Michael Crichton was one of the only modern novelists to have a lot of success with single-word titles.  He passed away today, so to commemorate his memory we have a one-word title for this parting post.

Leading a series with a “pilot” that isn’t actually the first episode is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard of in any human endeavor.  Even using “blah blah blah blah blah” as a sentence in a university fundraising letter is not that inane.

When a network decides at the last moment to use another episode as the pilot, it’s essentially admitting that the first episode is too awful to air.  So they switch to something that was never meant to be used as a pilot in the first place.  Smooth.  That would be like an NFL coach telling his quarterback that he didn’t like the way he was throwing with his right arm, so he should play the next game with just his left.  A surefire plan for success!

The New York Times confirms that the Alaskan state trooper in “Troopergate” is actually Matt Parkman, a former police officer best known for his psychic abilities and contributing to the rampant power inflation in the second season of Heroes.  She probably had him fired after he tried to give her some of the African crazy-beans that he’s been gorging on for the last two episodes.  “They’ll let you see the future!”  Riiiiight.

Today we got an e-mail that asked “who’s paying you to crank this [expletive] out, the CIA?”  Well, no.  As far as I know, the CIA doesn’t offer grants for superhero novels, even kickass ones with accountants and mutant alligators from Homeland Security.  In fact, judging by my ramen account, it looks like no one is paying us to write this novel.

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Hint: the Iraqi connection.

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This isn’t government-sponsored national service, but I think that twelve stitches and a hell of a lot of ass-kicking earn the tag.

A Tulsa newspaper reports that a Batman imposter walked into a grocery store and unsuccessfully tried to open fire. Then an airline mechanic tackled him from behind. Several minutes of unrelenting pounding ensued.

City Journal wrote a well-researched article on the future of conservative nonfiction, but I’d like to make a larger point about political nonfiction. “Since the new conservative imprints have far less latitude than traditional nonfiction imprints to fail, they tend to rely heavily on, and largely be defined by, a handful of proven iconic authors.” It’s probably true that smaller publishers have to be wary about rolling the dice with noncelebrities. But, because of blogging, I think that it’s tremendously difficult for a non-celebrity of any political persuasion to publish political nonfiction. Readers can find blogs that offer any style of political thought for free. Some blogs are exceedingly well-written and intelligent. So why would anyone want to pay for your opinion? Because you’re someone who has an invaluable perspective because you used to be a President, a secretary of state, or are a hugely popular talk-radio host, etc…*

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Observations from the Balcony suggests it is because mysteries are helped more by cinema than other forms of literary fiction. I’d lay out two alternate theories: 1) it’s far easier to make a detective story intriguing and interactive, because the readers can solve the case alongside the detective. 2) The premises, particularly in detective mysteries, are easier to sell than exotic premises that use magic or advanced technology.

Additionally, I think it’s slightly easier to write mysteries…

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The author best known for Gulag Archipelago has passed away.

The New York Times wrote an article on women bloggers titled Blogging’s Glass Ceiling, which they put in the “Fashion and Style” section.  Comedically speaking, I don’t think there’s anything I can add to that.

Today, a commenter at Nathan Bransford’s site said…

While I’m striving to write a book that I hope will be some kind of bestseller, I never forget that I’m also striving to write a book that *I* would want to read if I saw it on the shelf.

That is badly misguided. Whether you want to buy your book is irrelevant. You are not the audience of your book. Publishers do not want to publish a book for you. Publishers need to sell thousands of copies and they want books with that sort of appeal.

Authors that write a book they want to read tend to lose sight of the audience. I think that leads to self-absorbed and completely ineffective titles like “The Legend of Edarotag” and “Cimmeria’s Song*”. It may contribute to in-jokes and references that no one can relate to. As a rule, I think it’s safe to say that no one finds your interests as interesting as you do.

In conclusion, your career will probably be more successful if you forget about what you want to read and focus on finding what you can (and would be proud to) sell.

*These are both fictional titles (try reversing the letters in Edarotag).  I hope that demonstrated how easily in-jokes can disgruntle mass audiences.

The authors that try to present political or religious opinions usually confuse their opinions with insights. How is your message different from what people have already heard about abortion? For example, your readers have already heard many people chant “abortion is good” and “abortion is bad.” Is your story just another voice in the chorus or will it actually add something? Why will anyone care about your opinion? Do you have any unique perspective on the subject material? Do you have relevant professional or scholarly experience? Are you personally affected by the issue? Etc.

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When authors or fans challenge negative reviews, they sometimes say something like “what have you written, because I bet it’s awful.” I think that reflects a fundamentally wrong conception of reviewing. Every day, people evaluate and suggest things without any experience of having made them. For example, over the past few years I’ve suggested that friends stay away from (ugly) Pontiac Azteks, (shoddy) Craftsman tools, and (inedible) McDonald’s food. But I’ve never designed a car, built a tool and hardly ever cook. Does my lack of experience disqualify me as a relevant reviewer?

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The creator of Heroes, Tim Kring, has promised that season 3 will have more villains. Yes, more characters… that’s exactly what Heroes needed.

“You’re going to see a lot of bad guys,” he said to Sci Fi Wire. “We’re playing off the idea of our characters as heroes or villains. So it’s really the duality of good and evil.” T.K., I will see your duality of good and evil and raise you character development, interesting traits and a well-rounded cast. For one, I’d start by killing off about half the cast…

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Given that Superhero Nation suggests that “the Tunuska event” was not a meteor hitting the Earth but actually a botched alien invasion, we should probably note that it hit Siberia 100 years ago today. Excellently, that gives us 6 years of empty space to fill in what the aliens were doing before they started WWI.

After 1908, 1912 is probably my favorite year. The US finally adds a 48th state (Arizona), the Titanic sinks, the Red Sox beat New York to win the World Series in what may be the finest game of baseball ever played, the Marines land on Cuba, and a “meteor” hits Holbrook, Arizona. If you don’t see the sinister connections between these events, don’t worry! It took us a book to parse our way through the web of lies.

Discovery Channel covered the discovery of a cave full of ancient Egyptian shipping cords.

Amazingly, these ropes were stored in the same way as nowadays sailors store their shipping cords — just coiling and tighting them in the middle,” archaeologist and rope analyst Andre Veldmeijer told Discovery News.

I imagine that his kids somehow fake illness to get out of Take Your Kids to Work Day.

“Ulysses is a totally incomprehensible book. Understanding it is like machine-gunning a pack of unicorns. Anyone that claims to have done either is lying, but should be institutionalized anyway.”

–Cadet Davis

This is an excerpt from an interesting article on college.

I assigned a research paper. This time around, the students were to elucidate the positions of scholars on two sides of a historical controversy. Why did Truman remove MacArthur? Did the United States covertly support the construction of the Berlin Wall? Their job in the paper, as I explained it, was to take my arm and introduce me as a stranger to scholars A, B, and C, who stood on one side of the issue, and to scholars D, E, and F, who were firmly on the other—as though they were hosting a party.

A future state trooper snorted. “Some party,” he said.

The US government has introduced a fitness test for adults. Did you know that the government thinks it’s “normal” to have a 500-inch waist circumference?

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if you have a 500 inch waist, you probably do not have a 24.1 BMI.

In Britain, a man dressed as Darth Vader has been spared jail-time for drunkenly attacking two Star Wars fans (“Jedi worshippers”) with a metal crutch.  Ah, Britain.

And other strange, strange news from the heartland.

• The “Funeral Day Burglar” has been caught in Platt City, Missouri.  He targeted his victims by checking the obituaries and funeral schedules, figuring that the homes of the deceased would be vacant during their funerals.  No word yet on whether his home will receive unexpected visitors during his arraignment.
• A Pennsylvania judge has banned four women from Pennsylvania malls after saying “they descended on Pennsylvania like a plague of locusts.” Fortunately, West Virginia and Ohio, those lands flowing with milk and honey and lightly guarded shopping malls, are still open to them.  But will the judge let those people go?

An alligator was found in a NASA building.

“Navi-gator! I said I needed a navigator!”

After politely explaining to the alligator that “public facility” actually meant “intruders-will-be-shot” didn’t work, they quickly showed Mr. Gator the door.

I have no evidence to suggest that this was in any way related to aliens posing as mutated alligators, but then again they’re usually pretty good about covering their tracks…

The Air Force Network Operations Center is cutting access to most sites with the word “blog” in the web-address.  Most prominently, this includes reputable and professional sites like Counterterrorism Blog.  Fortunately, it does not include sites like ESPN or a certain site profiling the wacky adventures of the Office of Special Investigations.

According to Salon, “it’s really a hot media fantasy: Mutant Superdelegates Pick Nominee!” For the record, I do not think that mutants are likely to select the nominee. Unless Salon knows something I don’t…

Come on. If mutants did have the power to pick a nominee, why has Ron “Magneto” Paul done so poorly in the Republican race?

The co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons apparently critically failed a Fortitude check.

I saw this note in the Washington Post:

“California’s North County Times has fired an editor with a warped sense of humor. As a joke, the unnamed editor mucked with a wire-service account of a news conference on pet spaying at which a Los Angeles City Council member ‘held a kitten,’ changing the verb to ‘strangled.’ The paper apologized for the ‘terrible mistake.’ ” Whoops!

In addition to writing articles, I work as one of my newspaper’s wire editors. Although I can’t recall any “strangled a kitten” moments, we do frequently put typos in our headlines. In the average edition of our paper, a wire editor only types 75-100 words. Though I don’t recall committing a headline typo, my event articles are usually riddled with poor writing. (Event articles are written the night the event happens, so there’s less time for me to think through my outline).

• Riots broke out in (the Former Yugoslav Republic of) Macedonia because Greece has declared that it will oppose attempts by FYROM to join the European Union and NATO unless FYROM surrenders its claim to the name of Macedonia, a region claimed by Greece.  Both nations want to control the name of Macedonia because that’s where Alexander the Great came from.

• A Venezuelan man woke up as an autopsy was being conducted on him. Uhh, whoops.

Bill Buckley died today. (He authored God and Man at Yale, which inspired the Superhero Nation chapter title “Gods and Supermen at Yale”). We weren’t very close; in fact, he was something like my archenemy. However, he was as good an adversary as anyone could hope for, unless you’re able to get Bernard Lewis.