Jun 03 2008
The Squirrel Conspiracy
Agent Black and everyone’s favorite mutated alligator, Agent Orange, discuss the problem of squirrels.
Agent Orange: It has come to my attention that my home has been beset by squatters and this angers me.
Agent Black: So call the police–
Agent Orange: –I have, Mammal-Black! And the police wouldn’t even send an officer to investigate my squirrel infestation.
Agent Black: Your squatters are squirrels?
Agent Orange: Yes, those small vagrant rats that live in trees.
Agent Black: Humans like having squirrels on their property. Squirrels increase property value, for one–
Agent Orange: –which has increased my tax assessments. The state is now making me pay for the privilege of having squirrel-squatters. There is, however, a piece of good news.
Agent Black: Your homeowner’s insurance covers psychiatric expenses?
Agent Orange: No, Mammal-Black. The squirrels have a weakness. They often come out of their tree-fortresses to taunt me, chittering what must be wild obscenities. This has given me a wonderful idea to help them start earning their keep.
Agent Black: …
Agent Orange: I have invited every reptile in town to an All-You-Can-Catch Squirrel Buffet for $7.50 an hour.
Agent Black: Do many reptiles have the ability to pay that?
Agent Orange: Lawyers and ad executives, mostly.
