Jan 24 2009
Your Title is Bad, But You Can Fix It (Part 10)
Cadet Davis reviews and revises the titles of 30 manuscripts submitted to a writing workshop. This will help you evaluate and improve your titles.
Above Average
- Jihad 2115. This is a very straightforward title for a futuristic counterterrorism story. It identifies itself to its niche of readers very effectively.
- Certified to be Human. This is more of a head-scratcher, but it’s stylish and I’m pretty sure that the book is about a cyborg trying to be human. However, it could be smoother as something like Certifiably Human.
- Midwife Crisis. I’m such a sucker for puns. I think this one works because I know what’s at stake and what the book is about. Also, it markets itself as a comedy, which is often a difficult thing to show with a title.
Acceptable
- We Are Justice. This is delightfully creepy, but I don’t know enough about what’s going on here. Is this… a dystopian superhero novel? A futuristic cop story? A hard-hitting detective story? Etc.
- A Human Failing. It would probably help to be more specific about which human failing we’re looking at. (Lust? Vengeance? Something quirky?) For example, something like “Charity is a Human Failing” would say a lot more about the book. Also, I think the word “human” may be a red herring. Are there nonhumans in this book? Since that sort of detail will help shape the audience, it’s probably something that should be clearer. In contrast, “Charity is a Human Failing” leaves very little doubt that there are nonhumans in the book, so that will help pick out the right niche of readers.
- The Hacker. This is a character, not a story. What’s the hacker doing? Why should we care?
- Performance Review. This needs more style and specificity. What kind of performance review are we looking at? Why should we care? If this were a story about a bureaucratic take on heaven, for example, we could try something like “Halo Needs Shining; Wings Not Much Better.” It hopefully conveys the feel of a performance review but shows us more about what kind of story this is.
- The Junkie’s Promise. Promise is a very vague word that doesn’t really say anything useful about the plot. I’d really like to know more about what’s at stake for the junkie. Junkie is a great word, by the way. It helps set the setting and attract the right subset of readers.
- Ragged Edge of Hell. I like the style here. I feel like I know something about the plot (an unpleasant trip into hell), but it might help to show us something more about the protagonist and/or what’s at stake for him.
- In the Beginning. This is borderline awful, but I think it’s almost acceptable because it clearly marks itself as a story about Genesis. It identifies itself to readers, but doesn’t say as much about its style as Jihad 2115 did.
Awful (But Fixable!)
- Beware the Fury. What’s at stake? Why should we care? What’s the setting? Don’t know, don’t care. (You’re going to be hearing “don’t know, don’t care” a lot, so please get used to it).
- The Blessing. Who gets blessed? In what way? Why should we care? What’s at stake? What’s the setting? Is this fantasy, real-world fiction or something else? Don’t know, don’t care.
- Tyre’s Bride. Who’s Tyre? Why should I care about his bride? What’s at stake? Setting/genre? DKDC.
- The Right Profile. It’s not clear enough what’s going on. What kind of profile are we talking about? (For example… criminal profiling, the profile for the right job candidate, or something else entirely). What’s at stake? Another detail would probably help this title a lot.
- Scare. It’s very rare that a horror book gets an awful rating from me, but this one says nothing about the book except that it’s horror. It would probably be effective to be a bit more specific about what happens. (EG: Texas Chainsaw Massacre vs. Signs vs. Blair Witch Project).
- White Heart. The word “heart” sucks. Also, what’s a white heart and what’s this story about? What’s at stake? What happens? Why should we care?
- The Sick Man. Sick in what way? Specifics will really help this title. Is this a story about… mental illness? Coming to grips with a fatal disease? A psycho serial killer? An epidemic?
- The Second Coming of the Fallen Angel. The phrase “The Second Coming” is a huge red herring here.
- Definitely Warped. Stylish, but this doesn’t say enough about the story.
- Buddy 1205. I don’t feel like I know enough about what’s going on here.
- The Other Body. No clue. What’s going on here?
- The Omega Climber. What the hell?
- Devour. One word titles are usually ineffective, and this is no exception. Adding another detail would probably help make this more specific and stylish.
- The Goddess Renewed. Renewed is an awful word here. It would have been better to go with something that suggests what’s at stake. For example, what’s she renewing herself from? If she’s just trying to overcome fatigue or the heavenly equivalent of a midlife crisis, I’d use something like “The Tired Goddess.”
- Legacy Soldier. I don’t know what the word legacy means here.
- Dream Dark, Dream Deadly. I don’t know… This just feels really cheesy.
- Hair Troubles. Could be interesting, but I think that it needs to be more specific.
- Night Songs. “Songs” is an awful word for titles. So is “Night!” Not surprisingly, when you string together two awful words, you get an awful title.
- Bjorn the Upstart. Interesting noun, but the name Bjorn here feels like a red herring. Are we talking about the rock star or someone else with that name?
- Vision. A vision of what? Or, alternately, are we talking about someone’s eyes and literally what they can see? What’s the setting? What’s at stake? Why should we care?
- With His Own Two Hands. Who is “he” and why should I care about him? What’s he doing with his hands?
- The Senim. What’s a Senim? Don’t know, don’t care.
- A Friend in Need. Too cliche. Needs more style.
- The Real Estate Mogul. This is a character, but not a story. What’s at stake? Why should we care about this mogul?
- Keeper of Man. I don’t know what’s going on here. It sounds like it might be a Biblical allusion or something, but I’m really tired and I didn’t pick it up. Next! (If my reaction seems petty or unfair, keep in mind that publisher’s assistants spend hours each day doing this and they’re looking for reasons to throw away manuscripts. An unclear title is a great place to start).
- Song of the Siren. Way too bland.
- Skinny. This is a character trait, but not really a story. For example, what’s skinny and why does it matter? For example, if this were about a boxer trying to reach a particular weight class, “Making Weight” would be more effective.
- The Mad Cave. Interesting adjective, but I don’t know why I would care.
This article was the tenth part of a series. If you’d like to read our reviews of other batches of titles, please see the list just below.
What do you think of “Sanding Lucifer’s Horns?”
Hmm, I don’t get it. What’s the story about? And what do you mean by sanding his horns?
I think a closer one is “Polishing Lucifer’s Horns”, that clears up what side the main character is on. I don’t know what its about. I’m guessing it has to do with a character that works closely with the devil. Maybe his Yesman.
Hmm, if the story is about one of the devil’s PR people, you could try something like “Selling the Devil” or “Lucifer’s Flack.”
Oh, this isn’t my story it’s a friend’s. I’m a Christian, but I like to stay away from religous fiction.
Ah, wish him the best from me.
As for “Sanding Lucifer’s Horns,” my main concern is that it isn’t clear what sanding the horns means. Like you suggested, polishing the horns makes it more obvious that the character is working for Lucifer.
Additionally, depending on the audience, STH may cause some confusion with Hellboy. Hellboy sands his horns, shaving them down to fit in with humans.
I’ve read your article on words that shouldn’t be used in titles, and pretty much everything here on titles here. I need to come up with a title for a fantasy that I’m working on. I know I don’t want to name it after the main character, because that would be lame. The best I’ve come up with so far is ‘Hearts of Silver.’ Despite the fact that you’ve stated that ‘heart’ brings down titles, but I figure it gets some points for being a spin of heart of gold, however I’m worried that it doesn’t reveal too much about my story aside from the fact that my characters aren’t morally perfect. Could I get some help here?
Could you give me a 3-5 sentence synopsis of your story? That would help me suggest some ideas.
I don’t really have anything in writing yet, but the general plot involves a shapeshifter bred to be at the mercy of his masters rebelling against them to protect his loved one. I want to finalize a name, because I chose make a poster featuring the characters for an art project and I had hoped to have a good title on there. I greatly appreciate the help though and I’m certain that more details would be required to make something truly excellent, is there anything in particular that would help?
What’s the general feel of the story? Is it dark or light?
What are some distinguishing traits of the main character?
So general points about the story will help.
I intend for it to have more of an adventurous feel but with flashbacks to before the story began showing why the character have good reason to try and escape their former lives. These flashbacks will probably wind up being the darkest part, but the rest is in no way lighthearted, aside from occasional comic relief (who can resist it?). The main character is a somewhat selfish guy, but not in the way you’d expect. Basically he would be willing to let the rest of his race die if it meant he could forever protect his love interest. I plan for him to eventually find a way to do both, for a sacrifice.
Is it okay to have a long title? Like…
The Janitors: Superhumans, Death, Doomsday iPods and Other Teenage Problems
or
The Janitors: Superhumans, Death, Doomsday iPods and Other Teenage Problems – Doomsday iPods
but not
The Janitors: Doomsday iPods
including
The Janitors: Doomsday iPods, Superhumans and Death – Teenage Problems
and
The Janitors Book One: Doomsday iPods at Five Bucks and Your Life
In other words, what do you think?
Hmm…I’m not big on long titles myself, although I adore the phrase Doomsday iPods.
- Wings
Of the ones you have, I think “Superhumans, Death, Doomsday iPods and Other Teenage Problems” is the smoothest. However, I would recommend taking out Death because I think it’s redundant with Doomsday iPods. (By the way, I agree that the phrase “Doomsday iPods” is kickass). I suspect that Superhumans could be replaced by something more descriptive, like one of the superpowers that a main character has.
…
So “The Janitors” is the series name? Based on what little I know so far, one thing that might worry me there is that “The Janitors” doesn’t seem to describe what’s going on very well. (I mean, umm, it doesn’t sound like the same book as “Superhumans, Death, Doomsday iPods and Other Teenage Problems,” for one thing). Getting the series title spot on doesn’t matter as much as the book title, I think, but even so I think this might trip up somebody at a publisher.
Is my title good?
Portentous: The Last Hope
“Portentous: The Last Hope.”
Umm, I have several thoughts here.
My first concern would be whether the reader knows what Portentous means. I’m not sure which definition you’re going for. It has several definitions and I don’t think readers have enough context to know what’s going on. Are we talking about “of momentous significance,” “amazing,” or “self-important or pompous”? Also, what is portentous? I think adding a noun (preferably an unusual noun) would probably help.
Your target audience is something like ~13 year old action fans, right? Will they know what “portentous” means? (In 99%+ of titles, I would HIGHLY recommend sticking to words that the readers either know or can guess in context).
In terms of sound and style, I suspect there are more stylish, rhythmic options than “portentous.” For example, I think “ominous” has more of a connotation of high stakes/danger and probably fits the target audience better. (It’d still need a noun or something else going on, though).
“The Last Hope” sounds pretty generic. It doesn’t differentiate this work from others in its field very much. (For one thing, I think it could be the subtitle for virtually every action novel ever written).
Yeah, well I think I beat the sh*t outta writers block because I finally found out how the three will have an adventure. That portal wall? Yeah that lead to a second moon the Gargans used to get to Earth. So Haden finds it and establishes a Mideval-like empire there. Nora saves Dunimas from getting killed by Exsusia by transporting him to planet Coreus (Which was sort of a one way ticket because she can only teleport once every two hours on Earth. Coreous’s time moves very slowly and one month there equals 1 hour on Earth. Nora takes him there to train him and get him back to Earth in time before the portal closes between the moon.
Dunimas just barely misses it until Dunimas comes up with an idea. He instructs Nora to make as much of a rip as she can even though she’s just teleported him to Earth again. He then runs as fast as he can (Now with super speed) around the world (Which takes about 10 minutes but a lot of Dunimas’s energy) and breaks through the rip and onto the moon. (I’m thinking about Haden naming it Exsusia after his son since Earth is named Haden.) The moon has a strang orbit because rather than traveling around the Equator, it travels around the Prime Meridian by solar powered rockets. (Did I mention it was invisible?) I like this because it gives Dunimas a one way ticket feel and his grandparents don’t look bad for letting their grandchild go around comping in woods. Plus there is an extremely long trail leading directly to the castle with guardians and angry towns people and my favorite…the Xians of the rain… *long evil laughter*
I was thinking about naming it something like
Hybrid: Wasteland
originally but I liked Portentous better…is Hybrid a good title? (Since Dunimas is a cross of 3 species)
“I was thinking about naming it something like Hybrid: Wasteland originally but I liked Portentous better…is Hybrid a good title? (Since Dunimas is a cross of 3 species).”
Some thoughts…
–I don’t think the character’s species makeup is interesting or major enough to make the title. For one thing, the character’s species doesn’t feel like it drives the plot and/or the writing besides explaining how the character gets superpowers. Besides the superpowers, are there any ways in which this character is supposed to feel nonhuman? (For several stories where non-humanness played a major role, I’d recommend looking at District 9, maybe White Fang and Call of the Wild, Stranger in a Strange Land, the Martian Manhunter in Kingdom Come, etc).
–I’m not sure the average young adult will know what a “hybrid” is. If you asked 5 of your classmates, I’d be surprised if any of them came up with something outside of automobiles. (And I’d be impressed if any came up with the biological concept).
–”Hybrid: Wasteland” –> The word “wasteland” suggests that this is a post-apocalyptic story about surviving in a wasteland. While there are some dystopian elements (such as Earth getting a dictator and two continents getting eradicated), what I’ve seen so far is definitely not post-apocalyptic anything. (Some examples include Oblivion Society, The Road, The Last Man, probably On the Beach, etc).
–I don’t think one-word titles are usually effective. I’d recommend expanding the title to 3-7 words and removing the subtitle. I think that will make it easier for you to help readers tell what sort of story it is, what’s going on, etc.
–One recurring issue with “Portentous: The Last Hope” and “Hybrid: Wasteland” is that they throw around adjectives without nouns. I think that makes it harder for readers to figure out what you’re trying to show. (What is supposed to be portentous? What’s the hybrid? Or, if we guess that the hybrid is a character, why should we care about him?)
Um, because he’s the main character! Lol I’m just joking. Anyways I could’ve sworn Protentous meant prophetic…meh…
I was brainstorming during school and I thought of an okay name.
Genocide: The Brave Coward
Genocide because the Xian race was almost wiped out by the Gargans and the Gargan race was wiped out by the Xians.
The Brave Coward because Dunimas is a pretty brave coward-depending on the situation. If danger is obvious (Like when Arre fights Dunimas [It's a long story] then he’ll probably chicken out but if danger is hidden (Like when Ixsas lures Dunimas and Exsusia away from Arre [They know the only thing stopping them from eating the Human race is Dunimas and Exsusia and they know Dunimas will figure out it's a ruse faster than Exsusia. Many of the xians of the rain [man I'm gonna hafta find a shorter name for them because that is a mouthful] at once can take Dunimas [at that part of the story] down as well as Exsusia. Oh man I’m rambling again] ) then he’ll rush in head first.
Oh yeah do you think Arre and Dunimas fighting (Well really Arre [Corrupted by the newly forming Erra] beating the shiz outta Dunimas) is interesting?
What about the titles Freedom of the Void, Fire in the Void, Void Space, or Cosmic Castaways? It’s a series title.
I’m working on a – rewrite actually of an idea I posted here a long time ago – dark modern fantasy about a sorcerer finally being forced to confront his out of control former students. All sorcery is summoning, bargaining, and binding demons. So I call it one of two things in my head. Either ‘Fools Rush In’ or ‘Where Angels Fear to Tread’. I actually like the second one a lot now that I write it out.
How does ‘Where Angels Fear to Tread’ fall on the name grading scale?
I’d lean towards acceptable for Where Angels Fear to Tread and ABF for Fools Rush In.
SO what might you suggest for turning an acceptable name – “Where Angels Fear to Tread” – into an above average name?
I currently have plot ideas for at least the first twelve books in my “Jack of Hearts” series (the series title is a play off of his name “Jonathan Reinhardt” and his nicknames “Jack” and “Hearts” as well as Playing cards and Tarrot cards. i.e. a twisted representation of the Page of Cups is on the back of his leather jacket)
Jack is a modern day wizard working for a PI firm in NYC.
The first six book titles are as follows:
1 ‘Divine Rights’, (this one I am having the most problems with, the main plot in the book is that he is trying to catch a rich guys magic raven while his partner (a demigod) investigates a series of murdered teenages where the bodies are drained of blood (the bad guy is collecting life force in order to ascend to godhood/divinity). other options are things like: Sprinkling Salt on the Raven’s Tail, Reaching Rbove the Sky, and Birds of a Feather) I do not know how to tie the title with the plot.
2 ‘The Secret to Slaying Dragons’, or ‘Nerds hold the Secret to Slaying Dragons’. the main antagonist is a nerdy, awkward guy who knows everything about supernatural society… and has good intentions, he wants to keep dragons alive! and there is a wizard of the council, an old friend of Jack’s, who is trying to take down a cult.
3 ‘The Compas Rose’, this deals with the four most powerful combat wizards on the planet and is set almost entirely in the wizarding community as aposed to NYC in the other books. one of the newly appointed members is kidnapped and the other three noobs have to save her.
4 ‘Make a Wish’, the second most important character to the series, Darcy, a Djinni owned by Jack is stolen and jack goes home for thanksgiving.
5 Wrapped in Wolf Pelt… eh not happy with this one, its about werewolves and Jack finally has a love interest (his high school sweatheart returns after he walked out on her when he was sixteen… which was the morning after they had a good night for the first time)
6 ‘The Problem with Death’… love this one, Death has a problem, so she imploys Jack and the rest of The Fellowship of the White Rose (thats the name of the PI firm) to solve it.
Could I have help with these titles?