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I’ve always had great respect for figures like Dr. Doom, Dr. Impossible, Paingod, Lex Luthor and others, though not because of anything they have done. Of course, they haven’t done anything, besides getting repeatedly kicked around the block by their antagonists.  I respect them because it takes a very special sort of person to twirl one’s mustache (metaphorically speaking) and declare that you are finally invincible, just like the last 100 times except that you mean it this time.

Obviously, I am not that sort of person. For one, I don’t have a mustache and have never written quippy threats well.  In fact, I’ve never done any sort of writing well, as you might have surmised from my virtually empty author category. My poor writing skills do not disappoint me; I got a M.S. in biochemistry from an university you’ve probably heard of, and I play the piano, so there. And, most importantly, I’m very inquisitive. For example, I did not passively accept the suggestion from my press consultant that I change “an university” to “a university” or “a M.S.” to “an M.S.” [I’m right on this– B. Mac]

I’ve always used an before words that start with vowels and a for words that start with consonants. But other project contributors quickly confirmed that “an university” is wrong because “it just feels wrong.”

It just feels wrong.

Which leads me to my mission statement (hopefully you’ll understand the connection I’m attempting to draw). [Actually, I don’t. I’d recommend a revision. If you’re trying to draw some sort of parallel between the a/an issue and you feeling that some aspect of humanness “just feels wrong” despite what one has been taught to the contrary, please be more explicit.– B. Mac]

Evil-Corp Publishing Presents: So You Want to be a Supervillain!

1. If you ever capture your opponents, kill them immediately. If possible, execute them yourself—leave nothing to chance. “But how will my most hated enemies see my glorious schemes come to fruition?” They won’t—they’ll be dead. That’s the point. Have their descendants serve as slaves and/or witnesses to your undying greatness.
2. As attractive as doomsday devices are, they don’t provide a very credible threat. Would you really destroy the world you live on? Even the UN will laugh at you rather than recognize the magnificence of your doomsday device. For a nominal fee, however, you can buy EvilCorp’s InstaWorld Kit*. Then the only question is this: would you rather have a billion dollars or the chance to get rid of the UN?
3. Villainous devices will work only once. You will only be able to shrink/zap/body-swap with a cabbage/etc. to a hero once. Any subsequent attempt to use the device will end in disaster. If the hero survives the first use, switch to conventional weaponry and ready your escape pods.
4. If any minion suggests any plot that involves monkeys—simian minions, devolution rays, etc.—shoot him immediately and feed him to real minions, like sharks or animated trash compactors. Superheroes still laugh at us because of the “monkey business” of the 1940s-70s.
5. If your villainous speech includes anti-American diatribes– even accurate ones– expect any federal agents to open fire. (So much for “freedom of speech,” right?)

*People not included.

The International Society of Supervillains has the dirt on “superheroes” that are really tools. Reed Richards, Namor and Superman take the cake.

This Thanksgiving scene is dedicated to a certain police show renowned for its perversely ghoulish characters. And Razorback and other heroes/villains that base their identity on laughably ridiculous animals. (My pig-sense is tingling!)

OSI Caselog 8633: Murder of Max “WARTHOG” Slanty

Relevant background: Warthog was wanted for armed robbery, grand larceny, attempted murder, felony assault and battery and twelve other aggravated crimes committed across New York. He wore a mask, establishing federal jurisdiction pursuant to KKK Act.
Two weeks ago, an unknown terrorist group posted a video of Warthog bound and gagged via Al Jazeera. Relation and motive were then unknown. No Warthog–jihad or Warthog–Mid East or other relevant political/religious connections were then known.

OSI analysis of video led to an investigation into the Greenwood neighborhood. Search by smell identified 1020 Ruedale Avenue as a house of interest. Captain CARNAGE, Agent BLACK, Agent ORANGE dispatched: three PM, last Monday.

ON-SCENE INVESTIGATION

CARNAGE: The front door’s been picked.

ORANGE: The door’s clean.

CARNAGE: People inside?

ORANGE: Possibly. Strong iron residues. Probably not explosives. I suspect… I suspect… never mind.

CARNAGE: Black, you aim right. I’ll take left. On three. One, two, three.

CARNAGE: Clear!

BLACK: Clear!

ORANGE: Carnage, wait. Wait. What do you make of that flag?

CARNAGE: Looks similar to Hezbollah’s with some elements of the Saudi flag. The background is green, maybe it’s an offshoot organization. Definitely the same one as in the video…

ORANGE: Black, could you come here a second? … closer.

ORANGE: (Could you distract Carnage?)

BLACK: (What?)

ORANGE: (Keep him from going downstairs. You too. I’m going down alone– I suspect the situation warrants a nonhuman).

BLACK: (Your call). Hey, Captain. What does the Arabic on the flag say?

CARNAGE: Death to the infidel pigs, soilers of the Proph…

…

ORANGE proceeds downstairs.

(Horrific stench of blood. Scent of one American human in basement–cologne, donut and coffee– and Warthog’s corpse, likely. Much blood).

ORANGE turns around corner.

ORANGE: Hands up. On your head. Now!

ORANGE: Who are you? What the hell are you doing here?

???: John Mershire. I’m with New York Crime Scene Investigations.

ORANGE: … where is your badge? No! Hands back on your head. Tell me where your badge is.

CSI: Right pocket. I can reach…

ORANGE: No. I will. (Badge number subsequently verified– Logistics). Why did you come here?

CSI: There was a sound complaint.

ORANGE: … where have the other police officers gone?

CSI: There haven’t been any other cops yet.

ORANGE: You didn’t call for backup!?

CSI: *he flashes his gun holster.* CSI isn’t helpless, you know.

ORANGE: (I believe that the assessment that he wasn’t really a CSI officer was reasonable at this point; this is too egregious a violation of what I could only imagine to be correct municipal procedure that his story seemed suspect– Orange). You saw the flag. This is obviously a terrorism investigation scene. Did you take any procedures to ensure that the scene was clear of explosives and suspects?

CSI: Relax. This seemed like a cut-and-dry suicide case… and besides, I’ve handled suspects before.

ORANGE: You’re CSI!

CSI: Damn straight.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What have you seen here?

CSI: Well, so I thought it was a suicide, right? Here, follow me.

ORANGE: I’m concerned that walking into that room would scar your mind. It smells unpleasant.

CSI: Relax.
ORANGE: (Your sanity, buddy).

CSI: So, the first thing I noticed about the scene was the body, obviously. One of the details CSI personnel are trained to look for is the position of the head relative to the body. Specifically, in this case the head appears to have been severed from the torso and stuffed with an apple on what looks to be a banquet table.

ORANGE: …

CSI: That was my first indication that it wasn’t a suicide.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Then I noticed that the wall was soaked with his blood, and blood doesn’t normally spray five to six feet from a body. The lightings kind of bad here, but Luminol showed that his blood had been used to scrawl some sort of message. That also suggested that he was killed by someone else.

ORANGE: …

CSI: I also notice that the body has been sliced open and stuffed with, uhh, maybe bread and raisins. Almonds too, I think. Which sucks. It reminds me of the Thanksgiving feast I could be having right now.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Speaking of dead pigs, we’re having a honey-roasted ham tonight. But that got me thinking: if a police officer eats ham, is that cannibalism?

ORANGE: …

CSI: See, a police officer is a “pig” and a ham is also pig.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m reluctant to bring this up. However, my press consultant has encouraged me to offer an About the Author section to explain why I post so rarely and am currently a federal fugitive… three hundred million counts of attempted murder, etc. The infrequent posting and national manhunts are not unrelated, I assure you.
If you would like to contact me, it would be easiest to reach my press consultant (and co-author) at BMcKenzie05-at-aol.com . Contacting me directly would be more legally problematic.

Yeah, that’s pretty much my mission statement. That’s pretty much all you need to know about me, but you can learn more about me when I make my first appearance in chapter 4, Everybody Dies.

Jacob Mallow is a bio-chemist that once worked in the St. Louis area. He now writes from an undisclosed location.

Hello. In addition to my normal articles on writing, I now have Writing Case Studies.  Each entry will review a book and then describe what writers should take away from what worked and what didn’t from the book.

This makes it a bit easier to describe problems/successes in characterization and plotting that might otherwise be abstract.

So far I have:

• Soon I Will Be Invincible
• Empire of Ivory

I’d really appreciate if you’d like to suggest any novels, particularly ones with superheroes or high fantasy generally.  I focus on those kinds of novels because they often have the same challenges and audience expectations as Superhero Nation.

• Creating a world more or less by scratch
• Making a fantastic world serious enough that people won’t hear your premise and groan
• Combining action and non-action components into a workable whole.

Two questions.

1. Do you live outside of Austin or San Antonio?
2. Do you hate puppies?

If you answered no to both questions, look into the TSA’s puppy adoption program.

(Sorry, Oklahoma… this is just another reason Texas is cooler).

Everybody knows that ladies go nuts for puppies and Texan ladies swoon especially for servicepuppies.  Fortunately, you can get the ladies and save the day, thanks to the servicepuppy adoption program.

You don’t hate servicepuppies, do you?

A supervillain is easily identifiable because power is sexy.  That’s why we always get the best women (no one really wants to date a mild-mannered reporter or an inept freelance-photographer).  But superheroes are also easy to identify if you know what to look for: the bumbling factor.  The more bumbling someone is, the more superpowers he’s waiting to unleash. For example, the last time my henchmen attempted to break into a presidential convention, they got absolutely shellacked by Tucker Carlson. If you have ever wondered whether someone that looks that bumbling could only get on TV because he was really a superhero, you’re not alone.

There’s really no way to know how many of my plots have been spoiled by Carlson and Alan Colmes, but I’d feel pretty confident saying that they’re the main barrier between me and global domination.

I’d give you two guesses whether it’s Hannity or Colmes that’s the bane of supercriminals everywhere. Remember, people that look bumbling are dangerous. And anyone that looks as bumbling as Colmes can strangle your best assassins with his mind.  Interestingly, Sean Hannity is also a superhero, but any supervillain that fears a conservative diversity hero should reconsider his line of work.

Unsurprisingly, the talk radio guy doesn’t know how important it is to keep his appearance secret.