Aug 19 2008

A Heavily Fictionalized Account of the United States… in Japan!

Published by at 4:09 pm under Comedy

To save face in Japan, tourists may have to tell lies. Crazy, jaw-dropping lies. Should you ever have to tell outrageous lies about life in the United States, this article will help.


If you ever find yourself needing to tell wild lies, the only way you can know for sure that they believe you is if they make a reference to Osaka. “Yeah, I think Osaka has something like that!” Osaka is the strangest, most messed-up place in Japan. Here is a sample conversation.

B. Mac: At first glance, Seattle appears to be an American utopia. Further inspection reveals that it is a utopia whose streets are paved with criminals.

Japanese Host 1: By criminals?

B. Mac: With criminals.

Japanese Host 2: I’ve heard that Osaka’s streets are paved with criminals.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here are a few interesting details you can offer about the United States.

  1. Americans are legally required to keep an M-16 on their person and the US government is phasing out non-SUV vehicles.
  2. In Indiana, it is illegal to ask anyone on a date.  Indianan wooers get around that by giving furtive and longing glances, just like characters in a Dan Brown novel.
  3. In Japan, there is a police officer on every corner. In Las Vegas, it’s a crack dealer. (Caution: they will definitely believe this).
  4. Illinoisans are not allowed to purchase alcohol and the city of Chicago is dominated by Al Capone’s thugs. (Caution: they already believe this and may offer condolences if you admit to living in Illinois).
  5. Like Osakans, the residents of Massachusetts speak a strange dialect that enables them to communicate with squirrels.
  6. By law, only the President’s family and his favorite Congressmen are allowed to live in Washington, DC, the nation’s forbidden capital. If one of your hosts has actually been to Washington, politely add that tourists are sometimes allowed inside as unwitting court jesters.
  7. Instead of holding elections, Iowa selects leaders every year by holding a state-wide corn festival. Growing the biggest ear of corn is a sign of divine favor.
  8. The residents of Maine are expert assassins that specialize in fake accidents, cyanide and machine-gunnings. The US government tried to sell Maine to Canada in 1861, so Maine responded by faking a civil war.
  9. Ohioans receive a bounty and a parade for every criminal they kill, which is the only reason an Ohioan will travel to Michigan.

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