Feb 13 2010

A crime-fighting haiku

Published by at 4:21 pm under Agent Orange

I’m not sure why Agent Orange would deliver a haiku to a criminal, but weirder things have happened in comic franchises.*

Your loathsome antics
have displeased America!
Surrender or die.

*The 1987 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles once did battle with a mutant banana… as the 2003 TMNT watched.  They had a crossover with themselves!  And a mutant banana.

16 responses so far

16 Responses to “A crime-fighting haiku”

  1. Anonymouson 13 Feb 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Delivering a haiku to a criminal sounds like something Agent Orange might do. Probably to show off that he can do them. And upon being asked why on earth he’d done so by Agent Black, would promptly pull out a series of diagrams and pie charts demonstrating exactly why haikus are fundamental to American freedom…
    Also, mutant bananas are awesome.

  2. Contra Gloveon 13 Feb 2010 at 5:03 pm

    That’s a pretty nice one. Good job, B. Mac. 🙂

  3. B. Macon 13 Feb 2010 at 5:28 pm

    “You nefarious Japan-hater!”

  4. Merideson 13 Feb 2010 at 8:24 pm

    I could see him doing this… you should totally run with it. Another page of the ‘Treatise on Awesomeness’ would include how Japanese tech has been influenced by alligators… or vice versa.

  5. B. Macon 13 Feb 2010 at 10:15 pm

    I was thinking about a page on alligators and the spread of democracy. For example, American soldiers first brought “Swampy the Loveable Alligator” to the (West) Berlin Zoo in 1952. Not coincidentally, surly East Germans displeased with their dearth of alligators took to the streets in East Berlin in 1953. But no alligators were forthcoming because East Germany was not very fond of taking in American immigrants. By 1954, it was clear that the gator-rich West Germany was ready to join NATO and the East Germans bided their time until they could break free from their gator-hating overlords.

    As for Japan, perhaps not alligators but nonetheless sizable reptiles have played a major role in bringing democracy. When Godzilla wrecked Tokyo in 1954, Japan was not much of a functioning country, let alone a democracy. Even this incidental exposure to badassery caused significant changes in Japan. It decided to build a Self-Defense Force that year to defend itself against reptilian invasions and, although the SDF has never actually had any measure of success against reptilian invasion, the concept was awesome enough that the UN begged Japan to join in 1956.

    Additionally, Japan’s largest political party, the LDP (Lizard-Defense Partisans) was founded in response to the threat. Since stopping reptilian destruction has always been the #1 issue in Japanese politics, the LDP has been one of the most consistently successful political parties in the world.

  6. Princess GGon 14 Feb 2010 at 6:13 am

    …god, I love Agent Orange.

  7. Sean Higginson 30 Nov 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Unfortunately, I see Agent Orange spouting a limmerick, not a haiku.

  8. B. Macon 30 Nov 2010 at 3:53 pm

    But what rhymes with “decapitated”?

  9. Sean Higginson 30 Nov 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Emancipated?

  10. Milanon 01 Dec 2010 at 6:14 am

    Dilapidated.

    Doesn’t leave you with many syllables though.

  11. Sean Higginson 01 Dec 2010 at 8:26 am

    Not my best work (but I don’t usually write limmericks) –

    The taxman thought himself awesome,
    In audits, no one would cross him
    Till Gator decapitated
    bad guys so dilapidated
    Now the taxman wants to play possum.

  12. B. Macon 01 Dec 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Here are a few Agent Orange limericks about the taxman’s state, Georgia.

    There once was a state-shaped sty
    where awesomeness went to die;
    It has less schools than bunions
    and its state fruit’s an onion,
    since both make everybody cry.

    *The onion is actually Georgia’s state vegetable, but good luck fitting “vegetable” into a limerick. (Also, grammatically speaking “less” should be “fewer,” but I thought the rhythm worked better this way).

    There once was a hellhole state,
    tops only in felony rate;
    They named themselves “Gorgemen”
    but misspelled it “Georgians,”
    We ought to trade them for Kuwait.

    (Editor’s note: Florida actually has more violent crime than Georgia, and pretty much everybody else for that matter).

    There once was a state of traitors,
    rapists, taxmen and haters,
    Abe Lincoln sent his soljahs
    to save Earth from “Joja,”
    but now it’s up to us Gators.

  13. Sean Higginson 01 Dec 2010 at 4:54 pm

    I concede victory to you B.Mac!

  14. B. Macon 01 Dec 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Heh heh, thanks. Which one did you like the best?

  15. Sean Higginson 02 Dec 2010 at 6:33 am

    I like #2 – rhyming with Kuwait is spectacular!

  16. B. Macon 02 Dec 2010 at 7:48 am

    Two friends were in South Carolina a few years back right around the time that a minor war broke out in Eastern Europe…

    FREAKED OUT FRIEND: Man, I totally think we should get out of here!
    FRIEND 2: Naw, dude, what’s up?
    FOF: I just saw on CNN the Russians attacked Georgia!

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