Mar 12 2008
Eat Me!
Agent Orange: Greetings, mammals! I have a question.
Captain Carnage: (Unfortunately, Agent Black, I have an alibi. Just now, I realized I was due at the Capitol two hours ago).
Agent Black: (I hate you).
Agent Orange: Yesterday, National Geographic claimed that grizzly bears can eat five times their own body weight. Is that true?
Agent Black: Why wouldn’t it be true?
Agent Orange: Frankly, it sounds like mammalian propaganda. Five times their own body weight? That would be like me suddenly eating a ton and a half: you, Captain Carnage, the Beatles, and a golf-cart.
Agent Black: I’m not supposed to tell this to non-mammals…
Agent Orange: No, I must know!
Agent Black: Grizzly bears can eat a hundred times their own body weight. National Geographic lied to you to lure you into a false sense of security.
Agent Orange: The fiends!
Agent Orange: …
Agent Orange: … but that would be like me eating 75,000 racks of ribs. Waitresses already give me weird looks when I order eight!
Agent Black: I’m not supposed to tell this to non-mammals, either… but all mammals can eat a hundred times their own weight.
*Agent Orange gasps*
Agent Black: So, if you’re 600 pounds, that means that any mammal that weighs six pounds could theoretically eat you.
Agent Orange: But, but I’ve seen rats in the basement that must have been six pounds heavy! The Gator Gods would curse me for all time if I allow one to devour me. I thank you for your assistance, mammal-Black.
Agent Orange stalks off.
Agent Black pulls out his cell-phone and calls Captain Carnage’s voice-mail.
“Black here. I think I just solved the rodent problem.”
