• Any one of Jim’s girlfriends would murder him if she found out.
• Anyone could have told Jim that having four girlfriends was probably an unwise move in terms of not getting murdered.

Also, please keep in mind that both are singular. “Jim’s girlfriends would murder him if they found out” vs. “Any one of Jim’s girlfriends would murder him if she found out.”

Using more than a few said-bookisms per page will probably make the dialogue feel melodramatic and stilted (“I’m hungry,” he uttered). Some common said-bookisms are wrong because they aren’t actually a way to speak.  For example, “I knew you’d come back,” she smiled lazily conflates two actions: the speaking and the smiling.   No, she didn’t smile those words.  It would be clearer and more publisher-friendly to change the phrase to “she said with a smile” or give the two actions their own sentences.

Additionally, animal-sounds are unusually annoying.  It doesn’t take much of him clucking and her purring to sound absolutely ridiculous.

Examples of Incorrect Said-Bookisms (these are rarely if ever appropriate)

• laughed
• chuckled
• smirked
• smiled
• scowled
• wept
• sneezed
• hesitated
• paused

Examples of Melodramatic Said-Bookisms

• berated– this should be obvious.
• cursed– this is only stilted as a tag.  “Damn!” he cursed sounds silly but “He cursed” does not.
• insulted–this should be obvious.
• screamed
• stated– this will feel out of place unless the person is actually speaking with deliberative certainty.  “This man was murdered,” the coroner stated is much more natural than “I’d like a pizza,” Dan stated.
• ejaculated– I haven’t seen this one in print, but I’ve heard horror stories.
• responded, possibly (“replied” usually fits more naturally)
• sneered
• retorted (try “replied” or “countered”)
• uttered
• acknowledged (try “admitted”)

Said-Bookisms That Are Usually Safe

• asked
• lied
• admitted
• snapped
• declared
• accused
• replied (even though it should be obvious)
• exclaimed
• roared
• yelled
• speculated
• mused
• demanded
• whispered
• asserted
• countered
• cut in
• hissed (this sticks out a lot, though… use it very sparingly)
• barked (this also sticks out)

A lot of these are most effective when they provide additional information to the reader.  For example, “I love you,” he lied tells us something that “I love you,” he said doesn’t.   “Accused” and “admitted” can also add meaning.  For example, if the sentence is “you study three hours a day,” it will mean something very different if it is ended with “he accused” rather than “he said.”

Likewise, compare “said” to “admitted” or “boasted” here.

“How much did you bench?” asked the first Marine.  “Three hundred,” admitted the second.
“How much did you bench?” asked the first author. “One thirty,” boasted B. Mac.  (Yeah, the average tween could outbench me, but on a pistol range I’d give a Marine odds).

Cadet Davis reviews and revises the titles of 30 manuscripts submitted to a writing workshop. This will help you evaluate and improve your titles.

Above Average

1. Terrorist Dance Party.  The word terrorist is excellent here; it’s interesting and foreshadows the story’s substance.  As for a terrorist dance party, I think that has a lot of style.  I’m intrigued.

Acceptable

1. And Other Assorted Duties as Needed.  This evokes a jobs listing in a newspaper pretty well, but it’s not specific enough.  What’s the genre here?  The ad might be hiring something mundane (like a babysitter or gofer), or it might be something more outlandish like a wizard’s assistant or a superhero’s sidekick.  This title also lacks style, another problem that could be solved with an interesting detail.  For example, “And Other Dragon-Killing Duties As Needed” (fantasy) or “And Other World-Saving Duties as Needed” (superhero).  I’d also recommend taking out the word “assorted” because it’s mostly redundant with “other.”
2. Falsely Accused.  This adequately identifies the plot, but lacks style and it’s already been used before.  I’d recommend adding a detail to distinguish this story of an innocent man on the run from similar stories.
3. Fortune’s Favor.  This is mediocre.  What’s the genre?  Who’s the beneficiary of fortune and what will he do with it?  Also, this title makes the main character seem pretty boring by emphasizing his luck.  It may help to change the word “fortune” from a noun into an adjective, which would emphasize the main character more.  For example, a superhero story might use “The Lucky Sidekick” and a fantasy might try “The Fortunate Barbarian.”   Some other interesting nouns that crossed my mind: accountant, taxman, cripple, and vagrant, as well as a few recurring genre-specific favorites like demon, ninja, dragon and knight.
4. Guardian Angel.  This is totally devoid of style, but it mostly works because I know what the story’s about and who would enjoy it.  I’d really recommend adding a detail to modify the guardian angel and differentiate this story.  For example, maybe “The Unwilling Angel.”
5. Unrequited.  Surprisingly, this one-word title is acceptable because it seems pretty clearly to be a story of tragic, unrequited love.  That’s a good start.  But I’m virtually positive that a noun would improve this title.  In fact, pretty much any noun besides something over-obvious like love or feelings would help.  For example, “Unrequited Scorn”?  I think that has more style.

1. Among the Shattered and Debris.  Yeah, this title was awful two weeks ago, too.  There’s still incongruity between shattered (a plural noun) and debris (singular).  What’s the sell here?  What’s the book about?  Why should we want to read it?  Are the main characters shattered?  If so, in what way?  This title could be workable, but it probably needs to get less artsy and more literal.
2. Triage.  The lack of a setting here is worrisome.  Is this a story about a futuristic society struggling to deal with a sci-fi plague, or a modern hospital dealing with some serious natural catastrophe, historical fiction, or something else?  I do like the word “triage,” though.  It strongly suggests the story’s subject (how do we deal with this disaster?) and its main character (a doctor or medical professional).  Adding another word would probably add style.  For example, a superhero story like X-Men might try something like “Mutant Triage.”
3. For Eve.  I have no idea who Eve is, what she receives, or why I should care about either.  This title feels like it hasn’t been written for prospective readers.  I’d recommend starting over on this one.
4. God’s porch [sic].  This title’s miscapitalization would get the manuscript instantly rejected, so it’s definitely awful.  That said, I think “God’s Porch” is an almost acceptable head-scratcher.  I think the title is trying to convey that the God of this story is a down-home ruminator.  I’d recommend adding a detail to clarify that.
5. Frankie’s Joynt.  The spelling mistake here is so flamboyant that it must be intentional, but I have no idea what it’s trying to accomplish.  This title makes my head hurt.  Next!
6. Twitch.  What’s the sell here?  Is this a character name or a reference to a twitching eye or maybe a horse-restraining device?  I have no idea what’s going on.  If this is about a character named Twitch, this title fails totally compared to something more stylish like “Barbara Bloodbath” or “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”  What kind of book is this?
7. There Are No Children On the Playground At Night.  First, this felt needlessly long.  Second, the word “night” generally ruins titles, and it’s highly ineffective here.  If this title is supposed to feel creepy, “at night” shoots this title in the foot.  Personally, I think it’s OK for a playground to be vacant at night.  That’s normal, isn’t it?  Not very scary.  If the title is supposed to make us feel that something chilling and unnatural is afoot, I’d recommend something like “The Empty Playground” or “Recess at Midnight.”
8. Six Hours.  This is way too coy.  We need more details.  What’s six hours a reference to?  How long the characters have to spend together on a plane?  How long before a bomb will go off?  How long a character has to live?  For example, “Six Hours to Live” would be OK.
9. Crazy Johansen.  I love the word crazy, and Johansen isn’t awful, but what is this story about?  Surely there’s more going on than just a crazy character.  For example, maybe the story is a comedy about whether a relatively normal character can survive his crazy uncle.  Then “Surviving Crazy Johansen” might be appropriate.
10. Here Be Dragons.  There are a lot of stories with dragons.  This story badly needs to distinguish itself from them.  It also needs more style.  For example, “Backyard Dragon” was a pretty decent name for a story about a real-world kid who finds a dragon.  “His Majesty’s Dragon” was an excellent name about a dragon fighting for the British government.  Rails Across the Dragonlands was a solid choice for a steampunk dragon story.
11. Guardian of the Core.  I’m not entirely sure why I hate this one.  The word “core” really rubs me the wrong way, I suppose.  The core of what?  What’s he guarding against?  Why should I care?
12. A Second Life Obsession.  That’s a plot element, not a story.  Where’s the drama?  For example, “Second Life Widow” is much better because it suggests some conflict between the wife that’s lost touch with her husband because of his Second Life addiction.
13. Sinew and Bone.  Are two parts of the body.  So what?  Where’s the story here?
14. The Haunting Office.  The office is haunting?  Haunting what?  I assume that the author incorrectly meant to use the word “haunted,” but currently it seems to me that the office is some sort of ghost.
15. Dead Letter Office.  I don’t know what’s going on here.
16. Escape from Farside.  Where’s Farside?  Who’s escaping?  Why should I care whether he makes it?
17. Dream Trap.  Are we talking about someone trapped in his sleep, or trapped by an aspiration like the American dream?  If it’s the first one, I’d recommend using a varation of the word “coma” for clarity.  If it’s the second, I’d recommend being more specific and smooth.  Dream Trap is very awkward.
18. Fairytale Country.  Not that I’m biased or anything, but this title isn’t as good as “Superhero Nation.”  Are we talking about a fantasy country where fairy tales happen, a realistic country that feels like a fairy tale (similar to California or Florida at their best), or something else entirely?  In Superhero Nation, I think it’s pretty clear that the nation in question is the United States: the US is the setting of most superhero stories and the country arguably acts like a superhero, with well-intentioned violence and a strong intention that those who can act are morally obliged to (compare Andrew Jackson’s “one man with courage makes a majority” to Spiderman’s “with great power comes great responsibility“).
19. Locked Room.  That’s a place, not a story.  What’s happening in the locked room?  Who’s locked away?  Why should we care?
20. Reaper Kelstarus.  I like the word reaper, but I don’t know what a reaper is here.  As far as names go, Kelstarus isn’t bad, but I don’t know who he is, either.  Next!
21. A Man and the Use of His Hands.  I have no idea what this means by “the use of his hands.”  (No, get your mind out of the gutter).  This feels far too cryptic.
22. A Phantasmagorical Prediction.  I have no idea what Phantasmagorical means.  Unfortunately, anyone that doesn’t know what it means has roughly a 0% chance of being intrigued enough to start reading.
23. Life Code from Brooklyn.  I have no idea what this means.
24. Rat of the Stone Soldiers.  What the hell?
25. 999.  This is probably the worst of the week.  What is 999 a reference to?  Where’s the story here?

This article was the ninth part of a series. If you’d like to read our reviews of other batches of titles, please see the list just below.

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4
• Part 5
• Part 6
• Part 7
• Part 8
• Part 9

(Courtesy of xkcd).

Please don’t invent words when an immediate English translation is available.

That invented use of “Westinghouse” is brilliant. Which words could you repurpose for your fiction?

1. Good
2. Nice
3. Alright
4. Well
5. Mean (adjective)
6. Interesting
7. Vivid (hat-tip to anonymous commenter)
8. Of course (hat-tip to T3knomanser)
9. Smart (hat-tip to Jacob)

Did I forget any words you love to hate?

1) The author feels uncomfortable about plagiarism charges. If your work closely resembles better-known stories, it may tempt you to claim that yours is a parody. For example, if a few of your characters are essentially Superman and Wolverine, claiming that your work is a superhero parody may encourage readers (and lawyers!) to forgive you for drawing on those characters. However, to actually parody something you have to provide some commentary or spin on the source material. What are you attempting to suggest to us about Wolverine, Superman or superheroes in general?

For example, Superhero Nation is not very parodical, but we do try to lampoon the way in which superhero stories generally portray police forces as overwhelmingly incompetent. For example, Mary Jane gets kidnapped about twice a year and no one seems to notice. We try to subvert that by having characters mention “that’s the fourth time this month!” and not draw the obvious inference that someone is obviously after the damsel in distress for some reason. Our mostly fictional police agency actually puts the pieces together and keeps a file on every repeat-kidnap victim, because they’re obviously close friends of superheroes in disguise. (There really isn’t any other reason someone would randomly get kidnapped repeatedly. I doubt anyone in the United States has been).

2) The author isn’t quite sure what a parody is. Our contributors can certainly relate to that! Is your book really a parody, or is it in fact some other kind of comedy? If the comedy of your book comes from generally absurd situations, it’s probably more correct to call it a farce than a parody. Alternately, it may be more precise to say it’s a dark comedy, slapstick or satire (like a parody but usually higher-brow). Using the correct word will help ensure that publishers and readers won’t feel jilted.

41. Please make sure that all the characters in a scene play a distinct role. If you have many characters talking in a scene, do you need all of them? If two serve essentially the same role, probably not. For example, if you wanted to write a scene about a teen getting chewed out by his parents for underage drinking, it probably wouldn’t make sense to include both parents unless they each added something. For example, if one parent were more lenient than the other, then having both would allow the teen to play the two parents against each other, which could be dramatic.

Likewise, it’s very important to make sure that all of the characters in your book serve a distinct role. If you can merge two characters into one, it will probably tighten your manuscript and improve your characterization.

42. Don’t let your title misdirect readers. For example, don’t refer to another work in your title unless your story is actually related to that work.  If I were writing a story about lambs seeking refuge, calling it Asylum of the Lambs would be spectacularly ineffective. My title may be a witty play on “Silence of the Lambs,” but unless my story actually has something to do with crime or psychological drama or serial-killing, or a SOTL parody, I’ve completely mismarketed my book.

Symbolic language can also misdirect readers.  For example, if I were writing a story about a solitary guy, calling it Lone Wolf might convince some readers that it somehow includes a wolf. That may turn off your target audience (“good God, why would I want to read a talking animal story?”) Is there any way that a chunk of your audience might misunderstand a word or phrase you’ve used in your title?  If so, please revise it.

43. Please avoid flat protagonists. Readers are generally more interested by characters that grow and develop over the course of the story than by flat characters. I have no doubt that your action sequences are helluva interesting, but what do they show us about the characters? Flat characters usually lead to disappointing conclusions.

44. Try to keep your book consistent. Although your plot will undoubtedly grow and expand, it will jar readers if it changes in such a way that it appeals to a different audience. For example, if you’re writing a mostly light-hearted story, writing in a murder-rape sequence would be unwise. The people that want a light-hearted story are going to drop out, and anyone that actually wanted to read about a murder-rape wouldn’t have gotten past the first chapter.  Here are some ways your story might shift away from its starting audience…

1) Changing the genre. Please do not suddenly throw paranormal, mystical or magical elements into a mostly realistic story. I’ve also read a few fantasy manuscripts that suddenly swerved towards science fiction by introducing advanced technology or magic that looked a lot like advanced technology (magic… in space!)

2) Switching main characters. This suggests that the story’s substance and focus have changed dramatically. Be careful. Will the new character interest the same readers? Probably not.

3) Changing the mood or weirdness level. Some beginning authors let their writing grow too dark and/or weird.

4) Suddenly including the author’s political or religious beliefs. Books with a political or religious message can work (sometimes spectacularly) but usually only among a well-defined, pre-established audience. To successfully write such a book, you have to appeal to the audience from page 1.

45. Please avoid forms of the word “got” as much as possible. According to a friend in the publishing industry, words like “got” and “gotten” may trip up a publisher.  If you remove them, it will  probably enhance the rhythm and flow of your sentences.

This article was the ninth part of a series. If you’d like to read about how to avoid other common writing mistakes, you’ll find the links just below.

Here are some common offenders:

1. Well
2. You know
3. Yeah
4. Oh
5. Like
6. Umm
7. OK
8. I mean
9. Seriously
10. Basically