Archive for the 'Comedy' Category

May 01 2014

And now, an exciting business opportunity in Ghana!

Published by under Comedy,PG-13

I provide advice about how to write novels, comic books and graphic novels. Most of my content applies to fiction-writing in general, but I also provide articles specifically about superhero stories.

One of my coworkers (who asked to remain anonymous) received this business proposal from Ghana.

 

Dear  Maccabee

My name is Barrister Agams Enoch Mifetu, the personal attorney of late Mrs.Eunice  Maccabee based here in Accra republic of Ghana I did a lot of web search before choosing your contact from the skype. It is with trust and sincerity that I approach you for assistance in this business.

Please do accept my apology if my mail infringes on your personal ethics and honestly it will be my humble pleasure if we can work together.

I would like you to act as an executor of late Mrs.Eunice  Maccabee my deceased client who made a deposit of (US$14,000,000.00) with a Bank here in Ghana a few years back. She died in Plane crash with her husband and their only child leaving behind no next of kin. And a citizen of my country cannot stand as  next of kin to late Mrs.Eunice  Maccabee that is why I contacted you.

Dear friend I am ready to share 70/30 with you, if you are interested mail me immediately for further details in this great future relationship.

If you are interested write me with your email and telephone number,reply me immediately. 

Regards.

Barrister Agams Enoch Mifetu

_________________________

Dear Honorable Mifetu,
Thank you exceedingly much for contacting me! It has been many years since I have heard the name Eunice. What a shock it was to hear that name again and from such a surprising, but altogether trustworthy, source.

Now, your position as barrister affords you the close knowledge of many things personal to the Maccabee family that one in your position would have and know of from the very nature of the position that you hold in close proximity to those in the family whom hold the secrets close to their hearts of which I speak.

However, there are some things that you may not know. Firstly and foremostly, is that Eunice was not all that she seemed to be. Please know, now, that at the time of her fiery death, she had quite effectively become the black dingo of the family. You see… Eunice was actually born under the name Eugene.

It was with great consternation of the family that the family’s general practitioner admitted to the accidental circumcision of the boy during a routine visit for treatment of dengue fever. While the name of Eugene was hidden from public purvey, the incident itself is well documented in the Ghana Premier Aboriginal Court of Law of which I am quite sure you are well accustomed. The case played out over years and, toward the end, even appeared in an episode of Current Affairs.

But I digress… let me speak more of Eugene… that he lived his early years as a woman was only the beginning of the shame that would befall the Maccabee namesake in the coming decades. Eunice, as she wished to be called after the accident, would go on to make her own name before the court, in activity ranging from strong arm tactics to online thievery, of course, it should be noted that most of the rape charges were effectively dropped as the court believed that she (he) had no way of carrying through with her threats of same.

Now, speaking of ethics… it is with the humblest of sincere intentions that I must inform you of the other piece of information that I am certain you are not aware of: You said the plane crashed killed Eunice, Bentley and the boy… but this is just the story we wanted the press to hear. I survived. I SURVIVED, Agams! I AM EUNICE’S SON!

I don’t blame you for not knowing. No one knew. I was found in the jungle, still in the loving arms of my mother-father, and they say I was quite sun burned but crying. That’s how they found the plane; a woeful child’s cry in the dense jungle.

Which brings me to the following: A very much appreciated the offer you made… but as I am a man of business, I am prepared to counter offer: Because of your sincere due-dilligence, and to keep you from revealing the secret of my identity, I offer you a substantial piece of both the inheritance, which as it has been accruing interest in the National State City Bank of Ghana since the seventies, is quite substantial. I cannot reveal numbers here, but let me just say that should you see this figure written down on a piece of paper, your eye balls would quite literally fall from their respective sockets.

Along with this, you are also welcome to keep a portion of the monies of fourteen million of which you earlier spoke. This is chump change to me as, I am sure you have done your research, know now that I am a tin foil magnate and make fourteen million in my sleep every month.

Your only requirement is that you breath not a WORD of any of this to any party, and should I learn that you went to the press with any of this information ALL POSSIBLE OUTCOMES WILL BE REMOVED. I hope I have made myself abundantly clear.

So, Mr. Enoch, it is up to you now to contact me.

Good luck.

-Uncle Maccabee The Third Esq.

2 responses so far

Jul 21 2012

Superhero Demotivationals

Iron Man Demotivational Poster

 

Batman Riddler Demotivational Poster

No responses yet

Jun 09 2012

Wreck-It Ralph Looks Funny

Published by under Comedy

Even though “the best video game movie” is as low a bar as “the best interior designer at West Point” or “the least murderous Minnesotan,” this movie looks genuinely well-written (if the trailer is any indication).

 

One minor quibble: I’m a bit tired of traditionally villainous creatures getting recast as protagonists (e.g. vampires in Twilight, dragons in any dragonriding work, sharks in Finding Nemo, Canadians in Dudley Do-Right, zombies in Play Dead, Godzilla in any non-villainous appearance, etc). Personally, I wouldn’t get into an overcrowded niche unless I was REALLY sure I had something new to say.

7 responses so far

Apr 27 2012

Levitating Bears?

Campus police officers in Colorado used tranquilizer darts and a trampoline to safely remove a bear hiding in a tree, leading to the photograph of an apparently levitating bear seen below and/or a Matrix-style battle royale.

 

12 responses so far

Feb 19 2012

The Navy’s Five Most Sitcom-ish Screw-Ups

Published by under Comedy,National service

#4 is accidentally attempting to assassinate the President–it somehow gets worse.  Oh, by the way, all five screw-ups happened on one ship (the William D. Porter).

 

 

One screw-up Cracked doesn’t mention is that FDR asked his Secret Service attendee to wheel him over to the side of the battleship so that he could see the incoming torpedo.  That reminds me of the Nedelin disaster, where a Soviet space commander got ~120 people killed (including himself) by watching a shuttle from the launch pad rather than the bunker.

No responses yet

Feb 14 2012

America Needs to Know…

Are you a patriot or a vampire?

3 responses so far

Feb 05 2012

The Death and Return of Superman

This is pretty brilliant, albeit not safe for work.

3 responses so far

Dec 17 2011

This speaks for itself, I think

Published by under Comedy

I made this t-shirt on CustomInk. It is a t-shirt for spectacular people.

Funny T-shirt about ninjas killing dinosaurs

 

Custom t-shirt printing at CustomInk.com

 

 

 

2 responses so far

Dec 02 2011

In Conversation, Answers Don’t Have to be Verbal

Published by under Comedy

I ordered a dish at a Korean restaurant and the server said “ooh, that’s spicy.”  “How spicy?”  She just handed me a pitcher of water.

 

 

Conversations don’t have to be purely linear.  You might be able to develop a conversation in an interesting and/or unexpected direction if characters respond to questions and statements in unexpected ways.

 

B. MAC: This apartment complex looks nice…

LANDLADY: And the pool is beautiful!

B. MAC: …but I’m concerned that several tenants have had toxic black mold.  What sort of remediation efforts–

LANDLADY: —COME, YOU MUST SEE POOL.  

 

 

17 responses so far

Nov 30 2011

An insightful contrast between Kingdom Hearts and Resident Evil

Published by under Comedy,Video Game Review

This is old, but classic.  However, because of profanity, it probably isn’t safe for work.  Unless, of course, your workplace is awesome.

 

2 responses so far

Nov 01 2011

American Quirks for Authors

Published by under Americana,Comedy

This is an interesting compilation of things that foreigners found notable and/or quirky about life in the United States.  It could be useful if you’re writing about a foreigner visiting the United States or an American traveling abroad.

  • “Some places you can turn right on red — wait what YOU CAN DRIVE THROUGH A RED LIGHT if you’re turning WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE”
  • “Every employed person rates themselves middle class.”
  • “From the UK: much greater tendency to use text on signs – in Europe we tend either to use graphics or not to bother with a sign at all.”
  • “One language – I noticed in Europe most people speak more than one language and usually even 3 or more.”  (I suspect that linguistic heterogeneity makes it harder to use words on signs).
  • “Seconding flags, but particularly flags in non-civic settings. A French visitor, for instance, wouldn’t be surprised to see flags on city halls, but on car dealerships?”  February 1798 marked the Volvo Plot, a massive conspiracy of Swedish car dealers against the Republic and freedom in general.  Today, it is customary for car dealerships to fly the flag to remind their customers that they are not trampling the sweet cause of liberty by shopping there.  That’s also why BMW and Toyota ads emphasize how superlatively American their cars are.
Continue Reading »

14 responses so far

Oct 21 2011

An unusually amusing bit of college fundraising writing

Published by under Comedy


I have one minor suggestion. Most major donors tend to be older and deeply wealthy businessmen, whereas this video is clearly aimed at a younger, less affluent audience. It might have helped to randomly feature one small donor (maybe by selling $25 or $50 raffle tickets to be featured).

No responses yet

Jun 21 2011

Nicholas Cage is Comedic Gold

Published by under Comedy

(Caution: Some PG-13 content).

7 responses so far

Jun 09 2011

“Americans rated most hilarious in global poll”

Published by under Comedy

Only if David Chapelle and The Onion pull extra shifts to make up for Two and a Half Men and David Spade.

6 responses so far

May 20 2011

The CDC has a post on preparing for a zombie epidemic…

Unfortunately, it’s really just a generic “here’s what you should do to be ready for any disaster” plan with zombies thrown in for fun.  Food and medicine are great, but let’s be honest: You’re not actually ready for a zombie apocalypse until you have a machine gun and two bullets for everybody in the county.   (In case you miss, silly).

My zombie defense plan is counterintuitive, but it’s the most popular one in the world.

1. Get eaten.

2.  Whatever else happens, it’s not my problem.

 

5 responses so far

Apr 24 2011

Hockey haikus

Published by under Comedy

Good luck, Vancouver:

Your goalie’s our MVP

Only doom awaits.

 

Blackhawks ascendant

Canada: “What can we say?

Even dead cats bounce.”

 

 

5 responses so far

Apr 13 2011

A Girl and Her Fed is absolutely hilarious

Published by under Comedy

The writing in A Girl and Her Fed is so strong.  The main character isn’t even in the conversation in this page and she still shows an incredible personality.

The art is pretty good so far, similar to The Taxman Must Die but maybe a bit less detailed. (You can see my sample pages here).

One response so far

Apr 04 2011

Best Insults

Published by under Comedy

For some reason, a lot of the barbs that I find most memorable are British. Probably because Americans spend too much time learning how to cook and rock out on heavy weapons platforms.

  • Journalist: “Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?” John Lennon:  “He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles!”
  • Oscar Wilde: “Here are two tickets to my new play. Please bring a friend, if you have one.”  Winston Churchill: “Sorry, I can’t make it to the opening night performance.  Please send me tickets to the second performance, if there is one.”
  • Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife, I would poison your coffee.”  “Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
  • “He loves nature, in spite of what it did to him.”  — Forrest Tucker
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”  — Mae West
  • “I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’  They all left town immediately.” — Mark Twain
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”  — Oscar Wilde
  • “Comparing Stephenie Meyer to JK Rowling is an insult to Chris Paolini.”  — Internet commenter
  • “He is the best argument for contraception.”
  • “The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg.”  — Edmund Wilson
  • “In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo DaVinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love and 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”  — Harry Lime, in The Third Man

 

15 responses so far

Mar 25 2011

Best Comment Excerpts: March 2011

Published by under B. Mac,Comedy

Here are some excerpts from my comments and reviews over March 2011.

  • “The only reason a guy would go to see Titanic is if he loves his girlfriend more than his dignity. That’s why ladies make their boyfriends watch Titanic–to test their commitment.”
  • Moral of the story: Beanie Babies will make you a felon.”
  • “[There are ways for characters to distinguish themselves besides having different superpowers]. Like how they use their superpowers or the quests they have to complete to attain their superpowers. For example, both Heroes’ Sylar and the Invisible Woman have telekinetic/force-projection powers, but the Invisible Woman uses hers to keep the team alive, whereas Sylar is a serial killer that psychically decapitates his victims to access their brains. (He doesn’t eat the brains, though. ‘That would be gross,’ he explains).”
  • “For example, if we’re supposed to really feel how tough these drills are for her, maybe you could talk more about something like the heat or humidity or the air or sun or ground or whatever? (For example, the heat and humidity at Alabama’s Maxwell Air Force Base are almost bad enough to make a Marine cry, and the Marines training at Parris Island have lost enough boots in the muck there to stock a shoe store).”
  • “I’m slightly amused that 3 people have shared my oral surgery post with their friends on Facebook. Slow week at work? 🙂 “
  • “’Technically, Okie was a derogatory term, but it was crafted by those that hate Okies’ awesomeness.’ Like Steinbeck. He hated on Oklahoma so much he wrote a book about it.”
  • “ ‘[He’s] a bit of a hick, but smarter than he acts… which generally results in him getting beaten to within an inch of his life. He doesn’t really have a secret identity, although he does have a codename/nickname. He’s… not super-buff like Superman or the Hulk, and he’s a little on the short side.’ That sounds so much like me it’s sort of scary. 😉 “
  • “Number 4’s villain was neither interesting nor scary. He doesn’t even get a name! Come on. Even Godzilla got a name. You know who else didn’t get a name? The enemy commander in Battlefield Earth.  Name your villain or surrender to suck.”
  • “Your sci-fi setting builds an interesting contrast between the calmness of the trees and the whip flowers strangling each other. I think that helps develop the characters because they react in such a different way than how I would (namely, freaking out–‘omgwtfarethoseflowersdoing’).”

2 responses so far

Jan 25 2011

Geeky rap humor

Published by under Comedy

Continue Reading »

No responses yet

Jan 24 2011

“An ape will die on every page!”

Published by under Book Covers,Comedy

Umm, okay.

7 responses so far

Dec 25 2010

Tales from the Bully Pulpit was incredible

Published by under Comedy,Comic Books

Tales from the Bully Pulpit was 84 pages of this.  Teddy Roosevelt steals HG Wells’ time machine and meets up with Thomas Edison’s ghost to stop Argentinian Nazis from conquering Mars.

Continue Reading »

6 responses so far

Dec 10 2010

Anti-zombie research is proceeding apace

Published by under Comedy,Eccentric Tangent

The U.S. Army bought about 100,000 M4s last fiscal year, improving the nation’s zombie readiness levels from “doomed” to “screwed.”  In your face, zombies! Also, the Navy is working on a electromagnetic railgun.  When the zombie dolphins are upon us, we’ll be ready.
It's not like Aquaman's gonna stop them.

Other exciting military technology that could mess some zombies up:

  • Nuclear rifles
  • Flying jeeps
  • Chain-saw robots.  Brilliantly, these would be powered by biomass furnaces, which would keep fallen humans and plants from turning into enemy combatants.  (Also, gasoline would surely be in shorter supply than bodies).

2 responses so far

Nov 26 2010

If only my Thanksgiving had been this interesting…

Published by under Comedy

One response so far

Nov 20 2010

TSA, umm, what.

Published by under Comedy

The TSA purportedly confiscated a pair of nail-clippers from a soldier on a military charter where some 230 soldiers were carrying (unloaded) rifles, pistols and machine guns, because the nail-clippers could be used as a weapon.  Apparently the TSA is the only thing standing between the world’s unluckiest terrorist and a surefire Darwin Award.

This reminds me of The Boondocks’ (highly profane) trailer for Soul Plane 2…
Continue Reading »

6 responses so far

Nov 07 2010

Fight Club as a Regency Romance

Published by under Comedy

A lack of intense fight scenes kept Jane Austen from making the big time.  An oversight finally corrected!

4 responses so far

Sep 29 2010

Cthulhuian Humor: Shoggoth, Shoggoth, Shoggoth

Published by under Call of Cthulhu,Comedy

This is pretty funny, especially if you’re familiar with I Have a Little Dreidel (Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel).

5 responses so far

Sep 24 2010

Take THAT, M. Night Shyamalan

Published by under Comedy

10 responses so far

Sep 08 2010

You’ll never look at Beauty and the Beast the same way again

Published by under Comedy

No responses yet

Sep 07 2010

This is probably the sharpest writing I’ve ever seen on ESPN

Published by under Comedy,Football

One response so far

Next »