Captain Carnage: Every one of the criminals we deal with has steel-like skin, dodges bullets like they’ve gone out of style, or both.

Dr. Darpa: Over the past twelve years, I’ve been modifying tank-mounted machine guns to compensate for those unusual characteristics. I have created a handgun so horrifically lethal that Congress has limited its sale to NATO countries.

Captain Carnage: You mean…

Dr. Darpa: The Western Cannon.

Captain Carnage: I thought it was a myth!

Dr. Darpa: Mythically deadly, perhaps. With a full mound of ammo, it weighs roughly half a ton. It has three rates of fire: “full automatic,” “wall of lead,” and “dodge this.”

Catastrophe: I’m a cartoon character.

Mike: That was easy, wasn’t it?

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: Wait. There are aliens on Earth?

Mike: Uhh… no?

This is part II of a four part conversation. You can see part 1 here or part 3 here.

The Annals of Crocodile Failures, 94^th Edition

Lions, buffaloes and crocodiles do battle for control of a Kenyan wildlife refuge. This film is rated PG… Pretty Gruesome. The crocodiles make their inglorious appearance at 3:30, but they’re so ineffective that the (mammalian) commentators only notice them at 3:38. Unless you enjoy watching lions play two crocodiles silly, I recommend skipping ahead to 4:30, which is when things get rowdy on the land. “They’ve got ‘em surrounded” (5:45). I also enjoyed the sudden appearance of Superlion– he flies– at 5:45.
6:30 is outlandish and further indicates how completely pathetic the crocodiles were in their brief appearance. Any creature that is unable to cripple a baby buffalo is hereby banished from the reptile class. Experts at Palomar University, one of the world’s leading reptological institutions, have found that:

The class Reptilia [Reptiles*] includes turtles, snakes, lizards, alligators**, and other large reptiles…

Let’s face it, crocodiles: even turtles and snakes*** count as reptiles. But not you*. (Don’t snicker too hard, mammals… the lions did not make a persuasive case for your phylum).

Not to fear, crocodiles: although you are no longer reptiles, you may technically qualify as amphibians****. However, both mammals and reptiles will remain ashamed to share a subphylum with you.

Tailnotes

*clarified for the benefit of crocodiles. Not that I think it will help.

**Unsurprisingly, saving the best for last. Incidentally, 99 % of reptologists agree that alligators > lizards > snakes > amoeba > crocodiles. As for the last 1%, if you are ever so horrifically unfortunate to find one of them, escape quickly. (Even if you’re a mammal—it’s not worth finding out if it can spread across species). Say whatever you need to. “I need to sharpen my claws (fingernails)” or “my scales (skin) require polishing.”

***Crocodile sympathizers may dispute that snakes are more worthy of the reptilian name than crocodiles. And we can speculate about the psychological disorders that might prod them to do so. But the fact remains that snakes can eat hippos (not for the squeamish). And, furthermore, snakes have their own baseball team, with which I am not familiar, and dominate a city with which I am.

****Assuming they’ll have you. Don’t hold your breath.

1. If you ever capture your opponents, kill them immediately. If possible, execute them yourself—leave nothing to chance. “But how will my most hated enemies see my glorious schemes come to fruition?” They won’t—they’ll be dead. That’s the point. Have their descendants serve as slaves and/or witnesses to your undying greatness.

2.  As attractive as doomsday devices are, they don’t provide a very credible threat. Would you really destroy the world you live on? Even the UN will laugh at you rather than recognize the magnificence of your doomsday device. For a nominal fee, however, you can buy EvilCorp’s InstaWorld Kit*. Then the only question is this: would you rather have a billion dollars or the chance to get rid of the UN?

3. Villainous devices will work only once. You will only be able to shrink/zap/body-swap with a cabbage/etc. to a hero once. Any subsequent attempt to use the device will end in disaster. If the hero survives the first use, switch to conventional weaponry and ready your escape pods.

4. If any minion suggests any plan that involves monkeys—simian minions, devolution rays, etc.—shoot him immediately. If possible, feed him to real minions, like sharks or animated trash compactors. On the list of most mind-boggingly inept supervillain schemes, “monkey business” ranks right around invading the US with Amazons and killer bees.

*Life not included.

Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, answers:

No, Jimmy, gators aren’t like crocodiles. Comparing alligators to crocodiles is like comparing college to kindergarten. Or a F-22 to a Cessna. Alligators are distinctly superior, whether you look at intelligence, awesomeness or humility.

1. Alligators (A) are friendly and have a skull that isn’t shaped like a demented cheese wedge (B). Also, alligators aren’t flagrantly repulsive.
2. Crocodiles plague most of the world but alligators reside in only the US and China. This proves that being a superpower is 100% caused by gators.
3. Alligators are Florida’s official state reptile. (In your face, geckos).

Alligators are good-natured and friendly, even when attacked by mammals

Mammals love being around alligators

Alligators are outgoing and neighborly

The gator’s first plan was thwarted by his unfortunate lack of opposable thumbs. But his pizza boy strategy will eventually succeed.

Crocodiles are incomprehensibly stupid

Intelligent species have wondered for eons what the purpose of crocodiles is. We’re still wondering, but it probably has something to do with making lemmings feel better about themselves.

Crocodiles are bad at everything

Crocodiles deal drugs to kids

Crocodiles bring ruination and despair

The crocodile—savage killing machine, or the best argument against Botswana tourism?

Photograph courtesy of Botswana, whose perpetual economic turmoil and total geopolitical insignificance obviously stem from its plague of crocodiles.

Tailnotes

If you found this discussion of the differences between alligators and crocodiles informative, please see my account of a week in crocodile hell, courtesy of the US Congress.

Additionally: if you’ve read some of the chapters of Superhero Nation, Retcon thinks that you might get confused by continuity errors. If you are cleared to do so, please read the attached briefing.

OFFICE OF SPECIAL INVESTIGATIONS RETROACTIVE CONTINUITY BRIEFING

Agent Orange is not a mutant alligator but rather an extraterrestrial using a cover story that we had assumed would be impossible to disprove. Unfortunately, a series of nuclear reactor failures in Florida actually created mutated crocodiles that didn’t resemble Agent Orange. His cover story’s plausibility now hinges on the public believing that alligators and crocodiles are fundamentally different…

Public awareness of aliens on Earth would create political complications abroad, endanger a vital American asset and facilitate enemy countermeasures…

“Only a New Yorker could think that volume can change the world.”– Jacob Mallow

Sorry, I can’t think of any way to make that any funnier.

“And that is why you and I are different.”– Dr. Lizard, webmaster of the Lizard Lounge.

“Poor Darrell Hammond. What’s he going to do when I leave office?”– Bill Clinton

“Probably enjoy his internship more.”– Dr. Lizard

My last fake card was done like a Magic: The Gathering card. It’s come to my attention that there are superhero card games (!). One of my Australian (!!!) readers says that he has actually played one, OverPower.

He says: “Your art [expletive]s but I bet Hegemon will be funner to play than” Overpower.

In honor of this alleged card game that has apparently made its way to Australia already, I give you your second Hegemon card, There’s No Time!

(Please click to see the full image if it’s cut off).

To the extent that the art is not painfully bad, I made use of Dali’s classic Persistence of Memory.

It has come to our attention that you have continued to violate our intellectual property rights. Continuing to infringe on copyrighted terms and concepts, including but not limited to the following, will force us to pursue alternate methods of defending our legal rights.

1. “superhero”
2. “superpowers”
3. The concept of superpowered individuals concealing their identities with masks and capes.
4. Accusations of lurid conspiracies by government personnel against the public interest

We eagerly anticipate your cooperation in this matter.

–Wonder Comics

ATTN: WONDER COMICS

It has come to our attention that you are attempting to restrict our linguistic rights for your selfish profit. Please refer your legal staff to the following concepts in US-American jurisprudence.

1. “Common usage”
2. Lawyers/media vs. police/military. Who do you think we have on staff?
3. Billionaire playboys: you’ve either got them or you don’t.

We eagerly anticipate your lawsuit.

–The Social Justice League