If you’re not sure what to write about, here are a few sample questions that may help you do a beta-review.

• What do you think about the characters?  How might we make them more interesting, likable and/or dramatic?
• Is the plot coherent?  How might we make it smoother?
• What are some ways we could draw the plot out without making it feel padded?

UPDATE: I’ve made a diagram showing plot-links between the characters.

What this would entail: We’ll give you our novel’s outline, 2-3 pages describing what we envision happening throughout the book.  Over the course of the month, we will write chapters to bring that synopsis to life.  We’d like you to read these chapters and offer advice.  That might look like any or all of the following.

1. Suggest where we might go from there.  Do you have any ideas about what the next few chapters might look like?
2. Mention any glaring weaknesses in our story, characters, dialogue, plot, etc.
3. Suggest any possible improvements.

So, what’s in it for you?

1. Authorial networking. On any given day, I get between 30 and 40 manuscripts, comments and emails.  That’s on top of my writing, studying and thesis research.   So my time is really stretched.  However, if you help beta-review our work, I will assuredly make time for you.
2. Altruism. We really need the help.
3. Marketing. Your publisher may ask you to get other authors to review your work so that you can place favorable blurbs on the inside cover.  I’m not very fond of tying my credibility to other people’s work, but I’ll make an exception for a skilled author that has helped me in the past.

If you’re interested, please either leave a comment or e-mail us at bmckenzie05–at–gmail–dot–com.

Officially, IRS Agent Smith died to a car-bomb. The obituary mentioned his bereaved parents (“we’re heart-broken”), stunned neighbors (“it’s so shocking”) and his beloved dog (no comment). “Agent Smith’s death is a tragic capstone to a noble life of service that led to the prosecution of hundreds of individuals, drug gangs and fraudulent charities,” said a co-worker that Agent Smith doubted he had ever met before.

Smith paced across the office of the US Marshal handling the case. “Until we’ve actually arrested the perpetrators, we don’t want anyone to know you’re alive, or the attackers might try again,” said the Marshal.

“How long will that take?” asked Smith.

“Six months, maybe. Probably no more than a year or two. In the meantime, take some paid administrative leave.”

“Do you think I could tell maybe my co-workers that I’m not dead? I think that would making my eventual return less awkward.”

“We’re still examining the possibility that it was an inside job,” the Marshal added cheerfully.  “In the meantime, it’ll be like an unusually long vacation.”

That lasted about a week. Gary Smith golfed; he bowled; he drove forty-five minutes through the city to try out a new bakery. These ordinarily enjoyable experiences now only addled his mind. Were the caddies fully disclosing their tip income? Was the bowling alley improperly claiming land depreciation as a deduction? But it was the Au Bon Chic bakery that set him off.

“Our registers aren’t working yet,” said the teenager behind the counter. He fumbled with a calculator and gave up. “Your order comes out to, uhh… about $10. And let’s round it up to $11 for taxes?”

“Pre-tax, the meal comes out to $10.45. After Washington’s sales tax, $11.66,” he said quietly.

The French bread left a bad taste in Smith’s mouth.

Like most bad life-decisions, his next involved a bar. “I think I’m suffering from law-enforcement withdrawal,” he said to his drinking buddies.

“Fuck,” said the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms detective.

“Fuck,” agreed the DEA investigator. “I got two weeks of vacation last year, and it was so bad that halfway through that just driving past a skating park made me break into a sweat.”

“Can’t you just tell them you don’t want the vacation?” asked the ATF detective.

“I can’t. I’m ‘dead.’ I’d appreciate if you didn’t mention that to anyone,” said the IRS agent. His friends nodded sympathetically. They all took a drink of their beers.

“What about transferring? I doubt anyone would try looking for you at FBI or something,” said the ATF detective.

“No one would take me for just six months. The training alone would take that long,” said the IRS agent.

“You could, uhh, try…” trailed off the DEA investigator. He stared at his beer.

“Tell me!”

“Back when I was working in New York, we pulled a sixteen-man drug raid on a gang fortress. There was a helluva lotta blood when we got there. The OSI beat us to the punch, with one guy. Unarmed,” said the DEA investigator.

“Unarmed? Damn!” said the ATF detective.

“OSI?” asked the IRS agent.

“The Office of Special Investigations. It handles supercriminals, so they’re much busier in New York than here. OSI is always hiring, probably because their agents get killed so quickly,” said the DEA investigator.

“Obviously Suicidal Investigators,” said the ATF detective.

“Do you think they’d take agents for a six-month rotation?” asked the IRS agent.

“Do you even carry a sidearm?” asked the ATF agent.

“A Beretta, I think.” It was a point of pride for the IRS agent that he had finally mastered the safety just a year ago.

“Have you ever used it?” asked the DEA investigator.

“As much as any other IRS agent.” That was true, but not much to be proud of. He blushed and reached for his beer.

“Maybe OSI wouldn’t work out for you. It’s some serious shit,” said the DEA investigator. “He used his hands.”

The IRS agent decided to find out if they had any administrative vacancies. A waiter asked them if they wanted their drinks refilled. The IRS agent smiled and made a note to increase his tip from ten to twelve percent.

]]> http://www.superheronation.com/2008/07/03/chapter-mulling/feed/ 2 http://www.superheronation.com/2007/09/25/novel-writing-strategies-and-analysis-or-dont-try-this-at-home-kids/ http://www.superheronation.com/2007/09/25/novel-writing-strategies-and-analysis-or-dont-try-this-at-home-kids/#comments Tue, 25 Sep 2007 12:18:00 +0000 B. McKenzie http://www.superheronation.com/blog/2007/09/25/novel-writing-strategies-and-analysis-or-dont-try-this-at-home-kids/ Outline

• Summary of past novel-writing problems
• Solutions to improve reader longevity
• Improving chapter length
• Marketing!  Marketing!  Marketing!

This is mostly aimed at anyone trying to write a novel, particularly an online novel, but Superhero Nation fans might be interested to see what my writing process is like.

Problems

• My first chapter attracted readers but didn’t keep them. 
• Of the first 100 readers that started reading, 30 lasted over half a minute and 15 spent enough time that I could reasonably assume they finished the chapter. 
• None started reading the second chapter. 

Diagnoses

• My short-term retention was a problem.  70% of the readers decided right off the bat that the novel didn’t work for them.
  • The novel’s opening was not working
• Medium-term retention was pleasantly high.  Half of the readers that read past the first few paragraphs made it through 9000 words.
  • The middle was considerably better-written than the beginning
• Long-term retention was zero.  15 readers read 9000 words, but none started the second chapter.
  • The first chapter was incredibly long, 30 double-spaced pages.  Readers that finished that lacked the time/energy to proceed.     

Fixing the Introduction

It’s hard to describe how bad my first five pages were.  But I’ll give you the first 75 words, along with parenthetical comments from a dangerously perceptive reviewer. 

Courtney had problems. 

One.  His name was Courtney.   He hated it but knowing  that he vastly outsmarted the gigglers comforted him.  (This opening does not grab me. Who are these gigglers?)

Two.  He was an ex-superhero, the once and present Lash, the best nonpowered hero New York had never heard of.   He had showed Gigas, the head of the Social Justice League, up when a supervillain struck.  Gigas had him fired and, more humiliatingly, violated the first rule of superheroics by x-raying Lash’s face. (Very un-superhero like) But they couldn’t take his name.  (do you even need this?)

It would take me hours to fully explain why the first 5 pages were so bad, but let me summarize. 

• Melodramatic
• Anticipation problems.  A good opening makes readers think “Sweet Jesus, I want to see where this is going.”  This opening probably makes people wonder whether the story would interest them.  (Who’s Courtney?  Why should we care about people laughing at his name?)
• Passive narration (‘telling’ a story rather than ‘showing’ it).  High on backstory, short on action.
• There’s no scene.  
• Hard to understand (maybe not these first few paragraphs, but certainly the rest of the five pages). 

It took me three months to turn my deservedly savage reviews into a rewrite.  You can see the rewritten chapter here, but I’ll analyze the first two paragraphs. 

[start] The tree was critical.  The blueprints for the Governor’s mansion clearly showed that the tree’s branches came intriguingly close to a second-floor window.  It was less obvious that the window led to the room of a servant scheduled to work during tonight’s fundraiser.  Most importantly, the Governor’s security detail only sent a guard past the tree every forty-five seconds, plus or minus fifteen.  The superhero had spent an hour counting.  Lash had estimated that the leap through the open window would be four feet.  He could do that.  Maybe.  Being an unpowered hero was always interesting. 

Lash lay behind the courtyard fountain as the hapless guard wandered past the tree again, his heels clicking against the cobble-stone path.  The beam of the guard’s flashlight soon faded around the near corner.  Forty-five seconds. [end]

The most obvious change is that this is a scene: a character attempts to break into the Governor’s mansion.  After the first three sentences, he seems like he’s a criminal, probably an assassin.  Then I off-handedly refer to him as “the superhero,” even before we know his name or what he looks like.  A traditional individual-focused story would probably start with the character and then describe the mission, but I start with the mission and hardly describe the character at all, besides how physically inept and meticulous he is. 

Up to the word “superhero,” this could very well be a police procedural or a Mission Impossible-style spyfest.  Then the story gets ridiculous, particularly in “…four feet.  He could do that.  Maybe.”  My first opening was melodramatic, but I think this comes off as comically melodramatic and patently ridiculous.  (Four feet?  The ‘superhero’ can’t jump four feet?) 

I think that my readers have been cued to expect a somewhat strange story about superheroes.  (In case that weren’t obvious enough, Lash’s main weapon in the first chapter is a fire extinguisher).  I think that reader anticipation has shifted much more to “I’d like to see where this is going” from “this sounds boring.”

Is my new opening effective?
I’m inclined to say yes.  Remember, before I had…

• 100 readers started chapter 1

• 30 made it past thirty seconds

• 15 made it to the end of chapter 1

• 0 started chapter 2

I rewrote my opening two weeks ago.  Since then, I’ve had…

• 37 readers started chapter 1

• ?? readers finished chapter 1

• 10 readers started chapter 2 (so I’d assume that at least 10 readers survived to the end of chapter 1).

• 9 readers started chapter 3

• 64 readers started chapter 4 (I bet you’re asking what the hell!?! I’ll explain this in just a second). 

These numbers are drastically better.  My first-to-second chapter conversion rate is more than 25% and the people that start the second chapter appear to be dedicated readers.  My survey sample is pretty small (only over the last two weeks), but it seems that the first three chapters are generally successful enough that this story might be publishable.  But publishing is a distant concern and right now I’d like to worry about 1) posting the best chapters I can write to the website and 2) getting as many readers as possible to those chapters.

Advertising

Remember that 64 readers started chapter 4?  That probably seemed pretty weird, given that only 9 readers started chapter 3.  My brother linked to my site in a discussion on sympathetic villains at The Volokh Conspiracy.  Since then, ~55 Volokh Conspirators have started chapter 4.  So even a comment can generate a significant amount of traffic.  I suspect that a link from, say, one of the writers at Volokh would generate enough traffic to be commercially significant.  But TVC is mainly a legal blog; I can’t imagine why it would be disproportionately loaded with comic book fans. 

I suspect that my demographics will be better represented at Daily Kos or Little Green Footballs link.  Speaking of LGF, it actually inspired the conservative-lizard and liberal-frog demographics of Superhero Nation. 

Chapter-Length

The original version of my first chapter—the terrible version—was 9000 words long (30 pages).  9000 words is a hell of a commitment, probably several hours.  Who wants to spend several hours at a single site? 

I’ve since split up the first 9000 words into 3 chapters, but chapter 3 is still ridiculously long.  I have to cut it down more.  (Everybody Dies is also too long).

One thing I’ve learned is that chapter length really matters. Shorter chapters—no more than 2000 words—work much better. Each chapter’s end is an opportunity to leave your reader on a cliffhanger and make him feel that he’s accomplished something.  Each chapter’s start is a chance to rehook your reader or at least give him a chance to recuperate and return. Additionally, each chapter allows you to subtly shift the focus of the reader’s attention and focus by using a new chapter title.

I’ve mentioned before that chapter titles are really important to selling a novel. They’re also important for the reading experience. You can use the title to create a sense of anticipation, foreboding or establish the mood. Right now, the chapter titles I’m going with are:

1. Life, Death and the Manhattan Mangler [~1000 words]
2. The Empire State Strikes Back [~1500]
3. The Best Investigator in the World [~7000 words]
4. Everybody Dies [~8000 words]
   • Unless I also want my readers to die, I should probably break this up into many chapters.  Possible chapter titles include “The Human Condition,” “Only Human,” “Grim Prognosis,” “Reach for the Skyline,” and “Two Girls for Every Guy.”
5. The Human Resources Promise [~1500 words]
6. Stockbroker to the Slaughter [~2000 words]