Mar 29 2009

I’ve discovered the worst fanfiction in the world

Published by at 5:54 am under Uncategorized

I know that’s a bold claim, but I dare you to top this.

22 responses so far

22 Responses to “I’ve discovered the worst fanfiction in the world”

  1. Ragged Boyon 29 Mar 2009 at 6:29 am

    “Holy poo poo!’ because he weighs 900,000,000,000,000,000 tons. That amazing weight made me say the ‘S’ word.”

    I bust out laughing at this line. I stopped reading about there, but I get the point of its horridness. I skimmed over the rest noting many aspects stolen from TV and mangas.

    Truly the worst.

  2. Holliequon 29 Mar 2009 at 6:57 am

    Wow. Just . . . wow.

    That is the most awful thing I’ve ever read.

  3. Stefan the Exploding Manon 29 Mar 2009 at 7:13 am

    I love how a gang from Chicago were abusing dragons that were “60,000 feet long and 9,000 feet wide”.

    “I broke every bone and pulled all the tendons in my body during the fight”
    This line made me laugh embarrassingly loudly.

    I couldn’t finish this either. Maybe one day, when I’m feeling incredibly brain dead, I will.

  4. B. Macon 29 Mar 2009 at 7:20 am

    Relatedly, I highly recommend against using numbers to quantify your characters. Usually, it just sounds cheesy.

    In the rare instance where it’s wise to use a number to describe a character, the figure is something that an average observer could see. For example, saying that John Doe is seven feet tall is fairly smooth because the detail is unusual enough to help us visualize him but not so unusual that it’s completely removed from our experience. The typical reader can feel the difference between six feet (fairly tall) and seven feet (freakishly tall).

    But if he were 18 feet tall, it’d be cheesy for the narrator to tell us that. Your readers can’t feel the difference between 15 feet, 18 feet and 20 feet.

  5. Tomon 29 Mar 2009 at 9:39 am

    I didn’t get as far as the end of part 1. I feel like gouging my eyes out.

    I pity the ‘author’ so much.

  6. Lunajamniaon 29 Mar 2009 at 10:34 am

    I can’t get to the site because of my college’s filter, but it sure sounds like one heck of a horrible fan fiction.

    Fan fiction of what, exactly?

  7. Tomon 29 Mar 2009 at 10:56 am

    Everything. It ranges from Dragonball Z to Bionicle to Sonic the Hedgehog to God knows what else.

  8. Davidon 29 Mar 2009 at 11:49 am

    My lord. And I thought my stories were bad.

  9. Ragged Boyon 29 Mar 2009 at 12:21 pm

    I cracked up at Metra Nui. A Bionicles reference, come on.

  10. Asayaon 29 Mar 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Hahahahhahah!

    You’ve gotta be kidding me! That’s the worst story I’ve EVER read. I didn’t even get past the first few sentences.

  11. B. Macon 29 Mar 2009 at 4:15 pm

    Lunajamnia, here are some choice paragraphs.

    ——————————–
    MEETING SPIN

    I had no money so I had to become a bounty hunter, in order to get money for food and water. Some of the people wanted me to kill world leaders like, the one who started the Holocaust, that’s right I had to assassinate Hitler, and I got a huge bounty for doing it, after I got the money I killed the person who hired me. I had enough money to get a weapon; I got a sword because I know how to use it. Another portal opened and I fell in and landed in a different world, I landed and began exploring, I fell into a trap that disables your powers, I began to swear a lot in frustration, I stopped when a tall hedgehog was staring at me, and asked ‘how’d you get in that trap?’ I told him what happened to me, but keeping my sword ready for any sign of danger, he got me out of the trap, I was about to thank him, when a robot appeared and I slashed the robot in half with my sword. He asked me ‘what’s your name?’ I told him ‘Vash’ he laughed I asked ‘what’s so funny about my name?’ he said ‘Vash isn’t a name for you, hmmm…’ then he said ‘how about you go by the name of Blade’ I said ‘Blade?’ he said ‘yea, because you’re the only wolf I know who can weld a sword like a pro’ I asked him ‘I haven’t heard your name yet, so what is it?’ he said ‘the name’s Spin, Spin the Hedgehog’ I said ‘Glad to meet you’

    ——————————–
    THE FIGHT AGAINST EVERY HUMAN IN MIAMI

    After I got off being grounded, I went back to the ruined Metru Nui and I helped clear the rest of the visorak, but something went wrong, the toa and I were transported in our Horteka forms right in the middle of a football game. The whole game came to a screeching halt, I yelled ‘umm, hi?’ over a loud speaker we heard the announcer say ‘these strange creatures appeared out of nowhere’ then the police and army came in, I said ‘looks like we will have to fight to get out, but don’t kill anyone- then I got shot in the shoulder and I resumed what I was saying ‘on second thought, lets show these people what its like to face six Horteka and one very pissed demon-Horteka, ready?’ they nodded and I set my theme song to ”Battle’ and said ‘here we go.’ Right when my song came on I fired my spinner at the crowd, killing at least 15 people. 3 hours later everyone who was there was killed, I think it was called The Super Bowl XXXXXIII Massacre because all 6,000,000 people were killed, including the cops.

    ——————————–
    NOW A DAY

    I now visit my dragon often by using the ‘Instant Transmission’ technique he taught me. He’s certainly getting bigger the last time I measured him he was 60,000 feet long and 9,000 feet wide, but now he is at least 120,000 feet long and 18,000 feet wide I’m guessing he had too much to eat because of his moaning. After I gave him an anti acid reflex tablet then he was fine. Then I weighed him I said, ‘Holy poo poo!’ because he weighs 900,000,000,000,000,000 tons. That amazing weight made me say the ‘S’ word.

    He is the heaviest creature on the planet since the dinosaurs walked the planet. I checked the chamber where his puts the bones of his meal and again I said ‘Holy poo poo!’ because the chamber was full of bones, some were still wet with blood. Then I checked the entrance to his home the entrance was a tight fit for him when he wants to go hunt or swim. I watched him walk around and each step he takes it’s like thunder and his belly makes a sloshing sound like he was full of water and his belly is also very soft and I guessed he was getting overweight. I presume his wings fully healed and I told him to fly around and he did with some trouble.

    ——————————–
    THE TRUE MEANING OF KILLING SPREE

    I made sure that I was prepared to go insane, by having my demon and Horteka sides” combine to become too dangerous in that state, I also went to my ultimate form. Then my theme song came on and there were thousands of Visorak charged me, I pulled Tetsume out and used my ice claw to tell them ‘you’re screwed’ they didn’t realize that until most of them were dead. About a hundred Visorak grabbed me, they made a very fatal mistake, I powered up, flinging them into walls, and I was a killing machine when I have certain songs come on. Keetongu was climbing the wall, while I was clearing a path for the toa.

  12. Fitzon 29 Mar 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Wow! That story was amazing! Consistent, organized, descriptive, and entertaining. No spelling or grammar mistakes at all. I was hooked from the very first sentence! It’s too bad somebody put it online, though. Otherwise the genius who wrote this masterpiece could become a billionaire best-selling author. I can only hope to be able to write half as well as this man. On a scale of 1-10, this gets an 11.

    Happy early April Fool’s Day, everyone!

    Seriously though, this story was bad, sometimes so bad I laughed. I didn’t finish the whole thing either, but I might eventually. I bet that I could write a worse one if I tried, but there would be no point. What makes this so sad is that the writer actually was trying to make an good story. And failed. Miserably.

  13. B. Macon 29 Mar 2009 at 6:13 pm

    I think it was intentionally bad, Fitz. Could anyone unintentionally write something that awful? I hope not.

  14. Fitzon 29 Mar 2009 at 7:10 pm

    I hope that it was intended to be bad too, so the author can feel proud about his work being declared “the worst fanfiction in the world” all over the internet.
    But according to the people on that forum and other google-able sources, such as this and this. Christian Humber was a real boy going to a real boarding school who had his real work taken from him and published on the internet. If this is true, though I hope it’s not, then I feel really sorry the guy having to live with the embarrassment of creating “the worst fanfiction in the world” unintentionally.
    I’m not really convinced either way if it’s real or fake. But again, I hope it’s not.

  15. Lunajamniaon 29 Mar 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Oh man … if I wasn’t the way I was, I’d be saying things-but basically that is insane. That’s the worst piece of fiction I have ever read (besides Twilight and the Da Vinci Code). That is absolutely–there are just no words to sufficiently describe it. Except that it’s awful, sad, horrible, without plot, just a total mess.

    Yes, that’s it–a mess.

  16. Lunajamniaon 29 Mar 2009 at 8:16 pm

    It’s just awful. I must either find a dark corner where I may curl up in a ball and cry, or go read a good book to cleanse my mind.

  17. Yogion 30 Mar 2009 at 12:37 am

    ……

    Wow…. It’s almost as bad as Twilight…… *dies*

  18. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 30 Mar 2009 at 1:10 am

    You guys should try reading My Immortal. It’s a fanfic for Harry Potter, and was deleted from fanfiction.net because of its low quality. Be warned, there are some themes and a lot of swearing.

    http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm

    Here’s one of my favourite bits:

    B’loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now.

  19. Marissaon 30 Mar 2009 at 1:46 am

    Watch out about My Immortal, though.

    Apparently, ‘Viewor excretion advisd’.

  20. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 30 Mar 2009 at 2:24 am

    It’s so bad it’s good. My eyes keep following the words even though my brain is screaming for mercy.

    Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

    “THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”

    “THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.

    “YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!”

    “Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”

  21. Lunajamniaon 30 Mar 2009 at 9:52 am

    Oh … golly … please … no more excerpts! *cries for mercy*

    My brain cannot take it! I am going to die if you guys keep doing this. It is-it is so horrible. *runs away screaming, brain crying out for a good book to wash away the horrible fudge that is not fit to be called literature/a story/anything good at all*

  22. Wingson 28 Apr 2009 at 9:11 am

    *reads 8 chapters of My Immortal*
    Gack!

    *faints*

    *twitches on floor, trying to rip eyes out*

    I’ll never be able to get that out of my head. Make it stop! Make it stop!

    *twitches*

    I will be scarred for life.

    –Wings

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