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This is a useful resource for anyone that might want to destroy the world.

“When you kill one person, it’s a tragedy. When you kill a thousand people, it’s a statistic. When you kill a million people, you’re in.” – The Supervillain Hall of Fame

Agent Orange, paraphrasing Groucho Marx: “Outside of a dragon, a rocket launcher is certainly your best friend. Inside of a dragon, I’d recommend a gun.”

What’s at the top of supervillain to-do lists for 2008? (Hint: not saving money or losing weight). Here’s a sample.

1. [Paingod] Attain absolute power in at least one country. My first act will be to ask Evil Overlord to be my chief of police. If he says no, I’ll kill him. If he says yes, I’ll poison him so that he can live by earning regular doses of the antidote.

2. [Chronic] Develop a time machine and get advanced technologies from a future version of myself. But I know that he will see an opportunity to exploit his foreknowledge and technology by replacing me. So I’ll kill him first.

3. [Gangrene] Surf City’s been a bust. The cop-to-plant ratio is far too high. This year, I have a better idea. I call it Plan Colombia.

4. [The Colombian] Cooperate with Gangrene to develop hardier drug crops. Then I’ll kill him.

5. [Jihad Joe] Anything. I’m still relevant, dammit!

My first act will be to retroactively make my inauguration legal by reducing the age requirement.  I’ve got some ideas what my second act will be, but it will probably be something that I’ll have to disavow.  That’s OK.  The media thinks that there’s some law somewhere that you can’t challenge anything a President does in his first hundred days of office.

This is unfairly hilarious.

I’ve always had great respect for figures like Dr. Doom, Dr. Impossible, Paingod, Lex Luthor and others, though not because of anything they have done. Of course, they haven’t done anything, besides getting repeatedly kicked around the block by their antagonists.  I respect them because it takes a very special sort of person to twirl one’s mustache (metaphorically speaking) and declare that you are finally invincible, just like the last 100 times except that you mean it this time.

Obviously, I am not that sort of person. For one, I don’t have a mustache and have never written quippy threats well.  In fact, I’ve never done any sort of writing well, as you might have surmised from my virtually empty author category. My poor writing skills do not disappoint me; I got a M.S. in biochemistry from an university you’ve probably heard of, and I play the piano, so there. And, most importantly, I’m very inquisitive. For example, I did not passively accept the suggestion from my press consultant that I change “an university” to “a university” or “a M.S.” to “an M.S.” [I'm right on this-- B. Mac]

I’ve always used an before words that start with vowels and a for words that start with consonants. But other project contributors quickly confirmed that “an university” is wrong because “it just feels wrong.”

It just feels wrong.

Which leads me to my mission statement (hopefully you’ll understand the connection I’m attempting to draw). [Actually, I don't. I'd recommend a revision. If you're trying to draw some sort of parallel between the a/an issue and you feeling that some aspect of humanness "just feels wrong" despite what one has been taught to the contrary, please be more explicit.-- B. Mac]

“Supervillains,” “supercriminals,” or whatever else you weaklings want to call us tend to exaggerate our own intelligence. That is a mistake for two reasons.

1. No “supervillain” will be 100% successful. Losing to cretins from South Carolina and Ohio is bad enough, but it will only be more humiliating if you’ve claimed to be a supergenius.
2. If your accomplice claims to be the smartest man in the world, he thinks that he is smarter than you.  Unless you kill him immediately to preempt his eventual betrayal, you have proven him right.  Conversely, if you were to claim that you were the smartest man in the world, it would entice others to kill you.  Who’s smart now?

–Paingod

Grim Trigger 2008!

Dear Jane Doe:

As you know, the nation is facing very, very seriously grave problems. And, as an agent for the Office of Special Investigations, I have handled a lot of serious problems, most of which will be declassified by 2075. But enough about my experience and on to more of the gravely serious problems we face.

Reaffirming the role of puppies in American society

My rivals have remained silent on the critical issue of puppies. Where do my opponents stand on anti-puppy discrimination? What measures have they taken to ensure that puppies can partake of the American dream? What have they done to decry the TSA’s cruel-hearted decision to limit servicepuppy adoption programs to San Antonio and Austin? My opponents have remained silent—but, as your president, you can rest assured that I will be a vocal advocate for puppy rights.

A new era of American diplomacy and multilateralism: Atlantis, meet Mr. Boot

It has come to my attention that a certain “nation” has seen fit to attack the United States once every few years for about the last three decades. We have been told that this is Atlantis’ way of getting a good sense for the leadership of other countries.

Atlantis is no doubt a fine country. I bow to no one in my respect for Atlantis. In fact, I think the United States really needs to get a good sense for its leadership.

This apparently unending cycle of warfare is highly counterproductive. We need to put an end to it once and for all. Additionally, I’d really like to make the US Air Force an integral part of our national security strategy, and not a “chair force” as Marines, soldiers and sailors constantly insinuate. What would the role of an integral Air Force look like? Please see my attached map of Atlantis for more details.

My policies, in brief

1. Environmental reform. Two words: nuclear power.
2. Foreign engagement and a respectful foreign policy. Other countries will respect my leadership because in their hearts, they know I might. Might prove a cooperative and stable negotiating partner, that is!
3. Creating economic opportunities for all Americans. Average Americans suffer because they have less information than large corporations. I vow that my administration will do better to serve every American with available information. For example: sell all Atlantean stock. Atlantean property isn’t looking good either.

Thank you and God bless. I’m Grim Trigger and I approved this message.

–G.T.

Evil-Corp Publishing Presents: So You Want to be a Supervillain!

1. If you ever capture your opponents, kill them immediately. If possible, execute them yourself—leave nothing to chance. “But how will my most hated enemies see my glorious schemes come to fruition?” They won’t—they’ll be dead. That’s the point. Have their descendants serve as slaves and/or witnesses to your undying greatness.
2. As attractive as doomsday devices are, they don’t provide a very credible threat. Would you really destroy the world you live on? Even the UN will laugh at you rather than recognize the magnificence of your doomsday device. For a nominal fee, however, you can buy EvilCorp’s InstaWorld Kit*. Then the only question is this: would you rather have a billion dollars or the chance to get rid of the UN?
3. Villainous devices will work only once. You will only be able to shrink/zap/body-swap with a cabbage/etc. to a hero once. Any subsequent attempt to use the device will end in disaster. If the hero survives the first use, switch to conventional weaponry and ready your escape pods.
4. If any minion suggests any plot that involves monkeys—simian minions, devolution rays, etc.—shoot him immediately and feed him to real minions, like sharks or animated trash compactors. Superheroes still laugh at us because of the “monkey business” of the 1940s-70s.
5. If your villainous speech includes anti-American diatribes– even accurate ones– expect any federal agents to open fire. (So much for “freedom of speech,” right?)

*People not included.

Justice Scalia is… Jack Bauer.

Repeat after me… there’s no time!

My execution has improved somewhat. This time I actually remembered the mana cost and the art looks a bit cleaner than my first two attempts. Art c/o the White House.

Quotes from USMC Drill Instructor Oliver Ryan.

Dammit, maggot, if I wanted your opinion I’d give it to you!

Movies are big on “be yourself.” That’s a bunch of crap! When you’re ready to be more than just yourself, you too might make the Marines.

Goddamn… you’re drinking like someone in a Stanley Kubrick film.

I am not a “drill sergeant”, maggot!

I’m Drill Instructor Ryan. Today might be the longest day of your life… but it’ll probably be the shortest.

You can’t spell party without P-T! [author's note: PT = physical training]

Exclamation marks make life more interesting!

The International Society of Supervillains has the dirt on “superheroes” that are really tools. Reed Richards, Namor and Superman take the cake.

r. Berkeley: Something’s wrong with the sunscreen vat. I was wondering if you could explain a few things to me.

Jacob Mallow: Could I discuss this in the lab with you after-hours?

Berkeley: Sure…

That evening…

Berkeley: I’ve been doing some tests on the toxicity of the sunscreen…

Jacob: Those weren’t in your operational area.

Berkeley: The sunscreen would burn clean through flesh!

Jacob: I don’t think you understand how seriously we take our security procedures here, Dr. Berkeley. I see no alternative to summary termination.

Berkeley: You’re firing me?

Jacob pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Berkeley twice, then pushing Berkeley into the vat.

Jacob: Something like that.

END

Jacob Mallow: I’ve finally perfected the concoction. It will–

Paingod: No.

Jacob Mallow: What?

Paingod: I don’t want to know what it does, how it does it, or your vast and no doubt eminently disruptable deployment strategy. Telling me can only guarantee that your plan does not come to fruition.

Jacob: What? How would that matter?

Paingod: …

Paingod: You’re new here, aren’t you?

“Pass me down the shark repellent, Robin!”

A supervillain is easily identifiable because power is sexy.  That’s why we always get the best women (no one really wants to date a mild-mannered reporter or an inept freelance-photographer).  But superheroes are also easy to identify if you know what to look for: the bumbling factor.  The more bumbling someone is, the more superpowers he’s waiting to unleash. For example, the last time my henchmen attempted to break into a presidential convention, they got absolutely shellacked by Tucker Carlson. If you have ever wondered whether someone that looks that bumbling could only get on TV because he was really a superhero, you’re not alone.

There’s really no way to know how many of my plots have been spoiled by Carlson and Alan Colmes, but I’d feel pretty confident saying that they’re the main barrier between me and global domination.

I’d give you two guesses whether it’s Hannity or Colmes that’s the bane of supercriminals everywhere. Remember, people that look bumbling are dangerous. And anyone that looks as bumbling as Colmes can strangle your best assassins with his mind.  Interestingly, Sean Hannity is also a superhero, but any supervillain that fears a conservative diversity hero should reconsider his line of work.

Unsurprisingly, the talk radio guy doesn’t know how important it is to keep his appearance secret.