Archive for the 'Sports' Category

Aug 07 2011

The Steelers are extras in the upcoming Batman film

I provide advice about how to write novels, comic books and graphic novels. Most of my content applies to fiction-writing in general, but I also provide articles specifically about superhero stories.

Why use the Steelers as the stand-in for Gotham’s team?  Maybe they couldn’t get any other football-playing rapist* for Batman to strangle on such short notice?

 

*Never proven in a court of law, but Batman isn’t much into legal niceties (like verdicts).  Double points if he does Roethlisberger with a Terrible Towel.

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Sep 07 2010

This is probably the sharpest writing I’ve ever seen on ESPN

Published by under Comedy,Football

One response so far

Jul 19 2009

Join our fantasy football league!

If you’re the sort of person that’s enthusiastic about SN and fantasy football, this is the perfect league for you. Below the fold, I have league details and information about how to join.

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Apr 02 2009

Minor Football Tangent: Jay Cutler!

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One response so far

Feb 05 2009

Football Tangent

Published by under Football,Sports

I am flabbergasted that the Bears hired Rod Marinelli as assistant head coach.  He coached the Detroit Lions to the NFL’s first 0-16 record.  He was nothing but a trainwreck for his team, or perhaps an Ebola outbreak if you want to get technical.  It could be credibly argued that his 2008 Lions were the worst team in NFL history. Why would we inflict ourselves with this football leper?

6 responses so far

Feb 01 2009

Sunday Updates

  1. In February, we set a new personal record for new visitors.  (We had around 10,000 for the month).
  2. Today, we reached 75,000 total visitors.
  3. On Centsports.com, I am putting my $4.75 on Arizona to beat the Steelers today.  I fully expect to lose (defense wins championships), but I am fully buying into the much-hyped Arizona miracle.

7 responses so far

Jan 29 2009

The Cardinals will win the Super Bowl because Kurt Warner is a superpowered killing machine

Published by under Comedy,Football,Heroes,Sports

I’ve noticed some uncanny similarities between Kurt Warner (Arizona’s quarterback) and Sylar from Heroes.

  1. One has spent the better part of a season mangling his enemies in spectacularly gruesome fashions.  The other is a serial killer.
  2. One wears white and red.  The other is white and usually spattered in red.
  3. Sylar has superpowers that allow him to avoid any lasting injuries. Warner doesn’t need superpowers.

How does Larry Fitzgerald make all those crazy catches? Because he knows that if he drops a pass, his head is gone.

One response so far

Jan 08 2009

Gators win! Gators win!

Florida just won the national championship in college football.  I feel a comic coming on, just not soon.

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Sep 30 2008

You have to be in it to win it

Published by under Baseball,Sports

And we are in it, baby!  The White Sox earned their spot in the playoffs today in a 1-0 tiebreaker win over the Twins.

CADET DAVIS ADDS: You have to be in it to win it.  But, as the Sox are about to discover, you also have to be in it to get swept in the first series.

2 responses so far

Sep 25 2008

Oregon Beats USC!

Published by under Football,Sports

This means that Georgia and Florida might be #1 and #2.  If that happens, I promise we’ll put out a commemorative webcomic… thesis be damned.
UPDATE: Erm, due to unexpected losses by both Georgia and Florida, it appears we will be able to keep our theses on schedule.

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Sep 04 2008

If they play that ad again, I’m going to scream

Published by under Football,Marketing

“It’s the most heart-warming phone ad of the year!”  I’m not sure that heart-warming is the best fit for NFL Live.  I think that the average American man likes his humor a bit more robust and, umm, funny.

UPDATE: We’re in the second quarter now and the ad has played three five times.

SECOND UPDATE: The ad ended up playing nine times, by my count.

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May 08 2008

Quote of the Day: Sports

The biggest suckers in football are the Jets. In basketball, the refs. In soccer, the spectators.

— Agent Orange

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Mar 23 2008

There goes my bracket

I had the UConn Huskies going to the Final Four. They just lost in the first round to the San Diego Toreros. Although this screws my bracket, it does make me feel a bit better about Florida missing the tournament.

Hey, at least you made the tournament

The picture came courtesy of stock.xchng, with a hat tip to Squally-Chan.

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Mar 20 2008

March Madness

Just to show that Florida doesn’t have any hard feelings about being cruelly rejected to the NCAA tournament…

However, his height might be a problem.

(I got the picture from Lolcats).

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Mar 17 2008

March Madness!

At the Office of Special Investigations, March Madness can get heated pretty quickly.

Agent Black: Are you doing a bracket this year?

Agent Orange: I spit on your vile brackets. The NCAA was obviously embarrassed that the Florida Gators had humiliated the whole of mammal-kind two years in a row. And, last year, the Gators swept the national championships in football and basketball, so it was inevitable that the Vast Mammalian Conspiracy would keep us from the tournament.

Agent Black: It’s too bad you’re not doing a bracket. Guess who I’ve got winning it all.

Agent Orange: A wholly unqualified and helpless mammal team?

Agent Black: The Georgia Bulldogs!

Agent Orange: Gah! Mammal… conspiracy… vicious mammal conspiracy.

Agent Black: Hey, hey. Relax. Just because we had an “amazing run” and “reached heights no one could imagine” doesn’t mean you have to cry about it.

Agent Orange: Georgia’s presence is indisputable proof that gator-haters are conspiring against us. Georgia placed in the Western conference. Notre Dame, a team notoriously close to a mammal renowned for driving snakes and other innocent reptiles from Ireland, got into the Eastern conference. And Stanford, that crazy-eyed bastion of basketball-playing trees, got into the Southern conference. Portland—Portland!– made it into the Midwestern conference.

Agent Black: Portland played great basketball.

Agent Orange: That’s not the point. Portland is not in the Midwest, any more than Notre Dame is Eastern or Georgia is Western. The standings have been rigged by a bunch of deranged gator-haters to ensure that we will not be allowed to thrash their beloved trees and bulldogs.

Captain Carnage walks in.

Captain Carnage: Hey, Orange. I heard a joke today. What’s the difference between an alligator and a longhorn?

Agent Orange: One is a reptilian carnivore and the other goes great with tabasco sauce?

Captain Carnage: The Longhorns are in it to win it!

Agent Black: Ooh, nice one.

Agent Orange: …

Agent Orange: Mammals!

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Mar 01 2008

Quote of the Day: R.B. and Q.B.

In theory, the Office of Special Investigations employs all of the US government’s supernatural employees. Several examples suggest otherwise. In WWII, Sgt. Audie Murphy found 80 Nazis and took them as prisoners of war – alone. Several DEA agents can smell narcotics through layers of clothing and, in one case, a Mr. Potato Head toy. And everyone knows about the Navy SEALS, whose “Hell Week” is the single best argument that only mammals can be ninjas.

 

However, in only does one agency– the US Secret Service– does the presence of undeniably unnatural agents shape agency procedures and contingency plans, particularly regarding the Football, the laptop with the President’s nuclear launch codes. SS regulations require that the agent protecting the Football must flee if the President is attacked. Furthermore, statutes require that the Football always be within 30 seconds of the President.

 

One wonders what’s the point of fleeing if the agent plans to stay within 30 seconds of the President. He would presumably be within 30 seconds of the attackers, right?

 

That’s where RB (pronounced Arby) comes in. We haven’t bothered measuring what his land-speed is. What we know is that’s he fast. Really fast. In a test-run, he went from the Oval Office to Arlington, VA in approximately three seconds. (He blames most of that on closed doors). The Secret Service and relevant Air Force bodies have constructed safehouses within 30 seconds of the White House. Although they had not anticipated building such sites in Colorado or Montana, no one is disappointed.

 

The problem is that RB only works twelve hours a day, seven days a week. For the other half of the workweek, QB (cuby) controls the Football. He’s a Ph. D in particle physics and he looks more like one of the guys that designed the Football than one of the agents that guards it. However, he does have the ability to teleport… However, his teleportation has a roughly five percent chance of destroying everything within a hundred miles of his “landing zone.” Accordingly, contingency sites have been constructed in American Samoa…

–Captain Carnage

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Feb 15 2008

Quote of the Day (2/15/08)

Not surprisingly, mammals usually drink beer when watching football.  If I had to root for a team like the Golden Gophers, I’d also want to drink myself into a stupor.

–Agent Orange, Superhero Nation’s resident mutated alligator (and football afficionado)

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Feb 03 2008

Superbowl Highlights and Lowlights

Published by under Football,Sports

The Game: Awesome. Ridiculous. This will likely be the highest-watched Superbowl thus far.

The Show: I was elated to see that it was Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, but it confuses and enrages me that “Won’t Back Down” and “Free-Falling” made the cut and “Last Dance with Mary Jane” did not (because it’s possibly narcotic?). After around five seconds of Free-Falling, I was ready for Tom Brady and the (New York) Heartbreakers.

The Ads: From bad to worse. I enjoyed a spot that featured salamanders dancing to Michael Jackson’s Thriller, but in an objective sense I realize that the ad is only funny to people that think that dancing salamanders are funny.

Best Use of Copyrighted Character: Terminators doing battle with the NFL robot guys to showcase the unbelievably bad Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Worst Use of Copyrighted Character: Hard to say, but probably the Coke (Pepsi?) commercial that used Stewie from Family Guy.

Best Use of Athlete: American Idol’s use of Ben Rothlisberger.

Second Best Use of Athlete: Chad Johnson in “Moment of Truth”.

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Jan 28 2008

Overheard at the Sports Desk

Published by under Comedy,Commentary,Sports

The [NY] Knicks need to let Isiah Thomas go. To quote Ozzy Ozbourne, the Knicks have been “going off the rails on a crazy train” for the past four years, and Thomas is the conductor. It’s time to cut this ride short.

–Mr. Andrews

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Jan 23 2008

Another ESPN Sportscenter Ad

Published by under Comedy,Sports

Charlie, come out and getcha whoopin’.” Also notable for someone cheating on Mr. Met.

It’s not new age mumbo jumbo.  All of his wisdom is golf-course tested.”   Also notable for the funniest use of a prop in any television ad.

Adam Sandler’s a star now, and no one had heard of him until I beat him up in Happy Gilmore.”  Also notable for Bob Barker winning World War II.

Don’t be a lollipop.

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Jan 23 2008

Alligator Fact and Fiction

Our resident mutated alligator, Agent Orange, offers this look into the brutally competitive world of reptology.

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Jan 23 2008

Crikey!

Published by under Comedy,Football

I came across this ESPN commercial featuring a brawl between Steve Irwin and a certain Florida football mascot. It’s reasonably hilarious. Unsurprisingly, Albert the Florida Gator puts the screws to him in ~5 seconds.

Speaking of AFG, he has his own Myspace page.  Incidentally, Albert and his long-time mistress Alberta can be hired out for private events. Understandably, AFG doesn’t come cheap. Even his gesture gets its own Wikipedia page. Hell. Alberta costs $250 an hour. Speaking of the Gator Chomp, see also The Curse of the Gator Chomp, inflicted on players that mock the Gator Gods at their own peril. Sebastian “Worst First Round Draft Pick” Janikowski has never been the same.

Speaking of Gator Haters, we have this amusingly depraved comparison of Gator pep rallies to Nazi events.

At Florida, even mammals get in on the fun

Remember, it’s not a real party unless there are muzzles and reptiles in t-shirts.

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Jan 02 2008

McCain’s son graduated from WHERE?

 A Time article had the following correction. 

An article on Thursday about John McCain’s relationship with his children misstated, in some editions, the site of a graduation ceremony for Mr. McCain’s son Jimmy, which was attended by several siblings. Jimmy McCain graduated from Marine boot camp; there is no Marine Academy.

“There is no Marine Academy.” Yeah, Time. Any college football fan could tell you Marines play for the Naval Academy, one of an elite group of nine teams that beat Notre Dame this year.

 

I’ll chalk this up to a crucial misalignment of football fans, rather than a “I-hope-someone-at-Time-knows-military-stuff.”

 

And, just in case anyone at Time’s Human Resources Department is reading (wink wink), I know the difference between Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada and a Hawaiian death-threat.

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Jan 01 2008

Football Updates

No one on the Superhero Nation editorial board is pleased with the way football has gone this year.

Continue Reading »

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Dec 31 2007

Quote of the Day: Mike-Catastrophe Part 4

Mike: You’re positive you’re not an alien?

Catastrophe: Do aliens frequently speak fluent English?

Mike: Decryption programs applied to radio transmissions can do surprising things.

Catastrophe: I was checking football club rankings when you found me. Unless aliens are frequently interested in football…

Mike: You’d be surprised. You follow football?

Catastrophe: Sometimes. There aren’t any good teams around here.

Mike: Name three.

Catastrophe: Good teams? Arsenal, Man U and Newcastle.

Mike: Please. If you ever need to make up sports teams in the future, I recommend going with animal names, not randomly selected adjectives and nouns. “New castle?” “Man you?” That doesn’t even make sense!

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: You don’t get out much, do you?

This is the final part of a four part series. You can see part 1 here.

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Dec 10 2007

The dream lives!

Published by under Football

Having trounced Pittsburgh, the New England Patriots appear to have a clear road to a perfect 16-0 season.  But they won’t go 16-0 because the Miami Dolphins are going to beat them and go 1-15.  I will further predict that their win against the Patriots will be their only win this season. 

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