This site provides writing advice. If you're writing a superhero novel or comic book, please also read our superhero writing articles.

Would you like to subscribe to our RSS feed?

I’m tempted to add some snarky comment about unemployment causing Mewtwo to cling to guns…

Picture taken from Path-e-tech-graphics.

This is part of a life insurance ad that I found very amusing.

Superheroes should never ask “are you thinking what I’m thinking?” The answer is never helpful.

But where could you find that much nitroglycerin at this hour?

–Dr. Darpa

Unless your IQ has tripled since we’ve last spoken, probably not.

–Catastrophe

You are now.

–Mr. Mental

Don’t flatter yourself.

–Paingod

Hey! I’ve revised and updated Agent Orange’s quotes. (You can see the old one here, but it’s harder to read and the quotes are worse). Enjoy.

“I’m not a poker shark.  Did you know that coconuts kill more people than sharks do?  I’m like a hurricane of coconuts.”
–Catastrophe

Fiction is a response to threat. No one wants to read happily ever after. That’s why the story ends at happily ever after.

–Cadet Davis

What’s at the top of supervillain to-do lists for 2008? (Hint: not saving money or losing weight). Here’s a sample.

1. [Paingod] Attain absolute power in at least one country. My first act will be to ask Evil Overlord to be my chief of police. If he says no, I’ll kill him. If he says yes, I’ll poison him so that he can live by earning regular doses of the antidote.

2. [Chronic] Develop a time machine and get advanced technologies from a future version of myself. But I know that he will see an opportunity to exploit his foreknowledge and technology by replacing me. So I’ll kill him first.

3. [Gangrene] Surf City’s been a bust. The cop-to-plant ratio is far too high. This year, I have a better idea. I call it Plan Colombia.

4. [The Colombian] Cooperate with Gangrene to develop hardier drug crops. Then I’ll kill him.

5. [Jihad Joe] Anything. I’m still relevant, dammit!

Gator Golf

What could be greater than golf with a gator? Survival, for one.

Picture c/o Chazb.
(I highly recommend Poster Forge for free poster creation).

If you’ve got a gun under your pillow, I wouldn’t recommend reaching for it.

Bed picture c/o Zward. Gator picture c/o SparklesofDoom.

Picture c/o Wembly. I made a slight adjustment to the original picture that I can guarantee you won’t regret.

Dr. Berkeley is a mathematician that Jacob Mallow hires to complete a project that relies heavily on numbers theory. Unfortunately for Berkeley, the project is actually an attempt to build a weapons-grade mutagen. Whoops. Several accidents later, he is mutated into a dead ringer for Katastrophy, the supervillain in a popular Japanese cartoon show.  In the aftermath of his mutation, he has to escape capture from his former employer and devise a serum to restore his humanity.

WRITERS’ NOTES

When designing a character, it’s critical that your audience discern key characteristics about each character.  Did the quotes help you associate Catastrophe with any particular characteristics?  Which ones?  Some variation of self-assured, eccentric and calculating probably made your list.  Did you get discontented as well?  

Grim Trigger 2008!

Dear Jane Doe:

As you know, the nation is facing very, very seriously grave problems. And, as an agent for the Office of Special Investigations, I have handled a lot of serious problems, most of which will be declassified by 2075. But enough about my experience and on to more of the gravely serious problems we face.

Reaffirming the role of puppies in American society

My rivals have remained silent on the critical issue of puppies. Where do my opponents stand on anti-puppy discrimination? What measures have they taken to ensure that puppies can partake of the American dream? What have they done to decry the TSA’s cruel-hearted decision to limit servicepuppy adoption programs to San Antonio and Austin? My opponents have remained silent—but, as your president, you can rest assured that I will be a vocal advocate for puppy rights.

A new era of American diplomacy and multilateralism: Atlantis, meet Mr. Boot

It has come to my attention that a certain “nation” has seen fit to attack the United States once every few years for about the last three decades. We have been told that this is Atlantis’ way of getting a good sense for the leadership of other countries.

Atlantis is no doubt a fine country. I bow to no one in my respect for Atlantis. In fact, I think the United States really needs to get a good sense for its leadership.

This apparently unending cycle of warfare is highly counterproductive. We need to put an end to it once and for all. Additionally, I’d really like to make the US Air Force an integral part of our national security strategy, and not a “chair force” as Marines, soldiers and sailors constantly insinuate. What would the role of an integral Air Force look like? Please see my attached map of Atlantis for more details.

My policies, in brief

1. Environmental reform. Two words: nuclear power.
2. Foreign engagement and a respectful foreign policy. Other countries will respect my leadership because in their hearts, they know I might. Might prove a cooperative and stable negotiating partner, that is!
3. Creating economic opportunities for all Americans. Average Americans suffer because they have less information than large corporations. I vow that my administration will do better to serve every American with available information. For example: sell all Atlantean stock. Atlantean property isn’t looking good either.

Thank you and God bless. I’m Grim Trigger and I approved this message.

–G.T.

Jimmy, age 6, asks: what’s the difference between alligators and crocodiles? Aren’t they like the same thing?

Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, answers:

No, Jimmy, gators aren’t like crocodiles. Comparing alligators to crocodiles is like comparing college to kindergarten. Or a F-22 to a Cessna. Alligators are distinctly superior, whether you look at intelligence, awesomeness or humility.

1. Alligators (A) are friendly and have a skull that isn’t shaped like a demented cheese wedge (B). Also, alligators aren’t flagrantly repulsive.
2. Crocodiles plague most of the world but alligators reside in only the US and China. This proves that being a superpower is 100% caused by gators.
3. Alligators are Florida’s official state reptile. (In your face, geckos).

Alligators are good-natured and friendly, even when attacked by mammals

Mammals love being around alligators

Alligators are outgoing and neighborly

The gator’s first plan was thwarted by his unfortunate lack of opposable thumbs. But his pizza boy strategy will eventually succeed.

Crocodiles are incomprehensibly stupid

Intelligent species have wondered for eons what the purpose of crocodiles is. We’re still wondering, but it probably has something to do with making lemmings feel better about themselves.

Crocodiles are bad at everything

Crocodiles deal drugs to kids

Crocodiles bring ruination and despair

The crocodile—savage killing machine, or the best argument against Botswana tourism?

Photograph courtesy of Botswana, whose perpetual economic turmoil and total geopolitical insignificance obviously stem from its plague of crocodiles.

Tailnotes

If you found this discussion of the differences between alligators and crocodiles informative, please see my account of a week in crocodile hell, courtesy of the US Congress.

Additionally: if you’ve read some of the chapters of Superhero Nation, Retcon thinks that you might get confused by continuity errors. If you are cleared to do so, please read the attached briefing.

Continue Reading »

Journalist: Is it true that the government has systematically tried to conceal the truth so that the American people don’t know how threatened they are?

Mike, the head of the Office of Special Investigation’s RETCON unit:  We usually get accused of playing up the terrorist threat. At least you didn’t throw out the psychic amnesia theory.

Journalist: You didn’t answer my…

Journalist: …

Journalist: What was I saying?

Mike: Damned if I remember.

The Refrigerator of DOOM

Doctor Savant: “Before we open my refrigerator, you better take this.”

Lash: “What the hell, a flame thrower?”

Doctor Savant: “Just in case.”

Lash: “Just in case of what?”

Doctor Savant: “Exactly.”

Have you noticed that attack ads sound pretty similar? They’re all made from the same script. To create a political advertisement, you just need to plug in…

• One opposed political candidate

• Two positive interest groups

• One positive adjective

• Three negative adjectives

• Two negative interest groups

• One supervillain

I’ve got some suggestions for you, but you can pick your own. After picking your words, plug them into the Script at the bottom of the page.

Word-Banks

Opposed political candidates (1)

• Pick your favorite. It’ll work on anyone.

Positive interest groups (2)

• Armed servicemen

• Puppies

• Armed servicepuppies

• Unemployed Media Studies professors

• Starving single-parents with absolutely no control over their situation

• Starving artists that are merely misunderstood by society

• Ninja amphibians

• Superhero Nation readers

• Navy SEALs [not to be confused with ninja amphibians]

Positive adjectives (1)

• Daring

• Sexy

• Vigorous

• Punctual

Negative adjectives (3)

• Bible-thumping

• Atheist

• Anti-puppy

• Tax-and-spend

• Tax-cut-and-spend

• Mutant-loving

• Puppy-eating (don’t play the fool with me. In Pinnochio, there’s a puppy that follows the “protagonist” and then the puppy suddenly disappears. What happened to him? Kibbles and bits).

Negative interest groups (2)

• Illuminati

• Massachusetts

• Big Tobacco

• Big Media

• Big Toilet Paper [not to be confused with Big Media]

• Texas

• The New York Money People [“but my best friends are Jewish!”]

• Seventh-Day Adventists

• Mutant haters

• Mutant sympathizers

• Pirates

• Captain America

Supervillains (1)

• Magneto

• Spock (“Spock’s not a supervillain!” You need to pay more attention, biatch).

• Rush Limbaugh

• Lex Luthor

• a Teletubby

• Hillary Clinton

• Barney the Dinosaur

The Script

Dear Voter,

Hello. Even as we speak, (political candidate) is plotting to destroy America, even our cherished (positive interest group #1)s. Any (positive adjective #1) American can see that (political candidate) is only running because he wants to sell out our (positive interest group #2) to advance the (negative adjective #1) agenda of (negative interest group #1). Because he’s (negative adjective #2).

If you are wavering on the issue of whether (political candidate) is a (negative adjective #3) pawn of (negative interest group #2), ask yourself: can America survive a President that looks so much like (supervillain)?

Inquiring minds want to know:

• Supervillain prisons. Why have them?
• How does Superman keep getting movie deals?
• Why don’t Superman’s movie deals stipulate the presence of a supervillain?
• Lex Luthor: brilliant mastermind or government plant? His most brilliant schemes endanger fewer people than a fully loaded Yugo. And he gets pardoned FAR too often for it to be a coincidence.
• Who is Captain America working for? He couldn’t cover the security deposit on that cavernous NYC apartment with an Army paycheck.
• WWII time-travel. Aren’t any WWII time-travelers gunning for Hitler? Would assassinating Hitler doom the Allies by letting someone sane lead German forces? (Hitler: Allied plant?)
• Time travel. “Dr. Demented escaped into the time-space continuum. He could be anywhere.” “No problem. I’ll start at 1939, you start at 1945 and we’ll catch him somewhere in the middle.”
• Supervillains have attempted to influence WWII at least eight different times in the past fifty years. Presumably, supervillains will keep trying. Wouldn’t superheroes from our present cross paths with superheroes from our future that are pursuing their own supervillains in WWII?
• “I’ll put a shock to yo’ system.” Start with the ears, please.
• The Hulk: why does he still get published?
• Invisible Woman: dumbest Ph. D. ever?
• Beast. Reptile. Catastrophe. Donatello. Aren’t there any animals/monstrosities that are less intelligent than the Invisible Woman? Why do said animals wear more clothes than the Invisible Woman? (Well, except Donatello. He covers about as much skin).

• Lois Lane: “How many F’s are there in catastrophe?”
  Catastrophe: “How exactly did you win a Pulitzer?”
  

• Static Shock’s sidekick, the whitey gadgeteer (AKA Gear, AKA Whitey, AKA Chunky McGee). What, a black person can’t be smart enough to use gadgets?
• What is the fascination with supervillains (and sometimes heroes) running for president?
• Did Savage Dragon run for VP because he realized how useless he was?
• How could Lex Luthor POSSIBLY win the presidency? Voters regularly write candidates off because they’re Mormon, divorced or inexperienced. But, you know…a supervillain… I guess I could give him another chance…
• What was the reasoning behind making an Ant-Man movie?
• Dr. Hank Pym, Ant-Man, Shrinking Violet. Why haven’t they learned that intelligent people don’t shrink themselves? That’s why supervillains build shrink rays.
• How do Agent Orange’s sunglasses stay on?

Agent Orange: “Because they know what’s good for them.”

• What the &^%* is going on in NYC? Judging from comic books, at least 90% of the world’s supernatural events happen there, including regular influxes of tan New Yorkers from alternate dimensions where NYC is devoid of black people (the Friends Effect).