Superhero parodies are very hard to write. Generally, you can’t parody something that treats itself as ridiculous to begin with.  This means that poking fun at ridiculous elements of superhero stories, like what superheroes wear, is usually unsuccessful. Fortunately, many elements have more comedic potential because the stories take them seriously.

1. Superhero origin stories have always been outlandishly tragic, but since roughly 1990 it has just been ludicrous. Instead of just watching his loved ones get murdered, the hero might get betrayed by the CIA, set on fire, sent to hell and then return as some sort of crazyass demon-hunter.

2. As superhero stories progress, the writers run out of material and the likelihood that the stories will take bizarre twists approaches 100%. He’s a clone! His parents were superspies! His aunt marries a supervillain! His girlfriend falls for a werewolf! He grows six arms! He writes his girlfriend out of history by making a deal with the devil! And that’s just Spiderman. Don’t even get me started on the total strangeness surrounding Jimmy Olsen.

3. Loving a superhero is pretty much the kiss of death. If you had to choose between dating a deranged serial killer and a superhero, go for the killer. At least there’s some chance that the killer will give up the behaviors that would get cut into pieces and stashed in someone’s refrigerator. On the other hand, if you learn that your lover is a superhero, you might as well shoot yourself. You’re going to die anyway, but at least you make sure you don’t get tortured, too.

4. As a rule, superheroes are totally socially inept. Some are mildly unsociable (for example, nerds like Peter Parker) but more usually because they’re so totally psychologically dysfunctional that they probably need psychiatric help (Bruce Wayne and Wolverine).

5. Superheroes tend to live in a world where intense violence is so routine that they frequently come off as casual psychopaths. For example, when Wolverine fatally stabs a cop in X-Men 2, no one seems to think it’s strange to have a copkiller working at a school. Great role-model there. And Xavier wonders why humans are afraid of mutants.

6. Stumbling across a hero’s secret identity will reduce your life expectancy to about 30 minutes. Writers tend to kill off such people because it’s the easiest way to tie up the loose end at the end of the episode or comic book. In fact, the people that discover Superman’s identity die so regularly and so quickly that it’s amazing that the police haven’t looked into the theory that Superman kills them.

7. Learning how to give someone superpowers will reduce your life expectancy to about 2 minutes. Writers tend to kill off the scientists that develop superserums and other power-generators so that their Captain Americas will be unique. Relatedly, did you know that over half of Allied lab assistants in World War II were actually Nazi spies?

8. By wearing glasses and changing the pitch of your voice, you can easily convince everyone that you are a mild-mannered reporter or freelance photographer in spite of having an outrageously muscle-bound body. You’ll even fool the Pulitzer-winning investigative journalists at the office!

9. Professional ethics don’t apply to superheroes. Clark Kent is apparently an excellent journalist even though his secret moonlighting as Superman creates the largest conflict of interest in the history of journalism. Let’s see. The most prominent journalist in Metropolis is secretly the biggest news story in Metropolis. And the second most prominent journalist in the city has the hots for him!

10. Any alien species will either look completely human (Superman) or have the ability to polymorph into a human (Martian Manhunter). Either way, they will be better than human in every way. Ah, humans. It’s like we’re Darwinian rejects. We don’t even have a distinct advantage at seeming human!

11. Comic books bend over backwards to make New York City the center of the action, even when it makes no sense whatsoever. For example, why would teenage mutant ninja turtles (nearly naked coldbloods) want to live in frigid New York? Brr. Why would anyone want to live in Marvel Comic’s New York City? You can hardly throw a rock without hitting a supervillain or alien invader.

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