• Any one of Jim’s girlfriends would murder him if she found out.
• Anyone could have told Jim that having four girlfriends was probably an unwise move in terms of not getting murdered.

Also, please keep in mind that both are singular. “Jim’s girlfriends would murder him if they found out” vs. “Any one of Jim’s girlfriends would murder him if she found out.”

Using more than a few said-bookisms per page will probably make the dialogue feel melodramatic and stilted (“I’m hungry,” he uttered). Some common said-bookisms are wrong because they aren’t actually a way to speak.  For example, “I knew you’d come back,” she smiled lazily conflates two actions: the speaking and the smiling.   No, she didn’t smile those words.  It would be clearer and more publisher-friendly to change the phrase to “she said with a smile” or give the two actions their own sentences.

Additionally, animal-sounds are unusually annoying.  It doesn’t take much of him clucking and her purring to sound absolutely ridiculous.

Examples of Incorrect Said-Bookisms (these are rarely if ever appropriate)

• laughed
• chuckled
• smirked
• smiled
• scowled
• wept
• sneezed
• hesitated
• paused

Examples of Melodramatic Said-Bookisms

• berated– this should be obvious.
• cursed– this is only stilted as a tag.  “Damn!” he cursed sounds silly but “He cursed” does not.
• insulted–this should be obvious.
• screamed
• stated– this will feel out of place unless the person is actually speaking with deliberative certainty.  “This man was murdered,” the coroner stated is much more natural than “I’d like a pizza,” Dan stated.
• ejaculated– I haven’t seen this one in print, but I’ve heard horror stories.
• responded, possibly (“replied” usually fits more naturally)
• sneered
• retorted (try “replied” or “countered”)
• uttered
• acknowledged (try “admitted”)

Said-Bookisms That Are Usually Safe

• asked
• lied
• admitted
• snapped
• declared
• accused
• replied (even though it should be obvious)
• exclaimed
• roared
• yelled
• speculated
• mused
• demanded
• whispered
• asserted
• countered
• cut in
• hissed (this sticks out a lot, though… use it very sparingly)
• barked (this also sticks out)

A lot of these are most effective when they provide additional information to the reader.  For example, “I love you,” he lied tells us something that “I love you,” he said doesn’t.   “Accused” and “admitted” can also add meaning.  For example, if the sentence is “you study three hours a day,” it will mean something very different if it is ended with “he accused” rather than “he said.”

Likewise, compare “said” to “admitted” or “boasted” here.

“How much did you bench?” asked the first Marine.  “Three hundred,” admitted the second.
“How much did you bench?” asked the first author. “One thirty,” boasted B. Mac.  (Yeah, the average tween could outbench me, but on a pistol range I’d give a Marine odds).

Fox News: “We expect Russia to insure that all lines of communication and transport, including seaports, airports, roads and airspace, remain open for the delivery of humanitarian assistance and for civilian transit,” Bush said.

No, Fox, no! You will rot in the deepest, hottest bowels of grammatical hell. Devils will stab you with semi-colons until you beg for death’s sweet embrace.