Jan 05 2008
A cunning ruse…
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Some cable news networks occasionally employ behavioral experts to make completely baseless speculations based on body language. “This candidate was waving his arms, so he was probably being disingenuous,” or whatever.
Fox News has reported that a Floridan cold front has done a number on the local lizard population. And now, a word from almost certainly the only American that appreciates the distinction between lizards and reptiles, Agent Orange.
“An iguana lies frozen,” according to Fox News.
Mammals have several misconceptions about lizards like our “friend” Mr. Iguana, perhaps confusing them with friendly and loveable reptiles. Unfortunately, Fox News’ reporter has been totally taken in by the huckster. (Mammals). “An iguana lies frozen,” he says. The only correct part of that sentence is “lies.” That iguana’s not dead!
And therein lies the problem for Florida. Honest, hard-working bicyclists will attempt to make use of their bike paths, only to discover hundreds of lizard vagrants playing dead in the hopes of suing a biker for all he’s got. “He came out of nowhere, Judge. I think he was drunk, Judge. My tail, my tail! Woe is me!” claims the liezard. Unfortunately, judges are suckers for a lost limb case. But the iguana’s limbs grow back. He’s probably sued five different people for taking his tail off.
The most popular lizard website even flaunts this shameful strategy. Its logo features a lazeard drinking a daiquiri (probably someone else’s).
Why is this lizard smiling? Because he’s discovered that Iguana + Lawyer = Mammal - Money
That is shamelessly unethical. Proper etiquette forbids exploitation of mammals (although audibly snickering after a Florida-Big Ten game is acceptable*).
Fortunately, Fox News lives up to its fair and balanced billing by finding a mammal who has discovered the unpleasant truth about the liezards. The park manager, Robert Yero, reports that dozens of con artists have come back to life, probably after springing a lawyer on somebody.
The article says that “Yero had little sympathy for the frozen iguanas, explaining that they were an invasive species devastating to native plant life. ‘They really are taking over,’ he lamented.”
Damn straight, brother. Florida for Floridans! Wait…
Tailnotes:
*- The Gators are manifestly superior to other football teams, unless of course they’re playing in Florida during a freak cold snap. (Live it up, Wolverines. Even with hopelessly rigged refs, you beat a cold-blooded team by 7 points. WE WILL END YOU! …after our blood thaws).