Which classes are best for you?

For applicants who want to BS future interviewers: Igneous and Metamorphic Petrology, Computational Biophysics and Systems Biology

For applicants that don’t care what their interviewers will think: Hong Kong Action Cinema, Sport and Spectacle in the Ancient World, Introduction to Excel

For applicants to counterterrorist think tanks that wouldn’t object to cutting out a clause to, uhh, “save space” on their resumes: Cultures of Fear: Analyzing Horror Films

For students that are either unusually uncreative or terrible at geography: The West of Ireland: An Imagined Space

For prospective OSI Human Resources agents: Human Resources in High Performing Organizations, Business Intelligence, or Mammology.

For students not too concerned about job-applicable learning: Directed Readings in Physical Education

For students that probably need to study less and get out more: Sociology of Sexual Behavior

For students that hopefully won’t design any structure that I ever set foot in: Archaeology of Gender

For either open-minded non-Catholics or (more likely) students that need to attend mass more regularly: What Catholics Believe

For students that are unoptimistic about management-employee relations: Slavery, Captivity, and the Company Store in American History

For morbidly depressed students: Nuclear Warfare or Abnormal Psychology.

For students that want to be morbidly depressed: Reading “Ulysses”

For prospective entertainers: Game Theory. (Wait…)

********************************************************

I’m now reading through the course catalog for the third time, trying to find classes that will fit into gaps in my schedule.

I was sitting there, disappointed by our security offerings, when I caught a glimpse of Homeland Security: Surveillance, Terror… and I got excited.

Then I look through its catalog entry.

ENGLISH 40728 – Homeland Security: Surveillance, Terror and Citizenship in America

Close readings of various 20th-century African-American literatures, with foci on how “black subjectivity” is created; the relationship between literature, history, and cultural mythology; the dialectic of freedom and slavery in American rhetoric; the American obsession with race; and the sexual ideology and competing representations of domesticity.

I’ll admit that when I think of Homeland Security surveillance and American citizenship, sexual ideology/domesticity, black subjectivity and the dialectic of slavery are not the first things that come to mind. I find it hilarious that it mentions the “American obsession with race” when the professor has turned a class about homeland security into a discussion of slavery and black subjectivity.

I recommend, as a more honestly marketed alternative, the African Studies Department’s Slavery, Captivity and the Company Store in American History. I still have no idea what the Company Store allusion means, but that’s why you should take the course, obviously. J

Doctor Savant: “Do you know what the difference between you and I is?”

Lash: “I make this look good?”

Doctor Savant: “A Ph. D and 200 I.Q. points.”

In eager anticipation of DHS moat duty, an alligator has taken it upon himself to devour an alleged burglar.

Tribal police divers searched for the man that night, then again Friday morning and afternoon.  During the third dive, the body was recovered.  It bore alligator teeth marks on the upper torso.

The Miami-Dade County Medical Examiner Department said the cause of death was an alligator attack.  [I hope taxpayers didn’t spend too much for that autopsy].

I suppose employee orientation will have to include something about due process.  That’ll probably be an interesting conversation.

“Due process of law, dammit, law!  Not jaw!”

This Youtube video has nothing to do with superheroes but is still one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.  It’s hard to describe, but it has something to do with a man’s growing obsession with The Delicious, which is a bizarre and ritualistic dance associated with a bright pantsuit.  The first minute or two are kind of slow but I promise it’s worth it.

[This is part 3 of the Catastrophe strand]

Journalist:  Do you feel discriminated against?

Catastrophe: Someone called me an egghead once…

Journalist:  Has anyone ever made untoward cartoonophobic comments, glared at you, suggested a government internment camp or secret holding/dissection facility, or shifted uncomfortably when you moved near?

Catastrophe:  Hmm, yes.

Journalist:  Really!  The internment camp, I hope.

Catastrophe:  I notice that children…

Journalist:  Yes, children, excellent… they haven’t learned to hide their prejudices yet…

Catastrophe: …have an unseemly tendency to approach me…

Journalist:  Out with it, man.  Out with it!

Catastrophe:  And ask if I’ll get around to killing the son of a bitch in the sequel.
Journalist:  …

Journalist:  …

Journalist:  What about stereotypes?  Do you find that people tend to stereotype you as a cartoon-American?
Catastrophe:  What, umm, stereotypes did you have in mind?

Journalist:  You know… stereotypes… of cartoons.

Catastrophe:  [???]

Journalist:  Christ, man, don’t make that face again.

Catastrophe:  What?

Journalist:  That face!

Catastrophe:  [???]

Journalist:  GAH!  It looks like you’re ready to cleave my skull open with the power of your mind and suck my brains out.

Catastrophe:  If I gave you a look as puzzled as you deserved, I think it would melt your face off.

Agent Black: The quintessential yes-or-no question of our times is not “do you want to win the war on terror?”  There are actually two: “do you feel safe in New York City?” and “Should you?”

[this is part 2 of the Catastrophe quote thread].

Journalist:  What about your superpowers?

Catastrophe:  What superpowers?

Journalist:  What do you mean, ‘what superpowers?’  How could you be turned into a cartoon character and not get superpowers?  Even effing frogs– not cartoon frogs, mind you– turn into super ninjas.  You wouldn’t happen to have developed something earth-shatteringly interesting, would you?  Strong proclivities towards violence, particularly with melee weapons?

Catastrophe:  Well, I don’t suppose I could rule out a superhuman intell…

Journalist:  Fine, fine.  I’ll just say you don’t know yet.

Agent Orange: “If journalism is really the first draft of history, we need some keen editors.”

Journalist:  Mr. Berkeley…

Catastrophe:  Doctor.  Bar-keley.  Doctor Barkeley.

Journalist: Well, if you have just a momen–

Catastrophe: Doctor Barkeley.

Journalist:  Doctor Barkeley, if you have a moment–

Catastrophe:  We’ve met before, haven’t we?

Journalist:  Yes.  Believe me when I say it was an unforgettable experience… one that won’t soon be forgotten, anyway.

Catastrophe:  Ah.  Was it the lecture on the relational degree of freedom in quantum mechanics?  I’ve also done work in noncommutative dynamics and I’ve been branching out into mathematics…

Journalist:  As fascinating as those undoubtedly are, I can’t remember what the topic of your lecture was.  But I’m pretty sure that you were a non-purple human at the time.  I think that I probably would remember if that had not been the case.

Catastrophe:  …and my thesis on combinatorial mathematics– I suppose the more accepted term is ‘combinatorics’– is coming along quite nicely.  Peer view has been favorable.  Do you need help spelling ‘combinatorics?’

Journalist:  Unless it has something to do with you taking on a startling resemblance to a cartoon character, no.

Catastrophe:  Well, there was, uhh… an unfortunate incident with a wizard.  He cursed me.

Journalist:  I can’t print that!

Catastrophe: Fine. Fine! I had been contracted to help produce a sunscreen that would permanently make skin more resistant to solar radiation. Or so I had thought! I discovered, to my chagrin, that the “sunscreen” was actually a weapons-grade mutagen.

Journalist:  How did you determine that?

Catastrophe:  An esteemed colleague threw me in it.

Journalist: …

Journalist: …

Journalist: …

Journalist:  What’s the name of this wizard, again?

Two questions.

1. Do you live outside of Austin or San Antonio?
2. Do you hate puppies?

If you answered no to both questions, look into the TSA’s puppy adoption program.

(Sorry, Oklahoma… this is just another reason Texas is cooler).

Everybody knows that ladies go nuts for puppies and Texan ladies swoon especially for servicepuppies.  Fortunately, you can get the ladies and save the day, thanks to the servicepuppy adoption program.

You don’t hate servicepuppies, do you?

CPT America will be featured in a Veteran’s Day comic sold at military base stores.

The Army and Air Force Exchange Service asked Marvel’s VP for business development to include Captain America and he “agreed because no other character better symbolizes the heroism and patriotism of the American soldier,” the VP said.

That’s funny, kind of. I’d be kind of insulted… well, really insulted if someone said I were as patriotic as Captain Anti-America. Sadly, The Hood (a Marvel anti-hero that trafficks in drugs and blood diamonds and accidentally kills a cop) makes a far stronger case for being patriotic.  He gets extra points for a hilarious reference to Guiliani Time.  

In Marvel’s comics for servicemen, there’s a big two-page spread that puts America in a romantic pose in front of the American flag that wouldn’t have been ridiculous, say, decades ago, when Captain America actually supported the American military.

Posing CPT America in front of an American flag is horribly two-faced.

1. Well, he’s a traitor and/or rebel.  He couldn’t bring himself to be as enthusiastic about fighting terrorists and registering superheroes as the government and people expected, which is fair.  Retiring would have been entirely acceptable. Instead he took it upon himself to militarily prevent the government from doing so, which is quite solidly treasonous.
2. Even before he rebelled in Civil War, his plotlines almost always featured the US government as a nefarious and sinister actor.  The details are blurry to me, but for example he beat the crap out of a sadistic and villainous Navy captain.
3. He’s never been very enthusiastic about either fighting terrorists or, frankly, America.  National Review argues that CPT America’s New Deal comics show that he is a terrorist sympathizer.  I wouldn’t go that far, but his recurring criticisms of the Dresden firebombing are pretty unrealistically severe for a WWII veteran.  Real soldiers–particularly ones that fought the Nazis, I’d imagine– aren’t that squeamish.  My impression is that servicemen overwhelmingly believe that the WWII bombing raids were justified on the basis of shortening the war and reducing casualties on both sides.  It seems a lot like Marvel’s writers have a certain set of views and they use CPT America as a mouthpiece to voice them, no matter how wildly implausible it would be for a WWII-era soldier to have them.  It would probably be more appropriate, I think, to have a younger America replacement make the revisionist case that the Dresden bombing is wrong;  I think that having the original America justify the bombing is probably truer to the source material, at least Captain America circa 1945. 
4. There is a major disconnect between the civic values of America’s servicemen and Captain America. America doesn’t seem to mind very much attacking Americans whenever he thinks it’s his duty to do so, which is unsettlingly often.  

Perhaps I should rest assured that “AMERICA SUPPORTS YOU”!  The comics are selling well, I guess, so maybe I’m looking at this too cynically.  I wonder who would admit to buying a comic book on a military base .  I’ll have to ask around at Parris Island this summer.   

On the other hand, Spiderman is pretty kickass.  I’d be OK with his support any time.  Even Wolverine and the Fantastic Four seem to know how it is. 

Office of Special Investigation’s Retroactive Continuity branch mission statement: “Fixing history, one day at a time.”

A supervillain is easily identifiable because power is sexy.  That’s why we always get the best women (no one really wants to date a mild-mannered reporter or an inept freelance-photographer).  But superheroes are also easy to identify if you know what to look for: the bumbling factor.  The more bumbling someone is, the more superpowers he’s waiting to unleash. For example, the last time my henchmen attempted to break into a presidential convention, they got absolutely shellacked by Tucker Carlson. If you have ever wondered whether someone that looks that bumbling could only get on TV because he was really a superhero, you’re not alone.

There’s really no way to know how many of my plots have been spoiled by Carlson and Alan Colmes, but I’d feel pretty confident saying that they’re the main barrier between me and global domination.

I’d give you two guesses whether it’s Hannity or Colmes that’s the bane of supercriminals everywhere. Remember, people that look bumbling are dangerous. And anyone that looks as bumbling as Colmes can strangle your best assassins with his mind.  Interestingly, Sean Hannity is also a superhero, but any supervillain that fears a conservative diversity hero should reconsider his line of work.

Unsurprisingly, the talk radio guy doesn’t know how important it is to keep his appearance secret.

The Refrigerator of DOOM

Doctor Savant: “Before we open my refrigerator, you better take this.”

Lash: “What the hell, a flame thrower?”

Doctor Savant: “Just in case.”

Lash: “Just in case of what?”

Doctor Savant: “Exactly.”

Captain Carnage: “I reckon I’d be plum crazy if I didn’t say Texas is the doggoned smartest place in South America.”

Captain Carnage: “We have a Department of Defense. We need a Department of Offense.”

Hello. Today, I started running a Quote of the Day. I’ve already got the next two weeks covered.