Jan 15 2008

David’s Script Excerpt: Pages 1-6

Published by at 7:43 pm under Art,Comic Book Art

PAGE ONE (five panels)
Panel 1. Establishing shot. This is a large panel that shows a spooky castle and a bit of the surrounding world. There are sinister mountains and dark clouds and lightning behind the castle. The castle should have a large base and two towers. Colorwise, the castle is half-shrouded in darkness and the rest of the shot should be dominated by grey and black.

CAP: On a far-away planet…

Panel 2. This is a small panel showing SILENCE, the main protagonist, cleaning as a prisoner.

CAP: This mute girl is a prisoner.

Panel 3. This is a small panel with two ogres, HACK and STAB, talking in the background. Hack is sneering. Both ogres have grey skin and empty, evil-looking eye. There’s a metal on his back without spikes.

HACK: Terrible job as always, Silence.

Panel 4. This is a small panel zooming in on Silence’s big, pleading eyes as she telepathically begs Hack not to hurt her.

SILENCE (telepathically): Please, I will do better.

Panel 5. A small panel of her and Stab. Stab looks like Hack, except he has a scar on the side of his face.

STAB: A worthless thing like you can never do better!

PAGE TWO (six panels).

Panel 1. This is a large panel showing Stab punting Silence into a cage a few feet away. He’s wearing a brown boot. Silence is surprised.

STAB: Back in your cage, Silence.

Panel 2. A small panel showing Hack and Stab bowing in fear in the background. Their attention has shifted away from Silence, but we can’t see what they are bowing to. We can, however, see the sinister shadow it is casting over them. (We’re getting this shot from Silence’s limited perspective, so we can’t see that the shadow is being cast by Silence’s father, VOLKRIG, who is off-camera).

VOLKRIG, in a sinister font: You idiots. Apparently you don’t understand the concept of a sacrifice ritual. I can’t sacrifice her if she’s already dead! Nor can I sacrifice you oafs. [Small text:] Not that I haven’t looked into it.

HACK (in a wavering balloon): Yes, master.

Panel 3: This is a small panel that’s a closeup on Silence’s face. Her expression is very frightened. To help make this picture look more askew, three strands of hair come over her eyes and rest on the tip of her nose.

SILENCE (thought bubble): Sacrifice?

Panel 4: Hack and Stab are standing up and looking warily away down the corridor. The reader should get the impression that the frightening speaker (Volkrig) has left.

HACK: How’d he know we were playing around with her?

STAB: You dummy! Don’t ask those kind of things. You know what happened to Clobber.

HACK, in small text: I miss Clobber.

Panel 5: Hack and Stab are still talking. Hack convinces Stab to come out with him to Earth.

HACK, who has now cheered up a bit: I bet he’s asleep already.
STAB: Doubt it.
HACK: Too bad. I doubt you could be having fun on Earth, kicking puppies around. I’ll let you know how it went.

PANEL 6: Hack has turned away from Stab and is starting to march away. Stab looks very surprised, like he’s about to miss out on a fun trip to Earth. Stab follows after him.

STAB: Hey, wait up!

PAGE THREE (six panels).
Panel 1. Silence hears “Earth” and begins to imagine herself there. She’s never been to Earth, so make this daydream seem very fantastical and not particularly well-informed. Since the only thing she knows on Earth is what the ogre just mentioned (that there are puppies to kick) this daydream should have a lot of puppies in it.   Go crazy with this. In contrast to the first two pages, this fantasy should be bright and cheerful.

SILENCE, in a thought-bubble: Earth? There’s another world?

Panel 2. An alien bird drops onto the sill of a window that is high above her cage. She stares at it. (This should remind us how far away she is from freedom). Silence decides to break out here, so what we can see of the side of her face should be a bit harder and more resolute than what we had seen in the previous shots.

SILENCE, in a thought-bubble: I’ve got to escape!

Panel 3: She glances over at the hallway. Hack and Stab are gone. She smiles.

SILENCE, in a thought-bubble: Perfect.

Panel 4. This is a small panel that shows Silence exiting her cell.

Panel 5. This is a closeup of Silence’s bare foot pressing down on a stone button. She looks down at the trap trigger, worried.

Panel 6: This is the biggest panel on this page. A huge blade slams down right in front of her.

PAGE FOUR (five panels).

Panel 1. This is a small panel showing the blade rising. Silence breathes a sigh of relief.

Panel 2. Silence stands at an open door showing a mostly empty room with a purple portal in the middle. Two stone statues face the portal.

Panel 3. In the foreground, Silence stands in front of the portal, looking deep in thought and biting her bottom lip. She should look like she’s having some second thoughts. The portal is in the background, bathing her in a purple glow.

Panel 4. Silence is half-way in the portal.

Panel 5. Silence is tumbling through the portal.

PAGE FIVE (two panels).

Panel 1. Silence crashes to the ground as the portal closes behind her.

Panel 2. This panel should take up most of the page. Silence is surrounded by long distances of sand, rocks and desert.

PAGE SIX (five panels)

Panel 1. The camera has zoomed in on Silence’s hand picking up sand.

Panel 2. The sand runs through her fingers.

Panel 3. Silence looks up at the sun, squinting. She fans herself. Little drops of sweat are rolling down her cheek. In the background, we see a cloudless sky with a bird far off.

Panel 4. Silence has her eyes closed. She looks uncomfortable and her hair changes from blue and dirty to a clean and braided blonde. Red markings appear on both eyes.

CAP: Silence’s sudden freedom allowed her powers to manifest.

Panel 5 shows a shocked-looking Silence holding her hair out in front of her. Her skin is also clean.

6 responses so far

6 Responses to “David’s Script Excerpt: Pages 1-6”

  1. Holliequon 04 Feb 2009 at 3:03 pm

    Sorry, B. Mac, I didn’t see your comment in my forum until just now. Would you still like me to offer my opinons on the characters?

  2. B. Macon 04 Feb 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Yeah.

  3. Holliequon 04 Feb 2009 at 5:09 pm

    Hmm, okay. Well, Silence seems to have no backbone at all until Hack and Stab have disappeared. I think she might benefit from being a bit more, um, rebellious. Like when she’s cleaning, instead of pleading for mercy, she might glare at Hack (or, to make her seem more child-like, stick her tongue out). In the written version, I really liked Silence’s curiosity when she gets to Earth. That seems to be missing from these pages. I’d really like to see her stare in wonder at the sand. Maybe she could also be disappointed at the lack of puppies.

    Instead of perhaps showing two panels of her jumping through the portal, you could show one of her having second-thoughts and another with a more determined expression and something along the lines of “No, I don’t want to be a prisoner anymore!” I’m pretty sure we can deduce she’s gone through the portal if the next panel shows her half-through it. Also, what do you think of placing hints that Silence has tried to escape before, or has planned to? I think that might make this seem a little less convienient (oh look, the henchmen just happened to mention this new world around her).

    I quite like Hack and Stab, especially the part about missing Clobber. I thought that was quite humorous and unexpected. My only problem is that they seem to recover from their fear of Volkrig rather quickly, especially considering that he’s just been spying on them without them knowing how. This might feel more believeable if Volkrig has ordered them to go to Earth, but they just intend to goof off whilst they’re there.

    (HACK: Well, he can’t watch us when we’re on Earth.
    STAB: But he told us to come straight back once we’d found–
    HACK: Maybe we found it after having fun kicking puppies!
    STAB, looking thoughtful and admiring: Maybe we did!)

    Alternatively, it might be an idea to bring up Clobber again: “Clobber really enjoyed kicking puppies.” Or something like that. What do you think?

  4. B. Macon 04 Feb 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Thanks a lot. I found your advice really useful and I think I had a lot of the same concerns about Silence. Your explanation for why Hack and Slash go to Earth is believable and I think it shows us more about those characters.

    Also, like you I liked the part about missing Clobber… then again, I’m not a fair judge, given that I wrote it. 😉

  5. Stefan the Nuclear Manon 18 Feb 2009 at 7:49 am

    Hello everyone. This is my first post but I’m not really new to the site. I find the writing articles pretty helpful and I’ve bee following a couple of the review forums. The whole site is insanely cool. I’ve been working on a book of my own on and off and when I found this site I thought I was very very shocked and very very grateful. Looks like this site attracts lots of teenagers, huh? I’m 15, from Singapore.

    I read a lot of comic books, so I thought maybe I could say a couple of things about this script. I think it would be more effective in a comic to have the story told in first person from Silence’s point of view. You could do this in third person as well, but it’s important, especially in a comic book, to make the reader feel involved.

    So maybe the captions could have Silence’s thoughts instead of needless exposition. “I’m Silence, your typical mute girl imprisoned on a far-away planet.” would be more better than the two captions on the first page, for example. Captions are a great way to bring across personality and character voice in comics and they can be put in place of thought bubbles, which I think are a little old-fashioned.

    I agree with Holliequ and B. Mac about Silence’s characterisation here. She’s one dimensional at best, so you might have to work on that. Also I’m a little confused. Did David write this script or was it B. Mac?

  6. B. Macon 18 Feb 2009 at 7:57 am

    Hello, Stefan!

    This is David’s script. However, I did the proofreading and I helped a bit on some creative stuff as well. (For example, to help characterize Hack and Stab, I suggested the panel where they reminisce about Clobber).

    I think your insights about the script are dead-on. Fortunately, I think David has addressed a lot of the problems you mentioned. If you’re interested in David’s work, you can see his review forum here. Please let him know what you think.

    If you’d like to see my comic book stuff, please see my review forum here. However, it’s more like a collection of funny scenes than a real story at this point. I apologize.

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