John McCain was surprisingly funny but I think that was mostly because his lines were well-written. His delivery was merely above-average, although I thought he delivered “that’s right, fight amongst yourselves” amazingly well.
However, he sounded a bit stiff and it didn’t help that he rarely looked at the correspondents he was (supposedly) talking to. Also, I think his lack of blinking is a bit distracting and unnatural. These quibbles are pretty minor. I wouldn’t feel too concerned if I were on his media prep team.
His main problem was that he took too long to get started. Generally, I think a comedian should have the audience laughing within twenty words. The audience started laughing at 78, and I missed the first joke.
His introduction rambled gratuitously.
Thank you Seth, Amy. I’d like to begin tonight by thanking Republican voters. We’re gearing up for one of the most critical elections in our nation’s history and I’m honored to be part of it. I’d like to thank Democrats. I know we don’t see eye to eye on every issue. That’s why I want to give you this piece of advice. Democrats, I’d like to urge you, do not under any circumstances pick a candidate too soon…
The current crop of presidential candidates leaves us yearning for someone who can plausibly claim the mantle of Commando in Chief. By a vote of 2-1-1-1, Agent Black beats Catastrophe, Lash and Paingod as our preferred candidate. As far as presidential candidates go, I think these runner-ups aren’t bad (certainly more credible than Huckabee or Biden), but they have several key electoral disadvantages compared to Agent Black.
Catastrophe isn’t human. Even if we put nonhumans in his camp, Florida only has a million alligators.
Lash is black and, probably worse, a New Yorker that works for an organization called the “Social Justice League.” Even without using racially-tinged imagery, you wouldn’t need Lee Atwater or Karl Rove to turn that into a 45 state massacre. If John McCain survives to Election Day, maybe 49.
Paingod’s a supervillain. That hasn’t stopped Lex Luthor, Tempus and Savage Dragon’s nemesis from running for the White House, but it would presumably be an obstacle. (”Well, I won’t vote for a Mormon, black, or divorcee… but I guess I could give Paingod another chance”).
If you would like to see this pin at our Zazzle store, please click here.
Note: you may have noticed that this post isn’t tagged with the “National Service” category. That isn’t accidental.
But this candidate is not merely a lizard. He is, by his own confession, a Turbolizard. He will run Congress so depravedly as to make the rest of Congress look good.
What does Turbolizard stand for, besides pathological deception and nefariousness? “I am opposed to the use of terrorism… since the end of World War II, the United States has continually meddled in the internal affairs of Iran, and I am opposed to this interventionist policy.” How typically lizardly. He is allegedly opposed to terrorism but opposes any action against terrorists! This is like saying “I’m OK with mammals, but mammal-killing is a fine choice, too.”
It is safe to say that a vote for Turbolizard is a vote for the turbo-genocide of mammals. I’m Agent Orange and anyone that doesn’t approve of this message is probably a lizard bent on your destruction.
Right-wing cartoonist Chris Muir may be suggesting that Senator Clinton, whose advisors have already claimed that “being human is overrated,” is playing for the mutated alligator vote. (Perhaps she’s banking on a Florida revote). Well, every voter counts, right?
Senator Obama’s pastor “makes Louis Farrakhan look like Hello Kitty. We’re going to have a field day with this.”– Todd Harris, a Republican strategist
This next one appeared in an article on the National Republican Campaign Committee letting a million dollars disappear, possibly into the personal bank accounts of its ex-treasurer. “You can go online right now and pull audit reports for GM, and 3M, and Disney, et cetera, and replicate them and just change the numbers”– Allan Bachman, of the Association of Certified Fraud Examiners. Thanks for clearing that up, Allan! We wouldn’t want anyone to, uhh, learn how to scam audits or anything.
Have you noticed that attack ads sound pretty similar? They’re all made from the same script. To create a political advertisement, you just need to plug in…
One opposed political candidate
Two positive interest groups
One positive adjective
Three negative adjectives
Two negative interest groups
One supervillain
I’ve got some suggestions for you, but you can pick your own. After picking your words, plug them into the Script at the bottom of the page.
Puppy-eating (don’t play the fool with me. In Pinnochio, there’s a puppy that follows the “protagonist” and then the puppy suddenly disappears. What happened to him? Kibbles and bits).
Negative interest groups (2)
Illuminati
Massachusetts
Big Tobacco
Big Media
Big Toilet Paper [not to be confused with Big Media]
Spock (“Spock’s not a supervillain!” You need to pay more attention, biatch).
Rush Limbaugh
Lex Luthor
a Teletubby
Hillary Clinton
Barney the Dinosaur
The Script
Dear Voter,
Hello. Even as we speak, (political candidate) is plotting to destroy America, even our cherished (positive interest group #1)s. Any (positive adjective #1) American can see that (political candidate) is only running because he wants to sell out our (positive interest group #2) to advance the (negative adjective #1) agenda of (negative interest group #1). Because he’s (negative adjective #2).
If you are wavering on the issue of whether (political candidate) is a (negative adjective #3) pawn of (negative interest group #2), ask yourself: can America survive a President that looks so much like (supervillain)?
