Aug 25 2010

How could a Twilight parody be that bad?

Published by at 6:35 am under Comedy,Twilight

Vampires Suck is startlingly bad.  How could try something so easy–finding something hilariously awful about Twilight–and fail so badly?  It’s like going to Alaska and failing to find snow.  If you’re in the mood for a good Twilight parody, I recommend this fake screenplay. Here’s an excerpt:


BELLA: It’s tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can’t they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and cut myself?
CLASSMATE: You’re awesome, Bella!
BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey — who are those hot people over there?
CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don’t eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they’re Canadians.*
BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.
CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.
BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I’m not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow — LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don’t mind, I’d like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages.
CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.

*The makers of Vampires Suck stole this joke.

16 responses so far

16 Responses to “How could a Twilight parody be that bad?”

  1. Wingson 25 Aug 2010 at 12:22 pm

    There’s a group of four or five boys I know who are going to see this even if it crashes and burns, mostly out of principle. Naturally, I’m probably going with them*.

    It does not matter how badly it fails, it is the principle of the deed which truly matters.

    – Wings

    * Sadly enough, I may be the only girl in this group. Is everyone else my age a brainwashed Meyer slave?

  2. Beccaon 25 Aug 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Yeah, I was dragged along to see this. I knew it would be bad and my expectation was pretty much met. There were a couple funny moments, but it was mostly disappointing. And I wasn’t really impressed with the cheap shot at Canadians 😉

  3. B. Macon 25 Aug 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Especially when my own preposterously unfair Twilight Canadian-baiting is so much better. 😉

  4. Wingson 25 Aug 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Yeah, it’s gonna suck.

    …Why do I get the feeling that I will be one of the only teenage girls in the theater?

    And I am in full agreement on the superiority of B.Mac’s Twilight Canadian baiting.

    – Wings

  5. Beccaon 26 Aug 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Heyyyyyyyy! That one’s especially unfair, I live in BC, like four hours from Forks 😛

  6. B. Macon 26 Aug 2010 at 6:23 pm

    It’s about 25 miles from Forks to Canadian water, but 40 miles to Canadian land–Vancouver Island, a foreboding isle shrouded in blood-soaked mysteries, such as being named Vancouver Island even though Vancouver is not actually on it. Wily Canadians, trying to make it harder for America to seize Vancouver and get a really sweet continent bonus. 😉

  7. Beccaon 26 Aug 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Continent bonus LOL. Yes, many blood-soaked mysteries and terrible creatures, such as marmots and my grandmother. But, to counter: Washington, DC isn’t in Washington state. What’s up with that?

  8. B. Macon 26 Aug 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Hey, after the Canadians burned D.C., setting up a decoy felt sensible.

  9. Beccaon 26 Aug 2010 at 7:02 pm

    YES, I love that song! Good answer 😉

  10. Wingson 26 Aug 2010 at 8:12 pm

    “Hey, after the Canadians burned D.C., setting up a decoy felt sensible.”

    Funny, I thought that we were counting on the laser secreted within the Washington Monument and the Abe Lincoln “statue” which is actually a giant automaton to protect our nation’s capital from those dastardly Canadians. Or am I just misinformed?

    – Wings

  11. B. Macon 26 Aug 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Well, we needed to buy time before the defense systems came online. 😉

  12. Wingson 26 Aug 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Ah well. I’ll just wait here, in my underground lair, playing solitaire and polishing my fighter jet until those dastardly Canadians attack us and I can go make myself useful. 😉

    – Wings

  13. Beccaon 26 Aug 2010 at 8:49 pm

    We’re working on it. Give it another 2-3 years. First we have to sort out Quebec.

  14. Lucas Irineuon 01 Sep 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Haha, that script is awesome. Haven’t read or seen Twilight, but I know enough to see that the script is incredibly accurate to the real movie. 😛

  15. ShardReaperon 20 Sep 2010 at 10:51 am

    Strangely enough, the Twilight movie was a better parody than that. Seriously, watch the original Twilight, it’s comedy gold!

  16. XosMelon 14 Jun 2013 at 1:02 pm

    All i have to say is:


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