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Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, offers this comparison of dogs and gators as pets.

Why should you buy a gator? For the same reasons that buying a dog makes you look foolish and weak.

When a human buys a Chihuahua, he is saying “I value the company of small and conspicuously useless mammals.” Not surprisingly, his friends will quickly surmise that he thinks of them as small and useless. This is why Chihuahua-owners rarely have friends. Conversely, anyone who befriends a gator boldly declares that his taste and judgment of character are nothing less than superlative. That is why even walking a gator down to the park will garner the respect and awe of nearby humans. Also, everybody loves gator parties.

Anyone who does not like gators is probably an idiot, a Louisianan or a drug dealer. Since you do not want to meet any of those people, a “Beware of Gator” sign is sure to make your home a friendlier and happier place. In fact, the only better thing for your home is a “Beware of Gators” sign. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

In addition to drug dealers and Louisianans, gators will protect you from squirrels. These predatory vagrant-mammals lurk in public areas, hoping that their bushy tails will distract you long enough to attack. Too often, this ruse is successful. That’s why violent crime rates are highest in cities, the areas typically hardest hit by squirrels. Fortunately, gators are wise to the squirrel threat. This is why squirrels will never approach a gator.

Gators will also protect humans from their worst instinct: playing golf. Golf-playing may stem from the mammalian affinity for holes (also demonstrated by the obsessive digging tendencies of gophers, squirrels and Boston). However, it is a peculiarly human trait to see a hole and think that it would be enjoyable to hit a ball into it. Fortunately, gators are a natural and 100% effective cure for this defect. This is why the presence of an alligator on a golf course immediately causes all play to cease. This also explains why golf course owners hate gators so much.

Agent Black and everyone’s favorite mutated alligator, Agent Orange, discuss the problem of squirrels.

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Picture c/o simplydumb.com, caption courtesy of me (inserted with the help of ICanHas Cheezburger.com

I got into Lolcats today and I find it stupidly amusing.

Climbing Gator picture taken from here.

Agent Black: You’ve claimed that alligators invented football, baseball and basketball.

Agent Orange: That’s right.

Agent Black: … (Do I even want to know?)

Agent Orange:

Many generations of alligators ago, before the Swamp and before widely available chemical mutagens, my alligator ancestors lived in a state of total boredom.  There was painfully little to joke about besides the pathetic failings of crocodiles, which were obvious even in those dark times.  And, given that there weren’t any mammals, we couldn’t even make fun of golf.

One day a brash, stupid crocodile (to the extent that any crocodile can be unusually stupid) challenged a legendary alligator, the Gregarious One, to a wrestling spectacle. Unsurprisingly, the crowds of gators and crocodiles bore witness to a quick slaughter. Within ten seconds, the crocodile’s head had come clean off. The disappointed crowds began to disperse. The Gregarious One shouted them to attention.

He challenged the crocodiles to stop him and his gator compatriots from ejecting the head of the offending crocodile from the Everglades.  The crocodiles chased the G.O. to the dark ridges at the edge of the glades, where he fooled them into thinking that he would kick the head away. But the kick was a fake, and the crocodiles were entirely unprepared for his bold victory march. Thus the first football game was a Gators victory, 6-0.

Agent Black: …

Agent Black: What about baseball?

Agent Orange: Well… the alligators weren’t quite done with the ball when they took it out of the Everglades.

“Gator Nation is more like a cult than a nation, but there are elements of patriotism mixed in with its religiosity.”

–An anonymous LSU sociologist, shortly before bursting into tears

This LSU supporter’s comment is reasonably insightful. But the bonds between Gator Nation, patriotism and faith are actually tighter than he knows. The Gator Gods will wreak horrible fates on teams that prove unworthy…

Web Gumbo provides a great picture of his unit mascot. You might wonder what a Marine mascot does. Deliver pep talks? Rally the fans? Please.

Agent Orange, our mutated alligator, says that “it’s not surprising that they turned to an alligator when they needed someone to scare and bond with Marines. Here you can see the gator playing Marco Polo with a Marine that is obviously enjoying the gator’s friendly and sociable company.”

Lash retorts retorts that “if the guy’s actually enjoying anything, it’s probably the thought that he will soon not be dangling over a watery grave.”

Our mutated alligator, Agent Orange, offers us these insights into misconceptions about alligators.

—

Fiction: “gators attack innocent animals.”

Fact: We gators defend ourselves when attacked. It’s not our fault we’re stronger, faster and bigger.

—

Fiction: alligators kiss.

Fact: John is actually attempting to defend his dubious claim that he had the biggest jaw in the swamp. Hah! I’ve seen bigger hatchlings.

—

Fiction: gators like to make mammals feel inadequate.

Fact: We aren’t just smiling to show off our stunningly white teeth. I mean, if we really wanted to humiliate you, we’d challenge you to a swimming race. Or football.

—

Fiction: Gators are nearly flawless.

Fact: “Nearly”?

Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, has this friendly public service announcement for the residents of California’s 4th district.

Theodore Terbolizard is running for Congress. We all are in grave danger. Lizards are pathologically dishonest, which is why they love to sell car insurance and overpriced water. And run for Congress.

But this candidate is not merely a lizard. He is, by his own confession, a Turbolizard. He will run Congress so depravedly as to make the rest of Congress look good.

Unsurprisingly, his lizard cronies have rallied to his defense. “We need more lizards in office,” says a lizard named “Sharmuta”. Or should I say Shamuta?

What does Turbolizard stand for, besides pathological deception and nefariousness? “I am opposed to the use of terrorism… since the end of World War II, the United States has continually meddled in the internal affairs of Iran, and I am opposed to this interventionist policy.” How typically lizardly. He is allegedly opposed to terrorism but opposes any action against terrorists! This is like saying “I’m OK with mammals, but mammal-killing is a fine choice, too.”

It is safe to say that a vote for Turbolizard is a vote for the turbo-genocide of mammals. I’m Agent Orange and anyone that doesn’t approve of this message is probably a lizard bent on your destruction.

Hey! I’ve revised and updated Agent Orange’s quotes. (You can see the old one here, but it’s harder to read and the quotes are worse). Enjoy.

Agent Orange, our resident mutated alligator, offers us these insights into Things Mammals Like:

1. Seatbelts. Why anyone would want to be attached to a flaming, twisted deathtrap is beyond me. If you find yourself in a car with a mammal– particularly one named Agent Black– the windshield is your surest path to freedom. Indeed, attempting to escape his mobile coffin by hurling yourself through the windshield would probably improve your odds of survival.
2. Traffic signals. These hypnotic lights calm mammal drivers but scare mammal driving instructors when a reptile is taking a driving test. Relatedly, did you know that alligators are red-green colorblind?
3. Playing golf. The mystery of golf-playing has fascinated alligators for eons, which is why you can find so many of us at golf-courses. Then the mammals shoo us away because they know how goofy their clothes look. (Mammals).

St. Patrick’s Day

Agent Orange: Greetings, mammal-Black!

Agent Black: You’re wearing a green trenchcoat.

Agent Orange: Daringly green. I notice you’re wearing a green tie.

Agent Black: Yeah, I’m celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. I would assume that you are, too, but yesterday you claimed that St. Patrick was a reptile-hater that cleansed Ireland of its snakes.

Agent Orange: Indeed! And St. Patrick’s grim legacy of reptilian removal is precisely why every alligator eagerly observes Gatriot’s Day.

Agent Black: Gatriot’s Day?

Agent Orange: Yep. We wear green to celebrate alligator virtues.

Agent Black: Such as…

Agent Orange: Well, there’s carnage, whupass, and charity. Ooh, teeth, too. That’s a big one.

Agent Black: Does it bother you that every, uhh, human wearing green today is celebrating St. Patrick?

Agent Orange: Ehh. American gators survived him and other predators. In fact, only the American and Chinese gators survived. Everyone else died out. Why do you think we lived?

Agent Black: A favorable climate, stable food supply and relatively little human contact?

Agent Orange: No, you dummy! Because of Gatriot’s Day.

Agent Black: Oh, uhh… I see. That makes sense. (Nutcase).

Agent Orange: So, on every Gatriot’s Day, American gators use four-leaf clovers to explain the true nature of our awesomeness to heathen mammals. Not coincidentally, the Four Pillars of American Awesomeness are green: the Statue of Liberty, dollars, military camouflage and go-signs. These four pillars represent freedom, happiness, strength and energy. And they, like the leaves on a clover, rest on the stem, which obviously represents gators.

Agent Black: (Obviously). … Hey, do you actually have a four-leaf clover? I’ve never seen one before.

Agent Orange: Indeed! Look, here…

Agent Black steals the clover.

Agent Black: Thanks.

Agent Orange: Hey!

Agent Black: And a happy Gatriot’s Day to you, too!

Our mutated alligator, Agent Orange, presents us this nugget of reptilian wisdom.
Many mammals believe that, because alligators are friendly and helpful, that all reptiles must be similarly awesome. This is not the case.

The Associated Press gives a grisly account of an alligator forced to prove his awesomeness after being attacked by a python.

The snake apparently tried to swallow the gator whole—and then exploded. Scientists stumbled upon the gory remains last week.

Unsurprisingly, snakes have proven completely ineffective against gators.

And we here are, [a gator-snake fight has] happened for the fourth time,” Mazzotti said. In the other cases, the alligator won or the battle was an apparent draw.

And the only reason there was a draw was because the gator felt merciful.

Agent Orange: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Agent Black: If you’re about to ask a question that includes the word “alligators,” “mammals,” “conspiracy,” or any combination of those, no.

Agent Orange: …

Agent Orange: Have you developed psychic–

Agent Black: No.

Agent Orange: Are you posi–

Agent Black: Yes.

Agent Orange: So how–

Agent Black: Wily mammal tricks. I could tell you more, but then I’d have to make you into a suitcase.

Agent Orange: …!

At the Office of Special Investigations, March Madness can get heated pretty quickly.

Agent Black: Are you doing a bracket this year?

Agent Orange: I spit on your vile brackets. The NCAA was obviously embarrassed that the Florida Gators had humiliated the whole of mammal-kind two years in a row. And, last year, the Gators swept the national championships in football and basketball, so it was inevitable that the Vast Mammalian Conspiracy would keep us from the tournament.

Agent Black: It’s too bad you’re not doing a bracket. Guess who I’ve got winning it all.

Agent Orange: A wholly unqualified and helpless mammal team?

Agent Black: The Georgia Bulldogs!

Agent Orange: Gah! Mammal… conspiracy… vicious mammal conspiracy.

Agent Black: Hey, hey. Relax. Just because we had an “amazing run” and “reached heights no one could imagine” doesn’t mean you have to cry about it.

Agent Orange: Georgia’s presence is indisputable proof that gator-haters are conspiring against us. Georgia placed in the Western conference. Notre Dame, a team notoriously close to a mammal renowned for driving snakes and other innocent reptiles from Ireland, got into the Eastern conference. And Stanford, that crazy-eyed bastion of basketball-playing trees, got into the Southern conference. Portland—Portland!– made it into the Midwestern conference.

Agent Black: Portland played great basketball.

Agent Orange: That’s not the point. Portland is not in the Midwest, any more than Notre Dame is Eastern or Georgia is Western. The standings have been rigged by a bunch of deranged gator-haters to ensure that we will not be allowed to thrash their beloved trees and bulldogs.

Captain Carnage walks in.

Captain Carnage: Hey, Orange. I heard a joke today. What’s the difference between an alligator and a longhorn?

Agent Orange: One is a reptilian carnivore and the other goes great with tabasco sauce?

Captain Carnage: The Longhorns are in it to win it!

Agent Black: Ooh, nice one.

Agent Orange: …

Agent Orange: Mammals!

Right-wing cartoonist Chris Muir may be suggesting that Senator Clinton, whose advisors have already claimed that “being human is overrated,” is playing for the mutated alligator vote. (Perhaps she’s banking on a Florida revote). Well, every voter counts, right?

Agent Orange: Greetings, mammals! I have a question.

Captain Carnage: (Unfortunately, Agent Black, I have an alibi. Just now, I realized I was due at the Capitol two hours ago).

Agent Black: (I hate you).

Agent Orange: Yesterday, National Geographic claimed that grizzly bears can eat five times their own body weight. Is that true?

Agent Black: Why wouldn’t it be true?

Agent Orange: Frankly, it sounds like mammalian propaganda. Five times their own body weight? That would be like me suddenly eating a ton and a half: you, Captain Carnage, the Beatles, and a golf-cart.

Agent Black: I’m not supposed to tell this to non-mammals…

Agent Orange: No, I must know!

Agent Black: Grizzly bears can eat a hundred times their own body weight. National Geographic lied to you to lure you into a false sense of security.

Agent Orange: The fiends!

Agent Orange: …

Agent Orange: … but that would be like me eating 75,000 racks of ribs. Waitresses already give me weird looks when I order eight!

Agent Black: I’m not supposed to tell this to non-mammals, either… but all mammals can eat a hundred times their own weight.

*Agent Orange gasps*

Agent Black: So, if you’re 600 pounds, that means that any mammal that weighs six pounds could theoretically eat you.

Agent Orange: But, but I’ve seen rats in the basement that must have been six pounds heavy! The Gator Gods would curse me for all time if I allow one to devour me. I thank you for your assistance, mammal-Black.

Agent Orange stalks off.

Agent Black pulls out his cell-phone and calls Captain Carnage’s voice-mail.

“Black here. I think I just solved the rodent problem.”