This article will focus on how to craft gripping scenes that immerse readers in the story. First, I will start with an absolutely awful scene, offer a revision, and then draw connections about how you can make your scenes more immersive.
My mini-scene
The elf hit the orc with his shield, giving him enough time to cast Fireball. It shot out of his land like a bullet.
This scene completely fails to immerse readers.
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“like a bullet” feels distinctly inappropriate for a conventional fantasy story (let’s assume that’s what it is).
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What’s the fireball like? This wasted a huge opportunity.
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The passage used weak and generic verbs (hit, cast and shot).
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We can’t really visualize the fight. What happens to the orc that lets the elf cast Fireball?
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What’s the elf like? Or the orc? We can’t really visualize either beyond the barest mental cliches.
A somewhat better version of my mini-scene
The orc swung wildly with its masher. The elf instinctively ducked. A cool breeze fanned the elf’s face as the hammer rushed by. The elf sprang up with his shield, smashing the orc’s face. It fell backwards, chains rattling as it crashed into the ground. The orc’s bloodyshot eyes fluttered, unfocused as though gazing at something miles away.
But it was alive.
“Spirits of fire…”
Mystical energy welled in the elf’s chest and smoke pooled in his lungs. The smoke. He lived for the smoke.
“I implore you…” he aimed his hand at the prone orc. Power surged from his heart, as though magma were rushing through him. Clumps of his skin charred and flaked away in the wind.
“Incendio!”
A geyser of fire hot enough to melt stone gushed out of his fingers. The orc’s top half disintegrated completely. And the bottom half… only he and the gods would know it had ever belonged to something alive.
The elf inspected the black gashes that ran up his heavily charred, heat-withered arm. Regrowing skin and bone was simple enough that any apprentice healer could have his arm functional within an hour. But the scars, the scars were permanent. In any case, they made for great bar stories.
Then he noticed that his fingernails had burnt away.
“Dammit!”
It took weeks for fingernails to grow back.
This story is better, but it still has many problems… “incendio”? Come on. More substantively, we have no impression of the physical setting, where the story is taking place. (Is this fight happening in… an open field? An Orcish coliseum? An astral plane? What’s the weather like? How does the terrain affect the duel? Who, if anyone, is watching? Is anyone else fighting? What time is it? How humid is it?)
In contrast, this scene does develop the cultural setting. We learn a lot about the elf here and his society. He spends as much time thinking about his burnt fingernails as he does about killing the orc.
The sensory imagery is occasionally solid– particularly the fire/smoke/imagery– but aside from that it was pretty bland…
Making Your Scenes More Immersive
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Sensory imagery is critical. “He cast a fireball” is too bland to captivate readers.
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Show us what the spell does to the victim, the caster, the terrain, etc. Give us the smoke!
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Try to engage as many senses as possible. Smell and touch are particularly immersive and visceral. Sight and hearing are obviously important but are usually more generic.
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Focus on the elements that separate your story from every other story we’ve read. A fight between elves and orcs on the beach should not focus on the seagulls. Likewise, a story with a dragon character (ie a dragon that actually has lines) had damn well better describe and use the dragon. Give us the dragon!
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You have to show readers where the scene is happening.
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The best way to develop the setting is to show your characters interacting with the scenery. For example, if the fight is in a tavern, bystanders might jeer or root for one combatant. The elf might use a chair or mug as a weapon. More generically, the elf might choke on the smoke that comes from the fireball or his eyes might water.
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Don’t overwhelm your audience with trivial details. For example, if they fight on a beach, describing the sounds of the waves hitting the beach probably won’t add much. But mentioning that the sand offers bad footing will help your readers visualize the scene.
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Explain the cultural setting. What are the people in your world like? How are their thought processes and cultures different from ours?
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Above, the elf is pretty messed up. He talks about his scars at taverns and cares more about his fingernails than burning an orc to death. If I had only described him as an elf, the audience would have assumed he was elegant, high-minded, nature-attuned, etc. What is this, Dungeons and Dragons?*
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Readers prefer unique settings.
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What is the focus (or purpose) of your scene?
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Originally, my fireball scene was an action scene, describing only the elf-orc fight. The rewrite was far more character-driven. I used the fight as a vehicle to portray the elf.
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Mixing up scenes is usually more effective. You can drown your readers in action (or dramatic dialogue). I tried to mix action and character development here and I think it was pretty effective.
