May 29 2008

How to Write Origin Stories

I provide advice about how to write novels, comic books and graphic novels. Most of my content applies to fiction-writing in general, but I also provide articles specifically about superhero stories.

Here are a few tips to help you write better origin stories for characters in superhero novels and comic books.

1. Give us a reason to care. This does not mean that your character has to be similar to your readers. However, if your character is a prince from Atlantis or an alien emissary, you do have to convince us that we should care about his story. Readers tend to prefer stories that feel relatable.  Although you can probably convince readers to look at a book about Atlantis’ court intrigue, it’s more of a struggle than selling a story about Peter Parker, the guy next door.


One way that you could help readers care about a highly exotic character is by giving him a few distinctly human characteristics. For example, even a savage alien warrior might have an affection for his family that seems positively human. For example, I have a picture for you…

This alligator’s smiling hatchling makes him looks very friendly. You might even forget that he’s a 750-pound predator! Does your character have a highly unusual origin story? In what ways will we relate to him?


Finally, it may help to show the character interacting with a familiar human culture. That will help us compare and contrast the foreign culture to our own and we will probably empathize with an alien struggling to fit in. For example, would an alien know how to use a doorknob? A doorknob’s function is not at all intuitive. I think readers would sympathize with anyone who struggled with something like that.


2. Don’t make your hero a Chosen One– give him a chance to prove himself. Characters generally make their strongest impressions on us as they fight through adversity. But if your character was born into a highly powerful caste or inherits some great power, that robs readers of the chance to see him prove himself. How has your character earned his story? For example, the Green Lanterns recruit someone only after they have proven themselves worthy. Likewise, the Amazons choose Diana to be Wonder Woman not because Diana was born a princess, but because she snuck into the Amazonian trials and won the competition. She became Wonder Woman despite her high birth, not because of it.


If you would like a character who has an unusual birth story, I would recommend making him the victim of chance. Instead of being born a prince, make him born into a low caste. Instead of making him an object of unbridled admiration, like Eragon, may he has to overcome widespread doubt and/or contempt.


3. It may be useful to tie your character’s origin story to the villain’s plot. Ideally, your hero will have some link to the villain. At the most cliché level, the villain killed the hero’s family or received his superpowers in the same accident. (Fortunately, you can create more original links in your story).


Spiderman has an origin story that builds a tight plot. Spiderman gets his superpowers through a scientific accident, like his archrival Norman Osborn. The two also share a personal connection through Osborn’s son and, more importantly, they are moral foils. Peter Parker’s morals center on several ideas: “with great power comes great responsibility” and that revenge is rarely satisfying– his attempt to get back at a wrestling boss gets his uncle killed. In contrast, Osborn believes that power and entitlement come hand in hand, which is why he kills his business competitors. Finally, there’s a strong white-collar vs. blue-collar aspect to the fight, which is especially compelling because the series doesn’t romanticize poverty too much.


In contrast, Static Shock’s origin story could contribute more to a coherent story. Although he receives his powers in the same accident as his villains, he doesn’t share many other links with them (personal, ethical or otherwise).


4. Is the character’s background too exceptional? For example, instead of being just a soldier, your character is a Navy SEAL. Instead of being just a government functionary, he’s a cabinet secretary! Instead of being a corporate flunkie, he runs the company… he won a Pulitzer… he’s won several Nobel Prizes, etc.


It’s much harder to write a gripping story about Bruce Wayne (the company’s owner) than Peter Parker (an entry-level nobody). No one’s going to get in Bruce’s face like a supervisor would. Additionally, someone who has truly mastered his sphere, like a Navy SEAL or Nobel-winning chemist, will probably be completely self-confident. Real people sometimes doubt themselves, so they can relate to heroes that have some doubts. (However, for a mainstream story, pushing the self-doubt too hard will drive the story into emo wangst territory).


Alternatively, you might want to use a character who has an impressive but low-ranking background. For example, Army sergeants and stockbrokers are not especially high in their respective organizations but have many useful skills.


5. Give us a chance of a happy ending. If the character’s origin story hinges on an overwhelming tragedy, what’s he fighting for? No matter how many criminals The Punisher executes, it won’t bring back his murdered family. Your ending doesn’t have to be happy, but if readers think that a happy ending isn’t possible, they probably won’t care about the story. Effective tragedies usually generate drama by playing on the readers’ hopes and expectations that the ending will be happy.


If you plan to use a tragic origin story, I’d recommend looking at Spiderman and maybe Spawn. Even though they’ve lost loved ones, these characters still clearly have something to fight for.

999 responses so far

999 Responses to “How to Write Origin Stories”

  1. Necroon 02 Jul 2008 at 9:14 am

    This is very helpful.

  2. Necroon 02 Jul 2008 at 2:34 pm

    What’s a good way to do a good origin for a human character?

  3. Jacobon 07 Jul 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Well, for a beginning author, it will probably be easiest to work with an origin story that is familiar to your readers. For example, Peter Parker, Static Shock and Harry Potter are pretty much in high school at the start of their stories. If you’re working with a story that is more fantastical than those three (for example, one that’s not set on Earth), I think Luke Skywalker has another basic, relatable origin. However, please do not take inspiration from the new series. Destiny and the “chosen one” detract from Luke’s Anakin’s character development…

    [B. Mac adds] Although basic origin stories are more relatable, a novice writer can probably handle a more exotic origin if the story lies in that direction. But you have to ask yourself whether your hero really needs to be an alien prince rather than something more mundane. Even the introduction of something like a magical or psychic hero into an otherwise realistic story will probably make publishers uneasy.

  4. Anonymouson 09 Aug 2008 at 8:50 pm

    …Luke wasn’t the chosen one though. Anakin was 🙂

    This is a very good list. I’m trying to write my first superhero story, and I like the advice this gives.

  5. Armondon 25 Aug 2008 at 9:04 pm

    Ok, I’m writing the character’s origin story… Jamal lives in the inner city of Pacific City. He is struggling through life and he is always in trouble. His parents decide to send him to a government sponsored camp to straighten them out, unaware that a covert section of the government called Project Vector is taking these kids to do genetic engineering experiments. They subject Jamal to gene manipulation and they endow him with the ability to have his body produce a type of biokinetic energy which he can use to fly, shoot energy beams from his hands, a degree of superhuman strength, durability and endurance. They see that he is excelling in his abilities but need better results from the rest of the testees, so they subject them to more gene manipulation and there is an accident and they all acquire super powers, but here is a huge fight and they all escape including Jamal.

    What do you think?

  6. B. Macon 26 Aug 2008 at 6:47 am

    I mostly liked that, Armond, but I have some observations.

    1) In a previous post, you said that Jamal would eventually put his mother in a coma. If he has escaped from a military testing project, it might be a bit harder for him to return home to his mother… wouldn’t Project Vector look for him there? You can get around that in a few ways, though.

    A. Jamal goes into hiding with his mother.
    B. After the huge fight makes the news, the military disbands Vector and Jamal is free to go home.
    C. Jamal does not go home, but manages to recklessly inflict a coma on his mother anyway. For example, let’s say that he’s been living on his own and he robs a bank to help pay for something his mom needs. He intends to drop the bag of cash off at his mother’s house so she will find it. But Project Vector agents were waiting at his house and a fight ensues. In the fight, Jamal accidentally puts his mother into a coma rather than allow himself to be captured.

    2) I like “Project Vector.”

    3) Let’s assume for a moment that Project Vector’s tests go perfectly. What was it planning to do with the kids? Does it just return them to their parents, even though the kids will all report that they’ve been the subjects of illegal and unethical military experiments? Their new superpowers would be indisputable proof. The conventional way to explain this conundrum would be to have Vector plan to kill the kids all along, but the parents would inevitably raise questions about why hundreds of kids died at summer camp. Also, the kill-them-all strategy would make Vector look a bit cartoonishly evil.

  7. Armondon 26 Aug 2008 at 10:36 pm

    I had an idea that Project Vector would be like a black ops military branch and that there was a secret genetic arms race going on between global powers. But since it’s technically illegal and unethical to manipulate genes and DNA on a public basis, they use the delinquent and other so called government camps to collect teens. When the allotted camp time is up, since they have had access to their DNA, the Project sends back clones to the unsuspecting parents all the while keeping the originals as government metahumans.

  8. B. Macon 01 Sep 2008 at 10:08 pm

    Hmm, that’s interesting… remind me never to send MY kids to summer camp, haha.

    If the government is able to clone the kids, one thing you might consider is that the government sends the real kids home and then does the experiments on the clones.

  9. Armondon 02 Sep 2008 at 8:40 pm

    Yea. I thought about that while I was drafting scenes, but I can’t seem to come up with a better solution. Do you have any suggestions?

  10. B. Macon 02 Sep 2008 at 9:46 pm

    Here’s one possibility…

    1) Vector sets up a fake summer camp to do tests so that it can establish a safe and reliable genetics program that it can use on soldiers. Soldiers are far better candidates for the super-soldier program (they’re more restrained, willing, better-trained, and more mission-orientated than a bunch of inner-city kids pretty much stolen off the streets). But the enemy superpowers are getting too close and there’s no time to waste on animal trials, so Vector plans to use inner-city kids that were probably going to end up in prison anyway.

    Vector’s plan was this: test on the kids until the mutagen was safe and reliable. Then it would wipe the kids’ memories, deactivate their superpowers and send them home because they are no longer needed– at that point, Vector would bring in willing soldiers for safe tests and all would be good. But the plan falls apart when something goes wrong and the kids break out. Suddenly there are many superpowered teenagers with behavioral problems running loose.

    At this point, the plot might go in one of the following directions…

    POSSIBILITY 1-A: Vector sends in its own men to attempt to recapture as many of the kids as possible. Depending on how desperate the situation is, you might have Vector use its mutagen on its own people at this point, even though the mutagen is still highly experimental. (You could make one of Vector’s agents into a minor villain this way, but it’s probably too cliche to use for the main villain).

    POSSIBILITY 1-B: Vector gives up on the idea of recapturing the kids and tries to silence as many as possible. The ones that try going to the press die in one accident after another. If one of them is a friend of Jamal’s, that’s something that might compel him to get more involved in the plot.

  11. Armondon 04 Sep 2008 at 6:25 pm

    Can you think of any other scenarios where they try to accelerate testing and cause an accident or one of the kids formulates an escape?

  12. B. Macon 04 Sep 2008 at 7:52 pm

    Hmm, let me try.

    Let’s say that Vector starts out with reasonably ethical plans. Their schedule calls for using mostly test-animals with only supplemental tests on the teenagers. Then a crisis or near-crisis erupts. You mentioned before that Vector was racing against enemy superpowers. Well, the crisis might be that one of the other superpowers makes an enormous and/or horrifying leap in genetic engineering. The Pentagon comes to Project Vector and says that “we expect that the Chinese [or whoever] will have an army of superclones in approximately 18 years*. We need this supersoldier program NOW.”

    That would put a lot of pressure on Project Vector to cut corners with its experimentation schedule. Instead of carefully developing safe tests on mice then working from mice -> monkeys -> teenagers -> soldiers, they might cut straight to teenagers.

    I think that accelerating testing could easily create an interesting moral dilemma with two sets of three-dimensional characters: a government agency pushed to violate its citizens’ rights for (what it sees as) the greater good on one hand, and the kids on the other. One option you have to develop the kids is that delinquent inner-city kids are frequently gang members and they will probably not get along with members of other gangs. So we would expect that at least some of the kids at this camp are going to fight with other kids because of gangs (and maybe racism, if you’re comfortable with that). As the kids realize that they’re being exploited by the camp, I think you have a great opportunity to show the characters gradually overcoming their former animosities amongst themselves to band together and break out.

    As for formulating an escape plan… I would just try to keep in mind that your prisoners are street-savvy teenagers rather than criminal masterminds, so their plan doesn’t have to be extraordinarily technical or brilliant. It could be something as simple as figuring out when there are the fewest guards at the camp and then determining how you could initiate a riot at that time.

    If you’d like to make things more complicated, you might also consider giving the teens an ally at the camp, maybe a guard who feels a bit uneasy about being as strict as his supervisors want him to be. But I would caution that books for younger readers frequently suffer from the “deus ex parentis” problem, which is when an adult swoops in and saves the day. I would make sure that any supportive parents are limited to a minor support-role rather than anything really important.

    *In real-life, cloning does not create a copy with the same age and memories as the original. The clone is actually a new-born, so allowing for a gap between the invention of the cloning process and the eventual arrival of the clones as a militarily significant force is realistic. (If this 18 year gap concerns you for whatever reason, you can use a line or two to explain that the clones are designed to age more rapidly. That has worked quite nicely before).

    Let me know what you think.

  13. Armondon 04 Sep 2008 at 9:15 pm

    You present really interesting ideas and I thank you for them. I think that I have enough information to at least get going. I will let you know how the book goes. Thanks again.

  14. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 02 Oct 2008 at 7:02 pm

    I saw a similar picture to the gator one. It was on “I Can Haz Cheezburger?” There was a tiger cub being hugged by a woman at a zoo, and it had the caption:

    “Your so naice, hoomin. I eets yoo last.”

    I forgot it was going to grow into a huge predator, even when being reminded by the caption! But it was so cute.

  15. B. Macon 02 Oct 2008 at 11:46 pm

    Haha, that’s pretty funny. If you could link to that, I’d really appreciate it.

  16. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 04 Oct 2008 at 12:53 am

    Here’s the picture of the tiger getting a hug:

  17. B. Macon 04 Oct 2008 at 4:34 am

    Hilarious. 🙂

  18. Ragged Boyon 05 Oct 2008 at 1:16 pm

    Aadrello Tegee is a big time graffiti artist dreaming of turning Neocomet City into his personal gallery. Despite his notoriety he is broke and homeless. His immoral dreams are halted when the city and the sector (the cluster of planets it belongs to) are cast into a depression. Thus, the city lost its gleaming, inviting appearance as well as Aadrello’s interest (who wants to ruin something that’s already ruined?)

    He was rollo-blading from the police(as he usually does) when an intricately designed book fell to the ground near him. Thinking it could be worth value he scooped it up and eventually eluded the police(as usual). Later, he skimmed through the book and learned that it was completely blank and that the pages never seemed to end, he thought that it would make an awesome sketchbook. The next day he was about to draw in his new sketchbook, when he opened the book he saw that all his finished works had somehow been copied into the book. Soon after, he realized one of his drawings had been parading around the abandoned house he spent the night in. The drawing explained that the book was called “Animata” and was passed through history to great artists to help them accomplish what they most desired. The Cyborn Moon had been tracking the progress of the book through time in order to destroy it and its user(seeing as it can only be used by a chosen artist). In their attempt at destroying the entire planet, for resources as well as the books’ destruction, they failed to kill Aadrello who escaped thanks to his new ability to animate pictures.

    Just to sum up his origin story, he learns to effectively summon his drawings and creates a costume for himself, he becomes “Sketch.” Alongside his two partners, “Mz. Corpse” and “Emerald,” he fights to defeat the Cyborn Moon and free the Omniverse from oppression and tyranny.

  19. B. Macon 05 Oct 2008 at 8:19 pm

    Is there a question I should respond to here? Or would you just like general impressions?

    The plot seems functional, sort of like Star Wars with an urban twist. I think the names are still a bit extravagant, but you’ve mentioned that those are set in stone, so let’s try to improve what we can. Hmm. When you write your proposal, you should indicate who you think the book will appeal to and why. Give a few reasons to help the businessman reading your proposal understand why your book will be financially successful. Ideally you’ll draw on comparable examples of comic books that have succeeded in the past few years.

    If I were trying to sell your story to a business, I might look at series like Star Wars (10-20 year-olds love sci-fi action), Spiderman (kids love young, poor protagonists) and Green Lantern (your hero and he share vaguely similar powers and both stories are space operas).

  20. Ragged Boyon 06 Oct 2008 at 3:40 pm

    Haha Space Opera, I’m actually pretty glad you like it, I thought you’d be like NO!, THROW IT OUT!! haha

  21. B. Macon 06 Oct 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Publishers will reject the vast majority of stories almost instantaneously (before the reader is done with the first page). I am fairly confident that– assuming you get a good proofreader on board– your piece will survive to page 2. And that, in itself, is a major accomplishment.

  22. Ragged Boyon 07 Oct 2008 at 12:52 pm

    How encouraging, haha.

  23. B. Macon 07 Oct 2008 at 12:55 pm

    A frighteningly large proportion of novel manuscripts get rejected within the first sentence.

  24. Ragged Boyon 07 Oct 2008 at 1:18 pm

    I honestly have no clue as to what to title my book/comic. I don’t want to say something and then have it posted in “Bad Titles, that Can Be Fixed.” Could you suggest something?

    You guys know my story. The Cyborn Moon (or whatever I change the name to) is a galactic superpower that want to destroy any chance of uprising and dominate the universe. Aadrello “Sketch”, Irabella “Mz. Corpse”, and Jornai “Emerald” are the three main characters each strong-willed and young. The story is based on multiple planets, each completely unique in both appearance and government. Along their “path” to get strong enough and defeat the Cyborn Moon, they meet many other heroes as well as minor villians. Once they do finally defeat the Moon other sequential good and bad things will happen, thus continuing the story. At least that’s what I’ve got so far.

    Got any ideas? I’m stumped.

  25. B. Macon 07 Oct 2008 at 5:48 pm

    What do you think about the title “Shooting the Moon” ? It has some rhythm and a sci-fi vibe that I suspect will attract the right readers.

  26. Ragged Boyon 08 Oct 2008 at 10:22 am

    I like it. It also has a “shooting the breeze” rhythm that reminds me of the main character.


  27. B. Macon 23 Oct 2008 at 3:59 am

    Flare Blade, I responded to your question here.

  28. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 5:43 pm

    Ok, I’m still working on the Hellions, but this is another idea for a story, well the character’s origin at least. I got this idea after watching Dr. Strange: Sorcerer Supreme and thinking are there any young, black, and male magic superheroes. None that I can think of.

    Ok, Boy (no name yet) is an inner-city black youth. Just so you know he and Aadrello are very much alike, except he doesn’t do graffiti, he just draws (I like artists). Boy is constantly picked on for him personality and his different style (very white-boyish, I didn’t want a stereotype). He is lower middle class, borderline poor. He thinks very positively and hopes to be great someday and get out of the hood.

    This is the other-side of his origin, the mentor’s side, they will tie together.
    The Whatever Magic Coalition (no name yet) sponsors the search for the next group of great Mystics, to watch over the realms. Hundreds of sorcerers and sorceress, including evil, are to train one pupil into the next greatest sorcerer(ess). It’s become sort of a contest. Weird Wiz (no name yet) is a notoriously eccentric wizard who although is a ditz is extremely powerful. He goes to Blank City or Ville (no name yet) to find his pupil, by randomly searching crowds for youths that he deems fit.

    This is where the stories ties. Boy is at school in his last block class, having finished his work before the others, as usual, he begins to draw on his hand. He draws a series of circles and lines in no definite pattern. He doesn’t think much of it. School is out and Boy rush to someplace to urgently do something (I know, it’s still under heavy construction) while running and not paying attention he crashes into Weird Wiz and they both fall. As boy helps WW to his feet, WW senses the well known incantation drawn on Boy’s hand, Boy just thought it was a drawing. WW only says “I’ll you around, Boy” (but says his real name), freaking Boy out.

    WW later wisps Boy’s astral body to his home in that is between many realms, and offers apprentenship. Before Boy can quickly refuse, WW puts on a flashy show, showing Boy want he could do if he was his apprentice. Boy is amazed and accepts, signing a contract. Boy then wonders why him. WW says because Boy already already knows magic, he is the best pupil (the hand incantation). Boy states that, that was just a random drawing wherein WW bursts into laughter and say “So I poisoned you (the hand grab), to test you and you didn’t even know Ha, I could have killed you”. WW takes it jokingly, but Boy wants to quit, too late he already signed the binding contract.

    The really interesting part is how he has to use his powers but I’ll explain that later. What do you think of this origin, What I hope to accomplish is make becoming and being a mage a structure system with tests and a heirarchy, instead of just you learn magic to a degree and claim the title mage or sorcerer or whatever. Suggestions? Opinions?

    They are for the most part on earth and are human.

  29. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:00 pm

    Look up, It got erased from the recent comments. I will add more serious factors to my story. I don’t want it to fail. I think it’s a fresh idea that COULD work.

  30. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Oops it wasn’t erased. It was camoflauged though.

  31. B. Macyon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:19 pm

    Camouflaged? That’s weird. Hmm. What do you mean by camouflaged?

  32. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:24 pm

    Because the two titles on the recent comments looked similar, I thought they were all “What Origin Stories are Plausible” comments so I put on here and then I saw the difference.

  33. B. Macon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:40 pm

    OK, R.B. I glanced through your story and I think it has very much potential. I suspect that setting it on Earth will help quite a lot. Another factor that I think is a big positive is that the story feels less like a magical superhero story (a la Sailor Moon or American Dragon), but more of a real-world magical fantasy like Harry Potter or So You Want to be a Wizard. The distinction probably feels very minor, and maybe it is, but I think that more publishers and readers will go for the magical fantasy than a magical superhero story. Anyway. Enough hair-splitting from me.

    I think that the aspiring borderline-poor protagonist is very strong and has a lot of dramatic depth. I think that him being black will also help your marketing efforts and may help distinguish the work from books like Harry Potter.

    I like the connection between the boy and the wizard, although it seems maybe a bit contrived that the wizard just happens to run across the boy that just happened to draw a magical incantation. It may be problematic if the boy is chosen because he was born with great magical potential, for chosen one reasons. That’s pretty easily fixable, though. For example, the distinguishing trait of the boy could be that he’s a very quick learner and observant. If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art, I think he might feel a bit less like a chosen one.

    I think the story might benefit from the injection of more competitiveness. For example, perhaps the wizard has selected several pupils and plans to gradually send them home until he’s down to just one. That would give the protagonist many chances to demonstrate his skills against students that are just as interested in becoming the wizard’s one pupil as he is.

    Quoting you… “What I hope to accomplish is to make becoming and being a mage a structured system with tests and a hierarchy, instead of just learning magic to a degree and then claiming the title of mage or sorcerer or whatever. Suggestions? Opinions?” Could you elaborate on that?

    If I understand this right, you essentially want to make magic into an accredentialed guild where your ability to call yourself a mage of rank [whatever] depends on how well you have performed on the guild’s standardized tests. So magic would be less something that you individually could do on your own, and something that was regulated from above? That’d be an interesting twist, I think. The danger is that the hierarchy might get burdensome to explain. I think the later Dragon Knight books spent too long explaining the organization and ranks of wizards…

  34. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:42 pm

    I do realize that if I want an older audience,which I do, I’ll need more serious aspects. I can make the the origins of the search more dark. There have been magical murders or an evil entity is destroying realms and I can make death a more normal story aspect. For example, some competitors might tell their students to kill or be killed to take out the competition. Teen death always make stuff more serious. There can be time when WW and Boy go to magic death scenes and study them. There will also be demons and dark entities so, all in all, I definitely feel this would appeal to older readers.

  35. B. Macon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:47 pm

    I like the idea of giving the wizards some underlying motivation for putting together the search. That will make the stakes higher and give the boy something to do after he wins the competition. (Erm, assuming he does. He doesn’t have to, of course).

    As for darkness, I’d recommend looking into The Dresden Files as an example of a magical story that worked on a very serious, noir level. With demons and mangled victims!

  36. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Yeah, like not anyone can just be a mage you have to be granted the title. I think I could regulate the hierarchy to work and not overload the reader with ranks. You could do it on your own, but you’d probably be doing it wrong. I love the suggestion for a competitive team, it creates alot more drama. I don’t fully understand what you mean when you say “If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art” you mean like he drew a picture of the incantation?

  37. Jacobon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:58 pm

    One of the things I like about this story is that the protagonist seems pretty cheerful and proactive. Even though he operates in a world that will sometimes be dark and horrible (particularly when demons and killer competitors attack), his positivity will help keep the world from feeling overwhelmingly bleak. It will also help keep him likable. Everyone likes a go-getter…

  38. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 6:59 pm

    I’ll have to pick up “The Dresden Files”. And I still have to make him meet the Wiz someone. Maybe after he draws the incantation, he runs away ,and all of a sudden the Wiz is right in front of him and uses a binding spell while talking to his.

  39. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 7:44 pm

    Basically, Boy and his fellow competitiors are known as “Ordained Mystics” for as long as they are contracted, unless they win the competition. Ordained mystics have a limit of their power equal to their ordainer and must use an object as a familiar, they have to channel their magic through a certained predestined object in the beginning of their magic learning. They go through a different exercise every week and someone is eliminated and mind wiped if they don’t meet the standards. I want The Wiz’ team to have odd famaliars seeing as their teacher is eccentric.

  40. B. Macon 05 Nov 2008 at 7:56 pm

    Could I recommend “neophytes” or another single-word in place of ordained mystics?

  41. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 7:59 pm

    Works for me. I looked it up. It works.

  42. Ragged Boyon 05 Nov 2008 at 8:00 pm

    I’ll start coming up with details soon.

  43. Ragged Boyon 06 Nov 2008 at 3:46 pm

    I still don’t understand this exactly “If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art”, you mean he draws a picture of the incantation? or a picture of what the spell conjures? Even so he’ll still have to meet the Wiz somehow.

  44. B. Macon 06 Nov 2008 at 4:02 pm

    I think what I was envisioning was that the wizard is walking from the home of one prospective student to another. At some point, he pulls off to an alley to work a spell by drawing a set of runes. He thinks he’s alone, but the hero somehow watches him (either from around the corner or from across the street).

    A minute later, the boy tries redrawing the runes with his photographic memory or whatever. This alerts the magical authorities because an unauthorized wizard just performed an illegal spell. The authorities call the wizard because they knew the spell was his (perhaps the spell was so eccentric that he was the only one who could have been the spell’s owner). When the wizard realizes what happened, he sees a fantastic opportunity to gain another apprentice for the contest. So he claims that the protagonist was his hero all along so that the police will let him go.

    What do you think?

  45. Ragged Boyon 06 Nov 2008 at 4:24 pm

    Hmm, you just gave me an idea. Earlier you said “That will make the stakes higher and give the boy something to do after he wins the competition. (Erm, assuming he does. He doesn’t have to, of course).” Maybe he shouldn’t win, but at this point he would have a common understanding, so he would still worm his into magic society and “the final battle”. If he lost I would make it so that he still has close connections with his master, so he can still become a “certified” mage and continue his training. I think the twist would be so deliciously juicy, it would throw the reader, who probably thinks he’ll win, off and have them on their toes.

  46. B. Macon 06 Nov 2008 at 5:31 pm

    If I’m following this clearly, two elements of your plot are:

    1. The students are competing to pick a wizard to get trained and beat on some really powerful evil wizard.
    2. The student that wins will go off to fight said wizard.

    Another possibility is that the student loses and he illegally goes off to fight the wizard anyway, without any sort of authority to do so. He might not even have the mentor, but rather a team of students that also failed in the competition. I think that could make sense if the wizard somehow commits some grievance against them over the course of the competition, and it is clear that the person that won the competition is not really the most qualified to face the wizard (because he cheated or whatever).

  47. Ragged Boyon 06 Nov 2008 at 5:59 pm

    The students (plural) that win will fight said evil entity, but each wizard can have only one winning apprentice, who will then go on to compete to be in the small group of final winners. I look your idea for how Adrian (the Boy) gets chosen as an apprentice, I like how the spell is so eccentric that it has to be the wizards. I’m still kind of fuzzy on your idea, there has to be a way for Adrian to continue his training, preferably with his eccentric mentor (of course there would be reasonable space betwwen the characters at this point i.e the wizard is assign to jobs and Adrien does tasks alone).

    You really confused me with this “The students are competing to pick a wizard to get trained and beat on some really powerful evil wizard.” the wizards are picking the student, they train along the process and are ,one my one, eliminated if they don’t have adequate skills. The final three go to the magic society (no name yet) and go into more rigorous training. Two are eliminated leaving one winner per master wizard. The winners go into a tournament to prove themselves, whereafter winning they are part of the mystic group (no name yet), this is (possibly) where I’ll have Adrien fail, but his teacher being a rule-breaker continues to secretly train him instead of mindwiping him and sending him home.

  48. B. Macon 06 Nov 2008 at 9:26 pm

    Quoting your comment at 6:42 pm, you said that “There [may] have been magical murders or an evil entity is destroying realms and I can make death a more normal story aspect.” That’s what I was talking about with the evil wizard.

  49. Ragged Boyon 07 Nov 2008 at 7:34 am

    OOh, blonde moment. I get it now. Okay so now that I have the origin set up, I can start with details I will post accordingly. Teacher alert!!! I’m in class. Talk later haha.

  50. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 14 Nov 2008 at 3:39 am

    I’ve been toying with an idea. What if it was a failure that brought the hero into whatever the heck he ends up doing? I thought of this in class today.

    A boy of fourteen opens his mid year exam results as he walks home from school, sees that he failed (again) and angrily screws the paper up, throwing it down on the ground. Then he realizes that his parents will want to see them, and he’ll be in big trouble if he doesn’t bring them home. A gust of wind picks it up and flings it into the air, and he chases after it. They land in the local park, and when he picks them up he inadvertently pulls on a piece of material that’s partially hidden by grass and dirt. Curious, he pulls harder and finds a rosewood box which has a strap attached. He takes it home. He opens it later and finds a message from (undecided) who want him to (undecided). I think it’s a nice little start.

    This boy is extremely selfish and decides to use this to his advantage. He could do with disappearing for a few days because he thinks his parents may go easier on him. But this adventure is harder than getting top marks in class.

  51. Ragged Boyon 23 Nov 2008 at 6:04 am

    Interesting! Now let me tell you the origin of Ragged Boy. I was just an ordinary black gothic kid, nevertheless, I was relentlessly picked on and beaten up. I tried to be happy, but people kept crushing my little dreams. My parents never loved me they sent me to an asylum for crazies, but I wasn’t crazzy, I was angry.

    I hated them with all my heart and I would make them and everyone else like them pay. I consulted some of my goth friends to help me perform a ritual of death, when I got out of the asylum. I was going to contact death and ask him a favor, I wanted a universal voodoo doll. Everything about the ritual was set up flawlessly, I was going to get what I wanted. Death stood before me, My heart pounded with fear and rage and happiness and a bunch of other emotions. But, It didn’t go how I wanted it, Death taunted saying “How dare a whelp like you summon a great entity”

    “No!” I cried out “I understand my place, I just ask of you a favor of you Dark One”

    “A FAVOR??!! I am Death, I don’t grant favors, You make me look like a fool” with a swing of his sickle, he killed all my friends.

    “Why them?” I yelled

    “If you want me to kill, I’ll need lives as payment, these will do HAHAHAHA” Death said laughing at me “A voodoo doll is what you want?”

    “Yes” I said trembling

    “So be it” Death vanished as the darkness engulfed me. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. A large needle and thread began ripping through my body, blood and flesh fell eveywhere. I passed out from the excrutiating pain. When I woke up I felt different, when I moved pain weaved throughout my body. I pulled myself to a mirror, I screamed at what I saw. Large black threads had been crudely weaved throughout my face and body, my skin looked like raw brown strips straw material. In addition, I had a poorly painted black heat where my heart once was. I understood, Death made me into a voodoo doll.

    After a few days locked in my room, my body became used to the unceasing pain, I could move again at will. I had also developed a few other abilities, I could make the black thread and manipulate them, I could also wish bad luck on people, and turn back to human form at will. After gaining a personal item from my mom and dad, I tested my final ability. Their items melded with me and I had total control over them, I decided to kill them, I plunged a knife into my heart spot and watched them drop in agony. It was fun.

    Death had given me what I wanted, in an odd way, but he had given me what I wanted. It was time for revenge, once I made thos kids at school pay, slowly, I thought I’ve got quite the knack for this. I became Ragged Boy and I would serve under Death, doing hid bidding as well as my own. No one would cross me ever again.

    Yep, that’ s my origin. I’ve taken a break from “business” to have a normal life for a bit.

  52. Ragged Boyon 23 Nov 2008 at 6:59 am

    I posted this in response to TRW. I was bored. This is 90% made up.

  53. Ragged Boyon 23 Nov 2008 at 8:12 am

    Hey, the trio is back!!

  54. Lone Staron 20 Dec 2008 at 6:49 pm

    I have a question; as to whether or not this will work for an origin story. Soo…my character grew up in a very part of his town, lots of gangs and such, and his father died in a gang shootout. So when he’s walking across the street, he almost gets hit by a car, and his powers activate. He leaps out of the way. He’s not very powerful, but he has basic personal gravity powers including leaping and enhanced reflexes, and is very flexible and athletic otherwise. So he uses his powers and becomes an urban superhero. What do you think? Is there a possibility he will be totally screwed against armed gang members? Btw, he also finds his late father’s riot gear and wears a kevlar vest and wields a police tonfa.

  55. Lone Staron 20 Dec 2008 at 6:50 pm

    Slight typo. “my character grew up in a very bad part of town”. My bad, I’m a bit nitpicky.

  56. Ragged Boyon 20 Dec 2008 at 7:12 pm

    I think you would need to go more in-depth as to why he has latent powers in the first place. Is he a metahuman, an alien, or whatever? I think his actual origin story is OK, but you could probably come up with something more high-stakes. Maybe, he was chased to a rooftop by a gang and had to jump from building to building or he’s playing basketball (or whatever) and he jumps super high and dunks the ball.

    I don’t recommend putting his leaping powers under the gravity category, unless it is actual relevant to the story or he gets more gravity-related powers.

    I don’t think he would be that bad against gang members, but giving him a little more of an edge over them my help him. Kevlar and tonfas will help him, but maube martial arts skills or master evasive skills.

    If you really want to go out on a limb, I’d recommend probability manipulation, slight control over good and bad luck in dangerous situations. But, that’s only if you want to.

  57. Lone Staron 20 Dec 2008 at 7:45 pm

    He works out a lot and is naturally flexible, and has some fighting ability. Basically, I didn’t want to make him very powerful at all, and his gravity powers only apply to himself, so that’s why he can manipulate his personal gravity to make longer jumps and can run faster by sort of bounding. He can also extend his gravity powers beyond himself enough to change the direction of a bullet, but this is extremely tiring. Should he have some sort of short-range telekinesis or what? I kind of didn’t want to explain the origins yet…but would it be cliche to have like the gang leader gain superpowers as well? I do need an origin for the powers though, I’ll think on that one. By the way, he’s called “X the Unknown” and wears a green hoodie with an X spray painted white over the chest, and he marks his “territory” by painting an X over the gang’s graffiti. I mean, is that an okay hero concept?

  58. Ragged Boyon 20 Dec 2008 at 8:06 pm

    I think the gravity control would work, I’d recommend giving him a little more leverage in his fatigue parameter. Don’t make it so tiring as he will probably need to
    deflect quite a few bullets.

    I’m glad to here you’re coming up with an origin for his powers, readers would get angry if there was no reason he got powers.

    I like this hero concept, it’s interesting. He seems to have a possible solid goal, cleaning up the streets so that will add to his appeal.

  59. Lone Staron 20 Dec 2008 at 8:21 pm

    Thanks! Nice of you to say. Would it be cliche if a leader of a gang/bully got superpowers and fought him as well? I’m not really sure how I’m gonna go about that.

  60. Ragged Boyon 20 Dec 2008 at 9:30 pm

    It may feel a little contrived. I suggest something that altered the gang and their leader to get powers unless X’s origin doesn’t apply to just him.

  61. Bretton 20 Dec 2008 at 9:36 pm

    Another situation is that the gang leader might deliberately look for a way to gain powers, but that might feel a little odd as your average street thug has zero scientific knowledge. Or your could have the hero do something that gives him his powers or makes him a villain. The + for this is that it lends itself to irony and usually creates cool villains. The Joker and maybe Venom are the only examples that come to mind.

  62. Lone Staron 20 Dec 2008 at 9:44 pm

    Hmm, that would be really neat! Perhaps he replicates this. Maybe, if X gains his powers from an extreme fight-or-flight response (like almost being hit by a car) maybe the gang leader gains his in the middle of a shootout with a rival gang? I’ll think on it. Good idea though.

  63. Ragged Boyon 20 Dec 2008 at 9:48 pm

    So, I’m guessing this must be a race of dormantly enhanced humans whose powers activate in detrimental situations. Clarification is still very necessary.

  64. Bretton 20 Dec 2008 at 9:52 pm

    If this is a superhuman fight-or-flight response, your origin becomes easy to explain as a bonus. You could say that this is potential in all human beings, but is usually only unlocked after years of training (thus explaining martial arts masters like Bruce Li, Jackie Chan, and Chuck Norris). However in some individuals, a surge of hormones breaks the psychological barrier altogether and voila! Superhuman.

  65. Ragged Boyon 20 Dec 2008 at 9:56 pm

    I could have thought of that if I wasn’t so sleepy.

  66. Zeekon 13 Jan 2009 at 6:07 pm

    I love all this advice cause it’s really helping me and my sister with our two series. But that whole “Other than the fact that Static Shock got his powers from the same place is villains and thats the only link he has to them” is wrong. Some of those kids attended his school, like Hot Spot or whatever that guy’s name is.

  67. B. Macon 13 Jan 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Hmm, I don’t know all that much about Static Shock. I’ve only seen a few episodes, maybe 5. Anyway, the impression I got was that the ties between SS and most of the villains are not very strong. In contrast, a few of Spiderman’s villains are quite close to him. For example, Norman Osborne (the Green Goblin) is the father of Peter’s best friend and owns the company that was responsible for the spiderbite. Curt Connors (Lizard) is a friend of Peter’s and is one of his professors. Eddie Brock (Venom) competes with Peter on the job and is sometimes a romantic rival as well. Those sort of personal connections can help tie the hero to what the villain is doing.

    However, I think that this is one area in which comic books and superhero novels are different than cartoon shows. On most cartoon shows, most of the episodes will be standalones, so you just need to introduce a random villain and have the hero save the day within 22 minutes. Personal connections aren’t really important. In contrast, I think that plot coherence (trying to tie all the aspects of the plot as much as possible) is more important in comic books and particularly novels.

  68. B. Macon 13 Jan 2009 at 7:35 pm

    How did I miss this many posts? It seems like there are like 30 comments here that I never got around to responding to. Hmm…

  69. JONGEEon 16 Feb 2009 at 9:38 pm

    What if there were a character from a distant galaxy in a cluster of thousands, previously unknown to humans despite thriving on Earth. He’d have a human-like image to blend in on Earth. With his superior knowledge of other worlds and technical advances… he’d be an escaped slave fugitive escaping his home galaxy, which is ruled by a corrupt king/self-proclaimed god.

  70. Dforceon 16 Feb 2009 at 9:47 pm

    B. Mac,

    Don’t drop the ball! lol


    I’d like to help, but I can’t understand what you’re asking… could you elaborate? Are you asking if this is an OK origin story?

  71. B. Macon 16 Feb 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Jongee, I have a few questions and observations.

    –What are some of the distinguishing personality traits of this character?

    –Do you have any humans lined up for this story yet?

    –If you’re doing a novel, I’m not sure that this plot will stretch out far enough (70,000+ words?). Are you thinking about doing a novel, a comic book script, or something else?

  72. JONGEEon 16 Feb 2009 at 10:15 pm

    creating new story .. all advise and opinions welcome…aspiring writing …

    abilities : superior knowledege of all worlds and technologies..
    faster , stronger , super sensess , ‘

    my vision is all to clear but it preety much that unknownto earth this a galxy out there in the universe conducting life in a star wars type of manner to say .. planets ,, other life froms galatical goverments .. and politcal strife.

    yet for earth .. earth happens to be the maricle planet in the universe at the bary egde of space traped merge between two galaxies .. the milkyway and the sagurtarious dwaft galaxy therefore for eons of space time the planets in our solor system have been cut off . making it the last unknown part of space .. so when he travels here its completly an acciedent a universal discovery a a new world adding him in his escape in a stolen space pod wit a type of gps tracker .. ..which will one day lead his chaser right to him. but he doesnt know when ..
    with earth current technologies he’s trapedd untill albe to fix his ship . .and get of this planet..

    his mission is to get home .. save his people from captivity..
    while traped on earth he adapts to the human race and falls in love to have an earth child dont know yet..?.. i have ideas but know noval experience ..?

    earth was an accident billions of years ago a merger between galaxies of the milkyway and sagutarious drawft brought a mars size planet in conatact with earth.. creating our moon.. in some strang way the actual earth history will be explained by and alien lifform.. from our alaged gods to what wiped out the dinosours ….

    before humans and even when humans existed earth was visited in secrete.. where earthling were thought certain skills and giving certain tools which added our species to evolved so rappidly… yet earth as a planet was never useful our solor system was to unpredictable ., filled with disaters of planetary porportions .. .some where by the end certaint humans on earth will gain gifts of sorts .. and aid the alien in protecting out planet form an envasion … my world in set in the future but we yet discovered the ways of real space travel yet we have put a man on mars …im think 2100s time line the worlds is difrrent from now but our but its clear when it comes to space we have much to learn and fast.. anyone interested or is this un thinkable?

  73. JONGEEon 16 Feb 2009 at 10:23 pm

    Just shooting a few ideas out… This site is good. I’m envisioning a script for film one day. I’m a pretty good artist, but the comic industry seems to have been taken over by Marvel and DC over the past century.

  74. Dforceon 16 Feb 2009 at 11:46 pm

    Dark Horse is pretty popular…

    As far as your ideas go, they seem pretty epic in scale. Perhaps you need to minimize, or focus in one aspect first… then flesh out the history of man and the milky way.

    I’d suggest fleshing out your main character and main villain, and a bit of a backstory (as in why exactly he’s running away).

    Also, like B. Mac said, deciding if this is going to be a comic or a written novel would be pretty important so you could figure out what you are going to be able to do… as in writing, or drawing the scenes. (My preference is comic, well, manga actually, but to each his/her own).

    Again, like B. Mac said, what kind of hero is your main character? Anti-hero (goes by his own rules) or boyscout (tells the truth, never kills, etc.). Is he an intellectual genius or just a mechanic? And how is he going to free his people?

    I ramble… and apparently only quote. (B. Mac, you got a fan here).

  75. Ragged Boyon 17 Feb 2009 at 9:32 am

    I agree, because you have a very complex plot with alot of backstory, tell us a little more about the main character(s). What personality does he have? What makes him stand out?

    Also, I’d be careful about having a race of homo-superiors (better than humans in ever way) they tend to get annoying.

    My brain is off right now, so I’ll try to help a little later.

  76. Ragged Boyon 17 Feb 2009 at 9:37 am

    I wouldn’t say the Marvel and DC have taken over, because if they had there would be no comics. Both of those companies are incredibly difficult to get into. I suspect it would be easier to get into Dark Horse or Image, and then (somehow) move into one of The Big Two.

  77. B. Macon 17 Feb 2009 at 9:56 am

    In 2008, Diamond Comic Distributors reports that Marvel/DC sold 78% of comics sold in North America and took 70% of the total retail value of comics sold.

    That’s a pretty strong market position, but not as dominant as the big two in some other sectors. For example, Internet Explorer and Mozilla have 88% market-share among web-browsers. In 2002, Windows was used as the operating system for 94% of computers. Currently, Windows accounts for about 88% and Apple for another 10%.

    I’m not a huge fan of Marvel or (especially) DC, but it doesn’t surprise me that they sell substantially more comics than anyone else. They have notably high production values and deep rosters of popular characters.

  78. Wadeon 05 Mar 2009 at 1:02 pm

    What about this as an origin story. A meteorite crashes at my character’s school, emitting radiation that causes people to develop abilities.

  79. Dforceon 05 Mar 2009 at 5:09 pm

    Lol. Like Meteor Man? (The movie). I thought that was a pretty cool concept. I’d buy that, but I’m not as picky as some others in this site (not that that’s bad, though; sometimes you want to stay away from the tried).

    In the movie, a meteor crashed onto him and sank into his skin, giving him powers like knowing what’s in a book just by touch, and super-speed, flight, etc…

    If I were you though, I’d wait for advice from the smarter people around here; they usually give more in-depth advice and pretty good suggestions.

  80. Wadeon 05 Mar 2009 at 5:15 pm

    Meteor Man… I’ll have to watch it. It sounds cool.

  81. Dforceon 05 Mar 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Yeah, it’s pretty cool in my opinion. One more tid-bit of info that I liked: He can fly, but is afraid of heights, lol. Though it’s a little comedic, it does get a little dark (what with crime and all).

    Hmm… let’s see if this link will work…

  82. Ragged Boyon 05 Mar 2009 at 5:25 pm

    To be blunt, meteors are kind of corny, at least in my opinion. Its workable no doubt, but it seems as though it would reflect poorly on your stories world. A modern society like ours would easily be able to predict if a meteorite were to strike the earth. They would then take precautions like evacuating people or cutting off the city power supply to avoid overloads.

    I think a meteor shower would be better than a single meteorite. I suspect then you could make the meteors small and minimalize the damage inflicted to the city. Although, they would be small, in abundance, it’s believable that they could produce enough radiation to mutate people.

  83. Dforceon 05 Mar 2009 at 5:39 pm

    I like the meteor shower idea… though it’s not impossible for a single meteorite to get through our “defenses.” If one were to come from the direction of the sun (and not get pulled in by it) we’d by chance miss its presence. Though highly unlikely, it could happen.

    One big worry in the “meteor watch” community is that one could creep in from the sunny-side. Since the Sun wouldn’t reflect light off of it, so that we could see it, it wouldn’t be visible to us. That’s what I believe from what I’ve read and watched; though I could be wrong. Meh.

    Here’s one scenario. A meteor is tracked to swing by the Earth, but in a safe and worry-free orbit. Terrans (my word for Earthlings – Earthlings just sounds weak to me) adjust orbiting satellites to travel out of the meteorite’s way… then through human error, two satellites collide (it has actually happened) and the debris they leave behind knock the meteorite towards the Earth at the last second. It crashes. People get powers. Etc. Just a suggestion.

  84. Holliequon 05 Mar 2009 at 7:41 pm

    Isn’t that a bit over-complicated for an origin story?

    “Radiation from a meteorite [shower] gave them superpowers” vs. “Well, firstly . . .”

    Anyway, I think a meteor has been done a lot (I’m not an expert though), but I think a meteor shower is a nice little twist from that. Nice idea, R.B.

  85. Chi.Rhoon 05 Mar 2009 at 7:44 pm

    If we get ideas from what you other people say, are we allowed to use that or is that considered stealing?

  86. Ragged Boyon 06 Mar 2009 at 8:56 am

    We wouldn’t give you ideas if we didn’t want you to use them. Unless the idea is strictly related to a particular story, I think it is free to use.

    What ideas did you have in mind?

  87. Chi.Rhoon 06 Mar 2009 at 11:19 am

    When I hear stuff, sometimes I get ideas for a way to twist it a little and use it. I like the meteor shower idea, and my mind started rolling. But I don’t wanna be a thief. You feel me?

  88. B. Macon 06 Mar 2009 at 11:54 am

    I don’t think it’d be a problem.

  89. Wadeon 07 Mar 2009 at 6:13 pm

    I was brainstorming and I thought of another origin story. Tell me what you think.

    Emma is having a party at her house that has, surprisingly, been organized by her nasty father. Her father is really using this party as way to test an serum that would allow people to develop abilities.

  90. Holliequon 07 Mar 2009 at 7:27 pm

    Hmm. I wouldn’t recommend going down that angle unless you want to make her father the villain.

  91. Ragged Boyon 07 Mar 2009 at 7:58 pm

    I think it’s an interesting tweak on the mass transformation idea. However, you would need a good reason as to why he would test experimental serums on teenagers, let alone, his own daughter. His reason would have to be deeper than him just being a cold person, you can be cold without being evil.

  92. Wadeon 07 Mar 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Well, I did want her father to be a potential villain. He is a ruthless, domineering, cold-hearted old man.

  93. Chi.Rhoon 07 Mar 2009 at 11:12 pm

    Wade, maybe you could have her father work for the U.S. Gov. Maybe he volunteered to use his daughter and some of her friends to test the prototype drug. Does that make sense?

    I like Emma, though. She is a really cool character. Hey, I was wondering if you are gonna allow her to completely manipulate sound. Such as erasing sound so she can be really stealthy or she can turn up to deliver offensive attacks? Just wondering.

  94. Wadeon 08 Mar 2009 at 10:26 am

    yeah that could work thank you

    well Emma ablilily is going to grow a lot of different ways like you said about the stealth use and i had an idea that she could create thunder send send sound vibration to destroy things she is gong to be able to do alot more than scream loud

  95. Wadeon 12 Mar 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Ok, I have now settled on my origin story. It took a while, but I think it’s good.

    It starts with a wealthy, powerful organization that has existed for decades. Its main objective is to hunt down and exterminate superhumans, people they call naturals. One of these naturals has been hunted for his entire life and has lost much of his sanity. his power is to infuse others with powers, but most of the time this leads to their death (either because the organization kills them or because they simply can’t handle their powers). This Natural then infuses my characters at the school.

  96. Holliequon 12 Mar 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Hmm. I think that has potential, but there are problems. Why do these characters in particular survive? Why are these characters chosen? This could lead to a ‘chosen one’ feel.

    How exactly does the natural give your MCs their powers?

  97. Wadeon 12 Mar 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Well, I was thinking that he gave these teenagers to make a team of artificial naturals to help him combat the organization. He simply found teenagers who he thought showed potential, and focused on teenagers because they are easier to manipulate.

    I need some help on how the natural guy power works.

  98. Ragged Boyon 12 Mar 2009 at 6:05 pm

    I’m guessing you could make your giver’s powers work by:

    Genetic reconstruction as in he can take apart a person’s DNA and fuse their chromosomes with something that works towards whatever their power would be and then puts the DNA back together.


    Gene Awakening, you could say that everyone in your story’s world has a superhuman gene, whether dormant or active. The giver character has the ability to awaken this gene in a person, giving them powers.

    What do you think?

  99. Wadeon 13 Mar 2009 at 5:16 pm

    I like the second one better. Thanks.

  100. Gurion Omegaon 19 Mar 2009 at 4:11 pm

    I’ve lately realized (after reading Ender’s Shadow) that origin stories with protagonists that were originally guinea pigs for genetic experiments are VERY overused, yet VERY effective in some ways.
    If I were to fabricate a character that was the spawn of a mysterious experiment, granting him paranormal abilities (*cough* psychic power), how would I be able to use that, but add uniqueness to it to make it stand out.

  101. Ragged Boyon 19 Mar 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Hmm, that’s a doozy of a question. Maybe if the protagonist knew what the experiment was and volunteered for it, instead of being an unwilling, unsuspecting guinea pig.

    It seems like everything has been done for that field already, you may be able to come up with something new, keep thinking.

    Alternatively, you could try to come up with a completely new origin.

  102. Gurion Omegaon 20 Mar 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Uh, thanks.
    How would I be able to get my own review forum? I have a couple of ideas 4 graphic novels(though they all don’t have the experiment theme) but i need help with the execution. Me and Asaya share an e-mail

  103. B. Macon 20 Mar 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Ok, Gurion Omega. I set it up here. A three minute turnaround may be a new record for us. 😉

  104. Gurion Omegaon 20 Mar 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Great advice! But what if he was altered in utero, as a child?

    Or maybe when they messed around with his genetic structure, they made sure to erase the part in his brain which has memories, so he doesn’t know he had been a guinea pig, he thinks he already was born like that (half the truth).

    (This is another unrelated question)
    It would be a awesome psychological theme if maybe they conducted those experiments because they tried to ‘create’ their own messiah, which would sort of make the reader ask: How far would humankind go to save the world?

  105. Gurion Omegaon 20 Mar 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Also, maybe the tale could be told from the perspective of the chosen one’s shadow, or maybe friend who always had the lousy end of the stick? The chosen one could even get murdered somewhere in the course of the narrative, and he decides that he should try to do what his buddy (he may even begin to resent his bud) failed to do (of course he ain’t a mary sue!)

    He probably wasn’t chosen for the task of universe saving because he didn’t have the persona: He was shrewd, selfish,and screwed up in ethics/morals?

  106. Tomon 20 Mar 2009 at 1:59 pm

    I always thought a ‘save the world’ story told from the perpective of the plucky sidekick would be interesting. It’d be nice to see what Best Friend REALLY thinks of Action Hero once in a while.

  107. Gurion Omegaon 20 Mar 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Thanks. I’ve just got a review forum, from B.mac.

    Uh, disregard the head message that’s there. I wasn’t being very serious when I wrote it, sorry.

    Age Range:13-19

    Some Themes: Coming of age, redemption, destiny, the psychology of being one-of a kind.

    Well, of course any critique is welcome, and in return, I will help give advice to you if you need it.

    I have multiple ideas, and story-lines, which will be updated whenever I get the chance.

  108. Meleeandbrawllordon 27 Mar 2009 at 4:45 am

    I’m creating a superhero series with my friend.
    We have really gotten into the series and we have created a lot of villains and plots.
    It starts off with our young heros (based off my self and my friend and, well, the rest of our friends) discovering we have powers. My friend discovers he can animate drawings first in the middle of an exam. Later the living drawing is sapping him of energy to stay alive and myself and my friend try to find the paper to which we can return the drawing.
    After we did this we walk and talk about powers and (without us knowing) we are watched by an agent from a company called Voytec inductries who specialise in abilities and generaly science fiction phenominone like battlesuits and force fields.
    This is where the first episode, section or issue ends
    After this we test our powers and discover i have powers too (which is the ability of Mass cellular regeneration, never die).
    Long story short i would like some advice on how to improve the origin story!
    thanks for your help

  109. Ragged Boyon 27 Mar 2009 at 5:11 am

    Hmm, I have a few concerns:

    -Firstly, how do you and your friends get powers in the first place. Readers may find it very unsatifying to not know any type of origin for their abilities.

    -Basing characters of yourself and friends can be an issue. Are the characters actually you and your friends? Or just slightly different reflections? Making characters after yourself usually lends itself to Mary Sue-ism.

    “After this we test our powers and discover i have powers too (which is the ability of Mass cellular regeneration, never die).”

    -This could be very problematic. What’s at stake for a character that can’t die? Most people like superheroes because they risk their lives to saves people. Without that risk of death, the fighting seems pointless (“if he gets stabbed in the chest, he’ll just regenerate).

    – I like the power to bring drawings to life. I have a character who can do the same thing. 😉

    ” (without us knowing) we are watched by an agent from a company called Voytec industries”
    -I think you should show this a little, instead of keeping us out of the know. Maybe a shadow here, a passing figure there. That would give you at least a little foreshadowing and add to the suspense.

  110. Ragged Boyon 27 Mar 2009 at 5:32 am

    I read your wiki and Mass Cellular Regeneration seems like it could be a problem.

    It’s too powerful. A person can come back after getting his head cut off is taking it a little far. You could only kill this character in elaborate ways i.e. drowning, explosion, acid bath, although I’m not even sure that would work.

    I’d recommend toning this power down. Right now it’s like a god power and makes the character immortal and that can definitely be a problem. Some regeneration is fine, but right now it’s a little much.

  111. Chi.Rhoon 27 Mar 2009 at 6:08 am

    I think mass cellular generation is cool. Im not tryna disagree with Ragged Boy Im just gonna put my point of view out there. I think it can be similar to invulnerablity. You can set up a few weakness, maybe a certain type of metal or Voytec develops a weapon that works against the healing factor. I dont know but i think sometimes you need characters with godlike powers. That way it allows for you to explore different emotions. Maybe the character is the type who doesnt think about his life and makes rash decisions even though he is a part of team, which puts them in danger. Idk thats how i feel about it.

  112. meleeandbrawlordon 27 Mar 2009 at 10:59 am

    Thanks for the comments. I’ll try and answer each problem or comment one at a time, Ragged Boy.

    The powers are a genetic trait, like on Heroes or Superman’s powers.

    chemicals are released by the brain and the cells absorb them enabling the abilities.
    your right about the mary sue thing (exept like a max sue or something as i am male) i tend to write like this except i go back and change it. And to be honest the wiki i made isn’t that accurate. i tend to rable on. you can check the activating evolution website it has this stuff too.
    basically he can heal from most wounds but some are tough and some are impossible. cuts easy. decapitation, early on it’s impossible but becomes hard. standing at the center of a nuclear explosion, impossible.
    with the agent. at the end, the point of view or focus changes to the agent on the phone saying “i think AA-001 is developing his ability” but longer.

    Well heres the thing. invincibility is a powerful ability, it can be almost god like as its in general better to never age or die than be able to rust objects.
    speaking of which the characters later develop secondary then thirdonary (thats not a word) powers. these third level ones are most powerful. the main chacracter gets the ability to control energy. another character, gravity and myself power absorbtion

    might i also ask? which pages did you check on the wiki?

  113. B. Macon 27 Mar 2009 at 11:12 am

    Hmm. I’m not sure what your plans are for this story, but let’s say that you’re interested in getting it professionally published someday. If I were the publisher’s assistant looking at the story, I would have several concerns.

    –When the characters are based off the author and/or his friends, they tend to be Mary Sues. Unless the story is a memoir, the audience doesn’t want to know what the author would do, they want to know what the characters would do. I would recommend adding distance between you and your friends on one hand and your characters on the other.

    –Ragged Boy didn’t really rip the story to shreds. See this comment for a run-down of some of the reviews I’ve received. If you attempt to go professional, you too will face much worse than what RB has just delivered.

    –Your story would be easier to read if the grammar and punctuation were smoother.

  114. meleeandbrawllordon 27 Mar 2009 at 12:08 pm

    I apologize for the fault in my grammar.
    As i noted before, i do write my character as a mary sue but after i read an article about it i discovered it would be bad. So since then, i have edited the stories afterward so they are not so super-me based. I can also say one character i based on a friend, when i write him, is completely different from his reallife counter part.
    I observed the comments you have recieved, they are harsh.
    Thank you for the comments

  115. darknesslives.on 23 Apr 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Hello everyone. I have recently started creating characters for a story/novel about superheroes. I came across this site, and would like to put some information here to get some feedback.

    The main hero’s name is Shadowblazze. Soul City is the largest city in the world. Not an overwhelmingly crime ridden city by any means.

    It is however an amazingly ambiguous city. Where the good can go bad, and the bad may turn out to be good. Choices are always about, and for Soul City, the choice between good and evil seem to arise. Strange things are known to happen there. Periodically throughout the long history of the city many things have taken place. But well, that is for another story. For now we will focus on one particular incident. 50 years ago in Soul City there was a mysterious string of children being kidnapped. All were five years old at the time. no one knows exactly what happened. Mysteriously after five years all of the missing children were found, more like delivered. Each found in perfect condition near the closest precinct of their original residence. The children appeared to be ok, with no signs of being hurt, but each had a single round scar on their neck. The children had no memory of the years they were gone, in fact their memories stop on the day they were kidnapped, and resumes on the day they were found. The children were reunited with their families and went on to live normal lives. In fact all of them went on to grow and have children. It is not until this generation does anything extraordinary happen.Thirty years after the incident children of soul city began to show unique abilities. Some where captured, some ran away, after seeing what happened to the ones captured, families began hiding their childrens’ abilities. Powers often manifest at a time of emotionally charged events.

    Shadowblazze, real name Khalil Nyte, Is the son of A professional martial artist very driven and focused on being number one. Natrually he passed on his strong work ethic as well as his quest to be the best on to his son. Trained in the deadliest, most effective of martial arts from a young age, shadowblazze is an expert fighter.

    Very mellow even personality, a man of few words, but warrant for his conviction.
    One day when he was 14 Khalil was training alone with his father. In an intense battle he was losing and nearly out of energy. With his father antagonizing him, Khalil became unusually enraged and his power manifested for the first time. A blast of dark energy emitted from his body, sending his father flying across the room. From that day forward Khalil vowed to never lose his temper and become so enraged again.His father taught him never to tell anyone about his power, and to hide it, because he knew what the effects could be. While Shadowblazze never revealed his secret he did, however,always train and hone his abilities in secret.

    At about the age of 18 a many other powered beings began to emerge. Wrongdoers, using their power for personal gain. It was then that khalil assumed the name shadowblazze and began using his abilities to fight the evils of soul city.
    While he was very powerful in general, it wasnt until he met a mentor that he unlocked his true potential. one night after a big battle
    khalil, was wiped out, and surpassed his limits for the first time. It was then that another powerd being named Zenpai found him and took him in.
    Zenpai was about five years older than shadowblazze, and much more experienced. He took shadowblazze in and helped him to master his power,
    and taught him the secret of concentrating his powers at will. Not until his training with Zenpai, did shadowblazze create his two most devestating techniques Midnight sky and Dead zone.

    Well that is pretty much the basic of Soul City and my main hero Shadowblazze. I am still in the works on this project and creating characters and many plot lines. Any feedback would be great. Thanks.

  116. B. Macon 23 Apr 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Hello, Darkness. Here are some thoughts and suggestions.

    –I’d recommend spelling “Shadowblazze” as Shadowblaze.

    –I like the name of Soul City. It’s got an interesting sound combination.

    –I’m not sure I understand how Shadowblazze fits into the backstory. Is he one of the kids that was kidnapped when he was 5?

    –What’s the hook here? Why should a publisher publish this story rather than another superhero story?

    –What’s Khalil’s personality like?

    –What’s the plot like? What is Khalil trying to accomplish?

    –I don’t think being a professional martial artist is a particularly interesting side-job for a superhero.

    –The origin story feels very removed from Khalil. I’d recommend considering an origin story that is tied to the actions of the character. For example, Static Shock had his accident because he was at a gang-fight. Wonder Woman won the Amazon trials because she is an impressive Amazon. Daredevil was hit by a truck full of chemicals because he pushed someone out of the way. In contrast, this origin doesn’t show us as much about Khalil’s choices and capabilities.

    –Would you like a review forum?

  117. darknesslives.on 23 Apr 2009 at 9:10 pm

    To answer what you have written:
    His father is one who was kidnapped at the age of five. And it is the children of those kidnapped who get the powers. The small round mark on the neck is an insinuation of genetic manipulation, that i didn’t go into detail about yet. But this didn’t affect the children, but their offspring, which is how Shadowblaze’s generation gets their power.

    The hook for the story will be this. That one i am attempting to create something different. So as i read this entire site, it seems that all superhero stories will consist of the same things, i.e. day jobs, certain re-occurring powers etc. But what i am trying to accomplish with my story is more with creating a new interesting combination of powers and their use. Also the extreme ambiguity of what it is to be a hero, but also be human, subject to emotion and decisions. This isn’t going to be a standard hero is perfect story. I want it to be very graphic and extremely detailed in the sense of battles, and how a powered being uses their powers in an extremely human way, as well as exploring what a real person does when faced with moral choices. For example, To kill mercilessly a villain or evil being within the universe, or to take them into custody. Both choices have the same result of removing the evil threat, but what you choose to do reveals more of your personality. With that being said, i want to exploit that in some ways killing The enemy could be more human like than throwing them in jail.

    Khalil’s personality is that he has become very mellow. In control type, level and even headed. He is a decision maker. Very strong willed, with a soft side for the subtleties of life. A Very reliable Friend in his normal life. However, he stands to protect, but his justice is unrelenting, and doesn’t hesitate in battle, and defeats his foe’s mercilessly.

    Khalil is not the professional martial artist, his father is, and teaches Khalil the martial arts in extreme fashion. This harsh training from his father is the event that unleashes Shadowblaze’s power, hurting his father. Because of Khalil rage that day nearly killed his father, he vowed never to loose his cool in that manner again, which is why he becomes, a very level headed and in control. He doesn’t allow himself to lose control for fear that he may destroy innocent people. I havn’t made a decision on his day job yet.

    My plot isnt 100 percent made up yet. For that matter neither was this character, but im trying to get pointed in the right direction. Here is what i have so far.
    In the coming years after Khalil realized his powers, slowly but surely stories of other powered beings began to arise. News castings, and amateur video of amazing feats. Khalil instantly recognized that these individuals had powers such as himself. As time went on more and more began to show up. Most were found when they initially awakened. Then the crime began. Powered beings, robbing banks, mugging people, and so forth. By the time Khalil was 18 there was seemingly an outbreak of Powered crime. One night while walking home Khalil saw a woman being attacked. He ran over to help, and noticed that it was a powered being attacking the woman. For the first time outside of concealment, Khalil used his power in a battle with the unknown powered being. Khalil won the battle and decided he would do it again. From then on Khalil would recklessly go out looking to fight other evil powered beings. One night while out thrill seeking he came across a robbery. This would become the toughest battle he encountered to date. Khalil went in to find the family tied up and began a powerful battle with the powered being. Being pushed to his limit Khalil lost his level headed composure and became so enraged that he once again unleashed a powerful force. In this instant Khalil defeated the powered being, but also killed the family he came to protect. Wiped out and unable to move Khalil was saved by a man named Zenpai. Upon recovery, Khalil vowed to always fight and protect the innocent, and never let innocent people die again. It was then that the mysterious Zenpai told Khalil that he could train him and unlock his true potential, and from then forth he took on the Name Shadowblaze.
    That is his basic motivation for fighting.

    The rest of the universe unfolds with Zenpai. Who becomes Shadowblaze’s mentor. Zenpai and four others are the oldest of the powered beings. They are all ranging 28-30 yrs old. Zenpai was an orphan taken in by a man who ran a dojo. The genteman had many orphans with whom he adopted. Within the dojo the children trained and were taught martial arts. It was in this dojo where Zenpai and one other (not yet to be named) Where the top students. Their power were awakened together in a private lesson with the sensei. Upon this happening the sensei secretly trained the two to control their power, the best he could being a non powered individual. It would be this relationship that will spawn the future conflict of powered beings. Together the two dojomates found a way to become more powerful and unlock hidden potential in their powers. It would go on that These two were the only who knew the key to doing this. But in true fashion, one would choose the side of peace and the other for the side of power. It will also turn out that The man taking in the orphans knows more about powered beings than it seems.

    Hopefully that clears some things up for you. It has definetely put some ideas in my head thanks for your feedback.

  118. Meleeandbrawllordon 24 Apr 2009 at 3:54 am

    you’ve got a good story line here! its pretty impressive.
    i’m hoping you’ll explain later who took the 5 year olds and why. i’m kinda curious.
    Secondly, what ever the people who took the children did, how come it only effects there children? not them.

  119. Ragged Boyon 24 Apr 2009 at 8:26 am

    “So, as I read this entire site, it seems that all superhero stories will consist of the same things, i.e. day jobs, certain re-occurring powers, etc.”

    I don’t think you’re giving us enough credit. Some of us do try to come up with superheroes and concepts that are completely fresh. For example, how many superheroes do you know want to be movie-stars or models?

    By the way, Hello Darkness. Nice to meet you. 😀 Here are my concerns:

    -If Khalil is a mellow character that will kill(?) his foes mercilessly, I doubt that will reflect well on his likability.

    – That’s a lot of backstory. How would you go about handling to not make it look like a huge flashback.

    -The origin story feels a little detached from Khalil. How necessary is it that the older generation be the one’s kidnapped and mutated? If it’s not that important, I think you can change it.

    -I like Soul City, too.

  120. darknesslives.on 24 Apr 2009 at 9:33 am

    Hello Ragged boy, nice to meet you as well.

    My comment was not to discredit the site at all. I wasn’t talking about the stories that people have written, i was commenting about what is expected to be in a superhero story. It just seems so formulaic. This is just my opinion in general, that in order to have widespread appeal, that your hero have all of the same finite ideals that you can find in every single story.

    The thing about Khalil is that his mellow in control personality, is his defence mechanism against his amazing power. That being said, as his regular self his personality is such, but as a hero he becomes more ferocious. Using his sense of control and sense of justice, as conviction to carry out his battle and or killings without becoming overwhelmed by emotion, causing his power to become uncontrollable as in times past. The overall feel that i want to come across in Khalil’s personality is that he isn’t a brute by nature, but for the right purposes he does what is necessary to be effective.

    I want the tone of my story to be gritty, edgy, and borderline. In a world where most people are not definitively good or bad, but have to make choices. The same choices that you or i or anyone could be faced with. The purpose is to also explore those regions of ourselves that at times thirsts for chaos, that wishes for revenge, and use that in a context that is not so “right and wrong” based. The characters have the ability to do things that normal people could not do. In certain situations, if we had the ability to do things differently then we would. I wish to exploit that within powered beings who, are in a position to do things differently, because now that they have powers awakened within them, their choices become more of who the really are and what they truly believe. Its easy to be a face in a crowd and blend in with conformity, when you haven’t the power individually to make any change, but what if you had power? What if with your power you felt you could do something different, how would you do it, which ideals in life appeal to you now. That is what i wish to explore, what power manifests within the human heart.

    About the back story, you make a good point. It does seem that there will be a sick flashback. I am working on it. i very well may start the story when Khalil is younger and go from there, instead of having to explain everything. But that is why this site is great because your feedback made me realize that.

    This is also a good point. When wrote that, what i was going for was a bit of mystery about the genetic manipulations. I didn’t make Shadowblaze’s generation subject to the genetics, because i didn’t want to run in to the whole government experiment thing, and then a whole operational thing, i just thought it was overdone, as well as government isn’t my style. The reason i chose the parents is because, the would have been injected to be carriers of the genetic material, that would be passed down to their offspring. Also i didn’t want it to be so easy for people to know the identities of the powered beings. If i would have injected them directly then two things would happen, one it would be easy to trace the powered orogin to the children who were kidnapped. Two it would put a limit on how many powered individuals i could create. By having the offspring of the children get the powers i can create infinite characters and powers at different levels.

    Thanks on Soul City.

    Thank you for the feed back, please keep it coming. As you all give me feedback it helps me tweak my story.

  121. Ragged Boyon 24 Apr 2009 at 9:39 am

    Speaking of origins, here’s The Facade’s:

    First, a bit of backstory: In this alternate reality of Earth everything is pretty much the same. Except the existence of superheroes has affected the history of the world, slightly though. Many people have come to accept costumed vigilantes and villains. The government has made acts and laws accordingly. One branch of superhero-ing is spokeshero, being a sponsored hero for pay. Usually, you don’t actually have to be a hero, you only have to do one heroic deed, but some actually are.

    Jackson Grey in a high-school graduate and aspiring model. He lives on his own in New York and is constantly looking for model castings to find work. He’s taking a year-off from school to “find himself”. Unfortunately, he is unsuccessful in booking jobs. While out for a casting he is spotted by an amatuer designer for Masquerade Fashions. The designer introduced him to the relatively new company and offers him a position- as a spokeshero. They need a spokeshero to spread their name and gain them popularity. Jackson is reluctant at first, he never really got into the whole superhero thing, but he accepts. After all, he only has to do one heroic deed, right. And it would help him find recognition in the industry, right*. The lead designer gives Jackson the first prototype Facade suit. Consisting of only the mask and gloves at first. Upon wearing the costume he has an empowered perception and his gloves give off a negation shock capable of shocking people and stoping bullets via catching them.

    (*A spokeshero must keep their identity secret to the public for safety reasons. However, the sponsor for that hero can disclose this information to other companies, upon the heroes consent. This is how a model can still get recognition and credit as a model)

    He becomes Facade and embarked on a simple crime to stop. He spots a mugging and pursues the criminal who has stolen the bag. However, the criminal leads Facade into a crime den. From there Facade performs a relatively sloppy job (I’ll have to keep this sloppy, but make it as though he proves himself of some level of competentce) of apprehending most of the criminal. However, over the course of doing so he stumbles across something big. Because he made multiple busts on his first night out, he is catapulted to spokeshero stardom. This forces him to continue his work as the Facade, as part of his contract, and unraveling the mystery in question.

    He’ll eventually go on to get the full version of his suit, including his blast boots. He’ll encounter Porcelain, his main competiton/love interest that gives him hell. And eventually they will join forces to stop the Big Bad.

    It still has a lot of holes to work out, but I really like the concept. The main focus of the story is the reluctant romance between the Facade and Porcelain. So I’d, reluctantly, put it in the genre of Superhero Romance.

    What do you think? Particularly, do you see any holes? I’ve seen most of them, but multiple opinions would be very appreciated.

  122. Holliequon 24 Apr 2009 at 10:47 am

    Sharing his identity with other modelling agencies seems like a really big weak point. I hope that comes back to bite him, otherwise it might feel a bit cheap that his identity is so readily available.

  123. B. Macon 24 Apr 2009 at 12:05 pm

    I feel like the story is bending over backwards to include superheroes as models. I mean, it’d be one thing if it were just one model that happened to be a superhero on the side, but it seems like being a superhero/model is part of the modeling business in your world. That seems like a really odd way to run a modeling agency, and I think it would really help if your story presented a reason why the agencies run themselves that way. For example, perhaps the modeling agency is a front for something else, like a team of superheroes or a paranormal investigations agency, etc. Maybe the hero is going undercover as a model to keep another model safe. Etc.

    Also, on an authorial distance note, I am not sure whether readers will be as interested in modeling as you are. That’s one reason I would generally suggest not giving the main character a job you have or want to have. This is a problem I’ve run into repeatedly…

  124. Ragged Boyon 28 Apr 2009 at 8:03 am

    Oh, ok.

  125. Ragged Boyon 30 Apr 2009 at 8:09 am

    I think I may just drop the setting and the idea and use the characters in a different story. Maybe that heist story I was thinking about. I like heist stories.

    Know any heist story books?

  126. Sax Manon 11 May 2009 at 8:12 pm

    This site is a godsend for me in my downtime of ‘authorhood’. I’ve been compelled to write the story playing in my head onto paper and make sense of it for the first time.

    Here’s a summary.

    A Detroit mob is on the brink of something that could be revolutionary. When one of the later plans is in motion, a member is gunned down by the police in front of his nearby team member/friend. Both were meeting at a rendezvous point to hand off the substance stolen from a chem lab. The substance is a hybrid mixture of liquid nitrogen and a super frozen sodium combine that combine into the coldest thing on Earth, which the mob leader needs for reasons revealed later. The police also shoot at the other team member, unknowingly hitting the vial hidden inside his jacket pocket, shattering the liquid compound into his bloodstream.

    As you may have guessed, that gives this man (Kevin Scott) the ability to manipulate ice, but at a cost. His body slowly rejects the compound creating internal hypothermia as long as he is not using his newfound ability.

    Now the question is: to be human or to be alive?

  127. Sax Manon 11 May 2009 at 8:13 pm

    Can I get some feedback on my origin story? I’d really appreciate that.

  128. B. Macon 11 May 2009 at 9:19 pm

    It sounds pretty good, but I’d recommend replacing “Scott” with a last name that sounds less like a first name. I liked the source of his powers, but I don’t feel like I have a good feel for Kevin. What’s his personality like? What’s he trying to accomplish?

    This might just be that I’m a sucker for artsy stuff, but I’m kind of intrigued by the idea that being human and surviving are mutually exclusive for him.

  129. JAMMYJon 16 May 2009 at 3:13 am

    Hey, everyone. I just wanted to know what people think of the superhero I’m creating. He can make a forcefield around his body (like an invisible second skin) that can withstand any force but at a cost of becoming extremely exhausted. He can also shoot his forcefields to do a variety of things from knocking back enemies to devastating small buildings. His forcefields give him superhuman strength. I thought I’d give him a floors, so he has an extremely short temper.

    What do you think?

  130. Sax Manon 16 May 2009 at 9:59 am

    Thanks for the input, B. Mac.

    His personality is more to himself–so much so that I’ve written the story in both first person monologues and the third person tale.

    His parents got in deep with the Brooklyn mob while he was just a child, and didn’t make it to see Kevin’s 12th birthday–if you know what I mean. Because he had nowhere else to turn he joined the group of people that ruined his life, looking for somewhere to fit. They ended up in Detroit because another gang has risen to their level and driven them out of town, Kevin and his group settle in Detroit trying to rebuild the fractured empire.

    Since he does bad things, but at heart is a good person, he constantly talks to himself arguing out why he remains with the Detroit based ‘family’. Even when he gets his power/ability he regrets almost every action/reaction that appears when he tries to do ‘good’.

    What he has planned though, is to find a way back to his hometown of Brooklyn, but understands he must stop the mob that is spreading the idea of a anarchistic revolution for the country in this time of economic distress, because of what he can do–and what he must do.

    The head of the Brooklyn organization is the mysterious Kane, who is a cross between Fight Club’s Brad Pitt and Dark Knight’s Joker, in the personality department. He’ll go to extreme lengths to find the chink in the metaphorical armor.

  131. notsohottopicon 20 May 2009 at 8:42 pm

    I think there’s a lot of potential for Mary Sue angst in origin stories. Then again, the trend nowadays is ‘brooding superhero’. Traumatic events and the glorification of psychopathy.

    Sax Man:

    Your plot does sound quite interesting, but I ask: Have you done research at all on this topic? You know, gang sociology. Delving deeper into initiation rituals, omerta, etc. It would probably sound amateurish if you simply use knowledge from the media or your own preconceptions about gangs and whatnot. Gang life consumes people’s lives, and it is a large part of your main character’s life.

  132. Sax Manon 23 May 2009 at 7:51 pm

    I’ve done some research, but I do like your idea of a better/indepth review of crime life. Also I actually have about a fourth of this story written and his life is already ‘consumed’ by this organized crime—which he tries to separate himself.

    What i am curious of is: Am I able to post large segments of my written marterial on the site for constructive criticism and review?

    If so, how.

  133. Ragged Boyon 24 May 2009 at 12:31 pm

    You can post as much as you’d like. Although, smaller pieces are easier to review and less daunting to those that aren’t as reading enthused. I see you have a forum so you can post there.

  134. Ragged Boyon 24 May 2009 at 9:06 pm

    I think it could make sense that Bori would be inside of her seeing as Bori is a demon and she did go to hell. You could say that when D made the deal to save her soul, as her soul was coming back Bori was the cat demon that got into her. And that can be the origin of her powers. Only later did the actually demon start to manifest itself. Hence, the event with Ros.

    I don’t know if Kim have a strong enough personality to lead a story, especially with her mild retardation. I would prefer to read about her with the speech impediment. With a few tweaks, though, I think it could work.

  135. Ragged Boyon 25 May 2009 at 8:16 am

    If you’re trying to make her a lead character, I’d recommend her loosing the speech impediment. She’d also need to gain at least one strong personality, she’s a good side character, but I don’t know if he personality is strong enough to lead. However, I suspect if you aged her to about 15 or 16, you could fix her speech and have her personality develop more. Right now, she’s just a cutesy kid with a demon in her.

  136. Ragged Boyon 29 May 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Going back to Masquerade. After some thinking, I like your idea of turning the modeling agency into a military section. I’m getting rid of spokesheroes. But I’m keeping superheroes, albeit human ones.

    I’m changing Jackson’s background, he is still an aspiring model, but he’s also a military recruit. He was born into a poor family so the only way he could afford to live in (Whatever) City and pay for college was to join the military. He went through training and is in the reserves (I’ll have to find out if that’s actually possible). And when a R&D branch of the agency hears about his special interests they think he is the perfect candidate for Operation Facade.

    Operation Facade is a plan to field test military equipment deemed safe enough to wear. Because their cover is a modeling agency (or whatever) they have to make the gadgets and costume look stylish. Hence, the stylish hero.

    Porcelain’s company is doing a similar mission. Although, it is unknown where she actually gets her equipment and who she is working for.

    If I ever get to it, I would probably want this to be my first novel. But I could make it work as a comic.

    What do you think?

  137. B. Macon 29 May 2009 at 6:14 pm

    I’m not confident about the military models idea. First, marketing. I think that the readers that are drawn to military action generally want intensely masculine heroes. (Please see GI Joe, Tom Clancy, Captain America, any Chuck Norris movie, Rambo, etc). A dual supermodel-soldier would probably compromise that. No offense to models, but modeling is not typically seen as a really manly field.

    Second, it feels kind of… confused? I’m a bit worried about your statement that “I’ll have to find out if that’s actually possible” because it suggests that you’re taking realism pretty seriously here. However, I feel that this basic concept (the military using supermodels as a cover story) is so far into Zoolander territory that readers can’t take it seriously. In contrast, I think that Miss Congeniality works the government/supermodel angle more plausibly. An FBI agent goes undercover as a Miss America contestant to keep the contestants safe.

    I think that your story needs a better underlying reason for why the military would use supermodels. In Miss Congeniality, the FBI places an agent in the contest because it’s the only way to get someone close enough to keep the girls safe. The pageant organizers don’t want to ruin the show by keeping armed g-men on stage. In your story, I can’t identify any reason why the military would cover up field tests by doing a fake modeling agency.

    Here are a few big, obvious plot holes: 1) field tests have to be done in the field. I don’t know how a supermodel could do field tests. 2) It seems like a convoluted and not particularly effective way to keep the gear secret. Showing fashion photographers your gear before it is widely used doesn’t seem like a good way to keep it secret. 3) The military is very utilitarian and fiercely, fiercely unstylish. In short, I think that military supermodels (like DHS alligators) could only work in a highly eccentric story.

    Here’s a different approach that might work more smoothly. The character is a superspy that is undercover as a supermodel. His police organization specializes in agents that have high-profile cover stories because people would rather blab to a supermodel or a celebrity than a cop. There’s no way Tom Brady is a cop… right? This premise is still pretty wacky, but I think it could work. What do you think?

    Not sure about this as a novel. For one, I think this will be action-centric. As a rule, I think it’s easier to execute action in a comic book than a novel. Also, from what I’ve seen of your writing, I think you’re better at creating and managing short scenes than long ones. However, I’d love you to prove me wrong. If you’d be interested in doing the first chapter, I’d be happy to review it for you.

  138. Ragged Boyon 29 May 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Ok, let’s drop the modeling edge altogether. It’s not working, maybe I’ll try it again down the road. Where else can Masquerade and Porcelain fit? What other types of stories could feature two stylized, gadget-toting heroes?

    I guess I’m a fish out of water (or an alien out of spacecraft) when it comes to more humanistic stories. I guess I’m more suited to working with abstract things like aliens, this is definitely reflected in my art. Whereas, I struggle to grasp the human anatomy is more formal art stlyes.

    “Also, from what I’ve seen of your writing, I think you’re better at creating and managing short scenes than long ones. However, I’d love you to prove me wrong.”

    Don’t worry, I will…someday. Just you wait 😉

  139. B. Macon 29 May 2009 at 8:52 pm

    “What other types of stories could feature two stylized, gadget-toting heroes?” I’m not sure how the stylized fits in there. If it’s just a gadget-toting character that happens to be stylish, I think that has worked out pretty well for James Bond, Batman, Ironman, Totally Spies, etc. In these cases, I think it helps that the stylishness is not a central part of the character or his origin story. James Bond wasn’t selected as 007 because of his stylishness, for example. He’s just a spy that happens to be stylish.

    I get the feeling that you’re looking for a character that has some sort of super-stylishness as one of his central traits, maybe as part of his origin. Well, there was Team America… a national security team enlisted an actor because he was a master of disguise. I think that worked. Acting is definitely stylish, but he was recruited for a clear and logical reason (his disguise skills). In contrast, I don’t think that your concepts so far have presented a compelling reason why they need a character with a really stylish background. If the character is selected, I think the main issue is whether your side-characters are being properly motivated to hire the kind of character you want them to.

  140. Ragged Boyon 30 May 2009 at 6:03 am

    “I get the feeling that you’re looking for a character that has some sort of super-stylishness as one of his central traits.

    No, I wouldn’t say it would be the central point. But it’d be part of the persona. But is it really that bad for a superhero to be stylish? Maybe they could fit in to a futurisic setting like the Batman Beyond one.

  141. Ragged Boyon 30 May 2009 at 6:13 am

    I’ll work with Masquerase later. I’m not giving up on the concept. Now I need to switch back into Showtime Mode and start planning these issues.

  142. B. Macon 30 May 2009 at 7:21 am

    That sounds good. Let me know if you need any help.

  143. Chevalieron 16 Jun 2009 at 11:12 am

    How do yo feel about legacy characters? Ash is an Assistant District Attorney who’s dedicated to the law, (think Atticus Finch), but he is also the heir to a vigilante legacy dating back to the American Old West. All the men in his family have donned the same persona to fight crime (think The Phantom). Ash is a man torn between his legal ideals and his familial duty.

  144. B. Macon 16 Jun 2009 at 1:05 pm

    I can think of a few reasons readers might prefer a hero making his own superhero concept, but the conflict between his legal ideas and family duty sounds promising.

  145. Anonymouson 26 Jun 2009 at 5:27 pm

    I’m writing this story in my spare time about this teenager (like eighteen or nineteen) who has been given her powers when she was around eleven and taken to her father’s work, a power plant. He dealt with chemicals and was wary about taking her there, but her begging just got to him.
    When there an unexpected eplosion happened and he had died from it. She on the other hand had gained her powers which she didn’t know how to use (I’m still picking out the powers).
    She finds out that her father’s death was not an accident but someone had planned it. She is devastated that she can’t do anything to avenge it because she doesn’t know how to use her powers.

    Is that too… I don’t know cliche?
    Is it good ?

  146. B. Macon 26 Jun 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Here are some thoughts and suggestions.

    –It’s ok, but it lacks pizazz. In particular, I think that the main character could be a bit more distinctive. What’s her personality like?

    –I think that the eight year gap between the father getting killed and the “present” of the story makes the plot less gripping and urgent. I’d recommend having her go to her father’s workplace and developing her powers at the age of 18.

  147. BrainStormeron 29 Jul 2009 at 7:24 am

    This article was really useful. Butt how can I do the origin story for an evil organization?

    PS: Although they don’t possess superpowers, they control the world.

    Any help would be great.

  148. Garyon 29 Jul 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Be specific about the chemicals she was exposed to.
    Research various chemical compounds ,
    maybe you can find some with unique properties that you could add to her super powers.
    Maybe there are experimental chemicals being developed that might have interesting effects on the body and mind.

  149. NewAgeZombion 07 Oct 2009 at 4:15 pm

    “One example where the origin story leads to a random, jumbled story is Static Shock. Although he receives his powers in the same accident as his villains, he doesn’t share any other links with them (personal, ethical or otherwise).” I object to this statement: You simply must consider the Static-Hotstreak relationship, though, admittedly, Hotstreak isn’t exactly a major villian. And I don’t have anything else productive to add to the thread.

  150. ShardReaperon 07 Oct 2009 at 7:31 pm

    The only link that he shares with the villains is that they all became the way they were by Alva. I’d say Hotstreak is a major one, though not as major as Ebon. It did seem like he was going to redeem himself at the end, but then he and Ebon became that monster-thing. I would’ve liked to see what they had planning for future seasons/episodes.

  151. Anonymouson 08 Oct 2009 at 6:28 am

    With most of the villains, that would be accurate, but Virgil knew Hotstreak and had problems with him before either of them were metahumans. At least, that’s how it is on TV. The comics may differ.

  152. B. Macon 08 Oct 2009 at 3:28 pm

    I think it’s like that in the comics, too.

  153. ShardReaperon 08 Oct 2009 at 3:43 pm

    I’m not even sure if Hotstreak’s in the comics.

  154. B. Macon 08 Oct 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Hmm. According to Hot Streak’s Wikipedia entry, he’s the first villain in the comic book, too. I can’t remember.

  155. The Chozenon 10 Nov 2009 at 8:45 pm

    To B. Mac

    I like your site and I was starting to write about new comic book characters that I just made up, if you have the time can you tell me what you think about them. The name of the group is called Enigma, and I only have Michael Powers almost completed.


    Michael Powers codename: DNA

    Personality-serious, paranoid, conflicted, conscientious, reserved, insecure, disorganized

    Powers-Healing, Hyper Senses, Bio-vampire, Biokinesis (his mind over your body), X-Ray Vision

    Backstory- The story starts off with Michael Powers waking up from a coma. The reason why he was in the coma in the first place is because he accidently killed his mother and father during his fourteenth birthday party along with all his friends and their parents. The shock of seeing his parents melt away and only their clothes remain was too much for him to handle, so he went into a coma. Somehow he knew that he had caused their death. He had been in the coma for seven hours when he woke up. Michael starts walking around the hospital not being noticed until he interrupts an operation of a man who just died in the operating room, by putting his hands on him and bringing the man back to life. This both surprises and scares the doctors and nurses, which seem to not know what to do. One of the doctors picks up a phone and calls security while another tries to restraint Michael. While Michael was trying to free himself from the one doctor, two security guards came running into the room. Both security guards grabbed Michael while the doctor who had called them was moving toward Michael with a shot. That is when it happened again, all of a sudden everybody in the room started melting away, within five seconds there was nothing left but their clothes. All the people were gone, even the man that Michael just brought back to life. So Michael started running, and ran out the hospital and kept running, knowing that somebody would be looking for him for what he did. After two hours of running Michael came to a cemertary where he stayed the night, some/how he felt at home in that place. (What Michael Powers does not know is that he is the offspring of an alien and a human.)

    Fallen Angel:

    Personality- spiritual, over-idealistic, sheltered, conflicted, Does not understand humans, thief, untactful

    Powers-Wings, Soul Sword, Spirit Form, Book of Life

    Backstory-Fallen Angel is an angel that questions God’s motives and ways who gets thrown out of Heaven, but not before he steals the Book Of Life( the one that God is surpose to use to judge mankind with.) This sats in motion the forces of Heaven and the forces of Hell both trying to get the Book Of Life.

    Nakita Brood codename: Wildcard

    Personality- creative, dutiful, reckless, slutty, eccentric, impulsive, moody

    Powers-Teleportation (Space), Temporal manipulation, Danger Sense

    Backstory-A refugee in a war torn afican nation whose powers suddenly activate when her life is threaten. When her powers activated a group of men had just killed her father and mother and were going to rape her.

    Lisa Myers codename: Biosphere

    Personality- enlightened, self-centered, driven, elegant, eccentric, combative, arrogant

    Powers-Formchanger (Fire, Water, Earth, Ice, Wind), Gravity

    Backstory-Lisa Myers is a girl who goes to sleep and dreams that Mother Nature gave her an amlet, then wakes up to find the amlet embelded in her throat and that she can’t get it out without killing herself. Lisa also finds out that she is driven to insane levels to destroy anything that produces large amouts of pollution. And the air and water pollution makes her sick, because she is magically tied to the planet.

    Kevin Becker codename: Interface

    Personality- sophisticated, unstable, self-appointed, not human, analytical, dangerous, unprincipled, sel-fish

    Powers-Cyber Powers, Shape-changer, Nano-Tech abilities, Magnetic abilities, Electrical abilities, Weapons Creation

    Backstory-Kevin Becker is a normal teenager out with his girlfriend at the local park at night. There is only one old man in the park with them who is reading a paper under a street lamp. Suddenly a large glowing object falls from the sky and cras
    hed into the park between where he and his girlfriend and the old man is sitting. His girlfriend starts running away, just as Kevin starts to turn and run away to the old man grabs his chest and falls to the ground begging Kevin to help him. For a minute kevin is torn between going over and helping the man, or turning and running away because he knows that the large object wasn’t from Earth. It was a hard decision but Kevin decided to help the man. While Kevin was going over to help the man, something hit Kevin and knocked him out. The next thing Kevin knew he saw, no more like felt a bright light start out small but keep on getting slowly bigger, also he started hearing voices like his body was in a dream state, and his mind wasn’t quite working right. It took him a long time but he finally realized that the voices he heard were people working on him. He keep asking himself why are people working on me?(Unknown to Kevin Becker he was not at a hospital but a secret military base being looked at and inspected by top people in their feilds because alien Nano-Tech had merved with him at the molecule level. And nothing like this has every happen like this before on the planet, so the defense department wanted to know how and why it happened.)

  156. PaintedSainton 18 Nov 2009 at 11:33 pm


    Maybe it was District 9 that ruined this for me, but I find the alien+human affair rather…disturbing? Considering that the evolution on a different planet would cause their aliens to evolve characteristics possibly unpleasant to the human’s viewpoint, but functional. Superman has the incredible odds of one in gazillion of actually turning out as a an attractive human. Also, if the alien in the equation is not as human-looking, it can come across as bestiality, depending if the human is the superior or inferior species. Yeah, I’m making a big deal about this.

    It’s very thoughtful of you to give each and everyone of these characters specific personalities and backgrounds, but there are a few other things that are bothering me. It’s difficult to try to write the opposite gender, so input from the people around you might be great. I’m pointing this out as a female:Brood’s parents killed and she was almost raped…where did the sluttiness come out of? I understand that different people react with denial and acceptance differently, but you’re writing rape here as a plot device, it doesn’t sympathize well. It’s like, “Oh yeah, I got raped. Moving on…”. Rape is traumatizing, I’m not asking you to write to appeal to a previously raped audience, but don’t pass this off so easily to write an angsty past. Really. Generally, people previously raped get very defensive when people suddenly invade their personal space, they often mistaken affection for ulterior motives, view normally innocent relationships as pedophilic or disturbing. Who gets over it so easily, even with therapy?

    Questions open to everyone:

    1.Despite how sad this question would be on a topic such as this, how neccesary is an origin story? Comparing that kitty from Bolt(her name escapes me), and Timothy Mouse from Dumbo, for example. The kitty, even as one of the main characters, the audience is forced into a default origin story(declawed). Timothy Mouse, also one of the main characters in his movie, still serves as a charming character, without origin story. How can I tell the difference that a character must absolutely need a backstory at all?

    2. Maybe it’s the anti-hero trend of the 90’s recurring again, but every main character nowadays must ABSOLUTELY have a traumatizing back story. I have 3 main characters, but the focus rests mainly on the female character of the trio. I understand an explanation or backstory is necessary to explain how she got a human body(a parasite took on a female human identity after invading into her host’s brain). However, how necessary is it to explain the other character’s origin stories? One male character was ‘harvested’ by selective breeding of specific genetic traits(considered the norm to him, but especially not to the reader), and the other I explained as an experiment(can mentally set off bombs and keep them at various places inside his body). But on this character, I just didn’t plan on explaining if his family died or not, how he got enrolled into the experiment, what he did in all those years inside the facility…would it seem unbalanced to the reader if one of the main characters doesn’t get his own trauma story?

  157. B. Macon 19 Nov 2009 at 6:39 am

    “How can I tell the difference that a character must absolutely need a backstory at all?” I don’t think anyone absolutely needs a backstory.

    I would recommend giving the character a backstory if there’s something really unusual that we couldn’t just infer. For example, if you’re using a mass origin story like mutants, we can infer that someone doing mysterious things is a mutant with a particular power. If you HAVEN’T introduced us yet to superpowers, we can’t just guess at where they came from. So we will probably be a bit disoriented when that fantastic element emerges. An origin story helps us make sense of these fantasy elements in a story that’s trying not to feel like a fantasy.

    Also, I think the element of importance matters. If you’re dealing with a big superhero team and want to try individual origins (which will be quite difficult), you can probably gloss over the origins for the more minor characters but you’d probably want to put more time into the 1-3 most important characters.

    Finally, I think that giving a villain an origin is generally less important, particularly if he’s not one of the POVs. If he has powers far beyond the ordinary for this story (like a person shooting fireballs in a story that’s otherwise like James Bond) you can give him an origin with a few well-placed lines. He was involved in pyrokinetic experiments in the military or something.

  158. The Chozenon 19 Nov 2009 at 6:55 pm

    To Painted Staint and B Mac:

    Thanks for all of your advice it was very helpful, and got me thinking. First I am going to drop the rape part of Naketa Brood’s story because as a male I would have trouble writing about a female character who was raped. Also I decided to write Enigma as five completely different short stories about five completely different people instead of trying to bring them all together as one group. Here is a rewrite of Naketa Brood.

    To anyone else, if you have the time can you read my rewritten characters and tell me what you think, all comments goood or bad are welcome. Thank you.

    Naketa Brood codename: Wildcard

    Personality- creative, dutiful, impulsive, moody, loyal

    Powers-Teleportation (Space/Time), Temporal manipulation, Danger Sense


    He grabbed my shoulders and made me look into his eyes.

    “Naketa, look at me, and listen carefully.”

    We were both breathing heavily, from running so fast.

    “You have to go back. ”

    He paused. “I made a lot of mistake-”

    I had to interrupt. “No Ash, WE.”

    “Alright, WE made a lot of mistakes. Starting around five years ago, when we got in the middle of this mess. Sometimes lies feel better than the truth. And that’s what you have to do, you have to go back, and make sure we stay ignorant. You’ll remember everything that has happened, so you’ll know exactly how to fix it. You can live a peaceful future, and forget this time, which will become only a memory.”

    It was all happening so fast, I didn’t understand what he was getting at.



    He cradled my head in his hands.

    “You are going back. And you’re going to change this awful future. Just promise me one thing, don’t forget me, and the few things we did together.”

    He looked on the verge of tears, and I felt I should be, but I was almost too sad to cry. He turned to leave, but then came back.

    “There’s one mistake I made, that I’d never want to erase.”

    Very quickly, I was in his arms, and his lips were firmly pressed to mine. It had started a very suddenly, a very full kiss. And it only continued to become more so as I felt his tongue enter my mouth. I then realized exactly what I was doing, I had my arms around his neck, and one hand was drifting up into his black hair. My lips were moving just as frantically around his, filled with the equal passion, and hope, that just maybe our problems could be forgotten and we could continue as people were meant to live. His arms pulled me closer, melding my body into his. I tried to hold on as he pulled his lips off mine, but he still held me fast against him, and I didn’t want him to let go.

    “I fell in love with you.” he said.

    I just held onto him tighter, he knew my reply, he knew I felt the same way. And we both knew there was nothing ahead for us. He looked into my eyes, caring.

    “Turn around, and close your eyes. Please do not look back. Just remember me, this me.”

    He released me, and I was instantly void of his warmth. But I obeyed, turning around, and slowly closing my eyes. There was a beeping noise. One shot. One gasp. One thud.

    I knew what had happened, and even though I couldn’t see, I could still picture it. His lifeless form lying there, his lips that were just seconds ago on top of mine, dripping with blood. I felt so angry, I was so sad that it made it impossible for me to cry, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t cry for him. As I opened my eyes, I felt a single tear escape, I watched it drop onto the floor.

    It was the last thing I saw before I disappeared.

    (A different place and time.)

    It was like a blink. Nothing more, nothing less. I tripped as I took a first step, and my face met the ground much faster than it should’ve. Dirt and grass was spit from my mouth. I stood up, and finally realized that I’d changed. My eyes drifted to my clothing, jean shorts, yellow tank top. In the back of my mind I knew what had happened, and what to expect, but I never really believed it before.

    “There you are Naketa!”

    My head turned immediately at the sound of my name, and I gazed upon a much younger Ash. He still had the cap, that hid his marvelously uncontrollable black hair.

    “Let’s get back to camp, Brock has dinner ready.”

    I watched him pause and cock his head.

    “Are you okay Naketa? You look a little pale.”

    I quickly put on a forced smile.

    “I’m fine! Let’s go!”

    Ash started walking ahead, and I just followed, still in a daze. My legs didn’t feel right, being so much shorter than I was used to. But the one thing I couldn’t understand was how?

    How did I go back?


    Again I was jerked back to reality and frantically looked around for the source.

    “Naketa, you were walking straight out of camp!”

    “Oh, um yea. I was just daydreaming!”

    Ash got a very puzzled expression, then shrugged. A new voice came to my ears then, no, not new, I just hadn’t heard it in a very long time.

    “Hey, you guys! Dinner is ready!”

    Brock. I just sat down and ate the delicious food, silently. I thought about what I needed to do now. Ash had said to keep us ignorant, or more so, keep them ignorant. And I knew what was going to happen, so it would be easy, right?

    But I couldn’t remember, it was long ago, and I had desperately been trying to block it out for years now. Unbeknownst that it would later be critical information. I suddenly remembered how it started, at least most of it, but it was enough.

    What time was it now?

    What day?

    I had to know, so we could run……and fast.

    “Ash, please tell me, quickly. What day is it? And what time?”
    “Well, it’s Thursday, and-” He pulled out his watch, and pressed a button.

    “It’s 5:23PM. But why do you want to know?”

    My fingers rested over my lips, I was trying to remember, it had been Friday. I think. Could we spend the night here?

    Yes, nice and rested so we could run the next day.

    “Naketa, you’re acting strange, what is wrong?”

    What was wrong?

    Many, many things were wrong with the seemingly perfect reality they knew. There were enemies all around.

    “I’m just really tired, I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning Ash, don’t worry.”

    He scooted a little closer to me and peered questioningly into my eyes.

    “Since when are you so nice to me?”

    Why on earth would I be mean?

    I was always nice to him, wasn’t I?

    Again a revelation hit me, of what I used to be. Circumstances made a big change on me, I was almost a whole different being. But how could I fake my old self?

    I put on a more sarcastic voice, one that I hadn’t used in ages.

    “I already TOLD you Ash, I’m tired. I don’t have enough energy to argue with you!”

    Then he smiled, content with the fact I sounded ‘normal’ again.

    I slipped into my sleeping bag, and rested my head. Ash and Brock were still eating and talking over by the fire, and my thoughts drifted to what had happened earlier, or rather later.

    The kiss mostly, the warm feeling of Ash’s lips, and how right it felt. And then he was gone, and yet he was sitting only a few feet away from me now. I thought of the future, I thought of my past, I thought I wasn’t tired, and yet I slept.

    It was still dark, but we needed to get going. I slid partially out of my sleeping bag and started shivering frantically. Every part of my sensible mind said to curl back up in the warmth and rest some more, but I couldn’t. With clenched teeth I stood up and instantly started shuffling my feet. The ground was cold, my arms were cold, and the bones in my legs felt as if they vibrated. Why did I wear these clothes?

    I made a mental note to re-do my wardrobe as soon as possible.


    I think it was the sound of teeth chattering that woke him, rather than the sound of his name being hissed. He just opened his eyes and squinted at me.

    “Ash, we need to go. Please just wake up Brock and get packed.”

    He was still squinting at me.

    “Wha? Why?”

    I sat down beside him as he sat up.

    “I’m sorry, I can’t explain because you wouldn’t understand.”

    “Let me get this straight. You want me to leave in the middle of the night, for no reason, because I wouldn’t understand what you won’t explain?”

    The tone of his voice was strange, it almost hurt. He thought I didn’t trust him, but I couldn’t tell the truth! He wouldn’t believe the truth.

    I leaned over and kissed him very lightly, and shortly on the lips. Maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was because he wasn’t wearing his hat, maybe I was addicted to him after the first kiss. But I just ran afterwards, I ran and sat down behind a tree. Because I honestly didn’t know what to do!

    Then I heard noises, Ash was packing, and it sounded like Brock had gotten up too. I couldn’t help but smile, maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.

    All of us were soon traveling in the darkness. I knew what had happened last time, and I was extremely determined not to let it happen again. I led the group as far away, as quickly as I could. It was soon dawn, and then almost noon.

    We stopped and sat down to break for lunch when there was one shot, and Brock fell, dead.

    I gasped, how could they have found us?

    We were far away! Unless…..unless they had been following us. And that would mean it was inevitable, I couldn’t prevent this from happening!

    “Run Ash!”

    We were off at a full sprint, adrenalin pumping. It came as a total shock when I felt excruciating pain and my leg gave way. How could I be shot?

    I hadn’t been shot last time!

    Then it came to me.


    The sound of electricity cracking came to my ears as I continued to run. A gun shot was heard, but I kept running. But what hurt the most was Ash’s scream.



    I must have been crumpled in a heap on the ground, looking pitiful, but I closed my eyes and prepared for the inevitable. A shot rang out, but the pain didn’t come, just a heavy weight on my back. Was I dead?

    But I managed to open my eyes and……there was Ash, he had blocked the bullet. And the only word I could think of was: failure. Look at what one little mistake made! Look at how easy it was to fail! I had a whole other chance, and look at how quickly I had failed.

    And what to do now? There was nothing to live for! Nothing!
    I just closed my eyes, wishing I could’ve done something with a chance, wishing I had done anything but fail.

    I didn’t dare to open my eyes again, so they stayed closed for the longest time. That caused me to fall asleep, and thus, I woke up.

    The surroundings looked familiar, but the havoc and terror didn’t seem to be visible anymore. Ash was not there. Now what had happened!?

    My head ached with the confusion of it all. Now accustom to my much smaller body, I got up and notice that I wasn’t shot. Then I started walking a bit, only to meet the last person I’d expected.


    My mouth was agape, as I awed at the fact he was perfectly unharmed.

    “Hi Naketa, I was just looking for you. Brock has dinner ready.”

    Confusion, and utter confusion. I just couldn’t understand what was going on! This had already happened, and now it was happening again! Did I get another chance?

    That was defiantly what it appeared to be. This time would be different, but unfortunately that meant it had to be the same as the first time, the very first time. The beginning would have to be the same, Ash would have to find out a little bit, but not all.

    Again I faked a sarcastic and playful voice, imitating my former self.

    “Ok Ash, I’ll race you there!”

    It was dark, and I again found myself in my sleeping bag. But this time I had nothing planned. Unfortunately I had to live out this day just as before, I had to watch two close friends die. Again. I had already tried to stop it, and it didn’t work, they were following and there was no way to get away from that. I banged my fist against the ground. What was I supposed to do after!?

    Just hide…….forever? I….guess that….could work. And I just HAD to remember to act like my old self, more problems could arise if I didn’t. But now I have to surrender to this enemy called sleep.

    When I finally re-opened my eyes it was well into the day. The glint of dew was gone from the ground. Ash was a few yards away, and I couldn’t see Brock. He was off getting water. Strange knowing the future, strange changing it, strange living the past over again.

    I was so tempted to ask Ash what time it was, but would the old Naketa really have done that?

    Brock would be shot when he returned, which could be any moment now. I scurried out of my sleeping bag and rolled it up. It really was a beautiful day, I just never really paid attention, with my mind on other things. The sun was high and radiant, a sleeveless shirt allowed my shoulders to feel the internal warmth it gave. Only a light breeze, just enough to let the forest dance. And shadows haunted the floor, almost silhouetting the disaster to come in this picturesque setting.

    We were all just so innocent. I glanced over at Ash, carelessly living life without a notion, even a hint, that this was a turning point. Sad isn’t it?

    Nowhere to be cowardly, no time to be strong. And that leaves you to feel it, just let it all come at you full force. I could feel the muscles in my fists tightening. How could life be so cruel?

    Look at us! Just look! We were happy, with goals and dreams, and fantasies. And all that can be ripped away so easily. No matter how far you reach for them back, your hands return empty, clutching nothing but the darkness. Yes… was a good thing we were strong. It was a good thing Ash was strong.

    The sound of rustling brush was what I heard next. And at that I lowered my head.

    “Oh Naketa, you’re up-”

    Brocks voice was cut short by the gun shot. It was sounding all too familiar, almost just like it was part of the scenery, no different than a Spearow’s cry. That distinct sound of a last breath, you can always tell by the sorrowful screech it leaves in your head. Almost screaming “And there will be no more.” Then there’s the falling, the thud of a lifeless form against the living ground. I could never bear to watch.

    Ash yelled “Brock!” then quickly ran to his side. He held his fingers to Brocks neck, checking for a pulse.


    I ran and kneeled down next to him, also surveying Brock’s lifeless form. Cautiously peering into his face I saw a couple tears slither downwards to meet the ground, then suddenly his sad expression changed to one of almost anger. He whispered at me through clenched teeth.

    “Who would do this?”

    And then a shot rang out again, barely missing my own body. At that Ash screamed “RUN!” And that was exactly what I did, exactly replicating what I had done before. Except this time I remembered to grab my sleeping bag.

    “Ash, we have to get out of here!”

    His face was wet with tears, but he still had a sense of control about him. We both ran now, together, anywhere but that clearing in the forest. I couldn’t feel my feet moving, adrenalin was empowering them to speeds I never knew possible. And we just kept going.

    It must have been hours later. The shoes that covered my tired feet were caked with dust; I was just so thankful to stop and sit down. Ash was seated beside me, and his face looked hard and cold. Our heavy breathing was all I could hear, until Ash spoke.

    “I think we lost them. I hope we lost them. But who were they? And WHY WOULD THEY BE AFTER US?”

    He was seriously upset. And so was I in fact, even thought I knew all about it.

    “I’m not sure,”

    A lie, right there.

    “But at least we got away safely, and we can just keep hidden.”

    Isn’t that what Ash had told me to do? Keep ourselves out of danger instead of searching for it like we had before?

    “No Naketa! We can’t! I have to find out who murdered Brock”

    “We don’t stand a chance! Don’t you see that? Even if we did find them they have guns and we don’t!”

    “Well then what do you propose we do? Just stay here in the forest and hide forever? Never knowing anything or getting any answers?”

    We were both lying down but propping ourselves up with our hands. Oh if only Ash knew what the future was! If only he could see that knowing nothing WAS really the best! I knew he was too stubborn to convince now, when he had just witnessed everything and was enraged. So I neutralized the situation.

    “Lets just stay here awhile. We can think about it and get a plan, this isn’t anything to mess with!”

    With that his voice softened, he turned away with his head down.

    “I thought I knew you better Naketa, I thought you would want to get back at whoever did this. But I see you’re just a coward.”

    Oh that hurt, especially coming from him. I really hadn’t been this way, I had been just as fiery as he had been, maybe more. HE had actually been the one to come up with the idea to wait, and settle down, but that had been after another attack.

    I released the death grip that was holding a sleeping bag. The fabric was cold as I rolled it out along the ground, then slipped in fully clothed. I started shivering. But the sun was up, and the wind was down. Now I was punishing myself; how could I act that way?

    You’re not acting the way you would’ve, and what if you loose Ash all together?

    I turned my head. His back was towards me, and his right hand drifted against his face then returned. Wiping tears probably. Ash had a lot to cry about his ever faithful friend, Brock the brotherly figure. And now me, acting totally out of character. I was making this harder.

    “I’m sorry, Ash.”

    I saw his head turn at my voice. Bloodshot eyes met mine.

    “I said ‘I’m sorry.'”

    With a shaky voice, and through clenched teeth he replied.

    “I heard what you said.”

    This was definitely wrong, he looked…..furious. So I moved a little closer, slithering in my sleeping bag.

    “What’s the matter?”

    His eyes narrowed and gleamed glassy like a cobra.

    “I want revenge Naketa.”

    It had happened so fast. But now it was anger, a great hatred towards those who had brought all the suffering upon him. And who could blame him?

    I had felt the same way; the two of us had harnessed it, and controlled it, together. But I cannot act that way now! Is it required that I act?

    I can’t burst out in tears, I can’t fake a rage.

    “I want revenge too…”

    My voice cut off there as the words finally sank in to my own consciousness. Damn right I wanted revenge! So I had to say it,

    “..You don’t know how much I want it.”

    Finally a response, he turned his head slightly to stare at me. And said “But I want it now. I want to track them down and assault them with my bare fists.” he said.

    I ran my tongue across dry lips,

    “You wouldn’t get revenge by killing yourself.”

    He didn’t respond, so I kept going.

    “They’re sure to come after us, so why don’t we be ready? A plan to find out who they are, exactly.”

    Or I could just tell you Ash, but……that wouldn’t be fair, and you wouldn’t want to know.

    His head moved in a gentle nod.

    “It’s impossible for us to find out who’s behind this just by waiting for them to attack, we have no defense. I say we learn to fight.”

    I suddenly realized at how little I’d done to change anything, because this was almost exactly what had happened the first time. But, what could I do?

    Now was the time to rack my brain for ideas.

    “I think I have an idea….” I said.

  159. The Chozenon 25 Nov 2009 at 3:06 pm

    I was thinking about the origin of another one of my characters, Lisa Myers, and decided to rewrite her also. Please if anyone has the time let me know what you think. Thanks, the Chozen.

    Lisa Myers codename: Devastator

    With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.
    Her mind raced how could he have found her, she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.
    She could hear him screaming to her to come back. Mind racing though her thoughts and also trying to comprehend all of it she looked around frantic.
    Garbage was strewn across the cold darkened ally; it smelled of rotten fish and salad dressing. She ran further into the ally and quickly ran behind a Dumpster. She hit the brick wall and cut her left arm on the Dumpster. Hissing softly she grabbed her arm and slid down the side of the wall and grabbed her knees. She tried to steady her breathing.

    “LISA!” He yelled.

    She could hear him running down the ally. She needed to find a way out.

    “Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”.

    “No” her mind said just stay here. The air seemed to thicken and every thing seemed to close around her. He slammed the Dumpster, he was right next to her. She closed her eyes and hoped to god that he wouldn’t find her.
    Her heart pounded so hard in her ears it drowned out the traffic on the street.
    It pounded so loud she could swear he heard it.

    “Ah LISA, There you are” he chuckled softly.

    Her heart skipped a beat “No” she said softly. He had found her. This was it, she was never going to see light again!

    He snorted “you pathetic little bitch Get UP!”

    He grabbed her by her arm and stood her up to standing position. She flinched and tried to burry her face, and not look at him, wishing she could be anyone but her. “Click Click” it was the gun, no this wasn’t happening she thought. She looked up into a gun and her heart dropped, she felt fear in the pit of her stomach.

    “look at me!” he growled and grabbed her head and forced it up.

    She swallowed “I can’t if you have that gun in my face!” she said in a harsh whisper.

    He chuckled “well you finally talking to me ain’t you” He drawled.

    “well” he moved the gun and held it under her chin. She looked him in the eyes and he sneered. Lisa began thinking back how it all started.

    Rays of light shined on Lisa’s face; slowly she opened her iced blue colored eyes and it was a sunny day. She looked around to glance at the clock radio for the time.

    “Its 7:45 oh shit I’m late for first period!”

    Lisa exclaimed angrily jumping out of bed and reaching for her clothes that she picked up last night in case something like that would happen, after she slipped into a black slipknot shirt and tight emo pants, she ran into the bathroom and brushed her teeth and combed her hair and ran out to the living room downstairs, and out the door. Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B”. She raced his mom to her truck because it was ten minutes until 8:00 and class started at 8:05 and they still had to pick up her friend Nicole Nickeson, she was one of Lisa’s best friends in the world, and she had asked her mom a long time if they could give Nicole a ride to school every day. When the blue Toyota Tacoma pulled up at Nicole’s drive way, Nicole was already outside and ready to go, she climbed in and greeted them happily and asked what took them so long, Lisa explained to her what happened.

    “My stupid clock radio was unplugged and my alarm didn’t go off to wake me.”

    She said still pretty pissed at himself because she unplugged it so she could plug in her laptop, so it could recharge as she typed her essay for U.S History class. When they pulled over at the school’s student parking lot Lisa’s cell phone vibrated and she flipped opened it to see what was up and she saw on the little screen that she had received a text message from her boyfriend Barrett Finch. Who had by the way been a senior at the time, they were a couple for about two months. Barrett was a well build guy, he had light brown hair and nice pretty brown eyes that caught Lisa’s attention, but it wasn’t all about looks, the thing that caught Lisa in Barrett’s spell was his personality, she loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers. Where they met was at their period class, they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured, she walked to the side of the rail and saw Barrett playing with the baby of one of the women that were measuring them. She liked how he made the baby laugh and they way that he laugh with joy also, she could see that some day Barrett was going to be a good father and she’d liked to see his child grow up. From that moment she realized that she loved him right then.

    She read the text message in her mind slowly so she wouldn’t miss a single word, it said.

    “Hey where are you? School is going to start any minute!”

    Lisa replied to the message saying that she was already at the student parking lot. And that she should meet him there since they both had U.S History together. After they got out of the car and said goodbye to her mom, they waited for Barrett at the student parking lot which it was crowded by cars.


    Someone yelled out her name and Lisa turned and saw Barrett sort of jogging towards her and Nicole.


    Louis hugged her warmly.

    “Hi Nicole.”

    He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug.


    She greeted back.

    “you guys are such a cute couple.”

    she smiled. They walked out the parking lot and went on the school’s quad where all the kids would hang out before school started.

    “Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?”

    Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded.

    “Okay, see you guys later.”

    She excused herself and made her way to the library after Maribel Garcia.

    “Finally I got you all to myself.”

    Lisa said smiling at Barrett as he had a smile across his face too.

    “Oh really? Are you planning on seducing me?”

    Barrett teased as pulled Lisa closer to him.

    “Only if you promise to seduce me first.”

    Lisa answered him sexually. “Oh I will.”

    Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step. As they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung letting the student body know that it was time for first period. They walked to their first period class holding hands and cuddling like they always did every morning of a school day.
    During U.S history Barrett and Lisa sat next to each other sending notes to one another. They would write how much they loved each other, and asked what were they’re plans for the weekend to see if they could go out on dates. Or do something else with each other, they normally went to the movies and sat in the very back to make out once everyone was out of the theater because the movie was over. Last July they went to see the movie called “Ultra Violet” it was an action flick, two guys from school started talking loud and throwing hpopcorn, until Barrett got frustrated by their immature behavior and decided to get up and beat the crap out of them and he did.
    All four of them got kicked out of the AMC for a month because of the rough housing. Barrett passed a note to Lisa as Mr. Secoda was showing slides on the projector on the white board, Lisa unfolded the note and just started to read it when Mr. Secoda snatched it out her hands and took a glance at it and said.

    “Do you have something you want to share with the class ?”

    He asked Lisa and she shook her head nervously as she tried to swallow in the humiliation, but some how she couldn’t. Her throat was too dry.

    “What do you think class? Should I read out loud?”

    He announced at the students and everyone cheered and yelled yes. As Mr. Secoda read out loud the note, Lisa felt that she was getting warmer and warmer by the second. She didn’t care, she just focused on her hatred for Mr. Secoda, she felt this power surging through her and her hearing came back. She could see Mr. Secoda laughing with the note still in his hand and then the note suddenly self distructed in Mr. Secoda’s hands.
    Mr. Secoda screamed, and screamed for help as a students ran to get the fire extinguisher to use on his chest,hands and face. Mr. Secoda was badly burn, his hand got extremely burnt and his hair burnt away. When the ambulance got there , Mr. Secoda had to be given knock out drugs because he couldn’t stand the burns. And once they stuffed him in ambulance Lisa was still shocked at what had just happened in front of her. But the question that kept running through her mind, “Was she responsible for what happened to Mr. Secoda?” He couldn’t ease her mind but she knew that was impossible. No one could do things like that with their minds. “Or could they?” She thought to herself but she decided that it was simply impossible and that she should just put it behind her. “Besides Mr. Secoda was playing with fire and if you played with fire you are guaranteed to be torched.” She said in her mind and smiling on the outside.

    When lunch came mostly everybody was talking about the “Incident” that happened to poor Mr. Secoda, girls were whispering in each others ears and guys were saying how cool it was that Mr. Secoda got hurt because they hated him so much. Lisa, Barrett, and Anna Pandell were sitting in their favorite lunch table by the baseball field, and they all ate their lunch except lisa. Who was still pretty shaken up about Mr. Secoda, all that screaming Mr. Secoda did took away her appetite.

    “What’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your lunch.”

    Barrett said concerned as he rubbed his hand over Lisa’s stomach.

    “I’m just not very hungry that’s all, I mean seeing someone being hurt like that does that to you.”

    Lisa replied looking at Barrett.

    “I know. But it’s best not to think about it.”

    Barrett suggested leaning Lisa’s head on his shoulder for comfort.

    “All this time wishing for something horrible to happen to Mr. Secoda being so hard on account of others feelings, I feel terrible.”

    Anna answered regretful as she looked at them shocked, Lisa felt ashamed because she felt that Mr. Secoda received what he deserved. A few minutes the bell rung for the sixth period to begin, and for all students to clean after themselves and head to their classes. Anna said goodbye to them because they didn’t have the same class and also because after sixth period was over everyone goes home, Barrett hugged Lisa.

    “Are you sure you’re okay?”

    he asked looking into her eyes for an honest answer.

    “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll call you when I get home.”

    Lisa replied to him as she ran her fingers in Barrett’s hair.


    Barrett kissed her and then went their separate ways. Barrett headed home because he had no sixth period since he was a senior, technically he needed go home after fifth period but he enjoyed having lunch with Lisa and Anna.

    As Lisa entered in her theater class and headed to her seat she was interrupted by Rafael Barajas, he stepped in her way to say.


    She answered back to him annoyed. Lisa did not like Rafael at all because he would come in between Anna and her and that really pissed her off. Because she didn’t like sharing Anna with such a poser.

    “So have you talked to Anna lately because when ever I like call her, she is never home and also I’ve noticed that she’s not around school.”

    Rafael asked her out forward.

    “Gee I wonder why?” Lisa said sarcastically.

    As he put her backpack down underneath her chair.


    Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call. She would ask Anna if she wanted to talk to him but her answer was always the same.


    So Mrs. Pandell would make excuses like.

    “Oh honey she’s taking a shower, she’ll have to call you back.”

    That one usually made him call the following day.

    “Oh she told me to tell you that you’re so fucking annoying and to stop stalking her!”

    Lisa lied angrily as Rafael’s jaw lowered in shock, Lisa took a breath and replied.

    “I’m just kidding, she told me to tell you that their phone is out of order and their getting it fixed so you shouldn’t call even if it sounds like it just rings.”

    Lisa lied again but this time Rafael nodded disappointed. “I think Anna’s his only friend…what a fucking loser…oh well what’s done is done.”
    Lisa said inside her head as he saw Rafael walking away to his seat. The class had begun and Mrs. Klein was showing the parts of the stage. Because we were going to be tested this following Friday and we had to learn every part of the stage, or otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pick a partner for a scene. And of course it had to be assigned by Mrs. Klein, Lisa hated Mrs. Klein much more than Mr. Secoda and she wished that Mrs. Klien had gotten burn along with Mr. Secoda. Lisa couldn’t hold in her laughter so he let it out for the whole class to hear, just the thought of them burning brought laughter into her mind.

    “Do you mind telling the class what it is that you find so funny that you have interrupt my lesson?”

    Mrs. Klein asked her in a bitchy tone, lisa wanted to tell her that she was laughing because she found her burning with Mr. Secoda hilarious…no genius.

    “Oh um….”

    Lisa couldn’t make out the words for a good lie.

    “Look we don’t have time for your stupidity, so just keep your mouth shut!”

    Mrs. Klein snapped, and turned and faced the board.


    Katie cussed Mrs. Klein in the behalf of her, she turned to see Mrs. Klien next to her and she tried to keep in her laughter down, but she couldn’t. She laughed for Mrs. Klein to hear her.

    “That’s it, I’m filling out a referral for you!”

    Mrs. Klien answered angrily as she took a seat at her desk and started filling the form, lisa felt that feeling again, she went deaf and started to get warmer and all she focused on was the snow glove directly below Mrs. Klein face. Her eye sight suddenly zoomed in at the snow glove like a digital camera, and suddenly the snow glove shattered stabbing Mrs. Klein with broken glass in her face. Mrs. Klien screamed in terror and pain, because some of the glass had stabbed inside her eyes, blood ran down her face and everyone freaked out and a student went outside of the class to get help.

    Another ambulance was called to the High School, Mrs. Klein wouldn’t shut up she kept screaming in pain, Lisa wished she would have been caught on fire just like Mr. Secoda, at least he was a little quieter. School was dismissed early on count of the other “Incident”. Lisa felt conscience free because she felt she wasn’t responsible for the freaky coincidence that occurred today. First Mr. Secoda and then Mrs. Klein gets it. “Am I causing these weird occurrences? Do I have this ability that ends up hurting the people that I hate…Nah?” She reassured herself as she walked to the bus stop with Nicole.

    “I can’t believe two teachers got hurt today in just one day!”

    Nicole said to Lisa a little bit freaked out.

    “Yeah and I was the witness to both of them.”

    Lisa answered stiffly as she thought back. That feeling she felt when Mr. Secoda read his note from Barrett out loud to the whole class. She felt angry and full of rage, maybe these accidents are triggered within her. Maybe she had the gift to cause things with her mind. And maybe she had “Telekinesis” the ability to move or shatter things with her mind. She then realized that she had put two people in the hospital because of her uncontrollable anger and rage within her.

    When the bus arrived they both climbed in and took a seat next to each other, Lisa took the window seat. The bus drove off and Lisa looked outside and thought that she will put these so called powers to the test. She thought back at Mr. Secoda’s laughter and how he made fun of her, and then suddenly she felt stronger. And she looked outside, a road filled with cars, she focused on a truck with a cargo of helium tanks. Her vision zoomed in at the tanks, and out of nowhere the tanks exploded, making every car near it started flying in mid air.

    “Oh my god!”

    Lisa yelled pretty freaked out.

    “I did do those things.”

    No one on the bus heard her because everyone on the bus turned to look at the exploding cars because the first explosion made them get caught on fire also.

    When Lisa got home she admittedly went to her room, locked the door and turned on her television to see the news. She turned to channel 9, a reporter was standing ten feet away from the tragedy.

    “I’m here where helium tanks just combusted causing major mayhem,our sources tell us that there are no survivors….twenty five people have lost their lives.” the reporter said.

    Lisa turned off the T.V. rapidly not wanting to hear more.

    “Oh my god what have I done…I’ve killed innocent people…but I didn’t mean to.”

    She talked to herself trying to convince herself of her innocence in all of this. She climbed in bed and laid scared, crying in tears, she cried herself to sleep.
    The next day lisa left her home, her family, and her life.

    She awoke with a start, cold sweat running down her forehead. The sun shown bright and she squinted against it. Whipping her forehead with the back of her hand she grunted and sat up in her vehicle. It was still morning, The birds sang and the mist rolled across the wide fields. Lisa quickly pulled her long curly blond hair back into a pony tail. She then got out of the back seat, looking around, she saw no sign of a place or town. Lisa slammed the car door shut and walked to the front, She slid into the seat wondering if her dream had been real. She put the keys into the ignition and with one turn the thunderbird roared to life. She quickly sped off. What a mess I got myself into. She thought to herself. Why would they still be after me? She had no where to go. She had gotten rid of her mother’s credit cards, they ransacked her mother’s home so there was nothing worth salvaging. They had her parents threatened if they held any thing from them they would kill them. She sighed. She blocked out every thing, right now she needed a place to stay and a job so she could start all over again. Maybe some place in the middle of no where, that sounds good. She thought. Driving off.

  160. PaintedSainton 25 Nov 2009 at 9:02 pm

    I’m probably being a terrible editor this way, but I admit to have skimmed your story. However, I did read more of the beginning more carefully, but it suddenly became so, um, mundane, where Lisa was running away from someone/something, but I lost interest right about until Lisa was passing notes with Barrett, and getting in trouble with the teacher.

    The beginning was cliche, but it caught my interest by putting the character immediately into action. Relatively, that is. I’m sure there is a better way of introducing the character, because after the chase sequence, the cut back scene of her ordinary life didn’t do justice for the established intro. This part is supposed to make the character more relatable to the reader(which I’m assuming is the 11-17 demographic), but it felt rather boring to read through. It’s delaying the action, and telling me as a reader that Lisa was late for school and she wears emo pants(also, using stereotypes as descriptions from a first-person omniscient view is rather distasteful, it works only if it’s from first-person pov describing someone else). A lot of writers do this, from the amateurs to the professionals(for example in Twilight, the reader does not need to be told that Bella ate a granola bar for breakfast today). It stales the action that you already foreshadowed in the beginning, and my interest dropping from then afterwards.

    I know you won’t focus too much on Lisa’s school life, but that was also somewhat a gripe for me too. Once again, I have to point out another string of cliches here. Cliches can be effectively used, but as first time writers, they’re generally not recommended to incorporate into the plot. I’ve probably lost count how many times I’ve watched a tv series, read a story, played a game, and they always feature the main character as late(Sailor Moon especially, why is it that everytime her alarm clock rings, it’s always late?), it’s so overdone. Same goes with the note passing(is this supposed to take place in the past or present? Your target audience mainly uses texting, it’s less sexier but it makes more sense), and the teachers on a power trip.

    I’ll read over the excerpts a bit at a time, and I will try to make a few more suggestions than just criticisms, since I tend to be harsh when editing.

  161. B. Macon 27 Nov 2009 at 12:42 pm

    My first impression is that it’s difficult to tell how this ties into the rest of the story because it’s not a chapter.

    Some of the tensing, punctuation and grammar are a bit off. For example, “With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.” I think that should read “With her heart pounding in her ears, Lisa Myers slid into an alleyway.”

    Make sure that there’s a punctuation mark separating each sentence.
    Her mind raced how could he have found her, she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.” “Her mind raced” is a sentence of its own, so I’d recommend ending it with a period.

    “Alley” (the narrow space between buildings) is a different word than “ally” (friend or partner). In this context, I think “alley” makes more sense.

    Punctuation would help make this a lot smoother.

    “Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”. I would recommend punctuating this as: “Damn it, Lisa! Come on out, baby. Let’s talk about this,” he said.

    “hoped to God” could probably be shortened to just “prayed.”

    I don’t understand what’s happening with the “click click.” Is she trying to fire a gun at him? Is he trying to fire a gun at her?

    “wishing she could be anyone but her.” I think “anyone else” would be a bit smoother.

    There’s a lot of telling here. She felt fear… this wasn’t happening, she thought… exclaimed angrily, etc.

    The punctuation could be a LOT smoother. Fortunately, the spelling is generally solid.

    Do we need to see that she brushes her teeth and combs her hair as part of her morning routine? Why is that important? Generally, if a detail doesn’t develop a character or advance the plot, I would recommend removing it.

    “Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B…” This is quite a long bit of narratorial exposition. Do you think there’s some way to show us that she’s become a good student rather than tell us? (For example, if she’s a good student, perhaps she spends more time studying or puts more thought into her homework or has become more organized or whatever).

    “My alarm didn’t go off to wake me.” I think that “to wake me” is unnecessary– it’s pretty clear what the alarm was meant to do.

    Do we need these last names? For example, Barrett Finch. Does “Finch” matter? If not, I’d recommend removing it, at least for now.

    “She loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers.” All of these details can be shown rather than told.

    “…they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured…” First, I think Lisa is misspelled here. Second, do ladies in concerts typically get measured for tuxedos? Maybe they’d wear dresses?

    “Hi Nicole.”
    He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug.
    She greeted back.
    “you guys are such a cute couple.”
    she smiled.
    “Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?”
    Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded.
    “Okay, see you guys later.”
    –> This passage is a LOT of chatting. It doesn’t develop a character or advance the plot much, so I’d recommend cutting or shortening it. You might like to read this article on superfluous dialogue.

    “Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step.” Show us these details. It’s just the narrator telling us that their relationship isn’t built on sex. Maybe if we saw them doing something else, this detail would be clearer. Also, “there relationship” should be “their relationship” and “as they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung” should be, umm, maybe “as they lustily kissed, suddenly the bell rung.”

    The capitalization sometimes shifts. Sometimes it’s U.S. history, sometimes it’s U.S. History. I’d recommend being consistent.

    I think hpopcorn should be popcorn.

    Umm, Barrett just suddenly beats the crap out of a few guys. It sort of came out of the blue. Was it meant to be, umm, funny?

    “some how” –> one word.

    Random question. How would you describe your relationships with teachers? If you have a teacher or teachers you really don’t like, I think the Secoda scene and the Klein scene may raise authorial distance issues. They feel sort of, umm, unrealistically nasty? Particularly Klein.

    “Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call.” This is a really long sentence. Also, I’d recommend showing the details rather than telling them.

    Is her name Klein or Klien?

  162. jaronblazeon 22 Dec 2009 at 9:59 pm

    I need help with my two stories, Inhuman Theory and Fanboys.

    Inhuman Theory is about a group of inhumans: Lucas (light manipulator), his wife Janie (can see past, present and future), Ace (electricity manipulation and generation and magnetism manipulation), his younger sister Jade (invisibility and phasing), Travis (psychokinesis) and his long time girlfriend Lucy (substance transformation into a diamond which grants her strength and durability). Inhumans from the future, Cypher( mind works like a computer but faster & advanced hand-to-hand combat), Gabriel( time & space manipulation), Nina(power mimicry), Devin( possession, mind control, communication with animal & machines) warn Lucas and his friends about the destruction that the daughter of Lucas and Janie would do in the future. Her name is Rayne (reality manipulation) and the only one who can stop it is Silhouette (shadow manipulation and life force-manipulation) but she has evil intentions of her own. Silhouette and Rayne have a special connection.

  163. jaronblazeon 22 Dec 2009 at 10:06 pm

    Fanboys is about four teens who participate in comic-cons. Their motto is girls, school and comic books. The four teens participate in the Phoenix Project. After the experiment, they develop powers but discover that having superpowers isn’t as fun as it sounds.

  164. B. Macon 23 Dec 2009 at 8:15 pm

    “Their motto is girls, school and comic books.” Sadly, you can only have two of the three… Unless you’re Vin Diesel.

    I think your story sounds workable but not too well-developed at this point. What are the teens like, in terms of personality and traits? What’s the Phoenix Project and why are they involved? What’s the main objective of the characters? Who’s the antagonist driving the story? (I suppose that you could do a random slice-of-life story without an antagonist, but it’s very tricky).

  165. RICKY RAGon 23 Dec 2009 at 8:27 pm


  166. B. Macon 24 Dec 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Umm, with Inhuman Theory, I think there are probably too many characters. By my count, Lucas, Janie, Ace, Jade, Travis, Lucy, Cypher, Gabriel, Nina, Devin, Rayne and Silouhette.

  167. 1badassmutha-on 29 Mar 2010 at 8:47 pm

    I have a story I’m working on where the plot is completely driven by the origin story, nothing is as important as the origin story… Well, here goes.
    These scientists discover an alien virus that causes random anomylous changes in human DNA, and in an “accident” the virus is set loose. Because of it’s extra terrestrial nature noone knows how to fight it or protect against it and it spreads to virtually everyone in the world. Those who are infected either develop such drastic changes to their chemical and physical makeup that they die. While others develop superhuman albiet scientifically explainable powers. Some however are either not infected or not affected by the virus. This leaves 60% of the human pop. Dead. 30% unaffected, and 10% with powers.
    The main character, Sabien Gray, is originally a funny, intelligent, social guy who lives a perfectly normal life. Until his whole family and most of his friends die as a result of the virus. Only he and his brother, Indigo, survive. Both develop superpowers and proceed to use them as they will.
    Sabien rounds up his more competent powered friends and goes off in search of answers and revenge and possibly a cure for the virus.
    Indigo on the other hand begins to see the world as his playground and begins to use his powers to screw around with others and steal money valuable things only to throw them away or burn them when he’s done. (if you can, imagine a less psychotic, not so evil version of Heath Ledger’s Joker).
    I should mention that Sabien has control over energy. His body is a giant electrical battery:absorbing, storing, and releasing energy

  168. 1badassmutha-on 29 Mar 2010 at 8:58 pm

    Part 2)
    whereas indigo is a ghost. He has a gaseous form that allows him to travel like count Dracula or a spirit ands he uses this to his advantage in his many schemes, heists, and large scale practical jokes.
    The other charactars include Hannah, a young woman who can ignite her hands into a deadly green flame… That burns her flesh like actual fire. Oliver, a healer who tends to Hannah’s burns ever time she uses her power, and who’s body is so regenerative he is Virtually immortal. Max, an autistic psychic. And Madeline, a super strong Namor-esque hero with subaquatic tendancies.
    Villains include: indigo, who although not evil is chaotic enough to be a protagonist. And a large group of supers who want to take over as much of the world as they can in it’s current state of chaos known as the “Peacemakers”.
    The scientists who discovered the virus, and the alien race who created it.

    Any thoughts?

  169. 1badassmutha-on 29 Mar 2010 at 9:00 pm

    I apologize for the MANY grammatic and spelling errors in these posts.

  170. B. Macon 29 Mar 2010 at 11:41 pm

    Okay, so the virus hitting Earth and giving out superpowers is the premise. What’s the plot like? It sounds like there’s a lot going on and I think it might help to determine what the protagonists’ most important goal is. Some possibilities that come to mind are…

    –revenge against the aliens
    –Stopping the group of supers that want to take over (large parts of) the world
    –Stopping Indigo (which sounds pretty minor unless he somehow attempts some high-stakes villainy).
    –Curing the disease (which sounds pretty minor because it sounds like the disease has already infected and killed almost all of the people it was ever going to).

  171. Herojockon 10 Jun 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Self named Alien X is a technopath and goes from star system to star system that has intelligent life. Like a falling star he ‘invades’ the planets by crash landing on its surface. He announces his attentions to select a guardian for earth (through the various means of electronic communication) and gives instructions to those who dare. Up front entry requirement is ‘not to be too old or too young and none of those trouble makers you call leaders’. Only ??,???? (not to sure on the number) take up his dare and thus past the first test. Courage in the face of fear. The rest for obvious reasons are shit scared and refuse. Michael strike is born to the late astronaut William Strike who died on earth’s maiden voyage to Mars. Has taken up Alien X’s call. This is one small step for him, but one giant leap for humankind. lol.

    I’m thinking X-Factor meets Charlie and chocolate factory, who then meets Green lantern.

    Is that too whacky?

  172. ShardReaperon 10 Jun 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Replace X-Factor with Silver Surfer and it sounds about right. But to keep it from being too wacky, I think it’d be best if there was some specific reason he ended up taking up the mantle. Say, for e.g., that each country’s military sends five of their physically and mentally fit people to volunteer?

  173. B. Macon 10 Jun 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Hey, ShardReaper. I just responded to your e-mail.

  174. Herojockon 10 Jun 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Yeah I had that thought about Silver Surfer. But apart from the fact an alien comes to his planet and in the end his given powers. There is where there similarity begins and ends. Thankfully everything else is far apart. I hear you about the country’s military thing. However one’s physical ability has no variable to being chosen. Since they’d be enhanced with powers. Plus its not a fitness contest. His a meritocratic alien you know with a real agenda 😛

  175. ShardReaperon 10 Jun 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Just for the record, B.Mac, what address did you send it to?

  176. B. Macon 10 Jun 2010 at 3:12 pm

    qwe-at-qwe. I just forwarded it to jcoop…* as well.

    *abridged for privacy reasons

  177. ShardReaperon 10 Jun 2010 at 3:17 pm

    It’s cool, I got it now. Thanks.

  178. Herojockon 11 Jun 2010 at 2:44 am

    Ok I’ve decided to Strike junior will attend a university that gears its students towards non military space activities. In the same vein our military schools do today. His just graduated from a boarding school, which is also based on our present day military high schools we have in the U.K for the sons and daughters to the military.

  179. Kid_Anarchyon 30 Jul 2010 at 8:29 pm

    My character Anarchy is a pyrokinetic but i am having a hardtime coming up with a origin

  180. B. Macon 31 Jul 2010 at 11:05 pm

    So… what’s his personality like? What sort of traits are most important to emphasize? If the only thing that’s important about him is that he’s an anarchist, you might do something like him trying to set a building on fire or getting chased by police and accidentally exposing himself to dangerous chemicals in the process. Or maybe he’s suspicious of something the government is doing and he accidentally gets exposed to something they’re working on.

    If I could make a suggestion, I’d have the origin start with something he does. (IE: Not the government randomly picking his name out of a hat or randomly getting exposed to a meteor, but him doing something that puts him at the place where the accident or whatever happens).

  181. ekimmakon 29 Aug 2010 at 2:02 am

    Is it important to include a character’s power origin in the first novel?

    It’s just that with mine, you don’t see any of these. You get hints, and discussions about it, but the reader doesn’t actually get those scenes. It’s about the origin of their team, what brought them together to make a stand for what’s right.

  182. B. Macon 29 Aug 2010 at 3:46 am

    If the characters are veteran superheroes on a team, I think it’s okay to gloss over the origin of their powers and/or why they banded together. For example, I gave each veteran’s origin story about a sentence in this scene. With a rookie character and/or somebody new to his powers, I’d usually recommend going into more detail because he’s probably still adjusting to the changes.

  183. ekimmakon 29 Aug 2010 at 3:55 am

    But they aren’t veterans. They were teenagers dealing with superpowers in a world that condemns them for just being different…

    sorry, think I wrote that too aggressively.

    They aren’t veteran superherose, so do you think that still applies?

  184. ekimmakon 29 Aug 2010 at 4:15 am

    Although there is one character who just recently got his powers

  185. B. Macon 29 Aug 2010 at 5:25 am

    It could probably work either way, but personally I’d recommend covering the origin(s) at least briefly. A sentence could be sufficient. (Are we talking about individual origins or everybody sharing the same mass origin, like everybody on the team being mutants?)

    Alternately, if you’d like to avoid discussing the origins entirely, you could just say that nobody knows where the powers came from. I think that’d be a sensible in-story reason to not discuss it.

    I think it would be a bit harder for readers to mentally navigate the story if the characters knew where the powers came from but the readers didn’t. But if the main characters don’t know, it’s okay if the readers are on their page.

    With the discrimination angle, it may help to start the book shortly after the characters’ powers manifest and they are subjected to discrimination. I think that would help introduce the world to the readers. On the other hand, you mentioned that one of the characters recently got his powers. That may be sufficient.

  186. ekimmakon 29 Aug 2010 at 1:50 pm

    That could be why I’m having trouble. The origins aren’t really similar. Some are mutants, others from scientific accidents, still others from science on purpose. There is one factor that connects half of the team (the secret arch enemy).

    Most of the team don’t know where each others powers are from, so the reader isn’t exactly off guard. A few don’t even know where their own power comes from.

  187. ALEXon 07 Sep 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Hey guys id like some help with my superhero origin. Sp far this is what I have so far please give me some feedback and pointers.

    Many years ago a young teen girl from Spring City named Maria was somehow transported to a world that con-exist with our own known as the Demon World. Though inhabited by demons the world the demons are not all monstrous mindless creatures. Many have human like appearances. The world is 2 times the size of our own filled with many kingdoms and villages.

    Maria is found by brothers, Roark and young Fierro. The two brothers fall for the girl and protect her. They bring her to the Guardian (peace keeping warriors who train heroes of the demon world). They learn that Maria holds the power to unlock the legendary sword the Lexicon.

    Tyro a young new Guardian is assigned to bringing Maria to the temple where the sword lies. Roark and Fierro tag along and they learn a sinister force also wants the weapon. The sword is summoned and it bonds with Fierro. The trio defeat the dark forces who want the sword and are taken into the Guardian academy. Maria sent back to the Human world.

    Many years pass and both Fierro and Roark become heroes throught the Demon World. But when Vexen a powerful demon rises the Guardians are slaughtered. few remain as Vexen brings forth an army. Roark joins vexens army as his haterd and jelousy of his brother grows. Maria and Fierro have become close by now and she is pregnant. Fierro relinquishes the Lexicon to his unborn son and sacrifeces himself to defeat Lord Vexen. but his followers are strong Tyro one of the few Guardians left goes with Maria into the human world.

    Maria gives birth to young Max. She raises him for 5 years until Roark comes for her and kills her. Tyro comes and saves young max and seemingly defeats Roark.

    Now 10 years later teen Max lives a normal teen life. he knows nothing of his parents adventures, or his mothers death. With normal teen problems Max is suddenly sucked into his parents secret life as a demon attacks him outside his school. His instincts kick in and for the first time he summons the Lexicon.

    He is not skilled with it and is almost killed until Tyro now a bitter warrior in his 40s comes to Max’s rescue. Tyro tells Max this is just the beggening and more will come for the sword as a group of Demons known as Vexens Hand have learned of maxs existence and the Lexicon.

    Max begins his training with tyro as he learns to become the protecter of Spring City as the new Guardian.

    Thats what I got so far for an origin story. I know its kinda long. im also working on the first few story lines that are about Roarks return and Tyro losing all his powers. Please let me know what you think.

  188. B. Macon 07 Sep 2010 at 9:31 pm

    –When you sell it to publishers, I’d recommend making it clearer which character(s) are the leads. I’d only recommend starting with Maria if she’s the most important character, which I don’t think is the case. I’d recommend starting with Max and the demon attack, then him meeting Tyro and learning about his origins.

    –The Maria-Roark-Fierro love triangle could be interesting, but I don’t get the feeling it’d be very interesting in the context of this story. I think it’d be more interesting if it had a greater impact on Max in the “present” of the story. I don’t get that impression yet. One possibility might be slotting the third leg of the triangle (Fierro) into the father/mentor role currently played by Tyro.

    –The basic premise (a normal teenager is pulled into supernatural adventures) feels similar to very many anime stories I’ve read or watched, such as Inuyasha, Bleach and Yu-Yu Hakusho. To differentiate yourself, I’d recommend fleshing out the personalities of the characters more. Particularly Max. I find Tyro’s bitterness refreshing. (Also, he’s younger than I expected).

    “I’m also working on the first few story lines that are about Roark’s return and Tyro losing all of his powers.” Okay, but what about Max? If he’s the main protagonist (and it appears he is), I would not recommend leaving his motivations and goals as an afterthought. For example, what’s he trying to accomplish in his everyday life? (Romance? Dominating the debate team? Becoming a master tennis player? Surviving class?) How does this demonic angle in his life affect that? How does he respond to his new responsibilities and the new dangers that face him? In the context of a story that appears to be about Max first and foremost, I think that’s more interesting than what Tyro is doing.

    –What’s Max’s living situation like? I assume he’s living with foster parents because his biological parents have been killed, right? What are they like? Do they know (or suspect) anything about Max’s origins? Did Tyro tell them anything before dumping the infant on their doorstep? Did Tyro pick them out? If so, what about these potential parents stood out to him?

  189. Hourglasson 07 Sep 2010 at 10:51 pm

    I have an idea for a comic book/novel… and have an Idea about the main charcters origin. i kinda have a backstory but needs work…

    Basiclly its December 21, 2012 the solar system aligns with the sun. The sun shoots out a solar flare that engulf the earth with radiation… the radiation cause humans to have powers. ALso the earth alignment tilts the earth which cause major destruction from the alignment. that floads over flow countrys and ect… basiclly humans use there powers to rebuild earth. 3 years later crime happens… the main character that i have in mind can only fly. but he is later trained after getting his powers in sword training, bow and arrow training, fighting with a shield. He’s is a toon that i made up on Champions Online which is an MMO superhero game… The good thing is i know what he looks like. I just need help with his origin.

    Please reply…

  190. Hourglasson 07 Sep 2010 at 10:57 pm

    Here is my main character… his name is Patriarch…

    I also want my main character nemsis to be his girlfriend… but they have no idea… kind like mr. and mrs. smith that movie finding out that they are enemies… my the nemsis find out the Patriarchs identity after beating him in a fight. in that fight Patriarch looses his powers due to an Eclipse… yeah that what i got…

  191. Hourglasson 07 Sep 2010 at 11:17 pm

    oh also after the battle the nemsis publicly displays the patriarch mask and tells the world his identity. That when the Patriarch becomes the Golden Arrow… a hero with no powers. He has a Katana, Bow and arrows, and a tech shield (but idk if i want to give him a shield). He is similar to the Patriarch, but is more of a vigilanty, and becomes and anti-hero…

    But says that, “There will always be a need for the Patriarch. He is a symbol of justice. Thats what the world needs.”

    So the Golden Arrow is a more of a character that is able to fight crime without being restricted. Because the Patriarch has a code of Justice, and the Golden Arrow is able to fight crime in a more violent style… but not killing anyone.

    Tell me what you think

    oh and here is the Golden Arrow.

  192. B. Macon 08 Sep 2010 at 4:33 am

    When the world goes to hell with flooding and the like, why does it take three years for crime to go up? (Why wouldn’t people be desperate right away, around as soon as they started starving?)

    “after the battle the nemsis publicly displays the patriarch mask and tells the world his identity.” Why does this matter? She’s already defeated him in combat. (Also, how does he survive that defeat? Hopefully she doesn’t just let him go).

    I’m not sure the secret identity angle will be effective here. For one thing, the only friend or family you mentioned is a girlfriend that is actually his nemesis. So it’s not clear that being outed as a superhero actually threatens anything valuable to him. If losing the secret identity is supposed to matter, I’d recommend giving him somebody that he would care about losing.

    I’m not sure how you explain this in-story, but I suspect it’ll feel pretty contrived that his girlfriend just happens to be his nemesis. One possibility for explaining that plot hole would be that she dated him as a ploy to get close to the Patriarch. (Maybe she knew all along that he was the Patriarch, or maybe just had a general impression that “hey, Clark Kent seems to do a lot of work with Superman, so following CK around will be a good way to find Superman”).

  193. ALEXon 08 Sep 2010 at 11:25 am

    Thanks B.mac And to answer those questions I have actually been thinking that Tyro is a alias used by Fierro who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen.(kinda like Obiwon-konobi is Ben Konobi). But doesnt tell Max who he really is. But not sure about that change yet.

    Maxs is a trouble maker who seems to care for nobody. Slacks off in school feels alone in the world. Under Tyros training he begins to feel a connection and like he belongs. And with the sacrifice both his parents made for him he begins to feel like he too wants to be heroic.

    And for Maxs everyday life he begins to be tutored by his crazy obsessed neighbor Beth(who is in love with Max), which he begins to miss because of his fight with demons. She decides to follow Max around to see why he has been missing his sessions and learns what he has been doing. Being a very smart girl she becomes kinda of like the Chloe Sullivan to Max.

    Maxs sudden change from total jerk to kinda trying to be nice also catches the attention of Adriane the new girl in school (who Max falls for). But Zane Maxs long time rival begins to go after her as well. Zane is also one of Maxs villains as it is revealed he is the son of a Shadow Demon defeated by Maria years ago.

    Max also gains a best friend in Jay another trouble maker who doesnt understand Maxs sudden change of heart. He will eventually be killed by a demon which will cause Max to abandon all human connections until he learns Adriane is pregnant with his baby.(But that’s later on).

    Max lives with his aunt Jen and her young 8 year old son Josh. She knows of her sisters demon adventures and her and Tyro have a deal that Max is to never know. So both Max and Tyro must keep Maxs Demon fighting a secret. But she begins to get suspicious when a local unidentified superhero begins fighting monsters.

    I also have idea for latter stories of a Team of demons in the demon world known as the New Guardians who have been fighting Vexens Hand to bring peace back to the world. The hear of Maxs heroics in the Human world against agents sent by Vexens Hand and decide to bring him to the Demon world to help fight. They are led by Jyro the son Tyro beleived was dead years ago and his girlfriend Zara sister of Zane he never knew he had. Max with his new confidence will grow to lead this team against Vexens hand until Lord vexen himself somehow returns.

    Just some ideas so far.

    So what ya think????

  194. ALEXon 18 Oct 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Thanks B.mac And to answer those questions I have actually been thinking that Tyro is a alias used by Fierro who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen.(kinda like Obiwon-konobi is Ben Konobi). But doesnt tell Max who he really is. But not sure about that change yet.

    Maxs is a trouble maker who seems to care for nobody. Slacks off in school feels alone in the world. Under Tyros training he begins to feel a connection and like he belongs. And with the sacrifice both his parents made for him he begins to feel like he too wants to be heroic.

    And for Maxs everyday life he begins to be tutored by his crazy obsessed neighbor Beth(who is in love with Max), which he begins to miss because of his fight with demons. She decides to follow Max around to see why he has been missing his sessions and learns what he has been doing. Being a very smart girl she becomes kinda of like the Chloe Sullivan to Max.

    Maxs sudden change from total jerk to kinda trying to be nice also catches the attention of Adriane the new girl in school (who Max falls for). But Zane Maxs long time rival begins to go after her as well. Zane is also one of Maxs villains as it is revealed he is the son of a Shadow Demon defeated by Maria years ago.

    Max also gains a best friend in Jay another trouble maker who doesnt understand Maxs sudden change of heart. He will eventually be killed by a demon which will cause Max to abandon all human connections until he learns Adriane is pregnant with his baby.(But that’s later on).

    Max lives with his aunt Jen and her young 8 year old son Josh. She knows of her sisters demon adventures and her and Tyro have a deal that Max is to never know. So both Max and Tyro must keep Maxs Demon fighting a secret. But she begins to get suspicious when a local unidentified superhero begins fighting monsters.

    I also have idea for latter stories of a Team of demons in the demon world known as the New Guardians who have been fighting Vexens Hand to bring peace back to the world. The hear of Maxs heroics in the Human world against agents sent by Vexens Hand and decide to bring him to the Demon world to help fight. They are led by Jyro the son Tyro beleived was dead years ago and his girlfriend Zara sister of Zane he never knew he had. Max with his new confidence will grow to lead this team against Vexens hand until Lord vexen himself somehow returns.

    Just some ideas so far.

    So what ya think????

  195. B. Macon 19 Oct 2010 at 10:45 am

    “I have been actually thinking that Tyro is an alias used by Fierro, who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen…” Hmm. I like the idea of simplifying the backstory by removing and/or merging characters, but this would seem to lead into a cliched Darth Vader “Luke, I am your father” moment. One possibility that might be a bit more promising would be the son gradually realizing the truth and confronting the father rather than the father revealing it to the son.

    Will it feel contrived that Max just happens to be a rival with someone that just happens to be the son of a demon? Is this just a coincidence or is there some reason that they happened to meet each other?

    I think some of the names could be more distinct. For example, Tyro and Jyro and Zara and Zane.

    Do you have any sample pages and/or chapters?

  196. B. Macon 19 Oct 2010 at 10:46 am

    “I have been actually thinking that Tyro is an alias used by Fierro, who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen…” Hmm. I like the idea of simplifying the backstory by removing and/or merging characters, but this would seem to lead into a cliched Darth Vader “Luke, I am your father” moment. One possibility that might be a bit more promising would be the son gradually realizing the truth and confronting the father rather than the father revealing it to the son.

    Will it feel contrived that Max just happens to be a rival with someone that just happens to be the son of a demon? Is this just a coincidence or is there some reason that they happened to meet each other?

    I think some of the names could be more distinct. For example, Tyro and Jyro and Zara and Zane.

    Do you have any sample pages/chapters?

  197. ALEXon 19 Oct 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Thanks again B mac im actually working on writing some pages. Its tough to find time. I literally have dozens of notebooks with different story ideas and story lines. I literally have two notebooks with overview and ideas for Maxs storyline and it goes for years in story that is. I also have quite a few notebooks with ideas for Zane alone who, at least to me, has grown to the point were I think the srory could have two main characters Max and Zane. I have a story overview but its kinda long.

    The story has been building up to a team of heroes which i think the final part of what I hope could be an epic series could be about, led by a now adult Max and Zane.

    But your rite about some of the names and im working on that but after all these years of writing its hard to change them. I was wondering if maybe you could refer me to a book or website cause i wanna write this into a comic but have no idea how. In high school i took a class on writing scripts for commercials so thats what i been thinking about going with.

    Would you want to look at the overview and maybe help me keep the main story focused?

    Everything helps so thanks.

  198. B. Macon 20 Oct 2010 at 12:45 pm

    If you’d like to send me the overview, you can e-mail me at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com, but I think it’d be more helpful to look at sample pages. To get this published, you’d probably want to do a one-shot story ~32 pages long. To help keep yourself in a tight length, I’d recommend keeping the story as simple as possible at first. For example, since the kid’s life only seems to get notably out of the ordinary when he pulls the Lexicon out, I’d recommend starting the story there. (The inciting event of the story is when he pulls it out). I think it’d be easier to ease into his adult life over time but I don’t know if you’d have the time at the beginning.

    If the publisher publishes the one-shot and likes how it turns out, they may agree to publish something longer later. (But longer series cost a lot more money to publish, so it’s easier to break in with something short at the beginning).

  199. ALEXon 20 Oct 2010 at 9:46 pm

    Thanks bmac

  200. B. Macon 18 Dec 2010 at 10:37 am

    “Would it be okay to give the main character’s parents some status? Like Idk a highly wanted criminal a respected Minister or a very powerful fighter that is renown etc. Or does that add to the whole chosen one complex you mentioned.” I think it could be a problem, but it sounds like he’ll be dealing with serious obstacles (growing up in the streets, etc). If he’s able to succeed in this situation, I think it’ll be because he stands out and not because of who his father was.

  201. Alex.on 09 Feb 2011 at 1:39 pm

    hey, Ive wanted to start writing a superhero origin for ages now and Ive planned out many characters but I never know how to start them? or what a good storyline would be? The main character would be a teenage girl who has skin formed of metal, kind of like Colussos? or her power would be she has invisibility but when she turns invisbile she can see/contact dead people or ghosts. Just a view ideas that need developing 🙂

  202. Nicholas Caseon 09 Feb 2011 at 1:55 pm

    For her metal skin, an interesting plot would be that she could be a loner living by herself when a person (preferably someone who doesn’t become the protagonist’s boyfriend/girlfriend to avoid it spinning into a Bella/Edward superhero cliche. Like a little kid or an adult) get’s in danger and she saves them. Then the person insists on her living with her and the girl try’s her hardest to not hurt the person she saved and tries to adapt to her new life. For her invisibility/ghost visibility power maybe she has to find the ghost of a loved one who was killed and has to convince them to enter their body before it decays. Maybe, Alex, ghosts don’t want to enter their body again or it is too difficult/painful and they don’t want to do it. I made the plots smaller to avoid them spinning into ‘a man has to save the day’ cliche…hmm…those last two words rhymed a bit…

  203. Alex.on 09 Feb 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Ahh thankyou 😀 i like the idea of the invisibility power i think more now, but like what could or how would her power develop? or be triggered?

  204. Nicholas Caseon 09 Feb 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I assume you mean the invisibility, so maybe her friends could pressure her into going to this ‘haunted place’ and a poltergeist comes and attacks her but since she can see it she manages to get out alive. Also, she needs a weakness or limitation. I recommend something like it irritates ghosts around her and makes them angry, so they tend to attack her. Or every time she uses her invisibility she becomes more and more transparent until she is a full ghost and can’t turn visible again. Also…SNOW IN MEMPHIS! we got like 5 inches and it’s still coming down hard! No school!

  205. Nicholas Caseon 09 Feb 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Oh I forgot, he power could develop by ghosts coming to her (assuming they won’t get irritated very much or just tolerate it) with problems like wanting to kill their killer or saying a goodbye to the people they didn’t have enough time to say goodbye to. Hope that helps! if you have any other question’s feel free to ask, I like doing B.Mac’s job…not that he officially told me to do it but…I just happened to get there first… if that makes sense.

  206. B. Macon 09 Feb 2011 at 6:08 pm

    “I’ve wanted to start writing a superhero origin for ages now and I’ve planned out many characters but I never know how to start them. What would a good storyline be?”

    One possibility would be to put something they value at risk or endanger them. Have them respond, preferably in a distinct/unusual way that fits them (and their personalities, goals, flaws, etc) but wouldn’t fit most other protagonists in their genre.

  207. Alex.on 10 Feb 2011 at 5:31 am

    yeah thats a good idea, so when she turns invisible, she enters like “the deadworld” and ghosts are irritated by it and tend to attack her, getting more violent the longer she stays in that world.

  208. Nicholas Caseon 10 Feb 2011 at 6:44 am

    Or the longer she stays in the world, the more she becomes a ghost.

  209. Alex.on 11 Feb 2011 at 12:26 pm

    well i was in a lesson the other day and thought, the character wants to find out who had murdered and raped her dead younger sister

  210. Alex.on 13 Feb 2011 at 9:52 am

    Actually im still stuck on what sets off her power? any ideas would be helpful

  211. Nicholas Caseon 13 Feb 2011 at 11:58 am

    Well…um…I mean Ive never heard of a person that could phase into a ghost-maybe turn invisible but rarely a ghost so I think it’s fine the way it is.

  212. Nicholas Caseon 14 Feb 2011 at 1:13 pm

    It’s all very good, but who’s the main antagonist? I think a novel should have major antagonist(s) if there are major protagonist(s). Also I really didn’t see the plot besides ‘protect the world’ which seems annoying. If they have to protect the world from random threats then the story will seem to get no where. I suggest you add more of a plot then ‘protect the world’. At most cliche stop a powerful guy trying to take over the world. (In my story, a guy already took over the world and my protagonists go kill him. 😀 )

  213. B. Macon 15 Feb 2011 at 2:36 am

    “Its power allows Aden to transform his body parts into a black flexible mist-like substance that can incinerate just about anything as long as Aden’s own spirit input is strong enough.” Hmm. So he has the limitation of the strength of his spirit. If he frequently comes up short on that front, I think it could present a dramatically interesting limitation. If not, I wonder if you’ll be able to challenge the character enough.

    “He takes a Lion/animal-like stance.” I’m pretty sure I remember you’re working on a comic book, right? If you have an artist (or when you get an artist), I’d recommend running it past the artist whether the artist can do a human fighting in an animal-like stance (on all fours?) without looking goofy. If you’re familiar with the cartoon Justice League Unlimited, I thought that Vixen’s animators did a pretty good job illustrating animal-inspired techniques for a human. Also, if you have something like swipes in mind for a lion-themed attack, it will probably look better and make more sense if he has something like claws (either physical or spiritual/ghost claws).

    I think there might be more evocative names for a group of people than “Aura.” I think it’d help if the noun were something a bit less abstract. For a really slight adjustment, maybe “Auroras.”

    Other than that, this sounds pretty good. Do you have a particular antagonist in mind? The origin story usually covers how the protagonist runs into the main antagonist.

  214. Nicholas Caseon 15 Feb 2011 at 8:33 am

    That could work, but who will be the antagonist from the start if he’s secretly evil?

  215. Marquison 17 Feb 2011 at 10:27 am

    I have read all of your comments and replies. They’re all really good.

    Anyway I’m writing a story about a kid named Marcus. Marcus is a nice guy, and kinda just worrys about getting through each day. One day he is in his last class(he’s in high school ninth grade). When his teacher announces thr arrival of a new student. Of Course the class is shocked because she is only twelve years old.( She’s really smart for her age so she’s been taken up a few grades)

    So, she sits across the class from him. But marcus notices she continues to stare at him.After school he is walking home and notices he is being followed( By Alvira).

    He ends up being cornered by Alvira and her strange butler Camelot. And it is revealed that Alvira is a Queen in her realm.( one Queen for every Element)

    She tells Marcus that he has been chosing by the Wind Blade to be her guardian Knight.

    Please tell me what you guys think. Even Critque. 🙂

  216. Nicholas Caseon 17 Feb 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Hmm…where to begin…where to begin?

    -I take it you’re a ninth grader as well? I sorta inferred that Marcus is supposed to be you, and if so then you’re dangerously close to a mary sue.

    -Um, I believe secret origins (Like her secretly being a Queen) are rather annoying. What’s so important about her origin that the reader can’t know?

    -Also, I can see how when he becomes her guardian there can be just about any plot, but why should we hold it off. The beginning may be better for back story if there isn’t a general plot. Sure surviving school is okay, but why should we care? I mean it’s school- obviously he’ll make it because he’s the mainest of the main characters.

    -I’d hate to burst your bubble, but these teenagers destined for greatness is getting a little old. I call these Teenagers of Destiny (TOD). For instance, the only thing that made twilight as big as it was were the actors. Get a bunch of actors people think are sexy and put some mythical sauce with it. For me, anyone who’s 13-18 is a TOD. TOD’s can work, but they can turn cliche very fast. What I mean is they are too easy to become ‘just another story’ and can go from epic to lame in a paragraph. What would make your reader want to read another story about an unassured teen who get’s superpowers/gets romantically involved with a super hero (*Cough* Bella *cough*)? I would reccommend a tad older (like 20 and +), a tad younger (like 12 and -)

    -I hope I wasn’t rude about it but I would like to read more of your description. However, I feel that you should give us the whole thing rather than part because I don’t want to point things out that you’ve already fixed.

  217. B. Macon 17 Feb 2011 at 10:19 pm

    “I take it you’re a ninth grader as well? I sorta inferred that Marcus is supposed to be you, and if so then you’re dangerously close to a mary sue.”

    A few notes on personal privacy and authorial demographics. 1) I think that it is really unwise to share personal information online, and even worse to ask people to publically disclose their age. Especially if you think they’re minors! (Minors face a substantially larger security threat by exposing themselves online and are typically taken less seriously as authors, so it is especially important for them to stay anonymous).

    2) I would not recommend inferring the author’s age from the character’s age. I’m not familiar with Marquis specifically (and don’t want to know his/her age), but most YA authors are not actually young adults themselves.

    3) If the character and author are around the same age, it could be a sign that the character is a stand-in for the author, but I don’t think it raises all that many red flags if the character is well-developed and three-dimensional. However, I’m getting the impression that Marcus could probably use some work on that front. (“Marcus is a nice guy,” which makes it sound like he could just be generically nice and forgettable). I’d be far more concerned if the character shared a disability/handicap or major medical/psychiatric condition with the author or pushed the author’s religious and/or ideological agenda.

    Some other notes:
    –Are you writing a novel, Marquis? That’s what I assumed when you wrote “I’m writing a story…”, but it pays to be sure.

    –Your synopsis introduces Marcus like he’s the main character, but he doesn’t seem like he has much of an effect on the plot. Alvira is the one chosen to do interesting things, so why lead with Marcus? What does he bring to the picture? For example, maybe he gets suspicious that something is up with the new kid and starts poking around and then gets himself embroiled in supernatural adventure. I think something like that would give him a more active role. (Just please give him something to do rather than wait for Alvira to draw him into the supernatural intrigue).

    –Alvira sounds very much like a chosen one getting passively selected for destiny rather than actually making her own destiny happen. Why did the Wind Blade choose her rather than somebody else? (If she gets chosen because of something she did, it’ll make her more active and interesting).

    –Moving forward, I think the two biggest opportunities for improvement are 1) developing the two protagonists more and 2) building goals and conflicts for the characters. What are they trying to do?

    –I think some editors will roll their eyes at the “modern-day kids have to explore a fantastic realm,” unless you do a really good job building up this realm as something fresh and memorable. I think that it’s really important to push the limits beyond what you’ve read/watched already because it’s such a well-tread sort of premise. (Also, the kids themselves need to be fresh and memorable, but hopefully that goes without saying).

    –I’d feel fairly confident guessing you’re an anime and/or manga fan. One major difference between anime/manga and novels is that the novel industry values character development quite a lot, whereas a lot of anime/manga stories use generic, lightly-developed kids/YAs as placeholders for the audience. (Novels sometimes do this, like Bella from Twilight, but much less often).

    –“…chosen to be her Guardian Knight…” Could I recommend a more distinct, interesting word than Guardian here?

  218. Marquison 18 Feb 2011 at 6:44 am

    I like the suggestion on how Marcus begins to get sort of suspicious of Alvira. So i think im going to change the plot.

    About the Name.Originally I was making a different story about a kid based off of me.
    Then i read about mary sue-ism.

    I’ll write again later right now i have to go to third bell see you guys thanks for the

    special note i dont mind disclosing the fact that i am in ninth grade. im fairly impressed with the observation though.

  219. Marquison 18 Feb 2011 at 7:14 am

    After Getting cornered by Alvira and Camelot. They explain that he is to be her Guardian Knight ( Im thinking of changing it to Elemental Knight suggestions plz)

    Anyway before they can finish a screeching sound from the sky. The sky is filled with a huge flock of ravens that are sent by a powerful entity known simply as Chaos.
    ( you know the fable that everything came from chaos so i figured chaos would be trying to get evreything to be how it was before Light had came into play)

    Marcus has no choice but to accept Alvira’s offer and he then enters a Covenant with her. Camelot hands Marcus a sword that is called the Wind Blade.( Alvira = Queen of Wind) With a single swing the wind cuts up the entire flock of birds.

    Alvira instructs Camelot to announce that she has found her Elemental Knight.After Camelot leaves Alvira tells Marcus that he has to go to her realm in order to protect his loved ones ( he lives with his grandparents) He refuses because he doesnt want to leave them. Alvira decides that she will have to consult with the other Elemental Queens.

    After writing this i dont think i want to write this story. truth is I’m kinda bored with it.
    Anyway feel free to make some suggestions

  220. B. Macon 23 Feb 2011 at 6:03 am

    Hello, Stef! Our spam-filter identified your comment as spam. If you’re a real person, please let me know and I can get it back for you. (Sorry for any inconvenience).

  221. B. Macon 23 Feb 2011 at 6:28 am

    Hello, Marquis. I like Elemental Knight better. It’s definitely serviceable. (Maybe not as distinct as it could be, but that’s something I’d worry about much later in the writing process. Maybe something related to air/wind specifically?).

    What’s the Covenant like? It sounds like it could be interesting.

    I like the conflict shaping up between Marcus (who doesn’t want to be Alvira’s knight) and Alvira (who apparently doesn’t have any other prospects). Umm, how do queens usually find their knights? Are they mostly people from the real world or are they mostly from the fantastic realm? (One possibility would be that several of the fantastic-realm people that offered their services turned out to be servants of Chaos or otherwise horribly flawed, and Marcus is the only guy she knows she can trust).

    “After writing this, I don’t think I want to write this story. Truth is, I’m kind of bored with it.” Fair enough! Hopefully you’ll write something else. On the boredom front, I think it may help to try more unusual characters with starker personalities next time.

    Good luck.

  222. cool don 25 Feb 2011 at 2:50 am

    hi i wanted to know what you felt about this origin and character. i’ve already got all my characters and plot ready just wanted improvement. here it is:
    The protagonist at a younger age was an action junkie. His family owned an electrical goods industry, one one fateful day the protagonist over hears his father talking with one of his business partners, the business partner threatened the protagonists dad. the protagonist decides to do something about it and goes after the business partner. the protagonists father finds out about this and goes after him, and sees that his son has been held captive he tries to help and releases his son and tells him to get the police. by the time he arrives he sees his dead fathers body on the ground, this scars him mentally and he blames himself.

    THe time fast forwards and the protagonist has gotten older and he has matured. he gets fired from his job as a delivery boy and feels its all his luck. later on his mum gets kidnapped by the same business partner. the protagonist by this time has trained his self to take care of goons and troublemakers that disturb him. he also inherited his fathers vast knowledge of technolog and uses this to save his mother.the protagonists cousin soon tells him that he should use this his skills and knowledge for a purpose. “even a nobody can make a difference” drives the protagonist as well as a way to avenge his father.

    this has been copyrighted.

    so what do you think

  223. B. Macon 25 Feb 2011 at 3:58 am

    “By the time he arrives, he sees his dead father’s body on the ground, which scars him mentally and he blames himself.” I like that he gets involved before the murder happens. The self-blame is an interesting way to use the incident to develop the character. Also, I think it’s a bit refreshing that he’s fatalistic (blaming luck). That’s an unusual flaw for a superhero.

    I think that giving him a job besides a delivery boy position might help distinguish the character from Peter Parker. (The first comparison I drew between the two was that they both blame themselves for the murder of a loved one).

    If you’re planning on writing a story and getting it professionally published, the proofreading could use some work. (The spelling is pretty good but the capitalization and punctuation are really uneven).

    “This has been copyrighted.” Well, yeah, copyright protection applies automatically as soon as something is written.

  224. Marquison 25 Feb 2011 at 8:21 am

    I was thinking and decided to make an actual Superhero story. So heres my characters origin. I like it but please post any ideas you may have. Thanks for Your Time.

    Matthew Schultz is at his parents workplace.His parents Steve Schultz and Diana Schultz work for a corporation that specializes in advanced technology. While looking at robot prototypes. An explosion somewhere in the building causes the building to start to collapse.Matthew and his parents are almost out of the building but his moms clothes get caught on piece of metal. Steve Schultz rushes to his wifes aid. He gets her free and as they are leaving a falling piece of debris hits him on the head knocking him out. Matthew( having disobeyed his fathers order to leave) grabs his father. Half carrying and half dragging he gets his parents to safety.

    Muscles aching, he thinks it’s all over. Then someone shouts that their daughter is still inside. Matthew goes into the building once again. The little girl is stuck under a piece of wood she tried to crawl under.Matthew gets the little girl and together they make to the first floor. A creaking sound from above where Matthew and the girl is standing.Makes Matthew push the girl to safety. The segment of the ceiling collapses onto Matthew. His vision starts to blur as he slowly slips into unconsciousness.He feels happy when he sees the little girls run into the arms of her crying mother.Thats the last thing he sees before he is fully consumed by darkness.

    Matthews parents use the technology from their company to create Cybernetic bones that they use to replace most of Matthews broken body with. During the surgery Matthews heart stops. His parents use a series of electrical shocks to start his heart. To their astonishment the cybernetics absorb the charges like giant batteries.

    This is how Matthew gets his abilites. His don’t tell him about the cybernetics. They say that his injuries weren’t as bad as he thought they were. The cybernetics provide him with a durability factor( his bones wont break as easily as they had before). Better Reflexes, and a minor speed enhancement( he can run faster and longer then he used to be able to)

    Please tell what you guys think.I’m also thinking about making it so that the boss of the corporation ( Mike Newman) has something to do with the explosion. That way he can test his new cybernetics on a person. Plus I want matthew to be in a group of Three. The others powers will be Telekinesis,and Hydrokinesis.

    These powers will also be a result of Newman Tech.( name of the corporation) The cybernetics will make it so the person can use the entire percentage of their brain. And the Hydrokinesis will be because of a suit that controls the atoms in liquids.

    Oh. sorry about the large post I hope you guys don’t mind.

  225. Marquison 25 Feb 2011 at 8:23 am

    In the third paragraph it’s suppose to be ”his parents”

  226. Marquison 25 Feb 2011 at 8:43 am

    Again sorry about all the post .

    But while reading through the past post people have made I stumble onto a post written by Ragged Boy ( when I first heard the name I thouht of sack boy from LBP)

    Anyway, About Masquerade ( I don’t think thats correct) and Porcelin ( may not be correct either) I have an idea for you. What if you make it where they live in a sort of future based world. Where the Rich have prospered and the poor have been left to fend for themselves.

    This way Masquerade and Porcelin can team up ( maybe you dont like that) and take on a sort of robin hood approach. Steal from the Rich and give to the Poor. When I read the post you said you like heist storys.This way you can write about Masquerade and Porcelin robbing banks ( or whatever else ) for a sort of greater good.

    Also if you still want Porcelin to be the Sexy but Dangerous girl. You could make it where Masquerade comes from the poor and she comes from the rich.

    I know there are some holes. But I thought this was a Neat Idea. Seeing as it combines your interests.

  227. Marquison 25 Feb 2011 at 10:32 am


    I just wanted to let you guys know that DC universe online has come out recently.
    I dont know if you guys are into online games. But it looks really awesome.

  228. cool don 26 Feb 2011 at 6:48 am

    thanks it was a rough draft. i just wanted to know if it was quite good and original. Also what job do you think i could give him to distinguish between peter parker and him. i wanted a deviation from the normal super hero, so i decided not to give him powers just brains which usually annoy his friends because he usually forgets that they dont understand his technology talk, he also gets overconfident at times. He builds his own weapons that is why i gave his family ownership of a mechanical/electronic industry so he has the materials. The protagonist doesn’t particularly have a super hero costume, just sunglasses/goggles to protect his eyes from debris, kevlar “borrowed” from the police, and the use of a hood occasionally, but it will be stylishly designed so it will be noticeable among other comic books.
    any thing else you think i could add …

  229. cool don 28 Feb 2011 at 1:50 pm

    so what do you think…..
    any ideas

  230. Nicholas Caseon 28 Feb 2011 at 5:12 pm

    For his job, I’d prefer something less public. Maybe a literary agent (that’s a coincidence), an executive, ect. For the clothes I would steer clear of a special spandex costume. If it doesn’t help the hero (but if it does the villain should still have great advantage.) then it’s useless. Like comic book readers haven’t seen a spandex hero…

  231. B. Macon 28 Feb 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Maybe he’s something like a technical consultant. (Companies or individuals with unusual technological problems call him in to solve them). I think that would fit his technological background but would be a bit fresher and more varied than just being a scientist. Some possible cases that come to mind include:
    –Retrieve a stolen MacGuffin. (Depending on your plot interests, that might require figuring out who stole it, where he is, how it was stolen, and/or why it was stolen).
    –For whatever reason strikes your fancy, an antagonist interested in the protagonist’s scientific specialty targets him for death, kidnapping, blackmail, defenestration or whatever.
    –The police are stalled on a technologically-related case. He works the case as a private consultant (either for the police department or another interested party, perhaps a victim or a villain pretending to be a victim).
    –The police or military ask him to help design and/or test a maximum security prison or something else highly valuable. (Weapons, armor, vehicles, bioweapons/vaccines, a cure for Norwegianness, etc… anything that a villain would care about).

    “Maybe a literary agent (that’s a coincidence)…” Hmm. This would be an unexpected choice for a technologically savvy character that isn’t particularly literary, Nick. How would you tie in his work as a literary agent into his work as a superhero? (On the plus side, I do think it’d be pretty hilarious if there were a literary agent badass enough to fight crime and steal a vest from Johnny Law).

  232. Marquison 01 Mar 2011 at 6:38 am

    I was thinking and decided to make an actual Superhero story. So heres my characters origin. I like it but please post any ideas you may have. Thanks for Your Time.

    Matthew Schultz is at his parents workplace.His parents Steve Schultz and Diana Schultz work for a corporation that specializes in advanced technology. While looking at robot prototypes. An explosion somewhere in the building causes the building to start to collapse.Matthew and his parents are almost out of the building but his moms clothes get caught on piece of metal. Steve Schultz rushes to his wifes aid. He gets her free and as they are leaving a falling piece of debris hits him on the head knocking him out. Matthew( having disobeyed his fathers order to leave) grabs his father. Half carrying and half dragging he gets his parents to safety.

    Muscles aching, he thinks it’s all over. Then someone shouts that their daughter is still inside. Matthew goes into the building once again. The little girl is stuck under a piece of wood she tried to crawl under.Matthew gets the little girl and together they make to the first floor. A creaking sound from above where Matthew and the girl is standing.Makes Matthew push the girl to safety. The segment of the ceiling collapses onto Matthew. His vision starts to blur as he slowly slips into unconsciousness.He feels happy when he sees the little girls run into the arms of her crying mother.Thats the last thing he sees before he is fully consumed by darkness.

    Matthews parents use the technology from their company to create Cybernetic bones that they use to replace most of Matthews broken body with. During the surgery Matthews heart stops. His parents use a series of electrical shocks to start his heart. To their astonishment the cybernetics absorb the charges like giant batteries.

    This is how Matthew gets his abilites. His don’t tell him about the cybernetics. They say that his injuries weren’t as bad as he thought they were. The cybernetics provide him with a durability factor( his bones wont break as easily as they had before). Better Reflexes, and a minor speed enhancement( he can run faster and longer then he used to be able to)

    Please tell what you guys think.I’m also thinking about making it so that the boss of the corporation ( Mike Newman) has something to do with the explosion. That way he can test his new cybernetics on a person. Plus I want matthew to be in a group of Three. The others powers will be Telekinesis,and Hydrokinesis.

    These powers will also be a result of Newman Tech.( name of the corporation) The cybernetics will make it so the person can use the entire percentage of their brain. And the Hydrokinesis will be because of a suit that controls the atoms in liquids.

    Oh. sorry about the large post I hope you guys don’t mind.

  233. Marquison 01 Mar 2011 at 6:43 am

    Would it be a bad idea to write more than one story?

  234. B. Macon 01 Mar 2011 at 8:11 am

    More than one origin story or more than one novel or comic book?

    I don’t think multiple origin stories would be a problem, although the more origin stories you have, the less space you’ll be able to spend on each one.

    As for writing multiple novels or comic books at once… If at all possible, I’d highly recommend sticking to one and at least finishing a rough draft of the manuscript before moving on to another story. In my experience, In my experience, people that bounce around between several manuscripts rarely finish any, and you can only sell a finished manuscript.

  235. B. Macon 01 Mar 2011 at 8:55 am

    Hey, Marquis. I have a few thoughts and suggestions on your origin story.

    –I like that he’s active. (He was only injured enough to need cybernetic surgery because he disobeyed his parents’ orders to run and because he went back for the mother’s daughter).

    –It could be more distinct/memorable. For example, what’s he doing at the parent’s workplace when the accident happens? (One possibility is that they’re doing a major test and it goes haywire–I think that’d be more interesting than just sort of being at a routine day of work when something just happens to explode).

    –I like the idea that the boss rigs the explosion, but it seems like a pretty convoluted and messy/risky way to get a test patient for experimental surgery (compared to a legal alternative like calling up a hospital and seeing if anyone’s interested). One minor tweak would be making the the character’s powers chemical-based rather than cybernetic. The CEO is making chemicals that are illegal and highly dangerous, stuff you couldn’t test normally, and he rigs an explosion so that some people will be exposed to the gasses. (Plus, the explosion will destroy most of the evidence of the illegal chemicals and will give a plausible explanation if anything goes horribly wrong with the chemicals).

    –The mother shouting for someone to save her daughter feels a bit overdone and doesn’t fit this scene as well as, say, Spiderman responding to an apartment fire in the first Spiderman movie. (What’s a little girl doing in a tech lab?) One minor tweak would be (if you go with a chemical origin) replacing the little girl with one of the other two people that eventually join his team. He goes back to save her and they both get exposed to the chemicals.

    –I think it would help to give Matthew a chance to act more distinctly from other superhero protagonists at some point. I think 90%+ of protagonists would disobey the parents and go back for the girl. For the character to be more memorable, I think it’d help if he did something that most protagonists wouldn’t. For example, Peter Parker doesn’t try to stop the robber. The protagonist of the Hood gets his powers because he breaks into what he thinks is a diamond shipment. Static Shock goes to a gang-fight. Tony Stark takes a rather ill-advised trip to field-test a weapon in Afghanistan, whereas a less reckless character would probably send an assistant instead or do the field-test somewhere safer. Kickass tries to become a superhero before actually getting superpowers, gets beat into a coma, and has most of his bones replaced in ensuing surgeries.

  236. cool don 01 Mar 2011 at 10:12 am

    thanks i guess i can now reveal most of my details.
    The main character is Jason Blayze. he is a 15 yr old teenage boy.
    i was planning on naming the comic …”the Blazer” as in trail blazer.
    Even though his mom is the ceo of the industry, he is just like a normal boy of his age. he is an urban explorer (this is a reason for his agility and parkour skills). the only reason for him having an “alter ego” is not because of protecting loved ones, but to keep up his mother’s reputation. i like the idea of technical consultant. im also tuning down what kind of powers are in the comic book, such as fire generation and all those types that have no sound or believable origin. but there will still be quite some cool powers though.
    The name “Blazer” was given to him by a newscaster.
    what do you think about the name of the comic and characters… any ideas for it

  237. Nicholas Caseon 01 Mar 2011 at 1:59 pm

    I think the characters are fine, but we’ll need to see the actual writing before I can comment much more. Maybe post a part you’re having trouble with and we’ll help.


  238. Marquison 02 Mar 2011 at 7:16 am

    O.K. so you think he should do something an average character wouldnt do?

    I kinda invisioned him being reckless. you know, do things without thinking them through.

    And i think that the girl-with-telekinesis is really over used. Do you think it will be unrealistic if the chemical gets in her eyes and actually enhances her eyesight.
    That way she can be a sharpshooter with almost any gun related weapon. Almost assasin like.

    Oh!I just thought about a scene where ” The Boss” tries to collect his subjects by force after they decline a previous offer he made. Maybe he tries to bribe them, then he tries by force, finally he threatens their loved ones and they accept. This could lead to the bosses down fall seeing as his enemies are really close to him.

    Sound any good?

  239. cool don 02 Mar 2011 at 8:10 am

    thanks is it possible if i could get a page to show my writing

  240. B. Macon 02 Mar 2011 at 3:07 pm

    I like recklessness. You can use it to have him make some mistake during the accident. (For example, he keeps going back for people, oblivious to the strain on his body, and he gets the worst of it). I think that’d be a bit more memorable than recklessly running in without any negative consequences.

    I agree that the most prominent telekinetics (most notably the Invisible Woman and Jean Grey) tend to be women. Sharpshooting sounds like a potentially interesting alternative, although it may make the story feel more mature/gritty.

    The scene with the boss sounds okay. One potential way to tie it into the hero’s origin story would be to have one of the test subjects (perhaps the sharpshooter) secretly sabotage something to get back at The Boss. That sabotage could lead to the explosion.

  241. Nicholas Caseon 02 Mar 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Yes cool d, of course. I’ve been waiting to see your writing. B.Mac says I should review other people’s work anyways so yeah. I hop you can have it up by today.

  242. B. Macon 02 Mar 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Cool D, I’ve set it up for you here.

  243. cooldon 03 Mar 2011 at 10:57 am

    thanks ill be sure to show you before the end of the week. thanks so much

  244. Marquison 07 Mar 2011 at 6:50 am

    It seems that one of my problems with writing is that i have sooooo many ideas.
    I’ve been writing since 4th grade, and as I’ve grown up it’s become more and more difficult to finish a story.

    I read alot of books, and when I find an idea I find interesting, I write it down and then change almost everything until it feels original. I think thats why I have trouble sticking with one idea.

    Remember the story with Alvira? I had an idea that maybe she could be apart of an agency that hunts and kills ” Monsters” ( Vampires,Werewolves,Witches,Etc.)
    But the problem with that is B.Mac says that it wouldn’t be a good idea to write multiple stories.

    As for my New Story about Matthew Schultz I ran into a few problems.

    1. How would chemicals result in electricity manipulation?

    2. How would chemicals result in liquid manipulation?

    3. The way my plot is written should the chemical be just that, a chemical or a gas?

    Please help me! My brain is on overload and i think it just might explode.

  245. Marquison 07 Mar 2011 at 6:57 am

    You see with the original plot my characters powers would come from technology.

    Electricity- Bone emplants that absorb electricity

    Liquid Maniplulation- a sensory type suit that cant be removed from the body due to the fact that it fused to the skin.

    Assassin skills/ Enhanced sight- a sort of contact lens that is connected to all parts of the eye.

    But now I don’ know how i could make the chemical idea work.

  246. B. Macon 07 Mar 2011 at 8:22 am

    “How would chemicals result in electricity manipulation?” I don’t think there’s a wrong way to handle this, but if you like (pseudo-)scientific detail, you could talk about ionic discharge and/or make comparisons to eels. Eels create an electric current by opening an ion channel that briefly changes the charges in its electric cells. Alternately, human cells naturally produce electric currents, so you could say that the chemicals caused the person’s cells to generate stronger currents. Alternately, instead of bone implants that absorb electricity, perhaps the chemical changes the person’s blood and/or organs so that they store (and can release) a lot of electricity.

    Alternately, if you’re not a fan of scientific explanations, another approach would be eschewing them altogether. (Unless you’re writing hard sci-fi, A Mutagen Did It is sufficient).

    “How would chemicals result in liquid manipulation?” Not many options here. You can change water flow by changing the pressure, so perhaps the chemicals allow the person to use pressure to steer and accelerate the water by carefully “squeezing” it.*

    *Actually, I made all of that up. However, if it sounded believable to you, you could probably sell it to readers just as easily.

    “The way my plot is written should the chemical be just that, a chemical or a gas?” I think they’re very similar. The main difference is that it may be easier to expose the protagonists to a gas than an injected chemical. Also, if you’re interested in keeping the heroes’ identities secret for at least a little while, I think that a gas is easier to work with. I think it’d be hard to explain how anyone involved with the injections wouldn’t know about the superpowers).

  247. Marquison 08 Mar 2011 at 6:45 am

    “How would chemicals result in liquid manipulation?” Not many options here. You can change water flow by changing the pressure, so perhaps the chemicals allow the person to use pressure to steer and accelerate the water by carefully “squeezing” it.*

    *Actually, I made all of that up. However, if it sounded believable to you, you could probably sell it to readers just as easily.

    Hahaha! I’m going to use that. Thanks dude.

  248. Marquison 08 Mar 2011 at 6:36 pm

    I’m gonna post the scene where Matthew tries to save Trina and they both end up exposed to the gas/chemical. You guys ( By ” you guys” I mean B. Mac No One else seems to care) I would really appreciate HEAVY critque.If you don’t like something please tell me and give me DETAILED ways to improve my works thanks.

  249. Marquison 09 Mar 2011 at 7:16 am

    –Your synopsis introduces Marcus like he’s the main character, but he doesn’t seem like he has much of an effect on the plot. Alvira is the one chosen to do interesting things, so why lead with Marcus? What does he bring to the picture? For example, maybe he gets suspicious that something is up with the new kid and starts poking around and then gets himself embroiled in supernatural adventure. I think something like that would give him a more active role. (Just please give him something to do rather than wait for Alvira to draw him into the supernatural intrigue).

    Remember the story with Alvira? I had an idea that maybe she could be apart of an agency that hunts and kills ” Monsters” ( Vampires,Werewolves,Witches,Etc.)
    This way Marcus can maybe follow her one night or something and sees her slaying a beast.Because Alvira isn’t supose to be seen, she has no choice but to train him and use him as a parner.

    I think that would be a good way for Marcus to sort of bring himself into the story.

    Note* I am not writing this story yet but I Think it would be a good idea to have something to fall back on*

  250. Marquison 11 Mar 2011 at 6:50 am

    Hey Could I make a character with self density control? Do you think thats a good power.

  251. B. Macon 11 Mar 2011 at 7:17 pm

    What could the character do with self-density control? How useful would it be?

  252. HarleyQon 11 Mar 2011 at 9:05 pm

    Okay, I haz a bit of an issue. More like a LOT of an issue. I want to write a powerless hero’s origin story, without making it look like a Batman\Dead Parents kind of thing. Unfortunately, I want to make the origin story into the second chapter, because I’m using the first to pan out characters, and I’m almost to that point.

    Basically, there’s a vigilante in town (Haven’t come up with an Empire City name yet. The city is a mix of Gotham and Manhattan, though.) and the main character’s friend IS the vigilante. Second chapter he reveals it to her, because (Not trying to sound Mary Sue here) he’s either trying to impress her. I’m trying to think of a better reason, but as far as now, I have none.

    BTW: Hero’s names are:

    MC: Gala (Working on something better)
    SC: Fortis

  253. HarleyQon 11 Mar 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Oh, I also forgot to add that Fortis has telekinetic powers, and Gala does not, just to clear that up.

  254. Estheron 13 Mar 2011 at 11:11 am

    ‘ve got an issue with a creative writing story that I’ve come up with in my workshop:

    My creative writing story which I’m titling “Mask” [I credit Perry Moore for giving me inspiration for it.

    I’ve got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it (her parents were murdered via in cold blood by the main villian. Dad wanted to do a crime spre before he died. Had a heart attack thanks to the demonic dagger.)

    -Dad’s a reformed villian, Mom’s the Superhero.. ( the mom has the last three powers on the list, the dad only has flight . Don’t know how they recieved their abilities, yet. )

    Main heroine inherits powers of both parents which are:

    -Psychic invulnerability (re: Limited invulnerability [she can deflect bullets but not the villians’ red demonic dagger thing ]/ really fast healing)


    -Super strength

    -super reflexes and agility

    -And the occaisional spooky glowing eye thing (no heat comes out of it though.)

    -Works at a comic book store. Dorms with her girlfriend who’s also her lesbian lover and *gasp*actually the daughter of the villian.

    * Update: The Creative Writing story turned out to be a spoof on the superhero genre… I don’t know if that’s a good thing… The prof. (and the class) had a good laugh with it, though. ^_^

    The problem is I want the murder of the heroine’s parents to haunt her via ( All origin at first then seep into her at her l;aptop looking at hacked photos of vitims that the villian has killed. Same M.O. here. Villian can create weapons out of thin air (and a red haze) that can kill superheroes.

    -Another issue is that I don’t want this story to be a spoof on the superhero genre at all.

    -And it’s all told in first person, too.

    I’ve gotten recommendations from the professor to do it in third person or in a screenplay type format but I like using first person.

    Much help would be appreciated.

  255. Estheron 13 Mar 2011 at 11:11 am

    EDITED! (Sorry about that.)

    I‘ve got an issue with a creative writing story that I’ve come up with in my workshop:

    My creative writing story which I’m titling “Mask” [I credit Perry Moore for giving me inspiration for it.

    I’ve got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it (her parents were murdered via in cold blood by the main villian. Dad wanted to do a crime spre before he died. Had a heart attack thanks to the demonic dagger.)

    -Dad’s a reformed villian, Mom’s the Superhero.. ( the mom has the last three powers on the list, the dad only has flight . Don’t know how they recieved their abilities, yet. )

    Main heroine inherits powers of both parents which are:

    -Psychic invulnerability (re: Limited invulnerability [she can deflect bullets but not the villians’ red demonic dagger thing ]/ really fast healing)


    -Super strength

    -super reflexes and agility

    -And the occaisional spooky glowing eye thing (no heat comes out of it though.)

    -Works at a comic book store. Dorms with her girlfriend who’s also her lesbian lover and *gasp*actually the daughter of the villian.

    * Update: The Creative Writing story turned out to be a spoof on the superhero genre… I don’t know if that’s a good thing… The prof. (and the class) had a good laugh with it, though. ^_^

    The problem is I want the murder of the heroine’s parents to haunt her via ( All origin at first then seep into her at her l;aptop looking at hacked photos of vitims that the villian has killed. Same M.O. here. Villian can create weapons out of thin air (and a red haze) that can kill superheroes.

    -Another issue is that I don’t want this story to be a spoof on the superhero genre at all.

    -And it’s all told in first person, too.

    I’ve gotten recommendations from the professor to do it in third person or in a screenplay type format but I like using first person.

    Much help would be appreciated.

  256. B. Macon 13 Mar 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Some thoughts and suggestions…

    –“I’ve got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it…” Fair enough. What was her relationship with her parents like?

    –Based on what little I’ve seen so far, it feels to me like first-person would be a more natural fit for this. I think the first-person limitations would keep us focused more squarely on her view and her story.

    –If she’s a superhero, what’s the appeal of working in a comic book store?

    –I think it’d help if there were a reason that the girlfriend just happens to be the villain’s daughter. Otherwise I think it may feel contrived*. (For example, Peter Parker just happens to know a lot of people that become supervillains, but it sort of makes sense because he’s interested enough in science that he knows a lot of people on the cutting edge of scientific research.** Is there anything about your protagonist that causes her to meet her girlfriend? For example, perhaps the girlfriend met the protagonist at the comic book shop where the protagonist works).

    *If you initially wrote something that was a bit more spoofish but you want to make it more serious, one possibility would be removing the relationship between the girlfriend and the villain.

    **Along with being a New Yorker or a businessman, it is generally acknowledged that being interested in science correlates with supervillainy. (And superheroics). 😉

  257. Comicbookguy117on 13 Mar 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I know this thread is for discussing the origins of our characters, but I have a question about a recent chaaracter’s strength/motive for fighting crime. Ok, so we all have heard our parents say that they’d do anything for us, but they don’t normally get a chance to prove it. So I’m thinking that after this character gets powered, they come to the conclusion that the world is just too dangerous a place. They decide to fight crime and other forms of evil in order to raise their child in a worthwhile environment. I realise this motive may be simple or underwhemling but I really do think it fits with the character. So what do you guys think? I mean in regards to becoming a superhero, how extreme does a motive have to be?

  258. HarleyQon 13 Mar 2011 at 10:25 pm

    It depends on your character’s “breaking” point. I think in this case, it is no where NEAR underwhelming or simple. I actually like it and think it’s very new! X3
    In my vision, the motive fits the character’s personality.

    Hey, I’m no B. Mac, but I hoped this helped at least a bit! X3

    ~Harls, the semi-helpful

  259. Comicbookguy117on 14 Mar 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Thanks HarleyQ, it did help. I always find it helpful to talk to others about my idead, see what thery think. Maybe thay can offer a different perspective, or maybe they can tell me that what I’ve got already is good. I just like to talk to people, you knoiw?

  260. Ghoston 14 Mar 2011 at 7:25 pm

    I agree with HarleyQ, I think its a great motive and has great potential. If you use that motive then you have at least 2 options, that I can think of, for developing a good emotional plot. You could have your superhero parent be driven to the brink of villiany in their quest to give their child the best world possible. At which point, they could either come back from the brink at the last moment, or go over the edge. If they go over the edge, you could also use the child (possibly as a superhero themself) to stop the parent or try to redeem them. Kind of like luke skywalker and vader. Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like a great idea.

  261. Comicbookguy117on 14 Mar 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Thanks a lot Ghost, I never would’ve thought about doing anything like that with her. That’s a really interesting idea. Wow, that really did just give me a lot to think about, thanks again Ghost.

  262. A.C. Spudnickon 14 Mar 2011 at 8:52 pm

    Comicbookguy, I think that your whole vision is unique and extremely promising. If you want to be sure that your character has enough drive, you could add in examples of why they believe that the world needs to be purged of evil. Maybe something like the classic bad childhood, or the character could have had a close friend that o’d…ed (how on earth do you spell that version of overdose????) Just… Don’t use that 2nd one. I have dibs.*

    Following up on what Ghost said, I think that this concept would be an awesome supervillian background. While starting off with decent, respectable motivation, the character’s vision of right and wrong slowly becomes twisted and deformed until they, once idolized, are outcasted by society. I think that this would really make the villain seem more relatable to readers. [Unless, of course your targeted audience is (are? I’m so indecisive…) sociopaths. Then you should hop aboard the Joker train.]

    *I originally typed this awesome paragraph, but then I pasted something weird over it (stupid apple…), so you’ll just have to deal with a summary.

  263. Comicbookguy117on 15 Mar 2011 at 10:44 am

    I really appreciate all the input guys. You really helped me a lot. I’m developing this character quite nicely. So thanks again HarleyQ, Ghost and A.C. Spudnick you guys are awesome.

  264. ealperinon 15 Mar 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Some thoughts and suggestions…

    –”I’ve got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it…” Fair enough. What was her relationship with her parents like?

    –Based on what little I’ve seen so far, it feels to me like first-person would be a more natural fit for this. I think the first-person limitations would keep us focused more squarely on her view and her story.

    –If she’s a superhero, what’s the appeal of working in a comic book store?

    –I think it’d help if there were a reason that the girlfriend just happens to be the villain’s daughter. Otherwise I think it may feel contrived*. (For example, Peter Parker just happens to know a lot of people that become supervillains, but it sort of makes sense because he’s interested enough in science that he knows a lot of people on the cutting edge of scientific research.** Is there anything about your protagonist that causes her to meet her girlfriend? For example, perhaps the girlfriend met the protagonist at the comic book shop where the protagonist works).

    *If you initially wrote something that was a bit more spoofish but you want to make it more serious, one possibility would be removing the relationship between the girlfriend and the villain.

    **Along with being a New Yorker or a businessman, it is generally acknowledged that being interested in science correlates with supervillainy. (And superheroics).

    Thanks. I actually rethought (and scrapped) the heroine-working-in-a- comic-book -store thing and instead I’m making her a metahuman coroner.

    .** Is there anything about your protagonist that causes her to meet her girlfriend? For example, perhaps the girlfriend met the protagonist at the comic book shop where the protagonist works).

    Yeah, they met in college, found out they go to the same comic shop for comic books and they hit it off from there.

    The villian ends up being the father of the heroine’s girlfriend because he actually kills the heroine’s mother and (father [because he wanted to go on a crime spree before he dies].)

    The villian kills the heroine’s girlfriend’s/ Katy here- stepmother after she give birth. The stepfather’s a cop (a detective acutally. Came back too late. The villian leaves an anon tip at the PD. )… ( I was trying to put in the whole demonic “succbus” issue in there somewhere.)

    *If you initially wrote something that was a bit more spoofish but you want to make it more serious, one possibility would be removing the relationship between the girlfriend and the villain.

    OH! Thanks!!! So I should scrap the villian-has-a-daughter-who-is-actually-the-heroine’s-girlfriend bit? If I’m getting this right.

  265. ealperinon 15 Mar 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Fair enough. What was her relationship with her parents like?

    Dad’s a reformed Supervillian who’s itching to do some mayhem before he dies (secretly, of course). Mom’s the Superhero. The Dad’s an alcoholic. The Mom’s the hardcase/ strict one in the family.

  266. B. Macon 15 Mar 2011 at 8:19 pm

    “So I should scrap the villain-has-a-daughter-who-is-actually-the-heroine’s-girlfriend bit? If I’m getting this right.” It’s an option. If the story’s serious, the villain’s-daughter-as-girlfriend angle may be a liability, unless there’s a really good reason. (For example, if the girlfriend has fallen for her because she knows about her superheroic work*, it’d totally make sense… But just randomly falling for someone that secretly happens to be your dad’s nemesis is not the height of seriousness).

    *For example, she may be trying to get back at her father, or she might be genuinely impressed by the superheroic work, or she might be trying to keep tabs on the hero for her father, etc.

    The coroner option sounds interesting. I think it’d create a lot of plot opportunities and I haven’t seen a superhero coroner before.

    “What was her relationship with her parents like? Dad’s a reformed Supervillian who’s itching to do some mayhem before he dies (secretly, of course). Mom’s the Superhero. The Dad’s an alcoholic. The Mom’s the hardcase/ strict one in the family.” Hmm. And how do these things affect her relationship with her parents? (I can sort of infer that a daughter would have some issues with an alcoholic father and a hardcase mother, but it could be so many things that it’d be helpful for me to have some particulars).

  267. A.C. Spudnickon 15 Mar 2011 at 8:20 pm

    For my the origin story of one of my heroes, I’m trying to think of an interesting way to cause blindness that doubles as a realistic (If there is such a thing) way to obtain superpowers. Any suggestions? My brain is low on creativity right about now.

    In my story, the main character reads about high-schoolers overdosing on the very same drugs he was unwillingly supplying to a dealer. Once he finally musters up the courage to stand against the dealer’s threats against him, the drug dealer hires several men to uphold his reputation by putting the main character in the hospital using whatever creative way they choose, i.e., permanently blinding the man. (If all goes as planned, blindness will only be the first side effect of the damage.

    Naturally, I couldn’t find too much information on drug dealers on my own, aside from the obvious. I’m just a little worried it sounds more like something mafia relations than those of a average drug dealer. So, does it sound at all realistic?

  268. B. Macon 15 Mar 2011 at 8:38 pm

    “I’m trying to think of an interesting way to cause blindness that doubles as a realistic (If there is such a thing) way to obtain superpowers.”

    A few possibilities:
    –The character has been blinded by the drug dealers* and undergoes an experimental procedure or treatment to cure the blindness. For whatever reason (such as the extent of the damage), the procedure fails to cure the blindness but gives him superpowers.
    –The blindness and superpowers come from a scientific accident (like a chemical spill or something).
    –The character gets blinded and the way he deals with his blindness impresses someone enough that he gets picked for superpowers and/or superpowered training.

    *This strikes me as totally plausible, by the way. Drug-dealing is a serious business. Indeed, if someone sees you committing a really serious/violent crime, blinding him might be the least brutal way to ensure that he can’t pick you out of a police lineup. (The protagonist might have started following the dealer around after his friend overdosed, maybe trying to catch something illegal on a camera).

  269. A. C. Spudnickon 16 Mar 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Thanks, B. Mac. This website has helped me a lot with all of my writing. I’m having a lot of success in writing my story, and the writing tips have helped me a lot with any roadblocks that I run into.

  270. Marquison 19 Mar 2011 at 6:15 pm

    I have a new story idea. The story is called Scarred Reality. Its about a group of teenagers that are constantly pulled into a different world. The world is created by one of the teenagers because he is constantly being bullied at school and home is no better.

    A strange man offers the teenager a way to escape it all. Saying that his mind can be his release.The man goes on to say how the boy will have complete control of the world and that he can stay in the world as long as he likes. The boy – although really thrilled- doesn’t completely believe the man. And it is at this time that the man helps the boy to “mold” the world of his desires.

    The man needed the mind of a person to create the world. A problem later on in the story is that the man has more control of the world than the boy was lead to believe.
    And at some point I plan on making the man gain complete control of the world.

    Notes** The boy is not the main character i just thought that telling his story would be easier to explain how the Scarred Reality was created.

    Another thing is the boy can not create things out of nowhere. Hmm how to explain…. Ok The boy can only create so much. With each thing he creates he gets really tired and after a while he could lose his ability to return to the real world. I plan on making The Man create the hordes of monsters and making the boy create the sort of “Boss Monsters”

    The man can create things in the world as well but his creations are not as strong as the orginal creator of the Scarred Reality.( Well not until he gains complte control)

    As for the other characters I want them all to be connected somehow to the Creator Of The Scarred Reality.( If you have any ideas they would be greatly appriciated)

    I am also making the characters that get pulled into the world have some sort of powers that they can use to engage the monsters. But I want them to have to unlock their abilites which can only happen in certain circumstances.This depends on the person. For example if you are a good friend you can unlock your powers by protecting your friends, or if you’re a hot-headed type of person you can unlock your powers by getting really mad, or if you are a scared type of person maybe you get your powers when you get extremely terrified. ( EXOTIC POWERS NEEDED)

    Please tell me some of your ideas and what you guys think.

  271. B. Macon 19 Mar 2011 at 8:26 pm

    –I think there may be a more original way to introduce the supernatural element than a conversation between the boy and the strange man. For example, perhaps the boy starts experiencing his fantasy world in small glimpses and only gradually comes to understand that what he’s experiencing isn’t just your usual dream. I think it’d be okay if we found out later that the strange man gave him the ability to create this reality.

    –What are the characters’ main goals like? Unless the boy picked the protagonists (either consciously or subconsciously) because they were just as disillusioned/unhappy as he was, I imagine that at least one of them will want to get home right the hell now. (I’m sort of struggling to come up with a group goal that isn’t finding a way back). One possibility would be a conflict between the group (trying to get back) and the boy (trying to preserve his fantasy world even though it’s sort of sucked in several people). The boy might even be an intermediate antagonist–they only gradually come to realize that they need to work together to stop the mysterious man.

    –One minor point of caution: “Real-world young adults enter imaginary world” is an extremely well-traveled premise. You will have to work really hard to make your fantasy world feel fresh. (Also, the teens, but hopefully that’s obvious).

    –Under these circumstances, I’d recommend a relatively small group of protagonists (Something like 3 + the world’s creator if the creator is a semi-antagonist or maybe 2 + the world’s creator if they form a group pretty quickly after entering the fantasy world). A smaller cast of protagonists will help you flesh out the characters beyond stereotypical caricatures (the nerd, the jock, the cheerleader, the Goth, whatever).

    –“[They] unlock their abilites which can only happen in certain circumstances.This depends on the person. For example if you are a good friend you can unlock your powers by protecting your friends, or if you’re a hot-headed type of person you can unlock your powers by getting really mad…” Hmm, I’d be careful with this. If this is executed poorly, the worst-case scenario would be that the characters come off as too one-dimensional to feel believable. For example, the angry character getting really angry would probably feel a lot like the Hulk. There may be more organic/smooth ways to tie a character’s superpowers into his key personality traits. For example, how they use their superpowers or the quests they have to complete to attain their superpowers. For example, both Heroes’ Sylar and the Invisible Woman have telekinetic/force-projection powers, but the Invisible Woman uses hers to keep the team alive and Sylar is a serial killer that uses his to decapitate his victims and access their brains. (He doesn’t eat the brains, though. “That would be gross”*).

    *I love Sylar.

  272. Frightningon 22 Mar 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I have a superhero story that I am writing and I want to know how solid my concnept is. This story involves most of my characters that are known to my world as ‘The Altered’. They have undergone some sort of genetic engineering treatment and are still considered human…just different. The process is safe and relatively affordable for the masses.

    Procedures can range from curing medical problems, to body augmentations, and then to the most extreme actually bestowing superhuamn characteristics and pwoers. Now, first to note about the latter is, they cannot give you any power. They do not have the knowledge or technology to give someone Superman’s powers. Another obstacle would be ethics. They wouldn’t give out powers to anyone who could not pass their psychological examinations.

    as for the actual procedure, you are injected with a retro virus that carries the desired gene inside of it. And it infects a blood cell, copying the gene into the cell. Like all viruses do, the infected cell infects other and slowly the gene gets worked into every call in the patient’s body. Different alteration, require different dispersal and recovery times. The more complex the alteration the longer it takes for the patient’s body to recover.

    So, please be honest when you ask your questions and give me your feedback.

  273. B. Macon 22 Mar 2011 at 9:18 pm

    “they cannot give you any power. They do not have the knowledge or technology… They wouldn’t give out powers to anyone who could not pass their psychological examinations.” Who are “they?” (At first glance, I thought it was the Altered, but presumably it’s not everybody that gets these operations that decides who else gets these operations–Is there some sort of organization giving out these powers?).

    One possibility for conflict would be that there’s someone else distributing superpowers a lot more loosely. Alternately, perhaps an antagonist got superpowers after passing the psych exams (perhaps by faking his answers or because he subsequently went insane after some trauma happened). Alternately, you mentioned that some operations have a longer recovery time than others, so perhaps the trauma was that the operation was unusually intense or there was some complication that caused the villain to lose it. If there was a surgical mistake, I think it’d be really plausible that the villain holds it against them.

    Another possibility for conflict would be that the organization giving out these operations has only gradually come to realize how careful it has to be. Perhaps it wasn’t so careful with its first generation of operations and there are a significant of people running around with superpowers that really shouldn’t have them.

    Alternately, an egalitarian antagonist might resent that there’s this organization deciding who is worthy of powers and who isn’t. (Those elitists!) He might try to counter that by giving out powers to everybody. (His goal may or may not be to empower psychopaths, but that probably would be a side-effect).

  274. Frightningon 23 Mar 2011 at 5:13 am

    I’m sorry B. Mac; I did forget to mention the organization that does these genetic operations is a corporation named, GenoTech. People pay them to for the procedures they undergo physical and psychological examinations by highly trained professions…but I can’t decide if it would better if these professional were inside the organization or are hired from the outside. However, once you pass these exams GenoTech then performs the genetic alterations.

    That first note of conflict helped me iron out a place for one of my most treasured characters. His name is Jeremy Young, but later goes by Prizm after he is illegally altered with the ability to telekinetically manipulate glass. I always envisioned him as a violent psychopath and never could figure out what pushed him over that edge. But due to the sheer complexity and the painful physical and mental alterations made by this ability in him…he becomes aggressive and distant, which turns into violent and callous. But tell me…is that too predictable and clichéd? If so, how could I make it my own?

    Your second note of conflict is good, but I don’t see it working in my world. You see I wanted my world to be relatively realistic. So these genetic engineering procedures would have taken decades to make safe enough for public use. So, the first generation of common people getting these alterations would be either dead of very old. That being said, I had the thought of having people at GenoTech whose job it was to create new and different genes to alter people with and give the customers more options. These new genes could have complications…so your suggestion about someone going insane after being altered could still work for me.

    The third note of conflict I’m very interested in. I’ll have to give that one some thought. Do you have any suggestions for to start with?

  275. ealperinon 23 Mar 2011 at 7:47 am

    “…..So I should scrap the villain-has-a-daughter-who-is-actually-the-heroine’s-girlfriend bit? If I’m getting this right.” It’s an option. If the story’s serious, the villain’s-daughter-as-girlfriend angle may be a liability, unless there’s a really good reason. (For example, if the girlfriend has fallen for her because she knows about her superheroic work*, it’d totally make sense… But just randomly falling for someone that secretly happens to be your dad’s nemesis is not the height of seriousness).

    *For example, she may be trying to get back at her father, or she might be genuinely impressed by the superheroic work, or she might be trying to keep tabs on the hero for her father, etc.”

    The Girlfriend has fallen for the Superheroine and is genuinely impressed by her doing the right thing….but she isn’t keeping tabs on her for her dad. She’s the one that actually kills him. via lost memories resurfacing= big time hate for the villian/father

    “…The coroner option sounds interesting. I think it’d create a lot of plot opportunities and I haven’t seen a superhero coroner before.”

    I’ll try to keep that in. Just having a bit of trouble since I don’t know much on medical terminology and scientific mumbo-jumbo (using the latter for power origins).^_^

    “What was her relationship with her parents like? Dad’s a reformed Supervillian who’s itching to do some mayhem before he dies (secretly, of course). Mom’s the Superhero. The Dad’s an alcoholic. The Mom’s the hardcase/ strict one in the family.” Hmm. And how do these things affect her relationship with her parents? (I can sort of infer that a daughter would have some issues with an alcoholic father and a hardcase mother, but it could be so many things that it’d be helpful for me to have some particulars).”

    I’m trying to make the story like this: the mother finds out her husband was secretly involved with the villian (i.e. giving him the formulas for creating specific super-abilities.) Villian kills the mother becauses she finds out too much. (Father got his electrical powers by accident. [chemicals]. Mother’s origins I’ll probably leave a mystery, for now. {I’m guessing she’ll be a bit like Superman minus some of the tropes. She’s a investigator. Dad reformed and became a Creative Writing professor. wears a tweed jacket. Might make him British. Mother’s possibly Italian.})

  276. ealperinon 23 Mar 2011 at 7:49 am

    Wait…I screwed something up: The mother’s the professor and the dad’s the investigator. He’s still British, though.

  277. B. Macon 23 Mar 2011 at 10:44 am

    “Just having a bit of trouble since I don’t know much on medical terminology and scientific mumbo-jumbo…” One technique that may be helpful there is having her talk frequently to laymen characters. For example, if she’s a coroner working on a criminal case, she could present her theories/findings to a police officer. If she were talking to a layman, it’d be believable if she toned down the jargon. (If she ever gets asked to testify as an expert witness at a trial, she better tone down the jargon! 😉 ).

    If there are scenes where a strong grasp of medical jargon is necessary to sound believable, I’d recommend checking out a reference book like “Murder and Mayhem: A Doctor Answers Medical and Forensic Questions for Mystery Writers.” Its 13 reviews on Amazon average 5 stars.

  278. ealperinon 23 Mar 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Thanks, B. Mac!

    I’ll try to see what I can come up with. Thanks for the link!

  279. ealperinon 23 Mar 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Any articles that you can help me with that isn’t in book form on Amazon? (ex: links to articles or blogs)

  280. B. Macon 23 Mar 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Sorry, Ealperin, I haven’t been able to find any solid articles or blogs about writing medical characters (or medical fiction or medical drama/thrillers/whatever else I could think of). I found this largely useless post on Associated Content. I suspect the book would be more useful than anything else I’ve found on the subject because 1) It’s written by someone who might plausibly know what he’s talking about*, 2) its reviews on Amazon are glowing and 3) It’s specifically written for writers.

    Another approach that might be effective would be reading a few blogs by coroners, but I don’t think that’d be as helpful as an introduction written for writers. (For example, my county’s coroner has a blog, but it’s a lot more about medical information for the public than about the work of a coroner).

    Another approach would be a book you could probably find in a library or, failing that, extremely cheap used. For example, a used copy of Deadhouse: Life in the Coroner’s Office is selling for 36 cents + shipping on Amazon. (One review: “As a physician, I usually steer clear of medical books or TV shows, as they are typically all drama, no reality. However, a friend gave me this book, and I was really surprised — it is an accurate account of ‘life’ in the morgue, but told in a truly compellng manner. It was easy for me to empathize with the characters, especially the new interns, as I remember my first moments in medical school when I first dealt with death.”)

  281. Ealperinon 27 Mar 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Sounds good. I’ll check if the college library has it. I’ve got an issue though about my MC: I want her origin story to kick off by saying that she discovers thisability to see flashes of her mom’s life as she’s dead and lying on her lap Problem is I don’t know how the mom ends up having her abilities. The dad has the seeing death thing and shoots electricity from his fingertips. The MC has all of her mom’s abilities plus that freaky ability to see the dead’s life before her eyes. She has the electricity thing but doesn’t use it often enough. I don’t want to end up doing a trope of Superman’s origin story for the mom..trying to do something different with her…

  282. B. Macon 28 Mar 2011 at 1:09 am

    The ability to see flashes of her mother’s life strikes me as a bit mystical*. Have you thought about a more fantasy origin for her? (EG: Magic, artifacts, receiving magical enhancement and/or blessing, being a member (or half-member) of a fantasy species, anything with spirits/ghosts, etc).

    *I guess you could cover it in a more sci-fi direction–maybe she’s a psychic whose powers somehow home in on the mental stresses caused by death? I didn’t get much of a psychic vibe off of her, though.

  283. Ealperinon 28 Mar 2011 at 10:17 am

    I thought of a mystical half- species but yeah it’s more of a psychic thing that hones into “mental stresses of death”.

  284. Marquison 29 Mar 2011 at 5:39 am

    Hey guys, I have a brother. He’s trying to write a story about kids with powers ( sorta like x-men) I keep telling him he shouldnt use the word mutants. As a word meaning kids with powers please tell him why he won’t believe me if i say it. Thanks

  285. B. Macon 29 Mar 2011 at 7:34 am

    Well, some stories with genetic-based superpowers (like Heroes) avoid the M-word like the plague to avoid raising unfavorable comparisons to the X-Men, but I don’t think it’s a problem along the lines of “Marvel will sue you if you call your characters mutants.” At least, they didn’t sue over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which was made into a comic book series more than a decade after the X-Men debuted.

    Unless he’s trying to get professionally published, I’m inclined to think “mutants” is fine enough.

    If he is trying to get professionally published, I think the term would put pressure on his writing to distinguish itself from the X-Men. I think that’s surmountable, though–one of the protagonists in my proposed comic book, The Taxman Must Die, is a mutant alligator and I think I distinguished my series from the TMNT. (Mine is an action-comedy about two cops rather than straight-up ninja action and the main protagonist is a human accountant without any comparable character in TMNT).

    PS: I have previously written a comment about how to write a superhero team without making it sound like the X-Men. He might like that.

  286. ealperinon 29 Mar 2011 at 7:36 am

    Update: I’m definitely having the dad doing something genetic/scientific involving superhero powers. (btw, his supervillian name is Madman because he’s a genius at manipulating people’s minds. 🙂 He has a run it with the main villian once he’s in jail. He knows the wife’s secret origin and uses it to get out of jail and join an elite squad of retired (and reformed) villians doing the right thing. The villian is a “Power Broker” type of mobster guy. i.e. he gives people warped versions of super powers [the dad doesn’t want the formula in the wrong hands so he screws it up for the villian.] and they in turn go nuts and die.)

  287. ealperinon 29 Mar 2011 at 7:39 am

    ergo, that’s where the MC kicks in. But she works at a metahuman coroner’s place hidden under the main building.

  288. Marquison 29 Mar 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Hey B.Mac Thanks for the post with my brother. He didnt read all of it just the first paragraph. Sorry He’s a little short-sighted.

    Anyway I was thinking ( like i always do) about all the storys that i have started. I’m kinda stuck on which story to write. I’m not sure if you remeber the story with Matthew Schultz. ( If not i’ll post something) But its between the schultz story and a new idea i’ve been kinda toying with and dwelling on. The story is about a special agency that hunts destroys. or captures Cryptids. (Cryptids are mysterious creatures that some believe to exsist in real life.) In the story a boy follows a mysterious girl( yea i got this from a post you suggested) at night. he sees the girl fighting a dangerous looking beast. Before he can escape the beast rushes at him but the girl defends him.

    Somehow they defeat the monster and the boy realizes that no matter how much he tries he can’t seem to get away from the girl or the monsters that seem to be appearing more and more frequently.

    This isnt the whole story overview but i dont want to overload you with information. The point of this entire post is to see which one you thought was better.

    So i’d appreciate any feedback

  289. B. Macon 29 Mar 2011 at 8:52 pm

    “Sorry, he’s a little short-sighted.” Haha, I’m the one with a political science degree. If I could paraphrase someone wittier than I am, nobody sets out to earn a poli-sci degree–it’s something you wake up with and wonder “where the hell did I go so wrong?” It’s like a tattoo of an ex-girlfriend, but you’ll be paying for it longer.

    Okay, here’s what I remember about your Matthew Schultz story. Please feel free to correct or clarify. Matthew’s parents are scientific geniuses and their evil boss sabotages one of their experiments. Matthew gets badly injured while trying to rescue somebody and gets some superpowers from cybernetic surgery. That sounds like a workable story, although it doesn’t yet have the “zing” that I think would set it apart from the pack. (For example, the main character doesn’t feel memorable yet and I don’t remember anything about the conflict besides “the boss is a bad person,” which suggests to me that either I should start taking ginkgo supplements or his motivations/goals could be a bit more lively/memorable).

    As for your second work, with the boy, the girl and the monsters, it sort of reminds me of a sci-fi version of your third story, the one where Marcus is a regular student that discovers that Alvira is secretly a queen of a fantasy realm. I think the idea of an occult agency, while somewhat cliched, is much less cliche than the premise of kids from the “real world” entering a fantastic realm. The protagonist doesn’t come across as very interesting/memorable yet, but I think that will at least partially subside as I get to learn more about him. (For example, who’s this mysterious girl and why is he following her? What’s he like?)

    Of the two, I feel like the second has more promise*, but obviously you should write what you feel more comfortable with. A 70,000+ word novel is a LONG slog.

    *I’ve read some works about occult investigators, like Odd Squad, Dresden Files, some Lovecraftian horror, and BPRD/Hellboy, but generally this “teen gets drawn into sci-fi/paranormal adventure” feels a bit less done to me than “teen gets drawn into superhero adventure,” which has been heavily mined. In both cases, I think the book will succeed or fail based on how interesting the protagonist(s) is and the execution of the adventure, but I think the superhero would be under more pressure to stand out.

  290. Cool don 30 Mar 2011 at 9:44 am

    Hi marquis,
    Yea I wanted to tell you that I prefer your Mathew schultz story (I think its because I’m not a fan of magical things a lot) I was also able to relate to it better. The one about the cryptids, for some unfathomable reason it reminded me of the manga, naruto, which has now become very repetitive.
    I also think you should move out of “how to write origin stories” page and maybe get a review forum to get you focused on a particular story, kinda like you waking up one morning and quitting your job to focus on your long time dream of becoming a masseur.*
    PS. Thats a stupid example needed to come up with something.

    -Cool d

  291. Marquison 30 Mar 2011 at 11:59 am

    Wow. I think i should explain the cryptid story a bit more. I don’t wont it to feel like some magical world. In fact i planned on them being in the real world not some fantasy place.(My brother marquel is into that type of stuff)

    B.Mac- The Cryptid story is a sort of spinoff of the other story I had planned on writing.I had got the idea from a comment you had made about the boy following the girl. After a bit more thought i thought about a sort of graphic fight scene type of story that focuses on the fights but also other problems the character may face that doesnt have anything to do with the agency. But mainly I had an excellent thought about weapons and cryptids drawings to show you guys the visuals. Also I felt like the second story was more original than the Matthew Schultz story.

    Cool d- With the Matthew Scultz story it was a kind of in it but then not in it type of situation where I would write a bit read it and like it. Read it again not like it. post it get feedback and then like it again. But then I started to think that readers would really enjoy the fact that the protagonist had common teenage problems along with a bit of action and some romance.

    In the end I think I’ll Do The Matthew Schultz Story do to the fact that i’ve given the story more thought and know exactly how the charcters will act and feel thanks you guys.

    P.S. How can i get a review forum.

  292. Marquison 30 Mar 2011 at 12:03 pm

    P.s.s Does B.mac stand for Big Mac? Sorry irrelevent I know

  293. Cool don 30 Mar 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Just ask bmac
    And no b.mac doesn’t stand for big mac.

  294. B. Macon 30 Mar 2011 at 1:19 pm

    It stands for my first name, which is not Big. 😉 Or Bodacious, even though that describes me better. (Brian, but the password on my scripts is brian)

  295. Marquison 30 Mar 2011 at 2:57 pm

    About the review forum?? Brandon Mac Brian Mac thats what it is Brian Mac

  296. Marquison 01 Apr 2011 at 10:15 am

    no one ever said how i could get my review forum…. i understand if you’re busy.

  297. Cool don 01 Apr 2011 at 11:40 am

    Just ask bmac for one. Hes busy just ask him though I’d like to see yor work.
    Also check out my review forum, I’d like to know what you think.

  298. Marquison 01 Apr 2011 at 1:08 pm

    will do

  299. Lexon 04 Apr 2011 at 10:57 pm

    Hey I’ve commented here before but it’s been a while m things change so here’s my new story idea basically an evolved version of my original idea so please let me know what you think and it’s actually an idea for a series tv or comic or something. But anyways yea leg me know what you think anyone.

    The story revolves around two teens. Max a young teen whose mother was killed by a demon when he was very young. After being saved by Tyro, a member of a team of warriors who hunt demons and monsters known as the Blight Knights, he is trained by him to also become a knight. After his first few adventures young Max decides to move to Spring City with his aunt at his mothers request.

    Zane is the second main character. His origin is he was just 5 years old when he was adopted by a nice family. As he grew older he began to realize he was different. His anger and dark thoughts would make him strong. When he was 10 years old after a fight with his parents his anger gets the best of him and he unleashes a powerful shadow blast killing them both. Xander a demon takes him in and teaches him to use and harnest his power.

    Now the first chapter(or episode not sure yet) begins 5 years after Maxs training with Tyro now 15 he is living a pretty normal life in Spring City. He’s got his girlfriend Adriene and best friend Jace. His class takes a field trip to the local museum where a recently discovered artifact is being shown to the public forthe first time. At the museum Jace bumps into a man in a big jacket and realizes he is hiding a big sword under it. But nobody believes him. During the presentation of the artifact the man summons up a big doglike demon who reams havoc. As everyone escapes Max fights the monster as his former mentor arrives and fights off the coated man. Max is able to kill the beast and Tyro orders him to grab the artifact (a veil wwith a weird red crest on it). Max makes his way to it and runs off with it but the coated man who reveals himself to be Lix an old friend now working for an evil team of demons known as Vexens Hand escapes Tyro and heads after Max.
    Max running through the rooftops is chased by Lix. The crest on the veil begins to react to Max. It glows red and comes of the veil and enters Max his eyes begin to glow red. He then sees visions or flashes of an older man who looks like an older version of Max. In the vissions the man fights of dark powerful warrior using a mysterious big red sword with a crest like the one on the veil. Max the reawakens from the visions and finds himself holding the sword from the vission.
    Lix catches up to Max and they fight above the city and using the swords new power Max fights Lix off who escapes. Max heads home putting the veil under his bed. He and Tyro then meet up and Tyro tells Max that the veils holds the essence of the dark demon lord known as Vexens. Using the veil Vexens could be brought back to life. The mAn Max saw in his vision was Fierro Maxs father he never met who using the red sword known as the Lexicon ( strong sword created by the supreme guardians) defeated Vexens and trapped his essence in the veil. Fierro was last seen a week before m
    Max was born. He was fighting Vexens and both were sucked into a portal both believed to have died there. Now it seems he may be alive somewhere.
    Meanwhile Larry a classmate of Maxs witnessed most of the battle at the museum and sneaks into Maxs house and finds the veil and takes it.
    Maxs aunt sees him leaving and calls and tells Max what she saw. Max and Tyro head to find Larry and find him held by Lix above Spring City. Max attacks but quickly realizes controlling the Lexicon is gonna take some training he accident breaks the veil releasing Vexens essence into the city. Angry Lix escapes dropping Larry to his death but Larry easily survives the fall. Tyro concludes that since the proper spell was not done Vexens won’t be back but those who are touched by his essence will be changed.
    Max decides it’s up to him to find all those infected and re- collect the essence before Vexens Hand does. The last scene would show Larry transforming into a mostrous thing.

  300. Danion 04 Apr 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Hey Lex. It sounds like a good idea – have you ever heard of ]Vecna’s Hand? Go down to the artifacts area. That might confuse some people who are used to it with the Vexens Hand.

    I do like the ending – a not happy one which leaves room for further expansion. This would be a YA story right?

  301. Lexon 05 Apr 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Thanks for the input dani but in my story Vexens Hand is the name of a team idk maybe ur right I’ll change it also um whats a ya story????

  302. B. Macon 05 Apr 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Some thoughts and suggestions:

    –YA is short for “young adults.” In novel-publishing, the YA genre encompasses readers ~12-18.

    –If your aim is to get this professionally published/aired, I’d recommend being extra-careful on your proofreading when you write your pitch and any sample episodes. (For example, “Max a young teen whose mother was killed by a demon when he was very young” is a run-on sentence). I’ve only seen a few TV scripts and proposals in my life, but none of them had ANY typos.

    –I’d recommend developing the protagonists’ personalities a bit more. I think Zane is a bit more interesting in that regard.

    –What’s the target audience for this? Based on the age of the characters and it being an action cartoon, I’d guess that the target audience is probably something like ~10-15 year old guys. (In the US, there are pretty few cartoons aimed at adult viewers, and most of them are either comedies or Japanese imports). If so, I think it might be too mature for Zane to kill his parents. Or, if he does kill them, maybe handle it very gently. Some relatively dark series for younger viewers do get away with fairly tame deaths—for example, Batman: The Animated Series killed Robin’s parents off-camera and Justice League’s Dr. Destiny killed several nameless victims off-camera. (Justice League also had Lex Luthor throw a gorilla out of an airlock into deep space, but instead of the rated-R body-turns-inside-out gorefest that realistically would have been, there was no sign on camera that it was any more harmful than getting picked up by a really strong wind).

    –If you did this as a comic book, it might help to age it up a bit. The core audience for Western comics is men aged 18-30. The material is not kiddy, which I think would be a plus for comics. However, it might be a bit easier to sell it to prospective comic readers if the protagonists were ~18 rather than ~15. 15 would be a good fit for a cartoon show, though.

    –The premise, “Ordinary teens get drawn into a world of supernatural adventure,” is very well-traveled, particularly in cartoons/anime. I think it would really help to differentiate your story from works with similar premises (such as Bleach, Yu-Yu Hakusho, Inuyasha, Sailor Moon, Jake Long, B. Mac’s Magical Mystery Tour, Card Captors, etc). In particular, I’d focus on developing the characters more and developing the fantasy setting beyond what you could find in Tolkien, medieval Japan or Final Fantasy. This is true for comic books (or novels), too, but ESPECIALLY if you’re pitching a TV show because you are competing against a bajillion similar premises, some of which are well-established.

    –“Max [is] a young teen whose mother was killed by a demon when he was very young… After being saved by Tyro,… he is trained to also become a knight. After his first few adventures, young Max decides to move to Spring City at his mother’s request.” I feel like there may be some discrepancies here. He decides to move to Spring City at his mother’s request… But his mother’s already dead, isn’t she? (If she’s already dead and his decision happens after he has trained as a knight, I’d recommend phrasing this just as his decision rather than her request because the protagonists should be as front-and-center as possible).

    –Why does Tyro select Max to become a knight rather than anybody else off the street? (IE: is there something impressive about Max besides his heritage? Does he do something special?)

    –The Zane-Xander relationship sounds promising. However, we don’t see any of it in the first episode. To keep the studio/publisher interested, I’d recommend doing something interesting with Max/Tyro or perhaps Max/Max’s aunt early because I think those are the key relationships in the first episode.

    –I used to play Dungeons and Dragons, very well may be a gnome, and have heard of Vecna’s Hand before. I don’t think a name change is 100% necessary for a successful pitch but I think the name probably would get changed before the episode got aired.

    –So, after getting trained as a knight, Max leads a pretty normal life in Spring City. If he’s been trained as a knight, why does he maintain a normal life and live with his aunt? (One possibility: He gets adopted by his aunt after the death of his mom and only later gets trained as a knight—he’d have to grow into his skills and I think that would be more relatable).

  303. ekimmakon 05 Apr 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I’ve never heard of B. Mac’s Magical Mystery Tour.

  304. B. Macon 05 Apr 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Neither have I, and that’s probably for the best. 🙂

    To my knowledge, I’ve only starred in two stories (one a fan-fiction). The less said about either, the better.

  305. Lexon 05 Apr 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Thanks bmac. About the typos your right, though it was from my iPhone(no excuse though). Also I should have mentioned that Maxs mother was a knight before having Max. She was killed by a demon who had a grudge against her. He turns out to be Roark Maxs uncle from his fathers side. But yea that’s another story. But because she was a knight Tyro knew she always wanted Max to live a normal life. That is the reason I said at her request. I should’ve been more clear.

    And as for the reason Tyro trains Max is that Tyro had promised Fierro he would watch over his family just minutes before his final battle with Lord Vexen(this too another story for another time). The two were best friends. So it’s Tyro who finds the dead Maria(Mas mom) and the young Max who in fear unleashes a powerful blast of power. Realizing the boy takes after his father in being very powerful Tyro trains him to help take down Roark who is too very strong.

    As for his aunt, she knew of her sisters “friends” and Tyro let’s her know what’s going on. After Roark is defeated she gladly welcomes Max home.

    Does that explain????? Let me know please very bit of input helps.

    Oh yea and as for Zanes story, do you think making him into another series maybe a spin off is a better way to go?????

  306. B. Macon 05 Apr 2011 at 8:46 pm

    “As for Zane’s story, do you think making him into another series, maybe a spinoff, is a better way to go?” Personally, I would lean towards no. First, his personality sounds better-developed than Max’s. (Thinking back on the synopsis I read maybe 1-2 hours ago, I can remember that Zane is more troubled and a bit volatile, but can’t recall anything about Max’s personality–this suggests to me that Zane is more memorable so far). Zane’s relationship with his demon mentor sounds like it has more dramatic potential than Max’s relationship with Tyro, which so far sounds to me like it’ll probably be overwhelmingly friendly and cooperative (which is not as conducive to excitement as a more mixed relationship with some potential for conflict).

    One potential concern with Tyro’s backstory is that I fear that his promise to Fierro (to watch over Max) will result in him being uniformly nice to Max. One possible adjustment would be having Fierro give instructions to Tyro that encourage him to be more confrontational with Max as necessary. “You’ll kick his butt when he needs it, won’t you?” “Of course, sir.”

    One plotting possibility is introducing both characters and both mentors in the first episode. (There probably won’t be much time to get into, say, Zane’s family backstory, but in 21-22 minutes, I don’t think it would be hard to show the most important things about him, like his personality). Perhaps Max and Zane are knights sort of competing over the same beat, or perhaps they’re assigned to be part of the same team. Perhaps they’re on the same team but are rivals anyway. Either way, I think the interactions between the two will make them more interesting than they would be on their own. (For one thing, they don’t seem to have many side-characters in place, so they kind of need each other).

  307. Lexon 05 Apr 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Taking that into consideration how about if Xander and Zane also knights(not friendly ones) are assigned to retrieve the veil. Max no longer an “active” member is looked down on by both Xander and Zane. But when Lix attempts to tame the veil Max, bring there with his class and all, tries stop Lix. In doing so he gets in Xander and Zanes way causing the mission to go down and the “essence” released into the city.

    Tyro is sent in to keep his former student in check. Max feeling responsible decides hes gonna recollect the “essence” which of course is now Xander and Zanes mission. There a rivalry/unwanted partnership begins.

    Is that better maybe???? And also some of the supporting characters I created such as Adriene , Maxs girlfriend, interact with Zane who is considered the new kid in town. She even gets close to him causing him to wanna change his main power source being his anger and darkness. He wants this because they begin to care about eachother causing some obvious trouble between Max and Zane and Maz and Adriene. Also Xander who has a plan to use Zane to retrieve the Lexicon from Max.

    What you think???? Please let me know.

  308. B. Macon 05 Apr 2011 at 11:39 pm

    “But when Lix attempts to tame the veil Max, bring there with his class and all, tries stop Lix. In doing so he gets in Xander and Zanes way causing the mission to go down and the “essence” released into the city.” I really like this. It gives him a personal reason to go back to being a knight (namely, he blew it and he owes the city his help until he’s fixed his problem). I can see why Zane/Xander would not want his help (namely, he blew it once, he’s been out of “active” service for a while and seems to be rusty, AND they might doubt that his heart’s actually in it).

    Also, I like that Max fails more clearly in his first action. I think it raises the stakes.

    All in all, this strikes me as substantially more interesting. I think Max could still use a flaw, though. (Perhaps something that leads him to make the mistake of getting involved even though Zane and Xander could do it themselves?)

  309. Armond H.on 06 Apr 2011 at 10:23 am

    Hi, Ive been on here before but I had to start over on my story before because my computer was stolen. But anyways I am trying to write a superhero story where my main character, Jamal, enters into an inner city gang so the gang will give protection to his mothers store. A few days go by and while he is robbing a store with a few other members the cops show up and Jamal gets caught in an ensuing chase. It’s his 1st strike the judge has an idea and sentences him to a military boot camp. Littlle does either of them know that the military is starting to get into a genetic arms race w/ other countries after spies confirm the start of genetic programs to create enhanced soldiers in China. So they are taking delinquient kids to begin human testing since they need to be able to compete with the other nations. What do you think?

  310. B. Macon 06 Apr 2011 at 11:49 am

    The premise sounds okay–sharper and more concise than I remember. I like that the character is held accountable for his decisions… I think that helps raise the stakes on his actions and decisions.

    Would you like to send me the first chapter?

    PS: I’m sorry to hear about the computer.

  311. Armond H.on 06 Apr 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Yea probably. When I get finished writing it. Im just unsure where I gonna go with it. I know that I want Jmal and various other teens to get superpowers and then they will eventually escape back to the city and then all of a sudden gangs will have super powered members. But the govt has to step in and they think they can use Jamal as their agent.

  312. B. Macon 06 Apr 2011 at 3:15 pm

    That sounds workable. There might be a minor plot-hole to fill in regarding why the government put him in this program even though they think they can use him to fight off the actual delinquents. (Maybe they did background checks on everybody after the escape and found him to be the most reliable/promising). I think there’s some potential for conflict there–how eager will he be to work with them after they’ve already tried to screw him once?

  313. Armond H.on 07 Apr 2011 at 10:14 am

    Yea I was gonna make him as the most reliable to work with seeing as how for some reason he was the only forst time offender to sent to the program, while the others are mostly 2nd and 3rd strikers.

  314. Frightningon 18 Apr 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Hey B. Mac, I realize you are busy, but I would love to have your feedback on one of my last posts after yours…so i’m posting it again, there will some changes to what I had typed though.

    First of all, I did forget to mention that the organization that does these genetic operations is a corporation I named GenoTech. People pay them for the procedures they want to undergo; from changing their skin color or gender to increasing their muscle mass or bio-electric output. Then the patients perform a series of physical and psychological examinations by highly trained professionals…but I can’t decide if it would better if these professional were inside the organization or are hired from outside. However, once you pass these exams GenoTech then performs the genetic alterations. Then the genes are disperesed throughout the patient’s body. Depending on the complexity of the change, this could days to months. So is that ok for an original comic book idea?

    That first note of conflict, about the person passing all the physical and psychological exams and then becoming insane, helped me iron out a place for one of my already existing, and most treasured, characters. His name is Jeremy Young, but later goes by Prizm after he is illegally altered with the ability to telekinetically manipulate glass. I always envisioned him as a violent psychopath and never could figure out what pushed him over that edge. But due to the sheer complexity and the painful physical and mental alterations made by the dispersal of this ability within his body…he becomes aggressive and distant, which turns into a violent and callous individual. But tell me…is that too predictable and clichéd for a villain? If so, how could change it and make him able to separate himself from the mass of belligerent psychos in comics?

    Your second note of conflict is good, about the first generation of human that had been altered being insane or unworthy of such power, but I don’t see it working in my world at least in part. You see I wanted my world to be relatively realistic. So these genetic engineering procedures would have been administered over the decades and made safer the more they are done. So, the first generation of common people that got these alterations would either be dead of very old. That being said though, I had the thought of having people employed at GenoTech whose job it was to craft new and different genes to alter people with and give their customers more options. Instead of the first generations of the Altered causing problems, these new genes could have unforseen complications…so your suggestion about someone going insane after being altered could still work for me. And along the lines of people getting altered with superpowers who really shouldn’t have them, GenoTech also contracts people to act as superheroes. These people are would use their alterations to bring down the criminals of the city and bring them back to GenoTech for the removal of their alterations.

    The third note of conflict I’m very interested in. I have some great ideas but i’m not sure which one to go with. Two of the greatest ideas in my head are;

    1) A single man with the ability to bestow superpowers on anyone he touches who is called The Giver by those he has touched. Some of these people go about their lives as normal, but others begin to follow him, and become known as the Apex Apostles.

    2) A man who leads an eclectic collection of mean and women who tend to act as a guerilla attack squad.

    Now i would go with the fact The Giver and the other man act with egalitarian tendencies. Both would be trying to take down GenoTech, i’m only asking which one would be less predictable, but wouldn’t take that much away from the star of this story.

    Thank you in advance for any help/insights that any of you may offer me.

  315. B. Macon 18 Apr 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Hmm, okay…

    –“People pay them for the procedures they want to undergo; from changing their skin color or gender to increasing their muscle mass or bio-electric output. Then the patients perform a series of physical and psychological examinations by highly trained professionals…” They pay for the procedure before getting evaluated for the procedure? (So, if they later get turned down for the procedure, do they get their money back?)

    –I don’t think it would make a big difference whether GT has its own in-house staff or if it farms out the tests to outside professionals. If you wanted to play up some conflict between GT and its testers, I think it’d be preferable to have them be outsiders.

    –“Is that too predictable and cliched for a villain?” It’s not the freshest origin I’ve ever heard of. Quite a lot of villains go crazy after going through an experimental medical procedure or chemical injection. You’d probably want to distinguish the character from other examples such as Metallo*, Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, etc. What’s his motivation for going through this procedure? (*: Well, Metallo was a professional criminal before going through the operation).

    –I’m not sure the character concept of The Giver fits in with your plan of a more realistic world. One minor alteration that might help would be making him a rival scientist–perhaps a former GT staffer that left or was fired because of some sort of workplace dispute. (Perhaps he disagreed with some aspect of the testing procedures).

    –The idea of a guy who leads an eclectic guerilla squad sounds interesting, but I think it’d come down to whether his motivations were interesting and ideally believable enough.

  316. Frightningon 19 Apr 2011 at 5:57 am

    Ok, thank you for the quick feedback B. Mac. ^_^

    Now about GT refunds. I had the idea of people paying for the procedures and to have the various tests performed on them. So if they get passed the physical tests and fail the psychological exams, they would get part of their of their moeny back. I’m not sure if medical insurance would cover these alterations, though because you be changing your already strong and healthy body. Now people with a genetic disorder would be covered because they are repairing damamge to thier bodies through genen manipulation.

    well, Jeremy Young’s dad is the one leading the eclectic guerilla squad, The Foundation. William Young would the egalitarian and would want to destroy what he thinks GT represents where only the rich get power. He pulls a scientist away from GT, and bribes him into altering his son with the gene to control glass. Jeremy’s motivations are at first rage, but after a few majors defeats at the hands of the hero of my story, his motives change to him wanting to show his father that not everyone is created equal…he feels that the hero is better than him.

  317. B. Macon 19 Apr 2011 at 7:09 am

    “I’m not sure if medical insurance would cover these alterations, though because you be changing your already strong and healthy body.” In real life, I suspect it would not. I think a RL insurance company would regard all of these procedures to be optional. So, if you wanted to have The Foundation get angry over GT empowering the wealthy, I think it’d be entirely believable that the people with the most access to these optional miracle surgeries would be the wealthy.

    If you wanted to write in characters that were not very wealthy, you could explain that in a few ways. For example, perhaps GT’s operations are sometimes medically necessary. (Under most conditions, an operation to make someone supernaturally strong would probably be optional/noncovered, but an insurance company might cover it for a patient whose cerebral palsy couldn’t be treated any other way).

    Alternately, GT may provide some of its services for free. Its highly experimental procedures may be offered to volunteer test subjects before they are offered to paying customers. (I think that’s how medical research usually works, but don’t quote me on that).

    Depending on its motives, GT might be willing to enter into unusual long-term agreements with uninsured patients unable to pay upfront. For example, “We’ll give you this life-saving procedure and any necessary follow-up, but in exchange we want 20% of the money you make for the rest of your life. That’s less than the IRS takes and Lord knows we’re doing more for you.” Such an arrangement isn’t entirely sinister (so GT won’t come off as one-dimensionally evil), but I can see why the Foundation might oppose something that’s possibly even more intrusive and predatorial than sharecropping.

  318. Crystalon 19 Apr 2011 at 4:58 pm

    \Ur so naise hooman. I eets yoo last.\
    Ha! That’s so funny!

  319. Crystalon 19 Apr 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Quotation problems again…

  320. mustaphalicon 23 May 2011 at 1:20 pm

    In a post apocalyptic world, after most of the world’s resources have been diminished. Most first world countries reduced to areas of sadness and destruction. this is all due to the natural disasters that destroyed most of the world. its kind of a spinoff of 2012 theory , but with a deeper story and suprising answers as to how this came to be. i’m havin a bit of a problem with the cause of this disaster (B&UD: Blackout and Ultimate destruction date). i haven’t decided as to whether or not i can invole aliens, Gods or deities, or scientific reasons.

    Setting : is set in a futuristic setting in my country here in africa called Nigeria. refugees had fled to africa, living and inhabiting the cities. the countries can contain this people seeing as its in the future and technology has developed more
    due to the belief that the world was devastated so much because of ECO problems , so most of the technology is GREEN inspired. the main aim of this comic or graphic novel ( haven’t decided yet) is to contradict the belief that africa is an underdeveloped continent. That we live in trees or huts or in a jungle. There are no monkeys in my backyard, we have internet t.v, netflix , fox and most important electricity. even cool D lives in my state very close to my estate.
    Main Character : He is a young adult by the name of tobi ( not toby as in tobias but same pronounciation) he recently joins the IIA ( Interracial Intergration Agency) for emotional reasons later described in the story , as it progresses he joins a more secret organisation (name not yet decided) he gains more skills friends and abilities as he grows and proves himself, will continue in next post. what do you all think.

  321. Mustaphalicon 25 May 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Any response

  322. Mynaon 25 May 2011 at 4:32 pm

    It sounds pretty cool so far, I like that the story is set in Africa, as not a lot of stories are (I recall The Ear, The Eye and the Arm was set in a post-apocalyptic world Africa like yours, however.) The apocalypse you choose depends on the mood you want the story to have. Most post-apocalyptic stories are science-based and can be very gritty. If you want that feel, I’d avoid anything extravagant like aliens or gods.

    If the world was devastated due to an environmental catastrophe, you would have a bit of work/scientific research cut out for you, but you could also make it scarily realistic considering it’s a very real threat right now. (One note… environmental catastrophe would affect Africa pretty badly too, so if your goal is to show how Africa is NOT this wasteland may western readers believe it to be, make the catastrophe something like an oil crisis or similar, because that would hit western countries hardest. Famines and floods would still affect Africa.) Ah, you probably know all this, just pointing out bits, but I like the setup of your story, it sounds awesome ^.^

  323. mustaphalicon 26 May 2011 at 12:29 pm

    thanks, will be sure to make changes, myna.

    ps do you have any idea where bmac is?

  324. Mynaon 26 May 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Not sure. Considering he just graduated, he’s probably a bit busy right now. I dunno what’s going on for sure though, although he’ll probably be back soon.

  325. ElJaleoon 26 May 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Very good premise. I like the idea of Africa being a refuge, which is really backwards from the current state of things.
    Just be careful though, I wouldn’t make your society in post-apoplytic Africa a replica of modern America. (In other words, no NetFlix 😉 )
    I wouldn’t get too carried off with the whole “World devastation via natural disasters” either. Its plausible to a certain degree, but having six stratigically placed (enter one: earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, etc.) taking out society kinda seems unbelievable. But I’m not sure exactly what you have in mind.

  326. mustaphalicon 26 May 2011 at 1:55 pm

    this is a common misconception, though it it is not your fault. most people think africa is this

    this are the rural areas that every country has. this is actually how it is.

    maybe this would allow you guys to understand my plot better. also africa is a collective term, but my setting is based in Nigeria my home country , but as the story progresses my protagonist travels the continent.

    …thanks for the input.

  327. B. Macon 26 May 2011 at 3:38 pm

    “Do you have any idea where B. Mac is?” Dealing with post-graduation details, mostly job stuff. (For example, I spent too much of yesterday starting an FBI background check for a work visa). Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

  328. B. Macon 26 May 2011 at 4:29 pm

    –Mustaphalic, I read through your premise. It feels a bit sparse to me so far. My biggest concern is that the main character strikes me as something of an afterthought so far. For example, what’s Tobi’s main goal? What are some of the obstacles he’s overcoming? What’s his personality like?

    –How did Nigeria come to be a center of green tech?

    –You can invoke aliens, gods or deities, but I would only recommend doing so if you intend for the aliens or gods or deities to have a continuing role in the story. Otherwise, I’d recommend natural disasters not caused by any particular actor. It also depends on the genre you’re hoping to write in. If you go with aliens or a scientific disaster, the book will probably be listed in (postapocalyptic) science fiction, whereas I think gods or deities would probably push the book into (maybe urban?) fantasy.

    –“The main aim of this comic or graphic novel is to contradict the belief that Africa is an underdeveloped continent.” Are you planning on submitting this for professional publication? I’m not sure that the readers will find this message terribly interesting.* If I were the guy reading through the script, I’d really like to see more of a story. (IE: I’d be interested to learn more about the character and his quest, rather than the setting. If the hero is less interesting than the setting, I think that raises red flags about the characterization).

    *The main reason somebody buys a comic book or GN is to be entertained rather than educated. There’s pretty much no market for educational CBs/GNs because teachers almost never assign them. Moreover, customers primarily looking to be educated will go 98%+ for nonfiction with maybe an acclaimed novel here or there.** This is not to say that comic books and graphic novels can’t be smart, but they first and foremost need to entertain someone or they will rot on shelves. (For example, I think When the Wind Blows and Maus handled serious material in an entertaining way).

    **At least, that’s my understanding, and it may be different outside of the United States. You know more about your home market than I do.

    If you’re planning on publishing this professionally, which publishers are you looking at? (Nigerian ones? Other African ones? Western ones?)

  329. Comicbookguy117on 28 May 2011 at 7:32 am

    Hey guys. Real quick question. As some of you may know, I am developing a series of solo stories that will eventually bleed into the formation of a group story. As it stands right now, I’ve planned the group to contain six memebers. I also like diversity on a team so each member will possess a different kind of superpower. What i mean is that so far I’ve got:

    -a small group of people worldwide with genetically innaturalized powers (eg. Fantastic Four)

    -humans with enough motivation or psychosis to don costumes (eg. Batman or Joker)

    -people who can channel and control magic who consort with angels and demons (eg. Dr. Strange)

    -a handful of people who use a special object to acheive feats of a superhuman nature (eg. Green Lantern)

    -aliens that are looking to destroy us or saves us based on their personal views of us (eg. Superman or Galactus)

    I’m having trouble thinking of a sixth member. I’m leaning towards tech-based powers. But I can’t seem to think of a story that doesn’t seem like an Iron Man knock-off. So is there any other way to power people in superhero fiction that I’m missing?

  330. B. Macon 28 May 2011 at 9:30 am

    The person could be a techie (either without a powersuit or one where the suit is really minor). Some examples include Gear from Static Shock, Oracle from Batman, Micah from Heroes, etc. In terms of his scientific knowledge, he may be some sort of gadgeteer, a mad scientist, and/or a hacker/electronics specialist.

    Alternately, you could go with a robot/android or a cyborg. If you’re looking for something a bit more unusual, maybe a sentient vehicle. (Don’t let Knight Rider fool you–this can actually be done seriously!

    Another possibility would be that you have a powersuit, but something about the parameters and/or user are really different than the Ironman suit and/or Tony Stark.

    Or, for something quite a bit more unusual, maybe something like military psionics. Or aliens.

  331. Crystalon 28 May 2011 at 11:21 am

    Or you could have him be able to communicate with machinery.

  332. B. Macon 28 May 2011 at 11:27 am

    Yeah, that’s what Micah from Heroes does.

  333. Comicbookguy117on 28 May 2011 at 11:34 am

    All that’s great but does it HAVE to be tech-based? I mean how many types of powers are there in superhero fiction?

  334. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 28 May 2011 at 7:51 pm

    It doesn’t HAVE to be tech-based, but it does fill a convenient role. In my superhero story, I have a shapeshifter, a character with prehensile hair, a guy who can fly/shoot energy blasts/make forcefields, and then one who COULD do the same things as the last guy, but has decided to pour his energy into studying computers instead so he can attack the villains through cyberspace, by draining their bank accounts, shutting off their security systems, etc. That allows both physical attacks from the other three, and hacking that the other one could use to destroy their assets.

    Arresting a mob boss is all good, but someone else will just take up the job. But, if you can ruin the finances, they’ll have nothing to use.

  335. FotVon 05 Jun 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Enabling them to simply drain the villain’s assets could make defeating them too easy. However a good technopath’s hacking skills is useful in all sorts of circumstances. I recommend for teams always having a techie, makes life easier.

  336. FotVon 06 Jun 2011 at 6:03 pm

    My story is a space western/ space opera

    Bridget Tereshkova’s Origin
    Real Name: Ava Harley
    Nationality: Meridian (the core system, birthplace of modern humanity, conqueror of worlds)
    Birthplace: Saejin (“Jewel of the universe” center of Meridian culture)
    Blood type: K (Keyah, named after the first person discovered to have this blood type) People with this blood type have highly enhanced healing, though not quite as good as Wolverine’s. If it takes too long to heal, she gets scars or dies. The healing is the result of lots of stem cells in the body, making her vulnerable to viruses that attack stem cells.
    Despite being born on Saejin, to Meridian parents, life was not as easy as a Ringer (someone born on the Ring, the worlds outside Meridian) would expect. Big business does its best to crush small business so by the time she was eight her family was penniless and in debt. They were still happy as they had each other, but accepted it was time to move on. They signed on to be indentured at a clay factory on the moon Barlowe in the Long System (Barlowe is a small moon on the edge of the system, owned by Frederick Barlowe. He was able to get it fairly easily since it was considered a terraforming failure, but turned out to be a wise investment since the dirt on much of the moon turns into clay ten times stronger than steel when mixed with water and the right catalysts and kilned proper). Though on the ring, Barlowe was still considered a Meridian territory (F. Barlowe was Meridian). Anyway there was an accident she healed from way too quickly when she was thirteen (making the Barlowe news) and Meridian Summer Hail agents abducted her from her home and trained her to be a supersoldier/assassin/spy. They also performed painful medical experiments on her to test the limits of her healing. She escaped when she was seventeen and used her training for thieving and con artistry. She was captured by bounty hunters and put in cryo. Their ship had mechanical problems so they abandoned it. The crew of Saoirse (Sheer-sah) came across it and defrosted her and ended up hiring her, believing she had been captured by slavers.

  337. FotVon 06 Jun 2011 at 6:04 pm

    For script pages see my review forum.

  338. Brossliexon 06 Jun 2011 at 11:28 pm

    My story takes place a world where climate has recently changed drastically. Many cities in this world were destroyed during the change. Monsters and fiends are plenty i the world. Only a few major cities remain but throughout the world there are many different tribes made up of different races from humans to, monsters , to dinosaurs.
    It’s told by legend that the world was created by three mythical creatures. The beast of the ocean, the soared of the sky , and the dwler of the earth. It’s believed by many that something affected these creatures which caused the sudden climate changes. Tho barely anyone has seen the beasts. A scientist from one of the manor cities remaining has been searching fore the three guardians. He learns of a tribe of people who worship the oven beast and goes there to live among them.

    After only a few months living with them he comes across a baby in the wild and takes it in, raising it in the village. The scientist named Hank Mcvoy names the baby Charles. Charles grows up in the village learning to become a warrior impressing all even the tribe leader. At the age of 17 Charles decides to take the trial of warriors in order to become a man and goes off on a journey into a local cave.

    Along the way he finds a group of explorers from one of the remaining cities. He saves them as they are attacked by a wild monster and becomes fond of the girl with them named Chloe. With only Chloe and another male I’ve in the group Charles brings them back to his village.

    The scientist with Chloe named Robert is an old friend of Hank. He reveals to Hank his recent discovery of an ancient map he believes holds the location to the three mythical guardians. The four leave the village headed for the city there from. Robert reveals that he has learned that unless the three guardians are killed the world wi experience another major change Wichita could kill them all. The king of that city decides to give Robert an army to take with him and defeat the three beast.

    Robert invites Hank to come with him on the quest and to bring Charles after witnessing the teens also g strength. The two agree and head on there journey. As they arrive at the location wheee the beast of the ocean is believed to be they find a local tribe. Charles and Chloe befriend a local and learn that the tribe believes that each guardian when defeated leveas a crystal containing all it’s power.

    When the army heads to attack the beasts lair the tribe tries to stop them but Robert orders them to slaughter the tribe. Charles , Hank , and Chloe are horrified and try to stop them. But they fail. Hank realizes that Robert is really after the power of the guardians.

    The beast artists and fights the army and they realize that Robet has a dark power which with the help of the army is able to defeat the beast. Hank is killed but Charles promises to stop Robert. Charles is able to grab the crystal bit is washed away as the oceans are going wild.

    Charles awakens in a far away village and the village tells him that the crystal he had has infused with him, now he has the power of the first beast. The village ted him that if Robert defeats the last 2 the world will be destroyed. The leader of this tribe tells him that Robert has gotten the power of guardian of hell and is powerful enough to do so.

    They tell him of a tribe of powerful beings known as the swamps who if they join Charles can help him stop Robert. Giving a map exactly like Roberts Chloe and Charles go off to the swamps.

    There he finds that they are being terrorized by a warrior more powerful then them. If he defeats him they will join his cause. Charles meets the warrior who has crystals just like the one Charles has. He fights Charles and wins. He tells Charles that the 2 have more in common than he thinks. He tells Charles that he will leave the village alone of he promises to join him after he defeats Robert. Charles agrees and the warior disappears.

    Charles and Chloe lead the swamp warriors to the location of the second beast where Robert is already slayed the beast. They race to the final location along the way Charles and Chloe get closer and intimate.

    At the final beast Charles helps it escape Robert who fights one on one with him. The two seem even as Robert tries to get Charles to join him. The secret warrior from before shows up getting annoyed that Charles is taking so long. In the end Charles defeats Robert and absorbs the power of the flying beast and he’ll guardian.

    In the end the mysterious powerful warrior tells Charles that his name is Rale and he is his older brother. The two are from a race of beings known as space walkers. He tells Charles he was accidentally left in this demanding years ago as a baby. They are from a race that travel from dimension to dimension. He has powers from different guardians of other dimensions and tells Charles he is gonna introduce him to his own kind.

    Charles leaves with his brother. The last panel will show Chloe sometime later pregnant with his child. Leaving room for a sequel series.

    This is just and idea for a comic book series so please leave feedback. Let me kno what u think.

  339. B. Macon 07 Jun 2011 at 1:36 am

    Hello, Brossliex! Here are some thoughts and suggestions…

    –If your goal is to get professionally published, I would recommend proofreading a bit more aggressively. (For example, “my story takes place a world…” is missing a word and there are a few other typos elsewhere).

    –What is the “soared of the sky”? (A sword, perhaps?)

    –Marvel/Disney and DC/Warner are pretty aggressive about protecting their characters from perceived copyright violations. For this reason, I’d recommend renaming the scientist something besides Hank McVoy (because it’s really close to Marvel’s scientist Hank McCoy).

    –What are Hank’s and Charles’ personalties like? What about Chloe? (If I had to pick a single thing that distinguished a script that languished in the pile and one that stood out, I think it would be strong/interesting/unusual characterization).

    –“The beast artists and fights the army…” Artists?

    –Why does the king of the city decide to give Robert an army? (Doesn’t he have military leaders of his own? Is there some reason he REALLY trusts Robert?)

    How do the villagers know what happened with Charles taking on the power of the beast of hell? One possibility that might be more interesting than having the villagers exposit this information would be to have Charles gradually discover this information on his own. Or maybe he begins to have dreams or visions.

  340. Anonymouson 08 Jun 2011 at 2:06 am

    I’m writing an origin story for a villian and need feedback

    Chloe West was born into a rich family and always saw herself as the most beautiful girl in the world. At the age of 8 she was raped by her father. After the incident she went on her life, but still feared her father and the fact that if she told it to her mother, her father would hurt her. Chloe at the age of 23 is a supermodel and doesn’t care about anything but her looks. At a photoshoot an incident occurs and she is left with a scar on her cheek. The agency tells her that she can’t continue her career due to her scar and that she is replaced by a new model. She gets a call from her parents telling her she is a disgrace to the family honor and that she need to find a respectable career. Now on the brink of sanity she breaks into her parents estate and brutally murder them both. Before she leaves she grabs a porcelain doll mask that her dad had made for her. She put on the mask and goes to the model agency kill her replacement and many other models. In her mind, she is just \correcting their flaws\ by killing them. To be unrecongized she dyes her blonde hair pink.

  341. B. Macon 08 Jun 2011 at 11:40 am

    I think the character’s internal logic could be a bit tighter. For example, I think just killing people doesn’t seem very closely connected to her origin story. Since she’s obsessed about physical appearances and has been ruined by a scar, perhaps her main goal is to make people rethink their ideas about beauty by disfiguring everybody? (Her reasoning could something like “People are only punished for being ugly because they look worse than pretty people–if everybody were made ugly, nobody would care about ugliness”). I think that’d be a bit more three-dimensional than something along the lines of “You’re flawed, so it’s time for you to die.” Alternately, if she is obsessed about killing people, maybe combat is her way of physically testing people. Modeling is all about the appearance of superiority, and maybe combat is her way of finding out who is truly physically superior.

    “She gets a call from her parents telling her she is a disgrace to the family honor and that she needs to find a respectable career.” Does this have anything to do with her scarring (and subsequent firing) or are they just opposed to modeling in general? If they’ve always been opposed to modeling, why are her parents so upset now? (It seems contrived that the conflict would just happen to come to a boil right after her modeling career imploded?) One way to tie the two events together would be to have her get scarred/fired and then have her parents chew her out for becoming a model in the first place, because now she’s pretty much unable to get a real job. She doesn’t have job skills or a quality education (perhaps she insisted on a joke program like “modeling school“).

    “Before she leaves she grabs a porcelain doll mask that her dad had made for her.” Hmm, I think there might be a smoother explanation for how she gets the mask. (It seems unusual that she’d have an adult-sized doll mask just sort of lying around?)

    PS: You might enjoy this excerpt from Characterization by Trait for another approach to a character coping with physical disfigurement.

    “Maybe his face has been horribly scarred by an accident or animal attack and now he lives alone in the wilderness. So now we’re getting a good visualization of this character: hard and freakishly ugly…. Perhaps he’s a relatively uneducated guy searching for some way to come to grips with the cosmic injustice that has befallen him. I think this coping quest would be accentuated if he lost a job that relied on his physical appearance. Hopefully he wasn’t a model (too obvious), but maybe he was a car salesman or someone else that needed to make a good impression. “

  342. Sylaron 08 Jun 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Do it’s a good idea for the audience to know the origins of ALL the characters? I mean, there’s never been an official history for the Joker… because so many people think it’s better that we not know his origins. What do you think?

  343. Marquison 08 Jun 2011 at 7:48 pm

    The joker doesnt have a complete origin. But it was revealed that he fell into a vat of chemicals while being chased by batman. The chemicals changed his face and i think they made him really crazy. I got this information from Dc universe.

  344. Sylaron 08 Jun 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Yeah, I knew that much, but the rest is so shrouded in mystery, that even the Joker himself doesn’t know (when asked about his past, he said, “Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another. If I’m gonna have a past I’d prefer it to be multiple choice!! HAHAHA!!!).

  345. Marquison 08 Jun 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Lol maybe he doesnt know or maybe being the joker he finds it funny to have people wonder about his past. When in truth he knows but again being the joker…..he just wont tell.

  346. B. Macon 08 Jun 2011 at 8:40 pm

    I don’t think the audience needs to know the origins of all the characters–you probably don’t have the room to cover every character in a novel or comic book at any length. Alternately, you might want to keep the character more mysterious for whatever reason. As long as we understand a character’s motivations and have some vague idea of where his powers come from*, I don’t think going into the origin is required.

    Alternately, if you wanted to cover origins but didn’t have much space, I think you could gloss over an origin (especially an origin for a minor character) really quickly. For example, I covered a few characters in a sentence each in this scene of The Taxman Must Die. Even a major character might not need much more than that–it sort of depends how complicated the origin is and how much it ties into the plot.

    *For example, if someone shows up in a powersuit, we’ll know where his powers came from and have the gist of how they work. In contrast, if someone just springs superpowers out of nowhere and we don’t have any idea where they came from, it might be confusing.

  347. Malcolmon 09 Jun 2011 at 12:35 am

    I’m working on a story of a super group of 5 people. The thing is that they’re all very different and I’m having a problem connecting them all. I don’t know how or why they’ll come together.So how can I connect them all?

  348. B. Macon 09 Jun 2011 at 1:24 am

    Hmm, that sounds a bit vague, Malcolm. What do you know about the plot so far? (For example, what are they trying to accomplish? What’s the main villain like?) Also, what do you know about the main characters so far?

  349. Marquison 09 Jun 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Malcolm, I think more about the the over-all plot for the story would help but here are some ideas off the top of my head.

    1. They were all cheated by some sort of villian.
    2. They all plan on accomplishing certain tasks that take place at the same area thus working together to accomplish these tasks.

    …… thats all i got. Dont know if this will help.

  350. Comicbookguy117on 09 Jun 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Malcolm,I agree with Marquis, you need something that forces them to work together. As a rule superheroes are very proud people and usually go with the “I got this myself.” attitude. So you need something that makes them want to work together for ease or survival. You know?

    So I’ve got a question as well guys. In my own comic book universe I am currently developing, I’m creating a story that involves people who can manipulate magic. The way they use magic is through the use of ritals and glyphs. These spells must be taught or otherwise studied. So i figured I’d make a school for them to go to. But, wanting to stay original, how do I write a story about ‘superpowered’ characters attending a special school that does not come off as an X-men rip off?

  351. Marquison 10 Jun 2011 at 10:43 am


    Rather than making it a school why not just make it where the characters sort of make a headquarters you know liike from an abandoned building or secret passage that leads to a secluded place.They then collect the spells ( magic ritals n glyphs ) and write them in scrolls or something else.

    If you dont want to change it from a school i dont really have any ideas for that…. the best thing to do would just be to change it from a school completely trust me on this one if it isnt like x-men it’ll be like harry potter even if you didnt intened for it to be that way. besides the whole kids learn stuff at a school idead is REALLY and im talk REALLY overused.

    The story sounds like it has the potential to be really good, if you need any help with different spells and what not just let me know.

  352. Comicbookguy117on 10 Jun 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Thanks Marquis I think I will change it. By the way, my e-mail is comicbookguy117-at-yahoo-dot-com. What’s your e-mail?

  353. Marquison 18 Jun 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Hit me up if you get the chance, i’d love to read more.

  354. Delveron 18 Jun 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Dave Flintwood is twenty-five years old when he witnesses the death of his father, mother, and his grandpa. Traumatized and angered at the death he learns that they were all killed by a lunatic criminal known as Deadzone. He wants vengence for all this, and he thinks of this as meteors fall across Earth.
    As he awakes in the morning, he realizes he has two bumbs on the top of his head. In one day they turn out to be horns, he grows a black tail. His eyes turn red, and he soon realizes he has the ability to see in the night very well, can smell the difference between the infected(other people have been infected with some sort of power thanks to the meteors.)
    As he goes through his clothes, he realizes the clothes he wore the night of the meteor shower had been infected too. Now the clothes had combined to create a new skin-like material that can regenerate itself.
    Soon Dave learns of his very own motto, “It’s better to be feared within the league of gangs, criminals, and evil scientists; then to be frightened and probably killed by them.” With this new motto Dave goes out to look for his families murderer under a secret name; Nightfright.

  355. Delveron 18 Jun 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Any advice and/or comments on this story?

  356. B. Macon 18 Jun 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Some thoughts and suggestions, Delver.

    –I think the murdered family angle has been used pretty heavily before. How will you distinguish your character from other similar characters? (For example, does Deadzone have an interesting motive for killing the family?)

    –“He wants vengeance for all this, and he thinks of this as meteors fall across Earth.” It might be more interesting if he does something to get superpowers rather than just passively receive them in a cosmic coincidence.

    –If you’re doing a comic book, the quasi-demonic visual on the protagonist sounds more interesting than a guy in tights. (If you’re doing a novel, it probably wouldn’t matter that much).

    –“It’s better to be feared within the league of gangs, criminals, and evil scientists; then to be frightened and probably killed by them.” I think this motto could be smoother and probably more original. Something like “If evil doesn’t fear you, you’re just counting down the minutes ’til you’re dead” would be smoother, I think. However, that probably wouldn’t address the originality issue. I’d like something that doesn’t sound like something like Batman or the Punisher would say.

    “Nightfright”–I feel the rhyme here is probably too cute for this character.

  357. Delveron 19 Jun 2011 at 7:45 pm

    Here is a story that I think may be kind of interesting. A father named Cosmos has five children and gifts each one with a specific power to use at a mature age(Cosmos thought the age should be 21 since that’s the legal drinking age for humans.) Cosmos believes that a new race of super aliens are being brought to life by an old friend turned bad. He knows this because his name means universal order(which explains why he has power, being the man in charge of the universe.)

  358. B. Macon 19 Jun 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Some thoughts and suggestions:

    –I think it would really help to give the kids some personality. I’d recommend distinguishing them in ways besides their powers.

    –The villains could probably use more development and an interesting motive. Hopefully something more interesting than revenge here.

    –“Cosmos thought the age should be 21 since that’s the legal drinking age for humans.” Incidentally, this would not be the first comic to suggest that God exists and He’s an American. 😉

    PS: Picking 21 as the age of maturity because of drinking laws strikes me as, umm, quirky. Unless this Cosmos fellow is supposed to come off as quirky, I’d recommend going with a different age, maybe 18 or upon the completion of their education (U.S. students usually complete college around 22).

  359. Delveron 22 Jun 2011 at 5:53 pm

    The age is set for 25 since that is when the mind is fully developed. Michael Spire is the protagonist of the story, and incidentally he is the youngest son that Cosmos had. Michael in the beginning of the story is confronted by an old friend of his dad’s. But Michael quickly realizes that the reason why the man came was to threaten Cosmos and his family to stay out of his business. The man is known as Dimultris Zult, and he runs a gang known as the Zult Cult. Dr. Zult controls these people using one of his powers of mind control.
    Dr. Zult then kidnaps his own brother, Dr. Henry Zult, in order to make sure no one follows him. Plus he uses Henry for his latest experiment, changing one being’s molecular structure. In Henry’s case he cecomes a freakish lizard like creature. Along with growing a long 3 foot long tail. Henry grows sharp steel spikes from the top of his head that go along his spine, and end at the tip of his tail. Known as Spark, or Sparky cause he can channel electricity through his metal spikes.
    Anyway, Michael is able to turn completely invisible, phase through walls and other stuff, and is able to sneak up bnd a person without even trying. Soon he becomes a gero known as Phantom Faze because phantom’s have such abilities, and faze because it means to disturb(which basically means he cause mayhem amound criminals.)
    His brother, Damon Spire, is another antogonist who dispises the fact that Michael uses his powers to protect other humans rather then help him. So that is when Damon decides to use his shadow powers(able to shoot bolts of shadows, go through objects, and other darker stuff) to get revenge on his brother.

  360. Delveron 24 Jun 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Is it bad or good sounding?

  361. Comicbookguy117on 24 Jun 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Hey guys, how are you?

    B.Msc listen, csan I e-mail you something? I would enjoy your opinion on something. See, for years I’ve been creating and developing my own comic book universe. Finally I’m at the point where I want to share it with a few people and get some feedback. So if it’s ok, I’m currently working on a detailed document that dicusses the conception of and details the classes of charaters in my universe. I’d really enjoy your opinion.

  362. Comicbookguy117on 24 Jun 2011 at 9:19 pm

    I meant to Say B.Mac. Sorry.

  363. B. Macon 24 Jun 2011 at 9:25 pm

    Some thoughts and suggestions:

    –The explanation for ~25 as the age when the powers take hold makes a lot more sense.

    –One thing that concerns me a bit is that the personality of the protagonist doesn’t really stand out. What are some of the ways he’s different from other superhero protagonists? What are some interesting things he does? (Umm, the description above spends more time talking about what Sparky looks like than anything about what Michael does).

    –Depending on your target audience, the rhyming “Zult Cult” might be too cute. Unless this is a comedy, I’d recommend rethinking the rhyme.

    –What does kidnapping his brother have to do with making sure no one follows him? Also, could you tie in the kidnapping/transformation of Henry with the threat against Cosmo and his family? Are they somehow related?

    –Sparky would be a really unusual name for a mutant lizard thing. In a really quirky way, I like it. It might be too cute, but I think it works better than Zult Cult. Is Sparky a protagonist or an antagonist?

    –I think the conflict between Michael and his brother could be fleshed out a lot more.

  364. B. Macon 24 Jun 2011 at 10:39 pm

    “B.Mac, can I e-mail you something? I would enjoy your opinion on something.” Yeah, sure. I can be reached at superheronation at gmail dot com.

  365. Comicbookguy117on 25 Jun 2011 at 7:14 am

    Ok cool. I’ve got to finish it. Should be another day maybe two. Is that ok?

  366. B. Macon 25 Jun 2011 at 7:53 am

    Sure. Take as much time as you need.

  367. Delveron 25 Jun 2011 at 11:15 am

    Michael is different from other heroes because he cares about the little things that happen(like when a man steals a ring.) He believes that he can change the outcome, change who someone is. His father tells him before he dies, “You may have a small power, but small things can make a big difference in the universe.”

  368. Marquison 28 Jun 2011 at 9:28 am

    A don’t really think a man stealing a ring is all that small i mean Michael being a Hero and all Stealing Is still Stealing. Im sure any superhero would most likely catch this felon.

    But listen to this maybe a good way to make your character stand out from all of the other heros would be to do a bit of plot tweaking.
    ( Don’t worry i change my story almost every day just ask B. Mac)

    The reason I say this is because every hero has some sort of tragedy in his or hers pasts this causes them to gain powers or seek out a way for revenge. Its Really worn out, no one makes a story where the character wants to take over the city this could be for a bad reason or a good reason depending on the character. This could evolve into many sub-plots,

    All in all maybe you should think more about what has been done and what hasn’t nowadays its all about being individual.

    P.s. let me know if you need help with powers

  369. Marquison 28 Jun 2011 at 9:30 am

    Hey Cbguy did you email me anything?

  370. Awaleon 28 Jun 2011 at 2:24 pm

    B. Mac you once said that you thought revenge stories would be tough to make fresh or that they’re kinda unoriginal. But what if my character has a bit of a revenge story where he wants to kill his grandfather for using his illusion powers to trick him into killing his own sister but the story mostly revolves around him and his three best friends, a married couple who recruited him onto a superhero team after they freed him from his grandfather’s prison and there’s always that question about whether or not he’s gonna end up making the right choices and be a hero instead of a revenge seeking murderer, would that make readers care? Like I’d feel a bit interested as a reader so what do you think.

    He’s also a very 3 dimensional character when it comes to his motives as a hero, he believes that criminals are degenerates that should be cleansed from society, that the punishment should fit the crime and a lot of the times his arguments about why they should be killed make sense but he’s always argueing with his best friend and teamate who also has a lot of good reasons why they shouldn’t be killed, I picked that because I always love stories that make me go home and think after I’ve seen them at the cinema or make me question my very morals, it instills a very strong interest in the readers because they sometimes believe the character’s views and answers could give them the answers they so desire or they side with one character and really want to see how he or she turns out… I think he’s 3 dimensional because his goals are rather grey, you could try to argue how wrong killing criminals is but I could come up with some good points why they should be killed, it’s not black and white in the end it’s really just perspective like how Magneto thinks Humans are inferior to Mutants but Charles believes they should co-exist.

  371. Delveron 01 Jul 2011 at 1:39 pm

    I need some ideas for a story I am making! One of them involves a hero known as Black Falcon. This is his story:
    It all started when a man named Luke Grane was like three years old, he began seeing this strange falcon following him wherever he goes. After awhile he realizes that the falcon is just looking out for him. Almost like a protector or a body guard. When he becomes twenty-four he accidentally bumps into an old school bully known as Derek Bronse. Quickly Derek recognizes Luke as the fool who kept trying to get in between him and his girlfriend. It was Luke who made the two break up(not on purpose though.)
    So Luke his punched and brutally wounded by Derek, until he slumps to the floor, very much knocked out. Derek laughs and walks away from the scene but stabs Luke in the leg with a razor sharp knife.
    After Luke wakes up, he can only watch as a man picks him up and puts him in an ambulance. Next Luke wakes up in a hospital room to see that his whole left leg is missing. In replace was a highly advanced robotic knee sent by a company known as Kruz Company.
    And that is all I got. I want to do something with this guy where he becomes a hero of the night just like Batman, without completely copying him. Any ideas?

  372. Delveron 01 Jul 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Actually I found out something funny, there is an actual falcon known as the Black Falcon. So I might have Luke and the falcon actually exchange a conversation. The falcon that protects Luke is known as Trebell, and it turns out that it and other black falcons live in Australia. But Trebell was the only one allowed away from his home, IF he finds a human and manages to become very much aquainted with the human.
    So the two quickly become friends, but then Derek strikes once again. But this time Luke is stronger and better then before(because Trebell is with him.) Later Trebell explains that when he is around that Luke can have double his wits, strength, agility, and better durability.
    Trebell says that there is a way that Luke can be strong, agile, wittier, and more durability permenenantly. Luke agrees and the two bond. They literally bond together, with Luke’s mind under the control. But Trebell sometimes speaks through Luke’s mind, and conscious.
    Together they become the hero known as the Black Falcon. He fights for justice with new powers, such as: better agility, can sprout wings and fly, super strength, more wits then the average human, and much more. Especially as his powers begin to evolve. But I still need help on what he should where as a costume. And what his motivation should be for fighting crime. Any ideas?

  373. B. Macon 01 Jul 2011 at 6:37 pm

    –Why does the falcon choose him rather than, say, anybody else?

    –“Derek quickly realizes Luke as the fool who kept trying to get in between him and his girlfriend. It was Luke who made the two break up (not on purpose, though)… So Derek punches and brutally wounds Derek and knocks him out. Derek laughs and… stabs Luke in the leg with a razor sharp knife.” Granted, I’ve never been in this sort of situation before. However, it seems sort of counterintuitive to me that two men would hate each other so much over a romance from college or high school when they themselves are in their mid-20s. I can only speak for myself, but I doubt I could even remember all the names of the people involved in my romantic triangles, let alone want to stab them years later. It might be more urgent and believable if the romantic incident in question were fairly recent, maybe in the past year or so. (Alternately, perhaps the romance ended a few years ago, but Derek was EXTREMELY convinced that she was The One and that they were going to be happily married and that the only reason it didn’t work was because Luke somehow got in the way).

    –“Derek can only watch as a man [saves him]”–This sort of relegates him to a secondary role. It might help to give him a more active role in doing something to ensure that he survives? For example, perhaps Derek does something trying to kill him, but he uses one of his strengths to survive somehow? (For example, if one of the unusual things about the character is that he keeps a clear head in a crisis, maybe he saves his own life by doing some first aid on his leg before the ambulance can alive. He passes out after doing a tourniquette but saves his life).

  374. Delveron 01 Jul 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Trebell actually didn’t intend to watch over Luke, he was just searching the globe when he sees a 3 year old boy. His first thought was to ignore the kid, but the 3 year old could actually the falcon was watching. The two kept staring at each other and that is when Trebell believed that this human could be a great human to use in the future.
    And Derek is a kind sadistic gangster who for some reason likes torturing people in the most brutalists of ways. But he especially hates Luke for not only the high school girl thing, but because every time Derek sees Luke, he’s always high spirited. Derek believes that Luke doesn’t give a care about anything that happens to anyone, as long as good things happen to him. And Derek believes that there is no point in letting this kind of behavior just slip by. That is why he punished Luke the way he did. Plus he thinks he needs to prove he’s worthy of being a gangster. Make sense at all?
    Part of it is also that his boss known as John Kruz(the owner of the company known as the Kruz Company) orders Derek to take down Luke. But he tells Derek not to kill Luke just yet, only mortally wound him. He puts the target on Luke’s head because Luke is a survivor from the night his parents were killed. And John kills the parents in order to make sure the cops know to stay out of his business. Luke’s patrents both worked as cops, and they have tried arresting John before. And that is why.

  375. Rogon 07 Jul 2011 at 6:42 am

    Well, im trying to develope a charcter right now and having a bit of trouble. One origin I have for him is that he was born of a nomadic clan in the forest, but was abandoned because of a curse placed on him. this curse gives him animal-like abilities(sort of a were-wolf thing) would this be a good origin or would this fall into the second flaw?

  376. Mynaon 07 Jul 2011 at 8:10 am

    Well, a curse is a curse because it’s bad; so if the curse gives him animallike abilities, this curse also has to be a weakness/fault of his that he has to overcome, too. If it just gives him awesome powers, it’s probably not a curse, and then it would fall into the second flaw. But if he has to overcome animallike instincts while still using his powers, it gives him a real challenge and it’s definitely workable in my opinion.

  377. Rogon 07 Jul 2011 at 9:52 am

    ok then, well the other part of the story is that the curse was placed on the baby by a necromancer so the clan would give a human for payment for helping them live in the forest during the winter. He made him this way to use as sort of a guard animal that would attack anyone who approched his neck of the woods. the animal man is evetually captured by a magician and a hunter and taken back to civilization.
    oh, and thanks, im apperciating the hlp.

  378. B. Macon 07 Jul 2011 at 1:07 pm

    “If it just gives him awesome powers, it’s probably not a curse, and then it would fall into the second flaw. But if he has to overcome animallike instincts while still using his powers, it gives him a real challenge and it’s definitely workable in my opinion.” I agree with Myna’s assessment here.

  379. Marquison 12 Jul 2011 at 8:43 am

    I have an idea Rog. What if instead of your character only feeling these animal instincts when his powers are active he feels them all the time every second of every day. This way the character would feel like he/she can’t be close to anyone in fear of harming them.This could also make for exciting scenarios because the character would have to always watch his/her anger.EVne for small things things.

  380. Rogon 12 Jul 2011 at 8:13 pm

    thanks, this is really helping me. I also came up with a pretty different character as well that I would like help with. he’s the sorcerer who buys him from the hunter as physical protection. the sorcerer was the son of a merchant, and one day he comes across a famed magician, who was looking for any potentian apprentices for the Order to the Right (the south).as a young boy, he had heard of all the greats of being a magician from his uncle and had become interested. however, he fails on making an impression, and the magician leaves with another for an apprentice. He then sets off for the south to find and confront the Order on this. after various tip offs and a long traveling distance, he eventually passes the trials set to keep outsiders out and enters the Order. unfortunally, most who discover him suggests execution for tresspassing, but the famed magician from earlier, impressed by his feats he had reach, gives him a chance to prove his worthiness. he does so and bocomes a magician over time

  381. Piledriveron 20 Jul 2011 at 1:49 pm


    No. Just no. We have WAY too many of these audience avatar kids in comics and cartoons. It’s not just a cliche, it’s a bad idea.

    Putting kid characters front and center because kids are supposed to relate seems to have gone overboard around the early 90s — almost a backlash to the handful of more mature cartoons and comics that came along in the late 80s. Two decades later we’re at the point that you can’t find anything aimed at kids that isn’t about kids. It seems even worse in Japan…

    Believe it or not, kids who grew up in earlier eras never had a problem relating to adult and young adult characters. In fact, we were usually looking forward rather than dwelling on where we were — preteens reading Archie and Teen Titans (because teens can go on dates and drive cars), teens reading about soldiers and adventurers traveling the world (because teens have curfews and can’t get away from their family), and so on. Unfortunately, when turning our heroes into kids, we still include these wish fulfillment aspects, but in a more unrealistic way — and that leads inadvertently to a questionable political statement about youth empowerment and subversion of adult/parental authority.

  382. B. Macon 20 Jul 2011 at 5:52 pm

    “Two decades later we’re at the point that you can’t find anything aimed at kids that isn’t about kids.” For example, looking at just Cartoon Network, there’s…
    –Scooby Doo (all of the protagonists but Scrappy are old enough to have graduated)
    –GI Joe movies
    –Battle Force 5
    –Justice League/JLU (until it ended its run a few years ago)
    –Looney Tunes (well, adult animals)
    –Thundercats (likewise)
    –Garfield (likewise)

    I feel like that’s a pretty good assortment of works aimed mainly at children that have mainly adult casts? Nevertheless, it seems pretty intuitive to me that most of the works aimed at children have child and/or teen protagonists. How many works for adults have child leads? Ender’s Game is virtually the only notable example I can think of. I’d attribute that mainly to adults having trouble relating to the perspective of a child. Now, if adults mostly can’t (or don’t want to) relate to a child’s perspective, even though they were once children themselves, I would imagine it’d generally be harder for children because they haven’t been adults themselves.

    There may or may not be undesirable repercussions to kids seeing kids doing things on their own, but I suspect that that a child protagonist acting independently in a mostly responsible way is a better role model than an adult protagonist acting irresponsibly. I’d be way more concerned about what my kid was taking away from something like Grand Theft Auto than Robin occasionally chafing against Batman. I’d care a lot more about the way the characters were behaving than their age.

  383. Piledriveron 22 Jul 2011 at 5:16 am

    Batman’s not aimed at kids, it’s enduring from an earlier era (as one of the properties that tried to market cartoons to an older audience in the first place), and it’s dead.
    Scooby Doo — also from an earlier era, but lately seeming to aim for an older audience (the movies were full of raunch, fi).
    GI Joe — current version are younger than the original, and almost always seem independent of older authority.
    Battle Force 5 — if they aren’t teens, they sure look it. Ditto the new Voltron.
    Justice League — not displaced by Young Justice yet?
    Loony Toons — have been shortened in stature and given bigger heads; behaving as children in an abstracted adult world.
    Thundercats — new series features teen lead.
    Garfield — have you seen the new toons? He’s not especially anthropomorphic, though…

    Adults (particularly older adults) actually do gravitate to kiddy fare, even if it isn’t consciously aimed at them (while the kids are itching to get at Counter Strike, their folks are happy to fire up some colourful cutesy thing on the Wii). If you aren’t a parent yet, maybe you remember your parents or grandparents foisting kiddy material on you and being a little perplexed that you didn’t find it as charming as they did?

    As I pointed out before, I’ve a pretty good memory of growing up before this trend really took off. Then as now kids wanted the material that seemed “more mature,” and luckily we had a few cool things in that regard that were actually aimed at us. And kids are no different now — it’s kind of a problem because the things they are attracted to are not necessarily intended for them. We only stop looking forward like that when the forward perspective turns downhill…

    With your counter examples you’re off in diversionary territory. Did I suggest writing adult protagonists acting irresponsibly? No. Can you not write adults behaving responsibly? And while I do not actually believe GTA and similar cause real world delinquency (I actually suspect the opposite, based on the trends in adolescent violent crime relative to increasing graphic violence and realism in games, but that’s a whole other topic), I didn’t suggest that as the alternative either.

    As for Robin and Batman’s supposed homoerotic subtext, well… if kids even see that it’s due to corruption from other source, don’t you think? It’s not canon. Even so, Batman is not an option for you unless you’re doing work for hire at DC. I suppose you could do a Gun Fury sort of parody, but that’s all on you if you can’t think of anything better.

  384. Marquison 30 Jul 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Hey Long Time No Post, I need a way to make most of the population in a city gain powers.
    Any ideas?

  385. Wingson 30 Jul 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Magically or scientifically based powers?

    If its a chemical that causes a mutation, dump in into the water supply. If it’s an energy pulse, try radio waves.

    – Wings

  386. B. Macon 30 Jul 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Some scientific options include a massive radiation leak, a contagious disease, a chemical disaster resulting in a Bhopal-style gas cloud, water contamination, possible a hurricane causing a chemical explosion (and the wind storms spreading the chemicals all around the area), a freakish kind of acid rain, etc.

  387. Marquison 30 Jul 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Thanks guys very nice.

  388. Delveron 08 Aug 2011 at 1:15 pm

    ok…i have an idea for a story. A secret terrorist group known as the VAMPIRE’s (Vastly Advanced Motorvehicle Production and Intervention of Revolution and Espionage) are planning to kill humans who refuse to take part in their resistance against the world. Their leader, David Calvin believes that the world is already corrupted by the governments control that a bit of chaos would prove to be nothing but a small problem. So they begin to kill off the government in order to stop the world from being controlled by “wrong” people. David believes that he is the “right” person to rule the planet and control it.
    That’s when a group of people who call themselves the National Antiterrorist Group or NAG begin to assault the VAMPIRE’s. One soldier from NAG is taken into David Calvin’s group. He is twenty-two years old but has a spirit that is hard to break, and that is what David plans to do. Forcing the soldier, named Derek Ryler, to do manual labor and forced to become a guinea pig for science experiments.

  389. JMelloulon 08 Aug 2011 at 3:06 pm

    I’m afraid I don’t exactly understand what you want out of your story. I can’t tell the difference between what you want as the main plot and what you want as side plots. Could you elaborate for me specifically on what I said?

  390. B. Macon 08 Aug 2011 at 4:49 pm

    –Is “vampire” something you want us to associate with this group? Does it have vampiric characteristics? (For example, James Bond has SPECTRE, which is stealthy and hard to kill). Alternately, if they’re just a purely destructive force, could I recommend something like FIRE (Front for International Revolutionary Efforts)?

    –The words in the acronym feel sort of awkward to me. Vastly Advanced Motorvehicle Production and Intervention of Revolution and Espionage. For one thing, I think Intervention of Revolution and Espionage could probably be smoother as Instigating Revolutionary Efforts because “intervention of revolution” sounds like a weird use of the word “intervention.” I wouldn’t recommend forcing the acronym there.

    –Are vehicles really so important to this group that ~half of its acronym should be about its vehicles? If so, why call it VAMPIRE rather than, say, something more specific to vehicles or factories?

    –One of the main distinguishing traits of the villain’s organization appears to be super-motorcyclesmotorvehicles [UPDATE: Good catch, JM]. How old are the readers you’re looking at?

    –Why does David care about breaking the spirit of the captured soldier rather than just, say, killing him? Is there something special about this soldier? If so, what? (For example, maybe he knows some information that most other soldiers would not or the terrorists are keeping him alive because they plan on using him for something).

    –I like NAG better than VAMPIRE–it’s short* and the words don’t feel very forced–but I think the connotations of “nag” are not very heroic. What impression are you going for? What would you think about something like GATE (Guarding Against Terrorist Efforts or whatever)? GATE has a defensive connotation which I think might be fitting for this group.

    *When I use acronyms, which is not often, I try to keep it to 3-4 words. If the acronym is longer than 3-4 letters, I’m okay with leaving some of the letters without corresponding words.

  391. JMelloulon 09 Aug 2011 at 3:09 am

    Yeah I don’t really like the VAMPIRE acronym either – I agree with Brian that it feels forced. Likewise, I’m not a big fan of NAG, but it’s several steps ahead of VAMPIRE.

    Also Brian, it’s just motorvehicle not necessary motorcycle, if I understood correctly, though the same point could still be made (read as: me making that same point with motorvehicles rather than just motorcycles)

    In all just take Brian’s suggestions with a little more weight since I also found myself thinking the same things he said.

  392. B. Macon 09 Aug 2011 at 3:34 am

    “Also Brian, it’s motorvehicles, not necessarily motorcycles.”–ah, thanks. I misread that.

  393. JMelloulon 09 Aug 2011 at 3:56 am

    No worries 🙂 I reread the acronym multiple times trying to fully comprehend it (mainly the second part) so it was ingrained in my head and I just instantly noticed it when reading your post.

  394. Comicbookguy117on 06 Sep 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Hi guys. I’ve got a bit of a concern. Nothing too serious. So I recently came up with an idea for a superhero group story (3 members, maybe 4). The idea is that there is a company that launches the first manned mission into a black hole. This is a comic book universe, so I figure I’d go for something big you know? Anyway something happenes while they’re in the blackhole and they come back to Earth with superpowers.

    My question is this, how can I differeniate my concept from that of the Fantastic Four? Is my concept too similar to the of the FF? Or should I look into creating a new idea? I’d appreciate as many opinions as I can get. Thanks guys.

  395. B. McKenzieon 06 Sep 2011 at 6:42 pm

    “This is a comic book universe, so I figure I’d go for something big you know? Anyway something happenes while they’re in the blackhole and they come back to Earth with superpowers.” One possibility is that the black hole gives them superpowers in a way substantially different than passively receiving cosmic radiation. For example, maybe they meet someone/something and that encounter somehow leads to superpowers.

    Since the origin story does sound a bit uncomfortably similar to the Fantastic Four so far, I’d recommend taking a radically different tack on the character’s personalities. You might want to play with their backgrounds, too. The Fantastic Four were astronauts/test-pilots and scientists.

    Alternately, maybe the villain ties in differently. Perhaps the company starts by launching one vessel (with the villain aboard?) and that mission goes awry. The company gets a SOS call but communications are very spotty. Because scrubbing the mission while somebody is still alive in there would be a PR nightmare (and might even get them jail-time if they had ANY way to save the stranded crew) the company takes a backup test shuttle and hastily gets together an emergency substitute crew. Under these desperate circumstances, maybe it’s plausible that they’d bring somebody along like a mechanic or some other sort of non-astronaut specialist because they need to deal with whatever the problem was that disabled the first vessel.

    Well, anyway, they go after the astronaut but perhaps they don’t ever find him. He’s left behind and I can imagine that he’d be really bitter about that later on. (Let’s assume he survives and later makes it back to Earth somehow–maybe he meets up with a sentient race in the black hole that helps him repair his ship). The villain-to-be would probably be bitter that the replacement crew gets all the praise afterwards (for making contact with aliens or making some other major discovery), but it was HE (and perhaps his dead crewmates) that actually did the work (or so he thinks?). He might be angry at the company for sending him into space even though it didn’t fully understand the risks involved. He might want to strike back at the company as revenge/justice for his fallen crewmates.

  396. Comicbookguy117on 06 Sep 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Awesome! I can definitely work with that. In fact I was already considering the fact that they encounter something sentient. But I didn’t consider the angle with the villain. That was a very interesting and nice touch. I’ve still got a lot to consider, but this will help out. As always, thanks a lot B.Mac.

    By the B.Mac if you didn’t already figure it out, the ‘blackhole discovery’ mentioned in my script was the above idea. I decided to use that script as a lead-in to another story in my universe. You know, just to show that it’s all connected.

  397. Ed and alon 06 Sep 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Hey i question which you guys might think is a little weird. But want my heroes origin to be connected to 9/11. See the world I want to create is an alternate world where an alien race known as the “adams” are the once responsible for 9/11. Now my questions is , is it offensive or disrespectful tot those who lost there lives that day or there families for me to use this in my story??

  398. B. McKenzieon 06 Sep 2011 at 9:44 pm

    “Now my question is whether it would be offensive or disrespectful to those that lost their lives that day or their families for me to use this in my story?” Umm, understandably, it’s an extremely delicate issue. I do not believe it would be well-received to fictionalize the events of 9/11 in this manner.

    If I could offer a tragedy that might be less sensitive, could I suggest the Challenger explosion? First, I think it’d be pretty easy to come up with a reason aliens might want to sabotage a space program. Destroying a building in downtown Manhattan, not so much. Second, since the Challenger explosion happened 25 years ago and was an accident rather than murder, I suspect that the emotional response will be less visceral.

  399. Ed and alon 06 Sep 2011 at 10:31 pm

    Thanks alot, yea the story is still early in develepmont so the alternative you gave I could easily make work. Thanks again I’ll continue to work on this.

  400. ZombieLordon 27 Sep 2011 at 10:23 am

    Hey People!!!!!

    I’ve been on this site loads of times I mean Loads!!!!

    I’ve been thinking of writing a novel about dreams. Not just any type of dreams.Lucid Dreams. Firstly Lucid Dreaming is being in a dream and knowing you are dreaming this allows you to freely explore the DreamWorld.Its a concept that I’ve been extremely in to. Me and my friend always have dreams and are really excited to tell each other about them. When we dream about fictional dreams, playing with Mario, fighting with Batman, we call them fantasy dreams. But recently I’ve been having what seems to be a continuing dream.

    Its a a dream that seems to pick up where I left off. While walking with my friend I told him about it and he said man you should really make that a novel. Thats when my gears started to turn. This seems to be a really great idea to me, seeing as I’ll always be able to dream about something new AND come up with things on my own.
    I won’t make the things that happen seem too far fetched in fact at first most things will happen when the characters in my story dream. Later on I plan on making certain things in the dreamworld affect what happens in the real world. Please tell me what you guys think. I WILL write at least a couple of pages to begin with.

    ZombieLord Signing off>>>

  401. DAnderson 28 Oct 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Is it ok that my Gauntlet character is not a hero yet because he has fallen into darkness and he is trying to find his way back into the light, only then can be the hero.

    How could I use that to grab the reader’s attention?

  402. B. Macon 28 Oct 2011 at 3:23 pm

    “he has fallen into darkness and he is trying to find his way back into the light…” Could you elaborate on that? Depending on the details/execution, I feel like it could be effective, but I don’t have enough details to have an opinion on whether it sounds promising.

  403. Raleon 15 Nov 2011 at 11:19 am

    So I have a reworked overview of a story Ive been working on. I’ve posted about it here before but I’d like to know what you guys think.

    The story revolves around two teens and there each individual mentors. Max a teen just finished high school with no direction in life. And the second is Zane Maxs age who has been training to develop his “powers” since the age of 8.
    Maxs side of the story begins with him and his friends at a graduation party thrown in the nearby woods. During the part a red meteor like stone crashes nearby. Max and friends check it out only to find some kind of strange sword in a stone(is that cliche). As the teens get close a monstrous demon jumps at them. The teens run back into the party and the demon follows. As all party goers flee for there life Max hears a voice calling to him to get to the weapon. He makes sure his girlfriend gets to safety and he along with his best friend Jace run back into the woods.
    Back next to the meteor he sees Zane using “shadow like” abilities to fight off the demon killing it.
    Zane tells Max to back away from the meteor. He approaches it but Maxs hears the voice once more telling him that its his turn to wield the weapon as his father intended. Max tackles Zane and quickly turns and pulls the sword out which in turn transforms into red energy entereing Maxs body. Maxs hair turns red and spikes and eyes too. He also gets a few sharper teeth. Xander comes outta the shadows calling Zane “it’s time to go.”
    Xander and Zane gone Tyro a small silver cat comes out of the woods and with Jace they wake Max up.
    Max awakes in a small house in the woods startles by his new appearance and by a talking cat. Tyro explains to Max that the sword he has been inpowered with is called the “Lexicon” a weapon created by the “Guardians of the Worlds” centuries ago. Tho the weapon was always kept in the demon world Max is the first person chosen from the human world. He also tells Max that his father a demon warrior names Fierro was the last wielder of the weapon until he was killed right before Max was born. A spell was put on Max at birth to keep him looking human and not experiencing his power. But the Lexicon has broke the spell causing him to look like a demon.
    Tyro who seems to care for Max tells him that Zane and Xander are no problem but it’s the “others” who will come for the sword that he must prepare for. Max finally realizing what to do in life decides that he will learn to wield the sword and control his power as this is just the beggening. At the end Zane would be shown with Xander talking about how they must kill the boy to bring peace back.

    So that would be the basic overview of the first chapter of my comic/anime. I don’t get into detail but the relationship between Max and his girls friend Adriene will also be explores as they are at a point in life where they don’t know if they could stay together. And later on Zane would begin to get close to her. Also Beth Maxs friend who wants to be with him but he doesn’t realize. Throughout the overall story I want to show this characters develop and show how Max finding the Lexicon and Zane coming to spring city really changes this characters. Please let me know what you guys think.

  404. John 14: 27on 09 Dec 2011 at 9:28 am

    Hey everybody! It me your average explosively creative bundle of imagination here asking for help. I have this character that I’m creating this character that has the ability to manipulate light and electricity. I’ve done some research on these powers and the seem to be an extremely powerful combination a little too powerful. So of course I began thinking of a couple restraints/balances but can’t seem to come up with anything or anything explaining how he got those powers to begin with. BTW I want to stay away from biosuit(s) as an origin of his powers( I’ve done it in another one of my storylines do’nt want to use it again).

    I was thinking that his power(s) woud be more or less combat related or infused though but I’m not to sure about that. Please help!

  405. Indigoon 09 Dec 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Well if he has light manipulation, then he needs light available to manipulate, so maybe his powers don’t work in the dark, or if they do work in the dark, he could be like a flashlight and needs light to recharge after using those powers in the dark for extended periods of time…
    As for electrical capabilities, if it’s raining or if it’s too humid outside, he may not want to use his electricity lest he get electrocuted..Maybe you can limit his source of energy, sort of like the video gaime INFAMOUS, in that using his electrical abilities drains him and requires him to charge up by draining electricity from a nearby energy source, such as a car, lightpost, circuit breaker, etc.
    What do you think?

  406. John 14: 27on 09 Dec 2011 at 1:27 pm

    I like it. It’s a really good commonly use balance his powers and can be used as plot devices to add suspense or put my character a situation where he must improvise.
    Now I’ve got to come up with some awesome villains powered and powerless. Back to the drawing board. Ughh..but Whooray!

    Any suggestions, you guys on this site are absolutely talented.

  407. John 14: 27on 15 Dec 2011 at 9:54 am

    Hmmmm…he could be like a “flashlight” ehh? The Flashlight, that actually sound like a cool name for this character.

    Bistanders: It’s a firefly, it’s a lightbulb.. no! It’s the Flashlight!!!!

    Thanks Indigo 🙂

  408. Indigoon 15 Dec 2011 at 10:38 pm

    No problem John, glad to help 🙂

  409. DreamKidon 22 Dec 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Um Hey, I dnt Know How Active this site is but I really hope it’s pretty active.

    Firstly, I have a question. If my story is about Dreams and the people in the dreams have powers can I still post it here. I mean Its Not Really superhero.

  410. Marquis2988on 22 Dec 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Hey Dreamkid,

    Im Pretty Sure You Can, My story Isn’t about A Superhero. Anyways I’d be glad to hear about your story.

  411. B. McKenzieon 23 Dec 2011 at 10:37 am

    Sure, go for it. That said, take my advice with a grain of salt because I found Sandman highly disappointing and am probably not in your target audience.

  412. DreamKidon 23 Dec 2011 at 11:16 am

    I don’t know if it makes sense yet so I’ll work out some kinks.

  413. DreamKidon 02 Jan 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Ok so I’ve got th eplot and what not, do I post it here? Or is there some place else?

  414. B. McKenzieon 02 Jan 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Here’s fine.

  415. ashon 05 Jan 2012 at 6:57 pm

    i hoping if you could help with some kinks in making comic.
    well, i guess i’ll start with the origin ok

    . one day the sky was had 8 shooting stars fliing by. no one knew that they weren’t shooting stars, but really spirit balls. the spirit hit the city, causing a the city to be destoyed. alot of people died but a few lived. however, 8 of those people live because the the spirit balls went into them. 7 of them took over the person they hit but the 8th one didn’t. instead, that one let it host stay normal. the host was Cindy Stone, an 8 year old living in Siville

    any input on that

  416. B. McKenzieon 05 Jan 2012 at 10:34 pm

    –How well will your target audience respond to the protagonist being an eight year old girl? Usually, the audience most receptive to superhero comics is guys ~18-30. I can only speak for myself and don’t have a good idea of how you’ll develop the characters yet, but personally my preconception is that I’m about as interested in 8 year olds as they are interested in the Crimean War. I’d recommend reading Ender’s Game and Calvin & Hobbes, two really great examples of stories that make very young characters highly interesting to older audiences.

    –I would recommend proofreading very carefully.

    –So, there are 7 villains? It might be hard to develop that many. How long do you anticipate this comic being?

    –It sounds like the most promising thing here could be the relationship between the benign spirit and Cindy. I’d recommend giving that spirit a personality and an interesting voice because it sounds like it will be significantly more important to the success of the story than, say, the typical mentor. The main character is very young, so I’m guessing she will take more mentoring than the average protagonist would.

    –Destroying the city could really affect the mood. Unless you’re going for a dystopian feel, it might be worth keeping the destruction to a less-than-catastrophic level, like a few thousand deaths).

  417. ashon 05 Jan 2012 at 11:14 pm

    Oh that was origin on how she got her power ice/snow, the main story happens when she is 16, although I do like story of younger heroes, but I believe it’s best to keep a teenage range.

    Cindy doesn’t really change much physically beside a having an unnatural Mohawk that is like the spirit’s mane, but mentally she is different. With the lost of her family, she mostly keeps her self close off. There are a few who she lets in like her two best friends and her adopted brother.

    The other 7-> well there is one bad guy with 2 helpers, leaving the other 4 to be seen, like they on the back burner for now. Have any ideas for them.

    Siville is being rebuilt. The people that did survive the star day (nickname day) are giving nick names, shooters, fallers, and star people. Most people pity them which Cindy hates when they found out about her past. She can’t stand being pity.

    Now the spirit that in her, well I was thinking of it being in a sleep like stage but now that you said that, I think I’ll make it a mentor/student relationship.

    Her powers aren’t that strong. She can make snow and freeze things but with training, her powers would grow.

    She isn’t a typical hero. Her BBF Rocky kind of pushes her into it. Yeah she has a lovely friend, anyways, with her friend help she takes on the normal criminals ( like in real life) and some strange ones as well.

  418. Dream kidon 06 Jan 2012 at 8:28 am

    3 kids are constantly pulled into an alternate. World where they must protect a pillar that keeps hordes of monsters out of their world. A council of higher. Beings are in charge of keeping the real world and Mundus Novus ( What I named the alternate world ) separate . There are 5 pillars total

  419. Dreamkidon 07 Jan 2012 at 11:05 am

    Each Pillar Is Protected by a trio. There were 6 pillars but one was destroyed,The council decided that two watchmen were not enough. This is how I want my main character to be chosen. How? I don’t know exactly . Maybe you guys could help me out with this.

    I also plan on making it where the creator of Mundus Novus is actualy a former member of the council of higher beings. His name will Be Argis.

  420. Dreamkidon 08 Jan 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Dors that sound good? I can post a prologue

  421. Dream kidon 11 Jan 2012 at 11:48 am


  422. Anonymouson 11 Jan 2012 at 7:09 pm

    I have an idea for a superhero origin, and I would like to know what people think. So there is this normal person who lives in LA and an evil villain nukes LA with a special toxin, but the main character has a special blood type or an immunity for some reason I would think of later. He gets the power to turn invisible and telekinesis, and so he stops the villan from bombing the rest of the world.

  423. B. McKenzieon 12 Jan 2012 at 2:12 am

    “I have an idea for a superhero origin, and I would like to know what people think. So there is this normal person who lives in LA and an evil villain nukes LA with a special toxin, but the main character has a special blood type or an immunity for some reason I would think of later.” One thing that might help develop the character a bit more is if he survives the disaster because of something he is accountable for, rather than a blood type or immunity beyond his control. Some possibilities that come to mind:

    –For whatever reason, he’s been exposed to many diseases before. Maybe he’s worked in a medical clinic, with young children and/or on an aid trip to some really poor country. When the villain tries using a biochemical attack, he has much better resistance to the viral agent. (Alternately, it could be a waterborne biological attack). He reacts to the virus in strange ways, like developing superpowers or whatever.

    –He’s a mostly normal person but has been paranoid about catastrophic scenarios ever since some event in his backstory. (Maybe he got caught in the wilderness for a few days when his car broke down and he didn’t have a phone with him). So, when he gets hit with the toxin, he has some supplies on him that are surprisingly effective at keeping him alive. (For example, potassium iodine would be useful if the attack is somehow radioactive).

    –He made some unusual choice that ended up working out really well for him. For example, maybe he did something (maybe went in to check on a neighborhood) after getting briefly exposed and somehow got himself trapped in a basement or somewhere else that was well-protected against further exposure.

  424. B. McKenzieon 12 Jan 2012 at 2:16 am

    “3 kids are constantly pulled into an alternate. World where they must protect a pillar that keeps hordes of monsters out of their world. A council of higher. Beings are in charge of keeping the real world and Mundus Novus ( What I named the alternate world ) separate . There are 5 pillars total…”

    Personally, Dreamkid, I’m not a fan of the concept of pulling a character from the real world into some alternate world. I don’t think I’d be the best person to ask there. I would also recommend proofreading more aggressively.

  425. Marquison 12 Jan 2012 at 7:13 am

    Ok Dreamkid personally I think I’d have to read a section before saying whether or not it’s ok to write. Maybe write a preview from when they are first pulled into this Mundus Novus

  426. Comicbookguy117on 12 Jan 2012 at 7:39 am

    Real quick question B.Mac, how do I get a ‘reiew forum’? I don’t have anything like a story or even a preview type story. But I have an conceptual idea for a total redesign of the DC comic universe and would like to know what people of work I’ve done on the members of the Justice League. That’s all I’ve got so far, just details on what I plan to do with these characters. So what do I have to do to get a ‘review forum’?

    And Marquis, did you read my last message? You mentiond something about being interested in seeing work from me and I asked where that interest came from? I’m just curious because I don’t have any work on the site yet.

  427. Marquison 12 Jan 2012 at 11:08 am

    It came from awhile ago something about kids that learn spells and what not I thought it sounded good so i was wondering if you had made that your official story.
    maybe you can use that for your review forum.

  428. Neal and Hobbeson 12 Jan 2012 at 11:39 am

    Ok so my friend Neal and I writing a story for fun.its about what happens after the rapture. What happens to everyone and everything that didn’t accept Jesus into their hearts. Humans,Vampires,Werewolves,and Witches all struggle to survive the Tribulation . But what happens after? Will God accept them or will they still be condemed? What do you guys think?

  429. Comicbookguy117on 12 Jan 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Well Marquis, I am still working with that idea per say. That will be featured in the story I have developed but it will not be the focus. As for making that my review forum, I must be honest. I don’t really feel comfortable posting my personal projects up on a website. I don’t know exactly why and it has nothing to do with any of the great people I’ve talked to here. But I just don’t want my ideas stolen. This is why I’m trying to find out how to get something legally copyrighted. If this offends you or anyone else in any way, I apologize. But I’ve spent years working on these ideas, you know?

    So, any idea where I can post my redesigns of the Justice League. I’d like to know what you and others think.

  430. Marquison 12 Jan 2012 at 8:17 pm

    Maybe B.mac can give you a review forum? As for your story would you feel comfortable emailing me previews chapters and what not I don’t know how to convince you that I don’t steal story concepts other than saying I don’t steal story concepts Lol. I wanna make a new email address my other one is junk. It’s filled with mmo registration codes spam and Facebook messages.

  431. Comicbookguy117on 12 Jan 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Ok cool, send me you new e-mail and i’ll you send you some stuff. My e-mail is I’d like to get the opinion of someone who’s not my brother. Lol.

    So B.Mac, where can I post my information on my version of the Justice League?

  432. Marquison 12 Jan 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Ok my new email is

  433. MrNikSixon 12 Jan 2012 at 11:15 pm

    @Neal and Hobbes. An interesting idea. Another angle on the tribulation thing would be all the lawlessness and rioting that will be going on in a ‘Post Rapture’ world. You could have a crime fighting character which your protagonist meets, and could spark off some interesting discussion on how the situation should be handled: do they try to ‘rebuild’ the world (the crime fighters view) or prepare for judgement(protagonists view)?

    I am currently doing a computer games course with RMIT, and my next assignment will be to write a synopsis in film format and the same story in game format. I was thinking of doing a superhero movie/game and was wondering if anyone had any input into origins. It’s all a bit hazy at the moment, but I know for sure that it will be set in 50’s Chicago, and various super powered humans will be involved in the war on crime. There won’t be costumes and secret identities and all that rot. Simply crime vs. cops with some super powers on each side. The superpowers won’t be the focus, but I do need logical explanations for superpower origins, with one key plot point that has to be involved: the super powered humans have had their powers their whole lives.

    Any advice would be much appreciated. 🙂

  434. Anonymouson 13 Jan 2012 at 12:12 am

    What sort of side effects might a character who is losing his soul suffer from??

  435. B. McKenzieon 13 Jan 2012 at 4:37 am

    I’ve set it up here, Comicbookguy.

  436. Marquison 13 Jan 2012 at 8:56 am

    Anonymous I think you could make it where he loses function of his arms or legs or maybe even fainting if he over exerts himself.

  437. Anonymouson 13 Jan 2012 at 9:35 am

    Definitely fainting. Hmmm I was thinking something like as he loses more and more pieces of his soul, he begins to lose his emotions and become more distanced from his teammates

  438. Marquison 13 Jan 2012 at 1:44 pm

    That sounds good too. Just don’t make him to far gone or he want be able to accomplish his goal. Maybe there should be steps first he loses control of a body part for a small period of time then he faints then his emotions begin to go berserk

  439. Neal and Hobbeson 13 Jan 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Ok Neal and I are gonna post a prologue soon hopefully before the end of the day.Knowing Neal he’ll probably go overboard and already have like 5 chapters or something

  440. New Ralexon 29 Jan 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Hey everyone I would really like input so please let me know what you think about this idea I have. Ok first I’ve re-written this story quite a few times and this is just the current incarnation of this story.

    Max is a young 18 year old half human- half demon. When he was 15 his mother was attacked and killed by a demon named Roark the brother of Maxs demon father Fierro. Max was barely saved by another demon warrior named Tyro. Tyro an old friend of Fierro takes Max as his apprentice. Together Tyro and Max defeat Roark along with a few other demons Max being considered a hero. But Max decides that he wants a life away from this so decides to move in with his aunt Jenn.
    Now the story begins with Max working a “shitty” job at a local grocery store. He goes with his you g cousin,Josh, on a field trip to a local museum to see the unveiling of an artifact. During the presentation Max recognizes the emblem on the artifact. As questions begin two demon warriors attempt to steal it.

    As everyone runs Max gets backs into action and tries to stop the duo. 2 Blight Knights Xander and his apprentice Zane were already there and Max gets in there way accidently releasing and dark “essence” in the artifact . Zane kills the two demons. The crest on the artifact then transforms into a sword and infuses itself with Max. Xander and Zane get angry at Max as they tell him about the artifactt. It was a Dem-Cage. Created to hold the essence or “soul” of a demon and trap in. The crest on it was a seal of the Lexicon a powerful sword once used by Maxs father Fierro. Now with the essence released it will infect up to 20 people each given a dark “gift”.

    Xander and Zane contact the main Leaders of the Knights and are told to retrieve the souls at all cost. Max feeling guilty decides he wants to help as well but the Leaders don’t allow it. Tyro Maxs former mentor is sent to the city to make sure Max does not interfere with Xander and Zane. Max decides to do so anyways beggening the adventure!!

    So what’d you guys think for a chapter 1? I want it to be a comic book. If it continues it will deal with the relationship between Max and his friends and his rivalry with Zane. Zane will also begin to fall for a local girl names Adrienne who just do happens to be Maxs girlfriend. Also new villains and ally’s will be introduced. Including Josh gaining powers after learning that he is the reincarnated Thuner-Titan. Tyro will also learn if his son he never knew he had who now leads a team of heroes. And also Xander will be revealed to be working with the enemy crushing Zane who always looked up at him as a father. Zane’s dark backstory will also be explores. So please I want all your input. Thanks!

  441. B. McKenzieon 29 Jan 2012 at 9:07 pm

    –I think it might help to proofread more aggressively, especially when you’re ready to submit to a publisher. In particular, I think comma placement would help me follow what’s going on.

    –I think the plot summary may be easier to follow if the characters are introduced more gradually. By my count, we have five characters named or introduced in the first three sentences. (Nine in the first two paragraphs).

    –“Max is a young 18 year old half human-half demon.” I think this could be shortened, maybe to something like “Max is an 18 year old half-demon.” If you give us his age, I don’t think you need to tell us he’s young. Also, if you say he’s a half-demon, I think we can infer that he’s half human without being told (what else could the other half be?).

    –“Max [is] considered a hero. But Max decides that he wants a life away from this, so he decides to move in with his aunt Jenn.” When there’s an unusual decision like this, I’d recommend going a bit into the character’s rationale. It can help develop the character(s).

    –It feels contrived to me that the girl that Zane just happens to fall for is Max’s girlfriend. (A contrivance is when the plot hinges on a huge coincidence outside of the premise/inciting event). It might help if there’s some reason that they just happen to fall for the same girl? (One possibility that comes to mind: Zane goes after her because she’s Max’s girlfriend).

  442. New Ralexon 30 Jan 2012 at 1:02 am

    Good points. The reason Max decides to leave is because if he learns the reasons his mother left which was to give her son Max a normal life.
    As for Zane going after Adriene your right it makes better sense if he does it to hurt Max. But the storyline with Zane and Adriene is important to his character. Zane who starts off as a “dick” begins to have real feelings for Adriene. She also begins to fall for him. It affects Zane in a big way and he begins to change for the better. Especially after Xander betrays Zane. Adriene is the only person he has left. Of course Tyro will step in as a father figure to Zane, but it’s not the same. This will be time when Zane begins to learn of his heritage learning that he is one of 7 spawns of a dark demon lorn known as Zhada.

  443. Kal-Elon 21 Feb 2012 at 10:59 am

    im writing an origin story for a superhero i am eventually going to make a comic about. Nick Frost witnesses someone get hurt in a car accident and quickly rushes over to help them, instead of seeing a normal person he sees a man in a superhro costume with mangled angel wings. the man is badly injured and dying in Nicks arms, the man tells him that he is a angel sent to earth to protect it from an demon invasion, and says that his powers and the protection of earth must continue, as the man dies he touches Nick and passes his powers to him.

    What do you think?

  444. YoungAuthoron 21 Feb 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I like it Kal-El, its pretty good, although unorignal (green lantern much?). If he’s an angerl, why is he in costume? shouldn’t he be wearing like all white? how was he hurt? How is noone else there?

  445. Kal-Elon 21 Feb 2012 at 2:03 pm

    maybe the costume was a bad idea, and the man was hurt because he was fighting a demon in the air and the demon overpowered him and hit him to the ground which caused the car crash, and of course other people where there i just didn’t mention it.

  446. YoungAuthoron 21 Feb 2012 at 3:29 pm

    ok, so then the next part of the story would have to have the protagonist battle the demon correct?

  447. Kal-Elon 22 Feb 2012 at 8:26 am

    yep that would be the next part, but he has to work up to that he has to battle lower powered demons first then he will finnaly battle that demon which is the powerfullest demon. Nick also has to juggle school and his job aswell as protect the world, and i am struggling with a idea on how he discovers his powers for the first time, his powers are flight, super endurance and teleportation. any ideas

  448. YoungAuthoron 22 Feb 2012 at 10:00 am

    well the demon that killed the angel would probably start terrorizing to people below, wouldn’t he? and he’d need superstrength to battle a demon that good or it’d be unrealistic to see a boy (or man) punch a demon and send it flying. does he grow wings?

  449. Kal-Elon 22 Feb 2012 at 10:21 am

    ill add super strengh thanks for reminding me and i had another idea that maybe a demon invasion starts kind off like a prototype like thing that way the demon that killed the angel would start terrorizing people, and i am struggling with how nick discovers his powers for the first time, can you help

  450. YoungAuthoron 22 Feb 2012 at 11:13 am

    make nick fight the demon, and when he’s losing really badly, make like an angelic esscence awaken in him and thats how he finds his powers. Nick kills the demon. then, while the demon is dying, make then demon the nick that the invasion has already started. this leaves nick angry for getting the powers. nick finds something on the dead angel that helps him start learning about his powers as well as the invasion.

  451. Kal-Elon 22 Feb 2012 at 11:20 am

    i like that idea, maybe the way he finds out about the invasion is that when his powers come out he sees the angels memory’s and sees why he came to earth was to stop the invasion and that when it happens, and i was thinking that maybe he finds a sword on the angel that maybe helps him learn how to use his powers and that it maybe talks to nick through like a telepathic link to the sword.

  452. YoungAuthoron 22 Feb 2012 at 12:40 pm

    great idea! instead of a sword, make it a book or a pen or pencil that can morph into any weapon of divine fire/light

  453. Kal-Elon 22 Feb 2012 at 12:59 pm

    cool good idea ill make it a pen that turns into the sword that can shoot fire and stuff do you have anymore ideas

  454. YoungAuthoron 22 Feb 2012 at 1:10 pm

    does Nick get wings?

  455. Kal-Elon 22 Feb 2012 at 2:24 pm

    yes nick does get wings and i had a question how does nick fight the minor demons without powers wont he get killed

  456. Hobbeson 22 Feb 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I don’t know th epen that turns into the a sword is just like percy jackson and the olimpians ( most likely spelled wrong ) maybe he could learn a sort of summoning thing where he summons his weapon.

  457. Kal-Elon 22 Feb 2012 at 2:29 pm

    i might do that instead then it is just like percy jackson do you have anymore ideas for my characters

  458. YoungAuthoron 22 Feb 2012 at 4:05 pm

    good idea hobbes, i knew my idea sounded familiar. and why just a sword. why not a bow or an axe? the sword could be his main weapon though. What other characters do you have?

  459. Kal-Elon 23 Feb 2012 at 9:39 am

    well i have another character that is like the guy from prototype he gets his powers from a demon that takes over his body hes in the same universe as my angel character so both their city’s would be invected by demons but the prototype guy doesn’t have his powers when the angel character does, and im eventually going to make them join a superhero team that fights demons and villians. i have a question but how does nick or NightAngel fight the minor demons if he doesn’t have powers yet if he gets his powers by fighting the main demon.

  460. YoungAuthoron 24 Feb 2012 at 5:01 am

    Nick gets his powers b/c the angelic esscence awakens in him, correct? this helps him defeat the demon, and in turn, learn about the invasion. Nightangel(nick?) gets him powers b/c the esscence is awake. the his telepathic weapon (the pen/pencil/book/watch/earring/ some casual inanimate object) explains stuff to him in a slightly riddling way

  461. Kal-Elon 24 Feb 2012 at 12:32 pm

    yes but i want him to build up to the main demon, so i want him to fight some minor demons along the way but i think that if he fights the minor demons he will be killed, so maybe i have to kick start his powers earlier or the sword comes to him earlier and helps him figth the minor ones, and the powers can start when nick is fighting the main demon so maybe the sword has powers like shoots fire, lighting strike and stuff like that to help him kill the minor ones… what do you think

  462. James leeon 04 Mar 2012 at 3:33 am


  463. YoungAuthoron 04 Mar 2012 at 7:39 am

    @Kal-EL- good idea! good luck! 😀

  464. InfiniteRideron 06 Mar 2012 at 1:28 am

    Hey, I was searching for sites that could help me with my story idea when I came across this site. I have a story idea but it has nothing to do with superheroes and what not. I hope thats not a problem, if so I can leave this site. ( I don’t wanna waste anyones time).

    My story is in the developmental stage. Heres a General Overview:

    The story takes place sometime in the future. A new sport has started, Air Riding.
    – Names for this sport would be great. ( Haven’t really thought of any Gravity, or Aero something maybe)

    Air Riding is a sport where riders use air boards or OT Skates to race around the city. The city is filled with gangs and these gangs all have their own territorys and emblems to mark them.

    Air Riding is used to Race for territory, battle, etc. Need For Speed sort of feel.

    I want my Main Character to be a deliquent, that gets in way over his head when he tries to race a member of an infamous gang. After experiencing a humiliating defeat he decides to get better. While doing so he makes his own gang and starts to work his way up.

    How does this sound? Im really just writing this for entertainment purposes but i may decide to go for a more serious approach. Any helpful information would be greatly appriciated.

  465. B. McKenzieon 06 Mar 2012 at 2:54 am

    Alright, IR. I’ve set it up here.

  466. Wipeouton 07 Mar 2012 at 12:04 am

    Hey would like some help on an idea I recently came up with. It’s not really superheroes but it’s a “dragon ball” type story. What I have hear is more of a set-up and would like some help.

    Setting: a magical world filled with magic monsters and adventure.

    Main characters: Mark- A man in his early 20s. He has a big red sword which seems to have dragon scales on it. When young he found that his twin brother murdered his parents and then dissapeared. Finding his brother has been a priority. Mark is a serious warrior who can fend for himself. Not many friends but has been making a name for himself as a capable bounty hunter.

    Cory- A year ago this young teen ventures into a hidden cave near his village along with his friends. The found a diamond which they thought they could sell for a hefty price. But the diamon had a powerful demon in-prisoned. He accidently released the demon who slaughtered his entire village. A sorcerer was able to use a powerful spell which imprisoned the demon inside of Cory. Now the two share are in Cory’s mind. Cory is always fighting to keep the demon in check but at some points the demon is able to take over transforming Cory into a demon form. Cory has been on the run ever since. Not wanting to have interactions with anyone he is in exiled.

    Kiki- She is an 18 year old princess of the Crystal Kingdom. She is known as the “ice-princess” because of her natural ability to create and control “ice” . This magic makes it so many want her for the power. She is kept protected at all times. She hates it and wants to be able to be free and explore the world. Her dream is to travel the world.

    The story begins when Mark on his way to te Crystal Kingdom because he heard of a warior matching his brothers description was seen nearby. On his way he finds Cory being attacked by a group of bandits. He saves Cory. Cory is too on his way to the kingdom as he heard of a sorcerer there who is said to know the ancient exorcist spell. The two go together and a caught up in Kiki plan to escape the city……

    That’s the set-up I have do far. The idea is for the three to venture together. I would like some help please.

  467. B. McKenzieon 07 Mar 2012 at 5:04 am

    “It’s not really superheroes but it’s a ‘dragon ball’ type story.” My initial impression is that I would probably not be the best person to review this. I’m pretty far removed from the target audience for Dragonball Z. That said, it looks like you’re a pretty proficient writer, although I would recommend spending more space developing the characters (e.g. personality, distinguishing traits) rather than developing their powers/capabilities.

  468. Nightwireon 07 Mar 2012 at 8:35 am

    Hello everyone! After a long time of creepily lurking in the site, I finally decided to introduce myself. B.Mac, your site is awesome and I find it very helpful 🙂

    OK, so I’ve been gestating a concept for my steampunk-superhero novel, “Ghost In The Machine”. It is set in a Constructed World plagued with individuals who suffer from a mental condition called Tinker’s Syndrome (or Mad Scientist’s Disease) .Yeah, I know the premise is similar to Girl Genius’s, but I swear I came up with it independently.

    My protagonist, a young Tinker named Matthew Bartholomew Grayson, is a sophomore at the University of Cogsworth (think Unseen University for mad scientists). He is the son of Maxwell Grayson, a renowned toymaker (for being the only one of his craft to include a self-destruct mechanism in his toys).

    Matthew’s alter-ego is the Gremlin of Cogsworth. He has some sort of mind-link to a dead gremlin, which effectively causes him to share his mind between two bodies (the human one and the gremlin one). He is able to jump conciousness between two bodies at will, yet he cannot control both at one. So whenever he uses one body, the other one is basically dead.

    I already have most things planned out for my MC, but I am still stuck on the origin. I just cannot come up with a solid way for Matthew to gain his power.

    I need your help, please. 🙁

  469. Nightwireon 07 Mar 2012 at 8:52 am

    I’d also love to hear what you guys think of my concept.

  470. B. McKenzieon 07 Mar 2012 at 9:06 am

    “I just cannot come up with a solid way for Matthew to gain his power.” Well, he’s a mad scientist, right?

    –It was a mad science experiment gone wrong–a mostly innocent experiment gets interrupted or goes awry in some way (perhaps because of a lightning storm, sabotage, squirrel interference, a freakish impurity in the coal supply, or some other unexpected condition).

    –It was a mad science experiment gone right (the gremlin outcome was the intended result). Maybe they were doing research trying to figure out if humans could remotely control machines by sharing their mind with the machine. Well, that may or may not have panned out yet, but they have figured out how to share a human’s mind with a gremlin. A dying, particularly crazy scientist might rush this sort of research because he’s trying to figure out how to implant his consciousness in an automaton or some other vessel before his body gives out. But, if the research isn’t well-developed yet, he might want to test it on an intern/lab-assistant first.

    –He was experimenting with Forces Beyond Human Comprehension. Gremlins are like the personification of the limits of human science, right? It’d be thematically fitting if he were doing some sort of dangerous experiment and the gremlin got in the way at exactly the wrong moment.

    I find your concept interesting–you had me at “Unseen University for mad scientists.” Sounds very promising. What are the main character’s personality and/or distinguishing traits like?

  471. Nightwireon 07 Mar 2012 at 9:42 am

    Thanks a lot for your feedback, B.Mac! I find all of your suggestions very tempting, I think I may have to take some consideration. But I’m currently leaning towards the “scientific experiment goes haywire” route, ’cause I think it would be more thematically appropriate to my story.

    Now, to expand on my main protagonist:
    Matthew Grayson is a creative genius. Growing up in his father’s workshop, he developed a fondness for intricate machinary and mechanisms at a young age. He believes that every toy has a soul and it deserves to be treated with love. Matthew is one of nature’s engineers: he has the tendency to concoct obscenely elaborate solutions to very simple problems. He values curiosity, creativity and imagination above all else.

    Matthew’s biggest flaw is that he is a very impulsive person. When confronted with a problem, he always jumps head-on to it without any kind of clear goal in mind. This trait does have a positive side: it makes him very good at improvising, especially in situations where time matters the most. But sometimes, it bites him in the arse hard.

    Matthew is generally a likable lad. He gets along well with people, and everyone finds it very hard to dislike him because he’s just so damn enthusiastic about everything he says. People who knows Matthew often see him as a teenager with the soul of an excited nine-year-old.

    I hope this helps you have a general idea of what my MC is like. I will expand on his alter-ego and the University later. I have to go to bed now. 🙁

    P.S. Could you please set me up a review forum? Thanks.

  472. B. McKenzieon 07 Mar 2012 at 10:23 am

    I’ve set it up for you here, Nightwire.

  473. Nightwireon 07 Mar 2012 at 7:37 pm

    The Gremlin of Cogsworth is the last of his kind, since at the time the story happened, gremlins are an extinct species and generally considered to be just a myth. One of the protagonist’s main objectives is to uncover what happened to gremlinkind and how the main villain is connected to this.

    So in order for the origin to work, I have to find a way for my protagonist to somehow come across the only gremlin left in the world. Well, that’s tricky.

    Anyway, I’ve planned out that after gaining his power, Matthew used it to sabotage a conspiracy of scientists’ attempts to smuggle superweapon outside the university. By accident, he discovered the existance of a mysterious and malevolent entity known as the Glitch. The Glitch had the ability to possess and corrupt mechanical contraptions, making them to perform things they were not supposed to do, usually with deadly result (in short, the Glitch can be seen as an embodiment of mad science itself).

    And so, the Gremlin had to uncover the true nature of the Glitch and its ultimate goal, while trying to control the madness that is taking over the University…

  474. ArtKingon 21 Mar 2012 at 7:22 am

    How’s this origin story:

    Keep in mind that Oras are a superhuman race in my story- their souls are fused with the souls of ancient mystical creatures at birth and that cauldrons like Stone Blood are organisations that seek to conquer to world of Sidus. The seven royals are the leaders of the seven strongest cauldrons on the planet.


    Moto was born into the Apacchei family as the son of Whitewolf the leader of Stone Blood. He was born with a birth defect; he completely lacked arms since birth as in he literally was born without arms and being the first born son of one of the world’s greatest and most dominant warriors/ conquerors that was a problem. His father was always cold and calculating and saw his son as something to be ashamed of.

    For years he grew up being treated as either a sickly weak child or a disgrace and was exceedingly angered by this. So much so that he secretly trained with his younger sister who offered to teach him everything the cauldrons warriors had taught her about combat. It was harsh and difficult but even with his birth defect his determination and willpower pulled him through. He had now awakened a powerful Ora power, one that would allow him to prove himself to Whitewolf.

    Moto asked for an audience with his father, subsequently requesting that he be pitted against his little sister and brother at the grand arena; in order for him to prove himself. Mercy would be shown and they wouldn’t be allowed to kill each other of course given that they were all heirs to the leadership of Stone Blood.

    Whitewolf agreed but was still skeptical about his son’s boasts of skill… Skepticism Moto was sure he’d completely eradicate after he’d crushed his siblings in fair and honorable combat. When the fights broke out Moto made quick work of his arrogant younger brother Dragonwind and was to face his younger sister Tachana after. He also made quick work of her after a short even skirmish at first… His father then surprised the crowd by demanding that Moto kill his siblings…

    Such an order was impossible to honor however what could he do? Whitewolf was a ruthless and twisted man and would kill his children even if they were his only heirs if they proved too weak to follow orders. Regardless he couldn’t go through with it, he attempted to attack and kill his father, angry that when he’d finally proven himself a skilled warrior; Whitewolf just had to find some sick way to undermine him and he was damnwell sure he wasn’t about to kill his younger siblings.

    Nonetheless it was far from a fine attempt, Whitwolf who was one of the seven royals quickly defeated his son. Not just that; he downright humiliated the boy as they fought. He then held him up against a wall and said; “No matter what you do you’ll never be a great warrior. Hahaha you beat your little trainee siblings and you think you’re all that. Give me a break; you’ve always been useless. Not just cos you lack arms but because you’re weak on the inside too, I can’t believe you’re my son!”. He threw Moto out on the arena grounds and proceeded to point straight at him when suddenly a huge bolt of lightning came ploughing down at the boy. It destroyed most of the arena’s battegrounds but Moto still stood alive.

    His sister had absorbed most of the impact and he had survived… She died protecting him because he was too weak to do so himself. Moto managed to escape in the confusion and has since held a grudge. Promising to one day prove himself more than a disabled weakling and become a legendary warrior who could protect those he loved and would leave his mark on the world forever… And he would pay
    back his father in full for what had happened to his loving sister.

  475. Kal-Elon 19 Apr 2012 at 12:15 pm

    im writing a origin story for a new characcter im thinking of. the character is possed by a demon after the demon tries to escape demon hunters that are about to kill it, the character gets powers like the guy from prototype but im giving him different weapons and abilities, he gets these powers from the demon that posesed him and the idea for names for this character are armory or amorphous tell me what you think i need help with this

  476. YoungAuthoron 19 Apr 2012 at 7:45 pm

    @Art king- thats some pretty powerful stuff. 🙂 i like it a lot although I’ve heard that readers generally dislike disabled characters in fantasy stories because thir harder to relate to. maybe no hands or blind?

    @ Kal-EL- what worries you about this origin story?

  477. Kal-Elon 20 Apr 2012 at 10:29 am

    @YoungAuthor not alot of things worry me about this origin story, just things like making this character relatable, and things like how he discovers his powers my idea was that demon hunters get a huge rating of demon dna inside the character im going to call him tom i think, they chase him and the powers help him get away,and what name do you think would go better with the character armory or amorphous

  478. YoungAuthoron 20 Apr 2012 at 11:56 am

    @Kal-El- “demon hunters get a huge rating of demon dna inside the character im going to call him tom i think, they chase him and the powers help him get away”

    thats a good idea to start the story with. Whats tom like? what are his personality traits? Whats his background?

    “what name do you think would go better with the character armory or amorphous”

    describe this character^^^

  479. Kal-Elon 20 Apr 2012 at 1:26 pm

    @YoungAuthor do you mean start it like that then the story rewinds and tells you about what happened before, and for whats his personality hes quit angryhe hates the demon hunters and the random checks they do, and he doesnt really show his feelings. to describe the character he has powers like the guy from the prototype game so he can change his limbs into weapons the weapons im thinking about are like axes, big blades stuff like that he can also fly. also this character is going to be put into a team with my last character you helped me on NightAngel, im also making other heros to go into the team, i think i might call them demon squad or something and what name goes best with the character

  480. Digiteckon 28 Apr 2012 at 2:30 am

    I’ve been toying with this origin story. I wanted to make it more scientifically viable but I haven’t been able to get it quite original enough.
    Back in ancient times, a dying race of humanoid aliens called “Ankah” crash landed on a stone age earth. They evolved almost just like humans but had been around longer and so developed biological engineering to the point that with contraptions similar to that of DC’s Bane, they had super human abilities. They were dependent on which model you wore and there are 5 main original characters who will be developed later on in the series but are the back bone for almost all superheroes in this universe.

    Name of character- which model they wear with description
    Char -Kinetics A (vibrations of particles to create heat, so basically fire control)
    Mosely -Kinetics B (fluidity of particles, water with the potential for ice)
    Toxotes -Kinetics C (control over your own particles in relation to your surroundings, flight but also the way it’s done it takes out the danger of breaking windows with your sonic boom)
    Eye -and and a photosynthesis type model which allows you to manipulate vegetation matter and some rock types.
    There is one more which basically is for the highest ranking people including a General or Captain person called Zuard who has a larger roll. The model he wears enhances ‘human/ ankah’ abilities. Hearing, strength, telescopic sight, basically all the senses.

    The difference between Humans and Ankah, is a slight biological twist that, as the Ankah found out by testing it on some humans, enabled humans to take on the models and pass down their effects in their genetics. so didn’t need to have anything surgically attached to them. This lead to around 3% of the population by the year 2012, the time in which the series is set, to have abilities. Through history they were called Angels, demigods, diseases and even witches (though I’m going to incorporate actual magic in later). Now they’re called Superheroes/villains.

    Sorry it’s a little long but that’s the basis. As you can tell with certain bits, I couldn’t help but steal parts from famous comics. My main problem is no matter where I go with the story, it gets too close to either X-Men or the tv show, Alphas. The original idea was what would the human race be like if we carried on adapting to the environment rather than adapting the environment to us

  481. Kal-Elon 28 Apr 2012 at 3:22 pm

    im going to eventually do a superhero team comic after i do origin comics for each member. the world the characters are in is invaded by demons and a organisation called the demon hunters is always on high alert for demon attakcs. the first two members i have are

    NightAngel who gets his powers from a dying angel learns about a demon invasion coming to earth, he is to late to stop the invasion from happening and the demons infest the world. the powers NightAngel gets from the dying angel are super strength, teleportation, and flight from the angel wings we gets eventually

    Armory or armorous his comic is set in the aftermath of NightAngels comic, the demon hunters have set up demon energy seekers, and have set up checkpoints for people to be checked for demon energy, Armory or Armorous gets his powers when a demon poseses his body to get away from being killed from the demon hunters, at one of the checkpoints the demon hunters get a high energy rating from tom (the name i might give my character) they try to kill him, so he runs and his powers from the demon help him escape. the powers he has are like the guy from the prototype game so he can change his limbs into weapons and he can fly.

    My idea for the way they and the rest of the team get brought together is that there is a section of the demon hunters organisation that has been watching the members throghout their comics to see what they can do, and the reason they bring them together is to fight back against the demons more evectivally than the demon hunters can thanks tho their powers.

    so what do you think, is there anything i need to work on or do you have any ideas that i can add and also what name goes better with the prototype like character Armory or Armorous.. sorry its a bit long

  482. The Writeron 21 May 2012 at 7:26 pm

    I was thinking about writing a story about a guy in college who becomes a superhero. This is a plot summary:

    Terry Thompson is a college student at Colorado. He does much better socially than academically so when he hears about a top secret chance to test something for the military he doesn’t hesitate. A German scientist, Leonard Nero, believes that he has found a new way to alter the DNA of a human being to give them special abilities. He asks for six volunteers that he will put through trial and pick the top three to give his formula to. He chooses to go which means leaving college and going to San Jose to stay at Nero’s estate. He finds a girl he likes in the city and becomes close friends with another volunteer.  Terry is chosen and is given the power telekinesis  Terry happily goes along with the plan until one night after he returns to the estate from a bight in the city. He finds his friend, Roy in the laboratory close to midnight because he had a growing suspicion. Both of them sneak around the lab until they find a locked door in the back of the room. Terry uses his new telekinesis to open the door and when they enter, they find a confidential message in German. Fortunately, Terry can read German so he translates it to Roy. They discover that Nero has no relation to the U.S. government and that he in fact is a neo-Nazi and that the manipulative serums he has are from World War Two that he has improved upon. The serums are for him to manipulate the young minds of his volunteers so he can take over the world as he is still bitter about what happened to his family during the war. Terry and Roy agree that Terry will break out and Roy will meet him once he receives his ability. Nero ends up using the remaining four volunteers to help him with his mission. Terry must now fight to protect not only his family and friends, but the whole country from Nero’s terror. He takes on the name The Mentalist. Soon after Terry breaks away, the government sets up an organization to help him. They are called SHADOW and they are beside in Washington. Terry moves there into their headquarters and is dispatched from there. After killing three of Nero’s assistants, he decides that he lacks the motivation of killing teenagers like himself even if they are helping Nero. He walks away from that part if his life and goes back to college. He tries to ignore the reports he hears about Nero as SHADOW and the military are somewhat affective holding their ground. But he receives the news that Nero has kidnapped his girlfriend. He dons his alter-ego and once again becomes The Mentalist. He is also reminded that Roy is being held captive by Nero so his break-in at Nero’s estate will now serve two purposes. Once there he manages to save his girlfriend and get her away from the estate, but he is faced with a new enemy. His most powerful one yet who can change his hands into any item he wishes. After battling hard he is defeated and at the mercy of Nero’s henchman. The enemy reveals his identity and Terry is shocked to learn that it is Roy, or now Viceroy. Viceroy tells him that he will kill him another day so he can spend every day seeing what the world he failed to save is turning into. Viceroy leaves and Terry goes back to Washington full of hate and betrayal as he also learns that SHADOW lied to get him back.

  483. B. McKenzieon 21 May 2012 at 10:34 pm

    Besides being more social than academic, Terry sounds like he could use more of a personality. Roy, too. What are some unusual choices/decisions they would make that most other superheroes wouldn’t? (For example, what is it about Terry and Roy that make them the first to figure out that something is amiss with Nero?) For example, I think Roy’s decision to stay with Nero until he gets superpowers—even though he knows that Nero is dangerous—is highly interesting.

    “Terry and Roy agree that Terry will break out and Roy will meet him once he receives his ability.” This sounds like a very questionable strategy against a mind-controlling villain… is Roy unusually brave and/or reckless? PS: My initial reaction here was “this couldn’t end in any way but Roy getting mind-controlled.” Do they have any plan to keep Roy from getting mind-controlled?

    Although the setup with six volunteers competing for three spots is a red herring, I think it’ll help propel the story during the early and early-mid portions of the story. Also, it may help explain why Terry and Roy are the only ones to figure out what’s going on (the other four might figure that everything unusual that’s happening is some sort of test and that asking too many questions would cause them to get sent home).

    I like the idea of a false flag operation. However, I think you’d be better-served by more three-dimensional villains than neo-Nazis/Jerry-atrics.

    “Soon after Terry breaks away, the government sets up an organization to help him.” It might be more interesting if you forced him to try functioning on his own for a while—that’ll help him be more active and probably more interesting. Perhaps it takes the government agency a while to find him and/or convince him that it really is U.S. rather than another fake front.

    This isn’t a big deal now, but when you’re getting ready to submit, I’d recommend looking into some alternatives for “Mentalist.”

    “Nero kidnaps his girlfriend.” Kidnapping a guy’s girlfriend after he’s given up on the fight… Nero isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he? One possible alternative here is that her disappearance isn’t actually Nero kidnapping her but SHADOW secretly convincing her to slip out of town for a month or two and/or go into protective custody because she and/or her boyfriend would otherwise be in great danger. Terry might eventually figure out something is amiss based on how her parents react. (If they know she’s not really in danger, they might not seem as distraught about the supposed kidnapping as most parents would be if their child got kidnapped).

    “Viceroy tells him that he will kill him another day so he can spend every day seeing what the world he failed to save is turning into. Viceroy leaves and Terry goes back to Washington…” Sorry, but if I were evaluating the manuscript for a publisher, I would have passed on it at this point. My suggestion: when the villain beats the hero, don’t have him release the hero unless the villain gains something from it. Releasing the hero rather than, umm, mind-controlling him sounds like a rather questionable call for the villains. One possibility is that the villains figure that releasing the hero might cause more damage to the protagonists than killing or MCing him would. For example, 1) it sounds like he’s got some ideological issues with SHADOW, so he’s probably not much of a reliable protagonist anyway and might even sabotage them out of spite, and 2) the villains can stick him with a tracker or something in the hopes that he leads the villains back to something or someone that SHADOW is keeping safe (e.g. a device the villains want, a prisoner, a mastermind adversary, etc).

    “Terry goes back to Washington full of hate and betrayal.” Yeah, I think that sums up pretty much everybody in Washington except for maybe the hot dog vendors. Some days I’m not sure about them, either.

    “SHADOW lied to get him back.” For example, faking the kidnapping of the girlfriend would work, I think. I would imagine he’d be ESPECIALLY surly if she eventually got ACTUALLY kidnapped (perhaps a SHADOW agent got mind-controlled). He might blame SHADOW for what happens to her.

    “Fortunately, Terry can read German…” This might feel contrived—he’s not a very bright guy academically, but he just happens to know a language well enough to read a document which would probably be pretty advanced? I’d recommend having him use an online translator or having a brighter character do the translation. Maybe Roy is more gifted that way.

  484. The Writeron 22 May 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Thank you so much for your great ideas. One thing that I did leave out was that Terry did in fact try to manage on his own but figured that if he stayed by himself he would eventually be overwhelmed and/or it would put his loved ones in harms way. For the idea of his girlfriend being captured I came up with a different idea. This is supposed to be the first story in a story arc and as the story goes on the reader will learn that SHADOW has lots of secrets and is not as ‘good’ as it seemed at first. It still is part of the government and has the same goals as Terry, don’t get me wrong, but they lie and do some things behind peoples backs to get their way sometimes. So that being said, what if SHADOW actually took his girlfriend and blamed Nero for it to get Terry back? My other idea is that Terry learns about Roy because he is not in costume at the time of battle as Nero would not have known about Terry coming back for his girlfriend.

  485. B. McKenzieon 22 May 2012 at 6:15 pm

    “So that being said, what if SHADOW actually took his girlfriend and blamed Nero for it to get Terry back?” It strikes me as unnecessarily nefarious… Is there any reason they’d kidnap the girlfriend rather than have her voluntarily disappear? (Is there something about her that makes her likely to refuse an offer like “Hey, your boyfriend’s been fighting a supervillain and you’re on a hit list. Would you like to spend a month or two in Miami or Hawaii while we sort this out? We’ll pay for the apartment”). She might refuse the offer because of the conditions they’d need her to follow (e.g. she obviously can’t talk to her boyfriend or to anybody who’s in contact with her boyfriend). Or maybe she’s so devoted to her work that she’s not willing to abandon it.

  486. The Writeron 22 May 2012 at 7:08 pm

    What happens earlier in the story is Terry is with his girlfriend during Nero’s first attack so he is forced into action and therefore reveals that he is a superhero in front of her. She has also dealt with SHADOW before. While SHADOW might ask her if she is willing to leave the area for a while, Terry could still call and contact her where as if SHADOW kidnaps her, even for a day or two, Terry cannot reach her in any way. She is also in college, so it would mean taking a few weeks off even though Terry has protected her before.

  487. The Writeron 24 May 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Another reason why this is important is because Terry has an escalating problem with the head of SHADOW and begins to trust him less and less which builds into the plot line of Terry being unsure of what to do.

  488. The Ed and Alon 26 May 2012 at 11:36 pm

    Hey guys I’ve wrote some previous work on here but here I have a more revised current story and I would really like some input.

    Max is a teen living a pretty normal life in Spring City. He’s not really the brightest teen around but he’s deff and athlete. With the help of his best friend Jace and girlfriend Adriene he has been getting better grades. Everythkng in his life seems perfect. But one night during a party in some local woods a bright light crash lands nearby. Max and Jace go to investigate. As they do a group of monsters who are demons attack the party and out of the darkness behind them a witch named Malice follows.

    Max and Jace try to figure out what exactly the red “artifact” is. As Max gets closer the item turns to red energy and enters Max’s body. Max’s eyes begin to glow and a large amount of energy is released from Maxs body pushing Jace back knocking him unconscious. Back at the party the teens all flee as Malice makes her way to Max’s location. Adriene also begins looking for Max.

    Max having fell after the energy left his body he now notices a big red sword in his hands. The “Lexicon”. Malice and a couple of her wild “demons” approach Max. She refers to Max as the lost son of Fierro and tells him that she wants him by her side as one of her warriors. Confused Max wants no part of anything and drops the sword which disappears. Malice gets angry and annoyed and send her demons to grab Max. But a small silver cat quickly tackles Max down and tells him to follow him and assures him that he is a friend. The small cat blast the two demons with and energy ball from its mouth and runs off.

    Max sees Jace unconscious and decides to grab him and carries him as he follows the cat. Finally arriving at a small cabin in the woods the cat tells Max his name is Tyro and he was a friend of Maxs parents. Max confused as he had lived with his aunt all his life never having met his parents. Tyro reveals to Max that he is a half demon son of Foerro a demon who sacrificed himself to save both the human and demon world just moments before Maxs birth. When Max was born Maria his mother hired a witch to put a curse on Max causing all his demon side to be negated. And now that the Lexicon, a demon weapon thought lost with Fierro, has returned and become one with Max the curse is broken and all of Maxs demon abilities are gonna begin to come.

    Jace waking up to the story doesn’t beleive it and Max either. Max and Jace decide to leave but Tyro warns that Malice won’t give up easily and it won’t be long til others learn that the Lexicon is back and that Firerro has a son. Tyro promises that others will come for him and Max must be prepared to defend himself. Max decides he wants nothin to do with this and leaves little does he he know his journey is just begening…….

    That’s kinda just the set up obviously there’s more but I would really like to know what you guys think of this so far.

  489. Kal-Elon 31 May 2012 at 10:14 am

    ive been toying around with this character for a while tell me what you think about him.

    Tom Walker lives in a world where there is a secret government organisation called the demon hunters that have been on the look out for demon attacks since the Angel/Human/Demon War (need a better name for that), this organisation does checks for Demon DNA on humans (Demons in the comic can possess humans body and use them to hide themselves) at a number of checkpoints around the city. Tom walks passed a checkpoint after the demon hunters have got a high reading on someone and are about to destroy the demon that was hiding inside the humans body, the demon sees Tom as a healthy human so it quickly posesses him to survive. im going to start the story after Tom has got his powers and is trying to hide them the best he can, untill he passes through the checkpoint and the DNA scanner gets a high reading from him and he has to escape from them.

    Toms powers include.

    Shadow Control: Tom can take control of peoples shadows and can conjure up shadows to help him fight his enemies.
    Flight:Tom can fly with his demon wings
    Armoured skin: Tom can cover his entire body with demon armour and can make sheilds
    Fire Control: Tom can conjure up flames from his hands and uses it as a weapon.

    so what do you think of this character and if you could give me advice on this character i would be very greatfull

  490. Revengelon 31 May 2012 at 10:39 am


    What are his motivations? The powerset could be interesting but I feel it will be the person that Tom is that will draw in the reader.

  491. Kal-Elon 31 May 2012 at 11:11 am


    ive not really thought about his motivations the only thing i have thought about is that maybe the demon hunters killed his dad because they got a high reading from him and maybe he is just trying to get answers because instead of getting the demon out of his father they just killed him, and about what type of Tom is he a very angry person because he cant forgive them for killing his dad and hes a lonely person because his dad is not there anymore and he had a very good relationship with his dad. also he would rather be alone than have freinds so he isnt that popular at his high school. what do you think about that.

  492. Revengelon 31 May 2012 at 12:08 pm

    @ Kal-El

    This helps! I understand that you’re still fleshing out the character, so keep at it! With what you’ve written here so far here’s what I can glean as a reader:

    – He may be motivated by revenge. After all he’s furious that his father was killed rather than saved.

    – Tom began with anger management issues, and his father’s death may have put him over the line.

    – As he embarks on his personal mission he wants to keep innocents out of the way…which is one reason why he’s a ‘loner’.

    Based on this he could certainly be on a path to redemption…but that’s just a thought. You’re the storyteller!


  493. Kal-Elon 31 May 2012 at 12:56 pm

    cool thats gave me a few more ideas thanks, i also had a plan to bring him together with more of the heros im making up, maybe he has an issue with working with other people

  494. Revengelon 31 May 2012 at 1:16 pm

    All possible!

    Back on topic – something that can help with your character’s origin is this: when you write it show us how his feelings about his father, how he was killed, how he accepted (or tried to reject?) his new powers and how it’s changed his life are connected. That would do the following:

    – Give us a reson to care about Tom.

    – Explain how Tom got these powers.

    – Show how Tom intends to move forward from there.

    Hope that helps,

  495. Kal-Elon 31 May 2012 at 1:29 pm


    thanks for the advice youve helped alot, about the whole reject/accept his powers i was thinking i could do a bit of both, so maybe the demon and tom fight over who should control the body and tom wins the first time and he rejects them for a while, then he could maybe save someone or a few people with his powers so this is the accepting his powers part.

  496. YoungAuthoron 31 May 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Kevin Hartline is the 17 yearold son of a billionaire. He’s arrogant, selfish, stubborn, and carefree. The story begins with his cocky self strolling into his father’s skyscraper and hitting on the receptionist, who even though she is 20, has slept with him numerous times. His younger, more moral brother Edward intervenes. They meet their father in a meeting and the reader gets a small insight into Kevin’s dysfuntional family. Kevin storms out of the meeting and meetrs up with his mentor, and wise old janitor named Bernie. After an incident with Bernie, Kevin again storms off and enters a secret lab. He starts breaking things to anger his father when he gets stuck in an acid chamber while either smoking a joint or playing with a lighter (haven’t decided which to do yet.) He gets bathed in a chemical mixture and wakes up in a hospital bed. The chemicals get dumped into a pond. Three kids, two boys and a girl go swimming in that pond and have similar reactions to Kevin. (will become his superteam.) Kevin goes to school two days later and while getting a drink of water in an empty hallway, he coughs and breathes out fire. That night, he goes out to play superhero and finds out what his powers are. (breathing fire, super-strength, flight).

    How it sound? all feedback welcome! 😀

  497. B. McKenzieon 01 Jun 2012 at 7:05 am

    Hmm… I appreciate that Kevin has a personality, but my main concern is that he sounds like a much less likable version of Tony Stark.

    –Not to take away from the points that Stark is loud and occasionally self-obsessed, but he has some moral complexity (e.g. his regret over selling weapons and the altruistic bent of his scientific work), which makes it a bit easier to look past his excesses. I think Kevin could use some of that (and ideally something that comes from him rather than prompting from his brother or the janitor).

    –Sleeping with his dad’s receptionist feels a lot more seedy to me than Stark’s relationship with Pepper Potts. It might be less unlikable if he’s mainly going after young ladies at nightclubs rather than people at his dad’s workplace. Alternately, if you’re dead-set on having him hit up the receptionist, maybe there’s something about him that made it plausible that she was actually interested in him for some reason besides money and/or that he’s the boss’s son. For example, Stark is helluva charming and intelligent. PS: It feels strange to me that a major company has a 20-year-old as a receptionist (rather than, say, a 24-year-old college graduate with 1-2 years of experience). Maybe she’s an intern or something, but then sleeping with her would strike me as sleazy bordering on rancid.

    –I would recommend coming up with some explanation for how the four people are exposed to the chemicals besides the chemicals inexplicably getting dumped in a pond (unless this company is supposed to come across as notably incompetent). Also, the explanation of how he gets stuck in an acid chamber could also use some work to be more believable. Two possibilities that come to mind: he accidentally exposes himself to the acid (perhaps because he accidentally damages a safety seal while he’s breaking things), or maybe somebody is intentionally trying to injure him (if he’s using his dad’s name to bang an intern, it wouldn’t utterly shock me if he’s crossed enough lines at the company that somebody would want to kill him—if a scientist was being let go because the prodigal son destroyed something in a tantrum which compromised years of testing data, the scientist might regard setting the boss’s son up in some sort of fatal “accident” as a fitting way to get revenge on the idiot that got him fired and the company in general). However, it seems sort of weird that somebody could just sort of stumble into a highly dangerous chemical chamber… don’t they have any precautions against that?

    –I would recommend giving this character some traits which are likable. For example, maybe something which gives him some goals in life besides being petulant and horny.

    –I’d like to see the character actively taking on more challenges. It’s not very much of a challenge for a billionaire’s son to go after his dad’s receptionist—it’s easy enough that the success would probably not be very satisfying to readers. It might also help if he took more of an individual role in terms of acquiring superpowers and/or turning his life around.

  498. YoungAuthoron 02 Jun 2012 at 7:16 am

    Thanks B.Mckenzie!

    “Maybe she’s an intern or something, but then sleeping with her would strike me as sleazy bordering on rancid.”

    ^I like this idea! I’ll change her to an intern of some sort.

    “Also, the explanation of how he gets stuck in an acid chamber could also use some work to be more believable…(perhaps because he accidentally damages a safety seal while he’s breaking things), ”

    ^This is what i have happening to Kevin. He’s going to break the saftey seal on the chamber by throwing a rack of test tubes at the code lock. The chamber will open, he being as curious as he is, will step inside and get locked in. Then the chamber with start up and he’ll get doused in the chemical mixture.

    He’ll get powers and at first will go on a joyride with them and when he fails to save someone, he’ll take the advice of his janitor/mentor and turn his life around.

    “it wouldn’t utterly shock me if he’s crossed enough lines at the company that somebody would want to kill him—if a scientist was being let go because the prodigal son destroyed something in a tantrum which compromised years of testing data, the scientist might regard setting the boss’s son up in some sort of fatal “accident” as a fitting way to get revenge on the idiot that got him fired and the company in general).”

    ^This will be his first supervillain. His dad finds out he has powers, so he agrees to make him a supersuit if Kevin agrees to publicaly thank Hartline industries for it and gives them the rights to sell things of him such as action figures and what not.

  499. YellowJujuon 02 Jun 2012 at 9:57 am

    @YoungAuthor, the janitor/mentor instantly reminded me of Karate Kid

  500. YoungAuthoron 02 Jun 2012 at 10:59 am

    He doesn’t train him but he advises him. much like and alfred or like morgan freeman in the batman movies, but your worry is legitimate 🙂

  501. B. McKenzieon 02 Jun 2012 at 7:21 pm

    “Maybe she’s an intern or something, but then sleeping with her would strike me as sleazy bordering on rancid.”

    ^I like this idea! I’ll change her to an intern of some sort.

    God help you.

  502. YoungAuthoron 02 Jun 2012 at 7:27 pm


  503. aharrison 03 Jun 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Maybe the young woman in question is working at the company partially because she’s related to someone in a higher up position at the company. Perhaps the daughter of one of the top scientists or a member of the board? It would give added incentive to that person to want to kill him.

  504. YoungAuthoron 03 Jun 2012 at 3:59 pm

    @aharris and B.Mckenzie -the building is designed so that the higher the floor you work on, the higher your rank/more important you are=more money. she is the receptionist for the bottom floor so she gets lower pay than the receptionist on the second floor. She doesn’t appear for the rest of the story but she’s there to help introduce Kevin’s character before he gets superpowers.

  505. aharrison 04 Jun 2012 at 3:17 pm

    OK, here goes nothing. This is a character I’ve been playing around with for a while. The big issue with this one is that if I go with her and start writing, she essentially has a hidden origin which is a no-no, I realize. The thing is that I find her concept an intriguing one.

    Nemesis was originally created as a means of getting close to an assassination target. “The Dragon Lady,” the only known name Nemesis has ever given for her original personality, was assigned by her clan to perform a hit on a street pastor who was amazingly effective at locating members of criminal organizations and street gangs who harbored doubts about their criminal lives and were beginning to secretly want out. Maybe if all he had been doing was getting people out, it would have been enough, but he was also convincing them to sing, and the gangs were taking some serious hits. After repeated failures to take him out, the Dragon Lady was chosen because it was thought that her psionic abilities would let her get close to the mark where no one else had yet succeeded.
    The pastor in question was not an ordinary man. He had some minor superhuman abilities including some extraordinary charisma, some minor powers of persuasion, and a sixth sense making him a hard target. In the end, even the Dragon Lady needed to resort to extraordinary measures, so with the help of some hypnotic suggestion, the Nemesis personality was created.
    She was originally conceived as a thin veneer of a personality, a disguise. Her job was to be convincing enough to hide the Dragon Lady. So, they gave her a false background as the youngest and least wanted child of illegal Chinese immigrants trafficked into the US by the Chinese triad. Her parents had not wanted a useless extra daughter with a weird ability to “hear” what other people were thinking, but when the Chinese gangsters to whom they owed their lives become interested, they had jumped at the chance to sell their suddenly valuable daughter off. The Chinese gangsters in turn, had traded her off to the assassin clan who had treated her brutally all during her training, and now, she was having second thoughts about being a murderer for hire.
    Nemesis was never intended to be anything more than a weak mask, deep enough to convince the target, but not so firmly rooted that the Dragon Lady couldn’t re-assert her control at any moment. However, the target didn’t trust easy, and it took a long time get close enough to carry out the hit. During that time, the pastor’s powers started to work some subtle changes on Nemesis deepening and strengthening her as a persona making her stronger and giving her a better grip as a full-fledged personality. And, Nemesis started to discover during this time that she liked the pastor.
    By the time the pastor finally trusted her enough for the Dragon Lady to feel confident in making her attempt at assassination, it wasn’t as simple to just push aside Nemesis and permanently banish her as it was supposed to be. In fact, while Nemesis fought and ultimately couldn’t stop the Dragon Lady, neither could the Dragon Lady destroy her, either. And Nemesis was aware of everything the Dragon Lady did as she made the hit on the pastor whose sixth sense had alerted him that something was about to go horribly wrong a split second before it did.
    The pastor himself was not entirely defenseless, so even though he couldn’t stop the Dragon Lady from killing him, he could and did focus everything he had into one last desperate outward explosion of charismatic energy. That last explosion knocked the Dragon Lady out and freed Nemesis. She frantically locked her original personality away into the depths of her mind as tightly as she could to prevent losing control again. Unfortunately, by doing so, she sealed away most of her true memories (the actual memories of her past rather than the fake ones that were created). Confused, disoriented and guilt-ridden because she was left with no alternative but to think that she had killed the pastor herself although she no longer really remembers exactly what happened, she flees the scene and the city in guilt. Presently, she thinks her past is the one created for her, and she doesn’t realize that much of her personality is co-opted from the Dragon Lady and tinkered with by the pastor to create something else, something that’s still unforgiving and harsh but no longer the ruthless and sadistic killer it used to be.


    1. Yeah, I need to change out Dragon Lady. I know it’s a trope name, but that is how the character appears in her mind. She’s really sort of a composite of the original personality and the sifu who trained the original personality. The idea when they were tampering with the character’s psyche was to create a sort of mental bogeyman who would be intimidating enough to help re-establish control.
    2. I do know the details of the original personality’s past, but even after Nemesis fully recovers all her memories, she keeps those details pretty well buried out of a sense of shame (they no longer feel like things that she could ever do even though she remembers them as things she did) except for a few tidbits that may leak out. Is that second origin really that important since the character is the created personality and the story is more about how she subverts and replaces the original/dominant personality in the course of her adventures as an anti-hero/hero?

  506. B. McKenzieon 05 Jun 2012 at 4:00 am

    I think the dual personality (The Dragon Lady vs. Nemesis) makes the story harder to understand and perhaps unnecessarily convoluted (e.g. her fake backstory). Is it necessary? Creating a personality hypnotically is not the most intuitive way to disguise an assassin… one possibility is that it’s a necessary countermeasure to make it harder for the pastor to detect her intent.

    I don’t know whether there will be any suspense about whether the pastor will turn the assassin. It looks to be a foregone conclusion. One alternative would be cutting the hypnotic dual personality and instead making it that the assassin has always been uneasy about her job, BUT she angled her way into this mission in particular because she thinks that the pastor is the best chance to make a clean break from her employers. (For example, maybe her employers have her actual parents or could easily kill her parents if she just tried to run). Then the suspense could come from (among other places) uncertainty about whether the assassin can rescue her parents and/or otherwise undercut the gang before the gang starts getting suspicious about why she hasn’t killed the pastor yet. (Other potential obstacles: can she convince the pastor that her change-of-heart is genuine? Perhaps he perceives that she doesn’t feel as guilty about her crimes as most of the ex-criminals that he has turned, or perhaps one of his informants tells him that the gang has deployed a young woman to kill him and he wonders about where allegiance actually lies).

    Regarding the pastor’s death… One possibility is that the gang correctly guesses she is likely to fail because the pastor is so persuasive and perceptive, so the gang sends a second assassin. The second assassin might succeed while the Dragon Lady is speaking with the pastor because the pastor is distracted by the conversation. (Another possible chronology: 1) the assassin rescues her parents with the pastor’s help, 2) the assassin returns to thank him, 3) the pastor either is dead when she gets there or is killed by the gang while she thanks him, and 4) she executes a revenge plot).

  507. Revengelon 05 Jun 2012 at 6:32 am


    I say go with it. I feel that the sucess of the story will be in how you tell it, rather than changes to the plot. Granted that’s all within moderation – there are some plots the best writer can’t save and vice/versa. But I think you have something solid here.

    I’ll admit you have to be careful about how you reveal the ‘Dragon Lady’ origin; I handle something similar by writing about two different characters while dropping hints throughout the book. By the end when the reveal shows up a reader could (and perhap would) go back & re-read portions of the book to pick up the clues. However it’s a tightrope to walk to be sure.

    I think this has potential, and the origin I think is fairly solid! You’ve got a good framework; how you build on that framework and how you show it to the readers will create the payoff.

    Just a personal view,

  508. aharrison 05 Jun 2012 at 7:58 am

    @ B.McKenzie Hmmm, I see. This is intended to have happened in the past before my actual story starts, but it does look something like a plot for a story all its own and one that might be well worth exploring … I guess the idea I was playing with is what makes a hero and what makes a villain and how far divided are they really? On the one hand, this character could have gone on to become the most ruthless and terrifying leader the clan had ever known, but on the other hand, she also could become a powerful force for good taking down that same clan (the actual plot for the story). My question to myself is where and what is that moment? And how do you explore those pivotal days/months?

    The idea for the character is that she also happens to be an artist who does a lot of drawing and later painting. While she herself is emotionally on a very tight rein, the emotional range in her work is phenonemal, and a lot of the more disturbing notions and bits from her past memories tend to float up there.

  509. Edgukatoron 06 Jun 2012 at 12:21 am

    OK, floating my story idea.

    Dante Jazz starts his life as a kid with big dreams and hard luck. He comes from a rough part of town, and basically ends up facing a prison sentence. Thing is, all of his crimes have been small time; petty larceny and marijuana, but the city he’s living in has a three strike rule.

    The thing is, the city’s “no-nonsense” policy towards crime is largely a result of political corruption, with the mayor receiving kickbacks from a private prison industry to make sure they a getting a steady stream of dollars from the local city council, and the prison, in term, using the prison to make money from other industries.

    In this environment, Dante takes a plea bargain. In exchange for a greatly reduced sentence, he becomes a test subject for a pharmaceutical who are hoping to develop chemical treatments to create new heroes, under the guise of repairing physical disabilities. Jazz becomes a successful test subject, gaining superhuman speed, and “coincidentally” has a job waiting for him when he has finished his time, working with a super-powered mercenary agency, basically becoming a bodyguard for the rich and famous.

    After a couple of years of “indentured slavery”, as he jokes about it, Dante quits, moves to the city of Majestral on the basis that there is no existing hero team there. Dante doesn’t want to be a hero, but this could be his chance to make it. He treats it much like a pro-athlete who knows he’s good – he doesn’t really care about winning the game so long as his stats make him a hot trade.

    He’s going to face the choice – is it more important for him to be rich, or to be free?

  510. B. McKenzieon 06 Jun 2012 at 6:57 am

    Some thoughts and suggestions, Edgukator.

    –The protagonist has a backstory but it sounds like his personality and distinguishing traits could use more development. One possibility here: it seems counterintuitive to me that rich people would want bodyguards straight out of prison. Was there some reason he was selected for this program? (Maybe there’s something appealing in his background besides his lack of major convictions? Alternately, maybe he spreads false rumors that he was a stone-cold killer in the military to discourage other prisoners from making trouble with him*, and one of the guards recommends him for the program without double-checking whether he actually was in the military).

    –I’m not sure I understand his motives. After a few of indentured servitude, he voluntarily becomes a superhero in Majestral? “He treats it much like a pro-athlete who knows he’s good – he doesn’t really care about winning the game so long as his stats make him a hot trade.” I don’t understand this analogy. Pro sports are a paid career. Is he being paid to be a superhero? If he’s not being paid, does he care enough about helping others to risk himself in this way? What is the “trade” he’s hoping to set himself up for? (Getting called onto a more prestigious team after making a name for himself in a smaller city?)

    –“After a few years of ‘indentured slavery,’ as he jokes about it…” This character is not obviously whiny and it doesn’t sound like the period of indentured servitude covers most of the book, but I’d recommend checking out #4 here anyway: “I’d much rather read about, say, a drafted superhero trying to get himself fired or blackmail his boss into letting him go than someone who just complains about how much he hates being drafted.” At the very least, maybe as an indentured servant he executes some plans to make his life more pleasant (e.g. sabotaging a problem teammate or leader to get him shipped elsewhere or fired).

    –Are there any non-convict superheroes? It might be interesting if there were trust issues or some other sort of tension/conflict between the non-convicts and the guys that came out of this program. Or at least some tension between the convicts and their supervisors, although hopefully there’d be more moral complexity to the supervisors/leadership than they got in Suicide Squad. (For example, I think Dynamo 5 handled a morally ambiguous team leader really well).

    –I’m not sure about “Jazz” as a name. For one thing, it doesn’t feel stylistically similar to Dante, resulting in a jarring and potentially cheesy feel like British superspy Michael Jazz Simmons. Some possibilities that come to mind: his last name is actually something like “Jaspers,” but he changed it to Jazz for stylistic purposes. Or maybe it’s Jasz, but he goes by Jazz because it’s a lot easier for most Americans to pronounce.

  511. Revengelon 06 Jun 2012 at 6:58 am

    I like the moral play here. Couple of questions:

    – Dante/Jazz has a criminal record and his identity is known by the mercenary company. What’s to stop them from ratting him out if he turns heror and/or up and leaves them?

    – How prevelant is supercrime in your world? How common is it for a city to “need” a hero?

  512. Revengelon 06 Jun 2012 at 7:06 am

    To hop on & cosign what B. McKenzie wrote:

    – I can see celebrities wanting bodyguards, but not felons. However are they aware of felons? You mention that the prison employs detainees “for other industries”. Is this an example?

    – On the ‘Pro Athlete’ angle, I somewhat agree with B. McKenzie. If you’re saying that as an athelete he’s spurred on by the challenge that’s one thing, but ‘pro atheletes’ are paid. Is he looking for compensation?

    – Related to the last bit, check out West Pacific Supers: Rising Tide to see a take on Supers being treated like they’re entering the NFL. We’re talking pay scale, contracts, endorsements and…a super draft.

    Hope that helps.

  513. B. McKenzieon 06 Jun 2012 at 7:38 am

    “I can see celebrities wanting bodyguards, but not felons.” On a minor point, this particular bodyguard might not be a felon. Petty larceny is usually a misdemeanor and possession of marijuana might be a misdemeanor (depending on how much was involved and whether he was using it himself or distributing it to others).

    My initial thought on this was “what sort of bajillionaire would rather have a convict bodyguard than, say, a former Secret Service agent or Navy SEAL?” It occurs to me that rich people that are themselves criminals (and/or might need a criminal accomplice at some point) would probably feel more comfortable with a convict bodyguard than a white hat. It’d probably make for a rather interesting client list.

  514. Revengelon 06 Jun 2012 at 8:27 am

    I think the crux of the convict bodyguard is this: Is it known that they are an ex-con? Does this corrupt prison system expunge records to slide them under the radar? Do they flat out lie? Any of these and I can see an enhanced car booster/crack dealer getting the job to protect J-Lo. If there’s full disclosure then I totally agree with B. McKenzie: SEAL FTW.

    Now if it’s a case of ‘I want street cred’ then that’s different. A celeb wishing to appear “Thugnificent” would certainly prefer a convict to a SEAL.

  515. B. McKenzieon 06 Jun 2012 at 8:57 am

    If they REALLY wanted thugnificence, I’m available for $75/hour $150/hour as of 10/2012. Chainguns sold separately.

    It could also be the case that there just are exceedingly few non-convicts with superpowers, because the testing process is too dangerous for them to use it on SEALs or the like. So, if you want a superpowered bodyguard, a (possibly minor) criminal record might just be part of the bargain.

  516. Edgukatoron 06 Jun 2012 at 10:14 am

    @Revengel / McKenzie

    Sorry guys, a lot of that was already in my head but I didn’t express it clearly. Thanks for helping me think this through and get it clear.

    Part of the world I’m creating is one where corruption is whitewashed. Most of the big “legitimate” companies deal in less than reputable ways. Corporations have a lot of power over what is seen as legitimate and what is not.

    The three strikes idea is actually based in reality. There are cases where someone was sentenced to 25 years for stealing a set of golf clubs on the strength of previous convictions. The private prison idea also comes from reality, with corrupt judges in some places getting financial kickbacks from the prisons for insuring enough prisoners to keep their prisons running (google “kids for cash”).

    Yes, the prison has a deal with a company that creates supers for the private market, and in turn they use their connections to quash the records so the supers they produce appear squeaky clean. As to why hire these guys as mercenaries? Most ex-seals end up working for governments and cities. Cities compete for the top heroes (I’ll have to read Rising Tide to make sure I’m not rehashing old ground), and there is also a set of black op teams where some of the more dangerous supers are employed (known as Veto Units).

    Enter the Kestral Protection Agency, which was started by a couple of former Veto supers, but who saw a hole in the market. Billionaires could buy almost anything they wanted, but this was one market that was largely out of reach. Most legitimate heroes enjoyed the adulation of the city (and a number of them are genuinely principled, if not always squeaky clean), and the Veto teams are really well paid. Hence Kestral designed a factory system for creating low powered bodyguards for the discerning businessman. Emphasis here that Kestral agents are low powered, and that some of the more powerful (and perhaps diabolic) corporations don’t employ Kestral. They have found a niche in the market between the big boys and those too small to employ them.They don’t just use ex-cons, (athletes and pro-fighters were also popular) but found it easier to get volunteers in the prison system, especially when they have a few tricks up their sleeves to put the pressure on.

    As to why Dante Jazz? He was known as Jetset while in the program. He’s handsome, witty and stylish… a player, not a thug. He served a particular market, where businessmen needed bodyguards who could blend in to upmarket environments. He is well trained in the etiquette of upmarket gatherings. He knew when to shut up, and when to put down a potential threat. His sense of style played in here, because that tended to impress the customers. He just hated it. He felt like a monkey in a suit, to steal a cliche.

    As for the sports analogy, I’m trying to convey his personality. Jazz is chasing government sponsorship, and Majestral should have the money available. He chose (well, actually his talent agent chose it) because it is the largest city without a city-sponsored team, and have a large tech industry, so they must be bringing in tax dollars. He sees opportunity. He sees money, legal money, and luxury. He’s not really interested in being a hero, per se, but he knows he has the skills for it and he’s drawn to the spotlight. Heroes, in this world, get sponsorship deals.

    As such, he is as interested in saving the day with style as he is just saving the day, sort of like pro-athletes feel the need to spike the ball or add a rotation on the jam. For Dante, he adds the flourish to get his name in the papers or on the prime time news, hoping this will lead to sponsorship deals. I see this being a large part of his character arc, as this will actually lead to him failing to save the day, or making bad decisions (rescue the rich heiress, doom the family of five) and it will play against him.

    The story will start with his move to Majestral, and most of the back story will be told in small conversations and plot elements throughout the story. Kestral will actually move into Majestral, not as bad guys, but trying to beat Dante to the contract (*spoiler* and actually will beat him to it).

    As for the name, I’ll take it under advisory. Dante was actually inspired by a couple of sportsmen (Dontae Williams, Dontae Williams) and went with the older spelling to demonstrate his attitude (“I know how to spell my name! These clowns think I’ve got no education”). As for Jazz, I’m not sold on it. It’s going to be a fake last name, but he insists on not going the traditional hero name root because of his experience with Kestral.

  517. The Writeron 09 Jun 2012 at 3:23 pm

    This is my latest idea for a story:

    Lance Holloway is a scientist experimenting on the life of bugs in South America. When he finds an abnormally large praying mantis, he takes some of it’s eggs and DNA to see if it matches with any other form of insect. He stores it in a jar to keep and study later. He goes to check out more of the area. However, when he takes the eggs the mantis attacks him and bites and scratches him. The mantis dies immediately after attacking him and then Lance passes out. When he wakes up he doesn’t feel too well and he finds that a native man found him out in the jungle and took him back to his house to help him. There they look at Lance’s wounds. He tells Lance that the mantis bite has poisoned him and is going to kill him unless he injects the mantis DNA into himself in order to become counterbalance the toxins and make him immune. After injecting the DNA, he faints once more. This time, he wakes up with green cuffs around his wrists. The man asks him what happened to his wrist and Lance tells him he doesn’t know. He tries to take the cuffs off but cannot. Trying to pull it off, he accidentally triggers it and it forms a green shell around his whole body, giving him a helmet over his head that looks like a mantis. On the inside of his hands are retractable spikes and he has intensified vision. He also has a pair of wings attached to the shell and better agility, speed and flexibility. The shell is almost impossible to break. Lance thanks the man and goes back to his home in Seattle. At first Lance hides this from everybody.
    A man from the same part of South America as the mantis cross-breeds insects and alters them to create new ones. He is the man that created the mantis. That man hears about Lance from the man he stayed with and he in turn is payed by a drug lord, Luis Santos, to do the same thing to himself but with wasp DNA. At first it fails so he injects an overwhelming large amount of the DNA. This causes him to lose his sanity and he starts attacking the whole village and destroys it. He can fly, has better vision and hearing, and can shoot poisonous darts from his hands. That man calls himself Black Jacket. The drug lord tries to use him for his own benefit but Black Jacket does not have enough self-control. After the Luis takes Black Jacket to his compound, he starts killing people and trying to destroy the place. Luis as well as his armed assistants manage to drive him out, but Luis knows he needs help and that he needs to stop the Black Jacket. Ironically, he does feel some guilt for creating Black Jacket and although he is a drug lord, he decides that it’s his responsibility to stop him, even if it means life in jail. When the attacks become televised, Lance sees the similarities between his story and Black Jacket’s. He goes back to South America and is contacted by the drug lord. Luis tells him everything, stating that he would rather end this whole mess and go to jail rather than watch the destruction of small villages and death of hundreds of people. Lance, now Mantis, agrees to help him. He comes up with a solution that if Luis shuts down his drug company, he will let him walk. Luis agrees and gives Mantis all of the personal information about Black Jacket. After an attack in Sao Paulo, Lance finds him pretty quickly. In the battle, Mantis tries to talk to Black Jacket, but he clearly is not in a condition to think. The only thing on his mind is killing Luis because he is the one who had him take the DNA. Lance concludes that the amount he had injected was too much because there was no poison for it to act against and it could therefore take over his body. Black Jacket won’t and can’t stop so Mantis is forced to kill him. Lance tells Luis that the deed is done and that he’ll let the government work out what to do with him, but that he himself won’t take any action against him. Lance then returns to the United States.

  518. rick crawfordon 13 Jun 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Wowzers! Tip #3 It may be useful to tie your character’s origin story to the villain’s plot is something I never considered. I recently finished a story called Stink Bomb. The bug in the story is a superhero and the villains are two spiders. So Stink Bomb’s origin is related to the spiders because…well…he is an insect and insects are related to spiders except for the leg thing. Hmmm? That’s a stretch I think. I may need to think about this.

  519. Brianon 18 Jun 2012 at 5:42 pm

    I thought of a young (16-17) black guy who was very poor and due to being born in a family of drug dealers he became one himself. He has a friend (or maybe a brother, don’t know yet) who has recently been arrested by a crime his friend/brother commited and is in a juvenal facility (he’s also 16-17). One day while dealing drugs in a corner our hero sees a humanoid creature teleports in front of him, scared he pulls out his gun and threatens the being who is very weak and hurt. The creature attacks him but the hero shoots and kills the creature. Since there was nobody around, the hero try to dispose of the body but notices the weird clothes and gadgets he has so he decides to steal them. He puts on the clothes and realizes they gave him superpowers (now, i’m not sure which superpower but i think it would be superstrenght and teleports, maybe with portals) he uses the powers to break his friend/brother out of the facility, become rich and get even with his family, whom he blames for his crappy life. Also, after taking off the clothes to take a shower he realizes that the powers stay with him whitout it but lose the strenght after use.
    His friend on the other hand is trying to reeden himself and after using the costume for a while and also getting powers( not sure but maybe psychic powers, to contrast) he decides to use them to become a hero ( I use hero loosely, they’re not “nice guys” boy scout types).
    They eventually learn that the creature which gave them powers was acutually a god who had a fight with an entity that is killing these gods and absorbing they’re power. This creature is after this god’s armor which happens to be with our heroes.

    What you guys think?
    I haven’t read the other stories on this page so i hope i’m not copying nobody…
    Also, sorry for the bad english, I’m Brazilian.

  520. Hotrod198on 19 Jun 2012 at 6:23 am

    I need some help. Currently, my hero is known as Voltage and, as you can probably guess, he uses the power of electricity. My question is, what is a possible way I could go of creating his origin without being too cliché. I mean, the first idea I had was he has an accident in a power-station but miraculously survives the electrocution and gains his powers. But to me, that seemed a little bland and possibly overdone.

    The second idea I had was, using a new robotic suit that scientists have created to replace Ion Cores (Power supplies, release electricity), the man accidentally touches two of the Iron Cores together, causing the Iron Cores to melt in his hands and seep into his blood through cracks in the exo-suit and in through the pores of his skin. The blood then becomes greatly overcharged with positive ions, causing his body to react and become electrified.

    I like the second idea, but I’m not sure how well it would be receipted…. does anyone have any hints, tips or ideas they’re willing to share, please let me know!

  521. Will ton 19 Jun 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Nice, but they lack detail. How come he touched the ion cores? Did some one accidentally give them to him(villan)? Do you have a weakness? My hero Download, a gelatinous shape-shifter is weak to extreme cold because of the high liquid content. The weakness influences the power because it undoes the transformation.

  522. Will ton 19 Jun 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I need major help. My hero is a human 13 year old called shadow. Shadow was injured in the assault on his foster planet Morphos by the Dark Emperor and his army of mecha-zombies. He was healed by infusing a Morphobian’s DNA into him. This gave him shape shifting powers beyond the norm of morphobian’s and the ability to reconstruct his body after a blunt attack but will be unconcuse. He learns that he can download items so he can construct them with his body. Thus he calls himself download.

    How does this sound? Every time I start writing I get stuck.

  523. Will ton 19 Jun 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Here is Shadow’s personality.

    Lonely-he is the only surviver of the fall of the utopia Mu on Earth
    Semi-social-he tries to fake being happy and some times is
    Impulsive-just a bit

  524. Yuuki12on 23 Jun 2012 at 10:37 pm

    I have an idea for a superhero origin story, but I don’t know if it’s good enough. The basic plot goes like this: Derek Masterson is a teenager who lives in Seattle. He’s care-free, though very absent-minded and is of course like many trying to just get through life. However, he’s eventually transported to a mystical place, where he’s been chosen to see if he can become an Adjudicator of the Omini-verse.

    The organization in many ways is similar to the Green Lantern corps in that it’s their goal to protect others. HOWEVER, what differs from the idea (aside from the mystical aspect vs. alien), is that these heroes powers’ are called Soul affinities, which are gained through Life orbs.

    These items, which the organization makes it its sole duty to locate them, send out messages to those who they believe will be a match for them. It’s here that the Magistrates (kind of life the guardians on Oa), find these people and such place them through a trial, called the “Rite of inheritance” to see which individual the orb resonates with the best.

    If there’s someone worthy, the orb will automatically bond and unleash it’s energy and such that person shall be bestowed the powers of that orb.

    The second difference which is emphasized is while an organization to which protects individuals, they are not above to killing enemies. This is explained in their rules called the “Stature of discipline”.

    The clause that explains this dark approach goes like this: The enemy must present “A distinct and crystal dangers if to remain alive”. These are not limited to harming and or killing of civilians, endangerment of a realm and or world, or any other haness crime to which cannot be forgiven. ”

    So if there are enemies which are too dangerous to be kept alive an Adjudicator is within his or her bonds to take them out. HOWEVER, to make sure this rule is not abused the Magistrates claim that the stature must be treaded carefully and that upon killing said enemy are to be gathered for a discussion with them to get their side of the story.

    If sufficient, they will of course not do anything. BUt if not in their eyes, the Adjudicator may face punishment. In the case of Derek, while content with having powers (despite being annoyed at times), he’s not thrilled at first with working with them, believing their too stuck up and stuffy.

    So all in all, how’s the concept for the story?

    I know it’s very rough and all, but hopefully it’s on the right track.

  525. YoungAuthoron 24 Jun 2012 at 5:42 am

    @Yuuki12- I have just a couple questions.
    1)How does Derek get transported to this mystical place?
    3)What are the Soul effinities?
    4)What are the LIfe orbs?
    5)What powers come witht the orb?
    6) Does Derek stay in the mystical place or go back to earth to be a “Adjudicator “?
    It seems like a good origin story and i like it, but I think there are some points that could be cleared up. Good luck!!!:)

  526. Yuuki12on 24 Jun 2012 at 7:39 am


    First off thank you very much for responding. With that said, allow me to respond to each of your questions.

    For the first one, Derek is transported there through a type of teleportation. He’s sitting in his room, gazing at the stars, when he notices an especially bright one. This of course turns out not to be a star; rather a beam to which teleports him.

    For the second question as to why he was teleported, it was because the life orb required it. When the Magistrates select Adjudicators they base them on the orb’s decision. This is because the orbs are a conscious entity to which scan all of the realms, based on certain characteristics they resonate with.

    For example, the orb that selected Derek did so not because he was brave or loyal; rather it was his humility and self-sacrifice (which he displayed) that sealed the deal for him.

    For answering your question on Soul Affinities, these are powers derived from the life orb. When a life orb decides to share its power, its energies bind to the user’s Soul. This is crucial for the Magistrates describe this process like the opening of doors, where the user’s soul, which its consciousness could be a one with the user. Thus, it is the unity both the entities share that the powers emerge.

    With that said, there are drawbacks to be granted such power. When the energy from a life orb is transfered to an individual, it merges with his or her life force. So in essence, if a person were to loose his or her powers, they would die. It is this reason that even the council members, cannot remove the abilities.

    As for what powers come out of the life orbs, they are not the same. All life orbs will bestow different abilities. The categories for the powers are known, but even the Magistrates admit, as they learn more about them these are shifting.

    The first type of Life orbs are known as the Body type or Corpus. Abilities like super-strength or speed go under these requirements. But also lesser powers like camouflaging or wing generation might be apparent.

    The second type is known as Mental or Mentis type. These powers of course focus on other powers like telekinesis, telepathy etc, but can also focus on sensory powers like ESP or empathy, or astral projection.

    The third type of Soul Affinity is a Beast type, or Bestia (latin for beast, much like the other powers). These of course revolve around animals, shape-shifting into antrophromorphic forms of a specific animal, communicating with a specific animal etc.

    These tend to be a little rarer to find. Not that these are much more powerful than the others. As the order claims, it’s not about the power, but the individuals behind it. What makes them especially potent is not only may their physical skills will be enhanced, but they will gain some characteristic of a specific animal, like the speed of a cheetah or strength of an elephant.

    The final type of Soul Affinity is the elemental type or Yuanshu. As it claims, the user has control over a particular element or force within nature. These tend to be the one of the strongest types of Soul Affinities, BUT are also the most difficult to master.

    Don’t get me wrong; many of the other Soul Affinities need time to master as well. The main reason lies in how unpredictable the forces of nature are and such forces, like fire and lightning can be very destructive if not controlled properly.

    As claimed, fire, water, wind, earth and lightning are the classic elements. However, there are many non-classical elements, like slime, smoke, ice etc that make up the catergory.

    In regards to Derek, he’s received Sound manipulation, a somewhat rare, but still very hard to master Soul Affinity.

    Finally, for your last question, Derek is transported (rather, unexpectedly) back to earth, where the Magistrates assume he’s taken his role as the Adjudicator. However, he isn’t interested; rather just trying to get a handle on his powers and his life.

    Until the arrival of an evil force which of course wants the destruction of the planet and another Adjudicator, is when he takes his position seriously.

    All in all, I apologize for how long the message was, but I hoped that answered your questions to the fullest.

  527. YoungAuthoron 24 Jun 2012 at 10:18 am

    Your welcome, it was my pleasure, and hopefully by answering these questions you have made your orgin story clearer not only for your reader but yourself as well. 😀

  528. YoungAuthoron 25 Jun 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Here’s an orgin story i have revised. All feedback welcome!!! 😀

    Kevin Hartline is an impetuous, arrogant, vain, snobby, immature, intelligent, witty, laid-back, charismatic son of multi-billionaire Adam Hartline. He visits his father’s skyscraper b/c he has the day off at school. After flirting with the intern receptionist, he makes his way to his father’s office. After getting in a verbal row with his father, he seeks out his mentor, 66 year-old janitor Bernie. After getting in a confrontation with him too, he gets sent to a secret underground cave lab via an elevator tantrum. he explores and finds a master computer monitor that shows his fahter’s office. He watches his father say that he will cut him (kevin) out of the inheiritance. This sets Kevin off into a. anger frenzy and he destroys the research in the lab (test tubes, beakers, etc). He sets it aflame with his lighter before ignoring the orders of a locked out scientist and enters a chamber. He gets bathed in chemicals, drowns, burned alive, and survives a cave in of the cave lab (after his father and the other scientists failed to hep him and left him to die) unscathed. He even goes to his pretigious school after two days in the hospital. (school socially split between rich and poor) He and his goons bully a nerd and when things get physical, a one handed push from Kevin sends the nerd into the lockers and alsmost kids him from the impact. :O Kevin gets away with it and tells his best friend Michael Conroy III (a rich gadget geek) about his powers. After testing they find the extent of Kevin’s powers (fire breathing/super-strength/flight). He trains these powers for about a week. While he is in school, there is a fight between Hellfire(villain) and Soaring Eagle, the best hero around. Kevin rushes into action. while helping SE fight Hellfire, another two heroes show up and help Kevin and SE save the day. Kevin gets the name Black dragon from media. Grady Walsh (Metalhead, flight/control over metal {think magneto}) is the boyfriend(sorta) of Roxanne Lopez, the other hero, unknown to Kevin but she is the independent new girl at his school, is Dawn Angel (flight via huge wings and can harness sunlight to make weapons of her imagination). She knows who he is but he doesn’t know her. SE takes them under his wing and Kevin’s father gives Kevin a super suit in return that Kevin thanks Hartline industries publicly for it. Meanwhile Ellis, roxanne’s uncle and a scientist who made the chemical mixture attacks the setting (new dawn city) as Octogon with eight mechanical arms that shoot poison darts. He forces Kevin to a make difficult decision without the help of his superfriends who have been poisoned/out of commission. Octogon throws Kevin’s little brother off one side of a building and a little girl off the other, making him have to save one of them. He ends up saving both and winning the day along with fame and roxanne away from Grady. Sadly Kevin’s homelife is falling apart, with his drunkard mother, and his father starting to go crazy. His father tries to get rid of the poor people in NDC by spreading a toxin in their water supply. Kevin stops him but finds his father dead. It tunrs out his father’s right hand man and personal enemy of Kevin’s, Benjamin Walsh IV, a clever, greasy type of guy is behind it all. (storm powers) He is Grady’s brother and together they kill SE (who they find out is Bernie’s son). Roxanne and Kevin stop them from killing the poor citizens of NDC, killing both in the process. story ends with city safe, roxanne and Kevin together and both being introducted into the League of Heroes. (like the JL).

    Whatta y’all think??? please respond 😀 forgive spelling errors.

  529. YoungAuthoron 27 Jun 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Here’s an orgin story i have revised. All feedback welcome!!!

    Kevin Hartline is an impetuous, arrogant, vain, snobby, immature, intelligent, witty, laid-back, charismatic son of multi-billionaire Adam Hartline. He visits his father’s skyscraper b/c he has the day off at school. After flirting with the intern receptionist, he makes his way to his father’s office. After getting in a verbal row with his father, he seeks out his mentor, 66 year-old janitor Bernie. After getting in a confrontation with him too, he gets sent to a secret underground cave lab via an elevator tantrum. he explores and finds a master computer monitor that shows his fahter’s office. He watches his father say that he will cut him (kevin) out of the inheiritance. This sets Kevin off into a. anger frenzy and he destroys the research in the lab (test tubes, beakers, etc). He sets it aflame with his lighter before ignoring the orders of a locked out scientist and enters a chamber. He gets bathed in chemicals, drowns, burned alive, and survives a cave in of the cave lab (after his father and the other scientists failed to hep him and left him to die) unscathed. He even goes to his pretigious school after two days in the hospital. (school socially split between rich and poor) He and his goons bully a nerd and when things get physical, a one handed push from Kevin sends the nerd into the lockers and alsmost kids him from the impact. :O Kevin gets away with it and tells his best friend Michael Conroy III (a rich gadget geek) about his powers. After testing they find the extent of Kevin’s powers (fire breathing/super-strength/flight). He trains these powers for about a week. While he is in school, there is a fight between Hellfire(villain) and Soaring Eagle, the best hero around. Kevin rushes into action. while helping SE fight Hellfire, another two heroes show up and help Kevin and SE save the day. Kevin gets the name Black dragon from media. Grady Walsh (Metalhead, flight/control over metal {think magneto}) is the boyfriend(sorta) of Roxanne Lopez, the other hero, unknown to Kevin but she is the independent new girl at his school, is Dawn Angel (flight via huge wings and can harness sunlight to make weapons of her imagination). She knows who he is but he doesn’t know her. SE takes them under his wing and Kevin’s father gives Kevin a super suit in return that Kevin thanks Hartline industries publicly for it. Meanwhile Ellis, roxanne’s uncle and a scientist who made the chemical mixture attacks the setting (new dawn city) as Octogon with eight mechanical arms that shoot poison darts. He forces Kevin to a make difficult decision without the help of his superfriends who have been poisoned/out of commission. Octogon throws Kevin’s little brother off one side of a building and a little girl off the other, making him have to save one of them. He ends up saving both and winning the day along with fame and roxanne away from Grady. Sadly Kevin’s homelife is falling apart, with his drunkard mother, and his father starting to go crazy. His father tries to get rid of the poor people in NDC by spreading a toxin in their water supply. Kevin stops him but finds his father dead. It tunrs out his father’s right hand man and personal enemy of Kevin’s, Benjamin Walsh IV, a clever, greasy type of guy is behind it all. (storm powers) He is Grady’s brother and together they kill SE (who they find out is Bernie’s son). Roxanne and Kevin stop them from killing the poor citizens of NDC, killing both in the process. story ends with city safe, roxanne and Kevin together and both being introducted into the League of Heroes. (like the JL).

    Whatta y’all think??? please respond forgive spelling errors.

  530. Chandan Sehgalon 06 Jul 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely glad I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back frequently!

  531. Hotrod198on 08 Jul 2012 at 7:54 am

    I need some feedback on this origin idea for my superhero, Shift (This is the name I’m using unless something better comes up.) His main power is teleportation however, he gains other powers due to several business corporations. Anyways, here is the origin:

    19 year old Harvey Harding goes into a lab where they needed a human test dummy for a teleportation device in order to get payed. However, due to a power surge during the experiment, the molecules making up his body become unstabilized. This gives him the power to teleport by rearranging his molecules somewhere else at an insane speed. However, this makes him the target for a new line of super-soldiers.

    When hired by the government, the Chairman Apollo Malum gives him a Bio-Suit, which increases his strength, reflexes, durability and the intensity of his teleportation. However, when Harvey realises taht by becoming this super-soldier he has to kill innocent lives, he escapes and returns home, where, after stopping a robbery in progress, figures out that he can protect the city and become the newest hero: Shift.

  532. B. McKenzieon 08 Jul 2012 at 9:40 am

    “19 year old Harvey Harding goes into a lab where they needed a human test dummy for a teleportation device in order to get payed. However, due to a power surge during the experiment, the molecules making up his body become unstabilized.” I’d like more personality to the origin. For example, maybe his choice to enter the program is more notable. (For example, maybe Harvey sees that the program looks a bit seedy and/or unreliable, but he continues with the testing despite his reservations because he really needs the money for [something important, ideally something which helps develop him in some memorable way]).

    Alternately, it might help to incorporate his personality and/or distinguishing traits somewhere else in the origin. For example, is there some reason they chose him for this testing rather than a random college student hurting for money? Is there some reason they believe he has a better chance to succeed here? (Moreover, when he does develop the superpowers, is there some reason they give him the bio-suit for a super-soldier project rather than give the bio-suit to a more prototypical super-soldier candidate? Perhaps there’s a competing program with actual soldiers and Harvey occasionally faces a skills gap?)

  533. YoungAuthoron 08 Jul 2012 at 11:39 am

    1. Kevin Hartline is an impetuous, arrogant, vain, snobby, immature, intelligent, witty, laid-back, charismatic son of multi-billionaire Adam Hartline. He visits his father’s skyscraper b/c he has the day off at school. After flirting with the intern receptionist, he makes his way to his father’s office. After getting in a verbal row with his father, he seeks out his mentor, 66 year-old janitor Bernie. After getting in a messy confrontation with him too, Kevin enters and elevator. He punches the back wall and the elevator sends him to and underground cave lab. He explores and finds a master computer monitor that shows his father’s office. On the screen Kevin watches his father say that he will cut him (Kevin) out of the inheritance because he dislikes him so much. This sets Kevin off into an angry frenzy and he destroys the research in the lab (test tubes, beakers, etc). He sets it aflame with his lighter before ignoring the orders of a locked out scientist and enters a chamber. He gets bathed in chemicals, drowns, burned alive, and survives a cave in of the cave lab (after his father and the other scientists failed to help him and left him to die) unscathed. He even goes back to his prestigious school after two days in the hospital. The school is socially split between rich and poor with the rich looking down on the poor and the poor hating the rich kids because they’re so snobby. He and his goons bully a nerd to do their homework (for the third year in a row) and when things get physical, a one handed push from Kevin sends the nerd into the lockers and almost kills him (nerd) from the impact. Kevin gets away with it (no one dares to tell on the big man on campus) and tells his best friend Michael Conroy III (a rich gadget geek who has a strong sense of integrity, justice, and he is also quite witty. Like Morgan Freeman in the Dark Knight) about his powers. After testing they find the extent of Kevin’s powers (fire breathing/super-strength/flight). He trains these powers for about a week in various tests created by Michael. While he is in school, there is a fight between Hellfire (a crazy psychotic female villain) and Soaring Eagle, the best hero around. Kevin rushes into action. While helping SE fight Hellfire, two other heroes show up and help Kevin and SE save the day. Kevin gets the name Black Dragon from media. Grady Walsh (Metallico, flight/control over metal {think magneto}) is the boyfriend(sorta) of Roxanne Lopez, the other hero, unknown to Kevin but she is the new girl at his school, is Dawn Angel (flight via huge wings and can harness sunlight to make weapons of her imagination). She knows who he is but he doesn’t know her. Grady is just like Kevin but not rich. They immediately dislike each other and that dislike turns to hate when Kevin starts falling for Roxanne because she is not as superficial as all the other girls he’s dated. SE takes all of them under his wing and Kevin’s father gives Kevin a super suit in return that Kevin thanks Hartline industries publicly for it. This makes Hartline industries very rich and they use their publicity to gain money by making things such as action figures and posters of Black Dragon. Meanwhile Ellis, Roxanne’s uncle and a scientist who made the chemical mixture from which Kevin got his powers attacks the setting (new dawn city) as the villain Octagon with eight mechanical arms that shoot shock darts (like Tasers x10). He wants revenge on Kevin for getting him fired after he worked for twelve years to become leading scientist of Hartline industries. He forces Kevin to a make difficult decision without the help of his super-friends who have been poisoned/out of commission. Octagon throws Kevin’s little brother off one side of a building and a random little girl off the other, making him have to save one of them. He ends up saving both and winning the day along with fame and Roxanne away from Grady. Sadly Kevin’s home life is falling apart, with his drunkard mother and his father starting to go crazy. His father tries to get rid of the poor people in underprivileged districts of NDC by attempting to spread a toxin in their water supply. By getting rid of them, he can build condos and amusement parks and malls that will generate him more money. Kevin stops him at the last moment but finds his father dead. It turns out his father’s right hand man and personal enemy of Kevin’s, Benjamin Walsh IV who is his father’s assistant (appears constantly in the story). BWIV is very clever and manipulative using whatever means to justify the end result. The toxin was his idea and he planned to take the company from Kevin’s dad. He has storm powers and is Grady’s brother. Together they kill SE (who Kevin and Roxanne find out is Bernie’s son). Roxanne and Kevin stop them from killing the poor citizens of NDC, killing both in the process. Story ends with the city safe, Roxanne and Kevin together and both being introduced into the League of Heroes. (Like the Justice League).

  534. Red Rocketon 20 Jul 2012 at 2:47 pm

    This origin is still in the works. I’m looking for some feedback.

    Aaron Grant (soon to be Sentinel) is downtown one day getting some ice cream. He sees a fight in an alley and goes to see what is going on. The situation is 2 henchmen to 1 scientist who is working for their organization. They are confronting him about his lack of test subjects for their boss’s experiments, but he has nothing to give them yet. His deadline is tomorrow, or he is used as the first human test subject himself. Aaron tries to defend him, oblivious to their situation or association, and realizes the predicament he has gotten himself into. He barely fends off the goons using some trash can lids as shields. The scientist, seeing his test subject in Aaron, rewards Aaron for his help with a couple bucks and some loose change (one coin being a tracker; it was his tracker from the agency, in case he needed backup, and they used it to track him home). There, they abduct him and experiment on him. Aaron is missing for a year. When he hears that they are going to use their experiment as a weapon as they take him out for “training” (testing his limits), he plans and executes an escape to return home. There, he discovers his powers and plans to use them only to make his life easier, but to tell no one. The use of his powers activates the chip implanted by the agency in his brain and they begin to track him through that (they hadn’t before because more pressing experiments awaited). He again uses his powers at school, and the agency attacks the school searching for him. He escapes to home and then goes into hiding, swearing not to use his powers so he doesn’t bring danger to the people around him like at the school. When the agency loses track of him, they attack his city/town at large in order to find him. He decides that if he does nothing, they will eventually leave and less people will be harmed, as opposed to him fighting their forces and putting civilians at risk. When they get his school hostage, he finally accepts his responsibility and becomes Sentinel to save his friends and his crush.

    Thoughts? Comments? Criticism?

  535. B. McKenzieon 20 Jul 2012 at 4:02 pm

    –Is there any reason the gang members are confronting the scientist out in the open (where there might be witnesses), rather than inside?

    –Why has the scientist failed to come up with test subjects so far? The first reason that comes to mind is that the process isn’t safe enough and that he feels guilty subjecting people to that. However, it would feel really inconsistent if he sacrificed this really nice guy that tried to help him, unless perhaps he were a hardcore asshole trying to save himself. One possibility: the company and the scientist look together on human testing involving prisoners (or perhaps “volunteers” that were, possibly unbeknownst to the scientist, abducted homeless people). One of the subjects develops superpowers and escapes. The company decides that the easiest way moving forward would be to send another superpowered person out after them, and gives the scientist a tight deadline to make that happen. The scientist gets uneasy, because they still don’t know what quite went wrong with the first human trials. The scientist delays on human testing as long as he can, but the company has this confrontation (perhaps after the supervillain stages an epic crime and the police are asking all sorts of awkward questions about what he was involved with).

    –Out of all the people they could have kidnapped, why Aaron? He seems counterintuitive for a few reasons: 1) compared to a prisoner or especially a homeless person, the police will ask a lot more questions if someone like Aaron just disappears, and 2) why does the scientist choose someone for this that has actually helped the scientist? (The scientist sees this testing as something undesirable, right? That’s why he doesn’t do it on himself). Perhaps the scientist selected Aaron because Aaron has already proven helpful once and because the scientist thinks that he might be more resistant to the undesirable side-effects of the testing.

    –“…rewards Aaron for his help with a couple bucks and some loose change.” Loose change feels a bit dated to me, so hiding the tracker in a coin might be problematic. (Plus, he might use the coins in a vending machine or something). I’d recommend swapping this out for a prepaid debit card, an irradiated business card, or perhaps an irradiated bill.

    Aaron’s personality doesn’t come across as distinctly as it could, I think. Intervening on behalf of the scientist is an okay start, but I think most superhero protagonists would do the same thing given the circumstances. Does he get any unusual decisions? What sort of things does he do that most superheroes wouldn’t? (For example, Peter Parker doesn’t stop the robber). What are his most important distinguishing traits?

    “they begin to track him through that (they hadn’t before because more pressing experiments awaited)” – I think this could be simplified. I would recommend introducing this before the escape—one of the things they use to monitor the test subjects and their progress is a chip which gives them information about the use of superpowers (date, physiological readings, location, etc). I think that would be ideal (rather than mentioning they have had it but haven’t been using it for whatever reason) because you’ll probably have a lot to cover as he escapes.

    “he plans and executes an escape to return home…” This would probably be more interesting if they didn’t already know who he was and where he lived. In particular, if he tries to go on with the life he had before (e.g. hanging around old friends and his girlfriend at his old school), it would be effortless for the criminals to find him. One possibility: the robbers kidnap him a minute or two after he intervenes to help the scientists. He mistakes this for a mugging and discreetly tosses aside his wallet so that they can’t take his money. Then he gets knocked out and/or kidnapped and, when he comes to, they don’t know where he lives and he doesn’t give them much-if-any honest information about who he is. That way, the criminals don’t know where he lives. If you wanted them to later trace him back, you could use a superpowered tracking chip or (my preference) a more low-tech and limited means like, say, a school logo on his shirt. Alternately, if they correctly assume he’s a student in the area, they might start staging superpowered crimes at schools during school hours until they figure out which school he goes to by looking at which crime he responded to most quickly.

    I’d like the scientist and ideally also the company to come across as more three-dimensional and memorable.

    If the love interest is important enough to drive his decision to get involved even though he hadn’t wanted to get involved before, I’d recommend working her into the plot more. For example, maybe she’s the main witness to the kidnapping and she makes some progress in figuring out what happened to him before he escapes. After he escapes, maybe the company has more luck finding her than him. Maybe there’s some significant conflict between the two in how to handle the company–e.g. maybe she pushes him to fight back, but he wants to only go into hiding to keep the two of them safe. She might point out that the only way the two of them would be safe is if the company gets defeated. He decides to go into hiding, which ideally has some lasting consequence (e.g. making it harder for the company to find them, perhaps to the point of forcing the company into some desperate move it would rather have avoided) but the company eventually takes the school hostage anyway.

  536. Red Rocketon 20 Jul 2012 at 5:28 pm

    That’s one heck of an input. I appreciate it a lot, though, it’ll give me a lot to think about over the next few days. I’ll update when I’ve worked out the bugs.

  537. Red Rocketon 20 Jul 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Sentinel origin, take 2

    -They were discussing inside, but they brought it outside to ‘persuade’ the scientist. Plus, it is 95+ degree weather, and not many people want to be outside then.

    -The scientist has gathered test subjects so far, but the experiment has killed them all. The henchmen are pressuring him to get a healthier, stronger test subject, since so far thy have gotten homeless bums and prisoners no one would miss.

    -Aaron tries to help the scientist, but the goons beat him down and take him then so as to look good for the boss.

    -There is no longer a reward to worry about, since he was kidnapped right then.

    -I could use some help in the personality department! I was thinking that one of the guys would bump into Aaron and make him drop his ice cream and get him angry so he would follow them, but I was thinking that Aaron’s personality would be a bit more like ‘the guy in the background-pacifist’ rather than the guy who does stuff when he gets angry.

    -I’ll use your advice about the chip.

    -And about the escape, although he is only in middle school/ high school, so if there was a logo, it would probably be a town wide logo, so it wouldn’t help them very much. But the low-tech is still a possibility; I just haven’t figured out what yet.

    -The scientist was just a character for the intro to the company. I’ll expand on the company a bit more during writing.

    -The love interest is just a crush, not a relationship. Aaron watches her from the background, and she is in part a motivation for him because he wants there to be a chance that they can hook up, rather than her being killed and there being no chance.

  538. B. McKenzieon 20 Jul 2012 at 10:15 pm

    “They were discussing inside, but they brought it outside to ‘persuade’ the scientist. Plus, it is 95+ degree weather, and not many people want to be outside then.” Hmm. Maybe they didn’t want to run the risk that somebody inside the company would see too much–the other scientists might start to look for safer work if they knew what was going on. It might help if the gunmen brought the scientist to somewhere relatively secluded like an unused part of the docks, and something unusual about the hero helped explain why he was one of the only people in the area. For example, if the character were an outdoorsman, he might appreciate the water as the closest thing the city has to nature, but everybody else might be warded away by the seedy buildings and perhaps the stench of fish. So, there he is, enjoying an ice cream cone amid the stench of fish in sweltering in heat, and he hears something… (PS: He might hear something from within a building, particularly if the building is not airtight, like a garage/chopshop or anywhere with broken windows).

    “I could use some help in the personality department! I was thinking that one of the guys would bump into Aaron and make him drop his ice cream and get him angry so he would follow them, but I was thinking that Aaron’s personality would be a bit more like ‘the guy in the background-pacifist’ rather than the guy who does stuff when he gets angry.” One possibility: he calls 911 as soon as he hears and/or sees the scientist getting beaten up. Five minutes later, they’re still beating him up and the cops haven’t shown up yet. Maybe he realizes that what he’s witnessing is a lot more serious than a simple mugging. Even though the character is generally more placid* than hotheaded, he decides that the victim’s only chance of surviving is if he moves right now. Giving up a wallet to a mugger without fighting is one thing, but stopping somebody from getting killed might be worth some danger. By the time the cops show up, Aaron has already been kidnapped and the police have no leads.

    *PS: One way you could show that he’s normally placid is to have him get mugged earlier in the day and take it pretty well. If you wanted him not to have his wallet when the company’s goons grab him, “a mugger already took it” makes a lot of sense. It would also help develop the setting (crime is so bad in this part of town that you can get mugged and kidnapped in the same day 😉 ).

    “And about the escape, although he is only in middle school/ high school, so if there was a logo, it would probably be a town wide logo.” Ah, okay. The criminals could probably narrow down which school the kid goes to by guessing his age. If there aren’t many schools in the area, it’d be believable if they found him eventually even if they didn’t know right away which school he went to.

    “The scientist was just a character for the intro to the company… The love interest is just a crush, not a relationship.” Well, I hope you have memorable side-characters somewhere, if only to develop the main character and give him better opportunities for dialogue. Preferably including somebody important enough to Aaron that Aaron would really regret walking away from him/her if he/she were in danger. So far, the love interest does not sound compelling enough to be that person. For example,is there anything emotionally attaching Aaron to this potential love interest? Maybe they know each other in some other capacity and he’s just waiting for the right moment to ask her out?

  539. Red Rocketon 21 Jul 2012 at 12:30 pm

    How about they take the scientist to a dump or something like that, and Aaron is in a garage there that he got permission to use as a workshop? (this could lead to building gadgets out of the resources he finds there in addition to his powers).

    He calls 911, but nobody shows up soon enough. He walks by and pretends to trip over something and hopes to knock one of the guys down. By making it an accident, he hopes to more easily avoid a fight. They drag him into it, and he gets kidnapped.

    I’m developing better side characters. One so far is his heroic friend. When he helps people, it makes Aaron guilty because he could have helped out more easily with his power.(I might kill him so Aaron can learn a lesson about responsibility. Or does it feel to much like the Spider-man lesson?)

  540. B. McKenzieon 21 Jul 2012 at 6:29 pm

    “Aaron is in a garage there that he got permission to use as a workshop…” It might develop him more if he didn’t have permission to use it, but he used it anyway because it’s abandoned. (That would also help establish that this area is mostly-abandoned and seedy and why there aren’t witnesses in the area).

    “He walks by and pretends to trip over something and hopes to knock one of the guys down. By making it an accident, he hopes to more easily avoid a fight.” This might make sense if it were a crowded bar or something, but stumbling into the only three people within a hundred feet would probably not be a great plan… It might help to give him some other way of trying to nonviolently resolve the situation. For example, maybe he yells “POLICE!” as deeply as he can from around a corner. Instead, the criminals get suspicious (perhaps because the voice didn’t sound like a cop’s and/or because they probably would have heard the sirens before the cops got there) and start looking for the person that yelled.

    “I might kill him [the heroic friend] so Aaron can learn a lesson about responsibility. Or does it feel to much like the Spider-Man lesson?” I think it depends on the execution.

  541. Red Rocketon 22 Jul 2012 at 10:54 am

    Okay, thanks. I think I’ve got a handle on the origin, city, and Aaron himself, now. Onto the rest of the story!

  542. Neilon 23 Jul 2012 at 9:09 pm

    I need some help, regarding my main character, Derek. This specifically regards as to how he obtains his powers. As alluded in the article, he’s trying to prove himself. Specifically, he’s taking part in a test to see who is worthy of obtaining the power.

    This exam, called the “Rite of Inheritance” is essential an obstacle course which to see whether or not the contestants can survive and prove themselves. In any event, I have two plausible scenarios.

    The first is as follows:

    A) During the race, Derek makes friends with Kharosa, an anthropomorphic rabbit. That said, he respects the teenager, because of his decision to initially not participate. To make a long story short, both of them get into a situation to which the two are dangling for their lives.

    In essence, Derek decides to sacrifice himself, because deep down he wasn’t in it for the power; rather to defeat Rae’ko, another dimensional being. He also claims that Kharosa would make a better Adjudicator, the organization which they are vying to be apart of, and let’s go.

    However, I have thought of an another scenario

    B) During the course of the race, the contestants are pitted against an obstacle to which laser beams rain down on them. It’s here that Suetech 65, an android who is also a competitor is put into a dangerous scene. Before the exam, she came off as bratty, and very smug.

    Not that Derek had anything personal against her. In any event, after using a flight propulsion system, she’s shot down and about to fall to her supposed death. Derek, having witnessed this, is worried about her possible dying, because when the Magistrates, the council of the Adjudicators, claimed a person could be eliminated, he was unsure if it meant dying or not.

    He’s also torn about abandoning the race, as it would mean he could not prove Rae’ko wrong. In any event, he decides to forgo the race and jumps off, hoping to rescue Suetech 65.

    The issue I have is which seems better. Originally, I believed A sounded better, because it was not only to show Derek’s self-sacrifice, but his modesty. But B personifies the self-sacrifice trait, as well as, how competitive he is, he’s not to win at such high costs.

    All in all, I do appreciate feedback on this or any other suggestions anyone poses.

  543. Hotrod198on 08 Aug 2012 at 2:01 am

    For the origins of one of my heroes, I was going to have the story take place in current times, but during the novel, he would have “flashbacks” to how he became who he is now. Is this a good idea? Or should I maybe rework it a bit?

  544. B. McKenzieon 08 Aug 2012 at 9:28 am

    “For the origins of one of my heroes, I was going to have the story take place in current times, but during the novel, he would have “flashbacks” to how he became who he is now.” I think that would probably be effective, although it would probably depend on the execution. For example, are the flashbacks coherent with the rest of the story?

  545. Hotrod198on 08 Aug 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Well, one part would be when the hero gets injured in battle and has to return back to base to heal (his opponent wiped the floor with him). When he returns there and starts to treat his wounds, he thinks back to why he became a hero if it meant him getting so badly hurt.

    Another one would be in the first or second chapter where, while approaching a bad guy, he flashes back to how he got his powers.

    The other option is to have these flashbacks happen in dream sequences as he will be slightly traumatised by them and could come back as recurring nightmares.

  546. B. McKenzieon 08 Aug 2012 at 4:13 pm

    The recurring nightmares sound promising. I think also the reminiscing on his motivations at the moment when he’s been challenged the most could also be very effective.

    The one that strikes me as less promising is flashing back to how he got his powers. In the context of a scene where he’s dealing with a criminal, is the origin of his powers actually necessary? One possibility is that the origin gives us useful information about the parameters of the powers, but you could probably cover that elsewhere without jumbling the narrative. For example, in The Incredibles, we learn a bit about the characters’ powers through conversation (e.g. Frozone and Mr. Incredible discussing how best to save people from a burning building), but the film does not explicitly address where the powers came from.

  547. Hotrod198on 09 Aug 2012 at 6:20 am

    Hmm well, I will probably stick with the nightmares/dreams then.

    But, with the flashbacks, I was sort of leaning along the lines that, he’s threatened with a gun in a very similar fashion as he was ten years ago, and he would flash back to that moment. Something which would happen in the present would remind him of a similar action from several years ago, something like that.

    But like I said, I think I will just stick with the nightmares and dreamsn.

  548. Anderon 25 Aug 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Would really like some feedback….

    Max a 21 year old nobody. Living in Spring City with his aunt Jen and young cousin Josh all he does and work and sleep. His girlfriend has just broken up with him and he’s left no purpose in life. One night as he sits alone thinking just outside the city he is bumbled into by a small silver cat named Tyro. Tyro quickly gives Max an orb which in fuses with him transforming into a sword knowin as the Lexicon. Like instinct Max fights off a demon monster who was following Tyro and defeats it. Tyro explains to Max that the weapon now infused with him was once wielded by his father who last used it and sacrificed himself to defeat one of the strongest demon warriors to have ever exist Lord Vexen. Now there’s a group of demons trying to find a wat to bring back the evil demon and Max is needed to stop them….
    Please let me know what you guys think

  549. B. McKenzieon 12 Sep 2012 at 4:26 pm

    “Max a 21 year old nobody. Living in Spring City with his aunt Jen and young cousin Josh all he does and work and sleep. His girlfriend has just broken up with him and he’s left no purpose in life. One night as he sits alone thinking just outside the city he is bumbled into by a small silver cat named Tyro. Tyro quickly gives Max an orb which in fuses with him transforming into a sword known as the Lexicon.”

    I’d really recommend inserting more personality into the account of how he gets superpowers and becomes a superhero. For example, working in an unusual choice (e.g. Peter Parker NOT stopping the robber) can be very helpful for developing characters and advancing the plot. As it is, this cat gives him superpowers (for no apparent reason), and he randomly gets in a fight with a demon (again for no apparent reason), and the underlying reason is entirely beyond his control (his parentage). I think the characters could have come across as a lot more interesting. In particular, I’d recommend giving the character’s choices and distinguishing traits a much bigger impact on the plot. Also, it might help to come up with a more interesting answer for “why does the cat choose Max for this role?” than “Max’s dad was special.” I would recommend coming up with some reason that Max himself is special–e.g. maybe he makes an unusual choice or demonstrates some distinguishing trait…

    One possibility: what if Tyro chooses someone ELSE first (and it’s a total disaster), and he uses Max as his backup plan? What is it about Max that suggests to Tyro that he’s a better choice than the first guy was? What went wrong with the first guy? Etc.

  550. d3stin3d writ3ron 25 Sep 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Hello, I have a character named Ethan White (I do not have the super hero name yet) who was all about just and stuff until a series of events turn him into the anti-hero he will become for the rest of the series. He is just extremely unlucky and everything takes a turn for the worst when it comes to him. Here is what I have so far:

    At a very young age, Ethan White, witnessed the death of his parents by some unknown organization. They then capture him and experiment on him. They have been doing this to a lot of people. The event was so traumatic for Ethan, his mind blocked it away and now he can not even remember his whole life. This helped the organization tremendously as it became easier to implant fake memories of another life. (Side Note: Ethan is actually one of the first successful subjects to survive the experiments.) They plan on using him and other children as sleeper agents to take over. (Their agenda is not well developed I know.) The director of this stuff in america grows sympathetic and takes Ethan before the they do the full mind control. This leads to him living with who he thinks is his father….. skip ahead a few years and the organization discovers them again and now with their army almost ready, they send in a few people to kill or capture them. Ethan’s “Father gets killed but Ethan is put in the hospital. This is the start of how I plan to make Ethan a darker and suicidal character with which the only thing keeping him sane is the thought that their is still innocence and purity and goodness in the world. Insight would help no matter what. Thanks.

  551. Equinoxon 27 Sep 2012 at 12:16 am

    I plan on writing a story about when teens die they gain powers in a new world. In this new world they must fight to gain rights to heaven. I know this isn’t very informative but I don’t hav emuch time. I plan on having the teens create different factions in an attempt to raise their chances. I’ll make a better summary when I have time. But with just this information is it any good?

    Any insights will be appreciated. I wish to start as soon as possible.

  552. David M.on 01 Oct 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I hope the owner of the page reads it and gives me his thoughts.

    A dying man. Cancer. He and his girlfriend (they never got married) are on their way to the hospital. He’s dying right there. They crash. She’s unconscious. She wakes up at the sound of the car being lift up by the man. He goes to the hospital days later, he’s cured. There are no cancerous cells, his lungs are fine, he doesn’t need glasses, he’s getting beefed up. His becoming perfect.

    The doctor can´t say what happened. He only says that now the man has some sort of super determination, that in the brink of death and in his worst moment in life he survived. He now has the power to have any power he wants, by only want it.

    The trick is that he has to keep using his newly acquired powers, or else, the cancer will return to kill him. Think of a shark that keeps swimming. So, he becomes a superhero, in part, because of his newly pregnated wife and his brother in law, a publicist, that helps him become a celebrity to earn money for the family. T-Shirts, TV Shows, Movies.

  553. B. McKenzieon 01 Oct 2012 at 2:51 pm

    “The doctor can’t say what happened. He only says that now the man has some sort of super determination, that in the brink of death and in his worst moment in life he survived.” Okay, I’m with you so far… “He now has the power to have any power he wants, by only wanting it.” Hmm. I think it would be hard to sufficiently challenge the hero with this power setup.

    “The trick is that he has to keep using his newly acquired powers, or else, the cancer will return to kill him.” This is interesting, but is there actually drama here? Most people that acquired superpowers wouldn’t have any compunction about using them liberally. (When was the last time you read about someone who had superpowers and didn’t end up using them to help people or become a villain?) This life-or-death angle to using his superpowers might be more interesting if there were some other cost tied to his using superpowers–for example, maybe he’s in a situation like X-Men or Incredibles where the surrounding society is strongly against the use of superpowers.

  554. Dr. Vo Spaderon 01 Oct 2012 at 4:02 pm

    @David M.,
    …Ir if it sounds like a good idea to you, using his powers could let off a kind of “fallout” that negatively effects most people.

    @B. McKenzie,
    …I’ve just got a quick question. Some of my heroes were heroes before being recruited. Would it be a good idea to use flashbacks to those times, or would it just be confusing? (These scenes wouldn’t really contribute to the main plot, only give a tier two storyline.)

  555. B. McKenzieon 01 Oct 2012 at 6:19 pm

    “Some of my heroes were heroes before being recruited. Would it be a good idea to use flashbacks to those times, or would it just be confusing?” I don’t think confusion would be the main problem–I think the bigger issue would be that these scenes don’t actually contribute to the main plot and are probably distractions from what’s happening in the present of the plot.

    I’d recommend incorporating the characters’ backstory into the “present” in some other way. For example, perhaps you could have characters make observations or decisions based on past experiences. For example, if a character acts very impulsively/rashly in a hostage situation, it’d definitely be relevant if he made that decision because once (when he was a lone hero) he once waited too long and the hostages were killed*. Or maybe one of the characters has some backstory with a criminal or someone that knows the criminal. Alternately, perhaps something in a character’s backstory is weighing down on him/her so much that it cannot help but be relevant to whatever the character is doing now. (For example, if a character is feeling overwhelmingly guilty about failing a friend in a major way, it would likely affect the character’s performance in a noticeable way). Or maybe there’s something in the character’s backstory that he’s just not good at and needs to improve at to succeed at his current position. (For example, maybe a Batman-style character has trouble taking orders from others or has trouble interrogating criminals with more ethically-rigid superheroes present).

    *Well, that’s a cliche example, so hopefully you’d have a fresher example.

  556. David M.on 01 Oct 2012 at 6:31 pm

    The power setup should be more complex, i agree. He needs to really be determined to achieve “the level” in order to get the power. Let’s say that someone is trapped under a car, and he must have the determination to lift the car in order to save the person he loves, like happened the first time he discovered his powers. He shouldn’t just think of a power and then have it. That would be too easy.

    There is a Grant Morrison character that i love, even though is an insane one. Is The Quiz, a Japanese woman with a fear of dirt, The Quiz had every power you hadn’t thought of. To make her lose a power, you had to think it. Of course, I recognize this kind of power is more Villain oriented.

    The “use the powers or die” part. I forgot to say, that now that he has a daughter, he knows that he can’t die, and leave her alone. He wants to stay side by side with his wife and daughter, although the only way to do it, is to become a hero, and ironically be in danger and away from home 24/7. The daughter worships the superhero (she’s very young, not a teenager), on the other hand, the wife becomes increasingly angry at his husband abandonment.

  557. Equinoxon 05 Oct 2012 at 11:51 am

    I want to make a story where characters receive powers from a sort of symbiote alien species. Depending on the person and his/her symbiote their powers will be different from one anothers. Also I was thinking about rather than having each person not be able to stay merged with their symbiote. It would differ between people, and have a Mutalism,Commesalism,Parasitic, Maybe even a Symbiosis Sort of thing.

    I came up with this from watching Spider-Man 3. ( I had to after watching amazing spider man) I don’t want it to be related to Venom/Carnage. Can you guys give me some idea’s on how to differ my story from spider-man?Names for the Alien Species?
    Any advice would be good.

  558. B. McKenzieon 05 Oct 2012 at 2:02 pm

    “I want to make a story where characters receive powers from a sort of symbiote alien species… I don’t want it to be related to Venom/Carnage. Can you give me some ideas on how to differ my story?”

    Some possibilities:
    –Alien-vs-alien conflict.

    –More development of the alien species and/or alien culture(s).

    –More interaction between the humans and their symbiotes (e.g. making the symbiotes characters).

    –Flesh out the aliens’ goals more?

  559. Agnion 06 Oct 2012 at 2:02 am

    @B. Mac.
    When my friends ask me about the abilities of the hero of the novel I am writing, I have to say that he does not have any superpower. He is highly intelligent and trained fighter and he uses some self made weapons (special type of knives, boomerangs, nunchaku etc.). Then then say it sounds like batman. But thats not right. Origin story is completely different and nothing else matches with batman. I think, if you describe a character by its abilities only, it will surely sound like some previously established character. I sometimes worry that if i somehow manage to get published, readers will say that i copied from batman.

  560. IP Manon 07 Oct 2012 at 4:47 pm

    A man named Noah Sparks was a enforcer/hitman for the Palmetto family, after Noah gets shot in the waist during a hit, he decides that he wants to leave the business. So Noah cooperates with the FBI in order to leave the business. Larry Palmetto, the head of the crime family isn’t happy to hear this. In order for Noah to stop talking to the feds, he would have to kill him. Larry and his partner decide to go the hospital and kill him. Larry makes Noah drink some kind of black substance which turns out to be a poison. The poison takes four days to manifest inside the body, so basically he is dying slow. Four days has past and Noah is dead. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT: Noah comes back to life due to so kind of enhanced nanotechnology, the tech also amplifies his strength, speed, healing, intelligence. As long as the nanotech is inside him he will live (similar to tony and that thing in his chest) and since he has nanites in his system, he is affected by anyone who has the power to control electricity or magnestism.

    Feedback please?

  561. B. McKenzieon 07 Oct 2012 at 6:05 pm

    “Larry makes Noah drink some kind of black substance which turns out to be a poison. The poison takes four days to manifest inside the body, so basically he is dying slow.” This feels a bit logically awkward to me.

    –The leap from “poisoned by the mob” to “superpowered nanites” strikes me as unintuitive. I’d recommend checking out Iron Man again because I think the leap from “super-scientist gets a lingering shrapnel wound while being kidnapped” to “super-scientists develop a life-saving magnet/power-source” to “Stark uses reactor to fuel a power-suit and escape from captivity” feels a lot more coherent to me. Are these superpowered nanites a standard procedure, or is there some reason he’s getting extraordinary treatment?

    –If Larry and his partner are right there with Noah, why do they poison him rather than kill him outright? Is there any advantage to leaving him as a loose end for a few days?

    –Unless the FBI being wildly incompetent is part of the story, it might help if the mob took a more creative approach to killing him than walking up to him at a presumably secure location. (The more competent the mob comes across in the assassination, the more important the witness will come across. In contrast, if the mob is extremely careless, then the witness won’t matter as much because the mob will have left so much evidence elsewhere that his testimony will probably be mostly superfluous).

  562. Equinoxon 11 Oct 2012 at 12:23 pm

    It seems to be really hard for me to come up with a solid story. Sure I can come up with a couple ideas, but they’re not really good enough to make into a decent book.
    In time i suppose i’ll come up with somethhing. Any Advice?

  563. David M.on 18 Oct 2012 at 9:42 am

    Just a question. Should a comic book story start at the characters origin? For a first appeareance imagine Superman or Batman without those 1-2 extra pages of origin. How important is today, 2012, a backup story?

  564. B. Macon 18 Oct 2012 at 10:55 am

    First, I think an origin story for a new character would probably take more than 1-2 pages. Second, I don’t think origin stories are necessary. The origin MIGHT be the best way to introduce what makes the character interesting and unique and/or the origin might cover information necessary to understanding the character or the world (e.g. it’s very hard to understand something like X-Men without some idea of what mutants are), but if the character’s origin doesn’t do a great job establishing what makes him/her different and doesn’t give information crucial to understanding the plot, it could probably be skipped. For example, if I were writing a story about a character like Superman, I might mention/suggest he’s an alien but would probably skip over the origin because his origin doesn’t cover any interesting decisions or events which help develop the character in an unusual or interesting way.

    My rule of thumb is that if the main purpose of the origin story is to explain where the superpowers came from, it’s probably not necessary. For example, it probably isn’t worth 1-2 (or more) pages showing the character having a superpowered lab accident, unless these pages help develop the character and/or plot in some way (e.g. maybe the character’s powers are tied to some major decision he/she made, like Peter Parker breaking into the lab in Amazing Spider-Man to figure out what was going on with OsCorp). But merely establishing where the superpowers came from can be done in 1-2 sentences and does not require a separate scene.

  565. Anonymouson 18 Oct 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Hello I’m new to the site but I’ve read a lot and I do mean a lot of articles

    so I was thinking about a story where there’s a kid, named foster, who’s parent left him at a hospital because of his child hood sickness (maybe cancer I don’t know). So one day foster figures out that he will be clear from the sickness for a while but his parent don’t come to get him, after a day they put him in foster care ( kind of how I got his name, what do you think should I change it). It he doesn’t last very long because he was having blackouts, and his foster family gets killed by a gang who seems to know him, he start to questions what he was doing during his blackouts. He finds out that he’s wearing remove able skin, a discovers that his body is made up of a dark liquid (that can harden), and that some sort of tech that is attached itself into him. Called armory. At this point armory starts to talk to him saying that his body was the ideal host, because of his meta gene and because he was to weak to keep it out. It then processes to take over foster, and resume it’s war on the gang. In the end foster proves that being strong physically can’t match his will power inside and takes over armory. Then driven by guilt he leaves the town, and makes it to the city wear he can see if he can get armory out of his body, he becomes a intern there so he see if he can trust the doctor. Then he asks about getting it removed and the doctor say it can be done. But armory informs him that if he leaves, foster will just be a sick boy, thats been out his bubble for to long to breath. Foster becomes mad because he never asks for this.
    Then on the news a bridge collapses and him and armory finally agrees on something, that they should help out. Using amorys full mode he is able to fly over there and save some people who are trapped in there cars, (but armory wanted to go kill the man who attack the bridge in the first place alfter it looks like everyone’s clear he notices that there a limo driver who’s still there. He trys to reason her into leaving but she just won’t listen because she will lose her job if she abandoneds her limo, so foster asks what do you want me to do about it, she just smiles.

    The next scene is wear foster is litterly lifting the limo on to the girls rooftop. The girl who is only 19, tells his that her name is Easter Gwen but every one calls her E.G. she let’s him stay the night cause she needs him to put her limo back on the street. He sleeps on the couch witch is uncomfortable (for comical effect)and ends up on the floor. The next morning E.G get him to bring the limo down, and he trays to thank her for letting him stay the night but she just ignores him saying she owned him.
    He leaves thinking that she was strange until he realized that she might have lost her job because of, him lifti ng above his head to the roof because lots of people must have saw it. He find her in a bank

  566. hoaxeron 18 Oct 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Sorry. So the bank was being robed and he actually knocks her out (with a little help from armory)
    So in the end it turns out he infected her with armory, from the blow in the head.

    She makes him promise never to do that again because he owes her.

    So he now pretects the streets of a city to be named later, with E.G as his helper, because of curse he refuses to let her be his partner (like all great heros), but she claims that it because she do a better job then him.

    So there you have it

    1. Unwilling teen superhero
    Plus a kick butt limo driver E.G
    And high school
    Yes I’m making him go

    Anyways I need your help, foster needs a last name? Oh E.G already has one; lake. High school drama(girl friend? Maybe) man foster doesn’t even need a high school bully he’s got armory.
    Oh and help on armory back story?

    I’ll go by hoaxer now no more anonymous stuff

  567. B. McKenzieon 18 Oct 2012 at 10:07 pm

    “There’s a kid, named Foster, whose parent left him at a hospital because of his childhood illness… after a day they put him in foster care (kind of how I got his name—what do you think? Should I change it?).” I normally like the name, but given that he’s in foster care, the wordplay might feel a bit too overt.

    One initial concern I have is that the character doesn’t seem as active as he could be. The plot appears to be more affected by things happening around him (e.g. him getting placed in foster care because of disease beyond his control, him blacking out beyond his control, his foster family getting killed beyond his control, he develops superpowers beyond his control, etc). I’d recommend giving him a more distinct impact on the plot. Does he make any notable choices/decisions that most other characters wouldn’t make? NOT going to war with the gang even though Armory wants to would probably be a good start, but I’d recommend working in something before that point.

    What causes Armory’s conflict with the gang?

    “But armory informs him that if he leaves, foster will just be a sick boy, that’s been out his bubble for too long to breath. Foster becomes mad because he never asks for this.” Another major plot event completely beyond his control?

    A 19 year old limo driver? This might be unusual/young enough to warrant some explanation somewhere. (For example, a criminal organization might use very young drivers (or perhaps decoy drivers/distractions) because judges are unlikely to go as hard on teens as they would on adults. I think that sort of sounds like it makes sense).

    “She lets him stay the night cause she needs him to put her limo back on the street.” Hmm. I’d recommend coming up with a better reason to force them together. As it is, this makes it sound like he’s randomly taking orders from a bystander that he’s already bent over backwards to help. It might help if he had some ulterior reasons for spending the night. (E.g. he thinks she’s involved with criminal activity*).
    *I, for one, would be very suspicious of a driver that was so afraid of his/her employer that he wouldn’t abandon his/her car even if the bridge was collapsing. What other explanation could there be besides criminal activity?*)
    *Particularly if the story is realistic enough that we could rule out something like “maybe the car isn’t insured and she’ll lose everything.” In real life, the damage caused to a vehicle by a terrorist attack would be covered by the government rather than insurance, so I think the obvious question is why she wouldn’t want to get the government involved. Also, she might have been reluctant about leaving the car at the scene of the bridge attack because she’s nervous about what the police investigating the bridge might find in it.

    “He thanks her for letting him stay the night but she just ignores him, saying she owned him.” I’m not sure emasculating the hero is the best way to make him look interesting to readers. I think it’s good that he has conflicts with the people around him, but he actually needs to PARTICIPATE in these conflicts rather than just sitting and taking it.* I’d recommend the first season of Lois and Clark for an example where a mostly pleasant hero (Superman) engages in some mostly friendly sparring with his coworker/rival and eventual love interest Lois.
    *For example, if we get the impression that he’s working some other angle of his own—like investigating a limo driver whose behavior is raising all sorts of criminal red flags—then it’d be more acceptable if he didn’t really care about how she treated him.

    “He leaves thinking that she was strange until he realized that she might have lost her job because of him.” Now he’s blaming himself for what he did to her (almost certainly criminal) career, even after she was a jerk to him? I would recommend giving your character a bit more self-respect—it will make it easier to like him. As it is, he comes across as a bit helpless. Maybe more than a bit helpless.

    I’m not sure this is an ideal setup for high school drama. What incentive does this character have to DO high school? At the very least, I’d give him some reason he WANTS to be in high school rather than just because it’s what somebody else tells him to do or because he has to. For example, perhaps he wants to be normal (like you noted, he’s not particularly enthusiastic about being a superhero).

    I get the impression that you like EG a lot more than Foster. If I am correct that she gets to do more interesting things than he does, I would recommend writing about her instead.

  568. hoaxeron 19 Oct 2012 at 9:08 am

    Thanks for helping out
    I don’t know maybe I should write about E.G cause I do like her like her, but the thing is I always like the supporting character, and I always change it. But by main problem is that I don’t think E.G has room to grow as a character. In my mind she will be very closed off, in a strange kind of way. Witch adds to the mystery. But if she’s the heroine I don’t know how to write her mysteriously with out giving it away. Then with that attack on the bridge, you make a good point maybe she dose have ties to terrorism. So I really don’t want to wright a story like that, I won’t get past a few pages.

    So once I figure out my problem with E.G I made foster (your right I shouldn’t keep that name, maybe Ryan or something) I needed some one to, interact with E.G, find out her secrets, judge her like 334$%%, and then pick her back up, even if she thinks that she doesn’t need it. Not to say I’m making someone to save. I just think if she is the main charter I’m not getting any where.

    I’m kind of stuck could you suggest ways E.G could work, or help with foster.
    I really need a second point of view
    Again thank you for your help. And please help more

  569. B. McKenzieon 19 Oct 2012 at 12:01 pm

    “But if she’s the heroine I don’t know how to write her mysteriously with out giving it away. Then with that attack on the bridge, you make a good point maybe she dose have ties to terrorism.” Oh, I was thinking more along the lines of “she’s a courier/driver for the Mafia or a drug gang or some other organization which occasionally needs to move material/people discreetly.” Or perhaps she works for some semi-legitimate company which occasionally works with criminal organizations off the books.

    Making her part of a terrorist organization would, I think, seriously compromise her likability. Whereas she MIGHT be able to redeem herself if her role were limited to something like (mostly unwittingly) assisting in something like Mafia hits or drug deals, terrorism would be harder to recover from. (I think most readers could mostly excuse anything besides terrorism, rape and anything involving children depending on the context–for example, I think Jack Bauer’s torture sprees were actually part of his appeal).

    “So once I figure out my problem with E.G I made foster (your right I shouldn’t keep that name, maybe Ryan or something) I needed some one to, interact with E.G, find out her secrets, judge her like 334$%%…” This sounds strikingly unsympathetic to the main character. When you write his lines, I would definitely recommend trying to think about how HE would view everything. If a superhero happens to find out that his partner has been lying to him about a criminal past (or, worse, a criminal present), I don’t think it’d be “judging her” to have a serious problem with that. If he didn’t have a problem with that, I think he’d come across as, umm, mentally damaged and/or a total weakling.

    For a better idea of how outsiders/prospective readers would view the situation, I would recommend asking a few of your friends some question like “Someone dumps his/her significant other after finding out that the significant other was secretly living a double life working for the Mafia. Who’s more to blame?” I think your friends would nigh-unanimously agree that dumping him/her was the right decision. Extrapolating from that, I suspect that most readers would strongly sympathize with Foster/Ryan over E.G. here. If you want both characters to come across as likable/sympathetic, it might help to give E.G. more justification here. (Maybe she goes back to the Mafia to get help for some serious problem Foster/Ryan is facing, he finds out, and he flips).

  570. Noctuaon 14 Nov 2012 at 12:27 am

    I’m planning a superhero story, tried to make it somewhat original, but not too out there. The main character, Alex, gets his powers from the villain, who selects Alex at random to be his test subject of sorts. He attacks Alex on the way home from school and is missing for a few days, while the villain injects him with a number of different chemical concoctions. Alex wakes up in hospital, the villain having dumped him in the school grounds, and the caretaker finding him. He has no recollection of being kidnapped, and everything goes on from there, the villain setting up situations of chaos around the city to try and draw his little experiment out and force him into using his powers in a hero-like manner.
    Later on, the villain decides to take further action, getting hold of Alex’s closest friends and using similar concoctions of behaviour-altering chemicals, as well as giving them powers, and using the characters in the final stages of the story to challenge Alex, whose behaviour, by the end of the story will have changed dramatically to, as one of the side effects of his powers.
    I suppose this story might be a little different, as the villain operates from the shadows the entire time, and orchestrates everything except Alex’s reactions.

  571. B. McKenzieon 14 Nov 2012 at 6:04 am

    “Alex, gets his powers from the villain, who selects Alex at random to be his test subject of sorts.” It might be more interesting and help develop Alex if the villain picks Alex for some reason besides random chance. Especially since the villain later chooses Alex’s friends, which suggests that this is more than random in some way.

  572. acharaon 15 Nov 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Okay, so I recently completely reworked my superhuman’s origins and I was wondering what you thought of it?
    In my world, superhumans are born from a kind of corrupted genes that come along with a predisposition towards mental illnesses and psychoses, as well as slight immunity towards several illnesses and drugs. Superhumans are known of and feared. There are annual tests performed on newborns, ten year olds, sixteen year olds and twenty one year olds for the superhuman gene, which can show up at any time in life but is most likely to turn up at these ages. If the corrupted gene is found, the individual is immediately shipped off to one of the many detainment camps around the world, where they are kept away from normal humans, experimented on, tortured, tested, trained. If two superhumans have children, or if someone is known to have a higher chance of inheriting the gene, they are placed in superhuman ghettos in the larger towns.
    I have two MCs that I would like to decide between using as the POVs. They’re both teenage girls – write what you know, I guess? The first, Cameron, is a city girl from an average, law abiding family who discovers at her test (she’s sixteen) that she possesses the superhuman gene and is shipped off to one of the camps. The other, Leah, is a ghetto girl who has managed to evade government attention despite developing her powers at fifteen. She gets recruited into a government facility hoping to learn if superhumans can be controlled, trained, and if humans and superhumans can coexist peacefully.

  573. LeeMoh22on 15 Dec 2012 at 12:45 pm


  574. Davidsonon 16 Dec 2012 at 1:22 am

    It sounds a lot like a dystopian version of X-men. In First-Class, Magneto fears that the mutants will be treated the same way as the Jews in WWII, so maybe you want to rename the ghettos. I would also recommend giving a reason for detaining the superhumans rather than trying to harness their power. Maybe the government forces them into military camps? Just an idea.

  575. Anonymouson 16 Dec 2012 at 8:27 am

    Ragged Boy, your story seems to be mostly Sic-Fi, but the sketch book seemslike a fantasy element. Is there an in-story explanation for its’ origin? Other than that, it sounds great!

  576. Espionageon 16 Dec 2012 at 4:47 pm

    I’ve run into a bit of a problem. My team/trio consists of three superheroes.

    -Raymond is the leader of the trio. He has the power of Magnetism. He usually carries around a metal baseball bat to enhance his powers. He could conduct electricity from the bat, he could levitate it, use it for combat purposes, etc

    -Jade is an Ice Manipulator

    -Sean can control light particles, he can still use his powers at night but he won’t be as powerful as he is in the daytime.

    I’m having trouble coming up with an origin for these three characters.

  577. B. McKenzieon 16 Dec 2012 at 9:51 pm

    Espionage, I’d recommend checking out this article on writing more distinctive characters.

  578. Kal-Elon 17 Dec 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Im writing about a angel character and i need some help this is the origin story that i have right now.

    After the Angel,Human,Demon war the Angels made a pact that they would have no more children with humans as the ofspring that they created to help them in the war against the demons, became to powerful and could not be controlled. The last remaining angel ofspring where destroyed but the humans that where not angel ofspring where left on earth to rebuild and create a civilisation on the planet that the war had left in ruin. Centuries later the earth had been rebuilt, a demon hunting military branch has been put in place to further protect the earth from demon attacks all seemed peaceful. The last few angel warriors learned about a demon plot to return to earth and to take over by having offspring with humans and creating a demon army to battle the angels once again. One of the angels “Lucion” (i think i might call him this) has a plan to have the angels return aswell and create their own army but as this is against their pact the armies of heaven where against it. Lucion decides that the only way to ensure the earths safety is to go against the pact and to return to earth alone. Lucion falls in love with a human and eventually they have a baby boy but unknown to its mother the baby has angel DNA which could help the angels protect the earth when the time comes. The armies of heaven learn of this betrayel and come to earth to kill Lucion and his baby, Lucion has been expecting this and has been leaving clues and angel artifacts for the baby boy to find in later life. The angels arrive to kill Lucion and to protect his lover and the baby he puts a protection feild on the baby and its mother and sacrifes himself to further protect them. Years later when the baby boy had reached the age of 16 Nick Frost started showing signs of his angel DNA like faster reaction time, increased strength and speed. The boy eventually found a clue to his father and the artifacts he has left, the clue leads him to an underground cave, where he finds a sword with the symbol of his father (angel families all have different symbols), A crucifix like knife and angel warrior outfit (Costume looks like something like an assassins creed outfit). Nick touches the symbol on the sword which sends a signal to his angel DNA and it activates fully( this is what gives Nick his powers)

    So what do you think?

  579. Kirbyon 17 Dec 2012 at 4:16 pm

    This could be built into a very interesting and detailed world, but I’m a little cautious. Angels have been done a lot lately, and this doesn’t seem to be going outside the box very much. What will draw readers into this story?

    Maybe you could give the angels a abnormal motivation. Perhaps these angels could be like a sort of “purified” race of humans (purified could mean whatever you want it to). The demons would be the impure parts of them that are dispelled after they become angels. That would lead to some interesting conflict, as the angels are basically fighting themselves then.

    As for how Nick becomes an angel, it should probably show what he’s like as a character. If the process for becoming an angel is dangerous or shameful, Nick volunteering for angelification would show that he’s brave/desperate/a thrill seeker. Basically, it all boils down to how you convince your readers that this isn’t just another angel tale.

  580. Kal-Elon 17 Dec 2012 at 4:24 pm

    ok some ideas i can work with there but i need to ask if the angels are purified humans how would they get the wings and the powers. And also i wanted Nick to find out about his angel heritage not just volunteer to become one. Plus i think the whole angels fighting them selves type thing could work i have an idea that when they kill the demon part of themselves that it weakens there power.

  581. Kirbyon 17 Dec 2012 at 8:01 pm

    The powers could come from the purification process. Maybe it enhances humans to the peak of physical perfection (more strength, speed, agility, etc.) As for wings, maybe they’re surgically attached post purification, and could be a sign of high status.

    So Nick is definitely going to have angel blood. That could be very interesting if played right. Maybe he’s just trying to live a normal life and get into a good college or something, but that pesky angel blood means he occasionally has to run out the door with a lame excuse to go fight a demon outbreak. Or on the flip side, he may be really eager to fight alongside the angels, but is be looked down upon because he is seen as “impure” due to not being pure angel.

    I like the killing your demon = less power idea. It could lead to an engaging dilemma over whether it’s really a good idea to kill your impure counterpart.

  582. Kal-Elon 18 Dec 2012 at 6:34 am

    good ideas there. im just wondering if the angels make humans pure to become angels would i say that after the war the angels stripp them of their powers and leave the planet

  583. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 6:34 am

    RB, I know the comment about the modeling agency was an old one, but I have run into a problem. See, my creative writing class is doing this thing where we pick an occupation, four character traits, and a genre. I got a male model superhero. I had an idea for a story with spokesheroes. Let me give you a quick plot summary:
    In an alternate reality, superheroes are so common that law enforcment had to set up a new department dedicated to the monitoring of superpowered activity, the Office of SuperHuman Affairs, or OSHA. After a young teen without any powers puts together asuperhero role-playing group, a villian, who thinks the teens are actual heroes, kills every one of them. Therefore, the OSHA passes the No Work, No Play Act, which states that pretending to be a hero is now a crime. The owner of a modeling agency has been working on a new line of superhero clothes for the public and refuses to scrap the project because he has invested too much money into it.
    Meanwhile, Sebestian Nolastnameyet is having problems of his own. His father just got fired, so he is the sole provider for his mom and younger sister. He reluctantly takes a job working as a fry cook, but is fired for screaming at a costumer. He then sees an add for a position working as an assistant to the owner of a modeling agency, and takes it. This is the same agency mentioned before. The owner has now hired scientists to create a costme that would give its’ wearer superpowers.through reasons as yet unknown to me, Sebestian gets to be the spokeshero. He is sent on numerous publicity stunts, one of which is meant to appeal to villians. The agency assures him that the OSHA knows it is just a stunt, but he is still captured and taken to jail by the Office. There, he learns that the agency is a front for a criminal organization. Sebestian joins the OSHA as an informant to take the agency down.

  584. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 6:35 am

    Is the description above too similar to your story? Would it be okay if I wrote a short story based on my description?

  585. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 7:34 am

    Whoa, that first comment was longer than I expected, sorry.

  586. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 7:38 am

    Costumer was supposed to be customer.

  587. B. McKenzieon 23 Dec 2012 at 11:48 am

    Hello, Anonymous.

    I think this would work well for a creative writing class.

    If you were writing to get this professionally published, I’d suggest several changes…
    –I’d recommend making Sebastian’s last name short and easy to pronounce.
    –Unless the kids getting killed by a supervillain are somehow critical to the plot moving forward, I don’t think you need to spend more than a sentence or two explaining why it’s illegal for civilians to dress up like a superhero. The situation sounds very similar to laws against police impersonation, which is already a crime pretty much everywhere, so I don’t think you’d need to explain it much (unless the explanation really added something to the story).
    –“…is fired for screaming at a customer.” Interesting.
    –I like the idea of the hero being turned as an informant.
    –The No Work, No Play Act feels like a contrived and overly complicated way to work a modeling agency into a superhero story.

  588. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 11:53 am

    B. Mac, Sebestian’s last name is a joke. If you seperate it, it spells No Last Name Yet.

  589. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 11:58 am

    The No Work, No Play Act is merely a way for me to meet the requirements of the writing excersize.

  590. B. McKenzieon 23 Dec 2012 at 12:00 pm

    “B. Mac, Sebestian’s last name is a joke.” Ah! I see what you’ve done there. 🙂

  591. Dr. Vo Spaderon 23 Dec 2012 at 12:02 pm

    “The situation sounds very similar to laws against police impersonation, which is already a crime pretty much everywhere…”

    I’ve been to several (small) places that have no police force and rely on the populace to govern themselves. There is also a prison where the inmates have their own society, jobs, homes, and even families. I personally like these kinds of societies, but I guess that’s just the anarchist in me. 🙂

  592. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Great, now I just need a reason as to why he becomes the spokeshero.

  593. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Also, the killing does add something to the novel. Ever since, The OSHA has become stricter and more beauacratic. Also, ther is an element of tension in the normal citizens.

  594. Anonymouson 23 Dec 2012 at 2:17 pm

    And I think the killing shows that most of the villians are super, and not content with mere bank robberies or home invasions.

  595. Anonymouson 24 Dec 2012 at 12:59 pm

    My post may have been buried in the other comments, so does anyone have any ideas about how my MC becomes the spokeshero?

  596. B. McKenzieon 24 Dec 2012 at 1:59 pm

    “So does anyone have any ideas about how my MC becomes the spokeshero?” Perhaps after becoming a superhero in a more limited role (e.g. a low-ranking field asset), he attracts a LOT of media attention in a highly positive way (e.g. saving several civilians and/or a VIP while the cameras are rolling). After that, it’d be vaguely believable if his employers decided to have him start doing press interviews in addition to his regular duties*. It’d also make sense if not everybody at the agency was excited about this (e.g. some people might have doubts about whether he was actually ready for that and/or would reflect on the agency in an unprofessional way–he doesn’t exactly have a phenomenal record of professional judgment).

    *However, this would eliminate any value he had as an undercover/double-agent…

  597. Lost alexon 27 Dec 2012 at 11:34 am

    Hey I was just wondering see I’m writing this story but it involves demons, superheroes, assasins, androids, clones, witches, werewolfs, vampires, and aliens…. Could it all work in the same story?

  598. B. McKenzieon 27 Dec 2012 at 5:34 pm

    “Hey I was just wondering see I’m writing this story but it involves demons, superheroes, assassins, androids, clones, witches, werewolves, vampires, and aliens…. Could it all work in the same story?” It’s not impossible–for example, I think Dr. McNinja incorporates a lot of random elements into incredible stories and has a fairly large readership. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (not the movie) has been mostly successful, although I would attribute that more to the talent/reputation of Alan Moore than whether the premise is particularly sharp. The Marvel and DC Universes do sort of have demons and witches and vampires, but they’re generally an afterthought… the most successful Marvel/DC stories are almost exclusively fantasy-free (even the Avenger named after a Norse god is sort of an alien).

    That said, I think the lack of genre consistency could make this a very difficult sell. If I could use myself anecdotally (with no idea whether I’m typical or not), I’d say that I could be interested in sci-fi (e.g. District 9 or Iron Man) and I could be interested in fantasy (e.g. His Majesty’s Dragon and Hellboy), but having Iron Man in the same story as a dragon would probably strike me as more goofy than not, unless you were deliberately going for a wacky vibe like Dr. McNinja. (Also, let’s please pretend that Fin Fang Foom never existed).

  599. Lost alexon 02 Jan 2013 at 11:15 am

    But I was thinking would it make sense if in my story there were 2 worlds. Human and demon. Would it make sense if somehow a scientist from the human world got a hold of a demon and cloned him? Or how about if that same scientist creates a team of androids to fight the demons? And couldn’t I connect the vampires and werewolf a to a demon whose interactions with humans caused this curse? And how about if a human and demon have a child together who grows up in the human world. Once he says to discover his demon abilities wouldn’t it be natural for him to wanna become a costumes superhero? With the demon world existing shouldn’t magic be able to exist too? Idk these are just some of the things I use for in-universe logic. Let me know what you think.

  600. B. McKenzieon 03 Jan 2013 at 12:07 am

    “But I was thinking would it make sense if in my story there were 2 worlds. Human and demon. Would it make sense if somehow a scientist from the human world got a hold of a demon and cloned him? Or how about if that same scientist creates a team of androids to fight the demons?” Well, I try to avoid the word “never,” but I’d probably pass pretty quickly in favor of a manuscript with more genre consistency because clearer genres generally make it easier to attract readers. The execution on a genre-bending story would have to be incredible (e.g. Dr. McNinja). Alternately, maybe tone down the sci-fi elements and make it more of an urban fantasy (a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer or perhaps Hellboy).

    “Once he says to discover his demon abilities wouldn’t it be natural for him to wanna become a costumes superhero…” I don’t know anything about the character’s personality, but the link between discovering demonic superpowers and becoming a costumed superhero is not at all self-explanatory. I’d recommend covering this like it’s an unusual decision (e.g. see Hellboy).

  601. Marion Harmonon 03 Jan 2013 at 9:10 pm

    I have to both agree and disagree with McKenzie here. Genre mash-ups are really the heart of the two mainstream superhero universes, Marvel and DC, and most recent comic-book settings seem to follow their example (the Nobleverse of Noble Causes, etc). What tends to make these work, however, is that the superheroes we see onstage (and the villains/creatures they fight) are generally the only visible oddities in an otherwise “normal” modern setting. For example, the DC universe has numerous mystics–Zatana, The Stranger, Dr. Fate, and so on–but no commercial sorcerers, witches, wizards, etc. There is no “magic industry.” Likewise for aliens; tons of alien and alien-origin superheroes, but no alien embassies in New York observing the UN, no interstellar treaties with nearby star nations, and most of all no interstellar trade.

    In my own books I have gone for the Mass Empowering Event (TV Tropes, look it up), but there is nothing wrong with the Kitchen Sink approach that draws on multiple sources; just be aware that this style works best if you don’t try and explain the setting in too much depth and are careful to limit public exposure to its more fantastic elements.

  602. B. McKenzieon 04 Jan 2013 at 2:37 am

    “…the [fantasy] superheroes we see onstage (and the villains/creatures they fight) are generally the only visible oddities in an otherwise “normal” modern setting.” I think the same is true of sci-fi: with a few exceptions, like Batman Beyond, most sci-fi superhero stories are set in a modern Earth which differs from the real world mainly in terms of superpowered action. In particular, like you noted, we see something like Reed Richards Is Useless at work: no matter how much contact there is with aliens, it generally won’t have much-if-any impact on everyday life for regular humans. Compromising the relatability of the setting could create marketability issues for a superhero story (though, oddly, these concerns don’t seem to apply to other types of stories).

    ” For example, the DC universe has numerous mystics… Likewise for aliens; tons of alien and alien-origin superheroes, but no alien embassies in New York observing the UN, no interstellar treaties with nearby star nations, and most of all no interstellar trade…” Hmm. I think Marvel adheres to this more consistently than DC does (especially on the fantasy side). For example, on the DC side, Wonder Woman is the U.N. ambassador for a magically gifted nation of Amazons. Morgan La Fey sometimes encroaches on the real world in a way that would have massive effects on everyday life–e.g. she turned England into Avalon in Justice League. On the sci-fi side, there have been a number of alien invasions in both Marvel and DC. It’s hard to imagine that there are any New Yorkers that haven’t met an alien by this point… in battle.

  603. Marion Harmonon 04 Jan 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Either way, what it really comes down to is that modern superhero settings have a real-world default that is almost always deferred to. Alien and demonic invasions may come and go, but day-to-day technology and society remains the same; it’s Real World + Superpowers. And even the superhumans don’t change things much; with the exceptions of of microstates like Latveria, Genosha, etc., the political landscape remains the same. Again, it’s a part of the genre.

  604. Lost alexon 08 Jan 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Thanks for the input guys it actually really helps. And I actually had both the marvel and dc universe in mind when I began writin my many stories. My goal was to create a universe with heroes of all types like magic, super powered, and even technology.

  605. Adkinson 10 Jan 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Well, I have a story in mind and such, and was looking for some tips or maybe some ideas for improvement. I’m doing a purely vigilante story, this isn’t a world full of superheroes, kind of like the Dark Knight series, realistic and such. The main character is Alistair Grey, he grew up into a wealthy family (Not necessarily a million dollar family, somewhat below that) But around five or six his house was on fire, killing his mother, and his father saved him but died from the after affect of the fire. He moves in with his grandma, who loves him unconditionally, though he grows up angry, sad and distant. He grows up taking martial arts and mixed martial arts classes for several years, but he’s not a master. Around twenty two, his grandma dies, leaving him a note of what really happened with his parents death. Five corrupt cops that extorted the city, including his parents. His dad finally stood up for them, and the cops come back to burn your house down, which causes the death of your parents. Your Grandma says in the note or video to not seek revenge, but to use this to make you a better person. But you do the opposite. I also came up with your character suffering a multiple person disorder from the trauma of your childhood event, causing him to argue with his other persona in his mind, and sometimes it takes over. Alistair is a good person, while his other half is crazy, evil and just wants to hurt those who did them wrong. The cops are now well trenched into the near corrupt police force, into the higher ranks, and the leader of the five now the head of police. So you don to a vigilante persona, that the media names the Scarlet Nocturne, as you fight for revenge and peace for your parents as you destroy their operations and bring their world down around them. Now, I want the character to be dark, brooding and angry, but still good, only killing when forced, though his other half goes out of the way to kill. Along the way he meets a college student that he saves the life of, in return helps him with communications, hacking and gadgets (I thought maybe the character has a father in federal prison for hacking government systems) Also, Alistair isn’t perfect, he isn’t a master martial artist, and he isn’t rich (Was thinking cops planted fake evidence of some crime, freezing their accounts and taking away money) Leaving Alistair with very little, only a small sum, meaning he doesn’t access with super fancy equipment, leaving his partner to help in that department.

  606. Marion Harmonon 12 Jan 2013 at 10:38 am

    1.) “He grows up angry, sad, and distant.” This is much too Bruce Wayne.
    2.) “Your Grandma says in the note or video to not seek revenge, but to use this to make you a better person.” What kind of person, after raising an “angry, sad, and distant” child, would think that telling him his parents were murdered, instead of dying in a tragic accident, would help them to be a better person? You need a different source for his information.
    3.) There is not a lot of distance between “dark, brooding, and angry,” and happily homicidal, whereas multiple personalities tend to be very much bipolar opposites. I would drop the mental disorder and go with a guy who is deeply committed and principled–who simply sees nothing wrong with Punishing The Guilty but doesn’t want to “descend to their level” by hurting anybody else. Think Dexter.

    These are of course merely suggestions. A writer writes first for himself, so the correct response is “Whatever slays your dragon.”

  607. B. McKenzieon 12 Jan 2013 at 12:04 pm

    “This is too much Bruce Wayne.” I agree. As you move forward on the proposal and fleshing out the story, I’d recommend thinking about additional ways to separate yourself from Batman/Bruce Wayne. Character development (especially personality and motivation) strike me as big opportunities here.

    “You need a different source for his information.” I think it would help if the character played a larger role in the acquisition of this information (e.g. figuring out enough of what happened to convince the grandmother to admit the truth). For example, if forgiveness vs. revenge is a major theme of the story, perhaps he figures out that the parents probably didn’t actually die in an accident, so he goes to the grandmother and asks to know what happened so that he can (supposedly) forgive whoever is responsible. Lying to a dying grandmother would probably be a more memorable decision, and would help the character develop the plot on his own more than idly benefiting from the aid of others.

  608. Adkinson 12 Jan 2013 at 2:30 pm

    I knew it’d be a lot like Bruce Wayne, but I didn’t want him to become a vigilante to save the city. More or less to exact revenge, and I wanted people and the media to take it as he’s fighting the corrupt of the city. I do like “Nothing wrong with punishing the guilty but not wanting anyone else to get hurt.” I’m a little dry on how to separate personality from the Batman/Bruce Wayne character though, and how he could possibly acquire the information that it wasn’t just an accident. Though this is already helping me make the story better as I try to improve upon it.

  609. YoungAuthoron 12 Jan 2013 at 5:17 pm

    As another author creating a Batman-esque character, I can recommend a few tips that helped me.

    1.) Give your character unique traits. Batman is frightining as well as cold and calculating. I try to give my own character, Crimson Avenger (CA), these traits as well as some that separate him from Batman. I try to make him witty, stubborn, and arrogant.

    2.) Make him make decisions Batman wouldn’t. My character, CA, is an antihero who kills villains because he feels this is the right way to do things.

    I hope these helped

  610. Marion Harmonon 12 Jan 2013 at 6:26 pm

    ” I’m a little dry on how to separate personality from the Batman/Bruce Wayne character though, and how he could possibly acquire the information that it wasn’t just an accident.”

    One of the original cops is terminally ill, or gets religion. Either way, he wants to “square accounts” and passes the information to your protagonist. Or a journalist digs it up and comes to him for a piece of the puzzle. Lots of ways for somebody else to set him on the path to finding out what happened.

  611. Adkinson 12 Jan 2013 at 7:40 pm

    This does help a lot! I think what I’ll do is steer away from constantly being cold and dark and such like Bruce Wayne, and try to give him a different personality, but show the aspects of his anger and sadness through out it, as he struggles between forgiveness and revenge. Then try fleshing out ideas like Marion Harmon came up with, thanks so much:)

  612. YoungAuthoron 12 Jan 2013 at 8:08 pm

    Your welcome!

  613. Adkinson 13 Jan 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Well, after some thought, I decided to go with a journalist (Who may or may not end up being romantically involved with the protagonist I’m undecided) ends up coming to Alistair. At this point I’m trouble whether I should go about the information.

  614. I Am An Author of Nothingon 19 Jan 2013 at 1:15 pm

    I am trying to write a hero story that is way grittier and dark than usual in hero sstories. The Character: Ethan White is someone gets powers from an organization (many people in this story get their powers from being experimented on or literally created by this group.) and basically they have a goal to save the world from itself as technology coupled with an increase in wars and violence and hate could actually lead to the downfall of the human race.

    Ethan iss someone who would be considered to have a perfect life but this all begins to go downhill as he is kidnapped by this group and experimented. He becomes one of the first successful subjects to survive the experimentation and thus they do many things to him that sends him nearly to a breaking point. I need some advice though on how to make his origin unique. I want to take him down a darker path to where at first he uses he uses his skills to wisely and thinks through his actions but soon he gets darker and darker and even kills people that he considers evil. He will try to get out but it just gets worse and worse. I was even thinking of tying this in with the Organizations agenda to purge the world of impurity so that he might even start liking their idea. Obviously It needs tons of work but I would like some advice as to what I should do and what path I should take in writing him and this story.

  615. I Am An Author of Nothingon 19 Jan 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I would also like to note that I want to show a confliction between Ethan and other super humans as they start to disagree with is methods and his own mental stability as to whether he is capable of handling missions. Though if I do that I problably need to make the superhumans to be around longer than maybe a year or two for an order to be structered yet young enough where they are not fully trusted and reliable and still have to get used to their powers and the relationship between humans and which would later add to a bigger conflict between humans and super humans that I have planned to maybe be a consequence of the fighting between Ethan and his crew and the organization that caused the super powers.

  616. B. McKenzieon 19 Jan 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Hello, Author of Nothing. Some suggestions:

    It was hard for me to follow the character development and probably the plot as well. For example, “Basically they have a goal to save the world from itself as technology coupled with an increase in wars and violence and hate could actually lead to the downfall of the human race…”
    1) What do they actually do about it? Are we talking about a peaceful nongovernmental organization like the ACLU or a violently anti-technological group like the Luddites, or a violent organization targeting the spreaders of hate (like the X-Men vs. the Brotherhood)?
    2) I’d recommend focusing the goals more narrowly–What does technology have to do with hate?
    3) I’d recommend being clearer about the goals. When you say “they have the goal…”, you’re talking about the organization rather than all of the members, right? (Because it sounds like Ethan does not share these goals, at least not at first, if he’s kidnapped and attempts to escape).

    –“I need some advice though on how to make his origin unique.” I’d recommend giving him an unusual choice during his origin, something which draws on a distinctive personality trait. What are some choices he’d make which 95% of other superheroes wouldn’t make in the same situation?

    –Who’s the main villain? Right now, it looks like the main conflict for Ethan is with this (presumably evil) organization that kidnapped him and subjected him to highly dangerous experiments. If you have Ethan becoming what is essentially a henchman to an evil organization, I think it would seriously compromise his likability. At the very least, if you go down that path, it might help if there were some opposing outside group that was even worse.

  617. I Am An Author of Nothingon 19 Jan 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Hello, thank you for your comment. Those are good points that I would like to clarify. I would like to say that the Organization is more of a Kill 99% of the Population to create a new world that conforms to their wishes “in the name of the safety of humanity.” Enslaving the world also could work. The people in the organization needs more work but essentially it is like another extremist group. While some of the leaders might be driven by selfish needs many of them are actually doing what they believe is a necessary evil. Or more likely a necessary thing as they don’t really have moral values. The leaders are made up of a sort of council who still follow someone known as the Director to his council men but he is secretly among them. Right now I am trying to decide if By hate I mean things akin to violence and groups that are voicing their opinions more violently and outright. Extremist groups against things like the advance of technology and even the superhumans are becoming more malevolent. Basically the world is becoming a more dangerous place where people are beginning to voice their opinions louder and louder until it becomes something of a ticking time bomb. And when I say that Ethan begins to actually agree with some of the organizations views I mean he is starting to step more onto the grey line in which his whole perspective changes but he is in no way a villain. Though he could be coming close I have no wish to make him a villain. Though I will have to say that not many people will agree with his way of handling things. I know it still needs a lot of work but hopefully my first novel will be great.

  618. B. McKenzieon 19 Jan 2013 at 11:23 pm

    “I would like to say that the Organization is more of a Kill 99% of the Population to create a new world that conforms to their wishes ‘in the name of the safety of humanity.’ Enslaving the world also could work… Ethan begins to actually agree with some of the organization’s views, starting to step more onto the grey line in which his whole perspective changes but he is in no way a villain.”

    Hmm, yeah. It sounds like likability might be an issue for the character. Right now, it sounds like he’s falling in with a genocidal organization that kidnapped him, which may make him look both evil AND weak. One alternate possibility would be that he joins the organization willingly, has a change of heart, and spends most of the story working against the organization (perhaps attempting to undo the damage he did). Or maybe he does work for the organization in some vaguely disagreeable way (e.g. handling packages he knows are criminal or cleaning up crime scenes but not asking questions about what’s going on), and he later has a change of heart after he discovers what he was involved in.

    “Though he could be coming close, I have no wish to make him a villain. Though I will have to say that not many people will agree with his way of handling things.” Agreed–working for a genocidal organization could come off as disagreeable. Understatement aside, what about this character will readers sympathize with? E.g. Magneto’s revenge against the Nazis makes his subsequent opposition to humanity a bit softer and more three-dimensional. Even then, though, he is the villain.

  619. I Am An Author of Nothingon 20 Jan 2013 at 7:40 am

    Ok I think I see what you are saying here. I am looking through all my ideas/notes now and trying to figure out What I am mising. Thanks I will try to get back to you soon.

  620. T'Challaon 20 Jan 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Well my character Frost God (that’s his name for now, until i can thank of a better one) is an ex-supervillain & drug addict that wants to turn his life around after his team was responsible for an explosion at a elementary school. After that incident he decides to leave the organization for good. He checks into a drug rehab center to get himself clean for good. After rehab, he decides to go on a journey. He wants to find out where the source of his cold/ice powers come from and on the way he meets a bunch of characters. Both good & bad. (family members, ex teammates from the agency he used to work with, victims from his past, other superpowered beings and a very mysterious man) This won’t be an origin story, it will be a story about redemption & self-discovery with action of course. His origin will only be mentioned throughout the story. I thought long and hard about this. Opinions please? 🙂

  621. B. McKenzieon 20 Jan 2013 at 8:20 pm

    “an ex-supervillain & drug addict that wants to turn his life around after his team was responsible for an explosion at a elementary school…” Okay, I think that’s a good start. As you flesh out the story, one thing I would look for is possibly a moral decision/conflict more distinctive to the main character’s personality and/or goals. For example, if the main character is an unusually loyal friend, maybe his departure from his organization starts with the organization either betraying one of his teammates and/or asking him to do so–e.g. M goes to almost comical lengths to screw over her agents in Skyfall, which creates a conflict between a James Bond who is aggressively loyal to her and a villain who got screwed.

  622. T'Challaon 20 Jan 2013 at 11:12 pm

    But i’m having trouble coming up with the main antagonist. I was thinking of a girl with pyrokinetic abilities who has a very strong vendetta against frost god. Would it be a cliché to give her fire powers?

  623. Primeon 25 Jan 2013 at 8:11 pm

    I’m having an extremely hard time coming up with an origin for my hero. His name is Wesley Thoms, he owns a private investigation firm that was inherited from his late father. On the first day of his job, he gets called in to investigate an unusual murder in a genetics engineering lab……….and i can’t think of nothing after that. Wes has the ability to mimic the abilities & attributes of a snake. Any suggestions?

  624. B. McKenzieon 25 Jan 2013 at 9:24 pm

    “On the first day of his job, he gets called in to investigate an unusual murder in a genetics engineering lab……….and i can’t think of nothing after that.” I’d recommend giving him an unusual choice based on a distinctive trait. What’s something he would do that 95% of heroes wouldn’t do in the same situation?

  625. Kal-Elon 30 Jan 2013 at 9:59 am

    this is the origin story for my character that has demon like powers

    After the Angel/Demon/Human a military faction was created to protect the world from demons called the demon hunters. Tom Walkers father Frank Walker who worked for the organisation for many years untill he died under mysterious circumstances, A demon posessed him and was using him to give other demons access to earth, the demon hunters found this out and destroyed the demon killing toms father in the process the demon hunters hid this fact and said Frank and his squad where over run by demons and killed. For years Tom found it hard to accept that his dad died this way and always thought it was a lie. Tom finds a old mission report in his dads study and the mission his dad was on when he died was marked complete showing that the mission was not a failure and that Toms father survived the mission. Tom goes to the organisations head quarters to investagate more and comes across a holding room, inside he finds holding chambers filled with strange creature, not knowing that the creatures are demons Tom messes around with the chamber and accidently opens it, the demon wakes up and attacks Tom, possesing his body to protect itself from the demon hunters. Tom wakes up in a cell chained to the wall with armoured demon hunters in front of him. that all i have just now tell me what you think.

  626. T2famouson 07 Feb 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Hi everyone. I’ve been working on an idea for a superpower novel. My villain named Pain has been working with the government in an attempt to create superhumans that can be used for war purposes against various countries who are becoming threats to the Global Republic. After creating a method for doing so, Pain needs to see if it works on a large scale, so gets permission from the Magister of the Global Republic to test it on a city. So, my main character, Cole, who is a bike courier, unknowingly is carrying the genetic bomb that Pain develops. When it gets to the predestined location the bomb goes off and many people in the bomb radius are given powers, while most are killed.
    I know it sounds close to InFamous, at least origin wise but after that it differs greatly. Any thoughts on how it could be developed would be highly welcomed. I’ve been stuck trying to write this novel for years!

  627. Jacob Strainon 08 Feb 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Wow. The bike courrier is a day job I have never seen for a hero, so well done there. However, I need to see more development for Cole, such as key traits and personality. Why was he chosen? If you give him a chance to prove himself, ideally by having him make an unusual decision, it could be great.

  628. T2famouson 08 Feb 2013 at 8:49 pm

    To be honest, I’ve been stuck between that origin and another. The other on is where Cole and his brother were recruited at a young age by a group called the Inner Circle. The Circle works with developing the powers of mutants, and remains pretty much under the radar except for their leader. In response to the growing mutant threat the government developed the Knight’s Order, which is designed to track and exterminate any dangerous mutants. When the Order got wind of the Circle they began killing all mutants that were involved for what they believed to be plotting to overthrow the gov’t. Cole’s brother is able to allow Cole to escape but remains to the fight the Knight’s.
    That’s basically a summary of the prologue. Chapter one would begin with Cole heading to an old facility to obtain any records of what might have happened to his brother.
    Any ideas on which one might work better?

  629. Jacob Strainon 09 Feb 2013 at 5:35 am

    I like the first one best, but a personality is needed.

  630. Cadillacon 09 Feb 2013 at 11:16 am

    Hey guys, so I’ve been thinking about writing a superhero story about a guy in Seattle who works as a magazine writer. The story starts right as his father, a police officer, is killed in duty. The main character, Lance, is deeply saddened and his next project for the magazine requires him to visit Brazil. In Brazil, he is poisoned by a locust and passes out in a jungle. He is rescued by a farmer who helps him recover, but while recovering, Lance notices small, green cuffs on his wrist. He tries to take them off, but when contacted the cuffs form into a metallic shell similar to the exo-skeleton of an insect, or locust. Lance goes back home to Seattle and keeps the shell a secret from everyone, but uses it to try to find the man that killed his father. His search is unsuccessful, but his best friend introduces him to a girl he thinks he should date. She is a journalist and tells Lance about escalating crime in Seattle and more specifically about a man named Cue Ball whose gang is responsible for nearly thirty percent of murders in the city. Lance then goes looking for him as Locust and starts interfering with Cue Ball’s business. Cue Ball grows upset and has his assassin try to kill him for a reward. He also has to cut back on his drug purchasing because he can no longer sell as much. This angers Luis Santos, a drug king in Brazil who sells to Cue Ball. Luis gets even more upset at Cue Ball when his assassin fails to kill Locust. He has heard the rumors of the locust and finds the man who saved Lance. He demands information before killing him and finding a young man who is poor and starving. Luis offers the starving man a huge amount of money is he conducts the experiment on himself with a hornet. The man accepts and becomes Black Jacket, but because he was never poisoned to begin with, the hornet overtakes his humanity and he goes crazy. The only things he does is try to kill Luis for taking his humanity and Black Jacket runs riot in Brazil, destroying many villages and killing many people. Lance has to kill Black Jacket before things get too out of hand. Cue Ball also refuses to help Luis’s pleas for help until Locust is dead. Luis is eventually killed by Black Jacket and Locust kills Cue Ball’s hitman. Locust goes to Brazil to kill Black Jacket. After killing him, he returns to Seattle and tries to find Cue Ball. But what makes matters complicated is that Cue Ball does business with Lance’s best friend’s boss, Tom Baker. Lance’s friend Miles lost both his parents when he was eleven and Tom was almost like a father to him for the second half of his life. When Lance tells Miles about the discovery, Miles refuses to help him. Lance eventually convinces him to help and the two of them catch Cue Ball and Tom. Tom apologizes to Miles before being arrested. Lance also has a love life that becomes messed up because of Locust. He has been good friends with a girl and the two of them finally start dating, but Lance often misses dates and can’t spend time with her because he has to find criminals. In the end, he bugs her so much and hurts her by giving her the impression that he doesn’t care about her so she leaves him for good.
    Let me know what you think. Thanks.

  631. T2famouson 09 Feb 2013 at 11:50 am

    So Cole’s been stuck living in the shadow of his both his best friends. They work for a powerful biological and engineering company (secretly run by Pain). While he’s happy at their success, he’s bitter because his life hasn’t gone the way he wanted. He and his girlfriend, Sara, are very close. I was thinking that the bomb going off would kinda weaken their relationship by having someone Sara cared about (some family member) be killed in it. All and all, he just wants to be more than what he has become

  632. YoungAuthoron 09 Feb 2013 at 5:23 pm

    @Cadillac- I like it a lot. For an overview it seems really well developed. I’d read it

  633. Blackscaron 10 Feb 2013 at 7:52 pm

    (I apologize in advance just in case I accidentally posted this under the wrong article; navigation is somewhat wonky on a mobile phone! Sorry!)

    [Also, sorry for the incredibly long post!]

    I’ve got yet another inquiry, this time concerning one of my primary MCs, Alice Blackfang. Alice is a pyrokinetic. Before you call me out on overuse, I put a twist on it: in the world of my novel, most pyrokinetics have very weak ranged attacks, and their flames are a dull orange. Alice, however, had a mutation passed down from an ancestor many years ago- Wildfire. Wildfire is bright blue, and far more dangerous and uncontrollable than regular fire. (It’s gotten her into severe trouble on numerous occasions, and she has a hard time in the romantic department. Many of her potential boyfriends broke up with her because most people do not appreciate having most of their bodies burned whilst kissing.) She’s got a fiery temper, as clichéd as that is, and she’s somewhat dangerous. She’s not a villain, though. Alice DOES ally herself with the heroes of my story.
    However, I’d like to ask about her backstory, and how she discovered her powers:

    Alice came from a rough background, raised by a single mother, Celeste Blackfang, because her extremely wealthy father was all but beaten away with a cattle prod. Celeste mother believed that Day Whiteclaw (her father. Corny name, but whatever.) valued his other two children, trophy wife whom he honestly didn’t love, and his successful enterprise more than Alice and herself. However, the Blackfang family wasn’t exactly well-liked by the majority of the population thanks to a mistake made by the original Blackfang a long time ago. Their family had fallen on hard times, and they sometimes didn’t have enough to eat. Her mother could barely afford to pay the rent and utility bills.
    As can be inferred, Alice was extremely resentful of her father, though that would later change. However, one day, not too long after she turned eleven, she found that she could make small blue sparks, and over the course of a year she could eventually make a small flame. She did the obvious thing: threatened money out of people, did whatever necessary to survive. (Kinetics, or basically people with elemental powers in my novel, are loathed and killed on sight by the general population except for in a few cities around the world.) One time she was out walking just to get out of the house when she saw the convenience store nearby being robbed. She did the obvious thing: dart in, quickly take some things while everyone was distracted, and leave like her life depended on it.
    Her mother later fell critically ill after Alice turned fourteen, and needed to stay in the hospital due to severe illness. Alice was taken in by her father and half-siblings. It was hard for her to adjust to the fact that she no longer needed to steal things just to live to see the next day, but she managed to slowly break her old habits. Nowadays, at age sixteen, she hates it when people waste food or other things just because they can, and will usually blow up at them.

    Ah, that’s all I have for now. What do you think? Too contrived, or is it actually reasonable?

  634. B. McKenzieon 10 Feb 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Some thoughts and suggestions, Blackscar.

    –The surname Blackfang feels a bit more Tolkienesque than modern. Is that intentional? It may help to tweak the name to just “Black” or “Fang” (a top-175 surname among Asians in the U.S.)

    –“Kinetics, or basically people with elemental powers in my novel, are loathed and killed on sight by the general population except for in a few cities around the world.” Is that consistent with her threatening people for money? If there’s this sort-of-terrifying prospect of being killed on sight, it may feel a bit strange if she’s flaunting her abilities to victims that have every reason to turn her into the cops.

    –I like that the character has unusual choices (e.g. stealing goods from a store while it’s being robbed). However, I suspect the character could probably be more likable. If she were hypothetically shot and killed by a police officer, I don’t think most of your readers would be as bothered as you would probably want… I don’t see much here generating sympathy, and some of the things she’s doing (like stealing goods from a store while it’s being robbed, and threatening people with her superpowers) range from asshole to villainous. I suppose that depends on execution–e.g. in Hunger Games, I think the main character remained likable despite doing a lot of objectionably tough things because her situation was so difficult.

  635. Blackscaron 10 Feb 2013 at 9:55 pm

    @ B. McKenzie

    -Yes, the odd surname was, in fact, intentional. The original Blackfang was born in a medieval setting, and the name was passed down over the years. 🙂

    -I may have forgotten to mention that she lives in one of those ‘Safe Cities’, haha! Sorry about that!

    -I took what you said into consideration, and I agree that Alice needs to be more likable. She needs a few more positive traits. I’ve decided that she’ll be loyal to a fault (hence why she stole the goods-she gave 70% of her profit to her mother, instead of contacting child services to be placed in a better home.)
    Also, I will make it so that because she’s wealthier now, she won’t hesitate to give money to a needy friend-but that doesn’t mean that she won’t carry on and act like it’s SUCH a big deal! After all, she knows what it’s like. Also, Alice is secretly a huge fan of comics and video games, though that’s not really a personality-altering trait, I suppose.

    So, does she seem more likable, or do you think that I should add more?

    Thank you so much for your suggestions, by the way. They really were helpful!

  636. B. McKenzieon 11 Feb 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Okay, I think that all makes her sound more likable. I’d recommend using these traits to create problems for her… For example, perhaps she’s so loyal to her mother that it creates problems for her with accepting her father later on.

    I’d recommend using her generosity to create problems as well–for example, perhaps someone attempts to take advantage of her generosity*, relies on her too much, and/or she gives away something even though it makes her life more difficult (such as failing at a significant goal because she has been too generous with someone else — e.g. in Spider-Man 2 and The Incredibles, the main characters suffer major problems at their jobs and romances because of how much time they are giving to strangers).

    *For example, Bishop Myriel in the novel Les Miserables or any police story where a compassionate police officer gives someone the benefit of the doubt and it ends up creating a major problem later on. In Homeland, an overly trusting CIA agent thinks he’s building a bond with a prisoner by giving her eyeglasses, but she ends up smashing the lenses and using the shards to kill someone.

    “-I may have forgotten to mention that she lives in one of those ‘Safe Cities’, haha! Sorry about that!” Are these safe cities anarchic and/or run by the mutants? If not, it may help if there are some consequences to her shaking down people for money, especially if it’s a recurring thing for her.

  637. I Am An Author of Nothingon 15 Feb 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Ok, hello I am back. I have been a little busy with school and haven’t gotten around to posting my idea of Ethan White’s Origins.

  638. I Am An Author of Nothingon 15 Feb 2013 at 4:52 pm

    I have decided I want Ethan White to be sort of a tragic hero. Basically Ethan Whites obsession for revenge after the organization murders someone close to him leads to leading an endless violent war against the organization no matter what else. This leads him to come in conflict with his own team and the newly erected super hero league(no name yet) that seeks to keep the peace between humans and super humans while doing justice. Many superhumans know about the Organization and most of those either work for the group or work for the super hero league which has decided to not act against it outright for fear of increasing tension between the humans and super humans. That is why Ethan and his team were sent to do it. Little does anyone kno, Ethan is also a sleeper agent for the organization and basically they send him to do something that leads to him getting arrested. This leads to the Organization going public and offering help to rid the world of the super human gene(s) and getting the support from most humans and even the government who does not want to lose support from the majority. Thus this leads to an all out conflict with humans and the super humans. What do you think. Ethan’s powers along with many others are caused by experimentation after being kidnapped at a young age. I also think I want to add that the majority of the superpowers are caused by a reaction/spill/leak/explosion sort thing that causes all kinds of powers to pop up all over the place. What do you think?

  639. I Am An Author of Nothingon 15 Feb 2013 at 4:56 pm

    I also want to note that Ethan will problably be the main pov for at least until all the way up to his arrest which will then switch to a secondary main character whose POV will be the most prominent. There will be POV for several characters hopefully though throughout the book/series/plot/story. Thanks for listening 🙂

  640. Marcon 15 Feb 2013 at 6:47 pm

    I’m looking for an impression/opinion on a superhero character I’m wanting to start. I don’t have a lot of details yet, but I’d like to know if it at least SEEMS remotely interesting.

    – a police academy cadet who takes up the identity of his favorite childhood superhero to start fighting crime, but is soon pursued BY the police for impersonating an officer.

  641. B. McKenzieon 15 Feb 2013 at 8:32 pm

    “I don’t have a lot of details yet, but I’d like to know if it at least SEEMS remotely interesting. A police academy cadet takes up the identity of his favorite childhood superhero to start fighting crime, but is soon pursued BY the police for impersonating an officer.” It’s hard to say this early in the process, but I feel like the main character could be more distinctive/memorable–e.g. give him/her a choice that most superheroes wouldn’t make in the same situation. Preferably something which draws in his/her signature personality trait(s). For example, maybe he was involved in something that his superiors on the police force would strongly disapprove of (e.g. he really botches an important police mission), and his solution to this problem is to blame it on a superhero that he makes up. Or perhaps he takes on the identity of a superhero for some sort of epic sting operation*.

    Or perhaps he takes on the identity of a CURRENT superhero for whatever reason. (For example, maybe he is a hard-edged cop a la Detective Bullock going after an ersatz Batman vigilante, BUT he witnesses (and maybe somehow contributes to) Ersatz Batman’s death. Batman asks him to take up the mantle — whatever else is wrong with him, he’s a hardened and incorruptible investigator — but the main character initially refuses because he thinks that the police can handle the situation better now that Batman is out of the way. Well, this being a superhero story, that obviously doesn’t pan out, and the city starts to go to hell with Batman apparently having disappeared. The main character realizes that the city needs a Batman-like figure, so he becomes one. (There may be conflict with one of the superhero’s associates, like an ersatz Robin angry that ersatz Batman passed him up — probably because Batman knew he wasn’t ready yet).

    *One faintly plausible interpretation of The Dark Knight Rises: the police have Robin undercover keeping tabs on Batman. It’d explain how he was much better-connected to the commissioner than a random rookie cop probably would be. (Whether or not Robin is fully on-board with this plan is another matter).

  642. Marcon 16 Feb 2013 at 10:12 am

    I’ll admit right now, that sounds like a really cool angle to play with, but I don’t think it works for the story I want to tell. There’s already been a lot of really unnecessary “darkness” in superhero comics (which, for Batman or Punisher, I can understand) and I really like the old, light-hearted spirit of Stan Lee’s run on Spider-Man.

    To be honest, the darkest elements I was going to incorporate were the death of the hero’s parent (a decorated cop who was killed in a drug sting) and the accidental death of a criminal that he may feel responsible for (heroes never kill, that whole trope).

  643. B. McKenzieon 16 Feb 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Okay. Then I’d recommend incorporating a major failure or unusual decision in some non-dark way into his origin story. For example, Stan Lee’s run on Spider-Man featured Peter Parker not stopping the robber, which got his uncle killed.

  644. Marcon 17 Feb 2013 at 2:13 am

    major failure works… maybe something like the classic “Batman scares Red Hood over the rails”, but without Hood turning into the Joker.

    I haven’t really worked out the origin story yet, but I kind of want to use “Hero At Large” as the template. are you familiar with that movie?

  645. B. McKenzieon 17 Feb 2013 at 1:35 pm

    I haven’t seen Hero at Large.

  646. Blackscaron 24 Feb 2013 at 11:30 pm

    @ B. McKenzie

    About the safe cities, I’ve placed only one in the U.S., and the others are spread around near Europe. The city that my novel focuses in, and the one that Alice and the rest of my protagonists inhabit, is run by a mysterious and powerful Morgan Lafeyette, whose similarity of names to another Morgan in history are not just a coincidence. (In-universe, of course.) She’s on no one’s side but the one that benefits her the most at the present moment.
    For example, in one scene she assists the heroes only because one of them owed her something, and you simply do not dare die whilst in Morgan’s debt, but in a latter one she’s poisoning the main character just because it would spur his uncle to pay off an owed favor just to get the antidote to save his life.
    Alice wasn’t stupid; she struck late at night wearing hooded clothing so no one would see who she was, but it did raise some eyebrows at a pyrokinetic committing robbery. No one knew the identity of said pyrokinetic, but some were keen to find out. Also, Alice tried very hard to keep her powers secret so people wouldn’t make the obvious connection.

    In short, someone as capricious as Morgan wouldn’t care about a chain of minor robberies, though the local police force certainly did. She wouldn’t call for any further investigation unless her own personal fortune were threatened.

    (I apologize for the long post. I have the tendency to get carried away sometimes.)

  647. Marcon 25 Feb 2013 at 5:16 am

    I haven’t seen it yet, either… I got the summary off of IMDB; a struggling actor (played by John Ritter, of all people) is hired to wear the costume of “Captain Avenger” as a promotional gimmick for a film, and decides to dabble in real-life superheroing when he stops a robbery while wearing the costume.

    What fascinated me about this is that “Captain Avenger” is an established fictional character within the setting of the movie, kind of like back in the Silver Age when you’d occasionally see Robin sitting around in Titans Tower or the Batcave, thumbing through a Batman comic in his downtime. Somebody in Gotham City was writing Batman comic books, and thus has created a completely separate identity and back story. This is a really fascinating concept.

    And I should probably point out that the only other example I can think of is an episode of Batman: The Animated Series, where Bruce used to watch “The Grey Ghost” with his father before the incident, and it could be argued that the Grey Ghost character was a partial inspiration to his becoming The Batman.

  648. Michaelon 20 Apr 2013 at 4:06 pm

    A powerful familia human inherits a born Princess, making him The Prince of an extraordinary alien family. He’s chosen to fight the highly powerful scientific, strong white, impoverished villains with static electricity teleportation abilities; a device moving weaponry to the past or the future, carrying heavy equipment. This is a stealthy secret invisible Black super intelligence, and the Prince becomes a soldier, someone mastered in telekinesis; so they can relate. The prince has an identity of fighting crime. He’s a hardened and incorruptible investigator, and he uncovers a plan of Darkness.

  649. B. McKenzieon 20 Apr 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Michael, I’m having trouble understanding what is going on. For example, what is a familia human?

  650. WinslowMudDon 09 May 2013 at 8:21 pm


    I just want to say that I found the entire series of “FRINGE” very interesting, intriguing, and a great take on sci-fi. (including a superpower-esq drug “Cortexiphan”) The thing that I found most interesting, at least where season 5 was concerned, was one of the main characters actions/origins. Peter’s motivation for the use of his new-found abilities and the path he took to get the are somewhat lackluster, but the fact he was actually involved in the gaining of his abilities, and the depth his actions had, was rather different from most media forms I have seen.


    The season begins with the serial characters “waking” after being frozen in time for 21 years, having been in search for a way to defeat the invading “Observers”. (Humans from our future who have poisoned their atmosphere and have decided to use their very-advanced-technology to take over our world) Arriving there, they begin building “The Machine” with a series of “We Need to Get This!” episodes. During this, the two main characters are reunited with their thought to be long dead daughter, and rekindle a great relationship with her. They are departed from her again about halfway through the season when the main antagonist, an “Observer” kills her. Peter, the Husband of the two, takes things much more harshly, or more openly displays it. After working with the “Resistance”, he manages to find and interrogate an “Observer”, in hopes of using a device to destroy their entire future world. This fails, and when he returns, they have a heated debate. After the debate, Peter realizes something he had said during the argument, and decides to remove the technology that grants the “Observers” their abilities, and intends to use it himself to “avenge his daughters death”

    The second interesting thing is what the abilities actually do to his relationships, which are probably one of the most important things in a good story, almost equal to the plot I’d say. Anyway, as his mastery over his abilities continues to manifest itself, and as his vengeance comes ever closer, he begins actually becoming and “Observer”. This basically means that as he goes on, all of his emotion is slowly becoming replaced by rational thought, possibly eventually leading to his complete loss of himself, and of his loves and life he once had.



  651. Tirgersson 26 Jun 2013 at 11:29 am

    Hey. I’m having a little trouble on a character of my who has fire powers, but how she got is the tricky part. The character name is Rosie. Superhero name is Red Dragon.
    There’s more but you need to ask.
    To anyone reading this please do rely.

  652. B. McKenzieon 26 Jun 2013 at 9:07 pm

    “There’s more but you need to ask.” If I could make a recommendation, I think you’ll generally get more feedback by being more specific with what you’re looking for, and any relevant details about your story. I don’t know what questions I should be asking…

  653. Anonymouson 27 Jun 2013 at 11:41 pm

    I recently had an idea for a hero that works for the government. Within the story, he (no name yet) is the only person with superpowers. He volunteered for an experiment, and he was the first survivor. There were other volunteers at the facility, but he is unable to keep his newly acquired powers under control, so he goes berserk and obliterates the facility before blacking out. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital, and he discovers that technology has been implanted in his head that will allow the government to regulate his abilities and determine which ones he has access to. Over the next few years, the government uses him to establish dominance across the globe. He has no friends and little contact with the outside world because he is terrified of what he can do. A small group of people lead an uprising with the goal of killing him, because they believe that one day he will break free from the government’s controls and turn against all of them. What are your thoughts? Any suggestions on a name for him or the group that wants to kill him?

  654. Kateon 03 Aug 2013 at 6:16 am

    Hey, I’d love it if someone could help me come up with an origin story for one of my characters. Her name is Dana DeFalco, and her power is making her drawings into actual, 3 dimensional objects. She can’t bring drawings that would be alive (such as plants, animals, and people) off of paper, only inanimate objects. She’s eighteen years old, and the story is set around 2050. She’s shy and reserved, and a bit antisocial, just generally very quiet. I’m having trouble coming up with an origin for her. Originally I wanted the story to be all science and no magic, but I realise that may not be possible. The other heroes in her team have science-based origins, but I can still make changes if need be. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how she could have gotten her powers? Thanks a lot!

  655. Jade D.on 01 Oct 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Dear Kate-
    Dana’s origin sound something along the lines of gaining the ability to tranfer matter across dementions ( transfering something from the second spacial demention to the thrid) and this concept mainly involes string theroy. Can you work with that? If she did have this power, all kinds of possabilities can open up. Watch this for ideas:
    (if this dosen’t work, just look up “10 dimentions the movie”)

    However, it’s best not to go into detail explaining string theroy, foucus more on HOW Dana got her powers. By the way, good job not having her powers dictate her personallity, I HATE that.

  656. Glamtronon 02 Oct 2013 at 12:07 am

    I dunno how to come up with an origin for someone with wings.. Could buy some help

  657. Thalamuson 02 Oct 2013 at 9:02 am

    Even with the idea of spatial dimensions, the very concept of drawings coming to life does not make me think “hard sci-fi”. It makes me think “fantasy” or “soft sci-fi” (e.g. Doctor Who did this once, but I wouldn’t say Doctor Who was the most scientifically minded program, beyond the premise). Basically, I would make sure that there are other concepts that seem similarly “soft” in the story, or she will come across as even more fantastical by comparison to other, more steeped-in-science, elements or characters.

  658. Wil Northon 15 Oct 2013 at 7:36 pm

    They could be the result of genetic mixing, strange genetic mutation, alien/ god parents, they could be from a different race, or they could have just made their own. Hope I helped.

  659. personon 19 Oct 2013 at 4:13 pm

    I was thinking of making a superhero that is similar to spider-man. Does anyone have any suggestions? I’m kind of running out of ideas since most of them were taken.

  660. B. McKenzieon 19 Oct 2013 at 7:17 pm

    “I was thinking of making a superhero that is similar to Spider-Man.” I’d recommend doing some serious work on distinguishing the character’s personality and preferably his goals/motivations. E.g. does the character get opportunities to make choices Spider-Man/Peter Parker wouldn’t make in the same situation?

  661. NatureWitchon 20 Oct 2013 at 9:14 am

    In japanese myths “when a spider turns 400 years old, it gains magical powers.” and the spider can turn to a beautiful woman. Jorōgumo as they are called seems to be mostly villainious, but if used correctly you could use it to a superhero, and with the difference of a magical 400 year old spider and a teenaged boy bitten by a mutant spider have, the character probably wouldn’t have the same personality as Peter Parker.

    But it’s just a suggestion 😀

  662. B. McKenzieon 20 Oct 2013 at 9:29 am

    Seconding NatureWitch, I do find that substantially different origins can solve problems from characters having powers which are similar. For example, Star Wars’ Jedi and Spider-Man both have the ability to supernaturally sense danger, but the powers come from such a different source that one wouldn’t feel like a copy of the other.

  663. Glamtronon 20 Oct 2013 at 2:06 pm

    @will north.. Thanks!… I was also thinking about making it a particular race.. I’d go with that.. Thanks…

  664. Will Northon 20 Oct 2013 at 2:22 pm

    no problem

  665. Nikkion 21 Oct 2013 at 6:52 pm

    I came up with a sort of sensual super woman with a less sensual background. Her superpowers are adrenaline rush. She calls it her motor, and when it’s running, she’s stronger than any man on steroids, she’s faster than anyone’s reflexes, and she heals at an incredible rate. But fear makes her ‘motor’ stutter. It’s like a car engine in that way. When she’s afraid or when she’s very upset it stutters and she doesn’t have a good handle on it in the beginning. When she’s older and she’s become her complete self, the only person she could become with her powers, she has perfect control but she’s a little… promiscuous. She ends up attracted to her enemy who is a lizard man. He’s sort of like killer croc, he’s got the same kind of disease, you know where you take on your predecessor’s traits, the ones who evolved before you? But he was forced to become that way by some scientist, I haven’t worked out why or who yet…

    My question is… Should I have him stay bad or become good to be with her? She’d never settle down with anybody and he’s really bad ass, and kind of brooding, but not to the point where you hate him and he’s emo. It’s just like. I’m a freak, I know it, and I hate it, but I’m going to live anyway. He’s sort of a mob enforcer and he loves the kill and holding people’s lives in his hands.

    Is this a good story? Is there anything I should change?

  666. Nikkion 21 Oct 2013 at 7:03 pm

    Oh and she kind of works in a strip club as her normal self and she goes after him then for sex, but busts him as a hero.

  667. B. McKenzieon 21 Oct 2013 at 11:04 pm

    Nikki, I’m really sorry, but I don’t think this story is a good fit for this website. Most of our readers are younger than 18. It might help to look for writing advice websites which skew more mature. Best of luck with your writing.

  668. Unknownon 03 Nov 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Can someone please give me feedback on these characters, and the plot outline?

    Conner is a member of the 4th generation of heroes. His ancestors, the 1st generation of heroes (Characters in another story I wrote), saved the galaxy from the ruthless Teazonian Empire, which is currently thought to be wiped out with its leaders, Karnk and Kyrell, dead. Long after they die, the 2nd and 3rd Generation of Heroes, left earth in response to a distress single, when Conner was six, and never returned, leaving the 4th generation of heroes on earth, without knowing what happened to their parents. 12 years later, Conner and his heroes live at the hidden Hero Base. The 4th generation of heroes include…

    ANDY: Originally a member of the 1st generation. He is dead, but can communicate with the living as a ghost, or through paranormal means.
    CONNER: Leader of the 4th generation of Heroes. He feels that he needs to live up to his great grandfather’s image, but can’t in a time of peace. Has a crush on Carrie( a friend from his school) He can switch his powers, having shape shifting one moment, the telekinesis the next. He needs 5 minutes to recover before he chooses his next power. He is nicknamed Toggle by Carrie when she discovers he is a superhero.
    TAVEN: Conner’s best friend. Wants to be the best at everything, and wants to be a good hero like his ancestor. He is afraid that he will hurt people if he uses his powers. He can transform into an ogre, but he can choose when.
    RONALD JR. (RJ): Care-free fighter. Never knows when to shut up, but is one of the best fighters there is. Enjoys teasing Taven about his relationship with Erica. His power is to create weapons using his thoughts.
    ERICA: Care-free fighter. RJ’s younger sister. Taven’s Girlfriend. Frequently uses her power to flirt with Taven. Can rise/lower the probability of something happening.
    LEO: Adrenalin loving combat instructor. Strong enough to knock out RJ by tapping him. Cracks jokes about his strength a lot, but only uses it when he needs to. Ashten’s boyfriend. Powers of Strength and invisibility.
    JORDAN: Geeky, awkward, hero scientist. Power of Night vision, and limited time stopping abilities. Needs 1 day to recover if he stops time.
    TYLER: Great Grandfather was president of the universal alliance. Is very popular at school, but doesn’t like the attention. Power of Levitation.
    JANE: Hero Inventor. Jordan’s girlfriend. She has an enhanced brain, and naturally has working knowledge of everything in the universe, but doesn’t like to let people see her as smart. She only acts smart around Jordan.
    REX: Hates his power, and doesn’t like anyone. Nobody likes to be around him, and he goes out of his way to cut down his fellow heroes. He can summon past selves to aid him in the present.
    CASEY: African American. Kind, always looks for the positive things in people. Has the power of line of sight teloportation
    MORGAN: Lazy. Uses her power of Mind control to make others do things for her. One of Hiten’s spies, tries to corrupt Taven, but fails.
    ASHTEN: An adrenalin loving combat instructor. Leo’s girlfriend. Power of Illusions.
    WILLIAM: Loud-mouth. Very clumsy. power of Sonic. Needs work, but i don’t plan on keeping him.
    JACKSON: Mutation. One of Hiten’s spies. Stuck up and rude.
    DALLAS: Resurrection. One of Hiten’s spies. Knows what he is doing is wrong, but doesn’t think he can do anything about it.

    When Earth is attacked by Hiten(see below) and his army, the heroes rescue several groups of people, and take them to their hidden base. While their, Morgan tries to turn Taven to her side, but is stopped Erica, and later, killed and RJ. Dallas, and Jackson panic when Conner learns that spies are among them, and the flee to their allies…

    HITEN: New Leader of Teazonian Empire.
    KI-TO: Bug-like alien. Known as the Swarm Queen by her subjects.
    MARCUS OSTRANDER: Insane Human that was trapped in an alternate dimension by the 1st generation of heroes. Has 2 powers, Immortality and Invincibility. Rescued by Demon.
    DEMON: Fusion of Jackson, Dallas, and Hiten. Has imminence, god-like power

    Hiten uses Dallas to revive Kyrell, Karnk, and trillions of other dead Teazonian warriors. Jackson betrays Hiten, and fuses himself, Dallas, and Hiten into one being, which dubs itself ‘Demon’. Once Demon is born, the heroes, who followed Dallas and Jackson, regroup at their hidden base, where Andy tells them that several beings (excluding Kyrell and his minions) are no longer in the afterlife. Fearing the worst, the heroes prepare for battle, but soon discover that their ancestors, thanks to a last second decision made by Dallas, have been brought back to life. Conner finds them as they were when they were stopped Ostrander some 150 years ago. These heroes are…

    TRAVIS: Leader of the 1st generation of heroes. Has power of transmorphing. Ancestor of Conner
    ZACHARY: 2nd in command to 1st Generation of heroes. Power of Air. Ancestor of Taven
    RONALD: Care-free warrior. Power of accuracy Ancestor of Erica and RJ.
    JASON: Strict, overprotective strategist. Power of Ice.
    SARAH: Seemingly innocent, but is truly perverted. Ron’s wife, Jason’s sister. Power of Ice
    SAM: Survival expert. Travis’s wife. Has power of speed.
    SCOTT: Unlucky combat instructor. In the 1st book, he had a tendency to loose limbs in combat, which led to his legs, and arms being replaced by cybernetic ones. Has power of agility, and reflexes. Ashten’s ancestor.
    DOUG: Kind, gentle African American. Has always been wise for his age. Can teloport long distances. Casey’s ancestor.
    BEN: Shy, quiet, and kind. Has low self-esteem. Can breath underwater. Jordan’s ancestor.
    STUART: Is easily startled, gets afraid easily. Has the power of disintegration. Rex’s ancestor.
    BRENDON: Not a hero, but was one of their allies. Has incredible, natural, strength. Leo’s ancestor.

    The 1st Generation heroes are eager to help, but (Due to Dallas doing this as he dies) only have a 72 hour time frame to help their decedents stop trillions of blood thirsty killers from ravaging the planet.

    Other characters are…

    CARRIE: Has a crush on Conner, but can’t find it in herself to tell him.
    GAVIN: Carrie’s dad. A member of the Galactic Defenders Corp.
    DAVID: Is one of the few people who knows Conner’s identity as a hero.

    Good Teazonians- all Teazonians are immortal, and almost all are scientists. These 3 worked with Travis and his team in the past.
    THOIDS: Leader of the Good Teazonians.
    TREERT: Permanently intangible good Teazonian
    BARLAM: Good Teazonian scientist.

    Sorry this was so long. Any help advise would be helpful. My main problems are with the 4th generation of heroes, Ki-To, Demon, and the 3 Human characters. The 1st Generation Heroes, Ostrander, Kyrell, Karnk, and the the Good Teazonians are set, but i’d still be interested in ways to improve on them.

  669. B. McKenzieon 05 Nov 2013 at 2:00 am

    Hello, Unknown.

    –I really like the idea of the characters’ parents disappearing in some sort of mysterious case gone horribly wrong. Strikes me as a lot more intriguing than the standard “robbers killed my parents” sort of thing.

    –I think it would be really helpful to delete and/or merge a slew of characters. I’d recommend reducing this list of protagonists from 16 characters to, umm, maybe a third of that. For example, does Andy fill some role besides explaining/narrating past events? If that is his main role, perhaps it might be more interesting to mainly move that information from something the protagonists are told into something the protagonists find out.

    –(As a rule of thumb, I think a superhero team of even 7 members raises tremendous challenges for character development and action scenes – personally, I’d have major concerns about a manuscript with 10+ protagonists unless the author had extraordinary skills. My preconception is that if a story needs that many protagonists to drive a plot, there are probably a lot of characters that aren’t pulling their weight).

    –There are at least 4 romances going on here, right? (Connor-Carrie, Erica-Taven, Ashten-Leo, and Jordan-Jane). Are they all necessary? Are they all interesting? Are they all relevant to plot arcs outside of romance?

    — Conner has a relationship with Carrie rather than one of the 16 protagonists you already have, right? Is this arc worth introducing a 17th character? If not, I’d recommend slashing protagonists to make room for additional characters like Carrie. It may also help to check out this comment on another story with a large cast
    –How many characters are there living up to their family’s histories/reputations? I’m seeing Conner, Rex, Taven, and (based on his name) probably Ronald Junior. Is this overlap necessary? (Some of these characters may be mergeable).

    Casey sounds sort of generically nice. Also, it sounds like he might not have enough to contribute to the story (unless his race is somehow relevant to the plot). Later on, Doug sounds like he has the same issues. I’d recommend making sure that everyone gets at least some opportunities to do memorable, potentially disagreeable actions.

    –May help to reduce the # of Hiten’s spies from 3 to 2. Might be possible to merge Morgan and Jackson.

    –I’m really liking Rex.

    –There are several adrenaline-loving combat instructors? Is this overlap necessary?

    –This is sort of a minor detail but when you’ve finished the first draft of the manuscript and are ready to rewrite, it might be helpful to give “Demon” a more distinctive name. (But I wouldn’t worry about it until then! It’s just a cosmetic detail, and utterly irrelevant until you’re ready to rewrite).

    –There are more protagonists? If you’re rolling with 27+ protagonists, it may be worth reevaluating cast members. I do like the idea of one generation of heroes meeting up with another, but with a setup like this, I’d recommend working with 2 small teams so that the alliance they form gives you a better opportunity to develop each character. (Also, writing fight scenes with 10+ protagonists is generally miserably difficult – an author that needs to cover that many characters will probably have to rotate between characters so quickly that no one gets an opportunity to be memorable. Character A punches B, C tries to kick D but gets zapped by E, etc).

  670. Unknown, Andy, and Brendonon 05 Nov 2013 at 10:21 am

    Hi again, (BTW, Andy and Brendon, 2 friends of mine, are helping me with my story. they also have a few questions to ask you)
    To answer your question about Andy, he contributes more to the story than explaining/narrating past events. He, despite being a ghost, provides aid to the younger with assistance. being a ghost, he can communicate with the dead and living, and help his allies by being able to possess technology.

    About the relationships, only two are significant. Conner, and Carrie, and Taven and Erica. Leo and Ashten is just there, and Jane and Jordan’s end when Jane dies midway through the book.

    If I cut or merge characters, who do you think I should do this to?

    I will cut Morgan, and change Demon’s name, but I think I might need help with that.

    My friend Brendon wants to know your opinion of Leo. He created the character, and would be great full if you gave him your opinion.

  671. Unknown, Andy, and Brendonon 05 Nov 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Also, I guess i listed the compleat list of characters. Characters like Gavin, David, Jane, Ashten and William are there, but not key to the story. Nor do i plan on keeping any of them. The main protagonists are Conner, RJ, Taven, Erica, Rex, and Leo from the fourth generation, and Travis, Zach, Doug, and Sam for the first. The other characters (mainly the first generation ones) are key to the story, but not as much as the others. Do we still have too many main protagonists?

  672. B. McKenzieon 05 Nov 2013 at 6:50 pm

    “If I cut or merge characters, who do you think I should do this to?” My goal would be have 3-5 notable heroes in the “present” generation and 2 (maybe 3) notable heroes in the previous generation.

    Some possibilities:
    –Conner and Taven strike me as potentially redundant. One thing about Taven which I think would work well with Conner would be the fear of hurting others — perhaps Connor can use virtually any power, but his powers are somewhat unreliable and he’s not that well-practiced with them (which would make sense given that he switches powers).

    –Ronald and Erica seem sort of redundant. It may be possible to merge or delete them.

    –Ashten and Leo seem heavily redundant. I’d recommend merging them.

    –Jane and Jordan may be redundant. Given the cast size, I would recommend erring on the side of cast reduction here.

    –Is there anything Tyler brings to the picture that any of the other characters dealing with the shadow of the past don’t? If not, he can be removed. If so, I’d recommend moving that to another character.

    –I think Casey and Doug can be removed. If you’d like to maintain some level of racial balance, you could pass along their racial characteristics to characters that will have a better opportunity to make interesting decisions.

    –It sounds like you’ve already decided to remove William. I think that’s sound.

    –Jackson and Morgan can probably be merged. Given how many villains there already are, maybe removed altogether. There will be so many characters and plot angles fighting for space that the infiltration angle may be dispensable (or passed entirely to

    –Are Hiten and Ki-To both necessary?

    –I’d recommend keeping any 2 of the heroes from the earlier generation, but I’d recommend a more unusual personality mix for whichever 2 you keep. Ideally something fresher than overbearing/strict adults vs. free-spirited younger characters.

    –Of the six remaining characters (Carrie, Gavin, David, Thoids, Treert, and Barlam), I’d recommend cutting 4-5. Alternately, if you keep a Teazonian scientist, maybe get rid of either (or both) of Jane and/or Jordan unless Jane and Jordan serve some major role besides being intelligent.

  673. "X"on 17 Nov 2013 at 11:15 am

    I have a hero and he is archer hero like green arrow and hawk eye how can I separate him from them how can I make him unique?

  674. NatureWitchon 18 Nov 2013 at 3:43 am

    Do the anime route and make the bow huge-ass? And he has to be superstrong to actually pull the string (Cause, the bigger they are, the more resistance they have).

    But in a more serious note, it would be hard to diffrenate your hero a big deal from Hawkeye and Green Arrow without atleast taking away the trick-arrows, and then you have to ask yourself why he just don’t use a gun instead. Do the hero have a reason for the bow I wonder actually. Green Arrow was stuck on a island and was forced to learn, and Hawkeye was a circusshow, so they took a weapon they was used with, and then made it more versitalle.

  675. NatureWitchon 18 Nov 2013 at 3:48 am

    Given that Green Arrow and Hawkeye is mostly mundane Superheroes maybe you could do a mystical origin story , now when I actually notice you posted the question on originstories..

  676. RandomGuyon 19 Nov 2013 at 6:23 am

    Im just wondering if this an okay plot, um i dont know if theres another section for this or not.Sorry if this post is misplaced.

  677. RandomGuyon 19 Nov 2013 at 6:24 am

    Baaaah! Sorry heres my plotline please tell me what you think if i can tweak it or if i should scrap it.

  678. RandomGuyon 19 Nov 2013 at 6:39 am

    Uuggh whatever heres the plotline: After what is called a “terrible accident” destroys his school. Marcus Forester finds that he’s the only survivor. Strange? He swears he remembers getting blown apart. To make matters worse the police begin to suspect him as the culprit. Labeling him a crazed and deranged teen. Even worse than that Marus is soon targeted by an ambitious organization intent on using him and his so called “divine abilites” to add to their already growing influence.

    As he struggles to come to terms with his new reality, it dawns on him, he can’t run forever. And just as all doors seemly close he’s contacted by an anonymous somebody. The person offers Marcus a deal, do them a simple favor, and all his problems will disappear….

  679. B. McKenzieon 19 Nov 2013 at 7:02 am

    Hello, RandomGuy. It sounds workable. I like that the relationship between the main protagonist and the (presumed) antagonist is more complex than 100% pure opposition. My main suggestion would be to give him chances to make memorable decisions/choices BEFORE the antagonist offers him a deal. That will help keep him more active…

  680. ILikeKiwison 28 Nov 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Ok…here’s the origin story for the protagonist of my story (WIP, would appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, and ideas)

    Samuel (codename: Brazen) lives in the rougher parts of the city, not the ghettos, but close. As he is a teenager he is pressured and tempted by his peers to join a gang. He succumbs to peer pressure and attempts to, but during the initiation where he and other wannabe gang members have to steal something of high value and offer it to the gang leader. In an attempt to go above and beyond they decide to rob a leader of a rival gang but they stumble into a deal of sorts and a shootout ensues ending with the majority of Samuel’s group dead. The few survivors do manage to steal a bag they assume is filled with money or guns or drugs but instead find a complex-looking medical device with a lot of needles. The survivors assume its a new drug and want to try a sample before handing it over to the boss so they hook themselves up one by one and pass out, only to be awoken up by one of their own having spontaneously combusted and burning their hideout down and in the process of their escape discover their superpowers. The survivors are split between handing it over to the gang and being automatically accepted or hooking themselves up to the machine till it runs out of juice, however Samuel points out that if the boss finds out that they “stole” some of the powers or if they knowingly gave him a device that could end up with him spontaneously exploding then they would be killed and if they hooked themselves up again they could all go up in flames so they decide to sell it on the black market. When they meet the buyers they are attacked and after a short, one-sided fight only Samuel and one other guy is alive and only because they held the power-machine hostage. The buyers reveal themselves as heroes and conscript Samuel in exchange for sparing his life. The other guy successfully escapes. Soon entire gangs are gunning for Samuel and his power-machine.

    Sorry for the wall of text there. But what do you all think?

  681. ILikeKiwison 28 Nov 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Slight change in story here, and I know some of you guys are like “omigod this guy again!” so I’ll keep this short.

    The other guy who survives and escapes the superheroes attack does so before the heroes conscript Samuel, he also goes back to the gang and successfully kills most of the leadership, installing himself as the new boss. He then assimilates smaller and younger gangs into his own and convinces larger gangs to join him in his hunt for Samuel’s power machine by promising their leaders superpowers.

    Better or should I stick with the original? Would appreciate your thoughts and comments 🙂

    Have a good night.

  682. Kevin Holsingeron 29 Nov 2013 at 7:42 am

    Good morning, ILikeKiwis.

    Both versions work for me. My one question concerns the chemical the device injects you with. How many characters in your story have a means of making more of the serum? Because if not, once the device runs dry, I’m not sure where the story goes.

    Enjoy your day.

  683. ILikeKiwison 29 Nov 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Thanks for the reply Kevin Holsinger, the story behind the medical-power device/ serum thing is pretty WIP and full of cliches but here goes.

    The power-device and serum (named Vanguard) was created by a shadowy government organization (named Harbinger) who managed to take down an alien scout team and cover up everything about it, the device and serum are reverse engineered from alien technology and physiology. Harbinger approaches CIA leadership and offers to make them the best intelligence community in the world by giving their field agents superhuman capabilities (but with the unspoken intention that they will leverage the CIA’s supply of powers to turn them into Harbingers foot soldiers to hunt down any other alien scouts and as guinea pigs till Harbinger perfects the machine and process). The CIA agrees and hooks up some of their top agents to Vanguards resulting in numerous deaths, but those that survive become game changers and such great assets that despite the deaths the CIA wants more. Harbinger acquiesces but becomes concerned after some time that the CIA agents are becoming lax and are drawing to much attention to themselves, not to mention the deaths in each batch of agents that go through Vanguards so they greatly limit the amount they give out and place stipulations on the candidates chosen. This forces the CIA to speed up their study of the Vanguard resulting in the creation of an unstable and second-rate device which they begin giving out to the rank-and-file. Harbinger finds out and breaks up with the CIA but not before eliminating all Vanguards the CIA have as well as all the agents powered by them. The CIA, after seeing Harbinger’s capability, does not retaliate but instead begins to look for guinea pigs for their own device and begins to offer small gangs with superpowers under the condition that they conquer and assimilate all other gangs in their area and eventually become a force that the CIA can use to actively attack international gangs/cartels with impunity and at no risk to themselves. Enter Samuel.

    Apologies for the word wall there. Again all thoughts, ideas, suggestions etc. are greatly appreciated.

    Hope this answers your question.

  684. ILikeKiwison 29 Nov 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Also the “heroes” that conscript Samuel are actually Harbinger foot soldiers. Just wanted to put that out there.

  685. Kevin Holsingeron 30 Nov 2013 at 3:56 am

    Morning again, ILikeKiwis.

    All sounds fine to me. I should note that, since you’ve got both the US government and Harbinger knowing about Vanguard, either you’re going to have to force your gangs and such to keep a low profile, or the government and Harbinger are gonna crack down on anyone who appears to have access to their “toys”. And I’d imagine that a battle between any amateur on the street (or even a gang of amateurs) and those two organizations isn’t going to go well for the former. Even with the powers being equal, you’re still dealing with professionally trained (at least for the government) and well-funded organizations. Fire-tossing gangmembers aren’t going to last very long against that.

    Enjoy your day.

  686. B. McKenzieon 30 Nov 2013 at 11:40 am

    “you’re still dealing with professionally trained (at least for the government) and well-funded organizations. Fire-tossing gangmembers aren’t going to last very long against that.” That’s a fair point… one possibility is that the CIA has some major limitations going on.

    1. The CIA’s charter doesn’t cover operations on U.S. soil and, if Congress found out that it was conducting unauthorized police missions on U.S. soil, people at the CIA would have a bad day. So I’m guessing at the very least, the CIA would have to make things especially covert even if that meant sending in fewer agents than the military or another government group would have. The CIA would probably want to resolve this matter very quietly and avoid anything as public as, say, a superpowered gang brawl.

    2. Given that we’re talking about the CIA rather than (say) the FBI or military, I’m guessing the CIA is not being upfront with elected officials about where these superpowers are coming from. If that’s the case, then there’s another potential layer of scandal/indictments the CIA needs to avoid. The CIA may ALSO need to prevent other law enforcement groups from asking too many questions about what’s going on with these superpowered gangsters, because that would likely lead back to Harbinger and potentially back to any CIA-Harbinger shenanigans.

    3. The CIA does have some paramilitary teams who actually have military experience, but generally the agency is not terribly experienced at actual combat. Its desire for information sometimes causes it to overly trust people that are actually a threat. E.g. the Khost bombing by a supposed CIA informant killed 7 CIA officers because none of them were suspicious enough to check him for explosives beforehand. A lack of combat experience may lead the CIA to security lapses with the gangs as well, like getting duped by someone that is loyal to the gang and just pretending to play along. (Also, the CIA has even less experience with gangs than it does with combat, and has a white-collar bias which may cause its employees to misunderstand how important family/clan affiliations are in the real world and/or get caught off-guard by savvy adjustments*).

    *For example, let’s say the operatives have a gang lieutenant under surveillance as he’s expecting a visit from his boss. The gang lieutenant gets a bad feeling and aborts the meeting. (Too many vans parked in an area for this time of day, too many strangers in the area that look like they’re not from around here, too many people loitering around the front of the building, someone is late to the meeting, an unexpected attendee arrives, too many cars with tinted windows, etc).

  687. ILikeKiwison 01 Dec 2013 at 11:51 am

    Ooohhh, I was not even aware of those thing BMcKenzie, thanks!

  688. ILikeKiwison 01 Dec 2013 at 12:17 pm

    I would also like some thoughts about the overarching Harbinger-alien story, so I’m going to expand on that a bit.

    The aliens sent out multiple scout teams to earth, it was currently unknown whether they were friend or foe so Harbinger (originally named Vanguard) was created and mobilized to make either “soft” or “hard” contact with the aliens. Only one of the alien teams was successfully tracked and followed and the multiple Vanguard/Harbinger ground teams congregated on the aliens location. It is still a secret even within Harbinger what happened at First Contact but official reports describe that all ground teams immeadiately made “hard” contact the moment they saw what the squad leaders reported as “Wrong Things.” The aliens were later deemed as scouts after the study and reverse engineering of their equipment and physiology came up with powers with application in surveillance, camouflage, defense, and utility with very few truly offensive powers. The main goal of Harbinger is currently to hunt down the remaining alien scout teams and to arm as many trustworthy assets with powers in case the aliens are foes and decide to send in actual soldiers.

    Thoughts and Ideas are welcome and appreciated 🙂

  689. The Kidon 01 Dec 2013 at 12:17 pm

    I have an idea but i’m scared that i’m taking from DC i have character he some similar to Dr. Fate but dnt use magic he more like an Mental type power but then he some what similar to Shazam/ Mr. Marvel you know how the kid turn into Shazam / Mr.Marvel. I really need some help

  690. Proxie#0on 01 Dec 2013 at 6:05 pm


    I think it’s interesting that Harbinger/Vanguard had the opportunity to make a peaceful contact, or at least begin a kind of surveillance. Yet instead, they decide to put themselves in a very bad position as they have likely made themselves enemies of the alien species.After all, continuously hunting down and killing their kind to further your own scientific research doesn’t exactly sound like the most diplomatic of solutions to their lack of…understanding. 😉

    I have a few questions myself.

    1.) Why the organizational name change?

    2.) Are the humans and aliens too far entrenched in warfare, albeit not entirely under that banner, that there could be a peaceful resolution?

    I’ll give a quick explanation. I am not sure about how exactly interspacial government disputes go, so I will draw parallels from those of Earth. On Earth, sending a military force into another countries borders without their permission/knowledge, or despite their denial, is violating their sovereignty. This has led to many international incidents, including ones between Pakistan and the US (US going into Pakistan for various reasons). This can also lead to wars if not properly handled, or if done to certain countries.

    Secondly, Harbinger/Vanguard, though not acting completely out of turn, still killed several of the alien creatures without proper reason. You could make it so that the someone acted solely on this breach of our countries border, but you could also find some other way to help explain this. In any case, the fact that an unknown sentient species has breached our borders, and are far more advanced, AND seem to be looking for something could give a fairly good reason for “taking them out.”

  691. Proxie#0on 01 Dec 2013 at 6:17 pm

    @The Kid

    You can have similar origins and abilities for characters, but the thing that most makes yours stand out from these other writers is that characters personality, and how he or she reacts to their backstory. If they grow and develop, or if they sulk around like they just saw their puppy get run over.* There is a caveat to this of course, and that is that if you have a character with similar abilities to another who is generally unique, AKA Spiderman, then you will need to do a bit more work to differentiate yours from theirs…which could, and probably should, include the origin.

    You said his origin was similar to Shazam’s, but abilities like Doctor Fate? Does that mean that he is/was a cripple, or a little boy, or just generally not looked up to, but does this to help himself and others?

    *Am I the only person completely surprised by the death of Brian on “Family Guy?” I was actually really confused at how they handled it as well. He was the family pet for over 10 years, but received little to no recognition in death, and the family seemingly got over him in the space of about 15 minutes or so. I think story time it was a day or two. Their reasoning for killing off one of the key characters was a bit off too…they could be quoted to having said something akin to, “We felt the show was getting a little stale, and we just had a feeling that while killing him off, this would open many more doors for us.” Especially weak considering there was never any foreshadowing, and that characters have survived much worse than getting a car run over them.

  692. ILikeKiwison 01 Dec 2013 at 7:34 pm


    1. The organization changed its name from Vanguard to Harbinger because at first they were supposed to be the first line of defense against what could possibly have been alien invaders, the change to Harbinger was brought on by all Harbinger personnel taking on powers after they were available making them “Harbingers” of a superior humanity also they are messengers to currently very specific members of the population that there are aliens and that they may have sparked an intergalactic incident. Oops.

    2. Harbinger and the aliens are not really warring against each other, I stated earlier that Harbinger managed to cover up anything about any aliens and a great majority of the in-story population don’t know if aliens even exist. This means that the other alien scout teams and their supervisor/ alien-equivalent may not even know that one of the scout teams are dead as they probably don’t want to keep in constant contact because the humans might discover them through their communications. The other alien scout teams might not even be aware of the existence of Harbinger because they’re spread out all over the world.

    Also what happened at First Contact with the aliens is a secret even within Harbinger, its only the “official reports” that said the ground teams immediately attacked and killed the aliens without any provocation.

  693. B. McKenzieon 01 Dec 2013 at 11:54 pm

    “I have an idea but i’m scared that i’m taking from DC i have character he some similar to Dr. Fate but dnt use magic he more like an Mental type power but then he some what similar to Shazam/ Mr. Marvel you know how the kid turn into Shazam / Mr.Marvel. I really need some help.” I’m not all that familiar with Dr. Fate or Captain Marvel*, and I don’t have a good idea of the overlaps between your character and Dr. Fate or between your character and Captain Marvel. If the overlap is mainly a matter of superpowers, I think that’s very surmountable by differentiating your character in terms of personality, voice, attributes, flaws, goals, obstacles, background, etc.

    *(We are talking about Captain Marvel, right? Shazam and Mr. Marvel are different characters).

  694. Minkon 02 Dec 2013 at 1:03 am

    Actually b . MacKenzie with dcs new 52 (which was actually just a huge restart button) captain marvel gose by shazam now. With shazam the wizard replaced by a guy called ‘wizard’ .

    Oh and hi I’m mink

  695. The Kidon 02 Dec 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Well since you said that scratch out Dr.Fate now think my character is more like Shazam but the Kid name Is Marcus Jenkins and he is 17 year old kid who go to school make long story short he finds an item but I don’t know what kind of item should it be for ex: wrist band, necklaces of and Ank , I hope you guys can see where i’m going with this but it help him turn the hero unlike Shazam the kid say ” SHAZAM!”

  696. The Kidon 02 Dec 2013 at 5:42 pm

    I already have my the super hero name

  697. B. McKenzieon 02 Dec 2013 at 9:55 pm

    Ah, Mink, thanks! I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t familiar with Captain Marvel. 🙂

  698. Minkon 03 Dec 2013 at 8:42 pm

    Hellis, well anways I was talking to my best friend earlier and she got me thinking of a story where the fate of the world depends on the main character dieing. Me, being me started over thinking it and I created a whole story about it, please input would be amazing.

    Here’s what I have so far-my main character named Jonathan cook, but evey one just calls him cook . He’s 15 and currently dieing of disease. When he’s in the hospital he comes up with a theory, that in your life you would only meet 1 out of every 3 people because of the rule of numbers. The other two were people you were never suppose to meet, at all period. With no ways to prove it however he goes to his grandfather, who is a meta humen who with aging has lost his touch. Some how useing the last of his powers, the grandfather jump starts cooks abilities. His powers are to grant wishes. To limit his powers he doesn’t know to to do it again. Cook wished to breck the rule of numbers.the next day he meets 4 strangers
    , otherwise known as the people he was never suppose to meet how dose he know it. Well they all have superpowers themselves.

    One is Jessie Ambrooke 14 years old girly-girl. Alfter her grandfather tries to kill himself , with her and her whole family in the car with him . The only survivors were her, her brother in-law robert, and ironically her grandfather. She was put in a coma for 4 mouths . Alfter waking up again she starts to notices her powers to bend water. Well not really bend in fact the warter is down right rejecting her. She lerns later that her left hand is actually made out of cellular Nanos bots that send off a shock that redirects water. She is left wondering how actually she got this ability, and what really happened in thouse 4 mouths.

    The next is Michael Ekel a Russian imagrent well a illegal one, he is currently searching for a wife so he can stay. Too bad his OCD isn’t helping him,it turns out that he gains the ability to heve see into the furture but only the sooner then latter furture, by a few mins. Anything else he has is pure OCD and himself striving tk be perfect.

    THe next I

  699. Minkon 03 Dec 2013 at 9:05 pm

    Hey sorry about that anyways I hope you dont think im an idiot that I typed too fast and misspelled hello.

    Ok so the next is a 17 year old tomboy named cathleen augestine just call her catty. At a young age give or take a couple of minutes she uncontrollably sent out a bit of her magic alchemy like powers and switched another baby for a soild block of marbel. Her powers are to anchor certain objects to this world the other to the other grounds. Im thinking about doing something with the oher baby she sent to the other grounds.

    the last is elk, he hasn’t been in contact with other people before. Raised by the welll……elks he has gained ghe strength of 2 men, he also has the habbit of talking in the 3rd person.

    Alfter meeting them he gets them to agree to help him become a a hero himself, in exchange for a wish, once he lerns how to use his powers of course.

    Too bad becomeing a hero is harder then he thinks since he had allready bent reality by meeting the people he was never supose to meet. This sends other heroes alfter cook and the newly formed team the ‘stangers’. Thinking he’s a villain, and the only way to fix his tear in reality is to kill him. But hey if there superheroes they won’t kill him, who he really should look out for are the government, super villains, merchs, and the forces of nature

    So what do you think

  700. Kevin Holsingeron 04 Dec 2013 at 7:11 am

    Good morning, Mr. McKenzie.

    I’m getting the “you’re posting too quickly” message again, despite being registered at this site. Is it just that I’m posting insanely long answers, like what I intended to post in response to Mink ?

  701. Anonymouson 04 Dec 2013 at 7:43 am

    “I’m getting the “you’re posting too quickly” message again, despite being registered…” Were you logged in? If so, the length shouldn’t matter.

  702. Kevin Holsingeron 04 Dec 2013 at 7:59 am

    Good morning, Anonymous.

    Logged in? Yep. This has been happening in dribs and drabs the past few times I’ve been posting here. But because I wanted to give a thorough response to Mink, I didn’t want to keep shortening what I was posting (usual way I get around this).

    Well, I’m off the Internet anyway for the next few hours. That’ll probably free me up to post what I intended when I get back.

    Enjoy your day.

  703. whovianandwritingon 04 Dec 2013 at 10:01 am

    very interesting and useful

  704. Kevin Holsingeron 04 Dec 2013 at 10:03 am

    Good afternoon, Mink.

    Minor mathematical nitpick: 1 in 3 people out of 7 billion means you’d meet at least 2 billion people in your life.

    “he other two were people you were never suppose to meet, at all period.” Matt Damon was in a movie called “The Adjustment Bureau” that you might like to rent, as it deals with a variation of this. Damon falls in love with a dancer that he’s destined NOT to be with, and they have to mess with the nature of fate just to have a romance.

    “Cook wished to breck the rule of numbers” I would suggest having a scene that shows why this, of all things, is what he’d like reality rewritten for. A cure for my disease would be the first thing I’d go for, were I in his position. But assuming that’s cured medically (not requiring reality-warping), I’d suggest giving Cook a VERY strong sense that he got screwed out of some great future because he couldn’t meet these people outside his destiny. This ties back to the earlier “Adjustment Bureau” reference.

    “Too bad his OCD isn’t helping him” The OCD has the potential to tie into his precognition in the sense that seeing the future gives a sense of order to the universe, which is important to people with OCD. The negative of this is that since Cook can change the future, he’s undermining Ekel’s need for order.

    “switched another baby for a soild block of marbel.” This is just useless trivia, but in Greek Mythology Cronus’ baby was switched for a rock to stop him from swallowing it.

    “he hasn’t been in contact with other people before” Are you implying he was raised by animals, or humanoid beings (possible from the alternate dimension Cathleen sends people to)? If it’s the former, he’s not going to be able to talk for a long time, let alone in the third person. I should also note that, between not being raised by normal people, plus his strength, plus the 3rd person thing, he sounds like Tarzan (“me Tarzan”). That can give you something to research.

    Enjoy your day.

  705. Minkon 04 Dec 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Hello Kevin, thanks a ton for your reply

    thanks for helping me with my number there, all make sure to change that.

    I do agree that he would have wished for his sickness to go away, so what I think im going to do is that once his grandfarher brings out his power, he wouldn’t have belived that a little sick boy had such a power, so insaid he said somewhat sarcastically to breck the rule of numbers or maybe I’ll change that to him saying ‘I want to be right’ or something or another. Once he realized that his wish has been granted, he had then lost his change for a cure, Unless he unlocked his powers once again, to do that he needs to go see his grandfather. Too bad the grandfather has gone missing or otherwise has been killed. The whole reason for his theroy on numbers is that he figures that the people he’s not meeting must be able to help him (hence him offering them a wish for their help). I might actually put in something about his grandfather, who is implied to be a super villain. His grandfather tells him that ‘that no ones happy when they are cheated out of life’ so him looking up to the old man thinks he had been cheated.

    With ekel I think your right about his OCD helping him have a senes of peace with he world but with cook scerwing him the system, puts him on edge. He will probably not have a good relationship with him as a result. His wish would you say is to fix this, for his own saintly and the world to be ‘perfect’. In a way he will probably be the most heroic.

    With the myth of Kronos eatting his baby, well catty and her story is kind of based on it. So whats wrong with it? See the twist is that insaid of switching the baby for his/her own good, she actually did the same thing but doomed the baby insaid. That’s how I see it anyways.

    With elk yeah good point, I might make him insaid a guy who had been found by humans after years in the forest alone. He sould slowly be adjusting to his regular life, so yeah ‘me, elk’

    Thanks for this you people are life savers

  706. Kevin Holsingeron 05 Dec 2013 at 4:06 am

    Morning again, Mink.

    Oh, I wasn’t implying anything was wrong with the Cronus reference. I just wasn’t sure whether you were aware of it. And since I was a walking encyclopedia of Greek mythology when I was a kid, I kinda have a hard time resisting the urge to make a reference.

    Enjoy your day.

  707. Bethon 01 Jan 2014 at 2:40 pm

    so, is a girl who gets a shot of supersoldier serum to her arm in an underground research lab by her brilliant scientist parents moments before they die (somehow she survives) too mainstream?

  708. B. McKenzieon 01 Jan 2014 at 3:52 pm

    “Is a girl who gets a shot of supersoldier serum to her arm in an underground research lab by her brilliant scientist parents moments before they die (somehow she survives) too mainstream?” I don’t know about “mainstream,” but I think it could be more original or at least unique to the characters. Does she at least get an unusual decision in her origin story rather than things just happening around her (e.g. her parents deciding to give her superpowers and getting themselves killed)? Generally, I think it’s helpful if the hero is active in the origin story.

  709. Rebeccaon 24 Jan 2014 at 3:11 pm

    @Beth. While I haven’t read a lot of Marvel comics, I’ve recently made my way through the first two seasons of the animated Ultimate Spiderman. Spoilers, but Luke Cage/Powerman’s origin story involves his parents being SHIELD agents who made a serum to create super soldiers. Scorpio attacked their plane while they and Luke were on it. To protect the serum and their son, Mrs Cage injected the serum into Luke and pushed him out of their crashing plane, and his new powers was the only thing that kept him alive. So, while not “mainstream”, yes, it has been done before. However, as B McKenzie says, you can put a unique spin on your story to make it your own.

  710. Benon 04 Feb 2014 at 8:14 pm

    One day there were ten friends sitting in class when a golden dragon busted into the side of the school. A man stepped off the dragon holding a white box. The ten teenagers stood up, and walked toward the man wearing a black hood. They asked him, “Why are you here, and what do you need.” He replied,” I am Sam from a virtual world that yall’s grandfathers formed an alliance called the Day Runners. I am here to deliver to you the same power that your grandfathers wielded so many years ago.” He opened the white box, and presented them with the ten radioactive gems. The teenager’s names are Ben, Chris, C.J., Earl, D.J., Greg, Bryor, Cairo, Travis, and Tanner. The colors of the gems are White, Red, Sky Blue, Green, Silver, Crimson, Black, Orange, and Navy. They decided to touch the stones, and when they did the stones drained their energy into their beholders. After they had finished they felt a charge running through them like a rush of adrenaline. Afterschool, they agreed to meet at the abandoned warehouse on the far side of the city. At 5:35 in the evening, they arrived at the warehouse; they opened the garage door, and parked their cars in the garage. They walked to the elevator at the other side of the garage. They pushed the Basement button, the door closed, Ben asked the guys,” Is this all some higher calling.” The elevator door opened, Sam was tinkering with some objects when the guys walked in. He turned around, and said,” Welcome, my friends to your new Headquarters.
    They were at their HQ for several hours. When they got ready to leave, they asked Sam,” If they could use the extra technology to customize their cellphones, and their cars. After they had customized their things, they went on home. The next day was the school’s state championships. After they had won them they celebrated at Ben & Chris’s house. After the party, they said,” Goodnight” to Ben & Chris, and then went home. At school the next day the leaders of the football team, were walking down the hallway when E.J. asked the guys, “Where do y’all go afterschool every day.” They replied, “Meet us at the abandoned warehouse at 5:35 p.m.” After school ended, the guys including E.J. went to the abandoned warehouse. After they had reached the basement, they customized E.J.’s cellphone, and his car. They then let him pick his color. E.J. chose Gray, and he let the power drain into him. So he joined the gang, after two hours, they formed an alliance called the Ascenders. After two years since forming the alliance, their HQ had been totally refurnished, repainted, and even got a logo for the side of the building. It was the last day of the school for the Ascenders when a major prison breakout had occurred right about lunchtime. Our heroes were on their last day of senior year, when the breakout had occurred. So at the end of the day, they drove to the HQ, were they replied their secret identities as the Ascenders.
    So Ben chose the name of Ultimatum , Chris chose the name of White Fang , C.J. chose the name of Dark Matter , Earl chose the name of Night Stalker , E.J. chose the name of Time Frame , Tanner chose the name of Awesome TM , D.J. chose the name of Beastmode123100 , Travis chose the name of Unison , Bryor chose the name of B-Superman , Greg chose the name of the Righteous One , Cairo chose the name of Strategic. After they were done, they created their uniforms, which took twenty minutes. After they were done, they had to repaint their rides to match their clothing. A few days later, they were at school training for when they would decide to fight crime as a team. While they were there, a new transfer student by the name of Sam decided, he wanted to know what they were doing here for summer vacation. The guys decided to show Sam where their HQ was. When they arrived at HQ, Sam decided to join the team, the guys accepted him with ease. Then they let him customize his car, and outfit. He chose the name of The One-True Assassin. After a couple of days, they decided to fight as a team. When the summer ended, they had completed their combat training. On September 14, Ben and Sam were driving home from work at Wal-Mart. They were on the intersection leading to the HQ. They arrived at the HQ when they noticed three guys in orange jumpsuits trying to sneak in the back door of HQ. Sam and Ben blue toothed the others to warn them of the danger.
    As soon as the guys got the Bluetooth, they opened the big window in the lobby to let the criminals in. When the criminals climbed through the window and the guys knocked them out. When the criminals come to, they were back in federal prison. So the guys drove back to HQ. When they got back, the virtual Sam was there waiting for them. When they arrived, Sam said, “Hey guys, but I’m sorry to tell y’all have a crisis on y’alls hands, apparently the criminals are forming an alliance called the Night Runners. They each have a power to match each of yours.” The guys said,” Alright well we’ll have to train four times a week then.” So Sam left them, after the guys had discussed it, they had all decided to all go to bed. Well that faithful night, Ben had the weirdest dream, it was about a bear, and him getting into a fight, him getting knocked off the cliff, he luckily was saved by a girl. He was grateful that she came along. The next thing you know, Ben woke up from his dream. He woke to find himself in the lobby, and him to find Chris cooking breakfast. Chris was cooking some sausage and gravy, biscuits, French toast, and jelly toast. The guys ate breakfast, went to work out in the personal gym, and then to play some basketball. After that they then went to cruise on the highway. After 2 hours, they pulled into the underground garage at the HQ. When they got to the lobby, they decided to go to sleep.
    To be continued……………..
    When we last seen our heroes, they were at HQ. When our heroes woke up from their three- day sleep, the E-phone rang; it was the mayor saying, “That there wasn’t any crime today.” So the guys said,” Thank you Sir.” So the guys went to their family reunions, to spend some time with their families. After they had spent some time with their families, the mayor called the guys saying, “Yall’s archenemies are causing mischief in three major cities. They are Cairo, Egypt, Washington, D.C., and Los Angeles, California. The guys blue toothed their cars and their Bluetooth’s together. Their cars were on their way by voice command linked by via Bluetooth. The guys jumped in their cars, and split up into pairs to fight off their archenemies. Sam and Ben partnered up to take down Black Eagle , Chris and C.J. partnered up to take down Crimson Knight , E.J. and Tanner partnered up to take down White Wolf , Cairo and Travis partnered up to take down Green Python. Bryor and D.J. partnered up to take down Blue Lion, and Greg and Earl partnered up to take down Red Falcon. After they had fought off the enemies they went back to HQ to rest up. When they woke up the next morning they decided to eat out for breakfast so they drove to closest Golden Corral to the HQ. When they got there they ate the breakfast buffet and then went to the coolest clothes stores to buy some of the newest clothes. When they got done with that, they went to go spend some time with the family. After a few days, they roll back to the HQ and put their new stuff in their massively oversized closets. When they were done with that, the E-phone rang it was the mayor saying that there was another prison breakout? Their friends that broke out when they first started as a group has just broken out again and our wreaking havoc everywhere. Our heroes said, “We’ll handle it thanks sir”. They parted their ways when the guys went to find their friends the prisoners that escaped. They finally found them wreaking havoc on Main Street. They let the prisoners have all the power they had in their bodies which included their powers they got from the gems they absorbed earlier in time. After they got done fighting the prisoners they had a huge memorial service for the innocent civilians who died in all the havoc the prisoners caused. After all the commotion had calmed down our heroes gave a speech at the memorial service. After the memorial service they drove a quiet ride back to the HQ. When they got back to the HQ, they all went to lie down. When they woke up, they decided to skip breakfast and just went to their routines for the morning.
    After they were done they decided to go to the community gym, when they arrived their old-time friend Mackenzie who was there working out for football tryouts .Then the guy’s cell phones rang, it was the mayor saying that there was a major robbery in progress in New York City. Mackenzie overheard their conversation with the mayor, and asked “Ben are ya’ll at all the time “Ben replied, “Meet us at the old abandoned warehouse at 5:35 p.m.” So then they were off to the location of the robbery. When they got there, they parked their cars about a mile away from the oncoming vehicle. They transformed into the Ascenders. Ben & Sam took to the skies, while the others were grounded.
    Ben & Sam blasted the truck from the skies while the others stopped it on the ground.

    My story is called the Ascenders. Tips and Comments are needed.. Thank you!

  711. Benon 04 Feb 2014 at 8:15 pm

    I feel as though this is crap but it was the first thing off the top of my head.

  712. Malkatraz77on 04 Mar 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Great article and very helpful. I have been trying to write and draw a comic book for a good few years. Now I thought I had a good a idea and story involving superheroes and such like.
    The general concept was a fictional cities main ‘Superheroes team’ were all killed by an Android servant of a powerful villain, the Android has been planning to free his master from a prison that he was exiled in 20 years before the actual start of the story.
    Now with the cities team killed this would leave the reserve members (A team of five) to take charge and follow in their footsteps. and try and stop the android from freeing the all powerful villain.

    I explained my idea to a friend of mine who said that I need to explain how they all got there powers, along with the why and what for.

    He said I should have a solid backstory that would be fool proof. and go in depth on how the villain (an alien) wanted to take over.

    initially my backstory was that I had two Aliens was from peaceful race of explores (humanoid in appearance but a 1% difference as they have evolved giving them superhuman like abilities). the two brothers one good and one bad, He was banished by his race while for giving another race the means to created WMDs he felt his race had gone soft. His brother had captured him and was escorting him through our solar system when the ship is hit by an comet, the radiation spreads over the planet altering our DNA which will cause meta human power in years to come after the comet passes the earth again.

    So The two Aliens (humanoid in appearance but a 1% difference as they have evolved) crashed in area 51. but escape with help from one of the staff at the military base.
    the good alien falls in love with the woman (through his tech his slows her aging process, so they can live together, who helped him escape. The bad one plots to take over the world with an army of altered humans and his android

    After some years later they face each other in a final battle in the fictional city. with help from some costumed heroes the villains forces are defeated and he is imprisoned. the good alien dies mortally wondered not before passing on his powers to the unborn child of his former lover (this is the plot for the first story arc regarding the unborn child).
    the team splits up, one of the members goes on the sets up his the team that will be killed by the villains servant android.

    The actually story is about the reserve team finding out who killed the cities top superhero team, while facing challenges of filling their show and have every super powered villain come out of the woodwork to make their life hell oh and work as a team.
    I have planned out 5 volumes or Saga, with the scope for other characters to come in and out of it and develop them as a team.

    My friend is quite analytical and say I that it still needs work when I do add something new, he keeps through spanners and curve balls to the idea. He says i should think about other idea like since the planet was hit by a radiation wave cancer has increased, that I should mention that humans think that we are not alone in the universe or who trains the people with new abilities how does the governments monitor them etc.

    I thought of idea about government sponsored or business back team, and a overall superhero police force to monitor the world wide threats and the one team per city rule and registration act.
    but when I do give a little background info it kind of gets crushed and says it wont work because of X,Y,Z or he gives his own take on it, and it becomes less like my idea each time, I am grateful for the advice.

    One idea I had was two member (x and B) of the reserve team where lovers, until the woman (B) called it of but she was pregnant with the child. she loses it in combat, she did not want the guy to know as she thought he didn’t want it.

    she lost it battle against a teammate who when rogue (after the evil android had twisted some facts around his fathers death as part of is plan to bring down the main team)
    her lover found out about this and seeks vengeance and find him at the mayor induction speak, who was about to reveal to the city the newest member of the main team. The Rogue team mate attack the induction and cripples the mayors son, as X arrives he and the Rogue do battle the Rogue beat him and says he didn’t know she was pregnant.
    my friend didn’t like this idea as he said why would the woman lie about being pregnant in a high risk job and the Rogue should feel remorse for doing this.
    So I scrapped this pregnant idea and just had her injured putting on the reserves and X would be put on the reserve list for being reckless as going after the Rogue.

    I am look for some other advice on this. please can anyone help
    and give me some additional pointers.

  713. B. McKenzieon 05 Mar 2014 at 8:31 am

    “I explained my idea to a friend of mine who said that I need to explain how they all got their powers, along with the why and what for. He said I should have a solid backstory that would be foolproof.” You could cover their origins if you wanted to, but if you wanted to gloss over the origins, you could cover an individual origin in 0-2 sentences. For example, in The Taxman Must Die, there’s a scene that covers 3 origin stories in about a paragraph. Personally, I wouldn’t recommend covering individual origins at length in a team story unless those individual origins somehow contribute substantially to developing other characters as well (e.g. Magneto’s backstory with the Holocaust develops a distrust of humans that leads to conflict with Xavier).

    “He says I should think about other ideas, like cancer increasing since the planet has been hit by a radiation wave.” That’s a possibility, but personally I think you’ll probably need that space for developing the protagonists and antagonists. Also, while radiation causing cancer fit into the darker mood of (say) Watchmen, I suspect it probably wouldn’t fit the mood you have in mind.

    “I thought of ideas about government sponsored or business backed teams, and an overall superhero police force to monitor the worldwide threats and the one team per city rule and registration act.” My thinking here is that (at least from the plot you described above with one team being killed and the reservists needing to step up and save the day) it would probably be more dramatic if there were not an overall superhero police force. If there’s an outside group of superheroes the reservists can fall back on for help, the stakes will be lower for the reserve team.

    I would strongly recommend against anyone enforcing a one team per city rule. That strikes me as a convoluted and artificial way to increase the drama by ensuring that superheroes don’t have backup. I think a more natural approach would be that these 10 superheroes just happened to be the only 10 people in the city that developed superpowers (besides the villains and perhaps a handful of people that developed superpowers but have absolutely no interest or inclination to become superheroes), or that other people in the city have developed superpowers but have left to be superheroes somewhere else.

  714. Malkatraz77on 05 Mar 2014 at 12:41 pm

    #B. McKenzie

    First of all thank you for reply to my question. Really appreciate it.

    first 1: Yes I did want to go grim like Watchmen at all, I am intension was to write something more like the X-Men or Avengers and similar teams to that.
    I want it more like the older X-Men stories I read growing up.

    Yeah I want develop the protagonists and antagonists and not worry too much about writing about

    I see what you mean about being a bit forced drama, however I have come up with other teams and individual with powers that I could bring them in.

    I guess I can bring in other heroes and villains as he story progresses and the world as become more established and developed.

    my worry is I will get lost with all these characters that I have to use, but if I stick the overall plan and plot it should be ok.

    again thanks for your advice

  715. B. McKenzieon 05 Mar 2014 at 11:09 pm

    “My worry is I will get lost with all these characters that I have to use, but if I stick the overall plan and plot it should be ok.” If you feel like the cast is overwhelmingly large, you could reduce the main team of heroes to 4 members and the team that gets killed to 3-4. In general, there’s usually at least one member on a five man team that could be removed pretty easily or merged into another character. If you’d like to introduce additional teams, I think reducing the team sizes would probably help buy time/space for character development.

  716. Malkatraz77on 10 Mar 2014 at 12:25 pm


    Thanks again for your advise, I will be amending my team lists, reducing the cast.

    Yes I had thought about keeping it to 4 main characters with a couple of support characters.

  717. Jedon 16 Apr 2014 at 6:33 pm

    I’ve been fumbling around with this concept in my mind for a while. The idea is a superhero universe with a mythological spin on it. Most of the heroes have some tie to mythology or history. This is my idea for the origin of the main character(I don’t have a name for him yet).

    The origin starts when he is a little kid. He sees all of the suffering in the world and prays that he wants the power to be able to help people. Skip to when he is a teenager he is randomly approached by the archangel Gabriel who tells him he has been chosen to defend the earth from Satan and his new army. The teenager is surprised and thinks he is not worthy of such a title. He is given a special item from each of the archangels and is given angelic powers.

    Now, this concept might not sound too creative, but the hero’s physical flaws are tied to his flaws as a character. His main weakness is sin. A small minor sin will weaken his powers for maybe a few seconds but if he commits a major (or mortal) sin, he will lose his powers. He can still gain his powers back, but he has to go through a certain process.

    I hope you can help me with this, constructive criticism is highly appreciated.

  718. Hurricaneon 05 Jun 2014 at 6:18 pm

    my character was in a ship crash in The Triangle which had a toxic waste dump and she got hydrokinesis ( water control ) but the since there is still radiation ( and this is just a possible idea ) at least two other people ( main villains ) were affected and i have an idea that somehow involves a creature that somewhat resembles the Krakken

  719. Nocturneon 13 Jun 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Hello guys. I am having a problem with creating a general explanation for the cause of superpowers. At first I wanted only for there to be simple powers like enhanced strength, intelligence ETC. now I feel like that will not be enough. I am aiming for a more serious superhero story that deals with not only real issues like discrimination and freedom from the government but more grey characters that have good and bad. There is not a comparison I can recall right away but I aspire for it to be akin to Game of Thrones in that the characters are not all good or bad and no one is safe. I want the super powers and the origins of said powers to reflect that. So now I think I want to give other superpowers also like flying and speed and others. The only problem is coming up with a general origin that can explain that. The main cause of superpowers was from a government funded division that kidnapped children to indoctrinate and experiment on in the attempt to turn into soldiers that will help them win the war. They used alien disease that while easily transmittable it only reacts and changes people with a certain genetic makeup transforming them and giving them enhanced abilities of some sort. Alright So I hope I was clear in my explanation. Any comments Suggestions? I would be delighted to hear.

  720. Nocturneon 13 Jun 2014 at 6:05 pm

    I would also like to add that since many if not all the superhuman originated from being experimented on most of them have some sociopathic and psychological problems.

    The other idea I had is modified from my original in that the world has always had mutants because of the alien disease but their abilities are usually trivial. The government then kidnapped the best of them and experimented on them. Which I already said in my previous comment. The one thing I have a problem with is how I can get this to somehow reach the whole world and affect everyone. As I said before I appreciate and questions, comments or suggestions. Thanks.

  721. B. McKenzieon 13 Jun 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Hello, Nocturne. To create a serious, morally gray universe, it may help to explore alternatives to a government-tied project kidnapping kids and brainwashing them rather than using actual soldiers. One possible alternative would be that the division starts with a risky but not particularly evil plan, but the project gets rushed and there’s a massive scientific accident. At that point, the division might be willing to ramp up illegal activity somewhat to cover up anything controversial it’s been involved in up to that point. I think this is somewhat more realistic than having the division immediately plunge into evil from day 1.

    PS: I’d recommend checking out Wild Cards (which incidentally was edited by George R. R. Martin, the author of Game of Thrones).

  722. Anonymouson 14 Jun 2014 at 8:29 pm

    I want to clarify that the characters are no longer kids. This occurred years back by the government in a desperate attempt to help them win a war. Originally they used volunteers and soldiers but they found that the younger they were the easier it was for them to adapt to the changes they experienced both mentally and physically. And now the world is beginning to be aware of the increasing amounts of meta-humans, and many of them have found ways to restrict and oppress them. They have even conjured up a response team that monitors and deal with meta-human threats and the team is made up of many of the same people who were kidnapped at a younger age. Which is a conflict in itself as they are trying to find their loyalties.

    Anyway I agree with what you said and I am going to review all my stuff and check out Wild Cards. I have been meaning to read anything he has a part in. He is definitely becoming one of my favorite authors. Thanks and I hope I cleared up any confusion I made with what I was aiming for.

  723. B. McKenzieon 15 Jun 2014 at 10:02 am

    “I want to clarify that the characters are no longer kids. This occurred years back by the government in a desperate attempt to help them win a war. Originally they used volunteers and soldiers but they found that the younger they were the easier it was for them to adapt to the changes they experienced both mentally and physically.”

    Hmm… If you’re going for morally gray, I’d still suggest considering softening the edges on this. For example, if the military’s position was truly desperate, maybe kids (especially war orphans) were willing to volunteer. I think that using volunteers would be substantially less nefarious than kidnapping-and-brainwashing unwilling kids.

  724. Anonymouson 23 Jun 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Ok I see what you’re saying. I am just trying to make sure that this facility (I have not named yet but im trying to figure out some over dramatic acronym or a simple name for it) is part of the reason that anyone who comes from it has some psychological problems. How about this: As the war rages on many orphans through offers or volunteers. The ones who accept are being trained and tested and its going fine for now but then a new director steps in. This Director of (name of research facility N/A) is brutal and brilliant. She forces the volunteers to their limits and beyond in order to make them the best soldiers possible. The problem is that her methods causes a lot of psychological trauma. The results are great and have lead to much success. After the war was over she is arrested and put in a prison. She still believes in what she did. While others regrets or opposed it from the beginning. How does that sound?

  725. Nocturneon 29 Jun 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Ok so how about this. A meteor heading for earth has split into several pieces and landed in the U.S. In those areas they have heard of bizarre events unfolding in the area, like a man who was on fire but not burning and has burned down his whole house and family in it, and for another example a person can’t keep his original form and keeps changing. After all the evidence is picked up the scientist discover it is an alien disease that was on the meteor and while it is easily transmittable it has a profound effect on only those with a special gene.

    As time passes they research it and try to modify it but get no where as all the people who were afflicted died either because they couldn’t adapt or because of the experiments. The notice the younger the person is the longer they live from it. So Alex Shaws, the director of this whole facility begins offering troubled, desperate teens and orphans a solution to their problems if they are willing to leave their lives behind. Those who accept are erased from existence. Some teens leave willingly while others are forced to go by their desperate families while those who have no families have nothing left to lose.

    Things are going smoothly for a while as the research continues the scientist planned to have a more controlled version of the virus but the only thing they managed to do was make the virus more unpredictable, now scrambling the genes even further for some people or making their powers more potent or even extremely weak. The threat of war is now looming over and the government has now pressed for more results, forcing the Director and his team to cut corners he wouldn’t normally do.

    Shaws resigns and in his place steps Maude Grey, brutal, brilliant, and manipulative. She decides to not only try to manipulate the virus but the kids who she plans to force into weapons themselves. She begins forcing the kids to their limits and way beyond. She even conducts what she calls ‘Games’ to determine who the strongest is, forcing them to kill each other to survive. When war comes they are ready and able. After it is won those who survived are returned to the facility to decide what to do with them. Maude Grey is arrested and put in prison, still believe she has done what is necessary.

    And that is what I have so far. I think there is still a lot of kinks in it but I like it so far. What do you think?

  726. Nocturneon 29 Jun 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Oh I forgot to mention that the subjects accidently spread the virus while out in war. Though it still only affects those with a special gene.

  727. P.K.F.on 29 Jun 2014 at 1:49 pm

    Nocture. I think the beginning but what about some more details on the war. Who vs Who, how does it start, etc. And why does Shaw resign and why is Maude Grey chosen in his place? Who is/are your main character(s)? But I like it.

  728. P.K.F.on 29 Jun 2014 at 2:19 pm

    SO I just started writing a story myself and I’m looking for some feedback.

    The story follows two brothers, Connor, 18, and Steven, 22. Connor is headstrong, quick to anger, cocky, suave, unresponsible, and emotional. Steven is smart, cool-headed, calm, calculating, responsible, organized, and rigid in his morals. They escaped from a top-secret facility run by their own mother and father(now deceased) five years ago. The facility experimented on the few with a chromosomal mutation that allows them to use 15% of their brain instead of the common 10%. These experiments have given them powers. Sick of being used by their own mother, They escaped together and have been on the run ever since. Connor is a pyrokinetic and can phase himself through objects. Steven is a telekinetic and can fly. Together they keep each other safe from teams of others like themselves. The story begins with them being found in hiding again and trying to escape. During their escape attempt, Connor’s new girlfriend (he usually makes one in every place they run to) dies. This incites anger in both Connor and Steven, who is upset that their mother is now okay with harming innocents. They decided to go after their mother and this is where the fun stuff happens 🙂 (haven’t planned that out yet.)

    Here’s the first chapter (in the works):
    Connor kissed the forehead of the naked girl that lay on top of him as his phone buzzed on the floor of the backseat of his car.
    “Gotta s-see who this is,” Connor slurred, patting the floor in a drunken attempt to pick-up his phone.
    “Let it go,” the girl mumbled as she planted little kisses on his chest.
    Connor finally located his phone and tapped in his passcode.
    “Mom’s located us again. Time to disappear,” the text said.
    “Leave it to Steven to ruin a good time,” Connor sighed. He slid out from under the girl and hurried to slide his jeans on.
    “What’s wrong? You dressing faster than you undress,” the girl said as she too sat up, reaching for her own clothes.
    “I have to leave.”
    “Yes Tyra, I’m leaving,” Connor said as he struggled to simultaneously open the car door and put on his sneakers.
    “What do you mean by leaving?” Tyra questioned, holding Connor’s phone in her hand. “Why are you running from your mother?”
    “Stop asking so many questions,” Connor snapped as he held out his hand for his phone. “Give me my phone.”
    Just then, the phone buzzed again.
    “Steven says to meet him at Smithy’s bridge in five minutes. Why are you meeting your brother at an abandoned bridge?” Tyra asked as she stepped into her car.
    “I need to go Tyra. Give me my phone.” Connor voice shook with anger as he gripped the side of the car.
    “I’ll drive you there. It’ll take two minutes.” Tyra said as she started the car.
    Connor took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.
    “Are you getting in or not?”
    Connor hopped in the car and Tyra handed him his phone.
    “Tell me everything,” she said as she stepped on the gas pedal. “Don’t leave anything out.”

    Feedback Please

  729. Nocturneon 30 Jun 2014 at 9:52 am

    Well I have not decided yet who but I want the country or countries U.S faces to be something more superior than them. Which is why they will be desperate for a means to help them win the war, the superhuman experiment being that solution. Maybe China I don’t know. I thought I said the reason why but Shaw resigns because of the pressure the government puts on him to cut corners to get results. He wanted to be as humane as possible with the research.

    Maude Grey on the other hand is someone willing to do whatever it takes to achieve a goal which is why they put her in place. The problem is that she can take things way to far out of proportion as she is a bit sadistic, manipulative and power hungry. She will play a big part in the story because the main story which takes place several years after when Meta-Humans are becoming an increasing problem. Basically the government has a Meta-Human Response Force or some better name. Anyway they try to find any of the original Meta-Humans that was experimented on by that facility to help them deal with the increasing threat. One of their own has formed a terrorist organization who wants to reform the country so that Meta-Humans are at the top. Maude Grey is also released from prison as she is a valuable asset in dealing with Meta-Humans. But this causes major problems because she still is manipulative and has left them with scars years back thus they hate her.

  730. Nocturneon 30 Jun 2014 at 9:53 am

    And P.K.F your story is interesting but why is the parents doing this? What is their goal for this? But good job.

  731. P.K.F.on 30 Jun 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Is your story set in the present or future? That’ll help clear some things up. Great job fleshing out Maude Grey, she now seems more alive and 3-D. The terrorist group seems like a nice twist too. Good job!

    The parents are/were government scientists working on a project called Gene5 which takes people with a gene mutation and tries to unlock another 5% of their brain. These extraordinary humans will then be turned into weapons for the government. B/c they are so committed, their first trials are on their own children, Steven and Connor. When these prove to be successful, they continue, however, only with a 5% success rate.

  732. Nocturneon 03 Jul 2014 at 11:19 am

    My story is set somewhere in the near future, I’d say around 2017 or something maybe a bit further. The setting takes place in a fictional city I am still working on. I want to build the world of this story with a lot of lore. But I think I will change some of the other story around.

    Since the story takes place several years after the war and Maude’s imprisonment, mutants have been popping up all over the world. Many people distrust them and fear them, and many question why they suddenly begin appearing all over the world. The mutants are often discriminated against and face many prejudices. This has spawned a groups fighting for or against mutant rights. Laws are being voted on that restrict mutant rights also. Things have even escalated several times, leading to the creation of a division that deals with Mutant related problems or crimes.

    The division has another mission by the government, which is to find and erase all evidence pointing to the events at the facility and the people who took part in it. They even recruit the protagonist, Ethan, a former kid from Maude’s soldiers, to do it with the promise of his life and enough money to last him a lifetime.

    Ethan also has to deal with Maude being released from prison to help Ethan find them. Maude has her own plans as well as several other major figures in the story, many of them have a profound affect on the world. But I still have to iron out who and what and how for this part. Anyway that’s what I think I will do.

  733. Thoidson 05 Jul 2014 at 8:35 am

    If anyone gets the chance, i’d like some feedback on this plot idea, and characters.

    Earth is in a time of peace, but not for long. A group of ancient protectors, survivors of a long ago war, notice that the decendents of their comrads are vanishing at a startling rate. Acting quickly, they save 5 of them, and quickly discover the entire planet has been turned against them. It is now up to them to stop their enemy from enslaving other planets, and save the allies they still have.
    Heroes: Decendents of the same beings that brought peace to the universe, the heroes are now split in two. Most of them, like much of Earth’s population, are corrupted, and brainwashed, serving Calix, an alien warlord. The few that remain free from his control must fight to save their planet, and race, dispite being hastily gathered, and not knowing anything about eachother.

    Andy: A long dead hero who uses his power to possess technology to live on, even 300+ years after death. He has an artifical robotic body, which he uses for combat, and contact with others.
    Conner: Head strong, and reckless, yet caring for his friends, Conner is shocked when he discovers the turn of events, and tries his best to fix the world, although he usualy charges into battle, not bothering to think for his own safety. He has a toggle ability, meaning he can change his powers, but it has a long recovery time.
    Leo: Leo sees himself as a perfect man, who can do no wrong. He is stuck up, overconfident, and full of himself. He tends to get on his team’s nerves alot, but he is an outstanding fighter. He can fire energy blasts, and form energy weapons. He often uses energy whips in combat. He is also physicaly stronger than all of his team mates, but his arrogence, and overconfidence in himself often causes him to be beaten in combat.
    Erica: Normaly shy, and quiet, yet easily angered, Erica tries to be the voice of reason on the team, but Leo is sometimes just too irritating for her to handle. She forms a close bond with Conner, and often tries to back him up in fights. However, she isn’t afraid to call him out when he makes a mistake. Her power is to control her hair as an extension of her body.
    Casey: Added to the team after the team’s first struggle with the enemy, Casey helps the heroes realize that they can save their enslaved population. Casey can transform himself into anyones’ prefered weapon. As a villian, he is the weapon of his twin brother, Evan, and as a hero, he forms a close friendship with Andy, allowing him to use him as a weapon, but he still refuses to fight his corrupted brother.
    Jorden: Can control blood, only if it is outside an enemy’s body. He is one of the 5 that are found, but he is quickly disposed of by the enemy.
    Ashten: Can transform onto an oger. She is one of the 5 that are found, but he is quickly disposed of by the enemy.
    Treert: An imortal alien locked in an intangible form, Treert is the oldest living being, and serves as both a guid, and leader for the inexperienced heroes. He, Andy, and Solb are the three ancient protectors.
    Solb: Treert’s wife/lover. She, unlike Treert, is not locked in an intangible form, but she stays with him. She is a capable fighter, and isn’t afraid to join a fight. She is protective of Treert, dispite his condition. She is something akin to a mother-like figure to the heroes.

    Celix: Celix leads most of Earth’s population, and almost all the heroes using mindcontrol chips. He is, however, slowly going insaine, suffering from visions of the heroes’ deceased ansestors, and the villians they defeated. The mind control chips make the victims loyal to Celix, but allows them to keep their personalities, emotions, and individuality.
    Krista: leader of the mind wiped heroes, Krista and Mike posed at Conner’s friends to lure him into a trap. She finds she likes Leo, and the two frequently flirt while fighting. She has a hypnosis power.
    Mike: Krista’s friend, who has can control fire. He has feelings for Krista, and wants Leo out of the picture.
    Evan: Casey’s twin brother, who has the power of speed, ONLY when he is in direct contact with his brother. The fact Casey is now against him means that his brother is just another target, and mut be either killed, or re-chipped.
    Mark: Erica’s father, and a metal controler. Mark knows his daughter is against him, but he still serves Celix, and he will not hesitate to kill her, if ordered to do so.

    Btw, character overload has been a problem in the past. Is that still a problem here?

  734. B. McKenzieon 06 Jul 2014 at 7:34 am

    “Character overload has been a problem in the past. Is that still a problem here?” Yes, I think so — I anticipate that having 10 protagonists and 5 antagonists would greatly limit the amount of time/space available for character development. In addition, when you’re summarizing the story (especially to publishers), I would recommend against listing the characters (a plot-centric summary is generally more organic/natural and gives more opportunities to introduce what matters most about the characters to the plot).

  735. Thoidson 06 Jul 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Ok. Thanks.

  736. Neilon 06 Jul 2014 at 8:35 pm

    Greetings. I have a serious question. In your article, you claim that protagonists should prove themselves, due to overcoming adversity. My question is how do you take this into account when someone has a world were superpowers are normal, and there are those born with them?
    The reason why I ask is because I’m working on an urban fantasy novel, where there are power users called Pysons and the idea of their being an enforcement force who manages them.
    My main character Todd develops powers. Should I have be born with them, or should I have him somehow obtain them as a result of an accident or delayed response? I’m guning for the latter, because I wish to prove my main character’s competence and prove to everyone why he’s worthy to join the organization the Bureau of Pyson affairs. All in all, I’m curious to hear your response, B. Mac.

  737. B. McKenzieon 07 Jul 2014 at 7:09 am

    “My main character Todd develops powers. Should I have be born with them, or should I have him somehow obtain them as a result of an accident or delayed response? I’m gunning for the latter, because I wish to prove my main character’s competence and prove to everyone why he’s worthy to join the organization the Bureau of Pyson affairs.”

    I think it would be really useful to have him prove why he’s worthy to join the organization, but I don’t think it will have a serious effect on his worthiness whether he’s born with the powers or whether he develops them later in life through some means beyond his control. (Either way, we’re looking at something passive, and generally passive events do not shape a character as much as the character’s choices and actions — please disregard if he develops powers later on in life because of some unusual choice he makes, like Peter Parker breaking into an experimental lab while investigating a crime and getting exposed to a spider that way).

    In terms of plotting, I suspect it’d be more interesting if he developed them later (i.e. something more extraordinary to the characters is more likely to come across as extraordinary to readers as well, and there’s also an extra degree of relatability in an ordinary-turned-extraordinary character rather than someone who’s always been extraordinary). But whether he’s born with his powers or develops them later, I’d recommend coming up with a kickass reason the organization hires him (usually something establishing that he’s worthy… or less commonly something establishing that he’s not*).

    *E.g. in The Taxman Must Die, the title character gets hired by a superhero agency because a major criminal really wants him dead… they’re more interested in him as bait than as an investigator.

  738. Neilon 07 Jul 2014 at 7:55 am

    @ B. Mac

    Thank you, very much for the input. I agree I like the idea of him being an average joe being turned into a Pyson. That said, to prove himself, I like the idea of him accidentally picking up a group of files the villains need(the whole drop similar bags and pick up opposite route) and is caught by the villains to be executed. Villains liar is busted by Agents and the character has the option to run, but his computer is caught within the crossfire. Given he values the object he fights the two foes : a pyro kinetic and someone who has cyber tentacles. Long story short, he incapacitates them with his witts and I exposed to a portion of meteorite that bequeaths him abilities. The organization brings him in initially due to his unstable powers, but blackmails him to join, seeing his usefulness and smarts.

    All in all, how was that?

  739. Four Broken Wallson 09 Sep 2014 at 10:23 am

    I’ve been wanting to write this book about a girl with powers since I was twelve, and I was wondering if someone could help me with her origin story. I want her to be able to break the fourth wall, allowing her the power of chaos inducement or probability manipulation, but I’m not sure how she should obtain those powers. I like to know the origin (it doesn’t have to be in the book) and then develop the plot. I was thinking her name could be Anarchy. Any ideas?

    Thank you! 🙂

  740. Four Broken Wallson 09 Sep 2014 at 10:26 am

    Oh, and I was thinking of making her a mercenary that turned good. She’ll be around the age of sixteen or seventeen.

  741. Anonymouson 20 Sep 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Keep in mind that it’s only a work in progress but lets try this…

    So my main protagonist is a girl by the name of Margret Dexter. Margret tend to be very active online.So Margret is up late one night like usual but it soon becomes odd when she clicks on a link to someones website and what she finds are a group of people who look all look the same and a advertisement for the ‘white’s giving house’. Margret is then hypnotized into leaving her parents home. When she gets to there (by the way the hypnotism only works if the person in question is in a certain area, so near by basically) she is invited in white’s and receives a long platinum wig that she has to ware when ever she is not sleeping.

    The next day she is shown around by a boy about her age called Kingma(his last name, they go by there last name there). kingma and Dexter soon become closer throw out the next few days. On the 3rd day he realized that she is still hypnotized. The reason that’s bad for Margret is because that the hypnotism is just simply hypnotism. In small amounts it will simply make her do any thing the chess master in whites says and that would be it. In large amounts It can fry her brain and it did just that it added something extra in the midst of all this nonsense. It gives her infrared perception (she is able to see heat) it is implied that if this continues she will have lost her normal eye sight completely. It also gives her seemly random visions of horrible acts that is ether happening right now or in the past.

    flash forward a few mouths later and she and kingma are now living with a police officer who saved them and the many others from white’s (officer jasper Stephensen). Due to the fact that kingma didn’t really have a family and she had never told ether of them about her’s. Her mind is still a little foggy about the events of there escape but from what she is being told is that she and kingma was the ringleaders in the plan.

    A little while later she and kingma decides to figure out who really is in charge of white’s and what was the purpose of white’s. She decides not to go home yet untell she gets her answers( it’s a little selfish but she really dosn’t want to drag her family into it) and besides she not sure she’s going to be alive by the end of this, or even if it’s going to end.

  742. Tay tayon 20 Sep 2014 at 7:00 pm

    sorry I didn’t put a name above … I’ll go by Tay tay

    anyways what do you think ? any questions?

  743. Angie/Cookieh Ron 11 Oct 2014 at 6:06 am

    This entire website is chock-full of tips, advice, and jokes, for which I thank thee. *bows dramatically*

    The thing is, I had a few questions, the most major of which is; Is there anything wrong with my superhero story? I haven’t started truly writing it yet, but that’s because I want to be sure that when I go back to edit, there isn’t a ton left to do. This would be the basic premise (I also haven’t outlined the whole plot, but then again, that would make it even more difficult to have all the puzzle pieces fit together).

    *I’d like to add that my target audience is high school/maybe college students, since I’ve just started high school myself and it’d be easier to write for that demographic.

    Louis McCarthy is an upbeat, egotistic, willing-to-help, joking, reckless guy who didn’t go to college but instead stayed in his home town of Springfield, working in the SPS (Springfield Pizza Service). He still lives with his parents: Tyler McCarthy, who works as a police officer and volunteer fireman, and approves of Louis building his own twisted path and seeing the world; and Myra McCarthy, who works as a chemistry teacher and would much rather Louis got a decent paying job or went to college instead of ‘doing that cheap-paying pizza thing’. Louis also has a girlfriend before the book even starts. (I didn’t like the idea of a superhero winning a girl by simply being a superhero, or even having to watch him win the girl when so many other things would be going on.) Tiffany Robinson, a sassy, nerdy girl who doesn’t really want to see Louis get into too much trouble is out of town visiting her relatives at the start of the book.

    James Baker is Louis’s best friend who just got back for the summer break of college when the novel starts. James is intelligent, self-reserved, and a little lacking in the patience zone. He’s joined Springfield’s only main attraction- a bio lab- in an effort to work on the amazing question zooming around the USA and even some other countries; could we end world hunger and brace ourselves for a depression if humans could photosynthesize?

    The problem for James, which Louis soon finds out after prodding him for the details, is that Springfield’s bio lab just doesn’t have the resources some other labs do. One lab has already figured out how to modify chlorophyll so it absorbs all color, making plants look dead but flourish even more. Another, using that formula, is testing it on rats. James has the theory and the basic equipment to try and get something done, but he isn’t rich or well-known like some others; not to mention there’s a lack of humans willing to be test subjects.

    Then it hits the news; Eric Thornton, the owner of HGI (Human Genetic Improvements), has become the first test subject for a chlorophyll injection- and it worked. There’s some massive cheering going on in the public, but a representative from HGI stated that they ‘didn’t have enough resources to continue testing on others’.

    James has basically given up, but Louis manages to push him back in with some encouragement. Louis believes that James is just as smart as anyone else and could achieve the same thing, but James points out that he has nobody willing to test it, no matter how well it worked for Thornton. This is when Louis truly shows his recklessness and willingness to help out; he volunteers for the experiment, with the line ‘and if it doesn’t work, the worst that could happen is I turn green, right?’ So James, with some help from a few other lab members who gave him access to the equipment (and are both less than sure this would work) tests it on Louis. And… nothing happens.

    James gives up, leaving Louis feeling like he failed his friend. When Tiffany comes back to town, Louis tells her about it, and she’s sympathetic, pointing out that there have to be some failures before there are successes. Hitting the news, moving past the HGI, is a mysterious masked hero who’s running around and acting like your stereotypical superhero, the news dubbing him ‘The Assassin’. Everybody’s interested in finding out who he is, but nobody can seem to do it; and neither Louis, Tiffany, or James put much thought into it. James is more absorbed in trying to create a light that would work with the new form of chlorophyll to help plants grow better, like a more intense version of the sun. It’s already been installed in one room and is turned on twenty-four seven above a few potted plants.

    Louis tries sneaking back into the bio lab one night, remembering how the first procedure went and wondering if a second one would do anything. He gets lost pretty quickly, and ends up stumbling into James’s ‘light room’. Louis turns around to leave, but when he reaches for the door handle, it breaks off. After a few moments of messing around, Louis comes to the conclusion; it has to be the lights. Raw sunlight wasn’t enough for a human, who wasn’t a plant, to do anything much, but with the intense light and the special chlorophyll it must’ve given him an over-abundance of energy. Louis later drags James back into that room to show him it worked, and James is first surprised, then worried about what could happen. A while later, though, Louis has convinced James to make a smaller version of the light that Louis could have with him at all times, and Louis has managed to pull together a little festival for James’s accomplishment.

    Tiffany points out that Louis practically has the Assassin’s- or Captain America’s, more in her words- powers, and that gets Louis thinking. Before too long, Louis is also pretending to be a superhero just ‘because he wanted to’- in actuality it’s because he wanted to make a name for himself and do something fun and interactive besides handing out pizzas, and this gets more publicity for him (duh), James (he can say that it’s thanks to James he can be a superhero, or at least talk nice about him), and Tiffany (because what superhero-fangirl doesn’t want to be saved in public by a superhero?). Unlike the Assassin, however, ‘Synthesis’ keeps himself in Springfield, where every night he comes home to a questioning Momma Myra and somewhat-helpful dad. He only tells Tiffany, James, and then his dad when he starts showing up in the middle of crime scenes; his dad is all for it, Tiffany’s afraid he’ll hurt himself (“Louis, every superhero almost got himself hospitalized at least five times!”), and James is starting to wish he hadn’t ever done anything, although supportive of his friend.

    The Assassin is starting to get into a different light according to the news; reports show him still stopping people in the middle of a crime, but he isn’t leaving them for the police- and sometimes he’s even finishing off the crime in his own style. Fast forward a little bit, and Louis/Tiffany/James have come to the conclusion that Thornton is the only other person who COULD be the Assassin, since he seems to have the same abilities as Louis. James points out that the Assassin has been seen at night, and he obviously doesn’t have a light like Louis does, but Tiffany responds with the fact that plants don’t die after one night, and maybe he has a way to store it.

    Anyways, Louis eventually realizes once Thornton has gotten way out of hand that he’s pretty much the only person who could stop him- the footage of the Assassin using a police car as a shield against a couple handguns before throwing the car at the police probably helped convince him. A bit later and James has managed to figure out where Thornton would next strike- Louis follows suit. There follows an intense fight scene where Louis almost loses at one point- and then the light he has goes out, causing him to run as he tries to figure out a way to take Thornton down when ass he really has is two fists. He manages to get to a spot where he can call Tiffany, and after a while of evading Thornton, who isn’t likely to give up anytime soon, Tiffany manages to show up with an extra light- Louis takes it, we return to another fight scene, where Louis just barely manages to take Thornton out after discovering that instead of a light, he has a piece of equipment that just emits pulses of energy for him to use strapped to his arm.

    That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. I was thinking that after Thornton was beaten, Louis would reveal him, keep the energy emitter for himself, and Thornton would get thrown into a trail and then a cell, simple as that. Louis also might put away the superhero life for a while, but eventually come back to it after telling his mother about it, and her saying that the world really needs a few more heroes.

    I’m wondering if anything seems too cliche, or if there’s any way I could make it better. I’m also looking for a nice opening scene for the story; I’ve thought of Louis struggling to deliver a pizza on time, showing that he already has a conflict before the story starts, or him saying goodbye to Tiffany. I’m also trying to think of a way I could make the majority of the story more action-packed; maybe a side-villain who’s just an ordinary criminal that keeps evading Louis? Any help is appreciated, and I’m really looking for constructive criticism. Thanks!

  744. Angie/Cookieh Ron 11 Oct 2014 at 6:11 am

    *I just realized I made a few typos, like ‘trail’ instead of ‘trial’… whoops.

  745. KCSledgeon 30 Oct 2014 at 8:03 pm

    Is a dead practice go a few issues before getting to the origin story. I had in mind that the origin would take on a more natural flow if figures from the hero’s past come in and it manifests itself organically from there.

  746. ALLIEPUFFLEon 09 Nov 2014 at 11:17 am

    angie/cookie r-
    Wow. just, wow. your story outline is great! I mean, really, really great! there are a couple of things.
    1.i do think you should have a side villain, but maybe make him more of a comical character, who always shows up at the wrong time, or make him just plain annoying.
    2. it would b a lot of fun to see Louis become obsessed with this main villain, a bit like in the amazing Spiderman 2, and more movies that I don’t remember (read: too lazy to type) He could be so caught up in trying to figure out who the villain is, that he neglects school, tiffany, and his parents. maybe his mom could find that he’s been skipping school, and ground him, making it much harder for him to go and be a hero.
    3. maybe the side baddie could be Louise’s boss at the pizza place? idk, lame idea. 🙂

    once again, just extra ideas. your story is pretty much perfect. hope you like the ideas.

  747. Angie/Cookieh Ron 22 Nov 2014 at 7:26 am


    (So sorry this reply came so late, I was swamped with homework *facepalm*)

    Thank you so much!
    The comical side villain really fits with Louis’s sarcastic, first-person tone, so that sounds like even better of an idea. And him getting grounded is even better! I’m not sure about his boss being a villain, though- I want the boss to be some sort of uptight antagonist, and making them a supervillain would sort of change the conflict. But the suggestions are awesoem! And thanks for complimenting my story, you have no idea how much it means to me!

  748. Angie/Cookieh Ron 22 Nov 2014 at 7:28 am

    (typos. -_-

  749. ALLIEPUFFLEon 24 Nov 2014 at 5:22 am

    Angie/Cookie r-
    ugh, homework. when will it end!!!!!!
    this sounds great. hope your novel turns out as well as you hope 🙂

  750. Tobion 23 Dec 2014 at 7:52 pm

    I just need a little help. I’m currently thinking up a story. I want it to involve swords and cool scenes of mostly over the too action but I want there to also be a meaning in the story. This is what I have so far as far as the concept.
    Two friends wake up after dying and realize their lives have been just a dream. And in reality they live in a time of swords magic and monsters. The main problem being that the two dont remember much about their real life ( their fantasy life) One of the friends is quite popular. Everyone respects him and looks to him to get jobs done and he’s one of those people that’s talented without trying. This becomes even more apparent towards the beginning of the story when the two are chosen to defeat a wyvern that’s been attacking a small town.
    The other friend works really hard to gain strength and Although he feels like he is just as capable as his friend he doesn’t truly believe it and others don’t as well. So he’s always living in his friends shadow. No matter what he does he can’t gain recognition amongst others he starts to recall how things were in his normal life ( the normal human life like you and me ) and still he remembers not being good enough.
    The story really kicks off when an ancient evil is released from its seal and threatens to destroy everything. Its up to the two hero’s to defeat the darkness.

    Does this sound like a good story? I don’t know everyone’s tastes or anything.

  751. NewBroon 24 Dec 2014 at 12:39 pm

    So just brain-storming a bit here. Feedback would be great.


    Our hero, Jackson Candor III, is from a family of supernatural hunters. Werewolves, vampires, faeries, leprechauns, wendigos, witches, shapeshifters (were-cats and were-bears), ghosts, zombies, demons, goblins, etc. His adventure-seeking, irresponsible father is always gone, hunting whatever he can get his hands on. His mother is the far more serious and demanding of the two and she trains him and his older sister, Kate. His sister and mother are always on his case about being a better hunter because he’s now 18, the legal age for the Supernatural League of Hunters to assign him missions. He and his sister have been trained since birth and his sister is already gaining acclaim for her kills. Basically he’s facing a lot of pressure from his family and the League because he’s supposed to be a prodigy.

    Jackson’s girlfriend is Sydney Alucard (yes Dracula spelled backwards). Her vampire family are direct descendants from the original Count Dracula. He’s known that she’s a vampire since the 4th grade and she’s known about him for about the same amount of time. Their families hate each other because Jackson’s dad killed Sydney’s mother when around the time Jackson and Sydney met.

    His best friend Xavier Nixon is a recently turned werewolf and Jackson is trying to help him cope with the change and find a pack to help him learn to be werewolf. Adding another supernatural friend to his friend group really bothers his mother and sister who disapprove of any non business involvement with the supernatural.


    1.) Jackson gets home from a date with Sydney and gets his first assignment from his father and other council members who await him at his house. Because the league knows he’s the son and sibling of some famous killers, he gets a solo mission with a level 7 were-leopard. most beginners start off with level 1-3, but the aura surrounding the Candor’s uncanny hunting skills gives Jackson a high-level mission. The most commom missions are 4-7, 8-9 and rare and highly dangerous and 10 is the most threatening.

    2.)However as Jackson prepares for his mission, he hears that his father has been researching on the Alucards and has learned that they and some other vampire families are trying to raise Dracula, who was killed by Van Helsing and crew. Dracula is the most powerful vampire ever and his resurrection could pretty much lead to vampires taking over the world.

    3.) The Candor family is considered new-blood among the hunting families. The Van Helsings and the Harkers are the old-blood and dislike the publicity the Candor daughter is receiving. Their own children are the rivals of Jackson and his sister, Kate

    4.) The SLH has a code in which they only hunt supernatural beings that have committed serious crimes or plan to commit crimes (mainly murder). However, there are hunters called poachers, who hunt supernatural beings just for fun. The SLH is trying to find out how to deal with poachers. Some members want to reform them, and some want to banish them supernatural hotspots (aka sentence them to death).

  752. Emperor_Laoon 14 Jan 2015 at 7:20 pm

    I need help this is kinda a origin story, but its for a protagonist turning heres what i have: Meteor falls in chicago and the government confiscates it. they run tests on it and finds it gives abilities to people but only temporary ( im thinking about calling it the meteor legacy drive which would lead to another prequel). So the government tasks a brilliant scientist to find how to give it to someone permanently and military sargent to find a worthy candidate, they also are sworn to keep their identity safe from everyone. The protagonist volunteers knowing he will most likely not survive it, Then one thing leads to another and he survives the process and becomes the worlds hero, only problem is that he must act with the government. couple years later the world is on the brink of starting world war 3, people are starting riots all over America for not feeling safe knowing the government is corrupted. The protagonist’s family and his fiancee knows about him. (Now i have different variations of this, but they don’t click with me) Riots are getting out of hand in the protagonists hometown, his family and fiancee are in danger, but meanwhile Europe has had enough of America thinking they can control everything; they launch missile strikes at the white house. They order the protagonist to stop the missiles and destroy the base in Europe, however the rioters reached his neighborhood and plan to destroy the police station. so he’s stuck with the decision to save the white house or his family, he pleads with the government to put the national guard in chicago and protect his family. they said they’ll do what they can, but as soon as he left, they lied and let the rioters destroy it. After He stops the missiles , he hears the screams of his family and rushes to their aid but he is to late, everything is taken from him. He breaks down and wipes out the rioters and the police for not acting on them. He takes his fiancees body to the government and asks why they didn’t help. they said they have bigger things to worry about than his family. The protagonist gets angry and states they have nothing to fear anymore except him. He then kills the sargent and destroys the white house, while declaring the world under one nation and one ruler, anyone that apposes him will be killed. Also the protagonist fuses blood,from the body of his dead fiancee and his own, and creates a son. So any suggestions on what i can change or does it sound good

  753. Silvercaton 27 Jan 2015 at 11:11 pm

    I’m considering changing my hero’s origin story, because it’s the cliched ‘loved one gets killed’.

    Quick world background: while there are superheroes, all of them have superpowers and the majority of them are veterans and wander around with other veterans. There are also mutants who aren’t legally human who have to get along how they can. Depending on their powers – and most powers are very weak – they might work for the police, as performers, as migrant workers, etc.

    My main character, Delia Troy is chief financial officer at Future-Tech, a company that her and three of her friends founded to produce one of the friends’ inventions (which are all environmental based). The city she lives in and that the company works out of is plagued by gangs and crime, which has affected her all her life (her parents were mugged when starting their business which set them back until Delia was a teenager, she was caught in a gang border dispute when she was a teenager, etc). Basically, everybody gets off the streets at sundown quick as they can.

    Besides Future-Tech, the area is known for Stow Prison and its special care unit, Stomlin, which deals with the prisoners that have specialized needs, whether medical, psychiatric, or security related. Also nearby is The Zoo, which is the nickname for the prison for mutants. I have a whole bunch of gangs sketched out as well, some of which are run by name criminals. Some of the name criminals have superpowers. Most don’t and most are either solo criminals or freelancers. I think only one of the gets started after the White Knight is working and none of them are connected to her (although she becomes friends with some of them much later).

    After she got married, her husband (who was much more social than she was) encouraged her to do more direct community service, including volunteering at the animal shelter and donating to several charities.

    Her father and brother are deceased (Her brother was killed in the war). Her mother and extended family live elsewhere. She’s close with her brother-in-law and friendly with her parents-in-law.

    (/end background)

    What prompts her to become a vigilante is that her husband is shot during a mugging and dies soon after. She builds a supersuit, lots of gadgets, and gets some vehicles. Her son, who is a hacker and techie, reluctantly helps as she searches for her husband’s killer as the White Knight, while beating up crooks as she come across them on the way.

    A lot of the conflict in the origin story is with the police. Obviously they don’t want vigilantes, but a lot of them admire her because the White Knight quickly makes a dent in crime because she’s not afraid of fighting them on their own turf or at night. They don’t know that she’s a woman or that she’s not super powered.

    The problem I’m having with coming up with a different origin story is that becoming a vigilante isn’t a very rational act. She currently does it because this is the last straw for her and she’s grieving wildly. So any ideas?

  754. B. McKenzieon 30 Jan 2015 at 12:28 am

    Some thoughts and suggestions, Silvercat:

    “I’m considering changing my hero’s origin story, because it’s the cliched ‘loved one gets killed’.” I don’t know anything about how you had been executing the concept of the killed-loved-one-as-motivation, but my impression is that trying something else would probably be more promising. (Alternately, at least make the loved one an interesting character besides a walking plot device full of motivational one-liners?)

    “My main character Delia Troy is chief financial officer at Future-Tech…” What drew you to that position? (I feel it may be hard to work a CFO’s job into a superhero story in an interesting way compared to a job that involves more fieldwork).

    I feel it may also be a challenge to work in the character’s backstory in an interesting way. E.g. what’s your plan for incorporating a mugging that happened decades ago to side-characters? If your main purpose here is to establish that the city is warped and/or hellish, I’d recommend trying to show it in a more memorable way and ideally one more immediately related to the “now” of the story. For example, in Gotham, even the Wayne family’s charity gets taken over by criminals, which feels a lot dirtier and distinctive than the 20th take on the Wayne murders.

    “What prompts her to become a vigilante is that her husband is shot during a mugging and dies soon after.” If it has to be a loved one’s death, I’d recommend making it a more distinctive motive than a mugging. E.g. an assassination or an attempt to target the wife for whatever reason. That would probably be higher stakes than a random criminal that would probably not be much of a challenge.

    If she has the resources for a supersuit and multiple vehicles, what kept her living in this hellhole? (Maybe later on she sort of regrets not leaving even though she had the means to do so?)

    “The problem I’m having with coming up with a different origin story is that becoming a vigilante isn’t a very rational act.” I think it depends on the circumstances. E.g. if hoping for the police to solve the case is not plausible (because the police are overwhelmed and/or do not care about this particular victim and/or may be on the take), I think it’s believable that someone might try to pursue justice for the loved one even though it’s obviously a dangerous and dicey move. Depending on how circumspect she is, she’d probably realize that it could come at a high mental cost even if her armor holds up.

    Given her background, it might be more intuitive that she would have paid someone else to do it (maybe she looks into hiring a mutant but decides against it for whatever reason or the criminal in question is so serious that not even mutants will think about it), but depending on her personality she might be willing to do it herself. She’s probably not that much of a stranger to violence to begin with (she grew up in this city and, if she were totally scared of violence, I think she probably would have moved already).

    Are there any nonvillain mutants the main character interacts with?

  755. B. McKenzieon 30 Jan 2015 at 5:46 pm

    “Europe has had enough of America thinking they can control everything; they launch missile strikes at the white house.” There may be more believable alternatives to Europe in the suicidal death cult role. Could I suggest Iran, North Korea, Canada, or a terrorist group?

    Currently, it sounds like the threat to the main character’s family is not very directed (it’s just general rioting rather than someone specifically trying to kill them). It could be more dramatic to use a more targeted threat to the family (e.g. the group firing the missiles also takes the hero’s family hostage to distract him from the threat elsewhere).

    What causes the protagonist to volunteer for something likely to kill him?

    What causes the police to not act against the rioters even after they’ve destroyed a police station?

  756. Silvercaton 30 Jan 2015 at 9:46 pm

    No matter what, the husband is going to be out of the picture and probably dead. I have too many supporting characters that are already fleshed out (her son, cook, brother-in-law, business partners, and various friends). I could make them divorced – her son has a chronic illnesses which would be strain enough…

    The mugging is now – it starts the whole story. Her brother-in-law and her actually discuss why she stays. I’d have to look it up, but basically it’s her home and she wants to make it better, which is also why Future-tech is based there. She’s extremely optimistic and overlooks / doesn’t notice much of the low level corruption (like the animal shelter getting paid to take care of one of the criminals ferrets). It’s also kind of a frog in boiling water situation – she doesn’t notice it because she’s living in it.

    The tech is fairly cheap. She makes the suit and the vehicles are a beat up van (made to look even worse than it is so nobody will want to steal it) and a standard motorcycle.

    The job isn’t that crucial. Just she has plenty of money and some influence. Future-tech is kind of a big deal, but more because of her friend, the inventor. But it gives her connections and a tech background. Much later she’s going to get a low-level office job for the girlfriend of my fav villian, although that story already needs rewriting (when I wrote it Delia was CEO and male…) The job will probably just be background. Her volunteering at the animal shelter ends up being very helpful for a couple stories.

    She’s a double black belt in taijitsu and plays lacrosse – she’s tough (I modeled her physical after some Korean pro wrestlers).

    She’d consider hiring a mutant to do it unethical, and she’s over confidant enough to think she won’t have a problem (it ends up being a lot tougher to find the guy than she thinks).

    As far as mutants, nothing major yet so far as I can remember (there are a lot that have such minor powers that they can hide as normal). She saves the niece of one of my main police officers and someone who works for the police dept, during a protest turned very ugly.

    I just really can’t think of something else that would push her into becoming a vigilante. And the origin right now sets up us meeting and sympathizing with several supporting characters in the police dept who end up with their own arcs. The random violence is something of the point. He just passed the wrong guy and was a bit too stubborn. But it’s still a little too Batman… I’m just having trouble with coming up with something better.

  757. Griffinon 21 Feb 2015 at 12:18 pm

    So, I have a question on an origin story that I need some help starting. One of the heroes I have created, named Noel, is blessed. By that I mean he has a fraction (as in 1/100,000,000,000th) of the power of God. It manifests mainly in electricity manipulation and generation, spirit beams from his hands (basically energy beams constructed of his own spiritual energy) and an ability to sense sin. He isn’t indestructible or anything like that, and is definitely not a god himself. He just has a fraction of the power of one.

    Now my predicament. I have no idea how I can make a 26 year old with divine power and a holy mission relatable. How would I start this? I’d love to hear any take on it please?

  758. Tyleron 03 Jun 2015 at 5:17 pm

    I don’t know if you remember me from before, but I was working on a superhero named Father Nature. Like Beast Boy, he can turn into animals but, I wanted to put a twist, like he needs to get DNA from that certain animal and maybe mix it with his DNA. I don’t know if that is good. He also has basic nature powers like controlling plants. I’m still trying to come up with an origin story for him. This is what I haves far, I haven’t gotten very far. He wasn’t actually born into the world, he was created by a scientist Dr. Jackson(full name: Daniel Jackson). Dr. Jackson is a botanist who is working on a Human-Plant Hybrid project. He mixes his DNA with a plant’s DNA. It took many tries, many failures, but he finally his goal was accomplished.He had made a Human-Plant Hybrid. The hybrid has a human form with plant skin. Dr. Jackson names this hybrid Kyle Jackson. His wife finds out about this, and thinks it’s a bad idea to have this Kyle around worrying about friends and family coming over and seeing Kyle and freaking out. So, Dr. Jackson came up with an idea for a device that can make Kyle turn between human and plant skin with his mind (I’m thinking it should be activated by pressing a button). After a few years, Dr. Jackson thinks Kyle is ready to go to school to have the education of a normal human. (This is where I’m stuck) Do you think this is good? What do you think I should add next?

  759. Iurion 20 Aug 2015 at 8:04 am

    This article pretty much covers some things I changed for my superhero story precisely because they were clichés: my teenager protagonist was to loose his mother due to the villain´s actions. I pretty much changed this because I thought “Yeah, that is as lazy as both me and my bad guy can get”. While I do miss the “mourning” part and the “protagonist accepting that she´s gone” part, I don´t want to write something that people are tired of reading. It is both unsatisfying to me and insulting to the ones who give me a chance. My greatest dream is to create a work that can have a fanbase.

    I truly love to write (I got at trouble in school once for ignoring the lesson and being instead writing my tales on my notebook) and I would hate to just use clichés. I spend a lot of time world-building and creating my characters, yet my mind never seems to find a finished version satisfying. This superhero story is my most recent one. I have wrote animal-related stories before (one about a hyena clan, for example).

  760. Jayon 22 Aug 2015 at 3:20 pm

    I am creating a superhero cartoon targeted at kids. One where I can potentially sell toys and etc. I was wondering in regards to developing a successful show which of the following would make for a more compelling show:

    1 – Creating a superhero show where the superheroes are in their teens, go to school during the day, but fight crime around the world at night?


    2 – Creating a Superhero show where the heroes have no alter ego, in their early 20’s (or teens still), and fight crime 24/7 around the world?

  761. B. McKenzieon 22 Aug 2015 at 6:35 pm

    Jay, my best guess is #1 (more relatability), but I don’t understand television writing very well. There have been successful examples of each.

  762. Daon 07 Nov 2015 at 1:59 pm

    I’m writing a story about these people who are transported to an alternate Earth and they gain powers. They will not be able to travel back home (ever). And other people on this earth gains powers as well. My main character is similar to batman but without the tragedy

  763. B. McKenzieon 07 Nov 2015 at 7:25 pm

    “My main character is similar to batman but without the tragedy.” I like to think of myself as similar to Einstein, but without the intelligence or the scientific aptitude. Aside from that, we’re practically identical.

  764. Dark-Slayeron 31 Dec 2015 at 2:01 pm

    As someone writing a webcomic and a big fan of superhero related comics, I found this very intriguing and very helpful! Thank you for posting this!

    I could actually use a bit of advice or input, myself. I’m worried it may too complex, too convoluted or that I may lose or frustrate my readers with this. There are quite a few story elements of mine I’m worried about.

    One in particular pertains to one of my protagonists, Bryan.

    Bryan was a boxer and his life took a different turn when his wife was murdered. Thing is, he found the man responsible, and it turns out to be his guardian, the man who he felt was more of an older brother figure than a father, Alex. During the confrontation, Alex dies, and Bryan has to cope with the loss of two of the most important people in his life.

    However, he does not get to rest for long, because due to psychological issues and the trauma from losing them both, he’s losing his grip on reality. Later, it’s revealed that all of this, has been a clever manipulation on the part of a guy named Matt. Though Bryan survives the encounter, a deadly feud now takes place between them. Matt finds it difficult to kill this human, however, and he wonders why he’s having such a hard time killing Bryan.

    The truth is told to both Bryan and Matt by their fathers, that Bryan is a Vardoger. An individual with the unique ability to replicate himself. Several hundred years ago, Matt’s father and Matt himself, along with their vast army, annihilated and basically wiped out an entire Kingdom. The middle son in the Royal family just happened to be a Vardoger, so that’s the only reason the Prince “survived”. At the point of death, he replicated himself.

    Due to the traumas and not to mention pretty much dying, he had no memory of who he’d been before. This process kept happening whenever he died, because it was pretty much surival instinct. His original self, the Prince, did not want to die, so he continues to “survive” his brushes with death, no matter the method. But it has cost him his identity each time. Now Bryan has to face this truth, and also deal with the unfinished business of the war/feud started between his family and Matt’s when Bryan’s was wiped off the map so long ago.

    Have I put too much into this? Too much thought? Too much info? Is it too cliche’d? Should I ditch the “royal heritage” bit?

    I also wanted to know about flashbacks. I’ve been looking into them and I know that if they aren’t transitioned properly or told properly that the readers can be left confused, frustrated or just simply lost. Is there a proper way to go about them? I get the feeling it may be needed in my case. Is it better to tell one large one? Or should it be divided into sections, whilst staying with the main story?
    Any and all help would be appreciated!

  765. B. McKenzieon 01 Jan 2016 at 12:03 pm

    Personally, I feel like the royal angle does not mesh very well with the initial phases of this conflict (a friend killing a boxer’s wife). The shift from one plot thread to the next could be disorienting even before what I imagine will be a VERY difficult flashback. Also, it sounds like Bryan doesn’t know much if anything about the ancestral conflict, so mysterious things are going to be happening around him (supernatural forces trying to kill him?) and I anticipate it will be quite some time before he understands even what is happening, let alone why or who. It sounds like the risk of disorientation is high.

  766. Dark-Slayeron 01 Jan 2016 at 3:56 pm

    Agreed, I can nix that, the royal angle was something that felt like more of an unnecessary layer to already complicated backstory.

    The plan was to reveal later, that his friend was actually being possessed by a demon, hence the out of character behavior, since the character would never have committed murder otherwise. I was trying to decide whether it should be Matt himself who did the deed using Alex as a vessel, or just some random demon. Using Matt would seem a bit more fitting, since it would tie things together. I’m just unsure whether it would still work, even with it being revealed much later that Alex had been possessed.

    The webcomic isn’t all about him, he’s just one of several protagonists, and he’s not really introduced to the supernatural element of the world until much later in the webcomic.

    Yes, Demonic forces are indeed trying to kill him. Since those very forces are trying to clean up the mess started so many years ago. The Vardogers were becoming a nuisance, and Bryan’s family back in the day were helping to fight off the forces that were killing them off.

    I do want to spread the elements out and obviously not reveal everything all at once. Is there any recommendations, advice or suggestions you have, that could make this work, or is this something that might have to be seriously reworked, edited or cut out?

  767. B. McKenzieon 02 Jan 2016 at 9:58 am

    “Is there any recommendations, advice or suggestions you have, that could make this work, or is this something that might have to be seriously reworked, edited or cut out?” I hate to punt, but I’d have to see how it’s executed before offering an opinion on whether it works or not. Re: the friend that’s possessed by the demon, I’d recommend giving the protagonist something to work with here to figure out that what he can see is not the whole story (e.g. the demon doesn’t know something the friend definitely would have, and/or the demon does something which might suggest a demonic angle*).

    ” he’s not really introduced to the supernatural element of the world until much later in the webcomic.” Do any of the protagonists know what’s going on? If not, it sounds like there’ll be a lot of bumbling in the dark. I anticipate that it could be a non-ideal reading experience compared to protagonists that understand their plots better and/or are more clearly on the right track. Also, will genre(s) be clear to readers early on? I think holding off on revealing a supernatural angle until late in the story would probably be disorienting. (Generally, I’d recommend establishing genre(s) early on).

    *E.g. in hypothetically a universe where people that have been possessed by a vampire are known to lose their reflections, if the protagonist sees a shattered mirror near the murder, that might give him a theory why his friend was acting out of character (a possessing vampire might have destroyed the mirror as a precaution against his friend realizing that he suddenly had no reflection).

  768. Madisonon 09 Jan 2016 at 4:38 pm

    Hey, I’m writing up my own superhero story and the main character is a young boy called Isaac Redfern, with the ability to copy (and absorb) the abilities of other meta-humans. He is killed by a government created meta-human known as KING who he gets his first power from, how he learns he is a meta-human, which is regeneration. KING shoots Isaac, leaving him for dead when Isaac interferes with his culling of civilians under orders but I’m not sure how to start the story. Any ideas or tips?

  769. B. McKenzieon 09 Jan 2016 at 10:00 pm

    “KING shoots Isaac, leaving him for dead when Isaac interferes with his culling of civilians under orders but I’m not sure how to start the story. Any ideas or tips?” Is it in keeping with the character’s personality that he (a young boy) would interfere with a murder in progress? In context, would that actually feel believable (rather than, say, running for help)? Also, depending on how uncommon metahumans are, it may feel highly contrived if one metahuman happens to stumble upon an assassin targeting metahumans? I’d recommend coming up with some reason that the kid is at the scene besides just a random case of wrong-place wrong-time.

    Also, personally, I’m not a huge fan of grab bag superpowers (in this case, it sounds like he starts with regeneration and is going to collect superpowers as the story progresses). My thinking is that superpowers which would be memorable by themselves (or with a few other superpowers) are going to get “meh” as they get stuffed in a bag with many others. Also, challenging the character will probably get exponentially more difficult over time. (I mean, umm, he’s STARTING with regeneration, which by itself is probably going to make it hard to physically endanger the character).

  770. Wild_Cardon 12 Jan 2016 at 7:35 pm

    ive been on the ropes for writing a comic for years. Me and my friend started it when we were freshman and were both out of school now. anyway we came up with a lot of ideas and i just cant figure out which one i should go with and ive run into a problem with the main characters origin and how it would tie in with the rest of the story. if you guys could help it would be much appreciated.

  771. B. McKenzieon 12 Jan 2016 at 9:09 pm

    “i just cant figure out which one i should go with and ive run into a problem with the main characters origin and how it would tie in with the rest of the story. if you guys could help it would be much appreciated.” Can you give more details? E.g. what does the rest of the story look like, and what origin(s) were you considering for the main character?

  772. Wild_Cardon 13 Jan 2016 at 10:15 pm

    it starts with another alien race that came to earth after a civil war broke out on there planet. in a desperate attempt to escape they transported part of their main city with them and with it some of thier attackers. originally we wanted this other race to be able to channel energy throughout the universe into abilities like being able to animate and control flames or to turn your skin into dense alloys etc.well they channeled this energy to escape and they were sent to earth and it resulted in an overflow of energy that created a kind of explosion, this overflow was too much for human bodys to handle and it eventually mutated them, some into grotesque monsters and some were endowed with abilities. they continued to fight between each other destroying buildings and they were eventually reprimanded by the government. the good ones were allowed to stay in return they handed over their attackers and were basically exiled to their piece of land that they transported with them which now floats over a body of water. the story takes place about 5 years after this. In the city that was destroyed by the aliens people are starting to mutate and gain abilities from the overflow and they’re beginning to take over the city. theyre showing up other places too because after the attack a lot of people left. Well the story revolves around two teens Alexander (Night Angel- who can generate and manipulate electricity has improved strength and can jump really high and far eventually can fly) and Luv(Lion Boy- who is enhanced in every way runs really fast can grow claws and fangs and accelerated healing) two teens that live in the city that was destroyed by the aliens. Alex is half human and half of the alien race unbeknownst to him because he never knew who his father was. he doesnt find out until one day he was at school and a student suddenly started mutating in the middle of class and started attacking people the school was evacuated and Alex made it out but then realizes his friend didnt and he rushes back in the school. he finds her unconscious in one of the rooms and tries to get her out but then the monster comes back and attacks him. he realizes all he can do is die fighting and thats when he accidentally uses his powers. hes able to escape with his friend and the police show up and take care of the monster but not without heavy casualties. his friend lets him know that shell keep his secret but he should really consider using his gift to help people. and thats how he became Night Angel.
    Now Luvs origins are where i have a problem because originally we wanted his powers to be a spiritual thing where he was granted powers by some higher being but im not sure if that would be too much for the story just with the two main characters because we wanted to bring in other heroes eventually that got powers from the overflow and from experiments from the overflow so i thought maybe just have him get his powers from an experiment. but what we talked about was his parents were scientists that were working on a cures for diseases and they moved to africa when he was really young during their experiments they made a breakthrough and a gang found out about it and attacked the village they were and they destroyed everything and took the experiments and killed his parents they were about to kill him when a group of people came in and attacked them. he noticed something weird about them then he fell unconscious and woke up later in a small room and some old guy sitting next to him. the old man explained what happened and Luv asked him about what he saw . they didnt fight with guns like the gang did and they were moving faster than normal. he explained that they devote theyre lives to gods and in return they are granted abilities to protect theyre way of life the old man who is the elder of the village offers to take care of Luv and him only being a kid stays and mourn s his parents. during his stay he is slowly trained by the elder in their ways and he is taught to fight and eventually he devotes himself to their gods. he decides to go after the gang that killed his family he finds out the man that killed his parents is in america but he almost dies but the elder saves him. he gets banished from the village for going out on his own and decides to go to the city where the mutants are showing up because he can do the most good there.

    Problems im having, im not really sure if an overflow of energy would be the best way to explain people getting powers maybe there should be something else involved. and like i said before i dont know if Luvs origin story is too much and will throw off the story
    Its five years in the future i wanted to go more like 10 or so because i wanted heroes there before alex and luv but then figured that was too much too and i dont really know what i would in in regards to how the world was affected by aliens(better tech, stronger military, etc.)
    I know its a lot to read but whatever advice you guys have would be great!

  773. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 2:13 pm

    Noah Jackson was born in Connecticut and lived in a small and quiet town with his mother Maya Jackson. His dad died doing time in the military right after Noah was born. As a child, Noah had a happy life with his mom.

    His powers came to him at around 13 and with the help of his mom, he was able to hide them. When a crazed school shooter shot his mom and a few other students, he had a mental break down causing him to kill the shooter in his anger by screaming. But in the process he destroyed te entire school and killed most of the people in it.

    Fully realizing what he did, he ran from the scene and got home to clean himself up and take whatever he can carry in a small bag and left the town. After getting to a town far from his home, he was found by police and put into foster care. He didn’t stay in one place for too long seeing how he got into fights with other kids his age and putting them in hospitals.

    When, he came to Japan, he finally stopped fighting other kids and actually made friends in a nearby highschool. He does volunteer work at a animal shelter and even became part of a band where he was the only male member. Soon, his foster home forced him to be out in a school for kids like him without his consent.

  774. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 6:40 pm

    “originally we wanted this other race to be able to channel energy throughout the universe into abilities…” My first suggestion would be going with a story that is all yours. It’s pretty much impossible for a team of unpublished coauthors to get published, and generally I’d only recommend the huge logistical hassle of having a coauthor if he/she bridges some major obstacle to writing a great story and/or getting published. (It’s much more common in nonfiction).

    “the good ones were allowed to stay…” I’d recommend a more three dimensional approach to the groups involved.

    “were basically exiled to their piece of land that they transported with them which now floats over a body of water…” I’d suggest having the city transported onto land somewhere — I think you’ll have more opportunity for interesting interactions and conflict if the aliens and humans are closer together.

    I feel like a character being secretly half an alien raises some questions. Among other things, I think that plot development would move the aliens more towards being ~interchangeable with humans and, uhh, personally I’d recommend going in a more unique direction there. (If the main thing separating the aliens from humans is superpowers, personally I’d probably pass quickly).

    “Now Luvs origins are where i have a problem because originally we wanted his powers to be a spiritual thing where he was granted powers by some higher being…” As far as dramatic opportunities go, I feel like it’d probably give you more to work with than Alex being born half-alien (e.g. earning a semi-divine favor might be impressive and memorable, whereas being born is not). I would recommend making the higher being only semi-cooperative, though (e.g. if his goals only line up sort of well with the character’s, that would probably make plotting and characterization more effective).

    If Luv’s parents are important to the story, I’d suggest a more coherent conflict between them and their adversaries than a gangster randomly showing up and killing them and then randomly moving to America. (Also, medical research would be sort of an unusual interest for a third-world gang). I’d suggest making it a group which is also active in the U.S. as well (making it easier to make the death of the parents relevant in the present of the story). The first option that comes to mind (which is rarely the most interesting) would be some sort of international corporation or mercenary group. Less cliche: maybe a rival mystical sect? Some sort of shady alien-human cooperative? An anti-alien terrorist group?

    From what I can gather, the main characters’ personalities sound like they may be sort of generic. Would recommend working in unusual choices. A little bit of edge and/or disagreeability may help.

  775. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:11 pm

    “When, he came to Japan…” I imagine that’d be one hell of a conversation with immigration.

    My main concern with the setup is that it sounds like his actions don’t seem to have believable consequences. Killing several hundred people and having several hospital-grade fights would probably make (legal) emigration pretty difficult, especially to Japan. If he’s getting extraordinarily generous treatment, is he at least doing something to cause/earn it? (E.g. in Inception, a felon gets through immigration by earning a favor from a powerful businessman). Alternately, maybe his foster home smuggles him into Japan for whatever reason, preferably a shady one?

  776. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:15 pm

    What do you mean?

  777. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:34 pm

    “What do you mean?” This guy basically takes every stereotype the Japanese government has of immigrants and takes it up x100. Is he violent? He’s beaten a few guys into a hospital. Would he be a menace to society at large? Hundreds of fatalities so far. Will he have problems in school? He blew up his last one.

    If a government official let him into their country, the most plausible explanations would be blackmail and bribery, either one of which would be more dramatically promising than everybody involved forgetting basically everything major he’s ever been involved in.

  778. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:39 pm

    ….I can’t tell if your being scarcastic or not.

  779. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:49 pm

    I am absolutely serious that blackmail, bribery, or smuggling/illegal immigration would be a more promising explanation for how a repeat felon gets into a country than just asking for permission. You’re asking your plot and readers and characters to pretend that ~everything leading up to this point didn’t happen. It will not work.

  780. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:51 pm

    And that’s bad?

  781. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:57 pm

    “And that’s bad?” Asking readers and characters to pretend that major plot events haven’t happened is probably grounds for a quick rejection. You have much more promising options/explanations available.

  782. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 7:58 pm

    So how can I fix this to be acceptable?

  783. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 8:04 pm

    Come up with a solution that gets him from A to B (from his backstory in the U.S. to Japan) without characters acting insanely along the way. One possibility that comes to mind would be illegal immigration. He’s already committed several violent felonies. Readers won’t hold illegal immigration against him, and it’ll introduce a more promising potential conflict with the Japanese authorities than you’d have if they freely let him in the country.

    In context, I don’t see any scenarios where he could freely get past immigration without gutting the significance of all of the choices he’s made up to this point. If you were REALLY set on him being allowed freely into the country, you could soften the edges on his violent behavior in the U.S. (e.g. maybe he was involved in some criminal activity, but maybe something more like serious theft or minor drug dealing rather than major assaults). Personally, it wouldn’t be my first plan. I think that his deliberately violent decisions are more interesting and more central to the character than him being helplessly involved in the school explosion.

  784. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 8:06 pm

    But the sonic scream thing in his school was just a bad accident. He’s not meant to be a villan.

  785. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 8:23 pm

    I agree that the school explosion was just a bad accident. Even so, wouldn’t there be a huge cloud of doubt hanging around him? Is anyone convinced that he couldn’t have another bad accident? (A semi-viable solution that comes to mind: in-story, maybe it’s well-known that mutant powers often emerge in a dangerous way but mutants are usually much better at controlling their powers from day 2 onwards).

    More critically, beyond his accident, he’s been involved in several major fights (“he got into fights with other kids his age and put them in hospitals”). I don’t think it’s believable that he’d get the benefit of the doubt unless there’s something else going on. If he does get the benefit of the doubt (not preferred), I’d recommend having him do something to cause/earn it. E.g. maybe an unusually persuasive conversation with someone involved on the Japanese side?

  786. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 8:34 pm

    Ok you got a point there. But I’m sorry if I’m being annoying here, but I don’t see why he should resort to stealing and drug dealing. Would that he used to get money to get out of the country?

  787. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 8:46 pm

    In terms of character likability, I think theft is a lot less serious than violent crimes. As for drug operations, some are REALLY soft. E.g. one major black market activity in the U.S. at present is smuggling/reselling cigarettes tax-free (or selling unlicensed marijuana in a state where a few companies can pay a lot of money to sell marijuana legally, but the licenses are hard to get). Either one of these are illegal, but not likely to repel readers. For a slightly more mature crime, maybe he has a minor role (e.g. a lookout) in PG-13 drug operations (e.g. no juvenile customers, no violence, not a gang, etc).

    “Would that he used to get money to get out of the country?” I don’t understand the question.

  788. Wild_Cardon 14 Jan 2016 at 8:48 pm

    1.I feel like a character being secretly half an alien raises some questions. Among other things, I think that plot development would move the aliens more towards being ~interchangeable with humans and, uhh, personally I’d recommend going in a more unique direction there. (If the main thing separating the aliens from humans is superpowers, personally I’d probably pass pretty quickly).

    Im not not 100% sure on what you mean by this.
    The aliens look similar to humans except they are slightly larger than humans and they have marks on their bodies but physically they are by far stronger than humans and because they understand how to use the energy theyre able to evolve in their abilities.

    initially i wanted the aliens to have a kind of hierarchy and the Heads/Royal Family (who are the strongest of the race), when they come to earth they are more than eager to stay apart from the humans because their only goal was to eventually go back home and reclaim there homeworld and they looked down on humanity and figured theyll only get in the way of their plans. but there were some that thought it was a lost cause so they left and they use theyre energy to make themselves look human but at the cost of their abilities. At first i wanted Alexs dad to be part of this royal family who decided to leave his people to help earth and thats when he met alexs mom (who knew he was an alien) but when the royal family found out they threatened to kill her so he went back. and when he finds out his fathers alive it goes into him finding out who he is and then finding out hes royalty them not accepting him then trying to prove to them that hes worthy to be his dads son. but i thaught that was too much so i changed it but if its good let me know please.

    2.“the good ones were allowed to stay…” I’d recommend a more three dimensional approach to the groups involved.

    well the ones that live in the city have no love for humanity beleiving theyre inferior to them. they could care less about what happens to us or what we do as long as were out of each others way we leave each other alone. so thats why theyre allowed to stay and why the government doesnt try to to kill them or take them hostage. and the other group of aliens were originally “saved” by the other race, they drifted to there planet and they allowed them to stay and for thousands of years they were treated as second class citizens and they eventually grew tired of it and revolted causing the civil war. theyre huge and strong and have really hard skin but have no abilities like the other race but they are great warriors. when they came to earth they were the main cause of destruction and had no problem killing anything in their path. and thats why the government goes after them.

    3.I’d suggest a more coherent conflict between them and their adversaries than a gangster randomly showing up and killing them and then randomly moving to America. (Also, medical research would be sort of an unusual interest for a third-world gang). I’d suggest making it a group which is also active in the U.S. as well (making it easier to make the death of the parents relevant in the present of the story).

    that was the initial plan, an organization from america hired the gang to steal the plans and anything pertaining to the experiments and the guy who killed his parents works for that organization and was sent to make sure the gang did what it was hired to do. this organization turns out to be a well known company known for its breakthroughs in health science but behind closed doors they do unethical human engineering experiments and when the aliens show up they start using them in their experiments.

    thanks for the advice it was great! I hope some of this clears things up. and if any of its good or you guys think some things need changed please let me know

  789. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 8:53 pm

    I’m asking would he use that money to leave the country

  790. B. McKenzieon 14 Jan 2016 at 9:06 pm

    If he had money saved up, and it was his idea/choice to go to Japan in the first place, there might be some costs involved (ranging from normal visa stuff and a plane ticket to potentially a bribe). Alternately, if you wanted him not to have much money for whatever reason, maybe he’s been living on his small earnings and he hasn’t been able to save much. (Or maybe he had earned a lot, but something went wrong and it was lost/stolen).

    Is it his choice? He (presumably) doesn’t have any family in Japan, and presumably doesn’t speak Japanese, so I had thought that maybe someone else was moving him to Japan for some reason. E.g. the guys he’s fostering with in the U.S… I’m guessing that he’s regarded in the foster system as a special case (after the big accident). Maybe he’s staying with someone that has more than a passing interest in mutants rather than just a random foster family? Maybe this group is worried about what he’s doing in the U.S. and thinks he would be a lot easier to manage in a country where he doesn’t know anybody and where crime is super-low? Or maybe it IS his choice, and he’s running to Japan because he thinks that they’d never be able to come after him there?

  791. ChristianRon 14 Jan 2016 at 9:20 pm

    Well ya he is suppost to be a special case in the foster system

  792. Wild_Cardon 15 Jan 2016 at 5:06 pm

    so do youys think this is good so far?

  793. Wild_Cardon 15 Jan 2016 at 5:07 pm


  794. B. McKenzieon 16 Jan 2016 at 4:21 am

    “so do youys think this is good so far?” The premise sounds promising, but the execution (e.g. the characters propelled by this premise, and their central plot) does not feel very exciting to me. Would recommend significantly deeper character development, but I think coordinating any major changes to characters with a group of authors would probably be a nightmare. 🙁

  795. Wild_Cardon 16 Jan 2016 at 9:51 am

    “so do youys think this is good so far?” The premise sounds promising, but the execution (e.g. the characters propelled by this premise, and their central plot) does not feel very exciting to me. Would recommend significantly deeper character development, but I think coordinating any major changes to characters with a group of authors would probably be a nightmare. 🙁
    Could you elaborate more on this?
    what kind of changes do you mean?

  796. B. McKenzieon 16 Jan 2016 at 12:12 pm

    “Could you elaborate more on this?” I wasn’t able to identify any personality trait for either main character, either from the description or their actions. What are some choices/decisions/actions that each character would make that most superheroes wouldn’t have made in the same situation? The plot should give your major characters opportunities to make distinctive/unusual choices — otherwise, they will probably feel generic.

    The alien groups feel like they could use a lot more development. Put faces on them. Right now, it feels like they’re mainly here as a plot device for explaining where superpowers come from. Focus less on superpowers/capabilities and more on everything else.

    Also, umm, the work’s pretty much unpublishable because of the multi-ownership.

    Best of luck with your work, but I don’t think I’m the right person to help at this point.

  797. ChristianRon 16 Jan 2016 at 4:39 pm

    So what if he doesn’t go to japan

  798. B. McKenzieon 16 Jan 2016 at 6:23 pm

    “So what if he doesn’t go to Japan?” Assuming the plot would otherwise be similar (hard-bitten mutant youth… change of scenery… turns things around)… who/what would the central antagonist/obstacle be? Personally, I like the Japanese redemption angle because it raises the stakes (e.g. it sounded like he got along much better in Japan than in the U.S., and the Japanese police could take that away by deporting him, whereas the U.S. could not, and it doesn’t sound like the U.S. is willing to threaten anything significantly more serious than sending him from one foster home to another). So, if hypothetically he did go to Japan illegally or under false pretenses (e.g. maybe he lies about not being a mutant to get in the country, and if Japan finds out the truth they can deport him), that introduces deportation as a very high-stakes and credible threat for him to face. And, also, a threat partially of his own making, which is probably more interesting than just people hating him because he was born a mutant.

    Executing a change of scenery -> turning things around in the U.S… most intuitive approach would be having him on the run from something. In the interest of creativity, hopefully not mainly the regular authorities, but he might not be able to go to the authorities for whatever reason (outstanding criminal charges, the police have never believed him, etc). Maybe he’s on the run from a group with a nefarious or semi-nefarious interest in mutants, especially disadvantaged mutants that might go unnoticed if they were to disappear. He suspects that something is very wrong with the “foster home” he’s being sent to, runs away, and maybe goes semi-homeless or foster homes a good distance away under a false name, and eventually he makes some sort of mistake or they otherwise are able to track him down…

  799. ChristianRon 16 Jan 2016 at 9:46 pm

    So if I were to do anyone of those what sort of villans/story arcs could I possibly do in those settings? Would a group like SHEILD be after him? Would he have to work in a group like the suicide squad? I mainly want to try to do slice of life with heroes secondary, but idk if it would work in these settings.

  800. B. McKenzieon 17 Jan 2016 at 9:55 am

    “So if I were to do anyone of those what sort of villans/story arcs could I possibly do in those settings?” Some ideas that come to mind:

    If the second setting is in Japan:
    –If he was smuggled into the country (or lied to get a visa), a suspicious Japanese police officer or department might pursue him like Inspector Javert or Wu Baijiu in Dragon. You mentioned that you mainly wanted to do “slice of life with heroes secondary,” and personally I feel like this would work the most effectively there — no SHIELD-like superagency needed. The protagonist’s central plot, I imagine, would be if he can overcome his own problems well enough that he can elude a Javert long enough that by the time Javert gets there, the main character and/or the plot might have changed enough that he has an opportunity to survive the encounter without getting deported and/or thrown in prison. I think that taking his problems more internal — rather than defeating someone in combat, it’s probably much more about him needing to grow as a person — which I think would help a lot if he’ll be interacting for most of the story with ordinary people rather than, say, SHIELD agents and/or superheroes.

    –If he was smuggled into the country, a criminal group probably helped him get into the country. This criminal group may know that he is a mutant. Depending on his superpowers, they may call upon him for a job(s) later on. Alternately, if the police start making arrests against the criminal group, the criminals might sell out the main character’s information to the police as a high-value bargaining chip.

    –If he was moved into Japan against his will, the group moving him would probably also work as the antagonist.

    –I guess you could potentially go in a Suicide Squad angle, but I think it’d only feel like it made sense if the character had powers that might be operationally useful. He accidentally exploded a school, which out of all of the mutants on Earth, probably puts him in the bottom 10% in terms of being reliably useful in high-stakes situations. Also, he’s a juvenile, so he probably doesn’t have any highly useful skills. Is there anything else about him that might make him highly desirable for a particular mission? (E.g. in The Taxman Must Die, a tax collector with no special capabilities is targeted for death by a major supervillain, and the villain’s interest in killing him makes the taxman useful to federal investigators targeting the supervillain).

    –I guess you could go in a SHIELD angle, but I think it’d probably take plot changes to how you handle the aftermath of the school explosion. Right now, it sounds like he he isn’t thrown in prison after accidentally killing hundreds of people, and just sort of bounces around the foster system. If SHIELD cares enough about him to pursue him around the world, what were they doing after he accidentally blew up the school? I think this would alter the feeling of the plot — I really like the semi-depressing grittiness to him bouncing around the foster system and the authorities not caring much, but I anticipate that a highly equipped and highly motivated government agency getting involved early would sort of gut that.

    In the U.S.
    –In X-Men, Xavier consistently lies to parents about his academy and what his students do. AFAIK, he has never told parents that he puts his students in paramilitary squads or about the extremely dangerous and usually criminal work they do. Generally he feeds them lines about “it’s an accepting environment for mutants and they’ll learn how to safely control their powers.” In your story, maybe someone offers the protagonist a way out of the foster system that sounds plausibly altruistic (and maybe even is genuinely meant to be altruistic) but turns out to be slightly sinister and/or exploitative (or maybe fully sinister, but I think that’d be more cliche). I’d recommend having this antagonist work more by emotional exploitation than by the threat of force.

  801. ChristianRon 17 Jan 2016 at 10:26 am

    Seems good. Also his powers are inspired by marvel’s blackbolt of the inhumans so he has a sonic scream like his, energy manipluation, a mental sheild, flight and a superhuman physical condition

  802. DancingCaton 30 Jan 2016 at 7:09 pm

    Ummm… Okay…. So…

    My character’s origin story is a little bit of lab accident, but sort of not… Anyways, how do you think I can do this so that it’s not cliche? My character is a teenager who is in an accident (so far it’s a car crash, but circumstances may require me to change that.) His parents work in a lab I have not yet come up with a name for, but they’re working on metamaterial that responds to commands from a computer chip. So far they’re working in the medical field and supposedly the fabric it’s made out of, if put around an organ, can keep it going and functioning. So his parents use it on him…

    I did actual research on this and stared at lots of physics sites for a while and actually, so far with metamaterials, they can make things invisible to microwaves and they’re I think working on making it invisible to the naked eye (kind of like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, though I haven’t actually read the series or watched the movies, my friend’s obsessed with it though).


    Excuse my typing, my brain has kind of stopped functioning in the grammatical sense. And my hands are cold so I’m sucking at typing right now.

    I shall do more research and get back on here… I’m working on flight, as cliche as it is. It’s still cool. I think I am done now..

  803. DancingCaton 30 Jan 2016 at 7:10 pm

    I am still building the plot, but I really need an origin first. It doesn’t have an actual superhero.

  804. B. McKenzieon 30 Jan 2016 at 7:46 pm

    “My character’s origin story is a little bit of lab accident, but sort of not… Anyways, how do you think I can do this so that it’s not cliche? My character is a teenager who is in an accident (so far it’s a car crash, but circumstances may require me to change that.) His parents work in a lab…” Some thoughts and suggestions:

    –I’d recommend working the character’s personality into the accident. Ideally, he was doing something most other protagonists wouldn’t have chosen to do in the same circumstances. E.g. in Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker broke into the lab where he got bitten by the super-spider, which helps develop him more than just being the luckiest student on a class field trip. So, if you use a car crash, maybe something really interesting about the MC caused the car accident? What sort of traits and/or situation might have caused him to drive really unsafely? (I would recommend against something 100% altruistic, like speeding to a hospital to help someone or diving into traffic to save a pedestrian from an oncoming vehicle — most other protagonists would have done the same thing, so it probably wouldn’t be as distinctive/memorable as options a bit more morally gray).

    –I’d suggest thinking about moving the miracle operation from the parents to an outside party. My thinking is that it’d probably help develop the characters and/or develop the plot if the MC is getting the operation for some reason besides being born to the right people. Also, I think it’d be helpful if the provider expected something in return, whereas parents would probably just do it altruistically (which doesn’t create as many opportunities for plot development as an exchange would). So, here’s a possibility: the parents have something the medical provider wants very badly (e.g. maybe one of the parents is a politician or prosecutor or cop or something), and the medical provider agrees to do the miracle surgery if a parent provides shady, possibly illegal assistance (e.g. sabotaging a criminal investigation or a pending law or something else that sketchy miracle doctors might need). Hopefully this would create more plot development moving forward than a miracle operation provided free of charge.

  805. DancingCaton 30 Jan 2016 at 7:55 pm

    Thanks. About the parents thing, the actual peoples in charge of the thing weren’t going to use it on humans without testing it first, so his parents kind of did it without permission.

    Also, it was his sister driving him.

    And, I’m thinking about having it be made of metamaterial that’s, how would you say it, fused into his skin so he can’t take it off. But it’s not really visible, so people don’t question why he’s wearing chain mail or whatnot. I’m debating between continuing it in a graphic novel/comic or a writing.

    And also, it was either the suit or getting him zapped in a ray, which was the first idea I came up with. And that one’s horribly cliched so it got brushed off within three days…

    Should I have the computer chip embedded in his cerebral cortex so he can mentally control the suit? It would be cool but possible over the top. This whole area isn’t something I’ve been writing for a while, mostly it happens in my brain during school so there’s no real need for absolutely perfect character origin…

    I have no plans of publishing, except possibly on a website.

  806. DancingCaton 30 Jan 2016 at 7:55 pm

    I am still totally building this thing and it changes every day.

  807. B. McKenzieon 30 Jan 2016 at 10:10 pm

    “I have no plans of publishing, except possibly on a website.” Ah, okay, hopefully others can help.

  808. Andrewon 02 Feb 2016 at 7:07 am

    I was just thinking. Would a character’s origins be ideal for issue #1 of a comic book series or that they’ve already started their hero careers?

  809. B. McKenzieon 02 Feb 2016 at 8:16 am

    Hello, Andrew. Personally, I’d recommend starting with the characters in their careers (the pacing and plotting will probably be easier), but both are widely used. If you do go with a character’s origins, please cover some character development and plotting ground besides just how the character(s) gets their superpowers.

    I’d recommend avoiding a situation where, at the end of #1, the only thing we know about the characters is how they got their powers and that they’ve joined a superhero team. Developing the characters more would probably be more promising.

  810. Wild_Cardon 17 Feb 2016 at 11:49 pm

    I got this off this site and i feel its helped. so i was wondering if this character sounds like he has a unique and distinguishable personality that will be likable

    1.  What kind of person was your hero before he got superpowers? (A friendly but awkward nerd? Guilty of CIAing while black? A disgruntled accountant?)

    Hes a hard ass that always keeps to himself and never makes any close relationships or goes out of way to help anybody, except for one girl who he acts like he tolerates but enjoys having around and never pushes away like he does most people and he would do almost anything for her. He also has a strong bond with his mother and younger sister. He hates the city he lives in because of all the crime but he finds ways to “survive”

    2.  What sort of job/educational background does he have? (Do these affect his superhero career?)
    Hes still in high school where hes on the wrestling team. He trains in boxing and he goes to underground fights to help his family pay for things they need
    3.  Why should prospective readers care about your hero? What is it about his background that will appeal to them?
    4.  What’s the character’s language like?  Will he sound any different from the other characters in the story?
    Hes a hothead who portrays that he only cares for himself but his actions show hes trying to help others, going against his “only the strong survive” attitude.
    5.  How old is he?
    6.  What kind of goals did he have before becoming a superhero? What kinds of problems?
    he wanted to become a professional fighter so he could provide for himself and his family. He gets in trouble a lot for fighting in underground fights so he has a juvenile record. he grew up without a father and has a lot of anger from that. Hes close with his mom but she hates that he wont stop going to fights and wants him to be better. Hes a good student but doesn’t have any friends except one who always with him and is always trying to show him a better way of looking at life which he refuses to see
    7.  What sort of problems did his world have before he became a superhero? Did he notice/care about these problems? (Or did he have a happy and carefree childhood until he saw his parents get murdered?)
    Since his city was ground zero when the aliens arrived there has been rebuilding going on and most of the city was left to rot. By the time he was born the city had become a slum with a high crime rate and at a young age he came to realize that you have to be strong to survive in a place like that so he started training to fight and to keep himself away from any unwanted problems. If he saw a mugging or a robbery he would not go out of his way to stop it because in his eyes that person should not have been weak enough to allow that person to mug them and the place should have taken precautions so they wouldn’t get robbed. But one day he does see a girl in an alley about to be raped by a group of guys and he starts to walk away but then turns back and fends the guys off long enough that the police were called and showed up. He is not happy he got the shit kicked out of him and scorns the girl for allowing that to happen to her. but the girl ends up as his friend
    8.  What does your character think about his world? (Mostly happy? Looking to escape? Looking for something more?)
    He wants something more for his mother and little sister and wants a way out of the city and to a better life and he doesn’t care what happens to him to get it. from growing up in the slums his outlook on life is that the only way to make it in life is to be the strongest and the toughest and that’s why he begins fighting to be as strong as he can be
    9.  Is there anything in your character’s past that he regrets or will regret, like nearly joining a gang or failing to save his uncle?
    His friend gets hurt in a “mutated” attack and is severely injured and put in a coma and he regrets not being strong enough to protect her and always putting on a tough demeanor around her and not being who she thought he could be
    10.  Does your character’s background make him a better superhero?  For example, Superman’s side-job as an investigative journalist frequently gives him leads to look into.  Many heroes have scientific or technological skills, etc.
    His experience fighting helps him against enemies and growing up in the slums he knows a lot about the local gangs and how they operate and he has connections from underground fighting
    Origin Story
    1.  Was he born super?
    he was born from an alien father and human mother but his powers were suppressed because he never knew of them and so never trained to use them. He finds he has powers when his school is attacked by a mutated person and he tries to protect his friend
    2. Did he choose to be a superhero? Why? (Which personal feelings/experiences influenced that choice? Losing a loved one to criminals? Being a disillusioned cop? A desire to escape from a dull routine?)
    after his friend gets hurt and put into a coma when a mutated person attacks and hes unable to protect her even with his newfound powers. He first decides he needs to get stronger and he begins training and fighting more. And he begins to feel hes getting nowhere and then he sees someone getting mugged on his way home from the gym, normally he would keep walking but he remembered how his friend always told him he has the strength to make up for other peoples weakness and help them and make a difference even if its as small and insignificant as keeping someone from getting beat up. So he helps the person and he starts going out at night looking for people getting mugged, robbed, or raped and it escalates into fighting small gangs and mutated people.
    3.  If he did not choose, what caused/forced him to become super? (A physical transformation? Conscription? Forced servitude?) Is he attempting to become normal? How and why?
    In a way he feels obligated to for his failure protecting his friend and hes always felt the need to be the strongest and find a way out of a bad life for his family
    4. Was he chosen to become a superhero? Who chose him? Why? (Maybe she won Amazonian trials or aced secret tests embedded in a standardized exam).
    5. Assuming that your character was not born super, what caused him to become super?

  811. Fairystailon 27 Feb 2016 at 5:52 am

    An idea for me is
    okay basically it’s an average zombie apocalypse you know people are dead, world is run over etc etc quite boring really 😛
    however Zombies are known as UnDead for a reason, they are not technically dead, not technically alive either and as a result this messes up with Death’s great list. now Death up until that port was sentient but didn’t actually care about human’s or life it was just a job and Death took pride in doing a good job. With the list being thrown off by the zombies death was no longer doing such a good job and decided to try and fix it. However it needed a physical presence on earth and ended up possessing someone’s body.
    I see the story going sort of like “hey it’s john rogers, wow you are one ugly zombie. Let’s see when do you are you meant to die? Hmmm five minutes from now? John can you stay still for five minutes? No John you can’t eat me. bad john.”
    Also how the hell is this thread still going after so many years? it’s Amazing.
    Does this thread have an origin story?

  812. B. McKenzieon 27 Feb 2016 at 8:06 pm

    “Does this thread have an origin story?” If it does, it’s long since been lost to the ages. 🙂

    Regarding the Death/zombie story: I like the premise quite a lot, but is there anything at stake here besides Death’s pride? Also, can Death actually lose?

  813. 36tumon 14 Mar 2016 at 5:02 am

    hELlO! ty for you attention! be care from east

  814. B. McKenzieon 25 Mar 2016 at 10:51 am

    “I’m writing a series about my character, StarGirl, and she got hit by a neutron star that gave her powers like flying, invisibility, forcefields, and starbolts out of her eyes. The villians she faces, however, never experienced that, but Sam did, and she got the power of time-stopping, and there is a chance that her mom, who, unbeknowst to her is BeamGirl, experienced that as well.” I’m not sure if the origin stories involve interesting character choices (e.g. maybe something unusual they were doing that caused them to be in the path of the neutron star), but it’d probably be helpful if they do. Also, assuming your goal is professional publication, when you’ve finished a draft, I’d suggest revisiting the names.

  815. Tyleenia Tayloron 29 Mar 2016 at 1:28 pm

    Good day, BM. I recently had a good idea for a story. I’m not sure if the ‘origin’ quite works. Basically, it starts in the future, with far-out tech. The man stumbles across a group of ‘illegal’ scientists working on an ‘illegal’ project: time tra