Mar 03 2009
Review Forums
Review forums are forums where an author can post his material and get reader feedback. It’s similar to online writing workshops like Critters, but on Critters you have to wait six weeks to post one story and then six weeks to post the next. That’s a long time to wait for (typically) around ten reviews. On your review forum, you can post as much as you want, whenever you want. If you’d like a review forum, please leave a comment here and we’ll set one up for you.
If you have other questions about review forums, please see this article.
These are some of the review forums we currently host. I’ve bolded a few of my favorites.
- Holliequ– “I’m writing a fantasy novel about two teenagers trapped in a strange world of gods and magic.”
- Ragged Boy– “I’m currently writing a sci-fi superhero comic book. It’s about a young actor from the hood named Adrian, who is plunged into the middle of an intergalactic contest/experiment. He dons the identity of Showtime and faces mysterious villains as he fights his way through the contest.”
- ReTARDISed Whovian– “I’m mainly working on a superhero novel about a 16 year-old boy. He was abandoned in our universe as a baby and was raised as a human. He uses his superpowers to fight crime. He is trying to prevent his girlfriend from revealing his secret and to defeat a villain with a grudge.”
- Tom — mainly writing scripts for a superhero TV show about four superpowered teenagers.
- Wings– “I’m working on a superhero novel called How to Save the World, about a group of teens given superpowers by a mysterious chemical. They struggle to defeat the power-hungry Scarlet and free his hypnotized minions. They also have to unravel the mystery of their powers and make sure the outside world never finds out.”
- B. Mac– mainly working on the Superhero Nation comic book and a nonfiction book about how to write superhero stories. He runs this website.
- Brett– mainly working on a fantasy novel.
- Lunajamnia– mainly working on a superhero novel.
- Dforce– mainly working on two superhero comic books.
- Wings 2–”This forum is where I work on Darkstar Rising, another superhero novel about a rogue superhuman who works for both good and evil, a superhero team without a leader, a group of villains that is not what it seems, and a mastermind who seeks to rid the world of them all. I may also discuss my other, future, works here.”
- Retardised Whovian 2–
- Becca
- Lighting Man
- Avi Arun– “I’m working on a superhero-themed thriller.”
- Avi Arun 2– “I’m mainly working on a supernatural superhero comedy about a hero trying to find the origin of his powers.”
- Halfbakery– mainly working on a futuristic sci-fi novel.
- Chi.Ro — mainly working on a sci-fi superhero novel.
- Yogesh — mainly working on a fantasy novel.
- Dr. Eagle G– mainly working on a comedic superhero novel about a hero without any powers.
- Wade
- Asaya
- Gurion Omega
- Gurion Omega 2
- Marissa
- Trollitrade– Do Tell Trinket
- Trollitrade – Candy Land.
- Frank– mainly working on a superhero novel.
- Stefan the Exploding Man
- Fitz
- Kynnaston
- Andy
- Call of Cthulhu– “I’ve been mostly working on a super-hero novel where a zombie invasion is one of the main plot-points. I’m trying to distance it from Marvel Zombies as much as possible, of course.”
- Collision
- Dinhilion
- Ham
- Troy
- Mack
- Psycho Child
- Sandman
- Eren Ramzi
- Shard Reaper
- Trek Fan– he’s mainly working on a superhero novel titled The Black Maverick.
- Michael Leza
- Thablue
- Jmilb
- StarE
- Fox
- Ghost
- SVT
- Kuro
- BrainStormer
- Trek Fan
- Faraway Soul
- Black Cat
- Call
- The Chozen
- If you’d like a review forum, just leave a comment and we can usually set one up within a day.
Hey, this is pretty cool. But I’d suggest you leave the Review Forum tabs on the sidebar, too (it’s easier for a newbie, like I once was, to look at without searching for it, and its a little friendlier- it lets people know that they, too, can have one)… well, that’s what I think, anyway.
And uh, I’m working on a comic book btw. Two, actually.
This is awesome. I’ve noticed a large increase in productivity this month. From a wave of newcomers to the various stories now floating along. I need to get on more often so I can help review more. Usually, by the time I get to someones review forum they’ve already received all the assistance they need.
You could use my short synopsis in my forum as its introductory sentence here.
Also, I’m glad that you like my story. Sincere encouragement is hard to find nowadays.
YES!
Now I can finally find my own forum!
- Wings the Excited
Yeah, I’ll leave the Review Forums links up on the side-bar as well.
Good, thank you.
- Wings the Thankful
Not quite like Critters, ‘tho. Critters is password-protected. Publishing issues, y’know.
Critters passwords are given out like candy, so they don’t really do much to keep someone dedicated from seeing your work. However, there’s a legal distinction. If you’d like, we can set up a password for your review-forum like “password” or something else obvious to your readers. That way you will retain those legal benefits without losing too many readers on the password block. Any password will reduce the amount of people that participate in your forum, though.
Bingo. They make a big deal out of the restriction and proceed to let anyone in that asks for it. Maybe its real purpose is to limit troublemakers.
Possibly. I imagine there might be occasional problems with reviewers that are so ridiculously unfriendly that they have to be banned. (I’ve heard some horror stories). The password might make the ban a little bit more meaningful.
Also, I get the impression that Critters wants to keep its audience manageably small. The password helps the site feel exclusive. Also, having people wait for a password helps weed out the marginally-interested.
I’m starting to work on a hero novel in my spare time. I take criticism well, but I normally read Fantasy books just because I’m not too big of a fan of most of the established superheros in novel form out there. I’ve written a story starter, and I want some feedback to see if my style of writing is even somewhat interesting.
Paragraph starts:
Paragon Lost (horrible title, will change it later)
The volume on the television was blaring. The electric glow illuminated the silhouette of a man sleeping in a recliner. His five-day beard growth was full of crumbs and smelled like the cheap beer that was once in the numerous bottles that littered the floor of his studio apartment.
<>
The man in the recliner didn’t move. He had heard and processed the news report in his sleep. Old habits die hard. He rolled over in his drunken stupor and mumbled, “Paragon’s not in right now. Leave a message…” and drifted back to sleep.
Correction to the post above. Some of my formatting stripped out a whole paragraph of what I wrote. Here is the corrected version.
The volume on the television was blaring. The electric glow illuminated the silhouette of a man sleeping in a recliner. His five-day beard growth was full of crumbs and smelled like the cheap beer that was once in the numerous bottles that littered the floor of his studio apartment.
{{…and now for WTTT breaking news. The super villain known only as SkullJack has taken control of the New Phoenix Children’s Hospital and intends to hold the city ransom until Mayor Blackridge officially transfers control of the city to him. Initial reports coming in from the NPPD say he and his men have at least 120 hostages on the top four floors of the building. Although it has yet to be substantiated, it’s been reported that he announced over the hospital’s public address system that for every half-hour passed that his demands weren’t met, he would throw a hostage out a window, starting with the nursery ward. This is the seventh attack by SkullJack in a week-long crime spree. With SkullJack running wild, the question on the mind of every citizen is “Where are you Paragon?”…}}
The man in the recliner didn’t move. He had heard and processed the news report in his sleep. Old habits die hard. He rolled over in his drunken stupor and mumbled, “Paragon’s not in right now. Leave a message…” and drifted back to sleep.
Small Request: Could you please add a “superhero” between sci-fi and comic in my short synopsis above?
Thanks.
Where’s mine? *sadface*
Ack, I forgot to update the review forums page. I just added you in. Would you like to write a 1-2 sentence synopsis for your work?
Umm… Okay, I’ll probably ask to change it later on-
‘Writing scripts for a superhero TV show about four superpowered teenagers’.
Ok, got it.
Could you add . . .
“mainly working on a fantasy novel about two teenagers, Victor and Zoe, trapped in a strange world of gods and magic.”
. . . to mine, please?
Ok.
Could you add “mainly working on a superhero novel about a boy named Isaac. He is trying to prevent his girlfriend from revealing his secret and defeat a villain with a grudge” next to mine please? Thanks.
Shouldn’t this list be in alphabetical order? (B. Mac, if you make it in alphabetical order, your name will be first.
)
Hmm, I don’t like alphabetical order. I think it’s fine in somewhat chronological order.
Jacob explained it to me this way.
1) For the sake of our readers, it would be best if we had some sort of quality rating. In this case, Jacob personally selected a few that had tons of comments, would appeal to a wide audience and showed a lot of improvement. Aside from Jacob’s choices at the top, the remaining forums are mostly listed from first created to last created. However, if a forum hasn’t been active for a few months, we may move it down. If the author has posted consistently and frequently, we’ll move it up.
2) Mine is not at the top. I don’t want people to feel like this is some sort of trick to create another venue to advertise my writing. Also, my review forum is hard to follow because my posts aren’t continuous. In contrast, Brett and Holliequ and Ragged Boy started with chapter 1 or panel 1 and then wrote in sequence. That’s much more reader-friendly.
3) The main thing about ranking is that we want to suggest a few without getting people too upset about “why isn’t my forum as high as that one!?!” I feel that sort of competitiveness is well-intentioned but usually comes across as petty. Please don’t get hung up about who’s ranked where… more than 80% of the people that read review forums use the “Recent Comments” widget on the left-side.
Yeah I’ve noticed how useful that ‘recent comments’ thing is. Is there any place where we can access the ‘archive’ of recent comments? That would be a useful feature.
Not that I know of. That was one of the reasons we introduced review forums, actually… to make it easier to follow up on comments from weeks ago.
Hello, I’m new here, I’m currently writing a comedic superhero novel about a superhero with no powers and this site has been immensely helpful in the day or so I’ve been reading it.
I’d like a review forum. Am I going about it the right way? Do I have to be initiated first? Am I even asking the right questions? Who am I? Who are you?
Help!
Hello, I’m Ragged Boy, Raggs for short. I think you’ve done enough. We’re not some elusive club of writing psychos and terrorists (yet).
When B. Mac gets on he can open up a forum for you.
Excellent.
Many thanks to you and your various family members.
Ok, got it. You can see it here. Hmm, that was 25 minutes from request-to-setup. I think that’s a new record for us.
[UPDATE: In the month since, we've done four in under five minutes, including two at three minutes].
Hey, thanks for the speedy turnaround.
In honour of this, I just stood up and spun around, thus completing my own speedy turnaround.
Ho ho ho.
Now then, is there any type of etiquette or protocol I should be aware of when using the review forums?
We give a lot of leeway to authors within their own review forums. Here are a few suggestions.
1. It will be much easier to convince readers to stay (and return) if the writing is organized in a logical fashion. For example, going from chapter 1 to 2 to 3 is the easiest way to introduce readers to a story as it unfolds.
2. The surest way to get people commenting on your review forum is to post new material and to get involved in others’ review forums.
3. Be polite.
4. Don’t let reviews get you defensive.
Sounds like a plan. Thanks for your help, Colonel!
Oh sorry, one more question, is there a way to format what you write in the notes section? (bold, underline etc).
Thankee.
Yeah. Our commenters can format their comments with some HTML code.
The tag for underline is u.
Sorry, I didn’t know how to create a review forum. That’s why I have been posting on other things a lot.
Just ask, Wade.
B. Mac, you mean?
I didn’t mean is like ” ask Wade,” I meant “ask, Wade.” As in I was talking to Wade when I was speaking.
Sorry, my mistake for my phrasing.
Oh, by the way… Wade, I set up your forum here.
Thanks.
I would like a review forum to be set up for me.
“I am writing a science fiction novel called ‘The King’s Coin’. It’s about a very old coin, recovered in modern age, that has the property to absorb or transfer energy. The story revolves around journalist Clue, his allies and foes, fighting with one another for the possession of the coin, while clue must find out the mysterious origin of the coin before it gradually loses its potential”.
Ok, Avi. I set it up for you here.
Hey B.Mac. Can I get a review forum too?
Once more.
Superhero Nation
Hooray, I did it right!
Hi, Fitz. I’ve set up your review forum here.
Say, B. Mac, can you put this in my forum’s description?
“I’m working on a superhero novel called How to Save the World, and, eventually, its sequel. The plotline revolves around a group of teens given superpowers by a mysterious chemical and their struggle to defeat the power-hungry Scarlet, to free his hypnotized minions, to unravel the mystery of their powers, and to make sure the outside world never finds out.”
- Wings the Awesome One
Got it.
B. Mac, I’ve got a question for you.
I’m very… selective, let’s call it, of whose criticism I trust before I’ve got at least my third draft of things. Call it an inflated ego, but I’m positive I know what I’m doing 90% of the time, and the other 10%, I’ve got a few specific questions that could fix.
However, I’ve been coming up with all kinds of questions I’d like advice on that relate to my story but don’t actually reference excerpts.
My question is:
Does a review forum have to be for reviewing sections of writing, specifically? Or can it be for getting advice, as well?
For example, my first question is going to be, “What do you think life/the world/America is going to be like in fifty years?” I’ll specify what I have already so none of it contradicts. It will help me with my setting, make sure I’ve got no setting-related plotholes.
I use my review forum for getting bits and pieces of my work reviewed, but I generally ask questions on relevant articles. For example, I’ll post a paragraph on my forum but ask about personalities for my characters on “List of Character Traits”.
To each their own, ask questions on your forum if you want.
Personally, I think life will be a bit different but not radically. In the 1920’s they thought we’d be living on the moon right now.
We’ll have new technology. In just the last 30 years we’ve had PlayStation, computers, iPods and the like, so we should have a hell of a lot more by 2059.
I hope the world will get over prejudice and problems like famine, AIDS, cancer and pollution will be stopped, brought under control or progressing towards a resolution. I have no idea for what the US will be like, because I’ve never been.
Well, thank you very much, RW, though I was totally fine with waiting until I got a forum set up. If I were allowed to use it for that, I mean.
No problem.
I’ve set up a review forum for you here, Marissa. Feel free to use it however you’d like.
Thank you very much.
@ B. Mac
I think most of Superhero Nation doesn’t know my review forum’s password. There has been a significant drop in visitors since we made it password protected. What can we do about this?
B. Mac, can I get a review forum, please?
Thanks in advance!
Welcome. B. Mac should be with you soon.
Ok, no hurry.
I’ve set up your review forum here.
Hello. I’ve been gone for a while. Miss me?
I’m considering a new story, completely unrelated to How to Save the World (this is my first book if you haven’t visited me yet). It’s a sci-fi futuristic setting with a heavy dash of romance.
Anyway, I was hoping that another review forum could possibly be set up for me if it’s okay with you guys.
- Wings
Hi, Wings. I’ve set up your second review forum here.
Hello, Wings! It’s good to see you back.
Yay! Wings is back.
Welcome back.
I think my review forum is not reviewed/visited anymore. So, I updated more interactive stuff. I posted the synopsis of the first 5 chapters of my story. Please visit Avi Arun 2 and review it.
Say, B. Mac.
Can you put this on my second forum?
This forum is where I mainly work on Ai, a sci-fi/romance in which an artificial intelligence created to be the ultimate codebreaker falls in love with a human being. I also discuss my other, future works here which are usually science fiction or fantasy.
- wings
Hey, I’ve only been here a short time, I’d just like to ask for a review forum. Thanks.
I’ve been mostly working on a super-hero novel where a zombie invasion is one of the main plot-points (I am making sure to try and distance it from Marvel Zombies as best as I can).
Thanks.
Ok. I’ve set one up for you here.
No one visits or comments on mine, either.
“No one visits or comments on my forum, either”
Oh, don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic.
The only people that get commented alot are those that are updating a lot. I’ve been gone a few days, but I think most of your recent posts have been outside of your forum.
David, I don’t feel like there’s very much new to comment on. I feel that the story is pretty much the same as it was the last time I commented. Having already weighed in, I’d like to reserve my time for the other 30 authors either doing review forums or e-mailing me for advice. Right now, my backlog is about 50,000 words.
I think it’s about time we updated this page for productivity. For example, I haven’t seen Frank or Halfbakery in ages.
Myself as well. Some of these forums have been left empty for a while…
On the topic of empty forums, I’ll start writing Chapter Two ASAP.
- Wings
And then just look at all the new people who don’t seem to post very often. Nothing against them, but a couple forums are still empty.
- Wings
I think people who are here (even if they aren’t using their forum) can stay up, but those that are irregular or completely absent should be moved down.
I wish Brett was still regular, we had good times when it was just the trio. Me, Whovian, and Brett.
im gonna try and comment on other peoples Review forms do my best to give gd advice lol
here gos
I’ve posted in my review forum after a long time. Go to my first review forum an check it out.
@ B. Mac
Can you please update my synopsis in this page too? Lastly, can you keep both my review forums accessible from the sidepanel?
“We had good times when it was just the trio. Me, Whovian, and Brett.” It was certainly easier to proofread comments back then. But the point of advance publicity is to gather an audience, so I definitely can’t complain that I have more commenters.
Quite right. We newbies are good.
I myself have been looking at how much this website has grown. When I joined in January, there were maybe 11 forums counting myself. Now we have – what, 25?
That’s over 60% more people who actually post about writing. I’m not even counting the review-only people or the lurkers.
- Wings
David said “I’m gonna try and comment on other people’s review forms and do my best to give good advice. Here goes.”
I’d be honored if you gave some thoughts and observations on my work.
right no problem i shall give it a go but im no B.mac lol
speaking of B.mac i have a question i was gonan put in the open writen form but i cant find it i never can unless somone posts in it lol
anyways
in say LOTRS how can we tell frodo is a hobbit or the other guys are Elvs dwarfs, and such without beening told thats what they are what do they do that makes them diffrent from how a human would react
David, try typing “open writing forum” in the searchbox at the top of the navigation bar.
As for your question, I’m not sure. I think normally we are told, or characters notice certain features about them which the reader associates with a certain race. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
hey didnt know you could do that lol thanks Holliequ and its ok
@ B. Mac
You forgot to update my story synopsis on this page. You could post something like : working on a superhero themed thriller
Hey, I made a post yesterday about how similar my council and someone else’s are. I don’t know where I posted it, but now I can’t find it anywhere. I was waiting for an answer. Had it been deleted? Had I been rude?
You posted that on Ragged Boy’s review forum.
I’ve made a big update in my first review forum. check it out! I’m looking for some reviews…
I think this is the comment you’re referring to. It’s still up. I don’t think it was rude, but I think that implying that RB took it from you was a bit much. Calling a mysterious a group “a council” is almost as commonplace as calling a caped vigilante a superhero.
“but I think that implying that RB took it from you was a bit much”
No, I didn’t mean anything like that. Sorry, B. Mac and RB if I was rude. I only informed him that I have something similar to his work. Forgive me guys.
Ok. Not a problem.
@ B. Mac
I have a few requests to ask you :-
(1) In the first post of my first review forum, rename ‘Blurb for Yelp!‘ to just Blurb. I haven’t decided the title yet and the current title does not go well with the genre. So it might mislead the readers/reviewers.
(2) I got 2 concepts in mind (see below). These are for the stories I’ll be writing if and only if my current work is successful. Kindly tell me which one has more potential. I’ll be working on both, but I’ll discuss one in my other review forum once in a while, so that I need not go for the hard way : Brainstorming!
(3) My second review forum is getting old and smelly. So, please format it so that I could post fresh concepts. (I know…. I know this sounds familiar, but I’ll try to stick with this concept atleast for an year or two. I promise!)
My Concepts (remember those sample names?)
By the way, I haven’t planned the concepts out fully, so these are just blurbs. catchy or not?
(1) Brian is the greatest superhero fan ever. There’s nothing he doesn’t know about them. He totally admires them (you get the idea, right?). But this story is all about his dad. Brian’s dad Smith is a man struggling to get his family above the poverty line. He’s simple and not very smart. Cudgel is a scientist who develops a machine that will radiate the body and give someone upto 2 special abilities. Smith needs money, Cudgel needs a human test subject, they meet each other somehow. Cudgel tells smith that if he lets cudgel give him superpowers, cudgel will give him loads of cold hard cash. Being a very stupid man, Smith accepts and asks for Super strength and Flight, because Brian had told him they are the most sought-after powers. The test was a success and Smith is now a living superhero. While Smith begins to do typical superhero jobs to attract brian’s attention, cudgel develops his machine further. Soon, cudgel acquires powers through the machine. Now, Smith has to face his greatest enemy cudgel and the only one he ever cared for, brian, who is now under cudgel.
(2) In the distant future, the greatest minds of earth estimate that earth will be destroyed somehow in just a few years. They send the three greatest astronauts on a long space journey. They must travel across galaxies and find a planet with the exact conditions as earth and help colonize it before earth’s destruction. But the earth is destroyed very soon and the three astronauts are the only survivors. They find a planet suitable for living. With the planet as base and with advanced technology, the heroes go on a search for a legendary alien. According to legend, the death of this alien will create a time rift. So, they plan to find and kill the alien to go back in time and save earth.
@Avi Arun, they’re both really good original concepts I think, but only as novels. The second one would be a lot longer than the first one I imagine. I do like them, so please try making something out of them and I would love to read what you came up with.
Could I have my own review forum? I really need some criticism and advice for an idea I have for a comic book.
Hi, Ham. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Hey, guys. Can I have a forum?
So help is needed. Thanks!
I just love this site and I’d like to share some of my stuff with you guys. Especially since my superhero novel was a NaNo work and is only half done and I don’t know what to do with it
Hello, Becca. I’ve set one up for you here.
Hey everyone,
I’ve been making up my own superhero stories since I was 10. Needless to say I have a wealth of stories, some (mostly my older stories) have had to be re-written so I would like a review forum to see how my stories test out.
Welcome, Troy. I’ve set up a forum for you here.
I am currently TRYING to write a superhero story but I’m getting nowhere fast. In my first chapter, my main character is still human; his powers show up at the end of the chapter. Is this a good starting point? Thank for reading this.
One chapter might be enough to introduce the character before he gets powers. If I were doing a novelization of Batman or Spiderman or the Fantastic Four, I suspect it would take several chapters, but one could be enough.
I think the most important thing is that the first chapter introduce a hero that we will care about. If the character is gripping, it doesn’t matter whether the origin story spans one chapter or four.
B. Mac, I’m scared. I’ve been in manic writer mode for about a week now. I’m scared that I’m working to fast to be thinking of quality work. Is this normal? is the good? What should I do?
I think it’s good… really good. The more material you have, the more you have to rewrite into a masterpiece. Don’t worry about quality! That comes later.
Also, if you know more about the direction the series will take, your synopsis will probably sound more compelling.
Good, I thought I was just spewing out stuff that wasn’t worth anything.
It would be wicked sweet if I could get a review forum of my own. In the ‘How to Write Origins’ section my concept–which is actually in production–has been stated.
Detroit. Mafia. Gang bust. Ice powers. Self-doubting hero. There is my 5-second summary of my summary in the origins section.
Thanks for taking the time and considering this.
And even if you don’t, I will write on!
I’m sure B.Mac will have one up for you in no time. You can post as much or as little material as you like on your review forum. I had a look at your concept over at the origins page and it sounds pretty intriguing. I’m interested to see what you can do with that concept if you flesh it out a little.
I’ve set a review forum up for you here. Good luck.
Hey thanks Stefan and B. Mac.
But one thing…I clicked the link you gave me and all that came up was “Sorry, no posts matched your criteria.”
What should I do? Or is this normal?
I think the link is broken. As of now I’d recommend you save your forum on your favorites so you don’t lose it.
Also, welcome to the site. It’s always nice to see new writers. I’m Ragged Boy.
Ok, that’s good to know. And I’ve thought ahead about saving the link, I just didn’t know if it would work once repaired if I saved a bad link.
Oh, and nice to meet you.
Is the guy trying to sell me a house? Or shingles?
He’s trying to sell you a translator. ;D
I know that my story’s probably not that good but I would like a review. Do you help do rewrites?
Hello, Clay. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Yeah, we help with rewrites.
Hello Clay,
First, welcome. Second, please please please don’t be one of those newbies who posts only the beginning of a really intriguing story. I don’t work well under suspense.
Write (right) on!
- Wings
Hey, that’s a pretty good catchphrase for an author. Write on! Mind if I steal that?
Hullo B.Mac. Could I get a review forum set up?
Much appreciated.
Hi, Burnsauce. I’ve set one up for you here. Good luck.
Ah, B.Mac…
Just wondering: Could you perhaps reorder the review forums? Since so many newbies vanished into the distance (I think I do a rather good job at keeping my forum updated, ban or no ban).
I mean, so many people just stopped posting and some have empty forums still.
Don’t mean to be a bother,
- Wings
Hey, who am I supposed to ask for a review forum. Can I please have one?
Hola, Psycho Child. Welcome back. I remeber you posted here before.
B. Mac should be able to make a forum soon.
Hello, Psycho. I’ve set one up for you here.
Thanks, B. Mac.
Hey,I requested a forum on Call’s forum, which I’ve realised is kind of bad form [sorry Call].Since here is politer and more likely to be noticed sooner rather than later, may i please have a review forum?
Sure, Sandman. I’ve set one up for you here.
Thanks. If it’s not too much trouble could you put a link to it up top with yours, ragged boy’s, and call of cthullu’s forum links. Or is there a reason I don’t have one, like a waiting list or something?
Oh, i’ve got one there now. Thanks man, more people will see it now. Sound
Hate to be a bother but could you put “Working on a novel about an invisible hero” up above and on my forum in place of ’see comments below. Thanks’ on my forum? Thank you in advance. And at the risk of sounding whiny, could someone check out my forum? I don’t think anyone has since Mr. Brit and I’ve got a heap of new stuff up. I solemly swear that I won’t be one of those guys who just fade to black after a few posts
Found this sight this last weekend and am amazed. B. Mac, I congratulate you on this very well maintained website with amazing content, which is almost all well written, concise, humorous, and informative.
I’ve been looking for some place get get my work beta reviewed, and this place sounds like a great place to do that. Consider this my official review forum request.
Blurb: “Primarily working on a series of science-fiction novels set after the destruction of Earth. The story follows an uncle, his orphaned nephew whom he has adopted and their ship’s artificial intelligence as they are sucked into political machinations of the post-Earth governments and soon into events that threaten what remains of the human race.”
Hello, JM. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Hi, I’d like an account. Currently, I’m working on a superhero story about an organization of superheroes, like X-Men meets G.I. Joe. For now, I’m naming it “Project Hero”. Any other title suggestions are welcome.
Hi, could I get a review forum set up? I am working on a super hero story called Nightwatcher, and I would love for people to review it.
Hi, Black Cat! I’m the ReTARDISed Whovian, but most people call me RW or Whovian. B. Mac will probably set up a review forum for you soon.
Hi, ShardReaper! There aren’t really accounts here, we just post comments with bits of our work in them to get opinions. We each have a review forum, so that’s probably what you meant. B. Mac will probably set one up for you soon.
Thanks!
Okay thanks RW.
Hello, Black Cat. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Hey ShardReaper [nice name by the way] I’m Sandman. I’m sure B. Mac [he's the main man around here] will set a forum up for you soon. Anyway, welcome to Superhero Nation, look forward to reviewing your story man.
hey guys, be sure to check out my review forum – i’m desperate for some feedback on my character’s origin.
Hi, ShardReaper. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Question: do all of the stories have to be about superheroes?
Nope. David’s got a fantasy story going, and a few others have non-superhero stories going on as well.
Awesome! Can I have another review forum, for a fantasy novel called DemonSlayer Kai?
Ok, I’ve set up a second review forum for you here.
However, I would recommend picking one story and sticking with it. Writing a novel requires a tremendous amount of time… probably at least a year for a first-timer, usually 2+. Having two projects going at once will probably distract you. “Those that chase two rabbits catch neither.” Anyway, I leave that to you.
So I need help developing characters, and I’d like some cruel criticism.
Okay, so a few of my characters are not necessarily psychopathic…or at least, they don’t think they are because their cultures accepts their actions as normal(well, sometimes). However, I think I made them more effed up than they are supposed to be. Help, please?
For example:
Domovoi: Has the ability to shapeshift in a flock of carnivorous birds, which usually tears up hostile enemies to shredded pieces of flesh. As a result, he becomes a closet cannibal. Other than that, he’s a hardcore utilitarianist(the culture he grows up in promotes this philosophical theorem strongly), selfless, and highly patient when it comes to my next character…
Kir: A parasite that has invaded the brain of a female human host. Parasite Kir is at a critical stage in learning, in which she has to adapt to the host’s environment. However, similar to how babies use their mouths to identify objects and textures, Kir follows the same route. Somewhat awkward when she tends to put bladed objects in her mouth, or lick walls, or at least anything that comes into her interest. Considering that Kir’s host is in her late teens, and yet she has the mental capability of a 2 year old. As a parasite, she has no basis for good and evil, but she is willing to learn more about the human condition. Not necessarily a retardation, just trying to learn about her surroundings.
Some feedback would be nice, I’m unsure about the ‘putting foreign objects in one’s mouth’…because if you’re just as perverted as me, you’d be thinking about that too…
Kai is my first it’s over 200 pages and has taken over a year to write, Nightwatcher was something I just wrote after watching X-men and spider-man. I thought this was a place for only superhero stories.
Hello, Notsohottopic.
The characters might not be regarded as psychopathic within their own cultures, but I suspect that readers would be really put off by their oddities. In particular, I think the cannibalism, shredding enemy flesh, licking walls and other sexual undertones, and the 2-year-old mental capacity will make it really hard to like the characters. I think that having odd characters can be effective, but these characters strike me as unpleasantly weird or creepy.
In place of the more gruesome stuff, I’d recommend playing up the utilitarian angle for Domovoi. Being really utilitarian can give him a distinct personality with a bit of an edge to it, but he probably won’t come off as freaky. (Freaky characters scare away publishers).
With Kir, I’d recommend cutting out the sexual undertones. Using one’s mouth as a learning device would be beyond creepy even if the character didn’t have the mind of a two-year-old. At the very least, I’d replace the mouth with hands because kids use their hands too and it’s less sexual. Also, this is probably a book for adults that like edgy fare, but a character with the mind of a child is probably going to radiate cuteness. Cuteness is like kryptonite to old readers.
Retarded characters in general are a really hard sell. (I have an article about making mental disorders work here). My guess is that Kir probably needs an overhaul. In the context of this story, I don’t feel optimistic that a retarded/child-minded protagonist could work.
“I thought this was a place for only superhero stories.” I use a lot of superhero-specific examples, but probably 80% or 90% of my advice applies applies across the board. For example, if the main character isn’t likable, you’re screwed whether or not it’s a superhero story.
However, as you might imagine, most of the readers are more likely to be interested in superhero stories than in any other kind of story. So you might find it a bit harder to get reviewers for a standard fantasy work. You could also try a generic writing workshop like Critters; they have a larger contingent of fantasy reviewers than we do.
I figured, but I really like this website because people actually read and tell you what is wrong and help you make the story better. Other places just say your doing a good job keep it up, which is nice but not very helpful. Any help on my other story is great even if it’s only a few
“Other places just say ‘you’re doing a good job, keep it up,’ which is nice but not very helpful.”
Fan fiction sites are particularly bad at giving useful advice. The world of professional (paid) publishing is so much more cutthroat than fan-fiction that it’s not even funny… fan-fic sites reject 0% of submissions and professional publishers reject more than 99%.
I’d like a review forum! I’d love to hear what people think on the novel I’m starting. It might suck, but hey, that’s what you guys are for. LOL!
Hello, Brian. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck.
Hi,
I’d like a review forum, please. It’s for a novel I’m trying to write, the idea of which I got from a dream. I need help with (especially) the superhuman powers.
I guess, looking at the post by Brian, I should post my story ideas in the review forum…
Sorry if I’m doing something wrong here!
-FarawaySoul
Welcome to Superhero Nation, Faraway! B. Mac will make you a review forum as soon as he can.
Hello, FarawaySoul. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
Hello again, B. Mac!
“Candy Land” is a bit more cohesive, so I actually might be able to answer questions properly this time.
I’m sorry to ask, but I was wondering if I could have a second review forum, please? Everybody’s feedback on my “Do Tell, Trinket” story was really helpful, but I ended up applying more of the advice to a completely different story.
After working hard on character development for “Candy Land” with my sister, I really wanted to get some characters and ideas reviewed.
I’d appreciate if they would be differentiated like this…
Trollitrade – “Do Tell Trinket”
Trollitrade – “Candy Land”
Instead of just saying Trollitrade1 and Trollitrade2? Thank you so much!
Here it is, Trollitrade. As for adding it to the list, I don’t like editing B. Mac’s posts, so he’ll have to do that one himself.
Oh! Thank you, Marissa!
I didn’t know you had the “powers of review forum creation”.
Actually, now that I look at it, the names of the review forums aren’t just arbitrarily put on that list, are they?
My original one isn’t up there, so probably it means I haven’t been active enough or contributed enough yet to be added to the list.
If that’s the case, then nevermind about the list thingy.
Actually, it’s a power she just got, along with a couple of others (myself included).
When I click on the link, it says “sorry, no posts match your criteria”.
Does that mean it’s still processing?
And ah, I see!
I’ve been noticing articles about “guest writers” and stuff, so are you and Marissa and some others now “assistant admins” for the site?
Was up folks. I’ve been looking for a good web site for some feedback on a story I’m working on (dealing with the superhero concept, of course
) Any rate, I’ve stumbled across this and I’m glad I have. It really looks like a great place and I hope I can contribute something.
As such, I need a review forum, please. Much obliged.
Brief Blurb: “I’m working on a superhero novel called The Black Maverick, a story of a young man who is given a gift he doesn’t rightly know how to use. Even with the help of allies, he makes enemies far more ruthless then he. Can he help save his city from the onslaught of his enemies or will he fall to the temptations that come with his powers?”
That’s basically it. Any comments are more than welcome.
Oh, apparently all posts run through B. Mac’s approval before they go up. I might as well leave it to B. Mac, then, since making them myself won’t get it to you any faster.
I’m sure he’ll either approve it or remake it soon, though, so don’t worry.
And we’re volunteer moderators, plus I (as well as a couple of others, though theirs aren’t up yet) write a few articles.
That’s alright, Marissa.
Thank you for giving it a try!
That’s cool that you guys are volunteer moderators and article writers!
I’m looking forward to the article about writing good female characters.
I had a lot of fun ranting and raving about character traits.
Hello, Trek Fan. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
Trollitrade, Marissa’s link should work now.
Much obliged B. Mac. Thanks for the forum.
I sort of stopped putting names on the short list on the side-bar because very, very few readers actually use that list. The vast majority of traffic to the review forums is driven by “Recent Comments,” which is entirely determined by whether you’ve posted something recently. The long list of Review Forums is a distant second.
Oh, hey, Marissa. And other moderators! If you’d like to set up a review forum for someone, I’ve set up some blank ones that have already been published. They can be renamed as necessary.
http://www.superheronation.com/2009/07/13/blank-review-forum-1
http://www.superheronation.com/2009/07/13/blank-review-forum-2
http://www.superheronation.com/2009/07/13/blank-review-forum-3
Yay! Thank you, B. Mac.
And that all makes sense, ’cause I almost always navigate to topics using the recent activity section.
I am writing a superhero novel about a teen and his friends (it’s more interesting than it sounds). I am just in the beginning process of actually writing it and thought a review forum would be very helpful. I love Superhero Nation and everybody’s awesome articles. Thanks!
Hello, Jackie. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
I am trying to write an action novel about 5 characters aquiring super powers and how in the end they try to stop the end of humanity. I have written 10 chapters so far and would like a review forum to know if I should continue.
PS: English is not my first Language and I write the story in the present tense to make the readers live the action.
Hello, BrainStormer. I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
I’ll leave it up to you, but I’d recommend using past tense because it’s more conventional and easier to publish.
Thanx B. Mac
Hey B Mac, could you set up another review forum for me? I’d like some feedback on a new concept for a sci-fi comic. Thanks.
I just stumbled onto your website, yay! I am about to embark on the big ol’ Graphic Novel creation train and I have never made this trip.
Can you set me up a review thread so I can get some help with my story?
(shortest synopsis ever)
My story is about a supernatural entity that begins to assemble a small team of heroes(3) for an unknown reason. One sorceress,one brute warrior type, and cybernetic genius.
Thanks, I hope I did this right
Hello, CarsonArtist. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
Eren, I’ve set up a second review forum for you here. Thanks for waiting!
Thanks, pal.
Thanks! I posted up chap 1~ wow, I havent read it straight through in over a year…mixed feelings.
So I was thinking of how I could help the most here, since Im amasking for help myself…. I dont know anything about writing really so here is some things I CAN help with.
I can help with how to self publish with your own publishing company, get unique ISBN’s for your personalized publishing house and how to set it all up so Amazon dot com can carry your work. I also know several Indy printshops.
I am a professional artist and can help with art related questions in traditional or digital media.
I also know quite a bit about the occult and mythology.
Hopefully somewhere in there, I can provide some assistance in one of those areas.
my chapter 1 is up, chapter 2 will go up once I get some help with chapter 1 – I dont want to make the posts so long that noone wants to read it and I dont want to have to try and work on two chapters at a time….is that cool?
Oh I almost forgot- can I post up concept art for it in my review forum somehow?
Hey, CarsonArtist, I noticed in your post you said you were a professional artist…
So I’ve been looking for a artist to draw my superhero comic for a little over two years now. Is there any chance you could draw my comic and not charge me for the art hehe pretty please? May as well try my luck, I’m desperate and out of options XD. I was going to get my friend to do it but he’s currently recovering from a really bad car crash so that’s not an option for me. And I just don’t have the money to pay freelance artists hundreds of £££ (yeah I’m a Brit). So I’ve had these comic scripts sitting on my laptop for like two years without anyone to draw them for me. It sucks.
I got told by someone that I should just send a few of my scripts to an independant publisher and see if they would draw it for me. But I dunno about that. I’m just doing it for my own personal entertainment – If I can get it published then great but if not, It doesn’t bother me too much, though I’ll admit the prospect of getting my very own comic published is a attractive one. But the main thing for me is seeing my words and visual descriptions come to life in a comic book.
Though I’d love to hear your advice on self-publishing a comic book.
Thanks. Eren.
Oh Boy… I hate to be negative but unless your work is absolutely outstanding, it will be hard to find a free artist. I can offer tons of advice but for now,I’m all full up on work.
Currently my work load looks like this:
Concept art for Starwars: Rise of the Sith (video game)
Solo art show at the end of the year needs 5-7 more pieces finished
writing and illustrating my own Graphic Novel
Cover art for a new Roger Corman movie ( you can IMDB him)
“Secret Agent” entry for art competition ( Bigtime prizes I could really use like a kick ass art computer 10x more powerful than what I have)
So as you can see Im really full. I doubt I can take on any new projects until after the Solo show at the end of the year- so probably 2010, lol.
IF I have a ton of time in 2010, I could do it for cheap but not free. I just dont do much work for free anymore, like I said, unless its a real awesome opportunity.
As far as self publishing goes, I would have to write a whole deal to explain the ins and outs. I will do that for all of you to use very soon. Maybe B.Mac could post it as an article?
lololol yeah I guess it has to be pretty amazing to be drawn for free. Like I said I am all out of options and I’m desperate – it frustrating having these cool stories you wanna tell but no one to bring them to life with. The money I make isn’t nearly enough to pay for an artist. So I guess I will just have wait for my friend to recover… damn.
Naw, you don’t sound negative at all, I was just trying my luck lol had no idea you had all these high profile projects on your plate like the Star Wars video game. So you’ve been around in the comic art business for a while haven’t you? From the sounds of it anyway…
Hopefully, one day soon I can get my scripts brought to life. Thanks for the reply.
Do you at least know anyone who draws for cheap and whose workload is free at the moment?
I feel like such a douche for asking that question about drawing for free lol
even though I knew the answer
I havent been into the comic industry at all…. I was in publishing for awhile though.I worked freelance for Thompson learning and Prima tech Game division(for game guides and tech titles) I did run a small publishing company for about a year called Flaming Tome. I collected comics through most of the eighties, almost all marvel titles. I got into Spawn for about the first 20 issues. I was a big time roleplayer for about 12-13 years or so.
The Starwars game is artwork I decided to do for free, as long as I got name credit. I designed the main characters ship in the game so far. They may have me do new blaster rifles, not sure yet.
The Movie poster/cover art is a job that is being fielded by several artists, but only one will get the deal for the cover…..I hope I get it. It pays crap but if I get chosen for the cover that will be huge for my career.
My solo show will be in Dallas TX sometime at the end of the year, it is a show of all fantasy art, mainly magical people/beings. I have about 5 pieces done so far, I started sometime in June. So far, I have a picture of
Lilith 22×30″
Forest witch 16×20″
Astral Dreamer 16×20″
The Immortal 24×48″
Sea Sorceress 24×48″
Im working on my Secret agent entry as we speak….
If you are looking for free work, I would suggest a place called Concept Art – has a forum for hiring free artists – here is the link straight there!
http://conceptart.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=12
I hope this helps – and does anyone know how to post a pic on here , I tried some image code(html) and it didnt work…..
LOL- no people ask me for free work all the time, its cool – no douche-iness at all
Thanks, very much appreciated. I’ll check that website out now.
What I meant about my question, if you’ve been in the comic art business for a while is – how long have you been doing freelance art for? whether it is for comics or concept art for video games or movie posters etc I mean generally as an artist. You sound like you’re a bit of veteran in your field or else you wouldn’t be working on high-profile video games like Star Wars or worked on a fan favourite comic like Spawn. Anyways, good luck on that movie poster – I hope you get it
Thanks again.
Regarding posting pics here, I’m not sure – I don’t think you can. I’ve never seen anyone post any pics before or even B Mac himself. He’s the person to ask though since he runs the website.
nono,lol, I just meant I collected spawn when I said I “got into it” – I dont want to make false claims.
I have been an gallery artist for about 20 years(first gallery show at 16), I did freelance in publishing for about 3 years and I only started doing videogame art and stuff last year. Im 36 and just starting out in videogames and cover art/ concept art so Im pretty unknown.
I used to only do gallery artwork until I became disabled and couldnt paint anymore due to muscle cramps and spasms which made it too painful. I started learning digital art so I could keep creating. Now 5 years later, I can paint again after teaching my hands to paint all over again. Im still disabled, but I get to paint all day now
Ill just make a website to direct people to regarding the graphic novel artwork, it seems you can make links ok so I’ll make it work.
oh lol ok, didn’t read that bit properly but working on the concept art for a star wars video game is pretty big. Glad to hear you can still paint everyday
must have been very hard for you.
Also, regarding that website you gave me the link to… shall I post a topic about my comic book on the “Non-Paying Job Listings” section? since I’m asking for a comic to be drawn for free afterall… Just wanna make sure I post in the right place.
Thanks. Eren.
Yup.
Just look at some of the other listings etc. if you wanna know how to write yours up. This is where I got the starwars concept art gig. Like I said, Im not being paid for it except in name credit.
Good Luck !
If you have it on DeviantArt or another service that allows for embedding, a moderator can post the link. However, for security reasons, this site doesn’t allow guests to post pictures themselves. Just indicate to a moderator what you’d like to link to and we can embed it for you.
I’m gonna need a review forum, just to start off with. I’m not gonna use it after say, chapter 5 or so. Is that okay?
Hello, Polaris. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Feel free to use it for as many/few chapters as you’d like. Good luck!
If it isn’t terribly bothersome, I’d like to request a review forum for my superhero graphic novel, which is currently untitled. I know that is quite a terrible name, but I’m actively working to think of a better one.
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck!
I finally have a solid idea of what I want to write about. And if it isn’t too much trouble, I could very much use a review forum.
By the way, is it OK if the villain of your story is overpowered?
SVT, I’ve set one up for you here.
Overpowered villains are usually acceptable. That just creates a larger obstacle for the hero to overcome, which is dramatic. In contrast, an overpowered hero is less interesting because his obstacles are too small. Who wants to root for Goliath?
Hey, B. Mac, I have been working on a story for a few years now and I would like to get a review forum. Thanks, Ghost
Hello, Ghost. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
hey B. Mac,
Don’t suppose you could give the draft of my prolouge a once over. I posted it on my forum
B. Mac, could I trouble you to please replace the Wings 2 forum summary with the below summary?
This forum is where I work on Darkstar Rising, another superhero novel about a rogue superhuman who works for both good and evil, a superhero team without a leader, a group of villains that is not what it seems, and a mastermind who seeks to rid the world of them all. I may also discuss my other, future, works here.
Thanks!
- Wings
Wings, B. Mac isn’t going to be around much right away thanks to his moving, but I’ll see if I can change that for you.
EDIT: Yeah, I changed it both places. Enjoy!
Thanks for taking care of that, Marissa.
Hi there everyone,
I’ve been reading this website a lot over the past couple of days, and it’s been really helpful. I have yet to come close to getting anything published, but my sixth grade teacher asked for a signed copy of my essay, so that says something…
Right?
Anyway, can I please get a review forum set up for me? I saw that some comic book publishers were accepting submissions, and it set my creative mind in gear. I’m currently working on a world where superheroes are barely emerging into the public eye, and since I have very little writing experience aside from the occasional creative writing assignment in school, I figured it’d be really helpful if I could get some feedback.
Thanks,
Fox
Hello, Fox. I’ve set up a review forum for you here. However, I’ve got to caution you that it would be unfathomably difficult to get published in middle school. If you’re subject to US labor laws, I’m not even sure if it’d be legal. Nonetheless, I think it’d be worthwhile to develop a story– that will probably make your life easier when you are a bit older.
Was it that clear that I’m young? Haha.
Yeah, it’s going to be difficult, but one can dream, right? Christopher Paloni (not sure on the spelling) had Eragon published when he was sixteen, so, while improbable, it’s possible.
Thanks for setting up a review forum.
You said ‘my sixth grade teacher’, which was probably a big hint. ;D
Eragon’s an interesting example since he was first self-publishing (using his parent’s company… no comment…) and didn’t get professionally published until much later when a publishing company saw his books were selling well. So don’t try to pin your hopes on being the next Paolini.
Great, someone younger than me!
Lovely to meet you, I’m sure. I’m Wings, future Californian writer with at least three future books thanks to this website.
Tom’s right, Fox – for one, Eragon wasn’t necessarily well-written and was published Paolini’s parents. So unless your parents own a major publishing company, this might not happen.
What are your other ideas? In the future, one of my books also features heroes returning to the world – perhaps I can be of use.
And yes, your teacher asking for a signed essay counts. Heck, I first got into writing when my sixth grade teacher sent one of my poems to a contest.
Keep writing, start posting, and bring me cookies,
- Wings
Hello, Fox. As noted before, Paolini had a lot of parental support to attempt self-publishing. Unless your parents are ready and able to blow tens of thousands of dollars on this, I think it would be more realistic to get published after 18. However, it wouldn’t really cost you more than postage to send off manuscripts as soon as you feel you’re ready (whether you’ve reached 18 or not). The good news is that your writing strikes me as pretty easy to read and clean, so your manuscript might survive the revelation that you’re a minor*. Who knows.
*Novel publishers typically require a roughly page-long authorial bio. If you’re doing a novel, it would be extremely difficult for you to hide your age and, frankly, your age is so exceptional that I’d recommend putting it front-and-center. In contrast, the age of a comic book writer would come out later in the submission process…
It’s a pleasure to meet you all, first off.
Marissa: … Good point, haha.
Tom: Wow, I didn’t know that he self-published Eragon… I thought he just submitted the manuscript to a publisher, and he was accepted. I’m not a big fan of Eragon, anyway, so that was probably a poor thing to say. Just goes to show that anybody can net success.
Wings: My other ideas? At the moment, for separate stories, I really don’t have any. I have been so scatterbrained lately that things such as writing have taken a back seat to school, soccer, and friends.
B. Mac: Unless my parents magically win the lottery, I agree that self-publishing is pretty far-fetched. Just curious, but why is age such a big factor in getting published? Is it the idea that adults are more responsible than minors, or is it that adults tend to be more professional? Or am I missing the mark?
A few things. First, publishers reject ~99% of submissions (more than 99.9% at the most competitive publishers). They are looking for literally any reason to toss manuscripts, even a suspicion of incompetence. So being very young might push you in the vast rejection pile. The presumption is that a really young author has less exposure to the field, less writing experience, less life experience, hasn’t yet developed a unique style, will more likely produce cliche and shallow stories, etc. It’s harder for a young author to produce something new and fresh because he hasn’t spent as many years getting used to what is conventional and stale in his field.
Also, most young authors have a really shaky grasp on grammar, spelling and punctuation. Mercifully, you’re really solid on those fronts.
Hopefully this doesn’t scare you from the idea of getting published early. But you should know that young authors have to overcome especially tough obstacles. At the very least, I think you’d have to impress a literary agent, and that requires an excellent proposal.
Oh–welcome, Fox.
And other people.
I forgot this was here … anyhow, this is a great site for helping you improve your writing in general as well as learning how to write a superhero story and/or superhero comic. And B.Mac & Co. are unprofessionally professional so it’s nice. (Or is it professionally unprofessional? Or neither? I’ll get back to you on that).
…
in other words, he doesn’t bite.
B. Mac: … Wow. That’s really all I can say. I guess that’s quite few more hurdles I have to jump over. I try to at least seem professional, and many that I’ve talked to overestimate my age, online and off. Thank you very much for the info.
Luna Jamnia: Thanks for the welcome.
I came on here expecting to have my head bitten off within the first day or so… The internet’s a scary place, you know.
Fox, from what I understand, Paolini started writing Eragon when he was 15 (right after he finished high school, by the way). It took him three years to write and edit before his parents published the book for him.
Fox, I’m sorry you’ve had (by the ’sound’ of it, anyway) some bad experiences surfin’ the web and checking out sites. For the most part, I’ve found it to be alright … but only when I stick to websites which cater to my interests (books, photography, writing how-to sites, blogger, etc.).
So I suppose if I were to venture to a website dedicated to things and interests outside of my knowledge, yes, I’d probably get my head bitten off. There ARE all kinds of people on the interwebz, I must agree with you on that.
Hi all,
New to the forum, just thought I’d introduce myself
Hey everyone! I went looking for sites to help me with my writing and came across this one. I really like what I see here in terms of constructive criticisms, advice, and other details I knew nothing about before coming here. I would really like a review forum to get feedback on what I am writing, and some on a concept I just came up with.
For those interested, my current work revolves around a young man who has become the “Champion of Heaven” Paladin. He gains his powers from six souls trapped within his sword, each a former Paladin. Each soul provides one power and Paladin can only use one power at a time until he develops his own power.
As for my concept, there is an intergalactic war going on the people of Earth know nothing about. However, that does not stop various factions from trying to recruit humans into their war efforts. Most are found unsuitable for the demands and sent back where they are mocked or deemed insane. A few make it through the screening and gain powers as they are genetically manipulated to better withstand the rigors of war. This story would follow 4-5 people as they come together during training and go off to fight battles. These are not the first humans so recruited, the previous team having betrayed the “good” guys, so this new batch will not only have to overcome being uprooted and thrust into a situation totally unfamiliar to them, but also the fact that most of the other species distrust, if not openly despise, humans.
Anyway, I would be interested in feedback. Thanks!
I’ve set up a review forum for you here, jmilb. Good luck!
As far as what you have so far…
–I like that they have to overcome the obstacle of distrust after the previous group of humans turned traitor. However, what’s the rationale for trying to recruit humans again after trying it once worked out so poorly?
–4-5 characters with one lead strikes me as workable. However, why will the lead be interesting? What’s his personality like?
–This sounds like science fiction (interplanetary travel, alien species, etc). But some of the terminology (Paladin, Champion of Heaven) and weaponry (swords powered by souls) feel more like fantasy. Mixing the two might limit the appeal to publishers– there are a few published works that combine SF and fantasy, but not many. Or perhaps you could hide the fantasy elements a bit more– for example, Star Wars had swords and magic but managed to give them a sci-fi feel.
Sorry. I might have been unclear. Paladin is a different work than the one with interplanetary travel and aliens. I am trying to keep Paladin more along fantasy lines, while the other will be more along the sci-fi/superhero lines.
As for the rationale behind recruiting humans again (and this is just an idea, I’m still formulating it in my mind), I was thinking that these recruits also serve as a microcosm of humanity in general. The war is going badly and the council wants to bring Earth in fully (we are a warlike species). So at various stages in history they bring a batch of humans in not only for a team, but to see how humanity as progressed as a species. They are not the first humans recruited, but they just might be the one that allows the interplanetary council to see that humanity might be ready to know the truth.
B. Mac, will you please set me up a review forum? I’ve got a story (which I want to expand into a novel) which I’d like to hear some feedback on.
Short:
Little Green Men attack the Earth, wielding the most devastating weapon known to Galactic Science, the weapon that has no known counter or defense: THE DEATH RAY! Turns out, humans are immune. Oops! Can a small-town call center employee and the most terrifying living creature in the Galaxy (or, if you mind your manners, a firm but fair old lady) save the Earth from certain doom (if, by doom, you mean massive property damage and extensive inconvenience)?
(I just realized how long even my short is. Is your shorts as big as mine?)
Long:
An ancient, decadent, bureaucratic galactic empire discovers that due to a clerical error, the planet Earth was never cataloged. They discover that barely evolved savages live on the planet and send an invasion fleet to bring the benefits of civilization to their poor, backward cousins. When a small troop transport assigned to assimilate a sparsely populated region stumbles across our hero, Kristof Bailey, who is on an epic quest to acquire the holiest of holies (a fried pocket pie from the local late night convenience store) and is in NO WAY drunk, the crew discovers to their horror that the most powerful weapon known to Galactic science is useless against the terrifying natives of this world. Immediately after this, Kristof discovers that four foot tall little green men are easy to beat in a fight when you take away their death ray and use it on them. Can our hero secure his late night snack in the middle of an interplanetary war? Can the aliens stand up to the might of an old lady who doesn’t tolerate bad behavior in her establishment? Will someone actually pay me to write this trope-loving crapfest? Or will the inevitable alternate conclusion that never happens in these summaries actually happen this time…
Yes, I use parentheticals like a short girl with inner ear damage uses high heels (often and at high risk to my future).
I would like to request a review forum. I am currently working on a superhero project on and off and feel a forum would be a great place to post notes on my idea. I think it would make me feel even more accountable and just reading other people’s ideas makes me want to work on it more and more.
Okay, I’ve set up a review forum for you here. Good luck!
Hi B Mac I love your site. It’s the Best.
I was hoping that you could set up a forum for me. What do I need to do?
I would like the forum for a comic book I started working on after finding Superhero Nation. The name of the comic is Enigma. A secret group of powerful people hunting anyone with supernatural or superhuman powers to use as weapons. This secret group wants to control the world through any means available, they don’t care if it is ecomonic, political, war, innovation, or terror. They don’t work for any government, but may if is to their advantage they will work with a government. They use anybody and everybody to move toward their goals. Their present goal is to hunt down six people, who they want to use as human weapons against anyone that gets in their way. Those people are Michael Powers, Lisa Myers, Kevin Becker, Naketa Brood, Peter Schultz, and one as yet unnamed person. I have started work on some of the main characters. As always the secret group stays in the shadows. tell me what you think.
(Here is Lisa Myers)
With heart pounding in her ears Lisa Myers slide into an ally way.
Her mind raced how could he have found her she had changed her name, she changed her looks, she did every thing, even cut ties with her family.
She could hear him screaming to her to come back. Mind racing though her thoughts and also trying to comprehend all of it she looked around frantic.
Garbage was strewn across the cold darkened ally; it smelled of rotten fish and salad dressing. She ran further into the ally and quickly ran behind a Dumpster. She hit the brick wall and cut her left arm on the Dumpster.
Hissing softly she grabbed her arm and slid down the side of the wall and grabbed her knees. She tried to steady her breathing. “LISA!” He yelled.
She could hear him running down the ally. She needed to find a way out.“Damn it LISA!” He said “come on out baby and lets talk about this”. “No” her mind said just stay here. The air seemed to thicken and every thing seemed to close around her. He slammed the Dumpster, he was right next to her. She closed her eyes and hoped to god that he wouldn’t find her.
Her heart pounded so hard in her ears it drowned out the traffic on the street.
It pounded so loud she could swear he heard it. “Ah LISA, There you are” he chuckled softly. Her heart skipped a beat “No” she said softly. He had found her. This was it she was never going to see light again! He snorted “you pathetic little bitch Get UP!” He grabbed her by her arm and stood her up to standing position. She flinched and tried to burry her face, and not look at him, wishing she could be any one but her. “Click Click” it was the gun, no this wasn’t happening she thought. She looked up into a gun and her heart dropped, she felt fear in the pit of her stomach. “look at me!” he growled and grabbed her head and forced it up. She swallowed “I can’t if you have that gun in my face!” she said in a harsh whisper. He chuckled “well you finally talking to me ain’t you” He drawled. “well” he moved the gun and held it under her chin. She looked him in the eyes and he sneered. Lisa began thinking back how it all started.
Rays of light shined on Lisa’s face; slowly she opened her iced blue colored eyes and it was a sunny day. She looked around to glance at the clock radio for the time, “Its 7:45 oh shit I’m late for first period!” Lisa exclaimed angrily jumping out of bed and reaching for her clothes that she picked up last night in case something like that would happen, after she slipped into a black slipknot shirt and tight emo pants, she ran into the bathroom and brushed her teeth and combed her hair and ran out to the living room downstairs, and out the door. Lisa was in her junior year, she had become quite the student, in the middle of her sophomore year she had to transfer into an alternative school to make up her missing credits because of all her ditching and declining grades that semester, but now she had got her act together, no ditching and nothing below a “B”. She raced his mom to her truck because it was ten minutes until 8:00 and class started at 8:05 and they still had to pick up her friend Nicole Nickeson, she was one of Lisa’s best friends in the world, and she had asked her mom a long time if they could give Nicole a ride to school every day. When the blue Toyota Tacoma pulled up at Nicole’s drive way, Nicole was already outside and ready to go, she climbed in and greeted them happily and asked what took them so long, Lisa explained to her what happened. “My stupid clock radio was unplugged and my alarm didn’t go off to wake me.” She said still pretty pissed at himself because she unplugged it so she could plug in her laptop, so it could recharge as she typed her essay for U.S History class. When they pulled over at the school’s student parking lot Lisa’s cell phone vibrated and she flipped opened it to see what was up and she saw on the little screen that she had received a text message from her boyfriend Barrett Finch. Who had by the way been a senior at the time, they were a couple for about two months. Barrett was a well build guy, he had light brown hair and nice pretty brown eyes that caught Lisa’s attention, but it wasn’t all about looks, the thing that caught Lisa in Barrett’s spell was his personality, she loved how Barrett was funny and fun to be around with, and romantic when the occasion called for it but also because he could be serious and caring about people and even strangers. Where they met was at their period class, they were being measured for their tuxedoes for the big winter concert later that week, after Lias was done being measured, she walked to the side of the rail and saw Barrett playing with the baby of one of the women that were measuring them. She liked how he made the baby laugh and they way that he laugh with joy also, she could see that some day Barrett was going to be a good father and she’d liked to see his child grow up. From that moment she realized that he loved him right then.
She read the text message in her mind slowly so she wouldn’t miss a single word, it said “Hey where are you? School is going to start any minute!” Lisa replied to the message saying that she was already at the student parking lot. And that she should meet him there since they both had U.S History together. After they got out of the car and said goodbye to her mom, they waited for Barrett at the student parking lot which it was crowded by cars. “Lisa!” Someone yelled out her name and Lisa turned and saw Barrett sort of jogging towards her and Nicole. “Hey.” Louis hugged her warmly, “Hi Nicole.” He greeted her too as she stood there beside them without someone to hug. “Hi,” She greeted back “you guys are such a cute couple” she smiled. They walked out the parking lot and went on the school’s quad where all the kids would hang out before school started. “Oh look I see Maribel, and I’ll see you guys later?” Nicole said and Barrett and Lisa nodded, “Okay, see you guys later.” She excused herself and made her way to the library after Maribel Garcia. “Finally I got you all to myself.” Lisa said smiling at Barrett as he had a smile across his face too. “Oh really? Are you planning on seducing me?” Barrett teased as pulled Lisa closer to him. “Only if you promise to seduce me first.” Lisa answered him sexually. “Oh I will.” Barrett agreed as he leaned forward to kiss her sensually. There relationship wasn’t built on sex but they liked making each other all hot and bothered because they knew they couldn’t had sex until both of them were ready for such a big step. As they’re lusty kiss suddenly the bell rung letting the student body know that it was time for first period. They walked to their first period class holding hands and cuddling like they always did every morning of a school day.
During U.S history Barrett and Lisa sat next to each other sending notes to one another. They would write how much they loved each other, and asked what were they’re plans for the weekend to see if they could go out on dates. Or do something else with each other, they normally went to the movies and sat in the very back to make out once everyone was out of the theater because the movie was over. Last July they went to see the movie called “Ultra Violet” it was an action flick, two guys from school started calling them names and throwing hpopcorn, until Barrett got frustrated by their immature behavior and decided to get up and beat the crap out of them and he did.
All four of them got kicked out of the AMC for a month because of the rough housing. Barrett passed a note to Lisa as Mr. Secoda was showing slides on the projector on the white board, Lisa unfolded the note and just started to read it when Mr. Secoda snatched it out her hands and took a glance at it and said, “Do you have something you want to share with the class ?” He asked Lisa and she shook her head nervously as she tried to swallow in the humiliation, but some how she couldn’t. Her throat was too dry.“What do you think class? Should I read out loud?” He announced at the students and everyone cheered and yelled yes. As Mr. Secoda read out loud the note Lisa felt that she was getting warmer and warmer by the second. She didn’t care, she just focused on her hatred for Mr. Secoda, she felt this power surging through her and her hearing came back. She could Mr. Secoda laughing with the note still in his hand and then the note suddenly self distructed in Mr. Secoda’s hands.
Mr. Secoda screamed, and screamed for help as a students ran to get the fire extinguisher to use on his chest. Mr. Secoda was badly burn, his hand got extremely burnt and his hair burnt away. When the ambulance got there , Mr. Secoda had to be given knock out drugs because he couldn’t stand the burns. And once they stuffed him in ambulance Lisa was still shocked at what had just happened in front of her. But the question that kept running through her mind, “Was she responsible for what happened to Mr. Secoda?” He couldn’t ease her mind but she knew that was impossible. No one could do things like that with their minds. “Or could they?” She thought to herself but she decided that it was simply impossible and that she should just put it behind her. “Besides Mr. Secoda was playing with fire and if you played with fire you are guaranteed to be torched.” She said in her mind and smiling on the outside.
When lunch came mostly everybody was talking about the “Incident” that happened to poor Mr. Secoda, girls were whispering in each others ears and guys were saying how cool it was that Mr. Secoda got hurt because they hated him so much. Lisa, Barrett, and Anna Pandell were sitting in their favorite lunch table by the baseball field, and they all ate their lunch except lisa. Who was still pretty shaken up about Mr. Secoda, all that screaming Mr. Secoda did took away her appetite. “What’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your lunch.” Barrett said concerned as he rubbed his hand over Lisa’s stomach, “I’m just not very hungry that’s all, I mean seeing someone being hurt like that does that to you.” Lisa replied looking at Barrett. “I know. But it’s best not to think about it.” Barrett suggested leaning Lisa’s head on his shoulder for comfort. “All this time wishing for something horrible to happen to Mr. Secoda being so hard on account of others feelings, I feel terrible.” Anna answered regretful as she looked at them shocked, Lisa felt ashamed because she felt that Mr. Secoda received what he deserved. A few minutes the bell rung for the sixth period to begin, and for all students to clean after themselves and head to their classes. Anna said goodbye to them because they didn’t have the same class and also because after sixth period was over everyone goes home, Barrett hugged Lisa. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked looking into her eyes for an honest answer. “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll call you when I get home.” Lisa replied to him as she ran her fingers in Barrett’s hair. “Alright.” Barrett kissed her and then went their separate ways. Barrett headed home because he had no sixth period since he was a senior, technically he needed go home after fifth period but he enjoyed having lunch with Lisa and Anna.
As Lisa entered in her theater class and headed to her seat she was interrupted by Rafael Barajas, he stepped in her way to say. “Hi.” She answered back to him annoyed. Lisa did not like Rafael at all because he would come in between Anna and her and that really pissed her off. Because she didn’t like sharing Anna with such a poser. “So have you talked to Anna lately because when ever I like call her, she is never home and also I’ve noticed that she’s not around school.” Rafael asked her out forward. “Gee I wonder why?” Lisa said sarcastically as he put her backpack down underneath her chair. “What?” Rafael asked because Lisa mumbled, the truth was that Anna found Rafael annoying so when ever he would call her house she would check her caller ID to make sure who it was, but if it was him than she wouldn’t answer the telephone but sometimes Mrs. Pandell would answer the phone when he’d call. She would ask Anna if she wanted to talk to him but her answer was always the same, “No” so Mrs. Pandell would make excuses like. “Oh honey she’s taking a shower, she’ll have to call you back.” That one usually made him call the following day. “Oh she told me to tell you that you’re so fucking annoying and to stop stalking her!” Lisa lied angrily as Rafael’s jaw lowered in shock, Lisa took a breath and replied. “I’m just kidding, she told me to tell you that their phone is out of order and their getting it fixed so you shouldn’t call even if it sounds like it just rings.” Lisa lied again but this time Rafael nodded disappointed. “I think Anna’s his only friend…what a fucking loser…oh well what’s done is done.” Lisa said inside her head as he saw Rafael walking away to his seat. The class had begun and Mrs. Klein was showing the parts of the stage. Because we were going to be tested this following Friday and we had to learn every part of the stage, or otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pick a partner for a scene. And of course it had to be assigned by Mrs. Klein, Lisa hated Mrs. Klein much more than Mr. Secoda and she wished that Mrs. Klien had gotten burn along with Mr. Secoda. Lisa couldn’t hold in her laughter so he let it out for the whole class to hear, just the thought of them burning brought laughter into her mind. “Do you mind telling the class what it is that you find so funny that you have interrupt my lesson?” Mrs. Klein asked her in a bitchy tone, lisa wanted to tell her that she was laughing because she found her burning with Mr. Secoda hilarious…no genius. “Oh um….” Lisa couldn’t make out the words for a good lie. “Look we don’t have time for your stupidity, so just keep your mouth shut!” Mrs. Klein snapped, and turned and faced the board. “Bitch” Katie cussed Mrs. Klein in the behalf of her, she turned to see Mrs. Klien next to her and she tried to keep in her laughter down, but she couldn’t. She laughed for Mrs. Klein to hear her. “That’s it, I’m filling out a referral for you!” Answered angrily as she took a seat in her desk and started filling the form, lisa felt that feeling again, she went deaf and started to get warmer and all she focused on was the snow glove directly below Mrs. Klein face. Her eye sight suddenly zoomed in at the snow glove like a digital camera, and suddenly the snow glove shattered stabbing Mrs. Klein with broken glass in her face. Mrs. Klien screamed in terror and pain, because some of the glass had stabbed inside her eyes, blood ran down her face and everyone freaked out and a student went outside of the class to get help.
Another ambulance was called to the High School, Mrs. Klein wouldn’t shut up she kept screaming in pain, Lisa wished she would have been caught on fire just like Mr. Secoda, at least he was a little quieter. School was dismissed early on count of the other “Incident”. Lisa felt conscience free because she felt she wasn’t responsible for the freaky coincidence that occurred today. First Mr. Secoda and then Mrs. Klein gets it. “Am I causing these weird occurrences? Do I have this ability that ends up hurting the people that I hate…Nah?” She reassured herself as she walked to the bus stop with Nicole, “I can’t believe two teachers got hurt today in just one day!” Nicole said to Lisa a little bit freaked out. “Yeah and I was the witness to both of them.” Lisa answered stiffly as he thought back. That feeling she felt when Mr. Secoda read his note from Barrett out loud to the whole class. She felt angry and full of rage, maybe these accidents are triggered within her. Maybe she had the gift to cause things with her mind. And maybe he had “Telekinesis” the ability to move or shatter things with his mind. She then realized that she had put two people in the hospital in the case of her uncontrollable anger and rage within her.
When the bus arrived they both climbed in and took a seat next to each other, Lisa took the window seat. The bus drove off and Lisa looked outside and thought that she will put these so called powers to the test. She thought back at Mr. Secoda’s laughter and how he made fun of her, and then suddenly she felt stronger. And she looked outside, a road filled with cars, she focused on a truck with a cargo of helium tanks. Her vision zoomed in at the tanks, and out of nowhere the tanks exploded, making every car near it started flying in mid air. “Oh my god!” Lisa yelled pretty freaked out. “I did do those things.” Everyone on the bus turned to look at the exploding cars because the first explosion made them get caught on fire also.
When Lisa got home she admittedly went to her room, locked the door and turned on her television to see the news. She turned to channel 9, a reporter was standing ten feet away from the tragedy. “I’m here where helium tanks just combusted causing major mayhem,our sources tell us that there are no survivors….twenty five people have lost their lives.” The reporter said, and Lisa turned off the T.V. rapidly not wanting to hear more. “Oh my god what have I done…I’ve killed innocent people…but I didn’t mean to.” She talked to herself trying to convince herself of her innocence in all of this. She climbed in bed and laid scared, crying in tears, she cried herself to sleep.
The next day lisa left her home, her family, and her life.
She awoke with a start, cold sweat running down her forehead. The sun shown bright and she squinted against it. Whipping her forehead with the back of her hand she grunted and sat up in her vehicle. It was still morning, The birds sang and the mist rolled across the wide fields. Lisa quickly pulled her long curly blond hair back into a pony tail. She then got out of the back seat, looking around she saw no sign of a place or town. Lisa slammed the car door shut and walked to the front, She slid into the seat wondering if her dream had been real. She put the keys into the ignition and with one turn the thunderbird roared to life. She quickly sped off. What a mess I got herself into. She thought to herself, Why would they still be after me? They had her mother’s business, accounts and now her mother’s home, She had no where to go. She had gotten rid of her mother’s credit cards, they ransacked her mother’s home so there was nothing worth salvaging. They had her parents threatened if they held any thing from them they would kill them. She sighed. She blocked out every thing, right now she needed a place to stay and a job so she could start all over again. Maybe in a little place in the middle of no where, that sounds good. She thought.
(Here is Naketa Brood)
He grabbed my shoulders and made me look into his eyes.
“Naketa, look at me, and listen carefully.”
We were both breathing heavily, from running so fast.
“You have to go back. ”
He paused. “I made a lot of mistake-”
I had to interrupt. “No Ash, WE.”
“Alright, WE made a lot of mistakes. Starting around five years ago, when we got in the middle of this mess. Sometimes lies feel better than the truth. And that’s what you have to do, you have to go back, and make sure we stay ignorant. You’ll remember everything that has happened, so you’ll know exactly how to fix it. You can live a peaceful future, and forget this time, which will become only a memory.”
It was all happening so fast, I didn’t understand what he was getting at.
“But-”
“No.”
He cradled my head in his hands.
“You are going back. And you’re going to overwrite this awful future. Just promise me one thing, don’t forget me, and the few things we did together.”
He looked on the verge of tears, and I felt I should be, but I was almost too sad to cry. He turned to leave, but then came back.
“There’s one mistake I made, that I’d never want to erase.”
Very quickly, I was in his arms, and his lips were firmly pressed to mine. It had started a very suddenly, a very full kiss. And it only continued to become more so as I felt his tongue enter my mouth. I then realized exactly what I was doing, I had my arms around his neck, and one hand was drifting up into his black hair. My lips were moving just as frantically around his, filled with the equal passion, and hope, that just maybe our problems could be forgotten and we could continue as people were meant to live. His arms pulled me closer, melding my body into his. I tried to hold on as he pulled his lips off mine, but he still held me fast against him, and I didn’t want him to let go.
“I fell in love with you.” he said.
I just held onto him tighter, he knew my reply, he knew I felt the same way. And we both knew there was nothing ahead for us. He looked into my eyes, caring.
“Turn around, and close your eyes. Please do not look back. Just remember me, this me.”
He released me, and I was instantly void of his warmth. But I obeyed, turning around, and slowly closing my eyes. There was a beeping noise. One shot. One gasp. One thud.
I knew what had happened, and even though I couldn’t see, I could still picture it. His lifeless form lying there, his lips that were just seconds ago on top of mine, dripping with blood. I felt so angry, I was so sad that it made it impossible for me to cry, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t cry for him. As I opened my eyes, I felt a single tear escape, I watched it drop onto the floor.
It was the last thing I saw before I disappeared.
(A different place and time.)
It was like a blink. Nothing more, nothing less. I tripped as I took a first step, and my face met the ground much faster than it should’ve. Dirt and grass was spit from my mouth. I stood up, and finally realized that I’d shrunk. My eyes drifted to my clothing, jean shorts, yellow tank. In the back of my mind I knew what had happened, and what to expect, but I never really believed it before.
“There you are Naketa!”
My head turned immediately at the sound of my name, and I gazed upon a much younger Ash. He still clad the cap, that hid his marvelously uncontrollable black hair. And he was only as tall as I was.
“Let’s get back to camp, Brock has dinner ready.”
I watched him pause and cock his head.
“Are you okay Naketa? You look a little pale.”
I quickly put on a forced smile.
“I’m fine! Let’s go!”
Ash started walking ahead, and I just followed, still in a daze. My legs didn’t feel right, being so much shorter than I was used to. But the one thing I couldn’t understand was how?
How did I go back?
“NAKETA!?”
Again I was jerked back to reality and frantically looked around for the source.
“Naketa, you were walking straight out of camp!”
“Oh, um yea. I was just daydreaming!”
Ash got a very puzzled expression, then shrugged. A new voice came to my ears then, no, not new, I just hadn’t heard it in a very long time.
“Hey, you guys! Dinner is ready!”
Brock. I just sat down, and ate the delicious food, silently. I thought about what I needed to do now. Ash had said to keep us ignorant, or more so, keep them ignorant. And I knew what was going to happen, so it would be easy, right?
But I couldn’t remember, it was long ago, and I had desperately been trying to block it out for years now. Unbeknownst that it would later be critical information. I suddenly remembered how it started, at least most of it, but it was enough.
What time was it now?
What day?
I had to know, so we could run……and fast.
“Ash, please tell me, quickly. What day is it? And what time?”
“Well, it’s Thursday, and-” He pulled out his watch, and pressed a button.
“It’s 5:23PM. But why do you want to know?”
My fingers rested over my lips, I was trying to remember, it had been Friday. I think. Could we spend the night here?
Yes, nice and rested so we could run the next day.
“Naketa, you’re acting strange, what is wrong?”
What was wrong?
Many, many things were wrong with the seemingly perfect reality they knew. There were enemies all around.
“I’m just really tired, I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning Ash, don’t worry.”
He scooted a little closer to me and peered questioningly into my eyes.
“Since when are you so nice to me?”
Why on earth would I be mean?
I was always nice to him, wasn’t I?
Again a revelation hit me, of what I used to be. Circumstances made a big change on me, I was almost a whole different being. But how could I fake my old self?
I put on a more sarcastic voice, one that I hadn’t used in ages.
“I already TOLD you Ash, I’m tired. I don’t have enough energy to argue with you!”
Then he smiled, content with the fact I sounded ‘normal’ again.
I slipped into my sleeping bag, and rested my head. Ash and Brock were still eating and talking over by the fire, and my thoughts drifted to what had happened earlier, or rather later. The kiss mostly, the warm feeling of Ash’s lips, and how right it felt. And then he was gone, and yet he was sitting only a few feet away from me now. I thought of the future, I thought of my past, I thought I wasn’t tired, and yet I slept.
It was still dark, but we needed to get going. I slid partially out of my sleeping bag and started shivering frantically. Every part of my sensible mind said to curl back up in the warmth and rest some more, but I couldn’t. With clenched teeth I stood up and instantly started shuffling my feet. The ground was cold, my arms were cold, and the bones in my legs felt as if they vibrated. Why did I wear these clothes?
I made a mental note to re-do my wardrobe as soon as possible.
“ASH.”
I think it was the sound of teeth chattering that woke him, rather than the sound of his name being hissed. He just opened his eyes and squinted at me.
“Ash, we need to go. Please just wake up Brock and get packed.”
He was still squinting at me.
“Wha? Why?”
I sat down beside him as he sat up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t explain because you wouldn’t understand.”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to leave in the middle of the night, for no reason, because I wouldn’t understand what you won’t explain?”
The tone of his voice was strange, it almost hurt. He thought I didn’t trust him, but I couldn’t tell the truth! He wouldn’t believe the truth.
I leaned over and kissed him very lightly, and shortly on the lips. Maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was because he wasn’t wearing his hat, maybe I was addicted to him after the first kiss. But I just ran afterwards, I ran and sat down behind a tree. Because I honestly didn’t know what to do!
Then I heard noises, Ash was packing, and it sounded like Brock had gotten up too. I couldn’t help but smile, maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
All of us were soon traveling in the darkness. I knew what had happened last time, and I was extremely determined not to let it happen again. I led the group as far away, as quickly as I could. It was soon dawn, and then almost noon.
We stopped and sat down to break for lunch when there was one shot, and Brock fell, dead.
I gasped, how could they have found us?
We were far away! Unless…..unless they had been following us. And that would mean it was inevitable, I couldn’t prevent this from happening! But as long as they didn’t find out anymore.
“Run Ash!”
We were off at a full sprint, adrenalin pumping. It came as a total shock when I felt excruciating pain and my leg gave way. How could I be shot?
I hadn’t been shot last time!
Then it came to me.
(FLASHBACK)
The sound of electricity cracking came to my ears as I continued to run. A gun shot was heard, but I kept running. But what hurt the most was Ash’s scream.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
(FLASHBACK)
Something had saved me, but I never realized it because it had happened so fast. But now, it didn’t have the chance, and it was….my turn.
I must have been crumpled in a heap on the ground, looking pitiful, but I closed my eyes and prepared for the inevitable. A shot rang out, but the pain didn’t come, just a heavy weight on my back. Was I dead?
But I managed to open my eyes and……there was Ash, he had blocked the bullet. And the only word I could think of was: failure. Look at what one little mistake made! Look at how easy it was to fail! I had a whole other chance, and look at how quickly I had failed.
And what do to now? There was nothing to live for! Nothing!
I just closed my eyes, wishing I could’ve done something with a chance, wishing I had done anything but fail.
I didn’t dare to open my eyes again, so they stayed closed for the longest time. That caused me to fall asleep, and thus, I woke up.
The surroundings looked familiar, but the havoc and terror didn’t seem to be visible anymore. Ash was not there. Now what had happened!?
My head ached with the confusion of it all. Now accustom to the much smaller body, I started walking a bit, only to meet the last person I’d expect.
“ASH!?”
My mouth was agape, as I awed at the fact he was perfectly unharmed.
“Hi Naketa, I was just looking for you. Brock has dinner ready.”
Confusion, and utter confusion. I just couldn’t understand what was going on! This had already happened, and now it was happening again! Did I get another chance?
That was defiantly what it appeared to be. This time would be different, but unfortunately that meant it had to be the same as the first time, the very first time. The beginning would have to be the same, Ash would have to find out a little bit, but not all.
Again I faked a sarcastic and playful voice, imitating my former self.
“Ok Ash, I’ll race you there!”
It was dark, and I again found myself in my sleeping bag. But this time I had nothing planned. Unfortunately I had to live out this first day just as before, I had to watch two close friends die. Again. I had already tried to stop it, and it didn’t work, they were following and there was no way to get away from that. I banged my fist against the ground. What was I supposed to do after!?
Just hide…….forever? I….guess that….could work. And I just HAD to remember to act like my old self, more problems could arise if I didn’t. But now I have to surrender to this enemy called sleep.
When I finally re-opened my eyes it was well into the day. The glint of dew was gone from the ground. Ash was a few yards away, and I couldn’t see Brock. He was off getting water. Strange knowing the future, strange changing it, strange living the past over again.
I was so tempted to ask Ash what time it was, but would the old Naketa really have done that?
Brock would be shot when he returned, which could be any moment now. I scurried out of my sleeping bag and rolled it up. It really was a beautiful day, I just never really paid attention, with my mind on other things. The sun was high and radiant, a sleeveless shirt allowed my shoulders to feel the internal warmth it gave. Only a light breeze, just enough to let the forest dance. And shadows haunted the floor, almost silhouetting the disaster to come in this picturesque setting.
We were all just so innocent. I glanced over at Ash, carelessly living life without a notion, even a hint, that this was a turning point. Sad isn’t it?
Nowhere to be cowardly, no time to be strong. And that leaves you to feel it, just let it all come at you full force. I could feel the muscles in my fists tightening. How could life be so cruel?
Look at us! Just look! We were happy, with goals and dreams, and fantasies. And all that can be ripped away so easily. No matter how far you reach for them back, your hands return empty, clutching nothing but the darkness. Yes…..it was a good thing we were strong. It was a good thing Ash was strong.
The sound of rustling brush was what I heard next. And at that I lowered my head.
“Oh Naketa, you’re up-”
Brocks voice was cut short by the gun shot. It was sounding all too familiar, almost just like it was part of the scenery, no different than a Spearow’s cry. That distinct sound of a last breath, you can always tell by the sorrowful screech it leaves in your head. Almost screaming “And there will be no more.” Then there’s the falling, the thud of a lifeless form against the living ground. I could never bear to watch.
Ash yelled “Brock!” then quickly ran to his side. He held his fingers to Brocks neck, checking for a pulse.
“Naketa…he..he’s….dead.”
I ran and kneeled down next to him, also surveying Brock’s lifeless form. Cautiously peering into his face I saw a couple tears slither downwards to meet the ground, then suddenly his sad expression changed to one of almost anger. He whispered at me through clenched teeth.
“Who would do this?”
And then a shot rang out again, barely missing my own body. At that Ash screamed “RUN!” And that was exactly what I did, exactly replicating what I had done before. Except this time I remembered to grab my sleeping bag. There was the sound of electricity running through the air, there was that final bullet.
“Ash, we have to get out of here!”
His face was wet with tears, but he still had a sense of control about him. We both ran now, together, anywhere but that clearing in the forest. I couldn’t feel my feet moving, adrenalin was empowering them to speeds I never knew possible. And we just kept going.
It must have been hours later. The trees started to bore me, there were so many in sight. And finally, a clearing. It was surprisingly large, and the trees framed the lush central grass. The shoes that covered my tired feet were caked with dust; I was just so thankful to stop and sit down. Ash was seated beside me, and his face looked hard and cold. Our heavy breathing was all I could hear, until Ash spoke.
“I think we lost them. I hope we lost them. But who were they? And WHY WOULD THEY BE AFTER US?”
He was seriously upset. And so was I in fact, even thought I knew all about it.
“I’m not sure,”
A lie, right there.
“But at least we got away safely, and we can just keep hidden.”
Isn’t that what Ash had told me to do? Keep ourselves out of danger instead of searching for it like we had before?
“No Naketa! We can’t! I have to find out who murdered Brock”
“We don’t stand a chance! Don’t you see that? Even if we did find them they have guns and we don’t!”
“Well then what do you propose we do? Just stay here in the forest and hide forever? Never knowing anything or getting any answers?”
We were both lying down but propping ourselves up with our hands. Oh if only Ash knew what the future was! If only he could see that knowing nothing WAS really the best! I knew he was too stubborn to convince now, when he had just witnessed everything and was enraged. So I neutralized the situation.
“Lets just stay here awhile. We can think about it and get a plan, this isn’t anything to mess with!”
With that his voice softened, he turned away with his head down.
“I thought I knew you better Naketa, I thought you would want to get back at whoever did this. But I see you’re just a coward.”
Oh that hurt, especially coming from him. I really hadn’t been this way, I had been just as fiery as he had been, maybe more. HE had actually been the one to come up with the idea to wait, and settle down, but that had been after another attack.
I released the death grip that was holding a sleeping bag to my ribs. The fabric was cold as I rolled it out along the ground, then slipped in fully clothed. I started shivering. But the sun was up, and the wind was down. Now I was punishing myself; how could I act that way?
You’re not acting the way you would’ve, and what if you loose Ash all together?
I turned my head. His back was towards me, and his right hand drifted against his face then returned. Wiping tears probably. Ash had a lot to cry about his ever faithful friend, Brock the brotherly figure. And now me, acting totally out of character. I was making this harder.
“I’m sorry, Ash.”
I saw his head turn at my voice. Bloodshot eyes met mine.
“I said ‘I’m sorry.’”
With a shaky voice, and through clenched teeth he replied.
“I heard what you said.”
This was definitely wrong, he looked…..furious. So I moved a little closer, slithering in my sleeping bag.
“What’s the matter?”
His eyes narrowed and gleamed glassy like a cobra.
“I want revenge Naketa.”
It had happened so fast, he had cried already, drenching the ground below to a soggy state. But now it was anger, a great hatred towards those who had brought all the suffering upon him. And who could blame him?
I had felt the same way; the two of us had harnessed it, and controlled it, together. But I cannot act that way now! Is it required that I act?
I can’t burst out in tears, I can’t fake a rage.
“I want revenge too…”
My voice cut off there as the words finally sank in to my own consciousness. Damn right I wanted revenge! So I had to say it,
“..You don’t know how much I want it.”
Finally a response, he turned his head slightly to stare at me.
“But I want it now. I want to track them down and assault them with my bare fists.” he said.
I ran my tongue across dry lips,
“You wouldn’t get revenge by killing yourself.”
He didn’t respond, so I kept going.
“They’re sure to come back, so why don’t we be ready? A plan to find out who they are, exactly.”
Or I could just tell you Ash, but……that wouldn’t be fair, and you wouldn’t want to know.
His head moved in a gentle nod.
“I think I have an idea….”
It was around two days later, and I was thankful for remembering my sleeping bag this time. We had camped out in that clearing at night, and during the day were on a constant watch for anyone out of the ordinary, or anyone at all. Now it was dusk, the sky looked a dark shade of royal blue. Clouds circling above us looked black, and even though the setting may sound haunting it was actually quite relaxing and peaceful. In the dead silence Ash and I must’ve been holding our breath.
The gun had a silencer on it too, because all I could hear was the sound of the bullet rushing through the air. The leaves beside my foot flung up in the air and rustled; that is what you call a close call. But we had a plan, and it was executed as Ash ran behind one tree, me behind another. Ash motioned his hands for my attention and mouthed
“Wait.”
The leaves again crackled and flew near my feet. I peeked around the tree, but there was no one there and no rustling in the bushes either. Suddenly Ash started running towards me, trying to get behind the same tree. The whistling of a bullet came, but instead of hitting the ground, Ash fell. Please no, not again! I was just about to go to him, when he lifted his head and nodded gently for me to stay. It was then I realized that there were no more sounds, whoever had been shooting at us was gone. So I went to him, preparing to see any wounds that might have been inflicted.
Expect the worst Naketa. But there was nothing to be seen, no damage had been inflicted.
“I tripped, that’s all.”
He finally concluded, as I wiped my eyes. Ash started to stand up, but I sat down so he just stayed. My heart was still pounding; that fear had overtook me again so I couldn’t help but ache. His black hair was drooping over his eyes, but I could still tell that they were closed in thought. A brisk wind brushed by and I couldn’t help but shiver as the sky turned to ebony.
“It’s impossible for us to find out who’s behind this just by waiting for them to attack, we have no defense. I say we learn to fight.”
There was a pause, as he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.
“I have to get them myself. So I’ve decided that we should stay here…and I will learn to fight.”
How do you respond to such a determined, command?
I suddenly realized at how little I’d done to change anything, because this was almost exactly what had happened the first time. But, what could I do?
Now was the time to rack my brain for ideas though.
Okay, I’ve set up a review forum for you here.
You’re welcome to trip along to my site [URL deleted by B. Mac] for [name deleted], a superhero webcomic in prose. I don’t have the time to keep up with a busy forum like this, but I would be keen to hear what people think about what I’ve been doing for the past year and for anyone who likes it to help spread the word.
W
Hello, Wereviking. I would classify your link to your website as “hit-and-run self-promotion.” If you’d like a link here, you have to contribute something. At the very least, show that you have actually read some of the comments here.
For example, if someone mentioned he was having trouble with picking out a setting that fit his story (or if you felt that his setting was an issue), you could describe how Frank Lloyd Wright’s Atlantic City affects the mood and/or plot of your work. At that point, a link would be justified.
Only the people that are willing to participate get to post links here.
If you don’t have the time to participate, I would recommend trying some other marketing strategies, like buying ads or improving your search engine optimization. Trying to post a link while implying “I don’t care enough about your website to actually read it” is not a winning approach.
Hey B. Mac,
I’d like to set up a review forum as well for the same reasons as AI Writer. I think if I had someplace specifically to put stuff, it’ll help me focus on writing on it more. I’ve already got most of a story completed around one of the anxillary (spelling?) characters that I’m currently working on completing.
It’s basically set in a superhero universe that in part has all the conspiracy theories about genetic tampering and what not being partially true. Stuff going on back to the days of alchemy’s reign has resulted in mutations in the population going forward to modern times. Even includes some expanded science as well, but I like to play with different spins on archetypes.
Hello, Toasty. I’ve set one up for you here.
Thanks B. Mac!
Something really weird’s been going on with it though, everytime I try to post the short story it doesn’t go through… but the post afterwards giving visual references of some of the characters went through. O.o
Can I have a review forum, please. Thank you.
Sure, Scribblar. I’ve put it here. Good luck!
I’ve been on this website for five minutes and I’m thinking, “Why haven’t I seen this site before?!”
Well, I’ve been trying to write a vampire comic book. It’s sort of my anti-Twilight. I should call it that, but Twilight just doesn’t live up to the hype.
My main character is a vampire hunter who lives in a city where humans and vampires are co-existing under a truce (It’s not peacefully, though. Each side is just waiting for the other to make a mistake.), but humans are ignorant of the vampires existence, save a few hunters.
She hunts rogue vampires, fanatical hunters and a female vampire that goes both ways. Her movitation is that she fights to save lives rather than killing vampires. There’s a second motive, but I won’t reveal until later.
There’s a lot I have to tell. But I need some reviews to help me. Not just “It’s okay.” or “It sucks!”. I need constructive criticism.
And so I ask. May I have a review forum?
Thank you.
JunoDagger
I think that in a way, you’re proving Twilight as successful, especially when you’re basing your story as Twilight’s anti-thesis. Similarly to how some authors tried to ride on J.K. Rowling’s wave of success. If anything, it screams to me, “It’s Twilight done right!”. Maybe I’m being prejudiced for disliking vampire-based stories, but your story is a bit cliched. “Blade” comes to mind, especially involving the words “vampire-hunter”, “co-existence”, and “fights to save lives”.
A few questions:
Are you going for a modern vampire approach(seductive creatures, Lestat or Edward), or the nearly ‘archaic’ vampire approach(fugly and crafty, Nosferatu or Dracula)?
What definite weakness and strengths are you going to put into place for the vampires?
Vampires are probably meant to be homo superiors here in your story, what’s stopping them from taking over and doing as they please?
What is motivating your main character from regressing into a mundane life in ignorance of vampires?
Hello, JunoDagger. I’ve set up your forum here. Good luck.
Some broad ideas… vampires (and more broadly urban fantasy) are a brand of fiction I’m not familiar with. I would venture to say they’re better-represented in novels (where they sell extremely well) than comic books. But Buffy’s comic is Dark Horse’s top seller and almost always places in the top 25. (Incidentally, it’s the single best-selling independent comic on the market today).
More specifically, I tend to agree with PaintedSaint that this sounds a bit cliche. However, if the concept is cliche (humans and vampires living under an uneasy truce), you might be able to redeem it with strong execution. For example, what’s the protagonist like in terms of personality and traits? What are some unusual scenes you could do that you wouldn’t find in something like Blade or Lycans?
Hey, B. Mac, I was wondering if you could please wipe my forum clean of comments so I could post something else on there… that would be much appreciated
I’d like to third Becca’s request, but only with my review forum and with more appreciation than she offered, like a cup and a half more. I was way too detailed and meandering in my posts, plus the story’s undergone some major overhauls.
Got it, Becca. I have also e-mailed you a copy of the comments I deleted in case you’d like to go through those in the future.
LM, in response to your superior appreciation
, I have not only cleared your review forum of comments, but also added a link to it at the top of this page. 
Wooh! Thanks!
Thanks, B. Mac! I now heap on some extra appreciation – with a cherry on top. Beat that, Lighting Man!
Sorry, it took me a while to reply.
I know most of it sounds cliche, but it’s becoming harder and harder to come up with ideas these days. Also, I’m a first time writer.
To answer PaintedSaint’s questions:
I’m going with a mix of both, but they’ll blend in with the crowd. I want their victims to drop their guard, thinking they person won’t hurt them and then the strike. Not all of them are beautiful, though. Or have a dark brooding personality for that matter.
As for weaknesses, silver bullets were an obvious choice, but it works for werewolves mostly. Garlic is just plain stupid. It’s supposed to keep vampires away not kill them. Sunlight’s a given. Fall to the ground, sizzle, writhe and scream in pain, burst into flames. Stake to the heart: another lethal end to a vampire’s life, but a lot more difficult than a bullet to the head.
Also, vampires have a leader or Prince (if we’re thinking of Masquerade) to keep the younger children in line. Of course, there are children who say, “Screw this! We shouldn’t be hiding! We’re damned and we should act like it!” and break off to form their own clans and wreak havoc on the poor humans. Those are what the protagonist hunts after.
My character isn’t ignorant of vampires. She’s one of the few hunters who know they exist. Why would a vampire hunter be ignorant of vampires? I have no idea. Also, if she fought just for killing vampires, that would lead her down a path of vengeance and nonstop killing in my belief. What I’m trying to say is that, if she had a choice of chasing after the vampire or saving a human’s life, she’d save the human.
B. Mac: Well, she’s driven and fiery, but she has a tenancy to push people away. She’ll never cross the line, but she would be at the edge and just stay there. She wouldn’t kill civil vampires and doesn’t go on a killing spree every time she sees one.
Well, there aren’t any half-vampires. I wanted one in my story, but I’ve come to realize it doesn’t work most of the time. I also want to try to have the setting in something other than a nightclub or a bar. That’s also cliche and reminds me of Blade. It’s been the setting in two chapters already! Maybe I could have some comedic elements in the story too, make it not so depressing.
If I didn’t answer your questions correctly, I’m sorry. But I’ve been running on two hours of sleep to rewrite my first chapter and it’s still crap. Hopefully I’ll have it posted soon.
-JunoDagger
I’d like a forum. Thanks.
Okay. I’ve set one up for you here, EWill. Good luck!
I think I’ll take the plunge now.
Please set up a review forum for me, and place the following text in the main body:
—
This story, Under the Raven’s Banner, is about an office lady/bridge bunny-type with electric powers who seeks to secure herself professionally (and physically!), even if it means going into combat.
Expect at least a post a week. I will try my best not to abandon this.
Okay, I’ve set it up here. Good luck!
By the way, when you say “story,” do you mean a novel or comic book?
I mean a novel.
If its not to much trouble could you set me up a review forum.
Sure. I’ve set it up for you here. Good luck!