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A writing professor at my university suggested that one way to study written rhythm and cadences is to type out someone else’s novel. He says that doing so will help you gain a better sense of style and flow. Maybe. I think you can do better with this technique, though. Instead of retyping someone else’s work, try retyping yours. I think that this will help the aspiring novelist uncover several tricky problems.

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What’s at the top of supervillain to-do lists for 2008? (Hint: not saving money or losing weight). Here’s a sample.

1. [Paingod] Attain absolute power in at least one country. My first act will be to ask Evil Overlord to be my chief of police. If he says no, I’ll kill him. If he says yes, I’ll poison him so that he can live by earning regular doses of the antidote.

2. [Chronic] Develop a time machine and get advanced technologies from a future version of myself. But I know that he will see an opportunity to exploit his foreknowledge and technology by replacing me. So I’ll kill him first.

3. [Gangrene] Surf City’s been a bust. The cop-to-plant ratio is far too high. This year, I have a better idea. I call it Plan Colombia.

4. [The Colombian] Cooperate with Gangrene to develop hardier drug crops. Then I’ll kill him.

5. [Jihad Joe] Anything. I’m still relevant, dammit!

Senator Obama’s pastor “makes Louis Farrakhan look like Hello Kitty. We’re going to have a field day with this.”– Todd Harris, a Republican strategist

This next one appeared in an article on the National Republican Campaign Committee letting a million dollars disappear, possibly into the personal bank accounts of its ex-treasurer.  “You can go online right now and pull audit reports for GM, and 3M, and Disney, et cetera, and replicate them and just change the numbers”– Allan Bachman, of the Association of Certified Fraud Examiners.  Thanks for clearing that up, Allan!  We wouldn’t want anyone to, uhh, learn how to scam audits or anything.

“Know thyself”– some famous philosopher, probably someone both you and I have heard of.

I’ve learned today that– gasp!– I’m really bad on both sides of the camera. Clearly  I was voted most likely to be an Abercrombie and Fitch centerfold more for my latent sex appeal than my ability to strike a pose.

“She looks like a husky, those weird blue eyes.  Cindy McCain has the most intense blue eyes… They were so intense, I couldn’t stop staring at her.  She must have thought I was weird.”
– Katie Couric

I wonder why she might have thought that!

My first act will be to retroactively make my inauguration legal by reducing the age requirement.  I’ve got some ideas what my second act will be, but it will probably be something that I’ll have to disavow.  That’s OK.  The media thinks that there’s some law somewhere that you can’t challenge anything a President does in his first hundred days of office.