May 29 2008
How to Write Origin Stories
Here are a few tips to help you write better origin stories for characters in superhero novels and comic books.
1. Give us a reason to care. This does not mean that your character has to be similar to your readers. However, if your character is a prince from Atlantis or an alien emissary, you do have to convince us that we should care about his story. Readers tend to prefer stories that feel relatable. Although you can probably convince readers to look at a book about Atlantis’ court intrigue, it’s more of a struggle than selling a story about Peter Parker, the guy next door.
One way that you could help readers care about a highly exotic character is by giving him a few distinctly human characteristics. For example, even a savage alien warrior might have an affection for his family that seems positively human. For example, I have a picture for you…
This alligator’s smiling hatchling makes him looks very friendly. You might even forget that he’s a 750-pound predator! Does your character have a highly unusual origin story? In what ways will we relate to him?
Finally, it may help to show the character interacting with a familiar human culture. That will help us compare and contrast the foreign culture to our own and we will probably empathize with an alien struggling to fit in. For example, would an alien know how to use a doorknob? A doorknob’s function is not at all intuitive. I think readers would sympathize with anyone who struggled with something like that.
2. Don’t make your hero a Chosen One– give him a chance to prove himself. Characters generally make their strongest impressions on us as they fight through adversity. But if your character was born into a highly powerful caste or inherits some great power, that robs readers of the chance to see him prove himself. How has your character earned his story? For example, the Green Lanterns recruit someone only after they have proven themselves worthy. Likewise, the Amazons choose Diana to be Wonder Woman not because Diana was born a princess, but because she snuck into the Amazonian trials and won the competition. She became Wonder Woman despite her high birth, not because of it.
If you would like a character who has an unusual birth story, I would recommend making him the victim of chance. Instead of being born a prince, make him born into a low caste. Instead of making him an object of unbridled admiration, like Eragon, may he has to overcome widespread doubt and/or contempt.
3. It may be useful to tie your character’s origin story to the villain’s plot. Ideally, your hero will have some link to the villain. At the most cliché level, the villain killed the hero’s family or received his superpowers in the same accident. (Fortunately, you can create more original links in your story).
Spiderman has an origin story that builds a tight plot. Spiderman gets his superpowers through a scientific accident, like his archrival Norman Osborn. The two also share a personal connection through Osborn’s son and, more importantly, they are moral foils. Peter Parker’s morals center on several ideas: “with great power comes great responsibility” and that revenge is rarely satisfying– his attempt to get back at a wrestling boss gets his uncle killed. In contrast, Osborn believes that power and entitlement come hand in hand, which is why he kills his business competitors. Finally, there’s a strong white-collar vs. blue-collar aspect to the fight, which is especially compelling because the series doesn’t romanticize poverty too much.
One example where the origin story leads to a random, jumbled story is Static Shock. Although he receives his powers in the same accident as his villains, he doesn’t share any other links with them (personal, ethical or otherwise).
4. Is the character’s background too exceptional? For example, instead of being just a soldier, your character is a Navy SEAL. Instead of being just a government functionary, he’s a cabinet secretary! Instead of being a corporate flunkie, he runs the company… he won a Pulitzer…he’s won several Nobel Prizes, etc.
It’s much harder to write a gripping story about Bruce Wayne (the company’s owner) than Peter Parker (an entry-level nobody). No one’s going to get in Bruce’s face like a supervisor would. Additionally, someone who has truly mastered his sphere, like a Navy SEAL or Nobel-winning chemist, will probably be completely self-confident. Real people sometimes doubt themselves, so they can relate to heroes that have some doubts. (However, for a mainstream story, pushing the self-doubt too hard will drive the story into emo wangst territory).
Alternatively, you might want to use a character who has an impressive but low-ranking background. For example, a Wall Street stock-broker or Army sergeant are not especially high in their respective organizations but either would have many useful skills.
5. Give us a chance of a happy ending. If the character’s origin story hinges on an overwhelming tragedy, what’s he fighting for? No matter how many criminals The Punisher executes, it won’t bring back his murdered family. Your ending doesn’t have to be happy, but if readers think that a happy ending isn’t possible, they probably won’t care about the story. Effective tragedies usually generate drama by playing on the readers’ hopes and expectations that the ending will be happy.
If you plan to use a tragic origin story, I’d recommend looking at Spiderman and maybe Spawn. Even though they’ve lost loved ones, these characters still clearly have something to fight for.
This is very helpful.
What’s a good way to do a good origin for a human character?
Well, for a beginning author, it will probably be easiest to work with an origin story that is familiar to your readers. For example, Peter Parker, Static Shock and Harry Potter are pretty much in high school at the start of their stories. If you’re working with a story that is more fantastical than those three (for example, one that’s not set on Earth), I think Luke Skywalker has another basic, relatable origin. However, please do not take inspiration from the new series. Destiny and the “chosen one” detract fromLuke’s Anakin’s character development…
[B. Mac adds] Although basic origin stories are more relatable, a novice writer can probably handle a more exotic origin if the story lies in that direction. But you have to ask yourself whether your hero really needs to be an alien prince rather than something more mundane. Even the introduction of something like a magical or psychic hero into an otherwise realistic story will probably make publishers uneasy.
…Luke wasn’t the chosen one though. Anakin was
This is a very good list. I’m trying to write my first superhero story, and I like the advice this gives.
Ok, I’m writing the character’s origin story… Jamal lives in the inner city of Pacific City. He is struggling through life and he is always in trouble. His parents decide to send him to a government sponsored camp to straighten them out, unaware that a covert section of the government called Project Vector is taking these kids to do genetic engineering experiments. They subject Jamal to gene manipulation and they endow him with the ability to have his body produce a type of biokinetic energy which he can use to fly, shoot energy beams from his hands, a degree of superhuman strength, durability and endurance. They see that he is excelling in his abilities but need better results from the rest of the testees, so they subject them to more gene manipulation and there is an accident and they all acquire super powers, but here is a huge fight and they all escape including Jamal.
What do you think?
I mostly liked that, Armond, but I have some observations.
1) In a previous post, you said that Jamal would eventually put his mother in a coma. If he has escaped from a military testing project, it might be a bit harder for him to return home to his mother… wouldn’t Project Vector look for him there? You can get around that in a few ways, though.
A. Jamal goes into hiding with his mother.
B. After the huge fight makes the news, the military disbands Vector and Jamal is free to go home.
C. Jamal does not go home, but manages to recklessly inflict a coma on his mother anyway. For example, let’s say that he’s been living on his own and he robs a bank to help pay for something his mom needs. He intends to drop the bag of cash off at his mother’s house so she will find it. But Project Vector agents were waiting at his house and a fight ensues. In the fight, Jamal accidentally puts his mother into a coma rather than allow himself to be captured.
2) I like “Project Vector.”
3) Let’s assume for a moment that Project Vector’s tests go perfectly. What was it planning to do with the kids? Does it just return them to their parents, even though the kids will all report that they’ve been the subjects of illegal and unethical military experiments? Their new superpowers would be indisputable proof. The conventional way to explain this conundrum would be to have Vector plan to kill the kids all along, but the parents would inevitably raise questions about why hundreds of kids died at summer camp. Also, the kill-them-all strategy would make Vector look a bit cartoonishly evil.
I had an idea that Project Vector would be like a black ops military branch and that there was a secret genetic arms race going on between global powers. But since it’s technically illegal and unethical to manipulate genes and DNA on a public basis, they use the delinquent and other so called government camps to collect teens. When the allotted camp time is up, since they have had access to their DNA, the Project sends back clones to the unsuspecting parents all the while keeping the originals as government metahumans.
Hmm, that’s interesting… remind me never to send MY kids to summer camp, haha.
If the government is able to clone the kids, one thing you might consider is that the government sends the real kids home and then does the experiments on the clones.
Yea. I thought about that while I was drafting scenes, but I can’t seem to come up with a better solution. Do you have any suggestions?
Here’s one possibility…
1) Vector sets up a fake summer camp to do tests so that it can establish a safe and reliable genetics program that it can use on soldiers. Soldiers are far better candidates for the super-soldier program (they’re more restrained, willing, better-trained, and more mission-orientated than a bunch of inner-city kids pretty much stolen off the streets). But the enemy superpowers are getting too close and there’s no time to waste on animal trials, so Vector plans to use inner-city kids that were probably going to end up in prison anyway.
Vector’s plan was this: test on the kids until the mutagen was safe and reliable. Then it would wipe the kids’ memories, deactivate their superpowers and send them home because they are no longer needed– at that point, Vector would bring in willing soldiers for safe tests and all would be good. But the plan falls apart when something goes wrong and the kids break out. Suddenly there are many superpowered teenagers with behavioral problems running loose.
At this point, the plot might go in one of the following directions…
POSSIBILITY 1-A: Vector sends in its own men to attempt to recapture as many of the kids as possible. Depending on how desperate the situation is, you might have Vector use its mutagen on its own people at this point, even though the mutagen is still highly experimental. (You could make one of Vector’s agents into a minor villain this way, but it’s probably too cliche to use for the main villain).
POSSIBILITY 1-B: Vector gives up on the idea of recapturing the kids and tries to silence as many as possible. The ones that try going to the press die in one accident after another. If one of them is a friend of Jamal’s, that’s something that might compel him to get more involved in the plot.
Can you think of any other scenarios where they try to accelerate testing and cause an accident or one of the kids formulates an escape?
Hmm, let me try.
Let’s say that Vector starts out with reasonably ethical plans. Their schedule calls for using mostly test-animals with only supplemental tests on the teenagers. Then a crisis or near-crisis erupts. You mentioned before that Vector was racing against enemy superpowers. Well, the crisis might be that one of the other superpowers makes an enormous and/or horrifying leap in genetic engineering. The Pentagon comes to Project Vector and says that “we expect that the Chinese [or whoever] will have an army of superclones in approximately 18 years*. We need this supersoldier program NOW.”
That would put a lot of pressure on Project Vector to cut corners with its experimentation schedule. Instead of carefully developing safe tests on mice then working from mice -> monkeys -> teenagers -> soldiers, they might cut straight to teenagers.
I think that accelerating testing could easily create an interesting moral dilemma with two sets of three-dimensional characters: a government agency pushed to violate its citizens’ rights for (what it sees as) the greater good on one hand, and the kids on the other. One option you have to develop the kids is that delinquent inner-city kids are frequently gang members and they will probably not get along with members of other gangs. So we would expect that at least some of the kids at this camp are going to fight with other kids because of gangs (and maybe racism, if you’re comfortable with that). As the kids realize that they’re being exploited by the camp, I think you have a great opportunity to show the characters gradually overcoming their former animosities amongst themselves to band together and break out.
As for formulating an escape plan… I would just try to keep in mind that your prisoners are street-savvy teenagers rather than criminal masterminds, so their plan doesn’t have to be extraordinarily technical or brilliant. It could be something as simple as figuring out when there are the fewest guards at the camp and then determining how you could initiate a riot at that time. (This sort of thing actually does happen in juvenile halls).
If you’d like to make things more complicated, you might also consider giving the teens an ally at the camp, maybe a guard who feels a bit uneasy about being as strict as his supervisors want him to be. But I would caution that books for younger readers frequently suffer from the “deus ex parentis” problem, which is when an adult swoops in and saves the day. I would make sure that any supportive parents are limited to a minor support-role rather than anything really important.
*In real-life, cloning does not create a copy with the same age and memories as the original. The clone is actually a new-born, so allowing for a gap between the invention of the cloning process and the eventual arrival of the clones as a militarily significant force is realistic. (If this 18 year gap concerns you for whatever reason, you can use a line or two to explain that the clones are designed to age more rapidly. That has worked quite nicely before).
Let me know what you think.
You present really interesting ideas and I thank you for them. I think that I have enough information to at least get going. I will let you know how the book goes. Thanks again.
I saw a similar picture to the gator one. It was on “I Can Haz Cheezburger?” There was a tiger cub being hugged by a woman at a zoo, and it had the caption:
“Your so naice, hoomin. I eets yoo last.”
I forgot it was going to grow into a huge predator, even when being reminded by the caption! But it was so cute.
Haha, that’s pretty funny. If you could link to that, I’d really appreciate it.
Here’s the picture of the tiger getting a hug:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/08/12/funny-pictures-i-eets-yoo-last/
Hilarious.
Aadrello Tegee is a big time graffiti artist dreaming of turning Neocomet City into his personal gallery. Despite his notoriety he is broke and homeless. His immoral dreams are halted when the city and the sector (the cluster of planets it belongs to) are cast into a depression. Thus, the city lost its gleaming, inviting appearance as well as Aadrello’s interest (who wants to ruin something that’s already ruined?)
He was rollo-blading from the police(as he usually does) when an intricately designed book fell to the ground near him. Thinking it could be worth value he scooped it up and eventually eluded the police(as usual). Later, he skimmed through the book and learned that it was completely blank and that the pages never seemed to end, he thought that it would make an awesome sketchbook. The next day he was about to draw in his new sketchbook, when he opened the book he saw that all his finished works had somehow been copied into the book. Soon after, he realized one of his drawings had been parading around the abandoned house he spent the night in. The drawing explained that the book was called “Animata” and was passed through history to great artists to help them accomplish what they most desired. The Cyborn Moon had been tracking the progress of the book through time in order to destroy it and its user(seeing as it can only be used by a chosen artist). In their attempt at destroying the entire planet, for resources as well as the books’ destruction, they failed to kill Aadrello who escaped thanks to his new ability to animate pictures.
Just to sum up his origin story, he learns to effectively summon his drawings and creates a costume for himself, he becomes “Sketch.” Alongside his two partners, “Mz. Corpse” and “Emerald,” he fights to defeat the Cyborn Moon and free the Omniverse from oppression and tyranny.
Is there a question I should respond to here? Or would you just like general impressions?
The plot seems functional, sort of like Star Wars with an urban twist. I think the names are still a bit extravagant, but you’ve mentioned that those are set in stone, so let’s try to improve what we can. Hmm. When you write your proposal, you should indicate who you think the book will appeal to and why. Give a few reasons to help the businessman reading your proposal understand why your book will be financially successful. Ideally you’ll draw on comparable examples of comic books that have succeeded in the past few years.
If I were trying to sell your story to a business, I might look at series like Star Wars (10-20 year-olds love sci-fi action), Spiderman (kids love young, poor protagonists) and Green Lantern (your hero and he share vaguely similar powers and both stories are space operas).
Haha Space Opera, I’m actually pretty glad you like it, I thought you’d be like NO!, THROW IT OUT!! haha
Publishers will reject the vast majority of stories almost instantaneously (before the reader is done with the first page). I am fairly confident that– assuming you get a good proofreader on board– your piece will survive to page 2. And that, in itself, is a major accomplishment.
How encouraging, haha.
A frighteningly large proportion of novel manuscripts get rejected within the first sentence.
I honestly have no clue as to what to title my book/comic. I don’t want to say something and then have it posted in “Bad Titles, that Can Be Fixed.” Could you suggest something?
You guys know my story. The Cyborn Moon (or whatever I change the name to) is a galactic superpower that want to destroy any chance of uprising and dominate the universe. Aadrello “Sketch”, Irabella “Mz. Corpse”, and Jornai “Emerald” are the three main characters each strong-willed and young. The story is based on multiple planets, each completely unique in both appearance and government. Along their “path” to get strong enough and defeat the Cyborn Moon, they meet many other heroes as well as minor villians. Once they do finally defeat the Moon other sequential good and bad things will happen, thus continuing the story. At least that’s what I’ve got so far.
Got any ideas? I’m stumped.
What do you think about the title “Shooting the Moon” ? It has some rhythm and a sci-fi vibe that I suspect will attract the right readers.
I like it. It also has a “shooting the breeze” rhythm that reminds me of the main character.
Thanks.
Flare Blade, I responded to your question here.
Ok, I’m still working on the Hellions, but this is another idea for a story, well the character’s origin at least. I got this idea after watching Dr. Strange: Sorcerer Supreme and thinking are there any young, black, and male magic superheroes. None that I can think of.
Ok, Boy (no name yet) is an inner-city black youth. Just so you know he and Aadrello are very much alike, except he doesn’t do graffiti, he just draws (I like artists). Boy is constantly picked on for him personality and his different style (very white-boyish, I didn’t want a stereotype). He is lower middle class, borderline poor. He thinks very positively and hopes to be great someday and get out of the hood.
This is the other-side of his origin, the mentor’s side, they will tie together.
The Whatever Magic Coalition (no name yet) sponsors the search for the next group of great Mystics, to watch over the realms. Hundreds of sorcerers and sorceress, including evil, are to train one pupil into the next greatest sorcerer(ess). It’s become sort of a contest. Weird Wiz (no name yet) is a notoriously eccentric wizard who although is a ditz is extremely powerful. He goes to Blank City or Ville (no name yet) to find his pupil, by randomly searching crowds for youths that he deems fit.
This is where the stories ties. Boy is at school in his last block class, having finished his work before the others, as usual, he begins to draw on his hand. He draws a series of circles and lines in no definite pattern. He doesn’t think much of it. School is out and Boy rush to someplace to urgently do something (I know, it’s still under heavy construction) while running and not paying attention he crashes into Weird Wiz and they both fall. As boy helps WW to his feet, WW senses the well known incantation drawn on Boy’s hand, Boy just thought it was a drawing. WW only says “I’ll you around, Boy” (but says his real name), freaking Boy out.
WW later wisps Boy’s astral body to his home in that is between many realms, and offers apprentenship. Before Boy can quickly refuse, WW puts on a flashy show, showing Boy want he could do if he was his apprentice. Boy is amazed and accepts, signing a contract. Boy then wonders why him. WW says because Boy already already knows magic, he is the best pupil (the hand incantation). Boy states that, that was just a random drawing wherein WW bursts into laughter and say “So I poisoned you (the hand grab), to test you and you didn’t even know Ha, I could have killed you”. WW takes it jokingly, but Boy wants to quit, too late he already signed the binding contract.
The really interesting part is how he has to use his powers but I’ll explain that later. What do you think of this origin, What I hope to accomplish is make becoming and being a mage a structure system with tests and a heirarchy, instead of just you learn magic to a degree and claim the title mage or sorcerer or whatever. Suggestions? Opinions?
They are for the most part on earth and are human.
Look up, It got erased from the recent comments. I will add more serious factors to my story. I don’t want it to fail. I think it’s a fresh idea that COULD work.
Oops it wasn’t erased. It was camoflauged though.
Camouflaged? That’s weird. Hmm. What do you mean by camouflaged?
Because the two titles on the recent comments looked similar, I thought they were all “What Origin Stories are Plausible” comments so I put on here and then I saw the difference.
OK, R.B. I glanced through your story and I think it has very much potential. I suspect that setting it on Earth will help quite a lot. Another factor that I think is a big positive is that the story feels less like a magical superhero story (a la Sailor Moon or American Dragon), but more of a real-world magical fantasy like Harry Potter or So You Want to be a Wizard. The distinction probably feels very minor, and maybe it is, but I think that more publishers and readers will go for the magical fantasy than a magical superhero story. Anyway. Enough hair-splitting from me.
I think that the aspiring borderline-poor protagonist is very strong and has a lot of dramatic depth. I think that him being black will also help your marketing efforts and may help distinguish the work from books like Harry Potter.
I like the connection between the boy and the wizard, although it seems maybe a bit contrived that the wizard just happens to run across the boy that just happened to draw a magical incantation. It may be problematic if the boy is chosen because he was born with great magical potential, for chosen one reasons. That’s pretty easily fixable, though. For example, the distinguishing trait of the boy could be that he’s a very quick learner and observant. If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art, I think he might feel a bit less like a chosen one.
I think the story might benefit from the injection of more competitiveness. For example, perhaps the wizard has selected several pupils and plans to gradually send them home until he’s down to just one. That would give the protagonist many chances to demonstrate his skills against students that are just as interested in becoming the wizard’s one pupil as he is.
Quoting you… “What I hope to accomplish is to make becoming and being a mage a structured system with tests and a hierarchy, instead of just learning magic to a degree and then claiming the title of mage or sorcerer or whatever. Suggestions? Opinions?” Could you elaborate on that?
If I understand this right, you essentially want to make magic into an accredentialed guild where your ability to call yourself a mage of rank [whatever] depends on how well you have performed on the guild’s standardized tests. So magic would be less something that you individually could do on your own, and something that was regulated from above? That’d be an interesting twist, I think. The danger is that the hierarchy might get burdensome to explain. I think the later Dragon Knight books spent too long explaining the organization and ranks of wizards…
I do realize that if I want an older audience,which I do, I’ll need more serious aspects. I can make the the origins of the search more dark. There have been magical murders or an evil entity is destroying realms and I can make death a more normal story aspect. For example, some competitors might tell their students to kill or be killed to take out the competition. Teen death always make stuff more serious. There can be time when WW and Boy go to magic death scenes and study them. There will also be demons and dark entities so, all in all, I definitely feel this would appeal to older readers.
I like the idea of giving the wizards some underlying motivation for putting together the search. That will make the stakes higher and give the boy something to do after he wins the competition. (Erm, assuming he does. He doesn’t have to, of course).
As for darkness, I’d recommend looking into The Dresden Files as an example of a magical story that worked on a very serious, noir level. With demons and mangled victims!
Yeah, like not anyone can just be a mage you have to be granted the title. I think I could regulate the hierarchy to work and not overload the reader with ranks. You could do it on your own, but you’d probably be doing it wrong. I love the suggestion for a competitive team, it creates alot more drama. I don’t fully understand what you mean when you say “If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art” you mean like he drew a picture of the incantation?
One of the things I like about this story is that the protagonist seems pretty cheerful and proactive. Even though he operates in a world that will sometimes be dark and horrible (particularly when demons and killer competitors attack), his positivity will help keep the world from feeling overwhelmingly bleak. It will also help keep him likable. Everyone likes a go-getter…
I’ll have to pick up “The Dresden Files”. And I still have to make him meet the Wiz someone. Maybe after he draws the incantation, he runs away ,and all of a sudden the Wiz is right in front of him and uses a binding spell while talking to his.
Basically, Boy and his fellow competitiors are known as “Ordained Mystics” for as long as they are contracted, unless they win the competition. Ordained mystics have a limit of their power equal to their ordainer and must use an object as a familiar, they have to channel their magic through a certained predestined object in the beginning of their magic learning. They go through a different exercise every week and someone is eliminated and mind wiped if they don’t meet the standards. I want The Wiz’ team to have odd famaliars seeing as their teacher is eccentric.
Could I recommend “neophytes” or another single-word in place of ordained mystics?
Works for me. I looked it up. It works.
I’ll start coming up with details soon.
I still don’t understand this exactly “If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art”, you mean he draws a picture of the incantation? or a picture of what the spell conjures? Even so he’ll still have to meet the Wiz somehow.
I think what I was envisioning was that the wizard is walking from the home of one prospective student to another. At some point, he pulls off to an alley to work a spell by drawing a set of runes. He thinks he’s alone, but the hero somehow watches him (either from around the corner or from across the street).
A minute later, the boy tries redrawing the runes with his photographic memory or whatever. This alerts the magical authorities because an unauthorized wizard just performed an illegal spell. The authorities call the wizard because they knew the spell was his (perhaps the spell was so eccentric that he was the only one who could have been the spell’s owner). When the wizard realizes what happened, he sees a fantastic opportunity to gain another apprentice for the contest. So he claims that the protagonist was his hero all along so that the police will let him go.
What do you think?
Hmm, you just gave me an idea. Earlier you said “That will make the stakes higher and give the boy something to do after he wins the competition. (Erm, assuming he does. He doesn’t have to, of course).” Maybe he shouldn’t win, but at this point he would have a common understanding, so he would still worm his into magic society and “the final battle”. If he lost I would make it so that he still has close connections with his master, so he can still become a “certified” mage and continue his training. I think the twist would be so deliciously juicy, it would throw the reader, who probably thinks he’ll win, off and have them on their toes.
If I’m following this clearly, two elements of your plot are:
1. The students are competing to pick a wizard to get trained and beat on some really powerful evil wizard.
2. The student that wins will go off to fight said wizard.
Another possibility is that the student loses and he illegally goes off to fight the wizard anyway, without any sort of authority to do so. He might not even have the mentor, but rather a team of students that also failed in the competition. I think that could make sense if the wizard somehow commits some grievance against them over the course of the competition, and it is clear that the person that won the competition is not really the most qualified to face the wizard (because he cheated or whatever).
The students (plural) that win will fight said evil entity, but each wizard can have only one winning apprentice, who will then go on to compete to be in the small group of final winners. I look your idea for how Adrian (the Boy) gets chosen as an apprentice, I like how the spell is so eccentric that it has to be the wizards. I’m still kind of fuzzy on your idea, there has to be a way for Adrian to continue his training, preferably with his eccentric mentor (of course there would be reasonable space betwwen the characters at this point i.e the wizard is assign to jobs and Adrien does tasks alone).
You really confused me with this “The students are competing to pick a wizard to get trained and beat on some really powerful evil wizard.” the wizards are picking the student, they train along the process and are ,one my one, eliminated if they don’t have adequate skills. The final three go to the magic society (no name yet) and go into more rigorous training. Two are eliminated leaving one winner per master wizard. The winners go into a tournament to prove themselves, whereafter winning they are part of the mystic group (no name yet), this is (possibly) where I’ll have Adrien fail, but his teacher being a rule-breaker continues to secretly train him instead of mindwiping him and sending him home.
Quoting your comment at 6:42 pm, you said that “There [may] have been magical murders or an evil entity is destroying realms and I can make death a more normal story aspect.” That’s what I was talking about with the evil wizard.
OOh, blonde moment. I get it now. Okay so now that I have the origin set up, I can start with details I will post accordingly. Teacher alert!!! I’m in class. Talk later haha.
I’ve been toying with an idea. What if it was a failure that brought the hero into whatever the heck he ends up doing? I thought of this in class today.
A boy of fourteen opens his mid year exam results as he walks home from school, sees that he failed (again) and angrily screws the paper up, throwing it down on the ground. Then he realizes that his parents will want to see them, and he’ll be in big trouble if he doesn’t bring them home. A gust of wind picks it up and flings it into the air, and he chases after it. They land in the local park, and when he picks them up he inadvertently pulls on a piece of material that’s partially hidden by grass and dirt. Curious, he pulls harder and finds a rosewood box which has a strap attached. He takes it home. He opens it later and finds a message from (undecided) who want him to (undecided). I think it’s a nice little start.
This boy is extremely selfish and decides to use this to his advantage. He could do with disappearing for a few days because he thinks his parents may go easier on him. But this adventure is harder than getting top marks in class.
Interesting! Now let me tell you the origin of Ragged Boy. I was just an ordinary black gothic kid, nevertheless, I was relentlessly picked on and beaten up. I tried to be happy, but people kept crushing my little dreams. My parents never loved me they sent me to an asylum for crazies, but I wasn’t crazzy, I was angry.
I hated them with all my heart and I would make them and everyone else like them pay. I consulted some of my goth friends to help me perform a ritual of death, when I got out of the asylum. I was going to contact death and ask him a favor, I wanted a universal voodoo doll. Everything about the ritual was set up flawlessly, I was going to get what I wanted. Death stood before me, My heart pounded with fear and rage and happiness and a bunch of other emotions. But, It didn’t go how I wanted it, Death taunted saying “How dare a whelp like you summon a great entity”
“No!” I cried out “I understand my place, I just ask of you a favor of you Dark One”
“A FAVOR??!! I am Death, I don’t grant favors, You make me look like a fool” with a swing of his sickle, he killed all my friends.
“Why them?” I yelled
“If you want me to kill, I’ll need lives as payment, these will do HAHAHAHA” Death said laughing at me “A voodoo doll is what you want?”
“Yes” I said trembling
“So be it” Death vanished as the darkness engulfed me. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. A large needle and thread began ripping through my body, blood and flesh fell eveywhere. I passed out from the excrutiating pain. When I woke up I felt different, when I moved pain weaved throughout my body. I pulled myself to a mirror, I screamed at what I saw. Large black threads had been crudely weaved throughout my face and body, my skin looked like raw brown strips straw material. In addition, I had a poorly painted black heat where my heart once was. I understood, Death made me into a voodoo doll.
After a few days locked in my room, my body became used to the unceasing pain, I could move again at will. I had also developed a few other abilities, I could make the black thread and manipulate them, I could also wish bad luck on people, and turn back to human form at will. After gaining a personal item from my mom and dad, I tested my final ability. Their items melded with me and I had total control over them, I decided to kill them, I plunged a knife into my heart spot and watched them drop in agony. It was fun.
Death had given me what I wanted, in an odd way, but he had given me what I wanted. It was time for revenge, once I made thos kids at school pay, slowly, I thought I’ve got quite the knack for this. I became Ragged Boy and I would serve under Death, doing hid bidding as well as my own. No one would cross me ever again.
Yep, that’ s my origin. I’ve taken a break from “business” to have a normal life for a bit.
I posted this in response to TRW. I was bored. This is 90% made up.
Hey, the trio is back!!
I have a question; as to whether or not this will work for an origin story. Soo…my character grew up in a very part of his town, lots of gangs and such, and his father died in a gang shootout. So when he’s walking across the street, he almost gets hit by a car, and his powers activate. He leaps out of the way. He’s not very powerful, but he has basic personal gravity powers including leaping and enhanced reflexes, and is very flexible and athletic otherwise. So he uses his powers and becomes an urban superhero. What do you think? Is there a possibility he will be totally screwed against armed gang members? Btw, he also finds his late father’s riot gear and wears a kevlar vest and wields a police tonfa.
Slight typo. “my character grew up in a very bad part of town”. My bad, I’m a bit nitpicky.
I think you would need to go more in-depth as to why he has latent powers in the first place. Is he a metahuman, an alien, or whatever? I think his actual origin story is OK, but you could probably come up with something more high-stakes. Maybe, he was chased to a rooftop by a gang and had to jump from building to building or he’s playing basketball (or whatever) and he jumps super high and dunks the ball.
I don’t recommend putting his leaping powers under the gravity category, unless it is actual relevant to the story or he gets more gravity-related powers.
I don’t think he would be that bad against gang members, but giving him a little more of an edge over them my help him. Kevlar and tonfas will help him, but maube martial arts skills or master evasive skills.
If you really want to go out on a limb, I’d recommend probability manipulation, slight control over good and bad luck in dangerous situations. But, that’s only if you want to.
He works out a lot and is naturally flexible, and has some fighting ability. Basically, I didn’t want to make him very powerful at all, and his gravity powers only apply to himself, so that’s why he can manipulate his personal gravity to make longer jumps and can run faster by sort of bounding. He can also extend his gravity powers beyond himself enough to change the direction of a bullet, but this is extremely tiring. Should he have some sort of short-range telekinesis or what? I kind of didn’t want to explain the origins yet…but would it be cliche to have like the gang leader gain superpowers as well? I do need an origin for the powers though, I’ll think on that one. By the way, he’s called “X the Unknown” and wears a green hoodie with an X spray painted white over the chest, and he marks his “territory” by painting an X over the gang’s graffiti. I mean, is that an okay hero concept?
I think the gravity control would work, I’d recommend giving him a little more leverage in his fatigue parameter. Don’t make it so tiring as he will probably need to
deflect quite a few bullets.
I’m glad to here you’re coming up with an origin for his powers, readers would get angry if there was no reason he got powers.
I like this hero concept, it’s interesting. He seems to have a possible solid goal, cleaning up the streets so that will add to his appeal.
Thanks! Nice of you to say. Would it be cliche if a leader of a gang/bully got superpowers and fought him as well? I’m not really sure how I’m gonna go about that.
It may feel a little contrived. I suggest something that altered the gang and their leader to get powers unless X’s origin doesn’t apply to just him.
Another situation is that the gang leader might deliberately look for a way to gain powers, but that might feel a little odd as your average street thug has zero scientific knowledge. Or your could have the hero do something that gives him his powers or makes him a villain. The + for this is that it lends itself to irony and usually creates cool villains. The Joker and maybe Venom are the only examples that come to mind.
Hmm, that would be really neat! Perhaps he replicates this. Maybe, if X gains his powers from an extreme fight-or-flight response (like almost being hit by a car) maybe the gang leader gains his in the middle of a shootout with a rival gang? I’ll think on it. Good idea though.
So, I’m guessing this must be a race of dormantly enhanced humans whose powers activate in detrimental situations. Clarification is still very necessary.
If this is a superhuman fight-or-flight response, your origin becomes easy to explain as a bonus. You could say that this is potential in all human beings, but is usually only unlocked after years of training (thus explaining martial arts masters like Bruce Li, Jackie Chan, and Chuck Norris). However in some individuals, a surge of hormones breaks the psychological barrier altogether and voila! Superhuman.
I could have thought of that if I wasn’t so sleepy.
I love all this advice cause it’s really helping me and my sister with our two series. But that whole “Other than the fact that Static Shock got his powers from the same place is villains and thats the only link he has to them” is wrong. Some of those kids attended his school, like Hot Spot or whatever that guy’s name is.
Hmm, I don’t know all that much about Static Shock. I’ve only seen a few episodes, maybe 5. Anyway, the impression I got was that the ties between SS and most of the villains are not very strong. In contrast, a few of Spiderman’s villains are quite close to him. For example, Norman Osborne (the Green Goblin) is the father of Peter’s best friend and owns the company that was responsible for the spiderbite. Curt Connors (Lizard) is a friend of Peter’s and is one of his professors. Eddie Brock (Venom) competes with Peter on the job and is sometimes a romantic rival as well. Those sort of personal connections can help tie the hero to what the villain is doing.
However, I think that this is one area in which comic books and superhero novels are different than cartoon shows. On most cartoon shows, most of the episodes will be standalones, so you just need to introduce a random villain and have the hero save the day within 22 minutes. Personal connections aren’t really important. In contrast, I think that plot coherence (trying to tie all the aspects of the plot as much as possible) is more important in comic books and particularly novels.
How did I miss this many posts? It seems like there are like 30 comments here that I never got around to responding to. Hmm…
What if there were a character from a distant galaxy in a cluster of thousands, previously unknown to humans despite thriving on Earth. He’d have a human-like image to blend in on Earth. With his superior knowledge of other worlds and technical advances… he’d be an escaped slave fugitive escaping his home galaxy, which is ruled by a corrupt king/self-proclaimed god.
B. Mac,
Don’t drop the ball! lol
JONGEE,
I’d like to help, but I can’t understand what you’re asking… could you elaborate? Are you asking if this is an OK origin story?
Jongee, I have a few questions and observations.
–What are some of the distinguishing personality traits of this character?
–Do you have any humans lined up for this story yet?
–If you’re doing a novel, I’m not sure that this plot will stretch out far enough (70,000+ words?). Are you thinking about doing a novel, a comic book script, or something else?
creating new story .. all advise and opinions welcome…aspiring writing …
abilities : superior knowledege of all worlds and technologies..
faster , stronger , super sensess , ‘
my vision is all to clear but it preety much that unknownto earth this a galxy out there in the universe conducting life in a star wars type of manner to say .. planets ,, other life froms galatical goverments .. and politcal strife.
yet for earth .. earth happens to be the maricle planet in the universe at the bary egde of space traped merge between two galaxies .. the milkyway and the sagurtarious dwaft galaxy therefore for eons of space time the planets in our solor system have been cut off . making it the last unknown part of space .. so when he travels here its completly an acciedent a universal discovery a a new world adding him in his escape in a stolen space pod wit a type of gps tracker .. ..which will one day lead his chaser right to him. but he doesnt know when ..
with earth current technologies he’s trapedd untill albe to fix his ship . .and get of this planet..
his mission is to get home .. save his people from captivity..
while traped on earth he adapts to the human race and falls in love to have an earth child ..how?? dont know yet..?.. i have ideas but know noval experience ..?
earth was an accident billions of years ago a merger between galaxies of the milkyway and sagutarious drawft brought a mars size planet in conatact with earth.. creating our moon.. in some strang way the actual earth history will be explained by and alien lifform.. from our alaged gods to what wiped out the dinosours ….
before humans and even when humans existed earth was visited in secrete.. where earthling were thought certain skills and giving certain tools which added our species to evolved so rappidly… yet earth as a planet was never useful our solor system was to unpredictable ., filled with disaters of planetary porportions .. .some where by the end certaint humans on earth will gain gifts of sorts .. and aid the alien in protecting out planet form an envasion … my world in set in the future but we yet discovered the ways of real space travel yet we have put a man on mars …im think 2100s time line the worlds is difrrent from now but our but its clear when it comes to space we have much to learn and fast.. anyone interested or is this un thinkable?
Just shooting a few ideas out… This site is good. I’m envisioning a script for film one day. I’m a pretty good artist, but the comic industry seems to have been taken over by Marvel and DC over the past century.
Dark Horse is pretty popular…
As far as your ideas go, they seem pretty epic in scale. Perhaps you need to minimize, or focus in one aspect first… then flesh out the history of man and the milky way.
I’d suggest fleshing out your main character and main villain, and a bit of a backstory (as in why exactly he’s running away).
Also, like B. Mac said, deciding if this is going to be a comic or a written novel would be pretty important so you could figure out what you are going to be able to do… as in writing, or drawing the scenes. (My preference is comic, well, manga actually, but to each his/her own).
Again, like B. Mac said, what kind of hero is your main character? Anti-hero (goes by his own rules) or boyscout (tells the truth, never kills, etc.). Is he an intellectual genius or just a mechanic? And how is he going to free his people?
I ramble… and apparently only quote. (B. Mac, you got a fan here).
I agree, because you have a very complex plot with alot of backstory, tell us a little more about the main character(s). What personality does he have? What makes him stand out?
Also, I’d be careful about having a race of homo-superiors (better than humans in ever way) they tend to get annoying.
My brain is off right now, so I’ll try to help a little later.
I wouldn’t say the Marvel and DC have taken over, because if they had there would be no comics. Both of those companies are incredibly difficult to get into. I suspect it would be easier to get into Dark Horse or Image, and then (somehow) move into one of The Big Two.
In 2008, Diamond Comic Distributors reports that Marvel/DC sold 78% of comics sold in North America and took 70% of the total retail value of comics sold.
That’s a pretty strong market position, but not as dominant as the big two in some other sectors. For example, Internet Explorer and Mozilla have 88% market-share among web-browsers. In 2002, Windows was used as the operating system for 94% of computers. Currently, Windows accounts for about 88% and Apple for another 10%.
I’m not a huge fan of Marvel or (especially) DC, but it doesn’t surprise me that they sell substantially more comics than anyone else. They have notably high production values and deep rosters of popular characters.
What about this as an origin story. A meteorite crashes at my character’s school, emitting radiation that causes people to develop abilities.
Lol. Like Meteor Man? (The movie). I thought that was a pretty cool concept. I’d buy that, but I’m not as picky as some others in this site (not that that’s bad, though; sometimes you want to stay away from the tried).
In the movie, a meteor crashed onto him and sank into his skin, giving him powers like knowing what’s in a book just by touch, and super-speed, flight, etc…
If I were you though, I’d wait for advice from the smarter people around here; they usually give more in-depth advice and pretty good suggestions.
Meteor Man… I’ll have to watch it. It sounds cool.
Yeah, it’s pretty cool in my opinion. One more tid-bit of info that I liked: He can fly, but is afraid of heights, lol. Though it’s a little comedic, it does get a little dark (what with crime and all).
Hmm… let’s see if this link will work…
To be blunt, meteors are kind of corny, at least in my opinion. Its workable no doubt, but it seems as though it would reflect poorly on your stories world. A modern society like ours would easily be able to predict if a meteorite were to strike the earth. They would then take precautions like evacuating people or cutting off the city power supply to avoid overloads.
I think a meteor shower would be better than a single meteorite. I suspect then you could make the meteors small and minimalize the damage inflicted to the city. Although, they would be small, in abundance, it’s believable that they could produce enough radiation to mutate people.
I like the meteor shower idea… though it’s not impossible for a single meteorite to get through our “defenses.” If one were to come from the direction of the sun (and not get pulled in by it) we’d by chance miss its presence. Though highly unlikely, it could happen.
One big worry in the “meteor watch” community is that one could creep in from the sunny-side. Since the Sun wouldn’t reflect light off of it, so that we could see it, it wouldn’t be visible to us. That’s what I believe from what I’ve read and watched; though I could be wrong. Meh.
Here’s one scenario. A meteor is tracked to swing by the Earth, but in a safe and worry-free orbit. Terrans (my word for Earthlings – Earthlings just sounds weak to me) adjust orbiting satellites to travel out of the meteorite’s way… then through human error, two satellites collide (it has actually happened) and the debris they leave behind knock the meteorite towards the Earth at the last second. It crashes. People get powers. Etc. Just a suggestion.
Isn’t that a bit over-complicated for an origin story?
“Radiation from a meteorite [shower] gave them superpowers” vs. “Well, firstly . . .”
Anyway, I think a meteor has been done a lot (I’m not an expert though), but I think a meteor shower is a nice little twist from that. Nice idea, R.B.
If we get ideas from what you other people say, are we allowed to use that or is that considered stealing?
We wouldn’t give you ideas if we didn’t want you to use them. Unless the idea is strictly related to a particular story, I think it is free to use.
What ideas did you have in mind?
When I hear stuff, sometimes I get ideas for a way to twist it a little and use it. I like the meteor shower idea, and my mind started rolling. But I don’t wanna be a thief. You feel me?
I don’t think it’d be a problem.
I was brainstorming and I thought of another origin story. Tell me what you think.
Emma is having a party at her house that has, surprisingly, been organized by her nasty father. Her father is really using this party as way to test an serum that would allow people to develop abilities.
Hmm. I wouldn’t recommend going down that angle unless you want to make her father the villain.
I think it’s an interesting tweak on the mass transformation idea. However, you would need a good reason as to why he would test experimental serums on teenagers, let alone, his own daughter. His reason would have to be deeper than him just being a cold person, you can be cold without being evil.
Well, I did want her father to be a potential villain. He is a ruthless, domineering, cold-hearted old man.
Wade, maybe you could have her father work for the U.S. Gov. Maybe he volunteered to use his daughter and some of her friends to test the prototype drug. Does that make sense?
I like Emma, though. She is a really cool character. Hey, I was wondering if you are gonna allow her to completely manipulate sound. Such as erasing sound so she can be really stealthy or she can turn up to deliver offensive attacks? Just wondering.
yeah that could work thank you
well Emma ablilily is going to grow a lot of different ways like you said about the stealth use and i had an idea that she could create thunder send send sound vibration to destroy things she is gong to be able to do alot more than scream loud
Ok, I have now settled on my origin story. It took a while, but I think it’s good.
It starts with a wealthy, powerful organization that has existed for decades. Its main objective is to hunt down and exterminate superhumans, people they call naturals. One of these naturals has been hunted for his entire life and has lost much of his sanity. his power is to infuse others with powers, but most of the time this leads to their death (either because the organization kills them or because they simply can’t handle their powers). This Natural then infuses my characters at the school.
Hmm. I think that has potential, but there are problems. Why do these characters in particular survive? Why are these characters chosen? This could lead to a ‘chosen one’ feel.
How exactly does the natural give your MCs their powers?
Well, I was thinking that he gave these teenagers to make a team of artificial naturals to help him combat the organization. He simply found teenagers who he thought showed potential, and focused on teenagers because they are easier to manipulate.
I need some help on how the natural guy power works.
I’m guessing you could make your giver’s powers work by:
Genetic reconstruction as in he can take apart a person’s DNA and fuse their chromosomes with something that works towards whatever their power would be and then puts the DNA back together.
Or
Gene Awakening, you could say that everyone in your story’s world has a superhuman gene, whether dormant or active. The giver character has the ability to awaken this gene in a person, giving them powers.
What do you think?
I like the second one better. Thanks.
I’ve lately realized (after reading Ender’s Shadow) that origin stories with protagonists that were originally guinea pigs for genetic experiments are VERY overused, yet VERY effective in some ways.
If I were to fabricate a character that was the spawn of a mysterious experiment, granting him paranormal abilities (*cough* psychic power), how would I be able to use that, but add uniqueness to it to make it stand out.
Hmm, that’s a doozy of a question. Maybe if the protagonist knew what the experiment was and volunteered for it, instead of being an unwilling, unsuspecting guinea pig.
It seems like everything has been done for that field already, you may be able to come up with something new, keep thinking.
Alternatively, you could try to come up with a completely new origin.
Uh, thanks.
How would I be able to get my own review forum? I have a couple of ideas 4 graphic novels(though they all don’t have the experiment theme) but i need help with the execution. Me and Asaya share an e-mail
Ok, Gurion Omega. I set it up here. A three minute turnaround may be a new record for us.
Great advice! But what if he was altered in utero, as a child?
Or maybe when they messed around with his genetic structure, they made sure to erase the part in his brain which has memories, so he doesn’t know he had been a guinea pig, he thinks he already was born like that (half the truth).
(This is another unrelated question)
It would be a awesome psychological theme if maybe they conducted those experiments because they tried to ‘create’ their own messiah, which would sort of make the reader ask: How far would humankind go to save the world?
Also, maybe the tale could be told from the perspective of the chosen one’s shadow, or maybe friend who always had the lousy end of the stick? The chosen one could even get murdered somewhere in the course of the narrative, and he decides that he should try to do what his buddy (he may even begin to resent his bud) failed to do (of course he ain’t a mary sue!)
He probably wasn’t chosen for the task of universe saving because he didn’t have the persona: He was shrewd, selfish,and screwed up in ethics/morals?
I always thought a ‘save the world’ story told from the perpective of the plucky sidekick would be interesting. It’d be nice to see what Best Friend REALLY thinks of Action Hero once in a while.
Thanks. I’ve just got a review forum, from B.mac.
Uh, disregard the head message that’s there. I wasn’t being very serious when I wrote it, sorry.
Age Range:13-19
Some Themes: Coming of age, redemption, destiny, the psychology of being one-of a kind.
Well, of course any critique is welcome, and in return, I will help give advice to you if you need it.
I have multiple ideas, and story-lines, which will be updated whenever I get the chance.
Hi.
I’m creating a superhero series with my friend.
We have really gotten into the series and we have created a lot of villains and plots.
It starts off with our young heros (based off my self and my friend and, well, the rest of our friends) discovering we have powers. My friend discovers he can animate drawings first in the middle of an exam. Later the living drawing is sapping him of energy to stay alive and myself and my friend try to find the paper to which we can return the drawing.
After we did this we walk and talk about powers and (without us knowing) we are watched by an agent from a company called Voytec inductries who specialise in abilities and generaly science fiction phenominone like battlesuits and force fields.
This is where the first episode, section or issue ends
After this we test our powers and discover i have powers too (which is the ability of Mass cellular regeneration, never die).
Long story short i would like some advice on how to improve the origin story!
thanks for your help
Hmm, I have a few concerns:
-Firstly, how do you and your friends get powers in the first place. Readers may find it very unsatifying to not know any type of origin for their abilities.
-Basing characters of yourself and friends can be an issue. Are the characters actually you and your friends? Or just slightly different reflections? Making characters after yourself usually lends itself to Mary Sue-ism.
“After this we test our powers and discover i have powers too (which is the ability of Mass cellular regeneration, never die).”
-This could be very problematic. What’s at stake for a character that can’t die? Most people like superheroes because they risk their lives to saves people. Without that risk of death, the fighting seems pointless (“if he gets stabbed in the chest, he’ll just regenerate).
- I like the power to bring drawings to life. I have a character who can do the same thing.
” (without us knowing) we are watched by an agent from a company called Voytec industries”
-I think you should show this a little, instead of keeping us out of the know. Maybe a shadow here, a passing figure there. That would give you at least a little foreshadowing and add to the suspense.
I read your wiki and Mass Cellular Regeneration seems like it could be a problem.
It’s too powerful. A person can come back after getting his head cut off is taking it a little far. You could only kill this character in elaborate ways i.e. drowning, explosion, acid bath, although I’m not even sure that would work.
I’d recommend toning this power down. Right now it’s like a god power and makes the character immortal and that can definitely be a problem. Some regeneration is fine, but right now it’s a little much.
I think mass cellular generation is cool. Im not tryna disagree with Ragged Boy Im just gonna put my point of view out there. I think it can be similar to invulnerablity. You can set up a few weakness, maybe a certain type of metal or Voytec develops a weapon that works against the healing factor. I dont know but i think sometimes you need characters with godlike powers. That way it allows for you to explore different emotions. Maybe the character is the type who doesnt think about his life and makes rash decisions even though he is a part of team, which puts them in danger. Idk thats how i feel about it.
Thanks for the comments. I’ll try and answer each problem or comment one at a time, Ragged Boy.
The powers are a genetic trait, like on Heroes or Superman’s powers.
chemicals are released by the brain and the cells absorb them enabling the abilities.
your right about the mary sue thing (exept like a max sue or something as i am male) i tend to write like this except i go back and change it. And to be honest the wiki i made isn’t that accurate. i tend to rable on. you can check the activating evolution website it has this stuff too.
basically he can heal from most wounds but some are tough and some are impossible. cuts easy. decapitation, early on it’s impossible but becomes hard. standing at the center of a nuclear explosion, impossible.
with the agent. at the end, the point of view or focus changes to the agent on the phone saying “i think AA-001 is developing his ability” but longer.
Well heres the thing. invincibility is a powerful ability, it can be almost god like as its in general better to never age or die than be able to rust objects.
speaking of which the characters later develop secondary then thirdonary (thats not a word) powers. these third level ones are most powerful. the main chacracter gets the ability to control energy. another character, gravity and myself power absorbtion
might i also ask? which pages did you check on the wiki?
Hmm. I’m not sure what your plans are for this story, but let’s say that you’re interested in getting it professionally published someday. If I were the publisher’s assistant looking at the story, I would have several concerns.
–When the characters are based off the author and/or his friends, they tend to be Mary Sues. Unless the story is a memoir, the audience doesn’t want to know what the author would do, they want to know what the characters would do. I would recommend adding distance between you and your friends on one hand and your characters on the other.
–Ragged Boy didn’t really rip the story to shreds. See this comment for a run-down of some of the reviews I’ve received. If you attempt to go professional, you too will face much worse than what RB has just delivered.
–Your story would be easier to read if the grammar and punctuation were smoother.
I apologize for the fault in my grammar.
As i noted before, i do write my character as a mary sue but after i read an article about it i discovered it would be bad. So since then, i have edited the stories afterward so they are not so super-me based. I can also say one character i based on a friend, when i write him, is completely different from his reallife counter part.
I observed the comments you have recieved, they are harsh.
Thank you for the comments
Hello everyone. I have recently started creating characters for a story/novel about superheroes. I came across this site, and would like to put some information here to get some feedback.
The main hero’s name is Shadowblazze. Soul City is the largest city in the world. Not an overwhelmingly crime ridden city by any means.
It is however an amazingly ambiguous city. Where the good can go bad, and the bad may turn out to be good. Choices are always about, and for Soul City, the choice between good and evil seem to arise. Strange things are known to happen there. Periodically throughout the long history of the city many things have taken place. But well, that is for another story. For now we will focus on one particular incident. 50 years ago in Soul City there was a mysterious string of children being kidnapped. All were five years old at the time. no one knows exactly what happened. Mysteriously after five years all of the missing children were found, more like delivered. Each found in perfect condition near the closest precinct of their original residence. The children appeared to be ok, with no signs of being hurt, but each had a single round scar on their neck. The children had no memory of the years they were gone, in fact their memories stop on the day they were kidnapped, and resumes on the day they were found. The children were reunited with their families and went on to live normal lives. In fact all of them went on to grow and have children. It is not until this generation does anything extraordinary happen.Thirty years after the incident children of soul city began to show unique abilities. Some where captured, some ran away, after seeing what happened to the ones captured, families began hiding their childrens’ abilities. Powers often manifest at a time of emotionally charged events.
Shadowblazze, real name Khalil Nyte, Is the son of A professional martial artist very driven and focused on being number one. Natrually he passed on his strong work ethic as well as his quest to be the best on to his son. Trained in the deadliest, most effective of martial arts from a young age, shadowblazze is an expert fighter.
Very mellow even personality, a man of few words, but warrant for his conviction.
One day when he was 14 Khalil was training alone with his father. In an intense battle he was losing and nearly out of energy. With his father antagonizing him, Khalil became unusually enraged and his power manifested for the first time. A blast of dark energy emitted from his body, sending his father flying across the room. From that day forward Khalil vowed to never lose his temper and become so enraged again.His father taught him never to tell anyone about his power, and to hide it, because he knew what the effects could be. While Shadowblazze never revealed his secret he did, however,always train and hone his abilities in secret.
At about the age of 18 a many other powered beings began to emerge. Wrongdoers, using their power for personal gain. It was then that khalil assumed the name shadowblazze and began using his abilities to fight the evils of soul city.
While he was very powerful in general, it wasnt until he met a mentor that he unlocked his true potential. one night after a big battle
khalil, was wiped out, and surpassed his limits for the first time. It was then that another powerd being named Zenpai found him and took him in.
Zenpai was about five years older than shadowblazze, and much more experienced. He took shadowblazze in and helped him to master his power,
and taught him the secret of concentrating his powers at will. Not until his training with Zenpai, did shadowblazze create his two most devestating techniques Midnight sky and Dead zone.
Well that is pretty much the basic of Soul City and my main hero Shadowblazze. I am still in the works on this project and creating characters and many plot lines. Any feedback would be great. Thanks.
Hello, Darkness. Here are some thoughts and suggestions.
–I’d recommend spelling “Shadowblazze” as Shadowblaze.
–I like the name of Soul City. It’s got an interesting sound combination.
–I’m not sure I understand how Shadowblazze fits into the backstory. Is he one of the kids that was kidnapped when he was 5?
–What’s the hook here? Why should a publisher publish this story rather than another superhero story?
–What’s Khalil’s personality like?
–What’s the plot like? What is Khalil trying to accomplish?
–I don’t think being a professional martial artist is a particularly interesting side-job for a superhero.
–The origin story feels very removed from Khalil. I’d recommend considering an origin story that is tied to the actions of the character. For example, Static Shock had his accident because he was at a gang-fight. Wonder Woman won the Amazon trials because she is an impressive Amazon. Daredevil was hit by a truck full of chemicals because he pushed someone out of the way. In contrast, this origin doesn’t show us as much about Khalil’s choices and capabilities.
–Would you like a review forum?
To answer what you have written:
His father is one who was kidnapped at the age of five. And it is the children of those kidnapped who get the powers. The small round mark on the neck is an insinuation of genetic manipulation, that i didn’t go into detail about yet. But this didn’t affect the children, but their offspring, which is how Shadowblaze’s generation gets their power.
The hook for the story will be this. That one i am attempting to create something different. So as i read this entire site, it seems that all superhero stories will consist of the same things, i.e. day jobs, certain re-occurring powers etc. But what i am trying to accomplish with my story is more with creating a new interesting combination of powers and their use. Also the extreme ambiguity of what it is to be a hero, but also be human, subject to emotion and decisions. This isn’t going to be a standard hero is perfect story. I want it to be very graphic and extremely detailed in the sense of battles, and how a powered being uses their powers in an extremely human way, as well as exploring what a real person does when faced with moral choices. For example, To kill mercilessly a villain or evil being within the universe, or to take them into custody. Both choices have the same result of removing the evil threat, but what you choose to do reveals more of your personality. With that being said, i want to exploit that in some ways killing The enemy could be more human like than throwing them in jail.
Khalil’s personality is that he has become very mellow. In control type, level and even headed. He is a decision maker. Very strong willed, with a soft side for the subtleties of life. A Very reliable Friend in his normal life. However, he stands to protect, but his justice is unrelenting, and doesn’t hesitate in battle, and defeats his foe’s mercilessly.
Khalil is not the professional martial artist, his father is, and teaches Khalil the martial arts in extreme fashion. This harsh training from his father is the event that unleashes Shadowblaze’s power, hurting his father. Because of Khalil rage that day nearly killed his father, he vowed never to loose his cool in that manner again, which is why he becomes, a very level headed and in control. He doesn’t allow himself to lose control for fear that he may destroy innocent people. I havn’t made a decision on his day job yet.
My plot isnt 100 percent made up yet. For that matter neither was this character, but im trying to get pointed in the right direction. Here is what i have so far.
In the coming years after Khalil realized his powers, slowly but surely stories of other powered beings began to arise. News castings, and amateur video of amazing feats. Khalil instantly recognized that these individuals had powers such as himself. As time went on more and more began to show up. Most were found when they initially awakened. Then the crime began. Powered beings, robbing banks, mugging people, and so forth. By the time Khalil was 18 there was seemingly an outbreak of Powered crime. One night while walking home Khalil saw a woman being attacked. He ran over to help, and noticed that it was a powered being attacking the woman. For the first time outside of concealment, Khalil used his power in a battle with the unknown powered being. Khalil won the battle and decided he would do it again. From then on Khalil would recklessly go out looking to fight other evil powered beings. One night while out thrill seeking he came across a robbery. This would become the toughest battle he encountered to date. Khalil went in to find the family tied up and began a powerful battle with the powered being. Being pushed to his limit Khalil lost his level headed composure and became so enraged that he once again unleashed a powerful force. In this instant Khalil defeated the powered being, but also killed the family he came to protect. Wiped out and unable to move Khalil was saved by a man named Zenpai. Upon recovery, Khalil vowed to always fight and protect the innocent, and never let innocent people die again. It was then that the mysterious Zenpai told Khalil that he could train him and unlock his true potential, and from then forth he took on the Name Shadowblaze.
That is his basic motivation for fighting.
The rest of the universe unfolds with Zenpai. Who becomes Shadowblaze’s mentor. Zenpai and four others are the oldest of the powered beings. They are all ranging 28-30 yrs old. Zenpai was an orphan taken in by a man who ran a dojo. The genteman had many orphans with whom he adopted. Within the dojo the children trained and were taught martial arts. It was in this dojo where Zenpai and one other (not yet to be named) Where the top students. Their power were awakened together in a private lesson with the sensei. Upon this happening the sensei secretly trained the two to control their power, the best he could being a non powered individual. It would be this relationship that will spawn the future conflict of powered beings. Together the two dojomates found a way to become more powerful and unlock hidden potential in their powers. It would go on that These two were the only who knew the key to doing this. But in true fashion, one would choose the side of peace and the other for the side of power. It will also turn out that The man taking in the orphans knows more about powered beings than it seems.
Hopefully that clears some things up for you. It has definetely put some ideas in my head thanks for your feedback.
darknesslives.
you’ve got a good story line here! its pretty impressive.
i’m hoping you’ll explain later who took the 5 year olds and why. i’m kinda curious.
Secondly, what ever the people who took the children did, how come it only effects there children? not them.
“So, as I read this entire site, it seems that all superhero stories will consist of the same things, i.e. day jobs, certain re-occurring powers, etc.”
I don’t think you’re giving us enough credit. Some of us do try to come up with superheroes and concepts that are completely fresh. For example, how many superheroes do you know want to be movie-stars or models?
By the way, Hello Darkness. Nice to meet you.
Here are my concerns:
-If Khalil is a mellow character that will kill(?) his foes mercilessly, I doubt that will reflect well on his likability.
- That’s a lot of backstory. How would you go about handling to not make it look like a huge flashback.
-The origin story feels a little detached from Khalil. How necessary is it that the older generation be the one’s kidnapped and mutated? If it’s not that important, I think you can change it.
-I like Soul City, too.
Hello Ragged boy, nice to meet you as well.
My comment was not to discredit the site at all. I wasn’t talking about the stories that people have written, i was commenting about what is expected to be in a superhero story. It just seems so formulaic. This is just my opinion in general, that in order to have widespread appeal, that your hero have all of the same finite ideals that you can find in every single story.
The thing about Khalil is that his mellow in control personality, is his defence mechanism against his amazing power. That being said, as his regular self his personality is such, but as a hero he becomes more ferocious. Using his sense of control and sense of justice, as conviction to carry out his battle and or killings without becoming overwhelmed by emotion, causing his power to become uncontrollable as in times past. The overall feel that i want to come across in Khalil’s personality is that he isn’t a brute by nature, but for the right purposes he does what is necessary to be effective.
I want the tone of my story to be gritty, edgy, and borderline. In a world where most people are not definitively good or bad, but have to make choices. The same choices that you or i or anyone could be faced with. The purpose is to also explore those regions of ourselves that at times thirsts for chaos, that wishes for revenge, and use that in a context that is not so “right and wrong” based. The characters have the ability to do things that normal people could not do. In certain situations, if we had the ability to do things differently then we would. I wish to exploit that within powered beings who, are in a position to do things differently, because now that they have powers awakened within them, their choices become more of who the really are and what they truly believe. Its easy to be a face in a crowd and blend in with conformity, when you haven’t the power individually to make any change, but what if you had power? What if with your power you felt you could do something different, how would you do it, which ideals in life appeal to you now. That is what i wish to explore, what power manifests within the human heart.
About the back story, you make a good point. It does seem that there will be a sick flashback. I am working on it. i very well may start the story when Khalil is younger and go from there, instead of having to explain everything. But that is why this site is great because your feedback made me realize that.
This is also a good point. When wrote that, what i was going for was a bit of mystery about the genetic manipulations. I didn’t make Shadowblaze’s generation subject to the genetics, because i didn’t want to run in to the whole government experiment thing, and then a whole operational thing, i just thought it was overdone, as well as government isn’t my style. The reason i chose the parents is because, the would have been injected to be carriers of the genetic material, that would be passed down to their offspring. Also i didn’t want it to be so easy for people to know the identities of the powered beings. If i would have injected them directly then two things would happen, one it would be easy to trace the powered orogin to the children who were kidnapped. Two it would put a limit on how many powered individuals i could create. By having the offspring of the children get the powers i can create infinite characters and powers at different levels.
Thanks on Soul City.
Thank you for the feed back, please keep it coming. As you all give me feedback it helps me tweak my story.
Speaking of origins, here’s The Facade’s:
First, a bit of backstory: In this alternate reality of Earth everything is pretty much the same. Except the existence of superheroes has affected the history of the world, slightly though. Many people have come to accept costumed vigilantes and villains. The government has made acts and laws accordingly. One branch of superhero-ing is spokeshero, being a sponsored hero for pay. Usually, you don’t actually have to be a hero, you only have to do one heroic deed, but some actually are.
Jackson Grey in a high-school graduate and aspiring model. He lives on his own in New York and is constantly looking for model castings to find work. He’s taking a year-off from school to “find himself”. Unfortunately, he is unsuccessful in booking jobs. While out for a casting he is spotted by an amatuer designer for Masquerade Fashions. The designer introduced him to the relatively new company and offers him a position- as a spokeshero. They need a spokeshero to spread their name and gain them popularity. Jackson is reluctant at first, he never really got into the whole superhero thing, but he accepts. After all, he only has to do one heroic deed, right. And it would help him find recognition in the industry, right*. The lead designer gives Jackson the first prototype Facade suit. Consisting of only the mask and gloves at first. Upon wearing the costume he has an empowered perception and his gloves give off a negation shock capable of shocking people and stoping bullets via catching them.
(*A spokeshero must keep their identity secret to the public for safety reasons. However, the sponsor for that hero can disclose this information to other companies, upon the heroes consent. This is how a model can still get recognition and credit as a model)
He becomes Facade and embarked on a simple crime to stop. He spots a mugging and pursues the criminal who has stolen the bag. However, the criminal leads Facade into a crime den. From there Facade performs a relatively sloppy job (I’ll have to keep this sloppy, but make it as though he proves himself of some level of competentce) of apprehending most of the criminal. However, over the course of doing so he stumbles across something big. Because he made multiple busts on his first night out, he is catapulted to spokeshero stardom. This forces him to continue his work as the Facade, as part of his contract, and unraveling the mystery in question.
He’ll eventually go on to get the full version of his suit, including his blast boots. He’ll encounter Porcelain, his main competiton/love interest that gives him hell. And eventually they will join forces to stop the Big Bad.
It still has a lot of holes to work out, but I really like the concept. The main focus of the story is the reluctant romance between the Facade and Porcelain. So I’d, reluctantly, put it in the genre of Superhero Romance.
What do you think? Particularly, do you see any holes? I’ve seen most of them, but multiple opinions would be very appreciated.
Sharing his identity with other modelling agencies seems like a really big weak point. I hope that comes back to bite him, otherwise it might feel a bit cheap that his identity is so readily available.
I feel like the story is bending over backwards to include superheroes as models. I mean, it’d be one thing if it were just one model that happened to be a superhero on the side, but it seems like being a superhero/model is part of the modeling business in your world. That seems like a really odd way to run a modeling agency, and I think it would really help if your story presented a reason why the agencies run themselves that way. For example, perhaps the modeling agency is a front for something else, like a team of superheroes or a paranormal investigations agency, etc. Maybe the hero is going undercover as a model to keep another model safe. Etc.
Also, on an authorial distance note, I am not sure whether readers will be as interested in modeling as you are. That’s one reason I would generally suggest not giving the main character a job you have or want to have. This is a problem I’ve run into repeatedly…
Oh, ok.
I think I may just drop the setting and the idea and use the characters in a different story. Maybe that heist story I was thinking about. I like heist stories.
Know any heist story books?
This site is a godsend for me in my downtime of ‘authorhood’. I’ve been compelled to write the story playing in my head onto paper and make sense of it for the first time.
Here’s a summary.
A Detroit mob is on the brink of something that could be revolutionary. When one of the later plans is in motion, a member is gunned down by the police in front of his nearby team member/friend. Both were meeting at a rendezvous point to hand off the substance stolen from a chem lab. The substance is a hybrid mixture of liquid nitrogen and a super frozen sodium combine that combine into the coldest thing on Earth, which the mob leader needs for reasons revealed later. The police also shoot at the other team member, unknowingly hitting the vial hidden inside his jacket pocket, shattering the liquid compound into his bloodstream.
As you may have guessed, that gives this man (Kevin Scott) the ability to manipulate ice, but at a cost. His body slowly rejects the compound creating internal hypothermia as long as he is not using his newfound ability.
Now the question is: to be human or to be alive?
Can I get some feedback on my origin story? I’d really appreciate that.
It sounds pretty good, but I’d recommend replacing “Scott” with a last name that sounds less like a first name. I liked the source of his powers, but I don’t feel like I have a good feel for Kevin. What’s his personality like? What’s he trying to accomplish?
This might just be that I’m a sucker for artsy stuff, but I’m kind of intrigued by the idea that being human and surviving are mutually exclusive for him.
Hey, everyone. I just wanted to know what people think of the superhero I’m creating. He can make a forcefield around his body (like an invisible second skin) that can withstand any force but at a cost of becoming extremely exhausted. He can also shoot his forcefields to do a variety of things from knocking back enemies to devastating small buildings. His forcefields give him superhuman strength. I thought I’d give him a floors, so he has an extremely short temper.
What do you think?
Thanks for the input, B. Mac.
His personality is more to himself–so much so that I’ve written the story in both first person monologues and the third person tale.
His parents got in deep with the Brooklyn mob while he was just a child, and didn’t make it to see Kevin’s 12th birthday–if you know what I mean. Because he had nowhere else to turn he joined the group of people that ruined his life, looking for somewhere to fit. They ended up in Detroit because another gang has risen to their level and driven them out of town, Kevin and his group settle in Detroit trying to rebuild the fractured empire.
Since he does bad things, but at heart is a good person, he constantly talks to himself arguing out why he remains with the Detroit based ‘family’. Even when he gets his power/ability he regrets almost every action/reaction that appears when he tries to do ‘good’.
What he has planned though, is to find a way back to his hometown of Brooklyn, but understands he must stop the mob that is spreading the idea of a anarchistic revolution for the country in this time of economic distress, because of what he can do–and what he must do.
The head of the Brooklyn organization is the mysterious Kane, who is a cross between Fight Club’s Brad Pitt and Dark Knight’s Joker, in the personality department. He’ll go to extreme lengths to find the chink in the metaphorical armor.
I think there’s a lot of potential for Mary Sue angst in origin stories. Then again, the trend nowadays is ‘brooding superhero’. Traumatic events and the glorification of psychopathy.
Sax Man:
Your plot does sound quite interesting, but I ask: Have you done research at all on this topic? You know, gang sociology. Delving deeper into initiation rituals, omerta, etc. It would probably sound amateurish if you simply use knowledge from the media or your own preconceptions about gangs and whatnot. Gang life consumes people’s lives, and it is a large part of your main character’s life.
I’ve done some research, but I do like your idea of a better/indepth review of crime life. Also I actually have about a fourth of this story written and his life is already ‘consumed’ by this organized crime—which he tries to separate himself.
What i am curious of is: Am I able to post large segments of my written marterial on the site for constructive criticism and review?
If so, how.
You can post as much as you’d like. Although, smaller pieces are easier to review and less daunting to those that aren’t as reading enthused. I see you have a forum so you can post there.
I think it could make sense that Bori would be inside of her seeing as Bori is a demon and she did go to hell. You could say that when D made the deal to save her soul, as her soul was coming back Bori was the cat demon that got into her. And that can be the origin of her powers. Only later did the actually demon start to manifest itself. Hence, the event with Ros.
I don’t know if Kim have a strong enough personality to lead a story, especially with her mild retardation. I would prefer to read about her with the speech impediment. With a few tweaks, though, I think it could work.
If you’re trying to make her a lead character, I’d recommend her loosing the speech impediment. She’d also need to gain at least one strong personality, she’s a good side character, but I don’t know if he personality is strong enough to lead. However, I suspect if you aged her to about 15 or 16, you could fix her speech and have her personality develop more. Right now, she’s just a cutesy kid with a demon in her.
Going back to Masquerade. After some thinking, I like your idea of turning the modeling agency into a military section. I’m getting rid of spokesheroes. But I’m keeping superheroes, albeit human ones.
I’m changing Jackson’s background, he is still an aspiring model, but he’s also a military recruit. He was born into a poor family so the only way he could afford to live in (Whatever) City and pay for college was to join the military. He went through training and is in the reserves (I’ll have to find out if that’s actually possible). And when a R&D branch of the agency hears about his special interests they think he is the perfect candidate for Operation Facade.
Operation Facade is a plan to field test military equipment deemed safe enough to wear. Because their cover is a modeling agency (or whatever) they have to make the gadgets and costume look stylish. Hence, the stylish hero.
Porcelain’s company is doing a similar mission. Although, it is unknown where she actually gets her equipment and who she is working for.
If I ever get to it, I would probably want this to be my first novel. But I could make it work as a comic.
What do you think?
I’m not confident about the military models idea. First, marketing. I think that the readers that are drawn to military action generally want intensely masculine heroes. (Please see GI Joe, Tom Clancy, Captain America, any Chuck Norris movie, Rambo, etc). A dual supermodel-soldier would probably compromise that. No offense to models, but modeling is not typically seen as a really manly field.
Second, it feels kind of… confused? I’m a bit worried about your statement that “I’ll have to find out if that’s actually possible” because it suggests that you’re taking realism pretty seriously here. However, I feel that this basic concept (the military using supermodels as a cover story) is so far into Zoolander territory that readers can’t take it seriously. In contrast, I think that Miss Congeniality works the government/supermodel angle more plausibly. An FBI agent goes undercover as a Miss America contestant to keep the contestants safe.
I think that your story needs a better underlying reason for why the military would use supermodels. In Miss Congeniality, the FBI places an agent in the contest because it’s the only way to get someone close enough to keep the girls safe. The pageant organizers don’t want to ruin the show by keeping armed g-men on stage. In your story, I can’t identify any reason why the military would cover up field tests by doing a fake modeling agency.
Here are a few big, obvious plot holes: 1) field tests have to be done in the field. I don’t know how a supermodel could do field tests. 2) It seems like a convoluted and not particularly effective way to keep the gear secret. Showing fashion photographers your gear before it is widely used doesn’t seem like a good way to keep it secret. 3) The military is very utilitarian and fiercely, fiercely unstylish. In short, I think that military supermodels (like DHS alligators) could only work in a highly eccentric story.
Here’s a different approach that might work more smoothly. The character is a superspy that is undercover as a supermodel. His police organization specializes in agents that have high-profile cover stories because people would rather blab to a supermodel or a celebrity than a cop. There’s no way Tom Brady is a cop… right? This premise is still pretty wacky, but I think it could work. What do you think?
Not sure about this as a novel. For one, I think this will be action-centric. As a rule, I think it’s easier to execute action in a comic book than a novel. Also, from what I’ve seen of your writing, I think you’re better at creating and managing short scenes than long ones. However, I’d love you to prove me wrong. If you’d be interested in doing the first chapter, I’d be happy to review it for you.
Ok, let’s drop the modeling edge altogether. It’s not working, maybe I’ll try it again down the road. Where else can Masquerade and Porcelain fit? What other types of stories could feature two stylized, gadget-toting heroes?
I guess I’m a fish out of water (or an alien out of spacecraft) when it comes to more humanistic stories. I guess I’m more suited to working with abstract things like aliens, this is definitely reflected in my art. Whereas, I struggle to grasp the human anatomy is more formal art stlyes.
“Also, from what I’ve seen of your writing, I think you’re better at creating and managing short scenes than long ones. However, I’d love you to prove me wrong.”
Don’t worry, I will…someday. Just you wait
“What other types of stories could feature two stylized, gadget-toting heroes?” I’m not sure how the stylized fits in there. If it’s just a gadget-toting character that happens to be stylish, I think that has worked out pretty well for James Bond, Batman, Ironman, Totally Spies, etc. In these cases, I think it helps that the stylishness is not a central part of the character or his origin story. James Bond wasn’t selected as 007 because of his stylishness, for example. He’s just a spy that happens to be stylish.
I get the feeling that you’re looking for a character that has some sort of super-stylishness as one of his central traits, maybe as part of his origin. Well, there was Team America… a national security team enlisted an actor because he was a master of disguise. I think that worked. Acting is definitely stylish, but he was recruited for a clear and logical reason (his disguise skills). In contrast, I don’t think that your concepts so far have presented a compelling reason why they need a character with a really stylish background. If the character is selected, I think the main issue is whether your side-characters are being properly motivated to hire the kind of character you want them to.
“I get the feeling that you’re looking for a character that has some sort of super-stylishness as one of his central traits.
No, I wouldn’t say it would be the central point. But it’d be part of the persona. But is it really that bad for a superhero to be stylish? Maybe they could fit in to a futurisic setting like the Batman Beyond one.
I’ll work with Masquerase later. I’m not giving up on the concept. Now I need to switch back into Showtime Mode and start planning these issues.
That sounds good. Let me know if you need any help.
How do yo feel about legacy characters? Ash is an Assistant District Attorney who’s dedicated to the law, (think Atticus Finch), but he is also the heir to a vigilante legacy dating back to the American Old West. All the men in his family have donned the same persona to fight crime (think The Phantom). Ash is a man torn between his legal ideals and his familial duty.
I can think of a few reasons readers might prefer a hero making his own superhero concept, but the conflict between his legal ideas and family duty sounds promising.
I’m writing this story in my spare time about this teenager (like eighteen or nineteen) who has been given her powers when she was around eleven and taken to her father’s work, a power plant. He dealt with chemicals and was wary about taking her there, but her begging just got to him.
When there an unexpected eplosion happened and he had died from it. She on the other hand had gained her powers which she didn’t know how to use (I’m still picking out the powers).
She finds out that her father’s death was not an accident but someone had planned it. She is devastated that she can’t do anything to avenge it because she doesn’t know how to use her powers.
Is that too… I don’t know cliche?
Is it good ?
Here are some thoughts and suggestions.
–It’s ok, but it lacks pizazz. In particular, I think that the main character could be a bit more distinctive. What’s her personality like?
–I think that the eight year gap between the father getting killed and the “present” of the story makes the plot less gripping and urgent. I’d recommend having her go to her father’s workplace and developing her powers at the age of 18.
This article was really useful. Butt how can I do the origin story for an evil organization?
PS: Although they don’t possess superpowers, they control the world.
Any help would be great.
Anonymous,
Be specific about the chemicals she was exposed to.
Research various chemical compounds ,
maybe you can find some with unique properties that you could add to her super powers.
Maybe there are experimental chemicals being developed that might have interesting effects on the body and mind.
“One example where the origin story leads to a random, jumbled story is Static Shock. Although he receives his powers in the same accident as his villains, he doesn’t share any other links with them (personal, ethical or otherwise).” I object to this statement: You simply must consider the Static-Hotstreak relationship, though, admittedly, Hotstreak isn’t exactly a major villian. And I don’t have anything else productive to add to the thread.
The only link that he shares with the villains is that they all became the way they were by Alva. I’d say Hotstreak is a major one, though not as major as Ebon. It did seem like he was going to redeem himself at the end, but then he and Ebon became that monster-thing. I would’ve liked to see what they had planning for future seasons/episodes.
With most of the villains, that would be accurate, but Virgil knew Hotstreak and had problems with him before either of them were metahumans. At least, that’s how it is on TV. The comics may differ.
I think it’s like that in the comics, too.
I’m not even sure if Hotstreak’s in the comics.
Hmm. According to Hot Streak’s Wikipedia entry, he’s the first villain in the comic book, too. I can’t remember.
To B. Mac
I like your site and I was starting to write about new comic book characters that I just made up, if you have the time can you tell me what you think about them. The name of the group is called Enigma, and I only have Michael Powers almost completed.
ENIGMA:
Michael Powers codename: DNA
Personality-serious, paranoid, conflicted, conscientious, reserved, insecure, disorganized
Powers-Healing, Hyper Senses, Bio-vampire, Biokinesis (his mind over your body), X-Ray Vision
Backstory- The story starts off with Michael Powers waking up from a coma. The reason why he was in the coma in the first place is because he accidently killed his mother and father during his fourteenth birthday party along with all his friends and their parents. The shock of seeing his parents melt away and only their clothes remain was too much for him to handle, so he went into a coma. Somehow he knew that he had caused their death. He had been in the coma for seven hours when he woke up. Michael starts walking around the hospital not being noticed until he interrupts an operation of a man who just died in the operating room, by putting his hands on him and bringing the man back to life. This both surprises and scares the doctors and nurses, which seem to not know what to do. One of the doctors picks up a phone and calls security while another tries to restraint Michael. While Michael was trying to free himself from the one doctor, two security guards came running into the room. Both security guards grabbed Michael while the doctor who had called them was moving toward Michael with a shot. That is when it happened again, all of a sudden everybody in the room started melting away, within five seconds there was nothing left but their clothes. All the people were gone, even the man that Michael just brought back to life. So Michael started running, and ran out the hospital and kept running, knowing that somebody would be looking for him for what he did. After two hours of running Michael came to a cemertary where he stayed the night, some/how he felt at home in that place. (What Michael Powers does not know is that he is the offspring of an alien and a human.)
Fallen Angel:
Personality- spiritual, over-idealistic, sheltered, conflicted, Does not understand humans, thief, untactful
Powers-Wings, Soul Sword, Spirit Form, Book of Life
Backstory-Fallen Angel is an angel that questions God’s motives and ways who gets thrown out of Heaven, but not before he steals the Book Of Life( the one that God is surpose to use to judge mankind with.) This sats in motion the forces of Heaven and the forces of Hell both trying to get the Book Of Life.
Nakita Brood codename: Wildcard
Personality- creative, dutiful, reckless, slutty, eccentric, impulsive, moody
Powers-Teleportation (Space), Temporal manipulation, Danger Sense
Backstory-A refugee in a war torn afican nation whose powers suddenly activate when her life is threaten. When her powers activated a group of men had just killed her father and mother and were going to rape her.
Lisa Myers codename: Biosphere
Personality- enlightened, self-centered, driven, elegant, eccentric, combative, arrogant
Powers-Formchanger (Fire, Water, Earth, Ice, Wind), Gravity
Backstory-Lisa Myers is a girl who goes to sleep and dreams that Mother Nature gave her an amlet, then wakes up to find the amlet embelded in her throat and that she can’t get it out without killing herself. Lisa also finds out that she is driven to insane levels to destroy anything that produces large amouts of pollution. And the air and water pollution makes her sick, because she is magically tied to the planet.
Kevin Becker codename: Interface
Personality- sophisticated, unstable, self-appointed, not human, analytical, dangerous, unprincipled, sel-fish
Powers-Cyber Powers, Shape-changer, Nano-Tech abilities, Magnetic abilities, Electrical abilities, Weapons Creation
Backstory-Kevin Becker is a normal teenager out with his girlfriend at the local park at night. There is only one old man in the park with them who is reading a paper under a street lamp. Suddenly a large glowing object falls from the sky and cras
hed into the park between where he and his girlfriend and the old man is sitting. His girlfriend starts running away, just as Kevin starts to turn and run away to the old man grabs his chest and falls to the ground begging Kevin to help him. For a minute kevin is torn between going over and helping the man, or turning and running away because he knows that the large object wasn’t from Earth. It was a hard decision but Kevin decided to help the man. While Kevin was going over to help the man, something hit Kevin and knocked him out. The next thing Kevin knew he saw, no more like felt a bright light start out small but keep on getting slowly bigger, also he started hearing voices like his body was in a dream state, and his mind wasn’t quite working right. It took him a long time but he finally realized that the voices he heard were people working on him. He keep asking himself why are people working on me?(Unknown to Kevin Becker he was not at a hospital but a secret military base being looked at and inspected by top people in their feilds because alien Nano-Tech had merved with him at the molecule level. And nothing like this has every happen like this before on the planet, so the defense department wanted to know how and why it happened.)
Chozen:
Maybe it was District 9 that ruined this for me, but I find the alien+human affair rather…disturbing? Considering that the evolution on a different planet would cause their aliens to evolve characteristics possibly unpleasant to the human’s viewpoint, but functional. Superman has the incredible odds of one in gazillion of actually turning out as a an attractive human. Also, if the alien in the equation is not as human-looking, it can come across as bestiality, depending if the human is the superior or inferior species. Yeah, I’m making a big deal about this.
It’s very thoughtful of you to give each and everyone of these characters specific personalities and backgrounds, but there are a few other things that are bothering me. It’s difficult to try to write the opposite gender, so input from the people around you might be great. I’m pointing this out as a female:Brood’s parents killed and she was almost raped…where did the sluttiness come out of? I understand that different people react with denial and acceptance differently, but you’re writing rape here as a plot device, it doesn’t sympathize well. It’s like, “Oh yeah, I got raped. Moving on…”. Rape is traumatizing, I’m not asking you to write to appeal to a previously raped audience, but don’t pass this off so easily to write an angsty past. Really. Generally, people previously raped get very defensive when people suddenly invade their personal space, they often mistaken affection for ulterior motives, view normally innocent relationships as pedophilic or disturbing. Who gets over it so easily, even with therapy?
Questions open to everyone:
1.Despite how sad this question would be on a topic such as this, how neccesary is an origin story? Comparing that kitty from Bolt(her name escapes me), and Timothy Mouse from Dumbo, for example. The kitty, even as one of the main characters, the audience is forced into a default origin story(declawed). Timothy Mouse, also one of the main characters in his movie, still serves as a charming character, without origin story. How can I tell the difference that a character must absolutely need a backstory at all?
2. Maybe it’s the anti-hero trend of the 90′s recurring again, but every main character nowadays must ABSOLUTELY have a traumatizing back story. I have 3 main characters, but the focus rests mainly on the female character of the trio. I understand an explanation or backstory is necessary to explain how she got a human body(a parasite took on a female human identity after invading into her host’s brain). However, how necessary is it to explain the other character’s origin stories? One male character was ‘harvested’ by selective breeding of specific genetic traits(considered the norm to him, but especially not to the reader), and the other I explained as an experiment(can mentally set off bombs and keep them at various places inside his body). But on this character, I just didn’t plan on explaining if his family died or not, how he got enrolled into the experiment, what he did in all those years inside the facility…would it seem unbalanced to the reader if one of the main characters doesn’t get his own trauma story?
“How can I tell the difference that a character must absolutely need a backstory at all?” I don’t think anyone absolutely needs a backstory.
I would recommend giving the character a backstory if there’s something really unusual that we couldn’t just infer. For example, if you’re using a mass origin story like mutants, we can infer that someone doing mysterious things is a mutant with a particular power. If you HAVEN’T introduced us yet to superpowers, we can’t just guess at where they came from. So we will probably be a bit disoriented when that fantastic element emerges. An origin story helps us make sense of these fantasy elements in a story that’s trying not to feel like a fantasy.
Also, I think the element of importance matters. If you’re dealing with a big superhero team and want to try individual origins (which will be quite difficult), you can probably gloss over the origins for the more minor characters but you’d probably want to put more time into the 1-3 most important characters.
Finally, I think that giving a villain an origin is generally less important, particularly if he’s not one of the POVs. If he has powers far beyond the ordinary for this story (like a person shooting fireballs in a story that’s otherwise like James Bond) you can give him an origin with a few well-placed lines. He was involved in pyrokinetic experiments in the military or something.
To Painted Staint and B Mac:
Thanks for all of your advice it was very helpful, and got me thinking. First I am going to drop the rape part of Naketa Brood’s story because as a male I would have trouble writing about a female character who was raped. Also I decided to write Enigma as five completely different short stories about five completely different people instead of trying to bring them all together as one group. Here is a rewrite of Naketa Brood.
To anyone else, if you have the time can you read my rewritten characters and tell me what you think, all comments goood or bad are welcome. Thank you.
Naketa Brood codename: Wildcard
Personality- creative, dutiful, impulsive, moody, loyal
Powers-Teleportation (Space/Time), Temporal manipulation, Danger Sense
Backstory:
He grabbed my shoulders and made me look into his eyes.
“Naketa, look at me, and listen carefully.”
We were both breathing heavily, from running so fast.
“You have to go back. ”
He paused. “I made a lot of mistake-”
I had to interrupt. “No Ash, WE.”
“Alright, WE made a lot of mistakes. Starting around five years ago, when we got in the middle of this mess. Sometimes lies feel better than the truth. And that’s what you have to do, you have to go back, and make sure we stay ignorant. You’ll remember everything that has happened, so you’ll know exactly how to fix it. You can live a peaceful future, and forget this time, which will become only a memory.”
It was all happening so fast, I didn’t understand what he was getting at.
“But-”
“No.”
He cradled my head in his hands.
“You are going back. And you’re going to change this awful future. Just promise me one thing, don’t forget me, and the few things we did together.”
He looked on the verge of tears, and I felt I should be, but I was almost too sad to cry. He turned to leave, but then came back.
“There’s one mistake I made, that I’d never want to erase.”
Very quickly, I was in his arms, and his lips were firmly pressed to mine. It had started a very suddenly, a very full kiss. And it only continued to become more so as I felt his tongue enter my mouth. I then realized exactly what I was doing, I had my arms around his neck, and one hand was drifting up into his black hair. My lips were moving just as frantically around his, filled with the equal passion, and hope, that just maybe our problems could be forgotten and we could continue as people were meant to live. His arms pulled me closer, melding my body into his. I tried to hold on as he pulled his lips off mine, but he still held me fast against him, and I didn’t want him to let go.
“I fell in love with you.” he said.
I just held onto him tighter, he knew my reply, he knew I felt the same way. And we both knew there was nothing ahead for us. He looked into my eyes, caring.
“Turn around, and close your eyes. Please do not look back. Just remember me, this me.”
He released me, and I was instantly void of his warmth. But I obeyed, turning around, and slowly closing my eyes. There was a beeping noise. One shot. One gasp. One thud.
I knew what had happened, and even though I couldn’t see, I could still picture it. His lifeless form lying there, his lips that were just seconds ago on top of mine, dripping with blood. I felt so angry, I was so sad that it made it impossible for me to cry, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t cry for him. As I opened my eyes, I felt a single tear escape, I watched it drop onto the floor.
It was the last thing I saw before I disappeared.
(A different place and time.)
It was like a blink. Nothing more, nothing less. I tripped as I took a first step, and my face met the ground much faster than it should’ve. Dirt and grass was spit from my mouth. I stood up, and finally realized that I’d changed. My eyes drifted to my clothing, jean shorts, yellow tank top. In the back of my mind I knew what had happened, and what to expect, but I never really believed it before.
“There you are Naketa!”
My head turned immediately at the sound of my name, and I gazed upon a much younger Ash. He still had the cap, that hid his marvelously uncontrollable black hair.
“Let’s get back to camp, Brock has dinner ready.”
I watched him pause and cock his head.
“Are you okay Naketa? You look a little pale.”
I quickly put on a forced smile.
“I’m fine! Let’s go!”
Ash started walking ahead, and I just followed, still in a daze. My legs didn’t feel right, being so much shorter than I was used to. But the one thing I couldn’t understand was how?
How did I go back?
“NAKETA!?”
Again I was jerked back to reality and frantically looked around for the source.
“Naketa, you were walking straight out of camp!”
“Oh, um yea. I was just daydreaming!”
Ash got a very puzzled expression, then shrugged. A new voice came to my ears then, no, not new, I just hadn’t heard it in a very long time.
“Hey, you guys! Dinner is ready!”
Brock. I just sat down and ate the delicious food, silently. I thought about what I needed to do now. Ash had said to keep us ignorant, or more so, keep them ignorant. And I knew what was going to happen, so it would be easy, right?
But I couldn’t remember, it was long ago, and I had desperately been trying to block it out for years now. Unbeknownst that it would later be critical information. I suddenly remembered how it started, at least most of it, but it was enough.
What time was it now?
What day?
I had to know, so we could run……and fast.
“Ash, please tell me, quickly. What day is it? And what time?”
“Well, it’s Thursday, and-” He pulled out his watch, and pressed a button.
“It’s 5:23PM. But why do you want to know?”
My fingers rested over my lips, I was trying to remember, it had been Friday. I think. Could we spend the night here?
Yes, nice and rested so we could run the next day.
“Naketa, you’re acting strange, what is wrong?”
What was wrong?
Many, many things were wrong with the seemingly perfect reality they knew. There were enemies all around.
“I’m just really tired, I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning Ash, don’t worry.”
He scooted a little closer to me and peered questioningly into my eyes.
“Since when are you so nice to me?”
Why on earth would I be mean?
I was always nice to him, wasn’t I?
Again a revelation hit me, of what I used to be. Circumstances made a big change on me, I was almost a whole different being. But how could I fake my old self?
I put on a more sarcastic voice, one that I hadn’t used in ages.
“I already TOLD you Ash, I’m tired. I don’t have enough energy to argue with you!”
Then he smiled, content with the fact I sounded ‘normal’ again.
I slipped into my sleeping bag, and rested my head. Ash and Brock were still eating and talking over by the fire, and my thoughts drifted to what had happened earlier, or rather later.
The kiss mostly, the warm feeling of Ash’s lips, and how right it felt. And then he was gone, and yet he was sitting only a few feet away from me now. I thought of the future, I thought of my past, I thought I wasn’t tired, and yet I slept.
It was still dark, but we needed to get going. I slid partially out of my sleeping bag and started shivering frantically. Every part of my sensible mind said to curl back up in the warmth and rest some more, but I couldn’t. With clenched teeth I stood up and instantly started shuffling my feet. The ground was cold, my arms were cold, and the bones in my legs felt as if they vibrated. Why did I wear these clothes?
I made a mental note to re-do my wardrobe as soon as possible.
“ASH.”
I think it was the sound of teeth chattering that woke him, rather than the sound of his name being hissed. He just opened his eyes and squinted at me.
“Ash, we need to go. Please just wake up Brock and get packed.”
He was still squinting at me.
“Wha? Why?”
I sat down beside him as he sat up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t explain because you wouldn’t understand.”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to leave in the middle of the night, for no reason, because I wouldn’t understand what you won’t explain?”
The tone of his voice was strange, it almost hurt. He thought I didn’t trust him, but I couldn’t tell the truth! He wouldn’t believe the truth.
I leaned over and kissed him very lightly, and shortly on the lips. Maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was because he wasn’t wearing his hat, maybe I was addicted to him after the first kiss. But I just ran afterwards, I ran and sat down behind a tree. Because I honestly didn’t know what to do!
Then I heard noises, Ash was packing, and it sounded like Brock had gotten up too. I couldn’t help but smile, maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
All of us were soon traveling in the darkness. I knew what had happened last time, and I was extremely determined not to let it happen again. I led the group as far away, as quickly as I could. It was soon dawn, and then almost noon.
We stopped and sat down to break for lunch when there was one shot, and Brock fell, dead.
I gasped, how could they have found us?
We were far away! Unless…..unless they had been following us. And that would mean it was inevitable, I couldn’t prevent this from happening!
“Run Ash!”
We were off at a full sprint, adrenalin pumping. It came as a total shock when I felt excruciating pain and my leg gave way. How could I be shot?
I hadn’t been shot last time!
Then it came to me.
(FLASHBACK)
The sound of electricity cracking came to my ears as I continued to run. A gun shot was heard, but I kept running. But what hurt the most was Ash’s scream.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
(FLASHBACK)
I must have been crumpled in a heap on the ground, looking pitiful, but I closed my eyes and prepared for the inevitable. A shot rang out, but the pain didn’t come, just a heavy weight on my back. Was I dead?
But I managed to open my eyes and……there was Ash, he had blocked the bullet. And the only word I could think of was: failure. Look at what one little mistake made! Look at how easy it was to fail! I had a whole other chance, and look at how quickly I had failed.
And what to do now? There was nothing to live for! Nothing!
I just closed my eyes, wishing I could’ve done something with a chance, wishing I had done anything but fail.
I didn’t dare to open my eyes again, so they stayed closed for the longest time. That caused me to fall asleep, and thus, I woke up.
The surroundings looked familiar, but the havoc and terror didn’t seem to be visible anymore. Ash was not there. Now what had happened!?
My head ached with the confusion of it all. Now accustom to my much smaller body, I got up and notice that I wasn’t shot. Then I started walking a bit, only to meet the last person I’d expected.
“ASH!?”
My mouth was agape, as I awed at the fact he was perfectly unharmed.
“Hi Naketa, I was just looking for you. Brock has dinner ready.”
Confusion, and utter confusion. I just couldn’t understand what was going on! This had already happened, and now it was happening again! Did I get another chance?
That was defiantly what it appeared to be. This time would be different, but unfortunately that meant it had to be the same as the first time, the very first time. The beginning would have to be the same, Ash would have to find out a little bit, but not all.
Again I faked a sarcastic and playful voice, imitating my former self.
“Ok Ash, I’ll race you there!”
It was dark, and I again found myself in my sleeping bag. But this time I had nothing planned. Unfortunately I had to live out this day just as before, I had to watch two close friends die. Again. I had already tried to stop it, and it didn’t work, they were following and there was no way to get away from that. I banged my fist against the ground. What was I supposed to do after!?
Just hide…….forever? I….guess that….could work. And I just HAD to remember to act like my old self, more problems could arise if I didn’t. But now I have to surrender to this enemy called sleep.
When I finally re-opened my eyes it was well into the day. The glint of dew was gone from the ground. Ash was a few yards away, and I couldn’t see Brock. He was off getting water. Strange knowing the future, strange changing it, strange living the past over again.
I was so tempted to ask Ash what time it was, but would the old Naketa really have done that?
Brock would be shot when he returned, which could be any moment now. I scurried out of my sleeping bag and rolled it up. It really was a beautiful day, I just never really paid attention, with my mind on other things. The sun was high and radiant, a sleeveless shirt allowed my shoulders to feel the internal warmth it gave. Only a light breeze, just enough to let the forest dance. And shadows haunted the floor, almost silhouetting the disaster to come in this picturesque setting.
We were all just so innocent. I glanced over at Ash, carelessly living life without a notion, even a hint, that this was a turning point. Sad isn’t it?
Nowhere to be cowardly, no time to be strong. And that leaves you to feel it, just let it all come at you full force. I could feel the muscles in my fists tightening. How could life be so cruel?
Look at us! Just look! We were happy, with goals and dreams, and fantasies. And all that can be ripped away so easily. No matter how far you reach for them back, your hands return empty, clutching nothing but the darkness. Yes…..it was a good thing we were strong. It was a good thing Ash was strong.
The sound of rustling brush was what I heard next. And at that I lowered my head.
“Oh Naketa, you’re up-”
Brocks voice was cut short by the gun shot. It was sounding all too familiar, almost just like it was part of the scenery, no different than a Spearow’s cry. That distinct sound of a last breath, you can always tell by the sorrowful screech it leaves in your head. Almost screaming “And there will be no more.” Then there’s the falling, the thud of a lifeless form against the living ground. I could never bear to watch.
Ash yelled “Brock!” then quickly ran to his side. He held his fingers to Brocks neck, checking for a pulse.
“Naketa…he..he’s….dead.”
I ran and kneeled down next to him, also surveying Brock’s lifeless form. Cautiously peering into his face I saw a couple tears slither downwards to meet the ground, then suddenly his sad expression changed to one of almost anger. He whispered at me through clenched teeth.
“Who would do this?”
And then a shot rang out again, barely missing my own body. At that Ash screamed “RUN!” And that was exactly what I did, exactly replicating what I had done before. Except this time I remembered to grab my sleeping bag.
“Ash, we have to get out of here!”
His face was wet with tears, but he still had a sense of control about him. We both ran now, together, anywhere but that clearing in the forest. I couldn’t feel my feet moving, adrenalin was empowering them to speeds I never knew possible. And we just kept going.
It must have been hours later. The shoes that covered my tired feet were caked with dust; I was just so thankful to stop and sit down. Ash was seated beside me, and his face looked hard and cold. Our heavy breathing was all I could hear, until Ash spoke.
“I think we lost them. I hope we lost them. But who were they? And WHY WOULD THEY BE AFTER US?”
He was seriously upset. And so was I in fact, even thought I knew all about it.
“I’m not sure,”
A lie, right there.
“But at least we got away safely, and we can just keep hidden.”
Isn’t that what Ash had told me to do? Keep ourselves out of danger instead of searching for it like we had before?
“No Naketa! We can’t! I have to find out who murdered Brock”
“We don’t stand a chance! Don’t you see that? Even if we did find them they have guns and we don’t!”
“Well then what do you propose we do? Just stay here in the forest and hide forever? Never knowing anything or getting any answers?”
We were both lying down but propping ourselves up with our hands. Oh if only Ash knew what the future was! If only he could see that knowing nothing WAS really the best! I knew he was too stubborn to convince now, when he had just witnessed everything and was enraged. So I neutralized the situation.
“Lets just stay here awhile. We can think about it and get a plan, this isn’t anything to mess with!”
With that his voice softened, he turned away with his head down.
“I thought I knew you better Naketa, I thought you would want to get back at whoever did this. But I see you’re just a coward.”
Oh that hurt, especially coming from him. I really hadn’t been this way, I had been just as fiery as he had been, maybe more. HE had actually been the one to come up with the idea to wait, and settle down, but that had been after another attack.
I released the death grip that was holding a sleeping bag. The fabric was cold as I rolled it out along the ground, then slipped in fully clothed. I started shivering. But the sun was up, and the wind was down. Now I was punishing myself; how could I act that way?
You’re not acting the way you would’ve, and what if you loose Ash all together?
I turned my head. His back was towards me, and his right hand drifted against his face then returned. Wiping tears probably. Ash had a lot to cry about his ever faithful friend, Brock the brotherly figure. And now me, acting totally out of character. I was making this harder.
“I’m sorry, Ash.”
I saw his head turn at my voice. Bloodshot eyes met mine.
“I said ‘I’m sorry.’”
With a shaky voice, and through clenched teeth he replied.
“I heard what you said.”
This was definitely wrong, he looked…..furious. So I moved a little closer, slithering in my sleeping bag.
“What’s the matter?”
His eyes narrowed and gleamed glassy like a cobra.
“I want revenge Naketa.”
It had happened so fast. But now it was anger, a great hatred towards those who had brought all the suffering upon him. And who could blame him?
I had felt the same way; the two of us had harnessed it, and controlled it, together. But I cannot act that way now! Is it required that I act?
I can’t burst out in tears, I can’t fake a rage.
“I want revenge too…”
My voice cut off there as the words finally sank in to my own consciousness. Damn right I wanted revenge! So I had to say it,
“..You don’t know how much I want it.”
Finally a response, he turned his head slightly to stare at me. And said “But I want it now. I want to track them down and assault them with my bare fists.” he said.
I ran my tongue across dry lips,
“You wouldn’t get revenge by killing yourself.”
He didn’t respond, so I kept going.
“They’re sure to come after us, so why don’t we be ready? A plan to find out who they are, exactly.”
Or I could just tell you Ash, but……that wouldn’t be fair, and you wouldn’t want to know.
His head moved in a gentle nod.
“It’s impossible for us to find out who’s behind this just by waiting for them to attack, we have no defense. I say we learn to fight.”
I suddenly realized at how little I’d done to change anything, because this was almost exactly what had happened the first time. But, what could I do?
Now was the time to rack my brain for ideas.
“I think I have an idea….” I said.
I was thinking about the origin of another one of my characters, Lisa Myers, and decided to rewrite her also. Please if anyone has the time let me know what you think. Thanks, the Chozen.
Lisa Myers codename: Devastator
With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.
Her mind raced how could he have found her, she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.
She could hear him screaming to her to come back. Mind racing though her thoughts and also trying to comprehend all of it she looked around frantic.
Garbage was strewn across the cold darkened ally; it smelled of rotten fish and salad dressing. She ran further into the ally and quickly ran behind a Dumpster. She hit the brick wall and cut her left arm on the Dumpster. Hissing softly she grabbed her arm and slid down the side of the wall and grabbed her knees. She tried to steady her breathing.
“LISA!” He yelled.
She could hear him running down the ally. She needed to find a way out.
“Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”.
“No” her mind said just stay here. The air seemed to thicken and every thing seemed to close around her. He slammed the Dumpster, he was right next to her. She closed her eyes and hoped to god that he wouldn’t find her.
Her heart pounded so hard in her ears it drowned out the traffic on the street.
It pounded so loud she could swear he heard it.
“Ah LISA, There you are” he chuckled softly.
Her heart skipped a beat “No” she said softly. He had found her. This was it, she was never going to see light again!
He snorted “you pathetic little bitch Get UP!”
He grabbed her by her arm and stood her up to standing position. She flinched and tried to burry her face, and not look at him, wishing she could be anyone but her. “Click Click” it was the gun, no this wasn’t happening she thought. She looked up into a gun and her heart dropped, she felt fear in the pit of her stomach.
“look at me!” he growled and grabbed her head and forced it up.
She swallowed “I can’t if you have that gun in my face!” she said in a harsh whisper.
He chuckled “well you finally talking to me ain’t you” He drawled.
“well” he moved the gun and held it under her chin. She looked him in the eyes and he sneered. Lisa began thinking back how it all started.
Rays of light shined on Lisa’s face; slowly she opened her iced blue colored eyes and it was a sunny day. She looked around to glance at the clock radio for the time.
“Its 7:45 oh shit I’m late for first period!”
Lisa exclaimed angrily jumping out of bed and reaching for her clothes that she picked up last night in case something like that would happen, after she slipped into a black slipknot shirt and tight emo pants, she ran into the bathroom and brushed her teeth and combed her hair and ran out to the living room downstairs, and out the door. Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B”. She raced his mom to her truck because it was ten minutes until 8:00 and class started at 8:05 and they still had to pick up her friend Nicole Nickeson, she was one of Lisa’s best friends in the world, and she had asked her mom a long time if they could give Nicole a ride to school every day. When the blue Toyota Tacoma pulled up at Nicole’s drive way, Nicole was already outside and ready to go, she climbed in and greeted them happily and asked what took them so long, Lisa explained to her what happened.
“My stupid clock radio was unplugged and my alarm didn’t go off to wake me.”
She said still pretty pissed at himself because she unplugged it so she could plug in her laptop, so it could recharge as she typed her essay for U.S History class. When they pulled over at the school’s student parking lot Lisa’s cell phone vibrated and she flipped opened it to see what was up and she saw on the little screen that she had received a text message from her boyfriend Barrett Finch. Who had by the way been a senior at the time, they were a couple for about two months. Barrett was a well build guy, he had light brown hair and nice pretty brown eyes that caught Lisa’s attention, but it wasn’t all about looks, the thing that caught Lisa in Barrett’s spell was his personality, she loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers. Where they met was at their period class, they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured, she walked to the side of the rail and saw Barrett playing with the baby of one of the women that were measuring them. She liked how he made the baby laugh and they way that he laugh with joy also, she could see that some day Barrett was going to be a good father and she’d liked to see his child grow up. From that moment she realized that she loved him right then.
She read the text message in her mind slowly so she wouldn’t miss a single word, it said.
“Hey where are you? School is going to start any minute!”
Lisa replied to the message saying that she was already at the student parking lot. And that she should meet him there since they both had U.S History together. After they got out of the car and said goodbye to her mom, they waited for Barrett at the student parking lot which it was crowded by cars.
“Lisa!”
Someone yelled out her name and Lisa turned and saw Barrett sort of jogging towards her and Nicole.
“Hey.”
Louis hugged her warmly.
“Hi Nicole.”
He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug.
“Hi”
She greeted back.
“you guys are such a cute couple.”
she smiled. They walked out the parking lot and went on the school’s quad where all the kids would hang out before school started.
“Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?”
Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded.
“Okay, see you guys later.”
She excused herself and made her way to the library after Maribel Garcia.
“Finally I got you all to myself.”
Lisa said smiling at Barrett as he had a smile across his face too.
“Oh really? Are you planning on seducing me?”
Barrett teased as pulled Lisa closer to him.
“Only if you promise to seduce me first.”
Lisa answered him sexually. “Oh I will.”
Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step. As they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung letting the student body know that it was time for first period. They walked to their first period class holding hands and cuddling like they always did every morning of a school day.
During U.S history Barrett and Lisa sat next to each other sending notes to one another. They would write how much they loved each other, and asked what were they’re plans for the weekend to see if they could go out on dates. Or do something else with each other, they normally went to the movies and sat in the very back to make out once everyone was out of the theater because the movie was over. Last July they went to see the movie called “Ultra Violet” it was an action flick, two guys from school started talking loud and throwing hpopcorn, until Barrett got frustrated by their immature behavior and decided to get up and beat the crap out of them and he did.
All four of them got kicked out of the AMC for a month because of the rough housing. Barrett passed a note to Lisa as Mr. Secoda was showing slides on the projector on the white board, Lisa unfolded the note and just started to read it when Mr. Secoda snatched it out her hands and took a glance at it and said.
“Do you have something you want to share with the class ?”
He asked Lisa and she shook her head nervously as she tried to swallow in the humiliation, but some how she couldn’t. Her throat was too dry.
“What do you think class? Should I read out loud?”
He announced at the students and everyone cheered and yelled yes. As Mr. Secoda read out loud the note, Lisa felt that she was getting warmer and warmer by the second. She didn’t care, she just focused on her hatred for Mr. Secoda, she felt this power surging through her and her hearing came back. She could see Mr. Secoda laughing with the note still in his hand and then the note suddenly self distructed in Mr. Secoda’s hands.
Mr. Secoda screamed, and screamed for help as a students ran to get the fire extinguisher to use on his chest,hands and face. Mr. Secoda was badly burn, his hand got extremely burnt and his hair burnt away. When the ambulance got there , Mr. Secoda had to be given knock out drugs because he couldn’t stand the burns. And once they stuffed him in ambulance Lisa was still shocked at what had just happened in front of her. But the question that kept running through her mind, “Was she responsible for what happened to Mr. Secoda?” He couldn’t ease her mind but she knew that was impossible. No one could do things like that with their minds. “Or could they?” She thought to herself but she decided that it was simply impossible and that she should just put it behind her. “Besides Mr. Secoda was playing with fire and if you played with fire you are guaranteed to be torched.” She said in her mind and smiling on the outside.
When lunch came mostly everybody was talking about the “Incident” that happened to poor Mr. Secoda, girls were whispering in each others ears and guys were saying how cool it was that Mr. Secoda got hurt because they hated him so much. Lisa, Barrett, and Anna Pandell were sitting in their favorite lunch table by the baseball field, and they all ate their lunch except lisa. Who was still pretty shaken up about Mr. Secoda, all that screaming Mr. Secoda did took away her appetite.
“What’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your lunch.”
Barrett said concerned as he rubbed his hand over Lisa’s stomach.
“I’m just not very hungry that’s all, I mean seeing someone being hurt like that does that to you.”
Lisa replied looking at Barrett.
“I know. But it’s best not to think about it.”
Barrett suggested leaning Lisa’s head on his shoulder for comfort.
“All this time wishing for something horrible to happen to Mr. Secoda being so hard on account of others feelings, I feel terrible.”
Anna answered regretful as she looked at them shocked, Lisa felt ashamed because she felt that Mr. Secoda received what he deserved. A few minutes the bell rung for the sixth period to begin, and for all students to clean after themselves and head to their classes. Anna said goodbye to them because they didn’t have the same class and also because after sixth period was over everyone goes home, Barrett hugged Lisa.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
he asked looking into her eyes for an honest answer.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’ll call you when I get home.”
Lisa replied to him as she ran her fingers in Barrett’s hair.
“Alright.”
Barrett kissed her and then went their separate ways. Barrett headed home because he had no sixth period since he was a senior, technically he needed go home after fifth period but he enjoyed having lunch with Lisa and Anna.
As Lisa entered in her theater class and headed to her seat she was interrupted by Rafael Barajas, he stepped in her way to say.
“Hi.”
She answered back to him annoyed. Lisa did not like Rafael at all because he would come in between Anna and her and that really pissed her off. Because she didn’t like sharing Anna with such a poser.
“So have you talked to Anna lately because when ever I like call her, she is never home and also I’ve noticed that she’s not around school.”
Rafael asked her out forward.
“Gee I wonder why?” Lisa said sarcastically.
As he put her backpack down underneath her chair.
“What?”
Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call. She would ask Anna if she wanted to talk to him but her answer was always the same.
“No”
So Mrs. Pandell would make excuses like.
“Oh honey she’s taking a shower, she’ll have to call you back.”
That one usually made him call the following day.
“Oh she told me to tell you that you’re so fucking annoying and to stop stalking her!”
Lisa lied angrily as Rafael’s jaw lowered in shock, Lisa took a breath and replied.
“I’m just kidding, she told me to tell you that their phone is out of order and their getting it fixed so you shouldn’t call even if it sounds like it just rings.”
Lisa lied again but this time Rafael nodded disappointed. “I think Anna’s his only friend…what a fucking loser…oh well what’s done is done.”
Lisa said inside her head as he saw Rafael walking away to his seat. The class had begun and Mrs. Klein was showing the parts of the stage. Because we were going to be tested this following Friday and we had to learn every part of the stage, or otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pick a partner for a scene. And of course it had to be assigned by Mrs. Klein, Lisa hated Mrs. Klein much more than Mr. Secoda and she wished that Mrs. Klien had gotten burn along with Mr. Secoda. Lisa couldn’t hold in her laughter so he let it out for the whole class to hear, just the thought of them burning brought laughter into her mind.
“Do you mind telling the class what it is that you find so funny that you have interrupt my lesson?”
Mrs. Klein asked her in a bitchy tone, lisa wanted to tell her that she was laughing because she found her burning with Mr. Secoda hilarious…no genius.
“Oh um….”
Lisa couldn’t make out the words for a good lie.
“Look we don’t have time for your stupidity, so just keep your mouth shut!”
Mrs. Klein snapped, and turned and faced the board.
“Bitch”
Katie cussed Mrs. Klein in the behalf of her, she turned to see Mrs. Klien next to her and she tried to keep in her laughter down, but she couldn’t. She laughed for Mrs. Klein to hear her.
“That’s it, I’m filling out a referral for you!”
Mrs. Klien answered angrily as she took a seat at her desk and started filling the form, lisa felt that feeling again, she went deaf and started to get warmer and all she focused on was the snow glove directly below Mrs. Klein face. Her eye sight suddenly zoomed in at the snow glove like a digital camera, and suddenly the snow glove shattered stabbing Mrs. Klein with broken glass in her face. Mrs. Klien screamed in terror and pain, because some of the glass had stabbed inside her eyes, blood ran down her face and everyone freaked out and a student went outside of the class to get help.
Another ambulance was called to the High School, Mrs. Klein wouldn’t shut up she kept screaming in pain, Lisa wished she would have been caught on fire just like Mr. Secoda, at least he was a little quieter. School was dismissed early on count of the other “Incident”. Lisa felt conscience free because she felt she wasn’t responsible for the freaky coincidence that occurred today. First Mr. Secoda and then Mrs. Klein gets it. “Am I causing these weird occurrences? Do I have this ability that ends up hurting the people that I hate…Nah?” She reassured herself as she walked to the bus stop with Nicole.
“I can’t believe two teachers got hurt today in just one day!”
Nicole said to Lisa a little bit freaked out.
“Yeah and I was the witness to both of them.”
Lisa answered stiffly as she thought back. That feeling she felt when Mr. Secoda read his note from Barrett out loud to the whole class. She felt angry and full of rage, maybe these accidents are triggered within her. Maybe she had the gift to cause things with her mind. And maybe she had “Telekinesis” the ability to move or shatter things with her mind. She then realized that she had put two people in the hospital because of her uncontrollable anger and rage within her.
When the bus arrived they both climbed in and took a seat next to each other, Lisa took the window seat. The bus drove off and Lisa looked outside and thought that she will put these so called powers to the test. She thought back at Mr. Secoda’s laughter and how he made fun of her, and then suddenly she felt stronger. And she looked outside, a road filled with cars, she focused on a truck with a cargo of helium tanks. Her vision zoomed in at the tanks, and out of nowhere the tanks exploded, making every car near it started flying in mid air.
“Oh my god!”
Lisa yelled pretty freaked out.
“I did do those things.”
No one on the bus heard her because everyone on the bus turned to look at the exploding cars because the first explosion made them get caught on fire also.
When Lisa got home she admittedly went to her room, locked the door and turned on her television to see the news. She turned to channel 9, a reporter was standing ten feet away from the tragedy.
“I’m here where helium tanks just combusted causing major mayhem,our sources tell us that there are no survivors….twenty five people have lost their lives.” the reporter said.
Lisa turned off the T.V. rapidly not wanting to hear more.
“Oh my god what have I done…I’ve killed innocent people…but I didn’t mean to.”
She talked to herself trying to convince herself of her innocence in all of this. She climbed in bed and laid scared, crying in tears, she cried herself to sleep.
The next day lisa left her home, her family, and her life.
She awoke with a start, cold sweat running down her forehead. The sun shown bright and she squinted against it. Whipping her forehead with the back of her hand she grunted and sat up in her vehicle. It was still morning, The birds sang and the mist rolled across the wide fields. Lisa quickly pulled her long curly blond hair back into a pony tail. She then got out of the back seat, looking around, she saw no sign of a place or town. Lisa slammed the car door shut and walked to the front, She slid into the seat wondering if her dream had been real. She put the keys into the ignition and with one turn the thunderbird roared to life. She quickly sped off. What a mess I got myself into. She thought to herself. Why would they still be after me? She had no where to go. She had gotten rid of her mother’s credit cards, they ransacked her mother’s home so there was nothing worth salvaging. They had her parents threatened if they held any thing from them they would kill them. She sighed. She blocked out every thing, right now she needed a place to stay and a job so she could start all over again. Maybe some place in the middle of no where, that sounds good. She thought. Driving off.
I’m probably being a terrible editor this way, but I admit to have skimmed your story. However, I did read more of the beginning more carefully, but it suddenly became so, um, mundane, where Lisa was running away from someone/something, but I lost interest right about until Lisa was passing notes with Barrett, and getting in trouble with the teacher.
The beginning was cliche, but it caught my interest by putting the character immediately into action. Relatively, that is. I’m sure there is a better way of introducing the character, because after the chase sequence, the cut back scene of her ordinary life didn’t do justice for the established intro. This part is supposed to make the character more relatable to the reader(which I’m assuming is the 11-17 demographic), but it felt rather boring to read through. It’s delaying the action, and telling me as a reader that Lisa was late for school and she wears emo pants(also, using stereotypes as descriptions from a first-person omniscient view is rather distasteful, it works only if it’s from first-person pov describing someone else). A lot of writers do this, from the amateurs to the professionals(for example in Twilight, the reader does not need to be told that Bella ate a granola bar for breakfast today). It stales the action that you already foreshadowed in the beginning, and my interest dropping from then afterwards.
I know you won’t focus too much on Lisa’s school life, but that was also somewhat a gripe for me too. Once again, I have to point out another string of cliches here. Cliches can be effectively used, but as first time writers, they’re generally not recommended to incorporate into the plot. I’ve probably lost count how many times I’ve watched a tv series, read a story, played a game, and they always feature the main character as late(Sailor Moon especially, why is it that everytime her alarm clock rings, it’s always late?), it’s so overdone. Same goes with the note passing(is this supposed to take place in the past or present? Your target audience mainly uses texting, it’s less sexier but it makes more sense), and the teachers on a power trip.
I’ll read over the excerpts a bit at a time, and I will try to make a few more suggestions than just criticisms, since I tend to be harsh when editing.
My first impression is that it’s difficult to tell how this ties into the rest of the story because it’s not a chapter.
Some of the tensing, punctuation and grammar are a bit off. For example, “With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.” I think that should read “With her heart pounding in her ears, Lisa Myers slid into an alleyway.”
Make sure that there’s a punctuation mark separating each sentence.
Her mind raced how could he have found her, she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.” “Her mind raced” is a sentence of its own, so I’d recommend ending it with a period.
“Alley” (the narrow space between buildings) is a different word than “ally” (friend or partner). In this context, I think “alley” makes more sense.
Punctuation would help make this a lot smoother.
“Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”. I would recommend punctuating this as: “Damn it, Lisa! Come on out, baby. Let’s talk about this,” he said.
“hoped to God” could probably be shortened to just “prayed.”
I don’t understand what’s happening with the “click click.” Is she trying to fire a gun at him? Is he trying to fire a gun at her?
“wishing she could be anyone but her.” I think “anyone else” would be a bit smoother.
There’s a lot of telling here. She felt fear… this wasn’t happening, she thought… exclaimed angrily, etc.
The punctuation could be a LOT smoother. Fortunately, the spelling is generally solid.
Do we need to see that she brushes her teeth and combs her hair as part of her morning routine? Why is that important? Generally, if a detail doesn’t develop a character or advance the plot, I would recommend removing it.
“Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B…” This is quite a long bit of narratorial exposition. Do you think there’s some way to show us that she’s become a good student rather than tell us? (For example, if she’s a good student, perhaps she spends more time studying or puts more thought into her homework or has become more organized or whatever).
“My alarm didn’t go off to wake me.” I think that “to wake me” is unnecessary– it’s pretty clear what the alarm was meant to do.
Do we need these last names? For example, Barrett Finch. Does “Finch” matter? If not, I’d recommend removing it, at least for now.
“She loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers.” All of these details can be shown rather than told.
“…they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured…” First, I think Lisa is misspelled here. Second, do ladies in concerts typically get measured for tuxedos? Maybe they’d wear dresses?
“Hey.”
“Hi Nicole.”
He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug.
“Hi”
She greeted back.
“you guys are such a cute couple.”
she smiled.
“Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?”
Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded.
“Okay, see you guys later.”
–> This passage is a LOT of chatting. It doesn’t develop a character or advance the plot much, so I’d recommend cutting or shortening it. You might like to read this article on superfluous dialogue.
“Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step.” Show us these details. It’s just the narrator telling us that their relationship isn’t built on sex. Maybe if we saw them doing something else, this detail would be clearer. Also, “there relationship” should be “their relationship” and “as they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung” should be, umm, maybe “as they lustily kissed, suddenly the bell rung.”
The capitalization sometimes shifts. Sometimes it’s U.S. history, sometimes it’s U.S. History. I’d recommend being consistent.
I think hpopcorn should be popcorn.
Umm, Barrett just suddenly beats the crap out of a few guys. It sort of came out of the blue. Was it meant to be, umm, funny?
“some how” –> one word.
Random question. How would you describe your relationships with teachers? If you have a teacher or teachers you really don’t like, I think the Secoda scene and the Klein scene may raise authorial distance issues. They feel sort of, umm, unrealistically nasty? Particularly Klein.
“Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call.” This is a really long sentence. Also, I’d recommend showing the details rather than telling them.
Is her name Klein or Klien?
I need help with my two stories, Inhuman Theory and Fanboys.
Inhuman Theory is about a group of inhumans: Lucas (light manipulator), his wife Janie (can see past, present and future), Ace (electricity manipulation and generation and magnetism manipulation), his younger sister Jade (invisibility and phasing), Travis (psychokinesis) and his long time girlfriend Lucy (substance transformation into a diamond which grants her strength and durability). Inhumans from the future, Cypher( mind works like a computer but faster & advanced hand-to-hand combat), Gabriel( time & space manipulation), Nina(power mimicry), Devin( possession, mind control, communication with animal & machines) warn Lucas and his friends about the destruction that the daughter of Lucas and Janie would do in the future. Her name is Rayne (reality manipulation) and the only one who can stop it is Silhouette (shadow manipulation and life force-manipulation) but she has evil intentions of her own. Silhouette and Rayne have a special connection.
Fanboys is about four teens who participate in comic-cons. Their motto is girls, school and comic books. The four teens participate in the Phoenix Project. After the experiment, they develop powers but discover that having superpowers isn’t as fun as it sounds.
“Their motto is girls, school and comic books.” Sadly, you can only have two of the three… Unless you’re Vin Diesel.
I think your story sounds workable but not too well-developed at this point. What are the teens like, in terms of personality and traits? What’s the Phoenix Project and why are they involved? What’s the main objective of the characters? Who’s the antagonist driving the story? (I suppose that you could do a random slice-of-life story without an antagonist, but it’s very tricky).
Agreed.
Umm, with Inhuman Theory, I think there are probably too many characters. By my count, Lucas, Janie, Ace, Jade, Travis, Lucy, Cypher, Gabriel, Nina, Devin, Rayne and Silouhette.
I have a story I’m working on where the plot is completely driven by the origin story, nothing is as important as the origin story… Well, here goes.
These scientists discover an alien virus that causes random anomylous changes in human DNA, and in an “accident” the virus is set loose. Because of it’s extra terrestrial nature noone knows how to fight it or protect against it and it spreads to virtually everyone in the world. Those who are infected either develop such drastic changes to their chemical and physical makeup that they die. While others develop superhuman albiet scientifically explainable powers. Some however are either not infected or not affected by the virus. This leaves 60% of the human pop. Dead. 30% unaffected, and 10% with powers.
The main character, Sabien Gray, is originally a funny, intelligent, social guy who lives a perfectly normal life. Until his whole family and most of his friends die as a result of the virus. Only he and his brother, Indigo, survive. Both develop superpowers and proceed to use them as they will.
Sabien rounds up his more competent powered friends and goes off in search of answers and revenge and possibly a cure for the virus.
Indigo on the other hand begins to see the world as his playground and begins to use his powers to screw around with others and steal money valuable things only to throw them away or burn them when he’s done. (if you can, imagine a less psychotic, not so evil version of Heath Ledger’s Joker).
I should mention that Sabien has control over energy. His body is a giant electrical battery:absorbing, storing, and releasing energy
Part 2)
whereas indigo is a ghost. He has a gaseous form that allows him to travel like count Dracula or a spirit ands he uses this to his advantage in his many schemes, heists, and large scale practical jokes.
The other charactars include Hannah, a young woman who can ignite her hands into a deadly green flame… That burns her flesh like actual fire. Oliver, a healer who tends to Hannah’s burns ever time she uses her power, and who’s body is so regenerative he is Virtually immortal. Max, an autistic psychic. And Madeline, a super strong Namor-esque hero with subaquatic tendancies.
Villains include: indigo, who although not evil is chaotic enough to be a protagonist. And a large group of supers who want to take over as much of the world as they can in it’s current state of chaos known as the “Peacemakers”.
The scientists who discovered the virus, and the alien race who created it.
Any thoughts?
I apologize for the MANY grammatic and spelling errors in these posts.
Okay, so the virus hitting Earth and giving out superpowers is the premise. What’s the plot like? It sounds like there’s a lot going on and I think it might help to determine what the protagonists’ most important goal is. Some possibilities that come to mind are…
–revenge against the aliens
–Stopping the group of supers that want to take over (large parts of) the world
–Stopping Indigo (which sounds pretty minor unless he somehow attempts some high-stakes villainy).
–Curing the disease (which sounds pretty minor because it sounds like the disease has already infected and killed almost all of the people it was ever going to).
Self named Alien X is a technopath and goes from star system to star system that has intelligent life. Like a falling star he ‘invades’ the planets by crash landing on its surface. He announces his attentions to select a guardian for earth (through the various means of electronic communication) and gives instructions to those who dare. Up front entry requirement is ‘not to be too old or too young and none of those trouble makers you call leaders’. Only ??,???? (not to sure on the number) take up his dare and thus past the first test. Courage in the face of fear. The rest for obvious reasons are shit scared and refuse. Michael strike is born to the late astronaut William Strike who died on earth’s maiden voyage to Mars. Has taken up Alien X’s call. This is one small step for him, but one giant leap for humankind. lol.
I’m thinking X-Factor meets Charlie and chocolate factory, who then meets Green lantern.
Is that too whacky?
Replace X-Factor with Silver Surfer and it sounds about right. But to keep it from being too wacky, I think it’d be best if there was some specific reason he ended up taking up the mantle. Say, for e.g., that each country’s military sends five of their physically and mentally fit people to volunteer?
Hey, ShardReaper. I just responded to your e-mail.
Yeah I had that thought about Silver Surfer. But apart from the fact an alien comes to his planet and in the end his given powers. There is where there similarity begins and ends. Thankfully everything else is far apart. I hear you about the country’s military thing. However one’s physical ability has no variable to being chosen. Since they’d be enhanced with powers. Plus its not a fitness contest. His a meritocratic alien you know with a real agenda
Just for the record, B.Mac, what address did you send it to?
qwe-at-qwe. I just forwarded it to jcoop…* as well.
*abridged for privacy reasons
It’s cool, I got it now. Thanks.
Ok I’ve decided to Strike junior will attend a university that gears its students towards non military space activities. In the same vein our military schools do today. His just graduated from a boarding school, which is also based on our present day military high schools we have in the U.K for the sons and daughters to the military.
My character Anarchy is a pyrokinetic but i am having a hardtime coming up with a origin
So… what’s his personality like? What sort of traits are most important to emphasize? If the only thing that’s important about him is that he’s an anarchist, you might do something like him trying to set a building on fire or getting chased by police and accidentally exposing himself to dangerous chemicals in the process. Or maybe he’s suspicious of something the government is doing and he accidentally gets exposed to something they’re working on.
If I could make a suggestion, I’d have the origin start with something he does. (IE: Not the government randomly picking his name out of a hat or randomly getting exposed to a meteor, but him doing something that puts him at the place where the accident or whatever happens).
Hey I have an origin story for a character and I wanted to get some opinions on it… It’s mostly an origin story on how he got his powers and whatnot.
Note: people from the 22nd century don’t have second names, they just have one name; Max, Juram, Kidd etc.
Origins
Max was a normal everyday kid of the 22rd century before the bolide rain came; a day marked in history as the day strange comet/ bolide like structures rained down all over Earth. However before hitting the ground they dispersed and disappeared. Later it was discovered that those closest to the “almost” crash sites began to gain supernatural powers, scientists claim that these people’s brains were enhanced by the energy emitted from the comet like structures. They gained a higher percentage of their brain power, varying between 30 to 60 %, hence unlocking unbelievable supernatural powers.
These people are called Comets and Max is one of them. His parents Juram and Sara were quite accepting about his powers, feeling that his powers are gift from God, he needs to harness. Max’s powers began to develop when he was only 7 and he supposedly gained them at the age of three when he and his mother were “nearly” as she (his mother) thought; hit by one of the bolides/ comets.
Is it important to include a character’s power origin in the first novel?
It’s just that with mine, you don’t see any of these. You get hints, and discussions about it, but the reader doesn’t actually get those scenes. It’s about the origin of their team, what brought them together to make a stand for what’s right.
If the characters are veteran superheroes on a team, I think it’s okay to gloss over the origin of their powers and/or why they banded together. For example, I gave each veteran’s origin story about a sentence in this scene. With a rookie character and/or somebody new to his powers, I’d usually recommend going into more detail because he’s probably still adjusting to the changes.
But they aren’t veterans. They were teenagers dealing with superpowers in a world that condemns them for just being different…
sorry, think I wrote that too aggressively.
They aren’t veteran superherose, so do you think that still applies?
Although there is one character who just recently got his powers
It could probably work either way, but personally I’d recommend covering the origin(s) at least briefly. A sentence could be sufficient. (Are we talking about individual origins or everybody sharing the same mass origin, like everybody on the team being mutants?)
Alternately, if you’d like to avoid discussing the origins entirely, you could just say that nobody knows where the powers came from. I think that’d be a sensible in-story reason to not discuss it.
I think it would be a bit harder for readers to mentally navigate the story if the characters knew where the powers came from but the readers didn’t. But if the main characters don’t know, it’s okay if the readers are on their page.
…
With the discrimination angle, it may help to start the book shortly after the characters’ powers manifest and they are subjected to discrimination. I think that would help introduce the world to the readers. On the other hand, you mentioned that one of the characters recently got his powers. That may be sufficient.
That could be why I’m having trouble. The origins aren’t really similar. Some are mutants, others from scientific accidents, still others from science on purpose. There is one factor that connects half of the team (the secret arch enemy).
Most of the team don’t know where each others powers are from, so the reader isn’t exactly off guard. A few don’t even know where their own power comes from.
Hey guys id like some help with my superhero origin. Sp far this is what I have so far please give me some feedback and pointers.
Many years ago a young teen girl from Spring City named Maria was somehow transported to a world that con-exist with our own known as the Demon World. Though inhabited by demons the world the demons are not all monstrous mindless creatures. Many have human like appearances. The world is 2 times the size of our own filled with many kingdoms and villages.
Maria is found by brothers, Roark and young Fierro. The two brothers fall for the girl and protect her. They bring her to the Guardian (peace keeping warriors who train heroes of the demon world). They learn that Maria holds the power to unlock the legendary sword the Lexicon.
Tyro a young new Guardian is assigned to bringing Maria to the temple where the sword lies. Roark and Fierro tag along and they learn a sinister force also wants the weapon. The sword is summoned and it bonds with Fierro. The trio defeat the dark forces who want the sword and are taken into the Guardian academy. Maria sent back to the Human world.
Many years pass and both Fierro and Roark become heroes throught the Demon World. But when Vexen a powerful demon rises the Guardians are slaughtered. few remain as Vexen brings forth an army. Roark joins vexens army as his haterd and jelousy of his brother grows. Maria and Fierro have become close by now and she is pregnant. Fierro relinquishes the Lexicon to his unborn son and sacrifeces himself to defeat Lord Vexen. but his followers are strong Tyro one of the few Guardians left goes with Maria into the human world.
Maria gives birth to young Max. She raises him for 5 years until Roark comes for her and kills her. Tyro comes and saves young max and seemingly defeats Roark.
Now 10 years later teen Max lives a normal teen life. he knows nothing of his parents adventures, or his mothers death. With normal teen problems Max is suddenly sucked into his parents secret life as a demon attacks him outside his school. His instincts kick in and for the first time he summons the Lexicon.
He is not skilled with it and is almost killed until Tyro now a bitter warrior in his 40s comes to Max’s rescue. Tyro tells Max this is just the beggening and more will come for the sword as a group of Demons known as Vexens Hand have learned of maxs existence and the Lexicon.
Max begins his training with tyro as he learns to become the protecter of Spring City as the new Guardian.
Thats what I got so far for an origin story. I know its kinda long. im also working on the first few story lines that are about Roarks return and Tyro losing all his powers. Please let me know what you think.
–When you sell it to publishers, I’d recommend making it clearer which character(s) are the leads. I’d only recommend starting with Maria if she’s the most important character, which I don’t think is the case. I’d recommend starting with Max and the demon attack, then him meeting Tyro and learning about his origins.
–The Maria-Roark-Fierro love triangle could be interesting, but I don’t get the feeling it’d be very interesting in the context of this story. I think it’d be more interesting if it had a greater impact on Max in the “present” of the story. I don’t get that impression yet. One possibility might be slotting the third leg of the triangle (Fierro) into the father/mentor role currently played by Tyro.
–The basic premise (a normal teenager is pulled into supernatural adventures) feels similar to very many anime stories I’ve read or watched, such as Inuyasha, Bleach and Yu-Yu Hakusho. To differentiate yourself, I’d recommend fleshing out the personalities of the characters more. Particularly Max. I find Tyro’s bitterness refreshing. (Also, he’s younger than I expected).
“I’m also working on the first few story lines that are about Roark’s return and Tyro losing all of his powers.” Okay, but what about Max? If he’s the main protagonist (and it appears he is), I would not recommend leaving his motivations and goals as an afterthought. For example, what’s he trying to accomplish in his everyday life? (Romance? Dominating the debate team? Becoming a master tennis player? Surviving class?) How does this demonic angle in his life affect that? How does he respond to his new responsibilities and the new dangers that face him? In the context of a story that appears to be about Max first and foremost, I think that’s more interesting than what Tyro is doing.
–What’s Max’s living situation like? I assume he’s living with foster parents because his biological parents have been killed, right? What are they like? Do they know (or suspect) anything about Max’s origins? Did Tyro tell them anything before dumping the infant on their doorstep? Did Tyro pick them out? If so, what about these potential parents stood out to him?
I have an idea for a comic book/novel… and have an Idea about the main charcters origin. i kinda have a backstory but needs work…
Basiclly its December 21, 2012 the solar system aligns with the sun. The sun shoots out a solar flare that engulf the earth with radiation… the radiation cause humans to have powers. ALso the earth alignment tilts the earth which cause major destruction from the alignment. that floads over flow countrys and ect… basiclly humans use there powers to rebuild earth. 3 years later crime happens… the main character that i have in mind can only fly. but he is later trained after getting his powers in sword training, bow and arrow training, fighting with a shield. He’s is a toon that i made up on Champions Online which is an MMO superhero game… The good thing is i know what he looks like. I just need help with his origin.
Please reply…
Here is my main character… his name is Patriarch…
I also want my main character nemsis to be his girlfriend… but they have no idea… kind like mr. and mrs. smith that movie finding out that they are enemies… my the nemsis find out the Patriarchs identity after beating him in a fight. in that fight Patriarch looses his powers due to an Eclipse… yeah that what i got…
http://www.champions-online.com/character_profiles/3148742/view
oh also after the battle the nemsis publicly displays the patriarch mask and tells the world his identity. That when the Patriarch becomes the Golden Arrow… a hero with no powers. He has a Katana, Bow and arrows, and a tech shield (but idk if i want to give him a shield). He is similar to the Patriarch, but is more of a vigilanty, and becomes and anti-hero…
But says that, “There will always be a need for the Patriarch. He is a symbol of justice. Thats what the world needs.”
So the Golden Arrow is a more of a character that is able to fight crime without being restricted. Because the Patriarch has a code of Justice, and the Golden Arrow is able to fight crime in a more violent style… but not killing anyone.
Tell me what you think
oh and here is the Golden Arrow.
http://www.champions-online.com/character_profiles/3273842/view
When the world goes to hell with flooding and the like, why does it take three years for crime to go up? (Why wouldn’t people be desperate right away, around as soon as they started starving?)
“after the battle the nemsis publicly displays the patriarch mask and tells the world his identity.” Why does this matter? She’s already defeated him in combat. (Also, how does he survive that defeat? Hopefully she doesn’t just let him go).
…
I’m not sure the secret identity angle will be effective here. For one thing, the only friend or family you mentioned is a girlfriend that is actually his nemesis. So it’s not clear that being outed as a superhero actually threatens anything valuable to him. If losing the secret identity is supposed to matter, I’d recommend giving him somebody that he would care about losing.
…
I’m not sure how you explain this in-story, but I suspect it’ll feel pretty contrived that his girlfriend just happens to be his nemesis. One possibility for explaining that plot hole would be that she dated him as a ploy to get close to the Patriarch. (Maybe she knew all along that he was the Patriarch, or maybe just had a general impression that “hey, Clark Kent seems to do a lot of work with Superman, so following CK around will be a good way to find Superman”).
Thanks B.mac And to answer those questions I have actually been thinking that Tyro is a alias used by Fierro who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen.(kinda like Obiwon-konobi is Ben Konobi). But doesnt tell Max who he really is. But not sure about that change yet.
Maxs is a trouble maker who seems to care for nobody. Slacks off in school feels alone in the world. Under Tyros training he begins to feel a connection and like he belongs. And with the sacrifice both his parents made for him he begins to feel like he too wants to be heroic.
And for Maxs everyday life he begins to be tutored by his crazy obsessed neighbor Beth(who is in love with Max), which he begins to miss because of his fight with demons. She decides to follow Max around to see why he has been missing his sessions and learns what he has been doing. Being a very smart girl she becomes kinda of like the Chloe Sullivan to Max.
Maxs sudden change from total jerk to kinda trying to be nice also catches the attention of Adriane the new girl in school (who Max falls for). But Zane Maxs long time rival begins to go after her as well. Zane is also one of Maxs villains as it is revealed he is the son of a Shadow Demon defeated by Maria years ago.
Max also gains a best friend in Jay another trouble maker who doesnt understand Maxs sudden change of heart. He will eventually be killed by a demon which will cause Max to abandon all human connections until he learns Adriane is pregnant with his baby.(But that’s later on).
Max lives with his aunt Jen and her young 8 year old son Josh. She knows of her sisters demon adventures and her and Tyro have a deal that Max is to never know. So both Max and Tyro must keep Maxs Demon fighting a secret. But she begins to get suspicious when a local unidentified superhero begins fighting monsters.
I also have idea for latter stories of a Team of demons in the demon world known as the New Guardians who have been fighting Vexens Hand to bring peace back to the world. The hear of Maxs heroics in the Human world against agents sent by Vexens Hand and decide to bring him to the Demon world to help fight. They are led by Jyro the son Tyro beleived was dead years ago and his girlfriend Zara sister of Zane he never knew he had. Max with his new confidence will grow to lead this team against Vexens hand until Lord vexen himself somehow returns.
Just some ideas so far.
So what ya think????
Thanks B.mac And to answer those questions I have actually been thinking that Tyro is a alias used by Fierro who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen.(kinda like Obiwon-konobi is Ben Konobi). But doesnt tell Max who he really is. But not sure about that change yet.
Maxs is a trouble maker who seems to care for nobody. Slacks off in school feels alone in the world. Under Tyros training he begins to feel a connection and like he belongs. And with the sacrifice both his parents made for him he begins to feel like he too wants to be heroic.
And for Maxs everyday life he begins to be tutored by his crazy obsessed neighbor Beth(who is in love with Max), which he begins to miss because of his fight with demons. She decides to follow Max around to see why he has been missing his sessions and learns what he has been doing. Being a very smart girl she becomes kinda of like the Chloe Sullivan to Max.
Maxs sudden change from total jerk to kinda trying to be nice also catches the attention of Adriane the new girl in school (who Max falls for). But Zane Maxs long time rival begins to go after her as well. Zane is also one of Maxs villains as it is revealed he is the son of a Shadow Demon defeated by Maria years ago.
Max also gains a best friend in Jay another trouble maker who doesnt understand Maxs sudden change of heart. He will eventually be killed by a demon which will cause Max to abandon all human connections until he learns Adriane is pregnant with his baby.(But that’s later on).
Max lives with his aunt Jen and her young 8 year old son Josh. She knows of her sisters demon adventures and her and Tyro have a deal that Max is to never know. So both Max and Tyro must keep Maxs Demon fighting a secret. But she begins to get suspicious when a local unidentified superhero begins fighting monsters.
I also have idea for latter stories of a Team of demons in the demon world known as the New Guardians who have been fighting Vexens Hand to bring peace back to the world. The hear of Maxs heroics in the Human world against agents sent by Vexens Hand and decide to bring him to the Demon world to help fight. They are led by Jyro the son Tyro beleived was dead years ago and his girlfriend Zara sister of Zane he never knew he had. Max with his new confidence will grow to lead this team against Vexens hand until Lord vexen himself somehow returns.
Just some ideas so far.
So what ya think????
“I have been actually thinking that Tyro is an alias used by Fierro, who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen…” Hmm. I like the idea of simplifying the backstory by removing and/or merging characters, but this would seem to lead into a cliched Darth Vader “Luke, I am your father” moment. One possibility that might be a bit more promising would be the son gradually realizing the truth and confronting the father rather than the father revealing it to the son.
Will it feel contrived that Max just happens to be a rival with someone that just happens to be the son of a demon? Is this just a coincidence or is there some reason that they happened to meet each other?
I think some of the names could be more distinct. For example, Tyro and Jyro and Zara and Zane.
Do you have any sample pages and/or chapters?
“I have been actually thinking that Tyro is an alias used by Fierro, who is in hiding after his final battle with Vexen…” Hmm. I like the idea of simplifying the backstory by removing and/or merging characters, but this would seem to lead into a cliched Darth Vader “Luke, I am your father” moment. One possibility that might be a bit more promising would be the son gradually realizing the truth and confronting the father rather than the father revealing it to the son.
Will it feel contrived that Max just happens to be a rival with someone that just happens to be the son of a demon? Is this just a coincidence or is there some reason that they happened to meet each other?
I think some of the names could be more distinct. For example, Tyro and Jyro and Zara and Zane.
Do you have any sample pages/chapters?
Thanks again B mac im actually working on writing some pages. Its tough to find time. I literally have dozens of notebooks with different story ideas and story lines. I literally have two notebooks with overview and ideas for Maxs storyline and it goes for years in story that is. I also have quite a few notebooks with ideas for Zane alone who, at least to me, has grown to the point were I think the srory could have two main characters Max and Zane. I have a story overview but its kinda long.
The story has been building up to a team of heroes which i think the final part of what I hope could be an epic series could be about, led by a now adult Max and Zane.
But your rite about some of the names and im working on that but after all these years of writing its hard to change them. I was wondering if maybe you could refer me to a book or website cause i wanna write this into a comic but have no idea how. In high school i took a class on writing scripts for commercials so thats what i been thinking about going with.
Would you want to look at the overview and maybe help me keep the main story focused?
Everything helps so thanks.
If you’d like to send me the overview, you can e-mail me at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com, but I think it’d be more helpful to look at sample pages. To get this published, you’d probably want to do a one-shot story ~32 pages long. To help keep yourself in a tight length, I’d recommend keeping the story as simple as possible at first. For example, since the kid’s life only seems to get notably out of the ordinary when he pulls the Lexicon out, I’d recommend starting the story there. (The inciting event of the story is when he pulls it out). I think it’d be easier to ease into his adult life over time but I don’t know if you’d have the time at the beginning.
…
If the publisher publishes the one-shot and likes how it turns out, they may agree to publish something longer later. (But longer series cost a lot more money to publish, so it’s easier to break in with something short at the beginning).
Thanks bmac
Would it be okay to give the main character’s parents some status? Like Idk a highly wanted criminal a respected Minister or a very powerful fighter that is renown etc. Or does that add to the whole chosen one complex you mentioned.
But the character will be relatively poor as he grows up in the streets with his brother. They’re both considered low-class power users (in a world where people know about superpowered beings) and are out casted as useless trash.
Aden’s brother lets this jade him and proves to be very powerful after training his powers for years. He seeks out and kills the head minister of Power City and says his plan is to kill the weak and only allow the strong to live in order to show the world what he and his brother went through.
However Aden holds no such grudge against Power City and believes it’s corrupt system just needs some tweaking. He disagrees with his brother’s violent solution as he seeks to campaign for public office, get a reputation and fix things diplomatically.
When his brother goes too far and turns Power city into a hellhole of war; with gangs, and everyday people along with power-users and cops you name it just slaughtering each other to survive. In his view powers or no powers, if you survive the city’s massacre you’re worthy. The rest of the world cut Power City off and locked it down due to its risk to the global community.
Aden then decides to leave the city after finding a way out and tries to form a team, when he comes back with them he wishes to fight and stop his brother, believing there is no other way.
Aden works for all his power and he definitely has zero percent natural talent well he has some but at an average level and he’s not some chosen one he’s somewhat relatable given his younger days and how rough they were and he’s connected to villain very closely so much that he feels it’s his responsibility to stop him.
“Would it be okay to give the main character’s parents some status? Like Idk a highly wanted criminal a respected Minister or a very powerful fighter that is renown etc. Or does that add to the whole chosen one complex you mentioned.” I think it could be a problem, but it sounds like he’ll be dealing with serious obstacles (growing up in the streets, etc). If he’s able to succeed in this situation, I think it’ll be because he stands out and not because of who his father was.
Thanks that’s some good input.
hey, Ive wanted to start writing a superhero origin for ages now and Ive planned out many characters but I never know how to start them? or what a good storyline would be? The main character would be a teenage girl who has skin formed of metal, kind of like Colussos? or her power would be she has invisibility but when she turns invisbile she can see/contact dead people or ghosts. Just a view ideas that need developing
For her metal skin, an interesting plot would be that she could be a loner living by herself when a person (preferably someone who doesn’t become the protagonist’s boyfriend/girlfriend to avoid it spinning into a Bella/Edward superhero cliche. Like a little kid or an adult) get’s in danger and she saves them. Then the person insists on her living with her and the girl try’s her hardest to not hurt the person she saved and tries to adapt to her new life. For her invisibility/ghost visibility power maybe she has to find the ghost of a loved one who was killed and has to convince them to enter their body before it decays. Maybe, Alex, ghosts don’t want to enter their body again or it is too difficult/painful and they don’t want to do it. I made the plots smaller to avoid them spinning into ‘a man has to save the day’ cliche…hmm…those last two words rhymed a bit…
Ahh thankyou
i like the idea of the invisibility power i think more now, but like what could or how would her power develop? or be triggered?
I assume you mean the invisibility, so maybe her friends could pressure her into going to this ‘haunted place’ and a poltergeist comes and attacks her but since she can see it she manages to get out alive. Also, she needs a weakness or limitation. I recommend something like it irritates ghosts around her and makes them angry, so they tend to attack her. Or every time she uses her invisibility she becomes more and more transparent until she is a full ghost and can’t turn visible again. Also…SNOW IN MEMPHIS! we got like 5 inches and it’s still coming down hard! No school!
Oh I forgot, he power could develop by ghosts coming to her (assuming they won’t get irritated very much or just tolerate it) with problems like wanting to kill their killer or saying a goodbye to the people they didn’t have enough time to say goodbye to. Hope that helps! if you have any other question’s feel free to ask, I like doing B.Mac’s job…not that he officially told me to do it but…I just happened to get there first… if that makes sense.
“I’ve wanted to start writing a superhero origin for ages now and I’ve planned out many characters but I never know how to start them. What would a good storyline be?”
One possibility would be to put something they value at risk or endanger them. Have them respond, preferably in a distinct/unusual way that fits them (and their personalities, goals, flaws, etc) but wouldn’t fit most other protagonists in their genre.
yeah thats a good idea, so when she turns invisible, she enters like “the deadworld” and ghosts are irritated by it and tend to attack her, getting more violent the longer she stays in that world.
Or the longer she stays in the world, the more she becomes a ghost.
well i was in a lesson the other day and thought, the character wants to find out who had murdered and raped her dead younger sister
Actually im still stuck on what sets off her power? any ideas would be helpful
Well…um…I mean Ive never heard of a person that could phase into a ghost-maybe turn invisible but rarely a ghost so I think it’s fine the way it is.
Aden Yusuf
He was born with a spirit orb called Dark Lion. It’s power allows Aden to transform his body parts into a black flexible mist like substance that can incinerate through just about anything as long as Aden’s own spirit input is strong enough. Baiscally it’s only limit is Aden’s own spiritual input, as he grows in willpower or anger or generally if he grows as a person, his spirit input grows as well so his power becomes all the more powerful. But that’s Style 1 of Dark Lion, style 2 envelopes him in a black aura that takes the same affect as his incineration. In this form he can fire energy blasts or well basically he grows in strength and agility and he usually fights like a lion/ he takes a Lion/ animal-like stance.
AURA; beings who are born with spirit orbs in their souls/ combined with their souls. These orbs were originally the souls of mystical creatures who died, when mystical creatures die they don’t go to Heaven or Hell unlike Humans. No, they’re souls are taken to a place called “the pool”, while their they lay in wait until a Human with a compatible soul to theirs is found on Earth, once this happens they come down to our world and combine with the Human’s soul permanently, hence giving them powers similar to their own when they were alive, but even more powerful and somewhat different.
Aden’s father abandoned him and his mother died, he’s being raised by his grandparents who like him are Auras.
They’re both powerful and accomplished Auras at that, his grandmother doesn’t take much interest in him as
she is obsessed with doing research on unusual subjects; either normal biologicals or supernatural biologicals
, Aden gets her to train him by offering himself up as research material however after she gained enough knowledge
about his powers she simply got bored and refused to train him. Nonetheless Aden’s grandfather trains him quite often
and seems very interested in his grandson’s continuous growth as an Aura.
As a member of the order his job is to preserve peace and order in the world, something he finds requires his constant
growth and effort, not only that but he must always have faith in himself and God and in his friends and family or
else the evil he fights will surely win the battle. As for the kinda people he fights; *Magical monsters, *Rogue Auras
*Evil Sorcerers *Rampaging Mystics and Mystical creatures and *Average everyday criminals would be just about it.
His friends are Liban Igal; the armless griffin orb Aura with a short fuse and alotta power, Chas Hawthor; the Animal breed orb Aura
who hates Liban but loves Aden. Together they make up the crazy trio, part of the currently growing generation of Aura
hoping to protect the world!
That’s the life of Aden Yusuf, preserver of peace and super cool Aura!
Tell me what you think of my earlier post.
It’s all very good, but who’s the main antagonist? I think a novel should have major antagonist(s) if there are major protagonist(s). Also I really didn’t see the plot besides ‘protect the world’ which seems annoying. If they have to protect the world from random threats then the story will seem to get no where. I suggest you add more of a plot then ‘protect the world’. At most cliche stop a powerful guy trying to take over the world. (In my story, a guy already took over the world and my protagonists go kill him.
)
“Its power allows Aden to transform his body parts into a black flexible mist-like substance that can incinerate just about anything as long as Aden’s own spirit input is strong enough.” Hmm. So he has the limitation of the strength of his spirit. If he frequently comes up short on that front, I think it could present a dramatically interesting limitation. If not, I wonder if you’ll be able to challenge the character enough.
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“He takes a Lion/animal-like stance.” I’m pretty sure I remember you’re working on a comic book, right? If you have an artist (or when you get an artist), I’d recommend running it past the artist whether the artist can do a human fighting in an animal-like stance (on all fours?) without looking goofy. If you’re familiar with the cartoon Justice League Unlimited, I thought that Vixen’s animators did a pretty good job illustrating animal-inspired techniques for a human. Also, if you have something like swipes in mind for a lion-themed attack, it will probably look better and make more sense if he has something like claws (either physical or spiritual/ghost claws).
…
I think there might be more evocative names for a group of people than “Aura.” I think it’d help if the noun were something a bit less abstract. For a really slight adjustment, maybe “Auroras.”
Other than that, this sounds pretty good. Do you have a particular antagonist in mind? The origin story usually covers how the protagonist runs into the main antagonist.
The main antagonist is his grandfather… Who’s secretly evil. And well I’ll be doing the artwork myself and I do think I can pull it off.
That could work, but who will be the antagonist from the start if he’s secretly evil?
I have read all of your comments and replies. They’re all really good.
Anyway I’m writing a story about a kid named Marcus. Marcus is a nice guy, and kinda just worrys about getting through each day. One day he is in his last class(he’s in high school ninth grade). When his teacher announces thr arrival of a new student. Of Course the class is shocked because she is only twelve years old.( She’s really smart for her age so she’s been taken up a few grades)
So, she sits across the class from him. But marcus notices she continues to stare at him.After school he is walking home and notices he is being followed( By Alvira).
He ends up being cornered by Alvira and her strange butler Camelot. And it is revealed that Alvira is a Queen in her realm.( one Queen for every Element)
She tells Marcus that he has been chosing by the Wind Blade to be her guardian Knight.
Please tell me what you guys think. Even Critque.
Hmm…where to begin…where to begin?
-I take it you’re a ninth grader as well? I sorta inferred that Marcus is supposed to be you, and if so then you’re dangerously close to a mary sue.
-Um, I believe secret origins (Like her secretly being a Queen) are rather annoying. What’s so important about her origin that the reader can’t know?
-Also, I can see how when he becomes her guardian there can be just about any plot, but why should we hold it off. The beginning may be better for back story if there isn’t a general plot. Sure surviving school is okay, but why should we care? I mean it’s school- obviously he’ll make it because he’s the mainest of the main characters.
-I’d hate to burst your bubble, but these teenagers destined for greatness is getting a little old. I call these Teenagers of Destiny (TOD). For instance, the only thing that made twilight as big as it was were the actors. Get a bunch of actors people think are sexy and put some mythical sauce with it. For me, anyone who’s 13-18 is a TOD. TOD’s can work, but they can turn cliche very fast. What I mean is they are too easy to become ‘just another story’ and can go from epic to lame in a paragraph. What would make your reader want to read another story about an unassured teen who get’s superpowers/gets romantically involved with a super hero (*Cough* Bella *cough*)? I would reccommend a tad older (like 20 and +), a tad younger (like 12 and -)
-I hope I wasn’t rude about it but I would like to read more of your description. However, I feel that you should give us the whole thing rather than part because I don’t want to point things out that you’ve already fixed.
“I take it you’re a ninth grader as well? I sorta inferred that Marcus is supposed to be you, and if so then you’re dangerously close to a mary sue.”
A few notes on personal privacy and authorial demographics. 1) I think that it is really unwise to share personal information online, and even worse to ask people to publically disclose their age. Especially if you think they’re minors! (Minors face a substantially larger security threat by exposing themselves online and are typically taken less seriously as authors, so it is especially important for them to stay anonymous).
2) I would not recommend inferring the author’s age from the character’s age. I’m not familiar with Marquis specifically (and don’t want to know his/her age), but most YA authors are not actually young adults themselves.
3) If the character and author are around the same age, it could be a sign that the character is a stand-in for the author, but I don’t think it raises all that many red flags if the character is well-developed and three-dimensional. However, I’m getting the impression that Marcus could probably use some work on that front. (“Marcus is a nice guy,” which makes it sound like he could just be generically nice and forgettable). I’d be far more concerned if the character shared a disability/handicap or major medical/psychiatric condition with the author or pushed the author’s religious and/or ideological agenda.
Some other notes:
–Are you writing a novel, Marquis? That’s what I assumed when you wrote “I’m writing a story…”, but it pays to be sure.
–Your synopsis introduces Marcus like he’s the main character, but he doesn’t seem like he has much of an effect on the plot. Alvira is the one chosen to do interesting things, so why lead with Marcus? What does he bring to the picture? For example, maybe he gets suspicious that something is up with the new kid and starts poking around and then gets himself embroiled in supernatural adventure. I think something like that would give him a more active role. (Just please give him something to do rather than wait for Alvira to draw him into the supernatural intrigue).
–Alvira sounds very much like a chosen one getting passively selected for destiny rather than actually making her own destiny happen. Why did the Wind Blade choose her rather than somebody else? (If she gets chosen because of something she did, it’ll make her more active and interesting).
–Moving forward, I think the two biggest opportunities for improvement are 1) developing the two protagonists more and 2) building goals and conflicts for the characters. What are they trying to do?
–I think some editors will roll their eyes at the “modern-day kids have to explore a fantastic realm,” unless you do a really good job building up this realm as something fresh and memorable. I think that it’s really important to push the limits beyond what you’ve read/watched already because it’s such a well-tread sort of premise. (Also, the kids themselves need to be fresh and memorable, but hopefully that goes without saying).
–I’d feel fairly confident guessing you’re an anime and/or manga fan. One major difference between anime/manga and novels is that the novel industry values character development quite a lot, whereas a lot of anime/manga stories use generic, lightly-developed kids/YAs as placeholders for the audience. (Novels sometimes do this, like Bella from Twilight, but much less often).
–”…chosen to be her Guardian Knight…” Could I recommend a more distinct, interesting word than Guardian here?
I like the suggestion on how Marcus begins to get sort of suspicious of Alvira. So i think im going to change the plot.
About the Name.Originally I was making a different story about a kid based off of me.
Then i read about mary sue-ism.
I’ll write again later right now i have to go to third bell see you guys thanks for the
information
special note i dont mind disclosing the fact that i am in ninth grade. im fairly impressed with the observation though.
After Getting cornered by Alvira and Camelot. They explain that he is to be her Guardian Knight ( Im thinking of changing it to Elemental Knight suggestions plz)
Anyway before they can finish a screeching sound from the sky. The sky is filled with a huge flock of ravens that are sent by a powerful entity known simply as Chaos.
( you know the fable that everything came from chaos so i figured chaos would be trying to get evreything to be how it was before Light had came into play)
Marcus has no choice but to accept Alvira’s offer and he then enters a Covenant with her. Camelot hands Marcus a sword that is called the Wind Blade.( Alvira = Queen of Wind) With a single swing the wind cuts up the entire flock of birds.
Alvira instructs Camelot to announce that she has found her Elemental Knight.After Camelot leaves Alvira tells Marcus that he has to go to her realm in order to protect his loved ones ( he lives with his grandparents) He refuses because he doesnt want to leave them. Alvira decides that she will have to consult with the other Elemental Queens.
After writing this i dont think i want to write this story. truth is I’m kinda bored with it.
Anyway feel free to make some suggestions
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Hello, Marquis. I like Elemental Knight better. It’s definitely serviceable. (Maybe not as distinct as it could be, but that’s something I’d worry about much later in the writing process. Maybe something related to air/wind specifically?).
What’s the Covenant like? It sounds like it could be interesting.
I like the conflict shaping up between Marcus (who doesn’t want to be Alvira’s knight) and Alvira (who apparently doesn’t have any other prospects). Umm, how do queens usually find their knights? Are they mostly people from the real world or are they mostly from the fantastic realm? (One possibility would be that several of the fantastic-realm people that offered their services turned out to be servants of Chaos or otherwise horribly flawed, and Marcus is the only guy she knows she can trust).
“After writing this, I don’t think I want to write this story. Truth is, I’m kind of bored with it.” Fair enough! Hopefully you’ll write something else. On the boredom front, I think it may help to try more unusual characters with starker personalities next time.
Good luck.
hi i wanted to know what you felt about this origin and character. i’ve already got all my characters and plot ready just wanted improvement. here it is:
The protagonist at a younger age was an action junkie. His family owned an electrical goods industry, one one fateful day the protagonist over hears his father talking with one of his business partners, the business partner threatened the protagonists dad. the protagonist decides to do something about it and goes after the business partner. the protagonists father finds out about this and goes after him, and sees that his son has been held captive he tries to help and releases his son and tells him to get the police. by the time he arrives he sees his dead fathers body on the ground, this scars him mentally and he blames himself.
THe time fast forwards and the protagonist has gotten older and he has matured. he gets fired from his job as a delivery boy and feels its all his luck. later on his mum gets kidnapped by the same business partner. the protagonist by this time has trained his self to take care of goons and troublemakers that disturb him. he also inherited his fathers vast knowledge of technolog and uses this to save his mother.the protagonists cousin soon tells him that he should use this his skills and knowledge for a purpose. “even a nobody can make a difference” drives the protagonist as well as a way to avenge his father.
this has been copyrighted.
so what do you think
“By the time he arrives, he sees his dead father’s body on the ground, which scars him mentally and he blames himself.” I like that he gets involved before the murder happens. The self-blame is an interesting way to use the incident to develop the character. Also, I think it’s a bit refreshing that he’s fatalistic (blaming luck). That’s an unusual flaw for a superhero.
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I think that giving him a job besides a delivery boy position might help distinguish the character from Peter Parker. (The first comparison I drew between the two was that they both blame themselves for the murder of a loved one).
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If you’re planning on writing a story and getting it professionally published, the proofreading could use some work. (The spelling is pretty good but the capitalization and punctuation are really uneven).
…
“This has been copyrighted.” Well, yeah, copyright protection applies automatically as soon as something is written.
I was thinking and decided to make an actual Superhero story. So heres my characters origin. I like it but please post any ideas you may have. Thanks for Your Time.
Matthew Schultz is at his parents workplace.His parents Steve Schultz and Diana Schultz work for a corporation that specializes in advanced technology. While looking at robot prototypes. An explosion somewhere in the building causes the building to start to collapse.Matthew and his parents are almost out of the building but his moms clothes get caught on piece of metal. Steve Schultz rushes to his wifes aid. He gets her free and as they are leaving a falling piece of debris hits him on the head knocking him out. Matthew( having disobeyed his fathers order to leave) grabs his father. Half carrying and half dragging he gets his parents to safety.
Muscles aching, he thinks it’s all over. Then someone shouts that their daughter is still inside. Matthew goes into the building once again. The little girl is stuck under a piece of wood she tried to crawl under.Matthew gets the little girl and together they make to the first floor. A creaking sound from above where Matthew and the girl is standing.Makes Matthew push the girl to safety. The segment of the ceiling collapses onto Matthew. His vision starts to blur as he slowly slips into unconsciousness.He feels happy when he sees the little girls run into the arms of her crying mother.Thats the last thing he sees before he is fully consumed by darkness.
Matthews parents use the technology from their company to create Cybernetic bones that they use to replace most of Matthews broken body with. During the surgery Matthews heart stops. His parents use a series of electrical shocks to start his heart. To their astonishment the cybernetics absorb the charges like giant batteries.
This is how Matthew gets his abilites. His don’t tell him about the cybernetics. They say that his injuries weren’t as bad as he thought they were. The cybernetics provide him with a durability factor( his bones wont break as easily as they had before). Better Reflexes, and a minor speed enhancement( he can run faster and longer then he used to be able to)
Please tell what you guys think.I’m also thinking about making it so that the boss of the corporation ( Mike Newman) has something to do with the explosion. That way he can test his new cybernetics on a person. Plus I want matthew to be in a group of Three. The others powers will be Telekinesis,and Hydrokinesis.
These powers will also be a result of Newman Tech.( name of the corporation) The cybernetics will make it so the person can use the entire percentage of their brain. And the Hydrokinesis will be because of a suit that controls the atoms in liquids.
Oh. sorry about the large post I hope you guys don’t mind.
In the third paragraph it’s suppose to be ”his parents”
Again sorry about all the post .
But while reading through the past post people have made I stumble onto a post written by Ragged Boy ( when I first heard the name I thouht of sack boy from LBP)
Anyway, About Masquerade ( I don’t think thats correct) and Porcelin ( may not be correct either) I have an idea for you. What if you make it where they live in a sort of future based world. Where the Rich have prospered and the poor have been left to fend for themselves.
This way Masquerade and Porcelin can team up ( maybe you dont like that) and take on a sort of robin hood approach. Steal from the Rich and give to the Poor. When I read the post you said you like heist storys.This way you can write about Masquerade and Porcelin robbing banks ( or whatever else ) for a sort of greater good.
Also if you still want Porcelin to be the Sexy but Dangerous girl. You could make it where Masquerade comes from the poor and she comes from the rich.
I know there are some holes. But I thought this was a Neat Idea. Seeing as it combines your interests.
SORRY ABOUT ALL THE POST!!!!!!
I just wanted to let you guys know that DC universe online has come out recently.
I dont know if you guys are into online games. But it looks really awesome.
thanks it was a rough draft. i just wanted to know if it was quite good and original. Also what job do you think i could give him to distinguish between peter parker and him. i wanted a deviation from the normal super hero, so i decided not to give him powers just brains which usually annoy his friends because he usually forgets that they dont understand his technology talk, he also gets overconfident at times. He builds his own weapons that is why i gave his family ownership of a mechanical/electronic industry so he has the materials. The protagonist doesn’t particularly have a super hero costume, just sunglasses/goggles to protect his eyes from debris, kevlar “borrowed” from the police, and the use of a hood occasionally, but it will be stylishly designed so it will be noticeable among other comic books.
any thing else you think i could add …
thanks
so what do you think…..
any ideas
For his job, I’d prefer something less public. Maybe a literary agent (that’s a coincidence), an executive, ect. For the clothes I would steer clear of a special spandex costume. If it doesn’t help the hero (but if it does the villain should still have great advantage.) then it’s useless. Like comic book readers haven’t seen a spandex hero…
Maybe he’s something like a technical consultant. (Companies or individuals with unusual technological problems call him in to solve them). I think that would fit his technological background but would be a bit fresher and more varied than just being a scientist. Some possible cases that come to mind include:
–Retrieve a stolen MacGuffin. (Depending on your plot interests, that might require figuring out who stole it, where he is, how it was stolen, and/or why it was stolen).
–For whatever reason strikes your fancy, an antagonist interested in the protagonist’s scientific specialty targets him for death, kidnapping, blackmail, defenestration or whatever.
–The police are stalled on a technologically-related case. He works the case as a private consultant (either for the police department or another interested party, perhaps a victim or a villain pretending to be a victim).
–The police or military ask him to help design and/or test a maximum security prison or something else highly valuable. (Weapons, armor, vehicles, bioweapons/vaccines, a cure for Norwegianness, etc… anything that a villain would care about).
…
“Maybe a literary agent (that’s a coincidence)…” Hmm. This would be an unexpected choice for a technologically savvy character that isn’t particularly literary, Nick. How would you tie in his work as a literary agent into his work as a superhero? (On the plus side, I do think it’d be pretty hilarious if there were a literary agent badass enough to fight crime and steal a vest from Johnny Law).
I was thinking and decided to make an actual Superhero story. So heres my characters origin. I like it but please post any ideas you may have. Thanks for Your Time.
Matthew Schultz is at his parents workplace.His parents Steve Schultz and Diana Schultz work for a corporation that specializes in advanced technology. While looking at robot prototypes. An explosion somewhere in the building causes the building to start to collapse.Matthew and his parents are almost out of the building but his moms clothes get caught on piece of metal. Steve Schultz rushes to his wifes aid. He gets her free and as they are leaving a falling piece of debris hits him on the head knocking him out. Matthew( having disobeyed his fathers order to leave) grabs his father. Half carrying and half dragging he gets his parents to safety.
Muscles aching, he thinks it’s all over. Then someone shouts that their daughter is still inside. Matthew goes into the building once again. The little girl is stuck under a piece of wood she tried to crawl under.Matthew gets the little girl and together they make to the first floor. A creaking sound from above where Matthew and the girl is standing.Makes Matthew push the girl to safety. The segment of the ceiling collapses onto Matthew. His vision starts to blur as he slowly slips into unconsciousness.He feels happy when he sees the little girls run into the arms of her crying mother.Thats the last thing he sees before he is fully consumed by darkness.
Matthews parents use the technology from their company to create Cybernetic bones that they use to replace most of Matthews broken body with. During the surgery Matthews heart stops. His parents use a series of electrical shocks to start his heart. To their astonishment the cybernetics absorb the charges like giant batteries.
This is how Matthew gets his abilites. His don’t tell him about the cybernetics. They say that his injuries weren’t as bad as he thought they were. The cybernetics provide him with a durability factor( his bones wont break as easily as they had before). Better Reflexes, and a minor speed enhancement( he can run faster and longer then he used to be able to)
Please tell what you guys think.I’m also thinking about making it so that the boss of the corporation ( Mike Newman) has something to do with the explosion. That way he can test his new cybernetics on a person. Plus I want matthew to be in a group of Three. The others powers will be Telekinesis,and Hydrokinesis.
These powers will also be a result of Newman Tech.( name of the corporation) The cybernetics will make it so the person can use the entire percentage of their brain. And the Hydrokinesis will be because of a suit that controls the atoms in liquids.
Oh. sorry about the large post I hope you guys don’t mind.
Would it be a bad idea to write more than one story?
More than one origin story or more than one novel or comic book?
I don’t think multiple origin stories would be a problem, although the more origin stories you have, the less space you’ll be able to spend on each one.
As for writing multiple novels or comic books at once… If at all possible, I’d highly recommend sticking to one and at least finishing a rough draft of the manuscript before moving on to another story. In my experience, In my experience, people that bounce around between several manuscripts rarely finish any, and you can only sell a finished manuscript.
Hey, Marquis. I have a few thoughts and suggestions on your origin story.
–I like that he’s active. (He was only injured enough to need cybernetic surgery because he disobeyed his parents’ orders to run and because he went back for the mother’s daughter).
–It could be more distinct/memorable. For example, what’s he doing at the parent’s workplace when the accident happens? (One possibility is that they’re doing a major test and it goes haywire–I think that’d be more interesting than just sort of being at a routine day of work when something just happens to explode).
–I like the idea that the boss rigs the explosion, but it seems like a pretty convoluted and messy/risky way to get a test patient for experimental surgery (compared to a legal alternative like calling up a hospital and seeing if anyone’s interested). One minor tweak would be making the the character’s powers chemical-based rather than cybernetic. The CEO is making chemicals that are illegal and highly dangerous, stuff you couldn’t test normally, and he rigs an explosion so that some people will be exposed to the gasses. (Plus, the explosion will destroy most of the evidence of the illegal chemicals and will give a plausible explanation if anything goes horribly wrong with the chemicals).
–The mother shouting for someone to save her daughter feels a bit overdone and doesn’t fit this scene as well as, say, Spiderman responding to an apartment fire in the first Spiderman movie. (What’s a little girl doing in a tech lab?) One minor tweak would be (if you go with a chemical origin) replacing the little girl with one of the other two people that eventually join his team. He goes back to save her and they both get exposed to the chemicals.
–I think it would help to give Matthew a chance to act more distinctly from other superhero protagonists at some point. I think 90%+ of protagonists would disobey the parents and go back for the girl. For the character to be more memorable, I think it’d help if he did something that most protagonists wouldn’t. For example, Peter Parker doesn’t try to stop the robber. The protagonist of the Hood gets his powers because he breaks into what he thinks is a diamond shipment. Static Shock goes to a gang-fight. Tony Stark takes a rather ill-advised trip to field-test a weapon in Afghanistan, whereas a less reckless character would probably send an assistant instead or do the field-test somewhere safer. Kickass tries to become a superhero before actually getting superpowers, gets beat into a coma, and has most of his bones replaced in ensuing surgeries.
thanks i guess i can now reveal most of my details.
The main character is Jason Blayze. he is a 15 yr old teenage boy.
i was planning on naming the comic …”the Blazer” as in trail blazer.
Even though his mom is the ceo of the industry, he is just like a normal boy of his age. he is an urban explorer (this is a reason for his agility and parkour skills). the only reason for him having an “alter ego” is not because of protecting loved ones, but to keep up his mother’s reputation. i like the idea of technical consultant. im also tuning down what kind of powers are in the comic book, such as fire generation and all those types that have no sound or believable origin. but there will still be quite some cool powers though.
The name “Blazer” was given to him by a newscaster.
what do you think about the name of the comic and characters… any ideas for it
thanks
I think the characters are fine, but we’ll need to see the actual writing before I can comment much more. Maybe post a part you’re having trouble with and we’ll help.
-Nicholas
O.K. so you think he should do something an average character wouldnt do?
I kinda invisioned him being reckless. you know, do things without thinking them through.
And i think that the girl-with-telekinesis is really over used. Do you think it will be unrealistic if the chemical gets in her eyes and actually enhances her eyesight.
That way she can be a sharpshooter with almost any gun related weapon. Almost assasin like.
Oh!I just thought about a scene where ” The Boss” tries to collect his subjects by force after they decline a previous offer he made. Maybe he tries to bribe them, then he tries by force, finally he threatens their loved ones and they accept. This could lead to the bosses down fall seeing as his enemies are really close to him.
Sound any good?
thanks is it possible if i could get a page to show my writing
I like recklessness. You can use it to have him make some mistake during the accident. (For example, he keeps going back for people, oblivious to the strain on his body, and he gets the worst of it). I think that’d be a bit more memorable than recklessly running in without any negative consequences.
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I agree that the most prominent telekinetics (most notably the Invisible Woman and Jean Grey) tend to be women. Sharpshooting sounds like a potentially interesting alternative, although it may make the story feel more mature/gritty.
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The scene with the boss sounds okay. One potential way to tie it into the hero’s origin story would be to have one of the test subjects (perhaps the sharpshooter) secretly sabotage something to get back at The Boss. That sabotage could lead to the explosion.
Yes cool d, of course. I’ve been waiting to see your writing. B.Mac says I should review other people’s work anyways so yeah. I hop you can have it up by today.
Cool D, I’ve set it up for you here.
thanks ill be sure to show you before the end of the week. thanks so much
It seems that one of my problems with writing is that i have sooooo many ideas.
I’ve been writing since 4th grade, and as I’ve grown up it’s become more and more difficult to finish a story.
I read alot of books, and when I find an idea I find interesting, I write it down and then change almost everything until it feels original. I think thats why I have trouble sticking with one idea.
Remember the story with Alvira? I had an idea that maybe she could be apart of an agency that hunts and kills ” Monsters” ( Vampires,Werewolves,Witches,Etc.)
But the problem with that is B.Mac says that it wouldn’t be a good idea to write multiple stories.
As for my New Story about Matthew Schultz I ran into a few problems.
1. How would chemicals result in electricity manipulation?
2. How would chemicals result in liquid manipulation?
3. The way my plot is written should the chemical be just that, a chemical or a gas?
Please help me! My brain is on overload and i think it just might explode.
You see with the original plot my characters powers would come from technology.
Electricity- Bone emplants that absorb electricity
Liquid Maniplulation- a sensory type suit that cant be removed from the body due to the fact that it fused to the skin.
Assassin skills/ Enhanced sight- a sort of contact lens that is connected to all parts of the eye.
But now I don’ know how i could make the chemical idea work.
“How would chemicals result in electricity manipulation?” I don’t think there’s a wrong way to handle this, but if you like (pseudo-)scientific detail, you could talk about ionic discharge and/or make comparisons to eels. Eels create an electric current by opening an ion channel that briefly changes the charges in its electric cells. Alternately, human cells naturally produce electric currents, so you could say that the chemicals caused the person’s cells to generate stronger currents. Alternately, instead of bone implants that absorb electricity, perhaps the chemical changes the person’s blood and/or organs so that they store (and can release) a lot of electricity.
Alternately, if you’re not a fan of scientific explanations, another approach would be eschewing them altogether. (Unless you’re writing hard sci-fi, A Mutagen Did It is sufficient).
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“How would chemicals result in liquid manipulation?” Not many options here. You can change water flow by changing the pressure, so perhaps the chemicals allow the person to use pressure to steer and accelerate the water by carefully “squeezing” it.*
*Actually, I made all of that up. However, if it sounded believable to you, you could probably sell it to readers just as easily.
“The way my plot is written should the chemical be just that, a chemical or a gas?” I think they’re very similar. The main difference is that it may be easier to expose the protagonists to a gas than an injected chemical. Also, if you’re interested in keeping the heroes’ identities secret for at least a little while, I think that a gas is easier to work with. I think it’d be hard to explain how anyone involved with the injections wouldn’t know about the superpowers).
“How would chemicals result in liquid manipulation?” Not many options here. You can change water flow by changing the pressure, so perhaps the chemicals allow the person to use pressure to steer and accelerate the water by carefully “squeezing” it.*
*Actually, I made all of that up. However, if it sounded believable to you, you could probably sell it to readers just as easily.
Hahaha! I’m going to use that. Thanks dude.
I’m gonna post the scene where Matthew tries to save Trina and they both end up exposed to the gas/chemical. You guys ( By ” you guys” I mean B. Mac No One else seems to care) I would really appreciate HEAVY critque.If you don’t like something please tell me and give me DETAILED ways to improve my works thanks.
–Your synopsis introduces Marcus like he’s the main character, but he doesn’t seem like he has much of an effect on the plot. Alvira is the one chosen to do interesting things, so why lead with Marcus? What does he bring to the picture? For example, maybe he gets suspicious that something is up with the new kid and starts poking around and then gets himself embroiled in supernatural adventure. I think something like that would give him a more active role. (Just please give him something to do rather than wait for Alvira to draw him into the supernatural intrigue).
Remember the story with Alvira? I had an idea that maybe she could be apart of an agency that hunts and kills ” Monsters” ( Vampires,Werewolves,Witches,Etc.)
This way Marcus can maybe follow her one night or something and sees her slaying a beast.Because Alvira isn’t supose to be seen, she has no choice but to train him and use him as a parner.
I think that would be a good way for Marcus to sort of bring himself into the story.
Note* I am not writing this story yet but I Think it would be a good idea to have something to fall back on*
Hey Could I make a character with self density control? Do you think thats a good power.
What could the character do with self-density control? How useful would it be?
Okay, I haz a bit of an issue. More like a LOT of an issue. I want to write a powerless hero’s origin story, without making it look like a Batman\Dead Parents kind of thing. Unfortunately, I want to make the origin story into the second chapter, because I’m using the first to pan out characters, and I’m almost to that point.
Basically, there’s a vigilante in town (Haven’t come up with an Empire City name yet. The city is a mix of Gotham and Manhattan, though.) and the main character’s friend IS the vigilante. Second chapter he reveals it to her, because (Not trying to sound Mary Sue here) he’s either trying to impress her. I’m trying to think of a better reason, but as far as now, I have none.
BTW: Hero’s names are:
MC: Gala (Working on something better)
SC: Fortis
Oh, I also forgot to add that Fortis has telekinetic powers, and Gala does not, just to clear that up.
‘ve got an issue with a creative writing story that I’ve come up with in my workshop:
My creative writing story which I’m titling “Mask” [I credit Perry Moore for giving me inspiration for it.
I've got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it (her parents were murdered via in cold blood by the main villian. Dad wanted to do a crime spre before he died. Had a heart attack thanks to the demonic dagger.)
-Dad's a reformed villian, Mom's the Superhero.. ( the mom has the last three powers on the list, the dad only has flight . Don't know how they recieved their abilities, yet. )
Main heroine inherits powers of both parents which are:
-Psychic invulnerability (re: Limited invulnerability [she can deflect bullets but not the villians' red demonic dagger thing ]/ really fast healing)
-Flight
-Super strength
-super reflexes and agility
-And the occaisional spooky glowing eye thing (no heat comes out of it though.)
-Works at a comic book store. Dorms with her girlfriend who’s also her lesbian lover and *gasp*actually the daughter of the villian.
* Update: The Creative Writing story turned out to be a spoof on the superhero genre… I don’t know if that’s a good thing… The prof. (and the class) had a good laugh with it, though. ^_^
The problem is I want the murder of the heroine’s parents to haunt her via ( All origin at first then seep into her at her l;aptop looking at hacked photos of vitims that the villian has killed. Same M.O. here. Villian can create weapons out of thin air (and a red haze) that can kill superheroes.
-Another issue is that I don’t want this story to be a spoof on the superhero genre at all.
-And it’s all told in first person, too.
I’ve gotten recommendations from the professor to do it in third person or in a screenplay type format but I like using first person.
Much help would be appreciated.
EDITED! (Sorry about that.)
I‘ve got an issue with a creative writing story that I’ve come up with in my workshop:
My creative writing story which I’m titling “Mask” [I credit Perry Moore for giving me inspiration for it.
I've got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it (her parents were murdered via in cold blood by the main villian. Dad wanted to do a crime spre before he died. Had a heart attack thanks to the demonic dagger.)
-Dad's a reformed villian, Mom's the Superhero.. ( the mom has the last three powers on the list, the dad only has flight . Don't know how they recieved their abilities, yet. )
Main heroine inherits powers of both parents which are:
-Psychic invulnerability (re: Limited invulnerability [she can deflect bullets but not the villians' red demonic dagger thing ]/ really fast healing)
-Flight
-Super strength
-super reflexes and agility
-And the occaisional spooky glowing eye thing (no heat comes out of it though.)
-Works at a comic book store. Dorms with her girlfriend who’s also her lesbian lover and *gasp*actually the daughter of the villian.
* Update: The Creative Writing story turned out to be a spoof on the superhero genre… I don’t know if that’s a good thing… The prof. (and the class) had a good laugh with it, though. ^_^
The problem is I want the murder of the heroine’s parents to haunt her via ( All origin at first then seep into her at her l;aptop looking at hacked photos of vitims that the villian has killed. Same M.O. here. Villian can create weapons out of thin air (and a red haze) that can kill superheroes.
-Another issue is that I don’t want this story to be a spoof on the superhero genre at all.
-And it’s all told in first person, too.
I’ve gotten recommendations from the professor to do it in third person or in a screenplay type format but I like using first person.
Much help would be appreciated.
Some thoughts and suggestions…
–”I’ve got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it…” Fair enough. What was her relationship with her parents like?
–Based on what little I’ve seen so far, it feels to me like first-person would be a more natural fit for this. I think the first-person limitations would keep us focused more squarely on her view and her story.
–If she’s a superhero, what’s the appeal of working in a comic book store?
–I think it’d help if there were a reason that the girlfriend just happens to be the villain’s daughter. Otherwise I think it may feel contrived*. (For example, Peter Parker just happens to know a lot of people that become supervillains, but it sort of makes sense because he’s interested enough in science that he knows a lot of people on the cutting edge of scientific research.** Is there anything about your protagonist that causes her to meet her girlfriend? For example, perhaps the girlfriend met the protagonist at the comic book shop where the protagonist works).
*If you initially wrote something that was a bit more spoofish but you want to make it more serious, one possibility would be removing the relationship between the girlfriend and the villain.
**Along with being a New Yorker or a businessman, it is generally acknowledged that being interested in science correlates with supervillainy. (And superheroics).
I know this thread is for discussing the origins of our characters, but I have a question about a recent chaaracter’s strength/motive for fighting crime. Ok, so we all have heard our parents say that they’d do anything for us, but they don’t normally get a chance to prove it. So I’m thinking that after this character gets powered, they come to the conclusion that the world is just too dangerous a place. They decide to fight crime and other forms of evil in order to raise their child in a worthwhile environment. I realise this motive may be simple or underwhemling but I really do think it fits with the character. So what do you guys think? I mean in regards to becoming a superhero, how extreme does a motive have to be?
It depends on your character’s “breaking” point. I think in this case, it is no where NEAR underwhelming or simple. I actually like it and think it’s very new! X3
~~~
In my vision, the motive fits the character’s personality.
Hey, I’m no B. Mac, but I hoped this helped at least a bit! X3
~Harls, the semi-helpful
Thanks HarleyQ, it did help. I always find it helpful to talk to others about my idead, see what thery think. Maybe thay can offer a different perspective, or maybe they can tell me that what I’ve got already is good. I just like to talk to people, you knoiw?
Comicbookguy,
I agree with HarleyQ, I think its a great motive and has great potential. If you use that motive then you have at least 2 options, that I can think of, for developing a good emotional plot. You could have your superhero parent be driven to the brink of villiany in their quest to give their child the best world possible. At which point, they could either come back from the brink at the last moment, or go over the edge. If they go over the edge, you could also use the child (possibly as a superhero themself) to stop the parent or try to redeem them. Kind of like luke skywalker and vader. Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like a great idea.
Thanks a lot Ghost, I never would’ve thought about doing anything like that with her. That’s a really interesting idea. Wow, that really did just give me a lot to think about, thanks again Ghost.
Comicbookguy, I think that your whole vision is unique and extremely promising. If you want to be sure that your character has enough drive, you could add in examples of why they believe that the world needs to be purged of evil. Maybe something like the classic bad childhood, or the character could have had a close friend that o’d…ed (how on earth do you spell that version of overdose????) Just… Don’t use that 2nd one. I have dibs.*
Following up on what Ghost said, I think that this concept would be an awesome supervillian background. While starting off with decent, respectable motivation, the character’s vision of right and wrong slowly becomes twisted and deformed until they, once idolized, are outcasted by society. I think that this would really make the villain seem more relatable to readers. [Unless, of course your targeted audience is (are? I'm so indecisive...) sociopaths. Then you should hop aboard the Joker train.]
*I originally typed this awesome paragraph, but then I pasted something weird over it (stupid apple…), so you’ll just have to deal with a summary.
I really appreciate all the input guys. You really helped me a lot. I’m developing this character quite nicely. So thanks again HarleyQ, Ghost and A.C. Spudnick you guys are awesome.
Some thoughts and suggestions…
–”I’ve got a lesbian superheroine who’s trying to make amends with her parents death in it…” Fair enough. What was her relationship with her parents like?
–Based on what little I’ve seen so far, it feels to me like first-person would be a more natural fit for this. I think the first-person limitations would keep us focused more squarely on her view and her story.
–If she’s a superhero, what’s the appeal of working in a comic book store?
–I think it’d help if there were a reason that the girlfriend just happens to be the villain’s daughter. Otherwise I think it may feel contrived*. (For example, Peter Parker just happens to know a lot of people that become supervillains, but it sort of makes sense because he’s interested enough in science that he knows a lot of people on the cutting edge of scientific research.** Is there anything about your protagonist that causes her to meet her girlfriend? For example, perhaps the girlfriend met the protagonist at the comic book shop where the protagonist works).
*If you initially wrote something that was a bit more spoofish but you want to make it more serious, one possibility would be removing the relationship between the girlfriend and the villain.
**Along with being a New Yorker or a businessman, it is generally acknowledged that being interested in science correlates with supervillainy. (And superheroics).
Thanks. I actually rethought (and scrapped) the heroine-working-in-a- comic-book -store thing and instead I’m making her a metahuman coroner.
.** Is there anything about your protagonist that causes her to meet her girlfriend? For example, perhaps the girlfriend met the protagonist at the comic book shop where the protagonist works).
Yeah, they met in college, found out they go to the same comic shop for comic books and they hit it off from there.
The villian ends up being the father of the heroine’s girlfriend because he actually kills the heroine’s mother and (father [because he wanted to go on a crime spree before he dies].)
The villian kills the heroine’s girlfriend’s/ Katy here- stepmother after she give birth. The stepfather’s a cop (a detective acutally. Came back too late. The villian leaves an anon tip at the PD. )… ( I was trying to put in the whole demonic “succbus” issue in there somewhere.)
*If you initially wrote something that was a bit more spoofish but you want to make it more serious, one possibility would be removing the relationship between the girlfriend and the villain.
OH! Thanks!!! So I should scrap the villian-has-a-daughter-who-is-actually-the-heroine’s-girlfriend bit? If I’m getting this right.
Fair enough. What was her relationship with her parents like?
Dad’s a reformed Supervillian who’s itching to do some mayhem before he dies (secretly, of course). Mom’s the Superhero. The Dad’s an alcoholic. The Mom’s the hardcase/ strict one in the family.
“So I should scrap the villain-has-a-daughter-who-is-actually-the-heroine’s-girlfriend bit? If I’m getting this right.” It’s an option. If the story’s serious, the villain’s-daughter-as-girlfriend angle may be a liability, unless there’s a really good reason. (For example, if the girlfriend has fallen for her because she knows about her superheroic work*, it’d totally make sense… But just randomly falling for someone that secretly happens to be your dad’s nemesis is not the height of seriousness).
*For example, she may be trying to get back at her father, or she might be genuinely impressed by the superheroic work, or she might be trying to keep tabs on the hero for her father, etc.
…
The coroner option sounds interesting. I think it’d create a lot of plot opportunities and I haven’t seen a superhero coroner before.
…
“What was her relationship with her parents like? Dad’s a reformed Supervillian who’s itching to do some mayhem before he dies (secretly, of course). Mom’s the Superhero. The Dad’s an alcoholic. The Mom’s the hardcase/ strict one in the family.” Hmm. And how do these things affect her relationship with her parents? (I can sort of infer that a daughter would have some issues with an alcoholic father and a hardcase mother, but it could be so many things that it’d be helpful for me to have some particulars).
For my the origin story of one of my heroes, I’m trying to think of an interesting way to cause blindness that doubles as a realistic (If there is such a thing) way to obtain superpowers. Any suggestions? My brain is low on creativity right about now.
In my story, the main character reads about high-schoolers overdosing on the very same drugs he was unwillingly supplying to a dealer. Once he finally musters up the courage to stand against the dealer’s threats against him, the drug dealer hires several men to uphold his reputation by putting the main character in the hospital using whatever creative way they choose, i.e., permanently blinding the man. (If all goes as planned, blindness will only be the first side effect of the damage.
Naturally, I couldn’t find too much information on drug dealers on my own, aside from the obvious. I’m just a little worried it sounds more like something mafia relations than those of a average drug dealer. So, does it sound at all realistic?
“I’m trying to think of an interesting way to cause blindness that doubles as a realistic (If there is such a thing) way to obtain superpowers.”
A few possibilities:
–The character has been blinded by the drug dealers* and undergoes an experimental procedure or treatment to cure the blindness. For whatever reason (such as the extent of the damage), the procedure fails to cure the blindness but gives him superpowers.
–The blindness and superpowers come from a scientific accident (like a chemical spill or something).
–The character gets blinded and the way he deals with his blindness impresses someone enough that he gets picked for superpowers and/or superpowered training.
*This strikes me as totally plausible, by the way. Drug-dealing is a serious business. Indeed, if someone sees you committing a really serious/violent crime, blinding him might be the least brutal way to ensure that he can’t pick you out of a police lineup. (The protagonist might have started following the dealer around after his friend overdosed, maybe trying to catch something illegal on a camera).
Thanks, B. Mac. This website has helped me a lot with all of my writing. I’m having a lot of success in writing my story, and the writing tips have helped me a lot with any roadblocks that I run into.
I have a new story idea. The story is called Scarred Reality. Its about a group of teenagers that are constantly pulled into a different world. The world is created by one of the teenagers because he is constantly being bullied at school and home is no better.
A strange man offers the teenager a way to escape it all. Saying that his mind can be his release.The man goes on to say how the boy will have complete control of the world and that he can stay in the world as long as he likes. The boy – although really thrilled- doesn’t completely believe the man. And it is at this time that the man helps the boy to “mold” the world of his desires.
The man needed the mind of a person to create the world. A problem later on in the story is that the man has more control of the world than the boy was lead to believe.
And at some point I plan on making the man gain complete control of the world.
Notes** The boy is not the main character i just thought that telling his story would be easier to explain how the Scarred Reality was created.
Another thing is the boy can not create things out of nowhere. Hmm how to explain…. Ok The boy can only create so much. With each thing he creates he gets really tired and after a while he could lose his ability to return to the real world. I plan on making The Man create the hordes of monsters and making the boy create the sort of “Boss Monsters”
The man can create things in the world as well but his creations are not as strong as the orginal creator of the Scarred Reality.( Well not until he gains complte control)
As for the other characters I want them all to be connected somehow to the Creator Of The Scarred Reality.( If you have any ideas they would be greatly appriciated)
I am also making the characters that get pulled into the world have some sort of powers that they can use to engage the monsters. But I want them to have to unlock their abilites which can only happen in certain circumstances.This depends on the person. For example if you are a good friend you can unlock your powers by protecting your friends, or if you’re a hot-headed type of person you can unlock your powers by getting really mad, or if you are a scared type of person maybe you get your powers when you get extremely terrified. ( EXOTIC POWERS NEEDED)
Please tell me some of your ideas and what you guys think.
–I think there may be a more original way to introduce the supernatural element than a conversation between the boy and the strange man. For example, perhaps the boy starts experiencing his fantasy world in small glimpses and only gradually comes to understand that what he’s experiencing isn’t just your usual dream. I think it’d be okay if we found out later that the strange man gave him the ability to create this reality.
–What are the characters’ main goals like? Unless the boy picked the protagonists (either consciously or subconsciously) because they were just as disillusioned/unhappy as he was, I imagine that at least one of them will want to get home right the hell now. (I’m sort of struggling to come up with a group goal that isn’t finding a way back). One possibility would be a conflict between the group (trying to get back) and the boy (trying to preserve his fantasy world even though it’s sort of sucked in several people). The boy might even be an intermediate antagonist–they only gradually come to realize that they need to work together to stop the mysterious man.
–One minor point of caution: “Real-world young adults enter imaginary world” is an extremely well-traveled premise. You will have to work really hard to make your fantasy world feel fresh. (Also, the teens, but hopefully that’s obvious).
–Under these circumstances, I’d recommend a relatively small group of protagonists (Something like 3 + the world’s creator if the creator is a semi-antagonist or maybe 2 + the world’s creator if they form a group pretty quickly after entering the fantasy world). A smaller cast of protagonists will help you flesh out the characters beyond stereotypical caricatures (the nerd, the jock, the cheerleader, the Goth, whatever).
–”[They] unlock their abilites which can only happen in certain circumstances.This depends on the person. For example if you are a good friend you can unlock your powers by protecting your friends, or if you’re a hot-headed type of person you can unlock your powers by getting really mad…” Hmm, I’d be careful with this. If this is executed poorly, the worst-case scenario would be that the characters come off as too one-dimensional to feel believable. For example, the angry character getting really angry would probably feel a lot like the Hulk. There may be more organic/smooth ways to tie a character’s superpowers into his key personality traits. For example, how they use their superpowers or the quests they have to complete to attain their superpowers. For example, both Heroes’ Sylar and the Invisible Woman have telekinetic/force-projection powers, but the Invisible Woman uses hers to keep the team alive and Sylar is a serial killer that uses his to decapitate his victims and access their brains. (He doesn’t eat the brains, though. “That would be gross”*).
*I love Sylar.
I have a superhero story that I am writing and I want to know how solid my concnept is. This story involves most of my characters that are known to my world as ‘The Altered’. They have undergone some sort of genetic engineering treatment and are still considered human…just different. The process is safe and relatively affordable for the masses.
Procedures can range from curing medical problems, to body augmentations, and then to the most extreme actually bestowing superhuamn characteristics and pwoers. Now, first to note about the latter is, they cannot give you any power. They do not have the knowledge or technology to give someone Superman’s powers. Another obstacle would be ethics. They wouldn’t give out powers to anyone who could not pass their psychological examinations.
as for the actual procedure, you are injected with a retro virus that carries the desired gene inside of it. And it infects a blood cell, copying the gene into the cell. Like all viruses do, the infected cell infects other and slowly the gene gets worked into every call in the patient’s body. Different alteration, require different dispersal and recovery times. The more complex the alteration the longer it takes for the patient’s body to recover.
So, please be honest when you ask your questions and give me your feedback.
“they cannot give you any power. They do not have the knowledge or technology… They wouldn’t give out powers to anyone who could not pass their psychological examinations.” Who are “they?” (At first glance, I thought it was the Altered, but presumably it’s not everybody that gets these operations that decides who else gets these operations–Is there some sort of organization giving out these powers?).
One possibility for conflict would be that there’s someone else distributing superpowers a lot more loosely. Alternately, perhaps an antagonist got superpowers after passing the psych exams (perhaps by faking his answers or because he subsequently went insane after some trauma happened). Alternately, you mentioned that some operations have a longer recovery time than others, so perhaps the trauma was that the operation was unusually intense or there was some complication that caused the villain to lose it. If there was a surgical mistake, I think it’d be really plausible that the villain holds it against them.
Another possibility for conflict would be that the organization giving out these operations has only gradually come to realize how careful it has to be. Perhaps it wasn’t so careful with its first generation of operations and there are a significant of people running around with superpowers that really shouldn’t have them.
Alternately, an egalitarian antagonist might resent that there’s this organization deciding who is worthy of powers and who isn’t. (Those elitists!) He might try to counter that by giving out powers to everybody. (His goal may or may not be to empower psychopaths, but that probably would be a side-effect).
I’m sorry B. Mac; I did forget to mention the organization that does these genetic operations is a corporation named, GenoTech. People pay them to for the procedures they undergo physical and psychological examinations by highly trained professions…but I can’t decide if it would better if these professional were inside the organization or are hired from the outside. However, once you pass these exams GenoTech then performs the genetic alterations.
That first note of conflict helped me iron out a place for one of my most treasured characters. His name is Jeremy Young, but later goes by Prizm after he is illegally altered with the ability to telekinetically manipulate glass. I always envisioned him as a violent psychopath and never could figure out what pushed him over that edge. But due to the sheer complexity and the painful physical and mental alterations made by this ability in him…he becomes aggressive and distant, which turns into violent and callous. But tell me…is that too predictable and clichéd? If so, how could I make it my own?
Your second note of conflict is good, but I don’t see it working in my world. You see I wanted my world to be relatively realistic. So these genetic engineering procedures would have taken decades to make safe enough for public use. So, the first generation of common people getting these alterations would be either dead of very old. That being said, I had the thought of having people at GenoTech whose job it was to create new and different genes to alter people with and give the customers more options. These new genes could have complications…so your suggestion about someone going insane after being altered could still work for me.
The third note of conflict I’m very interested in. I’ll have to give that one some thought. Do you have any suggestions for to start with?
“…..So I should scrap the villain-has-a-daughter-who-is-actually-the-heroine’s-girlfriend bit? If I’m getting this right.” It’s an option. If the story’s serious, the villain’s-daughter-as-girlfriend angle may be a liability, unless there’s a really good reason. (For example, if the girlfriend has fallen for her because she knows about her superheroic work*, it’d totally make sense… But just randomly falling for someone that secretly happens to be your dad’s nemesis is not the height of seriousness).
*For example, she may be trying to get back at her father, or she might be genuinely impressed by the superheroic work, or she might be trying to keep tabs on the hero for her father, etc.”
The Girlfriend has fallen for the Superheroine and is genuinely impressed by her doing the right thing….but she isn’t keeping tabs on her for her dad. She’s the one that actually kills him. via lost memories resurfacing= big time hate for the villian/father
…
“…The coroner option sounds interesting. I think it’d create a lot of plot opportunities and I haven’t seen a superhero coroner before.”
I’ll try to keep that in. Just having a bit of trouble since I don’t know much on medical terminology and scientific mumbo-jumbo (using the latter for power origins).^_^
…
“What was her relationship with her parents like? Dad’s a reformed Supervillian who’s itching to do some mayhem before he dies (secretly, of course). Mom’s the Superhero. The Dad’s an alcoholic. The Mom’s the hardcase/ strict one in the family.” Hmm. And how do these things affect her relationship with her parents? (I can sort of infer that a daughter would have some issues with an alcoholic father and a hardcase mother, but it could be so many things that it’d be helpful for me to have some particulars).”
I’m trying to make the story like this: the mother finds out her husband was secretly involved with the villian (i.e. giving him the formulas for creating specific super-abilities.) Villian kills the mother becauses she finds out too much. (Father got his electrical powers by accident. [chemicals]. Mother’s origins I’ll probably leave a mystery, for now. {I’m guessing she’ll be a bit like Superman minus some of the tropes. She’s a investigator. Dad reformed and became a Creative Writing professor. wears a tweed jacket. Might make him British. Mother’s possibly Italian.})
Wait…I screwed something up: The mother’s the professor and the dad’s the investigator. He’s still British, though.
“Just having a bit of trouble since I don’t know much on medical terminology and scientific mumbo-jumbo…” One technique that may be helpful there is having her talk frequently to laymen characters. For example, if she’s a coroner working on a criminal case, she could present her theories/findings to a police officer. If she were talking to a layman, it’d be believable if she toned down the jargon. (If she ever gets asked to testify as an expert witness at a trial, she better tone down the jargon!
).
If there are scenes where a strong grasp of medical jargon is necessary to sound believable, I’d recommend checking out a reference book like “Murder and Mayhem: A Doctor Answers Medical and Forensic Questions for Mystery Writers.” Its 13 reviews on Amazon average 5 stars.
Thanks, B. Mac!
I’ll try to see what I can come up with. Thanks for the link!
Any articles that you can help me with that isn’t in book form on Amazon? (ex: links to articles or blogs)
Sorry, Ealperin, I haven’t been able to find any solid articles or blogs about writing medical characters (or medical fiction or medical drama/thrillers/whatever else I could think of). I found this largely useless post on Associated Content. I suspect the book would be more useful than anything else I’ve found on the subject because 1) It’s written by someone who might plausibly know what he’s talking about*, 2) its reviews on Amazon are glowing and 3) It’s specifically written for writers.
Another approach that might be effective would be reading a few blogs by coroners, but I don’t think that’d be as helpful as an introduction written for writers. (For example, my county’s coroner has a blog, but it’s a lot more about medical information for the public than about the work of a coroner).
Another approach would be a book you could probably find in a library or, failing that, extremely cheap used. For example, a used copy of Deadhouse: Life in the Coroner’s Office is selling for 36 cents + shipping on Amazon. (One review: “As a physician, I usually steer clear of medical books or TV shows, as they are typically all drama, no reality. However, a friend gave me this book, and I was really surprised — it is an accurate account of ‘life’ in the morgue, but told in a truly compellng manner. It was easy for me to empathize with the characters, especially the new interns, as I remember my first moments in medical school when I first dealt with death.”)
Sounds good. I’ll check if the college library has it. I’ve got an issue though about my MC: I want her origin story to kick off by saying that she discovers thisability to see flashes of her mom’s life as she’s dead and lying on her lap Problem is I don’t know how the mom ends up having her abilities. The dad has the seeing death thing and shoots electricity from his fingertips. The MC has all of her mom’s abilities plus that freaky ability to see the dead’s life before her eyes. She has the electricity thing but doesn’t use it often enough. I don’t want to end up doing a trope of Superman’s origin story for the mom..trying to do something different with her…
The ability to see flashes of her mother’s life strikes me as a bit mystical*. Have you thought about a more fantasy origin for her? (EG: Magic, artifacts, receiving magical enhancement and/or blessing, being a member (or half-member) of a fantasy species, anything with spirits/ghosts, etc).
*I guess you could cover it in a more sci-fi direction–maybe she’s a psychic whose powers somehow home in on the mental stresses caused by death? I didn’t get much of a psychic vibe off of her, though.
I thought of a mystical half- species but yeah it’s more of a psychic thing that hones into “mental stresses of death”.
Hey guys, I have a brother. He’s trying to write a story about kids with powers ( sorta like x-men) I keep telling him he shouldnt use the word mutants. As a word meaning kids with powers please tell him why he won’t believe me if i say it. Thanks
Well, some stories with genetic-based superpowers (like Heroes) avoid the M-word like the plague to avoid raising unfavorable comparisons to the X-Men, but I don’t think it’s a problem along the lines of “Marvel will sue you if you call your characters mutants.” At least, they didn’t sue over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which was made into a comic book series more than a decade after the X-Men debuted.
Unless he’s trying to get professionally published, I’m inclined to think “mutants” is fine enough.
If he is trying to get professionally published, I think the term would put pressure on his writing to distinguish itself from the X-Men. I think that’s surmountable, though–one of the protagonists in my proposed comic book, The Taxman Must Die, is a mutant alligator and I think I distinguished my series from the TMNT. (Mine is an action-comedy about two cops rather than straight-up ninja action and the main protagonist is a human accountant without any comparable character in TMNT).
PS: I have previously written a comment about how to write a superhero team without making it sound like the X-Men. He might like that.
Update: I’m definitely having the dad doing something genetic/scientific involving superhero powers. (btw, his supervillian name is Madman because he’s a genius at manipulating people’s minds.
He has a run it with the main villian once he’s in jail. He knows the wife’s secret origin and uses it to get out of jail and join an elite squad of retired (and reformed) villians doing the right thing. The villian is a “Power Broker” type of mobster guy. i.e. he gives people warped versions of super powers [the dad doesn't want the formula in the wrong hands so he screws it up for the villian.] and they in turn go nuts and die.)
ergo, that’s where the MC kicks in. But she works at a metahuman coroner’s place hidden under the main building.
Hey B.Mac Thanks for the post with my brother. He didnt read all of it just the first paragraph. Sorry He’s a little short-sighted.
Anyway I was thinking ( like i always do) about all the storys that i have started. I’m kinda stuck on which story to write. I’m not sure if you remeber the story with Matthew Schultz. ( If not i’ll post something) But its between the schultz story and a new idea i’ve been kinda toying with and dwelling on. The story is about a special agency that hunts destroys. or captures Cryptids. (Cryptids are mysterious creatures that some believe to exsist in real life.) In the story a boy follows a mysterious girl( yea i got this from a post you suggested) at night. he sees the girl fighting a dangerous looking beast. Before he can escape the beast rushes at him but the girl defends him.
Somehow they defeat the monster and the boy realizes that no matter how much he tries he can’t seem to get away from the girl or the monsters that seem to be appearing more and more frequently.
This isnt the whole story overview but i dont want to overload you with information. The point of this entire post is to see which one you thought was better.
So i’d appreciate any feedback
“Sorry, he’s a little short-sighted.” Haha, I’m the one with a political science degree. If I could paraphrase someone wittier than I am, nobody sets out to earn a poli-sci degree–it’s something you wake up with and wonder “where the hell did I go so wrong?” It’s like a tattoo of an ex-girlfriend, but you’ll be paying for it longer.
…
Okay, here’s what I remember about your Matthew Schultz story. Please feel free to correct or clarify. Matthew’s parents are scientific geniuses and their evil boss sabotages one of their experiments. Matthew gets badly injured while trying to rescue somebody and gets some superpowers from cybernetic surgery. That sounds like a workable story, although it doesn’t yet have the “zing” that I think would set it apart from the pack. (For example, the main character doesn’t feel memorable yet and I don’t remember anything about the conflict besides “the boss is a bad person,” which suggests to me that either I should start taking ginkgo supplements or his motivations/goals could be a bit more lively/memorable).
…
As for your second work, with the boy, the girl and the monsters, it sort of reminds me of a sci-fi version of your third story, the one where Marcus is a regular student that discovers that Alvira is secretly a queen of a fantasy realm. I think the idea of an occult agency, while somewhat cliched, is much less cliche than the premise of kids from the “real world” entering a fantastic realm. The protagonist doesn’t come across as very interesting/memorable yet, but I think that will at least partially subside as I get to learn more about him. (For example, who’s this mysterious girl and why is he following her? What’s he like?)
Of the two, I feel like the second has more promise*, but obviously you should write what you feel more comfortable with. A 70,000+ word novel is a LONG slog.
*I’ve read some works about occult investigators, like Odd Squad, Dresden Files, some Lovecraftian horror, and BPRD/Hellboy, but generally this “teen gets drawn into sci-fi/paranormal adventure” feels a bit less done to me than “teen gets drawn into superhero adventure,” which has been heavily mined. In both cases, I think the book will succeed or fail based on how interesting the protagonist(s) is and the execution of the adventure, but I think the superhero would be under more pressure to stand out.
Hi marquis,
Yea I wanted to tell you that I prefer your Mathew schultz story (I think its because I’m not a fan of magical things a lot) I was also able to relate to it better. The one about the cryptids, for some unfathomable reason it reminded me of the manga, naruto, which has now become very repetitive.
—-
I also think you should move out of “how to write origin stories” page and maybe get a review forum to get you focused on a particular story, kinda like you waking up one morning and quitting your job to focus on your long time dream of becoming a masseur.*
PS. Thats a stupid example needed to come up with something.
-Cool d
Wow. I think i should explain the cryptid story a bit more. I don’t wont it to feel like some magical world. In fact i planned on them being in the real world not some fantasy place.(My brother marquel is into that type of stuff)
B.Mac- The Cryptid story is a sort of spinoff of the other story I had planned on writing.I had got the idea from a comment you had made about the boy following the girl. After a bit more thought i thought about a sort of graphic fight scene type of story that focuses on the fights but also other problems the character may face that doesnt have anything to do with the agency. But mainly I had an excellent thought about weapons and cryptids drawings to show you guys the visuals. Also I felt like the second story was more original than the Matthew Schultz story.
Cool d- With the Matthew Scultz story it was a kind of in it but then not in it type of situation where I would write a bit read it and like it. Read it again not like it. post it get feedback and then like it again. But then I started to think that readers would really enjoy the fact that the protagonist had common teenage problems along with a bit of action and some romance.
In the end I think I’ll Do The Matthew Schultz Story do to the fact that i’ve given the story more thought and know exactly how the charcters will act and feel thanks you guys.
P.S. How can i get a review forum.
P.s.s Does B.mac stand for Big Mac? Sorry irrelevent I know
Just ask bmac
And no b.mac doesn’t stand for big mac.
It stands for my first name, which is not Big.
Or Bodacious, even though that describes me better. (Brian, but the password on my scripts is brian)
About the review forum?? Brandon Mac Brian Mac thats what it is Brian Mac
no one ever said how i could get my review forum…. i understand if you’re busy.
Just ask bmac for one. Hes busy just ask him though I’d like to see yor work.
Also check out my review forum, I’d like to know what you think.
will do
Hey I’ve commented here before but it’s been a while m things change so here’s my new story idea basically an evolved version of my original idea so please let me know what you think and it’s actually an idea for a series tv or comic or something. But anyways yea leg me know what you think anyone.
The story revolves around two teens. Max a young teen whose mother was killed by a demon when he was very young. After being saved by Tyro, a member of a team of warriors who hunt demons and monsters known as the Blight Knights, he is trained by him to also become a knight. After his first few adventures young Max decides to move to Spring City with his aunt at his mothers request.
Zane is the second main character. His origin is he was just 5 years old when he was adopted by a nice family. As he grew older he began to realize he was different. His anger and dark thoughts would make him strong. When he was 10 years old after a fight with his parents his anger gets the best of him and he unleashes a powerful shadow blast killing them both. Xander a demon takes him in and teaches him to use and harnest his power.
Now the first chapter(or episode not sure yet) begins 5 years after Maxs training with Tyro now 15 he is living a pretty normal life in Spring City. He’s got his girlfriend Adriene and best friend Jace. His class takes a field trip to the local museum where a recently discovered artifact is being shown to the public forthe first time. At the museum Jace bumps into a man in a big jacket and realizes he is hiding a big sword under it. But nobody believes him. During the presentation of the artifact the man summons up a big doglike demon who reams havoc. As everyone escapes Max fights the monster as his former mentor arrives and fights off the coated man. Max is able to kill the beast and Tyro orders him to grab the artifact (a veil wwith a weird red crest on it). Max makes his way to it and runs off with it but the coated man who reveals himself to be Lix an old friend now working for an evil team of demons known as Vexens Hand escapes Tyro and heads after Max.
Max running through the rooftops is chased by Lix. The crest on the veil begins to react to Max. It glows red and comes of the veil and enters Max his eyes begin to glow red. He then sees visions or flashes of an older man who looks like an older version of Max. In the vissions the man fights of dark powerful warrior using a mysterious big red sword with a crest like the one on the veil. Max the reawakens from the visions and finds himself holding the sword from the vission.
Lix catches up to Max and they fight above the city and using the swords new power Max fights Lix off who escapes. Max heads home putting the veil under his bed. He and Tyro then meet up and Tyro tells Max that the veils holds the essence of the dark demon lord known as Vexens. Using the veil Vexens could be brought back to life. The mAn Max saw in his vision was Fierro Maxs father he never met who using the red sword known as the Lexicon ( strong sword created by the supreme guardians) defeated Vexens and trapped his essence in the veil. Fierro was last seen a week before m
Max was born. He was fighting Vexens and both were sucked into a portal both believed to have died there. Now it seems he may be alive somewhere.
Meanwhile Larry a classmate of Maxs witnessed most of the battle at the museum and sneaks into Maxs house and finds the veil and takes it.
Maxs aunt sees him leaving and calls and tells Max what she saw. Max and Tyro head to find Larry and find him held by Lix above Spring City. Max attacks but quickly realizes controlling the Lexicon is gonna take some training he accident breaks the veil releasing Vexens essence into the city. Angry Lix escapes dropping Larry to his death but Larry easily survives the fall. Tyro concludes that since the proper spell was not done Vexens won’t be back but those who are touched by his essence will be changed.
Max decides it’s up to him to find all those infected and re- collect the essence before Vexens Hand does. The last scene would show Larry transforming into a mostrous thing.
Hey Lex. It sounds like a good idea – have you ever heard of ]Vecna’s Hand? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vecna Go down to the artifacts area. That might confuse some people who are used to it with the Vexens Hand.
I do like the ending – a not happy one which leaves room for further expansion. This would be a YA story right?
Thanks for the input dani but in my story Vexens Hand is the name of a team idk maybe ur right I’ll change it also um whats a ya story????
Some thoughts and suggestions:
–YA is short for “young adults.” In novel-publishing, the YA genre encompasses readers ~12-18.
–If your aim is to get this professionally published/aired, I’d recommend being extra-careful on your proofreading when you write your pitch and any sample episodes. (For example, “Max a young teen whose mother was killed by a demon when he was very young” is a run-on sentence). I’ve only seen a few TV scripts and proposals in my life, but none of them had ANY typos.
–I’d recommend developing the protagonists’ personalities a bit more. I think Zane is a bit more interesting in that regard.
–What’s the target audience for this? Based on the age of the characters and it being an action cartoon, I’d guess that the target audience is probably something like ~10-15 year old guys. (In the US, there are pretty few cartoons aimed at adult viewers, and most of them are either comedies or Japanese imports). If so, I think it might be too mature for Zane to kill his parents. Or, if he does kill them, maybe handle it very gently. Some relatively dark series for younger viewers do get away with fairly tame deaths—for example, Batman: The Animated Series killed Robin’s parents off-camera and Justice League’s Dr. Destiny killed several nameless victims off-camera. (Justice League also had Lex Luthor throw a gorilla out of an airlock into deep space, but instead of the rated-R body-turns-inside-out gorefest that realistically would have been, there was no sign on camera that it was any more harmful than getting picked up by a really strong wind).
–If you did this as a comic book, it might help to age it up a bit. The core audience for Western comics is men aged 18-30. The material is not kiddy, which I think would be a plus for comics. However, it might be a bit easier to sell it to prospective comic readers if the protagonists were ~18 rather than ~15. 15 would be a good fit for a cartoon show, though.
–The premise, “Ordinary teens get drawn into a world of supernatural adventure,” is very well-traveled, particularly in cartoons/anime. I think it would really help to differentiate your story from works with similar premises (such as Bleach, Yu-Yu Hakusho, Inuyasha, Sailor Moon, Jake Long, B. Mac’s Magical Mystery Tour, Card Captors, etc). In particular, I’d focus on developing the characters more and developing the fantasy setting beyond what you could find in Tolkien, medieval Japan or Final Fantasy. This is true for comic books (or novels), too, but ESPECIALLY if you’re pitching a TV show because you are competing against a bajillion similar premises, some of which are well-established.
–“Max [is] a young teen whose mother was killed by a demon when he was very young… After being saved by Tyro,… he is trained to also become a knight. After his first few adventures, young Max decides to move to Spring City at his mother’s request.” I feel like there may be some discrepancies here. He decides to move to Spring City at his mother’s request… But his mother’s already dead, isn’t she? (If she’s already dead and his decision happens after he has trained as a knight, I’d recommend phrasing this just as his decision rather than her request because the protagonists should be as front-and-center as possible).
–Why does Tyro select Max to become a knight rather than anybody else off the street? (IE: is there something impressive about Max besides his heritage? Does he do something special?)
–The Zane-Xander relationship sounds promising. However, we don’t see any of it in the first episode. To keep the studio/publisher interested, I’d recommend doing something interesting with Max/Tyro or perhaps Max/Max’s aunt early because I think those are the key relationships in the first episode.
–I used to play Dungeons and Dragons, very well may be a gnome, and have heard of Vecna’s Hand before. I don’t think a name change is 100% necessary for a successful pitch but I think the name probably would get changed before the episode got aired.
–So, after getting trained as a knight, Max leads a pretty normal life in Spring City. If he’s been trained as a knight, why does he maintain a normal life and live with his aunt? (One possibility: He gets adopted by his aunt after the death of his mom and only later gets trained as a knight—he’d have to grow into his skills and I think that would be more relatable).
I’ve never heard of B. Mac’s Magical Mystery Tour.
Neither have I, and that’s probably for the best.
To my knowledge, I’ve only starred in two stories (one a fan-fiction). The less said about either, the better.
Thanks bmac. About the typos your right, though it was from my iPhone(no excuse though). Also I should have mentioned that Maxs mother was a knight before having Max. She was killed by a demon who had a grudge against her. He turns out to be Roark Maxs uncle from his fathers side. But yea that’s another story. But because she was a knight Tyro knew she always wanted Max to live a normal life. That is the reason I said at her request. I should’ve been more clear.
And as for the reason Tyro trains Max is that Tyro had promised Fierro he would watch over his family just minutes before his final battle with Lord Vexen(this too another story for another time). The two were best friends. So it’s Tyro who finds the dead Maria(Mas mom) and the young Max who in fear unleashes a powerful blast of power. Realizing the boy takes after his father in being very powerful Tyro trains him to help take down Roark who is too very strong.
As for his aunt, she knew of her sisters “friends” and Tyro let’s her know what’s going on. After Roark is defeated she gladly welcomes Max home.
Does that explain????? Let me know please very bit of input helps.
Oh yea and as for Zanes story, do you think making him into another series maybe a spin off is a better way to go?????
“As for Zane’s story, do you think making him into another series, maybe a spinoff, is a better way to go?” Personally, I would lean towards no. First, his personality sounds better-developed than Max’s. (Thinking back on the synopsis I read maybe 1-2 hours ago, I can remember that Zane is more troubled and a bit volatile, but can’t recall anything about Max’s personality–this suggests to me that Zane is more memorable so far). Zane’s relationship with his demon mentor sounds like it has more dramatic potential than Max’s relationship with Tyro, which so far sounds to me like it’ll probably be overwhelmingly friendly and cooperative (which is not as conducive to excitement as a more mixed relationship with some potential for conflict).
One potential concern with Tyro’s backstory is that I fear that his promise to Fierro (to watch over Max) will result in him being uniformly nice to Max. One possible adjustment would be having Fierro give instructions to Tyro that encourage him to be more confrontational with Max as necessary. “You’ll kick his butt when he needs it, won’t you?” “Of course, sir.”
One plotting possibility is introducing both characters and both mentors in the first episode. (There probably won’t be much time to get into, say, Zane’s family backstory, but in 21-22 minutes, I don’t think it would be hard to show the most important things about him, like his personality). Perhaps Max and Zane are knights sort of competing over the same beat, or perhaps they’re assigned to be part of the same team. Perhaps they’re on the same team but are rivals anyway. Either way, I think the interactions between the two will make them more interesting than they would be on their own. (For one thing, they don’t seem to have many side-characters in place, so they kind of need each other).
Taking that into consideration how about if Xander and Zane also knights(not friendly ones) are assigned to retrieve the veil. Max no longer an “active” member is looked down on by both Xander and Zane. But when Lix attempts to tame the veil Max, bring there with his class and all, tries stop Lix. In doing so he gets in Xander and Zanes way causing the mission to go down and the “essence” released into the city.
Tyro is sent in to keep his former student in check. Max feeling responsible decides hes gonna recollect the “essence” which of course is now Xander and Zanes mission. There a rivalry/unwanted partnership begins.
Is that better maybe???? And also some of the supporting characters I created such as Adriene , Maxs girlfriend, interact with Zane who is considered the new kid in town. She even gets close to him causing him to wanna change his main power source being his anger and darkness. He wants this because they begin to care about eachother causing some obvious trouble between Max and Zane and Maz and Adriene. Also Xander who has a plan to use Zane to retrieve the Lexicon from Max.
What you think???? Please let me know.
“But when Lix attempts to tame the veil Max, bring there with his class and all, tries stop Lix. In doing so he gets in Xander and Zanes way causing the mission to go down and the “essence” released into the city.” I really like this. It gives him a personal reason to go back to being a knight (namely, he blew it and he owes the city his help until he’s fixed his problem). I can see why Zane/Xander would not want his help (namely, he blew it once, he’s been out of “active” service for a while and seems to be rusty, AND they might doubt that his heart’s actually in it).
Also, I like that Max fails more clearly in his first action. I think it raises the stakes.
…
All in all, this strikes me as substantially more interesting. I think Max could still use a flaw, though. (Perhaps something that leads him to make the mistake of getting involved even though Zane and Xander could do it themselves?)
Hi, Ive been on here before but I had to start over on my story before because my computer was stolen. But anyways I am trying to write a superhero story where my main character, Jamal, enters into an inner city gang so the gang will give protection to his mothers store. A few days go by and while he is robbing a store with a few other members the cops show up and Jamal gets caught in an ensuing chase. It’s his 1st strike the judge has an idea and sentences him to a military boot camp. Littlle does either of them know that the military is starting to get into a genetic arms race w/ other countries after spies confirm the start of genetic programs to create enhanced soldiers in China. So they are taking delinquient kids to begin human testing since they need to be able to compete with the other nations. What do you think?
The premise sounds okay–sharper and more concise than I remember. I like that the character is held accountable for his decisions… I think that helps raise the stakes on his actions and decisions.
Would you like to send me the first chapter?
PS: I’m sorry to hear about the computer.
Yea probably. When I get finished writing it. Im just unsure where I gonna go with it. I know that I want Jmal and various other teens to get superpowers and then they will eventually escape back to the city and then all of a sudden gangs will have super powered members. But the govt has to step in and they think they can use Jamal as their agent.
That sounds workable. There might be a minor plot-hole to fill in regarding why the government put him in this program even though they think they can use him to fight off the actual delinquents. (Maybe they did background checks on everybody after the escape and found him to be the most reliable/promising). I think there’s some potential for conflict there–how eager will he be to work with them after they’ve already tried to screw him once?
Yea I was gonna make him as the most reliable to work with seeing as how for some reason he was the only forst time offender to sent to the program, while the others are mostly 2nd and 3rd strikers.
Hey B. Mac, I realize you are busy, but I would love to have your feedback on one of my last posts after yours…so i’m posting it again, there will some changes to what I had typed though.
First of all, I did forget to mention that the organization that does these genetic operations is a corporation I named GenoTech. People pay them for the procedures they want to undergo; from changing their skin color or gender to increasing their muscle mass or bio-electric output. Then the patients perform a series of physical and psychological examinations by highly trained professionals…but I can’t decide if it would better if these professional were inside the organization or are hired from outside. However, once you pass these exams GenoTech then performs the genetic alterations. Then the genes are disperesed throughout the patient’s body. Depending on the complexity of the change, this could days to months. So is that ok for an original comic book idea?
That first note of conflict, about the person passing all the physical and psychological exams and then becoming insane, helped me iron out a place for one of my already existing, and most treasured, characters. His name is Jeremy Young, but later goes by Prizm after he is illegally altered with the ability to telekinetically manipulate glass. I always envisioned him as a violent psychopath and never could figure out what pushed him over that edge. But due to the sheer complexity and the painful physical and mental alterations made by the dispersal of this ability within his body…he becomes aggressive and distant, which turns into a violent and callous individual. But tell me…is that too predictable and clichéd for a villain? If so, how could change it and make him able to separate himself from the mass of belligerent psychos in comics?
Your second note of conflict is good, about the first generation of human that had been altered being insane or unworthy of such power, but I don’t see it working in my world at least in part. You see I wanted my world to be relatively realistic. So these genetic engineering procedures would have been administered over the decades and made safer the more they are done. So, the first generation of common people that got these alterations would either be dead of very old. That being said though, I had the thought of having people employed at GenoTech whose job it was to craft new and different genes to alter people with and give their customers more options. Instead of the first generations of the Altered causing problems, these new genes could have unforseen complications…so your suggestion about someone going insane after being altered could still work for me. And along the lines of people getting altered with superpowers who really shouldn’t have them, GenoTech also contracts people to act as superheroes. These people are would use their alterations to bring down the criminals of the city and bring them back to GenoTech for the removal of their alterations.
The third note of conflict I’m very interested in. I have some great ideas but i’m not sure which one to go with. Two of the greatest ideas in my head are;
1) A single man with the ability to bestow superpowers on anyone he touches who is called The Giver by those he has touched. Some of these people go about their lives as normal, but others begin to follow him, and become known as the Apex Apostles.
2) A man who leads an eclectic collection of mean and women who tend to act as a guerilla attack squad.
Now i would go with the fact The Giver and the other man act with egalitarian tendencies. Both would be trying to take down GenoTech, i’m only asking which one would be less predictable, but wouldn’t take that much away from the star of this story.
Thank you in advance for any help/insights that any of you may offer me.
Hmm, okay…
–”People pay them for the procedures they want to undergo; from changing their skin color or gender to increasing their muscle mass or bio-electric output. Then the patients perform a series of physical and psychological examinations by highly trained professionals…” They pay for the procedure before getting evaluated for the procedure? (So, if they later get turned down for the procedure, do they get their money back?)
–I don’t think it would make a big difference whether GT has its own in-house staff or if it farms out the tests to outside professionals. If you wanted to play up some conflict between GT and its testers, I think it’d be preferable to have them be outsiders.
–”Is that too predictable and cliched for a villain?” It’s not the freshest origin I’ve ever heard of. Quite a lot of villains go crazy after going through an experimental medical procedure or chemical injection. You’d probably want to distinguish the character from other examples such as Metallo*, Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, etc. What’s his motivation for going through this procedure? (*: Well, Metallo was a professional criminal before going through the operation).
–I’m not sure the character concept of The Giver fits in with your plan of a more realistic world. One minor alteration that might help would be making him a rival scientist–perhaps a former GT staffer that left or was fired because of some sort of workplace dispute. (Perhaps he disagreed with some aspect of the testing procedures).
–The idea of a guy who leads an eclectic guerilla squad sounds interesting, but I think it’d come down to whether his motivations were interesting and ideally believable enough.
Ok, thank you for the quick feedback B. Mac. ^_^
Now about GT refunds. I had the idea of people paying for the procedures and to have the various tests performed on them. So if they get passed the physical tests and fail the psychological exams, they would get part of their of their moeny back. I’m not sure if medical insurance would cover these alterations, though because you be changing your already strong and healthy body. Now people with a genetic disorder would be covered because they are repairing damamge to thier bodies through genen manipulation.
well, Jeremy Young’s dad is the one leading the eclectic guerilla squad, The Foundation. William Young would the egalitarian and would want to destroy what he thinks GT represents where only the rich get power. He pulls a scientist away from GT, and bribes him into altering his son with the gene to control glass. Jeremy’s motivations are at first rage, but after a few majors defeats at the hands of the hero of my story, his motives change to him wanting to show his father that not everyone is created equal…he feels that the hero is better than him.
“I’m not sure if medical insurance would cover these alterations, though because you be changing your already strong and healthy body.” In real life, I suspect it would not. I think a RL insurance company would regard all of these procedures to be optional. So, if you wanted to have The Foundation get angry over GT empowering the wealthy, I think it’d be entirely believable that the people with the most access to these optional miracle surgeries would be the wealthy.
If you wanted to write in characters that were not very wealthy, you could explain that in a few ways. For example, perhaps GT’s operations are sometimes medically necessary. (Under most conditions, an operation to make someone supernaturally strong would probably be optional/noncovered, but an insurance company might cover it for a patient whose cerebral palsy couldn’t be treated any other way).
Alternately, GT may provide some of its services for free. Its highly experimental procedures may be offered to volunteer test subjects before they are offered to paying customers. (I think that’s how medical research usually works, but don’t quote me on that).
Depending on its motives, GT might be willing to enter into unusual long-term agreements with uninsured patients unable to pay upfront. For example, “We’ll give you this life-saving procedure and any necessary follow-up, but in exchange we want 20% of the money you make for the rest of your life. That’s less than the IRS takes and Lord knows we’re doing more for you.” Such an arrangement isn’t entirely sinister (so GT won’t come off as one-dimensionally evil), but I can see why the Foundation might oppose something that’s possibly even more intrusive and predatorial than sharecropping.
\Ur so naise hooman. I eets yoo last.\
Ha! That’s so funny!
Quotation problems again…
In a post apocalyptic world, after most of the world’s resources have been diminished. Most first world countries reduced to areas of sadness and destruction. this is all due to the natural disasters that destroyed most of the world. its kind of a spinoff of 2012 theory , but with a deeper story and suprising answers as to how this came to be. i’m havin a bit of a problem with the cause of this disaster (B&UD: Blackout and Ultimate destruction date). i haven’t decided as to whether or not i can invole aliens, Gods or deities, or scientific reasons.
Setting : is set in a futuristic setting in my country here in africa called Nigeria. refugees had fled to africa, living and inhabiting the cities. the countries can contain this people seeing as its in the future and technology has developed more
due to the belief that the world was devastated so much because of ECO problems , so most of the technology is GREEN inspired. the main aim of this comic or graphic novel ( haven’t decided yet) is to contradict the belief that africa is an underdeveloped continent. That we live in trees or huts or in a jungle. There are no monkeys in my backyard, we have internet t.v, netflix , fox and most important electricity. even cool D lives in my state very close to my estate.
Main Character : He is a young adult by the name of tobi ( not toby as in tobias but same pronounciation) he recently joins the IIA ( Interracial Intergration Agency) for emotional reasons later described in the story , as it progresses he joins a more secret organisation (name not yet decided) he gains more skills friends and abilities as he grows and proves himself, will continue in next post. what do you all think.
Any response
It sounds pretty cool so far, I like that the story is set in Africa, as not a lot of stories are (I recall The Ear, The Eye and the Arm was set in a post-apocalyptic world Africa like yours, however.) The apocalypse you choose depends on the mood you want the story to have. Most post-apocalyptic stories are science-based and can be very gritty. If you want that feel, I’d avoid anything extravagant like aliens or gods.
If the world was devastated due to an environmental catastrophe, you would have a bit of work/scientific research cut out for you, but you could also make it scarily realistic considering it’s a very real threat right now. (One note… environmental catastrophe would affect Africa pretty badly too, so if your goal is to show how Africa is NOT this wasteland may western readers believe it to be, make the catastrophe something like an oil crisis or similar, because that would hit western countries hardest. Famines and floods would still affect Africa.) Ah, you probably know all this, just pointing out bits, but I like the setup of your story, it sounds awesome ^.^
thanks, will be sure to make changes, myna.
ps do you have any idea where bmac is?
Not sure. Considering he just graduated, he’s probably a bit busy right now. I dunno what’s going on for sure though, although he’ll probably be back soon.
Very good premise. I like the idea of Africa being a refuge, which is really backwards from the current state of things.
)
Just be careful though, I wouldn’t make your society in post-apoplytic Africa a replica of modern America. (In other words, no NetFlix
I wouldn’t get too carried off with the whole “World devastation via natural disasters” either. Its plausible to a certain degree, but having six stratigically placed (enter one: earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, etc.) taking out society kinda seems unbelievable. But I’m not sure exactly what you have in mind.
this is a common misconception, though it it is not your fault. most people think africa is thishttp://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://i1.trekearth.com/photos/2674/african-village.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/Africa/Zambia/West/North-Western/luanga_valley/photo21195.htm&usg=__52HLqUqOTmjlQz034vGdQ7Kkd-c=&h=446&w=688&sz=197&hl=en&start=1&zoom=1&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=KsxQbjhcotThKM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=139&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dafrican%2Bvillage%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1R2ACEW_enNG421%26biw%3D875%26bih%3D319%26tbm%3Disch&ei=1rzeTYGHEIXUsgbo68TiBQ
this are the rural areas that every country has. this is actually how it is.http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.africa-adventure.org/1_englis/southafr/1_pics/kwazulu/durbnight.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.africa-adventure.org/1_englis/southafr/accommo/5_durban.html&usg=__3WxOxS0D3Ga5QS7B-VRpsY4puU4=&h=206&w=308&sz=14&hl=en&start=7&zoom=1&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=Ge7_ZH2pOw2hLM:&tbnh=78&tbnw=117&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dafrican%2Bmetropolis%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1R2ACEW_enNG421%26biw%3D875%26bih%3D319%26tbm%3Disch&ei=LLzeTcmlNMzSsga3vcnYBQ
maybe this would allow you guys to understand my plot better. also africa is a collective term, but my setting is based in Nigeria my home country , but as the story progresses my protagonist travels the continent.
…thanks for the input.
“Do you have any idea where B. Mac is?” Dealing with post-graduation details, mostly job stuff. (For example, I spent too much of yesterday starting an FBI background check for a work visa). Sorry for any inconvenience caused.
–Mustaphalic, I read through your premise. It feels a bit sparse to me so far. My biggest concern is that the main character strikes me as something of an afterthought so far. For example, what’s Tobi’s main goal? What are some of the obstacles he’s overcoming? What’s his personality like?
–How did Nigeria come to be a center of green tech?
–You can invoke aliens, gods or deities, but I would only recommend doing so if you intend for the aliens or gods or deities to have a continuing role in the story. Otherwise, I’d recommend natural disasters not caused by any particular actor. It also depends on the genre you’re hoping to write in. If you go with aliens or a scientific disaster, the book will probably be listed in (postapocalyptic) science fiction, whereas I think gods or deities would probably push the book into (maybe urban?) fantasy.
–”The main aim of this comic or graphic novel is to contradict the belief that Africa is an underdeveloped continent.” Are you planning on submitting this for professional publication? I’m not sure that the readers will find this message terribly interesting.* If I were the guy reading through the script, I’d really like to see more of a story. (IE: I’d be interested to learn more about the character and his quest, rather than the setting. If the hero is less interesting than the setting, I think that raises red flags about the characterization).
*The main reason somebody buys a comic book or GN is to be entertained rather than educated. There’s pretty much no market for educational CBs/GNs because teachers almost never assign them. Moreover, customers primarily looking to be educated will go 98%+ for nonfiction with maybe an acclaimed novel here or there.** This is not to say that comic books and graphic novels can’t be smart, but they first and foremost need to entertain someone or they will rot on shelves. (For example, I think When the Wind Blows and Maus handled serious material in an entertaining way).
**At least, that’s my understanding, and it may be different outside of the United States. You know more about your home market than I do.
If you’re planning on publishing this professionally, which publishers are you looking at? (Nigerian ones? Other African ones? Western ones?)
Hey guys. Real quick question. As some of you may know, I am developing a series of solo stories that will eventually bleed into the formation of a group story. As it stands right now, I’ve planned the group to contain six memebers. I also like diversity on a team so each member will possess a different kind of superpower. What i mean is that so far I’ve got:
-a small group of people worldwide with genetically innaturalized powers (eg. Fantastic Four)
-humans with enough motivation or psychosis to don costumes (eg. Batman or Joker)
-people who can channel and control magic who consort with angels and demons (eg. Dr. Strange)
-a handful of people who use a special object to acheive feats of a superhuman nature (eg. Green Lantern)
-aliens that are looking to destroy us or saves us based on their personal views of us (eg. Superman or Galactus)
I’m having trouble thinking of a sixth member. I’m leaning towards tech-based powers. But I can’t seem to think of a story that doesn’t seem like an Iron Man knock-off. So is there any other way to power people in superhero fiction that I’m missing?
The person could be a techie (either without a powersuit or one where the suit is really minor). Some examples include Gear from Static Shock, Oracle from Batman, Micah from Heroes, etc. In terms of his scientific knowledge, he may be some sort of gadgeteer, a mad scientist, and/or a hacker/electronics specialist.
Alternately, you could go with a robot/android or a cyborg. If you’re looking for something a bit more unusual, maybe a sentient vehicle. (Don’t let Knight Rider fool you–this can actually be done seriously!
Another possibility would be that you have a powersuit, but something about the parameters and/or user are really different than the Ironman suit and/or Tony Stark.
Or, for something quite a bit more unusual, maybe something like military psionics. Or aliens.
Or you could have him be able to communicate with machinery.
Yeah, that’s what Micah from Heroes does.
All that’s great but does it HAVE to be tech-based? I mean how many types of powers are there in superhero fiction?
It doesn’t HAVE to be tech-based, but it does fill a convenient role. In my superhero story, I have a shapeshifter, a character with prehensile hair, a guy who can fly/shoot energy blasts/make forcefields, and then one who COULD do the same things as the last guy, but has decided to pour his energy into studying computers instead so he can attack the villains through cyberspace, by draining their bank accounts, shutting off their security systems, etc. That allows both physical attacks from the other three, and hacking that the other one could use to destroy their assets.
Arresting a mob boss is all good, but someone else will just take up the job. But, if you can ruin the finances, they’ll have nothing to use.
Enabling them to simply drain the villain’s assets could make defeating them too easy. However a good technopath’s hacking skills is useful in all sorts of circumstances. I recommend for teams always having a techie, makes life easier.
My story is a space western/ space opera
Bridget Tereshkova’s Origin
Real Name: Ava Harley
Nationality: Meridian (the core system, birthplace of modern humanity, conqueror of worlds)
Birthplace: Saejin (“Jewel of the universe” center of Meridian culture)
Blood type: K (Keyah, named after the first person discovered to have this blood type) People with this blood type have highly enhanced healing, though not quite as good as Wolverine’s. If it takes too long to heal, she gets scars or dies. The healing is the result of lots of stem cells in the body, making her vulnerable to viruses that attack stem cells.
Origin:
Despite being born on Saejin, to Meridian parents, life was not as easy as a Ringer (someone born on the Ring, the worlds outside Meridian) would expect. Big business does its best to crush small business so by the time she was eight her family was penniless and in debt. They were still happy as they had each other, but accepted it was time to move on. They signed on to be indentured at a clay factory on the moon Barlowe in the Long System (Barlowe is a small moon on the edge of the system, owned by Frederick Barlowe. He was able to get it fairly easily since it was considered a terraforming failure, but turned out to be a wise investment since the dirt on much of the moon turns into clay ten times stronger than steel when mixed with water and the right catalysts and kilned proper). Though on the ring, Barlowe was still considered a Meridian territory (F. Barlowe was Meridian). Anyway there was an accident she healed from way too quickly when she was thirteen (making the Barlowe news) and Meridian Summer Hail agents abducted her from her home and trained her to be a supersoldier/assassin/spy. They also performed painful medical experiments on her to test the limits of her healing. She escaped when she was seventeen and used her training for thieving and con artistry. She was captured by bounty hunters and put in cryo. Their ship had mechanical problems so they abandoned it. The crew of Saoirse (Sheer-sah) came across it and defrosted her and ended up hiring her, believing she had been captured by slavers.
For script pages see my review forum.
My story takes place a world where climate has recently changed drastically. Many cities in this world were destroyed during the change. Monsters and fiends are plenty i the world. Only a few major cities remain but throughout the world there are many different tribes made up of different races from humans to, monsters , to dinosaurs.
It’s told by legend that the world was created by three mythical creatures. The beast of the ocean, the soared of the sky , and the dwler of the earth. It’s believed by many that something affected these creatures which caused the sudden climate changes. Tho barely anyone has seen the beasts. A scientist from one of the manor cities remaining has been searching fore the three guardians. He learns of a tribe of people who worship the oven beast and goes there to live among them.
After only a few months living with them he comes across a baby in the wild and takes it in, raising it in the village. The scientist named Hank Mcvoy names the baby Charles. Charles grows up in the village learning to become a warrior impressing all even the tribe leader. At the age of 17 Charles decides to take the trial of warriors in order to become a man and goes off on a journey into a local cave.
Along the way he finds a group of explorers from one of the remaining cities. He saves them as they are attacked by a wild monster and becomes fond of the girl with them named Chloe. With only Chloe and another male I’ve in the group Charles brings them back to his village.
The scientist with Chloe named Robert is an old friend of Hank. He reveals to Hank his recent discovery of an ancient map he believes holds the location to the three mythical guardians. The four leave the village headed for the city there from. Robert reveals that he has learned that unless the three guardians are killed the world wi experience another major change Wichita could kill them all. The king of that city decides to give Robert an army to take with him and defeat the three beast.
Robert invites Hank to come with him on the quest and to bring Charles after witnessing the teens also g strength. The two agree and head on there journey. As they arrive at the location wheee the beast of the ocean is believed to be they find a local tribe. Charles and Chloe befriend a local and learn that the tribe believes that each guardian when defeated leveas a crystal containing all it’s power.
When the army heads to attack the beasts lair the tribe tries to stop them but Robert orders them to slaughter the tribe. Charles , Hank , and Chloe are horrified and try to stop them. But they fail. Hank realizes that Robert is really after the power of the guardians.
The beast artists and fights the army and they realize that Robet has a dark power which with the help of the army is able to defeat the beast. Hank is killed but Charles promises to stop Robert. Charles is able to grab the crystal bit is washed away as the oceans are going wild.
Charles awakens in a far away village and the village tells him that the crystal he had has infused with him, now he has the power of the first beast. The village ted him that if Robert defeats the last 2 the world will be destroyed. The leader of this tribe tells him that Robert has gotten the power of guardian of hell and is powerful enough to do so.
They tell him of a tribe of powerful beings known as the swamps who if they join Charles can help him stop Robert. Giving a map exactly like Roberts Chloe and Charles go off to the swamps.
There he finds that they are being terrorized by a warrior more powerful then them. If he defeats him they will join his cause. Charles meets the warrior who has crystals just like the one Charles has. He fights Charles and wins. He tells Charles that the 2 have more in common than he thinks. He tells Charles that he will leave the village alone of he promises to join him after he defeats Robert. Charles agrees and the warior disappears.
Charles and Chloe lead the swamp warriors to the location of the second beast where Robert is already slayed the beast. They race to the final location along the way Charles and Chloe get closer and intimate.
At the final beast Charles helps it escape Robert who fights one on one with him. The two seem even as Robert tries to get Charles to join him. The secret warrior from before shows up getting annoyed that Charles is taking so long. In the end Charles defeats Robert and absorbs the power of the flying beast and he’ll guardian.
In the end the mysterious powerful warrior tells Charles that his name is Rale and he is his older brother. The two are from a race of beings known as space walkers. He tells Charles he was accidentally left in this demanding years ago as a baby. They are from a race that travel from dimension to dimension. He has powers from different guardians of other dimensions and tells Charles he is gonna introduce him to his own kind.
Charles leaves with his brother. The last panel will show Chloe sometime later pregnant with his child. Leaving room for a sequel series.
This is just and idea for a comic book series so please leave feedback. Let me kno what u think.
Hello, Brossliex! Here are some thoughts and suggestions…
–If your goal is to get professionally published, I would recommend proofreading a bit more aggressively. (For example, “my story takes place a world…” is missing a word and there are a few other typos elsewhere).
–What is the “soared of the sky”? (A sword, perhaps?)
–Marvel/Disney and DC/Warner are pretty aggressive about protecting their characters from perceived copyright violations. For this reason, I’d recommend renaming the scientist something besides Hank McVoy (because it’s really close to Marvel’s scientist Hank McCoy).
–What are Hank’s and Charles’ personalties like? What about Chloe? (If I had to pick a single thing that distinguished a script that languished in the pile and one that stood out, I think it would be strong/interesting/unusual characterization).
–”The beast artists and fights the army…” Artists?
–Why does the king of the city decide to give Robert an army? (Doesn’t he have military leaders of his own? Is there some reason he REALLY trusts Robert?)
How do the villagers know what happened with Charles taking on the power of the beast of hell? One possibility that might be more interesting than having the villagers exposit this information would be to have Charles gradually discover this information on his own. Or maybe he begins to have dreams or visions.
I’m writing an origin story for a villian and need feedback
Chloe West was born into a rich family and always saw herself as the most beautiful girl in the world. At the age of 8 she was raped by her father. After the incident she went on her life, but still feared her father and the fact that if she told it to her mother, her father would hurt her. Chloe at the age of 23 is a supermodel and doesn’t care about anything but her looks. At a photoshoot an incident occurs and she is left with a scar on her cheek. The agency tells her that she can’t continue her career due to her scar and that she is replaced by a new model. She gets a call from her parents telling her she is a disgrace to the family honor and that she need to find a respectable career. Now on the brink of sanity she breaks into her parents estate and brutally murder them both. Before she leaves she grabs a porcelain doll mask that her dad had made for her. She put on the mask and goes to the model agency kill her replacement and many other models. In her mind, she is just \correcting their flaws\ by killing them. To be unrecongized she dyes her blonde hair pink.
I think the character’s internal logic could be a bit tighter. For example, I think just killing people doesn’t seem very closely connected to her origin story. Since she’s obsessed about physical appearances and has been ruined by a scar, perhaps her main goal is to make people rethink their ideas about beauty by disfiguring everybody? (Her reasoning could something like “People are only punished for being ugly because they look worse than pretty people–if everybody were made ugly, nobody would care about ugliness”). I think that’d be a bit more three-dimensional than something along the lines of “You’re flawed, so it’s time for you to die.” Alternately, if she is obsessed about killing people, maybe combat is her way of physically testing people. Modeling is all about the appearance of superiority, and maybe combat is her way of finding out who is truly physically superior.
“She gets a call from her parents telling her she is a disgrace to the family honor and that she needs to find a respectable career.” Does this have anything to do with her scarring (and subsequent firing) or are they just opposed to modeling in general? If they’ve always been opposed to modeling, why are her parents so upset now? (It seems contrived that the conflict would just happen to come to a boil right after her modeling career imploded?) One way to tie the two events together would be to have her get scarred/fired and then have her parents chew her out for becoming a model in the first place, because now she’s pretty much unable to get a real job. She doesn’t have job skills or a quality education (perhaps she insisted on a joke program like “modeling school“).
…
“Before she leaves she grabs a porcelain doll mask that her dad had made for her.” Hmm, I think there might be a smoother explanation for how she gets the mask. (It seems unusual that she’d have an adult-sized doll mask just sort of lying around?)
…
PS: You might enjoy this excerpt from Characterization by Trait for another approach to a character coping with physical disfigurement.
“Maybe his face has been horribly scarred by an accident or animal attack and now he lives alone in the wilderness. So now we’re getting a good visualization of this character: hard and freakishly ugly…. Perhaps he’s a relatively uneducated guy searching for some way to come to grips with the cosmic injustice that has befallen him. I think this coping quest would be accentuated if he lost a job that relied on his physical appearance. Hopefully he wasn’t a model (too obvious), but maybe he was a car salesman or someone else that needed to make a good impression. “
Do it’s a good idea for the audience to know the origins of ALL the characters? I mean, there’s never been an official history for the Joker… because so many people think it’s better that we not know his origins. What do you think?
The joker doesnt have a complete origin. But it was revealed that he fell into a vat of chemicals while being chased by batman. The chemicals changed his face and i think they made him really crazy. I got this information from Dc universe.
Yeah, I knew that much, but the rest is so shrouded in mystery, that even the Joker himself doesn’t know (when asked about his past, he said, “Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another. If I’m gonna have a past I’d prefer it to be multiple choice!! HAHAHA!!!).
Lol maybe he doesnt know or maybe being the joker he finds it funny to have people wonder about his past. When in truth he knows but again being the joker…..he just wont tell.
I don’t think the audience needs to know the origins of all the characters–you probably don’t have the room to cover every character in a novel or comic book at any length. Alternately, you might want to keep the character more mysterious for whatever reason. As long as we understand a character’s motivations and have some vague idea of where his powers come from*, I don’t think going into the origin is required.
Alternately, if you wanted to cover origins but didn’t have much space, I think you could gloss over an origin (especially an origin for a minor character) really quickly. For example, I covered a few characters in a sentence each in this scene of The Taxman Must Die. Even a major character might not need much more than that–it sort of depends how complicated the origin is and how much it ties into the plot.
*For example, if someone shows up in a powersuit, we’ll know where his powers came from and have the gist of how they work. In contrast, if someone just springs superpowers out of nowhere and we don’t have any idea where they came from, it might be confusing.
I’m working on a story of a super group of 5 people. The thing is that they’re all very different and I’m having a problem connecting them all. I don’t know how or why they’ll come together.So how can I connect them all?
Hmm, that sounds a bit vague, Malcolm. What do you know about the plot so far? (For example, what are they trying to accomplish? What’s the main villain like?) Also, what do you know about the main characters so far?
Malcolm, I think more about the the over-all plot for the story would help but here are some ideas off the top of my head.
1. They were all cheated by some sort of villian.
2. They all plan on accomplishing certain tasks that take place at the same area thus working together to accomplish these tasks.
…… thats all i got. Dont know if this will help.
Malcolm,I agree with Marquis, you need something that forces them to work together. As a rule superheroes are very proud people and usually go with the “I got this myself.” attitude. So you need something that makes them want to work together for ease or survival. You know?
So I’ve got a question as well guys. In my own comic book universe I am currently developing, I’m creating a story that involves people who can manipulate magic. The way they use magic is through the use of ritals and glyphs. These spells must be taught or otherwise studied. So i figured I’d make a school for them to go to. But, wanting to stay original, how do I write a story about ‘superpowered’ characters attending a special school that does not come off as an X-men rip off?
Cbguy,
Rather than making it a school why not just make it where the characters sort of make a headquarters you know liike from an abandoned building or secret passage that leads to a secluded place.They then collect the spells ( magic ritals n glyphs ) and write them in scrolls or something else.
If you dont want to change it from a school i dont really have any ideas for that…. the best thing to do would just be to change it from a school completely trust me on this one if it isnt like x-men it’ll be like harry potter even if you didnt intened for it to be that way. besides the whole kids learn stuff at a school idead is REALLY and im talk REALLY overused.
The story sounds like it has the potential to be really good, if you need any help with different spells and what not just let me know.
Thanks Marquis I think I will change it. By the way, my e-mail is comicbookguy117-at-yahoo-dot-com. What’s your e-mail?
marquiswilliams85@yahoo.com
Hit me up if you get the chance, i’d love to read more.
Dave Flintwood is twenty-five years old when he witnesses the death of his father, mother, and his grandpa. Traumatized and angered at the death he learns that they were all killed by a lunatic criminal known as Deadzone. He wants vengence for all this, and he thinks of this as meteors fall across Earth.
As he awakes in the morning, he realizes he has two bumbs on the top of his head. In one day they turn out to be horns, he grows a black tail. His eyes turn red, and he soon realizes he has the ability to see in the night very well, can smell the difference between the infected(other people have been infected with some sort of power thanks to the meteors.)
As he goes through his clothes, he realizes the clothes he wore the night of the meteor shower had been infected too. Now the clothes had combined to create a new skin-like material that can regenerate itself.
Soon Dave learns of his very own motto, “It’s better to be feared within the league of gangs, criminals, and evil scientists; then to be frightened and probably killed by them.” With this new motto Dave goes out to look for his families murderer under a secret name; Nightfright.
Any advice and/or comments on this story?
Some thoughts and suggestions, Delver.
–I think the murdered family angle has been used pretty heavily before. How will you distinguish your character from other similar characters? (For example, does Deadzone have an interesting motive for killing the family?)
–”He wants vengeance for all this, and he thinks of this as meteors fall across Earth.” It might be more interesting if he does something to get superpowers rather than just passively receive them in a cosmic coincidence.
–If you’re doing a comic book, the quasi-demonic visual on the protagonist sounds more interesting than a guy in tights. (If you’re doing a novel, it probably wouldn’t matter that much).
–”It’s better to be feared within the league of gangs, criminals, and evil scientists; then to be frightened and probably killed by them.” I think this motto could be smoother and probably more original. Something like “If evil doesn’t fear you, you’re just counting down the minutes ’til you’re dead” would be smoother, I think. However, that probably wouldn’t address the originality issue. I’d like something that doesn’t sound like something like Batman or the Punisher would say.
“Nightfright”–I feel the rhyme here is probably too cute for this character.
Here is a story that I think may be kind of interesting. A father named Cosmos has five children and gifts each one with a specific power to use at a mature age(Cosmos thought the age should be 21 since that’s the legal drinking age for humans.) Cosmos believes that a new race of super aliens are being brought to life by an old friend turned bad. He knows this because his name means universal order(which explains why he has power, being the man in charge of the universe.)
Some thoughts and suggestions:
–I think it would really help to give the kids some personality. I’d recommend distinguishing them in ways besides their powers.
–The villains could probably use more development and an interesting motive. Hopefully something more interesting than revenge here.
–”Cosmos thought the age should be 21 since that’s the legal drinking age for humans.” Incidentally, this would not be the first comic to suggest that God exists and He’s an American.
PS: Picking 21 as the age of maturity because of drinking laws strikes me as, umm, quirky. Unless this Cosmos fellow is supposed to come off as quirky, I’d recommend going with a different age, maybe 18 or upon the completion of their education (U.S. students usually complete college around 22).
The age is set for 25 since that is when the mind is fully developed. Michael Spire is the protagonist of the story, and incidentally he is the youngest son that Cosmos had. Michael in the beginning of the story is confronted by an old friend of his dad’s. But Michael quickly realizes that the reason why the man came was to threaten Cosmos and his family to stay out of his business. The man is known as Dimultris Zult, and he runs a gang known as the Zult Cult. Dr. Zult controls these people using one of his powers of mind control.
Dr. Zult then kidnaps his own brother, Dr. Henry Zult, in order to make sure no one follows him. Plus he uses Henry for his latest experiment, changing one being’s molecular structure. In Henry’s case he cecomes a freakish lizard like creature. Along with growing a long 3 foot long tail. Henry grows sharp steel spikes from the top of his head that go along his spine, and end at the tip of his tail. Known as Spark, or Sparky cause he can channel electricity through his metal spikes.
Anyway, Michael is able to turn completely invisible, phase through walls and other stuff, and is able to sneak up bnd a person without even trying. Soon he becomes a gero known as Phantom Faze because phantom’s have such abilities, and faze because it means to disturb(which basically means he cause mayhem amound criminals.)
His brother, Damon Spire, is another antogonist who dispises the fact that Michael uses his powers to protect other humans rather then help him. So that is when Damon decides to use his shadow powers(able to shoot bolts of shadows, go through objects, and other darker stuff) to get revenge on his brother.
Is it bad or good sounding?
Hey guys, how are you?
B.Msc listen, csan I e-mail you something? I would enjoy your opinion on something. See, for years I’ve been creating and developing my own comic book universe. Finally I’m at the point where I want to share it with a few people and get some feedback. So if it’s ok, I’m currently working on a detailed document that dicusses the conception of and details the classes of charaters in my universe. I’d really enjoy your opinion.
I meant to Say B.Mac. Sorry.
Some thoughts and suggestions:
–The explanation for ~25 as the age when the powers take hold makes a lot more sense.
–One thing that concerns me a bit is that the personality of the protagonist doesn’t really stand out. What are some of the ways he’s different from other superhero protagonists? What are some interesting things he does? (Umm, the description above spends more time talking about what Sparky looks like than anything about what Michael does).
–Depending on your target audience, the rhyming “Zult Cult” might be too cute. Unless this is a comedy, I’d recommend rethinking the rhyme.
–What does kidnapping his brother have to do with making sure no one follows him? Also, could you tie in the kidnapping/transformation of Henry with the threat against Cosmo and his family? Are they somehow related?
–Sparky would be a really unusual name for a mutant lizard thing. In a really quirky way, I like it. It might be too cute, but I think it works better than Zult Cult. Is Sparky a protagonist or an antagonist?
–I think the conflict between Michael and his brother could be fleshed out a lot more.
“B.Mac, can I e-mail you something? I would enjoy your opinion on something.” Yeah, sure. I can be reached at superheronation at gmail dot com.
Ok cool. I’ve got to finish it. Should be another day maybe two. Is that ok?
Sure. Take as much time as you need.
Michael is different from other heroes because he cares about the little things that happen(like when a man steals a ring.) He believes that he can change the outcome, change who someone is. His father tells him before he dies, “You may have a small power, but small things can make a big difference in the universe.”
A don’t really think a man stealing a ring is all that small i mean Michael being a Hero and all Stealing Is still Stealing. Im sure any superhero would most likely catch this felon.
But listen to this maybe a good way to make your character stand out from all of the other heros would be to do a bit of plot tweaking.
( Don’t worry i change my story almost every day just ask B. Mac)
The reason I say this is because every hero has some sort of tragedy in his or hers pasts this causes them to gain powers or seek out a way for revenge. Its Really worn out, no one makes a story where the character wants to take over the city this could be for a bad reason or a good reason depending on the character. This could evolve into many sub-plots,
All in all maybe you should think more about what has been done and what hasn’t nowadays its all about being individual.
P.s. let me know if you need help with powers
Hey Cbguy did you email me anything?
B. Mac you once said that you thought revenge stories would be tough to make fresh or that they’re kinda unoriginal. But what if my character has a bit of a revenge story where he wants to kill his grandfather for using his illusion powers to trick him into killing his own sister but the story mostly revolves around him and his three best friends, a married couple who recruited him onto a superhero team after they freed him from his grandfather’s prison and there’s always that question about whether or not he’s gonna end up making the right choices and be a hero instead of a revenge seeking murderer, would that make readers care? Like I’d feel a bit interested as a reader so what do you think.
He’s also a very 3 dimensional character when it comes to his motives as a hero, he believes that criminals are degenerates that should be cleansed from society, that the punishment should fit the crime and a lot of the times his arguments about why they should be killed make sense but he’s always argueing with his best friend and teamate who also has a lot of good reasons why they shouldn’t be killed, I picked that because I always love stories that make me go home and think after I’ve seen them at the cinema or make me question my very morals, it instills a very strong interest in the readers because they sometimes believe the character’s views and answers could give them the answers they so desire or they side with one character and really want to see how he or she turns out… I think he’s 3 dimensional because his goals are rather grey, you could try to argue how wrong killing criminals is but I could come up with some good points why they should be killed, it’s not black and white in the end it’s really just perspective like how Magneto thinks Humans are inferior to Mutants but Charles believes they should co-exist.
I need some ideas for a story I am making! One of them involves a hero known as Black Falcon. This is his story:
It all started when a man named Luke Grane was like three years old, he began seeing this strange falcon following him wherever he goes. After awhile he realizes that the falcon is just looking out for him. Almost like a protector or a body guard. When he becomes twenty-four he accidentally bumps into an old school bully known as Derek Bronse. Quickly Derek recognizes Luke as the fool who kept trying to get in between him and his girlfriend. It was Luke who made the two break up(not on purpose though.)
So Luke his punched and brutally wounded by Derek, until he slumps to the floor, very much knocked out. Derek laughs and walks away from the scene but stabs Luke in the leg with a razor sharp knife.
After Luke wakes up, he can only watch as a man picks him up and puts him in an ambulance. Next Luke wakes up in a hospital room to see that his whole left leg is missing. In replace was a highly advanced robotic knee sent by a company known as Kruz Company.
And that is all I got. I want to do something with this guy where he becomes a hero of the night just like Batman, without completely copying him. Any ideas?
Actually I found out something funny, there is an actual falcon known as the Black Falcon. So I might have Luke and the falcon actually exchange a conversation. The falcon that protects Luke is known as Trebell, and it turns out that it and other black falcons live in Australia. But Trebell was the only one allowed away from his home, IF he finds a human and manages to become very much aquainted with the human.
So the two quickly become friends, but then Derek strikes once again. But this time Luke is stronger and better then before(because Trebell is with him.) Later Trebell explains that when he is around that Luke can have double his wits, strength, agility, and better durability.
Trebell says that there is a way that Luke can be strong, agile, wittier, and more durability permenenantly. Luke agrees and the two bond. They literally bond together, with Luke’s mind under the control. But Trebell sometimes speaks through Luke’s mind, and conscious.
Together they become the hero known as the Black Falcon. He fights for justice with new powers, such as: better agility, can sprout wings and fly, super strength, more wits then the average human, and much more. Especially as his powers begin to evolve. But I still need help on what he should where as a costume. And what his motivation should be for fighting crime. Any ideas?
–Why does the falcon choose him rather than, say, anybody else?
–”Derek quickly realizes Luke as the fool who kept trying to get in between him and his girlfriend. It was Luke who made the two break up (not on purpose, though)… So Derek punches and brutally wounds Derek and knocks him out. Derek laughs and… stabs Luke in the leg with a razor sharp knife.” Granted, I’ve never been in this sort of situation before. However, it seems sort of counterintuitive to me that two men would hate each other so much over a romance from college or high school when they themselves are in their mid-20s. I can only speak for myself, but I doubt I could even remember all the names of the people involved in my romantic triangles, let alone want to stab them years later. It might be more urgent and believable if the romantic incident in question were fairly recent, maybe in the past year or so. (Alternately, perhaps the romance ended a few years ago, but Derek was EXTREMELY convinced that she was The One and that they were going to be happily married and that the only reason it didn’t work was because Luke somehow got in the way).
–”Derek can only watch as a man [saves him]“–This sort of relegates him to a secondary role. It might help to give him a more active role in doing something to ensure that he survives? For example, perhaps Derek does something trying to kill him, but he uses one of his strengths to survive somehow? (For example, if one of the unusual things about the character is that he keeps a clear head in a crisis, maybe he saves his own life by doing some first aid on his leg before the ambulance can alive. He passes out after doing a tourniquette but saves his life).
Trebell actually didn’t intend to watch over Luke, he was just searching the globe when he sees a 3 year old boy. His first thought was to ignore the kid, but the 3 year old could actually the falcon was watching. The two kept staring at each other and that is when Trebell believed that this human could be a great human to use in the future.
And Derek is a kind sadistic gangster who for some reason likes torturing people in the most brutalists of ways. But he especially hates Luke for not only the high school girl thing, but because every time Derek sees Luke, he’s always high spirited. Derek believes that Luke doesn’t give a care about anything that happens to anyone, as long as good things happen to him. And Derek believes that there is no point in letting this kind of behavior just slip by. That is why he punished Luke the way he did. Plus he thinks he needs to prove he’s worthy of being a gangster. Make sense at all?
Part of it is also that his boss known as John Kruz(the owner of the company known as the Kruz Company) orders Derek to take down Luke. But he tells Derek not to kill Luke just yet, only mortally wound him. He puts the target on Luke’s head because Luke is a survivor from the night his parents were killed. And John kills the parents in order to make sure the cops know to stay out of his business. Luke’s patrents both worked as cops, and they have tried arresting John before. And that is why.
Well, im trying to develope a charcter right now and having a bit of trouble. One origin I have for him is that he was born of a nomadic clan in the forest, but was abandoned because of a curse placed on him. this curse gives him animal-like abilities(sort of a were-wolf thing) would this be a good origin or would this fall into the second flaw?
Well, a curse is a curse because it’s bad; so if the curse gives him animallike abilities, this curse also has to be a weakness/fault of his that he has to overcome, too. If it just gives him awesome powers, it’s probably not a curse, and then it would fall into the second flaw. But if he has to overcome animallike instincts while still using his powers, it gives him a real challenge and it’s definitely workable in my opinion.
ok then, well the other part of the story is that the curse was placed on the baby by a necromancer so the clan would give a human for payment for helping them live in the forest during the winter. He made him this way to use as sort of a guard animal that would attack anyone who approched his neck of the woods. the animal man is evetually captured by a magician and a hunter and taken back to civilization.
oh, and thanks, im apperciating the hlp.
“If it just gives him awesome powers, it’s probably not a curse, and then it would fall into the second flaw. But if he has to overcome animallike instincts while still using his powers, it gives him a real challenge and it’s definitely workable in my opinion.” I agree with Myna’s assessment here.
I have an idea Rog. What if instead of your character only feeling these animal instincts when his powers are active he feels them all the time every second of every day. This way the character would feel like he/she can’t be close to anyone in fear of harming them.This could also make for exciting scenarios because the character would have to always watch his/her anger.EVne for small things things.
thanks, this is really helping me. I also came up with a pretty different character as well that I would like help with. he’s the sorcerer who buys him from the hunter as physical protection. the sorcerer was the son of a merchant, and one day he comes across a famed magician, who was looking for any potentian apprentices for the Order to the Right (the south).as a young boy, he had heard of all the greats of being a magician from his uncle and had become interested. however, he fails on making an impression, and the magician leaves with another for an apprentice. He then sets off for the south to find and confront the Order on this. after various tip offs and a long traveling distance, he eventually passes the trials set to keep outsiders out and enters the Order. unfortunally, most who discover him suggests execution for tresspassing, but the famed magician from earlier, impressed by his feats he had reach, gives him a chance to prove his worthiness. he does so and bocomes a magician over time
@Jacob:
No. Just no. We have WAY too many of these audience avatar kids in comics and cartoons. It’s not just a cliche, it’s a bad idea.
Putting kid characters front and center because kids are supposed to relate seems to have gone overboard around the early 90s — almost a backlash to the handful of more mature cartoons and comics that came along in the late 80s. Two decades later we’re at the point that you can’t find anything aimed at kids that isn’t about kids. It seems even worse in Japan…
Believe it or not, kids who grew up in earlier eras never had a problem relating to adult and young adult characters. In fact, we were usually looking forward rather than dwelling on where we were — preteens reading Archie and Teen Titans (because teens can go on dates and drive cars), teens reading about soldiers and adventurers traveling the world (because teens have curfews and can’t get away from their family), and so on. Unfortunately, when turning our heroes into kids, we still include these wish fulfillment aspects, but in a more unrealistic way — and that leads inadvertently to a questionable political statement about youth empowerment and subversion of adult/parental authority.
“Two decades later we’re at the point that you can’t find anything aimed at kids that isn’t about kids.” For example, looking at just Cartoon Network, there’s…
–Batman
–Scooby Doo (all of the protagonists but Scrappy are old enough to have graduated)
–GI Joe movies
–Battle Force 5
–Justice League/JLU (until it ended its run a few years ago)
–Looney Tunes (well, adult animals)
–Thundercats (likewise)
–Garfield (likewise)
I feel like that’s a pretty good assortment of works aimed mainly at children that have mainly adult casts? Nevertheless, it seems pretty intuitive to me that most of the works aimed at children have child and/or teen protagonists. How many works for adults have child leads? Ender’s Game is virtually the only notable example I can think of. I’d attribute that mainly to adults having trouble relating to the perspective of a child. Now, if adults mostly can’t (or don’t want to) relate to a child’s perspective, even though they were once children themselves, I would imagine it’d generally be harder for children because they haven’t been adults themselves.
There may or may not be undesirable repercussions to kids seeing kids doing things on their own, but I suspect that that a child protagonist acting independently in a mostly responsible way is a better role model than an adult protagonist acting irresponsibly. I’d be way more concerned about what my kid was taking away from something like Grand Theft Auto than Robin occasionally chafing against Batman. I’d care a lot more about the way the characters were behaving than their age.
Batman’s not aimed at kids, it’s enduring from an earlier era (as one of the properties that tried to market cartoons to an older audience in the first place), and it’s dead.
Scooby Doo — also from an earlier era, but lately seeming to aim for an older audience (the movies were full of raunch, fi).
GI Joe — current version are younger than the original, and almost always seem independent of older authority.
Battle Force 5 — if they aren’t teens, they sure look it. Ditto the new Voltron.
Justice League — not displaced by Young Justice yet?
Loony Toons — have been shortened in stature and given bigger heads; behaving as children in an abstracted adult world.
Thundercats — new series features teen lead.
Garfield — have you seen the new toons? He’s not especially anthropomorphic, though…
Adults (particularly older adults) actually do gravitate to kiddy fare, even if it isn’t consciously aimed at them (while the kids are itching to get at Counter Strike, their folks are happy to fire up some colourful cutesy thing on the Wii). If you aren’t a parent yet, maybe you remember your parents or grandparents foisting kiddy material on you and being a little perplexed that you didn’t find it as charming as they did?
As I pointed out before, I’ve a pretty good memory of growing up before this trend really took off. Then as now kids wanted the material that seemed “more mature,” and luckily we had a few cool things in that regard that were actually aimed at us. And kids are no different now — it’s kind of a problem because the things they are attracted to are not necessarily intended for them. We only stop looking forward like that when the forward perspective turns downhill…
With your counter examples you’re off in diversionary territory. Did I suggest writing adult protagonists acting irresponsibly? No. Can you not write adults behaving responsibly? And while I do not actually believe GTA and similar cause real world delinquency (I actually suspect the opposite, based on the trends in adolescent violent crime relative to increasing graphic violence and realism in games, but that’s a whole other topic), I didn’t suggest that as the alternative either.
As for Robin and Batman’s supposed homoerotic subtext, well… if kids even see that it’s due to corruption from other source, don’t you think? It’s not canon. Even so, Batman is not an option for you unless you’re doing work for hire at DC. I suppose you could do a Gun Fury sort of parody, but that’s all on you if you can’t think of anything better.
Hey Long Time No Post, I need a way to make most of the population in a city gain powers.
Any ideas?
Magically or scientifically based powers?
If its a chemical that causes a mutation, dump in into the water supply. If it’s an energy pulse, try radio waves.
- Wings
Some scientific options include a massive radiation leak, a contagious disease, a chemical disaster resulting in a Bhopal-style gas cloud, water contamination, possible a hurricane causing a chemical explosion (and the wind storms spreading the chemicals all around the area), a freakish kind of acid rain, etc.
Thanks guys very nice.
ok…i have an idea for a story. A secret terrorist group known as the VAMPIRE’s (Vastly Advanced Motorvehicle Production and Intervention of Revolution and Espionage) are planning to kill humans who refuse to take part in their resistance against the world. Their leader, David Calvin believes that the world is already corrupted by the governments control that a bit of chaos would prove to be nothing but a small problem. So they begin to kill off the government in order to stop the world from being controlled by “wrong” people. David believes that he is the “right” person to rule the planet and control it.
That’s when a group of people who call themselves the National Antiterrorist Group or NAG begin to assault the VAMPIRE’s. One soldier from NAG is taken into David Calvin’s group. He is twenty-two years old but has a spirit that is hard to break, and that is what David plans to do. Forcing the soldier, named Derek Ryler, to do manual labor and forced to become a guinea pig for science experiments.
I’m afraid I don’t exactly understand what you want out of your story. I can’t tell the difference between what you want as the main plot and what you want as side plots. Could you elaborate for me specifically on what I said?
–Is “vampire” something you want us to associate with this group? Does it have vampiric characteristics? (For example, James Bond has SPECTRE, which is stealthy and hard to kill). Alternately, if they’re just a purely destructive force, could I recommend something like FIRE (Front for International Revolutionary Efforts)?
–The words in the acronym feel sort of awkward to me. Vastly Advanced Motorvehicle Production and Intervention of Revolution and Espionage. For one thing, I think Intervention of Revolution and Espionage could probably be smoother as Instigating Revolutionary Efforts because “intervention of revolution” sounds like a weird use of the word “intervention.” I wouldn’t recommend forcing the acronym there.
–Are vehicles really so important to this group that ~half of its acronym should be about its vehicles? If so, why call it VAMPIRE rather than, say, something more specific to vehicles or factories?
–One of the main distinguishing traits of the villain’s organization appears to be super-
motorcyclesmotorvehicles [UPDATE: Good catch, JM]. How old are the readers you’re looking at?–Why does David care about breaking the spirit of the captured soldier rather than just, say, killing him? Is there something special about this soldier? If so, what? (For example, maybe he knows some information that most other soldiers would not or the terrorists are keeping him alive because they plan on using him for something).
–I like NAG better than VAMPIRE–it’s short* and the words don’t feel very forced–but I think the connotations of “nag” are not very heroic. What impression are you going for? What would you think about something like GATE (Guarding Against Terrorist Efforts or whatever)? GATE has a defensive connotation which I think might be fitting for this group.
*When I use acronyms, which is not often, I try to keep it to 3-4 words. If the acronym is longer than 3-4 letters, I’m okay with leaving some of the letters without corresponding words.
Yeah I don’t really like the VAMPIRE acronym either – I agree with Brian that it feels forced. Likewise, I’m not a big fan of NAG, but it’s several steps ahead of VAMPIRE.
Also Brian, it’s just motorvehicle not necessary motorcycle, if I understood correctly, though the same point could still be made (read as: me making that same point with motorvehicles rather than just motorcycles)
In all just take Brian’s suggestions with a little more weight since I also found myself thinking the same things he said.
“Also Brian, it’s motorvehicles, not necessarily motorcycles.”–ah, thanks. I misread that.
No worries
I reread the acronym multiple times trying to fully comprehend it (mainly the second part) so it was ingrained in my head and I just instantly noticed it when reading your post.
Hi guys. I’ve got a bit of a concern. Nothing too serious. So I recently came up with an idea for a superhero group story (3 members, maybe 4). The idea is that there is a company that launches the first manned mission into a black hole. This is a comic book universe, so I figure I’d go for something big you know? Anyway something happenes while they’re in the blackhole and they come back to Earth with superpowers.
My question is this, how can I differeniate my concept from that of the Fantastic Four? Is my concept too similar to the of the FF? Or should I look into creating a new idea? I’d appreciate as many opinions as I can get. Thanks guys.
“This is a comic book universe, so I figure I’d go for something big you know? Anyway something happenes while they’re in the blackhole and they come back to Earth with superpowers.” One possibility is that the black hole gives them superpowers in a way substantially different than passively receiving cosmic radiation. For example, maybe they meet someone/something and that encounter somehow leads to superpowers.
Since the origin story does sound a bit uncomfortably similar to the Fantastic Four so far, I’d recommend taking a radically different tack on the character’s personalities. You might want to play with their backgrounds, too. The Fantastic Four were astronauts/test-pilots and scientists.
…
Alternately, maybe the villain ties in differently. Perhaps the company starts by launching one vessel (with the villain aboard?) and that mission goes awry. The company gets a SOS call but communications are very spotty. Because scrubbing the mission while somebody is still alive in there would be a PR nightmare (and might even get them jail-time if they had ANY way to save the stranded crew) the company takes a backup test shuttle and hastily gets together an emergency substitute crew. Under these desperate circumstances, maybe it’s plausible that they’d bring somebody along like a mechanic or some other sort of non-astronaut specialist because they need to deal with whatever the problem was that disabled the first vessel.
Well, anyway, they go after the astronaut but perhaps they don’t ever find him. He’s left behind and I can imagine that he’d be really bitter about that later on. (Let’s assume he survives and later makes it back to Earth somehow–maybe he meets up with a sentient race in the black hole that helps him repair his ship). The villain-to-be would probably be bitter that the replacement crew gets all the praise afterwards (for making contact with aliens or making some other major discovery), but it was HE (and perhaps his dead crewmates) that actually did the work (or so he thinks?). He might be angry at the company for sending him into space even though it didn’t fully understand the risks involved. He might want to strike back at the company as revenge/justice for his fallen crewmates.
Awesome! I can definitely work with that. In fact I was already considering the fact that they encounter something sentient. But I didn’t consider the angle with the villain. That was a very interesting and nice touch. I’ve still got a lot to consider, but this will help out. As always, thanks a lot B.Mac.
By the B.Mac if you didn’t already figure it out, the ‘blackhole discovery’ mentioned in my script was the above idea. I decided to use that script as a lead-in to another story in my universe. You know, just to show that it’s all connected.
Hey i question which you guys might think is a little weird. But want my heroes origin to be connected to 9/11. See the world I want to create is an alternate world where an alien race known as the “adams” are the once responsible for 9/11. Now my questions is , is it offensive or disrespectful tot those who lost there lives that day or there families for me to use this in my story??
“Now my question is whether it would be offensive or disrespectful to those that lost their lives that day or their families for me to use this in my story?” Umm, understandably, it’s an extremely delicate issue. I do not believe it would be well-received to fictionalize the events of 9/11 in this manner.
If I could offer a tragedy that might be less sensitive, could I suggest the Challenger explosion? First, I think it’d be pretty easy to come up with a reason aliens might want to sabotage a space program. Destroying a building in downtown Manhattan, not so much. Second, since the Challenger explosion happened 25 years ago and was an accident rather than murder, I suspect that the emotional response will be less visceral.
Thanks alot, yea the story is still early in develepmont so the alternative you gave I could easily make work. Thanks again I’ll continue to work on this.
Hey People!!!!!
I’ve been on this site loads of times I mean Loads!!!!
I’ve been thinking of writing a novel about dreams. Not just any type of dreams.Lucid Dreams. Firstly Lucid Dreaming is being in a dream and knowing you are dreaming this allows you to freely explore the DreamWorld.Its a concept that I’ve been extremely in to. Me and my friend always have dreams and are really excited to tell each other about them. When we dream about fictional dreams, playing with Mario, fighting with Batman, we call them fantasy dreams. But recently I’ve been having what seems to be a continuing dream.
Its a a dream that seems to pick up where I left off. While walking with my friend I told him about it and he said man you should really make that a novel. Thats when my gears started to turn. This seems to be a really great idea to me, seeing as I’ll always be able to dream about something new AND come up with things on my own.
I won’t make the things that happen seem too far fetched in fact at first most things will happen when the characters in my story dream. Later on I plan on making certain things in the dreamworld affect what happens in the real world. Please tell me what you guys think. I WILL write at least a couple of pages to begin with.
ZombieLord Signing off>>>
Is it ok that my Gauntlet character is not a hero yet because he has fallen into darkness and he is trying to find his way back into the light, only then can be the hero.
How could I use that to grab the reader’s attention?
“he has fallen into darkness and he is trying to find his way back into the light…” Could you elaborate on that? Depending on the details/execution, I feel like it could be effective, but I don’t have enough details to have an opinion on whether it sounds promising.
So I have a reworked overview of a story Ive been working on. I’ve posted about it here before but I’d like to know what you guys think.
The story revolves around two teens and there each individual mentors. Max a teen just finished high school with no direction in life. And the second is Zane Maxs age who has been training to develop his “powers” since the age of 8.
Maxs side of the story begins with him and his friends at a graduation party thrown in the nearby woods. During the part a red meteor like stone crashes nearby. Max and friends check it out only to find some kind of strange sword in a stone(is that cliche). As the teens get close a monstrous demon jumps at them. The teens run back into the party and the demon follows. As all party goers flee for there life Max hears a voice calling to him to get to the weapon. He makes sure his girlfriend gets to safety and he along with his best friend Jace run back into the woods.
Back next to the meteor he sees Zane using “shadow like” abilities to fight off the demon killing it.
Zane tells Max to back away from the meteor. He approaches it but Maxs hears the voice once more telling him that its his turn to wield the weapon as his father intended. Max tackles Zane and quickly turns and pulls the sword out which in turn transforms into red energy entereing Maxs body. Maxs hair turns red and spikes and eyes too. He also gets a few sharper teeth. Xander comes outta the shadows calling Zane “it’s time to go.”
Xander and Zane gone Tyro a small silver cat comes out of the woods and with Jace they wake Max up.
Max awakes in a small house in the woods startles by his new appearance and by a talking cat. Tyro explains to Max that the sword he has been inpowered with is called the “Lexicon” a weapon created by the “Guardians of the Worlds” centuries ago. Tho the weapon was always kept in the demon world Max is the first person chosen from the human world. He also tells Max that his father a demon warrior names Fierro was the last wielder of the weapon until he was killed right before Max was born. A spell was put on Max at birth to keep him looking human and not experiencing his power. But the Lexicon has broke the spell causing him to look like a demon.
Tyro who seems to care for Max tells him that Zane and Xander are no problem but it’s the “others” who will come for the sword that he must prepare for. Max finally realizing what to do in life decides that he will learn to wield the sword and control his power as this is just the beggening. At the end Zane would be shown with Xander talking about how they must kill the boy to bring peace back.
So that would be the basic overview of the first chapter of my comic/anime. I don’t get into detail but the relationship between Max and his girls friend Adriene will also be explores as they are at a point in life where they don’t know if they could stay together. And later on Zane would begin to get close to her. Also Beth Maxs friend who wants to be with him but he doesn’t realize. Throughout the overall story I want to show this characters develop and show how Max finding the Lexicon and Zane coming to spring city really changes this characters. Please let me know what you guys think.
Hey everybody! It me your average explosively creative bundle of imagination here asking for help. I have this character that I’m creating this character that has the ability to manipulate light and electricity. I’ve done some research on these powers and the seem to be an extremely powerful combination a little too powerful. So of course I began thinking of a couple restraints/balances but can’t seem to come up with anything or anything explaining how he got those powers to begin with. BTW I want to stay away from biosuit(s) as an origin of his powers( I’ve done it in another one of my storylines do’nt want to use it again).
I was thinking that his power(s) woud be more or less combat related or infused though but I’m not to sure about that. Please help!
Well if he has light manipulation, then he needs light available to manipulate, so maybe his powers don’t work in the dark, or if they do work in the dark, he could be like a flashlight and needs light to recharge after using those powers in the dark for extended periods of time…
As for electrical capabilities, if it’s raining or if it’s too humid outside, he may not want to use his electricity lest he get electrocuted..Maybe you can limit his source of energy, sort of like the video gaime INFAMOUS, in that using his electrical abilities drains him and requires him to charge up by draining electricity from a nearby energy source, such as a car, lightpost, circuit breaker, etc.
What do you think?
I like it. It’s a really good commonly use balance his powers and can be used as plot devices to add suspense or put my character a situation where he must improvise.
Now I’ve got to come up with some awesome villains powered and powerless. Back to the drawing board. Ughh..but Whooray!
Any suggestions, you guys on this site are absolutely talented.
Hmmmm…he could be like a “flashlight” ehh? The Flashlight, that actually sound like a cool name for this character.
Bistanders: It’s a firefly,..no it’s a lightbulb.. no! It’s the Flashlight!!!!
Thanks Indigo
No problem John, glad to help
Um Hey, I dnt Know How Active this site is but I really hope it’s pretty active.
Firstly, I have a question. If my story is about Dreams and the people in the dreams have powers can I still post it here. I mean Its Not Really superhero.
Hey Dreamkid,
Im Pretty Sure You Can, My story Isn’t about A Superhero. Anyways I’d be glad to hear about your story.
Sure, go for it. That said, take my advice with a grain of salt because I found Sandman highly disappointing and am probably not in your target audience.
I don’t know if it makes sense yet so I’ll work out some kinks.
Ok so I’ve got th eplot and what not, do I post it here? Or is there some place else?
Here’s fine.
hello,
i hoping if you could help with some kinks in making comic.
well, i guess i’ll start with the origin ok
. one day the sky was had 8 shooting stars fliing by. no one knew that they weren’t shooting stars, but really spirit balls. the spirit hit the city, causing a the city to be destoyed. alot of people died but a few lived. however, 8 of those people live because the the spirit balls went into them. 7 of them took over the person they hit but the 8th one didn’t. instead, that one let it host stay normal. the host was Cindy Stone, an 8 year old living in Siville
any input on that
–How well will your target audience respond to the protagonist being an eight year old girl? Usually, the audience most receptive to superhero comics is guys ~18-30. I can only speak for myself and don’t have a good idea of how you’ll develop the characters yet, but personally my preconception is that I’m about as interested in 8 year olds as they are interested in the Crimean War. I’d recommend reading Ender’s Game and Calvin & Hobbes, two really great examples of stories that make very young characters highly interesting to older audiences.
–I would recommend proofreading very carefully.
–So, there are 7 villains? It might be hard to develop that many. How long do you anticipate this comic being?
–It sounds like the most promising thing here could be the relationship between the benign spirit and Cindy. I’d recommend giving that spirit a personality and an interesting voice because it sounds like it will be significantly more important to the success of the story than, say, the typical mentor. The main character is very young, so I’m guessing she will take more mentoring than the average protagonist would.
–Destroying the city could really affect the mood. Unless you’re going for a dystopian feel, it might be worth keeping the destruction to a less-than-catastrophic level, like a few thousand deaths).
Oh that was origin on how she got her power ice/snow, the main story happens when she is 16, although I do like story of younger heroes, but I believe it’s best to keep a teenage range.
Cindy doesn’t really change much physically beside a having an unnatural Mohawk that is like the spirit’s mane, but mentally she is different. With the lost of her family, she mostly keeps her self close off. There are a few who she lets in like her two best friends and her adopted brother.
The other 7-> well there is one bad guy with 2 helpers, leaving the other 4 to be seen, like they on the back burner for now. Have any ideas for them.
Siville is being rebuilt. The people that did survive the star day (nickname day) are giving nick names, shooters, fallers, and star people. Most people pity them which Cindy hates when they found out about her past. She can’t stand being pity.
Now the spirit that in her, well I was thinking of it being in a sleep like stage but now that you said that, I think I’ll make it a mentor/student relationship.
Her powers aren’t that strong. She can make snow and freeze things but with training, her powers would grow.
She isn’t a typical hero. Her BBF Rocky kind of pushes her into it. Yeah she has a lovely friend, anyways, with her friend help she takes on the normal criminals ( like in real life) and some strange ones as well.
3 kids are constantly pulled into an alternate. World where they must protect a pillar that keeps hordes of monsters out of their world. A council of higher. Beings are in charge of keeping the real world and Mundus Novus ( What I named the alternate world ) separate . There are 5 pillars total
Each Pillar Is Protected by a trio. There were 6 pillars but one was destroyed,The council decided that two watchmen were not enough. This is how I want my main character to be chosen. How? I don’t know exactly . Maybe you guys could help me out with this.
I also plan on making it where the creator of Mundus Novus is actualy a former member of the council of higher beings. His name will Be Argis.
Dors that sound good? I can post a prologue
So…….
I have an idea for a superhero origin, and I would like to know what people think. So there is this normal person who lives in LA and an evil villain nukes LA with a special toxin, but the main character has a special blood type or an immunity for some reason I would think of later. He gets the power to turn invisible and telekinesis, and so he stops the villan from bombing the rest of the world.
“I have an idea for a superhero origin, and I would like to know what people think. So there is this normal person who lives in LA and an evil villain nukes LA with a special toxin, but the main character has a special blood type or an immunity for some reason I would think of later.” One thing that might help develop the character a bit more is if he survives the disaster because of something he is accountable for, rather than a blood type or immunity beyond his control. Some possibilities that come to mind:
–For whatever reason, he’s been exposed to many diseases before. Maybe he’s worked in a medical clinic, with young children and/or on an aid trip to some really poor country. When the villain tries using a biochemical attack, he has much better resistance to the viral agent. (Alternately, it could be a waterborne biological attack). He reacts to the virus in strange ways, like developing superpowers or whatever.
–He’s a mostly normal person but has been paranoid about catastrophic scenarios ever since some event in his backstory. (Maybe he got caught in the wilderness for a few days when his car broke down and he didn’t have a phone with him). So, when he gets hit with the toxin, he has some supplies on him that are surprisingly effective at keeping him alive. (For example, potassium iodine would be useful if the attack is somehow radioactive).
–He made some unusual choice that ended up working out really well for him. For example, maybe he did something (maybe went in to check on a neighborhood) after getting briefly exposed and somehow got himself trapped in a basement or somewhere else that was well-protected against further exposure.
“3 kids are constantly pulled into an alternate. World where they must protect a pillar that keeps hordes of monsters out of their world. A council of higher. Beings are in charge of keeping the real world and Mundus Novus ( What I named the alternate world ) separate . There are 5 pillars total…”
Personally, Dreamkid, I’m not a fan of the concept of pulling a character from the real world into some alternate world. I don’t think I’d be the best person to ask there. I would also recommend proofreading more aggressively.
Ok Dreamkid personally I think I’d have to read a section before saying whether or not it’s ok to write. Maybe write a preview from when they are first pulled into this Mundus Novus
Real quick question B.Mac, how do I get a ‘reiew forum’? I don’t have anything like a story or even a preview type story. But I have an conceptual idea for a total redesign of the DC comic universe and would like to know what people of work I’ve done on the members of the Justice League. That’s all I’ve got so far, just details on what I plan to do with these characters. So what do I have to do to get a ‘review forum’?
And Marquis, did you read my last message? You mentiond something about being interested in seeing work from me and I asked where that interest came from? I’m just curious because I don’t have any work on the site yet.
It came from awhile ago something about kids that learn spells and what not I thought it sounded good so i was wondering if you had made that your official story.
maybe you can use that for your review forum.
Ok so my friend Neal and I writing a story for fun.its about what happens after the rapture. What happens to everyone and everything that didn’t accept Jesus into their hearts. Humans,Vampires,Werewolves,and Witches all struggle to survive the Tribulation . But what happens after? Will God accept them or will they still be condemed? What do you guys think?
Well Marquis, I am still working with that idea per say. That will be featured in the story I have developed but it will not be the focus. As for making that my review forum, I must be honest. I don’t really feel comfortable posting my personal projects up on a website. I don’t know exactly why and it has nothing to do with any of the great people I’ve talked to here. But I just don’t want my ideas stolen. This is why I’m trying to find out how to get something legally copyrighted. If this offends you or anyone else in any way, I apologize. But I’ve spent years working on these ideas, you know?
So, any idea where I can post my redesigns of the Justice League. I’d like to know what you and others think.
Maybe B.mac can give you a review forum? As for your story would you feel comfortable emailing me previews chapters and what not I don’t know how to convince you that I don’t steal story concepts other than saying I don’t steal story concepts Lol. I wanna make a new email address my other one is junk. It’s filled with mmo registration codes spam and Facebook messages.
Ok cool, send me you new e-mail and i’ll you send you some stuff. My e-mail is comicbookguy117@yahoo.com. I’d like to get the opinion of someone who’s not my brother. Lol.
So B.Mac, where can I post my information on my version of the Justice League?
Ok my new email is thatkid4440@yahoo.com
@Neal and Hobbes. An interesting idea. Another angle on the tribulation thing would be all the lawlessness and rioting that will be going on in a ‘Post Rapture’ world. You could have a crime fighting character which your protagonist meets, and could spark off some interesting discussion on how the situation should be handled: do they try to ‘rebuild’ the world (the crime fighters view) or prepare for judgement(protagonists view)?
I am currently doing a computer games course with RMIT, and my next assignment will be to write a synopsis in film format and the same story in game format. I was thinking of doing a superhero movie/game and was wondering if anyone had any input into origins. It’s all a bit hazy at the moment, but I know for sure that it will be set in 50′s Chicago, and various super powered humans will be involved in the war on crime. There won’t be costumes and secret identities and all that rot. Simply crime vs. cops with some super powers on each side. The superpowers won’t be the focus, but I do need logical explanations for superpower origins, with one key plot point that has to be involved: the super powered humans have had their powers their whole lives.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
What sort of side effects might a character who is losing his soul suffer from??
I’ve set it up here, Comicbookguy.
Anonymous I think you could make it where he loses function of his arms or legs or maybe even fainting if he over exerts himself.
Definitely fainting. Hmmm I was thinking something like as he loses more and more pieces of his soul, he begins to lose his emotions and become more distanced from his teammates
That sounds good too. Just don’t make him to far gone or he want be able to accomplish his goal. Maybe there should be steps first he loses control of a body part for a small period of time then he faints then his emotions begin to go berserk
Ok Neal and I are gonna post a prologue soon hopefully before the end of the day.Knowing Neal he’ll probably go overboard and already have like 5 chapters or something
Hey everyone I would really like input so please let me know what you think about this idea I have. Ok first I’ve re-written this story quite a few times and this is just the current incarnation of this story.
Max is a young 18 year old half human- half demon. When he was 15 his mother was attacked and killed by a demon named Roark the brother of Maxs demon father Fierro. Max was barely saved by another demon warrior named Tyro. Tyro an old friend of Fierro takes Max as his apprentice. Together Tyro and Max defeat Roark along with a few other demons Max being considered a hero. But Max decides that he wants a life away from this so decides to move in with his aunt Jenn.
Now the story begins with Max working a “shitty” job at a local grocery store. He goes with his you g cousin,Josh, on a field trip to a local museum to see the unveiling of an artifact. During the presentation Max recognizes the emblem on the artifact. As questions begin two demon warriors attempt to steal it.
As everyone runs Max gets backs into action and tries to stop the duo. 2 Blight Knights Xander and his apprentice Zane were already there and Max gets in there way accidently releasing and dark “essence” in the artifact . Zane kills the two demons. The crest on the artifact then transforms into a sword and infuses itself with Max. Xander and Zane get angry at Max as they tell him about the artifactt. It was a Dem-Cage. Created to hold the essence or “soul” of a demon and trap in. The crest on it was a seal of the Lexicon a powerful sword once used by Maxs father Fierro. Now with the essence released it will infect up to 20 people each given a dark “gift”.
Xander and Zane contact the main Leaders of the Knights and are told to retrieve the souls at all cost. Max feeling guilty decides he wants to help as well but the Leaders don’t allow it. Tyro Maxs former mentor is sent to the city to make sure Max does not interfere with Xander and Zane. Max decides to do so anyways beggening the adventure!!
So what’d you guys think for a chapter 1? I want it to be a comic book. If it continues it will deal with the relationship between Max and his friends and his rivalry with Zane. Zane will also begin to fall for a local girl names Adrienne who just do happens to be Maxs girlfriend. Also new villains and ally’s will be introduced. Including Josh gaining powers after learning that he is the reincarnated Thuner-Titan. Tyro will also learn if his son he never knew he had who now leads a team of heroes. And also Xander will be revealed to be working with the enemy crushing Zane who always looked up at him as a father. Zane’s dark backstory will also be explores. So please I want all your input. Thanks!
–I think it might help to proofread more aggressively, especially when you’re ready to submit to a publisher. In particular, I think comma placement would help me follow what’s going on.
–I think the plot summary may be easier to follow if the characters are introduced more gradually. By my count, we have five characters named or introduced in the first three sentences. (Nine in the first two paragraphs).
–“Max is a young 18 year old half human-half demon.” I think this could be shortened, maybe to something like “Max is an 18 year old half-demon.” If you give us his age, I don’t think you need to tell us he’s young. Also, if you say he’s a half-demon, I think we can infer that he’s half human without being told (what else could the other half be?).
–“Max [is] considered a hero. But Max decides that he wants a life away from this, so he decides to move in with his aunt Jenn.” When there’s an unusual decision like this, I’d recommend going a bit into the character’s rationale. It can help develop the character(s).
–It feels contrived to me that the girl that Zane just happens to fall for is Max’s girlfriend. (A contrivance is when the plot hinges on a huge coincidence outside of the premise/inciting event). It might help if there’s some reason that they just happen to fall for the same girl? (One possibility that comes to mind: Zane goes after her because she’s Max’s girlfriend).
Good points. The reason Max decides to leave is because if he learns the reasons his mother left which was to give her son Max a normal life.
As for Zane going after Adriene your right it makes better sense if he does it to hurt Max. But the storyline with Zane and Adriene is important to his character. Zane who starts off as a “dick” begins to have real feelings for Adriene. She also begins to fall for him. It affects Zane in a big way and he begins to change for the better. Especially after Xander betrays Zane. Adriene is the only person he has left. Of course Tyro will step in as a father figure to Zane, but it’s not the same. This will be time when Zane begins to learn of his heritage learning that he is one of 7 spawns of a dark demon lorn known as Zhada.