Agent Orange: Contrary to popular belief, the New York Times is not actually the most anti-American news outlet. CSPAN is far more dangerous, and not just because it is more accurate than the average comic book. You couldn’t design anti-American propaganda more effective than around-the-clock Congressional coverage.

Jimmy, age 6, asks: what’s the difference between alligators and crocodiles? Aren’t they like the same thing?

Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, answers:

No, Jimmy, gators aren’t like crocodiles. Comparing alligators to crocodiles is like comparing college to kindergarten. Or a F-22 to a Cessna. Alligators are distinctly superior, whether you look at intelligence, awesomeness or humility.

1. Alligators (A) are friendly and have a skull that isn’t shaped like a demented cheese wedge (B). Also, alligators aren’t flagrantly repulsive.
2. Crocodiles plague most of the world but alligators reside in only the US and China. This proves that being a superpower is 100% caused by gators.
3. Alligators are Florida’s official state reptile. (In your face, geckos).

Alligators are good-natured and friendly, even when attacked by mammals

Mammals love being around alligators

Alligators are outgoing and neighborly

The gator’s first plan was thwarted by his unfortunate lack of opposable thumbs. But his pizza boy strategy will eventually succeed.

Crocodiles are incomprehensibly stupid

Intelligent species have wondered for eons what the purpose of crocodiles is. We’re still wondering, but it probably has something to do with making lemmings feel better about themselves.

Crocodiles are bad at everything

Crocodiles deal drugs to kids

Crocodiles bring ruination and despair

The crocodile—savage killing machine, or the best argument against Botswana tourism?

Photograph courtesy of Botswana, whose perpetual economic turmoil and total geopolitical insignificance obviously stem from its plague of crocodiles.

Tailnotes

If you found this discussion of the differences between alligators and crocodiles informative, please see my account of a week in crocodile hell, courtesy of the US Congress.

Additionally: if you’ve read some of the chapters of Superhero Nation, Retcon thinks that you might get confused by continuity errors. If you are cleared to do so, please read the attached briefing.

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