Aug 25 2010
How could a Twilight parody be that bad?
Vampires Suck is startlingly bad. How could try something so easy–finding something hilariously awful about Twilight–and fail so badly? It’s like going to Alaska and failing to find snow. If you’re in the mood for a good Twilight parody, I recommend this fake screenplay. Here’s an excerpt:
SCENE 2
BELLA: It’s tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can’t they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and cut myself?
CLASSMATE: You’re awesome, Bella!
BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey — who are those hot people over there?
CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don’t eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they’re Canadians.*
BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.
CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.
BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I’m not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow — LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don’t mind, I’d like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages.
CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.
*The makers of Vampires Suck stole this joke.
There’s a group of four or five boys I know who are going to see this even if it crashes and burns, mostly out of principle. Naturally, I’m probably going with them*.
It does not matter how badly it fails, it is the principle of the deed which truly matters.
– Wings
* Sadly enough, I may be the only girl in this group. Is everyone else my age a brainwashed Meyer slave?
Yeah, I was dragged along to see this. I knew it would be bad and my expectation was pretty much met. There were a couple funny moments, but it was mostly disappointing. And I wasn’t really impressed with the cheap shot at Canadians 😉
Especially when my own preposterously unfair Twilight Canadian-baiting is so much better. 😉
Yeah, it’s gonna suck.
…Why do I get the feeling that I will be one of the only teenage girls in the theater?
And I am in full agreement on the superiority of B.Mac’s Twilight Canadian baiting.
– Wings
Heyyyyyyyy! That one’s especially unfair, I live in BC, like four hours from Forks 😛
It’s about 25 miles from Forks to Canadian water, but 40 miles to Canadian land–Vancouver Island, a foreboding isle shrouded in blood-soaked mysteries, such as being named Vancouver Island even though Vancouver is not actually on it. Wily Canadians, trying to make it harder for America to seize Vancouver and get a really sweet continent bonus. 😉
Continent bonus LOL. Yes, many blood-soaked mysteries and terrible creatures, such as marmots and my grandmother. But, to counter: Washington, DC isn’t in Washington state. What’s up with that?
Hey, after the Canadians burned D.C., setting up a decoy felt sensible.
YES, I love that song! Good answer 😉
“Hey, after the Canadians burned D.C., setting up a decoy felt sensible.”
Funny, I thought that we were counting on the laser secreted within the Washington Monument and the Abe Lincoln “statue” which is actually a giant automaton to protect our nation’s capital from those dastardly Canadians. Or am I just misinformed?
– Wings
Well, we needed to buy time before the defense systems came online. 😉
Ah well. I’ll just wait here, in my underground lair, playing solitaire and polishing my fighter jet until those dastardly Canadians attack us and I can go make myself useful. 😉
– Wings
We’re working on it. Give it another 2-3 years. First we have to sort out Quebec.
Haha, that script is awesome. Haven’t read or seen Twilight, but I know enough to see that the script is incredibly accurate to the real movie. 😛
Strangely enough, the Twilight movie was a better parody than that. Seriously, watch the original Twilight, it’s comedy gold!
All i have to say is:
trolololololololololololol