The International Society of Supervillains has the dirt on “superheroes” that are really tools. Reed Richards, Namor and Superman take the cake.

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Alexander Tafari had to be very careful around his neighbors. He had to be careful because half-elves were not well liked by humans. Alex was of ordinary height and his brown skin was forgettable, but he was nevertheless marked. His ears were pointed, and his curly black hair had a slight red sheen. If his ears raised suspicion, having an odd hair color removed any doubt.
Mora, Alex’s hometown, was a city of gates. When Alex passed these gates, he was greeted, or not greeted rather, in different ways. When he passed the gate to Mora’s wealthy community, he received glares of contempt. When he passed the gate of the poor, he often met fearful eyes, if anyone was brave enough to come out and look at him at all. But the poor children seemed to regard him as a curiosity and an amusement. Alex smiled at them and sometimes tossed them an apple or a piece of candy.

–I’m still not sure about the smoothness here, but OK.  Moving on…

In the marketplace the sea of people parted before Alex, and he could move through the crowd fairly easily. The good townspeople wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of a half-elf would die, and painfully. Also, they weren’t drunk enough to make an attempt at stoning. The cabbage merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected something worse than robbery. He put on a tough face, but his body reeked of fear.

–I’d recommend a comma after marketplace.

–It may be possible to replace “he could move through the crowd fairly easily”  by using a verb that implies how easily he moved through the crowd.  For example, what would you think about “he cut through the crowd”?

“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” His voice trembled.

“That’s just too bad,” Alex said with a sigh, slowly approaching. “Well, if you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.” Alex gave the man a left-sided smirk.

“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now just leave me alone or–”

“Or what?”

The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. “I’ll call the guards. They’ll know how to deal with your kind.”

It wasn’t an idle threat. Alex had been in altercations with the town guards before, such as the instance when he had been falsely accused of putting a curse on Farmer Dunkel’s wheat. The arrest attempt did not end well. Today, Alex had noticed some of same guards shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near. He really didn’t want a repeat of the wheat crop incident.

–”The arrest attempt did not end well.”  This is a bit vague.  I think that we’d be better off if we knew what sort of parameters were limiting Alex in this town.  What would you think about throwing in a reference to the Knights here?

–”Alex had been in altercations…” is a bit passive.  What would you think about “Last year, the guards roughed him up after he had been falsely accused of cursing Farmer Dunkel’s wheat”?

“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street. He then locked eyes with the man, letting the sand slip through his fingers. “I seem to recall the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’ disintegrated into a thousand tiny pieces. A half-elf without cabbage is a half-elf without patience, and an impatient half-elf is bound to make your other potential customers really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. And who could blame them.” It wouldn’t be the first time this tactic had worked.

Sweat poured down the merchant’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. Not so much because of the threat, but because he couldn’t afford to lose customers. “You can’t threaten me, boy. I’ll call the guards! You know how many of you have tried this little stunt? I’ll have you arrested!”

“Call them, call them now! They’re useless!” Alex pulled out a knife and cut across his left palm, allowing the blood to flow down his hand and drip onto the counter of merchant’s booth. “Watch this,” he said. After a few seconds the blood flow stopped and the cut healed, leaving no trace. Alex smiled. It was time to stretch the truth.

–Explaining why his blood stops flowing in 5-10 words may help.

“Last time, I regrew both arms and a leg before the guards gave up,” he said. Truthfully, after the wheat crop incident, he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have. “And that’s not all.”

–I like “he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have.”  I think that stylishly introduces us to the character and his powers, and also clarifies that he’s bluffing here.

Alex set his knife on the counter and covered it with a scrap of cloth that he carried for just such occasions. He waved his hands over the veiled knife, speaking some indiscernible words in Duenda, the elven tongue. He then slammed his fist on top of it. When Alex removed the cloth, there was nothing on the counter except dust. It was an old illusion his father had taught him. Alex then waved the cloth before the merchant’s face, and produced the knife in his hand with a flourish.

“I can use my power to destroy weapons far larger than this knife. I can also produce them out of thin air. These are only a small sample of my abilities. I don’t think you want to see more.” When bluffing didn’t work, sleight of hand usually did.

The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! T-take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Halfling!”

Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. The familiar, ever-present scourge: halfling. But that was what Alex was, fathered by a human, born of an elven mother. A child of two worlds, citizen of none.

Once his anger dissipated, Alex wondered for a moment whether or not he should have felt guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. He immediately dismissed the idea. Guilt was out of the question.

Humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-elves. The half-elven, in fact, half-anythings, were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were all as volatile as blasting oil, just waiting to destroy everything in sight. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics. But then he thought, Would Father approve?

–Depending on his relationship with his father and his maturity, “would Father approve?” might work.  What would you think about a slightly younger-sounding expression like “what would Dad say?”  (Alternatively, you could replace say with do, if his dad is more of a role model than a judge).

If anyone talked about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier never spoke threats, he only gave warnings, and those never in vain. He was quite highly regarded, despite having married an elf. He also was known for being short on patience and long on retribution. Like father, like son. Well, except that Alex was a bluffer when necessary.

–I’d recommend replacing the phrase “was a bluffer” with “bluffed.”

The humans of Mora prided themselves on their normality, and to them, having an oddity like Alex around was a scourge on their very way of life. To them, Mora was supposed to be a charming town on the banks of the Nuba River, where the beautiful landscape was already tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. The green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of August, dropping their leaves on the rolling hills. A fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. A place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. The presence of a halfling destroyed this image. They feared him, they hated him, and once a mob even got up the courage to attempt to stone him. Oh, Mora was charming alright. Charming like a wolverine.

As he walked, crunching the fall leaves and kicking at a rock in his path, Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. Karen. She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid her. I really don’t want to deal with her right now, Alex thought. Karen was his cousin, but she was also very skilled at irritating him. Alex could not tolerate her.

–”I really don’t want to deal with her right now.”  I’d recommend having this get narrated as something like “He really didn’t want to deal with her right now.”

Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-elven. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. The humans were always talking about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember.

–I like this description of her silvery hair and voice.  “The humans” is also an excellent phrase that, I think, makes Alex feel realistic.  Ironically, I think that makes me like him more even though he’s using a slightly chilly expression to refer to humans as a whole.  (It’s not as nasty as “your kind,” though, so I don’t think we’ll think of him as a human-hater).

The battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.

Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and lowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He thought to disguise himself among the masses. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-elven features.

–”He thought to disguise himself…”  I’d recommend replacing this with an action (what he does to disguise himself) and something to show us how much it annoys him that he has to disguise himself, but he would do anything to best Karen, etc.

Karen would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”

Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran towards the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one fourteen-year-old boy among the hundreds who gathered in the square? Certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl. Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.

“Nice try, Alex. Next time you want to hide in a crowd, be sure to find a large group of people who have pointed ears and red-black hair,” Karen said with a smug look on her face. “If you weren’t so brazen and stubborn, you might learn to wear a hood.”

Alex narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on the groceries. He had been forced to engage his adversary. “How did you catch up to me?”

“You’re not the only one with elven blood. I’m just as fast as you are, even faster. There’s no way in the heavens that you could have escaped me.”

Alex swallowed a hostile statement and furrowed his brow in the sheer effort it took for him to keep his composure. “What do you want Karen? As you can see, I have groceries to deliver.”

–comma in between “want Karen”, I think.

Just then, a burly man with a scraggly beard swaggered over. He brandished a sword at Alex. “Miss, is this ‘ere ‘alflin’ botherin’ you?”

–The phrase “just then” may be unnecessary.  What do you think?

Then Alex realized that Karen hid her ears under her long hair. She looked like a human. A platinum blonde human.

“No. He couldn’t threaten me on his best day. If he tries, they’ll have nothing but a corpse for the hanging.”

The man walked away, laughing. Alex fumed. “Karen, I’m going to–”

“To what? In case you’ve forgotten, attacking a human is a hanging crime, halfling.”

“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not one of them.” Alex dropped the groceries and lunged toward Karen, knocking her to the ground. “I have had it up to here with you, ‘cousin’! When I finish, all of Aunt Kayla’s medicine won’t be able to heal your wounds.” Alex had Karen pinned. He looked into her eyes as she realized that she was trapped. There was only one way she could win, and he was forcing her to take it. “Do it,” he whispered. “Do it now, in full view of everyone here. Do it so they will all know the truth.” Alex could see sweat gathering on her forehead. “Or are you too scared of being branded a half-elf, like me.” He had her.

–I think your rewrite of this paragraph is quite good.  I like it a lot.

–If there are people in this scene, I would recommend having them walk around as the kids are sparring.  It’s just a regular day in Mora, I suppose.  (Then they freak out when the kids start letting lose the lightning and fire).

“Lumis,” she whispered. Immediately a bolt of light shot out from her body, driving Alex to the ground several feet away.

Alex was sore, but he smiled. He had gotten exactly the reaction he had wanted. Now she is exposed for what she truly is. Unfortunately, that blast was only half of her full power, he thought. As he stood to challenge Karen, he assumed the wolf fighting stance and whispered, “Vaichar ”. Balls of fire engulfed his hands as he assumed a fighting stance. “Ladies first,” he called.

–I think that “he had gotten the reaction he had wanted.  Now she is exposed for what she truly is” is a bit redundant with the paragraph where he has her pinned.  I think it’s sufficient that he smiles when she blasts him.  It may help to focus on the bystanders here.  As soon as things go crazy here, I’d recommend having people run for their lives, etc.  If people are afraid of half-elves, this is probably your best chance to show that.

Karen flipped her hair out of her face and fired another light beam towards Alex. He dodged the blow, inadvertently causing a nearby fruit stand to explode.

So much for the groceries, Alex thought. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, but he found himself enjoying it anyway. He would win this time. Even if he didn’t, no one would ever mistake Karen for a human after today. He tossed a flaming watermelon while dodging another light beam, all the while edging closer. He weaved towards Karen, tossing burning fruit as he ran. Once he got close enough, he threw a punch. Karen blocked it and returned a blow. As they fought, Alex’s attacks were quick and savage, while Karen’s attacks were strong and deliberate.
Soon they were in a deadlock. Karen threw Alex back and looked up to discover that they both were surrounded by guards. “Halt! Hands above your head. Now.”

–If you italicize so much for the groceries, I think the pacing of the sentence would be a bit better if you removed “Alex thought.”

–”This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid” is not completely consistent with him goading her into revealing what she was, but OK.

The kids swiftly complied. Alex was nervous, and from the look of it, so was Karen. They could die at any moment. {In retrospect, not a great idea. How am I going to get out of this one?} This time, bluffing was not an option. “Is there a problem, officers?” Alex snapped in a low voice.

–”How am I going to get out this one?“  You could probably turn this into an action by having him look for possible escapes and finding none.

A soldier walked forward and knocked Alex to the ground with the butt of his spear, holding him down with his foot. Another walked over to Karen and punched her. As soon as he made contact, a pulse of light sent him to the ground. Alex turned his head to see Karen standing in a trancelike state with glowing eyes and hair. She then emitted another, brighter pulse, blinding the guards. Alex then saw her drop, unconscious.

Throwing off his blind would-be captor, Alex rushed over to Karen. He didn’t like her, in fact at times he hated her, but he would have to explain everything when he got home, and it sure would help if she was alive. {She has a pulse.} Alex breathed a sigh of relief. But his relief was short lived. Now, not the regular city guard, but the Royal Guard had arrived. They carried broader shields, longer spears, and even their horses wore armor. If that wasn’t enough, Alex spotted a wicked assortment of maces, flails, swords, javelins, crossbows, and throwing blades. Great. Just great. I’m tired, I failed to get the groceries home, my cousin is unconscious, and now I have to fight Princepia’s finest! As he knelt there, a small voice in the back of his head suggested that he surrender, but his willfulness crowded it out. If he fought, he couldn’t win, but at least he might escape, and any chance was looking good right now.

–I’d recommend taking out the italicized phrase here.  It’s already pretty self-explanatory that he’s having a bad day, and I think that the detail about fighting Princepia’s finest may mislead readers about what is about to happen.

The captain rode forward on his mount. He asked a nearby man, “Is this the one?”

The man shouted, “That’s him, cap’n. He threatened to kill me, so he did. Watch him, he can vaporize your men, and pull weapons from the thin air!”

Alex was now regretting his run-in with the cabbage merchant.

The soldiers, captain included, laughed at the latter accusation. “Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human…”

Guilty, Alex thought.

“Disturbing the peace…”

Guilty, Alex thought.

“And committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery.”

At this, Alex snapped to attention. “What the heck? I’m no sorcerer!”

–This may confuse readers.  His fire-based powers would probably seem more like magic/sorcery to readers than anything else at this point.  If there’s an important difference between what he just did and sorcery, I’d recommend having him respond indignantly with something like “I’m a half-elf, not a sorcerer.”

“Surrender now, or face His Majesty’s wrath.”

“Um, somehow I think I’ll face His Majesty’s wrath even if I do surrender. I’d rather take my chances.” Alex wiped away a bead of sweat. He fought to keep his voice steady despite his violently throbbing heart.

“So be it.” The captain turned, motioning to his men. He said coldly, “Kill them.” Thirty spears were now leveled at Alex and his cousin, who was beginning to awaken.

“Wait, Captain,” his lieutenant whispered. “These half-elf children are surely Telessars. If we slaughter them now, the Knights will see it as an act of war, a direct threat and an intrusion on their jurisdiction.”

“Lieutenant Grader, the Knights have no jurisdiction. They operate outside the laws of man…and nature!”

“Perhaps Captain, but they do have His Majesty’s sanction to operate within his realms. If we violate such a sacred trust we may not only incur the wrath of the Knights, but the King himself! Let us wait, and allow the Knights to punish these urchins. Or better yet, hold them in prison. The Knights will surely come for them, and then we may charge them, and the Knights as well, with treason, threatening His Majesty’s sovereignty, jailbreaking, and whatever else you like, sir. It would be prudent.”

–I like this paragraph a lot better.  The phrase “whatever else you like” does a great job of characterizing the captain, the legal system and the charges brought against the kids.

“Hmmm. You make an excellent point, Lieutenant Grader. Very well. Men, take the prisoners to the Watchtower of Nezar.”

A royal guardsman prodded Alex with the butt of his spear. “Come on then. Move it!” Both Alex and Karen were shackled and led away by armed guards.
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ARCHIVED BRETT REVIEWS

Brett Review 1 (Archived on Dec 1 2008)

Brett Review 2 (Archived on Dec 5 2008)

Brett Review 3 (Archived on Dec 7 2008)

Agent Orange: I just had a dream that the villain was the sentient White House.

Captain Carnage: You weren’t dreaming.

Agent Orange …

Agent Orange: I’m going back to sleep.