Apr 24 2008

Two Magical Words

Agent Orange: I have learned something important about mammals. Two quasi-mystical words will put a mammal into a hypnotic stupor that will force him to believe anything.

Agent Black: You’re crazy.

Agent Orange: I am prepared to demonstrate my new-found learning of mammalian psychology. First, I will greet a victim-mammal of your selection. Then you will make an outlandish statement. And I will administer the two word hypnotic spell.

Agent Black: Let’s see it.

Five minutes later.

Agent Orange: Greetings, Mammal-Darpa! We have learned something intriguing on our latest posting.

Dr. Darpa: What?

Agent Black: We were attacked by robotic, flesh-eating airplanes.

Agent Orange: IN JAPAN!

Agent Black: … !

Dr. Darpa: Egads! How did you survive?

Agent Black:

Agent Black: NO!

[end] (If you’d be interested in reading a related article, “Stuff Mammals Like: Japan,” please see more.

Agent Orange Presents: “Stuff Mammals Like: Japan”

Why do mammals like Japan? Because Japan is like an ideal mix of Neverneverland and a third-world country, a magical place of mystery and enchantment. But, unlike a third-world country, Japan has running water and is probably developing cars that can fly you to the moon. Here are some other interesting facts about Japan.

  • The elderly are never poor in Japan, because the government gives them an iron rice bowl. With an iron rice bowl, they are able to lurk in the shadows and strike wandering tourists unconscious.
  • Toddlers that fail preliminary calculus testing are thrown off of the peak of Mount Fuji, sort of like a geeky Sparta.
  • People dance to M.C. Hammer.
  • It is customary for the Japanese to refer to each other with tags and honorifics like -san and -chan and -gaijin. For example, Gojiragaijin means “respected American alligator.” The Japanese use honorifics because, if a Japanese person ever learns your true name, he can magically enslave you.
  • People don’t own cars. Because they can fly.
  • People eat rice. For food! (Mammals).
  • There are emergency broadcast channels and sirens in place to warn commuters of an impending giant-reptile attack. Florida, which actually has giant reptiles, uses these as well but only on any given Saturday.
  • The Japanese don’t own guns, because Japanese people can dodge bullets.

7 responses so far

7 Responses to “Two Magical Words”

  1. Patrick McKenzieon 25 Apr 2008 at 2:35 am

    As you can imagine, I laughed so hard the salaryman in the next cubicle nearly decapitated me.

  2. Patrick McKenzieon 25 Apr 2008 at 2:36 am


  3. Wingson 27 Apr 2009 at 10:09 am


    – Wings

  4. Tomon 27 Apr 2009 at 10:12 am


    That is all.

  5. Holliequon 27 Apr 2009 at 10:56 am

    I love this. Now, excuse me, but I have to go save the world from rabid time-travelling chinchillas. IN JAPAN!

  6. Avi Arunon 27 Apr 2009 at 11:06 am

    People eat rice. For food! (Mammals).

    What’s this supposed to mean? What’s wrong with people eating rice? 😐

  7. B. Macon 27 Apr 2009 at 11:33 am

    I think Agent Orange is more of a carnivore than a rice-eater.

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