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Agent Orange, our mutated alligator, presents us this unusual argument about the merits of seeing eye dogs.

Mammals generally have a good sense for which mammals are likely to cheat and exploit them, like lawyer-mammals, HMO-mammals and Congress-mammals. However, mammals are dangerously vulnerable to the notorious wiles of the master of mammalian deception and chicanery, the Seeing Eye Dog.

SEDs shamelessly abuse their association with the blind to deceive the public about their true intentions. Sympathy for the blind should not be confused for sympathy for their canine oppressors. That’s like confusing an accident victim with an ambulance-chasing lawyer. Or apple pie with a serial killer.

Wherever they go, SEDs act like they own the place. “Look at me, I’m Mr. Federally-Established-Right-to-be-Here!” If a SED goes up to a counter and orders a biscuit or something, not only will he get his biscuit, he probably won’t even have to pay for it. F*** that. Does the sign on the door say “No Shirt, No Service (Unless You’re a Seeing Eye Dog)”? No!

Although there’s no question that evil lurks in the heart of every SED, it is important to understand that they are raised to be evil. Nowhere is this more obvious than SED “Training.”

• SEDs are trained not to obey their masters (victims). According to one SED trainer, this makes sense because “the blind can’t see where they’re walking.” Which apparently makes it OK for a SED to go wherever he wants, because the blind guy can’t tell if he’s being taken to a canine strip club or something.

• SEDs get a little sign that says “Do not pet me– Seeing Eye Dog at work.” F*** that! SEDs do not “work.” I get shot at and provide tough love to criminals. On more than one occasion, I’ve defused a bomb with my teeth. And most difficultly, I add critically needed reptilian flavor to the Office of Special Investigations. That is work, particularly when you consider how peculiarly mammalian Agent Black is. But you don’t see me giving the public petting orders.

The sad truth is that if you’re a blind person, you’re better off taking your chances with traffic than surrendering yourself to the tender mercies of the Seeing Eye Dog. The sadder truth is that if you are blind, you are physically unable to partake of these words of wisdom. Therefore, if you are not blind, it is your moral duty to find someone blind and tell him how evil his canine “companion” is.

Frequently Asked Questions About Seeing Eye Dogs

Why do SEDs wear vests?

–In the hopes that you will confuse them with friendly, law-abiding dogs like the Los Angeles Police Department’s Funloving Rottweilers of Justice: Bruiser, Mangler and Sparky. Those guys have given me tips on using teeth in law enforcement.

Why do SEDs pant all the time?

–It is widely suspected by national security experts that SEDs communicate amongst themselves by panting. We will probably (hopefully) never know what the SEDs say amongst themselves. However, we can safely infer that SEDs are bragging to other dogs about the colossal lie they have pulled over our eyes. Or describing their plans to eat your children.

Why do SEDs hate America?

–A very good question, assuming you think it has something to do with us rather than their obvious psychological and moral disorders.

I saw this note in the Washington Post:

“California’s North County Times has fired an editor with a warped sense of humor. As a joke, the unnamed editor mucked with a wire-service account of a news conference on pet spaying at which a Los Angeles City Council member ‘held a kitten,’ changing the verb to ’strangled.’ The paper apologized for the ‘terrible mistake.’ ” Whoops!

In addition to writing articles, I work as one of my newspaper’s wire editors. Although I can’t recall any “strangled a kitten” moments, we do frequently put typos in our headlines. In the average edition of our paper, a wire editor only types 75-100 words. Though I don’t recall committing a headline typo, my event articles are usually riddled with poor writing. (Event articles are written the night the event happens, so there’s less time for me to think through my outline).