Superhero Nation: how to write superhero novels, comic books and superhero books » Dialogue

Dialogue Checklist

B. McKenzie — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 20:12:35 +0000

1. Do the characters have distinct voices? Voice can be influenced by diction and syntax, the sorts of details they’d notice and/or mention, personality, how educated they sound, accents, etc. If the characters sound distinct, readers should usually be able to tell who is saying what even if you cut out most of the dialogue tags (like “John yelled” and “Mary said”).

2. Are characters talking naturally, rather than just narrating for the benefit of readers? One red flag here is that the characters are recapping what they already know (“As you know, Bob…”). If characters talk about things they already know, you can use the conversation to develop some new angle, like what they’re doing moving forward. Make sure that your characters have a reason of their own to talk–if they’re talking about something because you want them to, it will probably feel stilted.

3. Please don’t have characters incessantly address each other by name. That’s annoying, Greg. People don’t talk like that, Greg. If the characters are well-voiced and/or have distinct goals, it should usually be obvious who’s delivering each line without such addresses. If not, adding a dialogue tag like “Mary said” is usually less annoying than adding an address. (I wouldn’t recommend using one every line, though).

4. Does all of the dialogue develop a character and/or advance the plot? Please stay away from chatting, idle chatter that doesn’t go anywhere. Chatting tends to waste space and stall the plot. For example, it’d probably be boring for characters to talk about the weather unless you’re, say, trying to foreshadow an impending hurricane.

4.1. Are the characters trying to accomplish anything? If the characters are just idly talking without any particular goal, I think that’s a red flag that the characters are chatting. Give the characters objectives that really matter to them. For example, if a detective is trying to figure out whether Jim is the murderer and Jim is trying to allay the detective’s concerns, it’d be really surprising if the conversation weren’t interesting.

5. Have you handled your dialogue tags well? Here are some common problems that can arise with dialogue tags.

Don’t use unnecessary tags. For example, “I’ll never leave you,” he promised uses an unnecessary “he promised.” Readers can easily tell this is a promise, so you don’t need to beat them over the head with it.
Please don’t load up on exotic substitutes for “said” that don’t add anything. I wouldn’t recommend using an exotic substitute for “John said” unless the substitute word provides some information to readers that they wouldn’t otherwise have. For more details on how to use substitutes for “said” effectively, please see this article.

How to Use Dialogue Tags Effectively

B. McKenzie — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 16:34:02 +0000

Dialogue tags are phrases like “he said” or “she joked” that let readers know which speaker is delivering a line.

1. If the dialogue tag isn’t necessary, remove it. Does the dialogue tag provide enough information to readers to justify spending 2+ words? I’ve read manuscripts with hundreds of unnecessary dialogue tags. Cutting back can free up pages for actual content.

WASTE OF SPACE: “I’ll never leave you,” he promised. “I’ll never leave you” is obviously a promise, so “he promised” is unnecessary.
HELPFUL: “You study three hours a day,” she accused. Without “she accused,” readers might misinterpret this as a compliment.

2. Make sure your tags fit the context of the sentence.

WRONG: “I want a pizza,” he stated. “Stated” is far too formal to fit here. (It also connotes deliberation and authority/confidence, like someone delivering an official finding or report).
RIGHT: “This man was murdered,” the coroner stated.
SO VERY WRONG: “I want a pizza,” he ejaculated.

3. Please be sparing with exotic tags. They tend to be more distracting than basic words like “said.” Remember the ejaculated pizza above? I can guarantee that you paid more attention to the tag than the line of dialogue. Don’t distract your audience from what matters most, which is almost always the dialogue rather than the tag.

RED FLAG: Fewer than half of the dialogue verbs in the manuscript are “said,” “asked” or “replied.”

4. If you’re not sure about how to punctuate dialogue, please check this out.

“This shouldn’t look right”, said B. Mac. If you’re not 100% sure what’s wrong with that sentence, I’d recommend spending 5-10 minutes reading this. It’s more pleasant than spending hours scouring your manuscript for hundreds of misplaced punctuation marks or hiring a proofreader to do it. (I proofread novel manuscripts for 1 cent per word, so you could save $700 on a 70,000 word manuscript by acing this on your own).

Please don’t use “Is that a threat?”

B. McKenzie — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 04:46:55 +0000

I roll my eyes whenever a character asks another “Is that a threat?“* The question is almost always a setup for a third-rate one-liner. Here are some responses that are usually poor.

“No. It’s a promise!” This is ludicrously cliche. If you’re hooked on that line, I’d recommend coming up with a different contrast. Maybe “It’s an opportunity” or “It’s a lesson” or whatever fits the situation.
“Yes,” “Absolutely” or any other generic yes answer. Generally, when a character has made a threat, the threat is so patently obvious that the question is completely unnecessary. Unless the threat is unclear, “Is that a threat?”/”Yes” will only waste two sentences and make the first character come off as mentally slow.
“Take it any way you like.” This is pretty bland and cliche. I think this is usually a missed opportunity to come up with a dodge more uniquely tailored to the character and circumstances. For example, if a distant father implies that his son will get cut off from the trust fund unless his grades improve, he might respond to “Is that a threat?” with an action or line that suggests how unconcerned he is about what his son thinks. Maybe he lights up a cigarette or dismissively changes the subject with something like “Chardonnay?”
“No, it’s a fact.” Also cliche.

*”Is that blackmail?” raises similar problems.

Writing exercise: Write a scene that effectively uses “Is that a threat?”

Don’t Overuse Exotic Substitutes for “Said”

B. McKenzie — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 09:37:01 +0000

Beginning authors tend to overuse “said bookisms,” which are words used to replace the word “said.” For example, in the sentence “I’m ready!” he declared, declared is a said-bookism.

Using more than a few said-bookisms per page will probably make the dialogue feel melodramatic and stilted (“I’m hungry,” he uttered). Some common said-bookisms are wrong because they aren’t actually a way to speak. For example, “I knew you’d come back,” she smiled lazily conflates two actions: the speaking and the smiling. No, she didn’t smile those words. It would be clearer and more publisher-friendly to change the phrase to “she said with a smile” or give the two actions their own sentences.

Additionally, animal-sounds are unusually annoying. It doesn’t take much of him clucking and her purring to sound absolutely ridiculous.

Examples of Incorrect Said-Bookisms. These aren’t actually ways to speak.

laughed
chuckled
smirked
smiled
scowled
wept
sneezed
sneered

More Potentially Hazardous Said-Bookisms.

berated–it should be obvious when a character is berating someone, so this is usually unnecessary.
cursed– this is only stilted as a tag. “Damn!” he cursed sounds silly but “He cursed” does not.
insulted–this should be obvious.
thanked–this will usually be obvious. But if it’s not, I think it could be useful.
stated–Only use “stated” if the person is actually speaking with deliberative certainty. “This man was murdered,” the coroner stated is much more natural than “I’d like a pizza,” Dan stated.
ejaculated– I haven’t seen this one in print, but I’ve heard horror stories.
responded, possibly (“replied” usually fits more naturally)
retorted (try “replied” or “countered”)
uttered
acknowledged–in most cases, I’d recommend “admitted.”

Said-Bookisms That Are Usually Safe

asked
lied
admitted
snapped
declared
accused
replied (even though it should be obvious)
exclaimed
roared
yelled
speculated
mused
demanded
whispered
asserted
countered
cut in
hissed (this sticks out a lot, though… use it very sparingly)
barked (this also sticks out)

A lot of these are most effective when they provide additional information to the reader. For example, “I love you,” he lied tells us something that “I love you,” he said doesn’t. “Accused” and “admitted” can also add meaning. For example, if the sentence is “you study three hours a day,” it will mean something very different if it is ended with “he accused” rather than “he said.”

Likewise, compare “said” to “admitted” or “boasted” here.

“How much did you bench?” asked the first Marine. “Three hundred,” admitted the second.
“How much did you bench?” asked the first author. “One thirty,” boasted B. Mac.

Writing Tip of the Day: Make Your Characters Uncomfortable

B. McKenzie — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:28:40 +0000

If your characters are comfortable, chances are that the story isn’t doing anything interesting. “Could you pass me a crumpet, dearie?” Far too many manuscripts get bogged down in characters chatting. Scenes that focus on chatting are typically boring and pointless. Fortunately, you can easily fix these scenes by adding discomfort and conflict. What if the two conversants hated each other but couldn’t avoid talking? What if John and Margaret had utterly failed on a joint project at work and they could only keep their job by moving past what had gone wrong? Or what if John were obnoxiously, madly in love with Margaret? Suddenly the scene has potential. Dramatic possibilities abound.

Here’s a webcomic to help remind you to keep things uncomfortable.

Gender-Based Differences in Speech

Cadet Davis — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 18:05:25 +0000

I found these two articles on writing male speech and female speech quite useful.

Writing Tip of the Day: Avoid Superfluous Lines of Dialogue

Cadet Davis — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 02:21:22 +0000

This article will help you write tight and effective dialogue, courtesy of Shut Up, He Explained.

1) Please cut out as many undramatic questions as possible. Hopefully your dialogues don’t read anything like this…

“Would you like to see the murder-weapon, Detective?”

“Yes, Dan.”

“It is over here, sir.”

“On that shelf?”

“Yes, sir.”

This conversation is plodding and painfully undramatic. First, it wastes time discussing two boring details: the detective’s objective and the precise location of the weapon. The readers probably already know the first item and the second item is hardly important enough to warrant three lines. If I were rewriting this, I would start the conversation by having the detective declare that he wants to examine the weapon. Then Dan would finish the conversation by saying that it’s on the shelf. That would bring this conversation to an acceptable two lines. However, since the audience probably already knows what the detective wants, we may be able to cut it to a single line (Dan saying where the weapon is). It’s not quite as smooth, but readers will probably be smart enough to figure it out.

As a rule of thumb, questions tend to bore readers when A) the questioner and questionee enjoy a wholly cooperative relationship and/or B) the information is already known to the readers and characters involved. If either of the above conditions is true, it’s probably best to shorten the conversation to the minimum length required to tell readers what’s going on. Another option is making the relationship between the questioner and the questionee more complex and conflicted. Conflict makes the search for information more entertaining and it also gives the author a better opportunity to develop the protagonist’s mettle.

2) Don’t spend too much time handling greetings and niceties. In fiction, it is rarely worthwhile to write in niceties like “hello, how are you doing?” Cut the fluff. What are they really there to talk about? Paring back your greetings to “hello” or something similarly short will help readers keep going.

3) Keep your conversations moving forward. One writing guide recommends that authors develop conversations by avoiding direct responses from one character to another. For example, let’s say the first line of dialogue is “The ship’s wheel isn’t turning.” An indirect response would be something like “Let’s pump the forward tanks,” as opposed to something like “Yeah, I know what you mean.” The indirect response provides momentum and will help you avoid situations where characters muse idly.

Index: Writing Guides

Cadet Davis — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 04:29:14 +0000

How to Improve Your Characters

How to Improve Your Titles

Introductions and Prologues

Structuring Your Story

Becoming a Professional Writer

Plotting and Pacing

How to Avoid Common Writing Mistakes

Dialogue

Other Writing Mechanics and Miscellaneous

Genre Writing and Resources

ANYTHING SUPERHERO: How to Make Interesting Headquarters for Superheroes and Villains
FANTASY OR SUPERHERO ACTION: How to Keep Your Superpowers and/or Magic Extraordinary
ACTION: How to Pace an Action Scene
ROMANCE: Common Pitfalls of Romance (ReTARDised Whovian)
ROMANCE: How to Make Your Love Interest a Real Character (Banana Slug)
COMEDY: How to Write Comedy
COMEDY: How to Write Parodies (Tom)
DETECTIVE/MYSTERY: Probing for Inconsistencies

Research and Resources

Editing and Refining Your Work

Getting Published and Self-Publishing

Target Audience

Social Commentary in Fiction