Jun 18 2008

Adopt a Gator

Published by at 11:19 am under Agent Orange,Comedy,Reptile Humor

Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, offers this comparison of dogs and gators as pets.

Why should you buy a gator? For the same reasons that buying a dog makes you look foolish and weak.

When a human buys a Chihuahua, he is saying “I value the company of small and conspicuously useless mammals.” Not surprisingly, his friends will quickly surmise that he thinks of them as small and useless. This is why Chihuahua-owners rarely have friends. Conversely, anyone who befriends a gator boldly declares that his taste and judgment are impeccable.  That is why even walking a gator down to the park will garner the respect and awe of nearby humans. Also, everybody loves gator parties.

Anyone who does not like gators is probably an idiot, a Louisianan or a drug dealer. Since you do not want to meet any of those people, a “Beware of Gator” sign is sure to make your home a friendlier and happier place. In fact, the only better thing for your home is a “Beware of Gators” sign. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

In addition to drug dealers and Louisianans, gators will protect you from squirrels. These predatory vagrant-mammals lurk in public areas, hoping that their bushy tails will distract you long enough to attack. Too often, this ruse is successful. That’s why violent crime rates are highest in cities, the areas typically hardest hit by squirrels. Fortunately, gators are wise to the squirrel threat. This is why squirrels will never approach a gator.

Gators will also protect humans from their worst instinct: playing golf. Golf-playing may stem from the mammalian affinity for holes (also demonstrated by the obsessive digging tendencies of gophers, squirrels and Boston). However, it is a peculiarly human trait to see a hole and think that it would be enjoyable to hit a golfball into it. Fortunately, gators are a natural and 100% effective cure for this defect.   This is why the presence of an alligator on a golf course immediately causes all play to cease. This also explains why golf course owners hate gators so much.


4 responses so far

4 Responses to “Adopt a Gator”

  1. Ida Dastroyderon 05 Mar 2010 at 11:31 am

    Chihuahuas are not useless mammals. Small, yes. Useless, never.

    Perfect bite-sized appetizers for ‘gators.

    And what a perfect way to stave off all those annoying celebrities!

  2. B. Macon 05 Mar 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Plus, in Snakes on a Plane, throwing a chihuahua to a large snake bought time for the humans to escape to safer ground. A chihuahua is practically a a guaranteed “Get out of Snake Attack Free” card. I’m struggling to come up with any use for a chihuahua that doesn’t entail it being eaten, though.

  3. Wingson 05 Mar 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Well, they are chihuahuas. Like their celebrity owners, they don’t have all that many uses to begin with.

    I mean, there’s no way that they’re actually dogs. I mean, I could probably step on one and not notice in the least. My guess as to their origins?

    Escaped, mutated lab rats. It’s the only possible answer.

    – Wings

  4. Lighting Manon 05 Mar 2010 at 5:27 pm

    I had a friend that was on vacation in the Bahamas. His wife was imaginary, like him, so he was alone in a fishing boat, just drifting along, hoping to catch a gold fish in a little plastic baggy, when he spotted what looked like a drowning rat, so he jumped in and rescued it. Nobody claimed it, so he brought it to a vet, who told him it was a chihuahau, so he went on to be Mackenzie Philips and marry Bryan Adams.

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