Apr 04 2011

Best Insults

Published by at 12:34 pm under Comedy

For some reason, a lot of the barbs that I find most memorable are British. Probably because Americans spend too much time learning how to cook and rock out on heavy weapons platforms.

  • Journalist: “Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?” John Lennon:  “He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles!”
  • Oscar Wilde: “Here are two tickets to my new play. Please bring a friend, if you have one.”  Winston Churchill: “Sorry, I can’t make it to the opening night performance.  Please send me tickets to the second performance, if there is one.”
  • Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife, I would poison your coffee.”  “Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
  • “He loves nature, in spite of what it did to him.”  — Forrest Tucker
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”  — Mae West
  • “I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’  They all left town immediately.” — Mark Twain
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”  — Oscar Wilde
  • “Comparing Stephenie Meyer to JK Rowling is an insult to Chris Paolini.”  — Internet commenter
  • “He is the best argument for contraception.”
  • “The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg.”  — Edmund Wilson
  • “In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo DaVinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love and 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”  — Harry Lime, in The Third Man


15 responses so far

15 Responses to “Best Insults”

  1. Castilleon 04 Apr 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Why must everyone pick on Ringo?

  2. B. Macon 04 Apr 2011 at 6:27 pm

    The conventional wisdom is that he wasn’t as talented as the other Beatles. If I knew anything about drumming, I might have an opinion. 😉

  3. Beccaon 05 Apr 2011 at 1:13 am

    Ringo’s style of drumming is actually great — he was left-handed drummer on a right-handed kit, so he was, ah, forced to invent his own way of doing things 🙂

  4. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 05 Apr 2011 at 1:23 am

    “He loves nature, in spite of what it did to him.”

    Love it! I’ve found some really good insults around the internet. These are some of the best.

    You must have been born on a highway, because that’s where most accidents happen.

    Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is.

    Looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

    You must be the arithmetic man: you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

    Hi there, I’m a human being! What are you?

    Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

    How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

    Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

  5. Contra Gloveon 05 Apr 2011 at 6:44 am

    I’ve read the cuckoo-clock quote in a book before. I like that one.

  6. B. Macon 05 Apr 2011 at 7:49 am

    I think it was also quoted in Cool Hand Luke.

  7. Mr. Crowleyon 06 Apr 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Hey, B. Mac just wanted to point out that it was Paul McCartney who said that about Ringo. At least I think it was Paul…

  8. B. Macon 06 Apr 2011 at 8:36 pm

    “Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.” That’s so casually psychotic that it sounds exactly like something Max (of Sam and Max fame notoriety) would say.

    For example, the phone rings…
    Max: Another confused census taker?
    Sam: Actually, it was the Commissioner with another idiotic and baffling assignment.
    Max, optimistic: Something entailing wanton destruction?
    Sam: We can only hope.

    PS: Mr. Crowley, I think it was Lennon. According to page 220 of Rock and Roll Cage Match: “In the end, of course, John, Paul, George and Ringo were the Beatles, and that lightning in a bottle never would have happened without any of them, despite Lennon joking—when asked if Ringo was the best drummer in the world—that ‘he isn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles.’ He was referring to the possibility that McCartney was supposedly the best drummer in the Beatles.”

  9. Sean Higginson 06 Apr 2011 at 9:24 pm

    I can never think of anything of this calliber on the spot. But then, that’s why I’m a writer, if you piss me off, I’ll insult you in fiction years in the future.

  10. Castilleon 06 Apr 2011 at 9:24 pm

    I was planning to save this little quip for a later novel in my ‘universe’.

    …But this is too good of an insult not to say it now.

    Greg: “Of course we have amnesty for Vampires. The government can get them a good job at the IRS using their natural talents.”

  11. B. Macon 06 Apr 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Someone on LinkedIn asked to use one of my IRS jokes in his book. (What’s the difference between the IRS and a burglar? The burglar doesn’t make you help).

  12. Anonymouson 05 May 2011 at 9:43 pm

    “Paparazzi are professional peeping Toms; and only professional in the sense that they are paid.”

  13. XosMelon 14 Jun 2013 at 12:43 pm

    That last one on the list is especially funny 😉

  14. Nayanon 14 Jun 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Uhe best insult I have heard:-

    If Justin Bieber and Rebecca
    Black were drowning and you
    could only save one, would you
    go to lunch or watch tv?

  15. NatashaTheSovieton 16 Jun 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Brick by brick, she’s building a madhouse.

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