May 29 2008
How to Write Origin Stories
Here are a few tips to help you write better origin stories for characters in superhero novels and comic books.
1. Give us a reason to care. This does not mean that your character has to be similar to your readers. However, if your character is a prince from Atlantis or an alien emissary, you do have to convince us that we should care about his story. Readers tend to prefer stories that feel relatable. Although you can probably convince readers to look at a book about Atlantis’ court intrigue, it’s more of a struggle than selling a story about Peter Parker, the guy next door.
One way that you could help readers care about a highly exotic character is by giving him a few distinctly human characteristics. For example, even a savage alien warrior might have an affection for his family that seems positively human. For example, I have a picture for you…
This alligator’s smiling hatchling makes him looks very friendly. You might even forget that he’s a 750-pound predator! Does your character have a highly unusual origin story? In what ways will we relate to him?
Finally, it may help to show the character interacting with a familiar human culture. That will help us compare and contrast the foreign culture to our own and we will probably empathize with an alien struggling to fit in. For example, would an alien know how to use a doorknob? A doorknob’s function is not at all intuitive. I think readers would sympathize with anyone who struggled with something like that.
2. Don’t make your hero a Chosen One– give him a chance to prove himself. Characters generally make their strongest impressions on us as they fight through adversity. But if your character was born into a highly powerful caste or inherits some great power, that robs readers of the chance to see him prove himself. How has your character earned his story? For example, the Green Lanterns recruit someone only after they have proven themselves worthy. Likewise, the Amazons choose Diana to be Wonderwoman not because Diana was born a princess, but because she snuck into the Amazonian trials and won the competition. She became Wonderwoman despite her high birth, not because of it.
If you would like a character who has an unusual birth story, I would recommend making him the victim of chance. Instead of being born a prince, make him born into a low caste. Instead of making him an object of unbridled admiration, like Eragon, make him someone who has to overcome widespread doubt and/or contempt.
3. It may be useful to tie your character’s origin story to the villain’s plot. Ideally, your hero will have some link to the villain. At the most cliché level, the villain killed the hero’s family or received his superpowers in the same accident. (Fortunately, you can create more original links in your story).
Spiderman has an origin story that builds a tight plot. Spiderman gets his superpowers through a scientific accident, like his archrival Norman Osborn. The two also share a personal connection through Osborn’s son and, more importantly, they are moral foils. Peter Parker’s morals center on several ideas: “with great power comes great responsibility” and that revenge is rarely satisfying– his attempt to get back at a wrestling boss gets his uncle killed. In contrast, Osborn believes that power and entitlement come hand in hand, which is why he kills his business competitors. Finally, there’s a strong white-collar vs. blue-collar aspect to the fight, which is especially compelling because the series doesn’t romanticize poverty too much.
One example where the origin story leads to a random, jumbled story is Static Shock. Although he receives his powers in the same accident as his villains, he doesn’t share any other links with them (personal, ethical or otherwise).
4. Don’t make the character’s background too exceptional. For example, instead of being just a soldier, your character is a Navy SEAL. Instead of being just a government functionary, he’s a cabinet secretary! Instead of being a corporate flunkie, he owns the company… he won a Pulitzer… he’s won several Nobel Prizes, etc.
It’s much harder to write a gripping story about Bruce Wayne (the company’s owner) than Peter Parker (an entry-level nobody). No one’s going to get in Bruce’s face like a supervisor would. Additionally, someone who has truly mastered his sphere, like a Navy SEAL or Nobel-winning chemist, will probably be completely self-confident. Real people sometimes doubt themselves, so they can relate to self-doubting heroes. (However, for a mainstream story, pushing the self-doubt too hard will drive the story into emo wangst territory).
However, you might want to have a character with a relatively impressive background. I respect that. For example, when we were writing Superhero Nation, we wanted a government character who was reasonably high-rank but not so high that he’d be an agency head that doesn’t get fired even after punching his associates. Instead of making Agent Orange the head of the Office of Special Investigations, we made him the branch of its Human Resources branch. And his boss hates him, of course.
Alternatively, you might want to use a character who has an impressive but low-ranking background. For example, a Wall Street stock-broker or Army sergeant are not especially high in their respective organizations but either would have many useful skills.
5. Give us a chance of a happy ending. If the character’s origin story hinges on an overwhelming tragedy, what’s he fighting for? No matter how many criminals The Punisher executes, it won’t bring back his murdered family. Your ending doesn’t have to be happy, but if readers think that a happy ending isn’t possible, they probably won’t care about the story. Effective tragedies usually generate drama by playing on the readers’ hopes and expectations that the ending will be happy.
If you plan to use a tragic origin story, I’d recommend looking at Spiderman and maybe Spawn. Even though they’ve lost loved ones, these characters still clearly have something to fight for.
Did you find this article useful? Please check out our list of superhero writing articles.
This is very helpful.
What’s a good way to do a good origin for a human character?
Well, for a beginning author, it will probably be easiest to work with an origin story that is familiar to your readers. For example, Peter Parker, Static Shock and Harry Potter are pretty much in high school at the start of their stories. If you’re working with a story that is more fantastical than those three (for example, one that’s not set on Earth), I think Luke Skywalker has another basic, relatable origin. However, please do not take inspiration from the new series. Destiny and the “chosen one” detract fromLuke’s Anakin’s character development…
[B. Mac adds] Although basic origin stories are more relatable, a novice writer can probably handle a more exotic origin if the story lies in that direction. But you have to ask yourself whether your hero really needs to be an alien prince rather than something more mundane. Even the introduction of something like a magical or psychic hero into an otherwise realistic story will probably make publishers uneasy.
…Luke wasn’t the chosen one though. Anakin was
This is a very good list. I’m trying to write my first superhero story, and I like the advice this gives.
Ok, I’m writing the character’s origin story… Jamal lives in the inner city of Pacific City. He is struggling through life and he is always in trouble. His parents decide to send him to a government sponsored camp to straighten them out, unaware that a covert section of the government called Project Vector is taking these kids to do genetic engineering experiments. They subject Jamal to gene manipulation and they endow him with the ability to have his body produce a type of biokinetic energy which he can use to fly, shoot energy beams from his hands, a degree of superhuman strength, durability and endurance. They see that he is excelling in his abilities but need better results from the rest of the testees, so they subject them to more gene manipulation and there is an accident and they all acquire super powers, but here is a huge fight and they all escape including Jamal.
What do you think?
I mostly liked that, Armond, but I have some observations.
1) In a previous post, you said that Jamal would eventually put his mother in a coma. If he has escaped from a military testing project, it might be a bit harder for him to return home to his mother… wouldn’t Project Vector look for him there? You can get around that in a few ways, though.
A. Jamal goes into hiding with his mother.
B. After the huge fight makes the news, the military disbands Vector and Jamal is free to go home.
C. Jamal does not go home, but manages to recklessly inflict a coma on his mother anyway. For example, let’s say that he’s been living on his own and he robs a bank to help pay for something his mom needs. He intends to drop the bag of cash off at his mother’s house so she will find it. But Project Vector agents were waiting at his house and a fight ensues. In the fight, Jamal accidentally puts his mother into a coma rather than allow himself to be captured.
2) I like “Project Vector.”
3) Let’s assume for a moment that Project Vector’s tests go perfectly. What was it planning to do with the kids? Does it just return them to their parents, even though the kids will all report that they’ve been the subjects of illegal and unethical military experiments? Their new superpowers would be indisputable proof. The conventional way to explain this conundrum would be to have Vector plan to kill the kids all along, but the parents would inevitably raise questions about why hundreds of kids died at summer camp. Also, the kill-them-all strategy would make Vector look a bit cartoonishly evil.
I had an idea that Project Vector would be like a black ops military branch and that there was a secret genetic arms race going on between global powers. But since it’s technically illegal and unethical to manipulate genes and DNA on a public basis, they use the delinquent and other so called government camps to collect teens. When the allotted camp time is up, since they have had access to their DNA, the Project sends back clones to the unsuspecting parents all the while keeping the originals as government metahumans.
Hmm, that’s interesting… remind me never to send MY kids to summer camp, haha.
If the government is able to clone the kids, one thing you might consider is that the government sends the real kids home and then does the experiments on the clones.
Yea. I thought about that while I was drafting scenes, but I can’t seem to come up with a better solution. Do you have any suggestions?
Here’s one possibility…
1) Vector sets up a fake summer camp to do tests so that it can establish a safe and reliable genetics program that it can use on soldiers. Soldiers are far better candidates for the super-soldier program (they’re more restrained, willing, better-trained, and more mission-orientated than a bunch of inner-city kids pretty much stolen off the streets). But the enemy superpowers are getting too close and there’s no time to waste on animal trials, so Vector plans to use inner-city kids that were probably going to end up in prison anyway.
Vector’s plan was this: test on the kids until the mutagen was safe and reliable. Then it would wipe the kids’ memories, deactivate their superpowers and send them home because they are no longer needed– at that point, Vector would bring in willing soldiers for safe tests and all would be good. But the plan falls apart when something goes wrong and the kids break out. Suddenly there are many superpowered teenagers with behavioral problems running loose.
At this point, the plot might go in one of the following directions…
POSSIBILITY 1-A: Vector sends in its own men to attempt to recapture as many of the kids as possible. Depending on how desperate the situation is, you might have Vector use its mutagen on its own people at this point, even though the mutagen is still highly experimental. (You could make one of Vector’s agents into a minor villain this way, but it’s probably too cliche to use for the main villain).
POSSIBILITY 1-B: Vector gives up on the idea of recapturing the kids and tries to silence as many as possible. The ones that try going to the press die in one accident after another. If one of them is a friend of Jamal’s, that’s something that might compel him to get more involved in the plot.
Can you think of any other scenarios where they try to accelerate testing and cause an accident or one of the kids formulates an escape?
Hmm, let me try.
Let’s say that Vector starts out with reasonably ethical plans. Their schedule calls for using mostly test-animals with only supplemental tests on the teenagers. Then a crisis or near-crisis erupts. You mentioned before that Vector was racing against enemy superpowers. Well, the crisis might be that one of the other superpowers makes an enormous and/or horrifying leap in genetic engineering. The Pentagon comes to Project Vector and says that “we expect that the Chinese [or whoever] will have an army of superclones in approximately 18 years*. We need this supersoldier program NOW.”
That would put a lot of pressure on Project Vector to cut corners with its experimentation schedule. Instead of carefully developing safe tests on mice then working from mice -> monkeys -> teenagers -> soldiers, they might cut straight to teenagers.
I think that accelerating testing could easily create an interesting moral dilemma with two sets of three-dimensional characters: a government agency pushed to violate its citizen’s rights for (what it sees as) the greater good on one hand, and the kids on the other. One option you have to develop the kids is that delinquent inner-city kids are frequently gang members and they will probably not get along with other gang members. So we would expect that at least some of the kids at this camp are going to fight with other kids because of gangs (and maybe racism, if you’re comfortable with that). As the kids realize that they’re being exploited by the camp, I think you have a great opportunity to show the characters gradually overcoming their former animosities amongst themselves to band together and break out.
As for formulating an escape plan… I would just try to keep in mind that (obviously) your prisoners are street-savvy teenagers rather than criminal masterminds. Their plan doesn’t have to be extraordinarily technical or brilliant. It could be something as simple as figuring out when there are the fewest guards at the camp and then determining how you could initiate a riot at that time.
If you’d like to make things more complicated, you might also consider giving the teens an ally at the camp, maybe a guard who feels a bit uneasy about being as strict as his supervisors want him to be. But I would caution that books for younger readers frequently suffer from the “deus ex parentis” problem, which is when an adult swoops in and saves the day. I would make sure that any supportive parents are limited to a minor support-role rather than anything really important.
*In real-life, cloning does not create a copy with the same age and memories as the original. The clone is actually a new-born, so allowing for a gap between the invention of the cloning process and the eventual arrival of the clones as a militarily significant force is realistic. (If this 18 year gap concerns you for whatever reason, you can use a line or two to explain that the clones are designed to age more rapidly. That has worked quite nicely before).
Let me know what you think.
You present really interesting ideas and I thank you for them. I think that I have enough information to at least get going. I will let you know how the book goes. Thanks again.
I saw a similar picture to the gator one. It was on “I Can Haz Cheezburger?” There was a tiger cub being hugged by a woman at a zoo, and it had the caption:
“Your so naice, hoomin. I eets yoo last.”
I forgot it was going to grow into a huge predator, even when being reminded by the caption! But it was so cute.
Haha, that’s pretty funny. If you could link to that, I’d really appreciate it.
Here’s the picture of the tiger getting a hug:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/08/12/funny-pictures-i-eets-yoo-last/
Hilarious.
Aadrello Tegee is a big time graffiti artist dreaming of turning Neocomet City into his personal gallery. Despite his notoriety he is broke and homeless. His immoral dreams are halted when the city and the sector (the cluster of planets it belongs to) are cast into a depression. Thus, the city lost its gleaming, inviting appearance as well as Aadrello’s interest (who wants to ruin something that’s already ruined?)
He was rollo-blading from the police(as he usually does) when an intricately designed book fell to the ground near him. Thinking it could be worth value he scooped it up and eventually eluded the police(as usual). Later, he skimmed through the book and learned that it was completely blank and that the pages never seemed to end, he thought that it would make an awesome sketchbook. The next day he was about to draw in his new sketchbook, when he opened the book he saw that all his finished works had somehow been copied into the book. Soon after, he realized one of his drawings had been parading around the abandoned house he spent the night in. The drawing explained that the book was called “Animata” and was passed through history to great artists to help them accomplish what they most desired. The Cyborn Moon had been tracking the progress of the book through time in order to destroy it and its user(seeing as it can only be used by a chosen artist). In their attempt at destroying the entire planet, for resources as well as the books’ destruction, they failed to kill Aadrello who escaped thanks to his new ability to animate pictures.
Just to sum up his origin story, he learns to effectively summon his drawings and creates a costume for himself, he becomes “Sketch.” Alongside his two partners, “Mz. Corpse” and “Emerald,” he fights to defeat the Cyborn Moon and free the Omniverse from oppression and tyranny.
Is there a question I should respond to here? Or would you just like general impressions?
The plot seems functional, sort of like Star Wars with an urban twist. I think the names are still a bit extravagant, but you’ve mentioned that those are set in stone, so let’s try to improve what we can. Hmm. When you write your proposal, you should indicate who you think the book will appeal to and why. Give a few reasons to help the businessman reading your proposal understand why your book will be financially successful. Ideally you’ll draw on comparable examples of comic books that have succeeded in the past few years.
If I were trying to sell your story to a business, I might look at series like Star Wars (10-20 year-olds love sci-fi action), Spiderman (kids love young, poor protagonists) and Green Lantern (your hero and he share vaguely similar powers and both stories are space operas).
Haha Space Opera, I’m actually pretty glad you like it, I thought you’d be like NO!, THROW IT OUT!! haha
Publishers will reject the vast majority of stories almost instantaneously (before the reader is done with the first page). I am fairly confident that– assuming you get a good proofreader on board– your piece will survive to page 2. And that, in itself, is a major accomplishment.
How encouraging, haha.
A frighteningly large proportion of novel manuscripts get rejected within the first sentence.
I honestly have no clue as to what to title my book/comic. I don’t want to say something and then have it posted in “Bad Titles, that Can Be Fixed.” Could you suggest something?
You guys know my story. The Cyborn Moon (or whatever I change the name to) is a galactic superpower that want to destroy any chance of uprising and dominate the universe. Aadrello “Sketch”, Irabella “Mz. Corpse”, and Jornai “Emerald” are the three main characters each strong-willed and young. The story is based on multiple planets, each completely unique in both appearance and government. Along their “path” to get strong enough and defeat the Cyborn Moon, they meet many other heroes as well as minor villians. Once they do finally defeat the Moon other sequential good and bad things will happen, thus continuing the story. At least that’s what I’ve got so far.
Got any ideas? I’m stumped.
What do you think about the title “Shooting the Moon” ? It has some rhythm and a sci-fi vibe that I suspect will attract the right readers.
I like it. It also has a “shooting the breeze” rhythm that reminds me of the main character.
Thanks.
Flare Blade, I responded to your question here.
Ok, I’m still working on the Hellions, but this is another idea for a story, well the character’s origin at least. I got this idea after watching Dr. Strange: Sorcerer Supreme and thinking are there any young, black, and male magic superheroes. None that I can think of.
Ok, Boy (no name yet) is an inner-city black youth. Just so you know he and Aadrello are very much alike, except he doesn’t do graffiti, he just draws (I like artists). Boy is constantly picked on for him personality and his different style (very white-boyish, I didn’t want a stereotype). He is lower middle class, borderline poor. He thinks very positively and hopes to be great someday and get out of the hood.
This is the other-side of his origin, the mentor’s side, they will tie together.
The Whatever Magic Coalition (no name yet) sponsors the search for the next group of great Mystics, to watch over the realms. Hundreds of sorcerers and sorceress, including evil, are to train one pupil into the next greatest sorcerer(ess). It’s become sort of a contest. Weird Wiz (no name yet) is a notoriously eccentric wizard who although is a ditz is extremely powerful. He goes to Blank City or Ville (no name yet) to find his pupil, by randomly searching crowds for youths that he deems fit.
This is where the stories ties. Boy is at school in his last block class, having finished his work before the others, as usual, he begins to draw on his hand. He draws a series of circles and lines in no definite pattern. He doesn’t think much of it. School is out and Boy rush to someplace to urgently do something (I know, it’s still under heavy construction) while running and not paying attention he crashes into Weird Wiz and they both fall. As boy helps WW to his feet, WW senses the well known incantation drawn on Boy’s hand, Boy just thought it was a drawing. WW only says “I’ll you around, Boy” (but says his real name), freaking Boy out.
WW later wisps Boy’s astral body to his home in that is between many realms, and offers apprentenship. Before Boy can quickly refuse, WW puts on a flashy show, showing Boy want he could do if he was his apprentice. Boy is amazed and accepts, signing a contract. Boy then wonders why him. WW says because Boy already already knows magic, he is the best pupil (the hand incantation). Boy states that, that was just a random drawing wherein WW bursts into laughter and say “So I poisoned you (the hand grab), to test you and you didn’t even know Ha, I could have killed you”. WW takes it jokingly, but Boy wants to quit, too late he already signed the binding contract.
The really interesting part is how he has to use his powers but I’ll explain that later. What do you think of this origin, What I hope to accomplish is make becoming and being a mage a structure system with tests and a heirarchy, instead of just you learn magic to a degree and claim the title mage or sorcerer or whatever. Suggestions? Opinions?
They are for the most part on earth and are human.
Look up, It got erased from the recent comments. I will add more serious factors to my story. I don’t want it to fail. I think it’s a fresh idea that COULD work.
Oops it wasn’t erased. It was camoflauged though.
Camouflaged? That’s weird. Hmm. What do you mean by camouflaged?
Because the two titles on the recent comments looked similar, I thought they were all “What Origin Stories are Plausible” comments so I put on here and then I saw the difference.
OK, R.B. I glanced through your story and I think it has very much potential. I suspect that setting it on Earth will help quite a lot. Another factor that I think is a big positive is that the story feels less like a magical superhero story (a la Sailor Moon or American Dragon), but more of a real-world magical fantasy like Harry Potter or So You Want to be a Wizard. The distinction probably feels very minor, and maybe it is, but I think that more publishers and readers will go for the magical fantasy than a magical superhero story. Anyway. Enough hair-splitting from me.
I think that the aspiring borderline-poor protagonist is very strong and has a lot of dramatic depth. I think that him being black will also help your marketing efforts and may help distinguish the work from books like Harry Potter.
I like the connection between the boy and the wizard, although it seems maybe a bit contrived that the wizard just happens to run across the boy that just happened to draw a magical incantation. It may be problematic if the boy is chosen because he was born with great magical potential, for chosen one reasons. That’s pretty easily fixable, though. For example, the distinguishing trait of the boy could be that he’s a very quick learner and observant. If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art, I think he might feel a bit less like a chosen one.
I think the story might benefit from the injection of more competitiveness. For example, perhaps the wizard has selected several pupils and plans to gradually send them home until he’s down to just one. That would give the protagonist many chances to demonstrate his skills against students that are just as interested in becoming the wizard’s one pupil as he is.
Quoting you… “What I hope to accomplish is to make becoming and being a mage a structured system with tests and a hierarchy, instead of just learning magic to a degree and then claiming the title of mage or sorcerer or whatever. Suggestions? Opinions?” Could you elaborate on that?
If I understand this right, you essentially want to make magic into an accredentialed guild where your ability to call yourself a mage of rank [whatever] depends on how well you have performed on the guild’s standardized tests. So magic would be less something that you individually could do on your own, and something that was regulated from above? That’d be an interesting twist, I think. The danger is that the hierarchy might get burdensome to explain. I think the later Dragon Knight books spent too long explaining the organization and ranks of wizards…
I do realize that if I want an older audience,which I do, I’ll need more serious aspects. I can make the the origins of the search more dark. There have been magical murders or an evil entity is destroying realms and I can make death a more normal story aspect. For example, some competitors might tell their students to kill or be killed to take out the competition. Teen death always make stuff more serious. There can be time when WW and Boy go to magic death scenes and study them. There will also be demons and dark entities so, all in all, I definitely feel this would appeal to older readers.
I like the idea of giving the wizards some underlying motivation for putting together the search. That will make the stakes higher and give the boy something to do after he wins the competition. (Erm, assuming he does. He doesn’t have to, of course).
As for darkness, I’d recommend looking into The Dresden Files as an example of a magical story that worked on a very serious, noir level. With demons and mangled victims!
Yeah, like not anyone can just be a mage you have to be granted the title. I think I could regulate the hierarchy to work and not overload the reader with ranks. You could do it on your own, but you’d probably be doing it wrong. I love the suggestion for a competitive team, it creates alot more drama. I don’t fully understand what you mean when you say “If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art” you mean like he drew a picture of the incantation?
One of the things I like about this story is that the protagonist seems pretty cheerful and proactive. Even though he operates in a world that will sometimes be dark and horrible (particularly when demons and killer competitors attack), his positivity will help keep the world from feeling overwhelmingly bleak. It will also help keep him likable. Everyone likes a go-getter…
I’ll have to pick up “The Dresden Files”. And I still have to make him meet the Wiz someone. Maybe after he draws the incantation, he runs away ,and all of a sudden the Wiz is right in front of him and uses a binding spell while talking to his.
Also, I wanted to apologize for acting rashly yesterday. I’m kind of struggling with workload issues right now.
You acted rashly? I didn’t notice.
Basically, Boy and his fellow competitiors are known as “Ordained Mystics” for as long as they are contracted, unless they win the competition. Ordained mystics have a limit of their power equal to their ordainer and must use an object as a familiar, they have to channel their magic through a certained predestined object in the beginning of their magic learning. They go through a different exercise every week and someone is eliminated and mind wiped if they don’t meet the standards. I want The Wiz’ team to have odd famaliars seeing as their teacher is eccentric.
Could I recommend “neophytes” or another single-word in place of ordained mystics?
Works for me. I looked it up. It works.
I’ll start coming up with details soon.
I still don’t understand this exactly “If he just happened to see the wizard working magic, and was able to replicate a minor spell with his art”, you mean he draws a picture of the incantation? or a picture of what the spell conjures? Even so he’ll still have to meet the Wiz somehow.
I think what I was envisioning was that the wizard is walking from the home of one prospective student to another. At some point, he pulls off to an alley to work a spell by drawing a set of runes. He thinks he’s alone, but the hero somehow watches him (either from around the corner or from across the street).
A minute later, the boy tries redrawing the runes with his photographic memory or whatever. This alerts the magical authorities because an unauthorized wizard just performed an illegal spell. The authorities call the wizard because they knew the spell was his (perhaps the spell was so eccentric that he was the only one who could have been the spell’s owner). When the wizard realizes what happened, he sees a fantastic opportunity to gain another apprentice for the contest. So he claims that the protagonist was his hero all along so that the police will let him go.
What do you think?
Hmm, you just gave me an idea. Earlier you said “That will make the stakes higher and give the boy something to do after he wins the competition. (Erm, assuming he does. He doesn’t have to, of course).” Maybe he shouldn’t win, but at this point he would have a common understanding, so he would still worm his into magic society and “the final battle”. If he lost I would make it so that he still has close connections with his master, so he can still become a “certified” mage and continue his training. I think the twist would be so deliciously juicy, it would throw the reader, who probably thinks he’ll win, off and have them on their toes.
If I’m following this clearly, two elements of your plot are:
1. The students are competing to pick a wizard to get trained and beat on some really powerful evil wizard.
2. The student that wins will go off to fight said wizard.
Another possibility is that the student loses and he illegally goes off to fight the wizard anyway, without any sort of authority to do so. He might not even have the mentor, but rather a team of students that also failed in the competition. I think that could make sense if the wizard somehow commits some grievance against them over the course of the competition, and it is clear that the person that won the competition is not really the most qualified to face the wizard (because he cheated or whatever).
The students (plural) that win will fight said evil entity, but each wizard can have only one winning apprentice, who will then go on to compete to be in the small group of final winners. I look your idea for how Adrian (the Boy) gets chosen as an apprentice, I like how the spell is so eccentric that it has to be the wizards. I’m still kind of fuzzy on your idea, there has to be a way for Adrian to continue his training, preferably with his eccentric mentor (of course there would be reasonable space betwwen the characters at this point i.e the wizard is assign to jobs and Adrien does tasks alone).
You really confused me with this “The students are competing to pick a wizard to get trained and beat on some really powerful evil wizard.” the wizards are picking the student, they train along the process and are ,one my one, eliminated if they don’t have adequate skills. The final three go to the magic society (no name yet) and go into more rigorous training. Two are eliminated leaving one winner per master wizard. The winners go into a tournament to prove themselves, whereafter winning they are part of the mystic group (no name yet), this is (possibly) where I’ll have Adrien fail, but his teacher being a rule-breaker continues to secretly train him instead of mindwiping him and sending him home.
Quoting your comment at 6:42 pm, you said that “There [may] have been magical murders or an evil entity is destroying realms and I can make death a more normal story aspect.” That’s what I was talking about with the evil wizard.
OOh, blonde moment. I get it now. Okay so now that I have the origin set up, I can start with details I will post accordingly. Teacher alert!!! I’m in class. Talk later haha.
I’ve been toying with an idea. What if it was a failure that brought the hero into whatever the heck he ends up doing? I thought of this in class today.
A boy of fourteen opens his mid year exam results as he walks home from school, sees that he failed (again) and angrily screws the paper up, throwing it down on the ground. Then he realizes that his parents will want to see them, and he’ll be in big trouble if he doesn’t bring them home. A gust of wind picks it up and flings it into the air, and he chases after it. They land in the local park, and when he picks them up he inadvertently pulls on a piece of material that’s partially hidden by grass and dirt. Curious, he pulls harder and finds a rosewood box which has a strap attached. He takes it home. He opens it later and finds a message from (undecided) who want him to (undecided). I think it’s a nice little start.
This boy is extremely selfish and decides to use this to his advantage. He could do with disappearing for a few days because he thinks his parents may go easier on him. But this adventure is harder than getting top marks in class.
Interesting! Now let me tell you the origin of Ragged Boy. I was just an ordinary black gothic kid, nevertheless, I was relentlessly picked on and beaten up. I tried to be happy, but people kept crushing my little dreams. My parents never loved me they sent me to an asylum for crazies, but I wasn’t crazzy, I was angry.
I hated them with all my heart and I would make them and everyone else like them pay. I consulted some of my goth friends to help me perform a ritual of death, when I got out of the asylum. I was going to contact death and ask him a favor, I wanted a universal voodoo doll. Everything about the ritual was set up flawlessly, I was going to get what I wanted. Death stood before me, My heart pounded with fear and rage and happiness and a bunch of other emotions. But, It didn’t go how I wanted it, Death taunted saying “How dare a whelp like you summon a great entity”
“No!” I cried out “I understand my place, I just ask of you a favor of you Dark One”
“A FAVOR??!! I am Death, I don’t grant favors, You make me look like a fool” with a swing of his sickle, he killed all my friends.
“Why them?” I yelled
“If you want me to kill, I’ll need lives as payment, these will do HAHAHAHA” Death said laughing at me “A voodoo doll is what you want?”
“Yes” I said trembling
“So be it” Death vanished as the darkness engulfed me. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. A large needle and thread began ripping through my body, blood and flesh fell eveywhere. I passed out from the excrutiating pain. When I woke up I felt different, when I moved pain weaved throughout my body. I pulled myself to a mirror, I screamed at what I saw. Large black threads had been crudely weaved throughout my face and body, my skin looked like raw brown strips straw material. In addition, I had a poorly painted black heat where my heart once was. I understood, Death made me into a voodoo doll.
After a few days locked in my room, my body became used to the unceasing pain, I could move again at will. I had also developed a few other abilities, I could make the black thread and manipulate them, I could also wish bad luck on people, and turn back to human form at will. After gaining a personal item from my mom and dad, I tested my final ability. Their items melded with me and I had total control over them, I decided to kill them, I plunged a knife into my heart spot and watched them drop in agony. It was fun.
Death had given me what I wanted, in an odd way, but he had given me what I wanted. It was time for revenge, once I made thos kids at school pay, slowly, I thought I’ve got quite the knack for this. I became Ragged Boy and I would serve under Death, doing hid bidding as well as my own. No one would cross me ever again.
Yep, that’ s my origin. I’ve taken a break from “business” to have a normal life for a bit.
I posted this in response to TRW. I was bored. This is 90% made up.
Hey, the trio is back!!
I have a question; as to whether or not this will work for an origin story. Soo…my character grew up in a very part of his town, lots of gangs and such, and his father died in a gang shootout. So when he’s walking across the street, he almost gets hit by a car, and his powers activate. He leaps out of the way. He’s not very powerful, but he has basic personal gravity powers including leaping and enhanced reflexes, and is very flexible and athletic otherwise. So he uses his powers and becomes an urban superhero. What do you think? Is there a possibility he will be totally screwed against armed gang members? Btw, he also finds his late father’s riot gear and wears a kevlar vest and wields a police tonfa.
Slight typo. “my character grew up in a very bad part of town”. My bad, I’m a bit nitpicky.
I think you would need to go more in-depth as to why he has latent powers in the first place. Is he a metahuman, an alien, or whatever? I think his actual origin story is OK, but you could probably come up with something more high-stakes. Maybe, he was chased to a rooftop by a gang and had to jump from building to building or he’s playing basketball (or whatever) and he jumps super high and dunks the ball.
I don’t recommend putting his leaping powers under the gravity category, unless it is actual relevant to the story or he gets more gravity-related powers.
I don’t think he would be that bad against gang members, but giving him a little more of an edge over them my help him. Kevlar and tonfas will help him, but maube martial arts skills or master evasive skills.
If you really want to go out on a limb, I’d recommend probability manipulation, slight control over good and bad luck in dangerous situations. But, that’s only if you want to.
He works out a lot and is naturally flexible, and has some fighting ability. Basically, I didn’t want to make him very powerful at all, and his gravity powers only apply to himself, so that’s why he can manipulate his personal gravity to make longer jumps and can run faster by sort of bounding. He can also extend his gravity powers beyond himself enough to change the direction of a bullet, but this is extremely tiring. Should he have some sort of short-range telekinesis or what? I kind of didn’t want to explain the origins yet…but would it be cliche to have like the gang leader gain superpowers as well? I do need an origin for the powers though, I’ll think on that one. By the way, he’s called “X the Unknown” and wears a green hoodie with an X spray painted white over the chest, and he marks his “territory” by painting an X over the gang’s graffiti. I mean, is that an okay hero concept?
I think the gravity control would work, I’d recommend giving him a little more leverage in his fatigue parameter. Don’t make it so tiring as he will probably need to
deflect quite a few bullets.
I’m glad to here you’re coming up with an origin for his powers, readers would get angry if there was no reason he got powers.
I like this hero concept, it’s interesting. He seems to have a possible solid goal, cleaning up the streets so that will add to his appeal.
Thanks! Nice of you to say. Would it be cliche if a leader of a gang/bully got superpowers and fought him as well? I’m not really sure how I’m gonna go about that.
It may feel a little contrived. I suggest something that altered the gang and their leader to get powers unless X’s origin doesn’t apply to just him.
Another situation is that the gang leader might deliberately look for a way to gain powers, but that might feel a little odd as your average street thug has zero scientific knowledge. Or your could have the hero do something that gives him his powers or makes him a villain. The + for this is that it lends itself to irony and usually creates cool villains. The Joker and maybe Venom are the only examples that come to mind.
Hmm, that would be really neat! Perhaps he replicates this. Maybe, if X gains his powers from an extreme fight-or-flight response (like almost being hit by a car) maybe the gang leader gains his in the middle of a shootout with a rival gang? I’ll think on it. Good idea though.
So, I’m guessing this must be a race of dormantly enhanced humans whose powers activate in detrimental situations. Clarification is still very necessary.
If this is a superhuman fight-or-flight response, your origin becomes easy to explain as a bonus. You could say that this is potential in all human beings, but is usually only unlocked after years of training (thus explaining martial arts masters like Bruce Li, Jackie Chan, and Chuck Norris). However in some individuals, a surge of hormones breaks the psychological barrier altogether and voila! Superhuman.
I could have thought of that if I wasn’t so sleepy.
I love all this advice cause it’s really helping me and my sister with our two series. But that whole “Other than the fact that Static Shock got his powers from the same place is villains and thats the only link he has to them” is wrong. Some of those kids attended his school, like Hot Spot or whatever that guy’s name is.
Hmm, I don’t know all that much about Static Shock. I’ve only seen a few episodes, maybe 5. Anyway, the impression I got was that the ties between SS and most of the villains are not very strong. In contrast, a few of Spiderman’s villains are quite close to him. For example, Norman Osborne (the Green Goblin) is the father of Peter’s best friend and owns the company that was responsible for the spiderbite. Curt Connors (Lizard) is a friend of Peter’s and is one of his professors. Eddie Brock (Venom) competes with Peter on the job and is sometimes a romantic rival as well. Those sort of personal connections can help tie the hero to what the villain is doing.
However, I think that this is one area in which comic books and superhero novels are different than cartoon shows. On most cartoon shows, most of the episodes will be standalones, so you just need to introduce a random villain and have the hero save the day within 22 minutes. Personal connections aren’t really important. In contrast, I think that plot coherence (trying to tie all the aspects of the plot as much as possible) is more important in comic books and particularly novels.
How did I miss this many posts? It seems like there are like 30 comments here that I never got around to responding to. Hmm…
What if there were a character from a distant galaxy in a cluster of thousands, previously unknown to humans despite thriving on Earth. He’d have a human-like image to blend in on Earth. With his superior knowledge of other worlds and technical advances… he’d be an escaped slave fugitive escaping his home galaxy, which is ruled by a corrupt king/self-proclaimed god.
B. Mac,
Don’t drop the ball! lol
JONGEE,
I’d like to help, but I can’t understand what you’re asking… could you elaborate? Are you asking if this is an OK origin story?
Jongee, I have a few questions and observations.
–What are some of the distinguishing personality traits of this character?
–Do you have any humans lined up for this story yet?
–If you’re doing a novel, I’m not sure that this plot will stretch out far enough (60-70 thousand words). Are you thinking about doing a novel, a comic book script, or something else?
creating new story .. all advise and opinions welcome…aspiring writing …
abilities : superior knowledege of all worlds and technologies..
faster , stronger , super sensess , ‘
my vision is all to clear but it preety much that unknownto earth this a galxy out there in the universe conducting life in a star wars type of manner to say .. planets ,, other life froms galatical goverments .. and politcal strife.
yet for earth .. earth happens to be the maricle planet in the universe at the bary egde of space traped merge between two galaxies .. the milkyway and the sagurtarious dwaft galaxy therefore for eons of space time the planets in our solor system have been cut off . making it the last unknown part of space .. so when he travels here its completly an acciedent a universal discovery a a new world adding him in his escape in a stolen space pod wit a type of gps tracker .. ..which will one day lead his chaser right to him. but he doesnt know when ..
with earth current technologies he’s trapedd untill albe to fix his ship . .and get of this planet..
his mission is to get home .. save his people from captivity..
while traped on earth he adapts to the human race and falls in love to have an earth child ..how?? dont know yet..?.. i have ideas but know noval experience ..?
earth was an accident billions of years ago a merger between galaxies of the milkyway and sagutarious drawft brought a mars size planet in conatact with earth.. creating our moon.. in some strang way the actual earth history will be explained by and alien lifform.. from our alaged gods to what wiped out the dinosours ….
before humans and even when humans existed earth was visited in secrete.. where earthling were thought certain skills and giving certain tools which added our species to evolved so rappidly… yet earth as a planet was never useful our solor system was to unpredictable ., filled with disaters of planetary porportions .. .some where by the end certaint humans on earth will gain gifts of sorts .. and aid the alien in protecting out planet form an envasion … my world in set in the future but we yet discovered the ways of real space travel yet we have put a man on mars …im think 2100s time line the worlds is difrrent from now but our but its clear when it comes to space we have much to learn and fast.. anyone interested or is this un thinkable?
Just shooting a few ideas out… This site is good. I’m envisioning a script for film one day. I’m a pretty good artist, but the comic industry seems to have been taken over by Marvel and DC over the past century.
Dark Horse is pretty popular…
As far as your ideas go, they seem pretty epic in scale. Perhaps you need to minimize, or focus in one aspect first… then flesh out the history of man and the milky way.
I’d suggest fleshing out your main character and main villain, and a bit of a backstory (as in why exactly he’s running away).
Also, like B. Mac said, deciding if this is going to be a comic or a written novel would be pretty important so you could figure out what you are going to be able to do… as in writing, or drawing the scenes. (My preference is comic, well, manga actually, but to each his/her own).
Again, like B. Mac said, what kind of hero is your main character? Anti-hero (goes by his own rules) or boyscout (tells the truth, never kills, etc.). Is he an intellectual genius or just a mechanic? And how is he going to free his people?
I ramble… and apparently only quote. (B. Mac, you got a fan here).
I agree, because you have a very complex plot with alot of backstory, tell us a little more about the main character(s). What personality does he have? What makes him stand out?
Also, I’d be careful about having a race of homo-superiors (better than humans in ever way) they tend to get annoying.
My brain is off right now, so I’ll try to help a little later.
I wouldn’t say the Marvel and DC have taken over, because if they had there would be no comics. Both of those companies are incredibly difficult to get into. I suspect it would be easier to get into Dark Horse or Image, and then (somehow) move into one of The Big Two.
In 2008, Diamond Comic Distributors reports that Marvel/DC sold 78% of comics sold in North America and took 70% of the total retail value of comics sold.
That’s a pretty strong market position, but not as dominant as the big two in some other sectors. For example, Internet Explorer and Mozilla have 88% market-share among web-browsers. In 2002, Windows was used as the operating system for 94% of computers. Currently, Windows accounts for about 88% and Apple for another 10%.
I’m not a huge fan of Marvel or (especially) DC, but it doesn’t surprise me that they sell substantially more comics than anyone else. They have notably high production values and deep rosters of popular characters.
What about this as an origin story. A meteorite crashes at my character’s school, emitting radiation that causes people to develop abilities.
Lol. Like Meteor Man? (The movie). I thought that was a pretty cool concept. I’d buy that, but I’m not as picky as some others in this site (not that that’s bad, though; sometimes you want to stay away from the tried).
In the movie, a meteor crashed onto him and sank into his skin, giving him powers like knowing what’s in a book just by touch, and super-speed, flight, etc…
If I were you though, I’d wait for advice from the smarter people around here; they usually give more in-depth advice and pretty good suggestions.
Meteor Man… I’ll have to watch it. It sounds cool.
Yeah, it’s pretty cool in my opinion. One more tid-bit of info that I liked: He can fly, but is afraid of heights, lol. Though it’s a little comedic, it does get a little dark (what with crime and all).
Hmm… let’s see if this link will work…
To be blunt, meteors are kind of corny, at least in my opinion. Its workable no doubt, but it seems as though it would reflect poorly on your stories world. A modern society like ours would easily be able to predict if a meteorite were to strike the earth. They would then take precautions like evacuating people or cutting off the city power supply to avoid overloads.
I think a meteor shower would be better than a single meteorite. I suspect then you could make the meteors small and minimalize the damage inflicted to the city. Although, they would be small, in abundance, it’s believable that they could produce enough radiation to mutate people.
I like the meteor shower idea… though it’s not impossible for a single meteorite to get through our “defenses.” If one were to come from the direction of the sun (and not get pulled in by it) we’d by chance miss its presence. Though highly unlikely, it could happen.
One big worry in the “meteor watch” community is that one could creep in from the sunny-side. Since the Sun wouldn’t reflect light off of it, so that we could see it, it wouldn’t be visible to us. That’s what I believe from what I’ve read and watched; though I could be wrong. Meh.
Here’s one scenario. A meteor is tracked to swing by the Earth, but in a safe and worry-free orbit. Terrans (my word for Earthlings – Earthlings just sounds weak to me) adjust orbiting satellites to travel out of the meteorite’s way… then through human error, two satellites collide (it has actually happened) and the debris they leave behind knock the meteorite towards the Earth at the last second. It crashes. People get powers. Etc. Just a suggestion.
Isn’t that a bit over-complicated for an origin story?
“Radiation from a meteorite [shower] gave them superpowers” vs. “Well, firstly . . .”
Anyway, I think a meteor has been done a lot (I’m not an expert though), but I think a meteor shower is a nice little twist from that. Nice idea, R.B.
If we get ideas from what you other people say, are we allowed to use that or is that considered stealing?
We wouldn’t give you ideas if we didn’t want you to use them. Unless the idea is strictly related to a particular story, I think it is free to use.
What ideas did you have in mind?
When I hear stuff, sometimes I get ideas for a way to twist it a little and use it. I like the meteor shower idea, and my mind started rolling. But I don’t wanna be a thief. You feel me?
I don’t think it’d be a problem.
I was brainstorming and I thought of another origin story. Tell me what you think.
Emma is having a party at her house that has, surprisingly, been organized by her nasty father. Her father is really using this party as way to test an serum that would allow people to develop abilities.
Hmm. I wouldn’t recommend going down that angle unless you want to make her father the villain.
I think it’s an interesting tweak on the mass transformation idea. However, you would need a good reason as to why he would test experimental serums on teenagers, let alone, his own daughter. His reason would have to be deeper than him just being a cold person, you can be cold without being evil.
Well, I did want her father to be a potential villain. He is a ruthless, domineering, cold-hearted old man.
Wade, maybe you could have her father work for the U.S. Gov. Maybe he volunteered to use his daughter and some of her friends to test the prototype drug. Does that make sense?
I like Emma, though. She is a really cool character. Hey, I was wondering if you are gonna allow her to completely manipulate sound. Such as erasing sound so she can be really stealthy or she can turn up to deliver offensive attacks? Just wondering.
yeah that could work thank you
well Emma ablilily is going to grow a lot of different ways like you said about the stealth use and i had an idea that she could create thunder send send sound vibration to destroy things she is gong to be able to do alot more than scream loud
Ok, I have now settled on my origin story. It took a while, but I think it’s good.
It starts with a wealthy, powerful organization that has existed for decades. Its main objective is to hunt down and exterminate superhumans, people they call naturals. One of these naturals has been hunted for his entire life and has lost much of his sanity. his power is to infuse others with powers, but most of the time this leads to their death (either because the organization kills them or because they simply can’t handle their powers). This Natural then infuses my characters at the school.
Hmm. I think that has potential, but there are problems. Why do these characters in particular survive? Why are these characters chosen? This could lead to a ‘chosen one’ feel.
How exactly does the natural give your MCs their powers?
Well, I was thinking that he gave these teenagers to make a team of artificial naturals to help him combat the organization. He simply found teenagers who he thought showed potential, and focused on teenagers because they are easier to manipulate.
I need some help on how the natural guy power works.
I’m guessing you could make your giver’s powers work by:
Genetic reconstruction as in he can take apart a person’s DNA and fuse their chromosomes with something that works towards whatever their power would be and then puts the DNA back together.
Or
Gene Awakening, you could say that everyone in your story’s world has a superhuman gene, whether dormant or active. The giver character has the ability to awaken this gene in a person, giving them powers.
What do you think?
I like the second one better. Thanks.
I’ve lately realized (after reading Ender’s Shadow) that origin stories with protagonists that were originally guinea pigs for genetic experiments are VERY overused, yet VERY effective in some ways.
If I were to fabricate a character that was the spawn of a mysterious experiment, granting him paranormal abilities (*cough* psychic power), how would I be able to use that, but add uniqueness to it to make it stand out.
Hmm, that’s a doozy of a question. Maybe if the protagonist knew what the experiment was and volunteered for it, instead of being an unwilling, unsuspecting guinea pig.
It seems like everything has been done for that field already, you may be able to come up with something new, keep thinking.
Alternatively, you could try to come up with a completely new origin.
Uh, thanks.
How would I be able to get my own review forum? I have a couple of ideas 4 graphic novels(though they all don’t have the experiment theme) but i need help with the execution. Me and Asaya share an e-mail
Ok, Gurion Omega. I set it up here. A three minute turnaround may be a new record for us.
Great advice! But what if he was altered in utero, as a child?
Or maybe when they messed around with his genetic structure, they made sure to erase the part in his brain which has memories, so he doesn’t know he had been a guinea pig, he thinks he already was born like that (half the truth).
(This is another unrelated question)
It would be a awesome psychological theme if maybe they conducted those experiments because they tried to ‘create’ their own messiah, which would sort of make the reader ask: How far would humankind go to save the world?
Also, maybe the tale could be told from the perspective of the chosen one’s shadow, or maybe friend who always had the lousy end of the stick? The chosen one could even get murdered somewhere in the course of the narrative, and he decides that he should try to do what his buddy (he may even begin to resent his bud) failed to do (of course he ain’t a mary sue!)
He probably wasn’t chosen for the task of universe saving because he didn’t have the persona: He was shrewd, selfish,and screwed up in ethics/morals?
I always thought a ’save the world’ story told from the perpective of the plucky sidekick would be interesting. It’d be nice to see what Best Friend REALLY thinks of Action Hero once in a while.
Thanks. I’ve just got a review forum, from B.mac.
Uh, disregard the head message that’s there. I wasn’t being very serious when I wrote it, sorry.
Age Range:13-19
Some Themes: Coming of age, redemption, destiny, the psychology of being one-of a kind.
Well, of course any critique is welcome, and in return, I will help give advice to you if you need it.
I have multiple ideas, and story-lines, which will be updated whenever I get the chance.
Hi.
I’m creating a superhero series with my friend.
We have really gotten into the series and we have created a lot of villains and plots.
It starts off with our young heros (based off my self and my friend and, well, the rest of our friends) discovering we have powers. My friend discovers he can animate drawings first in the middle of an exam. Later the living drawing is sapping him of energy to stay alive and myself and my friend try to find the paper to which we can return the drawing.
After we did this we walk and talk about powers and (without us knowing) we are watched by an agent from a company called Voytec inductries who specialise in abilities and generaly science fiction phenominone like battlesuits and force fields.
This is where the first episode, section or issue ends
After this we test our powers and discover i have powers too (which is the ability of Mass cellular regeneration, never die).
Long story short i would like some advice on how to improve the origin story!
thanks for your help
Hmm, I have a few concerns:
-Firstly, how do you and your friends get powers in the first place. Readers may find it very unsatifying to not know any type of origin for their abilities.
-Basing characters of yourself and friends can be an issue. Are the characters actually you and your friends? Or just slightly different reflections? Making characters after yourself usually lends itself to Mary Sue-ism.
“After this we test our powers and discover i have powers too (which is the ability of Mass cellular regeneration, never die).”
-This could be very problematic. What’s at stake for a character that can’t die? Most people like superheroes because they risk their lives to saves people. Without that risk of death, the fighting seems pointless (“if he gets stabbed in the chest, he’ll just regenerate).
- I like the power to bring drawings to life. I have a character who can do the same thing.
” (without us knowing) we are watched by an agent from a company called Voytec industries”
-I think you should show this a little, instead of keeping us out of the know. Maybe a shadow here, a passing figure there. That would give you at least a little foreshadowing and add to the suspense.
I read your wiki and Mass Cellular Regeneration seems like it could be a problem.
It’s too powerful. A person can come back after getting his head cut off is taking it a little far. You could only kill this character in elaborate ways i.e. drowning, explosion, acid bath, although I’m not even sure that would work.
I’d recommend toning this power down. Right now it’s like a god power and makes the character immortal and that can definitely be a problem. Some regeneration is fine, but right now it’s a little much.
I think mass cellular generation is cool. Im not tryna disagree with Ragged Boy Im just gonna put my point of view out there. I think it can be similar to invulnerablity. You can set up a few weakness, maybe a certain type of metal or Voytec develops a weapon that works against the healing factor. I dont know but i think sometimes you need characters with godlike powers. That way it allows for you to explore different emotions. Maybe the character is the type who doesnt think about his life and makes rash decisions even though he is a part of team, which puts them in danger. Idk thats how i feel about it.
Thanks for the comments. I’ll try and answer each problem or comment one at a time, Ragged Boy.
The powers are a genetic trait, like on Heroes or Superman’s powers.
chemicals are released by the brain and the cells absorb them enabling the abilities.
your right about the mary sue thing (exept like a max sue or something as i am male) i tend to write like this except i go back and change it. And to be honest the wiki i made isn’t that accurate. i tend to rable on. you can check the activating evolution website it has this stuff too.
basically he can heal from most wounds but some are tough and some are impossible. cuts easy. decapitation, early on it’s impossible but becomes hard. standing at the center of a nuclear explosion, impossible.
with the agent. at the end, the point of view or focus changes to the agent on the phone saying “i think AA-001 is developing his ability” but longer.
Well heres the thing. invincibility is a powerful ability, it can be almost god like as its in general better to never age or die than be able to rust objects.
speaking of which the characters later develop secondary then thirdonary (thats not a word) powers. these third level ones are most powerful. the main chacracter gets the ability to control energy. another character, gravity and myself power absorbtion
might i also ask? which pages did you check on the wiki?
Hmm. I’m not sure what your plans are for this story, but let’s say that you’re interested in getting it professionally published someday. If I were the publisher’s assistant looking at the story, I would have several concerns.
–When the characters are based off the author and/or his friends, they tend to be Mary Sues. Unless the story is a memoir, the audience doesn’t want to know what the author would do, they want to know what the characters would do. I would recommend adding distance between you and your friends on one hand and your characters on the other.
–Ragged Boy didn’t really rip the story to shreds. See this comment for a run-down of some of the reviews I’ve received. If you attempt to go professional, you too will face much worse than what RB has just delivered.
–Your story would be easier to read if the grammar and punctuation were smoother.
I apologize for the fault in my grammar.
As i noted before, i do write my character as a mary sue but after i read an article about it i discovered it would be bad. So since then, i have edited the stories afterward so they are not so super-me based. I can also say one character i based on a friend, when i write him, is completely different from his reallife counter part.
I observed the comments you have recieved, they are harsh.
Thank you for the comments
Hello everyone. I have recently started creating characters for a story/novel about superheroes. I came across this site, and would like to put some information here to get some feedback.
The main hero’s name is Shadowblazze. Soul City is the largest city in the world. Not an overwhelmingly crime ridden city by any means.
It is however an amazingly ambiguous city. Where the good can go bad, and the bad may turn out to be good. Choices are always about, and for Soul City, the choice between good and evil seem to arise. Strange things are known to happen there. Periodically throughout the long history of the city many things have taken place. But well, that is for another story. For now we will focus on one particular incident. 50 years ago in Soul City there was a mysterious string of children being kidnapped. All were five years old at the time. no one knows exactly what happened. Mysteriously after five years all of the missing children were found, more like delivered. Each found in perfect condition near the closest precinct of their original residence. The children appeared to be ok, with no signs of being hurt, but each had a single round scar on their neck. The children had no memory of the years they were gone, in fact their memories stop on the day they were kidnapped, and resumes on the day they were found. The children were reunited with their families and went on to live normal lives. In fact all of them went on to grow and have children. It is not until this generation does anything extraordinary happen.Thirty years after the incident children of soul city began to show unique abilities. Some where captured, some ran away, after seeing what happened to the ones captured, families began hiding their childrens’ abilities. Powers often manifest at a time of emotionally charged events.
Shadowblazze, real name Khalil Nyte, Is the son of A professional martial artist very driven and focused on being number one. Natrually he passed on his strong work ethic as well as his quest to be the best on to his son. Trained in the deadliest, most effective of martial arts from a young age, shadowblazze is an expert fighter.
Very mellow even personality, a man of few words, but warrant for his conviction.
One day when he was 14 Khalil was training alone with his father. In an intense battle he was losing and nearly out of energy. With his father antagonizing him, Khalil became unusually enraged and his power manifested for the first time. A blast of dark energy emitted from his body, sending his father flying across the room. From that day forward Khalil vowed to never lose his temper and become so enraged again.His father taught him never to tell anyone about his power, and to hide it, because he knew what the effects could be. While Shadowblazze never revealed his secret he did, however,always train and hone his abilities in secret.
At about the age of 18 a many other powered beings began to emerge. Wrongdoers, using their power for personal gain. It was then that khalil assumed the name shadowblazze and began using his abilities to fight the evils of soul city.
While he was very powerful in general, it wasnt until he met a mentor that he unlocked his true potential. one night after a big battle
khalil, was wiped out, and surpassed his limits for the first time. It was then that another powerd being named Zenpai found him and took him in.
Zenpai was about five years older than shadowblazze, and much more experienced. He took shadowblazze in and helped him to master his power,
and taught him the secret of concentrating his powers at will. Not until his training with Zenpai, did shadowblazze create his two most devestating techniques Midnight sky and Dead zone.
Well that is pretty much the basic of Soul City and my main hero Shadowblazze. I am still in the works on this project and creating characters and many plot lines. Any feedback would be great. Thanks.
Hello, Darkness. Here are some thoughts and suggestions.
–I’d recommend spelling “Shadowblazze” as Shadowblaze.
–I like the name of Soul City. It’s got an interesting sound combination.
–I’m not sure I understand how Shadowblazze fits into the backstory. Is he one of the kids that was kidnapped when he was 5?
–What’s the hook here? Why should a publisher publish this story rather than another superhero story?
–What’s Khalil’s personality like?
–What’s the plot like? What is Khalil trying to accomplish?
–I don’t think being a professional martial artist is a particularly interesting side-job for a superhero.
–The origin story feels very removed from Khalil. I’d recommend considering an origin story that is tied to the actions of the character. For example, Static Shock had his accident because he was at a gang-fight. Wonder Woman won the Amazon trials because she is an impressive Amazon. Daredevil was hit by a truck full of chemicals because he pushed someone out of the way. In contrast, this origin doesn’t show us as much about Khalil’s choices and capabilities.
–Would you like a review forum?
To answer what you have written:
His father is one who was kidnapped at the age of five. And it is the children of those kidnapped who get the powers. The small round mark on the neck is an insinuation of genetic manipulation, that i didn’t go into detail about yet. But this didn’t affect the children, but their offspring, which is how Shadowblaze’s generation gets their power.
The hook for the story will be this. That one i am attempting to create something different. So as i read this entire site, it seems that all superhero stories will consist of the same things, i.e. day jobs, certain re-occurring powers etc. But what i am trying to accomplish with my story is more with creating a new interesting combination of powers and their use. Also the extreme ambiguity of what it is to be a hero, but also be human, subject to emotion and decisions. This isn’t going to be a standard hero is perfect story. I want it to be very graphic and extremely detailed in the sense of battles, and how a powered being uses their powers in an extremely human way, as well as exploring what a real person does when faced with moral choices. For example, To kill mercilessly a villain or evil being within the universe, or to take them into custody. Both choices have the same result of removing the evil threat, but what you choose to do reveals more of your personality. With that being said, i want to exploit that in some ways killing The enemy could be more human like than throwing them in jail.
Khalil’s personality is that he has become very mellow. In control type, level and even headed. He is a decision maker. Very strong willed, with a soft side for the subtleties of life. A Very reliable Friend in his normal life. However, he stands to protect, but his justice is unrelenting, and doesn’t hesitate in battle, and defeats his foe’s mercilessly.
Khalil is not the professional martial artist, his father is, and teaches Khalil the martial arts in extreme fashion. This harsh training from his father is the event that unleashes Shadowblaze’s power, hurting his father. Because of Khalil rage that day nearly killed his father, he vowed never to loose his cool in that manner again, which is why he becomes, a very level headed and in control. He doesn’t allow himself to lose control for fear that he may destroy innocent people. I havn’t made a decision on his day job yet.
My plot isnt 100 percent made up yet. For that matter neither was this character, but im trying to get pointed in the right direction. Here is what i have so far.
In the coming years after Khalil realized his powers, slowly but surely stories of other powered beings began to arise. News castings, and amateur video of amazing feats. Khalil instantly recognized that these individuals had powers such as himself. As time went on more and more began to show up. Most were found when they initially awakened. Then the crime began. Powered beings, robbing banks, mugging people, and so forth. By the time Khalil was 18 there was seemingly an outbreak of Powered crime. One night while walking home Khalil saw a woman being attacked. He ran over to help, and noticed that it was a powered being attacking the woman. For the first time outside of concealment, Khalil used his power in a battle with the unknown powered being. Khalil won the battle and decided he would do it again. From then on Khalil would recklessly go out looking to fight other evil powered beings. One night while out thrill seeking he came across a robbery. This would become the toughest battle he encountered to date. Khalil went in to find the family tied up and began a powerful battle with the powered being. Being pushed to his limit Khalil lost his level headed composure and became so enraged that he once again unleashed a powerful force. In this instant Khalil defeated the powered being, but also killed the family he came to protect. Wiped out and unable to move Khalil was saved by a man named Zenpai. Upon recovery, Khalil vowed to always fight and protect the innocent, and never let innocent people die again. It was then that the mysterious Zenpai told Khalil that he could train him and unlock his true potential, and from then forth he took on the Name Shadowblaze.
That is his basic motivation for fighting.
The rest of the universe unfolds with Zenpai. Who becomes Shadowblaze’s mentor. Zenpai and four others are the oldest of the powered beings. They are all ranging 28-30 yrs old. Zenpai was an orphan taken in by a man who ran a dojo. The genteman had many orphans with whom he adopted. Within the dojo the children trained and were taught martial arts. It was in this dojo where Zenpai and one other (not yet to be named) Where the top students. Their power were awakened together in a private lesson with the sensei. Upon this happening the sensei secretly trained the two to control their power, the best he could being a non powered individual. It would be this relationship that will spawn the future conflict of powered beings. Together the two dojomates found a way to become more powerful and unlock hidden potential in their powers. It would go on that These two were the only who knew the key to doing this. But in true fashion, one would choose the side of peace and the other for the side of power. It will also turn out that The man taking in the orphans knows more about powered beings than it seems.
Hopefully that clears some things up for you. It has definetely put some ideas in my head thanks for your feedback.
darknesslives.
you’ve got a good story line here! its pretty impressive.
i’m hoping you’ll explain later who took the 5 year olds and why. i’m kinda curious.
Secondly, what ever the people who took the children did, how come it only effects there children? not them.
“So, as I read this entire site, it seems that all superhero stories will consist of the same things, i.e. day jobs, certain re-occurring powers, etc.”
I don’t think you’re giving us enough credit. Some of us do try to come up with superheroes and concepts that are completely fresh. For example, how many superheroes do you know want to be movie-stars or models?
By the way, Hello Darkness. Nice to meet you.
Here are my concerns:
-If Khalil is a mellow character that will kill(?) his foes mercilessly, I doubt that will reflect well on his likability.
- That’s a lot of backstory. How would you go about handling to not make it look like a huge flashback.
-The origin story feels a little detached from Khalil. How necessary is it that the older generation be the one’s kidnapped and mutated? If it’s not that important, I think you can change it.
-I like Soul City, too.
Hello Ragged boy, nice to meet you as well.
My comment was not to discredit the site at all. I wasn’t talking about the stories that people have written, i was commenting about what is expected to be in a superhero story. It just seems so formulaic. This is just my opinion in general, that in order to have widespread appeal, that your hero have all of the same finite ideals that you can find in every single story.
The thing about Khalil is that his mellow in control personality, is his defence mechanism against his amazing power. That being said, as his regular self his personality is such, but as a hero he becomes more ferocious. Using his sense of control and sense of justice, as conviction to carry out his battle and or killings without becoming overwhelmed by emotion, causing his power to become uncontrollable as in times past. The overall feel that i want to come across in Khalil’s personality is that he isn’t a brute by nature, but for the right purposes he does what is necessary to be effective.
I want the tone of my story to be gritty, edgy, and borderline. In a world where most people are not definitively good or bad, but have to make choices. The same choices that you or i or anyone could be faced with. The purpose is to also explore those regions of ourselves that at times thirsts for chaos, that wishes for revenge, and use that in a context that is not so “right and wrong” based. The characters have the ability to do things that normal people could not do. In certain situations, if we had the ability to do things differently then we would. I wish to exploit that within powered beings who, are in a position to do things differently, because now that they have powers awakened within them, their choices become more of who the really are and what they truly believe. Its easy to be a face in a crowd and blend in with conformity, when you haven’t the power individually to make any change, but what if you had power? What if with your power you felt you could do something different, how would you do it, which ideals in life appeal to you now. That is what i wish to explore, what power manifests within the human heart.
About the back story, you make a good point. It does seem that there will be a sick flashback. I am working on it. i very well may start the story when Khalil is younger and go from there, instead of having to explain everything. But that is why this site is great because your feedback made me realize that.
This is also a good point. When wrote that, what i was going for was a bit of mystery about the genetic manipulations. I didn’t make Shadowblaze’s generation subject to the genetics, because i didn’t want to run in to the whole government experiment thing, and then a whole operational thing, i just thought it was overdone, as well as government isn’t my style. The reason i chose the parents is because, the would have been injected to be carriers of the genetic material, that would be passed down to their offspring. Also i didn’t want it to be so easy for people to know the identities of the powered beings. If i would have injected them directly then two things would happen, one it would be easy to trace the powered orogin to the children who were kidnapped. Two it would put a limit on how many powered individuals i could create. By having the offspring of the children get the powers i can create infinite characters and powers at different levels.
Thanks on Soul City.
Thank you for the feed back, please keep it coming. As you all give me feedback it helps me tweak my story.
Speaking of origins, here’s The Facade’s:
First, a bit of backstory: In this alternate reality of Earth everything is pretty much the same. Except the existence of superheroes has affected the history of the world, slightly though. Many people have come to accept costumed vigilantes and villains. The government has made acts and laws accordingly. One branch of superhero-ing is spokeshero, being a sponsored hero for pay. Usually, you don’t actually have to be a hero, you only have to do one heroic deed, but some actually are.
Jackson Grey in a high-school graduate and aspiring model. He lives on his own in New York and is constantly looking for model castings to find work. He’s taking a year-off from school to “find himself”. Unfortunately, he is unsuccessful in booking jobs. While out for a casting he is spotted by an amatuer designer for Masquerade Fashions. The designer introduced him to the relatively new company and offers him a position- as a spokeshero. They need a spokeshero to spread their name and gain them popularity. Jackson is reluctant at first, he never really got into the whole superhero thing, but he accepts. After all, he only has to do one heroic deed, right. And it would help him find recognition in the industry, right*. The lead designer gives Jackson the first prototype Facade suit. Consisting of only the mask and gloves at first. Upon wearing the costume he has an empowered perception and his gloves give off a negation shock capable of shocking people and stoping bullets via catching them.
(*A spokeshero must keep their identity secret to the public for safety reasons. However, the sponsor for that hero can disclose this information to other companies, upon the heroes consent. This is how a model can still get recognition and credit as a model)
He becomes Facade and embarked on a simple crime to stop. He spots a mugging and pursues the criminal who has stolen the bag. However, the criminal leads Facade into a crime den. From there Facade performs a relatively sloppy job (I’ll have to keep this sloppy, but make it as though he proves himself of some level of competentce) of apprehending most of the criminal. However, over the course of doing so he stumbles across something big. Because he made multiple busts on his first night out, he is catapulted to spokeshero stardom. This forces him to continue his work as the Facade, as part of his contract, and unraveling the mystery in question.
He’ll eventually go on to get the full version of his suit, including his blast boots. He’ll encounter Porcelain, his main competiton/love interest that gives him hell. And eventually they will join forces to stop the Big Bad.
It still has a lot of holes to work out, but I really like the concept. The main focus of the story is the reluctant romance between the Facade and Porcelain. So I’d, reluctantly, put it in the genre of Superhero Romance.
What do you think? Particularly, do you see any holes? I’ve seen most of them, but multiple opinions would be very appreciated.
Sharing his identity with other modelling agencies seems like a really big weak point. I hope that comes back to bite him, otherwise it might feel a bit cheap that his identity is so readily available.
I feel like the story is bending over backwards to include superheroes as models. I mean, it’d be one thing if it were just one model that happened to be a superhero on the side, but it seems like being a superhero/model is part of the modeling business in your world. That seems like a really odd way to run a modeling agency, and I think it would really help if your story presented a reason why the agencies run themselves that way. For example, perhaps the modeling agency is a front for something else, like a team of superheroes or a paranormal investigations agency, etc. Maybe the hero is going undercover as a model to keep another model safe. Etc.
Also, on an authorial distance note, I am not sure whether readers will be as interested in modeling as you are. That’s one reason I would generally suggest not giving the main character a job you have or want to have. This is a problem I’ve run into repeatedly…
Oh, ok.
I think I may just drop the setting and the idea and use the characters in a different story. Maybe that heist story I was thinking about. I like heist stories.
Know any heist story books?
This site is a godsend for me in my downtime of ‘authorhood’. I’ve been compelled to write the story playing in my head onto paper and make sense of it for the first time.
Here’s a summary.
A Detroit mob is on the brink of something that could be revolutionary. When one of the later plans is in motion, a member is gunned down by the police in front of his nearby team member/friend. Both were meeting at a rendezvous point to hand off the substance stolen from a chem lab. The substance is a hybrid mixture of liquid nitrogen and a super frozen sodium combine that combine into the coldest thing on Earth, which the mob leader needs for reasons revealed later. The police also shoot at the other team member, unknowingly hitting the vial hidden inside his jacket pocket, shattering the liquid compound into his bloodstream.
As you may have guessed, that gives this man (Kevin Scott) the ability to manipulate ice, but at a cost. His body slowly rejects the compound creating internal hypothermia as long as he is not using his newfound ability.
Now the question is: to be human or to be alive?
Can I get some feedback on my origin story? I’d really appreciate that.
It sounds pretty good, but I’d recommend replacing “Scott” with a last name that sounds less like a first name. I liked the source of his powers, but I don’t feel like I have a good feel for Kevin. What’s his personality like? What’s he trying to accomplish?
This might just be that I’m a sucker for artsy stuff, but I’m kind of intrigued by the idea that being human and surviving are mutually exclusive for him.
Hey, everyone. I just wanted to know what people think of the superhero I’m creating. He can make a forcefield around his body (like an invisible second skin) that can withstand any force but at a cost of becoming extremely exhausted. He can also shoot his forcefields to do a variety of things from knocking back enemies to devastating small buildings. His forcefields give him superhuman strength. I thought I’d give him a floors, so he has an extremely short temper.
What do you think?
Thanks for the input, B. Mac.
His personality is more to himself–so much so that I’ve written the story in both first person monologues and the third person tale.
His parents got in deep with the Brooklyn mob while he was just a child, and didn’t make it to see Kevin’s 12th birthday–if you know what I mean. Because he had nowhere else to turn he joined the group of people that ruined his life, looking for somewhere to fit. They ended up in Detroit because another gang has risen to their level and driven them out of town, Kevin and his group settle in Detroit trying to rebuild the fractured empire.
Since he does bad things, but at heart is a good person, he constantly talks to himself arguing out why he remains with the Detroit based ‘family’. Even when he gets his power/ability he regrets almost every action/reaction that appears when he tries to do ‘good’.
What he has planned though, is to find a way back to his hometown of Brooklyn, but understands he must stop the mob that is spreading the idea of a anarchistic revolution for the country in this time of economic distress, because of what he can do–and what he must do.
The head of the Brooklyn organization is the mysterious Kane, who is a cross between Fight Club’s Brad Pitt and Dark Knight’s Joker, in the personality department. He’ll go to extreme lengths to find the chink in the metaphorical armor.
I think there’s a lot of potential for Mary Sue angst in origin stories. Then again, the trend nowadays is ‘brooding superhero’. Traumatic events and the glorification of psychopathy.
Sax Man:
Your plot does sound quite interesting, but I ask: Have you done research at all on this topic? You know, gang sociology. Delving deeper into initiation rituals, omerta, etc. It would probably sound amateurish if you simply use knowledge from the media or your own preconceptions about gangs and whatnot. Gang life consumes people’s lives, and it is a large part of your main character’s life.
I’ve done some research, but I do like your idea of a better/indepth review of crime life. Also I actually have about a fourth of this story written and his life is already ‘consumed’ by this organized crime—which he tries to separate himself.
What i am curious of is: Am I able to post large segments of my written marterial on the site for constructive criticism and review?
If so, how.
You can post as much as you’d like. Although, smaller pieces are easier to review and less daunting to those that aren’t as reading enthused. I see you have a forum so you can post there.
Hey, Ragged Boy. In the rpg we are doing, what do you think of Kimberly and bori the cat demon?
I need an origin, but when I get one, I should be able to have a story for her.
I think it could make sense that Bori would be inside of her seeing as Bori is a demon and she did go to hell. You could say that when D made the deal to save her soul, as her soul was coming back Bori was the cat demon that got into her. And that can be the origin of her powers. Only later did the actually demon start to manifest itself. Hence, the event with Ros.
I don’t know if Kim have a strong enough personality to lead a story, especially with her mild retardation. I would prefer to read about her with the speech impediment. With a few tweaks, though, I think it could work.
she would make a great side chrater
and what kind of tweaks?
If you’re trying to make her a lead character, I’d recommend her loosing the speech impediment. She’d also need to gain at least one strong personality, she’s a good side character, but I don’t know if he personality is strong enough to lead. However, I suspect if you aged her to about 15 or 16, you could fix her speech and have her personality develop more. Right now, she’s just a cutesy kid with a demon in her.
You know, David, I’ve never asked you for your opinion of my characters. What do you think of Adrian? I don’t just mean in the RP, but in general. You’ve been around long enough to know him pretty well, I presume. What works about him? What doesn’t?
I think he’s good. His powers are fairly cool and he’s quick thinking. With what he did with Bori, he would make a great character in a story.
As for Kimberly, I’m gonna keep her a side character in any story I have.
Thanks, David, that means a lot to me.
Np lol.
Going back to Masquerade. After some thinking, I like your idea of turning the modeling agency into a military section. I’m getting rid of spokesheroes. But I’m keeping superheroes, albeit human ones.
I’m changing Jackson’s background, he is still an aspiring model, but he’s also a military recruit. He was born into a poor family so the only way he could afford to live in (Whatever) City and pay for college was to join the military. He went through training and is in the reserves (I’ll have to find out if that’s actually possible). And when a R&D branch of the agency hears about his special interests they think he is the perfect candidate for Operation Facade.
Operation Facade is a plan to field test military equipment deemed safe enough to wear. Because their cover is a modeling agency (or whatever) they have to make the gadgets and costume look stylish. Hence, the stylish hero.
Porcelain’s company is doing a similar mission. Although, it is unknown where she actually gets her equipment and who she is working for.
If I ever get to it, I would probably want this to be my first novel. But I could make it work as a comic.
What do you think?
I’m not confident about the military models idea. First, marketing. I think that the readers that are drawn to military action generally want intensely masculine heroes. (Please see GI Joe, Tom Clancy, Captain America, any Chuck Norris movie, Rambo, etc). A dual supermodel-soldier would probably compromise that. No offense to models, but modeling is not typically seen as a really manly field.
Second, it feels kind of… confused? I’m a bit worried about your statement that “I’ll have to find out if that’s actually possible” because it suggests that you’re taking realism pretty seriously here. However, I feel that this basic concept (the military using supermodels as a cover story) is so far into Zoolander territory that readers can’t take it seriously. In contrast, I think that Miss Congeniality works the government/supermodel angle more plausibly. An FBI agent goes undercover as a Miss America contestant to keep the contestants safe.
I think that your story needs a better underlying reason for why the military would use supermodels. In Miss Congeniality, the FBI places an agent in the contest because it’s the only way to get someone close enough to keep the girls safe. The pageant organizers don’t want to ruin the show by keeping armed g-men on stage. In your story, I can’t identify any reason why the military would cover up field tests by doing a fake modeling agency.
Here are a few big, obvious plot holes: 1) field tests have to be done in the field. I don’t know how a supermodel could do field tests. 2) It seems like a convoluted and not particularly effective way to keep the gear secret. Showing fashion photographers your gear before it is widely used doesn’t seem like a good way to keep it secret. 3) The military is very utilitarian and fiercely, fiercely unstylish. In short, I think that military supermodels (like DHS alligators) could only work in a highly eccentric story.
Here’s a different approach that might work more smoothly. The character is a superspy that is undercover as a supermodel. His police organization specializes in agents that have high-profile cover stories because people would rather blab to a supermodel or a celebrity than a cop. There’s no way Tom Brady is a cop… right? This premise is still pretty wacky, but I think it could work. What do you think?
Not sure about this as a novel. For one, I think this will be action-centric. As a rule, I think it’s easier to execute action in a comic book than a novel. Also, from what I’ve seen of your writing, I think you’re better at creating and managing short scenes than long ones. However, I’d love you to prove me wrong. If you’d be interested in doing the first chapter, I’d be happy to review it for you.
Ok, let’s drop the modeling edge altogether. It’s not working, maybe I’ll try it again down the road. Where else can Masquerade and Porcelain fit? What other types of stories could feature two stylized, gadget-toting heroes?
I guess I’m a fish out of water (or an alien out of spacecraft) when it comes to more humanistic stories. I guess I’m more suited to working with abstract things like aliens, this is definitely reflected in my art. Whereas, I struggle to grasp the human anatomy is more formal art stlyes.
“Also, from what I’ve seen of your writing, I think you’re better at creating and managing short scenes than long ones. However, I’d love you to prove me wrong.”
Don’t worry, I will…someday. Just you wait
“What other types of stories could feature two stylized, gadget-toting heroes?” I’m not sure how the stylized fits in there. If it’s just a gadget-toting character that happens to be stylish, I think that has worked out pretty well for James Bond, Batman, Ironman, Totally Spies, etc. In these cases, I think it helps that the stylishness is not a central part of the character or his origin story. James Bond wasn’t selected as 007 because of his stylishness, for example. He’s just a spy that happens to be stylish.
I get the feeling that you’re looking for a character that has some sort of super-stylishness as one of his central traits, maybe as part of his origin. Well, there was Team America… a national security team enlisted an actor because he was a master of disguise. I think that worked. Acting is definitely stylish, but he was recruited for a clear and logical reason (his disguise skills). In contrast, I don’t think that your concepts so far have presented a compelling reason why they need a character with a really stylish background. If the character is selected, I think the main issue is whether your side-characters are being properly motivated to hire the kind of character you want them to.
“I get the feeling that you’re looking for a character that has some sort of super-stylishness as one of his central traits.
No, I wouldn’t say it would be the central point. But it’d be part of the persona. But is it really that bad for a superhero to be stylish? Maybe they could fit in to a futurisic setting like the Batman Beyond one.
I’ll work with Masquerase later. I’m not giving up on the concept. Now I need to switch back into Showtime Mode and start planning these issues.
That sounds good. Let me know if you need any help.
How do yo feel about legacy characters? Ash is an Assistant District Attorney who’s dedicated to the law, (think Atticus Finch), but he is also the heir to a vigilante legacy dating back to the American Old West. All the men in his family have donned the same persona to fight crime (think The Phantom). Ash is a man torn between his legal ideals and his familial duty.
I can think of a few reasons readers might prefer a hero making his own superhero concept, but the conflict between his legal ideas and family duty sounds promising.
I’m writing this story in my spare time about this teenager (like eighteen or nineteen) who has been given her powers when she was around eleven and taken to her father’s work, a power plant. He dealt with chemicals and was wary about taking her there, but her begging just got to him.
When there an unexpected eplosion happened and he had died from it. She on the other hand had gained her powers which she didn’t know how to use (I’m still picking out the powers).
She finds out that her father’s death was not an accident but someone had planned it. She is devastated that she can’t do anything to avenge it because she doesn’t know how to use her powers.
Is that too… I don’t know cliche?
Is it good ?
Here are some thoughts and suggestions.
–It’s ok, but it lacks pizazz. In particular, I think that the main character could be a bit more distinctive. What’s her personality like?
–I think that the eight year gap between the father getting killed and the “present” of the story makes the plot less gripping and urgent. I’d recommend having her go to her father’s workplace and developing her powers at the age of 18.
This article was really useful. Butt how can I do the origin story for an evil organization?
PS: Although they don’t possess superpowers, they control the world.
Any help would be great.
Anonymous,
Be specific about the chemicals she was exposed to.
Research various chemical compounds ,
maybe you can find some with unique properties that you could add to her super powers.
Maybe there are experimental chemicals being developed that might have interesting effects on the body and mind.
“One example where the origin story leads to a random, jumbled story is Static Shock. Although he receives his powers in the same accident as his villains, he doesn’t share any other links with them (personal, ethical or otherwise).” I object to this statement: You simply must consider the Static-Hotstreak relationship, though, admittedly, Hotstreak isn’t exactly a major villian. And I don’t have anything else productive to add to the thread.
The only link that he shares with the villains is that they all became the way they were by Alva. I’d say Hotstreak is a major one, though not as major as Ebon. It did seem like he was going to redeem himself at the end, but then he and Ebon became that monster-thing. I would’ve liked to see what they had planning for future seasons/episodes.
With most of the villains, that would be accurate, but Virgil knew Hotstreak and had problems with him before either of them were metahumans. At least, that’s how it is on TV. The comics may differ.
I think it’s like that in the comics, too.
I’m not even sure if Hotstreak’s in the comics.
Hmm. According to Hot Streak’s Wikipedia entry, he’s the first villain in the comic book, too. I can’t remember.
To B. Mac
I like your site and I was starting to write about new comic book characters that I just made up, if you have the time can you tell me what you think about them. The name of the group is called Enigma, and I only have Michael Powers almost completed.
ENIGMA:
Michael Powers codename: DNA
Personality-serious, paranoid, conflicted, conscientious, reserved, insecure, disorganized
Powers-Healing, Hyper Senses, Bio-vampire, Biokinesis (his mind over your body), X-Ray Vision
Backstory- The story starts off with Michael Powers waking up from a coma. The reason why he was in the coma in the first place is because he accidently killed his mother and father during his fourteenth birthday party along with all his friends and their parents. The shock of seeing his parents melt away and only their clothes remain was too much for him to handle, so he went into a coma. Somehow he knew that he had caused their death. He had been in the coma for seven hours when he woke up. Michael starts walking around the hospital not being noticed until he interrupts an operation of a man who just died in the operating room, by putting his hands on him and bringing the man back to life. This both surprises and scares the doctors and nurses, which seem to not know what to do. One of the doctors picks up a phone and calls security while another tries to restraint Michael. While Michael was trying to free himself from the one doctor, two security guards came running into the room. Both security guards grabbed Michael while the doctor who had called them was moving toward Michael with a shot. That is when it happened again, all of a sudden everybody in the room started melting away, within five seconds there was nothing left but their clothes. All the people were gone, even the man that Michael just brought back to life. So Michael started running, and ran out the hospital and kept running, knowing that somebody would be looking for him for what he did. After two hours of running Michael came to a cemertary where he stayed the night, some/how he felt at home in that place. (What Michael Powers does not know is that he is the offspring of an alien and a human.)
Fallen Angel:
Personality- spiritual, over-idealistic, sheltered, conflicted, Does not understand humans, thief, untactful
Powers-Wings, Soul Sword, Spirit Form, Book of Life
Backstory-Fallen Angel is an angel that questions God’s motives and ways who gets thrown out of Heaven, but not before he steals the Book Of Life( the one that God is surpose to use to judge mankind with.) This sats in motion the forces of Heaven and the forces of Hell both trying to get the Book Of Life.
Nakita Brood codename: Wildcard
Personality- creative, dutiful, reckless, slutty, eccentric, impulsive, moody
Powers-Teleportation (Space), Temporal manipulation, Danger Sense
Backstory-A refugee in a war torn afican nation whose powers suddenly activate when her life is threaten. When her powers activated a group of men had just killed her father and mother and were going to rape her.
Lisa Myers codename: Biosphere
Personality- enlightened, self-centered, driven, elegant, eccentric, combative, arrogant
Powers-Formchanger (Fire, Water, Earth, Ice, Wind), Gravity
Backstory-Lisa Myers is a girl who goes to sleep and dreams that Mother Nature gave her an amlet, then wakes up to find the amlet embelded in her throat and that she can’t get it out without killing herself. Lisa also finds out that she is driven to insane levels to destroy anything that produces large amouts of pollution. And the air and water pollution makes her sick, because she is magically tied to the planet.
Kevin Becker codename: Interface
Personality- sophisticated, unstable, self-appointed, not human, analytical, dangerous, unprincipled, sel-fish
Powers-Cyber Powers, Shape-changer, Nano-Tech abilities, Magnetic abilities, Electrical abilities, Weapons Creation
Backstory-Kevin Becker is a normal teenager out with his girlfriend at the local park at night. There is only one old man in the park with them who is reading a paper under a street lamp. Suddenly a large glowing object falls from the sky and cras
hed into the park between where he and his girlfriend and the old man is sitting. His girlfriend starts running away, just as Kevin starts to turn and run away to the old man grabs his chest and falls to the ground begging Kevin to help him. For a minute kevin is torn between going over and helping the man, or turning and running away because he knows that the large object wasn’t from Earth. It was a hard decision but Kevin decided to help the man. While Kevin was going over to help the man, something hit Kevin and knocked him out. The next thing Kevin knew he saw, no more like felt a bright light start out small but keep on getting slowly bigger, also he started hearing voices like his body was in a dream state, and his mind wasn’t quite working right. It took him a long time but he finally realized that the voices he heard were people working on him. He keep asking himself why are people working on me?(Unknown to Kevin Becker he was not at a hospital but a secret military base being looked at and inspected by top people in their feilds because alien Nano-Tech had merved with him at the molecule level. And nothing like this has every happen like this before on the planet, so the defense department wanted to know how and why it happened.)
Chozen:
Maybe it was District 9 that ruined this for me, but I find the alien+human affair rather…disturbing? Considering that the evolution on a different planet would cause their aliens to evolve characteristics possibly unpleasant to the human’s viewpoint, but functional. Superman has the incredible odds of one in gazillion of actually turning out as a an attractive human. Also, if the alien in the equation is not as human-looking, it can come across as bestiality, depending if the human is the superior or inferior species. Yeah, I’m making a big deal about this.
It’s very thoughtful of you to give each and everyone of these characters specific personalities and backgrounds, but there are a few other things that are bothering me. It’s difficult to try to write the opposite gender, so input from the people around you might be great. I’m pointing this out as a female:Brood’s parents killed and she was almost raped…where did the sluttiness come out of? I understand that different people react with denial and acceptance differently, but you’re writing rape here as a plot device, it doesn’t sympathize well. It’s like, “Oh yeah, I got raped. Moving on…”. Rape is traumatizing, I’m not asking you to write to appeal to a previously raped audience, but don’t pass this off so easily to write an angsty past. Really. Generally, people previously raped get very defensive when people suddenly invade their personal space, they often mistaken affection for ulterior motives, view normally innocent relationships as pedophilic or disturbing. Who gets over it so easily, even with therapy?
Questions open to everyone:
1.Despite how sad this question would be on a topic such as this, how neccesary is an origin story? Comparing that kitty from Bolt(her name escapes me), and Timothy Mouse from Dumbo, for example. The kitty, even as one of the main characters, the audience is forced into a default origin story(declawed). Timothy Mouse, also one of the main characters in his movie, still serves as a charming character, without origin story. How can I tell the difference that a character must absolutely need a backstory at all?
2. Maybe it’s the anti-hero trend of the 90’s recurring again, but every main character nowadays must ABSOLUTELY have a traumatizing back story. I have 3 main characters, but the focus rests mainly on the female character of the trio. I understand an explanation or backstory is necessary to explain how she got a human body(a parasite took on a female human identity after invading into her host’s brain). However, how necessary is it to explain the other character’s origin stories? One male character was ‘harvested’ by selective breeding of specific genetic traits(considered the norm to him, but especially not to the reader), and the other I explained as an experiment(can mentally set off bombs and keep them at various places inside his body). But on this character, I just didn’t plan on explaining if his family died or not, how he got enrolled into the experiment, what he did in all those years inside the facility…would it seem unbalanced to the reader if one of the main characters doesn’t get his own trauma story?
“How can I tell the difference that a character must absolutely need a backstory at all?” I don’t think anyone absolutely needs a backstory.
I would recommend giving the character a backstory if there’s something really unusual that we couldn’t just infer. For example, if you’re using a mass origin story like mutants, we can infer that someone doing mysterious things is a mutant with a particular power. If you HAVEN’T introduced us yet to superpowers, we can’t just guess at where they came from. So we will probably be a bit disoriented when that fantastic element emerges. An origin story helps us make sense of these fantasy elements in a story that’s trying not to feel like a fantasy.
Also, I think the element of importance matters. If you’re dealing with a big superhero team and want to try individual origins (which will be quite difficult), you can probably gloss over the origins for the more minor characters but you’d probably want to put more time into the 1-3 most important characters.
Finally, I think that giving a villain an origin is generally less important, particularly if he’s not one of the POVs. If he has powers far beyond the ordinary for this story (like a person shooting fireballs in a story that’s otherwise like James Bond) you can give him an origin with a few well-placed lines. He was involved in pyrokinetic experiments in the military or something.
To Painted Staint and B Mac:
Thanks for all of your advice it was very helpful, and got me thinking. First I am going to drop the rape part of Naketa Brood’s story because as a male I would have trouble writing about a female character who was raped. Also I decided to write Enigma as five completely different short stories about five completely different people instead of trying to bring them all together as one group. Here is a rewrite of Naketa Brood.
To anyone else, if you have the time can you read my rewritten characters and tell me what you think, all comments goood or bad are welcome. Thank you.
Naketa Brood codename: Wildcard
Personality- creative, dutiful, impulsive, moody, loyal
Powers-Teleportation (Space/Time), Temporal manipulation, Danger Sense
Backstory:
He grabbed my shoulders and made me look into his eyes.
“Naketa, look at me, and listen carefully.”
We were both breathing heavily, from running so fast.
“You have to go back. ”
He paused. “I made a lot of mistake-”
I had to interrupt. “No Ash, WE.”
“Alright, WE made a lot of mistakes. Starting around five years ago, when we got in the middle of this mess. Sometimes lies feel better than the truth. And that’s what you have to do, you have to go back, and make sure we stay ignorant. You’ll remember everything that has happened, so you’ll know exactly how to fix it. You can live a peaceful future, and forget this time, which will become only a memory.”
It was all happening so fast, I didn’t understand what he was getting at.
“But-”
“No.”
He cradled my head in his hands.
“You are going back. And you’re going to change this awful future. Just promise me one thing, don’t forget me, and the few things we did together.”
He looked on the verge of tears, and I felt I should be, but I was almost too sad to cry. He turned to leave, but then came back.
“There’s one mistake I made, that I’d never want to erase.”
Very quickly, I was in his arms, and his lips were firmly pressed to mine. It had started a very suddenly, a very full kiss. And it only continued to become more so as I felt his tongue enter my mouth. I then realized exactly what I was doing, I had my arms around his neck, and one hand was drifting up into his black hair. My lips were moving just as frantically around his, filled with the equal passion, and hope, that just maybe our problems could be forgotten and we could continue as people were meant to live. His arms pulled me closer, melding my body into his. I tried to hold on as he pulled his lips off mine, but he still held me fast against him, and I didn’t want him to let go.
“I fell in love with you.” he said.
I just held onto him tighter, he knew my reply, he knew I felt the same way. And we both knew there was nothing ahead for us. He looked into my eyes, caring.
“Turn around, and close your eyes. Please do not look back. Just remember me, this me.”
He released me, and I was instantly void of his warmth. But I obeyed, turning around, and slowly closing my eyes. There was a beeping noise. One shot. One gasp. One thud.
I knew what had happened, and even though I couldn’t see, I could still picture it. His lifeless form lying there, his lips that were just seconds ago on top of mine, dripping with blood. I felt so angry, I was so sad that it made it impossible for me to cry, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t cry for him. As I opened my eyes, I felt a single tear escape, I watched it drop onto the floor.
It was the last thing I saw before I disappeared.
(A different place and time.)
It was like a blink. Nothing more, nothing less. I tripped as I took a first step, and my face met the ground much faster than it should’ve. Dirt and grass was spit from my mouth. I stood up, and finally realized that I’d changed. My eyes drifted to my clothing, jean shorts, yellow tank top. In the back of my mind I knew what had happened, and what to expect, but I never really believed it before.
“There you are Naketa!”
My head turned immediately at the sound of my name, and I gazed upon a much younger Ash. He still had the cap, that hid his marvelously uncontrollable black hair.
“Let’s get back to camp, Brock has dinner ready.”
I watched him pause and cock his head.
“Are you okay Naketa? You look a little pale.”
I quickly put on a forced smile.
“I’m fine! Let’s go!”
Ash started walking ahead, and I just followed, still in a daze. My legs didn’t feel right, being so much shorter than I was used to. But the one thing I couldn’t understand was how?
How did I go back?
“NAKETA!?”
Again I was jerked back to reality and frantically looked around for the source.
“Naketa, you were walking straight out of camp!”
“Oh, um yea. I was just daydreaming!”
Ash got a very puzzled expression, then shrugged. A new voice came to my ears then, no, not new, I just hadn’t heard it in a very long time.
“Hey, you guys! Dinner is ready!”
Brock. I just sat down and ate the delicious food, silently. I thought about what I needed to do now. Ash had said to keep us ignorant, or more so, keep them ignorant. And I knew what was going to happen, so it would be easy, right?
But I couldn’t remember, it was long ago, and I had desperately been trying to block it out for years now. Unbeknownst that it would later be critical information. I suddenly remembered how it started, at least most of it, but it was enough.
What time was it now?
What day?
I had to know, so we could run……and fast.
“Ash, please tell me, quickly. What day is it? And what time?”
“Well, it’s Thursday, and-” He pulled out his watch, and pressed a button.
“It’s 5:23PM. But why do you want to know?”
My fingers rested over my lips, I was trying to remember, it had been Friday. I think. Could we spend the night here?
Yes, nice and rested so we could run the next day.
“Naketa, you’re acting strange, what is wrong?”
What was wrong?
Many, many things were wrong with the seemingly perfect reality they knew. There were enemies all around.
“I’m just really tired, I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning Ash, don’t worry.”
He scooted a little closer to me and peered questioningly into my eyes.
“Since when are you so nice to me?”
Why on earth would I be mean?
I was always nice to him, wasn’t I?
Again a revelation hit me, of what I used to be. Circumstances made a big change on me, I was almost a whole different being. But how could I fake my old self?
I put on a more sarcastic voice, one that I hadn’t used in ages.
“I already TOLD you Ash, I’m tired. I don’t have enough energy to argue with you!”
Then he smiled, content with the fact I sounded ‘normal’ again.
I slipped into my sleeping bag, and rested my head. Ash and Brock were still eating and talking over by the fire, and my thoughts drifted to what had happened earlier, or rather later.
The kiss mostly, the warm feeling of Ash’s lips, and how right it felt. And then he was gone, and yet he was sitting only a few feet away from me now. I thought of the future, I thought of my past, I thought I wasn’t tired, and yet I slept.
It was still dark, but we needed to get going. I slid partially out of my sleeping bag and started shivering frantically. Every part of my sensible mind said to curl back up in the warmth and rest some more, but I couldn’t. With clenched teeth I stood up and instantly started shuffling my feet. The ground was cold, my arms were cold, and the bones in my legs felt as if they vibrated. Why did I wear these clothes?
I made a mental note to re-do my wardrobe as soon as possible.
“ASH.”
I think it was the sound of teeth chattering that woke him, rather than the sound of his name being hissed. He just opened his eyes and squinted at me.
“Ash, we need to go. Please just wake up Brock and get packed.”
He was still squinting at me.
“Wha? Why?”
I sat down beside him as he sat up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t explain because you wouldn’t understand.”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to leave in the middle of the night, for no reason, because I wouldn’t understand what you won’t explain?”
The tone of his voice was strange, it almost hurt. He thought I didn’t trust him, but I couldn’t tell the truth! He wouldn’t believe the truth.
I leaned over and kissed him very lightly, and shortly on the lips. Maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was because he wasn’t wearing his hat, maybe I was addicted to him after the first kiss. But I just ran afterwards, I ran and sat down behind a tree. Because I honestly didn’t know what to do!
Then I heard noises, Ash was packing, and it sounded like Brock had gotten up too. I couldn’t help but smile, maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
All of us were soon traveling in the darkness. I knew what had happened last time, and I was extremely determined not to let it happen again. I led the group as far away, as quickly as I could. It was soon dawn, and then almost noon.
We stopped and sat down to break for lunch when there was one shot, and Brock fell, dead.
I gasped, how could they have found us?
We were far away! Unless…..unless they had been following us. And that would mean it was inevitable, I couldn’t prevent this from happening!
“Run Ash!”
We were off at a full sprint, adrenalin pumping. It came as a total shock when I felt excruciating pain and my leg gave way. How could I be shot?
I hadn’t been shot last time!
Then it came to me.
(FLASHBACK)
The sound of electricity cracking came to my ears as I continued to run. A gun shot was heard, but I kept running. But what hurt the most was Ash’s scream.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
(FLASHBACK)
I must have been crumpled in a heap on the ground, looking pitiful, but I closed my eyes and prepared for the inevitable. A shot rang out, but the pain didn’t come, just a heavy weight on my back. Was I dead?
But I managed to open my eyes and……there was Ash, he had blocked the bullet. And the only word I could think of was: failure. Look at what one little mistake made! Look at how easy it was to fail! I had a whole other chance, and look at how quickly I had failed.
And what to do now? There was nothing to live for! Nothing!
I just closed my eyes, wishing I could’ve done something with a chance, wishing I had done anything but fail.
I didn’t dare to open my eyes again, so they stayed closed for the longest time. That caused me to fall asleep, and thus, I woke up.
The surroundings looked familiar, but the havoc and terror didn’t seem to be visible anymore. Ash was not there. Now what had happened!?
My head ached with the confusion of it all. Now accustom to my much smaller body, I got up and notice that I wasn’t shot. Then I started walking a bit, only to meet the last person I’d expected.
“ASH!?”
My mouth was agape, as I awed at the fact he was perfectly unharmed.
“Hi Naketa, I was just looking for you. Brock has dinner ready.”
Confusion, and utter confusion. I just couldn’t understand what was going on! This had already happened, and now it was happening again! Did I get another chance?
That was defiantly what it appeared to be. This time would be different, but unfortunately that meant it had to be the same as the first time, the very first time. The beginning would have to be the same, Ash would have to find out a little bit, but not all.
Again I faked a sarcastic and playful voice, imitating my former self.
“Ok Ash, I’ll race you there!”
It was dark, and I again found myself in my sleeping bag. But this time I had nothing planned. Unfortunately I had to live out this day just as before, I had to watch two close friends die. Again. I had already tried to stop it, and it didn’t work, they were following and there was no way to get away from that. I banged my fist against the ground. What was I supposed to do after!?
Just hide…….forever? I….guess that….could work. And I just HAD to remember to act like my old self, more problems could arise if I didn’t. But now I have to surrender to this enemy called sleep.
When I finally re-opened my eyes it was well into the day. The glint of dew was gone from the ground. Ash was a few yards away, and I couldn’t see Brock. He was off getting water. Strange knowing the future, strange changing it, strange living the past over again.
I was so tempted to ask Ash what time it was, but would the old Naketa really have done that?
Brock would be shot when he returned, which could be any moment now. I scurried out of my sleeping bag and rolled it up. It really was a beautiful day, I just never really paid attention, with my mind on other things. The sun was high and radiant, a sleeveless shirt allowed my shoulders to feel the internal warmth it gave. Only a light breeze, just enough to let the forest dance. And shadows haunted the floor, almost silhouetting the disaster to come in this picturesque setting.
We were all just so innocent. I glanced over at Ash, carelessly living life without a notion, even a hint, that this was a turning point. Sad isn’t it?
Nowhere to be cowardly, no time to be strong. And that leaves you to feel it, just let it all come at you full force. I could feel the muscles in my fists tightening. How could life be so cruel?
Look at us! Just look! We were happy, with goals and dreams, and fantasies. And all that can be ripped away so easily. No matter how far you reach for them back, your hands return empty, clutching nothing but the darkness. Yes…..it was a good thing we were strong. It was a good thing Ash was strong.
The sound of rustling brush was what I heard next. And at that I lowered my head.
“Oh Naketa, you’re up-”
Brocks voice was cut short by the gun shot. It was sounding all too familiar, almost just like it was part of the scenery, no different than a Spearow’s cry. That distinct sound of a last breath, you can always tell by the sorrowful screech it leaves in your head. Almost screaming “And there will be no more.” Then there’s the falling, the thud of a lifeless form against the living ground. I could never bear to watch.
Ash yelled “Brock!” then quickly ran to his side. He held his fingers to Brocks neck, checking for a pulse.
“Naketa…he..he’s….dead.”
I ran and kneeled down next to him, also surveying Brock’s lifeless form. Cautiously peering into his face I saw a couple tears slither downwards to meet the ground, then suddenly his sad expression changed to one of almost anger. He whispered at me through clenched teeth.
“Who would do this?”
And then a shot rang out again, barely missing my own body. At that Ash screamed “RUN!” And that was exactly what I did, exactly replicating what I had done before. Except this time I remembered to grab my sleeping bag.
“Ash, we have to get out of here!”
His face was wet with tears, but he still had a sense of control about him. We both ran now, together, anywhere but that clearing in the forest. I couldn’t feel my feet moving, adrenalin was empowering them to speeds I never knew possible. And we just kept going.
It must have been hours later. The shoes that covered my tired feet were caked with dust; I was just so thankful to stop and sit down. Ash was seated beside me, and his face looked hard and cold. Our heavy breathing was all I could hear, until Ash spoke.
“I think we lost them. I hope we lost them. But who were they? And WHY WOULD THEY BE AFTER US?”
He was seriously upset. And so was I in fact, even thought I knew all about it.
“I’m not sure,”
A lie, right there.
“But at least we got away safely, and we can just keep hidden.”
Isn’t that what Ash had told me to do? Keep ourselves out of danger instead of searching for it like we had before?
“No Naketa! We can’t! I have to find out who murdered Brock”
“We don’t stand a chance! Don’t you see that? Even if we did find them they have guns and we don’t!”
“Well then what do you propose we do? Just stay here in the forest and hide forever? Never knowing anything or getting any answers?”
We were both lying down but propping ourselves up with our hands. Oh if only Ash knew what the future was! If only he could see that knowing nothing WAS really the best! I knew he was too stubborn to convince now, when he had just witnessed everything and was enraged. So I neutralized the situation.
“Lets just stay here awhile. We can think about it and get a plan, this isn’t anything to mess with!”
With that his voice softened, he turned away with his head down.
“I thought I knew you better Naketa, I thought you would want to get back at whoever did this. But I see you’re just a coward.”
Oh that hurt, especially coming from him. I really hadn’t been this way, I had been just as fiery as he had been, maybe more. HE had actually been the one to come up with the idea to wait, and settle down, but that had been after another attack.
I released the death grip that was holding a sleeping bag. The fabric was cold as I rolled it out along the ground, then slipped in fully clothed. I started shivering. But the sun was up, and the wind was down. Now I was punishing myself; how could I act that way?
You’re not acting the way you would’ve, and what if you loose Ash all together?
I turned my head. His back was towards me, and his right hand drifted against his face then returned. Wiping tears probably. Ash had a lot to cry about his ever faithful friend, Brock the brotherly figure. And now me, acting totally out of character. I was making this harder.
“I’m sorry, Ash.”
I saw his head turn at my voice. Bloodshot eyes met mine.
“I said ‘I’m sorry.’”
With a shaky voice, and through clenched teeth he replied.
“I heard what you said.”
This was definitely wrong, he looked…..furious. So I moved a little closer, slithering in my sleeping bag.
“What’s the matter?”
His eyes narrowed and gleamed glassy like a cobra.
“I want revenge Naketa.”
It had happened so fast. But now it was anger, a great hatred towards those who had brought all the suffering upon him. And who could blame him?
I had felt the same way; the two of us had harnessed it, and controlled it, together. But I cannot act that way now! Is it required that I act?
I can’t burst out in tears, I can’t fake a rage.
“I want revenge too…”
My voice cut off there as the words finally sank in to my own consciousness. Damn right I wanted revenge! So I had to say it,
“..You don’t know how much I want it.”
Finally a response, he turned his head slightly to stare at me. And said “But I want it now. I want to track them down and assault them with my bare fists.” he said.
I ran my tongue across dry lips,
“You wouldn’t get revenge by killing yourself.”
He didn’t respond, so I kept going.
“They’re sure to come after us, so why don’t we be ready? A plan to find out who they are, exactly.”
Or I could just tell you Ash, but……that wouldn’t be fair, and you wouldn’t want to know.
His head moved in a gentle nod.
“It’s impossible for us to find out who’s behind this just by waiting for them to attack, we have no defense. I say we learn to fight.”
I suddenly realized at how little I’d done to change anything, because this was almost exactly what had happened the first time. But, what could I do?
Now was the time to rack my brain for ideas.
“I think I have an idea….” I said.
I was thinking about the origin of another one of my characters, Lisa Myers, and decided to rewrite her also. Please if anyone has the time let me know what you think. Thanks, the Chozen.
Lisa Myers codename: Devastator
With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.
Her mind raced how could he have found her, she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.
She could hear him screaming to her to come back. Mind racing though her thoughts and also trying to comprehend all of it she looked around frantic.
Garbage was strewn across the cold darkened ally; it smelled of rotten fish and salad dressing. She ran further into the ally and quickly ran behind a Dumpster. She hit the brick wall and cut her left arm on the Dumpster. Hissing softly she grabbed her arm and slid down the side of the wall and grabbed her knees. She tried to steady her breathing.
“LISA!” He yelled.
She could hear him running down the ally. She needed to find a way out.
“Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”.
“No” her mind said just stay here. The air seemed to thicken and every thing seemed to close around her. He slammed the Dumpster, he was right next to her. She closed her eyes and hoped to god that he wouldn’t find her.
Her heart pounded so hard in her ears it drowned out the traffic on the street.
It pounded so loud she could swear he heard it.
“Ah LISA, There you are” he chuckled softly.
Her heart skipped a beat “No” she said softly. He had found her. This was it, she was never going to see light again!
He snorted “you pathetic little bitch Get UP!”
He grabbed her by her arm and stood her up to standing position. She flinched and tried to burry her face, and not look at him, wishing she could be anyone but her. “Click Click” it was the gun, no this wasn’t happening she thought. She looked up into a gun and her heart dropped, she felt fear in the pit of her stomach.
“look at me!” he growled and grabbed her head and forced it up.
She swallowed “I can’t if you have that gun in my face!” she said in a harsh whisper.
He chuckled “well you finally talking to me ain’t you” He drawled.
“well” he moved the gun and held it under her chin. She looked him in the eyes and he sneered. Lisa began thinking back how it all started.
Rays of light shined on Lisa’s face; slowly she opened her iced blue colored eyes and it was a sunny day. She looked around to glance at the clock radio for the time.
“Its 7:45 oh shit I’m late for first period!”
Lisa exclaimed angrily jumping out of bed and reaching for her clothes that she picked up last night in case something like that would happen, after she slipped into a black slipknot shirt and tight emo pants, she ran into the bathroom and brushed her teeth and combed her hair and ran out to the living room downstairs, and out the door. Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B”. She raced his mom to her truck because it was ten minutes until 8:00 and class started at 8:05 and they still had to pick up her friend Nicole Nickeson, she was one of Lisa’s best friends in the world, and she had asked her mom a long time if they could give Nicole a ride to school every day. When the blue Toyota Tacoma pulled up at Nicole’s drive way, Nicole was already outside and ready to go, she climbed in and greeted them happily and asked what took them so long, Lisa explained to her what happened.
“My stupid clock radio was unplugged and my alarm didn’t go off to wake me.”
She said still pretty pissed at himself because she unplugged it so she could plug in her laptop, so it could recharge as she typed her essay for U.S History class. When they pulled over at the school’s student parking lot Lisa’s cell phone vibrated and she flipped opened it to see what was up and she saw on the little screen that she had received a text message from her boyfriend Barrett Finch. Who had by the way been a senior at the time, they were a couple for about two months. Barrett was a well build guy, he had light brown hair and nice pretty brown eyes that caught Lisa’s attention, but it wasn’t all about looks, the thing that caught Lisa in Barrett’s spell was his personality, she loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers. Where they met was at their period class, they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured, she walked to the side of the rail and saw Barrett playing with the baby of one of the women that were measuring them. She liked how he made the baby laugh and they way that he laugh with joy also, she could see that some day Barrett was going to be a good father and she’d liked to see his child grow up. From that moment she realized that she loved him right then.
She read the text message in her mind slowly so she wouldn’t miss a single word, it said.
“Hey where are you? School is going to start any minute!”
Lisa replied to the message saying that she was already at the student parking lot. And that she should meet him there since they both had U.S History together. After they got out of the car and said goodbye to her mom, they waited for Barrett at the student parking lot which it was crowded by cars.
“Lisa!”
Someone yelled out her name and Lisa turned and saw Barrett sort of jogging towards her and Nicole.
“Hey.”
Louis hugged her warmly.
“Hi Nicole.”
He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug.
“Hi”
She greeted back.
“you guys are such a cute couple.”
she smiled. They walked out the parking lot and went on the school’s quad where all the kids would hang out before school started.
“Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?”
Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded.
“Okay, see you guys later.”
She excused herself and made her way to the library after Maribel Garcia.
“Finally I got you all to myself.”
Lisa said smiling at Barrett as he had a smile across his face too.
“Oh really? Are you planning on seducing me?”
Barrett teased as pulled Lisa closer to him.
“Only if you promise to seduce me first.”
Lisa answered him sexually. “Oh I will.”
Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step. As they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung letting the student body know that it was time for first period. They walked to their first period class holding hands and cuddling like they always did every morning of a school day.
During U.S history Barrett and Lisa sat next to each other sending notes to one another. They would write how much they loved each other, and asked what were they’re plans for the weekend to see if they could go out on dates. Or do something else with each other, they normally went to the movies and sat in the very back to make out once everyone was out of the theater because the movie was over. Last July they went to see the movie called “Ultra Violet” it was an action flick, two guys from school started talking loud and throwing hpopcorn, until Barrett got frustrated by their immature behavior and decided to get up and beat the crap out of them and he did.
All four of them got kicked out of the AMC for a month because of the rough housing. Barrett passed a note to Lisa as Mr. Secoda was showing slides on the projector on the white board, Lisa unfolded the note and just started to read it when Mr. Secoda snatched it out her hands and took a glance at it and said.
“Do you have something you want to share with the class ?”
He asked Lisa and she shook her head nervously as she tried to swallow in the humiliation, but some how she couldn’t. Her throat was too dry.
“What do you think class? Should I read out loud?”
He announced at the students and everyone cheered and yelled yes. As Mr. Secoda read out loud the note, Lisa felt that she was getting warmer and warmer by the second. She didn’t care, she just focused on her hatred for Mr. Secoda, she felt this power surging through her and her hearing came back. She could see Mr. Secoda laughing with the note still in his hand and then the note suddenly self distructed in Mr. Secoda’s hands.
Mr. Secoda screamed, and screamed for help as a students ran to get the fire extinguisher to use on his chest,hands and face. Mr. Secoda was badly burn, his hand got extremely burnt and his hair burnt away. When the ambulance got there , Mr. Secoda had to be given knock out drugs because he couldn’t stand the burns. And once they stuffed him in ambulance Lisa was still shocked at what had just happened in front of her. But the question that kept running through her mind, “Was she responsible for what happened to Mr. Secoda?” He couldn’t ease her mind but she knew that was impossible. No one could do things like that with their minds. “Or could they?” She thought to herself but she decided that it was simply impossible and that she should just put it behind her. “Besides Mr. Secoda was playing with fire and if you played with fire you are guaranteed to be torched.” She said in her mind and smiling on the outside.
When lunch came mostly everybody was talking about the “Incident” that happened to poor Mr. Secoda, girls were whispering in each others ears and guys were saying how cool it was that Mr. Secoda got hurt because they hated him so much. Lisa, Barrett, and Anna Pandell were sitting in their favorite lunch table by the baseball field, and they all ate their lunch except lisa. Who was still pretty shaken up about Mr. Secoda, all that screaming Mr. Secoda did took away her appetite.
“What’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your lunch.”
Barrett said concerned as he rubbed his hand over Lisa’s stomach.
“I’m just not very hungry that’s all, I mean seeing someone being hurt like that does that to you.”
Lisa replied looking at Barrett.
“I know. But it’s best not to think about it.”
Barrett suggested leaning Lisa’s head on his shoulder for comfort.
“All this time wishing for something horrible to happen to Mr. Secoda being so hard on account of others feelings, I feel terrible.”
Anna answered regretful as she looked at them shocked, Lisa felt ashamed because she felt that Mr. Secoda received what he deserved. A few minutes the bell rung for the sixth period to begin, and for all students to clean after themselves and head to their classes. Anna said goodbye to them because they didn’t have the same class and also because after sixth period was over everyone goes home, Barrett hugged Lisa.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
he asked looking into her eyes for an honest answer.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’ll call you when I get home.”
Lisa replied to him as she ran her fingers in Barrett’s hair.
“Alright.”
Barrett kissed her and then went their separate ways. Barrett headed home because he had no sixth period since he was a senior, technically he needed go home after fifth period but he enjoyed having lunch with Lisa and Anna.
As Lisa entered in her theater class and headed to her seat she was interrupted by Rafael Barajas, he stepped in her way to say.
“Hi.”
She answered back to him annoyed. Lisa did not like Rafael at all because he would come in between Anna and her and that really pissed her off. Because she didn’t like sharing Anna with such a poser.
“So have you talked to Anna lately because when ever I like call her, she is never home and also I’ve noticed that she’s not around school.”
Rafael asked her out forward.
“Gee I wonder why?” Lisa said sarcastically.
As he put her backpack down underneath her chair.
“What?”
Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call. She would ask Anna if she wanted to talk to him but her answer was always the same.
“No”
So Mrs. Pandell would make excuses like.
“Oh honey she’s taking a shower, she’ll have to call you back.”
That one usually made him call the following day.
“Oh she told me to tell you that you’re so fucking annoying and to stop stalking her!”
Lisa lied angrily as Rafael’s jaw lowered in shock, Lisa took a breath and replied.
“I’m just kidding, she told me to tell you that their phone is out of order and their getting it fixed so you shouldn’t call even if it sounds like it just rings.”
Lisa lied again but this time Rafael nodded disappointed. “I think Anna’s his only friend…what a fucking loser…oh well what’s done is done.”
Lisa said inside her head as he saw Rafael walking away to his seat. The class had begun and Mrs. Klein was showing the parts of the stage. Because we were going to be tested this following Friday and we had to learn every part of the stage, or otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pick a partner for a scene. And of course it had to be assigned by Mrs. Klein, Lisa hated Mrs. Klein much more than Mr. Secoda and she wished that Mrs. Klien had gotten burn along with Mr. Secoda. Lisa couldn’t hold in her laughter so he let it out for the whole class to hear, just the thought of them burning brought laughter into her mind.
“Do you mind telling the class what it is that you find so funny that you have interrupt my lesson?”
Mrs. Klein asked her in a bitchy tone, lisa wanted to tell her that she was laughing because she found her burning with Mr. Secoda hilarious…no genius.
“Oh um….”
Lisa couldn’t make out the words for a good lie.
“Look we don’t have time for your stupidity, so just keep your mouth shut!”
Mrs. Klein snapped, and turned and faced the board.
“Bitch”
Katie cussed Mrs. Klein in the behalf of her, she turned to see Mrs. Klien next to her and she tried to keep in her laughter down, but she couldn’t. She laughed for Mrs. Klein to hear her.
“That’s it, I’m filling out a referral for you!”
Mrs. Klien answered angrily as she took a seat at her desk and started filling the form, lisa felt that feeling again, she went deaf and started to get warmer and all she focused on was the snow glove directly below Mrs. Klein face. Her eye sight suddenly zoomed in at the snow glove like a digital camera, and suddenly the snow glove shattered stabbing Mrs. Klein with broken glass in her face. Mrs. Klien screamed in terror and pain, because some of the glass had stabbed inside her eyes, blood ran down her face and everyone freaked out and a student went outside of the class to get help.
Another ambulance was called to the High School, Mrs. Klein wouldn’t shut up she kept screaming in pain, Lisa wished she would have been caught on fire just like Mr. Secoda, at least he was a little quieter. School was dismissed early on count of the other “Incident”. Lisa felt conscience free because she felt she wasn’t responsible for the freaky coincidence that occurred today. First Mr. Secoda and then Mrs. Klein gets it. “Am I causing these weird occurrences? Do I have this ability that ends up hurting the people that I hate…Nah?” She reassured herself as she walked to the bus stop with Nicole.
“I can’t believe two teachers got hurt today in just one day!”
Nicole said to Lisa a little bit freaked out.
“Yeah and I was the witness to both of them.”
Lisa answered stiffly as she thought back. That feeling she felt when Mr. Secoda read his note from Barrett out loud to the whole class. She felt angry and full of rage, maybe these accidents are triggered within her. Maybe she had the gift to cause things with her mind. And maybe she had “Telekinesis” the ability to move or shatter things with her mind. She then realized that she had put two people in the hospital because of her uncontrollable anger and rage within her.
When the bus arrived they both climbed in and took a seat next to each other, Lisa took the window seat. The bus drove off and Lisa looked outside and thought that she will put these so called powers to the test. She thought back at Mr. Secoda’s laughter and how he made fun of her, and then suddenly she felt stronger. And she looked outside, a road filled with cars, she focused on a truck with a cargo of helium tanks. Her vision zoomed in at the tanks, and out of nowhere the tanks exploded, making every car near it started flying in mid air.
“Oh my god!”
Lisa yelled pretty freaked out.
“I did do those things.”
No one on the bus heard her because everyone on the bus turned to look at the exploding cars because the first explosion made them get caught on fire also.
When Lisa got home she admittedly went to her room, locked the door and turned on her television to see the news. She turned to channel 9, a reporter was standing ten feet away from the tragedy.
“I’m here where helium tanks just combusted causing major mayhem,our sources tell us that there are no survivors….twenty five people have lost their lives.” the reporter said.
Lisa turned off the T.V. rapidly not wanting to hear more.
“Oh my god what have I done…I’ve killed innocent people…but I didn’t mean to.”
She talked to herself trying to convince herself of her innocence in all of this. She climbed in bed and laid scared, crying in tears, she cried herself to sleep.
The next day lisa left her home, her family, and her life.
She awoke with a start, cold sweat running down her forehead. The sun shown bright and she squinted against it. Whipping her forehead with the back of her hand she grunted and sat up in her vehicle. It was still morning, The birds sang and the mist rolled across the wide fields. Lisa quickly pulled her long curly blond hair back into a pony tail. She then got out of the back seat, looking around, she saw no sign of a place or town. Lisa slammed the car door shut and walked to the front, She slid into the seat wondering if her dream had been real. She put the keys into the ignition and with one turn the thunderbird roared to life. She quickly sped off. What a mess I got myself into. She thought to herself. Why would they still be after me? She had no where to go. She had gotten rid of her mother’s credit cards, they ransacked her mother’s home so there was nothing worth salvaging. They had her parents threatened if they held any thing from them they would kill them. She sighed. She blocked out every thing, right now she needed a place to stay and a job so she could start all over again. Maybe some place in the middle of no where, that sounds good. She thought. Driving off.
I’m probably being a terrible editor this way, but I admit to have skimmed your story. However, I did read more of the beginning more carefully, but it suddenly became so, um, mundane, where Lisa was running away from someone/something, but I lost interest right about until Lisa was passing notes with Barrett, and getting in trouble with the teacher.
The beginning was cliche, but it caught my interest by putting the character immediately into action. Relatively, that is. I’m sure there is a better way of introducing the character, because after the chase sequence, the cut back scene of her ordinary life didn’t do justice for the established intro. This part is supposed to make the character more relatable to the reader(which I’m assuming is the 11-17 demographic), but it felt rather boring to read through. It’s delaying the action, and telling me as a reader that Lisa was late for school and she wears emo pants(also, using stereotypes as descriptions from a first-person omniscient view is rather distasteful, it works only if it’s from first-person pov describing someone else). A lot of writers do this, from the amateurs to the professionals(for example in Twilight, the reader does not need to be told that Bella ate a granola bar for breakfast today). It stales the action that you already foreshadowed in the beginning, and my interest dropping from then afterwards.
I know you won’t focus too much on Lisa’s school life, but that was also somewhat a gripe for me too. Once again, I have to point out another string of cliches here. Cliches can be effectively used, but as first time writers, they’re generally not recommended to incorporate into the plot. I’ve probably lost count how many times I’ve watched a tv series, read a story, played a game, and they always feature the main character as late(Sailor Moon especially, why is it that everytime her alarm clock rings, it’s always late?), it’s so overdone. Same goes with the note passing(is this supposed to take place in the past or present? Your target audience mainly uses texting, it’s less sexier but it makes more sense), and the teachers on a power trip.
I’ll read over the excerpts a bit at a time, and I will try to make a few more suggestions than just criticisms, since I tend to be harsh when editing.
My first impression is that it’s difficult to tell how this ties into the rest of the story because it’s not a chapter.
Some of the tensing, punctuation and grammar are a bit off. For example, “With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.” I think that should read “With her heart pounding in her ears, Lisa Myers slid into an alleyway.”
Make sure that there’s a punctuation mark separating each sentence.
Her mind raced how could he have found her, she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.” “Her mind raced” is a sentence of its own, so I’d recommend ending it with a period.
“Alley” (the narrow space between buildings) is a different word than “ally” (friend or partner). In this context, I think “alley” makes more sense.
Punctuation would help make this a lot smoother.
“Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”. I would recommend punctuating this as: “Damn it, Lisa! Come on out, baby. Let’s talk about this,” he said.
“hoped to God” could probably be shortened to just “prayed.”
I don’t understand what’s happening with the “click click.” Is she trying to fire a gun at him? Is he trying to fire a gun at her?
“wishing she could be anyone but her.” I think “anyone else” would be a bit smoother.
There’s a lot of telling here. She felt fear… this wasn’t happening, she thought… exclaimed angrily, etc.
The punctuation could be a LOT smoother. Fortunately, the spelling is generally solid.
Do we need to see that she brushes her teeth and combs her hair as part of her morning routine? Why is that important? Generally, if a detail doesn’t develop a character or advance the plot, I would recommend removing it.
“Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B…” This is quite a long bit of narratorial exposition. Do you think there’s some way to show us that she’s become a good student rather than tell us? (For example, if she’s a good student, perhaps she spends more time studying or puts more thought into her homework or has become more organized or whatever).
“My alarm didn’t go off to wake me.” I think that “to wake me” is unnecessary– it’s pretty clear what the alarm was meant to do.
Do we need these last names? For example, Barrett Finch. Does “Finch” matter? If not, I’d recommend removing it, at least for now.
“She loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers.” All of these details can be shown rather than told.
“…they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured…” First, I think Lisa is misspelled here. Second, do ladies in concerts typically get measured for tuxedos? Maybe they’d wear dresses?
“Hey.”
“Hi Nicole.”
He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug.
“Hi”
She greeted back.
“you guys are such a cute couple.”
she smiled.
“Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?”
Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded.
“Okay, see you guys later.”
–> This passage is a LOT of chatting. It doesn’t develop a character or advance the plot much, so I’d recommend cutting or shortening it. You might like to read this article on superfluous dialogue.
“Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step.” Show us these details. It’s just the narrator telling us that their relationship isn’t built on sex. Maybe if we saw them doing something else, this detail would be clearer. Also, “there relationship” should be “their relationship” and “as they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung” should be, umm, maybe “as they lustily kissed, suddenly the bell rung.”
The capitalization sometimes shifts. Sometimes it’s U.S. history, sometimes it’s U.S. History. I’d recommend being consistent.
I think hpopcorn should be popcorn.
Umm, Barrett just suddenly beats the crap out of a few guys. It sort of came out of the blue. Was it meant to be, umm, funny?
“some how” –> one word.
Random question. How would you describe your relationships with teachers? If you have a teacher or teachers you really don’t like, I think the Secoda scene and the Klein scene may raise authorial distance issues. They feel sort of, umm, unrealistically nasty? Particularly Klein.
“Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call.” This is a really long sentence. Also, I’d recommend showing the details rather than telling them.
Is her name Klein or Klien?
I need help with my two stories, Inhuman Theory and Fanboys.
Inhuman Theory is about a group of inhumans: Lucas (light manipulator), his wife Janie (can see past, present and future), Ace (electricity manipulation and generation and magnetism manipulation), his younger sister Jade (invisibility and phasing), Travis (psychokinesis) and his long time girlfriend Lucy (substance transformation into a diamond which grants her strength and durability). Inhumans from the future, Cypher( mind works like a computer but faster & advanced hand-to-hand combat), Gabriel( time & space manipulation), Nina(power mimicry), Devin( possession, mind control, communication with animal & machines) warn Lucas and his friends about the destruction that the daughter of Lucas and Janie would do in the future. Her name is Rayne (reality manipulation) and the only one who can stop it is Silhouette (shadow manipulation and life force-manipulation) but she has evil intentions of her own. Silhouette and Rayne have a special connection.
Fanboys is about four teens who participate in comic-cons. Their motto is girls, school and comic books. The four teens participate in the Phoenix Project. After the experiment, they develop powers but discover that having superpowers isn’t as fun as it sounds.
“Their motto is girls, school and comic books.” Sadly, you can only have two of the three… Unless you’re Vin Diesel.
I think your story sounds workable but not too well-developed at this point. What are the teens like, in terms of personality and traits? What’s the Phoenix Project and why are they involved? What’s the main objective of the characters? Who’s the antagonist driving the story? (I suppose that you could do a random slice-of-life story without an antagonist, but it’s very tricky).
Agreed.
Umm, with Inhuman Theory, I think there are probably too many characters. By my count, Lucas, Janie, Ace, Jade, Travis, Lucy, Cypher, Gabriel, Nina, Devin, Rayne and Silouhette.