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Science plays heavily in many superhero stories. So, today, instead of coming up with some pithy quote about science, we’ve used others to do so for us.

What is science?

Hocus pocus, but with less hand-waving.

– Agent Orange

Always being within a carton of baking soda of a doomsday device.

– Dr. Darpa

Like Hollywood, except without the beautiful women, oversized budgets and snappy outfits. Actually, it’s not like Hollywood at all, besides the explosions.

–Dr. Savant

A series of triumphs over unpleasant realities.

– Jacob Mallow

Pretty awful. Stick to game theory.

– Catastrophe

I’ve always had great respect for figures like Dr. Doom, Dr. Impossible, Paingod, Lex Luthor and others, though not because of anything they have done. Of course, they haven’t done anything, besides getting repeatedly kicked around the block by their antagonists.  I respect them because it takes a very special sort of person to twirl one’s mustache (metaphorically speaking) and declare that you are finally invincible, just like the last 100 times except that you mean it this time.

Obviously, I am not that sort of person. For one, I don’t have a mustache and have never written quippy threats well.  In fact, I’ve never done any sort of writing well, as you might have surmised from my virtually empty author category. My poor writing skills do not disappoint me; I got a M.S. in biochemistry from an university you’ve probably heard of, and I play the piano, so there. And, most importantly, I’m very inquisitive. For example, I did not passively accept the suggestion from my press consultant that I change “an university” to “a university” or “a M.S.” to “an M.S.” [I'm right on this-- B. Mac]

I’ve always used an before words that start with vowels and a for words that start with consonants. But other project contributors quickly confirmed that “an university” is wrong because “it just feels wrong.”

It just feels wrong.

Which leads me to my mission statement (hopefully you’ll understand the connection I’m attempting to draw). [Actually, I don't. I'd recommend a revision. If you're trying to draw some sort of parallel between the a/an issue and you feeling that some aspect of humanness "just feels wrong" despite what one has been taught to the contrary, please be more explicit.-- B. Mac]

“Oh, come on, being human is overrated.”
–Mark Penn, a leading pollster for Senator Clinton

“No, it’s really not. However, if you’d like to propose a trade, I’m all ears.”
–Catastrophe

“Compared to what? I’ve got some ideas.”
–Jacob Mallow

“Mr. Penn, you just won the gator vote, but isn’t it a bit late to pander to Florida?”
–Agent Orange

I just took the Jeopardy test. I don’t think that I did well enough, but I did better than what I imagine was an abysmal performance last year. There was one science question (”this plant reaction rhymes with soto-synthesis”). The many questions on literature, the theater and movies were the trivia equivalent of a kick in the teeth.

Americans living west of the eastern time zone can participate on Wednesday and Thursday. Central/Mountain states at Wednesday at 8:00 PM CST/7:00 PM MST and Pacific Coast states (including Alaska and Hawaii) on Thursday 8:00PM PST.

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

–Friedrich Nietzsche

Philosophy: giving up on the concept of truth.

–Jacob Mallow

Capital punishment: giving up on the concept of Mallow.

–Agent Orange

Diplomacy, Superhero Nation-style: simultaneously offending the religious, the nonreligious and death penalty opponents.

From the Cynic’s Guide to CIA Language:

“High confidence.” Translation: “We may actually know this, but we’ve spent too much to reveal our methods.”

“Moderate to high confidence.” Translation: “Your guess is as good as ours.”

“Moderate confidence.” Translation: “We have absolutely no idea.”

BMac adds:

“Similar to the assessments of French and German intelligence services.” Translation: “intelligence failure”

“Top secret.” Translation: Likely to make it to noon without being published in the New York Times.

“CIA Secret Agent.” Translation: “Vanity Fair covergirl.”

My execution has improved somewhat. This time I actually remembered the mana cost and the art looks a bit cleaner than my first two attempts. Art c/o the White House.

r. Berkeley: Something’s wrong with the sunscreen vat. I was wondering if you could explain a few things to me.

Jacob Mallow: Could I discuss this in the lab with you after-hours?

Berkeley: Sure…

That evening…

Berkeley: I’ve been doing some tests on the toxicity of the sunscreen…

Jacob: Those weren’t in your operational area.

Berkeley: The sunscreen would burn clean through flesh!

Jacob: I don’t think you understand how seriously we take our security procedures here, Dr. Berkeley. I see no alternative to summary termination.

Berkeley: You’re firing me?

Jacob pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Berkeley twice, then pushing Berkeley into the vat.

Jacob: Something like that.

END

Jacob Mallow: I’ve finally perfected the concoction. It will–

Paingod: No.

Jacob Mallow: What?

Paingod: I don’t want to know what it does, how it does it, or your vast and no doubt eminently disruptable deployment strategy. Telling me can only guarantee that your plan does not come to fruition.

Jacob: What? How would that matter?

Paingod: …

Paingod: You’re new here, aren’t you?

I’m reluctant to bring this up. However, my press consultant has encouraged me to offer an About the Author section to explain why I post so rarely and am currently a federal fugitive… three hundred million counts of attempted murder, etc. The infrequent posting and national manhunts are not unrelated, I assure you.
If you would like to contact me, it would be easiest to reach my press consultant (and co-author) at BMcKenzie05-at-aol.com . Contacting me directly would be more legally problematic.

Yeah, that’s pretty much my mission statement. That’s pretty much all you need to know about me, but you can learn more about me when I make my first appearance in chapter 4, Everybody Dies.

Jacob Mallow is a bio-chemist that once worked in the St. Louis area. He now writes from an undisclosed location.

A supervillain is easily identifiable because power is sexy.  That’s why we always get the best women (no one really wants to date a mild-mannered reporter or an inept freelance-photographer).  But superheroes are also easy to identify if you know what to look for: the bumbling factor.  The more bumbling someone is, the more superpowers he’s waiting to unleash. For example, the last time my henchmen attempted to break into a presidential convention, they got absolutely shellacked by Tucker Carlson. If you have ever wondered whether someone that looks that bumbling could only get on TV because he was really a superhero, you’re not alone.

There’s really no way to know how many of my plots have been spoiled by Carlson and Alan Colmes, but I’d feel pretty confident saying that they’re the main barrier between me and global domination.

I’d give you two guesses whether it’s Hannity or Colmes that’s the bane of supercriminals everywhere. Remember, people that look bumbling are dangerous. And anyone that looks as bumbling as Colmes can strangle your best assassins with his mind.  Interestingly, Sean Hannity is also a superhero, but any supervillain that fears a conservative diversity hero should reconsider his line of work.

Unsurprisingly, the talk radio guy doesn’t know how important it is to keep his appearance secret.

Not sure what you’re supposed to know about a character, place or organization? You might find these useful. Continue Reading »