Mar 24 2017

Letters from Deadpool

Published by at 9:38 am under Deadpool

Hey DeadPool,

You are a funny guy. How did you become a super hero? What do you do when you’re not doing anything? Do you like being a superhero? Why do you wear a mask? Why do you wear red and white? Are you Canadian?

Getting superpowers is sort of a long story. Some people are born mutants or work in a nuclear power plant. I got an organ implant from a doctor I found at an IHOP. (I mean, I got the DOCTOR at the IHOP, not the ORGAN, that would just be nasty).

When I’m not doing anything, I make fun of X-Men and my studio and my writers, that keeps me plenty busy.

The last Canadian I met tried to murder me with his claws a few times. And that was before I tried hitting on his sort-of-daughter, who ALSO has Canadian murder-claws. That’s since been adapted into two movies, Logan and Saw 3. #CanadianDating

“Why do you wear a mask?” To make it possible for Ryan Reynolds to play me in the movies. With the mask off, he looks more like an avocado than a mercenary (and about as threatening as a door-to-door Bible salesman).

“Why do you wear red and white?” It’s easier to wash blood out of red clothes. White helps if pigeons are around. New York has a lot of pigeons.


Your Friendly Neighborhood Deadpool

Mr. Deadpool,

Is it true you don’t like to be called a hero? I like it when you make jokes. They’re really funny.

In your movie, why did you count your bullets when you could have picked up an enemy’s gun?

I also heard you don’t like the X-Men, is that true? How many enemies do you have?

I don’t call myself a hero, but I don’t care what other people call me, except for the time that Spider-Man called me Cable’s sidekick. NOT TRUE, CABLE WORKS FOR ME. He doesn’t have a movie yet. He doesn’t even know what a chimichanga is, so he’s no good for food orders either.

“I like it when you make fun jokes.” Thanks! Sometimes inspiration for a great scene hits me. Colossus bet me $20 there was no worse way to die than watching Green Lantern. The next day I found a Zamboni, and also eight henchmen trying to kill me, and the rest is history. PS: Colossus refused to pay up because he is a LIAR. And a Russian. Don’t bet with Russians.

“How come you counted your bullets instead of picking up an enemy’s gun?” Guns are like girlfriends: you don’t swap them out. Unless you find one much better. Or you have a katana. Trust me, it’d all make sense if you had a katana, or a girlfriend.

“I also heard you don’t like the X-Men.” TRUE. When I was in Wolverine’s movie, they sewed my mouth shut. When I asked Wolverine to be in my movie, or maybe someone badass like Gambit or Cable, the X-Men sent me a Twitter-addicted negasonic teenage warhead.

“How many enemies do you have?” I don’t keep like a running kill-count or anything but 100 less than at the start of my movie. Several remaining names: Wolverine (tried to kill me after I flirted with his daughter WHO TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN 18), Wolverine’s daughter (same), Sweden (The Katana Incident), Madcap (me but less funny), and Modok (he’s a floating head).


Deadpool, how’s your granny? I heard your girlfriend kicked you out of the house. What do you think of your job? I hope your girlfriend will take you back.
How’s your day? When are you going to make another movie? In your last movie I liked it when you got your girlfriend back. I hope you make a new movie soon.

“How’s your granny?” SHE’S NOT MY GRANNY. She’s just someone I’m sharing a room with, who happens to be a granny, and also probably addicted to cocaine. That’s how she went blind. It’d also explain why she took a hitman as an AirBNB guest, just saying.

“What do you think of your job?” I have a job? I didn’t get paid anything for taking down Ajax. I wasn’t even able to sell the Zamboni. If Batman and Iron-Man have taught us anything, being a billionaire playboy is every bit as amazing as it sounds. If I have taught you anything, don’t go on a one-man journey of revenge and murderous redemption without getting paid for it.

“I hope your girlfriend will take you back.” Unlike the granny, she’s not blind (and I’m not a billionaire), so it won’t be easy.

“I hope you make a new movie soon.” Deadpool 2 is coming out next year. My sidekick Cable’s going to be in it. More importantly, me too.


Why did you think about becoming a hero when you got an offer? I love the part in your movie where you cut your hand off, that part made me laugh so much.

Why did you make a movie? Why is your name DeadPool? Why do you live with an old lady? Do you have a pet? Do you have a car? If you wanted a car what would it be?

“I love the part in your movie where you cut your hand off, that part made me laugh so much.” When you’re filming a movie, most scenes get practiced 30-40 times to get the performance just right. Check out the take where I pass out from blood loss. Comedy gold.

“Why did you make a movie?” My life is grim, dirty, and loaded with murder and betrayal. It was either Hollywood or politics, and I don’t look good in a tie.

“Why are you named Deadpool?” A deadpool is when people bet on who’s going to die first. I had cancer (and a lot of it), so most of the people at my bar thought I was going to die first. JOKE’S ON THEM, SUCKERS.

“Why do you live with a old lady?” She’s blind and slow, two of my main requirements in a roommate. Anybody else would have run to the cops years ago.

“What was your favourite part in the movie when you were acting?” The romance scenes were all my idea. And, no, we didn’t use stunt doubles. The studio is still working out whether my ideas for the sequel are okay for a rated R movie, though. Or legal.


5 responses so far

5 Responses to “Letters from Deadpool”

  1. o_n'on 22 Apr 2017 at 1:16 pm

    This one is better than how to write comedy. I guess I better like examples to analyze than just tips. I like the last lines. But I didn’t knew Deadpool has the patience to write letters(and even ever wanted to go Sweden).
    Maybe I should watch the movie, I have just seen the Kickass movies.

  2. B. McKenzieon 23 Apr 2017 at 3:19 am

    “I guess I better like examples to analyze than just tips.” Glad to help!

    “But I didn’t knew Deadpool has the patience to write letters.” A teacher doing a superhero letter-writing lesson asked for “superheroes” to respond to student letters. (The teacher made edits for appropriateness before giving the responses back, though — these are the unedited versions).

    I also liked the Catwoman one (not posted above).

    Hey Catwoman,

    I like your ears, they are so cool. You’re an ugly cat. If you looked better, I would like you better. I like what you wear. What is your real name? What is your favorite color? Do you have a cat? What is your special power?

    “If you looked better I would like you better.” I’m a supermodel, and sort of dating Batman. There’s nobody better than this. PS: If you say Supergirl, I will push you out a window.

    “What is your real name?” Most men call me gorgeous. I call them Not Happening. Unless they’re Batman (Sometimes Happening, it’s complicated).

    “What is your favorite color?” Is black too obvious? Okay, how about green? One of the world’s most valuable emeralds is on display at the Gotham Art Museum today. I have a buyer lined up for $50 million. That’s a lot of green.

    “Do you have a cat?” No. I hope Spider-Man doesn’t have any spiders, either.

    “What is your special power?” I’m the #1 thief in Gotham City. I have to deal with 4 superheroes, 30 supervillains, 5 crime families, and a shoot-to-kill police squad. You think Supergirl could pull that off? Please.

  3. B. McKenzieon 25 Apr 2017 at 3:52 pm

    Batman, how is life? I really like your Batmobile. You have a cool Batcave. What’s your real name? Do you like bats? I don’t like Robin that much. How annoying is Robin to you?

    “How is life?” Today: a high-speed Batmobile chase against Two-Face, knocking out Joker with a well-placed Batarang while ninja-kicking Harlequin in the face, and then disarming a bomb with a paperclip and willpower. Tomorrow: Two-Face will have a helicopter, Joker will bring friends, and there won’t be a paperclip.

    “How annoying is Robin to you?” He’s a smartass, irresponsible, and mopes around the Batcave when he should be practicing high-speed driving or aiming missiles. I’d still rather have him than 100 Supermans. Robin gets the job done, asks very little, and never complains about how boy scouts handle things in Metropolis.

    “What’s your real name?” Most criminals call me “IT’S HIM!” or “RUN!” Let’s go with that.



  4. o_n'on 26 Apr 2017 at 11:58 am

    Oh, I see. It sounds funnier than any Text book I hadin school.

  5. B. McKenzieon 26 Apr 2017 at 4:17 pm

    Thanks. I don’t think I had any humorous works assigned in any English class, and definitely not as a textbook.

    (The books that I read in English class were almost entirely pre-1950 classics or post-1950 works on social themes like racism/sexism. Neither one of these has a lot of modern humor potential… humor doesn’t age very well).

    Exception: there are moments in Great Gatsby and Dorian Gray that I remember decades later. E.g. in Great Gatsby an old-money rival uses “You can get anything at a drugstore nowadays” as an unexplained insult against a bootlegger and it’s an amazing insult if you catch it. Most memorable insults are more in-your-face than this. (George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: Here are two tickets to opening night, bring a friend if you have one. Winston Churchill: I’ll do the next show, if there is one).

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