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You have 170 days to file your taxes.  Don’t be late!

Art taken from this artist at DA.

One of the signs that your villain doesn’t suck is that he’s interesting enough to handle a scene on his own.  No, we don’t need to hear about his pathetically traumatic family history or the byzantine machinations of his evil organization.  Readers just need some sign that your villain has the competence, style and/or ambition that mark a good villain.

Competence

Your villain should not be out of the hero’s league. In fact, for most of the story, the villain should probably be winning against the hero.  One common misconception is that the hero will seem less impressive or likable if the villain beats him a few times.  No!  A hero that defeats a crazy-competent villain will resonate more.  For example, the only reason anyone remembers Luke Skywalker is because he defeated Darth Vader.

Fortunately, you can make your villain competent fairly easily. When your hero attempts some course of action, take 15-30 minutes to list anything that could go wrong.  Then take another 30 minutes and list anything that your villain could do to make the hero fail even more spectacularly.  Your villain only has to exploit one glaring weakness in the hero’s plan to look competent.  Does the hero’s plan require logistical support from his Batcave?  Whoops. Even if your villain can’t take down the Batcave, he could try something like an EMP or sunspots to interfere with communications signals. Is the hero unable to teleport around town?  Throwing him off with a decoy could buy the villain enough time to carry out his real plan.

Style
Style is harder to pin down than competence, but there are still a few discernable signs of style.  A stylish villain tends to dominate his scenes, even if he doesn’t have many lines.  For example, there were a few scenes in the first season of Heroes that Sylar dominated even though he wasn’t actually present.

One scene that particularly sticks out is when Parkman and his FBI partner were fumbling around one of Sylar’s icy murder-scenes.  First, there’s the horror factor.  Sylar is obviously an extremely depraved killer.  But more importantly, the gruesomeness of the murder is contrasted with the unpleasant truth that the cops really have no idea what’s going on or how to stop it.  Sylar was more of a presence because he was obviously playing out of their league.

Ambition
I recommend giving your villain an overarching and genuinely sinister plan.  If your villain’s plan is only to get revenge against a few people, the stakes of your hero failing will be very low.  For example, the first Spiderman movie dropped the ball on this one.  What would the stakes of Spiderman not fighting the Green Goblin have been?  Pretty much nothing.

This doesn’t mean that the villain’s plan has to endanger the world or universe.  That gets cheesy very fast.  But this goes to competence: a villain that’s only playing for small stakes (like trying to kill a few of the businessmen that sold out OsCorp) probably won’t seem very competent.  For example, Dr. Octopus’ plan was more ambitious even though it was considerably less evil: he wanted to test a crazy-ass scientific theory to redeem himself for killing his wife the first time.  Octopus’ plan had significantly higher stakes for Spiderman because he endangered many more innocent victims.  (Sorry, ruthless businessmen, but readers just don’t care about you).

The Independent reports that Kevin Spacey will be reprising his role as Lex Luthor in the next Superman movie (Hat-tip to io9).  God, I hope not.  He has none of the competence, charm or combat skills a supervillain needs to shine in a movie.  Lex Luthor can’t have an interesting fight. (And no, Superman limping around because of Kryptonite is not interesting).  So casting Luthor as the villain would pretty much guarantee that the movie has at best mediocre action scenes*.  I like Superman saving planes as much as anyone, but no one reads a comic or watches a movie to see the superhero stop a natural disaster.

Virtually nothing in Superman Returns worked.  At the very least, the next Superman movie needs a new cast, new writers and a new villain.  A different mood might help too.  I don’t think that a “darker” Superman will be much better, but it’s hard to imagine that it could get any worse.

*In the cartoons and the comics, Lex Luthor actually gets superpowers, so his fight scenes are interesting, but that’s probably too campy for a movie.

B. MAC ADDS: I walked out after around an hour of Superman Returns.  I can’t remember the last time I walked out on a movie.  Hell, I made it through Superhero Movie.

He had an amusing take on comic book synopses.

This is a useful resource for anyone that might want to destroy the world.

“When you kill one person, it’s a tragedy. When you kill a thousand people, it’s a statistic. When you kill a million people, you’re in.” – The Supervillain Hall of Fame

Agent Orange, paraphrasing Groucho Marx: “Outside of a dragon, a rocket launcher is certainly your best friend. Inside of a dragon, I’d recommend a gun.”

What’s at the top of supervillain to-do lists for 2008? (Hint: not saving money or losing weight). Here’s a sample.

1. [Paingod] Attain absolute power in at least one country. My first act will be to ask Evil Overlord to be my chief of police. If he says no, I’ll kill him. If he says yes, I’ll poison him so that he can live by earning regular doses of the antidote.

2. [Chronic] Develop a time machine and get advanced technologies from a future version of myself. But I know that he will see an opportunity to exploit his foreknowledge and technology by replacing me. So I’ll kill him first.

3. [Gangrene] Surf City’s been a bust. The cop-to-plant ratio is far too high. This year, I have a better idea. I call it Plan Colombia.

4. [The Colombian] Cooperate with Gangrene to develop hardier drug crops. Then I’ll kill him.

5. [Jihad Joe] Anything. I’m still relevant, dammit!

My first act will be to retroactively make my inauguration legal by reducing the age requirement.  I’ve got some ideas what my second act will be, but it will probably be something that I’ll have to disavow.  That’s OK.  The media thinks that there’s some law somewhere that you can’t challenge anything a President does in his first hundred days of office.

This is unfairly hilarious.

I’ve always had great respect for figures like Dr. Doom, Dr. Impossible, Paingod, Lex Luthor and others, though not because of anything they have done. Of course, they haven’t done anything, besides getting repeatedly kicked around the block by their antagonists.  I respect them because it takes a very special sort of person to twirl one’s mustache (metaphorically speaking) and declare that you are finally invincible, just like the last 100 times except that you mean it this time.

Obviously, I am not that sort of person. For one, I don’t have a mustache and have never written quippy threats well.  In fact, I’ve never done any sort of writing well, as you might have surmised from my virtually empty author category. My poor writing skills do not disappoint me; I got a M.S. in biochemistry from an university you’ve probably heard of, and I play the piano, so there. And, most importantly, I’m very inquisitive. For example, I did not passively accept the suggestion from my press consultant that I change “an university” to “a university” or “a M.S.” to “an M.S.” [I'm right on this-- B. Mac]

I’ve always used an before words that start with vowels and a for words that start with consonants. But other project contributors quickly confirmed that “an university” is wrong because “it just feels wrong.”

It just feels wrong.

Which leads me to my mission statement (hopefully you’ll understand the connection I’m attempting to draw). [Actually, I don't. I'd recommend a revision. If you're trying to draw some sort of parallel between the a/an issue and you feeling that some aspect of humanness "just feels wrong" despite what one has been taught to the contrary, please be more explicit.-- B. Mac]

“Supervillains,” “supercriminals,” or whatever else you weaklings want to call us tend to exaggerate our own intelligence. That is a mistake for two reasons.

1. No “supervillain” will be 100% successful. Losing to cretins from South Carolina and Ohio is bad enough, but it will only be more humiliating if you’ve claimed to be a supergenius.
2. If your accomplice claims to be the smartest man in the world, he thinks that he is smarter than you.  Unless you kill him immediately to preempt his eventual betrayal, you have proven him right.  Conversely, if you were to claim that you were the smartest man in the world, it would entice others to kill you.  Who’s smart now?

–Paingod

Which Batman villain is your candidate like?  Find out at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwiXzjVZ-8U .

This article will help you design your superhero’s appearance for a comic book or novel cover-art. No matter what your style is, you can avoid these 9 mistakes that cause a superhero’s appearance to sink the story.

Common Flaws of Superhero Appearances

1. The character’s appearance lacks a distinct theme.
2. The character looks lifeless.
3. He looks unrelatable.
4. His appearance is inconsistent with his personality.
5. His appearance is inconsistent with the story’s mood.
6. His costume is too campy or demeaning.
7. His appearance makes his secret identity implausible.
8. The details of his appearance are inconsistent.
9. He has too many accessories.

Continue Reading »

Grim Trigger 2008!

Dear Jane Doe:

As you know, the nation is facing very, very seriously grave problems. And, as an agent for the Office of Special Investigations, I have handled a lot of serious problems, most of which will be declassified by 2075. But enough about my experience and on to more of the gravely serious problems we face.

Reaffirming the role of puppies in American society

My rivals have remained silent on the critical issue of puppies. Where do my opponents stand on anti-puppy discrimination? What measures have they taken to ensure that puppies can partake of the American dream? What have they done to decry the TSA’s cruel-hearted decision to limit servicepuppy adoption programs to San Antonio and Austin? My opponents have remained silent—but, as your president, you can rest assured that I will be a vocal advocate for puppy rights.

A new era of American diplomacy and multilateralism: Atlantis, meet Mr. Boot

It has come to my attention that a certain “nation” has seen fit to attack the United States once every few years for about the last three decades. We have been told that this is Atlantis’ way of getting a good sense for the leadership of other countries.

Atlantis is no doubt a fine country. I bow to no one in my respect for Atlantis. In fact, I think the United States really needs to get a good sense for its leadership.

This apparently unending cycle of warfare is highly counterproductive. We need to put an end to it once and for all. Additionally, I’d really like to make the US Air Force an integral part of our national security strategy, and not a “chair force” as Marines, soldiers and sailors constantly insinuate. What would the role of an integral Air Force look like? Please see my attached map of Atlantis for more details.

My policies, in brief

1. Environmental reform. Two words: nuclear power.
2. Foreign engagement and a respectful foreign policy. Other countries will respect my leadership because in their hearts, they know I might. Might prove a cooperative and stable negotiating partner, that is!
3. Creating economic opportunities for all Americans. Average Americans suffer because they have less information than large corporations. I vow that my administration will do better to serve every American with available information. For example: sell all Atlantean stock. Atlantean property isn’t looking good either.

Thank you and God bless. I’m Grim Trigger and I approved this message.

–G.T.

Evil-Corp Publishing Presents: So You Want to be a Supervillain!

1. If you ever capture your opponents, kill them immediately. If possible, execute them yourself—leave nothing to chance. “But how will my most hated enemies see my glorious schemes come to fruition?” They won’t—they’ll be dead. That’s the point. Have their descendants serve as slaves and/or witnesses to your undying greatness.
2. As attractive as doomsday devices are, they don’t provide a very credible threat. Would you really destroy the world you live on? Even the UN will laugh at you rather than recognize the magnificence of your doomsday device. For a nominal fee, however, you can buy EvilCorp’s InstaWorld Kit*. Then the only question is this: would you rather have a billion dollars or the chance to get rid of the UN?
3. Villainous devices will work only once. You will only be able to shrink/zap/body-swap with a cabbage/etc. to a hero once. Any subsequent attempt to use the device will end in disaster. If the hero survives the first use, switch to conventional weaponry and ready your escape pods.
4. If any minion suggests any plot that involves monkeys—simian minions, devolution rays, etc.—shoot him immediately and feed him to real minions, like sharks or animated trash compactors. Superheroes still laugh at us because of the “monkey business” of the 1940s-70s.
5. If your villainous speech includes anti-American diatribes– even accurate ones– expect any federal agents to open fire. (So much for “freedom of speech,” right?)

*People not included.

Justice Scalia is… Jack Bauer.

Repeat after me… there’s no time!

My execution has improved somewhat. This time I actually remembered the mana cost and the art looks a bit cleaner than my first two attempts. Art c/o the White House.

Quotes from USMC Drill Instructor Oliver Ryan.

Dammit, maggot, if I wanted your opinion I’d give it to you!

Movies are big on “be yourself.” That’s a bunch of crap! When you’re ready to be more than just yourself, you too might make the Marines.

Goddamn… you’re drinking like someone in a Stanley Kubrick film.

I am not a “drill sergeant”, maggot!

I’m Drill Instructor Ryan. Today might be the longest day of your life… but it’ll probably be the shortest.

You can’t spell party without P-T! [author's note: PT = physical training]

Exclamation marks make life more interesting!

The International Society of Supervillains has the dirt on “superheroes” that are really tools. Reed Richards, Namor and Superman take the cake.