Jun 03 2008
Featured Quote: Catastrophe the Problem Gambler
Catastrophe: “I don’t have a gambling problem. I win.”
Jun 03 2008
Catastrophe: “I don’t have a gambling problem. I win.”
Apr 25 2008
Superheroes should never ask “are you thinking what I’m thinking?” The answer is never helpful.
But where could you find that much nitroglycerin at this hour?
–Dr. Darpa
Unless your IQ has tripled since we’ve last spoken, probably not.
You are now.
–Mr. Mental
Don’t flatter yourself.
–Paingod
Apr 25 2008
Science plays heavily in many superhero stories. So, today, instead of coming up with some pithy quote about science, we’ve used others to do so for us.
What is science?
Hocus pocus, but with less hand-waving.
— Agent Orange
Always being within a carton of baking soda of a doomsday device.
— Dr. Darpa
Like Hollywood, except without the beautiful women, oversized budgets and snappy outfits. Actually, it’s not like Hollywood at all, besides the explosions.
–Dr. Savant
A series of triumphs over unpleasant realities.
— Jacob Mallow
Pretty awful. Stick to game theory.
— Catastrophe
Mar 25 2008
“I’m not a poker shark. Did you know that coconuts kill more people than sharks do? I’m like a hurricane of coconuts.”
–Catastrophe
Mar 08 2008
Mar 05 2008
Today, I sought to write a chapter that was interesting but not action-orientated. The resulting work, Gotta Kill ‘Em All!, is tangentially related to the Superhero Nation storyline.
You can download Gotta Kill Em All! here. (It has footnotes, which is why I wasn’t able to post it online like a regular sample of Superhero Nation).
Yours,
J. Mallow
Feb 13 2008
Doctor: Well, I’ve never seen any case remotely as exotic as this one. But it could be worse. Gregor Samsa turned into a cockroach.
Catastrophe: You’re not helping.
Feb 11 2008
Catastrophe: In Texas hold’em, a pocket pair of aces is known by many names, including “the rockets”, “a good time”, and “FINALLY”.
Jan 15 2008
Catastrophe: I need advice.
Bartender: Don’t take vodka as a chaser.
Catastrophe: More, uhh, substantively…
Bartender: Don’t drink and drive.
Catastrophe: …
Catastrophe: I need a new advisor.
Bartender: That’s the spirit.
Dec 31 2007
Mike: You’re positive you’re not an alien?
Catastrophe: Do aliens frequently speak fluent English?
Mike: Decryption programs applied to radio transmissions can do surprising things.
Catastrophe: I was checking football club rankings when you found me. Unless aliens are frequently interested in football…
Mike: You’d be surprised. You follow football?
Catastrophe: Sometimes. There aren’t any good teams around here.
Mike: Name three.
Catastrophe: Good teams? Arsenal, Man U and Newcastle.
Mike: Please. If you ever need to make up sports teams in the future, I recommend going with animal names, not randomly selected adjectives and nouns. “New castle?” “Man you?” That doesn’t even make sense!
Catastrophe: …
Catastrophe: You don’t get out much, do you?
This is the final part of a four part series. You can see part 1 here.
Dec 30 2007
Catastrophe: When I said that I was a cartoon character and not an alien, I meant it.
Mike: A cartoon character?
Catastrophe: Well, a facsimile of a cartoon character. The mutagen is presumably influenced by subconscious mental states like memories and impulses. It was the day of the goddamned Hegemon parade and the effing balloon had come loose and trashed my car. So it was on my mind.
Mike: You expect me to believe—
Catastrophe: —not really, nor do I care. What you believe is completely besides the point. The only thing that matters—the only positive thing, anyway— is that at least it wasn’t Peaceachu.
This is part 3 of a four-part series. You can see part 1 here or part 4 here (after 6 PM US Central on Dec. 31).
Dec 29 2007
Mike: We have a non-optional orientation program for aliens. This is very simple. If anyone asks, say that you’re not an alien.
Catastrophe: I’m a cartoon character.
Mike: That was easy, wasn’t it?
Catastrophe: …
Catastrophe: Wait. There are aliens on Earth?
Mike: Uhh… no?
This is part II of a four part conversation. You can see part 1 here or part 3 here.
Dec 28 2007
Setup: Catastrophe is a statistician that has been transformed by a mutagen into something uncannily similar to a character on a hit cartoon show, Hegemon (“Gotta kill ‘em all!”) Mike heads the Office of Special Investigations’ efforts to conceal extraterrestrial life and mistakenly believes Catastrophe is an alien.
Mike: Hello.
Catastrophe: I’m reading.
Mike: This’ll only take a second.
Catastrophe: Time’s up.
Mike: …
Mike: Let’s say five minutes.
Catastrophe: That’s 30000% of your original request. Is talking with you really more important than the club rankings?
Mike: And considerably less likely to get you pushed down the stairs.
(This is part of a four part series). After 6:00 PM on 12/29, you can read part 2 here.
Dec 24 2007
Dr. Berkeley is a mathematician that Jacob Mallow hires to complete a project that relies heavily on numbers theory. Unfortunately for Berkeley, the project is actually an attempt to build a weapons-grade mutagen. Whoops. Several accidents later, he is mutated into a dead ringer for Katastrophy, the supervillain in a popular Japanese cartoon show. In the aftermath of his mutation, he has to escape capture from his former employer and devise a serum to restore his humanity.
WRITERS’ NOTES
When designing a character, it’s critical that your audience discern key characteristics about each character. Did the quotes help you associate Catastrophe with any particular characteristics? Which ones? Some variation of self-assured, eccentric and calculating probably made your list. Did you get discontented as well?
Nov 21 2007
Bartender: New Hegemon movie’s coming out.
Catastrophe: I heard.
Bartender: …
Bartender: How much do they pay you to wear that?
Catastrophe: Not enough.
Nov 19 2007
r. Berkeley: Something’s wrong with the sunscreen vat. I was wondering if you could explain a few things to me.
Jacob Mallow: Could I discuss this in the lab with you after-hours?
Berkeley: Sure…
That evening…
Berkeley: I’ve been doing some tests on the toxicity of the sunscreen…
Jacob: Those weren’t in your operational area.
Berkeley: The sunscreen would burn clean through flesh!
Jacob: I don’t think you understand how seriously we take our security procedures here, Dr. Berkeley. I see no alternative to summary termination.
Berkeley: You’re firing me?
Jacob pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Berkeley twice, then pushing Berkeley into the vat.
Jacob: Something like that.
END
Aug 23 2007
Inquiring minds want to know: