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ATTN: SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE

It has come to our attention that you have continued to violate our intellectual property rights. Continuing to infringe on copyrighted terms and concepts, including but not limited to the following, will force us to pursue alternate methods of defending our legal rights.

1. “superhero”
2. “superpowers”
3. The concept of superpowered individuals concealing their identities with masks and capes.
4. Accusations of lurid conspiracies by government personnel against the public interest

We eagerly anticipate your cooperation in this matter.

–Wonder Comics

ATTN: WONDER COMICS

It has come to our attention that you are attempting to restrict our linguistic rights for your selfish profit. Please refer your legal staff to the following concepts in US-American jurisprudence.

1. “Common usage”
2. Lawyers/media vs. police/military. Who do you think we have on staff?
3. Billionaire playboys: you’ve either got them or you don’t.

We eagerly anticipate your lawsuit.

–The Social Justice League

Weird post. I was thinking today about what Superhero Nation’s endgame looks like. Have you ever read 300 pages only to find that the last 25 ruined the first 275? (Jacob wisely calls this phenomenon “Matrix Syndrome”). From the writer’s perspective, Matrix Syndrome is particularly tricky because you’ve already written so much, which limits your choice of ending (”sunk costs“). Generally, it’s easiest to write towards an ending rather than end something midstream. Otherwise, writers might lean towards writing a story that consists of one subplot after another rather than one continuous plot.

A related problem is Muppet Syndrome, which is when an author ramps up his story in terms of weirdness or intensity. So, instead of just destroying a Death Star, you’ll destroy a bigger Death Star… with muppets. In superhero stories, Muppet Syndrome usually manifests as a superhero being drawn into increasingly “epic”/bizarre plots.

Let’s look at Spiderman for a second. He’s one of the most normal, down-to-Earth superheroes ever (that’s a huge part of his appeal). But even he’s not immune to jaw-droppingly strange plotlines.

1. He grows 8 arms.
2. His parents were actually CIA agents that got whacked by Red Skull. They must be the worst CIA agents ever, because Red Skull couldn’t even kill Captain America. And the Captain is one of America’s physically and emotionally weakest superheroes. Hell, a US sniper capped him. (Booyah!)
3. His sister is a supervillainess.
4. Peter Parker was actually a clone of the unanimously despised Ben “Reviley” Reilly… until he wasn’t.
5. Dr. Octopus marries Aunt May– I’m not making this up– so that he can steal her deed to a nuclear power plant.
6. The government owns him… 13th amendment be damned!
7. JJ Thompson’s son, an astronaut and a rival for Mary Jane, turns into a werewolf. (Between Thompson Jr, the Fantastic Four and the Green Lantern, it almost makes you wonder what NASA is really up to).

Then there’s intensity. Most stories will naturally ramp up in intensity, which is problematic when heroes do something that’s far beyond their scope. For example, it’s normal and appropriate for Superman, Green Lantern and the Fantastic Four to have adventures in space. If New York’s neighborhood Spiderman did the same, it’d be weird. Hell, Spiderman is local enough that even saving the world is uncharacteristic.

How does this all apply to Superhero Nation?

I’ve written an ending to a story featuring the first three chapters. This allowed me to test some characteristics of the ending. I also tried a different style of writing. The consensus in the class was that it was both easier to understand and faster-paced.

You can download this mini-ending here.

The Kind of, Not Really Ending of Superhero Nation

Note: this is not canonical. I’m experimenting with possible endings to the novel and this is one of them.

This chapter has some graphics that might not fit nicely on your browser. You can pick up the chapter as a Word document here.

Quotes from USMC Drill Instructor Oliver Ryan.

Dammit, maggot, if I wanted your opinion I’d give it to you!

Movies are big on “be yourself.” That’s a bunch of crap! When you’re ready to be more than just yourself, you too might make the Marines.

Goddamn… you’re drinking like someone in a Stanley Kubrick film.

I am not a “drill sergeant”, maggot!

I’m Drill Instructor Ryan. Today might be the longest day of your life… but it’ll probably be the shortest.

You can’t spell party without P-T! [author’s note: PT = physical training]

Exclamation marks make life more interesting!

The International Society of Supervillains has the dirt on “superheroes” that are really tools. Reed Richards, Namor and Superman take the cake.

Agent Orange: I just had a dream that the villain was the sentient White House.

Captain Carnage: You weren’t dreaming.

Agent Orange …

Agent Orange: I’m going back to sleep.

ABC did a story called Why Black Superheroes Succeed– and Fail. That’s interesting for whites writing black characters (or vice versa) or those wondering why some characters are popular and others aren’t.

I think black superheroes tend to fail because they get typecast as persecuted heroes. Even the article confuses two very separate ideas.

1. The article’s first sentence: “Would Spider-Man be the box-office juggernaut he is today if he had been created as an African-American character?” All other things being equal, would a successful hero become unsuccessful if he is made black?
2. The article’s second sentence: “What if Peter Parker had had to deal with the problems of being black in America in addition to adjusting to his powers when he was first introduced in 1962?” Would a successful hero become unsuccessful if white-on-black persecution were inserted into his plotline?

These two questions are very different!

The second implicitly assumes that a black hero has to face white-on-black persecution, which probably makes less sense now than it did in 1962. And, regardless of whether it is plausible that every black is persecuted by whites, persecution stories are usually depressing (particularly when the persecution is based on real-life events, rather than hating mutants or Muggles). Making the hero the victim of persecution changes the tone of the plot far more than just making him black.

Do black heroes have to be persecuted? I don’t think so. Most young people, especially, haven’t lived with the intense and visible racism of the 1960s, but the comics industry doesn’t seem to have caught on to that. Plot elements that were commonplace (or at least plausible) fifty years ago, like racial violence and particularly caustic racist remarks, often seem outlandishly cynical now.

If you do focus on racism, I recommend using elements of racism that are likelier to resonate with your readers circa 2007. People might step away in hallways and elevators or sit at different tables in cafeterias—I think that most readers would agree that’s how racism manifests right now rather than, say, burning crosses and even racial slurs. More provocatively, someone might suggest that a minority has gotten where he is because of affirmative action or that affirmative action hires as a whole are less qualified than other employees. Bank guards might get antsy. Etc. (For some more manifestations of modern racism, please see the footnotes).

The point is that modern racism has become subconscious—I suspect that most racists genuinely believe that they aren’t— and that portraying racism as in-your-face, 1960s slurs will likely feel out of touch and preachy to your readers.

When I watched Crash, I laughed so hard when a car crash caused people to immediately start screaming slurs. Wouldn’t you, uhh, want to get their insurance information first? NO CUZ KKKALIFORNIA IZ RACIST. Crash wants to Make A Point and comes off as totally cartoonish.

Freedom Writers portrays racial balkanization much more plausibly. I wonder how prevalent such racial balkanization is across the country. I’m inclined to say it’s pretty limited, but I live in a very white area so I don’t really know.

If you feel the need to include intense racism in your work—something that will seriously affect the tone and marketability of your piece—Freedom Writers offers a pretty good model. It treats racism more seriously.

1. FW is set in a school district with some really poor areas. Meeting basic, everyday needs is a struggle.
2. Gangs and ghettos form as an attempt to form communities to meet those needs.
3. Intense, Hobbesian struggles and racism arise as the communities clash.

FW suggests that racism arises from economics*. That offers FW’s world a sort of grim, perverse logic. FW’s world is deep—you see where the racism came from and why it is so damn hard to overcome. Readers understand economic motives and how much money matters, especially if you have very little. Readers won’t sympathize with race-based gangs, but they will appreciate that tolerance is a harder choice than they thought. That raises the stakes and makes the heroes larger-than-life.

In Crash, racism just sprouted from nowhere and persists despite economic concerns. Insulting someone rather than getting their insurance information is irrational. Furthermore, the story offers no explanation why the characters would think it’s rational. Why are characters intolerant? Because they’re emotional, maybe. That seems flimsy and unsatisfying. It also gives the story an arbitrary feel– the characters couldn’t overcome racism at the story’s start, so how are they able to at the end? It would feel much more logical if we knew why racism was a problem at the start.

Footnotes

*Although some sociologists do agree with Freedom Writers that racism is primarily rooted in economics, they’re in the minority. But that doesn’t matter– Freedom Writers feels coherent and plausible anyway.  99% of your audience has no idea what most sociologists think, so it’s the feeling that matters.

More modern racism

For the purposes of helping you write, I’ll broadly define racism as anything that might create discomfort or division along racial lines.

1) Affirmative action. I actually already mentioned this before, but I think it’s particularly useful because blacks and whites often strongly disagree not only about AA but about which statements/opinions about AA are socially acceptable. For example, in one class a white student discussing AA made the (not extremely controversial?) assertion that race influences faculty hiring decisions. This offended the black professor, who may have thought that the white was insinuating he was less qualified. The professor asked, “do you think I was hired because I’m black?” The white was taken aback by that point-black, personal question about what he probably perceived to be an impersonal, general statement. He said that he thinks that the professor’s being black was a factor.

As the author, you could paint this a few ways. Maybe the student is wrong to treat the issue impersonally, maybe the professor was being oversensitive, or that there’s just a gap in understanding between the white and the black that doesn’t suggest anything negative about either.

2) Whites saying “sup” to black peers. In terms of awkward hilarity, this is one of my favorites. Whites often feel pressured to act differently with blacks. You might chalk this up to insensitivity and/or oversensitivity. Saying “sup” probably isn’t sinister, but it may create tension because the black knows that the white is acting differently because he’s talking to a black. In a related example (one I can hopefully offer without making a political point), Hillary Clinton once adopted a painfully bad drawl when speaking before a black audience.

3) Subways, trains and buses. I’ve noticed that people (including nonwhites) strongly prefer to sit by people of the same race. Visual media, like comic books, have some fantastic opportunities for some grim humor by showing a black (or white?) sitting alone in a crowded bus like he has leprosy or something. I should add that I’ve never seen anyone change seats to specifically move away from someone of a different race.

4) The assumption that whites and blacks have substantially different skills, traits or tastes. Real life isn’t as bad as The Office, but I think that whites occasionally (implicitly) assume that blacks are hipper or predisposed to stereotypically black forms of entertainment. I was forced to witness a hilarious conversation between a white BET enthusiast and a black that has tastes somewhat more milquetoast than mine. White sups flew.

Journalist: Is it true that the government has systematically tried to conceal the truth so that the American people don’t know how threatened they are?

Mike, the head of the Office of Special Investigation’s RETCON unit:  We usually get accused of playing up the terrorist threat. At least you didn’t throw out the psychic amnesia theory.

Journalist: You didn’t answer my…

Journalist: …

Journalist: What was I saying?

Mike: Damned if I remember.

And you thought “Army of One” was bad…

“We’re not really black-ops assassins or conspiracy bagmen, but encryption and information assurance are sexy too!”– NSA

“Our acronym doesn’t really stand for ‘Systematically Eliminating Troublesome Information.’ Not officially, anyway.” — SETI

Strictly speaking, our mission generally entails tasks like garbage collection/inspection, bomb sweeps and surveillance, but there’s no reason we couldn’t have battle royales in the Oval Office. — Secret Service

“Package delivery anywhere in the world, any time. Special service to China available. What can Blue do for you?” — US Air Force

Striving to keep New York free of supercriminals, starting with the prisons. – NY Department of Corrections

• I thought of a related quote that I didn’t want to list separately. Agent Black: “The only place in NYC that’s free of supercriminals is Rikers.”

“Keeping Florida’s nuclear power plants accident-free for 3 0 days.” — Floridian Energy Commission

“Taking unconventional warfare to the next level.” — USAF-STRATCOM

“Have you ever killed anyone? Do you want to?” – CIA

I’ll recap some of my past observations about cover art.

1. Readers are extraordinarily sensitive to the quality of header art. In my four months running this site, nothing has been as important as my header art in determining how many people bounce from the site. The quality/quantity of my writing only began to influence readers after I added strong cover art.
2. Readers respond better to characters that look like they could be related to. This is somewhat different than the conventional wisdom that “readers respond better to characters that look like them.” Readers reacted reasonably poorly to a draft of the cover art that had Agent Orange, Jacob Mallow and Catastrophe (respectively the dragon, the bleached-out super villain and the Mewtwo parody). Most readers I’ve asked have responded warmly to the addition of Lash and Oliver Ryan. If readers wanted characters that looked like them, presumably white readers wouldn’t respond well to a black character and women wouldn’t respond well to male characters (no on both counts).
3. Nonhuman characters are not received particularly well, though it’s probably worked out better for Superhero Nation than might have been the case. For example, look at the British cover art for Soon I Will Be Invincible below. It focuses on Elphin (the fairy) and Feral (the conspicuously muscular tiger-man thing) at the expense of more relatable heroes, like Corefire and Fatale. I suspect my art makes Agent Orange look somewhat more relatable. His sunglasses, trenchcoat and badge suggest how the reader should interpret him. The only way to be more blatant was to give him an M-16 and a flag. Catastrophe has a labcoat (albeit one cut off by the logo). I don’t think he came off as well, but making a parody of a well-known cartoon character look relatable is damn hard.

Future experimentation on reader reaction to the header art

I can’t access my art materials right now, but I will remove Catastrophe from the header for a month or so.

Here are a few reasons I suspect that will be productive.

1. Nonhuman overload. Reader longevity improved drastically after I added Lash and Ryan to the header art. Removing Catastrophe, at least until I’ve actually written him in, will probably help.
2. Instinctive ripoff concerns. Readers that stay with the story will obviously pick up that he’s a parody of Mewtwo, but at first glance it might look like a poorly done ripoff or, worse, Pokemon fan fiction. *shudder*
3. Header claustrophia. It feels cramped. Removing Catastrophe should make it easier to enjoy.
4. Maybe having five characters feels overwhelming to new readers?
5. Showing Catastrophe in the header before he’s actually in the story seems like cruel teasing.
6. Character confusion. When my caption mentioned that one of the characters is a scientist-turned-hegemon, some readers assumed I meant Jacob Mallow (the only scientist introduced so far). I meant a different scientist, actually. Whoops! The picture heightens the confusion by placing Catastrophe immediately right of Mallow– Westerners naturally associate left-to-right with before-and-after.

After a month, I think I’ll be able to draw some assessments about how Catastrophe contributed to the header art.

Captain Carnage: That’s dumb as asking a hog to hootenanny.

Lash: One, we know you aren’t really Texan. Two, no one has a clue what the hell you’re saying.

Captain Carnage, translating: “That’s as dumb as getting advice on napalm from Joann Fabric.”

I think what America clearly needs is another board game. This is where Hegemonopoly comes in.

Some aspects of the game.

In place of Park Place, we’d have National Missile Defense.  In place of Boardwalk, we’d have Strategic First Strike.  The “Go to Boardwalk” card would be “Accidental nuclear launch on your enemies.  Uhh, whoops.  Go to Strategic First Strike.”

Since the three reds are the most popular squares in the game, they will be perennial victims Manchuria (Kentucky), Poland (Indiana) and the Caucasus (Illinois).  The “Go to Illinois” card would be replaced by Caucasian Invasion.

The two utilities will be replaced by Russia and North Korea.  It seems like all they do is supply (nuclear) power and (heavy) water, anyway.  And they have about as much impact on the game.

Since the three oranges are conspicuously correlated with total annihilation, I’ll go with such tried and true methods of statecraft as Carpet Bombing, Untargeted Assassinations, and Death by Slaughter.  (Yes, you can get there with Go Back 3 Spaces).

St. James, States and Virginia will be Sri Lanka, Pakistan and India. The “Go to St. James” card will be replaced with “You always knew it’d be the little one, didn’t you? Go to Sri Lanka.”

The four railroads would be replaced with the Gulf of Mexico, the Gulf of Guinea, Siberia and the Arabian Peninsula.  The more oil someone acquires, the more dangerous they get.

The School Tax card would be replaced by Second-Rate Brinksmanship: choose a player.  Unless the two of you immediately conduct a land deal, you both lose $150.

In place of Baltic Avenue, we’d have Exploding Sheep.  In place of Mediterranean, we’d have France. (Worth $60? Questionable).

Income Tax would be Contractor Surcharge, but I’d have to make it take more than 10% of your money to maintain plausibility.

Jail would be replaced by UN Conference.  (Somewhere you want to be when the game gets hot, but otherwise a death sentence to the aspiring hegemon).

This article builds on “Why Notre Dame? What’s it like?”

This article will cover some ways for you to distinguish yourself (on the application and otherwise). It also features a way to make your college visit a substantial boost to your application by networking with faculty.

Getting into ND

In the personal statement and essays, it’s usually pretty obvious who wants to go to this university and who just selected it because it was in US News and World Report. That’s probably true to some extent for all universities, so I’d really recommend visiting at least a few of the schools at the top of your list so that you get a better feel for the campuses and cultures.

At Notre Dame, students often try to show that they know the campus by writing an essay that refers to the sense of community and football fever that permeate the campus. These essays frequently refer to Rudy, the quintessential Notre Dame football story. It’s really, really hard to write a Rudy essay that sticks out from all the rest.

I don’t know what your academic interests and future plans are. I certainly wouldn’t want you to write a dishonest essay/statement! But, if your plans might conceivably involve going to a Ph. D. program and eventually becoming a professor, then Notre Dame wants you bad. One of the ways universities compare themselves is how many of their students go on to get Ph. Ds and Notre Dame scores a woeful five percent. Even Northwestern, my most reviled adversary, trounces us.

A good essay usually features you and Notre Dame. You might write an essay saying that you want to become a professor someday (because of whyever that would make sense for you), so you want to go to Notre Dame because it’s the best place to make that happen.

Notre Dame is pushing hard to give students chances to explore their intellectual horizons. These are some of the opportunities available to ND students that you might find it useful to reference in an admissions essay to demonstrate that you’ve actually considered why ND makes sense for you.

Research/creative opportunities

1. The Undergraduate Research Opportunities Program; it awards grants to undergrad students interested in working with a faculty member to conduct research or a creative endeavor together.

   1. For example, I got a UROP grant to write half of Superhero Nation with an English professor that helped me storyboard and edit. And I’m not an English major!

   2. Notre Dame has done a nice job of tailoring these to student interests rather than academic department politics.

2. A political science undergrad co-authored one of my professor’s papers.

3. A horde of political science students have banded together to create their own political research journal, Beyond Politics, to introduce political science research to a much broader campus community. (Good luck, guys!)

4. Grad courses

   1. I’ve heard that it’s generally easy for undergrad upperclassmen to take grad courses in their major. I’m a political science major and I’ve found that it’s really easy to take PS grad courses.

   2. Grad courses are really effing hard.

   3. If you’re interested in grad school, I’d recommend taking at least one, so that you know what the workload will be like. They’re also hugely useful for your applications to grad school. The recommendation letters could also prove extremely useful.
5. Notre Dame lets undergrads take directed readings with professors. That’s an interesting way to pursue a particular interest in a specific field with a professor/advisor.

So that all is one broad strategy—showing that you satisfy what the university wants (students that will go on to get Ph. Ds).

More Application Strategies

By the point in the application cycle you’re probably reading this, a lot of your application is essentially locked into place. You probably already have 4-6 semesters of high school grades and your SAT/ACT scores will probably not rise more than 50-100 points if you take it repeatedly. Your extracurricular achievements will probably not drastically improve—adding a lot of activities junior year usually looks flaky and it is virtually impossible to do anything in a year that would impress college admissions staffers.

So what can you do at this point to make your application stronger, besides rewriting your essays over and over?

Your single best option is a campus visit. It takes you 2-3 school days (or a weekend, but that won’t work as well) and the benefits can be enormous. (I know that many students can’t afford to invest a plane ticket in a prospective school, so I’ll offer some suggestions along the way about how you might be able to replicate many of the benefits of the campus visit with electronic legwork).

The conventional (less effective) approach to a campus visit

1. 1. Do the tour

   2. Visit the most prominent places on campus

   3. Visit the admissions office

   4. Speak with students

That isn’t bad, per se. It’s certainly better than staying at home. But doing the tour and knowing what the stadium looks like probably won’t improve your application much. (If you speak with admissions staffers, they will note that in your file. That suggests commitment, so it certainly won’t hurt).

But I’d feel pretty comfortable predicting that the following approach is likely to substantially increase a marginal student’s competitiveness in the applicant pool at Notre Dame.

Campus visits done right

Prepwork

1. Two weeks in advance, get a course catalog or look online to see which courses will be open during the days you’ll be on campus. (This is one reason that weekend visits are not very productive).

2. Email the professors of all the courses you’re interested in looking at. Something like “Dear Professor X, I’m a prospective Notre Dame student and I’ll be on campus on the 28^th and I was wondering if it would be possible to sit in on your International Security course.”

   1. Some of the professors—probably at least half—will email you back and say that’s OK. Promptly email them back: thank them and ask if there are any recent, small assignments that the class has done. Say that you really, really want to get a feel for what the class is like.

   2. At least one professor will suggest something small like a 1-4 page paper. Look online for what office hours that professor (or professors) has. You will want to meet with him (them) personally during your visit, after attending their class. If they do not have office hours that work for you, try to schedule appointments.

   3. Do the paper(s). Don’t be pretentious and/or reach for a thesaurus. Treat the paper(s) like a high school assignment that is unusually important to your grade. Talking with an English mentor and someone who’s knowledgeable in the course content might be appropriate.

The Visit

1. Forget the tour. Go to as many classes as you can. If there’s any way you feel you can contribute to class, like answering a general question from the teacher, do so. Understandably, you’re at a huge disadvantage because it’s your first time in the class.

2. Turn in your paper(s).

3. Speak with the paper professor(s) after class. Emphasize how much you enjoyed their class (try to mention at least one detail that reinforce how enthusiastic you are) and arrange to meet with them personally by the end of the visit during office hours.

4. See them again in office hours or whenever you scheduled your appointment. Make The Pitch.

The Pitch

1. Ask the professor(s) to write you a super-short letter of recommendation based on your participation in the class and the assignment you’ve written.

   1. “Hi, I’m Brady McKinerney. I’m an applicant to Notre Dame. I really enjoyed your History of Democracy course and I’d love to actually take one of your courses next year. I was wondering if you could write a short letter of recommendation for me.”

2. PROFESSORIAL OBJECTION ONE: “I don’t really know you all that well.”

   1. “I understand completely. I know you’ve only had me in class for a day and only have one assignment from me. But I’d really appreciate if you’d be willing to offer even a qualified assessment of my academic ability—I think that would boost my chances of admissions a lot. I’d be really grateful.”

3. PROFESSORIAL OBJECTION TWO: “I’m not sure I can fit it into my schedule.”

   1. “I certainly wouldn’t want to impose on you. The dedication for applications is in three weeks [or whatever], and I don’t anticipate that it would take more than half an hour of your time.”

   2. Remember to send him a hand-written thank-you card for agreeing to do the recommendation. That will also serve as a subtle reminder in case he had forgotten.

4. PROFESSORIAL OBJECTION THREE: “I’ve never written this kind of recommendation before.”

   1. This is probably more of a matter of comfort than reluctance. He just isn’t used to this kind of recommendation. They’re very rare.

   2. Suggest that his recommendation mention how you two met and how you participated in his class, both by participating and with your paper. Even a mild statement like “his paper was pretty good” will mean a lot because it came from a professor who obviously knows what is expected of Notre Dame students.

   3. Normally, a high school teacher or advisor writes a letter of recommendation that’s about a page long—and you’ve known the teacher for at least a semester. If a ND professor is willing to write even five sentences about how eager you were to participate and how obviously passionate you are, that could be enormously effective. If you are academically competitive, at your best you can outperform the average Notre Dame student in a class he doesn’t care much about.

A note posted on the Office of Special Investigations’ office refrigerator.

At some point in the past six hours, a Gatorade bottle disappeared from this refrigerator. It had blue contents and a label reading “Agent Orange’s: do not take under penalty of death. I MEAN IT.”

I must consult with the unauthorized drinker immediately to discuss his/her/its future with the agency and any appropriate HR paperwork (benefits, next-of-kin notification/estate planning and last rites arrangements).

Possible symptoms include:

• Hemoglobular disassociation (”blood feud”)
• Sore throat and coughing
• Writhing
• Loss of appetite
• Headache, disorientation and/or brain strangulation
• Spontaneous combustion

Thanks!

–OJ

Agent Orange: You find time for congressional hearings, field missions, heading Operations and a dual life as a psychiatrist that somehow isn’t compromised by a high degree of celebrity.

Captain Carnage: Yeah.

Agent Orange: … how is that possible?

Captain Carnage: You’re missing the point. I’m Captain Carnage. Of course it’s possible.

Bartender: New Hegemon movie’s coming out.

Catastrophe: I heard.

Bartender: …

Bartender: How much do they pay you to wear that?

Catastrophe: Not enough.

I recently wrote a scene where Agents Orange and Black discussed how the government might profile the alternate identities of superheroes. Black focused on relationship troubles and Orange goes for characteristics like being close to people that have been kidnapped more than once.

I think I missed two important characteristics: cheerfulness (specifically the lack of it) and extraordinary and seemingly inexplicable job performance.

Job Performance

No matter how “ordinary” superheroes pretend to be, they always end up having spectacularly successful alternate identities. They won’t just be a mild-mannered journalist, they’ll be a Pulitzer-quality mild-mannered journalist. Even freelance photographers, the homeless bums of the media world, will be so eminent that they publically tell their boss they want twice the money. Industrialists will invariably build world-shaping conglomerates. Let’s not even talk about super-scientists. (Well, actually, I will talk about them, in the chapters with Jacob Mallow and Dr. Berkeley).

If I were in charge of the OSI, I’d *definitely* have a watchlist of the 500-1000 most productive and influential members of American society, with a focus on top performers in the scientific, media, academic and business communities. We can rule out the political/governmental/judicial sphere, but definitely not pro bono civil rights attorneys looking to make the world a better place. That’s obviously too many people to run surveillance on, but it should seem highly suspicious if any of these individuals is involved in anything supercrime-related. Who misses one board meeting too many? Who has cranked out one Nobel-worthy advancement after another? Of course, that works for government-friendly scientists as well.. .

The OSI’s WWII-era predecessor did a comically bad job attempting to cover up the species of Dr. Joe “Slizard,” who showed that an atomic bomb was theoretically possible. Of course, in WWII keeping the identities (and species) of your scientists was critical because roughly a third of the nation’s lab assistants were fanatically hardened Nazi assassins. The real Slizard was saved on several occasions because a Nazi threw himself at a paid actor that played Slizard at public functions.

Cheerfulness, a lack of

Ever since the end of the Silver Age of comic books, most superheroes seem to have been pathologically unhappy. This unhappiness often stems from personal tragedy, government/social persecution, or the realization that you’re a tool who only get published to make shots at Vietnam veterans.

On the whole, superheroes often demonstrate a marked inability to cope with loss and trauma without becoming 1) totally withdrawn/asocial 2) pathologically violent 3) internally conflicted. It’s probably a good thing that American servicemen have proven much more resilient than Captain America; beating the Nazis and subsequent foes would have been quite tricky if everyone went to pieces as soon a friend died. NOOOOOO, BUCKY!

Speaking of post-traumatic stress disorder, Andrew Sullivan and Blackfive, the Paratrooper of Love, go at it over how best to help the traumatized deal with PSTD.

In terms of OSI target identification, I think that I’d place a special emphasis on people that are…

1. Cynical– though many heroes try to hide it with quips, pretty much every superhero is cynical and/or grim
2. Unable to find happiness in everyday affairs; perpetually depressed
3. Noticeably asocial– have you seen the latest Batman movie?
4. Short on intimate, deep relationships.

Spiderman is the crucial exception to most of these, but even he can get emo when Venom is involved. This rubs against Rule 27 of Comic Books: He who is the most well-adjusted is the most ass-kickarific, with the corollary “with great power comes great instability.”

But, generally, I think that a psychiatrist would have some success identifying potential targets of concern. Just another reason that the hero-in-hiding should stay away from the counseling services of the Bedlam Clinic.

Superhero Nation specifically

I don’t think that many of my characters are deeply unhappy except perhaps Jacob Mallow. I’m inclined to think that angst and superheroicness are mutually exclusive. And angsty supervillains are damn unsatisfying and lack the charisma to really move the audience and plotline. So even Paingod is pretty optimistic, in a villainously libertarian kind of way.

This Thanksgiving scene is dedicated to a certain police show renowned for its perversely ghoulish characters. And Razorback and other heroes/villains that base their identity on laughably ridiculous animals. (My pig-sense is tingling!)

OSI Caselog 8633: Murder of Max “WARTHOG” Slanty

Relevant background: Warthog was wanted for armed robbery, grand larceny, attempted murder, felony assault and battery and twelve other aggravated crimes committed across New York. He wore a mask, establishing federal jurisdiction pursuant to KKK Act.
Two weeks ago, an unknown terrorist group posted a video of Warthog bound and gagged via Al Jazeera. Relation and motive were then unknown. No Warthog–jihad or Warthog–Mid East or other relevant political/religious connections were then known.

OSI analysis of video led to an investigation into the Greenwood neighborhood. Search by smell identified 1020 Ruedale Avenue as a house of interest. Captain CARNAGE, Agent BLACK, Agent ORANGE dispatched: three PM, last Monday.

ON-SCENE INVESTIGATION

CARNAGE: The front door’s been picked.

ORANGE: The door’s clean.

CARNAGE: People inside?

ORANGE: Possibly. Strong iron residues. Probably not explosives. I suspect… I suspect… never mind.

CARNAGE: Black, you aim right. I’ll take left. On three. One, two, three.

CARNAGE: Clear!

BLACK: Clear!

ORANGE: Carnage, wait. Wait. What do you make of that flag?

CARNAGE: Looks similar to Hezbollah’s with some elements of the Saudi flag. The background is green, maybe it’s an offshoot organization. Definitely the same one as in the video…

ORANGE: Black, could you come here a second? … closer.

ORANGE: (Could you distract Carnage?)

BLACK: (What?)

ORANGE: (Keep him from going downstairs. You too. I’m going down alone– I suspect the situation warrants a nonhuman).

BLACK: (Your call). Hey, Captain. What does the Arabic on the flag say?

CARNAGE: Death to the infidel pigs, soilers of the Proph…

…

ORANGE proceeds downstairs.

(Horrific stench of blood. Scent of one American human in basement–cologne, donut and coffee– and Warthog’s corpse, likely. Much blood).

ORANGE turns around corner.

ORANGE: Hands up. On your head. Now!

ORANGE: Who are you? What the hell are you doing here?

???: John Mershire. I’m with New York Crime Scene Investigations.

ORANGE: … where is your badge? No! Hands back on your head. Tell me where your badge is.

CSI: Right pocket. I can reach…

ORANGE: No. I will. (Badge number subsequently verified– Logistics). Why did you come here?

CSI: There was a sound complaint.

ORANGE: … where have the other police officers gone?

CSI: There haven’t been any other cops yet.

ORANGE: You didn’t call for backup!?

CSI: *he flashes his gun holster.* CSI isn’t helpless, you know.

ORANGE: (I believe that the assessment that he wasn’t really a CSI officer was reasonable at this point; this is too egregious a violation of what I could only imagine to be correct municipal procedure that his story seemed suspect– Orange). You saw the flag. This is obviously a terrorism investigation scene. Did you take any procedures to ensure that the scene was clear of explosives and suspects?

CSI: Relax. This seemed like a cut-and-dry suicide case… and besides, I’ve handled suspects before.

ORANGE: You’re CSI!

CSI: Damn straight.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What have you seen here?

CSI: Well, so I thought it was a suicide, right? Here, follow me.

ORANGE: I’m concerned that walking into that room would scar your mind. It smells unpleasant.

CSI: Relax.
ORANGE: (Your sanity, buddy).

CSI: So, the first thing I noticed about the scene was the body, obviously. One of the details CSI personnel are trained to look for is the position of the head relative to the body. Specifically, in this case the head appears to have been severed from the torso and stuffed with an apple on what looks to be a banquet table.

ORANGE: …

CSI: That was my first indication that it wasn’t a suicide.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Then I noticed that the wall was soaked with his blood, and blood doesn’t normally spray five to six feet from a body. The lightings kind of bad here, but Luminol showed that his blood had been used to scrawl some sort of message. That also suggested that he was killed by someone else.

ORANGE: …

CSI: I also notice that the body has been sliced open and stuffed with, uhh, maybe bread and raisins. Almonds too, I think. Which sucks. It reminds me of the Thanksgiving feast I could be having right now.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Speaking of dead pigs, we’re having a honey-roasted ham tonight. But that got me thinking: if a police officer eats ham, is that cannibalism?

ORANGE: …

CSI: See, a police officer is a “pig” and a ham is also pig.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Agent Orange:  It’s been said that truth is the first casualty of war.  But usually RETCON gets involved after there’s a bodycount.

Dr. Berkeley: Something’s wrong with the sunscreen vat. I was wondering if you could explain a few things to me.

Jacob Mallow: Could I discuss this in the lab with you after-hours?

Berkeley: Sure…

That evening…

Berkeley: I’ve been doing some tests on the toxicity of the sunscreen…

Jacob: Those weren’t in your operational area.

Berkeley: The sunscreen would burn clean through flesh!

Jacob: I don’t think you understand how seriously we take our security procedures here, Dr. Berkeley. I see no alternative to summary termination.

Berkeley: You’re firing me?

Jacob pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Berkeley twice, then pushing Berkeley into the vat.

Jacob: Something like that.

END

[Save the moralizing, please. You couldn’t last five seconds with “Doctor Bark-eley” without wanting to kill him].