…

Conversations don’t have to be purely linear.  You might be able to develop a conversation in an interesting and/or unexpected direction if characters respond to questions and statements in unexpected ways.

B. MAC: This apartment complex looks nice…

LANDLADY: And the pool is beautiful!

B. MAC: …but I’m concerned that several tenants have had toxic black mold.  What sort of remediation efforts–

LANDLADY: –COME, YOU MUST SEE POOL.  

• “Some places you can turn right on red — wait what YOU CAN DRIVE THROUGH A RED LIGHT if you’re turning WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE”
• “Every employed person rates themselves middle class.”
• “From the UK: much greater tendency to use text on signs – in Europe we tend either to use graphics or not to bother with a sign at all.”
• “One language – I noticed in Europe most people speak more than one language and usually even 3 or more.”  (I suspect that linguistic heterogeneity makes it harder to use words on signs).
• “Seconding flags, but particularly flags in non-civic settings. A French visitor, for instance, wouldn’t be surprised to see flags on city halls, but on car dealerships?”  February 1798 marked the Volvo Plot, a massive conspiracy of Swedish car dealers against the Republic and freedom in general.  Today, it is customary for car dealerships to fly the flag to remind their customers that they are not trampling the sweet cause of liberty by shopping there.  That’s also why BMW and Toyota ads emphasize how superlatively American their cars are.

• “American flags everywhere.  AND IT’S NOT RACIST! Or even a sign that someone’s politically on the right! That’s taken a long time to get used to.”
• “The Pledge of Allegiance.  The generic veneration of ‘freedom’ as a distinctly American virtue of unknown definition. American exceptionalism taken as a given.”

• “Elaborate and structured dating rules.”
• “No direct equivalent to a newsagents shop.”
• “Fridges are HUGE compared to upright or under-the-counter European fridges. The default size for milk is the gallon, not the pint.”
• “Roads that feel twice as wide as they should be.”
• “Residential streets without sidewalks.”
• “Endless handwringing about ‘the middle class,’ studied indifference towards the working class. “Socialist” as a dirty word — often one of the dirtiest. The fear of medical bills. Theism, and fear of atheism. These aren’t the requested tiny things but they’re everpresent and pervasive reminders that this place is different.”  Not the dirtiest.  That’s “Norwegian.”  The word “scandal” derives from the revelation that someone is secretly Scandinavian.  For further context, please note the Volvo Plot of 1798.
• “College sport: the intensity of the following, the rivalries, the bands, the huge attendances, the tailgates. You get an inkling of it in film and television, but while the major professional sports get global broadcast coverage, and some of the accoutrements are covered in film and television, college sport largely stays under the radar. There’s nothing directly comparable in Europe: the Oxford-Cambridge boat race is notable because it’s anomalous. That’s more ‘big and weird’, though it’s important if your character is headed to Nebraska or environs.”
• “One thing that a visitor from Scotland pointed out as a small surprise was that the beverage we call ‘lemonade’ isn’t fizzy.”
• “Hypersensitivity towards hygiene, especially in food retail. Disinfectant wipes at the entrance to supermarkets, washed vegetables, meat that’s invariably wrapped on styrofoam. Clotaire Rapaille talks a little about this as part of his marketing schtick — for all the recent interest in farmers’ markets and ‘active cultures’, the bulk of Americans basically like their food to be dead and hermetically sealed, like the places where they buy food to project a sense of clinical sanitation, like putting food in the fridge whether it needs it or not, and like their dishwashers to run like autoclaves.”
• “Cities where streets follow a grid. And almost all streets allow cars. As a European I’m accustomed to look for the city center; a place where there are no cars, where streets are meandering, where there are terraces to sit outside and have a coffee. A place that’s amenable to walking, to hanging out and enjoying the atmosphere. I did not find such a space in the american cities I’ve been to. And it prevented me from enjoying the place.”
• “Riding a bike is dangerous and an enterprise, not a mindless means of transport.”
• “People are not that tall.”  I blame Hollywood.
• “I was at the Hollywood Bowl, and before the program began, everyone got up to sing the National Anthem. What? I mean, what? I associate this sort of thing with intensely patriotic occasions, not when I’m out for a concert.”  Yvan Eht Nioj…
• “People here are much more likely to invoke God and religion during a conversation.”  GOOD GOD, THAT SQUIRREL IS LARGE.
• “AND people will talk religion in a place of business. Prayer before a business meeting.”  Personally, I’ve never heard of that in the U.S., and I worked for a Midwestern Catholic university.  Maybe it’s a Southern and/or Texan thing?
• “Oh, I also want to mention another thing that was pointed out to me by my non-American friends: Americans are obsessed with which university they attended, even if you have all been out of school for years. Americans are much more likely to ask ‘Which university did you go to?’ as part of the usual getting to know you questions.”
• “Americans are generally alot more comfortable with talking to strangers.”
• “The U.S. probably has the best customer service culture in the world, but can rapidly descend into being the most aggressive if challenged.”
• “If the characters in your book are moving to the south: Guns. And not just rifles or shotguns in Easy Rider rifle racks but pistols. Knives too but the guns — unreal. In Arizona bikers — and not just scum bikers but guys on Gold Wings — in Arizona people on motorcycles used to wear big pistols on their hip. In all of the states mentioned, a very good chance of seeing guns in cars or purses or wherever — I was blown away by it, the casual attitude toward it.”
• “In northern California, catching the bus seems to be an activity reserved exclusively for disabled and poor people.”  Generally, public transit in the U.S. is limited to those that cannot afford cars.  I think New York and DC are the two main exceptions.
• “Shops barely close, only on Thanksgiving day and Christmas Day does commerce really stop.”  I NEED COCOA PUFFS NOW.  I DON’T CARE IF IT’S ARBOR DAY.
• “Also she said that the sweeteners and condiments and creamers and napkins laying around in restaurants and just about everywhere else would be gone in a heartbeat back home.”  It is generally understood by Americans that universal access to ketchup is a birthright of all Americans.  Also, it is gravely impolite to offer an American a meal without also making ketchup available.
• “That it’s not unusual to see soldiers travelling in full uniform in the USA (I’ve seen this often at Grand Central, and at various airports around the USA). In many parts of the UK, soldiers, airmen, etc. are unable to wear their uniforms off base due to the level of abuse they get from the public.” Well, the British are into that whole secret service thing.  After exhaustive research, I have discovered that every Briton is a spy, a butler or both.
• “Everyone complains bitterly about the suckitude of government and is suspicious of it but they all follow the rules anyway even if nobody is watching.”
• “Also, ads for drugs on TV. The only other developed country where this is legal is NZ.”  It is well-known that pharmacists and marketers are mortal enemies.  But not as much as marketers and parents.  The U.S. does prohibit TV advertisements for products in the same franchise as a cartoon show itself (e.g. no ads for Pokemon toys or games are aired during Pokemon episodes).  Why do Congressmen like Viagra more than Pokemon?  Well, besides the obvious reason, Viagra is basically the only product that pays for the endorsements of ex-Congressmen.
• “People ask “How are you?” as a casual greeting, but no one really cares how you are. He feels like it’s too personal of a question to ask a stranger and doesn’t like the insincerity of it.”  It’s an insincere question, which allows for benign responses like “Fine. You?”  You’d probably be disturbed by any honest answer.  ”I WANT COCOA PUFFS NOW.“
• “Tipping. It’s de facto required here. Even if the service was crap. Which it usually isn’t.”
• “The sheer uselessness of the loose change. You can actually buy stuff with coins in the UK, but when the biggest coin is $0.25 it ends up in huge jars.”  After even more months of intense investigation and fevered guessing, I’ve discovered that pennies are a plot to discredit and abase Abraham Lincoln.
• “The gap between the bathroom stall door and the floor (seriously, WTF?)” I’m guessing it’s a security thing to help make sure that people aren’t hiding in a store to steal things after the store closes.  That, and it helps cops easily tell at a glance how many people are in a stall.  If there are 2+ people in a stall, something unseemly is probably happening.
• “Public-facing employees generally seem to enjoy their jobs.”  Maybe this is a bit different with the economic situation being what it is, but I think Americans generally have fewer compunctions about leaving a job they don’t like.  Also, it’s (somewhat) easier to get rid of unhappy (private sector) employees in the U.S. than in Europe.
• “Nearly disposable clothes. I am amazed at how many clothes people buy, and how little time they usually last. When I first came here, I was happily surprised at how cheap clothes were, but adjusted my average spending upwards when I realized how little the cheap things last.”
• “Striking up conversation with strangers, smiling at strangers, sharing stories and knowing/ empathizing looks with strangers.”  How do you date?
• “Squirrels were everywhere in Savannah, Georgia. They were everywhere in Chicago, too. Those cute little Chip ‘n Dale type squirrels.”  Chicago squirrels are neither cute nor little.  They are murderous, thieving vermin.  Also, like us Chicagoans in general, they celebrate Valentine’s Day with a massacre.
• “Americans are not as friendly as they think they are. This could simply be coming from small town Australia, which is pretty damn friendly.”
• “Casual dress: It’s easy to spot American here; they will be the ones wearing sneakers and jeans or shorts.”  It’s harder to surprise a squirrel when dressed in business attire.  However, one advantage of formal attire is a tie, which can be used as an garrote for quickly dispatching a surprised squirrel.
• “checkout clerks in the grocery store do their work standing, not sitting.”  Most U.S. positions where you’re serving customers in person (besides reception positions) involve standing rather than sitting.  Maybe sitting would look lazier/idler?
• “As a British person, I was shocked by the way Americans will tell a stranger or acquaintance what I would consider to be deeply personal information, and ask questions that I would consider spectacularly inappropriate.”  Interesting.  Now I’m wondering what some of those are.  (In Korea, “how much do you make?” is a pretty routine question, but it’s impolite not to answer).
• “Also guys why is your 10c smaller than your 5c took me ages to stop giving dimes out as nickels”  When you need an emergency projectile (e.g. anti-squirrel ammunition), you should not have to spend a tenth of a dollar.  A twentieth of a dollar is more reasonable.
• “America has a pervasive culture of ‘if you are poor, it is because you deserve to be poor,’ whether that view is subtle or explicit.”  If you are poor, it’s probably because you failed to deal with those accursed rodents squatting in your trees, stealing your acorns.  The U.S. already made nickels bigger than dimes, affording you cheap ammunition–what more do you want?

My zombie defense plan is counterintuitive, but it’s the most popular one in the world.

1. Get eaten.

2.  Whatever else happens, it’s not my problem.

Your goalie’s our MVP

Only doom awaits.

Blackhawks ascendant

Canada: “What can we say?

Even dead cats bounce.”

The art is pretty good so far, similar to The Taxman Must Die but maybe a bit less detailed. (You can see my sample pages here).

• Journalist: “Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?” John Lennon:  “He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles!”
• Oscar Wilde: “Here are two tickets to my new play. Please bring a friend, if you have one.”  Winston Churchill: “Sorry, I can’t make it to the opening night performance.  Please send me tickets to the second performance, if there is one.”
• Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife, I would poison your coffee.”  “Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
• “He loves nature, in spite of what it did to him.”  — Forrest Tucker
• “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”  — Mae West
• “I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’  They all left town immediately.” — Mark Twain
• “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”  — Oscar Wilde
• “Comparing Stephenie Meyer to JK Rowling is an insult to Chris Paolini.”  — Internet commenter
• “He is the best argument for contraception.”
• “The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg.”  — Edmund Wilson
• “In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo DaVinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love and 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”  — Harry Lime, in The Third Man

• “The only reason a guy would go to see Titanic is if he loves his girlfriend more than his dignity. That’s why ladies make their boyfriends watch Titanic–to test their commitment.”
• “Moral of the story: Beanie Babies will make you a felon.”
• “[There are ways for characters to distinguish themselves besides having different superpowers]. Like how they use their superpowers or the quests they have to complete to attain their superpowers. For example, both Heroes’ Sylar and the Invisible Woman have telekinetic/force-projection powers, but the Invisible Woman uses hers to keep the team alive, whereas Sylar is a serial killer that psychically decapitates his victims to access their brains. (He doesn’t eat the brains, though. ‘That would be gross,’ he explains).”
• “For example, if we’re supposed to really feel how tough these drills are for her, maybe you could talk more about something like the heat or humidity or the air or sun or ground or whatever? (For example, the heat and humidity at Alabama’s Maxwell Air Force Base are almost bad enough to make a Marine cry, and the Marines training at Parris Island have lost enough boots in the muck there to stock a shoe store).”
• “I’m slightly amused that 3 people have shared my oral surgery post with their friends on Facebook. Slow week at work? “
• “’Technically, Okie was a derogatory term, but it was crafted by those that hate Okies’ awesomeness.’ Like Steinbeck. He hated on Oklahoma so much he wrote a book about it.”
• “ ‘[He's] a bit of a hick, but smarter than he acts… which generally results in him getting beaten to within an inch of his life. He doesn’t really have a secret identity, although he does have a codename/nickname. He’s… not super-buff like Superman or the Hulk, and he’s a little on the short side.’ That sounds so much like me it’s sort of scary. “
• “Number 4′s villain was neither interesting nor scary. He doesn’t even get a name! Come on. Even Godzilla got a name. You know who else didn’t get a name? The enemy commander in Battlefield Earth.  Name your villain or surrender to suck.”
• “Your sci-fi setting builds an interesting contrast between the calmness of the trees and the whip flowers strangling each other. I think that helps develop the characters because they react in such a different way than how I would (namely, freaking out–’omgwtfarethoseflowersdoing’).”

Speaking of uber-geekiness, Jeopardy tryouts are February 8-10. Register today!