Picture c/o http://www.bastroplibrary.org/mckinneyroughs06/rough500gator.jpg .

This is part of a life insurance ad that I found very amusing.

Web Gumbo provides a great picture of his unit mascot. You might wonder what a Marine mascot does. Deliver pep talks? Rally the fans? Please.

Agent Orange, our mutated alligator, says that “it’s not surprising that they turned to an alligator when they needed someone to scare and bond with Marines. Here you can see the gator playing Marco Polo with a Marine that is obviously enjoying the gator’s friendly and sociable company.”

Lash retorts retorts that “if the guy’s actually enjoying anything, it’s probably the thought that he will soon not be dangling over a watery grave.”

I was looking through my computer today and found this picture. Eek.

There is nothing wrong with this picture, particularly if you like desolate, bleak prairies. I’m more of a radioactively cartoony New Zealander myself. Enter the Photoshop saturation tool.

In radioactive New Zealand, even the water glows. And the rocks are blue!

I liked this fan-art of everybody’s favorite mutant alligator.

In a header, text usually looks best when balanced. For example, in our header “a fairly unbalanced” is balanced nicely because it’s exactly as wide as the row below it, “guide to superpower politics.” If you’re interested in learning how to make text look pleasant, this will help.

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I had the UConn Huskies going to the Final Four. They just lost in the first round to the San Diego Toreros. Although this screws my bracket, it does make me feel a bit better about Florida missing the tournament.

The picture came courtesy of stock.xchng, with a hat tip to Squally-Chan.

Just to show that Florida doesn’t have any hard feelings about being cruelly rejected to the NCAA tournament…

(I got the picture from Lolcats).

Today we have a delightfully bizarre picture featuring TallyGator’s pet alligator and an awfully curious choice of nail-polish. I wonder what the gator thinks…

What’s the pencil for?

Picture c/o Kwerf.

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I came across the Dragon Name Generator. You type in a name and it gives you a “totally original name.” I typed in Agent Orange and got (I kid you not) Bucky the Flaming. Agent Orange responds.

&*(# you and your Wisconsin football too. I’ll give you flaming Bucky.

“He was like that when I found him, officer.”

Any “Dragon Name Generator” that gives overwhelmingly mammalian names like Bucky is highly dubious.

Then I put in “Jacob Mallow,” just for kicks. It gave me “Lady Predash the Weak.”

Acceptable.

I also approve of the Singapore Idol Stagename Generator, which turns Agent OJ into the appropriate “Quick End” and Courtney McMaster into “Empty Vessel.” However, it turns Captain Carnage into “Disco Boy.” To its credit, that is only a few letters away from the correct “Destruction Boy.”

And I also enjoyed the Science Fiction name generator, but its Alien Name Genator is awful. Its Cyberpunk feature is far superior, not least of which because it spat out Clockwork Orange once. >”-[ [ [ [ ~~~ (that’s a smiling alligator in case you couldn’t tell… nimrod).

PAGE ONE (five panels)
Panel 1. Establishing shot. This is a large panel that shows a spooky castle and a bit of the surrounding world. There are sinister mountains and dark clouds and lightning behind the castle. The castle should have a large base and two towers. Colorwise, the castle is half-shrouded in darkness and the rest of the shot should be dominated by grey and black.

CAP: On a far-away planet…

Panel 2. This is a small panel showing SILENCE, the main protagonist, cleaning as a prisoner.

CAP: This mute girl is a prisoner.

Panel 3. This is a small panel with two ogres, HACK and STAB, talking in the background. Hack is sneering. Both ogres have grey skin and empty, evil-looking eye. There’s a metal on his back without spikes.

HACK: Terrible job as always, Silence.

Panel 4. This is a small panel zooming in on Silence’s big, pleading eyes as she telepathically begs Hack not to hurt her.

SILENCE (telepathically): Please, I will do better.

Panel 5. A small panel of her and Stab. Stab looks like Hack, except he has a scar on the side of his face.

STAB: A worthless thing like you can never do better!

PAGE TWO (six panels).

Panel 1. This is a large panel showing Stab punting Silence into a cage a few feet away. He’s wearing a brown boot. Silence is surprised.

STAB: Back in your cage, Silence.

Panel 2. A small panel showing Hack and Stab bowing in fear in the background. Their attention has shifted away from Silence, but we can’t see what they are bowing to. We can, however, see the sinister shadow it is casting over them. (We’re getting this shot from Silence’s limited perspective, so we can’t see that the shadow is being cast by Silence’s father, VOLKRIG, who is off-camera).

VOLKRIG, in a sinister font: You idiots. Apparently you don’t understand the concept of a sacrifice ritual. I can’t sacrifice her if she’s already dead! Nor can I sacrifice you oafs. [Small text:] Not that I haven’t looked into it.

HACK (in a wavering balloon): Yes, master.

Panel 3: This is a small panel that’s a closeup on Silence’s face. Her expression is very frightened. To help make this picture look more askew, three strands of hair come over her eyes and rest on the tip of her nose.

SILENCE (thought bubble): Sacrifice?

Panel 4: Hack and Stab are standing up and looking warily away down the corridor. The reader should get the impression that the frightening speaker (Volkrig) has left.

HACK: How’d he know we were playing around with her?

STAB: You dummy! Don’t ask those kind of things. You know what happened to Clobber.

HACK, in small text: I miss Clobber.

Panel 5: Hack and Stab are still talking. Hack convinces Stab to come out with him to Earth.

HACK, who has now cheered up a bit: I bet he’s asleep already.
STAB: Doubt it.
HACK: Too bad. I doubt you could be having fun on Earth, kicking puppies around. I’ll let you know how it went.

PANEL 6: Hack has turned away from Stab and is starting to march away. Stab looks very surprised, like he’s about to miss out on a fun trip to Earth. Stab follows after him.

STAB: Hey, wait up!

PAGE THREE (six panels).
Panel 1. Silence hears “Earth” and begins to imagine herself there. She’s never been to Earth, so make this daydream seem very fantastical and not particularly well-informed. Since the only thing she knows on Earth is what the ogre just mentioned (that there are puppies to kick) this daydream should have a lot of puppies in it.   Go crazy with this. In contrast to the first two pages, this fantasy should be bright and cheerful.

SILENCE, in a thought-bubble: Earth? There’s another world?

Panel 2. An alien bird drops onto the sill of a window that is high above her cage. She stares at it. (This should remind us how far away she is from freedom). Silence decides to break out here, so what we can see of the side of her face should be a bit harder and more resolute than what we had seen in the previous shots.

SILENCE, in a thought-bubble: I’ve got to escape!

Panel 3: She glances over at the hallway. Hack and Stab are gone. She smiles.

SILENCE, in a thought-bubble: Perfect.

Panel 4. This is a small panel that shows Silence exiting her cell.

Panel 5. This is a closeup of Silence’s bare foot pressing down on a stone button. She looks down at the trap trigger, worried.

Panel 6: This is the biggest panel on this page. A huge blade slams down right in front of her.

PAGE FOUR (five panels).

Panel 1. This is a small panel showing the blade rising. Silence breathes a sigh of relief.

Panel 2. Silence stands at an open door showing a mostly empty room with a purple portal in the middle. Two stone statues face the portal.

Panel 3. In the foreground, Silence stands in front of the portal, looking deep in thought and biting her bottom lip. She should look like she’s having some second thoughts. The portal is in the background, bathing her in a purple glow.

Panel 4. Silence is half-way in the portal.

Panel 5. Silence is tumbling through the portal.

PAGE FIVE (two panels).

Panel 1. Silence crashes to the ground as the portal closes behind her.

Panel 2. This panel should take up most of the page. Silence is surrounded by long distances of sand, rocks and desert.

PAGE SIX (five panels)

Panel 1. The camera has zoomed in on Silence’s hand picking up sand.

Panel 2. The sand runs through her fingers.

Panel 3. Silence looks up at the sun, squinting. She fans herself. Little drops of sweat are rolling down her cheek. In the background, we see a cloudless sky with a bird far off.

Panel 4. Silence has her eyes closed. She looks uncomfortable and her hair changes from blue and dirty to a clean and braided blonde. Red markings appear on both eyes.

CAP: Silence’s sudden freedom allowed her powers to manifest.

Panel 5 shows a shocked-looking Silence holding her hair out in front of her. Her skin is also clean.

This article will help you design your superhero’s appearance for a comic book or novel cover-art. No matter what your style is, you can avoid these 9 mistakes that cause a superhero’s appearance to sink the story.

Common Flaws of Superhero Appearances

1. The character’s appearance lacks a distinct theme.
2. The character looks lifeless.
3. He looks unrelatable.
4. His appearance is inconsistent with his personality.
5. His appearance is inconsistent with the story’s mood.
6. His costume is too campy or demeaning.
7. His appearance makes his secret identity implausible.
8. The details of his appearance are inconsistent.
9. He has too many accessories.

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This is my storyboard for the page I’d like illustrated first.

Panel 1:
The camera is zoomed in on a young accountant in the doorway of his ideal suburban house (see reference below for the house). The angle here should be askew, slightly canted so that the frame is not quite parallel to the ground.  The accountant (Gary) is a disheveled wreck getting ready to run out to his car. His tie is hanging around his neck and his teeth are hanging on to a piece of toast that he didn’t have time to eat. He is frantic and has clearly overslept. His right hand holds a briefcase.

Panel 2:
He runs madly towards his car (reference below). I’d like the camera to focus on his legs and waist. His left hand should, at this point, reach into his pocket. (Yeah, it’s OK if running with a hand in his pocket looks awkward).

His car should look pretty plain but not boring. He’s an IRS accountant but I want readers to feel that they can relate to him. Something like this car below. (Colorwise, I’d like it in a beige or a weak blue).

Panel 3:
This shot should be angled so that the car is oriented like it is like it is in the shot above. We see him from the back as he’s facing perpendicular to the car from 5-10 feet away. He has pulled out a starter. We should be able to read the car’s license plate, which says TAXMAN. Again, this is meant to establish his style. I think that readers will like him a lot more if they feel he has flavor… so, if you need to adjust the angle or the car to get the license plate in, please do so.

Panel 4:
He clicks the starter. (Sound effect: Click). Again, it’s important that he be illustrated 5-10 feet away from the car.

Panel 5:
When he starts the engine, he unwittingly sets off a bomb that was intended to kill him. (Sound effect: boom).

Proportionwise, this is how I was envisioning it: 35% of the page’s height for panels 1 and 2, 25% for 3 and 4, and 40% for panel 5. Panels 1, 2, 3 and 4 would each span half of the page horizontally and 5 would span the entire page.

Visual References

Miscellaneous Details

• It’s very early in the morning.
• It’s summer.
• Please don’t illustrate any bystanders.  Gary should be alone when the bomb goes off.
• I want Gary’s house to look ideal and Eden-esque.  Please replace the bushes and hedges out front with some flowers (see reference for some examples).
• Except for the explosion, this scene should be very cheerful/bright/happy.

If you have any questions, please email me at bmckenzie05-at-gmail[dot]com.

Proving that, when you have 10,000 Marines in one place and nothing to kill, strange things happen.

The Washington Post described a meeting between two Congressmen, Jim Moran (D-Va.) and John Porter (R-Nev.), and the Iraqi national security advisor.

the three were trying to discuss the state of Iraqi security forces with [the NSA], but the large, flat-panel television set facing the official proved to be a distraction. [The NSA] was watching children’s cartoons.

When Moran asked him to turn it off, [he] protested with a laugh and said, “But this is my favorite television show,” Moran recalled.

Porter confirmed the incident, although he tried to paint the scene in the best light, noting that at least they had electricity.

It would be easy to criticize the NSA for prioritizing cartoons over two Congressmen. All things considered, it was probably a shrewd assessment. At least cartoons end.

That must be horribly awkward for both Congressmen. The Democrat has to act multilateral with an ally that obviously isn’t interested; the Republican has to make it look like supporting Maliki’s government advances US interests.

To commemorate this fine moment of US-Iraqi relations, I’ve slapped something together.

Inquiring minds want to know:

• Supervillain prisons. Why have them?
• How does Superman keep getting movie deals?
• Why don’t Superman’s movie deals stipulate the presence of a supervillain?
• Lex Luthor: brilliant mastermind or government plant? His most brilliant schemes endanger fewer people than a fully loaded Yugo. And he gets pardoned FAR too often for it to be a coincidence.
• Who is Captain America working for? He couldn’t cover the security deposit on that cavernous NYC apartment with an Army paycheck.
• WWII time-travel. Aren’t any WWII time-travelers gunning for Hitler? Would assassinating Hitler doom the Allies by letting someone sane lead German forces? (Hitler: Allied plant?)
• Time travel. “Dr. Demented escaped into the time-space continuum. He could be anywhere.” “No problem. I’ll start at 1939, you start at 1945 and we’ll catch him somewhere in the middle.”
• Supervillains have attempted to influence WWII at least twenty different times in the past fifty years. Presumably, supervillains will keep trying. Wouldn’t superheroes from our present cross paths with superheroes from our future that are pursuing their own supervillains in WWII?
• The Hulk: why does he still get published?
• Invisible Woman: dumbest Ph. D. ever?
• Beast. Reptile. Catastrophe. Donatello. Aren’t there any animals/monstrosities that are less intelligent than the Invisible Woman? Why do said animals typically wear more clothes than the Invisible Woman?

• Lois Lane: “How many F’s are there in catastrophe?” How did she win a Pulitzer?
• Static Shock’s sidekick, the white gadgeteer (AKA Gear, AKA Whitey, AKA Chunky McGee). What, a black person can’t be smart enough to make gadgets?
• What is the fascination with supervillains (and sometimes heroes) running for president?
• Did Savage Dragon run for VP because he realized how useless he was?
• How could Lex Luthor POSSIBLY win the presidency? Voters regularly write candidates off because they’re Mormon, divorced or inexperienced. But, you know…a supervillain… I guess I could give him another chance…
• What was the reasoning behind making an Ant-Man movie?
• Dr. Hank Pym, Ant-Man, Shrinking Violet. Why haven’t they learned that intelligent people don’t shrink themselves? That’s why supervillains build shrink rays.
• What the hell is going on in NYC? Judging from comic books, at least 90% of the world’s supernatural events happen there, including regular influxes of tan New Yorkers from alternate dimensions where NYC is apparently devoid of black people (the Friends Effect).