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Superheroes should never ask “are you thinking what I’m thinking?” The answer is never helpful.

But where could you find that much nitroglycerin at this hour?

–Dr. Darpa

Unless your IQ has tripled since we’ve last spoken, probably not.

–Catastrophe

You are now.

–Mr. Mental

Don’t flatter yourself.

–Paingod

There are mad scientists. There are political scientists. At Superhero Nation, you get the worst of both worlds.

(Maybe this is why we haven’t had a mission statement up to this point).

Quote of the Day:

Agent Orange: Few things are more pathetic than the crocodile terrorist. Yep. They can’t even do that right.

And they talk like thisssssss…

We already knew that mammals > crocodiles, but this also indicates that mammal-insects > crocodiles. But Spiderman foolishly let the crocodile escape, which is further proof that alligators > mammal-insects.

Mike: You’re positive you’re not an alien?

Catastrophe: Do aliens frequently speak fluent English?

Mike: Decryption programs applied to radio transmissions can do surprising things.

Catastrophe: I was checking football club rankings when you found me. Unless aliens are frequently interested in football…

Mike: You’d be surprised. You follow football?

Catastrophe: Sometimes. There aren’t any good teams around here.

Mike: Name three.

Catastrophe: Good teams? Arsenal, Man U and Newcastle.

Mike: Please. If you ever need to make up sports teams in the future, I recommend going with animal names, not randomly selected adjectives and nouns. “New castle?” “Man you?” That doesn’t even make sense!

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: You don’t get out much, do you?

This is the final part of a four part series. You can see part 1 here.

Mike: We have a non-optional orientation program for aliens. This is very simple. If anyone asks, say that you’re not an alien.

Catastrophe: I’m a cartoon character.

Mike: That was easy, wasn’t it?

Catastrophe: …

Catastrophe: Wait. There are aliens on Earth?

Mike: Uhh… no?

This is part II of a four part conversation. You can see part 1 here or part 3 here.

Agent Orange presents his link of the day and a related public service announcement for crocodile-Americans.

The Annals of Crocodile Failures, 94^th Edition

Lions, buffaloes and crocodiles do battle for control of a Kenyan wildlife refuge. This film is rated PG… Pretty Gruesome. The crocodiles make their inglorious appearance at 3:30, but they’re so ineffective that the (mammalian) commentators only notice them at 3:38. Unless you enjoy watching lions play two crocodiles silly, I recommend skipping ahead to 4:30, which is when things get rowdy on the land. “They’ve got ‘em surrounded” (5:45). I also enjoyed the sudden appearance of Superlion– he flies– at 5:45.
6:30 is outlandish and further indicates how completely pathetic the crocodiles were in their brief appearance. Any creature that is unable to cripple a baby buffalo is hereby banished from the reptile class. Experts at Palomar University, one of the world’s leading reptological institutions, have found that:

The class Reptilia [Reptiles*] includes turtles, snakes, lizards, alligators**, and other large reptiles…

Let’s face it, crocodiles: even turtles and snakes*** count as reptiles. But not you*. (Don’t snicker too hard, mammals… the lions did not make a persuasive case for your phylum).

Not to fear, crocodiles: although you are no longer reptiles, you may technically qualify as amphibians****. However, both mammals and reptiles will remain ashamed to share a subphylum with you.

Tailnotes

*clarified for the benefit of crocodiles. Not that I think it will help.

**Unsurprisingly, saving the best for last. Incidentally, 99 % of reptologists agree that alligators > lizards > snakes > amoeba > crocodiles. As for the last 1%, if you are ever so horrifically unfortunate to find one of them, escape quickly. (Even if you’re a mammal—it’s not worth finding out if it can spread across species). Say whatever you need to. “I need to sharpen my claws (fingernails)” or “my scales (skin) require polishing.”

***Crocodile sympathizers may dispute that snakes are more worthy of the reptilian name than crocodiles. And we can speculate about the psychological disorders that might prod them to do so. But the fact remains that snakes can eat hippos (not for the squeamish). And, furthermore, snakes have their own baseball team, with which I am not familiar, and dominate a city with which I am.

****Assuming they’ll have you. Don’t hold your breath.

Setup: Catastrophe is a statistician that has been transformed by a mutagen into something uncannily similar to a character on a hit cartoon show, Hegemon (“Gotta kill ‘em all!”) Mike heads the Office of Special Investigations’ efforts to conceal extraterrestrial life and mistakenly believes Catastrophe is an alien.

Mike: Hello.

Catastrophe: I’m reading.

Mike: This’ll only take a second.

Catastrophe: Time’s up.

Mike: …

Mike: Let’s say five minutes.

Catastrophe: That’s 30000% of your original request. Is talking with you really more important than the club rankings?

Mike: And considerably less likely to get you pushed down the stairs.

(This is part of a four part series). After 6:00 PM on 12/29, you can read part 2 here.

Grim Trigger 2008!

Dear Jane Doe:

As you know, the nation is facing very, very seriously grave problems. And, as an agent for the Office of Special Investigations, I have handled a lot of serious problems, most of which will be declassified by 2075. But enough about my experience and on to more of the gravely serious problems we face.

Reaffirming the role of puppies in American society

My rivals have remained silent on the critical issue of puppies. Where do my opponents stand on anti-puppy discrimination? What measures have they taken to ensure that puppies can partake of the American dream? What have they done to decry the TSA’s cruel-hearted decision to limit servicepuppy adoption programs to San Antonio and Austin? My opponents have remained silent—but, as your president, you can rest assured that I will be a vocal advocate for puppy rights.

A new era of American diplomacy and multilateralism: Atlantis, meet Mr. Boot

It has come to my attention that a certain “nation” has seen fit to attack the United States once every few years for about the last three decades. We have been told that this is Atlantis’ way of getting a good sense for the leadership of other countries.

Atlantis is no doubt a fine country. I bow to no one in my respect for Atlantis. In fact, I think the United States really needs to get a good sense for its leadership.

This apparently unending cycle of warfare is highly counterproductive. We need to put an end to it once and for all. Additionally, I’d really like to make the US Air Force an integral part of our national security strategy, and not a “chair force” as Marines, soldiers and sailors constantly insinuate. What would the role of an integral Air Force look like? Please see my attached map of Atlantis for more details.

My policies, in brief

1. Environmental reform. Two words: nuclear power.
2. Foreign engagement and a respectful foreign policy. Other countries will respect my leadership because in their hearts, they know I might. Might prove a cooperative and stable negotiating partner, that is!
3. Creating economic opportunities for all Americans. Average Americans suffer because they have less information than large corporations. I vow that my administration will do better to serve every American with available information. For example: sell all Atlantean stock. Atlantean property isn’t looking good either.

Thank you and God bless. I’m Grim Trigger and I approved this message.

–G.T.

Evil-Corp Publishing Presents: So You Want to be a Supervillain!

1. If you ever capture your opponents, kill them immediately. If possible, execute them yourself—leave nothing to chance. “But how will my most hated enemies see my glorious schemes come to fruition?” They won’t—they’ll be dead. That’s the point. Have their descendants serve as slaves and/or witnesses to your undying greatness.
2. As attractive as doomsday devices are, they don’t provide a very credible threat. Would you really destroy the world you live on? Even the UN will laugh at you rather than recognize the magnificence of your doomsday device. For a nominal fee, however, you can buy EvilCorp’s InstaWorld Kit*. Then the only question is this: would you rather have a billion dollars or the chance to get rid of the UN?
3. Villainous devices will work only once. You will only be able to shrink/zap/body-swap with a cabbage/etc. to a hero once. Any subsequent attempt to use the device will end in disaster. If the hero survives the first use, switch to conventional weaponry and ready your escape pods.
4. If any minion suggests any plot that involves monkeys—simian minions, devolution rays, etc.—shoot him immediately and feed him to real minions, like sharks or animated trash compactors. Superheroes still laugh at us because of the “monkey business” of the 1940s-70s.
5. If your villainous speech includes anti-American diatribes– even accurate ones– expect any federal agents to open fire. (So much for “freedom of speech,” right?)

*People not included.

I’m now #5 on Google’s list of hits for superhero novel. Anything in the top ten is useful, but the top five are especially useful because everyone sees the top five without having to scroll down. And people will only scroll down if the first five hits don’t look promising.

These are how the four top hits appear.

1. The All-New All-Different Howling Curmudgeons: Superhero Novels
   1. It seems to be a genuine superhero novel. Compare to, say, Count Geiger’s Blues, which is really straight SF with some superhero trappings, or It’s Superman…
2. Amazon.com: superhero novel
   1. A community about superhero novel. Tag and discover new products. Share your images and discuss your questions with superhero novel experts.
3. Michael Carroll Unleashes New Superhero Novel – LostCarPark
   1. Michael Carroll’s latest novel, The Quantum Prophecy, hits the shops today. It’s part one of an original…
4. Superhero – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
   1. Superheroes have also been featured in radio serials, prose novels, TV series, movies and other media. Most of the superheroes who appear in other media…
5. Superhero Nation
   1. Published by bmaccomic under superhero satire, superhero story, Superhero Nation, quote, Superhero Novel, Superhero parody…

A few observations.

None of these links directly compete with mine. I imagine that the average person that types superhero novel into Google is looking to read (or at least find out more about) a superhero novel.

1. The first result, ANADC, looks like a review site at first glance. I think readers would rather get chapters from the author’s page than just look at a review.
2. I was afraid that Amazon.com would look really competitive, but this hit looks pretty unattractive. “a community about superhero novel” makes it obvious that Amazon’s result isn’t well-tailored to the prospective searcher.
3. Michael Carroll’s book is probably a peer competitor, but this link seems to go to a news article rather than the author’s page. MC’s homepage or an Amazon link to his book would probably be rather competitive, but I think that searchers will pass this over.
4. I think superhero novel searchers will pass over Wikipedia’s superhero entry without hesitation. That’s obviously not what the searchers want.
5. I’m not thrilled with how my entry appears, but my title is short and sweet. Superhero Nation’s Google tagline, but I think that my title is short and sweet. My tagline looks pretty ugly (“published by bmaccomic under superhero satire, superhero novel…”) but at least that says clearly that I’m writing a satirical superhero novel.

The websites that are most competitive with mine are located at #6 and #10. Fortunately, the higher ranked site seems to be selling a very different kind of superhero novel, so audience overlap/competition should be minimal.

1. Andrew Lynch: superheroaction.com. [Tagline]: If you write a novel without pictures about superheroes who are old, fat, gay, neurotic or self-destructive[*] – well, where’s the mass appeal?
   1. His Google entry doesn’t say that he’s writing a novel, what the novel’s title is or what the novel’s style/mood is like.
   2. Judging from his website, his novel’s goal is very distinct from mine. Attracting a broad audience is one of my primary objectives, but he says that “ ‘where’s the mass appeal?’ is a valid question for a big business. I respect it and want nothing to do with it.” Not coincidentally, I think, his novel’s title is The Superhero’s Closet.
   3. Our writing styles are so different that we probably won’t compete much for an overlapping audience. I’m writing an action-comedy that is hopefully pretty easy to read and enjoy—it has a philosophical subtext, but In a novel, I feel that enjoyment is a prerequisite to effective commentary. His work seems a lot more dense, introspective and literary.
   4. Here are some excerpts from his first paragraph. “he’d brought with him even his diary, in which he’d recorded dreams of tempest waves, and of a woman, radiant like overbright fields of flax, and of her awful plunge into a deafening surf… her name came to him in these dreams, but it echoed in his ear, unheard fully, like a staff note struck by musicians in a deep well across town. He’d understood only her pleas, twanging with regret, as she withered in mid-air on her way to the ocean below.”
   5. His introduction suggests that persecution and alienation are major themes. “The novel you’ve downloaded is about extraordinary humans with everyday problems. Retired superheroes, villains with vengeance on their minds, teenage girls as wise as Confucius, young men with mother complexes, and a superhero underground just down the block from you.” I’m not sure what a mother complex is, but it seems to suggest that the young men are tormented in some way. By contrast, my main characters are well-adjusted mentally and socially. Even the mutant reptile is a federal agent. To some extent Superhero Nation is a parody of a persecution or psychodrama** story.
   6. His character’s superpowers seem subtly different. If a teenage girl is “as wise as Confucius,” that suggests her super-wisdom has disconnected from society and normal teenage life***. By contrast, my characters have fairly banal superpowers (strength, agility) that don’t change them fundamentally. I want each reader to feel that Lash, Agents Black and maybe Orange are at heart like them. Even characters with really strange backgrounds, like Agent Orange, have humanizing characteristics (football, patriotism, a government job) designed to help the reader understand the character. I think that if readers think a major character trait for any character is “weird,” then I’ve failed.
2. Axiom-man. His work seems more conceptually similar to mine, but I’m not too worried about link competition. Legal sharks coerced him to tack on –man to Axiom, which would have been a much more compelling name, I think.

Footnotes

*As someone that’s writing a novel about a superhero that’s old, fat, neurotic and an unwitting suicide bomber, I take offense at that!

**Psychodrama is frequently laced with angst and inner turmoil and that kind of stuff. It sometimes overlaps with persecution stories but, like Chuck Paluhniuk, usually thrusts deliberately bizarre characters in the audience’s faces (“neurotica”).

*** I may be misreading the Confucian reference. The story takes place in San Francisco; the author might have referred to Confucius to show the story is culturally broad and/or that the girl is Asian-American. I picked up strong undertones of weirdness/alienation because the difference between Confucius’ best-known teachings (filial piety, traditional respect for elders) is so much at odds with the typical American teenager.

Agent Orange: Contrary to popular belief, the New York Times is not actually the most anti-American news outlet. CSPAN is far more dangerous, and not just because it is more accurate than the average comic book. You couldn’t design anti-American propaganda more effective than around-the-clock Congressional coverage.

“You don’t change the world by whispering.” — NY Governor Eliot Spitzer

“Only a New Yorker could think that volume can change the world.”– Jacob Mallow

“I reject the cynical view that politics is a dirty business.”– Richard Nixon

Sorry, I can’t think of any way to make that any funnier.

Weird post. I was thinking today about what Superhero Nation’s endgame looks like. Have you ever read 300 pages only to find that the last 25 ruined the first 275? (Jacob wisely calls this phenomenon “Matrix Syndrome”). From the writer’s perspective, Matrix Syndrome is particularly tricky because you’ve already written so much, which limits your choice of ending (”sunk costs“). Generally, it’s easiest to write towards an ending rather than end something midstream. Otherwise, writers might lean towards writing a story that consists of one subplot after another rather than one continuous plot.

A related problem is Muppet Syndrome, which is when an author ramps up his story in terms of weirdness or intensity. So, instead of just destroying a Death Star, you’ll destroy a bigger Death Star… with muppets. In superhero stories, Muppet Syndrome usually manifests as a superhero being drawn into increasingly “epic”/bizarre plots.

Let’s look at Spiderman for a second. He’s one of the most normal, down-to-Earth superheroes ever (that’s a huge part of his appeal). But even he’s not immune to jaw-droppingly strange plotlines.

1. He grows 8 arms.
2. His parents were actually CIA agents that got whacked by Red Skull. They must be the worst CIA agents ever, because Red Skull couldn’t even kill Captain America. And the Captain is one of America’s physically and emotionally weakest superheroes. Hell, a US sniper capped him. (Booyah!)
3. His sister is a supervillainess.
4. Peter Parker was actually a clone of the unanimously despised Ben “Reviley” Reilly… until he wasn’t.
5. Dr. Octopus marries Aunt May– I’m not making this up– so that he can steal her deed to a nuclear power plant.
6. The government owns him… 13th amendment be damned!
7. JJ Thompson’s son, an astronaut and a rival for Mary Jane, turns into a werewolf. (Between Thompson Jr, the Fantastic Four and the Green Lantern, it almost makes you wonder what NASA is really up to).

Then there’s intensity. Most stories will naturally ramp up in intensity, which is problematic when heroes do something that’s far beyond their scope. For example, it’s normal and appropriate for Superman, Green Lantern and the Fantastic Four to have adventures in space. If New York’s neighborhood Spiderman did the same, it’d be weird. Hell, Spiderman is local enough that even saving the world is uncharacteristic.

How does this all apply to Superhero Nation?

I’ve written an ending to a story featuring the first three chapters. This allowed me to test some characteristics of the ending. I also tried a different style of writing. The consensus in the class was that it was both easier to understand and faster-paced.

You can download this mini-ending here.

The International Society of Supervillains has the dirt on “superheroes” that are really tools. Reed Richards, Namor and Superman take the cake.

Bartender: New Hegemon movie’s coming out.

Catastrophe: I heard.

Bartender: …

Bartender: How much do they pay you to wear that?

Catastrophe: Not enough.

This Thanksgiving scene is dedicated to a certain police show renowned for its perversely ghoulish characters. And Razorback and other heroes/villains that base their identity on laughably ridiculous animals. (My pig-sense is tingling!)

OSI Caselog 8633: Murder of Max “WARTHOG” Slanty

Relevant background: Warthog was wanted for armed robbery, grand larceny, attempted murder, felony assault and battery and twelve other aggravated crimes committed across New York. He wore a mask, establishing federal jurisdiction pursuant to KKK Act.
Two weeks ago, an unknown terrorist group posted a video of Warthog bound and gagged via Al Jazeera. Relation and motive were then unknown. No Warthog–jihad or Warthog–Mid East or other relevant political/religious connections were then known.

OSI analysis of video led to an investigation into the Greenwood neighborhood. Search by smell identified 1020 Ruedale Avenue as a house of interest. Captain CARNAGE, Agent BLACK, Agent ORANGE dispatched: three PM, last Monday.

ON-SCENE INVESTIGATION

CARNAGE: The front door’s been picked.

ORANGE: The door’s clean.

CARNAGE: People inside?

ORANGE: Possibly. Strong iron residues. Probably not explosives. I suspect… I suspect… never mind.

CARNAGE: Black, you aim right. I’ll take left. On three. One, two, three.

CARNAGE: Clear!

BLACK: Clear!

ORANGE: Carnage, wait. Wait. What do you make of that flag?

CARNAGE: Looks similar to Hezbollah’s with some elements of the Saudi flag. The background is green, maybe it’s an offshoot organization. Definitely the same one as in the video…

ORANGE: Black, could you come here a second? … closer.

ORANGE: (Could you distract Carnage?)

BLACK: (What?)

ORANGE: (Keep him from going downstairs. You too. I’m going down alone– I suspect the situation warrants a nonhuman).

BLACK: (Your call). Hey, Captain. What does the Arabic on the flag say?

CARNAGE: Death to the infidel pigs, soilers of the Proph…

…

ORANGE proceeds downstairs.

(Horrific stench of blood. Scent of one American human in basement–cologne, donut and coffee– and Warthog’s corpse, likely. Much blood).

ORANGE turns around corner.

ORANGE: Hands up. On your head. Now!

ORANGE: Who are you? What the hell are you doing here?

???: John Mershire. I’m with New York Crime Scene Investigations.

ORANGE: … where is your badge? No! Hands back on your head. Tell me where your badge is.

CSI: Right pocket. I can reach…

ORANGE: No. I will. (Badge number subsequently verified– Logistics). Why did you come here?

CSI: There was a sound complaint.

ORANGE: … where have the other police officers gone?

CSI: There haven’t been any other cops yet.

ORANGE: You didn’t call for backup!?

CSI: *he flashes his gun holster.* CSI isn’t helpless, you know.

ORANGE: (I believe that the assessment that he wasn’t really a CSI officer was reasonable at this point; this is too egregious a violation of what I could only imagine to be correct municipal procedure that his story seemed suspect– Orange). You saw the flag. This is obviously a terrorism investigation scene. Did you take any procedures to ensure that the scene was clear of explosives and suspects?

CSI: Relax. This seemed like a cut-and-dry suicide case… and besides, I’ve handled suspects before.

ORANGE: You’re CSI!

CSI: Damn straight.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What have you seen here?

CSI: Well, so I thought it was a suicide, right? Here, follow me.

ORANGE: I’m concerned that walking into that room would scar your mind. It smells unpleasant.

CSI: Relax.
ORANGE: (Your sanity, buddy).

CSI: So, the first thing I noticed about the scene was the body, obviously. One of the details CSI personnel are trained to look for is the position of the head relative to the body. Specifically, in this case the head appears to have been severed from the torso and stuffed with an apple on what looks to be a banquet table.

ORANGE: …

CSI: That was my first indication that it wasn’t a suicide.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Then I noticed that the wall was soaked with his blood, and blood doesn’t normally spray five to six feet from a body. The lightings kind of bad here, but Luminol showed that his blood had been used to scrawl some sort of message. That also suggested that he was killed by someone else.

ORANGE: …

CSI: I also notice that the body has been sliced open and stuffed with, uhh, maybe bread and raisins. Almonds too, I think. Which sucks. It reminds me of the Thanksgiving feast I could be having right now.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Speaking of dead pigs, we’re having a honey-roasted ham tonight. But that got me thinking: if a police officer eats ham, is that cannibalism?

ORANGE: …

CSI: See, a police officer is a “pig” and a ham is also pig.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Jacob Mallow: I’ve finally perfected the concoction. It will–

Paingod: No.

Jacob Mallow: What?

Paingod: I don’t want to know what it does, how it does it, or your vast and no doubt eminently disruptable deployment strategy. Telling me can only guarantee that your plan does not come to fruition.

Jacob: What? How would that matter?

Paingod: …

Paingod: You’re new here, aren’t you?

“Pass me down the shark repellent, Robin!”

Agent Black: The quintessential yes-or-no question of our times is not “do you want to win the war on terror?”  There are actually two: “do you feel safe in New York City?” and “Should you?”