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I’ve always had great respect for figures like Dr. Doom, Dr. Impossible, Paingod, Lex Luthor and others, though not because of anything they have done. Of course, they haven’t done anything, besides getting repeatedly kicked around the block by their antagonists.  I respect them because it takes a very special sort of person to twirl one’s mustache (metaphorically speaking) and declare that you are finally invincible, just like the last 100 times except that you mean it this time.

Obviously, I am not that sort of person. For one, I don’t have a mustache and have never written quippy threats well.  In fact, I’ve never done any sort of writing well, as you might have surmised from my virtually empty author category. My poor writing skills do not disappoint me; I got a M.S. in biochemistry from an university you’ve probably heard of, and I play the piano, so there. And, most importantly, I’m very inquisitive. For example, I did not passively accept the suggestion from my press consultant that I change “an university” to “a university” or “a M.S.” to “an M.S.” [I’m right on this– B. Mac]

I’ve always used an before words that start with vowels and a for words that start with consonants. But other project contributors quickly confirmed that “an university” is wrong because “it just feels wrong.”

It just feels wrong.

Which leads me to my mission statement (hopefully you’ll understand the connection I’m attempting to draw). [Actually, I don’t. I’d recommend a revision. If you’re trying to draw some sort of parallel between the a/an issue and you feeling that some aspect of humanness “just feels wrong” despite what one has been taught to the contrary, please be more explicit.– B. Mac]

“Oh, come on, being human is overrated.”
–Mark Penn, a leading pollster for Senator Clinton

“No, it’s really not. However, if you’d like to propose a trade, I’m all ears.”
–Catastrophe

“Compared to what? I’ve got some ideas.”
–Jacob Mallow

“Mr. Penn, you just won the gator vote, but isn’t it a bit late to pander to Florida?”
–Agent Orange

“What does the ‘B’ stand for in B. Mac?”

Our staffers have some theories.

“Bombing.”

–Cadet Davis

“Bumptious.”

–Jacob

“Awesome.”

–O.J. [I wonder who’s going for a raise– B. Mac]

Interesting theories, but the correct answer is that the ‘B’ stands for ‘BMacalicious.’

Bill Buckley died today. (He authored God and Man at Yale, which inspired the Superhero Nation chapter title “Gods and Supermen at Yale”). We weren’t very close; in fact, he was something like my archenemy. However, he was as good an adversary as anyone could hope for, unless you’re able to get Bernard Lewis.

I notice that Senator Clinton stumbled several times over the name of Dmitry Medvedev, who will almost certainly win Russia’s Presidential election on Sunday.  “Whatever,” she said, after several unsuccessful attempts.

My immediate reaction was “well, at least it’s not anywhere important.”

A few seconds later, I regretted the thought, but after some deliberation it seems pretty clear to me that the episode illustrated how totally insignificant Russia has become in US politics.  In terms of the governments that will prove the most relevant to US policy-makers, it’s probably not in the top 10 (or 15, maybe*).  Countries like India, Nigeria and perennial democratic friends probably affect American objectives more and, furthermore, those states will almost certainly prove more amenable to US interests.

(*Which 15 would I list above Russia?)

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Many Powerline forum-goers support Alaska Senator Sarah Palin as McCain’s VP pick. Picking her would make my vote decision a very easy one, by virtue of my First and Only Rule of Voting: I refuse to vote for anyone better-looking than I am.

Miss Wasilla 1984

Agent Orange, our mutated alligator, provides us this unusual spin on a recent anecdote that American troops lack ammunition in Afghanistan.

An Army captain, possibly disgruntled because he’s doing a 2nd lieutenant’s job*, has claimed that his unit ran out of ammunition and had to forage from hostile forces. However, the mammalian-skewed media (MSM) has missed the broader point that life is decidedly more productive and interesting without guns. Although humans are not well-endowed with claws and their teeth are hardly elegant masterpieces of life-ending prowess, the advantages of even synthetic claws and dental pointyification are obvious.

1. Proven effectiveness: V for Vendetta, Star Wars, Crocodile Dundee 1-8, and the Boxer Rebellion all prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that firearms are completely ineffective against melee combatants. In Reign of Fire, the Kentucky National Guard kills a dragon (you can stop laughing now) with an axe.
2. Interoperability and combined arms synergies: when a supercriminal and I are slicing-and-dicing the hell out of each other, friendly-mammals like Agent Black are usually too scared to open fire on the two of us. (Mammals). If Black actually had a useful weapon, we would be able to fight together better.

There are, however, operational costs to be considered for a government-wide move to melee weaponry. Blah, blah, operational costs. There are more benefits, too. For example, staging suicides would make the work of government spokesmen considerably more enjoyable and fresh. “Hitler committed suicide by claw today.” Try saying that without smiling.

*Cadet Davis adds: Senator Obama’s Army Captain was probably referring to a platoon he had once led as a lieutenant.

I don’t mean to demean the risks of a terrorist attack or chain-saw murder spree, but Americans have generally discounted the threat of a death by face-leech. There are worse deaths than a face-leeching, but most involve IRS audits.  And blenders.

–Agent Orange

Improve Your Characters

1. How to Name Characters (Superheroes and Otherwise)
2. How to Develop Interesting Characters– Easily!
3. List of Character Attributes
4. Writing Male Characters
5. NEW: Don’t Make Your Villains Unnecessarily Evil
6. Problem Characters: Children
7. Problem Characters: Mentors
8. Problem Characters: Mary Sues (for definition, hold cursor here)
9. Problem Characters: Part-Time Dragons (for definition, hold cursor here)
10. Problem Characters: Homo Superiors (for definition, hold cursor here)

Improve Your Titles

1. 10 Words that Will Ruin Your Title
2. 10 Common Mistakes of Novel Titles
3. How to Write Titles That Sell (Novels and Chapters)
4. Your Title is Bad, But You Can Fix It (Part 1)
5. Your Title is Bad, But You Can Fix It (Part 2)
6. Your Title is Bad, But You Can Fix It (Part 3)
7. Your Title is Bad, But You Can Fix It (Part 4)

Story Structure

1. How to Write Strong Introductions (Novels)
2. Avoid an Introduction that Reads Like an Atlas
   
3. Organizing Your Plot: Five Kinds of Central Plots
4. Story Structure
5. NEW: Don’t Let Your Characters Walk Away from the Story

How to Avoid Common Writing Mistakes

1. 5 Common Mistakes of First-Time Authors, Part 1
2. 5 Common Mistakes of First-Time Authors, Part 2
3. 5 Common Mistakes of First-Time Authors, Part 3
4. 5 Common Mistakes, Part 4
5. 5 Common Mistakes, Part 5
6. 5 Common Mistakes, Part 6
7. 5 Common Mistakes, Part 7
8. 5 Common Mistakes, Part 8
9. NEW: 5 Common Mistakes, Part 9
10. NEW: 5 Common Mistakes, Part 10

Dialogue

1. How to Avoid Common Dialogue Mistakes
2. Please Avoid Bad Accents
3. NEW: Keep Your Dialogue Tight

Other Writing Mechanics

1. How to Write Gripping Scenes
2. Write Concisely!
3. Eliminate Gimmicks in Your Writing
4. Don’t Abuse “There’s”
5. NEW: 9 Words That Should Never Start a Sentence

Editing and Refining Your Work

1. NEW: 100 Questions to Test Your Story
2. Style Checklist
3. How to Make the Most of Beta Reviews
   
4. How to Evaluate Your Writing with Google Analytics

Website Design

1. How to Format WordPress Text for Your Website
2. NEW: Organizing Your Site
3. NEW: You Can Do Better Than Archives
   
4. SOON: Picking a WordPress Theme

Marketing

1. How to Design Strong Header Art
2. Promotional Events that Work

Social Commentary in Fiction

1. NEW: So You Want to be an Opinionated Author
   
2. Writing About Racism
3. How Valid is Diversity Criticism?

Creating a Superhero Character

1. List of Superpowers
2. How to Write Effective Origin Stories
3. Superhero Creation Questionnaire
   
4. How to Name Superheroes
5. Modern Superhero Naming Conventions
6. Questionnaire for Nonhuman Characters (Transformed Humans, Aliens and Otherwise)

The Mechanics of Writing a Superhero Story

1. How to Write Superhero Fight Scenes
2. How to Pick Superpowers that Make Your Story Work
3. Common Problems with Superstrong Heroes
4. Common Problems with Psychic Superheroes
5. Common Problems with Powersuited Superheroes (like Iron Man)
   

Marketing and Visual Issues

1. Easy-to-Fix Visual Design Problems for Superhero Characters
2. How to Make Your Story Less “Weird” and More Novel
3. NEW: Superhero Visual References: Boots

Today we have a delightfully bizarre picture featuring TallyGator’s pet alligator and an awfully curious choice of nail-polish. I wonder what the gator thinks…

What’s the pencil for?

“Barack Obama will require you to work. He is going to demand that you shed your cynicism.”

–Michelle Obama, Senator Obama’s wife

Unemployed cynics of the world, unite!  We have nothing to lose but our political science degrees.

Agent Orange: I require meat assistance.

Wal-Mart cart-pusher: Uhh. I just push carts here.

Agent Orange: … (mammal).

Agent Orange: Take me to your greeter!

Wal-Mart greeter: Welcome to Wal-Mart, the home of Everyday Low Prices™!

Agent Orange: I see you sell Caribou Coffee here.

Greeter: That’s right.

Agent Orange: Could I get Caribou Coffee without the coffee?

Greeter: You mean…

Agent Orange: Caribou– that sweet and juicy culinary delight, ecstasy made flesh and sirloin.

Greeter: I, uhh, don’t think that we sell caribou. We have a special on uncured ham, $8.99 a pound.

Agent Orange: …

Agent Orange: For an infected product, that seems pretty expensive. What have you declined to cure your ham of?

Greeter: No, no. A cured ham is one that’s been glazed with honey.

Agent Orange: You cure your hams with honey?

Greeter: Right.

Agent Orange: Wrong! Using honey as a cure is like asking for Ebola. How much extra would it cost for meat that’s been given antibiotics?

Greeter: Maybe I should get my manager.

Agent Orange: And a lawyer, too. (Mammals).

The Defense Department reports that the US Navy successfully hit a dying US satellite with a missile.  I’m, uhh, not thrilled that we’re spending (sixty million) tax dollars to shoot down our own satellites, but at least we didn’t miss.  Heh.

Readers from Barbados, Macedonia and Latvia have put Superhero Nation’s nation-count at 100 nations.  Thanks.

Roughly 70% of our hits have come from the United States, including 20+ readers from every state except Wyoming.

By my count, we’re missing seven countries in the Western Hemisphere, three European countries, three Middle-Eastern countries, most of the states of Central Asia and all of Africa but five states.

“Supervillains,” “supercriminals,” or whatever else you weaklings want to call us tend to exaggerate our own intelligence. That is a mistake for two reasons.

1. No revolutionary will be 100% successful. Losing to cretins from South Carolina and Ohio after claiming to be the world’s smartest man is all the more humiliating.
2. If your accomplice claims to be the smartest man in the world, he thinks that he is smarter than you. Unless you kill him immediately to preempt his eventual betrayal, you have proven him right. Who’s smart now?

–Paingod

Superhero Nation is pleased to present Cadet Davis, our writing staff’s newest contributor.  He isn’t actually a cadet anymore, but we enjoy razzing him for that anyway.

Davis cares about writing elements like “structure” and “cohesion.”  We’ll have to work him out of that.  If the site suddenly becomes organized, you know who to blame.

Politically speaking, Davis has claimed to other contributors that “I know so much more about Democratic Party politics than [B. Mac] it’s scary.”  Lies!  Except for predicting in 2005 that Hillary Clinton would get smoked by Bill Richardson in the Democratic primary and that Dennis Kucinich would finally prove that he has been contacted by aliens, my predictions have been uncannily accurate.  Except for that whole being wrong thing.

Picture c/o TallyGator.

Picture c/o Kawaii Moogle.

Picture c/o Kwerf.

I think the market has underestimated Clinton’s chances in the state.  I’d give Hillary 20% to win it– the state is more demographically favorable for Clinton than most people realize.  Right now, you can buy contracts on CLINTON-WI at 14%.  I found Slate’s argument that the Clinton campaign will be competitive in WI to be pretty persuasive.

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