Mar 12 2009

Avi’s Forum

Published by at 12:30 pm under Review Forums

Blurb

It only takes a few people to start a global war for power:  a criminal mastermind who develops inhuman abilities, an alcoholic who transforms into a monster, a spirit who can possess any human and a mysterious serial killer who steals people’s energy.

What? – Supernatural thriller. Contains intense violence and dark elements.

Who? – Recommended for mature readers.

How? – Give me tough advice. I can take anything!

What’s it like? – Nothing else, at least nothing I’ve ever read.

28 responses so far

28 Responses to “Avi’s Forum”

  1. B. Macon 30 Apr 2009 at 1:19 pm

    This looks good so far. I’d recommend watching Heroes if you haven’t already; it has a similar premise. (Sylar is a serial killer that steals superpowers, Nicki transforms into a monster, and there are a few criminal masterminds). Heroes is probably the most popular superhero-themed TV show on the market right now, so there’s definitely demand for this sort of story.

  2. Avi Arunon 30 Apr 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Niki Sanders just has a personality shift (Jessica, Gina). But my character actually transforms (like Gray Hulk with a goon & with lots of fur). Also, I’d say my antagonist is more like Peter Petrelli because he can absorb powers without killing anyone. But he’s still different from him in the sense that he can’t recall his powers later. You can say my story is along the lines of Heroes, but my storyline is different, characters are different and the main theme is different too. That is why I did not mention Heroes in my comparable works.

    I plan to post the entire summary of the story first, then chapter synopsis, and then the first draft of the most important parts of each chapter. Is this okay?

  3. B. Macon 30 Apr 2009 at 10:08 pm

    This isn’t at all relevant yet, but when you’re pitching to publishers, I’d recommend mentioning Heroes to establish that the concept has been successful before. Also, at some point in the acquisition process, Heroes will probably get brought up anyway*, so you might as well bring it up on your terms. That will probably focus on why your book will appeal to Heroes’ audience and how your story is distinct from (and superior to) stories like Heroes.

    Why I think that one of the acquisitions personnel will mention Heroes even if your proposal doesn’t:
    –Heroes is a fairly visible TV show. I’m pretty sure that at least one person involved in the acquisitions decision will be somewhat familiar with it.
    –Unlike most other superhero stories that are aimed at mass audiences (Batman, Spiderman, Superman, Ironman), Heroes is about a large cast of characters rather than a single protagonist. X-Men also does that to some extent, but I think that the X-Men movies pretty much used Wolverine as the main character.
    –Unlike most mass-market superhero stories, Heroes is full of intense violence and nightmare fuel. (How many people has Sylar decapitated so far?) Similarly, I think your story is far more violent that the typical superhero movie.

    In short, I think I would embrace the comparison to Heroes. “There’s an audience for this sort of story, and I will build on a concept that has already proven successful.”

  4. B. Macon 30 Apr 2009 at 10:21 pm

    “I plan to post the entire summary of the story first, then chapter synopsis, and then the first draft of the most important parts of each chapter. Is this okay?” Sounds great. Good luck!

  5. Avi Arunon 01 May 2009 at 10:04 am

    If I mention Heroes in my query/manuscript, aren’t the agents/editors/publishers likely to think my story is a Heroes rip-off? If not, kindly add Heroes Season 3 to my comparable works section in my first post. I chose season 3 because it was the darkest (yet) season and it had arthur petrelli, who can steal powers.

    In my next post, I’ll be posting the entire summary of my story. Look out!

  6. Avi Arunon 01 May 2009 at 10:58 am

    Summary

    I’m not really sure whether the title ‘Yelp!’ defines my story. I need some help on that.

    Milo is a most wanted criminal mastermind. In the beginning of the story, Milo visits one of his old contacts, a famous biologist. There he tells him that he has developed inhuman abilities like extra ordinary strength since the past few months. Throughout his criminal life, he had only wanted money and riches. But now, he wants power, he wants everyone to be under him. Milo assumes the power had changed him. For the first time in many years, he regrets being a criminal and requests the biologist to cure him somehow. But when he learns his abilities are beyond the scope of science and there’s nothing he can do to cure him, milo forces the biologist to call the cops and tell them that he had managed to capture milo through treachery. With no choice left, the doctor does so. However, after the doctor calls the cops, milo doubts how long he can stay in prison. He’ll be tempted to escape and cause chaos because of his power. So, milo hands him a gun and orders him to shoot him quickly. When the cops arrive, the doctor must say milo heard him call them and he shot milo trying to defend himself. But the doctor refuses to kill him He tells milo that death is not a solution and asks him to use his powers for a good cause. The doctor tells about his own son, who also complained of inhuman abilities some years ago. but the doctor never believed him. Eventually, his son ran away from home in search of a solution because he cannot bear the torture hes going through. when milo hears sirens in the distance, he takes his gun from the doctor and leaves, assuring the doctor that he’ll use his power for a good cause and his first good deed is to find his son. Milo shoots the doctor in his knee and escapes in the nick of time. The doctor tells the cops that milo shot him and escaped.

    To be continued…..

  7. Avi Arunon 01 May 2009 at 11:39 am

    …..

    Milo orders his men to become approvers for the police and tell them all about milo, so that his men can escape punishment for anything he does. He then leaves the city and lodges in an old pub outside the city, planning his next move. In the pub, he finds a man heavily drinking and asks him to stop drinking. The man tells milo that he drinks to forget his pain. from his speech, milo recognizes the man to be the doctor’s son. Biggs, the man, rambles about how much he hates about his father because he never even cared to find him. milo tells him that the doctor never cared to find him because he wanted his son to live his own life atlast. Biggs does not listen to milo and orders more beer. milo bribes the waiter and so the latter refuses to serve him anymore beer. Biggs is enraged and beats the waiter aggressively. the rogues in the pub come to beat up biggs, but milo effectively uses his wit and manages to teleport biggs to the roof of the pub. biggs slips from the roof and falls facedown on the ground, but miraculously survives. The rogues come out carrying motorcycle chains to beat up biggs, but biggs transforms into a pale, brawny, red-eyed, enraged and furry version of himself, kills the rogues with aggression and runs away. milo manages to escape from the scene but faints due to fatigue.

    To be continued…..

  8. Avi Arunon 02 May 2009 at 10:37 am

    Milo wakes up in a prison cell. He is taken for investigation. The detective informs milo that atleast a dozen people were brutally murdered in the pub and he was the only person alive nearby. Also, milo is a known criminal and his own men are there to vouch for that. the detective gives milo a choice. If he accepts that he is the murderer now, then he’ll be legally punished and has very little chance to escape death sentence. But if he doesn’t accept that he’s the murderer, then he’ll be beaten to death by the cops the next moment and tell the media that milo committed suicide. No one will defy the law’s statement. the detective asks him to choose between the ‘way of the law’ and the ‘way of the demon’. milo chooses the way of the demon and tells the detective that milo will play the demon. milo uses his superfast reflexes to beat the bejesus out of the detective and the rest of the cops. The detective is almost killed when milo realizes what he’s doing. he controls himself and takes a mad rush out of the prison and out into the city.

    To be continued…..

  9. Avi Arunon 02 May 2009 at 10:51 am

    milo goes back to the pub in hopes of finding a clue about biggs’ whereabouts. he can’t find any unusual footprints nor fingerprints. a middle-aged man comes by the way and notices milo. the man comes slowly towards milo and asks him not to hurt him. the man tells milo that his life is gloomy and his family is in an economic crisis. If he can get milo to the cops, he’ll get a big reward to help build his economy. the man asks whether he could call the cops. milo thinks this guy is an idiot and ignores him. when milo turns away, the man gives milo a super strong blow. the man is then surprised at his own ability. milo is confused as well. when milo asks who he is, the man laughs menacingly seeing his sudden strength and continues to beat milo up. milo counter attacks and runs away from the scene as the man stands there, still laughing.

    To be continued…..

  10. Mr. Briton 02 May 2009 at 11:39 am

    It certainly sounds interesting and fairly different. However, I have a few problems.

    1) I think it’s a bit contrived that he happens to find the man he’s looking for at the first place he stays. Perhaps he could use some of his contacts to get some hints as to his location before he actually finds him.

    2) Presumably Milo’s men are criminals. If so, I find it odd that they will continue to listen to their leader after he has expressed a wish to make up for his crimes. Perhaps they could work independently instead and sell him out to the police of their own accord.

    3) The first chapter sounds like it might be a little wordy. I’d recommend having him surprise the doctor, who is familiar with his crimes. This will add an element of tension as he has to convince the doctor he means well so that he will help him.

    4) Chapter four feels a bit confusing. How is he searching for fingerprints? Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask around town? And why does the man let him go when he wants to claim the reward?

    Also, can you define Milo’s powers? As far as I can tell, he has teleportation and super reflexes but it would be helpful to know what exactly he can do.

    Sorry if this seems critical; I think it’s a very strong idea that only needs a little tweaking. :)

  11. B. Macon 02 May 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Chapter 1.

    This sounds like an interesting premise. I see a few minor execution issues, but nothing that looks particularly hard to fix.

    “For the first time in many years, he regrets being a criminal and requests the biologist to cure him somehow. But when he learns his abilities are beyond the scope of science and there’s nothing he can do to cure him, milo forces the biologist to call the cops and tell them that he had managed to capture milo through treachery.” This is a bit convoluted. I’d recommend having Milo start out by passing him the gun and telling him to shoot him. Then I’d recommend having the biologist call the cops instead. Also, I don’t think that there’s any need for the lying here (telling the cops that he had captured Milo through treachery instead of Milo just turning himself in).

    You can probably resolve this issue in the story, but it seems kind of contrived at first glance that the biologist just happens to be the father of another super-powered person. You can resolve that by saying that Milo picked this biologist because he is very familiar about these sorts of cases.

    Why does Milo shoot the doctor in the knee? That seems kind of random. Hadn’t he just agreed to use his powers for good? I’d like to suggest a smoother way to explain why the cops are after him even though he’s decided to turn his life around. Perhaps he’s decided that he wants to use his powers for good, but the biologist calls the cops because a criminal that powerful can’t be trusted. Right now, it seems to me that he just randomly shot the doctor in the knee because you wanted to explain why the cops will be after him later.

    Chapter 2.
    –I think the plot is progressing too quickly here. I’d recommend having him spend some time trying to find the doctor’s son as he dodges the cops.

    –”The rogues come out carrying motorcycle chains to beat up biggs, but biggs transforms into a pale, brawny, red-eyed, enraged and furry version of himself, kills the rogues with aggression and runs away.” Umm, is furry the word you meant to use? I think you might have meant to use “furious” instead. If you really did mean furry, I’d recommend making him transform in a different way because I think that publishers would rather not publish a furry story. (Talking animals!) For example, the Hulk and Metamorpho and Reed Richards and the Thing and the protagonist of Metamorphosis all go through freaky transformations. Furry transformations are uniquely problematic because the publisher might infer that the author has serious psychological issues.

  12. Avi Arunon 02 May 2009 at 8:23 pm

    Okay, I’ll make the necessary changes. Today, I’ll not be home, So I’ll try to update early tomorrow.

    P.S – I want Biggs to appear as human as possible, while still make it clear for the readers that he’s undergoing transformation. Any suggestions?

  13. B. Macon 02 May 2009 at 9:34 pm

    What do you think about Reed Richards and Metamorpho? They’re still clearly human, but altered in a way that is mostly unpleasant and occasionally unsettling.

  14. Avi Arunon 30 May 2009 at 9:16 am

    Ah, I’m finally updating my review forums after a very long time. The story I post here from now on is a slightly different story than my first. But don’t worry B. Mac, I’m not going to ask you to format my forum or anything. Over the past few days, I learned I’m not going to gain anything by being a perfectionist, so I’ll keep moving with the story fast this time.

  15. B. Macon 30 May 2009 at 9:29 am

    I’m looking forward to it. Good luck.

  16. Avi Arunon 04 Jun 2009 at 9:34 am

    Okay, I’ll be discussing and developing two or three concepts. I don’t feel the need for another review forum, so you can delete my other review forum.

    I’ve been planning and developing certain concepts for the past few days. First, I’ll give you a brief rundown of the plots. Tell me if its original and believable.

    Note – The names used here are not final names. To save time, I’m not going to be fancy, so try to understand.

    - Story about a lazy, unsuccessful clerk, Bala. His symptoms start from his high school days, since when he’s excessively tired during day time and dozes off at school and later at work. It is revealed that he had been sleepwalking for the past few years. In his delirium, he had been trying to hunt down and kill the men responsible for the murder of his beloved. The killers, who are currently in prison, identify this and beg the cops to protect them. The cops send their elite officer, Yamini, to take care of him. She encounters the hunter and injures him severely, but is unable to catch him. The cops start referring the hunter as Garu (meaning Night crow) and he becomes popular in the media. Bala, now aware that he has been sleepwalking, offers to help the cops in all ways possible. Balu is teamed up with Yamini, who are the only two directly involved or met with Garu. They learn Garu does everything only through muscle memory and thoughts deeply recorded within his mind. Bala asks for his memories to be wiped out, so that Garu can be killed, but the cops fear that Garu, who has not taken over for some time because of the severe injuries he faced with, may take over if Bala is held unconscious for a long time. Soon enough, Garu develops extra-ordinary strength and stamina and takes over as soon as Bala becomes unconscious. The rest of the story revolve around how Garu gets to the killers and how the elite cops catch him.

    So, is it okay?

  17. B. Macon 04 Jun 2009 at 11:04 am

    It reminds me of Death Note, but I think it’ll feel unique if you execute it well. Good luck.

  18. Avi Arunon 05 Jun 2009 at 11:13 am

    I got a very big story, as I was saying. I’m planning for a series of 14 books with lots of things happening in every book. I still feel I may be missing some logic here and there, and that’s why I need you to help me patch up the holes. Tell me if some scene needs to be deleted, added or modified. Also tell me if a particular scene could do better somewhere else. I can modify anything, so don’t hesitate. After all, I better do it now rather than do it after I am halfway through.

    So, here’s the plan (Just a brief rundown. I’ve not planned the whole thing yet.) :-

    —————————————————————————————————————————-

    Book 1

    Prologue reveals that a man had finally found the people he was looking for. He telepathically contacts them and arranges a meeting.

    After about 24 years, Criminal Mastermind Siva hacks into the FBI records and manages to transfer the info about his client to his pen drive. He begins to hear voices when he’s about to make his escape and the pain inside his head causes him to faint. Unfortunately, he gets caught and is forced to work with the police to catch Siva’s client. When he tries to play a double game, the police react quick and shoot him between his eyes. As he is still needed, he is operated by world class doctors to make sure he is alive. However, he loses his eyesight.

    He is guided to an unknown place telepathically by a man who plans to kill him. But he is saved by a girl, who plants him new eyes. His new eyes give him the ability to see upto a certain range above normal humans and he can even sense presence behind him. The girl, Cassidy (Healer), tells Siva that his eyes once belonged to his father who had abandoned him before he was born. She also tells him that she is part of a mutant organization that share a common goal – to rebuild a world without the people they hate. To achieve this, they track down and kill other mutants and one of their men absorbs the dead mutant’s powers from his corpse.

    As Siva learns more about his eye, he is transported back in time by someone. Back in time, Siva remains hidden and witnesses a gathering. A psychic speaks to the rest, informing that one in a million is mutated at an early age. But only one in a billion may survive after their cells are mutated. These men are the survivors. He tells the people that he had been tracking down other survivors for the past 8 years and had finally found them. He puts forth the idea that they can work together and make the world a better place. Everyone rejects his offer, either because they’re afraid or because they thought saving the world plan is a fantasy. Only Brahma, Siva’s father, accepts the deal and the meeting comes to an end.

    Siva does not tell Cassidy anything and goes in search of the organization himself to find more about his father. He knows their faces, most of their names and he had been inside their headquarters back in time, so Siva thinks he can easily track him down. Cassidy suspects Siva is upto something and silently follows him. Meanwhile, Siva is being pursued by someone. That night, the pursuer catches up with Siva. He introduces himself as the leader of Boomi, the organization Cassidy was talking about. He posseses extra-ordinary strength. Siva begins to lose when Cassidy shows up and saves him. Suddenly, Siva is transported back in time again.

    Back in time, Siva witnesses another meeting. But this time, Brahma is speaking to the rest. He puts forth his plan to rebuild the world according to their likes and seeks help from them. All other survivors are eager to help. He had told the psychic to the same spot later that day. Brahma asks the survivors to help him imprison the psychic because he might be helpful. Siva comes back to the present to see the leader of Boomi gone, along with Cassidy.

    Siva goes to the library to look for information about the Boomi Headquarters. He has no money to borrow a book, so he steals a book about world tourism and enters a pub. He flips through the pages and finds an old building which resembles the HQ. It was demolished some years ago to give way for Bernard Exports. Siva suspects he might find some useful info if he goes to Bernard Exports. As he leaves, two drunk men try to harass a lady. Another drunk guy fights them to get the girl for himself and knocks them out with his extra ordinary strength. Siva assumes this guy is super strong and convinces the big guy to go with him by promising unlimited wine and women every night if he agrees to help him rescue his friend.

    As they travel, Siva learns that Ricky Jones is super strong only when he is high. Siva tells him more about their mission although RJ does not believe or care about anything he says and he only goes with Siva for the wine he promised.

    They find Bernerd Exports in the middle of an american city. Siva’s eye had recorded the place he saw back in time and remembers where he must go. Siva and RJ beat up all the guards and reach the basement where they find members of Boomi waiting. Siva learns that Bernerd is actually the leader of Boomi and is the super strong man he earlier met. Bernerd asks one of the other survivors to show Siva the best part and Siva is transported back in time once more.

    This time, the survivors have captured the psychic and kept him frozen. Brahma tells the other survivors that they are finally ready to go. Brahma asks the younger version of the time manipulator where he is. The kid points Siva, and the survivors carry him towards brahma. Brahma realizes that Siva is the future version of his yet unborn son. The other survivors realize that brahma is trying to save Siva, so they join forces to face off against Brahma and Siva.

    Brahma asks Siva to stay back and fights off every other survivor with his eyes as his only guide. When all the other members fight Brahma, the time kid attacks Siva by slowing down time. Siva is able to detect the movements of the kid very fast due to his eye and manages to kill him. When the kid is killed, Siva is transported back to the present where Bernerd lies dead, apparently killed by RJ. All the other members of Boomi had escaped and Cassidy had sacrificed herself by using all her energy to heal the dying RJ.

    RJ decides to help Siva from then on, not because of the wine he promised, but because he had understood what it is to fight for justice. RJ can now use his super strengh at will. Siva and RJ continue their journey to find the rest of the Boomi, to put an end to what his father began.

    ——————————————————————————————————————————————

    I’ll post the synopsis of the second book, after I get some reviews for this one. I’m not sure if it’s okay to leave a clue about a sequel at the end of the book. What do you think? Thank you!

  19. Sandmanon 07 Jun 2009 at 9:51 am

    Most books leave themselves upon for a sequel so yeah, leave a clue or two. What powers does Siva have? You say he hears voices before he’s caught, but does that mean telepathy or super hearing?

  20. Holliequon 07 Jun 2009 at 1:33 pm

    “When he tries to play a double game, the police react quick and shoot him between his eyes. As he is still needed, he is operated by world class doctors to make sure he is alive. However, he loses his eyesight.”
    Um, he survives being shot between the eyes? Unless this guy has some form of invulnerability, he’d never survive something like that. If he tries to pull a fast one, perhaps there’s a fight and this somehow winds up damaging his eyes?

    “He has no money to borrow a book, so he steals a book about world tourism and enters a pub.”
    Where is this set? Because I’m pretty sure the idea of libraries is that they’re, um, free.

    “Siva assumes this guy is super strong and convinces the big guy to go with him by promising unlimited wine and women every night if he agrees to help him rescue his friend.”
    The guy he’s just recruited sounds like he’s a bit . . . idiotic. Does he really believe in a promise of “unlimited wine and women”? Drunk/high or not, that’s just dumb.

    “As they travel, Siva learns that Ricky Jones is super strong only when he is high.”
    Drugs can be a problem in origin stories because they’re so controversial. I would recommend changing this.

    “Cassidy had sacrificed herself by using all her energy to heal the dying RJ.”
    I don’t think she’s ever met this guy. Why would she sacrifice her life for him?

    -I really don’t understand any of the time travel stuff at the end. Is Siva the psychic they’re after? I thought Brahma was working for Boomi? What do they mean by “he”?

    The plot is kind of confusing right now, but I think this could actually work as a single novel with the potential for a sequel. If you end on a positive note of “we can take down the rest of Boomi together!”, that would be an acceptable ending, I think.

  21. Sandmanon 07 Jun 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Yeah, and by the way, where does the name the Boomi come from? I think it’s possible to survive a headshot, but yeah, not between the eyes. Oh and just how does Brahma realise that Siva is the future version of his as yet unborn son? Because it is a bit of an unlikely conclusion to reach.

  22. Avi Arunon 12 Jun 2009 at 9:08 am

    Sorry for the long absense. Let me explain :-

    - I’ll change the sequences which lead to the loss of Siva’s eyes. I’ll also change RJ’s motivations and his addiction to drugs.

    - I don’t how to kill Cassidy, so I made here sacrifice herself. She is not needed anymore, so I just did the right thing and killed her. Any better ideas?

    - The psychic is not Siva. He is the man who gathered all the members of Boomi for a good cause. But the other members only wanted to rebuild the world using their power. So, they planned to get rid of the psychic. But because his powers are useful, they only imprison him.

    - There is a time manipulator in Boomi. He was the one who was taking Siva to the past. In the end, Bernerd wants this guy to show Siva about how Brahma was killed. But, Siva went to the past and killed the time manipulator.

    - Brahma had already traveled to past and future with the time manipulator. That is how Brahma identifies his son when he sees him.

    - ‘Boomi’ means Earth or World in most of the Indian languages (Hindi/Tamil to name a few). I thought it is suitable because Boomi’s main goal is to rebuild the world.

  23. Holliequon 12 Jun 2009 at 12:37 pm

    “I don’t how to kill Cassidy, so I made here sacrifice herself. She is not needed anymore, so I just did the right thing and killed her. Any better ideas?”
    She gets killed by somebody else? I don’t know. This could probably work if you set her up to seem like somebody who would give her life for a random stranger.

    “There is a time manipulator in Boomi. He was the one who was taking Siva to the past. In the end, Bernerd wants this guy to show Siva about how Brahma was killed. But, Siva went to the past and killed the time manipulator.”
    Um, he’s sent back in time so he can see how his father was killed? Really? Because this seems like something that could have worked by being described. I would recommend thinking of another reason for sending Siva back in time, because it makes the villain seem sort of incompetant. Perhaps he wants to get rid of Siva/Brahma’s eyes, but, um, that has to be done by somebody in the past. Or something.

  24. Sandmanon 12 Jun 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Well you could just kill Cassidy with a congenital heart defect. Or have her get hit by a bus. Or a falling turtle…
    OR if there’s a new character you want to introduce… How about a shapeshifter who creates whole new personas, including superpowers. Then you don’t need to kill a little girl, and you have an introduction for a new character.

  25. Avi Arunon 12 Jun 2009 at 10:13 pm

    WOW, Sandman, you saw right through me. How can you possibly know I was planning a shapeshifter for a sequel? However, The shapeshifter does not make an appearance in the first book.

    - Are father and son/daughter supposed to have the same power?

    - Tell me if this works :-

    In the second book, Siva gets transported to the future for a short time. Siva is not sure how this is happening because he killed the time manipulator. Later in the book, Siva learns that there is a member in Boomi who can steal powers from a survivor once they’re dead. This man, Uyon, is locked up in a cell in the new Boomi HQ, because he tried to kill his own teammates. After Uyon’s failed attempt to kill the speedster and current leader of Boomi, Dmitri, the members of Boomi learn that Uyon can kill anyone just by transporting them through time. Dmitri plans to kill him. In the end, Dmitri is only able to lock Uyon in a place from where he can’t use his powers. Dmitri is killed in this book by Siva and RJ. Uyon makes an appearance again in later books.

    I’ll give you the detailed summary of the second book once I get an answer for this post. Thank you!

  26. Avi Arunon 07 Aug 2009 at 11:28 am

    Okay, I realize the stories I have been posting here have lots of really-hard-to-correct flaws. I am now working on a really simple concept for a fantasy/superhero hybrid with no idées compliquées. The ideas are only vague, but with your help, I’ll soon have a fully logical story.

    The setting for my story is a little island city (based on London minus technology). People on this island are mostly shipwrecked or in rarer cases, air crash survivors (no similarity to Lost). These people, most of whom having lost their memories and with no way out of the island, began colonizing the island and have been living a peaceful life ever since. The strangely cool climate of the city had given the inhabitants inhuman abilities (no lame laser vision or aqua breath here).

    With these powers, the people find a way to manipulate certain natural elements and use it as an energy source. Each individual takes up a profession that suits his/her abilities (basic professions like barber, doctor, cobbler etcetera. No software designers or geneticists).

    The story is initially told through the eyes of a new inhabitant, as she learns about the island, then with the protagonist as the POV character. The protagonist is a not-so respected person in the city, because he has no abilities, hence cannot help anyone in this power dependent city.

    Soon, the protagonist discovers that he can copy the ability of another person when the person is in the vicinity. The people think the protagonist may become chaotic and threaten their survival, hence the elders make plans to get rid of him. The protagonist is informed of this and is forced to accept his fate. The girl (first POV) and few other characters get acquainted with the protagonist before the day of the sentence, and they make plans to escape the pro’s doom.

    During the day when the pro was supposed to be drowned, his friends create chaos all over the city and help the pro escape and go into hiding. The elders are angered by this and issue an agreement for separation of the island into two parts – The north part (City of Ice), where the people of higher class (people with great abilities) live and the southern part (City of Fire), where the people with unbalanced, underdeveloped or dangerous abilities live.

    When the southerners disagree with this pact, a civil war breaks out (The War of Ice against Fire). The rest of the story speaks about how the Ice general leads his city against the fire city, how the people of fire city revolt against the people of ice, and how the protagonist and his friends try to suppress the war.

    Tell me what you think?

  27. Avi Arunon 07 Aug 2009 at 8:24 pm

    anyone there?

  28. B. Macon 07 Aug 2009 at 9:20 pm

    I think that fleshing out this city in a story will be surprisingly complicated, but as long as you have the space and inclination to do so, it shouldn’t be a problem.

    The story is initially told through the eyes of a new inhabitant, as she learns about the island, then with the protagonist as the POV character.” I would recommend doing one or the other, but I think that having both perspectives might raise focus issues. One way you might be able to resolve this would be to tell the beginning from the perspective of the protagonist as he helps introduce a new inhabitant to the city, or when he himself is introduced to the city.

    I really like the idea of the character having to escape because the town finds his powers unsafe. It’s big enough to be interesting but narrow enough to be easy to follow and interesting. In contrast, the civil war (and maybe even that he has friends across the city cause trouble on his behalf) is so big that I fear the main character(s) will get lost in the shuffle.

    Anyway, I’d recommend that you get working on writing the story as soon as possible rather than going back on forth on conceptual stuff.

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