I'm a former assistant editor with advice about how to write novels, comic books and graphic novels. Most of my content applies to fiction-writing in general, but I also provide articles specifically about superhero stories.

Mike: You’re positive you’re not an alien?

Catastrophe: Do aliens frequently speak fluent English?

Mike: Decryption programs applied to radio transmissions can do surprising things.

Catastrophe: I was checking football club rankings when you found me. Unless aliens are frequently interested in football…

Mike: You’d be surprised. You follow football?

Catastrophe: Sometimes. There aren’t any good teams around here.

Mike: Name three.

Catastrophe: Good teams? Arsenal, Man U and Newcastle.

Mike: Please. If you ever need to make up sports teams in the future, I recommend going with animal names, not randomly selected adjectives and nouns. “New castle?” “Man you?” That doesn’t even make sense!

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: You don’t get out much, do you?

This is the final part of a four part series. You can see part 1 here.

1. Write a review about what we can learn from “The Dragon and the George.”
2. Re-upload the Writing Concisely article.  It appears to have been garbled badly somehow.
3. Write a review about what we can learn from “His Majesty’s Dragon.”
4. Introduce Catastrophe.
5. Begin doing character pages?
6. Agent Orange’s comprehensive survey of international football (Gators and Haters)
7. How to write dialogue?
8. How to write sensory imagery?
9. Update the story board

Catastrophe: When I said that I was a cartoon character and not an alien, I meant it.
Mike: A cartoon character?

Catastrophe: Well, a facsimile of a cartoon character. The mutagen is presumably influenced by subconscious mental states like memories and impulses. It was the day of the goddamned Hegemon parade and the effing balloon had come loose and trashed my car. So it was on my mind.

Mike: You expect me to believe—

Catastrophe: —not really, nor do I care. What you believe is completely besides the point. The only thing that matters—the only positive thing, anyway— is that at least it wasn’t Peaceachu.

This is part 3 of a four-part series. You can see part 1 here or part 4 here (after 6 PM US Central on Dec. 31).

Generic Physical Abilities

1. Superstrength
2. Speed
3. Durability
4. Agility/reflexes
5. Healing/regeneration
6. Supersenses
   1. Sight/hearing/smell/taste/touch
   2. Sensing danger (spider-sense)
   3. Sensing other types of events (dishonesty, murder, etc.)
7. The ability to remove senses (like inflicting blindness, etc.)
8. Longevity/immortality

Forms of Transportation

1. Climbing/wall-crawling
2. Swimming/water-breathing
3. Flight
4. Teleportation

Time-Based Abilities

1. Temporal manipulation (like The Matrix)
2. Time travel
3. Prophecy

Elemental Control/Manipulation

1. Basic elements (fire, electricity, water, earth, wind)
2. Light and/or darkness
3. Gravity
4. Magnetic forces
5. Radiation
6. Energy
7. Sound
8. Nature

Generic Mental Abilities

1. Skills and/or knowledge
   1. Popular categories: science, mechanical, computer/electronics, weapons-handling/military, driving, occult/magical.
2. Super-intelligence
3. Resourcefulness (“I’m never more than a carton of baking soda away from a doomsday device”)

Psychic Abilities

1. Telekinesis (moving objects mentally)
2. Telepathy (reading minds)
3. Mind-to-mind communication
4. Mind-control
5. Possession (total mental control)
6. Memory manipulation (may include creation/alteration/deletion)
7. Mentally generated weaponry
8. Mindblast
9. Ability to locate someone mentally
10. Forcefields

Biological Control

1. Acid/poison
2. Controlling plants and/or animals
3. Animal morphing
4. Ability to take on someone else’s appearance

Miscellaneous

1. Elasticity
2. Self-destruction
3. Self-liquification
4. Gaseous form
5. Growth/shrinking
6. Self-duplication
7. Invisibility
8. Absorbing someone else’s powers
9. Negating someone else’s powers
10. Luck manipulation (good luck for hero and/or bad luck for enemies)
11. “Psychometry”– the ability to learn things about the past or future of an object by touching it
12. Illusions

WAYS TO DISTINGUISH YOUR SUPERHERO’S SUPERPOWERS

1. Your story’s superpowers have some cost to the user.
   1. Fatigue. Your hero’s powers exhaust him.
   2. Equal and opposite reaction. Perhaps your supergenius’s brain will overheat unless he lets his mind cool down after a mental stunt.
   3. Energy. Your hero has a drainable and finite source of power.
   4. Risk to self (or others). Your hero’s powers, once activated, are hard to control and dangerous.
   5. Personality shift. Activating your hero’s powers transforms his personality or mindset, like the Hulk or Catastrophe.
   6. Loss of sanity. Your hero’s transformation makes him considerably less stable, like The Hulk or Niki.
2. Your story’s superpowers have a limited duration or accessibility.
   1. His superpowers only last a certain duration and have to be recharged.
   2. His superpowers can only be accessed after a certain condition is met or at a certain time of day. For example, Captain Marvel has to say Shazaam first.
   3. His superpowers are only accessible after he transforms (like the Hulk or American Dragon).
   4. Superpowers are accessible only through a particular item, usually a magical or technological item (Sailor Moon, power armor).
3. Your superpowers have an unusual origin or source.
   1. Because the hero’s alien or otherwise unhuman (Superman, TMNT)
   2. Because he’s a modified human (Spiderman, cyborgs)
   3. Because he has some artifact (power armor)
4. Your superpowers have unusual limits
   1. Physical. Maybe his electricity shorts out in water or he gets really weak when exposed to Kryptonite.
   2. Time. Hourman’s powers only last (you guessed it) an hour.

If this list helped you, please see our list of superhero writing articles.

Did this article help? Submit us to Stumble!

Mike: We have a non-optional orientation program for aliens. This is very simple. If anyone asks, say that you’re not an alien.

Catastrophe: I’m a cartoon character.

Mike: That was easy, wasn’t it?

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: Wait. There are aliens on Earth?

Mike: Uhh… no?

This is part II of a four part conversation. You can see part 1 here or part 3 here.

I don’t have anything substantive to add, but my father met Ms. Bhutto during their time at Oxford.

Questions Related to Total Physical Transformations

In Superhero Nation, one of the characters gets his body turned into Katastrofy (damn anime spelling), one of the villains on the hit cartoon show Hegemon. (“Gotta kill ‘em all!”) Some of these questions may also prove useful if you’d like to write a nonhuman character and are wondering how bystanders in your story should react to him.

Continue Reading »

This questionnaire will help you design a superhero or supervillain for a novel or comic book.   

Continue Reading »

These are Marvel’s upcoming films, according to Alex Billington at First Showing. He offers his own outlook, but let me offer mine. SELL MARVEL.

1. Iron Man – Director: Jon Favreau – Writer: Matt Holloway, Arthur Marcum, Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby – May 2, 2008 Release – Full Iron Man Debriefing from Comic-Con
2. The Incredible Hulk – Director: Louis Leterrier – Writer: Edward Norton, Zak Penn – June 13, 2008 Release – Incredible Hulk Updates from Comic-Con: Ed Norton Speaks
3. Punisher 2 (Lionsgate) – Director: Lexi Alexander – Writer: Matt Holloway, Arthur Marcum – Likely 2008 Release – Ray Stevenson Cast as The Punisher!
4. Wolverine (Fox) – Director: Gavin Hood – Writer: David Benioff – Likely 2008 Release – Hugh Jackman Praises Wolverine Screenwriter David Benioff

In the distant future, we’re looking at:

1. Thor – Director: Matthew Vaughn – Writer: Mark Protosevich – Likely 2009 Release – Matthew Vaughn to Direct Thor Movie
2. Ant-Man – Director: Edgar Wright – Writer: Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish – Unknown Release
3. Captain America – Writer: David Self – Captain America Movie Next From Marvel After Hulk!
4. Nick Fury – Writer: Andrew Marlowe – Sam Jackson as Nick Fury to Appear in Iron Man?!
5. The Avengers – Writer: Zak Penn – Marvel Avengers Movie with Iron Man and Hulk Coming Eventually

Of these, I expect that Wolverine will perform well. Not as well as X-Men, or even Fantastic Four or Superman.

I hope that Marvel is not counting on Thor, Ant-Man (!?!), Nick Fury, the Punisher (particularly after his last outing), or the Avengers to fill up theatres. So I will assume– for argument’s sake– that Marvel will bet most heavily on the remaining films in roughly this order: Iron-Man, Wolverine, Captain America, Hulk.

I believe that these films are likely to set off a Wall Street panic on Marvel (NYSE: MVL). I think investors are already jittery because of rumors that there won’t be a Spiderman 4 that looks anything like the first three films and the X-Men franchise is not enough to build a company on. It could be the case that these upcoming films are drastically better than Ghost Rider, Electra, the Punisher, Daredevil, the Hulk, the last Nick Fury movie (David Hasselhoff!) But I’m not hopeful.

Agent Orange presents his link of the day and a related public service announcement for crocodile-Americans.

The Annals of Crocodile Failures, 94^th Edition

Lions, buffaloes and crocodiles do battle for control of a Kenyan wildlife refuge. This film is rated PG… Pretty Gruesome. The crocodiles make their inglorious appearance at 3:30, but they’re so ineffective that the (mammalian) commentators only notice them at 3:38. Unless you enjoy watching lions play two crocodiles silly, I recommend skipping ahead to 4:30, which is when things get rowdy on the land. “They’ve got ‘em surrounded” (5:45). I also enjoyed the sudden appearance of Superlion– he flies– at 5:45.
6:30 is outlandish and further indicates how completely pathetic the crocodiles were in their brief appearance. Any creature that is unable to cripple a baby buffalo is hereby banished from the reptile class. Experts at Palomar University, one of the world’s leading reptological institutions, have found that:

The class Reptilia [Reptiles*] includes turtles, snakes, lizards, alligators**, and other large reptiles…

Let’s face it, crocodiles: even turtles and snakes*** count as reptiles. But not you*. (Don’t snicker too hard, mammals… the lions did not make a persuasive case for your phylum).

Not to fear, crocodiles: although you are no longer reptiles, you may technically qualify as amphibians****. However, both mammals and reptiles will remain ashamed to share a subphylum with you.

Tailnotes

*clarified for the benefit of crocodiles. Not that I think it will help.

**Unsurprisingly, saving the best for last. Incidentally, 99 % of reptologists agree that alligators > lizards > snakes > amoeba > crocodiles. As for the last 1%, if you are ever so horrifically unfortunate to find one of them, escape quickly. (Even if you’re a mammal—it’s not worth finding out if it can spread across species). Say whatever you need to. “I need to sharpen my claws (fingernails)” or “my scales (skin) require polishing.”

***Crocodile sympathizers may dispute that snakes are more worthy of the reptilian name than crocodiles. And we can speculate about the psychological disorders that might prod them to do so. But the fact remains that snakes can eat hippos (not for the squeamish). And, furthermore, snakes have their own baseball team, with which I am not familiar, and dominate a city with which I am.

****Assuming they’ll have you. Don’t hold your breath.

Setup: Catastrophe is a statistician that has been transformed by a mutagen into something uncannily similar to a character on a hit cartoon show, Hegemon (“Gotta kill ‘em all!”) Mike heads the Office of Special Investigations’ efforts to conceal extraterrestrial life and mistakenly believes Catastrophe is an alien.

Mike: Hello.

Catastrophe: I’m reading.

Mike: This’ll only take a second.

Catastrophe: Time’s up.

Mike: …

Mike: Let’s say five minutes.

Catastrophe: That’s 30000% of your original request. Is talking with you really more important than the club rankings?

Mike: And considerably less likely to get you pushed down the stairs.

(This is part of a four part series). After 6:00 PM on 12/29, you can read part 2 here.

From the Cynic’s Guide to CIA Language:

“High confidence.” Translation: “We may actually know this, but we’ve spent too much to reveal our methods.”

“Moderate to high confidence.” Translation: “Your guess is as good as ours.”

“Moderate confidence.” Translation: “We have absolutely no idea.”

BMac adds:

“Similar to the assessments of French and German intelligence services.” Translation: “intelligence failure”

“Top secret.” Translation: Likely to make it to noon without being published in the New York Times.

“CIA Secret Agent.” Translation: “Vanity Fair covergirl.”

This is based on what a friend in the Peace Corps claims is a true story.  

The presidents of two African countries—let’s say Togo and Nigeria—meet in Nigeria.  The Tongan is surprised by how nice the Nigerian’s house is. 

“Nigeria is so poor,” the Tongan said.  “How can you afford this estate?”

The Nigerian points out the window to a bridge spanning a river. 

“See that bridge?  The World Bank give us a huge amount of aid to build it, but not all of the money was spent on the bridge.” 

The Tongan thought about his shabby home and nodded.  “That seems like a really great idea,” he said. 

The next year, the Nigerian was visiting the Tongan and was astonished to learn that Togo had an absolutely luxurious palace.  He asked the Tongan how he had improved his house so much in a year.

The Tongan pointed out the window to a barren desert, rolling as far as the eye could see.  “See that bridge?”

Dr. Berkeley is a mathematician that Jacob Mallow hires to complete a project that relies heavily on numbers theory. Unfortunately for Berkeley, the project is actually an attempt to build a weapons-grade mutagen. Whoops. Several accidents later, he is mutated into a dead ringer for Katastrophy, the supervillain in a popular Japanese cartoon show.  In the aftermath of his mutation, he has to escape capture from his former employer and devise a serum to restore his humanity.

WRITERS’ NOTES

When designing a character, it’s critical that your audience discern key characteristics about each character.  Did the quotes help you associate Catastrophe with any particular characteristics?  Which ones?  Some variation of self-assured, eccentric and calculating probably made your list.  Did you get discontented as well?  

I’m still doing pretty well in the Google searches that I’m specifically optimizing for– queries like superhero story, superhero novel, superhero parody, superhero satire, etc.  Here are a few of the searches where I’m doing surprisingly badly.

1. #3 for “Superhero Nation.”  DAMN YOU TIME.
2. #3 for alligator superhero — I wish I were making this up.  Fortunately, the search is pretty insignificant (only two so far).  Relatedly, I’m at #4 for mammal superhero and– not surprisingly– #1 for mammals superhero*.
3. Not in the top 50 for government superhero
4. #14 for agent superhero

*If I ever get published, I’m virtually positive that Amazon will use “mammals” as one of Superhero Nation’s statistically improbable phrases.  By my count, the first half uses it six times (it’s Agent Orange’s tagline).

Grim Trigger 2008!

Dear Jane Doe:

As you know, the nation is facing very, very seriously grave problems. And, as an agent for the Office of Special Investigations, I have handled a lot of serious problems, most of which will be declassified by 2075. But enough about my experience and on to more of the gravely serious problems we face.

Reaffirming the role of puppies in American society

My rivals have remained silent on the critical issue of puppies. Where do my opponents stand on anti-puppy discrimination? What measures have they taken to ensure that puppies can partake of the American dream? What have they done to decry the TSA’s cruel-hearted decision to limit servicepuppy adoption programs to San Antonio and Austin? My opponents have remained silent—but, as your president, you can rest assured that I will be a vocal advocate for puppy rights.

A new era of American diplomacy and multilateralism: Atlantis, meet Mr. Boot

It has come to my attention that a certain “nation” has seen fit to attack the United States once every few years for about the last three decades. We have been told that this is Atlantis’ way of getting a good sense for the leadership of other countries.

Atlantis is no doubt a fine country. I bow to no one in my respect for Atlantis. In fact, I think the United States really needs to get a good sense for its leadership.

This apparently unending cycle of warfare is highly counterproductive. We need to put an end to it once and for all. Additionally, I’d really like to make the US Air Force an integral part of our national security strategy, and not a “chair force” as Marines, soldiers and sailors constantly insinuate. What would the role of an integral Air Force look like? Please see my attached map of Atlantis for more details.

My policies, in brief

1. Environmental reform. Two words: nuclear power.
2. Foreign engagement and a respectful foreign policy. Other countries will respect my leadership because in their hearts, they know I might. Might prove a cooperative and stable negotiating partner, that is!
3. Creating economic opportunities for all Americans. Average Americans suffer because they have less information than large corporations. I vow that my administration will do better to serve every American with available information. For example: sell all Atlantean stock. Atlantean property isn’t looking good either.

Thank you and God bless. I’m Grim Trigger and I approved this message.

–G.T.

Evil-Corp Publishing Presents: So You Want to be a Supervillain!

1. If you ever capture your opponents, kill them immediately. If possible, execute them yourself—leave nothing to chance. “But how will my most hated enemies see my glorious schemes come to fruition?” They won’t—they’ll be dead. That’s the point. Have their descendants serve as slaves and/or witnesses to your undying greatness.

2.  As attractive as doomsday devices are, they don’t provide a very credible threat. Would you really destroy the world you live on? Even the UN will laugh at you rather than recognize the magnificence of your doomsday device. For a nominal fee, however, you can buy EvilCorp’s InstaWorld Kit*. Then the only question is this: would you rather have a billion dollars or the chance to get rid of the UN?

3. Villainous devices will work only once. You will only be able to shrink/zap/body-swap with a cabbage/etc. to a hero once. Any subsequent attempt to use the device will end in disaster. If the hero survives the first use, switch to conventional weaponry and ready your escape pods.

4. If any minion suggests any plan that involves monkeys—simian minions, devolution rays, etc.—shoot him immediately. If possible, feed him to real minions, like sharks or animated trash compactors. On the list of most mind-boggingly inept supervillain schemes, “monkey business” ranks right around invading the US with Amazons and killer bees.

*Life not included.

OSI DIRECTOR KINO:  There’s always one thing I’ve wanted to know.

AGENT ORANGE:  How I eat with a mask on.

KINO:  …

KINO:  Yuri Rastonovitch.  How did you convince him to cooperate with us?

ORANGE:  He was a Gators fan.

KINO:  …

KINO:  He was a KGB agent!

ORANGE:  Gatar never fails.

Times named the Youtube Snowman one of 2007′s People That Mattered, alongside such real winners like a man that jumped into a subway track to save a guy going into epileptic shock.   This is what Time had to say of the Snowman…

Everyone knows that technology is changing politics—from the raising of money to the framing of messages to the distribution of attack ads. Nothing drives it home, though, like presidential candidates tackling a question about global warming posed by…a snowman. Undignified, Mitt Romney called the mini-movie creation of two unemployed Minneapolis brothers. But a better name might be ‘democracy.’

Actually, a better name might be “stupidity.” People like the Snowman have created a political climate where it is advantageous to attack the questioner rather than address what may very well be a meaningful topic (global warming).  Another political distraction… exactly what the country needed.

Time’s Man of the Year Award went to Vladimir Putin.  Runners-up included General Petraeus, JK Rowling, Hu Jintao, and Al Gore.  I find the Putin selection a bit puzzling.  The rationale is that he’s been consolidating power in Russia for some time now, undoing what what was left of democracy, etc.  But, unlike Hu Jintao, in the long term what his government does (or does not do) will probably matter very little.

I’m a huge fan of Rowling’s work– I frequently cite Harry Potter to illustrate principles of solid writing– and I’m familiar with Jintao’s work as well.  But I think there’s no question that the only one of these figures that will be discussed a generation from now is General Petraeus.  If we have, in fact, reached the point where a Western army can defeat a (remotely) nationalist insurgency, that would probably be the most significant change in warfare since at least the atomic bomb.  General Petraeus is like a one-man Manhattan Project.

Not to slight culture!  but Harry Potter just isn’t that important.

I think that a feat in global warming akin to what Petraeus appears to have pulled off– or is at least appearing to pull off– would be to convince some significant number of Western government to actually meet their Kyoto obligations.  Talk is cheap but, like most policy goals, environmental reform is not.  In the absence of any tangible progress along that front, I think that the Gore selection should have been postponed.

Did you know that I won Time’s Man of the Year in 2006?  I put it on my resume… it was great for a laugh. 

Justice Scalia is… Jack Bauer.

Repeat after me… there’s no time!

This post offers techniques on using header art to market your website, particularly if you’re an author.

Table of Contents

• Starter Guide to Header Art

• Using Header Art

• General Tips and Guidelines

• Superhero Nation’s Header Art: A Case Study

Basic Questions

“What is header art? How do I put it in?”’

In WordPress, you can use the Paalam theme or any other theme with a custom header. Palaam gives you 900 pixels across and 180 pixels vertically to work with. That’s enough space to introduce your products or books. Our Palaam header can fit 4-5 characters, a brief synopsis and the book’s title fairly comfortably.

“Why should I have header art?”

Header art is your website’s equivalent of a book’s cover. Your header is an enormous opportunity to establish your site’s professionalism and tone/substance. Ultimately, good header art will encourage readers to stick around, browse through your site and (hopefully) make a purchase.

Furthermore, making (or buying) an effective header is fairly easy.  You can buy a quality header for $50-150, which compares favorably to other investments you might make in your writing endeavors. For example, business cards or low-cost advertising will cost at least $50, a book doctor or agent will cost at least hundreds or thousands of dollars, and a year of paid membership in a writing workshop will probably cost at least $75.

Using Header Art

Once you have a space for header art on your site, filling it effectively is your next step. I’ll introduce these methods now and eventually offer more techniques on using them most effectively.

1. Borrow or buy a digital camera and use a photograph as your header.
2. Hire a freelance artist. I highly recommend Rebecca Gunter, the artist that illustrated Superhero Nation’s characters. I am greatly pleased with her quality and style. She charged $25 for each of our four characters. If price is really an issue, you can probably find cheaper freelancers at DeviantArt, but you may be disappointed or defrauded.
3. Create digital art and use it as a header. I don’t recommend this unless you are actually talented; if your header looks unprofessional, it will probably discourage readers.
4. If you’re not artistic, you can probably use Photoshop to make a workable logo by typing your site’s name in a visually striking color on a light background. If you don’t own Photoshop, you can probably find it at a public or school library near you.

Your header absolutely must…

1. Convince most viewers within 1-2 seconds that your site is worth their time.
2. Look attractive.

If you’re using your header to sell a novel, it is virtually required that you…

1. Give us the novel’s title.
2. Give us a 1-2 sentence synopsis of the book. Why should we want to read it? What’s it about? What kind of book is it?
3. Suggest the book’s genre, tone and mood.

That is a very basic set of requirements. Your header might also suggest what your writing style is like, introduce your characters, suggest any relevant themes, or indicate the setting. But these are generally less important.

Text (Book’s Title/Synopsis)

The title and synopsis probably should not be the header’s focal point or on the left side of the header. The header has to make a visual impact immediately. But text usually isn’t visually gripping. Because of that, text should usually occupy the least valuable space in the header, the right side. (Most Westerners read from left to right, so the left and middle of the header are used best by powerful imagery rather than bland-looking text). A final visual consideration is that text should usually not be placed over other elements of the header. That will probably look cluttered and make readers feel claustrophobic.

Don’t use more than 20-25 words. You won’t have enough space (or time) to describe your plot at any length, but you can convince a reader to look at a “Site Explanation” or “Book Synopsis” page to learn more. Be straight-forward, clear and concise. You have a few seconds to make a sales pitch. Ambiguity won’t work.

Genre/Mood/Tone:

Obviously, the header for a science fiction-horror story should look very different than one for a romantic comedy. What sort of mood do you want your header to convey? Is your story cheerful, gritty, dark, tragic, whimsical, scary, comical, etc? How realistic do you want your book to seem? You can suggest any of these traits with lighting and color. Additionally, readers will also pick up on your choice of font. (Consequently, Times Roman is almost always a poor choice for header text).

Characters

You may want to illustrate key characters if your characters look intriguing or suggest a lot about your plot’s genre, mood or plot. I think that a ninja-masked superhero and a reptile in a government uniform strongly suggest that Superhero Nation is an eccentric superhero story.

But most novel headers probably shouldn’t use character illustrations. If showing your protagonists doesn’t foreshadow the story or help the reader visualize something unfamiliar (like a reptile in a trenchcoat), I’d probably leave them out. If you’re writing an epic fantasy, showing another 17-year-old raising a sword will probably disgust your readers. (As a general rule of thumb, swords (and wands, to some extent) are extremely cliché and should be shunned.) Don’t illustrate banal-looking characters. On the other hand, if your character is a middle-aged woman with a peg leg, that would probably intrigue readers.

Relevant Themes?

You may find it useful to allude to different ideas and concepts from your book. However, this isn’t important and readers might miss the allusion, anyway.

If you look at “SUPERHERO NATION” in my header, it gradually shifts from blue on the left to red on the right. That alludes to the theme of political conflict in Superhero Nation. (In US politics, liberals/leftists are “Blue Staters” and conservatives/rightists are “Red Staters”). Additionally, I’ve positioned the characters with the most liberal on the left and the most conservative on the right.

Setting?

You might want to use a real-world landmark or cityscape in your header, but I don’t recommend it. If your header features Chicago’s skyline, it will probably make non-Chicagoans feel like outsiders. Unless a real-world setting is absolutely vital to your story, I’d avoid that.

On the other hand, if you’re writing a fantasy with a juicy setting, that could be really appealing. Illustrating that would probably be pretty complicated for your artist (and more expensive for you), but you could probably work something out.

General Tips and Guidelines

1. Don’t clutter. Leave as much empty space as possible.
2. Make your text easy to read. Adding an outer glow or border to your text in Photoshop really helps. (Our white text has a tiny black border).
3. Using too many colors may be problematic, unless you’re trying to strike a cartoony mood.
4. Aim for consistency in style and brightness. If one character looks photorealistic, your others probably shouldn’t look like cartoons. Try to balance your text. Text rows that are approximately equal in length look much better.
5. If you are working with an artist, give as much detail as possible. If you’re not sure which details to provide, check out Rebecca’s questionnaire. Ask to see a pencil or ink outline before your artist begins coloring. It will be much easier to resolve any issues you have before coloring begins. Also, don’t forget to tip.

   Superhero Nation’s Header Art: A Case Study

   Over the past four months, we’ve had four headers. I’m going to analyze how our audience has responded to each of these headers (using Google Analytics data). However, this is not a controlled experiment. We made many changes to the site over that time. Even so, I think that it’s fair to attribute most of our audience reaction to the header art specifically because it’s so much more visible than any of the other changes we have made.

   These are the four headers we’ve had (shrunken by about 25% to fit in the browser).

   

   Header 1: December 9 to January 14.

   • 77% bounce rate (the proportion of readers that leave after seeing a single page)

   • 1.71 pages per visit

   • 108 seconds per visit

   Header 2: January 15 to February 17

   • 69% bounce rate

   • 1.86 pages per visit

   • 105 seconds per visit

   Header 3: February 18-March 21

   • 64% bounce rate

   • 2.00 pages per visit

   • 110 seconds per visit

   Header 4: March 22-28 (only a week… so take this with a grain of salt)

   • 63% bounce rate

   • 2.35 pages per visit

   • 144 seconds per visit

   I’m not surprised that the bounce-rate has changed the most. It’s definitely intuitive that someone who doesn’t like your header art is more likely to leave immediately than someone who is impressed by it. On this front, header-art has clearly had at least some impact. But I’d like to delve into this data a bit more to try to control for the other changes we have made.

   For example, if I look at only the week prior to the January 15 switch, it had an 82% bounce rate, 1.6 pages/visit and 90 seconds per visit. In the week immediately after the switch, we had a 65% bounce rate, 1.77 pages/visit and 102 seconds per visit. This strongly suggests that the second header was drastically more successful than the first.

   I’m not surprised that the second header performed better; the text is better balanced, it’s slightly brighter and more colorful, the logo looks cleaner, and the synopsis is slightly crisper.

   Looking at the week before the February 18 switch, we had 67% bounce rate, 2.06 pages and 121 seconds per visit. In the week afterwards, we had 64% bounce rate, 2.06 pages and 119 seconds per visit. This slight change doesn’t surprise me too much. The differences between the second and third header are fairly slight– I only changed the synopsis and the placement of the logo.

   Looking at the week before the March 21 switch, we had a 61% bounce rate, 2.15 pages and 111 seconds per visit. In the week after the switch, we’ve had a 63% bounce rate, 2.34 pages and 143 seconds per visit.

   I’m a bit surprised that our fourth header has been bouncing (slightly) more readers. I had expected that its decidedly more cheerful tone would bounce fewer people. Ah well. I think a 2% rise in bounce-rate is an acceptable loss for 30% growth in time/visit and 10% growth in pages/visit.

   END ARTICLE.

   (If you would like a more exhaustive survey of the changes to our headers, without any statistical analysis, you can keep reading).

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Luke of Edmonton asks: your reviews are pretty harsh. Which books do you like?

Good question. In fantasy and science fiction, I really liked The George and the Dragon, which is close enough to the other books I’ve reviewed that I’ll probably be able to justify a review of it. I’ll try to get that up at some point.

Eragon is one of the worst novels I’ve ever read.  But let’s look at the positive: how can Eragon improve your writing? It can help you identify and fix problems in character development, story structure and plotting. For example, let’s look at its characters.

1) Eragon

Eragon is the prototypical Chosen One. Unfortunately, he never really grows into something more than someone destined for great things.  Why does his dragon come to him?  Because he was destined to have a dragon.  Why does he decide to stop Emperor Palpatine, err, Galbatorix? Because he was destined to.  Why will he eventually get the girl and save the world… well, I could go on.

A strong character has traits that drive the plot. In His Majesty’s Dragon, Temeraire the dragon is a radical abolitionist and supporter of dragon rights, which leads him to (spoiler– hold your cursor here). That doesn’t feel contrived at all, because Temeraire’s morality clearly dictates that he should perform that action. This works because his character traits cause the plot. Temeraire is rebellious, so he should act rebelliously.

Eragon’s characters do not drive the plot. They act as the plot needs them to.  Eragon is a wuss, until he learns that he’s really a hero.  What causes that change?  His great destiny, apparently.  Being driven by destiny makes him passive. Let me show why that’s a problem.

Saphira (the dragon) comes to Eragon for no particular reason. Eragon doesn’t do anything to get his dragon. That wastes an opportunity to show us what he’s capable of, and why he deserves to have a dragon. His Majesty’s Dragon used the experience much more effectively. Captain Laurence’s ship captures Temeraire’s egg.  Instead of the dragon being an honor and privilege, the dragon is something the characters want to avoid. The unlucky handler will have to live away from civilization and work in a dangerous, filthy profession. The crew draws straws and a 14-year-old sailor draws the dragon. When Laurence sees that the kid is struggling with the dragon, he decides to sacrifice himself by taking the dragon instead.

This shows us several things about the characters. Lawrence is a compassionate and loyal leader.  He’s brave.  He was not passively destined or chosen to have a dragon– he chose to take Temeraire.  He has realistic concerns, like worrying about not ever being able to see a play again.  In short, Laurence is both heroic and relatable.  We even learn something about Temeraire: he has standards and cares who his partner is.  Unlike Saphira, we can relate to him as something more than just an animal.  My problem with Eragon is that there isn’t any reason Saphira comes to Eragon.  Worse, I can’t think of any reason that I would advise Saphira to pick Eragon.  He has no traits that suggest he would be a valuable partner.

2) Saphira

Temeraire from His Majesty’s Dragon is a fantastic example of how a side character can drive a plot and develop the main character. But Saphira is a case-study in cardboard.  Saphira makes most Pokemon look three-dimensional.

Consider the following: Pokemon (successfully???) characterizes Ash’s Charizard as lazy and disrespectful, which is fairly impressive given that he doesn’t say anything intelligible.  Saphira has every advantage but she is actually worse-characterized.

Strong characterization depends on readers being able to associate characters with key attributes. Han Solo is selfish but loveable. Charizard is lazy. Temeraire is idealistic and rebellious. Saphira is nothing but a flying pack animal.  

Wasting Saphira in this book was particularly egregious. She’s on the front cover, and the only selling point of Eragon is that the book has a dragon in it. If all the superheroes in Superhero Nation were as boring as she is, we’d have a real problem.

3) Brom/Murtagh

These characters came right out of Central Casting. Brom is the Friendly Storyteller and Murtagh is the Mysterious (But Friendly) Stranger. Both serve essentially the same role, to provide wisdom and insight to the brash and clueless Eragon. Conveniently enough, one enters as the other dies.

4) Galbatorix

I’ll preface this by acknowledging that I’m fond of many supervillains.  I write stories about them, too. So you might argue that it’s hypocritical for me to criticize Galbatorix for being one-dimensional. On the other hand, you could also argue that “wow, if even a superhero novelist thinks Eragon’s villains were superficial, they must have been truly awful.”  Indeed.

Galbatorix is the villain and he doesn’t have any motivation other than being EVIL. He’s like Green Goblin, but without the nifty armor. As far as cartoonish villains go, Galb is a particularly bad one. And not bad like Darth Vader was bad, but bad-like-Gigli bad.

There are two main ways to make a villain interesting.

1. Ideological power—when the audience vaguely sympathizes with the villain’s objective (separate from his means).  This worked particularly well in The Rock, for example.
2. Badassery—a combination of swagger, flavor and/or whupass.

Galb had neither of these, but the best villains usually have both.  For example, Darth Vader and Doctor Octopus are obviously badass, but Darth Vader is also ideologically powerful because his villainy stemmed from a noble desire to create order. Doctor Octopus (in the movie) wanted to vindicate what his wife died for.  And he had 6 arms.

Cliché fantasy races

The author of Eragon stole his elves and dwarves so blatantly from Lord of the Rings that Tolkien should have been credited as a co-author. Many fantasy novels draw on Tolkien’s conventions, but usually they try to make up for that by adding their own spin to the source material.  For example, if you were writing a book set at a magical university like Hogwarts, you could make it feel fresh by using a new perspective.  Instead of focusing on a precocious young wizard, maybe you’d look at the teachers or the administrators or campus security or the admissions office instead.  Eragon doesn’t do anything like that.  It ends up feeling like LOTR fanfiction.  With Pokemon.

I could say more, but you couldn’t pay me enough to go back to Eragon.  This book and its sequel* are best enjoyed as an expensive alternative to firewood.

*It has two sequels, but I’ve only been unfortunate enough to read the first.

Miami will beat the Patriots next week.

This week, the Patriots played the League’s second-worst Jets and came up with only a 20-10 victory.  For Tom Brady, New England winter is like victory kryptonite.   Brady had 140 yards, 1 interception and no touchdowns.

AND… Miami pulled off its first win of the season!  They are now 1-13.  Good job, guys, but don’t get satisfied yet…  New England is next week.

Quick question: which fictional character is better characterized:  Eragon’s dragon, Ash’s Charizard or a limp noodle?

I will make the counterintuitive argument that Charizard is actually better than the noodle.  He has a defining characteristic– laziness– and he gets slightly better lines than Eragon’s dragon.

(For new readers:  I hated Eragon… I’d write a review explaining why, but it would take me a lot more than 4000 words and I absolutely do not want to ever see that book again).

• Absolutely cliche plot.  JRR Tolkien should have been credited as the co-author.
• PAINFULLY bad characters– including a wasted dragon that is worse-characterized than a Pokemon.
• The Chosen One.  This is actually a problem I should write about.  I will, after finals.
• Montana Syndrome.  Did you know the author was from Montana?  Believe me, after the first ten pages of the characters trudging through a hellish, howling wasteland, you’ll figure it out.  This is closely related to NYC Syndrome in superhero stories, but NYC has the advantage of being remotely interesting and somewhat less desolate than Montana.

  • It’s never a problem to write what you know… as long as what you know isn’t painful (I hope Tom Clancy is reading this).  Tom Clancy’s sub chapters are so painfully parochial that I skip through them now.  “But how do you know what’s going on?”  If an enemy ship disappears from the plot, chalk it up to the sub and move on.

I don’t anticipate that I will be able to post again until Wednesday night.  My finals schedule is catastrophic.  But I will leave you with this curse from Dubai, the Las Vegas of the Middle East:

“May your life be as interesting as Girls Gone Wild: Tehran.”

TO:  HUMAN RESOURCES

FROM:  RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT

The viability of meeting federal diversity requirements with inorganic means

Situation recap: Staffing issues unique to the Office of Special Investigations, like a strong base of nonhuman applicants, render it difficult to meet congressional standards on (human) minority employment.

Furthermore, it displeases Congress greatly that recruiters (apparently regardless of their race) appear to pass over African-American candidates. The Civil Rights Commission guidelines has ruled that avoiding life insurance claims is not a valid reason to discriminate on the basis of race…

In the 1980s, Research and Development had been working on PROJECT ROBOT, a series of combat-androids. We discontinued the program after field tests in Nicaragua revealed that our prototype was a sociopathic Sandinista that had been plotting to escape for years, but we have resolved that bug. As a temporary solution to contemporary issues, we can resume production of the androids with several specs relevant to HR’s goals.

1. Variant skin-tones
2. Variant dialects– including “Will Smith” and “Bernie Mac” (However, OSHA regulations have forced us to suspend testing of “Chris Tucker”).

I present to you PROJECT BROBOT. Let me suggest a few guidelines about using the androids.

1. We hosted several European scientists last week. One of the prototypes heard several of them speaking in Spanish. He became very… odd. I would highly recommend not putting them in a Spanish-heavy environment. In fact, I would recommend not letting them out of the office at all.
2. Leaving them within easy access of scissors or staplers could be problematic. (Or coffee-pots. They are remarkably resourceful).
3. If at all possible, I would recommend giving each robot a bodyguard unit, ideally armed with electromagnetic weaponry (in case other robots attack?).

Additionally, we have noticed that Brobots have a considerably shorter lifespan than the control group. Researchers on the floor above us are conducting acoustical research. We learned that when their piano crashed through the ceiling, discontinuing work on Prototype 7-B. In another incident, a guard adjusted his belt and accidentally knocked off his holster, causing his pistol to hit the ground and discharge a bullet. Prototype 4-C will be missed.

Actual quote from a philosophical texts (Agents, Causes and Free Will): I want to look at two different objections [to my thesis.]  The first of these, and by far the most popular, is spurious.  Since it is spurious, I will bury it in a footnote.⁷

I wish I could make arguments like that.  The counterarguments to my thesis are so shoddy that I will say I’m burying them.

AGENT ORANGE: “Hello, you’ve reached the Office of Special Investigations Human Resources switchboard. If you are an OSI employee looking to make a benefits claim, please press one to learn how we stay under budget. If you are interested in serving a long and fruitful life and keeping America safe, I recommend the FBI or the military. If you are interested in an extremely fruitful and less than extremely long life keeping America safe, please press two. If you need to speak to me about other matters, please press three.”

*Three.*

ORANGE: “Hello, you’ve reached the Office of Special Investigations Human Resources switchboard. You have indicated that you wish to speak to me. If that is correct, please press one. If you wish to have a productive evening, please press two.”

*One.*

ORANGE: “Hello, you have reached the Office of Special Investigations Human Resources switchboard. You have indicated that you do wish to speak to me. I suspect you don’t mean that. But, in case you do, you will only have to press 98 more keys before you can page me. If you are sure that your message is worth your time and mine, please press five. (I couldn’t let you hit one every time, right?)”

*Eighty-five minutes later.*

ORANGE: Hello, this is Agent Orange…

Journalist: …

Agent Orange: Hello? … I’m hanging up now.

Journalist: NOoooooOOooo! The Files. I need… The Files!

Agent Orange: What the hell are you talking about?

Journalist: The vast treasure troves of data you’ve got on everyone.

Agent Orange: Oh. Those files.

Biological Engineering

Popular Courses: Introduction to Biology, Remedial Chemistry, Organic Chemistry for Athletes

Available Jobs: Zoo cage-cleaner, supervillain

Appropriate response to someone admitting their son is a bioengineer: “That’s OK. Med school isn’t for everyone.”

Political Science

Popular Courses: The Cold War and Sports, Methods and Norms in Brazilian Basket-Weaving, Lunch

Available Jobs: ???

Appropriate response to someone admitting his son is in poli-sci: “Which law schools is he looking at?”

Chemical Engineering

Popular Courses: Crack Processing, Meth Production, Smuggling

Available Jobs: Narcotics manufacturing, McDonald’s de-greaser

Appropriate response to someone admitting his son is a chem-eng: “I’m so sorry.”

Economics

Popular Courses: Cooperation and Teamwork, Collaborative Methods, Shirking Responsibility

Job Prospects: Similar to chemical engineers, but without the real-world drug-refining  skills.

Appropriate response to someone admitting their son studies econ: “What a coincidence! My company has an opening for a position that does absolutely no work.”

Philosophy

Popular Courses: Is Time Travel Possible?, Metaphysics of Kantean Logic, Guided Readings in Other Philosophers No One’s Ever Heard of

Job Prospects: None. There’s no reason to hire a philosophy major over a hard-working high-school graduate. Or a vagrant.

Appropriate response to a job application by a Philo major: “Did I choose to throw out his resume or was it destiny?”

Pre-Med

Popular Courses: Methods in Moleculo-chemical Physicality, Biofeedback and Physiologicality, Sneering

Job Prospects: Similar to those of the Biological Engineer, but the Pre-Med can boast that he lasted a year in med school.

Appropriate response to someone admitting his son is a Pre-Med: “Is it too late to switch majors?”

Some of the better unit badges ever.  Get a load of these.

When everything’s on the line, uniform standards slip a little.  

Uhh… routine training exercises?  

Love the bomb, biatch!  

Somewhere, a Human Resources staffer is taking notes.   

I wonder what Agent Orange would say?  “The Q stands for Quality.”  

This unit was probably deployed to Tokyo at some point.  

Not quite Snakes on a Plane, but close.  

THE REAL DEAL!  I think it’s Greek.

EL DORADO:  It ain’t just a fountain of youth! 

Actually, this was a badge for the Russian Spetznaz.  You can tell by their choice of logo that they, unlike most Russian forces, were actually effective.   

This next one includes some rough language.

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This article will focus on how to find beta reviewers and how to get beta-reviews that are more useful.
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I’m now #5 on Google’s list of hits for superhero novel. Anything in the top ten is useful, but the top five are especially useful because everyone sees the top five without having to scroll down. And people will only scroll down if the first five hits don’t look promising.

These are how the four top hits appear.

1. The All-New All-Different Howling Curmudgeons: Superhero Novels
   1. It seems to be a genuine superhero novel. Compare to, say, Count Geiger’s Blues, which is really straight SF with some superhero trappings, or It’s Superman…
2. Amazon.com: superhero novel
   1. A community about superhero novel. Tag and discover new products. Share your images and discuss your questions with superhero novel experts.
3. Michael Carroll Unleashes New Superhero Novel – LostCarPark
   1. Michael Carroll’s latest novel, The Quantum Prophecy, hits the shops today. It’s part one of an original…
4. Superhero – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
   1. Superheroes have also been featured in radio serials, prose novels, TV series, movies and other media. Most of the superheroes who appear in other media…
5. Superhero Nation
   1. Published by bmaccomic under superhero satire, superhero story, Superhero Nation, quote, Superhero Novel, Superhero parody…

A few observations.

None of these links directly compete with mine. I imagine that the average person that types superhero novel into Google is looking to read (or at least find out more about) a superhero novel.

1. The first result, ANADC, looks like a review site at first glance. I think readers would rather get chapters from the author’s page than just look at a review.
2. I was afraid that Amazon.com would look really competitive, but this hit looks pretty unattractive. “a community about superhero novel” makes it obvious that Amazon’s result isn’t well-tailored to the prospective searcher.
3. Michael Carroll’s book is probably a peer competitor, but this link seems to go to a news article rather than the author’s page. MC’s homepage or an Amazon link to his book would probably be rather competitive, but I think that searchers will pass this over.
4. I think superhero novel searchers will pass over Wikipedia’s superhero entry without hesitation. That’s obviously not what the searchers want.
5. I’m not thrilled with how my entry appears, but my title is short and sweet. Superhero Nation’s Google tagline, but I think that my title is short and sweet. My tagline looks pretty ugly (“published by bmaccomic under superhero satire, superhero novel…”) but at least that says clearly that I’m writing a satirical superhero novel.

The websites that are most competitive with mine are located at #6 and #10. Fortunately, the higher ranked site seems to be selling a very different kind of superhero novel, so audience overlap/competition should be minimal.

1. Andrew Lynch: superheroaction.com. [Tagline]: If you write a novel without pictures about superheroes who are old, fat, gay, neurotic or self-destructive[*] – well, where’s the mass appeal?
   1. His Google entry doesn’t say that he’s writing a novel, what the novel’s title is or what the novel’s style/mood is like.
   2. Judging from his website, his novel’s goal is very distinct from mine. Attracting a broad audience is one of my primary objectives, but he says that “ ‘where’s the mass appeal?’ is a valid question for a big business. I respect it and want nothing to do with it.” Not coincidentally, I think, his novel’s title is The Superhero’s Closet.
   3. Our writing styles are so different that we probably won’t compete much for an overlapping audience. I’m writing an action-comedy that is hopefully pretty easy to read and enjoy—it has a philosophical subtext, but In a novel, I feel that enjoyment is a prerequisite to effective commentary. His work seems a lot more dense, introspective and literary.
   4. Here are some excerpts from his first paragraph. “he’d brought with him even his diary, in which he’d recorded dreams of tempest waves, and of a woman, radiant like overbright fields of flax, and of her awful plunge into a deafening surf… her name came to him in these dreams, but it echoed in his ear, unheard fully, like a staff note struck by musicians in a deep well across town. He’d understood only her pleas, twanging with regret, as she withered in mid-air on her way to the ocean below.”
   5. His introduction suggests that persecution and alienation are major themes. “The novel you’ve downloaded is about extraordinary humans with everyday problems. Retired superheroes, villains with vengeance on their minds, teenage girls as wise as Confucius, young men with mother complexes, and a superhero underground just down the block from you.” I’m not sure what a mother complex is, but it seems to suggest that the young men are tormented in some way. By contrast, my main characters are well-adjusted mentally and socially. Even the mutant reptile is a federal agent. To some extent Superhero Nation is a parody of a persecution or psychodrama** story.
   6. His character’s superpowers seem subtly different. If a teenage girl is “as wise as Confucius,” that suggests her super-wisdom has disconnected from society and normal teenage life***. By contrast, my characters have fairly banal superpowers (strength, agility) that don’t change them fundamentally. I want each reader to feel that Lash, Agents Black and maybe Orange are at heart like them. Even characters with really strange backgrounds, like Agent Orange, have humanizing characteristics (football, patriotism, a government job) designed to help the reader understand the character. I think that if readers think a major character trait for any character is “weird,” then I’ve failed.
2. Axiom-man. His work seems more conceptually similar to mine, but I’m not too worried about link competition. Legal sharks coerced him to tack on –man to Axiom, which would have been a much more compelling name, I think.

Footnotes

*As someone that’s writing a novel about a superhero that’s old, fat, neurotic and an unwitting suicide bomber, I take offense at that!

**Psychodrama is frequently laced with angst and inner turmoil and that kind of stuff. It sometimes overlaps with persecution stories but, like Chuck Paluhniuk, usually thrusts deliberately bizarre characters in the audience’s faces (“neurotica”).

*** I may be misreading the Confucian reference. The story takes place in San Francisco; the author might have referred to Confucius to show the story is culturally broad and/or that the girl is Asian-American. I picked up strong undertones of weirdness/alienation because the difference between Confucius’ best-known teachings (filial piety, traditional respect for elders) is so much at odds with the typical American teenager.

This article will discuss some benefits and drawbacks of writing a chapter without scenes and some common problems of sceneless chapters.

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CAPTAIN CARNAGE: Congress has rescinded its approval of waterboarding. We need alternate forms of data extraction.

MIKE: Telepathy?

CARNAGE: Not likely.

AGENT ORANGE: Mammals.

MIKE: …

MIKE: Mindblast?

CARNAGE: No.

MIKE: We could ask real nice…

ORANGE: Are sensory deprivation and uncomfortable sitting positions still available?

CARNAGE: Yes.

ORANGE: As long as we’re thinking hypothetically…

CARNAGE: Of course.

ORANGE: I have an idea… a technique that draws on sensory deprivation and a decidedly uncomfortable position and is somewhat more likely to scare someone shitless than a wet t-shirt. Additionally, it draws on our agency’s species diversity. I believe the risk of decapitation is negligible, but I’d like to test it first. Mike, could you fetch me a melon the size of a terrorist’s head?

*Mike gets up to leave.*

CARNAGE: …

ORANGE: I call my technique “Unhinging Jaw.”

MIKE: Wait, I want to hear this.

What I’m writing: A fantasy novel. Two teenagers from our world – Victor Coburn and Zoe Stockton – are somehow transported into another. There they find themselves on a quest for forbidden knowledge, mixed up in a war, and ultimately called upon to help save all creation. (That sounds really bad written like that. I’ll think about it a bit more…)

Target audience: I’m not aiming at a specific gender right now. Age range is probably something like 13 – 16.

Preferred style of reviews: Spare nothing, but please try to be polite about it.

Best references: My favourite fantasy novels are probably The Belgariad and The Mallorean by David Eddings, but I’m pretty sure I’m writing for a younger audience, haha. Least favourite work . . . I’m probably going to get lynched for this, but the Lord of the Rings trilogy by Tolkein. Only because I felt the narrative was a bit of a drag and a lot of the characters (particularly the women) were a bit flat. All that said, I loved The Hobbit.

[start story]

Victor swore loudly as a motorcycle raced past, only inches from his feet. The roar of the engine faded into the city traffic as the machine disappeared altogether. Victor quickly lost his scowl, shrugging as his dark eyes resumed their former activity: searching for some way through the maze of cars filling the street. Even though the traffic was basically at a standstill, he had trouble convincing himself that it was safe to cross the street – mostly because of people like that motorcycle rider. Very few motorists, it seemed, paid close attention to 16-year-olds trying to cross the road.
–I think pumping up his motivation might make him more interesting in this paragraph. Good description, though.

After a few seconds more of tentative steps forward, and then hasty steps backwards, Victor sighed and gave up. He glanced at his watch, groaning as he realised that he was already late for work – about seven streets away. Not only that, but his Dad had a meeting in just under an hour and had, somehow, managed to leave all the materials he needed at home.
–Much better, I think.
–I think that the urgency here might be assisted by faster-paced sentences. What would you think about “He glanced at his watch. He was already late for work, seven streets away. And his Dad had a meeting in an hour and had somehow managed to forget all his materials at home.”

Annoyed by the thought that he was going to be late to work because of his forgetful father, Victor didn’t pay much attention as he raced down the street. Instead, he concentrated on exactly what torture he’d put in place for motorcyclists when he was mayor of the city, no, Prime Minister. As he hurried up the steps of the grand office building his father worked in, he had just decided that having their bike torn in to scrap metal before their very eyes would be a suitable punishment for dodging traffic.
–”having their bike torn in to scrap metal before their very eyes would be a suitable punishment.” I”d recommend tightening this a bit. “tearing their bikes into scrap metal before their very eyes would be suitable punishment.”
–I’d think about replacing the phrase with “mayor of the city, no, Prime Minister” with just “Prime Minister” or “mayor” because I think it paces better.
–”had just decided” would probably be smoother as just “decided.”
–I really like the detail about him thinking about tearing their bikes into scrap metal. The humor is subdued but effective.

He opened the doors and entered, mind elsewhere, and he was embarrassed to find himself walking straight into somebody else. “Sorry, wasn’t looking where I was going,” he began automatically, beginning to crouch and gather the papers the person had dropped.
–I feel that this scene is a lot easier to place geographically than the last version.
–”mind elsewhere” sounds kind of awkward or, alternately, British. I’m not sure whether it feels awkward to me just because I’m American or whether a UK/Canadian/Australian/NZ publisher would react similarly.

“That much is obvious.”
–I think this is very smooth. I like the word choice.

Another pair of hands joined his in trying to gather the documents together, but Victor wasn’t paying attention to them any more. He knew that voice. The boy stared in shock at the girl he had bumped into.
–The first sentence here seems unproductive. It could probably be removed.

“Zoe? Zoe from history?”
She rolled her eyes. “No, it’s Zoe from Mars. Honestly. Did Michelle’s stupidity start rubbing off on you?”
–I love this. She strikes me as very well-characterized and more than slightly humorous.

He started moving again as a tall man in a sharp suit pointedly walked around them to get to the door; Victor had forgotten that he was blocking the entrance. By this time, Zoe had managed to gather nearly everything together – she was, of course, Zoe Stockton, and therefore everything she did was done better and quicker. At least, that was what you’d think if you heard the teachers singing her praises; she wasn’t quite as bad a person as they made out. Victor was even willing to forgive the mention of his ex-girlfriend, even though that ship had sailed and been blow apart weeks ago.
–I think the first sentence here helps give us an idea of what’s going on around them, but could probably be shortened.
–The punctuation in this paragraph strikes me as a bit, umm, exotic. There are two semi-colons, many commas and two sentences separated by a hyphen.

“What are you doing here?” Zoe asked him suspiciously, tucking a stray strand of red hair behind her ear.

“Dad was working on some advertising thingy for hours last night,” he explained, “But, being useless as he is, he forgot to take it with him this morning.”
–I really like the word “thingy” here. It really makes him sound like he’s in over his head.

She smiled and shook her head. “Like father, like son.”
–Haha.

“Hey, I’m no where near as forgetful as Dad,” Victor protested.
–This may just be an American thing, but I’d recommend condensing “no where” into one word, nowhere.

“You always forget your homework.”

“Yes, but – that’s homework. It doesn’t count.”

“Very true,” Zoe mused, “You wouldn’t do it even if you did remember.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, well, why waste my time on something I don’t need to do?”

She sighed. “One day, Victor Coburn, I’m going to find out how you manage to do so well in school without trying at all. But not today. See you around, maybe.”

“Why, are you here all day?” he asked, surprised.

She paused long enough to give him an answer. “I’m helping my Mum.”

–There’s a lot of back-and-forth dialogue here, interrupted only briefly by elements other than what the characters are saying. It may be more evocative to mention more about what the characters are doing, what’s going on, the scenery, etc.
–I’m not quite sure what to make of the detail that Victor does very well in school. It may be inconsistent with the characterization of him as a kind of bumbling kid that forgets everything. On the other hand, it’s not so inconsistent that I think it’s particularly important to revise or remove the detail. What do you think?

Then she dashed out of the doors and down the steps to the street. Zoe Stockton was always in a rush. Victor shook his head; he couldn’t understand the need to hurry all the time. Then he suddenly remembered that he had about 45 minutes before Dad’s meeting started and about 15 minutes more before the boss arrived at his own workplace and realised he wasn’t there on time. The boy eyed the lift regretfully as he ran for the stairs, ignoring the strange looks he got from people in the lobby.
–Is the word “then” at the start of this paragraph necessary? I think that the action– her essentially running away from him– would be more sudden and dramatic if it weren’t initiated by a “then.”

His father was normally happy to see him, but as Victor burst through the door he jumped and frowned at his son. It was only after Victor handed over the massive briefcase and his father’s memory stick that the expression cleared.
–I’d suggest switching “frowned” with a more quizzical expression.

“Oooh, I would have missed that during the meeting,” his Dad chuckled (though Victor didn’t see how it was funny), ruffling his son’s dark hair as he had done when he was small. “Thank you.”
He batted his father’s hand off and ducked away. “Yeah Dad, whatever.”
–the parenthetical phrase here is awkward. It’s a long sentence already.

“I’ve seen Clara Stockton’s daughter around today,” Mr. Coburn told his son, almost casually, as he carefully placed the briefcase on his desk. “She’s a nice girl.”
–This seems like an awkward way to introduce the dad’s feelings about Zoe. It may be slightly less awkward if the son brings him his briefcase AND something that Zoe asked him to take up that way.

“She’s alright,” he replied warily.

“Quite pretty, too.”

Victor groaned. Not this again. “Dad!”
–”Not this again” seems to be from Victor’s perspective rather than the narrator’s.

“I’m just saying,” his father answered defensively, holding up his hands. “It’s, you know, an observation.”

“Not a very subtle one . . .” Victor scowled, annoyed by his father’s words – although it wasn’t so much his words as the tone behind them. His Dad was of the mistaken belief that he hadn’t quite “gotten over” Michelle yet and, apparently, a new girlfriend would solve this problem. Even if his father had been right – which he definitely, definitely wasn’t – then Zoe Stockton was not the solution.
–If the tone is what annoys the boy, then it would probably help to mention the tone when the father is first speaking the words.
–”was of the mistaken belief that” could probably be “mistakenly believed that”
–Depending on your style, a zany metaphor or simile might be in order at the end of the paragraph. “Zoe Stockton was not the solution, any more than Victor was a jelly doughnut.”

As his Dad started to say something else, Victor looked at his watch – and grimaced. “Dad, I’m really sorry but I’ve got to go.”

His father looked at the clock on the wall. Scowling, he said, “Christ Vic, didn’t your work start 10 minutes ago? Can’t you keep better time?”
–Haha, I like this.

“Well, I had to come a different way to give you all your stuff for the meeting!” Victor protested
The man’s angry expression dissolved. “I should have known that would be the explanation. I’m sorry; you shouldn’t have to look after your old Dad like this. If I’d remembered everything this morning like I was supposed to . . .”
–I don’t like this paragraph. First, the father comes to appreciate the son’s efforts too quickly. Second, I think that the relationship between the father and son would be more interesting if the father appears to blame the boy for being late to work (when we know that it’s really the father’s fault).

“Yeah Dad, that’s great,” Victor said, concentrating on edging towards the door rather than listening, “Look, save the rant for later, okay? I’ve got to run. Good luck with your meeting!”
–Not necessary, I think.

Without letting his father get another word in, Victor opened the door and stepped outside before slamming it behind him. He felt a little guilty about running from his Dad without even saying goodbye properly, but he was late and getting later by the second. This thought spurred him on as he threw himself down the stairs, hoping that he’d be able to make it to work before he became grounds-for-firing late.

He reached the first floor without incident, dodging around astonished office workers like the rugby star that he was. Victor was starting to feel a little more optimistic about keeping his job when he ran into Zoe Stockton again – literally.
–I’m having trouble visualizing him as a rugby star, but OK.

“Ow!” The girl exclaimed loudly, crashing to the floor and dropping the large stack of files she was carrying. Victor stood sheepishly amongst the mess as she glared up at him. “What the hell, Victor? Are you out to get me today or something?”
–I love her lines here.

“Sorry,” he muttered, helping Zoe to her feet. “I’m not having a good day.”
“You really didn’t have to tell me that,” she answered sourly, “I think I could have worked it out for myself.”
–Her lines may be longer than necessary here. You could probably cut out her first line and use her second instead.

Victor sighed and simply started collecting the files together again as quickly as he could. After a moment, when she’d realised that he was intelligent enough not to get into an argument with her (not right now, anyway), Zoe started to help.

It took well over ten minutes, because Zoe insisted on putting back all the papers into the right files (how she knew, Victor had no idea, and he suspected she was guessing with half of them. He also suspected she would blame those ones on him). By the time it was done Victor looked like he was dancing on coals – every second in Zoe’s company that dragged by reminded him that he was getting closer and closer to a lot of trouble at work (with a capital T).
–I’d recommend axing the phrase “with a capital T.”

He was relieved when the task was finally done. “I’m really sorry about that, Zoe. Anyway, I’ll see you around, I’ve got to–”

“I don’t think so,” Zoe interrupted thunderously, “You are not getting away with this that easily!”
“But I’m late for work,” Victor protested, inwardly groaning as he imagined just what more delay would do to his welcome.
–I dislike some of the phrases here. thunderously is a kind of intrusive word… inwardly groaning seems kind of superfluous…

“Well I don’t care! I’m injured!” she retorted, tossing her hair and glaring. “Besides, aren’t you on the rugby team? This should take you half the time it would take me.”
–”I’m injured!” Haha!

“There’s a big difference between rugby and carrying a bunch of folders–” he began.
Zoe evidently wasn’t listening. She picked up all but three of the folders and dumped them into his arms. “Stop whining and get moving. My Mum’s office is on the tenth floor.”

Victor groaned. “Zoe, I’m going to be so late it’s not even funny . . .”

“Well you should have thought of that before you crashed into me,” she answered. “Come on, we’ll take the lift.”
–Comma after well, I think.
–”Well, you should have thought of that before you crashed into me.” Haha!

–What would you think about ending the chapter here?  I didn’t find the next two paragraphs very productive.

He snorted bad-temperedly. “Well, thank God for small mercies. At least we can take the lift.”

Victor Coburn found himself being dragged to the tenth floor, hoping that Zoe’s demands wouldn’t make him as late for work as he suspected they might – not that he could just walk off after running into her like that. And, in all honesty, at this point it probably wouldn’t make much of a difference anyway.

What I’m Writing: a superhero novel about the adventures of a teenage waiter/student named Isaac Maehara. Having been abandoned in our universe by his species, he has lived in a foster family for his whole life. Being a separate species has its perks, such as the ability to convert air into energy through mental power and the ability to fly, but Isaac feels a bit cut off because of his secret. When he becomes a superhero known as the Guardian, he has to put up with a blackmailing girlfriend and a villain set on revenge, all while hiding his injuries from his family/friends and making up lies to keep his secret safe.

Target Audience: My target audience is from 12-16 year olds, but I’m not really writing for any gender. I have moments for the girls (a bit of romance and some “aaw” moments) and some for the guys (fights, showdowns and tension). I think it would attract new people to the genre, as well as people who’ve read similar things before.

Author Experience: I’m a bit experienced at writing; I’ve been doing it roughly five years (though the first three years produced nothing but crap), so I’d be “Please be polite, but I can take a bit of criticism.” I’m extremely reluctant to change big details like twists and characterization.

Comparable Works: Mine could be compared to Maximum Ride and maybe Daniel X, both of which are my favourites and the only ones I’ve read.

FROM: AgentOrange@osi.hr.gov

TO: OfficeofSpecialInvestigationsListServ@osi. gov

SUBJ: I’m in reptile hell, wish you were here! And a cheerful December 25 to you, too!

Our idiotic legislative branch has seen fit to direct federal Human Resources branches to “take measures this December to promote diversity through awareness of the cultural practices of diverse cultures practicing December sentiment.*”

Investigation has revealed that OSI agents culturally practice such diverse days as Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Pancha Ganapati, and the Winter Solstice Festival of The Arrival of The Dark Lord Xanthu*. If you are interested in learning about these festivals, get your ass to a library.

If you are reading this, your ass is not in a library because agency e-mail accounts are not for public use and because the consequences for violating operational security are swift, severe and sharp.

Because you do not have access to a library, allow me to enlighten you about the December beliefs of certain tribes of a certain kingdom** contained within Florida in an area that is caught between four nuclear power plants that make Chernobyl look appealing have deflated local property values. “Seminoles?” you ask.***

I’m speaking about a tribe virtually identical to Seminoles in every respect but a few: 1) scales 2) foot-long-teeth 3) a total absence of anything approaching culture or intelligence. We are, of course, speaking about the dwellers creatures of the Jurassic Arc. They are known by many names: manimals, crackodiles, mutated wastes of oxygen. As far as anyone can tell, their main purpose is to serve as the best argument against nuclear power.

Congress recently suggested that, “the government is undertaking a cultural excursion to the crocodiles of the ‘Jurassic Arc.’ Given the dearth of reptile-American federal employees, it is suggested that you partake of said excursion. It is noted that the Office of Special Investigation’s budgetary request is pending.”  

The Jurassic Arc is a fine place to spend a hellish week experiencing the filthy bottom hygienic diversity of the reptile world. National Geographic recently described the radioactive weedarium marsh as “an epic opportunity to explore a self-contained biome that closely resembles the conditions of the late Jurassic.” That all is true, insofar as the late Jurassic had 1) reptiles so vilely repulsive that other species felt the need to flee from or attack them 2) mosquitoes the size of Seminoles (helicopters, not Indians) and 3) a conspicuous lack of deodorant.

Earlier today I met a moonsuited researcher-mammal from the Environmental Protection Agency. He was positively giddy about the “sociological value” of the find here. He asserts that some fraction of the creatures here have quasi-human intelligence. Either his nose is completely dysfunctional or, more likely, the DEA should investigate whatever he’s buying from the crackodiles.

Speaking of “sociological value,” I think that it would be worthwhile to document some conversations to prepare my legal defense.

ORANGE: Hello. I’m Agent Orange.

CRACKODILE 1: Oarings!

CRACKODILE 2: Awwings!

CRACKODILE 3: What’s a agent?

CRACKODILE 2: Aging!

CRACODILE 1: Eh-gint!

ORANGE: Sort of like a primordial lizard, except that I have a higher threshold to wanton slaughter and am much more effective at it.

CRACKODILE 3: What’s a threshold?

ORANGE: Getting lower by the moment.

The following conversation occurs after the three crackodiles have apparently stalked me in the wilderness to discover where I make camp each night.

ORANGE: …you woke me up.

CRACKODILE 1, 2: Hullo!

ORANGE: What are you doing here?

CRACKODILE 3: They wanted to know what your box does.

ORANGE: My computer? It’s a machine that protects my sanity by connecting me to intelligent life.

CRACKODILE 1: Compooder!

ORANGE: GAH! Slowly, put that down… or I will put you down.

CRACKODILE 2: Food!

ORANGE: NO!

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: I WILL END YOU!

Fortunately for the continuation of the crackodile species, the EPA agent happily surrendered offered his computer to me. On day four of our cultural excursion, the EPA man made the egregious mistake of bringing up Christmas. Crackodile 3 then attempted to demonstrate his tribe’s own religious gift-bringing ceremonies. The details are still unclear to me—and I hope they always will be—but the EPA agent woke up the next morning to find what is apparently the severed head of a leopluridon at his feet. The EPA agent attempted to explain to me that night that the ritual rearranging of the leopluridon’s brain tissue is meant to bring good luck.

Other Findings

1. The next mammal to call me a “peer” of the crackodiles is going to have an unfortunate accident falling down the stairs. Onto a food processor.
2. The next time someone wants religious diversity, they’re getting a decapitated leopluridon.

Tail-notes

*Mammals!

**NON-MAMMALS!

***Assuming you’re an idiot.

****BECAUSE CLAWS ARE SCARIER, DAMMIT.

Appendix

Here is a series of completely unrelated thoughts.

1. I am on “an excursion to the [crackodiles] of the Jurassic Arc,” which suggests that my obligation is predicated on the presence of crackodiles.
2. I laughed so hard during the scene in Aberration when the broad rigs her house to explode and then lures the crocodiles inside.
3. The crackodiles live in something like a communal hut.
4. Eglin Air Force Base is an hour’s flight away.
5. Captain Crash can restation himself and his F-99 to EAFB at his leisure.
6. EAFB has occasionally had issues with ordnance control. They really need to be more careful.
7. Captain Crash’s F-99 holds three tons of bunker-busting explosives.
8. The crackodiles have expressed an interest in flying mammals.
9. Captain Crash is, in a matter of speaking, a flying mammal.
10. If any crackodiles are alive by the time Congress allows me to escape, a flying mammal will be restationed to the Jurassic Arc.

Having trounced Pittsburgh, the New England Patriots appear to have a clear road to a perfect 16-0 season.  But they won’t go 16-0 because the Miami Dolphins are going to beat them and go 1-15.  I will further predict that their win against the Patriots will be their only win this season. 

10 days ago, I changed the title of one of my most popular articles from “Helping Girls Write Guys” to “Writing Male Characters” (I explained my reasoning here). I think that it’ll take 20 or so more days until I have conclusive information, but so far the article has tripled in unique hits over the past ~9.5 days compared to the 10 days before the change. I had anticipated some change, because my target audience is much more likely to use words like male/writing/characters than helping/girls/guys, but the magnitude of the leap surprised me.

Additionally, the article has become more effective. I suspect that the new title retains readers that click the Google link more effectively. “Writing Male Characters” is very straight-forward and serious; “Helping Girls Write Guys” doesn’t sound nearly as helpful.

1. Before, the article bounced an unacceptably high ~60% of readers. That has dropped to 35%. My preliminary conclusion is that strong titles are critical to retaining readers.
2. Including readers that bounce after a very short amount of time, the average time spent on the article has increased from two minutes to three. Excluding relatively unpopular articles that are skewed by a few devoted readers (three people spent an average of 30 minutes on one of mine), only my review of Soon I Will Be Invincible and my article on naming characters retain readers longer. And my SIWBI review is 4000 words long.
3. With the exception of the main site at www.superheronation.com, more readers enter my site through this article than any other.

Agent Orange: Contrary to popular belief, the New York Times is not actually the most anti-American news outlet. CSPAN is far more dangerous, and not just because it is more accurate than the average comic book. You couldn’t design anti-American propaganda more effective than around-the-clock Congressional coverage.

Jimmy, age 6, asks: what’s the difference between alligators and crocodiles? Aren’t they like the same thing?

Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, answers:

No, Jimmy, gators aren’t like crocodiles. Comparing alligators to crocodiles is like comparing college to kindergarten. Or a F-22 to a Cessna. Alligators are distinctly superior, whether you look at intelligence, awesomeness or humility.

1. Alligators (A) are friendly and have a skull that isn’t shaped like a demented cheese wedge (B). Also, alligators aren’t flagrantly repulsive.
2. Crocodiles plague most of the world but alligators reside in only the US and China. This proves that being a superpower is 100% caused by gators.
3. Alligators are Florida’s official state reptile. (In your face, geckos).

Alligators are good-natured and friendly, even when attacked by mammals

Mammals love being around alligators

Alligators are outgoing and neighborly

The gator’s first plan was thwarted by his unfortunate lack of opposable thumbs. But his pizza boy strategy will eventually succeed.

Crocodiles are incomprehensibly stupid

Intelligent species have wondered for eons what the purpose of crocodiles is. We’re still wondering, but it probably has something to do with making lemmings feel better about themselves.

Crocodiles are bad at everything

Crocodiles deal drugs to kids

Crocodiles bring ruination and despair

The crocodile—savage killing machine, or the best argument against Botswana tourism?

Photograph courtesy of Botswana, whose perpetual economic turmoil and total geopolitical insignificance obviously stem from its plague of crocodiles.

Tailnotes

If you found this discussion of the differences between alligators and crocodiles informative, please see my account of a week in crocodile hell, courtesy of the US Congress.

Additionally: if you’ve read some of the chapters of Superhero Nation, Retcon thinks that you might get confused by continuity errors. If you are cleared to do so, please read the attached briefing.

Continue Reading »

“You don’t change the world by whispering.” — NY Governor Eliot Spitzer

“Only a New Yorker could think that volume can change the world.”– Jacob Mallow

This is my storyboard for the page I’d like illustrated first.

Panel 1:
The camera is zoomed in on a young accountant in the doorway of his ideal suburban house (see reference below for the house). The angle here should be askew, slightly canted so that the frame is not quite parallel to the ground.  The accountant (Gary) is a disheveled wreck getting ready to run out to his car. His tie is hanging around his neck and his teeth are hanging on to a piece of toast that he didn’t have time to eat. He is frantic and has clearly overslept. His right hand holds a briefcase.

Panel 2:
He runs madly towards his car (reference below). I’d like the camera to focus on his legs and waist. His left hand should, at this point, reach into his pocket. (Yeah, it’s OK if running with a hand in his pocket looks awkward).

His car should look pretty plain but not boring. He’s an IRS accountant but I want readers to feel that they can relate to him. Something like this car below. (Colorwise, I’d like it in a beige or a weak blue).

Panel 3:
This shot should be angled so that the car is oriented like it is like it is in the shot above. We see him from the back as he’s facing perpendicular to the car from 5-10 feet away. He has pulled out a starter. We should be able to read the car’s license plate, which says TAXMAN. Again, this is meant to establish his style. I think that readers will like him a lot more if they feel he has flavor… so, if you need to adjust the angle or the car to get the license plate in, please do so.

Panel 4:
He clicks the starter. (Sound effect: Click). Again, it’s important that he be illustrated 5-10 feet away from the car.

Panel 5:
When he starts the engine, he unwittingly sets off a bomb that was intended to kill him. (Sound effect: boom).

Proportionwise, this is how I was envisioning it: 35% of the page’s height for panels 1 and 2, 25% for 3 and 4, and 40% for panel 5. Panels 1, 2, 3 and 4 would each span half of the page horizontally and 5 would span the entire page.

Visual References

Miscellaneous Details

• It’s very early in the morning.
• It’s summer.
• Please don’t illustrate any bystanders.  Gary should be alone when the bomb goes off.
• I want Gary’s house to look ideal and Eden-esque.  Please replace the bushes and hedges out front with some flowers (see reference for some examples).
• Except for the explosion, this scene should be very cheerful/bright/happy.

If you have any questions, please email me at bmckenzie05-at-gmail[dot]com.

FROM: AgentOrange@osi.hr.gov

TO: OfficeofSpecialInvestigationsListServ@osi.gov

SUBJ: December Morale Issues

As you receive your duty schedules this December, please think of the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

What happened in the Rudolph case study

1. Team-members pulling together to complete an important task
2. Division of labor

What didn’t happen in the Rudolph case study

1. Reindeer complaining about “hazard pay” or “life insurance premiums”
2. Reindeer demanding to be at home on Dec. 24 or 25.
3. Threats of congressional investigations into Reindeer Resources practices and relevant reindeer being kicked into a food processor

Ho, ho, ho! Have a cheerfully nondenominationally cheerful December season!

–Human Resources

“I reject the cynical view that politics is a dirty business.”– Richard Nixon

Sorry, I can’t think of any way to make that any funnier.

Hello, these are the first four pages of our script.

PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. The morning sun is rising over a cheerful-looking suburban house. It’s summer.

CAP: 7:35 Monday at the home of IRS Agent Gary Williams.

Panel 2. The front door is now open, showing a mundane-looking man around 25 years old, dressed for work in a drab suit and carrying a briefcase.

Panel 3. He is closer to his car. He reaches into his pocket.

Panel 4. He pulls out his keys and starts the engine remotely. He’s several feet away from the car.

SFX: Click.

Panel 5. The car explodes (because starting the engine set off a car-bomb). Agent Williams is within 5-10 feet of the car when it explodes.

PAGE TWO (four panels)

Panel 1. Williams wakes up in a hospital. He should have some bandages but generally look uninjured. A police officer with a US Marshal’s badge is staring out the window at a generic US cityscape.

WILLIAMS:
What happened?

US MARSHAL:
A car bomb. Someone wants you dead.

Panel 2. Williams looks shocked and scandalized.

WILLIAMS:
But who would want to kill an IRS agent?

US MARSHAL, with a grim smile:
300 million people, easy. But mainly we’re considering the criminals you investigated. Do any cases stick out to you?

Panel 3. Williams is counting on his fingers, recounting the criminals he’s investigated this year. He should look innocent and oblivious to the fact that many people have an incentive to kill him.

WILLIAMS:
Well, uhh… this year I had a money laundering case against a drug gang, a fraud case against the KKK, a few mob indictments, seven or eight hundred individual charges of tax evasion…

Panel 4: Williams cuts himself off after seeing a clock over the Marshal’s shoulder.

WILLIAMS:
–it’s 9:20. I’m late for work!

MARSHAL:
You are not going to work, Mr. Williams.

PAGE THREE (five panels)

Panel 1: Williams tries to get out of his bed, but the Marshal presses his hands down on Williams’ shoulders.

WILLIAMS:
But I can still make my 10 o’clock appoint—

MARSHAL:
We told the IRS that you’re dead. You can’t go back there.

Panel 2. Williams looks puzzled.

MARSHALL:
We don’t know who tried to murder you or how they got your address.

Panel 3.

MARSHALL:
We have to assume that someone at the IRS helped them. If you returned to your workplace or home, word would get out that you survived and the killers would finish the job.

WILLIAMS:
Those are my friends! You can’t ask me to give my life away.

Panel 4.

MARSHALL:
I wasn’t asking. The alternative is being taken into Witness Protection until the investigation is complete. Probably a year. I hope you like Anchorage.

Panel 5. Williams slumps against the bed’s backboard, melancholy.

WILLIAMS:
A year…

MARSHAL:
We’ll put you on paid administrative leave and you can even get a new job if you’d like. It’s not that bad.

PAGE FOUR (five panels)

Panel 1. scrawny government agent in a business suit is having a telephone conversation with Williams from his bland office. In the back, we see an American flag and the FBI seal painted onto a window.

FBI HUMAN RESOURCES AGENT:
I’m sorry, Mr. Williams, but…

Panel 2. A very similarly dressed agent is having a similar phone conversation with Williams. This time, it’s a Drug Enforcement Agency seal painted either on a window or the back wall. To help differentiate this speaker from the previous one, please vary the character’s race and/or gender.

DEA HUMAN RESOURCES AGENT:
…our agents require at least a year of training, so…

Panel 3. Yet another government agent is speaking on the phone with Williams. This time the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms Bureau seal is somewhere in the office.

ATF HUMAN RESOURCES AGENT:
… I must inform you that, regretfully…

Panel 4. Another government agent is on the phone. This time, please use a seal from the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency. (Readers won’t recognize the seal, but they should be able to pick up the message that Williams is exhausting every option).

OCC HUMAN RESOURCES AGENT:
…we cannot hire you at this time.

Panel 5. Williams is slumped over at a mostly vacant bar, with a few empty mugs near him. On the edge of the paper, we see a muscular and hard-looking man approaching Williams, but the main visual here is Williams taking his job rejections hard.

“I’m a conservative, but I’m not a nut about it.”– George H.W. Bush

“And that is why you and I are different.”– Dr. Lizard, webmaster of the Lizard Lounge.

“Poor Darrell Hammond. What’s he going to do when I leave office?”– Bill Clinton

“Probably enjoy his internship more.”– Dr. Lizard

1. Post something every day. If you’re gungho enough to actually log on to your site every day, great. If not, write a few more posts than you need and set their timestamps so that they come out once a day. Having one post a day is vastly preferable to a few posts every few days.
   1. Daily posts encourages readers to check your site often. It also reminds your readers that you’re still alive and why they love coming back. (Right, guys?)
   2. Coming up with 7 posts each week is not too hard. I think we have 400 posts over the five months. Admittedly, we have a team of contributors, but to be fair I would venture to say that at least 200-250 of those are mine.
   3. If interested readers see that you haven’t updated in the past few days, they may stop coming. I loved Your Webcomic Can Still Be Saved but it hasn’t posted in quite some time. I no longer check it.
   4. Your readers won’t derive as much enjoyment from the second article as the first (diminishing returns). But it’s just as hard to write the second article as it is to write the first. From an economics standpoint, it makes more sense to stash the second article.
2. Strategic post timing. I think the most popular time to browse the web is (for adults) around 5pm-8pm. It’s probably around 3-5 pm for students. Target your posts to just before your audience is likely to check.
3. What should you post? That depends on what your site’s aim is. If you’re trying to market a novel, you can show your writing style with one-liners from your characters, strong scenes or a short conversation between two characters. Character profiles may be useful, particularly if your characters are fresh enough to draw us into the story.

I hate little writing guides. I read one this morning that offered only ~300 words on writing characters, all of which could be summarized as “write authentic characters,” which was incidentally the chapter heading. Write authentic characters. Thanks!

Hopefully, this article will prove more useful to you. As you craft and introduce a character, you have many tools at your disposal. I’ll offer some tips for the following aspects and tools of character creation.

1. Character genesis: what kind of character do you need?
2. Introducing your character
3. Making your characters memorable/sticky
4. Three dimensional characters
5. Character problems

Character Genesis: what kind of character do you need?

Virtually every well-designed character has each of the following:

1. Purpose
   1. This is the role he plays in your story. If your character does not play a unique and useful role in the plot, you need to rewrite or remove him. Characters are unique if their role can’t be performed by the story’s other characters. A character is useful he cannot be removed without dramatically weakening the story. That’s subjective, but often your beta readers agree which characters are productive and/or interesting and which aren’t. If you have beta readers, ask questions like “what role did John play in this chapter?” or “which character contributed the least?”—those are pretty direct ways of getting reader impressions on the material. If you don’t have beta readers, go to http://www.critters.org; it’s a very professional and free online writing workshop.
   2. Purpose comes first because everything else you put into your character hinges on the role you need him to play. Purpose should drive development. For example, if you want a character to add comic quips, he should be witty. Readers will notice if a supposedly slow character is verbally quick.
      
   3. Your audience and world often reach the same conclusions about a character. But, if you intend your readers not to agree with what your characters think about another character, make it clear why there’s a distinction. (Failing to do so will make your characters feel flat or unbelievable). NOTE: this should be done as sparingly as possible. Discrepancies tend to disconnect readers from the story.

2. Goals
   1. Real people have goals. Your characters should, too! Goals add plot coherence. If your plot moves from one characters attempting to achieve his goal to another thwarting him by pursuing his own agenda and then back to the first character trying again, it tends to flow nicely.
   2. Goals make characters deep and believable. Did Neville Longbottom go to Hogwarts just so Snape could pound on him? Hell no! He wants to be a man, which drives him to (hilariously) confront Harry Potter towards the end of the first book. Goals are essential to making your characters more than just props. Even your minor characters should have them.
3. Problems
   1. Real people have problems, too. Problems are a great way to develop your characters. In fact, sometimes the problems are more memorable than the characters themselves (how long could you talk about Luke Skywalker before saying “Darth Vader?”)
   2. Sometimes you reach for your goal and fail. Failure adds drama! Someone who succeeds the first time, every time is not really interesting. The higher the barriers are, the more your readers will enjoy watching the leap. Failure also helps develop characters. Adversity brings out resourcefulness, ingenuity and strength.
   3. Problems also help you mix up the plot. If your character tries shouldering open a locked door but fails, it wouldn’t be very dramatic if he just kept hitting it until it opened. This gives you an opportunity to show that your character is able to do more than solve all of his problems one way—action writers often tend to focus on violent or confrontational solutions. If you feel you have that problem, try mixing it up by placing your hero in a position where he’s hopelessly outpowered, ideally in a social setting. You can’t punch your boss…
   4. Are you using a broad set of problems? Here are a few to consider. 1) Nature/natural phenomena 2)Violent antagonists 3) Iagos (diplomatically savvy antagonists) 4) The hero’s shortcomings 5) The hero’s goals conflict 6) Conflicting heroes
4. Flaws
   1. Authors sometimes mistakenly confuse problems with flaws. Problems are obstacles or failures. Flaws are attributes that the audience won’t find endearing.
   2. Many authors tend to subconsciously write characters as reflections of themselves. That’s fine, as long as you don’t idealize yourself. Realistic characters virtually require flaws. “But I want my audience to sympathize with my hero!” That’s a good point, but keep in mind that flaws can accentuate positive traits. For example, an idealistic character might be depressed because the world doesn’t meet his expectations. His depression will remind us that he lives by his ideals.
   3. On the other hand, villains often have too many flaws. Sympathetic villains—with agendas we can relate to, even if we don’t want them to succeed— are often the most memorable and feel the most realistic (Darth Vader).
   4. Flaws tend to be more memorable. For example, in Naomi Novik’s Temeraire series, Temeraire has an interesting set of characteristics. Let’s see… he’s a dragon, enthusiastic about geometry, he is very affectionate towards his Captain/partner, is strongly anti-slavery and wants sweeping reforms to make British society more dragon-friendly (like tearing up London buildings to make the streets widers). But what is most salient about Temeraire—and characterizes him the best—is that he’s politically radical and doesn’t care about what society deems acceptable.
   5. Flaws tend to add plot coherence. Temeraire [SPOILER] goes rogue and refuses to carry out a plot to poison French dragons. [/SPOILER] That flows naturally from his deeply held views about the dignity of dragons. It doesn’t feel like the author randomly decided to have Temeraire rebel to spice the plot up. Plots driven by flaws tend to be more coherent and feel less arbitrary, partially because flaw-driven foreshadowing is more noticeable and memorable.

Memorable/Sticky Characters

You want your characters to be memorable, I’m sure. More precisely, your characters should be sticky—something about them needs to stick long and hard with your readers.

Readers will often miss minor details, especially one introduced only once or twice. The essence of stickiness is giving each character one or two defining characteristics that provide memory cues to everything else about the character. If you bring attention to those defining characteristics a few times, readers will gradually make a lasting impression and they will easily remember the character.

Here’s an example from my own work: one of Agent Orange’s defining characteristics is that he’s an (reptilian) alien. I assumed that readers would remember that unusual detail. WRONG! Not only had the majority forgotten that he was the alien, many more had gotten confused about the species of some human characters. To help cue my readers, I had Agent Orange say “mammals*” whenever he’s exasperated, faces a political obstacle, has to explain something about himself or is otherwise perplexed by American culture.

[1]

ORANGE: Do you smell that?

LASH: That you smell like an ashtray?

ORANGE: The squid. He’s a mile off.

LASH: How the hell could I smell a squid a mile away?

ORANGE: Mammals.

[2]

Agent BLACK: I’ll stick with the experience and Darwin factors.

Agent ORANGE: (Mammals). When Freakshow is melting your neural synapses together, let me know how much inspiration and comfort those give you.

BLACK: I will try to remember to do that, sir.

ORANGE: (Wiseass).

This recurring remark has benefits beyond reminding readers that Orange isn’t human. Sometimes I’ll ask my reviewers questions like “do you remember a passage that shows how Agent Orange (or nonhumans generally) get along with humans?” They almost always pick a “mammals” passage. I think the word “mammals” is a pretty good cue that the reader is supposed to make associations there.

Since I’ve introduced the “mammals” lines, readers have fared much better on open-ended questions like “how would you characterize human-nonhuman relationships in Superhero Nation?” I’m looking for words like “awkward,” “well-intentioned,” “strange” and “friendly”—at least, that’s what I meant to convey. Before I used mammal lines, most readers had no clue and the rest mentioned discrimination. That was certainly puzzling, given that the only recurring nonhuman character is a ranking government official that’s friendly with his co-workers.

Now, I see a lot more answers that use words like “strained,” “symbiotic,” different perspectives, etc.

Big picture, “mammals” helps characterize Orange. It reminds us that he’s not a human and that his relations with humans are mostly positive but kind of outsider-looking-in (I like “symbiotic”).

*I experimented with him saying “humans” but that came off much more sinister and lacked the whimsy and exasperation I was looking for. Reviewers overwhelmingly agreed that “mammals” was friendlier. One said that “humans rings with contempt. It sounds like a slur.” Another agreed that mammals was less threatening because it paralleled racism less. By using “mammals” instead of “humans,” Orange implicitly contrasts himself as a reptile rather than a dragon. “I don’t think he’s suggesting reptiles are categorically superior to mammals, but I think using ‘humans’ does suggest a categorical assertion about the superiority of his species [dragons].”

I’m only done with part 1 of this, but it’s pretty late here. I’ll complete this later.