Mar 03 2009
Review Forums
Review forums are forums where an author can post his material and get reader feedback. It’s similar to online writing workshops like Critters, but on Critters you have to wait six weeks to post one story and then six weeks to post the next. That’s a long time to wait for (typically) around ten reviews. On your review forum, you can post as much as you want, whenever you want. If you’d like a review forum, please leave a comment here with at least a few sentences describing your story and we’ll set one up for you.
If you have other questions about review forums, please see this article.
These are some of the review forums we currently host. I’ve bolded a few of my favorites.
- Holliequ– “I’m writing a fantasy novel about two teenagers trapped in a strange world of gods and magic.”
- Ragged Boy– “I’m currently writing a sci-fi superhero comic book. It’s about a young actor from the hood named Adrian, who is plunged into the middle of an intergalactic contest/experiment. He dons the identity of Showtime and faces mysterious villains as he fights his way through the contest.”
- ReTARDISed Whovian– “I’m mainly working on a superhero novel about a 16 year-old boy. He was abandoned in our universe as a baby and was raised as a human. He uses his superpowers to fight crime. He is trying to prevent his girlfriend from revealing his secret and to defeat a villain with a grudge.”
- Tom — mainly writing scripts for a superhero TV show about four superpowered teenagers.
- Wings– “I’m working on a superhero novel called How to Save the World, about a group of teens given superpowers by a mysterious chemical. They struggle to defeat the power-hungry Scarlet and free his hypnotized minions. They also have to unravel the mystery of their powers and make sure the outside world never finds out.”
- B. Mac– mainly working on the Superhero Nation comic book and a nonfiction book about how to write superhero stories. He runs this website.
- Cool D
- Lunajamnia– mainly working on a superhero novel.
- Dforce– mainly working on two superhero comic books.
- Wings 2–”This forum is where I work on Darkstar Rising, another superhero novel about a rogue superhuman who works for both good and evil, a superhero team without a leader, a group of villains that is not what it seems, and a mastermind who seeks to rid the world of them all. I may also discuss my other, future, works here.”
- Retardised Whovian 2–
- Andy–working on a variety of stories ranging from a person getting stuck in a comic book world, to a fantasy mystery, to a villain getting framed for the death of a hero.
- Becca
- Lighting Man
- Avi Arun– “I’m working on a superhero-themed thriller.”
- Avi Arun 2– “I’m mainly working on a supernatural superhero comedy about a hero trying to find the origin of his powers.”
- Halfbakery– mainly working on a futuristic sci-fi novel.
- Chi.Ro — mainly working on a sci-fi superhero novel.
- Yogesh — mainly working on a fantasy novel.
- Dr. Eagle G– mainly working on a comedic superhero novel about a hero without any powers.
- Wade
- Asaya
- Gurion Omega
- Gurion Omega 2
- Marissa
- Trollitrade– Do Tell Trinket
- Trollitrade – Candy Land.
- Frank– mainly working on a superhero novel.
- Stefan the Exploding Man
- Fitz
- Kynnaston
- Call of Cthulhu– “I’ve been mostly working on a super-hero novel where a zombie invasion is one of the main plot-points. I’m trying to distance it from Marvel Zombies as much as possible, of course.”
- Mnkyking–”Quill’s Story is a traditional coming of age story, set in a recognizable fantasy world-but with an Asian flair.”
- Collision
- Dinhilion
- Ham
- Troy
- Mack
- Psycho Child
- Sandman
- Eren Ramzi
- Shard Reaper
- Trek Fan– he’s mainly working on a superhero novel titled The Black Maverick.
- Michael Leza
- Thablue
- Jmilb
- StarE
- Fox
- Ghost
- SVT
- Kuro
- BrainStormer
- Trek Fan
- Faraway Soul
- Black Cat
- Call
- The Chozen
- Scribblar
- JunoDagger
- Roseaponi
- The Walrus
- Brontes
- A. Jones
- Mike Alexander
- J. Teer
- Mr. Crowley
- If you’d like a review forum, just leave a comment and we can usually set one up within a day.
Hey, this is pretty cool. But I’d suggest you leave the Review Forum tabs on the sidebar, too (it’s easier for a newbie, like I once was, to look at without searching for it, and its a little friendlier- it lets people know that they, too, can have one)… well, that’s what I think, anyway.
And uh, I’m working on a comic book btw. Two, actually.
This is awesome. I’ve noticed a large increase in productivity this month. From a wave of newcomers to the various stories now floating along. I need to get on more often so I can help review more. Usually, by the time I get to someones review forum they’ve already received all the assistance they need.
You could use my short synopsis in my forum as its introductory sentence here.
Also, I’m glad that you like my story. Sincere encouragement is hard to find nowadays.
YES!
Now I can finally find my own forum!
- Wings the Excited
Yeah, I’ll leave the Review Forums links up on the side-bar as well.
Good, thank you.
- Wings the Thankful
Not quite like Critters, ‘tho. Critters is password-protected. Publishing issues, y’know.
Critters passwords are given out like candy, so they don’t really do much to keep someone dedicated from seeing your work. However, there’s a legal distinction. If you’d like, we can set up a password for your review-forum like “password” or something else obvious to your readers. That way you will retain those legal benefits without losing too many readers on the password block. Any password will reduce the amount of people that participate in your forum, though.
Bingo. They make a big deal out of the restriction and proceed to let anyone in that asks for it. Maybe its real purpose is to limit troublemakers.
Possibly. I imagine there might be occasional problems with reviewers that are so ridiculously unfriendly that they have to be banned. (I’ve heard some horror stories). The password might make the ban a little bit more meaningful.
Also, I get the impression that Critters wants to keep its audience manageably small. The password helps the site feel exclusive. Also, having people wait for a password helps weed out the marginally-interested.
I’m starting to work on a hero novel in my spare time. I take criticism well, but I normally read Fantasy books just because I’m not too big of a fan of most of the established superheros in novel form out there. I’ve written a story starter, and I want some feedback to see if my style of writing is even somewhat interesting.
Paragraph starts:
Paragon Lost (horrible title, will change it later)
The volume on the television was blaring. The electric glow illuminated the silhouette of a man sleeping in a recliner. His five-day beard growth was full of crumbs and smelled like the cheap beer that was once in the numerous bottles that littered the floor of his studio apartment.
<>
The man in the recliner didn’t move. He had heard and processed the news report in his sleep. Old habits die hard. He rolled over in his drunken stupor and mumbled, “Paragon’s not in right now. Leave a message…” and drifted back to sleep.
Correction to the post above. Some of my formatting stripped out a whole paragraph of what I wrote. Here is the corrected version.
The volume on the television was blaring. The electric glow illuminated the silhouette of a man sleeping in a recliner. His five-day beard growth was full of crumbs and smelled like the cheap beer that was once in the numerous bottles that littered the floor of his studio apartment.
{{…and now for WTTT breaking news. The super villain known only as SkullJack has taken control of the New Phoenix Children’s Hospital and intends to hold the city ransom until Mayor Blackridge officially transfers control of the city to him. Initial reports coming in from the NPPD say he and his men have at least 120 hostages on the top four floors of the building. Although it has yet to be substantiated, it’s been reported that he announced over the hospital’s public address system that for every half-hour passed that his demands weren’t met, he would throw a hostage out a window, starting with the nursery ward. This is the seventh attack by SkullJack in a week-long crime spree. With SkullJack running wild, the question on the mind of every citizen is “Where are you Paragon?”…}}
The man in the recliner didn’t move. He had heard and processed the news report in his sleep. Old habits die hard. He rolled over in his drunken stupor and mumbled, “Paragon’s not in right now. Leave a message…” and drifted back to sleep.
Small Request: Could you please add a “superhero” between sci-fi and comic in my short synopsis above?
Thanks.
Where’s mine? *sadface*
Ack, I forgot to update the review forums page. I just added you in. Would you like to write a 1-2 sentence synopsis for your work?
Umm… Okay, I’ll probably ask to change it later on-
‘Writing scripts for a superhero TV show about four superpowered teenagers’.
Ok, got it.
Could you add . . .
“mainly working on a fantasy novel about two teenagers, Victor and Zoe, trapped in a strange world of gods and magic.”
. . . to mine, please?
Ok.
Could you add “mainly working on a superhero novel about a boy named Isaac. He is trying to prevent his girlfriend from revealing his secret and defeat a villain with a grudge” next to mine please? Thanks.
Shouldn’t this list be in alphabetical order? (B. Mac, if you make it in alphabetical order, your name will be first.
)
Hmm, I don’t like alphabetical order. I think it’s fine in somewhat chronological order.
Yeah I’ve noticed how useful that ‘recent comments’ thing is. Is there any place where we can access the ‘archive’ of recent comments? That would be a useful feature.
Not that I know of. That was one of the reasons we introduced review forums, actually… to make it easier to follow up on comments from weeks ago.
Hello, I’m new here, I’m currently writing a comedic superhero novel about a superhero with no powers and this site has been immensely helpful in the day or so I’ve been reading it.
I’d like a review forum. Am I going about it the right way? Do I have to be initiated first? Am I even asking the right questions? Who am I? Who are you?
Help!
Hello, I’m Ragged Boy, Raggs for short. I think you’ve done enough. We’re not some elusive club of writing psychos and terrorists (yet).
When B. Mac gets on he can open up a forum for you.
Excellent.
Many thanks to you and your various family members.
Ok, got it. You can see it here. Hmm, that was 25 minutes from request-to-setup. I think that’s a new record for us.
[UPDATE: In the month since, we've done four in under five minutes, including two at three minutes].
Hey, thanks for the speedy turnaround.
In honour of this, I just stood up and spun around, thus completing my own speedy turnaround.
Ho ho ho.
Now then, is there any type of etiquette or protocol I should be aware of when using the review forums?
We give a lot of leeway to authors within their own review forums. Here are a few suggestions.
1. It will be much easier to convince readers to stay (and return) if the writing is organized in a logical fashion. For example, going from chapter 1 to 2 to 3 is the easiest way to introduce readers to a story as it unfolds.
2. The surest way to get people commenting on your review forum is to post new material and to get involved in others’ review forums.
3. Be polite.
4. Don’t let reviews get you defensive.
Sounds like a plan. Thanks for your help, Colonel!
Oh sorry, one more question, is there a way to format what you write in the notes section? (bold, underline etc).
Thankee.
Yeah. Our commenters can format their comments with some HTML code.
The tag for underline is u.
Sorry, I didn’t know how to create a review forum. That’s why I have been posting on other things a lot.
Just ask, Wade.
B. Mac, you mean?
I didn’t mean is like ” ask Wade,” I meant “ask, Wade.” As in I was talking to Wade when I was speaking.
Sorry, my mistake for my phrasing.
Oh, by the way… Wade, I set up your forum here.
Thanks.
I would like a review forum to be set up for me.
“I am writing a science fiction novel called ‘The King’s Coin’. It’s about a very old coin, recovered in modern age, that has the property to absorb or transfer energy. The story revolves around journalist Clue, his allies and foes, fighting with one another for the possession of the coin, while clue must find out the mysterious origin of the coin before it gradually loses its potential”.
Ok, Avi. I set it up for you here.
Hey B.Mac. Can I get a review forum too?
Once more.
Superhero Nation
Hooray, I did it right!
Hi, Fitz. I’ve set up your review forum here.
Say, B. Mac, can you put this in my forum’s description?
“I’m working on a superhero novel called How to Save the World, and, eventually, its sequel. The plotline revolves around a group of teens given superpowers by a mysterious chemical and their struggle to defeat the power-hungry Scarlet, to free his hypnotized minions, to unravel the mystery of their powers, and to make sure the outside world never finds out.”
- Wings the Awesome One
Got it.
B. Mac, I’ve got a question for you.
I’m very… selective, let’s call it, of whose criticism I trust before I’ve got at least my third draft of things. Call it an inflated ego, but I’m positive I know what I’m doing 90% of the time, and the other 10%, I’ve got a few specific questions that could fix.
However, I’ve been coming up with all kinds of questions I’d like advice on that relate to my story but don’t actually reference excerpts.
My question is:
Does a review forum have to be for reviewing sections of writing, specifically? Or can it be for getting advice, as well?
For example, my first question is going to be, “What do you think life/the world/America is going to be like in fifty years?” I’ll specify what I have already so none of it contradicts. It will help me with my setting, make sure I’ve got no setting-related plotholes.
I use my review forum for getting bits and pieces of my work reviewed, but I generally ask questions on relevant articles. For example, I’ll post a paragraph on my forum but ask about personalities for my characters on “List of Character Traits”.
To each their own, ask questions on your forum if you want.
Personally, I think life will be a bit different but not radically. In the 1920′s they thought we’d be living on the moon right now.
We’ll have new technology. In just the last 30 years we’ve had PlayStation, computers, iPods and the like, so we should have a hell of a lot more by 2059.
I hope the world will get over prejudice and problems like famine, AIDS, cancer and pollution will be stopped, brought under control or progressing towards a resolution. I have no idea for what the US will be like, because I’ve never been.
Well, thank you very much, RW, though I was totally fine with waiting until I got a forum set up. If I were allowed to use it for that, I mean.
No problem.
I’ve set up a review forum for you here, Marissa. Feel free to use it however you’d like.
Thank you very much.
@ B. Mac
I think most of Superhero Nation doesn’t know my review forum’s password. There has been a significant drop in visitors since we made it password protected. What can we do about this?
B. Mac, can I get a review forum, please?
Thanks in advance!
Welcome. B. Mac should be with you soon.
Ok, no hurry.
I’ve set up your review forum here.
Hello. I’ve been gone for a while. Miss me?
I’m considering a new story, completely unrelated to How to Save the World (this is my first book if you haven’t visited me yet). It’s a sci-fi futuristic setting with a heavy dash of romance.
Anyway, I was hoping that another review forum could possibly be set up for me if it’s okay with you guys.
- Wings
Hi, Wings. I’ve set up your second review forum here.
Hello, Wings! It’s good to see you back.
Yay! Wings is back.
Welcome back.
I think my review forum is not reviewed/visited anymore. So, I updated more interactive stuff. I posted the synopsis of the first 5 chapters of my story. Please visit Avi Arun 2 and review it.
Say, B. Mac.
Can you put this on my second forum?
This forum is where I mainly work on Ai, a sci-fi/romance in which an artificial intelligence created to be the ultimate codebreaker falls in love with a human being. I also discuss my other, future works here which are usually science fiction or fantasy.
- wings
Hey, I’ve only been here a short time, I’d just like to ask for a review forum. Thanks.
I’ve been mostly working on a super-hero novel where a zombie invasion is one of the main plot-points (I am making sure to try and distance it from Marvel Zombies as best as I can).
Thanks.
Ok. I’ve set one up for you here.
No one visits or comments on mine, either.
“No one visits or comments on my forum, either”
Oh, don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic.
The only people that get commented alot are those that are updating a lot. I’ve been gone a few days, but I think most of your recent posts have been outside of your forum.
David, I don’t feel like there’s very much new to comment on. I feel that the story is pretty much the same as it was the last time I commented. Having already weighed in, I’d like to reserve my time for the other 30 authors either doing review forums or e-mailing me for advice. Right now, my backlog is about 50,000 words.
I think it’s about time we updated this page for productivity. For example, I haven’t seen Frank or Halfbakery in ages.
Myself as well. Some of these forums have been left empty for a while…
On the topic of empty forums, I’ll start writing Chapter Two ASAP.
- Wings
And then just look at all the new people who don’t seem to post very often. Nothing against them, but a couple forums are still empty.
- Wings
I think people who are here (even if they aren’t using their forum) can stay up, but those that are irregular or completely absent should be moved down.
I wish Brett was still regular, we had good times when it was just the trio. Me, Whovian, and Brett.
im gonna try and comment on other peoples Review forms do my best to give gd advice lol
here gos
I’ve posted in my review forum after a long time. Go to my first review forum an check it out.
@ B. Mac
Can you please update my synopsis in this page too? Lastly, can you keep both my review forums accessible from the sidepanel?
“We had good times when it was just the trio. Me, Whovian, and Brett.” It was certainly easier to proofread comments back then. But the point of advance publicity is to gather an audience, so I definitely can’t complain that I have more commenters.
Quite right. We newbies are good.
I myself have been looking at how much this website has grown. When I joined in January, there were maybe 11 forums counting myself. Now we have – what, 25?
That’s over 60% more people who actually post about writing. I’m not even counting the review-only people or the lurkers.
- Wings
David said “I’m gonna try and comment on other people’s review forms and do my best to give good advice. Here goes.”
I’d be honored if you gave some thoughts and observations on my work.
right no problem i shall give it a go but im no B.mac lol
speaking of B.mac i have a question i was gonan put in the open writen form but i cant find it i never can unless somone posts in it lol
anyways
in say LOTRS how can we tell frodo is a hobbit or the other guys are Elvs dwarfs, and such without beening told thats what they are what do they do that makes them diffrent from how a human would react
David, try typing “open writing forum” in the searchbox at the top of the navigation bar.
As for your question, I’m not sure. I think normally we are told, or characters notice certain features about them which the reader associates with a certain race. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
hey didnt know you could do that lol thanks Holliequ and its ok
@ B. Mac
You forgot to update my story synopsis on this page. You could post something like : working on a superhero themed thriller
Hey, I made a post yesterday about how similar my council and someone else’s are. I don’t know where I posted it, but now I can’t find it anywhere. I was waiting for an answer. Had it been deleted? Had I been rude?
You posted that on Ragged Boy’s review forum.
I’ve made a big update in my first review forum. check it out! I’m looking for some reviews…
I think this is the comment you’re referring to. It’s still up. I don’t think it was rude, but I think that implying that RB took it from you was a bit much. Calling a mysterious a group “a council” is almost as commonplace as calling a caped vigilante a superhero.
“but I think that implying that RB took it from you was a bit much”
No, I didn’t mean anything like that. Sorry, B. Mac and RB if I was rude. I only informed him that I have something similar to his work. Forgive me guys.
Ok. Not a problem.
@ B. Mac
I have a few requests to ask you :-
(1) In the first post of my first review forum, rename ‘Blurb for Yelp!‘ to just Blurb. I haven’t decided the title yet and the current title does not go well with the genre. So it might mislead the readers/reviewers.
(2) I got 2 concepts in mind (see below). These are for the stories I’ll be writing if and only if my current work is successful. Kindly tell me which one has more potential. I’ll be working on both, but I’ll discuss one in my other review forum once in a while, so that I need not go for the hard way : Brainstorming!
(3) My second review forum is getting old and smelly. So, please format it so that I could post fresh concepts. (I know…. I know this sounds familiar, but I’ll try to stick with this concept atleast for an year or two. I promise!)
My Concepts (remember those sample names?)
By the way, I haven’t planned the concepts out fully, so these are just blurbs. catchy or not?
(1) Brian is the greatest superhero fan ever. There’s nothing he doesn’t know about them. He totally admires them (you get the idea, right?). But this story is all about his dad. Brian’s dad Smith is a man struggling to get his family above the poverty line. He’s simple and not very smart. Cudgel is a scientist who develops a machine that will radiate the body and give someone upto 2 special abilities. Smith needs money, Cudgel needs a human test subject, they meet each other somehow. Cudgel tells smith that if he lets cudgel give him superpowers, cudgel will give him loads of cold hard cash. Being a very stupid man, Smith accepts and asks for Super strength and Flight, because Brian had told him they are the most sought-after powers. The test was a success and Smith is now a living superhero. While Smith begins to do typical superhero jobs to attract brian’s attention, cudgel develops his machine further. Soon, cudgel acquires powers through the machine. Now, Smith has to face his greatest enemy cudgel and the only one he ever cared for, brian, who is now under cudgel.
(2) In the distant future, the greatest minds of earth estimate that earth will be destroyed somehow in just a few years. They send the three greatest astronauts on a long space journey. They must travel across galaxies and find a planet with the exact conditions as earth and help colonize it before earth’s destruction. But the earth is destroyed very soon and the three astronauts are the only survivors. They find a planet suitable for living. With the planet as base and with advanced technology, the heroes go on a search for a legendary alien. According to legend, the death of this alien will create a time rift. So, they plan to find and kill the alien to go back in time and save earth.
@Avi Arun, they’re both really good original concepts I think, but only as novels. The second one would be a lot longer than the first one I imagine. I do like them, so please try making something out of them and I would love to read what you came up with.
Could I have my own review forum? I really need some criticism and advice for an idea I have for a comic book.
Hi, Ham. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Hey, guys. Can I have a forum?
So help is needed. Thanks!
I just love this site and I’d like to share some of my stuff with you guys. Especially since my superhero novel was a NaNo work and is only half done and I don’t know what to do with it
Hello, Becca. I’ve set one up for you here.
Hey everyone,
I’ve been making up my own superhero stories since I was 10. Needless to say I have a wealth of stories, some (mostly my older stories) have had to be re-written so I would like a review forum to see how my stories test out.
Welcome, Troy. I’ve set up a forum for you here.
I am currently TRYING to write a superhero story but I’m getting nowhere fast. In my first chapter, my main character is still human; his powers show up at the end of the chapter. Is this a good starting point? Thank for reading this.
One chapter might be enough to introduce the character before he gets powers. If I were doing a novelization of Batman or Spiderman or the Fantastic Four, I suspect it would take several chapters, but one could be enough.
I think the most important thing is that the first chapter introduce a hero that we will care about. If the character is gripping, it doesn’t matter whether the origin story spans one chapter or four.
B. Mac, I’m scared. I’ve been in manic writer mode for about a week now. I’m scared that I’m working to fast to be thinking of quality work. Is this normal? is the good? What should I do?
I think it’s good… really good. The more material you have, the more you have to rewrite into a masterpiece. Don’t worry about quality! That comes later.
Also, if you know more about the direction the series will take, your synopsis will probably sound more compelling.
Good, I thought I was just spewing out stuff that wasn’t worth anything.
It would be wicked sweet if I could get a review forum of my own. In the ‘How to Write Origins’ section my concept–which is actually in production–has been stated.
Detroit. Mafia. Gang bust. Ice powers. Self-doubting hero. There is my 5-second summary of my summary in the origins section.
Thanks for taking the time and considering this.
And even if you don’t, I will write on!
I’m sure B.Mac will have one up for you in no time. You can post as much or as little material as you like on your review forum. I had a look at your concept over at the origins page and it sounds pretty intriguing. I’m interested to see what you can do with that concept if you flesh it out a little.
I’ve set a review forum up for you here. Good luck.
Hey thanks Stefan and B. Mac.
But one thing…I clicked the link you gave me and all that came up was “Sorry, no posts matched your criteria.”
What should I do? Or is this normal?
I think the link is broken. As of now I’d recommend you save your forum on your favorites so you don’t lose it.
Also, welcome to the site. It’s always nice to see new writers. I’m Ragged Boy.
Ok, that’s good to know. And I’ve thought ahead about saving the link, I just didn’t know if it would work once repaired if I saved a bad link.
Oh, and nice to meet you.
Is the guy trying to sell me a house? Or shingles?
He’s trying to sell you a translator. ;D
I know that my story’s probably not that good but I would like a review. Do you help do rewrites?
Hello, Clay. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Yeah, we help with rewrites.
Hello Clay,
First, welcome. Second, please please please don’t be one of those newbies who posts only the beginning of a really intriguing story. I don’t work well under suspense.
Write (right) on!
- Wings
Hey, that’s a pretty good catchphrase for an author. Write on! Mind if I steal that?
Hullo B.Mac. Could I get a review forum set up?
Much appreciated.
Hi, Burnsauce. I’ve set one up for you here. Good luck.
Ah, B.Mac…
Just wondering: Could you perhaps reorder the review forums? Since so many newbies vanished into the distance (I think I do a rather good job at keeping my forum updated, ban or no ban).
I mean, so many people just stopped posting and some have empty forums still.
Don’t mean to be a bother,
- Wings
Hey, who am I supposed to ask for a review forum. Can I please have one?
Hola, Psycho Child. Welcome back. I remeber you posted here before.
B. Mac should be able to make a forum soon.
Hello, Psycho. I’ve set one up for you here.
Thanks, B. Mac.
Hey,I requested a forum on Call’s forum, which I’ve realised is kind of bad form [sorry Call].Since here is politer and more likely to be noticed sooner rather than later, may i please have a review forum?
Sure, Sandman. I’ve set one up for you here.
Thanks. If it’s not too much trouble could you put a link to it up top with yours, ragged boy’s, and call of cthullu’s forum links. Or is there a reason I don’t have one, like a waiting list or something?
Oh, i’ve got one there now. Thanks man, more people will see it now. Sound
Hate to be a bother but could you put “Working on a novel about an invisible hero” up above and on my forum in place of ‘see comments below. Thanks’ on my forum? Thank you in advance. And at the risk of sounding whiny, could someone check out my forum? I don’t think anyone has since Mr. Brit and I’ve got a heap of new stuff up. I solemly swear that I won’t be one of those guys who just fade to black after a few posts
Found this sight this last weekend and am amazed. B. Mac, I congratulate you on this very well maintained website with amazing content, which is almost all well written, concise, humorous, and informative.
I’ve been looking for some place get get my work beta reviewed, and this place sounds like a great place to do that. Consider this my official review forum request.
Blurb: “Primarily working on a series of science-fiction novels set after the destruction of Earth. The story follows an uncle, his orphaned nephew whom he has adopted and their ship’s artificial intelligence as they are sucked into political machinations of the post-Earth governments and soon into events that threaten what remains of the human race.”
Hello, JM. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Hi, I’d like an account. Currently, I’m working on a superhero story about an organization of superheroes, like X-Men meets G.I. Joe. For now, I’m naming it “Project Hero”. Any other title suggestions are welcome.
Hi, could I get a review forum set up? I am working on a super hero story called Nightwatcher, and I would love for people to review it.
Hi, Black Cat! I’m the ReTARDISed Whovian, but most people call me RW or Whovian. B. Mac will probably set up a review forum for you soon.
Hi, ShardReaper! There aren’t really accounts here, we just post comments with bits of our work in them to get opinions. We each have a review forum, so that’s probably what you meant. B. Mac will probably set one up for you soon.
Thanks!
Okay thanks RW.
Hello, Black Cat. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Hey ShardReaper [nice name by the way] I’m Sandman. I’m sure B. Mac [he's the main man around here] will set a forum up for you soon. Anyway, welcome to Superhero Nation, look forward to reviewing your story man.
hey guys, be sure to check out my review forum – i’m desperate for some feedback on my character’s origin.
Hi, ShardReaper. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Question: do all of the stories have to be about superheroes?
Awesome! Can I have another review forum, for a fantasy novel called DemonSlayer Kai?
Ok, I’ve set up a second review forum for you here.
However, I would recommend picking one story and sticking with it. Writing a novel requires a tremendous amount of time… probably at least a year for a first-timer, usually 2+. Having two projects going at once will probably distract you. “Those that chase two rabbits catch neither.” Anyway, I leave that to you.
So I need help developing characters, and I’d like some cruel criticism.
Okay, so a few of my characters are not necessarily psychopathic…or at least, they don’t think they are because their cultures accepts their actions as normal(well, sometimes). However, I think I made them more effed up than they are supposed to be. Help, please?
For example:
Domovoi: Has the ability to shapeshift in a flock of carnivorous birds, which usually tears up hostile enemies to shredded pieces of flesh. As a result, he becomes a closet cannibal. Other than that, he’s a hardcore utilitarianist(the culture he grows up in promotes this philosophical theorem strongly), selfless, and highly patient when it comes to my next character…
Kir: A parasite that has invaded the brain of a female human host. Parasite Kir is at a critical stage in learning, in which she has to adapt to the host’s environment. However, similar to how babies use their mouths to identify objects and textures, Kir follows the same route. Somewhat awkward when she tends to put bladed objects in her mouth, or lick walls, or at least anything that comes into her interest. Considering that Kir’s host is in her late teens, and yet she has the mental capability of a 2 year old. As a parasite, she has no basis for good and evil, but she is willing to learn more about the human condition. Not necessarily a retardation, just trying to learn about her surroundings.
Some feedback would be nice, I’m unsure about the ‘putting foreign objects in one’s mouth’…because if you’re just as perverted as me, you’d be thinking about that too…
Kai is my first it’s over 200 pages and has taken over a year to write, Nightwatcher was something I just wrote after watching X-men and spider-man. I thought this was a place for only superhero stories.
Hello, Notsohottopic.
The characters might not be regarded as psychopathic within their own cultures, but I suspect that readers would be really put off by their oddities. In particular, I think the cannibalism, shredding enemy flesh, licking walls and other sexual undertones, and the 2-year-old mental capacity will make it really hard to like the characters. I think that having odd characters can be effective, but these characters strike me as unpleasantly weird or creepy.
In place of the more gruesome stuff, I’d recommend playing up the utilitarian angle for Domovoi. Being really utilitarian can give him a distinct personality with a bit of an edge to it, but he probably won’t come off as freaky. (Freaky characters scare away publishers).
With Kir, I’d recommend cutting out the sexual undertones. Using one’s mouth as a learning device would be beyond creepy even if the character didn’t have the mind of a two-year-old. At the very least, I’d replace the mouth with hands because kids use their hands too and it’s less sexual. Also, this is probably a book for adults that like edgy fare, but a character with the mind of a child is probably going to radiate cuteness. Cuteness is like kryptonite to old readers.
Retarded characters in general are a really hard sell. (I have an article about making mental disorders work here). My guess is that Kir probably needs an overhaul. In the context of this story, I don’t feel optimistic that a retarded/child-minded protagonist could work.
“I thought this was a place for only superhero stories.” I use a lot of superhero-specific examples, but probably 80% or 90% of my advice applies applies across the board. For example, if the main character isn’t likable, you’re screwed whether or not it’s a superhero story.
However, as you might imagine, most of the readers are more likely to be interested in superhero stories than in any other kind of story. So you might find it a bit harder to get reviewers for a standard fantasy work. You could also try a generic writing workshop like Critters; they have a larger contingent of fantasy reviewers than we do.
I figured, but I really like this website because people actually read and tell you what is wrong and help you make the story better. Other places just say your doing a good job keep it up, which is nice but not very helpful. Any help on my other story is great even if it’s only a few
“Other places just say ‘you’re doing a good job, keep it up,’ which is nice but not very helpful.”
Fan fiction sites are particularly bad at giving useful advice. The world of professional (paid) publishing is so much more cutthroat than fan-fiction that it’s not even funny… fan-fic sites reject 0% of submissions and professional publishers reject more than 99%.
I’d like a review forum! I’d love to hear what people think on the novel I’m starting. It might suck, but hey, that’s what you guys are for. LOL!
Hello, Brian. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck.
Hi,
I’d like a review forum, please. It’s for a novel I’m trying to write, the idea of which I got from a dream. I need help with (especially) the superhuman powers.
I guess, looking at the post by Brian, I should post my story ideas in the review forum…
Sorry if I’m doing something wrong here!
-FarawaySoul
Welcome to Superhero Nation, Faraway! B. Mac will make you a review forum as soon as he can.
Hello, FarawaySoul. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
Hello again, B. Mac!
“Candy Land” is a bit more cohesive, so I actually might be able to answer questions properly this time.
I’m sorry to ask, but I was wondering if I could have a second review forum, please? Everybody’s feedback on my “Do Tell, Trinket” story was really helpful, but I ended up applying more of the advice to a completely different story.
After working hard on character development for “Candy Land” with my sister, I really wanted to get some characters and ideas reviewed.
I’d appreciate if they would be differentiated like this…
Trollitrade – “Do Tell Trinket”
Trollitrade – “Candy Land”
Instead of just saying Trollitrade1 and Trollitrade2? Thank you so much!
Here it is, Trollitrade. As for adding it to the list, I don’t like editing B. Mac’s posts, so he’ll have to do that one himself.
Oh! Thank you, Marissa!
I didn’t know you had the “powers of review forum creation”.
Actually, now that I look at it, the names of the review forums aren’t just arbitrarily put on that list, are they?
My original one isn’t up there, so probably it means I haven’t been active enough or contributed enough yet to be added to the list.
If that’s the case, then nevermind about the list thingy.
Actually, it’s a power she just got, along with a couple of others (myself included).
When I click on the link, it says “sorry, no posts match your criteria”.
Does that mean it’s still processing?
And ah, I see!
I’ve been noticing articles about “guest writers” and stuff, so are you and Marissa and some others now “assistant admins” for the site?
Was up folks. I’ve been looking for a good web site for some feedback on a story I’m working on (dealing with the superhero concept, of course
) Any rate, I’ve stumbled across this and I’m glad I have. It really looks like a great place and I hope I can contribute something.
As such, I need a review forum, please. Much obliged.
Brief Blurb: “I’m working on a superhero novel called The Black Maverick, a story of a young man who is given a gift he doesn’t rightly know how to use. Even with the help of allies, he makes enemies far more ruthless then he. Can he help save his city from the onslaught of his enemies or will he fall to the temptations that come with his powers?”
That’s basically it. Any comments are more than welcome.
Oh, apparently all posts run through B. Mac’s approval before they go up. I might as well leave it to B. Mac, then, since making them myself won’t get it to you any faster.
I’m sure he’ll either approve it or remake it soon, though, so don’t worry.
And we’re volunteer moderators, plus I (as well as a couple of others, though theirs aren’t up yet) write a few articles.
That’s alright, Marissa.
Thank you for giving it a try!
That’s cool that you guys are volunteer moderators and article writers!
I’m looking forward to the article about writing good female characters.
I had a lot of fun ranting and raving about character traits.
Hello, Trek Fan. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Trollitrade, Marissa’s link should work now.
Much obliged B. Mac. Thanks for the forum.
I sort of stopped putting names on the short list on the side-bar because very, very few readers actually use that list. The vast majority of traffic to the review forums is driven by “Recent Comments,” which is entirely determined by whether you’ve posted something recently. The long list of Review Forums is a distant second.
Oh, hey, Marissa. And other moderators! If you’d like to set up a review forum for someone, I’ve set up some blank ones that have already been published. They can be renamed as necessary.
http://www.superheronation.com/2009/07/13/blank-review-forum-1
http://www.superheronation.com/2009/07/13/blank-review-forum-2
http://www.superheronation.com/2009/07/13/blank-review-forum-3
Yay! Thank you, B. Mac.
And that all makes sense, ’cause I almost always navigate to topics using the recent activity section.
I am writing a superhero novel about a teen and his friends (it’s more interesting than it sounds). I am just in the beginning process of actually writing it and thought a review forum would be very helpful. I love Superhero Nation and everybody’s awesome articles. Thanks!
Hello, Jackie. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
I am trying to write an action novel about 5 characters aquiring super powers and how in the end they try to stop the end of humanity. I have written 10 chapters so far and would like a review forum to know if I should continue.
PS: English is not my first Language and I write the story in the present tense to make the readers live the action.
Hello, BrainStormer. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
I’ll leave it up to you, but I’d recommend using past tense because it’s more conventional and easier to publish.
Thanx B. Mac
Hey B Mac, could you set up another review forum for me? I’d like some feedback on a new concept for a sci-fi comic. Thanks.
I just stumbled onto your website, yay! I am about to embark on the big ol’ Graphic Novel creation train and I have never made this trip.
Can you set me up a review thread so I can get some help with my story?
(shortest synopsis ever)
My story is about a supernatural entity that begins to assemble a small team of heroes(3) for an unknown reason. One sorceress,one brute warrior type, and cybernetic genius.
Thanks, I hope I did this right
Hello, CarsonArtist. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
Eren, I’ve set up a second review forum for you here. Thanks for waiting!
Thanks, pal.
Thanks! I posted up chap 1~ wow, I havent read it straight through in over a year…mixed feelings.
So I was thinking of how I could help the most here, since Im amasking for help myself…. I dont know anything about writing really so here is some things I CAN help with.
I can help with how to self publish with your own publishing company, get unique ISBN’s for your personalized publishing house and how to set it all up so Amazon dot com can carry your work. I also know several Indy printshops.
I am a professional artist and can help with art related questions in traditional or digital media.
I also know quite a bit about the occult and mythology.
Hopefully somewhere in there, I can provide some assistance in one of those areas.
my chapter 1 is up, chapter 2 will go up once I get some help with chapter 1 – I dont want to make the posts so long that noone wants to read it and I dont want to have to try and work on two chapters at a time….is that cool?
Oh I almost forgot- can I post up concept art for it in my review forum somehow?
Hey, CarsonArtist, I noticed in your post you said you were a professional artist…
So I’ve been looking for a artist to draw my superhero comic for a little over two years now. Is there any chance you could draw my comic and not charge me for the art hehe pretty please? May as well try my luck, I’m desperate and out of options XD. I was going to get my friend to do it but he’s currently recovering from a really bad car crash so that’s not an option for me. And I just don’t have the money to pay freelance artists hundreds of £££ (yeah I’m a Brit). So I’ve had these comic scripts sitting on my laptop for like two years without anyone to draw them for me. It sucks.
I got told by someone that I should just send a few of my scripts to an independant publisher and see if they would draw it for me. But I dunno about that. I’m just doing it for my own personal entertainment – If I can get it published then great but if not, It doesn’t bother me too much, though I’ll admit the prospect of getting my very own comic published is a attractive one. But the main thing for me is seeing my words and visual descriptions come to life in a comic book.
Though I’d love to hear your advice on self-publishing a comic book.
Thanks. Eren.
Oh Boy… I hate to be negative but unless your work is absolutely outstanding, it will be hard to find a free artist. I can offer tons of advice but for now,I’m all full up on work.
Currently my work load looks like this:
Concept art for Starwars: Rise of the Sith (video game)
Solo art show at the end of the year needs 5-7 more pieces finished
writing and illustrating my own Graphic Novel
Cover art for a new Roger Corman movie ( you can IMDB him)
“Secret Agent” entry for art competition ( Bigtime prizes I could really use like a kick ass art computer 10x more powerful than what I have)
So as you can see Im really full. I doubt I can take on any new projects until after the Solo show at the end of the year- so probably 2010, lol.
IF I have a ton of time in 2010, I could do it for cheap but not free. I just dont do much work for free anymore, like I said, unless its a real awesome opportunity.
As far as self publishing goes, I would have to write a whole deal to explain the ins and outs. I will do that for all of you to use very soon. Maybe B.Mac could post it as an article?
lololol yeah I guess it has to be pretty amazing to be drawn for free. Like I said I am all out of options and I’m desperate – it frustrating having these cool stories you wanna tell but no one to bring them to life with. The money I make isn’t nearly enough to pay for an artist. So I guess I will just have wait for my friend to recover… damn.
Naw, you don’t sound negative at all, I was just trying my luck lol had no idea you had all these high profile projects on your plate like the Star Wars video game. So you’ve been around in the comic art business for a while haven’t you? From the sounds of it anyway…
Hopefully, one day soon I can get my scripts brought to life. Thanks for the reply.
Do you at least know anyone who draws for cheap and whose workload is free at the moment?
I feel like such a douche for asking that question about drawing for free lol
even though I knew the answer
I havent been into the comic industry at all…. I was in publishing for awhile though.I worked freelance for Thompson learning and Prima tech Game division(for game guides and tech titles) I did run a small publishing company for about a year called Flaming Tome. I collected comics through most of the eighties, almost all marvel titles. I got into Spawn for about the first 20 issues. I was a big time roleplayer for about 12-13 years or so.
The Starwars game is artwork I decided to do for free, as long as I got name credit. I designed the main characters ship in the game so far. They may have me do new blaster rifles, not sure yet.
The Movie poster/cover art is a job that is being fielded by several artists, but only one will get the deal for the cover…..I hope I get it. It pays crap but if I get chosen for the cover that will be huge for my career.
My solo show will be in Dallas TX sometime at the end of the year, it is a show of all fantasy art, mainly magical people/beings. I have about 5 pieces done so far, I started sometime in June. So far, I have a picture of
Lilith 22×30″
Forest witch 16×20″
Astral Dreamer 16×20″
The Immortal 24×48″
Sea Sorceress 24×48″
Im working on my Secret agent entry as we speak….
If you are looking for free work, I would suggest a place called Concept Art – has a forum for hiring free artists – here is the link straight there!
http://conceptart.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=12
I hope this helps – and does anyone know how to post a pic on here , I tried some image code(html) and it didnt work…..
LOL- no people ask me for free work all the time, its cool – no douche-iness at all
Thanks, very much appreciated. I’ll check that website out now.
What I meant about my question, if you’ve been in the comic art business for a while is – how long have you been doing freelance art for? whether it is for comics or concept art for video games or movie posters etc I mean generally as an artist. You sound like you’re a bit of veteran in your field or else you wouldn’t be working on high-profile video games like Star Wars or worked on a fan favourite comic like Spawn. Anyways, good luck on that movie poster – I hope you get it
Thanks again.
Regarding posting pics here, I’m not sure – I don’t think you can. I’ve never seen anyone post any pics before or even B Mac himself. He’s the person to ask though since he runs the website.
nono,lol, I just meant I collected spawn when I said I “got into it” – I dont want to make false claims.
I have been an gallery artist for about 20 years(first gallery show at 16), I did freelance in publishing for about 3 years and I only started doing videogame art and stuff last year. Im 36 and just starting out in videogames and cover art/ concept art so Im pretty unknown.
I used to only do gallery artwork until I became disabled and couldnt paint anymore due to muscle cramps and spasms which made it too painful. I started learning digital art so I could keep creating. Now 5 years later, I can paint again after teaching my hands to paint all over again. Im still disabled, but I get to paint all day now
Ill just make a website to direct people to regarding the graphic novel artwork, it seems you can make links ok so I’ll make it work.
oh lol ok, didn’t read that bit properly but working on the concept art for a star wars video game is pretty big. Glad to hear you can still paint everyday
must have been very hard for you.
Also, regarding that website you gave me the link to… shall I post a topic about my comic book on the “Non-Paying Job Listings” section? since I’m asking for a comic to be drawn for free afterall… Just wanna make sure I post in the right place.
Thanks. Eren.
Yup.
Just look at some of the other listings etc. if you wanna know how to write yours up. This is where I got the starwars concept art gig. Like I said, Im not being paid for it except in name credit.
Good Luck !
If you have it on DeviantArt or another service that allows for embedding, a moderator can post the link. However, for security reasons, this site doesn’t allow guests to post pictures themselves. Just indicate to a moderator what you’d like to link to and we can embed it for you.
I’m gonna need a review forum, just to start off with. I’m not gonna use it after say, chapter 5 or so. Is that okay?
Hello, Polaris. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Feel free to use it for as many/few chapters as you’d like. Good luck!
If it isn’t terribly bothersome, I’d like to request a review forum for my superhero graphic novel, which is currently untitled. I know that is quite a terrible name, but I’m actively working to think of a better one.
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck!
I finally have a solid idea of what I want to write about. And if it isn’t too much trouble, I could very much use a review forum.
By the way, is it OK if the villain of your story is overpowered?
SVT, I’ve set one up for you here.
Overpowered villains are usually acceptable. That just creates a larger obstacle for the hero to overcome, which is dramatic. In contrast, an overpowered hero is less interesting because his obstacles are too small. Who wants to root for Goliath?
Hey, B. Mac, I have been working on a story for a few years now and I would like to get a review forum. Thanks, Ghost
Hello, Ghost. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
hey B. Mac,
Don’t suppose you could give the draft of my prolouge a once over. I posted it on my forum
B. Mac, could I trouble you to please replace the Wings 2 forum summary with the below summary?
This forum is where I work on Darkstar Rising, another superhero novel about a rogue superhuman who works for both good and evil, a superhero team without a leader, a group of villains that is not what it seems, and a mastermind who seeks to rid the world of them all. I may also discuss my other, future, works here.
Thanks!
- Wings
Wings, B. Mac isn’t going to be around much right away thanks to his moving, but I’ll see if I can change that for you.
EDIT: Yeah, I changed it both places. Enjoy!
Thanks for taking care of that, Marissa.
Hi there everyone,
I’ve been reading this website a lot over the past couple of days, and it’s been really helpful. I have yet to come close to getting anything published, but my sixth grade teacher asked for a signed copy of my essay, so that says something…
Right?
Anyway, can I please get a review forum set up for me? I saw that some comic book publishers were accepting submissions, and it set my creative mind in gear. I’m currently working on a world where superheroes are barely emerging into the public eye, and since I have very little writing experience aside from the occasional creative writing assignment in school, I figured it’d be really helpful if I could get some feedback.
Thanks,
Fox
Hello, Fox. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. However, I’ve got to caution you that it would be unfathomably difficult to get published in middle school. If you’re subject to US labor laws, I’m not even sure if it’d be legal. Nonetheless, I think it’d be worthwhile to develop a story– that will probably make your life easier when you are a bit older.
Was it that clear that I’m young? Haha.
Yeah, it’s going to be difficult, but one can dream, right? Christopher Paloni (not sure on the spelling) had Eragon published when he was sixteen, so, while improbable, it’s possible.
Thanks for setting up a review forum.
You said ‘my sixth grade teacher’, which was probably a big hint. ;D
Eragon’s an interesting example since he was first self-publishing (using his parent’s company… no comment…) and didn’t get professionally published until much later when a publishing company saw his books were selling well. So don’t try to pin your hopes on being the next Paolini.
Great, someone younger than me!
Lovely to meet you, I’m sure. I’m Wings, future Californian writer with at least three future books thanks to this website.
Tom’s right, Fox – for one, Eragon wasn’t necessarily well-written and was published Paolini’s parents. So unless your parents own a major publishing company, this might not happen.
What are your other ideas? In the future, one of my books also features heroes returning to the world – perhaps I can be of use.
And yes, your teacher asking for a signed essay counts. Heck, I first got into writing when my sixth grade teacher sent one of my poems to a contest.
Keep writing, start posting, and bring me cookies,
- Wings
Hello, Fox. As noted before, Paolini had a lot of parental support to attempt self-publishing. Unless your parents are ready and able to blow tens of thousands of dollars on this, I think it would be more realistic to get published after 18. However, it wouldn’t really cost you more than postage to send off manuscripts as soon as you feel you’re ready (whether you’ve reached 18 or not). The good news is that your writing strikes me as pretty easy to read and clean, so your manuscript might survive the revelation that you’re a minor*. Who knows.
*Novel publishers typically require a roughly page-long authorial bio. If you’re doing a novel, it would be extremely difficult for you to hide your age and, frankly, your age is so exceptional that I’d recommend putting it front-and-center. In contrast, the age of a comic book writer would come out later in the submission process…
It’s a pleasure to meet you all, first off.
Marissa: … Good point, haha.
Tom: Wow, I didn’t know that he self-published Eragon… I thought he just submitted the manuscript to a publisher, and he was accepted. I’m not a big fan of Eragon, anyway, so that was probably a poor thing to say. Just goes to show that anybody can net success.
Wings: My other ideas? At the moment, for separate stories, I really don’t have any. I have been so scatterbrained lately that things such as writing have taken a back seat to school, soccer, and friends.
B. Mac: Unless my parents magically win the lottery, I agree that self-publishing is pretty far-fetched. Just curious, but why is age such a big factor in getting published? Is it the idea that adults are more responsible than minors, or is it that adults tend to be more professional? Or am I missing the mark?
A few things. First, publishers reject ~99% of submissions (more than 99.9% at the most competitive publishers). They are looking for literally any reason to toss manuscripts, even a suspicion of incompetence. So being very young might push you in the vast rejection pile. The presumption is that a really young author has less exposure to the field, less writing experience, less life experience, hasn’t yet developed a unique style, will more likely produce cliche and shallow stories, etc. It’s harder for a young author to produce something new and fresh because he hasn’t spent as many years getting used to what is conventional and stale in his field.
Also, most young authors have a really shaky grasp on grammar, spelling and punctuation. Mercifully, you’re really solid on those fronts.
Hopefully this doesn’t scare you from the idea of getting published early. But you should know that young authors have to overcome especially tough obstacles. At the very least, I think you’d have to impress a literary agent, and that requires an excellent proposal.
Oh–welcome, Fox.
And other people.
I forgot this was here … anyhow, this is a great site for helping you improve your writing in general as well as learning how to write a superhero story and/or superhero comic. And B.Mac & Co. are unprofessionally professional so it’s nice. (Or is it professionally unprofessional? Or neither? I’ll get back to you on that).
…
in other words, he doesn’t bite.
B. Mac: … Wow. That’s really all I can say. I guess that’s quite few more hurdles I have to jump over. I try to at least seem professional, and many that I’ve talked to overestimate my age, online and off. Thank you very much for the info.
Luna Jamnia: Thanks for the welcome.
I came on here expecting to have my head bitten off within the first day or so… The internet’s a scary place, you know.
Fox, from what I understand, Paolini started writing Eragon when he was 15 (right after he finished high school, by the way). It took him three years to write and edit before his parents published the book for him.
Fox, I’m sorry you’ve had (by the ‘sound’ of it, anyway) some bad experiences surfin’ the web and checking out sites. For the most part, I’ve found it to be alright … but only when I stick to websites which cater to my interests (books, photography, writing how-to sites, blogger, etc.).
So I suppose if I were to venture to a website dedicated to things and interests outside of my knowledge, yes, I’d probably get my head bitten off. There ARE all kinds of people on the interwebz, I must agree with you on that.
Hi all,
New to the forum, just thought I’d introduce myself
Hey everyone! I went looking for sites to help me with my writing and came across this one. I really like what I see here in terms of constructive criticisms, advice, and other details I knew nothing about before coming here. I would really like a review forum to get feedback on what I am writing, and some on a concept I just came up with.
For those interested, my current work revolves around a young man who has become the “Champion of Heaven” Paladin. He gains his powers from six souls trapped within his sword, each a former Paladin. Each soul provides one power and Paladin can only use one power at a time until he develops his own power.
As for my concept, there is an intergalactic war going on the people of Earth know nothing about. However, that does not stop various factions from trying to recruit humans into their war efforts. Most are found unsuitable for the demands and sent back where they are mocked or deemed insane. A few make it through the screening and gain powers as they are genetically manipulated to better withstand the rigors of war. This story would follow 4-5 people as they come together during training and go off to fight battles. These are not the first humans so recruited, the previous team having betrayed the “good” guys, so this new batch will not only have to overcome being uprooted and thrust into a situation totally unfamiliar to them, but also the fact that most of the other species distrust, if not openly despise, humans.
Anyway, I would be interested in feedback. Thanks!
I’ve set up a review forum for you here, jmilb. Good luck!
As far as what you have so far…
–I like that they have to overcome the obstacle of distrust after the previous group of humans turned traitor. However, what’s the rationale for trying to recruit humans again after trying it once worked out so poorly?
–4-5 characters with one lead strikes me as workable. However, why will the lead be interesting? What’s his personality like?
–This sounds like science fiction (interplanetary travel, alien species, etc). But some of the terminology (Paladin, Champion of Heaven) and weaponry (swords powered by souls) feel more like fantasy. Mixing the two might limit the appeal to publishers– there are a few published works that combine SF and fantasy, but not many. Or perhaps you could hide the fantasy elements a bit more– for example, Star Wars had swords and magic but managed to give them a sci-fi feel.
Sorry. I might have been unclear. Paladin is a different work than the one with interplanetary travel and aliens. I am trying to keep Paladin more along fantasy lines, while the other will be more along the sci-fi/superhero lines.
As for the rationale behind recruiting humans again (and this is just an idea, I’m still formulating it in my mind), I was thinking that these recruits also serve as a microcosm of humanity in general. The war is going badly and the council wants to bring Earth in fully (we are a warlike species). So at various stages in history they bring a batch of humans in not only for a team, but to see how humanity as progressed as a species. They are not the first humans recruited, but they just might be the one that allows the interplanetary council to see that humanity might be ready to know the truth.
B. Mac, will you please set me up a review forum? I’ve got a story (which I want to expand into a novel) which I’d like to hear some feedback on.
Short:
Little Green Men attack the Earth, wielding the most devastating weapon known to Galactic Science, the weapon that has no known counter or defense: THE DEATH RAY! Turns out, humans are immune. Oops! Can a small-town call center employee and the most terrifying living creature in the Galaxy (or, if you mind your manners, a firm but fair old lady) save the Earth from certain doom (if, by doom, you mean massive property damage and extensive inconvenience)?
(I just realized how long even my short is. Is your shorts as big as mine?)
Long:
An ancient, decadent, bureaucratic galactic empire discovers that due to a clerical error, the planet Earth was never cataloged. They discover that barely evolved savages live on the planet and send an invasion fleet to bring the benefits of civilization to their poor, backward cousins. When a small troop transport assigned to assimilate a sparsely populated region stumbles across our hero, Kristof Bailey, who is on an epic quest to acquire the holiest of holies (a fried pocket pie from the local late night convenience store) and is in NO WAY drunk, the crew discovers to their horror that the most powerful weapon known to Galactic science is useless against the terrifying natives of this world. Immediately after this, Kristof discovers that four foot tall little green men are easy to beat in a fight when you take away their death ray and use it on them. Can our hero secure his late night snack in the middle of an interplanetary war? Can the aliens stand up to the might of an old lady who doesn’t tolerate bad behavior in her establishment? Will someone actually pay me to write this trope-loving crapfest? Or will the inevitable alternate conclusion that never happens in these summaries actually happen this time…
Yes, I use parentheticals like a short girl with inner ear damage uses high heels (often and at high risk to my future).
I would like to request a review forum. I am currently working on a superhero project on and off and feel a forum would be a great place to post notes on my idea. I think it would make me feel even more accountable and just reading other people’s ideas makes me want to work on it more and more.
Okay, I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
Hi B Mac I love your site. It’s the Best.
I was hoping that you could set up a forum for me. What do I need to do?
I would like the forum for a comic book I started working on after finding Superhero Nation. The name of the comic is Enigma. A secret group of powerful people hunting anyone with supernatural or superhuman powers to use as weapons. This secret group wants to control the world through any means available, they don’t care if it is ecomonic, political, war, innovation, or terror. They don’t work for any government, but may if is to their advantage they will work with a government. They use anybody and everybody to move toward their goals. Their present goal is to hunt down six people, who they want to use as human weapons against anyone that gets in their way. Those people are Michael Powers, Lisa Myers, Kevin Becker, Naketa Brood, Peter Schultz, and one as yet unnamed person. I have started work on some of the main characters. As always the secret group stays in the shadows. tell me what you think.
(Here is Lisa Myers)
With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.
Her mind raced how could he have found her she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.
She could hear him screaming to her to come back. Mind racing though her thoughts and also trying to comprehend all of it she looked around frantic.
Garbage was strewn across the cold darkened ally; it smelled of rotten fish and salad dressing. She ran further into the ally and quickly ran behind a Dumpster. She hit the brick wall and cut her left arm on the Dumpster.
Hissing softly she grabbed her arm and slid down the side of the wall and grabbed her knees. She tried to steady her breathing. “LISA!” He yelled.
She could hear him running down the ally. She needed to find a way out.“Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”. “No” her mind said just stay here. The air seemed to thicken and every thing seemed to close around her. He slammed the Dumpster, he was right next to her. She closed her eyes and hoped to god that he wouldn’t find her.
Her heart pounded so hard in her ears it drowned out the traffic on the street.
It pounded so loud she could swear he heard it. “Ah LISA, There you are” he chuckled softly. Her heart skipped a beat “No” she said softly. He had found her. This was it she was never going to see light again! He snorted “you pathetic little bitch Get UP!” He grabbed her by her arm and stood her up to standing position. She flinched and tried to burry her face, and not look at him, wishing she could be any one but her. “Click Click” it was the gun, no this wasn’t happening she thought. She looked up into a gun and her heart dropped, she felt fear in the pit of her stomach. “look at me!” he growled and grabbed her head and forced it up. She swallowed “I can’t if you have that gun in my face!” she said in a harsh whisper. He chuckled “well you finally talking to me ain’t you” He drawled. “well” he moved the gun and held it under her chin. She looked him in the eyes and he sneered. Lisa began thinking back how it all started.
Rays of light shined on Lisa’s face; slowly she opened her iced blue colored eyes and it was a sunny day. She looked around to glance at the clock radio for the time, “Its 7:45 oh shit I’m late for first period!” Lisa exclaimed angrily jumping out of bed and reaching for her clothes that she picked up last night in case something like that would happen, after she slipped into a black slipknot shirt and tight emo pants, she ran into the bathroom and brushed her teeth and combed her hair and ran out to the living room downstairs, and out the door. Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B”. She raced his mom to her truck because it was ten minutes until 8:00 and class started at 8:05 and they still had to pick up her friend Nicole Nickeson, she was one of Lisa’s best friends in the world, and she had asked her mom a long time if they could give Nicole a ride to school every day. When the blue Toyota Tacoma pulled up at Nicole’s drive way, Nicole was already outside and ready to go, she climbed in and greeted them happily and asked what took them so long, Lisa explained to her what happened. “My stupid clock radio was unplugged and my alarm didn’t go off to wake me.” She said still pretty pissed at himself because she unplugged it so she could plug in her laptop, so it could recharge as she typed her essay for U.S History class. When they pulled over at the school’s student parking lot Lisa’s cell phone vibrated and she flipped opened it to see what was up and she saw on the little screen that she had received a text message from her boyfriend Barrett Finch. Who had by the way been a senior at the time, they were a couple for about two months. Barrett was a well build guy, he had light brown hair and nice pretty brown eyes that caught Lisa’s attention, but it wasn’t all about looks, the thing that caught Lisa in Barrett’s spell was his personality, she loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers. Where they met was at their period class, they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured, she walked to the side of the rail and saw Barrett playing with the baby of one of the women that were measuring them. She liked how he made the baby laugh and they way that he laugh with joy also, she could see that some day Barrett was going to be a good father and she’d liked to see his child grow up. From that moment she realized that he loved him right then.
She read the text message in her mind slowly so she wouldn’t miss a single word, it said “Hey where are you? School is going to start any minute!” Lisa replied to the message saying that she was already at the student parking lot. And that she should meet him there since they both had U.S History together. After they got out of the car and said goodbye to her mom, they waited for Barrett at the student parking lot which it was crowded by cars. “Lisa!” Someone yelled out her name and Lisa turned and saw Barrett sort of jogging towards her and Nicole. “Hey.” Louis hugged her warmly, “Hi Nicole.” He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug. “Hi,” She greeted back “you guys are such a cute couple” she smiled. They walked out the parking lot and went on the school’s quad where all the kids would hang out before school started. “Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?” Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded, “Okay, see you guys later.” She excused herself and made her way to the library after Maribel Garcia. “Finally I got you all to myself.” Lisa said smiling at Barrett as he had a smile across his face too. “Oh really? Are you planning on seducing me?” Barrett teased as pulled Lisa closer to him. “Only if you promise to seduce me first.” Lisa answered him sexually. “Oh I will.” Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step. As they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung letting the student body know that it was time for first period. They walked to their first period class holding hands and cuddling like they always did every morning of a school day.
During U.S history Barrett and Lisa sat next to each other sending notes to one another. They would write how much they loved each other, and asked what were they’re plans for the weekend to see if they could go out on dates. Or do something else with each other, they normally went to the movies and sat in the very back to make out once everyone was out of the theater because the movie was over. Last July they went to see the movie called “Ultra Violet” it was an action flick, two guys from school started calling them names and throwing hpopcorn, until Barrett got frustrated by their immature behavior and decided to get up and beat the crap out of them and he did.
All four of them got kicked out of the AMC for a month because of the rough housing. Barrett passed a note to Lisa as Mr. Secoda was showing slides on the projector on the white board, Lisa unfolded the note and just started to read it when Mr. Secoda snatched it out her hands and took a glance at it and said, “Do you have something you want to share with the class ?” He asked Lisa and she shook her head nervously as she tried to swallow in the humiliation, but some how she couldn’t. Her throat was too dry.“What do you think class? Should I read out loud?” He announced at the students and everyone cheered and yelled yes. As Mr. Secoda read out loud the note Lisa felt that she was getting warmer and warmer by the second. She didn’t care, she just focused on her hatred for Mr. Secoda, she felt this power surging through her and her hearing came back. She could Mr. Secoda laughing with the note still in his hand and then the note suddenly self distructed in Mr. Secoda’s hands.
Mr. Secoda screamed, and screamed for help as a students ran to get the fire extinguisher to use on his chest. Mr. Secoda was badly burn, his hand got extremely burnt and his hair burnt away. When the ambulance got there , Mr. Secoda had to be given knock out drugs because he couldn’t stand the burns. And once they stuffed him in ambulance Lisa was still shocked at what had just happened in front of her. But the question that kept running through her mind, “Was she responsible for what happened to Mr. Secoda?” He couldn’t ease her mind but she knew that was impossible. No one could do things like that with their minds. “Or could they?” She thought to herself but she decided that it was simply impossible and that she should just put it behind her. “Besides Mr. Secoda was playing with fire and if you played with fire you are guaranteed to be torched.” She said in her mind and smiling on the outside.
When lunch came mostly everybody was talking about the “Incident” that happened to poor Mr. Secoda, girls were whispering in each others ears and guys were saying how cool it was that Mr. Secoda got hurt because they hated him so much. Lisa, Barrett, and Anna Pandell were sitting in their favorite lunch table by the baseball field, and they all ate their lunch except lisa. Who was still pretty shaken up about Mr. Secoda, all that screaming Mr. Secoda did took away her appetite. “What’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your lunch.” Barrett said concerned as he rubbed his hand over Lisa’s stomach, “I’m just not very hungry that’s all, I mean seeing someone being hurt like that does that to you.” Lisa replied looking at Barrett. “I know. But it’s best not to think about it.” Barrett suggested leaning Lisa’s head on his shoulder for comfort. “All this time wishing for something horrible to happen to Mr. Secoda being so hard on account of others feelings, I feel terrible.” Anna answered regretful as she looked at them shocked, Lisa felt ashamed because she felt that Mr. Secoda received what he deserved. A few minutes the bell rung for the sixth period to begin, and for all students to clean after themselves and head to their classes. Anna said goodbye to them because they didn’t have the same class and also because after sixth period was over everyone goes home, Barrett hugged Lisa. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked looking into her eyes for an honest answer. “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll call you when I get home.” Lisa replied to him as she ran her fingers in Barrett’s hair. “Alright.” Barrett kissed her and then went their separate ways. Barrett headed home because he had no sixth period since he was a senior, technically he needed go home after fifth period but he enjoyed having lunch with Lisa and Anna.
As Lisa entered in her theater class and headed to her seat she was interrupted by Rafael Barajas, he stepped in her way to say. “Hi.” She answered back to him annoyed. Lisa did not like Rafael at all because he would come in between Anna and her and that really pissed her off. Because she didn’t like sharing Anna with such a poser. “So have you talked to Anna lately because when ever I like call her, she is never home and also I’ve noticed that she’s not around school.” Rafael asked her out forward. “Gee I wonder why?” Lisa said sarcastically as he put her backpack down underneath her chair. “What?” Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call. She would ask Anna if she wanted to talk to him but her answer was always the same, “No” so Mrs. Pandell would make excuses like. “Oh honey she’s taking a shower, she’ll have to call you back.” That one usually made him call the following day. “Oh she told me to tell you that you’re so fucking annoying and to stop stalking her!” Lisa lied angrily as Rafael’s jaw lowered in shock, Lisa took a breath and replied. “I’m just kidding, she told me to tell you that their phone is out of order and their getting it fixed so you shouldn’t call even if it sounds like it just rings.” Lisa lied again but this time Rafael nodded disappointed. “I think Anna’s his only friend…what a fucking loser…oh well what’s done is done.” Lisa said inside her head as he saw Rafael walking away to his seat. The class had begun and Mrs. Klein was showing the parts of the stage. Because we were going to be tested this following Friday and we had to learn every part of the stage, or otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pick a partner for a scene. And of course it had to be assigned by Mrs. Klein, Lisa hated Mrs. Klein much more than Mr. Secoda and she wished that Mrs. Klien had gotten burn along with Mr. Secoda. Lisa couldn’t hold in her laughter so he let it out for the whole class to hear, just the thought of them burning brought laughter into her mind. “Do you mind telling the class what it is that you find so funny that you have interrupt my lesson?” Mrs. Klein asked her in a bitchy tone, lisa wanted to tell her that she was laughing because she found her burning with Mr. Secoda hilarious…no genius. “Oh um….” Lisa couldn’t make out the words for a good lie. “Look we don’t have time for your stupidity, so just keep your mouth shut!” Mrs. Klein snapped, and turned and faced the board. “Bitch” Katie cussed Mrs. Klein in the behalf of her, she turned to see Mrs. Klien next to her and she tried to keep in her laughter down, but she couldn’t. She laughed for Mrs. Klein to hear her. “That’s it, I’m filling out a referral for you!” Answered angrily as she took a seat in her desk and started filling the form, lisa felt that feeling again, she went deaf and started to get warmer and all she focused on was the snow glove directly below Mrs. Klein face. Her eye sight suddenly zoomed in at the snow glove like a digital camera, and suddenly the snow glove shattered stabbing Mrs. Klein with broken glass in her face. Mrs. Klien screamed in terror and pain, because some of the glass had stabbed inside her eyes, blood ran down her face and everyone freaked out and a student went outside of the class to get help.
Another ambulance was called to the High School, Mrs. Klein wouldn’t shut up she kept screaming in pain, Lisa wished she would have been caught on fire just like Mr. Secoda, at least he was a little quieter. School was dismissed early on count of the other “Incident”. Lisa felt conscience free because she felt she wasn’t responsible for the freaky coincidence that occurred today. First Mr. Secoda and then Mrs. Klein gets it. “Am I causing these weird occurrences? Do I have this ability that ends up hurting the people that I hate…Nah?” She reassured herself as she walked to the bus stop with Nicole, “I can’t believe two teachers got hurt today in just one day!” Nicole said to Lisa a little bit freaked out. “Yeah and I was the witness to both of them.” Lisa answered stiffly as he thought back. That feeling she felt when Mr. Secoda read his note from Barrett out loud to the whole class. She felt angry and full of rage, maybe these accidents are triggered within her. Maybe she had the gift to cause things with her mind. And maybe he had “Telekinesis” the ability to move or shatter things with his mind. She then realized that she had put two people in the hospital in the case of her uncontrollable anger and rage within her.
When the bus arrived they both climbed in and took a seat next to each other, Lisa took the window seat. The bus drove off and Lisa looked outside and thought that she will put these so called powers to the test. She thought back at Mr. Secoda’s laughter and how he made fun of her, and then suddenly she felt stronger. And she looked outside, a road filled with cars, she focused on a truck with a cargo of helium tanks. Her vision zoomed in at the tanks, and out of nowhere the tanks exploded, making every car near it started flying in mid air. “Oh my god!” Lisa yelled pretty freaked out. “I did do those things.” Everyone on the bus turned to look at the exploding cars because the first explosion made them get caught on fire also.
When Lisa got home she admittedly went to her room, locked the door and turned on her television to see the news. She turned to channel 9, a reporter was standing ten feet away from the tragedy. “I’m here where helium tanks just combusted causing major mayhem,our sources tell us that there are no survivors….twenty five people have lost their lives.” The reporter said, and Lisa turned off the T.V. rapidly not wanting to hear more. “Oh my god what have I done…I’ve killed innocent people…but I didn’t mean to.” She talked to herself trying to convince herself of her innocence in all of this. She climbed in bed and laid scared, crying in tears, she cried herself to sleep.
The next day lisa left her home, her family, and her life.
She awoke with a start, cold sweat running down her forehead. The sun shown bright and she squinted against it. Whipping her forehead with the back of her hand she grunted and sat up in her vehicle. It was still morning, The birds sang and the mist rolled across the wide fields. Lisa quickly pulled her long curly blond hair back into a pony tail. She then got out of the back seat, looking around she saw no sign of a place or town. Lisa slammed the car door shut and walked to the front, She slid into the seat wondering if her dream had been real. She put the keys into the ignition and with one turn the thunderbird roared to life. She quickly sped off. What a mess I got herself into. She thought to herself, Why would they still be after me? They had her mother’s business, accounts and now her mother’s home, She had no where to go. She had gotten rid of her mother’s credit cards, they ransacked her mother’s home so there was nothing worth salvaging. They had her parents threatened if they held any thing from them they would kill them. She sighed. She blocked out every thing, right now she needed a place to stay and a job so she could start all over again. Maybe in a little place in the middle of no where, that sounds good. She thought.
(Here is Naketa Brood)
He grabbed my shoulders and made me look into his eyes.
“Naketa, look at me, and listen carefully.”
We were both breathing heavily, from running so fast.
“You have to go back. ”
He paused. “I made a lot of mistake-”
I had to interrupt. “No Ash, WE.”
“Alright, WE made a lot of mistakes. Starting around five years ago, when we got in the middle of this mess. Sometimes lies feel better than the truth. And that’s what you have to do, you have to go back, and make sure we stay ignorant. You’ll remember everything that has happened, so you’ll know exactly how to fix it. You can live a peaceful future, and forget this time, which will become only a memory.”
It was all happening so fast, I didn’t understand what he was getting at.
“But-”
“No.”
He cradled my head in his hands.
“You are going back. And you’re going to overwrite this awful future. Just promise me one thing, don’t forget me, and the few things we did together.”
He looked on the verge of tears, and I felt I should be, but I was almost too sad to cry. He turned to leave, but then came back.
“There’s one mistake I made, that I’d never want to erase.”
Very quickly, I was in his arms, and his lips were firmly pressed to mine. It had started a very suddenly, a very full kiss. And it only continued to become more so as I felt his tongue enter my mouth. I then realized exactly what I was doing, I had my arms around his neck, and one hand was drifting up into his black hair. My lips were moving just as frantically around his, filled with the equal passion, and hope, that just maybe our problems could be forgotten and we could continue as people were meant to live. His arms pulled me closer, melding my body into his. I tried to hold on as he pulled his lips off mine, but he still held me fast against him, and I didn’t want him to let go.
“I fell in love with you.” he said.
I just held onto him tighter, he knew my reply, he knew I felt the same way. And we both knew there was nothing ahead for us. He looked into my eyes, caring.
“Turn around, and close your eyes. Please do not look back. Just remember me, this me.”
He released me, and I was instantly void of his warmth. But I obeyed, turning around, and slowly closing my eyes. There was a beeping noise. One shot. One gasp. One thud.
I knew what had happened, and even though I couldn’t see, I could still picture it. His lifeless form lying there, his lips that were just seconds ago on top of mine, dripping with blood. I felt so angry, I was so sad that it made it impossible for me to cry, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t cry for him. As I opened my eyes, I felt a single tear escape, I watched it drop onto the floor.
It was the last thing I saw before I disappeared.
(A different place and time.)
It was like a blink. Nothing more, nothing less. I tripped as I took a first step, and my face met the ground much faster than it should’ve. Dirt and grass was spit from my mouth. I stood up, and finally realized that I’d shrunk. My eyes drifted to my clothing, jean shorts, yellow tank. In the back of my mind I knew what had happened, and what to expect, but I never really believed it before.
“There you are Naketa!”
My head turned immediately at the sound of my name, and I gazed upon a much younger Ash. He still clad the cap, that hid his marvelously uncontrollable black hair. And he was only as tall as I was.
“Let’s get back to camp, Brock has dinner ready.”
I watched him pause and cock his head.
“Are you okay Naketa? You look a little pale.”
I quickly put on a forced smile.
“I’m fine! Let’s go!”
Ash started walking ahead, and I just followed, still in a daze. My legs didn’t feel right, being so much shorter than I was used to. But the one thing I couldn’t understand was how?
How did I go back?
“NAKETA!?”
Again I was jerked back to reality and frantically looked around for the source.
“Naketa, you were walking straight out of camp!”
“Oh, um yea. I was just daydreaming!”
Ash got a very puzzled expression, then shrugged. A new voice came to my ears then, no, not new, I just hadn’t heard it in a very long time.
“Hey, you guys! Dinner is ready!”
Brock. I just sat down, and ate the delicious food, silently. I thought about what I needed to do now. Ash had said to keep us ignorant, or more so, keep them ignorant. And I knew what was going to happen, so it would be easy, right?
But I couldn’t remember, it was long ago, and I had desperately been trying to block it out for years now. Unbeknownst that it would later be critical information. I suddenly remembered how it started, at least most of it, but it was enough.
What time was it now?
What day?
I had to know, so we could run……and fast.
“Ash, please tell me, quickly. What day is it? And what time?”
“Well, it’s Thursday, and-” He pulled out his watch, and pressed a button.
“It’s 5:23PM. But why do you want to know?”
My fingers rested over my lips, I was trying to remember, it had been Friday. I think. Could we spend the night here?
Yes, nice and rested so we could run the next day.
“Naketa, you’re acting strange, what is wrong?”
What was wrong?
Many, many things were wrong with the seemingly perfect reality they knew. There were enemies all around.
“I’m just really tired, I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning Ash, don’t worry.”
He scooted a little closer to me and peered questioningly into my eyes.
“Since when are you so nice to me?”
Why on earth would I be mean?
I was always nice to him, wasn’t I?
Again a revelation hit me, of what I used to be. Circumstances made a big change on me, I was almost a whole different being. But how could I fake my old self?
I put on a more sarcastic voice, one that I hadn’t used in ages.
“I already TOLD you Ash, I’m tired. I don’t have enough energy to argue with you!”
Then he smiled, content with the fact I sounded ‘normal’ again.
I slipped into my sleeping bag, and rested my head. Ash and Brock were still eating and talking over by the fire, and my thoughts drifted to what had happened earlier, or rather later. The kiss mostly, the warm feeling of Ash’s lips, and how right it felt. And then he was gone, and yet he was sitting only a few feet away from me now. I thought of the future, I thought of my past, I thought I wasn’t tired, and yet I slept.
It was still dark, but we needed to get going. I slid partially out of my sleeping bag and started shivering frantically. Every part of my sensible mind said to curl back up in the warmth and rest some more, but I couldn’t. With clenched teeth I stood up and instantly started shuffling my feet. The ground was cold, my arms were cold, and the bones in my legs felt as if they vibrated. Why did I wear these clothes?
I made a mental note to re-do my wardrobe as soon as possible.
“ASH.”
I think it was the sound of teeth chattering that woke him, rather than the sound of his name being hissed. He just opened his eyes and squinted at me.
“Ash, we need to go. Please just wake up Brock and get packed.”
He was still squinting at me.
“Wha? Why?”
I sat down beside him as he sat up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t explain because you wouldn’t understand.”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to leave in the middle of the night, for no reason, because I wouldn’t understand what you won’t explain?”
The tone of his voice was strange, it almost hurt. He thought I didn’t trust him, but I couldn’t tell the truth! He wouldn’t believe the truth.
I leaned over and kissed him very lightly, and shortly on the lips. Maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was because he wasn’t wearing his hat, maybe I was addicted to him after the first kiss. But I just ran afterwards, I ran and sat down behind a tree. Because I honestly didn’t know what to do!
Then I heard noises, Ash was packing, and it sounded like Brock had gotten up too. I couldn’t help but smile, maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
All of us were soon traveling in the darkness. I knew what had happened last time, and I was extremely determined not to let it happen again. I led the group as far away, as quickly as I could. It was soon dawn, and then almost noon.
We stopped and sat down to break for lunch when there was one shot, and Brock fell, dead.
I gasped, how could they have found us?
We were far away! Unless…..unless they had been following us. And that would mean it was inevitable, I couldn’t prevent this from happening! But as long as they didn’t find out anymore.
“Run Ash!”
We were off at a full sprint, adrenalin pumping. It came as a total shock when I felt excruciating pain and my leg gave way. How could I be shot?
I hadn’t been shot last time!
Then it came to me.
(FLASHBACK)
The sound of electricity cracking came to my ears as I continued to run. A gun shot was heard, but I kept running. But what hurt the most was Ash’s scream.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
(FLASHBACK)
Something had saved me, but I never realized it because it had happened so fast. But now, it didn’t have the chance, and it was….my turn.
I must have been crumpled in a heap on the ground, looking pitiful, but I closed my eyes and prepared for the inevitable. A shot rang out, but the pain didn’t come, just a heavy weight on my back. Was I dead?
But I managed to open my eyes and……there was Ash, he had blocked the bullet. And the only word I could think of was: failure. Look at what one little mistake made! Look at how easy it was to fail! I had a whole other chance, and look at how quickly I had failed.
And what do to now? There was nothing to live for! Nothing!
I just closed my eyes, wishing I could’ve done something with a chance, wishing I had done anything but fail.
I didn’t dare to open my eyes again, so they stayed closed for the longest time. That caused me to fall asleep, and thus, I woke up.
The surroundings looked familiar, but the havoc and terror didn’t seem to be visible anymore. Ash was not there. Now what had happened!?
My head ached with the confusion of it all. Now accustom to the much smaller body, I started walking a bit, only to meet the last person I’d expect.
“ASH!?”
My mouth was agape, as I awed at the fact he was perfectly unharmed.
“Hi Naketa, I was just looking for you. Brock has dinner ready.”
Confusion, and utter confusion. I just couldn’t understand what was going on! This had already happened, and now it was happening again! Did I get another chance?
That was defiantly what it appeared to be. This time would be different, but unfortunately that meant it had to be the same as the first time, the very first time. The beginning would have to be the same, Ash would have to find out a little bit, but not all.
Again I faked a sarcastic and playful voice, imitating my former self.
“Ok Ash, I’ll race you there!”
It was dark, and I again found myself in my sleeping bag. But this time I had nothing planned. Unfortunately I had to live out this first day just as before, I had to watch two close friends die. Again. I had already tried to stop it, and it didn’t work, they were following and there was no way to get away from that. I banged my fist against the ground. What was I supposed to do after!?
Just hide…….forever? I….guess that….could work. And I just HAD to remember to act like my old self, more problems could arise if I didn’t. But now I have to surrender to this enemy called sleep.
When I finally re-opened my eyes it was well into the day. The glint of dew was gone from the ground. Ash was a few yards away, and I couldn’t see Brock. He was off getting water. Strange knowing the future, strange changing it, strange living the past over again.
I was so tempted to ask Ash what time it was, but would the old Naketa really have done that?
Brock would be shot when he returned, which could be any moment now. I scurried out of my sleeping bag and rolled it up. It really was a beautiful day, I just never really paid attention, with my mind on other things. The sun was high and radiant, a sleeveless shirt allowed my shoulders to feel the internal warmth it gave. Only a light breeze, just enough to let the forest dance. And shadows haunted the floor, almost silhouetting the disaster to come in this picturesque setting.
We were all just so innocent. I glanced over at Ash, carelessly living life without a notion, even a hint, that this was a turning point. Sad isn’t it?
Nowhere to be cowardly, no time to be strong. And that leaves you to feel it, just let it all come at you full force. I could feel the muscles in my fists tightening. How could life be so cruel?
Look at us! Just look! We were happy, with goals and dreams, and fantasies. And all that can be ripped away so easily. No matter how far you reach for them back, your hands return empty, clutching nothing but the darkness. Yes…..it was a good thing we were strong. It was a good thing Ash was strong.
The sound of rustling brush was what I heard next. And at that I lowered my head.
“Oh Naketa, you’re up-”
Brocks voice was cut short by the gun shot. It was sounding all too familiar, almost just like it was part of the scenery, no different than a Spearow’s cry. That distinct sound of a last breath, you can always tell by the sorrowful screech it leaves in your head. Almost screaming “And there will be no more.” Then there’s the falling, the thud of a lifeless form against the living ground. I could never bear to watch.
Ash yelled “Brock!” then quickly ran to his side. He held his fingers to Brocks neck, checking for a pulse.
“Naketa…he..he’s….dead.”
I ran and kneeled down next to him, also surveying Brock’s lifeless form. Cautiously peering into his face I saw a couple tears slither downwards to meet the ground, then suddenly his sad expression changed to one of almost anger. He whispered at me through clenched teeth.
“Who would do this?”
And then a shot rang out again, barely missing my own body. At that Ash screamed “RUN!” And that was exactly what I did, exactly replicating what I had done before. Except this time I remembered to grab my sleeping bag. There was the sound of electricity running through the air, there was that final bullet.
“Ash, we have to get out of here!”
His face was wet with tears, but he still had a sense of control about him. We both ran now, together, anywhere but that clearing in the forest. I couldn’t feel my feet moving, adrenalin was empowering them to speeds I never knew possible. And we just kept going.
It must have been hours later. The trees started to bore me, there were so many in sight. And finally, a clearing. It was surprisingly large, and the trees framed the lush central grass. The shoes that covered my tired feet were caked with dust; I was just so thankful to stop and sit down. Ash was seated beside me, and his face looked hard and cold. Our heavy breathing was all I could hear, until Ash spoke.
“I think we lost them. I hope we lost them. But who were they? And WHY WOULD THEY BE AFTER US?”
He was seriously upset. And so was I in fact, even thought I knew all about it.
“I’m not sure,”
A lie, right there.
“But at least we got away safely, and we can just keep hidden.”
Isn’t that what Ash had told me to do? Keep ourselves out of danger instead of searching for it like we had before?
“No Naketa! We can’t! I have to find out who murdered Brock”
“We don’t stand a chance! Don’t you see that? Even if we did find them they have guns and we don’t!”
“Well then what do you propose we do? Just stay here in the forest and hide forever? Never knowing anything or getting any answers?”
We were both lying down but propping ourselves up with our hands. Oh if only Ash knew what the future was! If only he could see that knowing nothing WAS really the best! I knew he was too stubborn to convince now, when he had just witnessed everything and was enraged. So I neutralized the situation.
“Lets just stay here awhile. We can think about it and get a plan, this isn’t anything to mess with!”
With that his voice softened, he turned away with his head down.
“I thought I knew you better Naketa, I thought you would want to get back at whoever did this. But I see you’re just a coward.”
Oh that hurt, especially coming from him. I really hadn’t been this way, I had been just as fiery as he had been, maybe more. HE had actually been the one to come up with the idea to wait, and settle down, but that had been after another attack.
I released the death grip that was holding a sleeping bag to my ribs. The fabric was cold as I rolled it out along the ground, then slipped in fully clothed. I started shivering. But the sun was up, and the wind was down. Now I was punishing myself; how could I act that way?
You’re not acting the way you would’ve, and what if you loose Ash all together?
I turned my head. His back was towards me, and his right hand drifted against his face then returned. Wiping tears probably. Ash had a lot to cry about his ever faithful friend, Brock the brotherly figure. And now me, acting totally out of character. I was making this harder.
“I’m sorry, Ash.”
I saw his head turn at my voice. Bloodshot eyes met mine.
“I said ‘I’m sorry.’”
With a shaky voice, and through clenched teeth he replied.
“I heard what you said.”
This was definitely wrong, he looked…..furious. So I moved a little closer, slithering in my sleeping bag.
“What’s the matter?”
His eyes narrowed and gleamed glassy like a cobra.
“I want revenge Naketa.”
It had happened so fast, he had cried already, drenching the ground below to a soggy state. But now it was anger, a great hatred towards those who had brought all the suffering upon him. And who could blame him?
I had felt the same way; the two of us had harnessed it, and controlled it, together. But I cannot act that way now! Is it required that I act?
I can’t burst out in tears, I can’t fake a rage.
“I want revenge too…”
My voice cut off there as the words finally sank in to my own consciousness. Damn right I wanted revenge! So I had to say it,
“..You don’t know how much I want it.”
Finally a response, he turned his head slightly to stare at me.
“But I want it now. I want to track them down and assault them with my bare fists.” he said.
I ran my tongue across dry lips,
“You wouldn’t get revenge by killing yourself.”
He didn’t respond, so I kept going.
“They’re sure to come back, so why don’t we be ready? A plan to find out who they are, exactly.”
Or I could just tell you Ash, but……that wouldn’t be fair, and you wouldn’t want to know.
His head moved in a gentle nod.
“I think I have an idea….”
It was around two days later, and I was thankful for remembering my sleeping bag this time. We had camped out in that clearing at night, and during the day were on a constant watch for anyone out of the ordinary, or anyone at all. Now it was dusk, the sky looked a dark shade of royal blue. Clouds circling above us looked black, and even though the setting may sound haunting it was actually quite relaxing and peaceful. In the dead silence Ash and I must’ve been holding our breath.
The gun had a silencer on it too, because all I could hear was the sound of the bullet rushing through the air. The leaves beside my foot flung up in the air and rustled; that is what you call a close call. But we had a plan, and it was executed as Ash ran behind one tree, me behind another. Ash motioned his hands for my attention and mouthed
“Wait.”
The leaves again crackled and flew near my feet. I peeked around the tree, but there was no one there and no rustling in the bushes either. Suddenly Ash started running towards me, trying to get behind the same tree. The whistling of a bullet came, but instead of hitting the ground, Ash fell. Please no, not again! I was just about to go to him, when he lifted his head and nodded gently for me to stay. It was then I realized that there were no more sounds, whoever had been shooting at us was gone. So I went to him, preparing to see any wounds that might have been inflicted.
Expect the worst Naketa. But there was nothing to be seen, no damage had been inflicted.
“I tripped, that’s all.”
He finally concluded, as I wiped my eyes. Ash started to stand up, but I sat down so he just stayed. My heart was still pounding; that fear had overtook me again so I couldn’t help but ache. His black hair was drooping over his eyes, but I could still tell that they were closed in thought. A brisk wind brushed by and I couldn’t help but shiver as the sky turned to ebony.
“It’s impossible for us to find out who’s behind this just by waiting for them to attack, we have no defense. I say we learn to fight.”
There was a pause, as he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.
“I have to get them myself. So I’ve decided that we should stay here…and I will learn to fight.”
How do you respond to such a determined, command?
I suddenly realized at how little I’d done to change anything, because this was almost exactly what had happened the first time. But, what could I do?
Now was the time to rack my brain for ideas though.
Okay, I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Hey B. Mac,
I’d like to set up a review forum as well for the same reasons as AI Writer. I think if I had someplace specifically to put stuff, it’ll help me focus on writing on it more. I’ve already got most of a story completed around one of the anxillary (spelling?) characters that I’m currently working on completing.
It’s basically set in a superhero universe that in part has all the conspiracy theories about genetic tampering and what not being partially true. Stuff going on back to the days of alchemy’s reign has resulted in mutations in the population going forward to modern times. Even includes some expanded science as well, but I like to play with different spins on archetypes.
Hello, Toasty. I’ve set one up for you here.
Thanks B. Mac!
Something really weird’s been going on with it though, everytime I try to post the short story it doesn’t go through… but the post afterwards giving visual references of some of the characters went through. O.o
Can I have a review forum, please. Thank you.
Sure, Scribblar. I’ve put it here. Good luck!
I’ve been on this website for five minutes and I’m thinking, “Why haven’t I seen this site before?!”
Well, I’ve been trying to write a vampire comic book. It’s sort of my anti-Twilight. I should call it that, but Twilight just doesn’t live up to the hype.
My main character is a vampire hunter who lives in a city where humans and vampires are co-existing under a truce (It’s not peacefully, though. Each side is just waiting for the other to make a mistake.), but humans are ignorant of the vampires existence, save a few hunters.
She hunts rogue vampires, fanatical hunters and a female vampire that goes both ways. Her movitation is that she fights to save lives rather than killing vampires. There’s a second motive, but I won’t reveal until later.
There’s a lot I have to tell. But I need some reviews to help me. Not just “It’s okay.” or “It sucks!”. I need constructive criticism.
And so I ask. May I have a review forum?
Thank you.
JunoDagger
I think that in a way, you’re proving Twilight as successful, especially when you’re basing your story as Twilight’s anti-thesis. Similarly to how some authors tried to ride on J.K. Rowling’s wave of success. If anything, it screams to me, “It’s Twilight done right!”. Maybe I’m being prejudiced for disliking vampire-based stories, but your story is a bit cliched. “Blade” comes to mind, especially involving the words “vampire-hunter”, “co-existence”, and “fights to save lives”.
A few questions:
Are you going for a modern vampire approach(seductive creatures, Lestat or Edward), or the nearly ‘archaic’ vampire approach(fugly and crafty, Nosferatu or Dracula)?
What definite weakness and strengths are you going to put into place for the vampires?
Vampires are probably meant to be homo superiors here in your story, what’s stopping them from taking over and doing as they please?
What is motivating your main character from regressing into a mundane life in ignorance of vampires?
Hello, JunoDagger. I’ve set up your forum here. Good luck.
Some broad ideas… vampires (and more broadly urban fantasy) are a brand of fiction I’m not familiar with. I would venture to say they’re better-represented in novels (where they sell extremely well) than comic books. But Buffy’s comic is Dark Horse’s top seller and almost always places in the top 25. (Incidentally, it’s the single best-selling independent comic on the market today).
More specifically, I tend to agree with PaintedSaint that this sounds a bit cliche. However, if the concept is cliche (humans and vampires living under an uneasy truce), you might be able to redeem it with strong execution. For example, what’s the protagonist like in terms of personality and traits? What are some unusual scenes you could do that you wouldn’t find in something like Blade or Lycans?
Hey, B. Mac, I was wondering if you could please wipe my forum clean of comments so I could post something else on there… that would be much appreciated
I’d like to third Becca’s request, but only with my review forum and with more appreciation than she offered, like a cup and a half more. I was way too detailed and meandering in my posts, plus the story’s undergone some major overhauls.
Got it, Becca. I have also e-mailed you a copy of the comments I deleted in case you’d like to go through those in the future.
LM, in response to your superior appreciation
, I have not only cleared your review forum of comments, but also added a link to it at the top of this page. 
Wooh! Thanks!
Thanks, B. Mac! I now heap on some extra appreciation – with a cherry on top. Beat that, Lighting Man!
Sorry, it took me a while to reply.
I know most of it sounds cliche, but it’s becoming harder and harder to come up with ideas these days. Also, I’m a first time writer.
To answer PaintedSaint’s questions:
I’m going with a mix of both, but they’ll blend in with the crowd. I want their victims to drop their guard, thinking they person won’t hurt them and then the strike. Not all of them are beautiful, though. Or have a dark brooding personality for that matter.
As for weaknesses, silver bullets were an obvious choice, but it works for werewolves mostly. Garlic is just plain stupid. It’s supposed to keep vampires away not kill them. Sunlight’s a given. Fall to the ground, sizzle, writhe and scream in pain, burst into flames. Stake to the heart: another lethal end to a vampire’s life, but a lot more difficult than a bullet to the head.
Also, vampires have a leader or Prince (if we’re thinking of Masquerade) to keep the younger children in line. Of course, there are children who say, “Screw this! We shouldn’t be hiding! We’re damned and we should act like it!” and break off to form their own clans and wreak havoc on the poor humans. Those are what the protagonist hunts after.
My character isn’t ignorant of vampires. She’s one of the few hunters who know they exist. Why would a vampire hunter be ignorant of vampires? I have no idea. Also, if she fought just for killing vampires, that would lead her down a path of vengeance and nonstop killing in my belief. What I’m trying to say is that, if she had a choice of chasing after the vampire or saving a human’s life, she’d save the human.
B. Mac: Well, she’s driven and fiery, but she has a tenancy to push people away. She’ll never cross the line, but she would be at the edge and just stay there. She wouldn’t kill civil vampires and doesn’t go on a killing spree every time she sees one.
Well, there aren’t any half-vampires. I wanted one in my story, but I’ve come to realize it doesn’t work most of the time. I also want to try to have the setting in something other than a nightclub or a bar. That’s also cliche and reminds me of Blade. It’s been the setting in two chapters already! Maybe I could have some comedic elements in the story too, make it not so depressing.
If I didn’t answer your questions correctly, I’m sorry. But I’ve been running on two hours of sleep to rewrite my first chapter and it’s still crap. Hopefully I’ll have it posted soon.
-JunoDagger
I’d like a forum. Thanks.
Okay. I’ve set one up for you here, EWill. Good luck!
I think I’ll take the plunge now.
Please set up a review forum for me, and place the following text in the main body:
—
This story, Under the Raven’s Banner, is about an office lady/bridge bunny-type with electric powers who seeks to secure herself professionally (and physically!), even if it means going into combat.
Expect at least a post a week. I will try my best not to abandon this.
Okay, I’ve set it up here. Good luck!
By the way, when you say “story,” do you mean a novel or comic book?
I mean a novel.
If its not to much trouble could you set me up a review forum.
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck!
Hi again everyone,
Is it possible to get a link to my review forum put on the list and/or page? I keep forgetting to bookmark it.
Danke,
mnkyking
Okay, I’ve added it to the page above.
Hey, can I get a review forum for my story, too? Please?
I’d rather not post the entire thing, just the premise and a few installments to see if the ideas and execution work for y’all.
If it generates some interest I might look at asking This Mutant Life if they’ll consider publishing a serial – I’d like to have some fans of the story to offer before I go asking for special treatment.
Sure. I’ve set it up here.
thanks very much!
Hey, I’m thinking of writing a script because I’m at a loss at this point with my book; maybe a script will give me something to do while I wait for something to click. I’ve been wanting to create a superhero for a while and this is what I’ve been thinking of: Hugo Morris an 18 college freshman who has the ability to fly as fast as flash can run. So far that’s the only power I want him having
. I was wondering if I could get a forum to post his character sketch and get it revised before I start the script.
Also on a more technical point: I’ve registered for this site but am unsure where the login button is. I’ve been given a password but see little use for it as I just type in this box. Thanks peeps.
To log in, go to the Site Admin link at the bottom of most pages. You don’t need a password to comment, but people that are logged in have a few extra tools, such as an ability to search for comments and more HTML access.
B. Mac, could you destroy my review forum?
Believe me, I didn’t forget or anything; it’s just that what I’ve written requires much more revision than I anticipated.
Okay, got it.
can you make me a review forum?
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here.
Can I get a review forum for my story please? (It’s not exactly a superhero story but shares some elements in common).
It’s about the shades of gray in every human. Starts off with a normal happy-go-lucky young man and how his emotions and views evolve into something bigger and darker through the course of the story.
Alright, Avi. I’ve set one up for you here.
It says ‘Sorry, no posts matched your criteria.’ What do I do now?
Ack, wrong link. Try this.
I was wondering if I could have a review forum, thanks.
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here, Brontes.
Could I possibly get a review forum?
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here, A. Jones. Good luck!
Thanks B. Mac
b.mac, Would be willing to make a review forum for me as well?
I know I’m new, but I’d be interested in a forum site. I’ve been taking notes on superheroes since I was a kid, and have written a few things here and there. I finally got up the nerve and tried Smashwords. I find it interesting that there are few prose-only series (unless I don’t know where to look) beyond Wild Cards or adaptations of movie level brands.
My universe is one where there was a group of heroes who disbanded around the same time as the arrival of two friendly alien races. That was in the late 1980s, after the the Cold War ended with the United Nations becoming a benign world leader.
Now a new generation of heroes and villains is beginning to come out. This time around, these young people have powers on the level of gods, but fortunately some of the older folks are still around to teach them what to do.
The first story I have is about ColdStar, a college student who can control fire & ice. He learns that being a superhero is not something you can do alone. He quickly meets the black-budget government agency that manages people with Talents (powers).
Other characters include Novanna (a woman who explodes over Chicago), the Wolf Lords (fighting gangs in Southern California), Jade Shamaness (a magic user in the Southwest), and AfterImage (a teleporter in Miami).
Mostly, I want to write the stuff I would like to see in the genre. I do have a science background, so I am interested in a little realism, such as may be allowed in a genre where people fly and push planets around. If I can, I want to explore various ways to present my ideas. The Deconstruction of superheroes is over; I just want to put the pieces back together in different ways.
I am dipping my toes in the water. If anyone likes what I have, great, I will continue. Regardless, I will continue to take notes on superheroes until I die…
Let me know what I need to do. I can’t improve without assistance, so I’ll be happy to help however I can.
Hello, Mike. I’ve set up your review forum here.
I would like a review forum.
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck.
B.Mac, would you please set up a review forum for me?
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck!
Thanks man.
B.Mac, do I just put a url where is asks for website?
Yeah.
Hey B.Mac can you set up a review forum for me?
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck!
Hello, I am the Last Man on Mars’s brother. I created the characters in Anarchy in Black and let him and his artist friend have them when I didnt want to continue with the idea. After his falling out with his friend I took the characters back and now I want to work with them and show the good people here my original plans for the story.
Oof. That sounds like a lot of drama. (One of the reasons I would recommend against trying to cowrite something as a first-timer*). Anyway, if you’d like, I’ve added a review forum here for you.
*Some other reasons:
–Most first novels change SUBSTANTIALLY from conception to completion. Although the coauthors may agree with the original conception, as the story evolves they may see it evolving in different ways.
–Writers get attached to ideas and characters. (“John wouldn’t say THAT!”) If the two authors have different conceptions of how the character acts or speaks, they may end up with a wildly inconsistent product. In the comic book industry, a character is sometimes referred to as a “pod person” if he suddenly starts acting out-of-character when he gets a new writer. Alternately, trying to iron out the consistencies may cause conflicts between the authors.
–Most authors that get published don’t actually do it with their first novels, so I think it may help to be able to walk away from a finished-but-unsold manuscript without any sour feelings.
–In theory, having two people working should make the process faster. In practice, the coordination is often quite difficult and each coauthor has incentive to pass the buck to the other guy.
–The authors may not have very compatible styles.
–If one author is substantially better, he may be held back by the other. If either (or both!) author thinks he is better than the other, he may feel he’s being held back.
Hi there! I’ve been writing and rewriting for a graphic novel since I was 16 (21 now) and I was hoping to get some critique, as I’m pretty inexperienced with writing. I was also hoping that getting feedback would inspire me to write pretty regularly.
The graphic novel will be a long one… possibly split into two parts. There are elements of several different genres in there. I’d say it’s a mixture of Fantasy, Drama, and Psychological Thriller.
The plot follows three high school students who are placed under a mysterious curse with dangerous consequences. They soon meet a boy who claims to be a witch from a magically disguised part of town, and throughout the story, the four of them work together break the curse, all the while discovering more and more about their town’s bloody history.
Because of the language and sometimes mature themes (drugs, death, crude humor, etc.) the audience would probably be people between 18 and late 20′s. Male and female, I’m assuming.
Because of the ambiguous genre, lack of superheroes, and maturity level of the readers, I wasn’t sure whether this was the right place to ask for critique or not. I don’t know how well-received all of the profanity in my writing will be, lol. So be honest… should I post my writings here? If not, is there another place online where I could get help?
Thanks ahead of time :]
S-ever-ed
Superhero Nation has good advice in it. I would also advise learning how to write action or fight scenes (short and concise not overly descriptive). Read it, leave it for awhile, then read it again. Get friends to read it. Make sure it flows and has continuity.
My book is a thai superhero novella. You can read half of it at link below.
Read here
Hello S-ever-ed,
I’m sure B. Mac would be fine with you posting your work on the site. If anything else I suspect we could put a caution sign on your forum. Haha. Although, most of our traffic is fairly mature and if they understand that you’re writing a novel they should be okay with profanity. You’ll have to wait for B. Mac, though. I don’t know how to set up review forums.
If there’s anything else you’d like to work on or get advice with feel free to browse the site for anything that gives you ideas.
I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck!
The content doesn’t sound problematic. More than a few of our readers are interested in non-superhero fantasy, so that shouldn’t be a problem. (One caveat: I haven’t worked in that field, so take everything I say with a lump of salt).
As for the profanity and drug use, I don’t think that’ll be much of a problem in terms of getting something published for adults. (Not a problem here, either–the only time I can remember saying no to a forum was if it sounded like it’d probably be wank material).
Hello B. Mac, I was wondering if you could set up a review forum for me. I’ve had this story in my head for a couple of years now (peanuts compared to most people) and only recently started writing. Trouble is, I want to make sure I get the first few chapters right before moving on (storytelling-wise that is, as there will always be room for improvement).
So, I decided to come out from lurking in the shadows, and see if anyone on here had any ideas on how to make it better, but I can always hope people will be so blown away that they won’t have anything bad to say…. can’t I?
Okay. I’ve set it up here. (Bookmarking it for later reference will probably be helpful).
“I can always hope people will be so blown away that they won’t have anything bad to say…. can’t I?” Well, I’m pretty sure that there will be suggestions for improvement (otherwise there wouldn’t be much point, right?), but they will be friendly and constructive.
Oh yeah, I know. I was just being hopelessly optimistic.
“I was just being hopelessly optimistic.
” I hear you. Having some hopeless optimism is pretty much required in this industry.
B. Mac I think I’ve got my plot working but I’d appreciate if you could set up a review forum for me.
B. Mac and/or powerful mods:
Would it be possible to change the descriptions for my forums?
First Forum/HTSTW Forum: How to Save the World is a superhero novel, filled with heroism, self-discovery, friendship, and a little hilarity. It’s about a dysfunctional team of superpowered teenagers and their struggle to defeat a less-than-sane genius principal and an veritable army of their hypnotized classmates while maintaining steady B averages. As if high school wasn’t hard enough. When the fate of the world rests upon the shoulders of an impulsive pessimist with a short temper, her naive best friend who’s fallen hard for a queen bee, a quiet paraplegic searching for his older brother, and the sixth grader who’s probably smarter than all of them…well, we’d better cross our fingers for luck. They’re gonna need it.
Second Forum/Darkstar Rising Forum: A mysterious mercenary working for heroes and villains with a grudge against both, an uptight heroine with a clean-cut worldview, a useless engagement ring, and photokinesis, her leaderless superhero team, and a supervillain mastermind systematically slaughtering heroes. [[Title]] is a destruction of superheroes and the world in which they live, from child sidekicks to flamboyant costumes, blended with a dash of darkness and a good helping of sarcasm. Other works discussed in this forum include Hunter’s Abomination, about a so-called utopia and the men and monsters who call it home; Twisted Fantasy, a blend of video game homage, RPG cliche deconstruction, and a fantastic quest; and Strawberries and the Meaning of Life, a postapocalyptic love story about a hot-tempered boy searching for something he doesn’t understand, a hermit with a taste for riddles and impossible fruit, and a lonely girl from a city which has never touched the ground.
[[Title]] will eventually be swapped for whatever I replace Darkstar Rising with. Thank you in advance.
- Wings
Do you mean the description on the forums themselves or the descriptions in the list above? (I’ll proceed assuming you mean the forums, but please let me know).
Okay. Got it.
Preferably both, if that’s okay. I know a lot of readers aren’t willing to swim through piles of post to find the plot, so I figured that updating the summaries would be a good idea.
- Wings
I’m involved in an interesting project. I was asked to translate into English (from Portuguese) a superhero novel. The story deals with a group of hybrid aliens who are superheros . This is easier said then done, as I need to ‘rethink’ and ‘rewrite’ expressions and the like. The author and I work closely so I can get clarification on most issues. As far as “the meat” of the story, we would like to get feedback from others on this forum. Any help is appreciated.
If you’d like, I’ve set up a review forum for you here, Bayamo. You can post chapters there or maybe ask people to do an e-mail swap if you’re more comfortable working with a private group.
THANKS!!
I’m going to prepare some stuff with the author and Friday we should have some stuff up. Thanks again!
I’m writing a novel and could really use some feedback. I’d really appreciate it if you could set up a review forum for me. Thanks.
Sure, NicKenny. I’ve set it up for you here.
I made some posts, thanks in advance.
hey B. Mac,
I know its been a while since I last posted anything here, but why are all of my comments say they need to be moderated.
I like this website. It has a lot of good articles.
Thanks!
Could I have a review forum please? And if possible would you add the following description when you add me to the list?
Currently working on ‘Scraps’. Title subject to change.
Hey B. Mac,
I need another review forum for something else Im working on, dont know if thats allowed but I thought I might ask anyway. Its just I plot for a Question expy (I’m just crazy about expies arent I?) named Paladin (also known as the white knight of a damned city) going against the Red King, a business executive and all around criminal with good PR. I just wanted to get everything about the plot in order before I start writing more then the couple pages of script that Ive already finished.
Ok, I’ve argued with myself over this for a while (almost a whole week!) and I think I’d like a review forum for my first novel (and possibly upcoming books in the series). I really need the input of somebody I don’t know, which will hopefully drive me to finish the last third of the book.
“The Misadventures of Mugsy and Charlie” I appreciate you offering this service and tonight I’ll go through some of the other forums and offer my thoughts.
Okay, cool. I’ve set it up for you here. Please do me a favor and bookmark the page for easy access.
Excuse me B.Mac, but It seems that you forgot someone about two comments above Sean, persons name is Dr. Malady and the comments been there since October, so I dont know if the person still wants it, but I dont think this person has the nerve to ask again, so Im asking for them if that is the case.
I think I responded to Dr. Malady in another thread, but I set it up for him here. Thanks for your reminder.
I’m not asking you to set up a forum for me; I just want to know if putting chapters of your book in the comments thread of this site counts as “publishing,” thus harming your chances of finding a real publisher.
A few chapters wouldn’t be an issue. Once we start getting past 10,000 words of the story, then it’d probably be better to correspond through e-mails.
Thanks for the answer, B. Mac.
I used to be called FarawaySoul on these review forums. I’m sorry I had to leave; I started college and was busy. Now its break time…!
I’m working on a superhero story about a struggle between two masterminds and their ideals: Maya, a cheerful, impulsive girl who hates all humans because of her ability to read minds, and Donovan Haw (based off of the Doings of Raffles Haw), a multi-billionaire who traveled the world in an attempt to make the world a better place.
The superhero story is for a doujin game to be sold in Japan. It’s a Visual Novel, a “choose-your-own-adventure” game with scenery and pictures of the main characters.
If you could make a forum for me, I would be grateful. (Alternatively, I could use my old forums, but the story has changed significantly…)
Thank you!
Okay, I’ve set up a review forum here.
“A cheerful, impulsive girl who hates all humans…” I imagine there’d be something of a discrepancy between cheerfulness and hating all humans but I could see it working. It could be very interesting.
Again, thank you.
Maya has somewhat of a facade; she acts cheerful to mask her true feelings. She actually means well – she wants to recreate the world into a better place – and she feels that hating others is counterproductive to what she really wants to do.
When she gets angry, however, all bets are off.
By the way, what are the tags used for this forum?
[B]Hello[/B]
Hello
As you’ve probably discovered, comments here use greater-than and less-than-signs to enclose HTML tags.
Some tags you might be interested in:
B for bold, ended with /b
I for italics, ended with /i
del for strikethrough, ended with /del
br for line-break.
Thanks.
I would like a review form please.
I’ve set one up for you here, Russ. What would you like me to put in the summary at the top?
Hey I need some feedback on my comic, can someone please set up a review forum for me?
Okay, Awale, I’ve set it up here. What would you like me to put in the summary at the top?
Yeah… I’ll send it to you by e-mail if you want, just need your e-mail…
I can be reached at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com.
I sent the e-mail.
Hello there! I discovered this website yesterday afternoon, and I’ve already read about three dozen of your articles. I’m still just a novice writer, so all you information you’ve provided has been enormously useful for me. Thanks a million for that!
Now, I understand that you’re probably very busy around this time of year, but I would deeply appreciate it if you gave me feedback on some of my work (when it’s convenient for you, of course). At present, I’m not planning on trying to get published; I’m just trying to refine my writing ability, and I think that some words from you would help greatly in that area.
Sure thing. If you’d like, you can send a story to me at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com, or I can set up a forum for you here and you can post it.
I think a forum will work great. Thanks!
Okay, I’ve set it up for you here. Would you like me to post a summary of the story at the top? (If so, what should I put in?)
Wow, that was fast! Here’s a (very) brief summary of my story:
“A maintenance man discovers that reality is managed and operated by a group of eccentric bureaucrats.”
I’ll post some more information about my book as well as the first chapter in the review forum. I’ll need a little while to get it all ready, though.
B. Mac, could you set up a review forum for me?
Put this description in.
“Alien Frontier is a short story about a girl who gains the power to shoot particle beams from a magical belt, but wants to avoid getting drafted by her village’s alien benefactors.”
Got it.
Could you look at my story, B. Mac?
Sure, got it.
Thanks, B. Mac.
I already have a review forum, but I only found out that I could make an account here after it was already set up. What happens now?
I’ve updated my review forum with the latest revision to Alien Frontier.
Oh, sorry. The review forum is here.
Hey, B. Mac
I had an idea for a series i really need to pan out a bit, with characterization and the such. Its a team of normal people (Challengers of the Unknown-esque) who go on very silver age style stories of weird monsters and time travel. More of a fun comic, without my other comic’s deconstructive bent. Ive recently come to respect the silver age weirdness and would like to write stories with a possible overarching plot, but with comic-to-comic plots that last 1 to 2 issues before resolution.
Okay, Mr. Crowley, I’ve set it up for you here. Please feel free to let me know if you’d like something different posted for the story summary.
Hey, B. Mac, can you look at my revision?
Okay, I’ll have something by tonight.
Hey B.Mac, I’ve posted chap 2.
Okay, Nicholas, I’ll try to get on that by tomorrow.
Oh…fine.
Don’t worry, I’ll get to it considerably before the Bears game on Sunday. After the Bears game, I’ll either be wildly euphoric or (more likely) completely despondent for 48 hours and will not be much use to anyone besides sadistic Packers fans.
Speaking of the Bears…
Lol why are they sadistic? You must really like the Bears. Personally, I don’t care who wins.
The third revision of Alien Frontier is up. Could you please review it, B. Mac?
Chapters Three and Four of “As Legends Walk” have been up for some time in my review forum. Please give them a read and review them!
Try posting on your review forum more, mines has 50+ posts already-and I’m a noob!
Okay, Castille, I’ll look at those as soon as possible. (I’ll probably have the first chapter done today).
Contra Glove, I expect I’ll also have yours done today.
Oh…sooooooo…what about mine? I posted some new chaps of Portentous.
Chapter 6 of ‘As Legends Walk’ has been out for a few days now. Have you gotten around to reviewing it B. Mac?
B.Mac would like if you wait a little more than, ‘a few days now’ to ask once more to review it.
I will try to get it as soon as possible, Castille. Thank you for your reminder.
What?! You got on to me when I reminded you ! Okay, lemme calm down. I’m just a bit intrigued that you kinda a little mad because I reminded you but it’s okay that Castille is good for reminding you… D: I’m kinda sad now. T-T
You know, forget that post. I guess since my post is like 10x longer then I could see why you said that. I just forgot how long my request was until I scrolled to it.
Thnx!
Yeah, Castille’s chapter was four pages long. I took 45 minutes reviewing it.
If you have other questions about my response times and/or SN etiquette, please feel free to e-mail me at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com.
Posted Chapter Seven of ‘As Legends Walk’ to my review forum. Don’t need a play by play grammar correction right away… Though some basic advice on the tone and direction for the chapter would be nice.
Even a brief comment or two would be very helpful, thanks.
I have posted Chapter eight of ‘As Legends Walk’ to my review forum. I would appreciate any critique as to the tone or direction of the story thanks.
Hey, B. Mac. I have a new Alien Frontier revision up.
B.Mac, the new chapter in my review forum has been up for about seven days by now. I am still awaiting comments and critiques on it. However, I can wait a few more days if your schedule is really too tight.
Got it. Thanks for the reminder.
So B.Mac, How did you like the chapter I sent to to review? Did I fix the characterization/decision things you pointed out to me earlier?
I responded, Castille. I feel like the relationship triangle between Reyes, Martin and Ember is becoming clearer, but I still feel like the characters could act more distinctively. For example, I get the impression that Martin is sort of a not nice person (but only willing to show that to Amber), judging by his comment about what he could do with the collar. So maybe one thing Martin can do to distinguish himself from the other characters is to act memorably nasty towards Amber whenever he doesn’t have to put on a show for Reyes.
Hi Guys I have been working on several ideas for superhero based stories and I have a few self published books. I want to take that next step and write novels rather than short stories.
I was wondering if people would like to read my first book – Southpaw Smith – about 6000 words long – and let me know their thoughts.
My aim is to take Southpaw in to a full novel.
Regards
Hey guys!
Harls again! B. Mac, can ya set me up a review forum? Please and thank you! X3
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here.
–Right now, the text I have on it is the default “please see the comments below,” but I’d like to replace it with a brief summary of your story.
–Please bookmark the page for easy access.
Thanks B. Mac!
Happy Saint Patty’s Day! X3
Or, rather *Have a Happy Saint Patty’s Day.
B.Mac…Have you received Chapter Eleven of ‘As Legends Walk’ yet? I’m not sure whether I managed to attach the chapter before sending you that message. I was kind of in a hurry this morning so…
Um, B.Mac I’ve been waiting quite a while for chaps 3-10. You said you’d be up to chapter 8 by the end of February and now it’s almost the end of March.
I think it’s just mine…I seriously must’ve peeved him off for some reason.
Hey! I’ve been lurking on this site for a long time (either under this handle or Miss Myna) and I’m finally starting to draft out this one story of mine, a review forum would be great. Thank you B. Mac!
You can put this at the top “A reckless kid with a drug that gives you powers, sets out to become a fake superhero—but little does he know that the real superheroes, are hiding even more lies than he is.”
I’ve set up your forum here, Myna. PS: I like your blurb.
Thank you very much! I’ll post the first bits of info (mostly character lists,as I tend to do those first) tomorrow afternoon.
I’m looking forward to it.
Ah, I should start writing my chapter 13 sometime tomorrow. I really can’t wait to really get into writing during spring break!
Hi bmac it’s me, again.
I wanted to know if there was any way you could update your list or do maybe “review forum of the week” or something like that to maybe encourage us to post more…
Just saying
Yeah, I haven’t updated the list of forums in months. ~90% of traffic to review forums comes through the recent comments widget, so the best way to stimulate new traffic is to post a comment on the forum, ideally another installment of the story. I have added your name to the list, though.
Thanks, right under your name. I am not worthy.
I’ve just finished chapter fourteen, and will submit it tonight. It was the strongest emotional reaction I’ve ever felt about writing a chapter even though it was rather short…
When will you be finished reviewing chapters twelve and thirteen?
Probably ~7-10 days?
Hey,
I was wondering if I could have a review forum? I’ve been lurking around your site for quite some time, and have even gotten up the nerve to post some questions a couple times
I’ve always been really impressed by the quality of this site. Now that I finally have some material to post, I would love it if someone would be willing to review it. Thanks!!
Echo
Sure, Echo. I’ve set it up for you here. For the text at the top, I used the default “Please see the comments below. Thanks!”, but if you’d like to use a summary or something else there, please let me know and I can insert it for you.
Just finished chapter fifteen, however…I’m not going to submit it for review until I get the results back from the earlier chapters…
Hi! This site has been very helpful to me. I’m currently writing a novel about the daily life of a superhero, and these articles have helped me develop my character. Could I please have a review forum for my work?
Welcome, Crystal! I’ve set it up for you here. Right now, the text at the top is “Crystal is writing a novel about the daily life of a superhero,” but please let me know if you’d like something different.
Thanks! The text at the top is fine. I should have Chapter 1 posted by tomorrow.
Hey B. Mac, I need another review forum. This time I have a fairly good idea of everything and I already have about a four page long plot summary, I just need some help because it gets a little dragged out at the end and gets repetetive. Also I really cant end it without a Deus ex Machina.
Heres the plot.
Guy Fails is sent to a small kingdom in the south called Illan by a man named William. He only accepts because of a promised bag of gold. Guy travels a bit but eventually gets there. Once there he meets a thief named Lillian. He instantly likes her, though it isn’t returned. He meets and plays parts in small skirmishes and keeps meeting Lillian. They are eventually pegged for a robbery they didn’t commit, the thieving of the King jewel. A very important gem in the history of Illan. They eventually track down a small cult and are able to retrieve the jewel to clear their name. Guy celebrates with booze, Lillian with robbing the jewel back and selling it on the black market.
Guy fails is drafted into the Illanian part of the Church of Serpece, his religion. He spends several day’s defending the church from drunks and atheists. Though eventually he comes to the church and its gone. People he talks to have never heard of it. He drinks away his sorrows, not the loss of the church but the loss of the ten gold pay. While drunk he decides to track down whoever made the church disappear. He goes after some of the atheists but they also don’t know anything. He eventually sobers up and finds Lillian by standing outside of a rich persons house. He talks her into helping even though she hasn’t heard of it either. They chase down leads until eventually they find out that it was never supposed to be there, it was built about two months. We also learn that Guy’s drunken rants actually built it in the first place by making people interested.
The Grand Illusion, a fantastic psychedelic carnival comes to Illan. Guy is excited and invites Lillian, who he finds the exact same way as before. She turns him down though and he goes to a bar. But he gets a pep talk from a friend named Bill and goes to the carnival anyway. There he sees Lillian and is surprised and thinks she’s changed her mind, but it figures out she’s here with her girlfriend. Guy thinks she’s a lesbian but actually she’s a bisexual and she didn’t go with him because he can be somewhat of a drunken dick. He tries to respond but the proprietor of the Grand Illusion, Mr. Edward Kite, comes out to invite everyone in. Guy is lost in the crowd and is swept inside. The show is fairly strange and exciting. But then it goes bad. Monsters come out and start to eat people, people disappear or other strange things. Guy finds Lillian, her girlfriend and Edward. They attempt find the exit but go through stranger and stranger events. Eventually Guy meets me, his writer, who proceeds to confuse him even more and to confirm that he is a drunk dick. Eventually they are able to manipulate the random events to find the exit. They are surrounded by sorcerers. They are able to kill some and drive the others off. Guy steals a kiss from Lillian.
Guy attempts to drink off what I said to him when he is brought before King Brian the Blessed. Brian takes Guy on as a protégé because of his fame in Illan. Guy gets a taste of he High life and meets some important people, though he misses Lillian terribly. Eventually Guy gets to meet the Papal leader of the Church of Serpece who tells him about the cult he got the jewel from in the beginning of the first book. He tries to tell Guy of there plans but the building is stormed by the forces of the Bishop King, a newly appointed leader of the Church of Lewis, a newly made religion. Guy escapes after failing at defending the Papacy. Then Illan itself is stormed. King Brian’s attempts at diplomacy fail. The forces of the Church of Lewis eventually enter and take over the one ‘pagan’ city. Guy is able to reach King Brian, who cant even leave his room, with the help of Lillian. Guy tells King Brian of the cult and Brian fills in what the Papacy was trying to tell him. That the Jewel was also an ancient magic gem given to the first king of Illan for warfare, to literally make his enemies disappear. But the King died before he could use it. Brian then connects the events of the first book to the cult, there was a church and the cult used the gem to destroy it, and used the sorcerers from the third chapter to wipe everyone’s minds of the church, because the couldn’t make it reappear. Lillian reveals she sold the gem on the black market, and that they could have been running it. Brian then reveals that he is not the actual king of Illan, that the prince had been a fairly evil person who knew what the gem was for. Brian, who was the princes bodyguard, was forced to kill him and take his place. Which was easy because he was on a two year travel. Guards then break in and capture Guy and Lillian.
Guy and Lillian are brought before the newly arrived Bishop King, who sentences them to jail and execution. Guy and Lillian are put in cells next to each other. They talk and Guy asks if she really thinks he’s a ‘drunken dick’ and she says that she may have been a little harsh, but he isn’t the nicest person around. Guy confirms this and they sit in silence for a while. But then a chunk of debris breaks the prison wall behind Guy. He looks out and sees the cultists are attacking the Church’s military. He tries to help Lillian but she makes him leave to try to fix things. Guy is able to avoid Templar’s and cultists and get to the Castle where a large group of cultists are storming the gates. Guy stays back until they get in and follows. He sees William talking to the Bishop King before he draws a weapon and attempts to stab him. The Bishop King takes the blade out from his torso and sand pours out. The Bishop King is a lich and destroys Williams forces in the throne room. Though William is unaffected because he holds the King’s Jewel. Guy decides to find Brian, who is under heavy guard from Templar’s. Guy is forced to fight them off and breaks in to find Brian unscathed though now emotionally broken. Guy tries everything to try and get him to leave. He tells him that the Bishop King is a lich and William has the King Jewel. Brian is unaffected until he tells Brian that he people of Illan are in danger from the war in the streets. Brian grabs his sword and they get to the ground floor where they over hear the Bishop King and William making the agreement that William will leave the city alone if the Bishop King will shatter the King Jewel. The Bishop King does so and William leaves with his forces. Guy and Brian escape the palace.
Brian and Guy get up a rebellion force and begin to plan. Guy takes some forces in an attempt to free Lillian, but she has been moved. Guy attempts to find her but is unsuccessful. Brian attempts to use contacts to get outside forces but he too cant do anything. The Bishop King dissolves the Templar’s for both their inability to prevent the battle, and because of their perceived heresy, in not being total extremist bigots. The rebellion is able to move more easily inside and outside the city. Brian is able to recruit a couple Templar’s to train there forces. Guy eventually learns that Lillian is being kept in the castle secretly for the Bishop Kings pleasure. Guy is able to sneak in again and he finds Lillian. They embrace, but when Guy asks Lillian why she would hug a ‘drunken dick’, Lillian says only because she hasn’t seen anyone in weeks, not because she likes him. He tries to get her out but guards come and he leaves at her telling him to. Guy sees Bill at a bar while Guy is attempting to drown his sorrows in beer, and Bill tells him about some force called the Inquisitors, who are elite extremists. Guy attempts to get this information to Brian, but is captured by the Inquisitors themselves. He is again brought before the Bishop King and Guy is egged on until he accidentally reveals that he knows the Bishop King is a Lich. The Bishop King decides to end Guy’s life then and there and almost beheads him. But Bill was able to get to Brian to tell him of the Inquisitors and Brian decided now to attempt to storm the castle.
The Bishop King is too preoccupied to notice Guy getting away and attempting to free Lillian. He succeeds and they kiss. Lillian tells Guy that he’s been through too much shit not to deserve one. They are able to get out after Guy is able to collect some shards of the King’s Jewel. They make it back the Brian and the rebellion. The entire city goes to war. They are able to push back the Inquisitors in the north with the Templar’s. But they are lagging in the south. Guy is able to make some throwing knifes out of the shards, because the Bishop King didn’t seem to be able to destroy it, just shatter it. And William was unaffected when he was holding it. He decides to attack the Bishop King without telling anyone so they wont follow him on a suicide mission. He walks through the streets untouched by the violence. He gets into the castle and confronts the Bishop King. The Bishop King is irritated by his constant interference and attempts to kill him, but the shards of the King’s Jewel block the magic and Guy is able to throw some of the throwing knifes into the Bishop King before the cultists return from the east and help the rebellion into completely decimating the Bishop Kings forces. The Bishop King decides to cut his losses and leaves. Brian and Lillian break in with the combined forces and are able to completely flush out the remaining Inquisitors. The cultists slink off and Brian retakes the throne. Guy and Lillian decide to go traveling and head north.
Lillian and Guy travel across the Teeth of Gaia, a huge mountain range north of Illan, and find themselves in the Southern Desert. They get to the capital and meet Bill and Guy introduces him to Lillian. They walk through the through the town and see some of the cultists. They follow them and find out that they intend to keep traveling north after they are done here. They see William and decide to stick around instead of continuing north. Guy is able to find out of a large important shrine to the earth god Gaia which is beset by the cultists, they are successful in keeping them away from a large orb in the shrines torso. Guy and Lillian are on edge and attempt to stop what ever plans William may have. The city has an ancient defense grid activate and it begins to assimilate the citizens into it. Guy and Lillian escape and are able to find the cultist’s plan, to keep everyone busy while they raid an ancient temple. They get there and confront William who is able to activate a gem sequence and activate something. William subdues them with his guards and takes one of the gems and leaves. After Guy and Lillian are able to disarm the systems they are able to leave and stop the defense grid. They are confronted though with the elder system, the thing the gems activated. It is a large air ship buried underneath the upper city. It is able to fly north with Guy and Lillian tagging along long enough to learn what it is intended for. It was one of the creations of Orion, one of the oldest beings in the universe, to guard the southern continent, though years of being shut off made it insane and all it wants is to die, Guy destroys most of its processors so he can land it and shut it off fully. It crashes and is quickly buried again in the sands of the desert. Guy and Lillian are able to get off and go decide to go north with their limited water and end up in the Southern Confederacy of Susti.
In the Southern Confederacy of Susti they run into a former Templar named Daniel. They learn that William had already been there and that he already went on. William went north and they go the same way. They make it through the forests and meet Cerestryo, the flaming man, one of the last mages alive. He had confronted William and was able to infer what he wanted. He wanted to bring down Lunair, the moon goddess and Orion’s wife so he could take her power for himself. They go north enough to find the cultists attacking the Dwarves, a mainly philosophical and religious race. They break in and attempt to find William. William is able to grab the item there and stabs Lillian before escaping while Guy tries to save her. Guy goes into catatonia from this and wont let go of her. In his coma he meets me again. I confirm his fears that she may actually be dead, but give him hope that she may be saved, but she will be weak for a while. Guy awakens and they get Lillian in a hospital bed.
While Lillian heals Guy and Cerestryo are able to research more. They also prepare a teleportation spell so they can get back to the Elder System. Guy is able to figure out where William is going. Deep into the land in the east. Land owned by the Church of Lewis. They get some of the Elves near the Dwarven lands to teleport with them. They teleport everyone (Guy, Cerestryo, Lillian, Daniel, and the elves)to the Elder System and get it back online. They go towards the East and are able to finally decimate the cultist and the Inquisitor forces. But its too late, William takes the Templar Flame and is able to summon down the Moon. William levitates up to it and lands on it. Guy leaps from the Elder Sytem and does the same. They fight and William reveals how everything ever was connected, from the events in Illan to now. Guy reveals he has the King’s Jewel and stabs William, but William simply pulls the blade out and laughs, for he is already immortal, and Guy is stuck on the moon with him as they meet God.
Okay. I don’t think I have the time to look at this right now, Crowley, but could you remind me to get on this if I haven’t done it by tomorrow? Thanks–I’m graduating today!
Well congratulations on graduating, B. Mac. Also, good job surviving the rapture.
B. Mac, again not meaning to be rude (I know you’re real busy right now, congrats on graduation btw) I’m just wondering if you saw my post in the review forum? You don’t need to critique that’s cool, I’m just wondering, I posted twice and both times there was no response? Jw. -Myna
Oh, sorry. I thought I posted my review yesterday? I guess it must not have gone through. Fortunately, I saved my response on my brother’s Japanese computer, so I’ll have him e-mail that to me as soon as his plane lands… tomorrow.
Anyway, I’ll have the full review for you tomorrow, but the gist of it was that it was good, but that the pacing and tone sometimes didn’t quite fit the situation (looking for clues after your dad nearly gets killed).
Okay, cool! I didn’t know you’d put it in, I was just curious. Thanks.
Sorry, I know that you’re kind of busy right now, but Chapter Two has been up for almost a month now, could you please review it?
Thanks in advance!
I think my review of your second chapter is here. But thanks for reminding me anyway!
PS: I will get on chapter 3 as soon as possible.
Um, actually, that was Chapter One. I had pretty bad timing posting Chapter Two…It’s right above your review.
Sorry!
I’m working on a comic. It’s not really traditional superheroes (they’re mostly ex-privateers) but Bridget was genetically engineered to have enhanced strength, agility, intelligence, and healing. I’d like the page to say the following:
“Freedom of the Void: Life wasn’t too bad for the crew of Saoirse (Sheer-sah). Sure they’d lost the war (well most of them anyway) and the Democratic-Republic* of Meridian has reinstated their control over the ring, with the exception of the Joumana System, and the only way they can eke out a living in this economy is thieving and smuggling, but things were relatively calm. That is until they rescue a young woman off a derelict who isn’t what she seems.
Freedom of the Void will be a series of 32 page comics, most of which will encompass a whole-nearly-stand-alone plot. The first issue has been written, just needs art. However, as it was the first comic script I ever successfully completed, it probably has my usual problem of too much dialogue, too small of a panel. I haven’t checked on it in the last month as I abandoned it for a story whose art I could do justice. Now I’m going back to it since I’m more inspired by this one.
*If you feel the need to repeat that your people are free, they usually aren’t.
PROJECT SUMMER HAIL
Project Summer Hail exists to create transgenic supersoldiers, mostly for black ops missions. They’re endowed with superior strength, agility, intelligence (they can solve complex math problems in their head and have eidetic memory), and healing (a little better than Buffy, nowhere near as good as Wolverine). Their entire lives they are trained to be soldiers, weapons. There was no play time while they were children; there was training, training, and weapons training. They learn how to be anyone the mission could call for. Most of them are experimented on at some point in their lives.
X-242 (Bridget Tereshkova) is one such transgenic. She escaped when she was sixteen after being assaulted by one of the guards. Fortunately for her, blind obedience had never been her strong point. After that she lived as a common thief occasionally joining up with a crew like Saoirse’s for a short period of time since the increased mobility makes her harder to find.
Her full backstory and profile will come out later.”
Alright, FOTV. I’ve set it up for you here. I’m looking forward to the pages.
After 5-10 pages, I’d recommend switching to email correspondence because I think it’s more discreet and because some publishers get surly about too much of a story being freely available online.
Thanks. I get what you’re saying but I’m not too worried about it as I’m publishing it online as well as in print (through Comixpress or Kablam). However, I suppose later I’ll’ want to limit the number of people who have advance knowledge of events in the comic- you know when I’m not desperate to double check that I’m doing it right. I’m actually fairly confident but we’ll see how I feel when I open the script for the first time in a month and a half.
Sounds good! I’m looking forward to it.
Hey B. Mac. Just here to remind you about my request for a new review forum for my new series. Also Ive been editing the plot and am a lot happier with the new one, in my opinion, the ending is better (as in, it actually ends) and I think I’ve given everyone a good reason for their actions. I’ll post it below.
Guy Fails is sent to a small kingdom in the south called Illan by a man named William. He only accepts because of a promised bag of gold. Guy travels a bit but eventually gets there. Once there he meets a thief named Lillian. He instantly likes her, though it isn’t returned. He meets and plays parts in small skirmishes and keeps meeting Lillian. They are eventually pegged for a robbery they didn’t commit, the thieving of the King Jewel. A very important gem in the history of Illan. They eventually track down a small cult and are able to retrieve the jewel to clear their name. Guy celebrates with booze, Lillian with robbing the jewel back and selling it on the black market.
Guy gets a job in the Illan branch of the Church of Serpece, his religion. He spends the days protecting the church from atheists and drunks. At night he tells a friend named Bill about how great it is. Though one day he arrives and everyone inside is paralyzed. He finds the cultists inside squabbling with some members of the Church of Lewis, a newer religion, who are also trying to find something. Guy is able to drive them off though the people have to be sent to a hospital to try and cure them. Guy looks back into the room and sees that some books are missing. He is fired for not being there when the cultists attacked.
The Grand Illusion, a fantastic psychedelic carnival comes to Illan. Guy is excited and invites Lillian, who he finds by standing in front of a rich persons house. She turns him down though and he goes to a bar. But he gets a pep talk from Bill and goes to the carnival anyway. There he sees Lillian and is surprised and thinks she’s changed her mind, but it figures out she’s here with her girlfriend. Guy assumes she’s a lesbian but she tells him she’s a bisexual and she didn’t go with him because he can be a drunken asshole. He tries to respond but the proprietor of the Grand Illusion, Mr. Edward Kite, comes out to invite everyone in. Guy is lost in the crowd and is swept inside. The show is fairly strange and exciting. But then it goes bad. Monsters come out and start to eat people, people disappear or other strange things. Guy finds Lillian, her girlfriend and Edward. They attempt find the exit but go through stranger and stranger events. Eventually Guy meets me, his writer, who proceeds to confuse him even more and to confirm that he is a drunken asshole. Eventually they are able to manipulate the random events to find the exit. They are surrounded by sorcerers. They are able to kill some and drive the others off. Guy steals a kiss from Lillian.
Guy attempts to drink off what I said to him when he is brought before King Brian the Blessed. Brian takes Guy on as a protégé because of his fame in Illan. Guy gets a taste of the high life and meets some important people, though he misses Lillian terribly. Guy uses some of the resources available to find out some things on the cultists. He cant find anything though. Illan is stormed by the military of the Church of Lewis. King Brian’s attempts at diplomacy fail. The forces of the Church of Lewis eventually take over the once ‘pagan’ city. Guy is able to reach King Brian, who is to be executed, with the help of Lillian. Brian tells them that he is not the actual king of Illan, that the prince had been a fairly evil person who was waiting to gain the throne for conquest. Brian, who was the prince’s bodyguard, was forced to kill him and take his place, which was easy because he was on a two year travel. Guards then break in and capture Guy and Lillian before Guy can ask if Brian knows what the Church of Lewis is after.
Guy and Lillian are brought before the newly arrived Bishop King, who sentences them to jail and execution. Guy and Lillian are put in cells next to each other. They talk and Guy asks if she really thinks he’s a drunken asshole and she says that she may have been a little harsh, but he isn’t the nicest person around. Guy confirms this and they sit in silence for a while. But then a chunk of debris breaks the prison wall behind Guy. He looks out and sees the cultists are attacking the church’s military. He tries to help Lillian but she makes him leave to try to fix things. Guy is able to avoid Templars and cultists and get to the castle where a large group of cultists are storming the gates. Guy stays back until they get in and follows. He sees William talking to the Bishop King before he draws a weapon and attempts to stab him. The Bishop King takes the blade out from his torso and sand pours out. The Bishop King is a lich and destroys Williams forces in the throne room. Though William is unaffected, both the Bishop King and Guy are shocked at this. William reveals to the Bishop King that they know each other. Guy decides to find Brian, who is under heavy guard from Templars. Guy is forced to fight them off and breaks in to find Brian was executed while he was incarcerated. Guy stands in sadness for the loss of his compatriot, but realizes that he has to leave. He gets back to the ground floor where he overhears the Bishop King and William agreeing to separate the city after William tells the Bishop King that the cultists greatly outnumber the Templar forces. William takes the south and the Bishop King takes the north. Guy leaves the castle and gets to the streets where the cultists are already slinking away.
Guy is able to get to a bar where he drinks himself into a stupor before he realizes he forgot Lillian. He is forced to break her out after attempting to bribe the guards, and legally attempting to free her don’t work. Guy spends the next few days attempting to get used to the northern city under the Church of Lewis’ rule, which many people agree is better than the southern cultist rule. Alcohol is outlawed and the rules have become stricter, but Guy is somehow able to handle himself, with moonshine and smuggled beer.
Eventually though he gets sick of the newer rules and decides to get his things in order and leave the city. He tries to get Lillian to come with him. She tells him that she cant, that she knows to many people in the city to leave. When Guy gets to the gate though, he is caught and put into solitary confinement before his execution.
We stay with Lillian and see her life after she thinks Guy leaves. She tries to rob a house but is nearly caught by a Templar. She decides that stealing may be easier in the southern city. She is nearly killed by the cultists, who somehow knew where she was. She begins to have arguments with her girlfriend, Susannah, over her robberies, which Susannah think are getting too dangerous, but Lillian proceeds to ignore her. Eventually Lillian gets home to find Susannah gone. We go to Bill who is playing piano at a popular pub. His shift ends and he leaves. He is almost mugged but is able to subdue his attackers. We see a couple days in his life. Eventually though the Templar connect him with Guy and Bill is taken into custody and ends up in jail waiting for executing. The Bishop King is attempting to control the northern city. We learn that he is gradually losing favor with his subjects for his increasingly violent way of solving things. He gets a message about his daughter having gone missing in Poit. He freaks out at this for reasons unknown and sends a message for a large chunk of his forces to go find her under penalty of death if they fail. We see William as he is searching for information. We see that he is also more of a messiah like figure for his subjects, which makes it easier for him to control things. He gets a message that Guy is in jail, and he sends him a package that will hopefully get him out.
Guy attempts to stay at least partially sane, but eventually I begin to flicker in and out of sight, Guy also sees himself on the moon. But mostly he begins to see some of his old life. Eventually Guy begins to see his first love Caitlyn appear and attempts to block out the bad memories. Eventually they overtake him. He remembers their first meeting in the spring market, where they began to like one another, though she was middle class and Guy was mostly broke. Guy snaps himself out of it with a piece of glass to the hand. Guy bandages it in his room when he looks out the window at the city and sees her and him in there second meeting. Where Guy offered to help her with her groceries, contemplating though if he should rob her. He doesn’t and they talk a bit. Guy tears himself away and attempts to drink it off. It succeeds for a while, but eventually he sees himself at the Horse Inn seeing Bill the same day. This is before Bill went blind and they talk. Guy tells Bill about Caitlyn and Bill is happy that Guy has found someone, though he also reminds Guy that he needs a job before he starts seeing anyone. Guy tells him that he isn’t even sure she like him back. Bill buy Guy some more beer until they are both drunk. Guy snaps out of it and cries himself to sleep, because he knows this wont stop soon. Guy wakes up refreshed and talks to me about what is happening. I confirm that it wont stop anytime soon. Guy starts to see him and Bill in the Market Revolts, working for the market as guards when people were starving because of a massive drought in the growing plains to the east. Guy and Bill are paid and given a discount by the merchants for their service. Guy uses this to get Caitlyn some groceries. Guy talks with me after snapping out of it. He asks me if he has a good or bad ending. I tell him what does he think it will be. He imagines himself as an old man on a street corner playing guitar for money. I tell him that it would most likely be a happier ending than that. Guy has gone for a few days without a flashback until he looks at an old painting on a wall of some of the outside forests during winter. He sees himself and Caitlyn walking through it after the Market Revolts. They kiss for the first time and continue their walk. At the end Guy sees Bill and tells him about it. Bill is happy for Guy, but tells him that they need new jobs if they are going to be staying the city for an extended period of time. They eventually get a job at the bar as a bartender for Guy and as the piano player for Bill. They get paid well enough and Guy is able to stay with Caitlyn. Guy tears himself away from the picture and talks to me about how its about to get to the bad parts, and tells me that he may be absorbed into the memories for a while. I tell him I’ll make sure no one disturbs him for a while. Guy walks into his room and sees Caitlyn drawing on the bed. Guy remembers that this is after they bought the house. Guy sinks even deeper into the memory and talks to Caitlyn. He asks if she has finished the drawing, she says she has. They kiss and eventually this leads to sex. They wake up the next morning and Guy goes down to the bar and meets Bill. Some royal from outside the city, the original Brian, comes in. Eventually Guys’ sarcasm annoys Brian enough to order his execution, but his bodyguard is able to sway him to let Guy live. Brian orders his imprisonment. Guy spends several days in the city jail before he is released. He is greeted outside of the prison by Bill who helps him stumble home after several days of little food. Bill gets to the front steps of Guys’ house when Caitlyn runs out to embrace Guy. They eventually get him up into his bedroom. Several days are spent with Caitlyn not leaving his side and Bill making him food. Eventually he his able to get back to work where he learns that he was fired. Guy returns to the house and starts to look for another job. He practices his guitar for the first time in several months and learns that he is still good at it. He starts to sell himself as a bard and gets a job at the town square during the mid winter festival telling stories. But the festival is crashed by the arrival of Orks. The Orks don’t start the fight that happens but they certainly end it. Guy survives and is able to find Bill, who was partially blinded and is now light sensitive. They go through the town and find that Caitlyn also lived, though now has a tiny wobble in her step and cant stand for long without pain. Guy and Caitlyn live life as normal for a few weeks as the Orks are rounded up. A heavy tax comes and Guy’s recent unemployment means that they have to sell Caitlyn’s drawings for little money. They are able to scrape by while the winter passes by and Guy is able to find a job in the transport of goods to the market. He is ambushed by Orks who of course cant buy from the market to feed themselves, and game is too scarce to move the tribe elsewhere. Guy strikes a deal with them. He will give them some food every week for what ever they feel like they should pay him. He is able to do this for a few months and him and Caitlyn live a good life for a while. He also gains some knowledge on Ork culture and begins to become friends with the tribe, learning some customs and that they want to be friends with the humans, but because of the Human/Ork wars, humanity demonizes them. But then the merchants catch on and they send the guard to capture Guy and he spends a few weeks in jail. This time though he is treated better and is able to walk himself home. He embraces Caitlyn and decides to invite Bill over for dinner. Bill is still partially blind but is able to find their house through memory. They eat and they let Bill leave after trying to convince him to stay for the night. Guy and Caitlyn make love by the moon light. Guy is again without a job. He is able to get his old job back at the bar and makes enough money to buy a ring for Caitlyn. He is going home with the ring when he sees that the house has been broken into. Guys house has been raided and Caitlyn is gone. Guy sees signs of a struggle and finds a sword from the city watch. Guy stumbles out of the city in a catatonic state and meets the Orks. He tells them what happened and the Orks storm the city. Many people die in the attack. Guy stumbles his way into the bar and sits at his job post. Bill comes in and tells Guy what’s going on outside. That the Orks have completely decimated the city guard and is slaughtering the market district. Guy tells Bill that he is responsible and after telling it to an astonished Bill again. Bill punches Guy across the face. Guy tells him what he found and what the city watch possibly did to Caitlyn but Bill tells him that that isn’t enough reason to kill an entire city full of people. Bill walks out on Guy. Guy sits there for days.
In the present, I wake Guy up and tell him a package arrived. Guy rips it apart and finds a copy of the Word of Lewis. He thinks of it as a joke, but begins to read through it anyway.
We see Lillian as she is thrown in prison when the Templars recognize her. She sits in darkness for a while before Bill strikes up a conversation. They eventually start to talk about Guy and Bill tells her what happened to Guy and him in Susti. Lillian agrees that Guy may have done the wrong thing. Bill tells her that Caitlyn is actually alive and with Guys’ child. She left Guy because of his alcoholism and his inability to hold down a job. They talk about other things as well and wait for their execution.
The Bishop King is having trouble stopping the Templar from skirmishes with the cultists. He finds that the King Jewel is important for whatever he is trying to do. William finds the same information and orders his soldiers to retrieve it.
Guy is near the end of a copy of the Word of Lewis and finds a loophole. He pretends to convert to Lewisism, because the Church of Lewis cannot execute a member of its flock. He passes by Bill and Lillian when the guards are dragging him off and tips them off about it. After they ‘convert’ they leave and see that the entire city has gone to hell. The Bishop King has declared martial law on the northern city, while the cultists have gone completely insane, firebombing and committing ritual suicide in the street. They are able to get to the pub Bill worked at and begin to plan an overthrow. Guy sends Lillian to see what the Bishop King is up to, while he will find out Williams plan. Guy is nearly killed several times by the cultists. But makes it to the hotel William has been staying at. He attempts to eavesdrop but William knows he’s there and tells him plainly that he is trying to get to the moon. Then he calls his guards. Guy gets out easily enough. She returns with knowledge that he plans something with the moon being a heavy factor. Guy thinks about some of the legends he knows that involves the moon. He cant think of a specific legend but thinks that they both are under the assumption that they can gain power through it. He begins to plan appropriately. He is able to form a small group of warriors from veterans of the Illanian army. They plan a raid on the castle. When Bill tries to remind him about William, Guy tells him that William isn’t the immediate threat because of his untrained forces, and that the castle is closer, so its less likely they‘d be noticed in time, lastly that they have weapons. The raid commences and the Templar, having grown lazy from lack of fighting, are unprepared. Everything is going alright until they reach the throne room. The Bishop King kills Guys forces and attempts to kill Guy as well, but not before taunting him. The Bishop King had his guard pay attention to Lillian and Bill. He tells Guy that Caitlyn left him because she didn’t want him to be a father. Guy, enraged by this, attacks the Bishop King, who is caught off guard because he thought Guy would just break down. Guy is able to lob off one of the Bishop Kings arms before being electrocuted. William comes in about then, having used Guy as a distraction. He tells the Bishop King that he has him surrounded. The Bishop King pays no attention until William mentions that he has the King Jewel. The Bishop King attempts to attack William but William uses a spell to freeze him in place. He tells the Bishop King something in secret then tells him that he has found a way to kill him, that he has found where he has been keeping his soul. He pulls out a little girl, the Bishop Kings daughter. The Bishop King begs him not to, but William pulls out a knife and kills her by slitting her throat. The Bishop King stares in disbelief and William then tells him that he will destroy him completely before killing him. William has every member of the Church of Lewis lined up outside. He makes the Bishop King admit to everything evil that he has done in the past, and to the fact that he is a lich. The people then watch as William lights the Bishop King on fire as he cradles his daughters lifeless corpse. William orders everyone to go inside and gets some of his cultists to take Guy to his hotel room.
Guy is sat down at a table and waits for William to arrive. William comes and is able to talk Guy out of his catatonia. William tells him that he wanted Guy in Illan was because of the fact that he is important for some reason. He isn’t a chosen one, or anything like that but he has a certain ability to make events happen when he is around. He has been using Guy to make his finding of information quicker than natural. He had done everything to make Guy interested in the cultists so he would act, which is when his powers begin to happen. Guy asks William what the moon is supposed to do for him. He reminds Guy of a historic person, named Rygar, and reminds him of the many stories where he supposedly talked to the moon, or was lead by the moon. Guy doesn’t get it and William tells him that the Moon is actually a form taken by a powerful deity, ironically from the religion Rygar was leader of for a while. He tells Guy that he and the Bishop King were the ones that killed Rygar those hundreds of years ago in a attempt to gain power. Guy asks if William is also a lich and William says that he and the Bishop King found different ways of becoming immortal. He then tells Guy that only he is aware of his and the Bishop Kings former acquaintance, the Bishop King assumed that he died a long time ago. William lets Guy leave, having no use for him and not having reason enough to justify killing him.
Guy is able to get out of the area and finds that people have started to rebel in the city. Guy’s movement has began to gain new members, including some former Templar. Guy tells them everything William told him. Bill and Lillian aren’t surprised. The get the troops prepared and attack that night when William goes to the throne room. The Cultists hold most of them off. William tells them to let Guy in to see his crowning achievement. He has drawn a circle in the ground around the throne and has finished the ritual. The circle breaks off from the ground and begins to float upwards. Guy leaps up onto it and they fly up into the sky. William is enraged that Guys to interfere. Guy makes a grab for the King Jewel. He struggles with William over control and Guy decides to use its magic and his own abilities and makes the moon break in half, thus releasing all of its magic so William cant get to it. William snaps and attacks Guy, who holds the King Jewel in front of him to block it. The Jewel shatters. William is thrown backwards into the throne. The ground begins to crumble and Guy falls. William continues up to the moon. Guy finds himself in the middle of nowhere and stumbles off. Years later, Guy is an old man living alone, having not seen Lillian or Bill in years. He thinks about what I had told him, about having a happy ending. There is a knock at the door and answers it. Its Bill and Lillian. Bill has regained his sight in the meantime. Guy happily embraces the both of them, they tell him that someone told them Guy was there. Guy lets them both in and shuts the door behind them.
Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Crowley. I’ve set it up for you here.
I have just posted my superhero ebook, I Am Become Death, to Kindle and Nook. I think this audience will like the original story, a blend of anime, superhero comics and political science.
Japanese teen Chikara Kaminari inherits a strange ring from her dead mother and is told to share it with her friends. Together, they will save the world from fanatical people. As the three develop fantastic powers, they must uncover the origin of the ring as they outsmart a mind-controlling classmate and stop several murderous villains. With each chapter, their destiny becomes more clear.
You can find it here…
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/I-Am-Become-Death-ebook/dp/B0058KSKHW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309375009&sr=8-1
Nook: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-am-become-death-aaron-miller/1104044182?ean=2940012789815&itm=1&usri=rocco%2bryg
Hello, Rocco. If you’d like to send me a review copy, I’d be willing to read and review it. If so, I can be reached at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com.
B. Mac, would you be able to set up a second review forum for me? I’ve kinda got the plot in my first review forum too convuluted, with too many characters stuck in my head and trying to stick too many themes together. I still plan on finishing that novel, i’m just taking a break from it and working on a storyline that I have planned in my head. It will contain some similar aspects to my other story but with a darker twist.
The protaganist of this novel is David Lawless, whose ability is reactive evolution. It results in him gaining a new ability whenever he believes that he is about to die, in order to prevent his death. He’s joined by John, a telepath, Alice, who can turn invisible and Adam, who scares people. Because he kills people.
They all attend a school set up to teach mutants how to control and improve their abilities run by the mysterious organisation the Mentors. It’s based in the military facility Fort Drum in New York state, with the co-operation and funding from various governments and secret services. At first it seems to good to be true, but David begins to learn the dark secret at the heart of the school.
Okay, got it here, NicKenny.
Thanks!
If it’s not too much trouble, could I get a review forum?
Okay, I’ve got it here, Grenac. If you’d like to include a summary of the story, please let me know and I’ll put that up in place of the generic “Please see the comments below.”
I guess you could put
“I’m writing a novel about a an ordinary girl who realizes her dream of becoming a superhero and comes to learn the harsh reality of what it means to be a hero.”
Man, I suck at summaries ;A; Suggestions anyone? My brain is literally fried here. I’m hungry and I want water so bad right now :B
At least now it’s cooler inside my room than it is outside, rather than the other way around.
Could I get a review forum? My summary is, “I’m writing a novel about two unlikely heroes who team up to defeat the creations of a mad scientist.”
I’ve set it up for you here, Tempo.
Can i please get a review forum for The Deepening Space?
Premise: When the son of a world-famous ecologist gets lost in the forbidding jungle, he finds himself on the rim of a civilization that has existed in subterranean silence for nearly a thousand years. His arrival signals the beginning of an imminent war against the oppressive government whose iron grip has held the citizens bound within the confines of a staged psychological experiment. Risking everything for a people who believe him to be a traitor, he must win a war that will save the citizens, and himself, from eternal subjugation.
Salazaris, that was an AMAZING premise. I want to read this really bad now…
Salazaris, I’ve set it up for you here.
Thank you! Text will come soon…
There you go Myna.
Can I please have a review forum?
Have writer’s block at the moment, so might as well get some feedback on what I’ve already written.
Sure. I’ve set it up here. If you’d like me to change the text at the top from “Please see the comments below,” please let me know.
Thanks, mate!
I’m writing a superhero graphic novel about a guy who wins a trip to space from a beer company. When an angel blood gets on his clothes, he develops a power and learns he must save the souls of mankind. I’m also doing all art in PowerPoint. Please take a look!
You’re making the art in PowerPoint?
B. Mac
I would really appreciate it if you can hook me up with a review forum I probably won’t use it right away but i will use it when im able to patent my characters. do you know how much it is to patent comic book characters? should I go by the cost of each character or should I go by the cost of 2 comic book series?
Okay, I’ve set it up for you here, MASH.
…
Patents are for inventions. Written works are covered by copyrights, which apply automatically as soon as you’ve written the work. If you’re in the United States, you’d have to pay $35 to register a work with the Copyright Office before you could sue somebody for copyright infringement, but your work is still protected by copyright even if you don’t register.
Thanks B. Mac
so it doesn’t matter how many characters you have for a title as long as they’re under the main title of the comic it’s 35 dollars for the written piece of work
Yes, but I wouldn’t recommend registering a work unless you have plans to immediately sue somebody or you have so much money lying around that you might plausibly want to spend thousands of dollars pursuing a lawsuit. You’ll never see those $35/$70 again…
Might I get a Review Forum up an running? I have a superhero novel and a bunch of superhero shorts I’m working on and I need people who read the genre to challenge me if I’m going to refine it.
Also, should I post a long chapter or story offsite and link to it?
Sure, I’ve added it here.
Thanks!
This’ll probably get lost in the sea of other comments, but since getting useful feedback in the ‘Superhero Visual Reference: Boots’ article, and having read the ‘How To Introduce Major Characters’ article, I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to see if I could post some examples of my own to see if I am making the same mistakes that others have before me.
Alright, DW, I’ve set it up here.
Hey, look! We’re so popular even the spam bots are checking us out.
- Wings
So I just found this website thanks to a good friend of mine, and all of the articles are already helping me out. I’ve recently started working on a novel, but my biggest problem is finding honest feedback from experienced writers and getting somewhere with my story.
I already have a prologue which is set two years before the story begins, and sets up the main characters background. I also have two finished chapters (although I feel that they’re too short) and a possible chapter although I’m thinking about scrapping the character that the chapter focuses on.
I’m also having some confidence issues in that I’m really young.
Do you think you could set up a review forum for me so I can get some feedback?
~Cypress~
Welcome to SN, we are pretty nice here and I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself. B.Mac should set set one up soon, excited to see what you have. I’m a comic book/novel writer by the way.
I was just reading something by B.Mac about how it’s usually not a good idea to start a story/chapter with a character waking up.
Normally I would agree with this, but I’ve read a few good novels that had good chapter starts even though it was the main character waking up. Usually it was after he had been captured in the last chapter.
Since I’m writing this really quickly it won’t be that great but I’ve had this floating around my head for the past hour and wanted to get it down.
———
The first thing that registered as I was slowly pulled out of the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness was the splitting pain in my skull. It was the same distinct pain that I had the last time I was drugged. If I opened my eyes and found myself in an unfamiliar room I would be very put out, and that’s putting it lightly.
I kept as still as possible, focusing on my surroundings as I became more aware. There was the buzz of voices just far away enough to be vague and indistinguishable, but still be heard. A cold surface beneath me, and something restraining wrists and ankles. Yep, it was all but official, another capture. It was like these people got some sort of thrill from tying me down and laughing in my face.
———-
This has nothing to do with the novel I’m working on right now, but I thought it was alright.
I was just reading something by B.Mac about how it’s usually not a good idea to start a story/chapter with a character waking up.
Normally I would agree with this, but I’ve read a few good novels that had good chapter starts even though it was the main character waking up. Usually it was after he had been captured in the last chapter.
Since I’m writing this really quickly it won’t be that great but I’ve had this floating around my head for the past hour and wanted to get it down.
———
The first thing that registered as I was slowly pulled out of the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness was the splitting pain in my skull. It was the same distinct pain that I had the last time I was drugged. If I opened my eyes and found myself in an unfamiliar room I would be very put out, and that’s putting it lightly.
I kept as still as possible, focusing on my surroundings as I became more aware. There was the buzz of voices just far away enough to be vague and indistinguishable, but still be heard. A cold surface beneath me, and something restraining wrists and ankles. Yep, it was all but official, another capture. It was like these people got some sort of thrill from tying me down and laughing in my face.
———-
This has nothing to do with the novel I’m working on right now, but I thought it was alright.
~Cypress~
I’ve set it up for you here, Cypress. Please let me know if you’d like me to replace the text at the top with something more interesting and/or informative than “Please see the comments below.”
B.Mac, could you replace the text with…
I’m currently working on a novel for the first time. I’m not looking to get published anytime soon, but I’ll take anything you can throw at me to improve my writing.
My story plot is a little vague right now since I’m still trying to figure out where I want the story to go so…
My novel’s focus is on Chirstena, she is about 25 years old and works as a secretary for the boss of a small mafia. She’s having issues coping with her life in the mafia after spending most of her time in a vigilante group that went after criminals who escaped justice. The story starts a year and a half after the death of the three other girls in her group that were like her sisters. Christena is both physically and mentally scarred from the bombing that kill her sisters, and is also forced to deal with an obsessed psychopath that she works for.
The story is currently being told in the POVs of Christena and her boss with a prologue that is two years before the story starts.
~Cypress~
Wassp Bmac, can I get a review forum?
Hi! I was wondering if you could set up a review forum for me. I’m writing a superhero novel and I have a scene I would like some comments on. Thanks!
I think it is best we see a bit of your story here before you get a review forum, so we have a taste of what we are going to be reviewing.
Oh. I didn’t know if I was allowed to do that
Really, I just want your feedback on one scene. This is a scene that’s near the beginning like maybe page 3.
I heard strange voices in my room. I slowly inched towards the door. The floorboards creaked with every step. Great. So much for a stealthy approach. I expected the voices to suddenly realize that I was coming. But they just kept talking. I took a deep breath and peeked around the corner. They had completely trashed my room. I didn’t just spend three weeks cleaning so that in the middle of the night two strange men could trash it. All of my books were on the floor, the dresser drawers had been emptied, school folders were strewn all over…they were definitely looking for something. I had a strange feeling I knew what it was. I reached my hand up to my neck and grasped the necklace. I slipped it inside my shirt. I looked over the two men. One had an eye patch. Unfortunately, he was bald too. It was all I could do not to laugh. I was getting robbed by a bald pirate. I sat back out of sight and went back to trying to figure out a plan. I had no idea what to do. I wasn’t exactly a martial arts expert and these guys had biceps the size of watermelons. While lost in my contemplations of that important life decision, they spotted me and were now approaching.
“Juliet Clarke. You have something of ours. We want it back. Give us the Graviton or else your planet will pay.” Mr. Bald Pirate threatened.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I lied. I hoped they would give up and just go away. But they didn’t. The two men studied me intently.
“We’ll have to take her to High Chairman for further questioning.” The other one finally said in a deep, menacing voice.
The one with the eye patch grabbed me and lifted me off the ground. Of course, the night I get kidnapped just had to be the night my parents finally decided to let me stay home alone. The man threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
“PUT ME DOWN!” I screamed. I started kicking and flailing like an angry chicken. They paid me no mind and flew out the window. I wasn’t really expecting that. I couldn’t believe they were flying…flying…like actual up-in-the-air-like-a-bird flying. Struggling to keep my balance, I admired the scenery. If I wasn’t being carried off against my will, it would have been magnificent. I could see the breath taking view of the lights as we flew over the city. But then I remembered that I was being kidnapped and it ruined the mood. Out of the blue, the other man grunted and was flung backwards. I craned my neck to see around the guy carrying me. I caught a glimpse of a dark blue shirt and then he disappeared. I wasn’t sure whether to be afraid or relieved. The invisible guy came after the bald pirate next. He punched the guy in the stomach and Baldy let me go. Did I forget to mention we were above the clouds? I passed airplanes on my way down. I’ve always wanted to free fall but maybe not from 50,000 feet. I screamed the whole time. At the last minute, I shoved my hands out and braced for impact. When I opened my eyes, I wasn’t dead. I was hovering above the ground with some sort of shield around me. I sort of freaked out when I saw that the shield was coming from me. Blue energy streamed from my hands. I yelped and balled them into fists. The shield disappeared and I hit the ground with a thud. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I stared at my hands for what seemed like forever. I didn’t even want to think about what might happen. What if I turned blue? And what if I hurt somebody? A voice woke me from my daydreams.
“MOVE!” it cried out. I looked up and found the unconscious bald pirate falling…right on top of me. Well, it was as good a time as ever to try my new found power. I thrust my hand out and covered my eyes. Seeing as how I wasn’t being suffocated by a buff kidnapper, I assumed it was working. I peeked through my fingers and saw that the man was floating upwards. A faint blue outline surrounded him. The only problem was he didn’t stop ascending. He kept going and going. I clenched my hands and he started falling again.
“I could use some help here!” I shouted. I really hoped the invisible guy had stuck around. I was suddenly grabbed from behind. I had forgotten about the other thug. He squeezed and I felt like my insides were being folded into origami. I was having a very hard time breathing. I started panicking. This is it. This is how I’m going to die, I thought. Not exactly what I had envisioned. Gasping for breath, I made one last attempt to escape. I jabbed him with my elbow and he howled in pain. I dropped to the ground, panting. My vision was going blurry. I don’t know where I hit him or why it worked but I crawled as fast as I could away from him. It wasn’t very far. I must have only gone two yards before I collapsed. I was positive the guy had broken one of my ribs. Coughing and gasping for air, I turned over and lay on my back. I looked into the sky and saw that Invisible Guy had come back. He and the thug were zipping through the air, punching and kicking. I closed my eyes and hoped I never saw a bald pirate again.
“Wake up.” Someone said. I squinted in reply. My eyes took a while to focus but when they did I was staring into startling green eyes. I jumped up and then regretted it.
“My head,” I moaned. I felt like I had been stepped on by the Green Giant himself.
“Are you ok?” The guy asked. I turned and finally got a good look at him. Short black hair. Sharp green eyes. Huge biceps. Nice six pack abs. This dude looked like he belonged on the front of I’m An Amazingly Buff College Age Guy Magazine. And no, I wasn’t impressed…nope.
“Yeah. I’ll probably be sore for the rest of my life but I’ll be fine,” I answered. “Who are you?”
“Call me Cache. And you are?” He extended his hand. I took it and replied:
“Juliet…Clarke. Juliet Clarke,” I said hesitantly.
“How long have you had your powers?” He asked.
“Um…two minutes,” His face was expressionless. He studied me as if he was deciding what to do with me. He sighed and shook his head.
“Come with me.” He moved to pick me up but I held up my hand.
“Thanks, but no thanks. Why should I trust you?” I questioned.
“I just saved your life. Need more?”
“No,” I said slowly, “But I think I can get myself there.”
“Whatever.” He turned and jetted into the sky. He hovered in over me and motioned for me to follow. Maybe I should have made sure that I could fly before I went off returning airline tickets.
“Up, up and away!” I said as I extended my arms towards the sky. Nothing. “To infinity and beyond! Um…Flame on?” I was still on the ground. Well, that was embarrassing. I closed my eyes and concentrated on what was inside. It was like there was something connecting me to the ground, a rope or chain of some sort. I separated myself from that ‘connection’ and felt myself lift off the ground. Yes, I did figure out how to fly. I just had to keep it up.
“So, Cache, is it? Where are you taking me?”
“Wal-Mart.” I laughed and then realized that he wasn’t.
“Oh. You weren’t kidding. Why in the world are we going to Wal-Mart?” I asked bewildered. ‘You’ll see’ was his only reply. We flew the rest of the way in silence. Which was fine with me, I needed all of my concentration to fly. Many times during that flight, I almost fell to my death. Cache didn’t seem too concerned by it. He just kept on flying.
He broke the silence by telling me to land in a wooded area behind the Wal-Mart. When we were on solid ground, I asked him why we didn’t just go in front.
“I have to change,” He replied shortly. I just now noticed that he was wearing a mask (like the ones in superhero movies), a fitted t-shirt and sweat pants. It was all navy blue except for a yellow triangle starting at his shoulders and went down to the middle of his chest. He made a circle with his finger, implying me to turn around. I obliged and twirled to face the back of the store. He changed surprisingly fast.
“Let’s move.” We moved to the front of the store and entered. He walked to the very back of the store.
“Is there a reason we’re sitting in a photo booth? If you wanted my picture, you only had to ask.” He just ignored me and punched a couple of buttons. Nothing happened for a couple seconds and then we were plunged down. I’m not a big roller coaster person seeing as how I get sick on a Ferris wheel. I covered my mouth with my hand and choked down the vomit in my throat. We hit the bottom with a jerk. I felt like I had been thrown in a dryer and put on the fast spin cycle. I staggered out of the seat.
“Isn’t there an easy way down?”
“That was the easy way.” He replied.
“Oh.” We were in a storage room filled with boxes. Cache bent down and moved a couple away to reveal a hand scanner.
“This is just like the movies!” I whispered. He rolled his eyes and put his hand on the scanner.
“Recognized: Cache. Agent 020” A computerized voice said. That sounded so cool.
Please give me your thoughts and constructive critizism
Thanks!
P.S. The sentences in present tense are supposed to be in italics because they’re her thoughts at that moment.
Hi, I was wondering if I could have a reveiw forum? I’m working on a story about various superheroes, fighting various villans who, as they figure out, are plotting to take over the world, and, among the villans, there are factions that plan to take out other factions when they take over the world, and then the last faction divides into factions, until its the ultimate power struggle between two supreme villans. In other words, if they manage to take control its like The Hunger Games, alliences can only be temporary. The story might also have various side-plots, such as the story of Shadow Assasin(Character) or what happend when half the superheroes werem conviced the other half of the heroes were evil(That idea is pending…)
Okay, I’ve set it up for you here, Legolas Arrow. Please bookmark it.
Actually, I prefer being caled Lego, but thanks!
i’d like a forum too. here’s a couple excerpts from my story. My main character is name is Tyler Jameson. He is 16 his mother is the great Laser, while his step-dad is the almighty Zeus. (equivalent of like superman) His step-brother Aaron Rodriguez (also 16) takes after the super powers of his father (flight, super-strength, and electricity) while Tyler takes his mothers power of heat vison, and his father (unknown to him until later) supper-speed. they are juniors in high school, so i’ve incorporated some high-school like themes such as popularity and the pressure to have a “hot” girlfriend. There are two heavy supporting characters named DeAndre (Icy Hot) and Kane (Scarlet Avenger). I’ve just started but i’ve put some real work into this. I’d really like some feed back.
Target audience (13 and up)
1.)“Tell that to the bad guys when they kick your ass” laughed their mom Laser. “Go to bed boys. You have training tomorrow and you’ll need your rest.” As the boys chased each other up the stairs their parents sat down at the kitchen table to talk.
“Do you think they’ll be ready Stan?” asked Laser to her husband
“For what Carol? A new high school year or the superhero life” joked Zeus.
“Both” replied Laser, a bit more relaxed at his answer. “Does Aaron know who his mother is?”
“Yeah. He took it a bit hard, but he’ll be all right. What about Tyler?”
“No. I think he could tell something was wrong from my reaction to his super-speed.”
“Are you gonna tell him anytime soon?”
“I’ll have to.”
2.) “Popularity gets you hot girls though.” Said Kane. Tyler nodded his head in agreement. As if on cue, Aaron’s girlfriend Vanessa came out of her sisters’ car and strolled over to Aaron. Boys all across the campus turned their heads and feasted their eyes of this godly sight. Her long, wavy black hair, tanned skin, round brown eyes, and cherry red lips were enough to turn most guys on. Her C-cups and her curvaceous figure accompanied an ass that turned even the heads of male teachers. Aaron sneered at the rest of the male population as his girlfriend planted a kiss on his cheek.
3.) “Stop staring bro” teased Aaron from a row behind. “Grow a pair and ask her out.” Aaron couldn’t understand why Tyler had a problem talking to girls when being his brother, Tyler could ask him for advice. Tyler, on the contrary, tried and failed to come up with an excuse for why he was staring. Lindsey got up from her seat and walked towards Tyler. With each step, her long silky legs came closer. Tyler could barely breathe and he felt his deodorant failing as he worked up a sweat. His mouth closed up and his left eye started to twitch ever so slightly. Just as he thought Lindsey was going to say something to him, she walked past him and began a conversation with Vanessa. The bell rang, and the teacher, Mr. Wilson, entered the classroom.
“To your seats everyone. Immediately.” He ordered in a deep, booming voice. Tyler, Aaron, and everyone else in the room could tell that this was not going to be the greatest of years. “You are all in your third year of high school and I expect you all to be much more mature than you were in your first to years. You all need to….” Mr. Wilson went on in a boring monotone, giving his introduction speech to the class that nobody truly cared about. Lindsey randomly looked behind her, and her eyes fell on Tyler. Tyler, who had been staring at her the entire time, smiled at Lindsey. Lindsey smiled back at Tyler, showing him her perfect, pearl white smile. Tyler turned bright red and suddenly felt very warm and fuzzy on the inside.
“Mr. Jameson, it’d do your grade well not to stare at Miss Summers for the entirety of this class.” Boomed Mr. Wilson.
“I wasn’t—That’s not t-t-true” Tyler barely stammered as he quickly looked the other way. The class filled with a roaring laughter and took its time settling down. Tyler felt his face burning with shame as he tried to make himself less visible by slouching in his chair. Lindsey was still giggling girlishly as she winked at Tyler. Tyler smile sheepishly, and then tried to concentrate on the class.
The rest of the day went by rather quickly, and when the last bell rang, Tyler hurried out of school. He met with Kane and DeAndre on the steps of the main building.
“I can’t believe we don’t have any classes together.” Said Kane as the boys proceeded to walk home.
“I know, shits wack.” Replied DeAndre. “It’s almost as bad as the fact that you haven’t got your powers yet.” He playfully jibed. Kane responded to this by putting DeAndre in one of his many chokeholds till DeAndre tapped out.
“Guys you’ll never believe what happened today” Tyler said.
“What?” his friends asked in unison.
“Mr. Wilson, my history teacher, caught me staring at Lindsey Summers, and totally called me out on it. It was so embarrassing.” Tyler’s’ friends howled with laughter as they heard this story. “It’s not funny guys” said Tyler.
“Yeah it is” said DeAndre as Kane struggled to catch his breath. “You got totally owned by a teacher. How is that not funny?” he questioned. Tyler unable to come up with a comeback, tried to change the subject.
4.)“There is a fight between superheroes and super villains down in Vera city. You can all watch on the screen in front, so we can keep an eye on these events.” On the screen, Tyler saw Zeus and Laser, he and Aaron’s parents, battling with his father’s arch nemesis, Hades. Hades had the similar powers of his father such as super-strength and flight, but he had the unique ability to raise the dead from the ground, and order them about. Aaron and Tyler glanced nervously at each other. Laser emitted a powerful series of blasts from her hands that wiped out a dozen skeletons. From what everyone could see, Hades was staging an attack on the mayor, and Zeus and Laser were trying to protect him. Along side Hades were the Demon and the Beast. The Beast was a master shape-shifter while Demon had the power of control over fire to go along with super strength and speed. Zeus used his signature move, the Master Lightning bolt. He charged it up to the cheers of everyone in the auditorium and threw it at the Beast who was in the middle of shape shifting between a gorilla and a snake. The shock sent him flying into the concrete, leaving him unconscious. Tyler found himself cheering along with everyone else in the auditorium. Hades manifested an army of half-dead humans. Laser was busy battling with Demon, leaving Zeus alone to battle this undead army and their leader. The situation seemed hopeless. That was until other superheroes arrived. Freeze and The Human Volcano (DeAndre’s’ Dad and Mom) came in with a flurry of hail and lava. John, Kane’s’ father, who was publicly known as the Savior, came his aid also. The cheers in the auditorium increased not only from students, but teachers as well. Tyler looked on with an increasing nervousness and worries and saw that Aaron had the same expression on his face. Hades flew into the air to take on Zeus in hand-to-hand combat. Tyler relaxed because he knew that this was his fathers’ strong suit. Hades feinted a right hook and instead, raised two zombies from the earth. These zombies latched onto Zeus and brought him down to the ground. After raising ten more to swarm Zeus, he looked for the mayor. He saw that Laser had taken the mayor to safer location after she’d beaten Demon. Hades, in a fit of rage, flew towards Laser, and began to throttle her. Tyler almost stood up to run to her aid before he realized three things.
1.) His mother was a professional and had encountered worse in her career.
2.) He didn’t have his costume yet.
3.) He would release his super powers to his entire high school.
He looked at Aaron and saw a small amount of fear in his eyes too. The Human Volcano blasted Hades in the back, burning him with an extreme amount of pain. Laser struck him in the chest with some heat vision to his chest. Hades reeled backwards, only being stopped by the hard pavement. Beast tossed aside a slightly unconscious Freeze while he was in the form of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. He next used his tail to smack the Human Volcano deep into the water. Zeus and Savior were still preoccupied by the last remnants of the zombie army and Hades that they failed to stop what happened next. Beast, still in the form of a T-rex, stomped on Laser repeatedly. Tyler felt a sick feeling gripping his stomach. Laser then burned a hole through the feet of Beast causing him to revert back to his normal form, with a bloody foot. She lied there, and tried to recover a bit. Zeus grappled with Hades as Savior finished of the zombie army. Hades then delivered a crushing blow to the ribs of Zeus. CRRRAAACCK!!!! Zeus felt the cracks in his ribs as he flew into the concrete on top of his wife. Hades snapped his fingers and two zombies responded to his unspoken commands. They held Savoir in a full nelson. Before Freeze or the Human Volcano could fire a blast, Hades tore the heart out from the chest of Savior. Hades squeezed the heart in his hand until it burst, spraying blood everywhere. Zeus attacked Hades with renewed vigor but Hades escaped quickly along with his cronies Beast and Demon in his Death Jet. The T.V. in the auditorium turned off abruptly. There was a prolonged silence. Tyler, DeAndre, and Aaron all stared at Kane, who seemed dumbfounded. It was clear that Kane was in shock. School was adjourned for the rest of the day.
5.)As Kane, DeAndre, and Tyler were walking home from school, they saw two guys dressed in black leather jacks and blue jeans. They were about 6 ft.1 each and were terrorizing a much smaller man. The boys quickly hid behind a large dumpster.
“What do we do?” asked DeAndre in panic. “We have to help the guy, he’s getting his ass kicked!”
“I don’t know and we can’t use our super powers out of costume.” Tyler replied desperately trying to think of a plan.
“That’s why I’m wearing mine.” Kane said. He began tearing his clothes of to reveal his blood red, black tattooed costume. He reached into his backpack and took out a mask that covered his entire head. On it were two black, sideways raindrop shaped, eye covers that were see-through only from the wearer’s view. As he put it on, Tyler and DeAndre looked to see the smaller man cough up blood while in fetal position. As they looked back at Kane, they saw his with two Berretta 92’s strapped to the outside of each of his thighs. Attached to his belt were two packs of twelve throwing knives, and he wore a loaded crossbow on his back.
“You’re not going to—you know, kill them are you?” Tyler spoke feebly, fearing what his friends answer would be.
“I’ll do what I have to do” Kane replied in a dark voice.
“Don’t do anything stupid!” DeAndre said as he got up to stop Kane. Kane shoved him down and walked towards the battle.
“Hey, losers, wanna fight?” he taunted.
“Who the fuck are you? You supposed to be some superhero?” replied Goon 1 in a heavy Italian accent.
“Yeah nice costume fag.” Laughed Goon 2. Kane, now with his anger built up, ran towards the men. Before they could blink, he delivered a flying kick the Goon 1. Goon 1 was sent sprawling five yards away. Goon 2 pulled a knife and tried to stab Kane. Kane, using his superior reactions, caught the man’s wrist with his left hand. In one fluid motion, he pulled out his gun from his right thigh strap and shot the man in the shoulder. BAM! CRAAACK! It wasn’t hard to hear the gunshot or the cracking of bone as blood sprang from Goon 2’s shoulder. He cried out and fell over, grabbing his shoulder. Before Tyler and DeAndre could warn Kane, Goon 1 had gotten up and fired two shots from his own Glock 23. Kane dodged and easily slid his crossbow from where it was strapped on his back. Kane released two crossbow bolts into the neck of Goon 1. Goon 1’s hands instantly went to his neck, and he felt two protruding bolts. He sank to his knees and then lay down in his own blood on the cold street. Goon 2 was trying to get up to run away, but Kane kicked him down. He pulled out his Berretta and shot Goon 2 between the eyes.
Tyler and DeAndre felt sick to their stomachs. DeAndre puked up his lunch of pepperoni pizza with Caesar salad. Tyler followed in suit, throwing up his three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
“What the hell? Are you guys ok?” said Kane as he was walking back towards them, his battle goods in hand.
“You, you, y-y-you killed them!” Tyler barely managed to get out the accusation to his friend. “Who the hell are you because you’re not Kane?”
“I’m the Scarlet Avenger. Destroyer of all things evil.” Kane said with a chuckle. “I’ve been doing this for weeks now. I go into the city and take out a couple bad guys. It’s really nothing much. I just kill them and take their weapons.”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT SUPERHERO’S DO!” yelled Tyler. “WE PROTECT THE PUBLIC, NOT KILL PEOPLE!”
“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” agreed DeAndre. “Just because your parents were murdered doesn’t mean you have the right to go around killing who ever you want.”
Kane, now livid, roared back “THAT GIVES ME EVERY FREAKING RIGHT. TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS AGAIN AND I’LL KILL YOU. I DON’T MAKE EMPTY THREATS.” “I have the worst power possible. I’m not even really a superhero. I’m just at the peak of physical condition.”
Before Tyler or DeAndre could respond, shot rang out from a Benelli M3. Tyler, without thinking, used his super-speed to tackle both Kane and DeAndre out of the way. A man, dressed the same as Goons 1 and 2, was holding the shotgun. Kane leapt up and threw a throwing knife in the man’s direction. It struck Goon 3 in the hand, making him drop his gun. Kane rushed upon him and stamped on his neck. Just as he was about to shoot him, Tyler tackled Kane and DeAndre froze his hand. Goon 3 got back in his car and drove off.
“What the hell you guys?” asked Kane as he tossed Tyler off of him.
“I couldn’t let you kill another person, not again.” Tyler said.
“Yeah, me too.” DeAndre said.
“Um, Excuse me,” said the smaller man who’d been up earlier. “Thank you boys for saving my life. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem” said Kane. ‘I’m glad to help.” They watched the man scurry along until he disappeared from view. Refusing to say anymore, the boys parted ways.
All feedback is helpful!!
YoungAuthor, I have no clue what high school you’re going to, because those “themes” sound outdated. In my high school, the freshmen and sophomores were more focused on acting like immature children, having fun, hanging out with friends and such. The juniors and seniors were buckling down and studying, focusing on college, grades, part-time jobs and things like that.
Popularity doesn’t really seem to be a concern much anymore. There’s pressure to fit in, not necessarily to be popular. And guys aren’t so much as looking for the “hot” girlfried as they are looking for the easy girl. And even that’s not too much of a big deal.
i actually go to high school so i think i know what’s going on. Popuarity may not be much of a concern anymore? there is pressure to fit, your right, but there is also pressure to be popular. being popular means getting invited to parties. Everyone, wheather they admit it or not, likes going to parties. Parties= getting action. your right about the easy girl part too, but every guy (i speak for probably around 90% of guys, popular or otherwise) like hot girls. There’s always that one or two or how ever many number of hot girls that guys want to be their girlfriend. it’s in human nature to stare at pretty things. it’s male nature to be aroused at attractive girls. Trust me, getting girls is a very big deal for the male population in high school. the more popular you are, the bigger a deal it is. Thank you for your feedback as it has helped me come up with some ideas for my story!
My school has groups, ones that don’t really mingle, so popularity isn’t an issue, so much as just not being forever alone. But the juniors and seniors are more focused on other things, getting a girlfriend/boyfriend is a plus
I’m glad. I didn’t mean to be an ass, but it would be really blah if those two themes were the only concerns for your characters. There’s room for a lot more.
no its fine, i used that to make revisions to my story. not to be cocky, but im like a prep in my school (prep= the like really popular kids) so i just used some of the stuff i noticed around. and i just used two basic themes, because im writing a superhero story, not a high school drama. Thanks though, all comments are welcome.
“Popularity doesn’t really seem to be a concern much anymore.” I think everybody has a different experience. That said, the cliche where some cliques are uniformly unpopular and other cliques rule the school bears no resemblance to my high school experience (about 5-10 years ago). Personally, I worked the Henry Kissinger/scholarly sex symbol angle. I’m not sure if it worked or not, but I was voted Most Likely to Be an Abercrombie & Fitch Centerfold. (It might have been the senior class prank and/or the best get-out-the-vote effort by friends ever–”Once You’ve Seen The Mac, You Don’t Go Back,” “B. Mac Today, Be Macking Tomorrow,” etc).
In my high school, there were definitely lepers/pariahs that nobody wanted to go near*, but of the remaining 95%, I didn’t get the impression that anybody was substantially more popular. It definitely wasn’t one of those Hollywood-imagined schools where pretty much every student can name the stars of the football team (although our football team did make it to the Illinois state finals once).
*By the way, if somebody happened to be one of the lepers, I don’t think anybody would blame him if he treated popularity as a major concern. That said, in my experience, popularity was not a major concern for most guys. It might have been different for ladies. I’ve heard some stories there.
“And guys aren’t so much as looking for the “hot” girlfriend as they are looking for the easy girl.” I think that there’s substantial room to go either way there. Personally, when speaking with friends about romantic interests, we talk more about hotness than easiness and not all that much about either. Then again, your experiences may vary.
so can i get a forum please?
I’m sorry, YA, but I don’t see this working out well here.
huh?
I know exactly what a prep is. In my case, I am the lovable cynic everybody loves
Well, minus the people I manage to offend during my rants.
I avoided abbreviating his name because all I could think of is YOUNG ADULT NOVEL.
HomuHomu-Thats the play on words i was kinda going for
B. Mac.- i’m just writing like a base story for my story. Once i finish that i’m going to do A LOT or rewriting and editing before i even think about trying to get it published. For example- i have only 36 pages and 9,925 words. I’m aiming for around 200+ pages. (aim high, expect low.) but anyways im just asking around for some advice to make my story better. this was the first site that came up when i looked up help for superhero writing stories so i came here, and its helped a lot. your concerns are welcome, and i’d like to hear them so that i can better my story, but i’d still like a forum.
If you’d like to discuss this, YoungAuthor, I can be reached via email at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com.
Wow b.mac so blunt and kinda harsh I’m pretty sure u didnt mean it that way but that’s how it came off as.Maybe a better choice of wording In the future.You’re suppose to help not crush dreams and hopes.
i’ve sent you an email, and i hope that you didnt mean to be harsh
“Wow b.mac so blunt and kinda harsh I’m pretty sure u didnt mean it that way but that’s how it came off as.Maybe a better choice of wording In the future.” I would appreciate any suggestions regarding the wording and am always trying to hone my diplomatic skills, but personally I feel it’d be hard to phrase it more gently than I did. We’re not exactly in Evil Editor territory here. (Don’t get me wrong; I love EE, but his style can be a bit intense for newcomers).
Maybe I have my concerns would’ve been more suitable.
Hey YoungAuthor if you dont mind me asking you, what city have you lived in most of your life?
I know it’s kind of random but there is a significant reason behind me asking you.
Please reply….PraiseYahshua!
PraiseYashua- I’ll give you a region instead of cities, seeing as we are on the internet and i don’t know you. The Northeast.
It’s ok, at least he didn’t lie to me. he said the truth and it made me take a good long hard look at my writing. He wasn’t trying to be mean. I can take critizcism. (spelled wrong).
Ok then alls good
yeah its ok. btw i made post on the action scene forum so if people could look at that and make some helping comments that would be great!