Archive for the 'I’m not making this up' Category

Aug 19 2016

Out of the Past non-review

I provide advice about how to write novels, comic books and graphic novels. Most of my content applies to fiction-writing in general, but I also provide articles specifically about superhero stories.

Out of the Past is a 1947 noir thriller so brilliant I cannot do it justice. I would definitely recommend it, particularly if you’re working with…

  • Characters
  • Plots
  • Accidental deaths falsely claimed as murder-suicides
  • Double-crosses, triple-crosses, and maybe a quadruple-cross depending on how you interpret a self-defense kill with a fishing reel.
  • A complex plot that is extremely easy to follow as it unfolds.
  • A character falsely disgracing himself for the greater good, but more smoothly and dramatically than Batman taking the blame for Harvey Dent in Dark Knight. This is straight-up tragic.

4 responses so far

Jul 24 2012

Iron Man Virus Hits Iran?

Hackers with a Stark-like appreciation for AC/DC have apparently let Iran know about their musical tastes. “[Iranian nuclear facilities] have been hit again by a bizarre attack forcing nuclear plant workstations to pump the song Thunderstruck by heavy metal band AC/DC through the speakers at full volume.”  Among other things, this would suggest that the scene in Avengers where Tony Stark hijacks the PA system on a helicopter (to blare AC/DC) is plausible.

4 responses so far

May 20 2011

The CDC has a post on preparing for a zombie epidemic…

Unfortunately, it’s really just a generic “here’s what you should do to be ready for any disaster” plan with zombies thrown in for fun.  Food and medicine are great, but let’s be honest: You’re not actually ready for a zombie apocalypse until you have a machine gun and two bullets for everybody in the county.   (In case you miss, silly).

My zombie defense plan is counterintuitive, but it’s the most popular one in the world.

1. Get eaten.

2.  Whatever else happens, it’s not my problem.

 

5 responses so far

May 17 2011

CNN’s Quote of the Day

Watermelons do not burst only from rainfall.”  Memo to self: Don’t buy any Chinese watermelons.

9 responses so far

Jun 20 2010

Best headline ever

Oh, please. Like it's never happened to you before.

25 responses so far

May 20 2010

NINJAS

BBC: “The thieves were assaulting a German medical exchange student in Sydney, but the alleyway where they struck was next to a school for ninja warriors.”  Guys, when you make sure there are no witnesses or security cameras nearby, you might want to take note of the ninja school next time.

14 responses so far

Feb 18 2010

YES


As far as supernatural fantasies starring teen heroines go, this is pretty close to perfect.  But red-blooded Americans of the non-girl variety would probably like this better.  The bloody handprints were a cheery touch.

And here’s probably the funniest Hitler-themed video I’ve seen in, umm, ever.

2 responses so far

Sep 26 2009

Comic Books in the Courtroom

Here’s an amusing excerpt from a Washington Post article

“We are at a point where no one could have even imagined 15 years ago,” said Albert J. Lurigio, a professor of psychology and criminal justice at Loyola University who has written about electronic monitoring and privacy since a New Mexico judge, inspired by Spider-Man comics, became the first to sentence a defendant to home confinement with an electronic monitor

Does this mean we’re on the verge of surgically implanting explosive nanites in dangerous parolees? In your face, recidivism!

No responses yet

Jun 05 2009

“Funeral home closed after dismembering corpse to fit casket”

Ok, that settles it.  I’m getting cremated.

11 responses so far

Apr 30 2009

I love summer and so does Cthulhu

Summer Fun Cthulhu
Summer Fun Cthulhu! Speaking of summer, it looks like that guy in the back of the photo could use some extra sunlight.

8 responses so far

Mar 16 2009

Congress, the Comedic Gift that Keeps on Giving

Published by under I'm not making this up

This paragraph appeared in a Washington Post article about a miserably incompetent bank giving hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses: “The rhetoric grew so heated yesterday that Sen. Charles E. Grassley suggested in a radio interview that AIG executives ought to ‘follow the Japanese model… resign, or go commit suicide.’ An aide later explained he does not actually want executives to kill themselves.” Good to know!

22 responses so far

Dec 10 2008

Brawls at Chuck E. Cheese: “It was like something out of a Quentin Tarantino movie.”

Some choice excerpts from a decidedly wild profile of Chuck E. Cheese’s customers.

In Brookfield, Wis., no restaurant has triggered more calls to the police department since last year than Chuck E. Cheese’s.

Officers have been called to break up 12 fights, some of them physical, at the child-oriented pizza parlor since January 2007. The biggest melee broke out in April, when an uninvited adult disrupted a child’s birthday party. Seven officers arrived and found as many as 40 people knocking over chairs and yelling in front of the restaurant’s music stage, where a robotic singing chicken and the chain’s namesake mouse perform.

“The biggest problem is you have a bunch of adults acting like juveniles,” says Town of Brookfield Police Capt. Timothy Imler. “There’s a biker bar down the street, and we rarely get calls there.”…

In Toledo, Ohio, four women were charged with disorderly conduct after a melee erupted at a Chuck E. Cheese’s there last year. According to police reports, it started when parents complained to the restaurant manager that children were loitering at the drawing machine…

“I thought they were going to attack me,” says Sheri Kellar-Raab, the first officer who responded…

The company stationed armed security guards inside the restaurant in an effort to make it safer.”It was like something out of a Quentin Tarantino film,” says Mr. Zielinski, referring to the “Pulp Fiction” director. “What parent is going to take their kids to a place where there is alcohol and pistols get brandished?”

9 responses so far

Nov 25 2008

Does this sound remotely realistic?

Published by under I'm not making this up

A friend of a friend (who graduated from a pharmacy school with a 2.5/4.0 GPA) has supposedly been offered $3 million to spend six years as a permanent resident in a remote region of Alaska.  Is that remotely believable?

2 responses so far

Nov 13 2008

Larceny Tip of the Day: Don’t Go for the Computer

I can definitely relate to the protagonist of this article.

Arizona State University student Alex Botsios said he had no problem giving a nighttime intruder his wallet and guitars.

When the man asked for Botsios’ laptop, however, the first-year law student drew the line.

“I was like, ‘Dude, no — please, no!” Botsios said. “I have all my case notes…that’s four months of work!”

Police said Gabriel Saucedo entered Botsios’ apartment through an open window early Thursday morning. When Botsios woke up, Saucedo threatened him with a baseball bat, police said.

He was just like, ‘I’m going to smash your head in,'” Botsios said.

At that point, the law student wrestled the bat away and began punching Saucedo, Botsios said.

“I basically grabbed him and threw him this way, and he held onto the bat so it threw him to the ground,” he said.

Police said they took Saucedo to the hospital for stitches before they arrested him on charges of armed robbery and kidnapping. Other than a bruised knuckle and a few scratches, Botsios was unharmed.

5 responses so far

Nov 07 2008

Survival of the Fittest in Action

This story’s a little bit gross.

Continue Reading »

16 responses so far

Oct 21 2008

Miscellaneous Stupidity: Running Episodes out of Order, and Framingham State fundraising

Leading a series with a “pilot” that isn’t actually the first episode is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard of in any human endeavor.  Even using “blah blah blah blah blah” as a sentence in a university fundraising letter is not that inane.

When a network decides at the last moment to use another episode as the pilot, it’s essentially admitting that the first episode is too awful to air.  So they switch to something that was never meant to be used as a pilot in the first place.  Smooth.  That would be like an NFL coach telling his quarterback that he didn’t like the way he was throwing with his right arm, so he should play the next game with just his left.  A surefire plan for success!

No responses yet

Oct 12 2008

Alaska Ethics Commission Reports: Palin Fired Matt Parkman!

The New York Times confirms that the Alaskan state trooper in “Troopergate” is actually Matt Parkman, a former police officer best known for his psychic abilities and contributing to the rampant power inflation in the second season of Heroes.  She probably had him fired after he tried to give her some of the African crazy-beans that he’s been gorging on for the last two episodes.  “They’ll let you see the future!”  Riiiiight.

One response so far

Oct 09 2008

Classical Music Isn’t Punishment!

The Associated Press reports that a judge in Ohio offered to cut a fine for blaring rap music if the defendant listened to 20 hours of classical music. The defendant lasted 15 minutes.

One response so far

Oct 04 2008

Inane accusations and a question for our readers

Today we got an e-mail that asked “who’s paying you to crank this [expletive] out, the CIA?”  Well, no.  As far as I know, the CIA doesn’t offer grants for superhero novels, even kickass ones with accountants and mutant alligators from Homeland Security.  In fact, judging by my ramen account, it looks like no one is paying us to write this novel.

Continue Reading »

One response so far

Sep 06 2008

What do Metallica and the theme to Barney the Dinosaur have in common?

Hint: the Iraqi connection.

Continue Reading »

3 responses so far