Apr 14 2013

Jay’s Review Forum

Published by at 4:15 pm under Review Forums

Please see the comments below. Thanks.

17 responses so far

17 Responses to “Jay’s Review Forum”

  1. Jayon 14 May 2013 at 5:25 pm

    Alright this is comic pitch idea. It’s been inspired by most notably, Spiderman, Wonderwoman, and x-men. You could see other things in it too.

    * First I need a title, it’s hard to pick for me. You will be able to see what fits best as you look through the summary.
    *Also I need to know what name for the main character sounds better
    Pandaman or BadPanda.

    Working Title-
    Title Idea(s)

    Intro- After moving back too New York, the young and normal 14 year old Marcus Mays life is turned upside down as he is enrolled in a new school…A school for mutants that is! There he meets a girl that promises him extraordinary power beyond his wildest dreams, but it comes with a cost…

    Basic Summary- Marcus Mays moves back to New York with his family to start high school, His parents want him in a good private school, so they choose one of the newest schools in the area the Alexis Learning Academy. Accidentally enrolled in the school he realizes everyone has Mutant powers. Students notice Marcus isn’t a mutant and he is singled out. Marcus meets Arabella; the most powerful mutant on earth- the daughter of a God and a mutant. Marcus and Arabella become close friends due to their similarities: Marcus is shunned by mutant classmates in the school and Arabella is isolated from them because of her power. Marcus reveals his desire to have powers to Arabella and she gives him the ability to become one of his of his favorite game characters-Pandaman/Badpanda. However she says that in order to keep his new powers, he must remain loyal to her. Marcus, Arabella, and the school are eventually targeted by Radical mutant groups, Mutant hate groups, Bounty Hunters, Government agencies and Gods. During this process Marcus becomes a well-known superhero. Later on Arabella reveals to Marcus a prophecy about her destroying the world on her 15th birthday…

  2. Jayon 14 May 2013 at 5:34 pm

    World Building- In this world “Heroes” Have been around forever but the “modern” Superhero has been around for about a decade. Mutants have started to be “activated” by the hundreds 5 years ago. Mutants existed before then but the “infection” or Mutant gene was rare at the time. The general populace is afraid of mutants and most information about them is kept under wraps

    -S.I.G.M.A. /Sigmaforce – Special International Guarding Military Agency. U.S. Government sponsored group that responds to superhuman threats and apocalyptic events.
    They have bases all over the world in major cities and a Board of Directors that oversees events on each continent. Their ground soldiers are known as Sigmaforce.

    -Omniversals(S.I.G.M.A.)- Superhero group that protects U.S. and earth occasionally from planet destroying threats. Basically Sigma’s big guns, group of 5-7 heroes. Nexus is the Leader of this group.

    Nexus-God of the sun, Super strength.

    Gold Lion- Hand to hand combat expert and gadget/tech expert

    AmazingWoman(Stephanie Alexis )-Eye Copy, Durability

    Void- Internal Space Manipulation/Portal Creation

    BloodyRose- Expert Markswoman/Gunwoman, Ninja assassin, martial arts,
    weapons expert

    Mother Nature-Limited Weather control, Plant growth, can communicate with all
    types of life

    MetalShifter-Metal liquefaction, Shape shifting.

    -The Creators (Valterians)- They’re the “Gods” of this universe. They help lead the human race for millennia after they were created. They left the world at the start of ancient history. Mutants and those with the mutant gene are direct decedents of these beings. There’s gods of physical things, such as the sun, moon, rocks. There’s Gods of emotions and feelings like love and hate. There’s Gods of the elements like fire, water, lighting. There’s Gods of nature, animals and humans These Gods exist in many numbers but only one is currently known to be earth, the father of Arabella, Nexus. The rest of the Gods live in a heaven realm named Valteria
    -The Alliance- Created by Stephanie Alexis the Alliance is a multinational group organization that believes in peace between the human and mutant races and furthering of mutant rights and interests. The organization started in America when Alexis and a small group of mutant friends got together to discuss the growth of the mutant race and the rise of new threats. They are a talk first organization but they are not afraid to get physical to protect their interests. Edison Nathaniel Magnus, or now Professor M, an old friend of Alexis is the new leader of the Alliance. Currently he resides and teaches as Headmaster at Alexis Learning Academy. All the teachers, advisors, and counselors of AlA are with the Alliance.

    Alliance characters- These will be high ranked alliance members that either teach or reside at ALA

    *Characters yet to be decided.

    -Survivalists/New Gods – Mutant terrorist group that is against humans, seeks to remove humanity from the planet and make mutants the dominate species.

    Current Characters of interest-
    Marcus Mays (Badpanda/Pandaman)- The main character is a young 14 year old kid that is apathetic about anything except video games. He is quiet at first but breaks out of his shell as the story progresses, Bit of a smart aleck and pretty sarcastic. He has desire to be a part of something bigger than him. He wants a purpose. He wants to become a superhero, but not necessarily to help others, it’s for himself.

    Transferred from Arabella
    Note: Can only use these abilities when Arabella is conscious.
    -Super Strength (Average)
    -Wall climbing
    -“Panda Bite”- Divine energies
    -Panda Claws- Can shoot them out finger tips

    Arabella Alexis (Galaxia) – Young 14 year old omega class mutant demigod that has the power to destroy reality itself has had limits put on her power by her parents and Prof. Mangus. Everything for her changed when she discovered that she was to be the “vanguard” to humanity’s destruction. She transfers some of her powers to Marcus to allow him to become his favorite video game character Pandaman/Badpanda.

    -Matter reconstruction
    -Telekinesis (Flight)
    -reality manipulation (Limited)
    -Inmortality (unless killed)
    -Time control (Limited)
    – Super Strength
    -Super Speed
    -Divine Powers(Limited)
    – Invulnerability

    Benjamin “Ben” Lucas (Nephila)-An old friend of Marcus when he first lived in New York, He meets Marcus again at the ALA. Shortly after Marcus left NY he manifested spider powers. He has a pretty boy look, dresses feminine sometimes (he is straight), and is into creating music. Bit of a playboy.

    -Super Strength (Average)
    -Web spinning
    -Sixth sense
    -Wall climbing

    Robyn Khalil- A girl that meets Marcus at ALA, she is a sleeper, meaning she has a dormant mutant gene. She becomes Marcus’s first love interest. Bit of a tomboy, into sports. Likes working out, romance novels, playing pool.

    Nexus “John”– The Valterian God of the Sun and Strength. He is the father of Arabella and the only known creator to be on earth. Leader of the Omniversals.
    -Inmortality (unless killed)
    – Super Strength
    -Super Speed
    -Divine Powers(Limited)
    -solar energy

    Stephanie Alexis (AmazingWoman) Thought to dead by many from an event 5 years ago Stephanie has returned and now joined the Omniversals with Nexus. Mother of Arabella, creator of the Alliance and ALA.
    – Durability
    -Eye Copy (can copy another mutant ability through sight for up to 5 Minutes)

    Edison Nathaniel Magnus-(Professer M)- Headmaster of ALA, and leader of the alliance, watches over Arabella and the rest of the mutant students.

  3. Jayon 14 May 2013 at 6:47 pm

    OKAY! Now that’s out of the way lemme give a quick run through of the first issue.
    Issue one starts with our hero, attached to the ceiling in chains, in a Mutant Hunter Hideout. After he wakes up Marcus is like “How did i end up here” and we go into a flashback of him as Pandaman/Badpanda facing Vanquish:

    Vanquish- is a Creator posing as a Mutant Hunter. He desires to Find Arabella to Steal her power and stop her from become the leader of the Valterian race. He truly believes he is doing a good service for both Humanity and the Valterians. He is the first Main villain of Pandaman/Badpanda.

    Anyway Vanquish meets up with him and reminds him off the ultimatum he gave Pandaman/Badpanda earlier, Basically find the girl or else. Marcus refuses and all hell breaks loose. Marcus is defeated and brought back to the hideout. After the flashback. Vanquish enters the cell with 2 of his cronies and tells Marcus he knows his identity from searching databases. He then attaches a device to his skull to see his memories. Another flashback happens and we see how Marcus first moved back to Ny. He goes to ALA and is scared by seeing a mutant, He is asked what his powers are by students and he tells them he has none. He is picked on and sent to the prof M.’s office. There he first meets Arabella. End of first issue.

    Alright I’m done. comment away.

  4. Jayon 20 May 2013 at 12:44 pm

    No feedback? Maybe this was to lengthy?

  5. B. McKenzieon 20 May 2013 at 4:20 pm

    I’ve been sort of swamped with work this week… If I haven’t responded within a day, please remind me.

  6. B. McKenzieon 22 May 2013 at 6:03 am

    Okay, here are some thoughts that come to mind:

    –When you’re ready to submit to publishers, I’d generally recommend against listing their characters and their superpowers. Here are some ideas on how to make characters more interesting.

    –Some of the similarities to other series are probably too obvious. In particular, I think you’d get sued over “Professor M” running a mutant academy and the ersatz Spider-Man. I’d recommend checking out this article for some ideas on how to differentiate your series.

    –It sounds like most of the characters, and especially Marcus, could use more of a personality. For example, what are some decisions Marcus would make or things he would say that 95%+ of other superheroes wouldn’t? How do his unusual decisions shape the story?

    –In context, I feel like it’s an unusual decision by somebody to let Marcus into this mutant academy even though he doesn’t have superpowers. Who makes that decision and why? (Could be interesting). If I could draw on my own work for a moment, The Taxman Must Die is about an IRS accountant who gets transferred to a super-agency (like SHIELD) because a supervillain has vowed to kill him and now he’s the perfect bait.

    –This is mostly personal taste, I think, but I think [Modifier] Man names (e.g. Pandaman) are sort of dated.

  7. Jayon 22 May 2013 at 8:46 am

    -Okay, I won’t list them then. However it’s really just there for me to remember what they are for when I write. No one else has to see them.

    -I need a Prof M for my story, but I can make him a little different, by giving him a
    “hero name” instead. Also his personalty would be different from Xavier anyway.
    For Badpanda/Pandaman, I was think of removing one of his powers and replacing it with shapeshifting. (i.e. Mystique) it would make him fight totally different from Spiderman.

    As for the actually series…I’m not really sure what I can do. Marcus and Arabella share an interesting connection. Marcus has to remain telepathically connected to Arabella to use his powers and she knows his deepest secrets in fears. Not to mention he’s gonna have to fight her after a year.

    Um… I could have Marcus be come pseudo-super villain first. Basically have him doing pranks or bad things until he’s finally stopped by SIGMA or the Alliance.

    -As for personality, I haven’t gotten much into it yet. I don’t know if Peter Parker would do this, but Marcus would tend to lie, not share he feelings and push people away. In doing this he actually hurts more people then he intends to (like his lie might get a friend killed.) However Arabella can read him like an open book and he doesn’t like that. He’s more cynical then Peter, a bit of an asshole.

    -Here are a couple of ideas about getting in the Acadamy:
    He could get accepted be cause his Parent(S) were important mutants and he might be a sleeper.
    He could come into contact with a mutant like Arabella or someone else.
    His contact with Arabella or someone else makes him a target.

    Actually those seem pretty good..Which one do you think fits best?

    -As for the man names, the newest superhero I’ve seen to use it was called Mudman
    and it was published by Image, so I’m not sure it wouldn’t work. I like it better than Badpanda, But I can use Badpanda if i need to. I don’t want to name him with a color like Redpanda or something, actually I think Redpanda is used.

  8. Jayon 22 May 2013 at 3:19 pm

    It just occurred to me that you might have been talking about Nephila as the one similar to Spiderman lol. I wanted that powerset, but I dunno..He plays a different role then Peter, and is basically there to protect Marcus and show him the ropes of the school.

    For getting into the Academy, I think I want to use all 3 of those ideas I mentioned
    So may his Mom is a mutant, and was she was a hero at one point and his Dad doesn’t know. Picked on and made fun off by bullies or old schoolmates, meets Arabella out in public some how. Gets powers, becomes a supervilllan, Gets targeted by Vanquish, SIGMA, and the Alliance.

  9. B. McKenzieon 22 May 2013 at 9:41 pm

    “It just occurred to me that you might have been talking about Nephila as the one similar to Spiderman lol…” Yeah… Giving someone the ability to spin webs and a spider-sense will definitely raise red flags there. In 99% of cases, having similar superpowers to another superhero wouldn’t be a huge problem, but I think webbing is definitely an exception there (arguably the only exception) because it’s so distinctive to Spider-Man.

  10. Jayon 28 May 2013 at 11:34 am

    How about this? Remove the Spider-sense and Instead of having webbing, Nephila’s hair is made of of the same silky material spiders use. He could use his hair like Medsua.

    As for Badpanda I’ve changed my mind on the supervillan thing. I rather have him just be targeted because of his powers or because of being a prankster. I don’t want the character associated with being a criminal.

  11. Jayon 02 Jun 2013 at 12:39 pm

    Hey B,

    I was thinking about publishers and I thought this may be an issue.
    Does marvel have ownership of the term “mutant” and would that unoriginality be the cause of a rejection?

  12. B. McKenzieon 02 Jun 2013 at 8:59 pm

    “Does marvel have ownership of the term “mutant” and would that unoriginality be the cause of a rejection?”

    1) Does Marvel own the term “mutant”? I’m not a lawyer, but I highly doubt it — e.g. see Mirage Studio’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    2) Would the use of “mutant” cause a manuscript to be rejected for lack of creativity? Probably not on its own, but if the work is already uncomfortably similar to (say) X-Men, using the term “mutant” might reinforce that.

    Howver, using the term “mutant” will not necessarily raise originality concerns on its own… If I could use an example from my own work, here are 5 pages from The Taxman Must Die. This scene uses the term “mutant,” but I’m 100% sure it didn’t bring X-Men to mind and 90% sure it didn’t come across as a ripoff of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As long as the characters have substantially different personalities, voices, motivations/goals, and major decisions, it doesn’t matter if their origins are comparable.

  13. Elecon 02 Jun 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Would I be able to get a review forum like this B. Mac? I’m pretty close to finishing my first draft and I’d appreciate some feedback on my first chapter(s).

  14. B. McKenzieon 02 Jun 2013 at 10:15 pm

    I’ve set it up for you here, Elec.

  15. Elecon 02 Jun 2013 at 10:59 pm

    Thanks B. Mac, I’ve put the information on it you want to take a look.

  16. Jayon 07 Jun 2013 at 10:59 am

    I’ve change how the book starts and I made Badpanda a power absorber (through biting) and shape-shifter instead of having “divine energy”

    I have an issue with starting the book off. i don’t have the luxury with easing in to the story like a Spiderman orgin story for example, because people don’t know the hero or they’re not invested in the characters, but i don’t want to start the book with him having powers. So i’ve changed the outline to this.

    Issue #1
    -Marcus has a dream about seeing Arabella during the 5 year event
    (The event is basically Ny being destroyed, can hook the reading into the start of the book)
    -Marcus goes for a walk in the city to where the event happened (union square?)
    -Gets caught in the crossfire of mutant hunters and alliance
    -Reunites with Arabella
    -Marcus gets injured
    -She heals him
    -He wakes up in the hospital with his parents
    -She comes to him in astral form
    -She tells him about his powers and that it makes her less of a target
    -She read his mind and gives him the power to become his favorite hero
    -Marcus tests his powers.
    *Marcus receives notice of a new school*
    -Marcus heads to the school of mutants.
    End of issue.
    -Marcus has a dream about seeing Arabella during the 5 year event
    *Marcus receives notice of a New school*
    -Goes to new school
    -Reunites with Arabella
    -Arabella gives him power to become his favorite hero
    -Marcus tests his powers
    -Mutant hunters attack.

    Which do you think is better?

  17. Jayon 15 Jun 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Alright this is gonna be my last post B, so you don’t have to worry. Would you mind reading half of a 22 page script? I looked a critters, the requirements to get read seem like it would take a while.

    I would like to know if my writing feels professional and if it reads well.


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