Archive for the 'Agent Orange' Category

Mar 07 2008

Alligator Semantics

Published by under Agent Orange,Comedy

I provide advice about how to write novels, comic books and graphic novels. Most of my content applies to fiction-writing in general, but I also provide articles specifically about superhero stories.

Agent Orange:

“English-speaking mammals instinctively understand that gators are friendly and helpful. It’s no accident that, when you are lost, you call for a navi-gator. When you need to solve a mystery, you call an investi-gator. When you need to inflict unspeakable harm and misery upon your enemies, you call a liti-gator. English-speakers are similarly perceptive about crocodiles. For example, you might hear the phrase ‘what a crock’ used to describe something that is entirely without merit (see also ‘crock of shit’).”

No responses yet

Feb 25 2008

Got leeches?

I don’t mean to demean the risks of a terrorist attack or chain-saw murder spree, but Americans have generally discounted the threat of a death by face-leech. There are worse deaths than a face-leeching, but most involve IRS audits.  And blenders.

–Agent Orange

No responses yet

Feb 25 2008

Agent Orange’s Guide to Animals

3 responses so far

Feb 14 2008

Quote of the Day: 2/14/08

Ultimately, governments do two things: take taxes and kill things.  Do I look like I’m from the IRS?

–Agent Orange

No responses yet

Jan 31 2008

Schedule of the Day

One of the Google searches that brought someone to Superhero Nation was “what do alligators do all day?” Agent Orange, our resident mutated alligator, provides his daily schedule.

1 AM: I respond to a WMD scare in Surf City. (It was just a death ray).

2: A purported representative of the British government calls, asking for urgent help “to stop an impending act of anti-supervillain activity.” Terrorist! I hang up.

2:30: Britain reports that Doctour Nefarious just carried out “anti-supervillain activity” at Big Ben. The reports don’t mention which supervillain he acted against, but I’m betting Jihad Joe or Paingod.

2:35: I call the Ministry of Defense and ask them to pass along my congratulations to Nefarious for turning on his evil compatriots. They swore and hung up on me. (And they wonder why we declared independence).

3: A genetically-engineered slime monster attacks Surf City. Dr. Darpa suggests that a salt-spray will kill it, but he doesn’t mention that salting it will send slime shooting for blocks in every direction.

3:10: Showering.

3:30: Still showering.

3:45: I get dressed. I’m feeling dangerous today, so I reach for a black tie instead of my usual navy blue.

4: I brush my teeth. (Yeah, I brush my teeth, too—it just takes more time).

4:30: Still brushing.

4:45: I check my voice-mail. IRS Agent Percy Leguin called again to complain that the Office of Special Investigations is doing too much “showboating,” by which he means investigating crime that Americans actually care about. The bitch insinuates that OSI agents couldn’t handle IRS work.

5: A citizen that incorrectly filled out a 1040-DX Schedule ECQ gets a very special no-knock home visit about why filling out a proper 1040-DK Schedule FIS is important. I’m sure it’s a mistake he won’t make again.

6: Downstairs, I encounter Agent Black and Captain Carnage discussing female-mammals. For reasons unclear to me, talking about mammalian matters makes Agent Black pathologically forgetful. Unsurprisingly, as soon as he sees me, Black mentions that he’s forgotten his ammo. When I offer to go find some for him, he smiles. (I’m so helpful).

6:30– I come back with the ammo, but Black’s gone. (Mammals). I’ll find him later.

7– As part of the ongoing Friendly Skies program, I get a free ticket to New York. Having a uniformed federal agent on a plane tends to terrify mammals, so I just told anyone within earshot that I was just scamming a first-class ticket. That calms them down considerably. (Mammals).

7:45– Mike is also on the plane with me! He is conspicuously surly and says that “I’m going to carpet-bomb your neural nodes if you ask about the Gators game again.” I don’t remember having spoken to the mind-wiper earlier today. I decide that until Mike gets unsurly, he doesn’t deserve to talk about the Gators.

8– On my way to the office, I stumble upon two gunmen attempting to rob a Caribou Coffee. They are not successful.

8:05– Waiting for NYPD.

8:10– Still waiting.

8:15– I assume that I’ll be here a while. I ask the cashier which species of caribou they have on hand. I’m especially partial to Rocky Mountain caribou, but even Alaskan elk are better than whatever else you can find in New York.

8:17– The cashier admits to me that Caribou Coffee does not actually sell caribou. I make a note to inform the Better Business Bureau of bait-and-switch advertising– they lure in unsuspecting customers with promises of caribou and then sell them coffee instead. (Mammals). Two NYPD officers walk in; I trust that they will take care of this criminal cesspool of deception and lies.

8:45– I reach the local police station and start filling out paperwork related to the coffeeshop arrest.

10– Still paperworking.

10:30– A detective asks me if I’d like some coffee or something. Unless coffee means caribou, no.

10:45– A captain interrupts me. Space slugs are clogging the Hudson again. I tell him that I’m still doing paperwork, but he calls my bluff by offering to handle the paperwork himself. I ask which way it is to the Hudson.

10:55—Goddamn. This was a new suit.

11: I walk down to the Office’s New York branch. Raul, our lobby guard, starts quizzing me with questions designed to weed out potential shapeshifters.

11:05: “Raul, I am coated in slug slime. Let me in immediately or you will regret it. “What does the 5th amendment say, sir?” “Here’s the abridged version. No person shall be deprived of life or limb without due process of law. Without due process, Raul.” He lets me in.

11:45– Still showering.

12 PM: The University of Florida calls. They want help creating a tagline for Albert the Florida Gator’s new clothing line. They like “Prepare to Get Swamped” but think that “Chomping Your Ass Since 1908” sends mixed messages.

12:15: They don’t like “Be a Gator, Not a Hater” either.

12:30—I walk down to the cafeteria and find… Agent Black! I hand him his ammo. He gives me a confused look. He has not only forgotten his ammo, he has forgotten that he has forgotten it. I swear! He’d forget his tail if he had one.

12:35—“He’d forget his tail if he had one.” Aha! I’ve stumbled onto the reason that Agent Black doesn’t have one.

4 responses so far

Jan 29 2008

Quote of the Day (1/14/08)

Agent Orange: This has been troubling me for weeks: humans are obviously tail-deficient but claim to have a “tailbone.” Why is that?

Agent Black: Beats me. Whenever something about mutated alligators confuses me, it’s usually just because we’re hundreds of millions of years ahead of you evolutionarily.

Orange: …!

Orange: Tails are really useful. You’re jealous you don’t have one.

Black: Quoteth Calvin to Hobbes: they’re neckties for the ass.

Orange: Neckties that can strangle someone, an important distinction.

Black: I’m sure there’s scientists somewhere that deal with random shit like this. Just call one of them. And, while you’re at it, a psychiatrist.

The next day

Orange: Reptologists are friendly and helpful, like their area of research. They can answer any reptilian question, like why crocodiles are alligator-rejects.

Black: I thought your question was about humans.

Orange: I’m getting to that! I called several mammologists and I’ve concluded that mammologists are part of a vast conspiracy to conceal the truth about mammalian “tailbones” from reptiles.

Black: …

Black: They obviously didn’t do such a good job concealing the truth if you uncovered it anyway.

Orange: I was far too clever for them. I asked one what mammalogists were good for besides wasting oxygen and she blabbered about providing “mammo-grams.” That response was so inane that I knew right then it was an attempt at deception.

Black: Uhh, a mammogram is

Orange: Not merely a unit of mass, it’s British mass. And the problem here is not that I have too little mammalian mass (British or otherwise) but rather that humans have a dishonestly marketed bone. Perhaps if y’all got a few repto-grams, you might have a real tailbone.

Captain Carnage walks in.

Captain Carnage: Am I interrupting something?

Black: No, I think it’s almost over.

Orange: Yours is a very wacky species.

No responses yet

Jan 28 2008

Scenelet of the Day

Agent Orange and Agent Black step onto an elevator in the lobby.

Continue Reading »

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Jan 27 2008

Nooooooo!

Published by under Agent Orange,Comedy,Guns

Sigh. Apparently the Office of Special Investigation’s Agent Orange is not the only federally employed Agent Orange. It appears the FBI also has one. The OSI’s Agent Orange, the free-wheeling reptile, has more.

Continue Reading »

No responses yet

Jan 26 2008

I feel safe in New York City!

Comic book readers have often wondered what is it about New York City that causes so much bizarreness to happen there.  Superhero Nation finally answers this question by turning to the New York Historical Society.

Which leads us to our quote of the day.

 

In 1626, either the Shinnecock or Canarsee Indians sold present-day NYC, a spirit-cursed mosquito pit, to the Dutch for $24.  One of the strongest misconceptions in American history is that it was the Indians that got swindled.

— Agent Orange

No responses yet

Jan 23 2008

Quote of the Day: 1/23/08

A tree’s a tree. How many more do you need to look at?

–Ronald Reagan

Ohio and Stanford’s trees play football. About as well as you’d expect, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

–Agent Orange

No responses yet

Jan 23 2008

Alligator Fact and Fiction

Our resident mutated alligator, Agent Orange, offers this look into the brutally competitive world of reptology.

Continue Reading »

No responses yet

Jan 20 2008

Quote Set of the Day (January 20)

It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.

–Friedrich Nietzsche

I save the day by wasting many, proving reptilian awesomeness. There, I only needed ten words.

–Agent Orange

You’re despicable.

–The Superhero Nation writing staff

No responses yet

Jan 19 2008

Quote Set of the Day (January 19)

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Philosophy: giving up on the concept of truth.

–Jacob Mallow

Capital punishment: giving up on the concept of Mallow.

–Agent Orange

Diplomacy, Superhero Nation-style: simultaneously offending the religious, the nonreligious and death penalty opponents.

No responses yet

Jan 13 2008

Quote of the Day (1/12/08)

Captain Carnage: The assassins have bugged your car with a tracking device. Driving it could be highly dangerous, particularly if you believe really strongly in that whole no-killing thing.

Lash: …

Lash: What do you have in mind?

Carnage: If you lend me your keys for the day, I have someone in mind whose skills will discourage anyone from tailing you ever again.

Lash nervously hands over his BMW keys.

The next morning, a smoking and sooty Agent Orange approaches Lash.

Lash: Dear God. You were the driver? Do you even have a license?

Agent Orange: I have good news, bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?

Lash: … there’s bad news besides learning you were the driver?

Lash: …

Agent Orange: You definitely won’t save a bunch on your car insurance.

Lash: The worse news?

Agent Orange: It won’t be an open-casket funeral.

Lash: …

Lash: Dare I ask what the good news is?

Agent Orange: Captain Carnage bet that open-road road tests are so easy that even I could pass one. I sure showed him! Hah. He didn’t even know that alligators are green-red colorblind!

Later, Lash confronts Captain Carnage.

Lash: You handed my BMW over to a goddamn lizard.

Carnage: It proved surprisingly easy to determine who was attempting to follow his… unorthodox driving style. We made four arrests. So his skills proved quite effective.

Lash: Which “skills?” I’ve definitely ruled out anything driving-related.

Carnage: Limb-regeneration and gullibility.

Lash: Gullibility?

Carnage: Did you know license tests occur on country roads in the middle of the night and are graded by SWAT officers in helicopters?

Lash: …

Lash: I hate you.

No responses yet

Jan 10 2008

Quote of the Day (1/10/08)

Agent Orange:  At the Office of Special Investigations, “Chariots of Fire” isn’t just a classic
film.  It’s also the name of our driving school.

One response so far

Jan 09 2008

Quote of the Day (1/9/08)

Agent Orange: In Canada, keep your friends close and your automatic weaponry closer. The nation is a rabbit’s den of sinister plots and dark secrets.

Agent Black: Canada has dark secrets?

Agent Orange: The darkest!

No responses yet

Jan 02 2008

Crocodile Terrorism: Tragicomedy, with an Emphasis on the Comedy

Quote of the Day:

Agent Orange: Few things are more pathetic than the crocodile terrorist. Yep. They can’t even do that right.

The Crocodile Intellect

And they talk like thisssssss…

We already knew that mammals > crocodiles, but this also indicates that mammal-insects > crocodiles. But Spiderman foolishly let the crocodile escape, which is further proof that alligators > mammal-insects.

One response so far

Jan 01 2008

Football Updates

No one on the Superhero Nation editorial board is pleased with the way football has gone this year.

Continue Reading »

No responses yet

Dec 28 2007

Amusing Links

Agent Orange presents his link of the day and a related public service announcement for crocodile-Americans.

The Annals of Crocodile Failures, 94th Edition

Lions, buffaloes and crocodiles do battle for control of a Kenyan wildlife refuge. This film is rated PG… Pretty Gruesome. The crocodiles make their inglorious appearance at 3:30, but they’re so ineffective that the (mammalian) commentators only notice them at 3:38. Unless you enjoy watching lions play two crocodiles silly, I recommend skipping ahead to 4:30, which is when things get rowdy on the land. “They’ve got ’em surrounded” (5:45). I also enjoyed the sudden appearance of Superlion– he flies– at 5:45.
6:30 is outlandish and further indicates how completely pathetic the crocodiles were in their brief appearance. Any creature that is unable to cripple a baby buffalo is hereby banished from the reptile class. Experts at Palomar University, one of the world’s leading reptological institutions, have found that:

The class Reptilia [Reptiles*] includes turtles, snakes, lizards, alligators**, and other large reptiles…

Let’s face it, crocodiles: even turtles and snakes*** count as reptiles. But not you*. (Don’t snicker too hard, mammals… the lions did not make a persuasive case for your phylum).

Not to fear, crocodiles: although you are no longer reptiles, you may technically qualify as amphibians****. However, both mammals and reptiles will remain ashamed to share a subphylum with you.

Tailnotes

*clarified for the benefit of crocodiles. Not that I think it will help.

**Unsurprisingly, saving the best for last. Incidentally, 99 % of reptologists agree that alligators > lizards > snakes > amoeba > crocodiles. As for the last 1%, if you are ever so horrifically unfortunate to find one of them, escape quickly. (Even if you’re a mammal—it’s not worth finding out if it can spread across species). Say whatever you need to. “I need to sharpen my claws (fingernails)” or “my scales (skin) require polishing.”

***Crocodile sympathizers may dispute that snakes are more worthy of the reptilian name than crocodiles. And we can speculate about the psychological disorders that might prod them to do so. But the fact remains that snakes can eat hippos (not for the squeamish). And, furthermore, snakes have their own baseball team, with which I am not familiar, and dominate a city with which I am.

****Assuming they’ll have you. Don’t hold your breath.

No responses yet

Dec 20 2007

Quote of the Day: Dec. 20

OSI DIRECTOR KINO:  There’s always one thing I’ve wanted to know.

AGENT ORANGE:  How I eat with a mask on.

KINO:  …

KINO:  Yuri Rastonovitch.  How did you convince him to cooperate with us?

ORANGE:  He was a Gators fan.

KINO:  …

KINO:  He was a KGB agent!

ORANGE:  Gatar never fails.

 

No responses yet

Dec 13 2007

Quote of the Day

AGENT ORANGE: “Hello, you’ve reached the Office of Special Investigations Human Resources switchboard. If you are an OSI employee looking to make a benefits claim, please press one to learn how we stay under budget. If you are interested in serving a long and fruitful life and keeping America safe, I recommend the FBI or the military. If you are interested in an extremely fruitful and less than extremely long life keeping America safe, please press two. If you need to speak to me about other matters, please press three.”

*Three.*

ORANGE: “Hello, you’ve reached the Office of Special Investigations Human Resources switchboard. You have indicated that you wish to speak to me. If that is correct, please press one. If you wish to have a productive evening, please press two.”

*One.*

ORANGE: “Hello, you have reached the Office of Special Investigations Human Resources switchboard. You have indicated that you do wish to speak to me. I suspect you don’t mean that. But, in case you do, you will only have to press 98 more keys before you can page me. If you are sure that your message is worth your time and mine, please press five. (I couldn’t let you hit one every time, right?)”

*Eighty-five minutes later.*

ORANGE: Hello, this is Agent Orange…

Journalist: …

Agent Orange: Hello? … I’m hanging up now.

Journalist: NOoooooOOooo! The Files. I need… The Files!

Agent Orange: What the hell are you talking about?

Journalist: The vast treasure troves of data you’ve got on everyone.

Agent Orange: Oh. Those files.

No responses yet

Dec 11 2007

Quote of the Day

CAPTAIN CARNAGE: Congress has rescinded its approval of waterboarding. We need alternate forms of data extraction.

MIKE: Telepathy?

CARNAGE: Not likely.

AGENT ORANGE: Mammals.

MIKE: …

MIKE: Mindblast?

CARNAGE: No.

MIKE: We could ask real nice…

ORANGE: Are sensory deprivation and uncomfortable sitting positions still available?

CARNAGE: Yes.

ORANGE: As long as we’re thinking hypothetically…

CARNAGE: Of course.

ORANGE: I have an idea… a technique that draws on sensory deprivation and a decidedly uncomfortable position and is somewhat more likely to scare someone shitless than a wet t-shirt. Additionally, it draws on our agency’s species diversity. I believe the risk of decapitation is negligible, but I’d like to test it first. Mike, could you fetch me a melon the size of a terrorist’s head?

*Mike gets up to leave.*

CARNAGE: …

ORANGE: I call my technique “Unhinging Jaw.”

MIKE: Wait, I want to hear this.

No responses yet

Dec 07 2007

Quote of the Day

FROM: AgentOrange@osi.hr.gov

TO: OfficeofSpecialInvestigationsListServ@osi.gov

SUBJ: December Morale Issues

As you receive your duty schedules this December, please think of the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

What happened in the Rudolph case study

  1. Team-members pulling together to complete an important task
  2. Division of labor

What didn’t happen in the Rudolph case study

  1. Reindeer complaining about “hazard pay” or “life insurance premiums”
  2. Reindeer demanding to be at home on Dec. 24 or 25.
  3. Threats of congressional investigations into Reindeer Resources practices and relevant reindeer being kicked into a food processor

Ho, ho, ho! Have a cheerfully nondenominationally cheerful December season!

–Human Resources

No responses yet

Dec 02 2007

Quote of the Day

Note on the OSI Human Resources Branch Refrigerator

ATTENTION HUMAN RESOURCES TEAM:

Several letters, ‘Special Investi,’ faded off my door placard. Since this sort of event happens passively all the time, there’s no reason to suspect that any of you were involved or spike the office coffee with truth serum. I’m sure the scratch marks are coincidental and entirely unrelated to the cruelly disfigured statue of Albert the Florida Gator that was left as a doorjamb.

–Agent Orange, Human Resources Director and Special Investigator

Postscript: In completely unrelated news, I’m holding an interrogation information session office party today. Everyone with claws or a proficiency with knifes/cutting implements is invited. (RSVP not mandatory but attendance is. These employees can check the attached schedule for their required party time).

Post-postscript: Agent Black, don’t even bother checking. You’re first.

Post-post-postscript: In other completely unrelated news, the OSI is adjusting its service schedules to enhance public safety. We will deploy a number of agents to conduct the esteemed work of bomb-searching every dumpster within a ten mile radius of the University of Florida’s Griffin Stadium before each football game. OSI-HR has not yet decided how many agents to deploy; the investigation roster evaluation is still pending.

Post-post-post-postscript: You—you know who you are (and I do, too)—are considering time-travel. “What if I undrink the truth serum but decapitate Albert anyway?” Please. Unless you’re also interested in Florida baseball, I’d recommend against it.

Post-post-post-post-postscript: Mammals. [Note: this is not a legal statement implying that I know the species of the partyer-of-honor. However, it is a statement that I know it’s Black.]

No responses yet

Nov 28 2007

Quote of the Day: Nov. 28

Agent Orange: I just had a dream that the villain was the sentient White House.

Captain Carnage: You weren’t dreaming.

Agent Orange …

Agent Orange: I’m going back to sleep.

No responses yet

Nov 23 2007

Quote of the Day: Friday– Don’t drink the gatorade!

A note posted on the Office of Special Investigations’ office refrigerator.

At some point in the past six hours, a Gatorade bottle disappeared from this refrigerator. It had blue contents and a label reading “Agent Orange’s: do not take under penalty of death. I MEAN IT.”

I must consult with the unauthorized drinker immediately to discuss his/her/its future with the agency and any appropriate HR paperwork (benefits, next-of-kin notification/estate planning and last rites arrangements).

Possible symptoms include:

  • Hemoglobular disassociation (“blood feud”)
  • Sore throat and coughing
  • Writhing
  • Loss of appetite
  • Headache, disorientation and/or brain strangulation
  • Spontaneous combustion

Thanks!

–OJ

No responses yet

Nov 18 2007

Quote of the Day: Nov. 18

Agent Orange: Can you hotwire that car?

Lash: No, jackass. I’m a Harvard MBA. And there is no way you would ask a white…

Agent Orange: Just because you attended Harvard doesn’t necessarily mean you’re devoid of useful knowledge. Excuse me for giving you the benefit of the doubt.

2 responses so far

Nov 16 2007

Agent Orange Quotes

Published by under Agent Orange

I fiddled with Photoshop for an hour before picking a filter that made the flag look like a set of hard pencil strokes. Click on the picture and you can see the whole thing.

Orange quotes revised

Some background knowledge that might help you understand his quotes:

  • Captain America’s SHIELD agency had flying cars until late in the 20th century, when the comic book writers apparently thought that helicarriers were cooler and more exotic. The Avengers have always had a lavish NYC mansion, complete with a butler.
  • Squids and devil dogs are slang terms for servicemen in the Navy and Marine Corps, respectively.
  • According to Ronald Reagan, the scariest nine words in English are “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
  • 18 USC II § 3592 is the portion of US law that sets out some parameters for when the death penalty can be applied.

One response so far

Nov 12 2007

Quote of the Day: Monday

Agent Orange: “If journalism is really the first draft of history, we need some keen editors.”

No responses yet

Aug 23 2007

Comic Book Conundrums

Inquiring minds want to know:

  • Supervillain prisons. Why have them?
  • How does Superman keep getting movie deals?
  • Why don’t Superman’s movie deals stipulate the presence of a supervillain?
  • Lex Luthor: brilliant mastermind or government plant? His most brilliant schemes endanger fewer people than a fully loaded Yugo. And he gets pardoned FAR too often for it to be a coincidence.
  • Who is Captain America working for? He couldn’t cover the security deposit on that cavernous NYC apartment with an Army paycheck.
  • WWII time-travel. Aren’t any WWII time-travelers gunning for Hitler? Would assassinating Hitler doom the Allies by letting someone sane lead German forces? (Hitler: Allied plant?)
  • Time travel. “Dr. Demented escaped into the time-space continuum. He could be anywhere.” “No problem. I’ll start at 1939, you start at 1945 and we’ll catch him somewhere in the middle.”
  • Supervillains have attempted to influence WWII at least twenty different times in the past fifty years. Presumably, supervillains will keep trying. Wouldn’t superheroes from our present cross paths with superheroes from our future that are pursuing their own supervillains in WWII?
  • The Hulk: why does he still get published?
  • Invisible Woman: dumbest Ph. D. ever?
  • Beast. Reptile. Catastrophe. Donatello. Aren’t there any animals/monstrosities that are less intelligent than the Invisible Woman? Why do said animals typically wear more clothes than the Invisible Woman?

Comic Books: Hot and NotHer main asset isn't being invisible.

  • Lois Lane: “How many F’s are there in catastrophe?” How did she win a Pulitzer?
  • Static Shock’s sidekick, the white gadgeteer (AKA Gear, AKA Whitey, AKA Chunky McGee). What, a black person can’t be smart enough to make gadgets?
  • What is the fascination with supervillains (and sometimes heroes) running for president?
  • Did Savage Dragon run for VP because he realized how useless he was?
  • How could Lex Luthor POSSIBLY win the presidency? Voters regularly write candidates off because they’re Mormon, divorced or inexperienced. But, you know…a supervillain… I guess I could give him another chance…
  • What was the reasoning behind making an Ant-Man movie?
  • Dr. Hank Pym, Ant-Man, Shrinking Violet. Why haven’t they learned that intelligent people don’t shrink themselves? That’s why supervillains build shrink rays.
  • What the hell is going on in NYC? Judging from comic books, at least 90% of the world’s supernatural events happen there, including regular influxes of tan New Yorkers from alternate dimensions where NYC is apparently devoid of black people (the Friends Effect).

5 responses so far

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