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Mike: You’re positive you’re not an alien?

Catastrophe: Do aliens frequently speak fluent English?

Mike: Decryption programs applied to radio transmissions can do surprising things.

Catastrophe: I was checking football club rankings when you found me. Unless aliens are frequently interested in football…

Mike: You’d be surprised. You follow football?

Catastrophe: Sometimes. There aren’t any good teams around here.

Mike: Name three.

Catastrophe: Good teams? Arsenal, Man U and Newcastle.

Mike: Please. If you ever need to make up sports teams in the future, I recommend going with animal names, not randomly selected adjectives and nouns. “New castle?” “Man you?” That doesn’t even make sense!

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: You don’t get out much, do you?

This is the final part of a four part series. You can see part 1 here.

1. Write a review about what we can learn from “The Dragon and the George.”
2. Re-upload the Writing Concisely article.  It appears to have been garbled badly somehow.
3. Write a review about what we can learn from “His Majesty’s Dragon.”
4. Introduce Catastrophe.
5. Begin doing character pages?
6. Agent Orange’s comprehensive survey of international football (Gators and Haters)
7. How to write dialogue?
8. How to write sensory imagery?
9. Update the story board

Catastrophe: When I said that I was a cartoon character and not an alien, I meant it.
Mike: A cartoon character?

Catastrophe: Well, a facsimile of a cartoon character. The mutagen is presumably influenced by subconscious mental states like memories and impulses. It was the day of the goddamned Hegemon parade and the effing balloon had come loose and trashed my car. So it was on my mind.

Mike: You expect me to believe—

Catastrophe: —not really, nor do I care. What you believe is completely besides the point. The only thing that matters—the only positive thing, anyway— is that at least it wasn’t Peaceachu.

This is part 3 of a four-part series. You can see part 1 here or part 4 here (after 6 PM US Central on Dec. 31).

This superpower list will help you write a superhero story or design a superhero. At the end, I also have tips to help distinguish your superheroes from other heroes with similar powers.

Continue Reading »

Mike: We have a non-optional orientation program for aliens. This is very simple. If anyone asks, say that you’re not an alien.

Catastrophe: I’m a cartoon character.

Mike: That was easy, wasn’t it?

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: Wait. There are aliens on Earth?

Mike: Uhh… no?

This is part II of a four part conversation. You can see part 1 here or part 3 here.

I don’t have anything substantive to add, but my father met Ms. Bhutto during their time at Oxford.

Questions Related to Total Physical Transformations

In Superhero Nation, one of the characters gets his body turned into Katastrofy (damn anime spelling), one of the villains on the hit cartoon show Hegemon. (“Gotta kill ‘em all!”) Some of these questions may also prove useful if you’d like to write a nonhuman character and are wondering how bystanders in your story should react to him.

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This questionnaire will help you design a superhero or supervillain, whether you’re writing a novel or comic book.
Continue Reading »

These are Marvel’s upcoming films, according to Alex Billington at First Showing. He offers his own outlook, but let me offer mine. SELL MARVEL.

1. Iron Man - Director: Jon Favreau - Writer: Matt Holloway, Arthur Marcum, Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby - May 2, 2008 Release - Full Iron Man Debriefing from Comic-Con
2. The Incredible Hulk - Director: Louis Leterrier - Writer: Edward Norton, Zak Penn - June 13, 2008 Release - Incredible Hulk Updates from Comic-Con: Ed Norton Speaks
3. Punisher 2 (Lionsgate) - Director: Lexi Alexander - Writer: Matt Holloway, Arthur Marcum - Likely 2008 Release - Ray Stevenson Cast as The Punisher!
4. Wolverine (Fox) - Director: Gavin Hood - Writer: David Benioff - Likely 2008 Release - Hugh Jackman Praises Wolverine Screenwriter David Benioff

In the distant future, we’re looking at:

1. Thor - Director: Matthew Vaughn - Writer: Mark Protosevich - Likely 2009 Release - Matthew Vaughn to Direct Thor Movie
2. Ant-Man - Director: Edgar Wright - Writer: Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish - Unknown Release
3. Captain America - Writer: David Self - Captain America Movie Next From Marvel After Hulk!
4. Nick Fury - Writer: Andrew Marlowe - Sam Jackson as Nick Fury to Appear in Iron Man?!
5. The Avengers - Writer: Zak Penn - Marvel Avengers Movie with Iron Man and Hulk Coming Eventually

Of these, I expect that Wolverine will perform well. Not as well as X-Men, or even Fantastic Four or Superman.

I hope that Marvel is not counting on Thor, Ant-Man (!?!), Nick Fury, the Punisher (particularly after his last outing), or the Avengers to fill up theatres. So I will assume– for argument’s sake– that Marvel will bet most heavily on the remaining films in roughly this order: Iron-Man, Wolverine, Captain America, Hulk.

I believe that these films are likely to set off a Wall Street panic on Marvel (NYSE: MVL). I think investors are already jittery because of rumors that there won’t be a Spiderman 4 that looks anything like the first three films and the X-Men franchise is not enough to build a company on. It could be the case that these upcoming films are drastically better than Ghost Rider, Electra, the Punisher, Daredevil, the Hulk, the last Nick Fury movie (David Hasselhoff!) But I’m not hopeful.

Agent Orange presents his link of the day and a related public service announcement for crocodile-Americans.

The Annals of Crocodile Failures, 94^th Edition

Lions, buffaloes and crocodiles do battle for control of a Kenyan wildlife refuge. This film is rated PG… Pretty Gruesome. The crocodiles make their inglorious appearance at 3:30, but they’re so ineffective that the (mammalian) commentators only notice them at 3:38. Unless you enjoy watching lions play two crocodiles silly, I recommend skipping ahead to 4:30, which is when things get rowdy on the land. “They’ve got ‘em surrounded” (5:45). I also enjoyed the sudden appearance of Superlion– he flies– at 5:45.
6:30 is outlandish and further indicates how completely pathetic the crocodiles were in their brief appearance. Any creature that is unable to cripple a baby buffalo is hereby banished from the reptile class. Experts at Palomar University, one of the world’s leading reptological institutions, have found that:

The class Reptilia [Reptiles*] includes turtles, snakes, lizards, alligators**, and other large reptiles…

Let’s face it, crocodiles: even turtles and snakes*** count as reptiles. But not you*. (Don’t snicker too hard, mammals… the lions did not make a persuasive case for your phylum).

Not to fear, crocodiles: although you are no longer reptiles, you may technically qualify as amphibians****. However, both mammals and reptiles will remain ashamed to share a subphylum with you.

Tailnotes

*clarified for the benefit of crocodiles. Not that I think it will help.

**Unsurprisingly, saving the best for last. Incidentally, 99 % of reptologists agree that alligators > lizards > snakes > amoeba > crocodiles. As for the last 1%, if you are ever so horrifically unfortunate to find one of them, escape quickly. (Even if you’re a mammal—it’s not worth finding out if it can spread across species). Say whatever you need to. “I need to sharpen my claws (fingernails)” or “my scales (skin) require polishing.”

***Crocodile sympathizers may dispute that snakes are more worthy of the reptilian name than crocodiles. And we can speculate about the psychological disorders that might prod them to do so. But the fact remains that snakes can eat hippos (not for the squeamish). And, furthermore, snakes have their own baseball team, with which I am not familiar, and dominate a city with which I am.

****Assuming they’ll have you. Don’t hold your breath.

Setup: Catastrophe is a statistician that has been transformed by a mutagen into something uncannily similar to a character on a hit cartoon show, Hegemon (“Gotta kill ‘em all!”) Mike heads the Office of Special Investigations’ efforts to conceal extraterrestrial life and mistakenly believes Catastrophe is an alien.

Mike: Hello.

Catastrophe: I’m reading.

Mike: This’ll only take a second.

Catastrophe: Time’s up.

Mike: …

Mike: Let’s say five minutes.

Catastrophe: That’s 30000% of your original request. Is talking with you really more important than the club rankings?

Mike: And considerably less likely to get you pushed down the stairs.

(This is part of a four part series). After 6:00 PM on 12/29, you can read part 2 here.

From the Cynic’s Guide to CIA Language:

“High confidence.” Translation: “We actually know this, but we’ve spent too much to reveal our methods or sources.”

“Moderate to high confidence”. Translation: “Your guess is as good as ours”

“Moderate confidence.” Translation: “We have absolutely no idea.”

BMac adds:

“Similar to the assessments of French and German intelligence services.” Translation: “intelligence failure”

“Top secret.” Translation: Likely to make it to noon without being published in the New York Times.

“CIA Secret Agent.” Translation: “Vanity Fair covergirl.”

I just updated my guide to writing immersive and effective scenes.

This is based on what a friend in the Peace Corps claims is a true story.  

The presidents of two African countries—let’s say Togo and Nigeria—meet in Nigeria.  The Tongan is surprised by how nice the Nigerian’s house is. 

“Nigeria is so poor,” the Tongan said.  “How can you afford this estate?”

The Nigerian points out the window to a bridge spanning a river. 

“See that bridge?  The World Bank give us a huge amount of aid to build it, but not all of the money was spent on the bridge.” 

The Tongan thought about his shabby home and nodded.  “That seems like a really great idea,” he said. 

The next year, the Nigerian was visiting the Tongan and was astonished to learn that Togo had an absolutely luxurious palace.  He asked the Tongan how he had improved his house so much in a year.

The Tongan pointed out the window to a barren desert, rolling as far as the eye could see.  “See that bridge?”

Dr. Berkeley is a mathematician that Jacob Mallow hires to complete a project that relies heavily on numbers theory. Unfortunately for Berkeley, the project is actually an attempt to build a weapons-grade mutagen. Whoops. Several accidents later, Berkeley is mutated into a dead ringer for a cartoon character (Katastrofy*, the villain in the Hegémon TV/ movie franchise). Gotta Kill ‘Em All!

*Blame Japan for the spelling.

WRITERS’ NOTES

When designing a character, it’s critical that your audience discern key characteristics about each character.  Did the quotes help you associate Catastrophe with any particular characteristics?  Which ones?  Some variation of self-assured, eccentric and calculating probably made your list.  Did you get discontented with his transformation as well?  

I’m still doing pretty well in the Google searches that I’m specifically optimizing for– queries like superhero story, superhero novel, superhero parody, superhero satire, etc.  Here are a few of the searches where I’m doing surprisingly badly.

1. #3 for “Superhero Nation.”  DAMN YOU TIME.
2. #3 for alligator superhero — I wish I were making this up.  Fortunately, the search is pretty insignificant (only two so far).  Relatedly, I’m at #4 for mammal superhero and– not surprisingly– #1 for mammals superhero*.
3. Not in the top 50 for government superhero
4. #14 for agent superhero

*If I ever get published, I’m virtually positive that Amazon will use “mammals” as one of Superhero Nation’s statistically improbable phrases.  By my count, the first half uses it six times (it’s Agent Orange’s tagline).

Despite my wild cheering, the Miami Dolphins did not beat the Patriots. Oh well. Just in case, I’ll have a custom header ready for a New York Giants victory over the Patriots. The way Eli’s been playing this year, I’m not hopeful. At least Miami was playing for a moral victory for the ages, a way to salvage what may be one of the worst professional football seasons yet recorded.

Exercises in Logic

It is universally acknowledged that the Green Bay Packers (12-3) are better than the Miami Dolphins (1-15).  The Bears beat Green Bay 35-7 but the New England Patriots beat Miami only 28-7.  Therefore, Chicago is better than New England.  (Sigh).

Grim Trigger 2008!

Dear Jane Doe:

As you know, the nation is facing very, very seriously grave problems. And, as an agent for the Office of Special Investigations, I have handled a lot of serious problems, most of which will be declassified by 2075. But enough about my experience and on to more of the gravely serious problems we face.

Reaffirming the role of puppies in American society

My rivals have remained silent on the critical issue of puppies. Where do my opponents stand on anti-puppy discrimination? What measures have they taken to ensure that puppies can partake of the American dream? What have they done to decry the TSA’s cruel-hearted decision to limit servicepuppy adoption programs to San Antonio and Austin? My opponents have remained silent—but, as your president, you can rest assured that I will be a vocal advocate for puppy rights.

A new era of American diplomacy and multilateralism: Atlantis, meet Mr. Boot

It has come to my attention that a certain “nation” has seen fit to attack the United States once every few years for about the last three decades. We have been told that this is Atlantis’ way of getting a good sense for the leadership of other countries.

Atlantis is no doubt a fine country. I bow to no one in my respect for Atlantis. In fact, I think the United States really needs to get a good sense for its leadership.

This apparently unending cycle of warfare is highly counterproductive. We need to put an end to it once and for all. Additionally, I’d really like to make the US Air Force an integral part of our national security strategy, and not a “chair force” as Marines, soldiers and sailors constantly insinuate. What would the role of an integral Air Force look like? Please see my attached map of Atlantis for more details.

My policies, in brief

1. Environmental reform. Two words: nuclear power.
2. Foreign engagement and a respectful foreign policy. Other countries will respect my leadership because in their hearts, they know I might. Might prove a cooperative and stable negotiating partner, that is!
3. Creating economic opportunities for all Americans. Average Americans suffer because they have less information than large corporations. I vow that my administration will do better to serve every American with available information. For example: sell all Atlantean stock. Atlantean property isn’t looking good either.

Thank you and God bless. I’m Grim Trigger and I approved this message.

–G.T.

Evil-Corp Publishing Presents: So You Want to be a Supervillain!

1. If you ever capture your opponents, kill them immediately. If possible, execute them yourself—leave nothing to chance. “But how will my most hated enemies see my glorious schemes come to fruition?” They won’t—they’ll be dead. That’s the point. Have their descendants serve as slaves and/or witnesses to your undying greatness.
2. As attractive as doomsday devices are, they don’t provide a very credible threat. Would you really destroy the world you live on? Even the UN will laugh at you rather than recognize the magnificence of your doomsday device. For a nominal fee, however, you can buy EvilCorp’s InstaWorld Kit*. Then the only question is this: would you rather have a billion dollars or the chance to get rid of the UN?
3. Villainous devices will work only once. You will only be able to shrink/zap/body-swap with a cabbage/etc. to a hero once. Any subsequent attempt to use the device will end in disaster. If the hero survives the first use, switch to conventional weaponry and ready your escape pods.
4. If any minion suggests any plot that involves monkeys—simian minions, devolution rays, etc.—shoot him immediately and feed to him to real minions, like sharks or animated trash compactors. Superheroes still laugh at us because of the ‘monkey business’ of the 1940s-70s.
5. If your villainous speech includes anti-American diatribes– even accurate ones– expect any federal agents to open fire. (So much for “freedom of speech,” right?)

*People not included.

OSI DIRECTOR KINO:  There’s always one thing I’ve wanted to know.

AGENT ORANGE:  How I eat with a mask on.

KINO:  …

KINO:  Yuri Rastonovitch.  How did you convince him to cooperate with us?

ORANGE:  He was a Gators fan.

KINO:  …

KINO:  He was a KGB agent!

ORANGE:  Gatar never fails.