This article was the tenth part of a series. If you’d like to read our reviews of other batches of titles, please see the list just below.

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4
• Part 5
• Part 6
• Part 7
• Part 8
• Part 9
• Part 10

Agent Black, Superhero by ~superheronation on deviantART

Agent Orange, Superhero by ~superheronation on deviantART

Dr. Mewtwo? by ~superheronation on deviantART

1. Revolvers generally can’t be silenced.
2. When an automatic is out of bullets, it will be plainly visible to the user and anyone looking closely. (The firing mechanism locks back).
3. A sniper far from his target has to adjust for gravity, wind direction and velocity, pressure, etc., rather than putting his target’s head in the scope and calling it a day. Also, head-shots at long distance are highly unreliable.
4. Don’t use the word “cordite.” It’s badly dated.
5. If characters want to go gangsta and hold their guns sideways, that’s fine but it’s not a natural posture. Your hand can adjust for vertical recoil more easily than horizontal recoil. (Also, twisting the wrist to hold the gun out sideways is not comfortable).
6. Looking at a gunshot victim, it’s difficult to determine the calibre of the bullets used to shoot him.

I’ll add a few tips for aspiring Tom Clancys.

1) Except for wild cover-fire, only amateurs try to shoot two guns at the same time. The recoil would be atrocious. This is a horrible mistake that suggests that the author’s knowledge has come from video games and Akimbo movies. Holding two pistols and exhausting one before using the other is acceptable, though.

2) Generally, authors overestimate the effectiveness of silencers. High powered rifles, particularly sniper rifles, are just too loud to silence.

3) Most guns are not limited to six bullets. Semiautomatic pistols are the most popular type of gun, and they typically hold 8-10 bullets. However, high-capacity magazines can carry up to 30.

4) Counting the enemy’s bullets is stupid. When someone is firing at you, it would be suicidal to risk your life betting on your ability to guess how large his magazine is, how many rounds it held when he started firing, how many bullets he has fired at you, whether he has a loaded sidearm, etc.

5) Full-auto is not very professional. It forces the user to reload far too quickly and is wildly inaccurate. Also, under many circumstances a wild spray of bullets could endanger bystanders and friendlies.

6) Getting shot will not move a person’s body much. It’s not realistic for gunshots to send someone sprawling backwards.  Bullets are too small to have much momentum. As a rule of thumb, the force of impact for the victim will be very similar to the recoil for the shooter.  Definitely not enough to send someone shooting through a pane of glass.

7) Guns are really expensive in most developed countries. A handgun will set you back at least several hundred dollars in the United States.

It’s hard to fire accurately when you’re moving a lot. If your character is chasing after someone, in a moving car, climbing, running, or dodging fire, etc., he is probably going to miss a lot.

Twins (and triplets and quadruplets, etc.) tend to be either indistinguishable copies or slightly modified versions of the same mold.  If they’re indistinguishable, then the second twin is heavily redundant with the first and either can be easily removed.

On the other hand, some twins have only a slight difference, usually along a single character trait.  For example, one is optimistic and the other is downcast, or quiet vs. loud/outgoing, etc.  There are a few problems with that.  First, one-dimensional differentiation is typically flimsy and shallow.  Why not just make them distinct characters?  Second, it’s generally harder for readers to keep twins apart, particularly identical ones.

Unfortunately, many manuscripts introduce the character without a goal, hoping that readers will trudge along until the character actually has something to do.  Don’t trap yourself into something like this.

CADET DAVIS:  In this first chapter, your hero doesn’t do very much except for walking across town and chatting with another character.  What’s the point?  What’s he trying to accomplish?

AUTHOR:  He’s introducing himself and the setting.

CADET DAVIS:  That’s what you’re trying to accomplish.  What’s his goal?  What’s at stake for this character?

AUTHOR:  Well, nothing, not yet anyway.  In a few chapters, he’ll find out that he has to realize his destiny by going on a quest to stop the villain.

CADET DAVIS:  If nothing’s at stake now, why will readers find this chapter interesting?

AUTHOR:  *silence*

Unfortunately, if publishers or readers find your manuscript’s first few pages boring, they will not keep reading.  From the earliest part of your story, your main character needs to have a goal.

So what do you do if your hero doesn’t know what his main goal is yet?  For example, at the start of Harry Potter, Harry doesn’t know that his primary goal is to “go to Hogwarts and thwart Voldemort.”  He doesn’t even know that he’s a wizard.  J.K. Rowling used temporary goals to tide us over.  For example, “read the letter that Uncle Vernon is trying to hide from you.”  Those goals made him interesting even though we didn’t know anything about his magical destiny.

What sort of temporary goals work? Anything that has high-stakes for the character.  It doesn’t have to be life or death, of course. (Harry Potter only needed to obtain a letter!)

What sort of temporary goals don’t work?  Joy rides.  If a character is trying something just for kicks, or to have a good time or just because he’s curious, the stakes are probably not high enough for him for us to care.  One main exception to the rule against joy rides is that sometimes, deep into a superhero story, you can briefly show the character trying out his new superpowers.  That will stall the plot, but that’s mostly OK because we need to know what the hero is capable of.  Also, by that point of the story, you better have convinced readers that you have a plot or you are screwed anyway.

• Positive advice from friends and loved ones cannot be taken seriously.
• Some reviewers will offer inane and ridiculous advice.  But if reviewers keep offering advice that sounds ridiculous, the problem may lie more with your writing than your readers.
• When are you done editing?  Use the Ten Percent Rule:  when you change less than 10% of a manuscript from one rewrite to the next, you’re probably ready to submit.

There is one main issue that I think he kind of misses, though.  He says that “the value of critique varies widely depending on whether it is given with the same goal in mind as you had in writing it.”  That measuring stick is pretty useless.  You’ll probably never know whether the reviewer’s “goal” is the same as yours.

For example, let’s say I write a story that’s a cheap knockoff of Eragon.  If my reviewer says “this needs to be totally overhauled,” is it because he hates this specific knockoff or because he finds the entire epic-fantasy genre cliched?  Unless he specifically admits to hating epic fantasy in general, there’s no way for me to know.

A more useful measuring stick in judging a review is “does this get me closer to what I want to accomplish?” It doesn’t matter at all what goals the reviewer has, but whether his advice helps you achieve yours.

Cadet Davis reviews and revises the titles of 30 manuscripts submitted to a writing workshop. This will help you evaluate and improve your titles.

Above Average

1. Terrorist Dance Party.  The word terrorist is excellent here; it’s interesting and foreshadows the story’s substance.  As for a terrorist dance party, I think that has a lot of style.  I’m intrigued.

Acceptable

1. And Other Assorted Duties as Needed.  This evokes a jobs listing in a newspaper pretty well, but it’s not specific enough.  What’s the genre here?  The ad might be hiring something mundane (like a babysitter or gofer), or it might be something more outlandish like a wizard’s assistant or a superhero’s sidekick.  This title also lacks style, another problem that could be solved with an interesting detail.  For example, “And Other Dragon-Killing Duties As Needed” (fantasy) or “And Other World-Saving Duties as Needed” (superhero).  I’d also recommend taking out the word “assorted” because it’s mostly redundant with “other.”
2. Falsely Accused.  This adequately identifies the plot, but lacks style and it’s already been used before.  I’d recommend adding a detail to distinguish this story of an innocent man on the run from similar stories.
3. Fortune’s Favor.  This is mediocre.  What’s the genre?  Who’s the beneficiary of fortune and what will he do with it?  Also, this title makes the main character seem pretty boring by emphasizing his luck.  It may help to change the word “fortune” from a noun into an adjective, which would emphasize the main character more.  For example, a superhero story might use “The Lucky Sidekick” and a fantasy might try “The Fortunate Barbarian.”   Some other interesting nouns that crossed my mind: accountant, taxman, cripple, and vagrant, as well as a few recurring genre-specific favorites like demon, ninja, dragon and knight.
4. Guardian Angel.  This is totally devoid of style, but it mostly works because I know what the story’s about and who would enjoy it.  I’d really recommend adding a detail to modify the guardian angel and differentiate this story.  For example, maybe “The Unwilling Angel.”
5. Unrequited.  Surprisingly, this one-word title is acceptable because it seems pretty clearly to be a story of tragic, unrequited love.  That’s a good start.  But I’m virtually positive that a noun would improve this title.  In fact, pretty much any noun besides something over-obvious like love or feelings would help.  For example, “Unrequited Scorn”?  I think that has more style.

1. Among the Shattered and Debris.  Yeah, this title was awful two weeks ago, too.  There’s still incongruity between shattered (a plural noun) and debris (singular).  What’s the sell here?  What’s the book about?  Why should we want to read it?  Are the main characters shattered?  If so, in what way?  This title could be workable, but it probably needs to get less artsy and more literal.
2. Triage.  The lack of a setting here is worrisome.  Is this a story about a futuristic society struggling to deal with a sci-fi plague, or a modern hospital dealing with some serious natural catastrophe, historical fiction, or something else?  I do like the word “triage,” though.  It strongly suggests the story’s subject (how do we deal with this disaster?) and its main character (a doctor or medical professional).  Adding another word would probably add style.  For example, a superhero story like X-Men might try something like “Mutant Triage.”
3. For Eve.  I have no idea who Eve is, what she receives, or why I should care about either.  This title feels like it hasn’t been written for prospective readers.  I’d recommend starting over on this one.
4. God’s porch [sic].  This title’s miscapitalization would get the manuscript instantly rejected, so it’s definitely awful.  That said, I think “God’s Porch” is an almost acceptable head-scratcher.  I think the title is trying to convey that the God of this story is a down-home ruminator.  I’d recommend adding a detail to clarify that.
5. Frankie’s Joynt.  The spelling mistake here is so flamboyant that it must be intentional, but I have no idea what it’s trying to accomplish.  This title makes my head hurt.  Next!
6. Twitch.  What’s the sell here?  Is this a character name or a reference to a twitching eye or maybe a horse-restraining device?  I have no idea what’s going on.  If this is about a character named Twitch, this title fails totally compared to something more stylish like “Barbara Bloodbath” or “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”  What kind of book is this?
7. There Are No Children On the Playground At Night.  First, this felt needlessly long.  Second, the word “night” generally ruins titles, and it’s highly ineffective here.  If this title is supposed to feel creepy, “at night” shoots this title in the foot.  Personally, I think it’s OK for a playground to be vacant at night.  That’s normal, isn’t it?  Not very scary.  If the title is supposed to make us feel that something chilling and unnatural is afoot, I’d recommend something like “The Empty Playground” or “Recess at Midnight.”
8. Six Hours.  This is way too coy.  We need more details.  What’s six hours a reference to?  How long the characters have to spend together on a plane?  How long before a bomb will go off?  How long a character has to live?  For example, “Six Hours to Live” would be OK.
9. Crazy Johansen.  I love the word crazy, and Johansen isn’t awful, but what is this story about?  Surely there’s more going on than just a crazy character.  For example, maybe the story is a comedy about whether a relatively normal character can survive his crazy uncle.  Then “Surviving Crazy Johansen” might be appropriate.
10. Here Be Dragons.  There are a lot of stories with dragons.  This story badly needs to distinguish itself from them.  It also needs more style.  For example, “Backyard Dragon” was a pretty decent name for a story about a real-world kid who finds a dragon.  “His Majesty’s Dragon” was an excellent name about a dragon fighting for the British government.  Rails Across the Dragonlands was a solid choice for a steampunk dragon story.
11. Guardian of the Core.  I’m not entirely sure why I hate this one.  The word “core” really rubs me the wrong way, I suppose.  The core of what?  What’s he guarding against?  Why should I care?
12. A Second Life Obsession.  That’s a plot element, not a story.  Where’s the drama?  For example, “Second Life Widow” is much better because it suggests some conflict between the wife that’s lost touch with her husband because of his Second Life addiction.
13. Sinew and Bone.  Are two parts of the body.  So what?  Where’s the story here?
14. The Haunting Office.  The office is haunting?  Haunting what?  I assume that the author incorrectly meant to use the word “haunted,” but currently it seems to me that the office is some sort of ghost.
15. Dead Letter Office.  I don’t know what’s going on here.
16. Escape from Farside.  Where’s Farside?  Who’s escaping?  Why should I care whether he makes it?
17. Dream Trap.  Are we talking about someone trapped in his sleep, or trapped by an aspiration like the American dream?  If it’s the first one, I’d recommend using a varation of the word “coma” for clarity.  If it’s the second, I’d recommend being more specific and smooth.  Dream Trap is very awkward.
18. Fairytale Country.  Not that I’m biased or anything, but this title isn’t as good as “Superhero Nation.”  Are we talking about a fantasy country where fairy tales happen, a realistic country that feels like a fairy tale (similar to California or Florida at their best), or something else entirely?  In Superhero Nation, I think it’s pretty clear that the nation in question is the United States: the US is the setting of most superhero stories and the country arguably acts like a superhero, with well-intentioned violence and a strong intention that those who can act are morally obliged to (compare Andrew Jackson’s “one man with courage makes a majority” to Spiderman’s “with great power comes great responsibility“).
19. Locked Room.  That’s a place, not a story.  What’s happening in the locked room?  Who’s locked away?  Why should we care?
20. Reaper Kelstarus.  I like the word reaper, but I don’t know what a reaper is here.  As far as names go, Kelstarus isn’t bad, but I don’t know who he is, either.  Next!
21. A Man and the Use of His Hands.  I have no idea what this means by “the use of his hands.”  (No, get your mind out of the gutter).  This feels far too cryptic.
22. A Phantasmagorical Prediction.  I have no idea what Phantasmagorical means.  Unfortunately, anyone that doesn’t know what it means has roughly a 0% chance of being intrigued enough to start reading.
23. Life Code from Brooklyn.  I have no idea what this means.
24. Rat of the Stone Soldiers.  What the hell?
25. 999.  This is probably the worst of the week.  What is 999 a reference to?  Where’s the story here?

This article was the ninth part of a series. If you’d like to read our reviews of other batches of titles, please see the list just below.

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4
• Part 5
• Part 6
• Part 7
• Part 8
• Part 9