Jun 03 2008

The Squirrel Conspiracy

Published by at 1:34 pm under Comedy,Reptile Humor

Agent Black and everyone’s favorite mutated alligator, Agent Orange, discuss the problem of squirrels.

Agent Orange: It has come to my attention that my home has been beset by squatters and this angers me.

Agent Black: So call the police–

Agent Orange: –I have, Mammal-Black! And the police wouldn’t even send an officer to investigate my squirrel infestation.

Agent Black: Your squatters are squirrels?

Agent Orange: Yes, those small vagrant rats that live in trees.

Agent Black: Humans like having squirrels on their property. Squirrels increase property value, for one–

Agent Orange: –which has increased my tax assessments. The state is now making me pay for the privilege of having squirrel-squatters.  There is, however, a piece of good news.

Agent Black: Your homeowner’s insurance covers psychiatric expenses?

Agent Orange: No, Mammal-Black. The squirrels have a weakness. They often come out of their tree-fortresses to taunt me, chittering what must be wild obscenities. This has given me a wonderful idea to help them start earning their keep.

Agent Black: …

Agent Orange: I have invited every reptile in town to an All-You-Can-Catch Squirrel Buffet for $7.50 an hour.

Agent Black: Do many reptiles have the ability to pay that?

Agent Orange: Lawyers and ad executives, mostly.

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