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Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, has this friendly public service announcement for the residents of California’s 4th district.

Theodore Terbolizard is running for Congress. We all are in grave danger. Lizards are pathologically dishonest, which is why they love to sell car insurance and overpriced water. And run for Congress.

But this candidate is not merely a lizard. He is, by his own confession, a Turbolizard. He will run Congress so depravedly as to make the rest of Congress look good.

Unsurprisingly, his lizard cronies have rallied to his defense. “We need more lizards in office,” says a lizard named “Sharmuta”. Or should I say Shamuta?

What does Turbolizard stand for, besides pathological deception and nefariousness? “I am opposed to the use of terrorism… since the end of World War II, the United States has continually meddled in the internal affairs of Iran, and I am opposed to this interventionist policy.” How typically lizardly. He is allegedly opposed to terrorism but opposes any action against terrorists! This is like saying “I’m OK with mammals, but mammal-killing is a fine choice, too.”

It is safe to say that a vote for Turbolizard is a vote for the turbo-genocide of mammals. I’m Agent Orange and anyone that doesn’t approve of this message is probably a lizard bent on your destruction.

I’m writing a comic-book script for Script Frenzy. Because the contest ends on April 30 and I’ve already lost six days, I’ll probably end up doing something related to Superhero Nation. That means I have to script four pages a day– something I think is doable even though academic work beckons.

Because the contest requires all-unique material, I’ll probably write a spinoff story, probably focused on Agent Black, Agent Orange, Paingod and a dark century-spanning conspiracy. This comic will answer all the questions you’ve never had about the nefarious links between the 1908 Tunuska explosion, World War I, the Black Sox scandal, the Empire State Building and rag-time (hint: bids for global supremacy).

B. Mac gave me this to post. He says he will be healthy enough to return to full-time status within a few days.

Agent White, junior recruiter: Mr. Smith, I have no doubt that you are an excellent IRS auditor, but I’d like to know more about how an accountant might be qualified for this agency. What about killing. Have you done any of that?

Gary Smith: No, sir.

Agent White: Have you ever seen someone die brutally? A de-limbing, perhaps?

Gary Smith: No, sir.

Agent White: I see. You seem like an excellent fit… for the IRS. I’m going to do you a favor and ask that you leave now. You would break in ten minutes here and you probably wouldn’t even be the first.

Gary Smith: …

Gary Smith: Is that a request or an order?

Agent White: …

Agent White hits his intercom button.

Agent White: Agent Orange, could you step inside, please?

Agent Orange, a hulking mutated alligator, enters the room.

Agent Orange: Greetings, mammals! Mammal-White, Mammal-Smith.

Agent White: Sir, could you please describe to Mr. Smith what your job is here?

Agent Orange: Indeed! I’m the head recruiter and trainer. I determine who enters training and then how best to systematically destroy them. We’ve reduced our mortality/psychosis rate to a historically low 6%!

Agent White: Mr. Smith, so far Agent Orange has broken six Navy SEALS, five Force Recons, ten Army Rangers and so many Special Agents we’ve stopped counting.

Gary Smith: But no accountants, I bet.

Agent Orange: …

Agent Orange: When are you available to start?

This article draws on our experiences writing Superhero Nation to help you create distinct character voices.

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I think I have stumbled onto something really useful about writing character-voice. I’ll post some notes later today, but my thesis is that distinct phrases are crucial.